Scared not heartless

 From HeartMend  

As You Learn about Avoidants, You Start to See:

"They need space" often means they don't know how to regulate closeness.

"They don't talk about feelings" often means they were never taught it was safe to.

"They seem detached" often means they care more than they can handle.

"They came back" often means they finally felt the loss they kept avoiding.

Avoidants aren't heartless -- they're scared. They learned somewhere along the way that love equals loss, and closeness equals danger. For them, connection brings up memories of being let down, abandoned, or misunderstood. So they build emotional distance as a form of protection. What looks like indifference is really self-preservation.

But let's be honest, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to love them. It doesn't make it any less painful when they pull away right when things start to feel safe. It doesn't make it less confusing when you're pouring out effort and getting silence in return. Because even if you understand where their behavior comes from, it still hurts to be on the receiving end of it.

You start questioning yourself. You replay conversations, wondering what you said wrong. You start adjusting, softening, explaining, waiting, hoping your patience will make them stay. But no matter how much you give, they keep pulling away, and you end up feeling unseen, unappreciated, and emotionally drained.

And the truth is, that's not because you weren't enough. It's because they aren't emotionally ready to receive the kind of love you offer. They haven't yet learned that true safety comes from allowing love in, not running from it. And no amount of your love can teach them that, that's their work to do.

So if you're exhausted, it's okay. If you're angry, that's okay too. You were loving someone through their fear while neglecting your own need for stability. You were trying to heal both of you at the same time, and that's an impossible weight to carry alone.

Healing from an avoidant relationship means forgiving yourself for thinking you could love them enough to make them feel safe. It means grieving the version of them you saw underneath the fear, while accepting that they may never become that person. It means realizing that you didn't fail them, you just outgrew their emotional limits. 

And most importantly, it means turning all the energy you used to pour into fixing them back into yourself. Rebuilding your self-trust. Reconnecting to your calm. Learning that love isn't meant to feel like guessing games or emotional distance, it's meant to feel like consistency, care, and peace.

Understanding the avoidant helps you make sense of what happened, but healing helps you make peace with it. You stop trying to be their safe place and start becoming your own. Because real love doesn't hide behind fear, it shows up, it communicates, and it stays.