These are my notes from the sermon from the remembrance service for you on August 21, 2016. There weren't any sermon notes in the bulletin, but there was an outline he included on the back of bulletin. I tried to follow the outline in my notes.
God is Good
I. God is Good Toward Hayden
not in grave
Hayden's spirit has been living in heaven for past year
Hayden trusted in God
some existence they enjoy in heaven
supernatural
bodily resurrection
once to die, than judgment
no fear for Christian
will come back to this earth with the Lord
enjoy life on this earth for 1000 years, then heaven
(Disclaimer: once this post is "published" all the spacing will probably be off)
II. God is Good Toward Bill and Andi and Their Family
are believers
gift of salvation
extra good-brought him there early
did avoid sin, pain in future
Hayden experiencing goodness now
passed through deep waters
way of escape
God used this to stretch our faith
God disciplining, chastening
assurance of God's presence
with us through all of life's trials
III. God is Good Despite Suffering and Loss
lovingly permitted accident and grief
do not know enough to separate God's love from God's power
don't have enough information to make decision
example: computer math vs. regular math
God is good
fuller perspective after time is past
God permitted what occurred
accident, grief
Jesus died on cross with mother at base of cross
sword pierced her soul too
bringing a much wider group into salvation
lovingly permitted
because He loves us
IV. God is Good Toward the Church
V. God Also Good Toward the World and the Non-Christian
VI. God is Good in Giving Comfort to the Hurting (Isaiah 61:1-5)
Psalm 34:18
comfort all who mourn
give them beauty for ashes
deep grief
turn ashes into a crown of beauty/glory
oil of joy for mourning
called trees of righteousness
growing into a redwood or sequoia
God expects us to not understand
trust Him explicitly
This was a beautiful message and the best part about it was how many people in our (and your) circle of friends and family heard it. Love you so much!
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Interesting concept
That is kind of a generic title which could mean anything, but it's the best I could come up with right now.
Memories have been popping up on my Facebook from last year at this time, like yesterday the video of the Collage Concert popped up that I shared last year along with the story of how it was your idea for the band to play "Star Wars."
Today what popped up was a story I shared of how I took Carter school shopping and saw a mom and her teenage son having an argument. It made me upset because I realized that we never fought like that. Somebody commented on my sharing of that memory that maybe God gave us a good relationship because of the short amount of time we had together. She gave an example of how when her parents divorced she lived with her dad which was rare at that time, but it gave them more time together before he died a few years later.
I know our relationship was unusual, unique and special. I would like to think that it would have been like that either way no matter how long you had on this earth. I don't know. I know it was a gift from God. You were so easy going. It shouldn't matter the reason I guess. I am thankful for it either way. Love you so much boy!
Memories have been popping up on my Facebook from last year at this time, like yesterday the video of the Collage Concert popped up that I shared last year along with the story of how it was your idea for the band to play "Star Wars."
Today what popped up was a story I shared of how I took Carter school shopping and saw a mom and her teenage son having an argument. It made me upset because I realized that we never fought like that. Somebody commented on my sharing of that memory that maybe God gave us a good relationship because of the short amount of time we had together. She gave an example of how when her parents divorced she lived with her dad which was rare at that time, but it gave them more time together before he died a few years later.
I know our relationship was unusual, unique and special. I would like to think that it would have been like that either way no matter how long you had on this earth. I don't know. I know it was a gift from God. You were so easy going. It shouldn't matter the reason I guess. I am thankful for it either way. Love you so much boy!
Tan suit?
Whenever I think of you in your casket (which I try not to), I realized recently that I always imagine you being in a tan suit. You had your black suit on so I don't know why I always imagine you with a tan one on. You never even had a tan suit. I actually have to force myself to think of you in the black one and even when I do, it's extremely difficult.
Even when I try to do it now, it's almost impossible. I imagine you in it when we first saw you at the funeral home and at the church. Maybe it's too weird to link that suit to you there because it was the suit you wore for band (I remember how hard I tried to keep track of your bow tie and then we lost it for the last concert), that was the suit you wore in your senior pictures, for senior night at water polo (even though you wore your swimsuit for the actual program), and for the water polo banquet. Maybe that's why I have a hard time linking that to your death-because it was so much a part of your life. I don't know-it's really weird. One of the weirdest parts is that I just realized it recently. Love you boy!
Even when I try to do it now, it's almost impossible. I imagine you in it when we first saw you at the funeral home and at the church. Maybe it's too weird to link that suit to you there because it was the suit you wore for band (I remember how hard I tried to keep track of your bow tie and then we lost it for the last concert), that was the suit you wore in your senior pictures, for senior night at water polo (even though you wore your swimsuit for the actual program), and for the water polo banquet. Maybe that's why I have a hard time linking that to your death-because it was so much a part of your life. I don't know-it's really weird. One of the weirdest parts is that I just realized it recently. Love you boy!
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
The Land of the Living
I haven't come across one of these stories from #OCA for a while. This one is really good. It's by Andrea Fifield.
"There is a land of the living and the land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning." -Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey
"For you have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living." -Psalm 116:9
Sometimes it's difficult to see the beauty in being broken.
It's especially hard when the rest of the world moves on while you are left straggling behind, haphazardly picking up fragments of yourself and sloppily piecing them back together. You become acutely aware that, at any given moment, you might very well just fall apart. People keep their distance for fear of getting pierced by the slivers and shards of your splintered heart. But it's in that moment, in that state-when we are at our weakest and most vulnerable-shattered almost beyond repair and beyond recognition, that we are the most usable vessels. Authenticity begins to seep through the cracks when hope holds us together like glue.
It was (August) when I was slowly and quietly disappearing into a downward spiral.
Like the tiny whirlpool at the bottom of the bathtub before the water falls down the drain, I put on a black hand-me-down dress that I found in my closet and stared vacantly as a stranger lowered my dead baby down into the ground. The parade of solemn faces at the funeral became a confusing blur and the sound of hushed condolences a muffled drone. I came home to bouquets of limp flowers hanging on for dear life. Although sent with good intentions, they all eventually hung their heads and surrendered their last breaths. I was surrounded by death.
It was everywhere. I could breathe it in. It was the land of the living dead.
But my (teenage) son wasn't the only one buried that day. The me that I used to know, along with all of my great expectations for the man he would become, how my life would look with him in it, and the way our lives would intersect and intertwine and wind increasingly together like vines, were also shoveled down into the dirt. I died, too, that day. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
We were both planted together deep into the damp coolness of the earth.
Like seeds. Seeds watered with the tears of all those who loved us. Seeds lying dormant for a time, yet still so full of hope and promise. And in that moment, hidden away there in the darkness, "I might have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13). And so it was, with a seed of faith and an inkling of hope in things yet unseen, that I waited.
In the depths of despair, I waited on the Lord.
Then, at just that precise moment-right when I had begun to think He had abandoned me-He made good on His promise. Slowly, I started to rise. The soil above my head began to give way. I strained my unaccustomed eyes toward the light and felt the sun's warm rays greet the paleness of my face. The gentle wind blew wisps of hair in my face and seemed to whisper softly in my ears:
Come back. Come back to the land of the living. We have all been waiting for you
here. You will learn to smile again. You will learn to laugh again. Give yourself
permission to be happy. All that pain was not for nothing. It had meaning and it
had purpose. It was for this moment. Right here. Right now. Those were just the
birth pangs, and this-this is the moment you are coming alive.
It was in this moment I realized that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a seed; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." It was in this moment I realized that the end is really just the beginning. The beginning of finding beauty in being broken. The beginning of bearing much fruit. The beginning of smiling and laughing and happiness-not despite the hole he left in my heart, but because of it. Because I was born to be free. He was born to free me.
This is the moment I am coming alive.
"There is a land of the living and the land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning." -Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey
"For you have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living." -Psalm 116:9
Sometimes it's difficult to see the beauty in being broken.
It's especially hard when the rest of the world moves on while you are left straggling behind, haphazardly picking up fragments of yourself and sloppily piecing them back together. You become acutely aware that, at any given moment, you might very well just fall apart. People keep their distance for fear of getting pierced by the slivers and shards of your splintered heart. But it's in that moment, in that state-when we are at our weakest and most vulnerable-shattered almost beyond repair and beyond recognition, that we are the most usable vessels. Authenticity begins to seep through the cracks when hope holds us together like glue.
It was (August) when I was slowly and quietly disappearing into a downward spiral.
Like the tiny whirlpool at the bottom of the bathtub before the water falls down the drain, I put on a black hand-me-down dress that I found in my closet and stared vacantly as a stranger lowered my dead baby down into the ground. The parade of solemn faces at the funeral became a confusing blur and the sound of hushed condolences a muffled drone. I came home to bouquets of limp flowers hanging on for dear life. Although sent with good intentions, they all eventually hung their heads and surrendered their last breaths. I was surrounded by death.
It was everywhere. I could breathe it in. It was the land of the living dead.
But my (teenage) son wasn't the only one buried that day. The me that I used to know, along with all of my great expectations for the man he would become, how my life would look with him in it, and the way our lives would intersect and intertwine and wind increasingly together like vines, were also shoveled down into the dirt. I died, too, that day. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
We were both planted together deep into the damp coolness of the earth.
Like seeds. Seeds watered with the tears of all those who loved us. Seeds lying dormant for a time, yet still so full of hope and promise. And in that moment, hidden away there in the darkness, "I might have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13). And so it was, with a seed of faith and an inkling of hope in things yet unseen, that I waited.
In the depths of despair, I waited on the Lord.
Then, at just that precise moment-right when I had begun to think He had abandoned me-He made good on His promise. Slowly, I started to rise. The soil above my head began to give way. I strained my unaccustomed eyes toward the light and felt the sun's warm rays greet the paleness of my face. The gentle wind blew wisps of hair in my face and seemed to whisper softly in my ears:
Come back. Come back to the land of the living. We have all been waiting for you
here. You will learn to smile again. You will learn to laugh again. Give yourself
permission to be happy. All that pain was not for nothing. It had meaning and it
had purpose. It was for this moment. Right here. Right now. Those were just the
birth pangs, and this-this is the moment you are coming alive.
It was in this moment I realized that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a seed; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." It was in this moment I realized that the end is really just the beginning. The beginning of finding beauty in being broken. The beginning of bearing much fruit. The beginning of smiling and laughing and happiness-not despite the hole he left in my heart, but because of it. Because I was born to be free. He was born to free me.
This is the moment I am coming alive.
Experience
This was a quote from C.S. Lewis on #OCA Facebook page:
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
(This came across to me as a very powerful statement).
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
(This came across to me as a very powerful statement).
Deliberate confidence
This was on #OCA Facebook page but is a quote by Oswald Chambers:
Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time. -Oswald Chambers
Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time. -Oswald Chambers
Keep breathing
Looked up some more stuff today on #OCA Facebook page.
Surviving trauma is a harrowing process but a relatively simple one: you just have to keep breathing.
-Christine Suhan
Surviving trauma is a harrowing process but a relatively simple one: you just have to keep breathing.
-Christine Suhan
Why I shared the story
On the anniversary of the accident, I felt the need to share the story of what happened that day. I posted my story on Facebook which I was nervous about because I wasn't interested in how many likes or comments I got. There were just some people who didn't know the whole story like people at Target for example. I'm sure a lot of people didn't know the whole story anyway, they just had heard bits and pieces.
It was healing to me for some reason to share the story because it really happened. It wasn't just a nightmare that no one can even imagine happening to them. There were real things that happened, there was even a little bit of hope that you might have made it through the accident, (I'm trying to finish the thought so I don't have to add "etc.") and this could have happened to anyone.
Telling my story validated what happened. It made it real. It was a horrible event with a horrible ending which I have reason to feel horrible about. It was scary, it was confusing, it was surreal. But it was part of my life. It was a part of the story that wasn't in the newspaper articles. It was the story that no one knew. I was there from the beginning of that day to the end of it. And I had a story to tell. Love you boy!
It was healing to me for some reason to share the story because it really happened. It wasn't just a nightmare that no one can even imagine happening to them. There were real things that happened, there was even a little bit of hope that you might have made it through the accident, (I'm trying to finish the thought so I don't have to add "etc.") and this could have happened to anyone.
Telling my story validated what happened. It made it real. It was a horrible event with a horrible ending which I have reason to feel horrible about. It was scary, it was confusing, it was surreal. But it was part of my life. It was a part of the story that wasn't in the newspaper articles. It was the story that no one knew. I was there from the beginning of that day to the end of it. And I had a story to tell. Love you boy!
Monday, August 29, 2016
Inches and Seconds
Whenever I am on a two-lane road, I think of your accident. This weekend I was on Austin Rd. to take Carter to the Petrocks' and on the way home I was noticing how just inches in some cases separate the two cars going in opposite directions on a two-lane road. These two cars are basically coming at each other, and I realized how easy it is for one or both of the vehicles to come too close to the center and collide.
That is especially understandable in the case of your accident. I still think something was wrong with you since you started drifting over before the truck got involved, according to the Tippins' guy, but with the way the road changes on the truck's side, with you coming over the line and him being close to the center too and not seeing you, it's understandable how the collision occurred.
I wanted to record this observation because I have been racking my brain over the past year trying to figure out how or why you crossed the center line. This conclusion made me realize that it's not like you crossed over multiple lanes of traffic-you were just a little too close or over the center line which isn't too far from where you were supposed to be to be safe.
I have also been jiggy about how Dad and Hope think you were messing with your phone when this happened, like changing a song or something on Spotify which wouldn't show up on the phone activity. This is just like drivers who take their eyes off the road to mess with the regular radio though-it's not an issue exclusive to the cell phone age, it's taking your eyes off of the road for any reason. You weren't texting, talking to anyone or on the internet so that is important to me for some reason. That matters.
(I added "seconds" to the title because such a thing obviously happened in a matter of a few seconds. Inches and seconds. Minute measurements but disastrous results.)
Love you boy!
That is especially understandable in the case of your accident. I still think something was wrong with you since you started drifting over before the truck got involved, according to the Tippins' guy, but with the way the road changes on the truck's side, with you coming over the line and him being close to the center too and not seeing you, it's understandable how the collision occurred.
I wanted to record this observation because I have been racking my brain over the past year trying to figure out how or why you crossed the center line. This conclusion made me realize that it's not like you crossed over multiple lanes of traffic-you were just a little too close or over the center line which isn't too far from where you were supposed to be to be safe.
I have also been jiggy about how Dad and Hope think you were messing with your phone when this happened, like changing a song or something on Spotify which wouldn't show up on the phone activity. This is just like drivers who take their eyes off the road to mess with the regular radio though-it's not an issue exclusive to the cell phone age, it's taking your eyes off of the road for any reason. You weren't texting, talking to anyone or on the internet so that is important to me for some reason. That matters.
(I added "seconds" to the title because such a thing obviously happened in a matter of a few seconds. Inches and seconds. Minute measurements but disastrous results.)
Love you boy!
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Shines More Brightly
From #OCA today:
(His) light and love shines far more brightly than the darkness of (his) death. -Sherri Melynchuk
(His) light and love shines far more brightly than the darkness of (his) death. -Sherri Melynchuk
Living Proof
From #OCA today:
I am living proof that a shattered heart can still beat. -Maryellen Dennis
I am living proof that a shattered heart can still beat. -Maryellen Dennis
Forever Faithful
From #OCA today:
She holds onto hope, for He is forever faithful. -1 Corinthians 1:9
She holds onto hope, for He is forever faithful. -1 Corinthians 1:9
Most Beauty
From #OCA today:
The soul that has experienced heartbreak has the most beauty shining through its cracks.
-Lindsey Henke
The soul that has experienced heartbreak has the most beauty shining through its cracks.
-Lindsey Henke
A Part of Us
From #OCA:
What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,
For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. -Helen Keller
What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,
For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. -Helen Keller
Soul Set In Darkness
Quote from #OCA:
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
-Sarah Williams
Helping Others
There were a lot of good quotes on #OCA today. I decided to post them separately so I can find them later.
Helping others gave me a purpose and turned my grief-stricken thoughts toward something other than my heart-wrenching life.
-Ashley Sullenger
Ships
This quote was on the #OCA Facebook page today. It will be going on the porch chalkboard soon:
A ship in a port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
-William G.T. Shedd
Elsewhere for Eternity
This was from the Facebook page for I Am A Mother To An Angel. It accompanied a drawing I have seen before somewhere of a mother holding a dead child with her head tilted back in obvious agony (that's cheery, isn't it?)
Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity. -Author Unknown
Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity. -Author Unknown
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Safer car
I was on the phone with somebody at work today whose daughter was in a car accident. No one was injured--she rear-ended one vehicle which in turn rear-ended several others. No one was hurt and the client was telling me he got her a heavy truck for safety and only had liability on it because it didn't matter if it got damaged, that the main purpose for her to have that heavy vehicle was for safety.
The thought crossed my mind as it has before of what if we had given you a different car than the Sable, if things would be different now. If it was higher, sturdier, etc. Then I remembered, I was adamant about you having that car. Dad wanted to sell it a few different times when we needed the money but I wouldn't let him once it was paid off. He wanted to sell it to his mom, pretty much anyone he could think of. I kept wanting to hang onto it because it takes forever to pay a car off and I wanted you to for sure have your own car when you were able to drive. I stuck to my guns and you got that car. I am not saying it is my fault, but I am just remembering how set I was on you having that car. I just wanted to make sure you had one because I know how our financial situation fluctuates. My point is that no one could have talked me out of you having that car. I know you loved that car too. Love you boy!
The thought crossed my mind as it has before of what if we had given you a different car than the Sable, if things would be different now. If it was higher, sturdier, etc. Then I remembered, I was adamant about you having that car. Dad wanted to sell it a few different times when we needed the money but I wouldn't let him once it was paid off. He wanted to sell it to his mom, pretty much anyone he could think of. I kept wanting to hang onto it because it takes forever to pay a car off and I wanted you to for sure have your own car when you were able to drive. I stuck to my guns and you got that car. I am not saying it is my fault, but I am just remembering how set I was on you having that car. I just wanted to make sure you had one because I know how our financial situation fluctuates. My point is that no one could have talked me out of you having that car. I know you loved that car too. Love you boy!
Remembrance service
The day started with us having to be at church early so Hope could practice the song with the group. We picked up Katie Wagner since she wanted to come to the service and Carter came along with us too. I checked in with Pastor when I got there and asked if he wanted to introduce Ruby or what. We agreed that we would ask her when she got there. He said something about it always being a good idea to ask permission first. I took that as an acknowledgement of our concerns about the whole day's activities. I also checked to see if somebody was taking care of Mrs. Banks' class and there had been arrangements made, so that was one less thing to worry about. I brought a flower arrangement from home to set on the altar that the Laws sent up from Florida. Pastor mentioned something about it at the beginning of Sunday School, so that was nice. (Side note: Katie really enjoyed the new little class Pastor has for Jr. high and Sr. high, so maybe she can start coming to that-yay!)
Sunday School went fine-we had an older gentleman who has been attending our church recently who taught since James was out of town. His name was Mal (short for Malcomb) Borden I think. He talked about enjoying the ride of life which meant something to me since sometimes I feel like I just want to skip everything down here and go to heaven to be with you and the Lord.
At about 10:20, it was cute because the Judges came in with Beck and Ellery during Sunday School. They seemed a little confused and I hoped that they didn't think they were late for the service. Soon after that, Ruby appeared at the end of our row with JR, her daughter Angel and granddaughter Cheyenne. I told them when they squeezed by us that it was Sunday School and not church yet.
At the end of the Sunday School service, that's when people started pouring in. E, Grammy, Grandma Joonie and E's friend Cindy Czubko came and sat in the row behind us. I took Ruby to meet Pastor and she said it was fine for him to introduce them, so I wrote their names on a piece of paper for him. People who I remember seeing come in: Nance and Rache (John too!), Enrico and his parents, the Calders, the Browns (Matt, Andrew and their mom), Scott Thomas and his dad, our neighbors Rick and Kris, the Johnsons, and Mike and Sydney Pope (even though they are members of our church, they don't come very much because they work a lot). It was truly overwhelming. I'm so glad I knew about it first. My face was burning up and I kept asking Carter to get me drinks of water because my mouth was so dry. Johnny and Gretchen came along with the girls, Mike and Becky, there were so many! Hope sat in the front with the kids-oh, yeah, Rob was there too, Luke and Emily, Justin and Jake Diuble too. A lot of the boys wore their striped yellow and blue ties from your funeral too which was really special. So many people love you!
(Side note: A lot of people told me in person how much the story I wrote about the day of your accident meant to them and how beautiful it was. That made me feel even better about sharing it on Facebook). Jake also made it and stayed for the whole service which made me happy to hear.
An extra special surprise was the Kimballs made it down. I didn't know for sure that they were coming, so it was great to see them. They had a two-hour drive but they wanted to be there to support us. I felt very strong as I often do on such days because I think people pray extra for us then.
Pastor opened the service and acknowledged the one-year anniversary and mentioned that Ruby and her family were with us. (I started crying then). I don't remember if that was before or after the first two hymns. Jael played a beautiful rendition of "Amazing Grace" on her penny whistle. Soon after, the ensemble that Hope was in sang the song from your funeral, "God Reigns in the Storm." Mrs. Widgeon, Alexis and Jon Snoeberger sang it with her since Anna and Steve weren't able to. Ashley was supposed to sing too but said she was "sick." I thought I would be able to make it through the whole song without crying, but I was wrong.
I will probably share the notes I took from the sermon, but it was all about you (!) and us and about how God is good even in the midst of tragedy. Pastor explained how many people will take the equation of God's love and God's power/sovereignty and incorrectly conclude that they both can't be true simultaneously in such a situation. Pastor explained that we are using the wrong "math" and compared it to computer language where 1 + 1= 10 and not 2 as in traditional math. We aren't able to comprehend the system God uses now, but we will understand someday.
I remember him also saying something about how sad their family gets when they think about us, but to multiply that by 1000 to understand the pain that we have gone through. He even broke down a few times up there which shows how much he cares for you. He also went on to explain what you are doing now and used you as an example of what all believers will experience after death and when the Lord returns. It was so encouraging. He basically said that God permitted this tragedy for whatever reason, which I know is something that we weren't ready to hear last year at this time. Even though that thought can be disturbing, how much more disturbing would it be if this had been out of God's hands. It reminds me of an article I read and recorded about a couple who lost their newborn child and a quote from someone old and important about our trials being measured out by God's own hand. (now I have to look that up).
Pastor had me and Dad by the back of the sanctuary to greet people as they left, so we got and gave lots of hugs. Aunt Becky asked if I was still mad at her and I told her "no" and added "not anymore". She promised no more surprises so it sounded like she and Pastor understood our position from earlier about all of this.
Anyway, the service ended well and Dad announced that we would be going to the Panera by Briarwood for anyone who wanted to join us. (I was surprised when I got to the van with Carter to leave for the restaurant to see Grandma Elsie sitting by herself in his car waiting for him. Why wouldn't she stay and talk inside when so many of her family members were in there? Dad didn't know either). There were fewer people there than I thought there would be, but there was at tableful of kids, and then us with the Kimballs and the Watts and some other family and friends. The only people who came from church were the Brattins. I made sure we sat with the Watts and the Kimballs since they didn't know anyone else. We had a good conversation with them and it was good for the Kimballs to talk with the Watts since they know so much about Gift of Life.
After lunch, we offered to take them to the cemetery. Dad asked Grandma Elsie to go with us, but she said no and he kept bugging her to go. I told him to leave her alone if she wasn't interested in going. We had to find a ride for her though, so it worked out that she got a ride with Grandma Joonie who was also driving Aunt Becky home since Mike couldn't come to lunch. We also asked if Katie Wagner could get a ride home with them too since the kids went with Jake, Rache and Rob to paint the rock right after. It all worked out well. It was a special time at the cemetery with them and it was a beautiful day. Love you so much!
Sunday School went fine-we had an older gentleman who has been attending our church recently who taught since James was out of town. His name was Mal (short for Malcomb) Borden I think. He talked about enjoying the ride of life which meant something to me since sometimes I feel like I just want to skip everything down here and go to heaven to be with you and the Lord.
At about 10:20, it was cute because the Judges came in with Beck and Ellery during Sunday School. They seemed a little confused and I hoped that they didn't think they were late for the service. Soon after that, Ruby appeared at the end of our row with JR, her daughter Angel and granddaughter Cheyenne. I told them when they squeezed by us that it was Sunday School and not church yet.
At the end of the Sunday School service, that's when people started pouring in. E, Grammy, Grandma Joonie and E's friend Cindy Czubko came and sat in the row behind us. I took Ruby to meet Pastor and she said it was fine for him to introduce them, so I wrote their names on a piece of paper for him. People who I remember seeing come in: Nance and Rache (John too!), Enrico and his parents, the Calders, the Browns (Matt, Andrew and their mom), Scott Thomas and his dad, our neighbors Rick and Kris, the Johnsons, and Mike and Sydney Pope (even though they are members of our church, they don't come very much because they work a lot). It was truly overwhelming. I'm so glad I knew about it first. My face was burning up and I kept asking Carter to get me drinks of water because my mouth was so dry. Johnny and Gretchen came along with the girls, Mike and Becky, there were so many! Hope sat in the front with the kids-oh, yeah, Rob was there too, Luke and Emily, Justin and Jake Diuble too. A lot of the boys wore their striped yellow and blue ties from your funeral too which was really special. So many people love you!
(Side note: A lot of people told me in person how much the story I wrote about the day of your accident meant to them and how beautiful it was. That made me feel even better about sharing it on Facebook). Jake also made it and stayed for the whole service which made me happy to hear.
An extra special surprise was the Kimballs made it down. I didn't know for sure that they were coming, so it was great to see them. They had a two-hour drive but they wanted to be there to support us. I felt very strong as I often do on such days because I think people pray extra for us then.
Pastor opened the service and acknowledged the one-year anniversary and mentioned that Ruby and her family were with us. (I started crying then). I don't remember if that was before or after the first two hymns. Jael played a beautiful rendition of "Amazing Grace" on her penny whistle. Soon after, the ensemble that Hope was in sang the song from your funeral, "God Reigns in the Storm." Mrs. Widgeon, Alexis and Jon Snoeberger sang it with her since Anna and Steve weren't able to. Ashley was supposed to sing too but said she was "sick." I thought I would be able to make it through the whole song without crying, but I was wrong.
I will probably share the notes I took from the sermon, but it was all about you (!) and us and about how God is good even in the midst of tragedy. Pastor explained how many people will take the equation of God's love and God's power/sovereignty and incorrectly conclude that they both can't be true simultaneously in such a situation. Pastor explained that we are using the wrong "math" and compared it to computer language where 1 + 1= 10 and not 2 as in traditional math. We aren't able to comprehend the system God uses now, but we will understand someday.
I remember him also saying something about how sad their family gets when they think about us, but to multiply that by 1000 to understand the pain that we have gone through. He even broke down a few times up there which shows how much he cares for you. He also went on to explain what you are doing now and used you as an example of what all believers will experience after death and when the Lord returns. It was so encouraging. He basically said that God permitted this tragedy for whatever reason, which I know is something that we weren't ready to hear last year at this time. Even though that thought can be disturbing, how much more disturbing would it be if this had been out of God's hands. It reminds me of an article I read and recorded about a couple who lost their newborn child and a quote from someone old and important about our trials being measured out by God's own hand. (now I have to look that up).
Pastor had me and Dad by the back of the sanctuary to greet people as they left, so we got and gave lots of hugs. Aunt Becky asked if I was still mad at her and I told her "no" and added "not anymore". She promised no more surprises so it sounded like she and Pastor understood our position from earlier about all of this.
Anyway, the service ended well and Dad announced that we would be going to the Panera by Briarwood for anyone who wanted to join us. (I was surprised when I got to the van with Carter to leave for the restaurant to see Grandma Elsie sitting by herself in his car waiting for him. Why wouldn't she stay and talk inside when so many of her family members were in there? Dad didn't know either). There were fewer people there than I thought there would be, but there was at tableful of kids, and then us with the Kimballs and the Watts and some other family and friends. The only people who came from church were the Brattins. I made sure we sat with the Watts and the Kimballs since they didn't know anyone else. We had a good conversation with them and it was good for the Kimballs to talk with the Watts since they know so much about Gift of Life.
After lunch, we offered to take them to the cemetery. Dad asked Grandma Elsie to go with us, but she said no and he kept bugging her to go. I told him to leave her alone if she wasn't interested in going. We had to find a ride for her though, so it worked out that she got a ride with Grandma Joonie who was also driving Aunt Becky home since Mike couldn't come to lunch. We also asked if Katie Wagner could get a ride home with them too since the kids went with Jake, Rache and Rob to paint the rock right after. It all worked out well. It was a special time at the cemetery with them and it was a beautiful day. Love you so much!
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
One-year anniversary since the accident
On Friday at work I posted that picture of you and me on the roller slide at Kids' Kingdom. Here is what I said:
As the one-year anniversary of your accident/date of death approaches this weekend, I have the following to say: Thank you, Lord, for the 17 years, 10 months and 3 days you gave me with this amazing boy and for the eternal future that awaits us in heaven! Love and miss you every day Hayden Smith!
I was also debating about sharing the story of your accident from my blog for this weekend too. I decided I wanted to, so I actually posted it late Friday night since I had some time to do so. It really touched a lot of people and many people even told me so in person at your remembrance service at church. I felt I really needed to tell that part of the story-that there was more to it than "you were in a car accident and died." I hardly cared (or told myself I didn't) what people's responses were so I decided not to check my notifications until like noon on Saturday, but I checked when I got up on Saturday morning and cried about every comment.
(Side note: Friday night was a Metzger's dinner with me, Margi, our step-moms, and a few other friends. It was fun like last time, but I was exhausted by the end of the evening since we stayed for three hours like last time).
Saturday morning I made it to the 7 am Rydeon class because my friend Tracey was in town and we had plans to meet for breakfast in Milan at 9:30. Margi lives there and Tracey was meeting her sister for lunch in Milan since Tracey's sister lives there too, so it seemed like a good place to meet. I brought all my "gear" to clean up your headstone for all of the visits you were going to get over the weekend (the gear includes wet and dry cleaning cloths to wipe stuff off your headstone and plastic grocery bags for old flowers, trash, etc. I need to add small scissors to that list for trimming off flowers).
After a lovely time with them, I stopped at Kroger to get some flowers (I chose white daisy-looking ones although they could have been mums). Something different I did this time at your grave was have my phone playing my Pandora station. That was nice and I was able to sing some songs to you.
I stayed there for a little while as I always so and cleaned up stuff, rearranged, etc.
When I got home, I was waiting for something-oh yeah, for Hope to get home from her vacation with the Wagners. She was getting home earlier than I thought and I had to get her room cleaned up since Carter and his friends used it for their sleepover. After all of the kids were set, I did some cleaning, grocery shopped and cooked. That worked out well because Pastor Worrell and his wife asked to come over and pray with us, so I was glad I had already cleaned up. I was super tired since I had gotten up so early but we had a nice visit with him and it was good to see him again. Love you boy!
As the one-year anniversary of your accident/date of death approaches this weekend, I have the following to say: Thank you, Lord, for the 17 years, 10 months and 3 days you gave me with this amazing boy and for the eternal future that awaits us in heaven! Love and miss you every day Hayden Smith!
I was also debating about sharing the story of your accident from my blog for this weekend too. I decided I wanted to, so I actually posted it late Friday night since I had some time to do so. It really touched a lot of people and many people even told me so in person at your remembrance service at church. I felt I really needed to tell that part of the story-that there was more to it than "you were in a car accident and died." I hardly cared (or told myself I didn't) what people's responses were so I decided not to check my notifications until like noon on Saturday, but I checked when I got up on Saturday morning and cried about every comment.
(Side note: Friday night was a Metzger's dinner with me, Margi, our step-moms, and a few other friends. It was fun like last time, but I was exhausted by the end of the evening since we stayed for three hours like last time).
Saturday morning I made it to the 7 am Rydeon class because my friend Tracey was in town and we had plans to meet for breakfast in Milan at 9:30. Margi lives there and Tracey was meeting her sister for lunch in Milan since Tracey's sister lives there too, so it seemed like a good place to meet. I brought all my "gear" to clean up your headstone for all of the visits you were going to get over the weekend (the gear includes wet and dry cleaning cloths to wipe stuff off your headstone and plastic grocery bags for old flowers, trash, etc. I need to add small scissors to that list for trimming off flowers).
After a lovely time with them, I stopped at Kroger to get some flowers (I chose white daisy-looking ones although they could have been mums). Something different I did this time at your grave was have my phone playing my Pandora station. That was nice and I was able to sing some songs to you.
I stayed there for a little while as I always so and cleaned up stuff, rearranged, etc.
When I got home, I was waiting for something-oh yeah, for Hope to get home from her vacation with the Wagners. She was getting home earlier than I thought and I had to get her room cleaned up since Carter and his friends used it for their sleepover. After all of the kids were set, I did some cleaning, grocery shopped and cooked. That worked out well because Pastor Worrell and his wife asked to come over and pray with us, so I was glad I had already cleaned up. I was super tired since I had gotten up so early but we had a nice visit with him and it was good to see him again. Love you boy!
Ruby's doctor appointment on 8/20/2015
Ruby and her family came to the special service for you on Sunday (I will write about that later). Afterwards we went to Panera, along with several other people from the service.
She was kind of quieter than I remember her to be as she was sitting across from me. She was sitting apart a little from JR, Angel and Cheyenne, so maybe that's why. (The Kimballs were sitting across from each other/in between them). Dad was sitting next to me and suddenly she turned to Dad and said she remembered she had a doctor's appointment at Cleveland Clinic the day of your accident and they told her that they might have a liver for her soon. She didn't think much of that because they probably always tell her that, but she got the call about your liver the next day.
That was very interesting to me-information must go out that fast after an accident with blood type information, etc. I am so glad we met her, not only for details like that, but also in general. Love you boy!
She was kind of quieter than I remember her to be as she was sitting across from me. She was sitting apart a little from JR, Angel and Cheyenne, so maybe that's why. (The Kimballs were sitting across from each other/in between them). Dad was sitting next to me and suddenly she turned to Dad and said she remembered she had a doctor's appointment at Cleveland Clinic the day of your accident and they told her that they might have a liver for her soon. She didn't think much of that because they probably always tell her that, but she got the call about your liver the next day.
That was very interesting to me-information must go out that fast after an accident with blood type information, etc. I am so glad we met her, not only for details like that, but also in general. Love you boy!
Mrs. Ledford's butterfly
Mrs. Ledford texted me and Dad a picture of a black butterfly and told us the following story this weekend which was the one-week anniversary of your accident/death:
I held this picture back for a year. I was sitting in my backyard praying for your family after I heard the news of Hayden. As I was sobbing that another family may feel the horrible pain of losing a child, a butterfly began circling my head and body. It landed on my foot and stayed there for a really long time; for my entire prayer time.
After investigating what type of a butterfly it could be, it is a rare type and rarely seen in Michigan.
I like to think it was a sign from Hayden, Dean and God and their conversation went like this:
God: let's send a sign that you are with Me.
Dean and Hayden: Don't send her a bat! She hates bats! (And both boys begin to discuss how they saved me from bats)
God: let's send a gentle butterfly that looks like a bat!
(Side note: I saw a blackish butterfly later in the day flying around the front porch after I read her story, almost like you were confirming that you knew I knew now. Love you!)
I held this picture back for a year. I was sitting in my backyard praying for your family after I heard the news of Hayden. As I was sobbing that another family may feel the horrible pain of losing a child, a butterfly began circling my head and body. It landed on my foot and stayed there for a really long time; for my entire prayer time.
After investigating what type of a butterfly it could be, it is a rare type and rarely seen in Michigan.
I like to think it was a sign from Hayden, Dean and God and their conversation went like this:
God: let's send a sign that you are with Me.
Dean and Hayden: Don't send her a bat! She hates bats! (And both boys begin to discuss how they saved me from bats)
God: let's send a gentle butterfly that looks like a bat!
(Side note: I saw a blackish butterfly later in the day flying around the front porch after I read her story, almost like you were confirming that you knew I knew now. Love you!)
Friday, August 19, 2016
One-year anniversary approaching
As the one-year anniversary approaches this weekend, I really didn't know what to expect when I thought about it. On one hand I was thinking like, what's the big deal, it's not like you can die again. I have been here for the 364 days since we lost you, what's the big deal about the 365th day, etc. (Apparently, there is no "other hand").
I realized yesterday though when I was in Dollar General and saw a Halloween display and realized it bothered me, that the significance of this time is recognizing the same events/activities going on now that were going on when we lost you. It was such a blur then and now there is some distance and clarity available to comprehend these things.
One thing that stood out was the Pep Rally uptown. This was going on the day of your accident last year. Hope and I had discussed going earlier in the week possibly. Turns out we ended up in the hospital the whole day and Ken Gilmore said a prayer for you and our family that night. (I didn't care about going/missing it-just wanted to clarify). That was last night for this year's pep rally.
Something else was Summerfest last weekend, because I know you and the kids went Friday night last year and we all went Saturday afternoon for the chicken dinner and that was the night that you and Hope went to the Mudhens game. Other things that are coming to mind are back-to-school stuff (Nance said this was stressing Jake out right now too), that's all I could think of actually. I have to stop doing that with my lead-ins. Oh yeah-Carter's football season, the boys' water polo season are a few other examples. Things that we participated in at the time last year but weren't even really "there" for-just going through the motions and trying to survive the tremendous blow we had just been given. The "new" normal.
As expected, this experience will be most unexpected as grief often plays out. It makes me a little annoyed with Pastor when he said not to make a big deal about the day when I didn't even know until recently what I was dealing with. If I don't know, how would he? And that's fine if he doesn't, but please respect whatever we tell you we are going through. The people issues that have come up since your accident have almost been more difficult to deal with than losing you. Now that is a tragedy all its own.
I realized yesterday though when I was in Dollar General and saw a Halloween display and realized it bothered me, that the significance of this time is recognizing the same events/activities going on now that were going on when we lost you. It was such a blur then and now there is some distance and clarity available to comprehend these things.
One thing that stood out was the Pep Rally uptown. This was going on the day of your accident last year. Hope and I had discussed going earlier in the week possibly. Turns out we ended up in the hospital the whole day and Ken Gilmore said a prayer for you and our family that night. (I didn't care about going/missing it-just wanted to clarify). That was last night for this year's pep rally.
Something else was Summerfest last weekend, because I know you and the kids went Friday night last year and we all went Saturday afternoon for the chicken dinner and that was the night that you and Hope went to the Mudhens game. Other things that are coming to mind are back-to-school stuff (Nance said this was stressing Jake out right now too), that's all I could think of actually. I have to stop doing that with my lead-ins. Oh yeah-Carter's football season, the boys' water polo season are a few other examples. Things that we participated in at the time last year but weren't even really "there" for-just going through the motions and trying to survive the tremendous blow we had just been given. The "new" normal.
As expected, this experience will be most unexpected as grief often plays out. It makes me a little annoyed with Pastor when he said not to make a big deal about the day when I didn't even know until recently what I was dealing with. If I don't know, how would he? And that's fine if he doesn't, but please respect whatever we tell you we are going through. The people issues that have come up since your accident have almost been more difficult to deal with than losing you. Now that is a tragedy all its own.
Hate when I do that
I thought I wrote about this at the time, but I can't find it, hence the title of this post. Anyway, in April, the son of one of our insureds came in to report that his dad had been in an accident. It was a head-on collision on a two-lane road and nobody knew how it happened. The dad ended up in the hospital with a suspected brain injury. This was all eerily similar to your accident. The dad was about my dad's age. He ended up being fine.
I remember I had lunch with Nance that day and shared the story with her, so maybe that's why I thought I had made a post about it. Anyway the reason why I am bringing it up now is because there is now a liability claim that has been filed by the other party against our insured's policy because he was determined to be at-fault, most likely because he was the one who crossed the center line. I still don't think they know why-if he had a medical episode or what. I will have to keep an eye on it to see how it turns out.
My point in addressing this is that this could have happened with your accident. I guess the other driver still could have sued even though you died, but perhaps that was a deterrent. I don't know why I always feel like I have to say this, but I would rather have you here of course and deal with a lawsuit, but that was one of the outcomes. I will keep you posted. Love you boy!
I remember I had lunch with Nance that day and shared the story with her, so maybe that's why I thought I had made a post about it. Anyway the reason why I am bringing it up now is because there is now a liability claim that has been filed by the other party against our insured's policy because he was determined to be at-fault, most likely because he was the one who crossed the center line. I still don't think they know why-if he had a medical episode or what. I will have to keep an eye on it to see how it turns out.
My point in addressing this is that this could have happened with your accident. I guess the other driver still could have sued even though you died, but perhaps that was a deterrent. I don't know why I always feel like I have to say this, but I would rather have you here of course and deal with a lawsuit, but that was one of the outcomes. I will keep you posted. Love you boy!
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Lydia B.'s paper
Lydia Brattin posted this today on Facebook. It was very thoughtful of her.
I realized that a year and 2 days ago was when I last saw my friend Hayden Smith before he died. Enclosed is a narrative essay I wrote for my Creative Writing class, adequately titled, "In Memory of Hayden Smith."
When my family became members at Fellowship Bible Church in 2007, I was nine years old and one of the first people I met that was my age was Hayden Smith. When we were in our teen years, I'd occasionally turn around during a Sunday morning service, see Hayden with his family, and smile at him, to which he'd smile back. That radiant smile, as well as his twinkling crystal-blue eyes, were snuffed out like a candle on August 21st, 2015. That day, just months short of his 18th birthday, was when Hayden Milton Smith died after a severe car crash the day before. As I mourned with Hayden's parents, his younger sister Hope, and his little brother Carter, I learned that no matter how Godly, helpful, funny, or friendly you are, nobody but God truly knows how long your life will be.
Hayden wasn't an ordinary kid: he was generous, kind, friendly, and funny. An example of his generosity happened a few months before the accident, when he delivered a presentation to the church about a recent missions trip he took to Haiti with a non-profit group called Poured Out, which provides clean water to third-world countries. Another example of his generosity occurred long before the crash, when Hayden had registered with the Gift of Life, which donated his liver, kidneys, and heart posthumously. One example of his humor occurred one day, when I entered the Sunday School classroom. I saw Hayden with Hope and exclaimed, "Hey, you two!" As quick-witted as ever, Hayden grinned from ear-to-ear and quipped, "Hey, you one!"
On August 20th, 2015, I was goofing around on Twitter when I stumbled upon a tweet that Mr. Smith just posted, which said that Hayden had been in a car accident on his way to water polo practice and got air lifted to U of M. After that, my mood stayed somber until the next afternoon. I was sitting next to my dad at the Saline library (we were planning to be there until mom was done with work before picking her up and going to the hospital to see the Smiths) when I suddenly heard daddy say, "Uh oh." After pausing the video I was watching, I turned to see what dad was talking about and gasped when I saw an email from Pastor Postiff on his computer's screen which said that after countless tests, Hayden had been pronounced brain-dead at age 17.
After picking up mom, we rushed to the hospital where we saw a crowd of people in the lobby. We asked for an update on Hayden, but we were told that funeral and burial arrangements were being made. Soon after, we were led by Mrs. Smith to the room where Hayden lay, and I felt like collapsing in tears when I saw that his eyes were halfway between open and shut. His beach-tan skin was now mostly pale, except for a couple blood gushed on his right foot as well as on some of his brownish-blonde hair. After my parents had their last look, I begged them to stay a little bit longer while I said my last goodbye to Hayden. Holding onto the rail of the hospital bed, I stuttered a goodbye that I wished Hayden could hear, including a heartfelt confession of love towards him that I had been hiding since I met him. After my goodbye had been said, I joined my parents as we left the room and the hospital.
I previously stated that no matter who you are, nobody but God knows how long your life will be, and one verse in the Bible stands out. The verse, James 4:14, says that life is "like a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." This verse is true because nobody knew for how much of a "little while" Hayden would stay alive. At first, I thought that Hayden was taken away too soon, but I later remembered that God chooses how long we live. It was a shock for Hayden to die the way he did, when other stories I've heard about teen deaths happening are caused by shootings or partying late, because Hayden never drank or shot anyone! I don't know when I'll see Hayden again, but I miss him every single day and hope to see him very soon.
(I'll double check this but I think Lydia had that dream of you in heaven on Thursday night before she knew that you had died. Amazing!)
(I checked-it was!)
I realized that a year and 2 days ago was when I last saw my friend Hayden Smith before he died. Enclosed is a narrative essay I wrote for my Creative Writing class, adequately titled, "In Memory of Hayden Smith."
When my family became members at Fellowship Bible Church in 2007, I was nine years old and one of the first people I met that was my age was Hayden Smith. When we were in our teen years, I'd occasionally turn around during a Sunday morning service, see Hayden with his family, and smile at him, to which he'd smile back. That radiant smile, as well as his twinkling crystal-blue eyes, were snuffed out like a candle on August 21st, 2015. That day, just months short of his 18th birthday, was when Hayden Milton Smith died after a severe car crash the day before. As I mourned with Hayden's parents, his younger sister Hope, and his little brother Carter, I learned that no matter how Godly, helpful, funny, or friendly you are, nobody but God truly knows how long your life will be.
Hayden wasn't an ordinary kid: he was generous, kind, friendly, and funny. An example of his generosity happened a few months before the accident, when he delivered a presentation to the church about a recent missions trip he took to Haiti with a non-profit group called Poured Out, which provides clean water to third-world countries. Another example of his generosity occurred long before the crash, when Hayden had registered with the Gift of Life, which donated his liver, kidneys, and heart posthumously. One example of his humor occurred one day, when I entered the Sunday School classroom. I saw Hayden with Hope and exclaimed, "Hey, you two!" As quick-witted as ever, Hayden grinned from ear-to-ear and quipped, "Hey, you one!"
On August 20th, 2015, I was goofing around on Twitter when I stumbled upon a tweet that Mr. Smith just posted, which said that Hayden had been in a car accident on his way to water polo practice and got air lifted to U of M. After that, my mood stayed somber until the next afternoon. I was sitting next to my dad at the Saline library (we were planning to be there until mom was done with work before picking her up and going to the hospital to see the Smiths) when I suddenly heard daddy say, "Uh oh." After pausing the video I was watching, I turned to see what dad was talking about and gasped when I saw an email from Pastor Postiff on his computer's screen which said that after countless tests, Hayden had been pronounced brain-dead at age 17.
After picking up mom, we rushed to the hospital where we saw a crowd of people in the lobby. We asked for an update on Hayden, but we were told that funeral and burial arrangements were being made. Soon after, we were led by Mrs. Smith to the room where Hayden lay, and I felt like collapsing in tears when I saw that his eyes were halfway between open and shut. His beach-tan skin was now mostly pale, except for a couple blood gushed on his right foot as well as on some of his brownish-blonde hair. After my parents had their last look, I begged them to stay a little bit longer while I said my last goodbye to Hayden. Holding onto the rail of the hospital bed, I stuttered a goodbye that I wished Hayden could hear, including a heartfelt confession of love towards him that I had been hiding since I met him. After my goodbye had been said, I joined my parents as we left the room and the hospital.
I previously stated that no matter who you are, nobody but God knows how long your life will be, and one verse in the Bible stands out. The verse, James 4:14, says that life is "like a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." This verse is true because nobody knew for how much of a "little while" Hayden would stay alive. At first, I thought that Hayden was taken away too soon, but I later remembered that God chooses how long we live. It was a shock for Hayden to die the way he did, when other stories I've heard about teen deaths happening are caused by shootings or partying late, because Hayden never drank or shot anyone! I don't know when I'll see Hayden again, but I miss him every single day and hope to see him very soon.
(I'll double check this but I think Lydia had that dream of you in heaven on Thursday night before she knew that you had died. Amazing!)
(I checked-it was!)
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Timeline correction
I was talking to Hope about the events from last year surrounding your accident, and I placed the time with the Bush family at the lake on the wrong Saturday. I thought it was the 15th which would have been your last Saturday, but I forgot that we went to Summerfest that Saturday because we all got the chicken dinners to share and that was the night that you and Hope went to the Mudhens game. The Friday night before that, you and the kids went uptown, but we all went uptown that Saturday.
I was thankful she pointed that out, because I couldn't remember when the game was. What a blessing that you went to that together! Grandma Joonie's neighbor Lois had tickets she was giving away and you guys wanted to go. Hope said it was so much fun. The Lord provided that time and the tickets for you to enjoy that together. He knew what was coming, as He always does. Thank you Lord! Love you boy!
I was thankful she pointed that out, because I couldn't remember when the game was. What a blessing that you went to that together! Grandma Joonie's neighbor Lois had tickets she was giving away and you guys wanted to go. Hope said it was so much fun. The Lord provided that time and the tickets for you to enjoy that together. He knew what was coming, as He always does. Thank you Lord! Love you boy!
Read claim notes again
I have been avoiding reading the claims notes I have access to at work about your claim because they stress me out. I checked them today though because I was curious how the survivor benefits were coming. Turns out there is no record of the claims department's contact with the lawyer, but maybe that's a separate issue.
Anyway, I was reading through this summer's notes and apparently they got a hold of the other driver finally. It seemed as if he was avoiding their calls for a while until the investigation was over. The main thing that I wanted to record from that is that when your car hit his, he said there wasn't a horn blowing or screeching tires, so that confirms in my mind that there wasn't a problem with the car. I think, anyway. It seems like if that's what it was, there would have been evidence of you trying to regain control of it and there wasn't.
It sounds like this guy is in really bad shape, emotionally. He's had nightmares, he's scared of driving, he and his family have had therapy, and I think they are even moving. His wife left the Saline office of Old National and transferred to Dexter because she couldn't handle the constant talk in the bank about the accident.
I'm not sure how to feel about all of this. Do we have some kind of responsibility to this guy? We already made a statement to him at the funeral that we harbor no ill will towards him-that it was your time to go and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes I get mad about it when I think about him and wondered why he didn't see you and couldn't get out of the way in time. His part of the road is the one that shifts a little and if he was a little close to the center and we know you were already over on his side, that is a problem.
Something else that stood out to me is that he stated he was not responsible-that none of this was his fault. I know that can happen-people get hit by drunk drivers and nothing can be done about it, for example. You at least expect other drivers to be fully functional, etc. (I'm saying this in defense of him and people who get hit by drunk drivers). I keep blaming your death on the accident, but maybe something happened in your brain, like you passed out or you had a brain aneurysm or something. (Look-I can spell aneurysm now). I hope it wasn't an aneurysm because it makes me fearful of the other kids, if it's something hereditary or something. I think passing out is a more likely scenario than that. There are so many reasons why someone can pass out, and if they happen to be behind the wheel, that's disastrous.
I'm thinking now of some of your health issues earlier in the summer again, like the broken blood vessel in your eye from puking "so hard", some headaches you got, etc. But what were we supposed to do, get an MRI? I don't know. They weren't debilitating, so it didn't seem like that big of a deal.
I looked up in time out of my window today at work to see a beautiful blue Sable drive by. Thank you for that. (Morphing into random thoughts). Last night I was talking about you in the car with Carter and he said sometimes it feels like he never had a brother and he almost forgot that you died. I don't know how to feel about that. Maybe that's just how kids' brains work. Like when we first went to Ele's Place and I told the lady that Carter said it doesn't seem like you were real or ever alive. She said that's normal for kids because they can't comprehend the idea of somebody being alive one day and dead the next.
On a related thought to above (surprise, surprise), I asked Hope how she could handle everything so well when you and she were best friends. People always comment on that, so I thought I would ask her. She said she realizes that you are gone and aren't coming back, so she needs to move on. Wow! That girl! She has her sad moments, of course, but what a great outlook.
This turned out a little weird and random, but oh, well. I have to record a change to the "timeline" that Hope corrected me on last night. Love you!
Anyway, I was reading through this summer's notes and apparently they got a hold of the other driver finally. It seemed as if he was avoiding their calls for a while until the investigation was over. The main thing that I wanted to record from that is that when your car hit his, he said there wasn't a horn blowing or screeching tires, so that confirms in my mind that there wasn't a problem with the car. I think, anyway. It seems like if that's what it was, there would have been evidence of you trying to regain control of it and there wasn't.
It sounds like this guy is in really bad shape, emotionally. He's had nightmares, he's scared of driving, he and his family have had therapy, and I think they are even moving. His wife left the Saline office of Old National and transferred to Dexter because she couldn't handle the constant talk in the bank about the accident.
I'm not sure how to feel about all of this. Do we have some kind of responsibility to this guy? We already made a statement to him at the funeral that we harbor no ill will towards him-that it was your time to go and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes I get mad about it when I think about him and wondered why he didn't see you and couldn't get out of the way in time. His part of the road is the one that shifts a little and if he was a little close to the center and we know you were already over on his side, that is a problem.
Something else that stood out to me is that he stated he was not responsible-that none of this was his fault. I know that can happen-people get hit by drunk drivers and nothing can be done about it, for example. You at least expect other drivers to be fully functional, etc. (I'm saying this in defense of him and people who get hit by drunk drivers). I keep blaming your death on the accident, but maybe something happened in your brain, like you passed out or you had a brain aneurysm or something. (Look-I can spell aneurysm now). I hope it wasn't an aneurysm because it makes me fearful of the other kids, if it's something hereditary or something. I think passing out is a more likely scenario than that. There are so many reasons why someone can pass out, and if they happen to be behind the wheel, that's disastrous.
I'm thinking now of some of your health issues earlier in the summer again, like the broken blood vessel in your eye from puking "so hard", some headaches you got, etc. But what were we supposed to do, get an MRI? I don't know. They weren't debilitating, so it didn't seem like that big of a deal.
I looked up in time out of my window today at work to see a beautiful blue Sable drive by. Thank you for that. (Morphing into random thoughts). Last night I was talking about you in the car with Carter and he said sometimes it feels like he never had a brother and he almost forgot that you died. I don't know how to feel about that. Maybe that's just how kids' brains work. Like when we first went to Ele's Place and I told the lady that Carter said it doesn't seem like you were real or ever alive. She said that's normal for kids because they can't comprehend the idea of somebody being alive one day and dead the next.
On a related thought to above (surprise, surprise), I asked Hope how she could handle everything so well when you and she were best friends. People always comment on that, so I thought I would ask her. She said she realizes that you are gone and aren't coming back, so she needs to move on. Wow! That girl! She has her sad moments, of course, but what a great outlook.
This turned out a little weird and random, but oh, well. I have to record a change to the "timeline" that Hope corrected me on last night. Love you!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
One day you won't
I was rebelling on another post that I quoted something from and didn't record where I found it or who the author was and now I'm feeling guilty about it. I tried to find it again but couldn't. Here is one from a Faithit post on Facebook about blogger's question about why babies have to die. Here is part of the last paragraph. It was written by Brie Gowen.
Faith tells you all is well even when it doesn't feel that way. Faith tells you that it's ok to hurt but one that whispers, one day you won't.
Faith tells you all is well even when it doesn't feel that way. Faith tells you that it's ok to hurt but one that whispers, one day you won't.
Next week
I wonder if next week will be the hard one-when we remember having to adjust to life without you. Those horrible four days at the hospital, sleepless nights, meeting with Todd and planning your funeral, cards packed in the mailbox every day, a fridge packed full of meals, setting up your banner in the yard, conversations with Mary Ledford and Jeanette Brenner, trips down that long hallway in the hospital to your room and back, ten billion text messages, Facebook messages, and emails to respond to. Picking out outfits for you and for us, seeing your empty room and not sure of leaving the door open or closed, picking out pictures for your video tribute and songs, going to my mom's and being afraid to go home at night, sleeping on the blow-up mattress with Hope and Carter in (what used to be) Hope's room. Not knowing where Hope and Carter were some days for hours on end, kissing your face goodbye, seeing you in the casket at the funeral home for the first time, going to Panera afterwards, the recognition at the football game after the Friday night visitation, the funeral service itself, singing those songs to you from my seat, getting things together for the vignettes, choosing pallbearers, picking out your casket spray at Flowerland, picking out a plot at Marble Park Cemetery. Having Rache drop Carter off at football practice that week and then going to pick him up and having no idea whatsoever of where he was at because practice had moved to behind Heritage. Going to Lillie Park for the first time and reading the amazing article about you in The Saline Post. Going to the cafeteria for lunch at the hospital and seeing your picture on the front page of the Sunday Ann Arbor News. Having ten billion flower arrangements in the front yard. The sign on the door that Mrs. Ledford made that basically said "Do Not Disturb," which I thought seemed mean initially but was so thankful for later. My lifelong friends Tracey and Margi being there for me then and still there for me now. Washing the last of your dirty clothes. Not wanting to touch anything in your room so it stayed the way you left it. Shopping for school supplies. Dear God, thank you for getting me through this. Love you sweet boy!
This week
This is the same week as the week of your accident last year. It's weird though to note the things that are happening now or happened then because it shouldn't be sad because this is before our world fell apart.
The time at the lake with the Bush family that Saturday, you and the kids at Summerfest that Friday night before, (all out of order-hate that), the Pep Rally coming up on Thursday that we were going to go to but were at the hospital instead, you taking Carter that Wednesday to get his football gear, going to Sonic that Wednesday night. You going to the clinics every morning that week on the same route with no problem. You getting ready to go on vacation with the Calimentes. That was the last time things were "normal." Then again, maybe that is sad. We had no idea what was coming. No idea.
The time at the lake with the Bush family that Saturday, you and the kids at Summerfest that Friday night before, (all out of order-hate that), the Pep Rally coming up on Thursday that we were going to go to but were at the hospital instead, you taking Carter that Wednesday to get his football gear, going to Sonic that Wednesday night. You going to the clinics every morning that week on the same route with no problem. You getting ready to go on vacation with the Calimentes. That was the last time things were "normal." Then again, maybe that is sad. We had no idea what was coming. No idea.
Don't Understand Now
John 13:7: Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."
Note to self: I want to look up what he is replying to
I read the first part of John 13, and this is before his betrayal by Judas and he is washing the disciples' feet
Note to self: I want to look up what he is replying to
I read the first part of John 13, and this is before his betrayal by Judas and he is washing the disciples' feet
Not the End
This was a quote from an article on Facebook about a husband who almost lost his wife after childbirth.
" I don't know what's going on in your life right now. There may or there may not be a happy ending in your story right now. But Jesus is saying, "This is not the end. No matter what you're going through...I get the final word. Trust me."
" I don't know what's going on in your life right now. There may or there may not be a happy ending in your story right now. But Jesus is saying, "This is not the end. No matter what you're going through...I get the final word. Trust me."
Your Presence
The other night I was sitting on the couch, maybe listening to music, and I got a real sense of your presence, like I remembered vividly what is was like to have you here. It didn't feel supernatural or anything-it was like a vivid memory. Whatever it is or was, it makes me so happy.
When this has happened before and I have tried to explain it to Hope, she doesn't understand what I mean. I don't think I am imagining it, because it sneaks up on me. Whatever it is, I am thankful for it. It's a sense of YOU! Wonderful you! Love you so much!
When this has happened before and I have tried to explain it to Hope, she doesn't understand what I mean. I don't think I am imagining it, because it sneaks up on me. Whatever it is, I am thankful for it. It's a sense of YOU! Wonderful you! Love you so much!
Monday, August 15, 2016
I'm not ready to die yet
I had a sleepless night on Saturday night. My shoulder really hurt-it felt like a pinched nerve and even though Dad rubbed it for quite some time, it didn't help. I was so frustrated because I was exhausted from the day (I also hadn't slept well Friday night for some reason) and I had a lot to do on Sunday, so that wasn't helping.
At one point, I heard this song in my head called, "Welcome Home" and it scared me because I've heard of people hearing heavenly music before they die. It was a song I hadn't thought about for a while. Dad sang it in church once with the choir (tells you how old it is) and the words are saying welcome home to someone coming to heaven. I literally thought that I was going to die that night-like maybe I was having a stroke or a heart attack or something.
I pleaded with God to let me live because of Hope and Carter. I couldn't leave them. I then felt bad about it, because why wouldn't I want to be with you in heaven? I do, but I realized later that you are fine there but Hope and Carter need me here.
I then wondered if, given the choice, if you would have asked to stay here too, that you didn't want to die either. That reminds me of our meeting with the Kimballs because they said they believe Evan was given a choice, to live life as a vegetable or to help 5 other people live with his organs. I asked them if they saw "Miracles from Heaven" because a similar situation happened in that movie which I already explained in another post. They believe he chose to give his organs to other people. That's a comfort.
I wanted to address this topic because I have often thought I would be ok with dying to be where you are, but I feel that pull to Hope and Carter. They've already lost so much. If it were just about me, it would be different. It's about them and what God wants me to do. Love you sweet boy!
At one point, I heard this song in my head called, "Welcome Home" and it scared me because I've heard of people hearing heavenly music before they die. It was a song I hadn't thought about for a while. Dad sang it in church once with the choir (tells you how old it is) and the words are saying welcome home to someone coming to heaven. I literally thought that I was going to die that night-like maybe I was having a stroke or a heart attack or something.
I pleaded with God to let me live because of Hope and Carter. I couldn't leave them. I then felt bad about it, because why wouldn't I want to be with you in heaven? I do, but I realized later that you are fine there but Hope and Carter need me here.
I then wondered if, given the choice, if you would have asked to stay here too, that you didn't want to die either. That reminds me of our meeting with the Kimballs because they said they believe Evan was given a choice, to live life as a vegetable or to help 5 other people live with his organs. I asked them if they saw "Miracles from Heaven" because a similar situation happened in that movie which I already explained in another post. They believe he chose to give his organs to other people. That's a comfort.
I wanted to address this topic because I have often thought I would be ok with dying to be where you are, but I feel that pull to Hope and Carter. They've already lost so much. If it were just about me, it would be different. It's about them and what God wants me to do. Love you sweet boy!
The Kimballs
We did something I have wanted to do for quite some time-we got together with the Kimballs who lost their son Evan in a car accident a few months after yours (October). He was the same age, an athlete, larger than life, the list can go on and on as with you. I feel a little silly telling you this because I am sure you two are already friends now, but I like to give background stories on this blog.
We heard of them through Paul Rudnik on Facebook and followed their story since. We met them in person at the Gift of Life event in the spring when we saw them stand up during Evan's slide. Since then we've exchanged emails, Facebook messages, etc. When I went to that Tigers game with Gretchen a few weeks ago, that was because Mrs. Kimball (Lydia) asked us if we wanted to buy some extra tickets from her since it was Donate Life night. We vowed to get together and I narrowed down a date we were available and it ended up that they were too.
They live in West Branch, so they said a good halfway point was Birch Run so we met at a restaurant called Tony's where they have huge food, literally. We talked for an hour or so there non-stop and we obviously had more to talk about so Ward (Mr. Kimball) suggested we continue the conversation at an information/reception area at Birch Run which is a huge outlet mall. They have an area with bathrooms, seating, etc. so we went across the street to there. We sat at a table and talked for a total (with the time at the restaurant) of 4 1/2 hours! We had so much to share, obviously-where we were when we got the call about the accident, the hospital, Gift of Life, family issues, funeral home stuff, etc. It helped so much to share with someone who knew exactly what we had gone through.
(I looked up for a minute and there are two Sables in a row in traffic. I have already seen 2 or 3 of them today. You are here! I know this! Thank you! And now the song "Remember Me" by Twenty-One Pilots is on). (I don't think it's by Twenty-One Pilots- I think I meant to say Canadian Tenors). Please stay with me, especially this week and always! I need you so much!)
We talked about so much, it is hard to process. Stories of their recipients and how they found them (they had 5 direct donations, having 4 of them is a record with Gift of Life), Evan's girlfriend, issues with being 18 vs. you being 17, gruesome things about having an open casket and things that the funeral director had to do to make sure nothing disturbing happened with the bodies (zip-up suits and mock turtlenecks), dumb things people have said, etc. Aaah-there is so much. I might add to this in the future. What a blessing to have them! And I forgot that she is cousins with Kim Nouhan (Kyle's mom) too. We both admitted that we would rather have our boys back then to have all of these new "friends" but that's our life now. Love you sweet boy! Stay close!
We heard of them through Paul Rudnik on Facebook and followed their story since. We met them in person at the Gift of Life event in the spring when we saw them stand up during Evan's slide. Since then we've exchanged emails, Facebook messages, etc. When I went to that Tigers game with Gretchen a few weeks ago, that was because Mrs. Kimball (Lydia) asked us if we wanted to buy some extra tickets from her since it was Donate Life night. We vowed to get together and I narrowed down a date we were available and it ended up that they were too.
They live in West Branch, so they said a good halfway point was Birch Run so we met at a restaurant called Tony's where they have huge food, literally. We talked for an hour or so there non-stop and we obviously had more to talk about so Ward (Mr. Kimball) suggested we continue the conversation at an information/reception area at Birch Run which is a huge outlet mall. They have an area with bathrooms, seating, etc. so we went across the street to there. We sat at a table and talked for a total (with the time at the restaurant) of 4 1/2 hours! We had so much to share, obviously-where we were when we got the call about the accident, the hospital, Gift of Life, family issues, funeral home stuff, etc. It helped so much to share with someone who knew exactly what we had gone through.
(I looked up for a minute and there are two Sables in a row in traffic. I have already seen 2 or 3 of them today. You are here! I know this! Thank you! And now the song "Remember Me" by Twenty-One Pilots is on). (I don't think it's by Twenty-One Pilots- I think I meant to say Canadian Tenors). Please stay with me, especially this week and always! I need you so much!)
We talked about so much, it is hard to process. Stories of their recipients and how they found them (they had 5 direct donations, having 4 of them is a record with Gift of Life), Evan's girlfriend, issues with being 18 vs. you being 17, gruesome things about having an open casket and things that the funeral director had to do to make sure nothing disturbing happened with the bodies (zip-up suits and mock turtlenecks), dumb things people have said, etc. Aaah-there is so much. I might add to this in the future. What a blessing to have them! And I forgot that she is cousins with Kim Nouhan (Kyle's mom) too. We both admitted that we would rather have our boys back then to have all of these new "friends" but that's our life now. Love you sweet boy! Stay close!
A day with Ruby
On Friday, I took the day off of work because we were invited to Ruby and JR's for a swim day. Their kids and grandkids were going to be there too. It was nice to have some more time to get to know them. JR met at a gas station right off of the highway so we could follow him to their house because there was some railroad construction being done. That was very nice of him to do that.
I didn't know what to expect about their house because he kept saying how embarrassing it was how big it was. It was pretty big-a very large ranch with a full walk-out basement. It was also right on a river which was gorgeous. It was nice but it wasn't crazy fancy. You could tell though that they put a lot of money into it, and it was well thought-out.
When we got there, we met their daughter Angel, her daughter Cheyenne, their son Kevin and his girlfriend Tracy and his daughter Kassie. They were all friendly, especially the grandkids. Their kids reminded me a little of Dad's relatives. We had lunch because it was already about 1:30. They had a nice spread-deli meats, baked beans, potato salad, macaroni salad, chips, etc. I sat at their dining room table with the 4 kids and then Ruby joined us. Everyone else ate on the giant reclining couch and watched the Olympics. The Watts' kids and Dad ended up spending most of the rest of the day there.
After lunch, Ruby gave me a tour of their house. On one end of the house was their master suite with a huge bathroom with a urinal and a walk-in double shower. The furniture was all very modern-but nicer quality at the same time. There was a lot of stuff everywhere because Ruby said she hasn't felt up to picking up, decluttering for the past year which was understandable. The other end of the house had two bedrooms for their grandkids which included their own bathrooms. In the middle was an open kitchen, dining and living area. They had a lot of mirrored doors, etc. which made it seem even bigger.
There was a huge deck off the back and when you walked down the stairs there was a big patio and the pool. The basement was the office of their business at one point, so there were all kinds of desks, chairs, computers and a conference table down there. At each end of the basement there was a bedroom and a bathroom. I remember at our dinner with them he said he wanted to make sure that there were rooms for his kids if they ever needed them. There were slider doors all across the basement area as well as for each bedroom and the living area on the main level or upper level. There was even a spiral staircase from the basement to the upstairs which was cool too.
After lunch the kids went for a swim and Ruby, JR and I sat outside and watched them. Ruby also has COPD so she said she couldn't stay outside for long because of the humidity. She stayed out there for a good hour though. JR ran to get some gas for the golf cart (I forgot-that's the first thing that Carter noticed when we pulled up and he and the kids rode that right away). Ruby and I talked about all kinds of things. She also showed me her scar. I kept thinking to myself how amazing it was that something inside of her used to be in you and in me. We didn't talk about anything too profound that I remember.
The kids had fun swimming together-the pool wasn't huge but it was a good size and had a diving board and a slide. There was a karaoke machine with speakers that one of their grandkids plugged their phone into and played some music while they were swimming. After they were done, we went back inside. We decided to have dessert and I offered to help Ruby since her kids were fixated on the couch. I also offered to help her clean up after lunch which I think she appreciated. She had some store-bought pies that we cut up and served. I had some trouble with the first piece of chocolate pie that I cut and it was kind of messy and her daughter kind of complained about it which I found surprising and little bit rude. I am sure they are used to their mother waiting on them, but why won't they help her since her transplant? Geez!
While we were visiting in the living room, Ruby received a Facebook friend request from Nance (love her!) which a beautiful explanation of who she was and how she was like your second mom, etc. It was really nice. It made Ruby cry. Also, Lydia Kimball reached out to her. I was so proud that these special friends were connecting with her.
I think we sat around and talked a few different times. Overall, I wasn't too impressed with her kids. Her daughter mostly liked to complain and talk about her weight loss journey. Her son was ok, but talked a lot about himself as well. I think I liked the girlfriend most of all out of all of the adults (the grandkids were great) which is weird. Dad said no one talked much the whole afternoon when he was in there with them. He didn't want to go outside he said because it was too hot. I was a little annoyed that he sat inside all day in his giant bare feet on the recliner couch. Everyone else kept their shoes on. Anyway.
Later on I took a ride with Carter on the golf cart and then had time to walk down to the river which was beautiful and take a few pictures. The water was low but it was crystal clear. It was really nice.
Ruby kept talking about how she was looking forward to the service next Sunday at church that I invited her too. That should be nice. The whole thing is freaking me out a little though. We decided that we are ok with family coming but if they can't or don't want to, that's fine too. Like I think Nance will be out of town, my dad is going to be out of town, etc. I can talk more about that later-I don't want to digress.
Something else we talked about, I just remembered, was about how we haven't heard from any other recipients. I am ok with that, personally. I am happy with the contact from Ruby and it seems to fill that need to connect with one of them. I don't think there is anything wrong with the other people-maybe they are in different health situations, etc. It's a very overwhelming concept. I don't think the other people are being rude or anything. I don't see the need to put any pressure on them or anything or guilt them into connecting with us. Dad is so weird about everything. I think that's it for this post. Love you!
I didn't know what to expect about their house because he kept saying how embarrassing it was how big it was. It was pretty big-a very large ranch with a full walk-out basement. It was also right on a river which was gorgeous. It was nice but it wasn't crazy fancy. You could tell though that they put a lot of money into it, and it was well thought-out.
When we got there, we met their daughter Angel, her daughter Cheyenne, their son Kevin and his girlfriend Tracy and his daughter Kassie. They were all friendly, especially the grandkids. Their kids reminded me a little of Dad's relatives. We had lunch because it was already about 1:30. They had a nice spread-deli meats, baked beans, potato salad, macaroni salad, chips, etc. I sat at their dining room table with the 4 kids and then Ruby joined us. Everyone else ate on the giant reclining couch and watched the Olympics. The Watts' kids and Dad ended up spending most of the rest of the day there.
After lunch, Ruby gave me a tour of their house. On one end of the house was their master suite with a huge bathroom with a urinal and a walk-in double shower. The furniture was all very modern-but nicer quality at the same time. There was a lot of stuff everywhere because Ruby said she hasn't felt up to picking up, decluttering for the past year which was understandable. The other end of the house had two bedrooms for their grandkids which included their own bathrooms. In the middle was an open kitchen, dining and living area. They had a lot of mirrored doors, etc. which made it seem even bigger.
There was a huge deck off the back and when you walked down the stairs there was a big patio and the pool. The basement was the office of their business at one point, so there were all kinds of desks, chairs, computers and a conference table down there. At each end of the basement there was a bedroom and a bathroom. I remember at our dinner with them he said he wanted to make sure that there were rooms for his kids if they ever needed them. There were slider doors all across the basement area as well as for each bedroom and the living area on the main level or upper level. There was even a spiral staircase from the basement to the upstairs which was cool too.
After lunch the kids went for a swim and Ruby, JR and I sat outside and watched them. Ruby also has COPD so she said she couldn't stay outside for long because of the humidity. She stayed out there for a good hour though. JR ran to get some gas for the golf cart (I forgot-that's the first thing that Carter noticed when we pulled up and he and the kids rode that right away). Ruby and I talked about all kinds of things. She also showed me her scar. I kept thinking to myself how amazing it was that something inside of her used to be in you and in me. We didn't talk about anything too profound that I remember.
The kids had fun swimming together-the pool wasn't huge but it was a good size and had a diving board and a slide. There was a karaoke machine with speakers that one of their grandkids plugged their phone into and played some music while they were swimming. After they were done, we went back inside. We decided to have dessert and I offered to help Ruby since her kids were fixated on the couch. I also offered to help her clean up after lunch which I think she appreciated. She had some store-bought pies that we cut up and served. I had some trouble with the first piece of chocolate pie that I cut and it was kind of messy and her daughter kind of complained about it which I found surprising and little bit rude. I am sure they are used to their mother waiting on them, but why won't they help her since her transplant? Geez!
While we were visiting in the living room, Ruby received a Facebook friend request from Nance (love her!) which a beautiful explanation of who she was and how she was like your second mom, etc. It was really nice. It made Ruby cry. Also, Lydia Kimball reached out to her. I was so proud that these special friends were connecting with her.
I think we sat around and talked a few different times. Overall, I wasn't too impressed with her kids. Her daughter mostly liked to complain and talk about her weight loss journey. Her son was ok, but talked a lot about himself as well. I think I liked the girlfriend most of all out of all of the adults (the grandkids were great) which is weird. Dad said no one talked much the whole afternoon when he was in there with them. He didn't want to go outside he said because it was too hot. I was a little annoyed that he sat inside all day in his giant bare feet on the recliner couch. Everyone else kept their shoes on. Anyway.
Later on I took a ride with Carter on the golf cart and then had time to walk down to the river which was beautiful and take a few pictures. The water was low but it was crystal clear. It was really nice.
Ruby kept talking about how she was looking forward to the service next Sunday at church that I invited her too. That should be nice. The whole thing is freaking me out a little though. We decided that we are ok with family coming but if they can't or don't want to, that's fine too. Like I think Nance will be out of town, my dad is going to be out of town, etc. I can talk more about that later-I don't want to digress.
Something else we talked about, I just remembered, was about how we haven't heard from any other recipients. I am ok with that, personally. I am happy with the contact from Ruby and it seems to fill that need to connect with one of them. I don't think there is anything wrong with the other people-maybe they are in different health situations, etc. It's a very overwhelming concept. I don't think the other people are being rude or anything. I don't see the need to put any pressure on them or anything or guilt them into connecting with us. Dad is so weird about everything. I think that's it for this post. Love you!
It takes two
Hope and I watched the movie, Boyhood, a few weeks ago. I remember I watched some of it with you and wanted to watch the whole thing but it's so long! It was good though. You were right. I remember that's when I told you about some of the adventures with my mom and her dating, drinking, etc.
Anyway, there was a part in the movie that stood out to me when the dad was telling Mason to be careful about driving. He told him it takes two bad drivers to have an accident.
That's true. I have always thought that about head-on collisions and wondered how they could even happen because it seems like one of the drivers could see the other one coming at them and get out of the way. I know that's not possible when speed is a factor, but if you see someone coming into your lane, it seems like you could get over if you noticed it or were able to see it.
I know there was that hill involved in your accident but Dad and I have both driven that both ways, and we feel that you could have been seen in the other lane at many points. I am not blaming anyone but I am just saying. Love you boy!
Anyway, there was a part in the movie that stood out to me when the dad was telling Mason to be careful about driving. He told him it takes two bad drivers to have an accident.
That's true. I have always thought that about head-on collisions and wondered how they could even happen because it seems like one of the drivers could see the other one coming at them and get out of the way. I know that's not possible when speed is a factor, but if you see someone coming into your lane, it seems like you could get over if you noticed it or were able to see it.
I know there was that hill involved in your accident but Dad and I have both driven that both ways, and we feel that you could have been seen in the other lane at many points. I am not blaming anyone but I am just saying. Love you boy!
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Pristine
Came across this word again today and it stood out to me because Ruby Watts's husband said the doctor used that word to describe your liver. He said that's not a word you hear very often. He's right. Here are a few definitions of it/synonyms:
From Google: in its original condition; unspoiled
clean and fresh as if new; spotless
synonyms: immaculate, perfect, unspoiled, spotless, flawless, impeccable, clean, fresh, new, virgin, pure, unused
Merriam-Webster definition:
(Full definition): (1) belonging to the earliest period or state
(2) a-not spoiled, corrupted, or polluted (as by civilization)
b-fresh and clean as or as if new
(I'm sure all of my indentations will go away when this publishes-oh, well)
From Google: in its original condition; unspoiled
clean and fresh as if new; spotless
synonyms: immaculate, perfect, unspoiled, spotless, flawless, impeccable, clean, fresh, new, virgin, pure, unused
Merriam-Webster definition:
(Full definition): (1) belonging to the earliest period or state
(2) a-not spoiled, corrupted, or polluted (as by civilization)
b-fresh and clean as or as if new
(I'm sure all of my indentations will go away when this publishes-oh, well)
Miss that
Today Uncle Rick called the office about an insurance question and, as usual, started asking about you guys. He started to ask me when Carter's football started, but he said "Hayden" instead of "Carter" at first. He quickly corrected himself, but there was a few second-pause where I didn't know what to say. He didn't say sorry or anything either.
This made me really sad because I so wish he was asking me about you like he and other people used to. I used to tell him about water polo, mowing lawns, trips you took, just regular stuff you were doing. That is not ever going to happen again. I never thought how this was just a regular occurrence and no longer is, and how much I miss that. I haven't had that question to answer in almost a year. I miss that and I miss you! Love you so much sweet boy!
This made me really sad because I so wish he was asking me about you like he and other people used to. I used to tell him about water polo, mowing lawns, trips you took, just regular stuff you were doing. That is not ever going to happen again. I never thought how this was just a regular occurrence and no longer is, and how much I miss that. I haven't had that question to answer in almost a year. I miss that and I miss you! Love you so much sweet boy!
Through It
I've heard this before but came across it the other day:
If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
The Day I'll Finally Stop Grieving
This was something that Mrs. Brattin shared on her Facebook page. There are good parts and okay parts, so I will have excerpts. It was written by John Pavlovitz.
Back then (before my loss) like most people, my mind was operating under the faulty assumption that grief had some predictable expiration date; a reasonable period of time after which recovery and normalcy would come and the person would return to life as it was before, albeit with some minor adjustments.
I thought all these things, until I grieved.
I never think these things anymore.
(Was sitting with a friend after his father's sudden passing). In response to my quivering voice and my tear-weary eyes and my obvious shell shock, she assured me that this debilitating sadness; this ironic combination of searing pain and complete numbness was going to give me a layer of compassion for hurting people that I'd never had before. It was an understanding, she said, that I simply couldn't have had without walking through the Grief Valley. She was right, though I would have gladly acquired this empathy in a million other ways.
Since that day, I've realized that Grief doesn't visit you for a horrible, yet temporary holiday. It moves in, puts down roots-and it never leaves. Yes as time passes, eventually the tidal waves subside for longer periods, but they inevitably come crashing in again without notice, when you are least prepared. With no warning they devastate the landscape of your heart all over again, leaving you bruised and breathless and needing to rebuild once more.
You are forced to face your inability to do anything but feel it all and fall apart. It's incredibly difficult in those quiet moments, when you realize so long after the loss that you're still not the same person you used to be; that this chronic soul injury just won't heal up. This is tough medicine to take, but more difficult still, is coming to feel quite sure that you'll never be that person again. It's humbling to know you've been internally altered: Death has interrupted your plans, severed your relationships, and rewritten the script for you.
And strangely (or perhaps quite understandably) those acute attacks of despair are the very moments when I feel closest to (Hayden), as if the pain somehow allows me to remove the space and time which separates us and I can press my head against his chest and hear his heartbeat once more. These tragic times are somehow oddly comforting even as they kick you in the gut.
And it is this odd healing sadness which I'll carry for the remainder of my days; that nexus between total devastation and gradual restoration. It is the way your love outlives your loved one.
I've walked enough of this road to realize that it is my road now. This is not just a momentary detour, it's the permanent state of my affairs. I will have many good days and many moments of gratitude and times of welcome respite, but I'm never getting over this loss.
This is the cost of sharing your life with someone worth missing.
The day I'll stop grieving-is the day I stop breathing.
Back then (before my loss) like most people, my mind was operating under the faulty assumption that grief had some predictable expiration date; a reasonable period of time after which recovery and normalcy would come and the person would return to life as it was before, albeit with some minor adjustments.
I thought all these things, until I grieved.
I never think these things anymore.
(Was sitting with a friend after his father's sudden passing). In response to my quivering voice and my tear-weary eyes and my obvious shell shock, she assured me that this debilitating sadness; this ironic combination of searing pain and complete numbness was going to give me a layer of compassion for hurting people that I'd never had before. It was an understanding, she said, that I simply couldn't have had without walking through the Grief Valley. She was right, though I would have gladly acquired this empathy in a million other ways.
Since that day, I've realized that Grief doesn't visit you for a horrible, yet temporary holiday. It moves in, puts down roots-and it never leaves. Yes as time passes, eventually the tidal waves subside for longer periods, but they inevitably come crashing in again without notice, when you are least prepared. With no warning they devastate the landscape of your heart all over again, leaving you bruised and breathless and needing to rebuild once more.
You are forced to face your inability to do anything but feel it all and fall apart. It's incredibly difficult in those quiet moments, when you realize so long after the loss that you're still not the same person you used to be; that this chronic soul injury just won't heal up. This is tough medicine to take, but more difficult still, is coming to feel quite sure that you'll never be that person again. It's humbling to know you've been internally altered: Death has interrupted your plans, severed your relationships, and rewritten the script for you.
And strangely (or perhaps quite understandably) those acute attacks of despair are the very moments when I feel closest to (Hayden), as if the pain somehow allows me to remove the space and time which separates us and I can press my head against his chest and hear his heartbeat once more. These tragic times are somehow oddly comforting even as they kick you in the gut.
And it is this odd healing sadness which I'll carry for the remainder of my days; that nexus between total devastation and gradual restoration. It is the way your love outlives your loved one.
I've walked enough of this road to realize that it is my road now. This is not just a momentary detour, it's the permanent state of my affairs. I will have many good days and many moments of gratitude and times of welcome respite, but I'm never getting over this loss.
This is the cost of sharing your life with someone worth missing.
The day I'll stop grieving-is the day I stop breathing.
Thy will be done= what is best
I already wrote about that singer from Lady Antebellum about the song Thy Will Be Done. I was reading another little article about it and remembered that I learned then that thy will be done means what is best.
I'm struggling these days with things. I know I pretty much hate the month of August. It shouldn't make a difference but it does. Dad and I are not fighting as much, but the issues remain. As a follow-up to my post yesterday, he was going to get the $50 out of his account to transfer to BOAA, only to find out this his account is overdrawn. He forgot about a check he wrote. Than last night he realized he forgot about his opthamologist appointment. How do you even do that?
Little things help-Jeff Dowling brought me flowers today, I came across this article, last night at Aunt Gretchen's sign-making party I sat next to a lady whose brother-in-law is neighbors with John Meadows. She said she heard he is having a very hard time. (Join the club-sorry). This lady also works for the transportation authority and she said there are so many ways for a driver to be distracted at the wheel. Although I am not sure if that's what happened with you, that was helpful information.
Thinking about the phrase above, isn't that what we want for our children? The best? What about God's best? Isn't that the best best?
Uh, oh-too much time to think in between. Does God's will apply only in cases of life and death? Is it his will for Dad to be difficult, for our constant struggle with money, etc.? Are those little things that I shouldn't worry about? I mean that concept could be whittled down to every minute detail of life I suppose. Or does it mean in relation to God's master plan which is building up His kingdom for eternity?
I know I have read things that God's will is always done in heaven, but rarely done on earth. I know our days are numbered in His book from eternity past. The day we are born and the day we die. Those are issues that matter in God's eyes than how is my marriage and how much money do I make and how do I look. God's concern is eternal things, not temporal things. Things on earth will not last. These things don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. What does last? God, a soul, love, heaven. We need to focus on things that will last for eternity-sharing the Gospel, trusting God whate'er befall, serving Him, loving Him, knowing Him better, the list can go and on. It's not about me, it's about God! I have to remember that! You are with Him now, sweet boy! How is it? I'm sure I know the answer to that. You are fine! You are more than fine! How long, O Lord, before I can see my sweet boy again? Help me, Lord!
I'm struggling these days with things. I know I pretty much hate the month of August. It shouldn't make a difference but it does. Dad and I are not fighting as much, but the issues remain. As a follow-up to my post yesterday, he was going to get the $50 out of his account to transfer to BOAA, only to find out this his account is overdrawn. He forgot about a check he wrote. Than last night he realized he forgot about his opthamologist appointment. How do you even do that?
Little things help-Jeff Dowling brought me flowers today, I came across this article, last night at Aunt Gretchen's sign-making party I sat next to a lady whose brother-in-law is neighbors with John Meadows. She said she heard he is having a very hard time. (Join the club-sorry). This lady also works for the transportation authority and she said there are so many ways for a driver to be distracted at the wheel. Although I am not sure if that's what happened with you, that was helpful information.
Thinking about the phrase above, isn't that what we want for our children? The best? What about God's best? Isn't that the best best?
Uh, oh-too much time to think in between. Does God's will apply only in cases of life and death? Is it his will for Dad to be difficult, for our constant struggle with money, etc.? Are those little things that I shouldn't worry about? I mean that concept could be whittled down to every minute detail of life I suppose. Or does it mean in relation to God's master plan which is building up His kingdom for eternity?
I know I have read things that God's will is always done in heaven, but rarely done on earth. I know our days are numbered in His book from eternity past. The day we are born and the day we die. Those are issues that matter in God's eyes than how is my marriage and how much money do I make and how do I look. God's concern is eternal things, not temporal things. Things on earth will not last. These things don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. What does last? God, a soul, love, heaven. We need to focus on things that will last for eternity-sharing the Gospel, trusting God whate'er befall, serving Him, loving Him, knowing Him better, the list can go and on. It's not about me, it's about God! I have to remember that! You are with Him now, sweet boy! How is it? I'm sure I know the answer to that. You are fine! You are more than fine! How long, O Lord, before I can see my sweet boy again? Help me, Lord!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Should write about it
Things have been better between Dad and I, but for some reason I don't feel like writing about it. Last night he snapped at me at Grandma Joonie's because he had been in the other room on his phone during dinner with work stuff and then he was on it at the table. Last time we were there he was on his phone the whole time with non-work stuff and I asked if he could not do that this time. He agreed, so when I saw him doing that again, I reminded him of that.
He snapped back that is was for work and that Jill never bothers Kerry about taking care of work stuff when they are there. I told him I didn't know it was for work, that I thought he was just on Facebook or something. Grandma Joonie got involved and asked us to stop and said that Jill doesn't say anything to Kerry because she's scared of him. Dad said that means she respects him.
I hate getting in trouble with Dad for fighting. If people listen to what's going on, it's clear that he is in the wrong. I also feel bad because Grandma Joonie got dinner together for us at the last minute last night even though she is having a tight week and nobody wants to sit and hear us fight.
Now I am thinking when Hope and Carter fight and I don't care who's right or wrong, I just want them to stop. Usually I will pinpoint Hope since she is older. I never stop to listen to the issue either of who is right or wrong. Hmmm-might have to think about that one.
Since we have been "getting along", it's even clearer to me how Dad is still doing the same things he always has. On Sunday, he begged me to spare $50 out of our accounts to go along with $50 from his account to buy another pair of new basketball shoes since the ones he bought a few weeks ago aren't working out and he can't return them. First of all, he ended up spending a total of $200 with some socks he bought. He had already promised last week when he spent an unplanned $160 on some probiotics that he would hold off on basketball shoes in place of this. What happened to that promise? It's from the same money-there was not another pay day in there. Then on top of all that, I asked him to get the $50 back into the Bank of Ann Arbor account as soon as possible which he promised, and he didn't do it yesterday so far.
This "getting along" phase is eye-opening to me because the issues are still there. The other day I was going to get on him about something and everyone "shushed me." There are still things we have to discuss and have to figure out how to discuss without fighting. It makes me a little sad but also gives me affirmation that there have been real actual problems over the years that I have tried to deal with that I'm not going to overlook just for the sake of "keeping the peace." (quote overload)
Oh boy, I am a handful. I don't think that's what God meant by submission. To let your husband railroad you and just to go along with bad decision after bad decision, broken promise after broken promise. It's not right! There is something very wrong in his heart attitude! Lord, help me to deal with this! (Sorry for the rant-love you boy!)
He snapped back that is was for work and that Jill never bothers Kerry about taking care of work stuff when they are there. I told him I didn't know it was for work, that I thought he was just on Facebook or something. Grandma Joonie got involved and asked us to stop and said that Jill doesn't say anything to Kerry because she's scared of him. Dad said that means she respects him.
I hate getting in trouble with Dad for fighting. If people listen to what's going on, it's clear that he is in the wrong. I also feel bad because Grandma Joonie got dinner together for us at the last minute last night even though she is having a tight week and nobody wants to sit and hear us fight.
Now I am thinking when Hope and Carter fight and I don't care who's right or wrong, I just want them to stop. Usually I will pinpoint Hope since she is older. I never stop to listen to the issue either of who is right or wrong. Hmmm-might have to think about that one.
Since we have been "getting along", it's even clearer to me how Dad is still doing the same things he always has. On Sunday, he begged me to spare $50 out of our accounts to go along with $50 from his account to buy another pair of new basketball shoes since the ones he bought a few weeks ago aren't working out and he can't return them. First of all, he ended up spending a total of $200 with some socks he bought. He had already promised last week when he spent an unplanned $160 on some probiotics that he would hold off on basketball shoes in place of this. What happened to that promise? It's from the same money-there was not another pay day in there. Then on top of all that, I asked him to get the $50 back into the Bank of Ann Arbor account as soon as possible which he promised, and he didn't do it yesterday so far.
This "getting along" phase is eye-opening to me because the issues are still there. The other day I was going to get on him about something and everyone "shushed me." There are still things we have to discuss and have to figure out how to discuss without fighting. It makes me a little sad but also gives me affirmation that there have been real actual problems over the years that I have tried to deal with that I'm not going to overlook just for the sake of "keeping the peace." (quote overload)
Oh boy, I am a handful. I don't think that's what God meant by submission. To let your husband railroad you and just to go along with bad decision after bad decision, broken promise after broken promise. It's not right! There is something very wrong in his heart attitude! Lord, help me to deal with this! (Sorry for the rant-love you boy!)
Theories
I was driving with Carter out to Aunt Gretchen's last night and had to pass some bikers along the way. I always notice how when there is a biker on the side of the road how, as a driver, we have to get way over, almost crossing the center line which is a risk to us as drivers. But what are our choices? Hit the biker?
I don't know why this came to mind again, but I still can't get over how many people ride bikes on Wagner Rd. First of all, the road is obviously dangerous even for drivers. I have considered that maybe you were trying to get around a biker, that's why you crossed the center line. Maybe if you saw the truck, you couldn't do anything about it if there was a biker you were trying to get around. The only problem with that theory is this theoretical biker would have seen the crash and stopped or said something at some point. Unless they just took off in a panic. I don't know.
That's probably not it. It helps me though to record these thoughts because when they come to mind again I can look up what I wrote about it and remember what is wrong with that theory. Love you sweet boy!
I don't know why this came to mind again, but I still can't get over how many people ride bikes on Wagner Rd. First of all, the road is obviously dangerous even for drivers. I have considered that maybe you were trying to get around a biker, that's why you crossed the center line. Maybe if you saw the truck, you couldn't do anything about it if there was a biker you were trying to get around. The only problem with that theory is this theoretical biker would have seen the crash and stopped or said something at some point. Unless they just took off in a panic. I don't know.
That's probably not it. It helps me though to record these thoughts because when they come to mind again I can look up what I wrote about it and remember what is wrong with that theory. Love you sweet boy!
Monday, August 8, 2016
Light in the dark
From #OCA series:
She, in the dark, found light brighter than many ever see.
-Langston Hughes
More than words can tell
From #OCA series:
I swear to you, there are divine things more beautiful than words can tell.
-Walt Whitman
Light is everywhere
From #OCA series:
Love is everywhere when you really look for it.
-Courtney Fitzgerald
His love
From #OCA series:
(I love that these are Biblically based)
(I love that these are Biblically based)
His love gives life.
John 10:10-11
Friday, August 5, 2016
Making it worse
Because of different circumstances that I can explain later, we found out from Pastor that an "extended family member" talked to him about a special recognition service for the anniversary of your death which falls on a Sunday this year. This was news to us so I asked him about it but he wasn't giving up too much information. I was guessing it was Becky because she is usually behind things like this, but he wouldn't tell me who it was.
I was kind of ok with the thought of it and told Pastor as much, but I just found out last night that Becky has invited many people to church that day to "support" us which really bothers me. Some people say her heart is in the right place, but she tramples over people in the meantime which bothers everyone. Apparently she has invited most of Dad's family, my family, the Aulisas, the Judges, pallbearers, etc. Hope found out from Amanda about this when they went to Cedar Point the other day and we got Grandma Joonie to spill the beans about it last night. When I asked Nance about it last night, she showed me the text that Becky sent out and she sent it out July 1st!
I felt pressured at the onset to decide how we wanted to handle the one-year anniversary because of a situation just like this. Becky is not part of our normal, everyday lives. We haven't seen her for months even though she lives just around the corner. She does these things in the name of helping others but when she hurts people and makes uncomfortable situations in other people's lives, that is not helping!
I hate to say this, but she does things like this just to get attention for herself and for everyone to say, "Oh what a thoughtful person you are." She's not giving any consideration to what our feelings are about that day, what we want, who we want to invite, etc. She wants to be in charge and she thinks she knows what she is doing, but she doesn't know all of our family and friends, etc. I don't want anyone significant to be left out, and all this time the people who are closest to me have been afraid to bring this up because of her telling them to keep it a secret.
Thank God we found out about it! What if we were having a rough weekend and barely made it to church that day and then we see all of these people showing up? That would be overwhelming. People don't get it! And fine if they don't, but why don't you ask or at least listen when someone in our position tells you otherwise! I brought it up to Pastor and even he said to be thankful someone cares for us that much to do this, etc. That is not my point! She needs to respect people's privacy and other people's lives, etc.
She has made me cry so much since your death. It started out when we all met at Panera a few weeks after everything happened. Everyone was discussing your upcoming birthday because Dad had just got off the phone with Pastor about it and she was trying to plan something and asking what your favorite cake was, etc. I couldn't even think about that at the moment and she was off planning a party for you with chocolate cake. I felt railroaded and was thinking, "He doesn't like chocolate cake!" and then I had to run to my car in tears because I couldn't handle it anymore. Becky came to the car and apologized but I felt bad about making her feel bad. But you think she would have learned from that. Everyone has their own preferences. Not everyone wants a lot of people around, etc. And, of course, Dad at the time didn't defend me.
I also remember the Sunday night at church for the special service for you the weekend after your accident, there were only a few bulletins left from the morning service with your picture on them and she had a few and I had to ask her if I could have one. She almost didn't let me. I do not get her. If she loved you and us so much, where has she been in the past few months? She could've come to stuff for Hope and Carter if she was such a concerned aunt, but she wasn't there. She can't be that busy anymore with all of her kids out of the house, one of them being out of state. (When I re-read these paragraphs I remember that she was bugging me at your service because the processional was ready to leave for the cemetery but we couldn't find Carter. I told her that they weren't going to leave without us so to buzz off while I find my child who is joining us. Then she told everyone, "Oh, Andrea's upset now." Of course I am upset! We are getting ready to bury my son! What do you think I will be feeling? Geez!)
And then I think I told you at Applebee's for dinner that one night when Grandma Elsie had all of those bookmarks made from the funeral home that I didn't know about and was handing them out to everyone and she said that I could just have the leftovers for us and my family. Are you kidding me? I just remember sitting next to Becky and she was holding her little stack of them. Thanks a lot for letting me have something with my kid's picture on it. And Dad told me that I hadn't been interested in ordering any but that was because it was right after everything happened and we had ordered everything. I didn't know I was in competition with someone else to get them. Apparently I misunderstood what she meant, but even Gretchen noticed that Grandma Elsie said it in a weird way at first. I ran to the car crying too and when I came back Dad said they were all baffled at what was wrong. My kid died! Give me a break! Show me a little sensitivity or benefit of the doubt or something! Who kicks you when you are down at that level of losing your child? That is so wrong! Even if you didn't mean to make me upset, you obviously did so why not apologize? That did not happen. That just proves that something is wrong with them if they're still blaming me for being upset at things during this time in my life. Even Dad took their side which shouldn't be a surprise.
And even Pastor Matt doesn't know what to say. It's fine if you don't know, but listen to me when I speak up! It could be helpful information in future dealings with grieving parents who don't put up with as much as we do! From our own family! When I was on the phone with him last week about mine and Dad's marriage problems, he said I shouldn't use you as an excuse not to meet with him anymore. I said you're not an excuse and that it's hard enough dealing with losing you and the marriage problems together. He said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, that you're in heaven, etc. I know that but I still miss you! He has a hard time dealing with people's emotions. I know that emotions can't be trusted but God gave them to us and they are there and we have to deal with them.
I also asked him about the Becky thing and he said not to worry about the one-year anniversary because it's just another day, etc. When I was pondering this last night (and bugging Dad and Hope apparently), I remembered that the 20th is the day that I consider the day you left us, not the 21st. I always thought that was weird, but I'm thankful for it because I can have that day to do with what I choose and mentally prepare for the 21st. I shared that with Nance and she was amazed because she feels the same way. You died on the 20th, they just had to wait to call it until the 21st. That was a formality. You died on Thursday afternoon when we were in the room with you. Thanks for waiting for us, sweet boy so we could sing you into heaven with all of those songs you sang as a child!
One good thing that's come out of this so far is that Ruby Watts and her husband JR are coming to the service that day. I invited them before I knew who all had been invited. My concern now is just making sure nobody is left out. Pastor said not to let that bother me if someone misses out, but I would feel bad if somebody significant was left out. I just have this fear that it's going to be a three-ring circus which is how things turn out when Becky is in charge. Plus with all the emotions that could accompany that day. Ugh-why does she create these situations? Why do people make it worse?
I was kind of ok with the thought of it and told Pastor as much, but I just found out last night that Becky has invited many people to church that day to "support" us which really bothers me. Some people say her heart is in the right place, but she tramples over people in the meantime which bothers everyone. Apparently she has invited most of Dad's family, my family, the Aulisas, the Judges, pallbearers, etc. Hope found out from Amanda about this when they went to Cedar Point the other day and we got Grandma Joonie to spill the beans about it last night. When I asked Nance about it last night, she showed me the text that Becky sent out and she sent it out July 1st!
I felt pressured at the onset to decide how we wanted to handle the one-year anniversary because of a situation just like this. Becky is not part of our normal, everyday lives. We haven't seen her for months even though she lives just around the corner. She does these things in the name of helping others but when she hurts people and makes uncomfortable situations in other people's lives, that is not helping!
I hate to say this, but she does things like this just to get attention for herself and for everyone to say, "Oh what a thoughtful person you are." She's not giving any consideration to what our feelings are about that day, what we want, who we want to invite, etc. She wants to be in charge and she thinks she knows what she is doing, but she doesn't know all of our family and friends, etc. I don't want anyone significant to be left out, and all this time the people who are closest to me have been afraid to bring this up because of her telling them to keep it a secret.
Thank God we found out about it! What if we were having a rough weekend and barely made it to church that day and then we see all of these people showing up? That would be overwhelming. People don't get it! And fine if they don't, but why don't you ask or at least listen when someone in our position tells you otherwise! I brought it up to Pastor and even he said to be thankful someone cares for us that much to do this, etc. That is not my point! She needs to respect people's privacy and other people's lives, etc.
She has made me cry so much since your death. It started out when we all met at Panera a few weeks after everything happened. Everyone was discussing your upcoming birthday because Dad had just got off the phone with Pastor about it and she was trying to plan something and asking what your favorite cake was, etc. I couldn't even think about that at the moment and she was off planning a party for you with chocolate cake. I felt railroaded and was thinking, "He doesn't like chocolate cake!" and then I had to run to my car in tears because I couldn't handle it anymore. Becky came to the car and apologized but I felt bad about making her feel bad. But you think she would have learned from that. Everyone has their own preferences. Not everyone wants a lot of people around, etc. And, of course, Dad at the time didn't defend me.
I also remember the Sunday night at church for the special service for you the weekend after your accident, there were only a few bulletins left from the morning service with your picture on them and she had a few and I had to ask her if I could have one. She almost didn't let me. I do not get her. If she loved you and us so much, where has she been in the past few months? She could've come to stuff for Hope and Carter if she was such a concerned aunt, but she wasn't there. She can't be that busy anymore with all of her kids out of the house, one of them being out of state. (When I re-read these paragraphs I remember that she was bugging me at your service because the processional was ready to leave for the cemetery but we couldn't find Carter. I told her that they weren't going to leave without us so to buzz off while I find my child who is joining us. Then she told everyone, "Oh, Andrea's upset now." Of course I am upset! We are getting ready to bury my son! What do you think I will be feeling? Geez!)
And then I think I told you at Applebee's for dinner that one night when Grandma Elsie had all of those bookmarks made from the funeral home that I didn't know about and was handing them out to everyone and she said that I could just have the leftovers for us and my family. Are you kidding me? I just remember sitting next to Becky and she was holding her little stack of them. Thanks a lot for letting me have something with my kid's picture on it. And Dad told me that I hadn't been interested in ordering any but that was because it was right after everything happened and we had ordered everything. I didn't know I was in competition with someone else to get them. Apparently I misunderstood what she meant, but even Gretchen noticed that Grandma Elsie said it in a weird way at first. I ran to the car crying too and when I came back Dad said they were all baffled at what was wrong. My kid died! Give me a break! Show me a little sensitivity or benefit of the doubt or something! Who kicks you when you are down at that level of losing your child? That is so wrong! Even if you didn't mean to make me upset, you obviously did so why not apologize? That did not happen. That just proves that something is wrong with them if they're still blaming me for being upset at things during this time in my life. Even Dad took their side which shouldn't be a surprise.
And even Pastor Matt doesn't know what to say. It's fine if you don't know, but listen to me when I speak up! It could be helpful information in future dealings with grieving parents who don't put up with as much as we do! From our own family! When I was on the phone with him last week about mine and Dad's marriage problems, he said I shouldn't use you as an excuse not to meet with him anymore. I said you're not an excuse and that it's hard enough dealing with losing you and the marriage problems together. He said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, that you're in heaven, etc. I know that but I still miss you! He has a hard time dealing with people's emotions. I know that emotions can't be trusted but God gave them to us and they are there and we have to deal with them.
I also asked him about the Becky thing and he said not to worry about the one-year anniversary because it's just another day, etc. When I was pondering this last night (and bugging Dad and Hope apparently), I remembered that the 20th is the day that I consider the day you left us, not the 21st. I always thought that was weird, but I'm thankful for it because I can have that day to do with what I choose and mentally prepare for the 21st. I shared that with Nance and she was amazed because she feels the same way. You died on the 20th, they just had to wait to call it until the 21st. That was a formality. You died on Thursday afternoon when we were in the room with you. Thanks for waiting for us, sweet boy so we could sing you into heaven with all of those songs you sang as a child!
One good thing that's come out of this so far is that Ruby Watts and her husband JR are coming to the service that day. I invited them before I knew who all had been invited. My concern now is just making sure nobody is left out. Pastor said not to let that bother me if someone misses out, but I would feel bad if somebody significant was left out. I just have this fear that it's going to be a three-ring circus which is how things turn out when Becky is in charge. Plus with all the emotions that could accompany that day. Ugh-why does she create these situations? Why do people make it worse?
Hayden in space
One time at work I was looking at pictures of things in space. One stood out to me (maybe it was the beginning picture or something) of three pillar type things in space.
I saw this picture again in some kind of ad for the library yesterday. I had a thought from you that said, "I've seen that."(like for real, you meant, not just in a picture). The thought I had back was, "How can you see that-you don't have any eyes."
This sounds really weird but it felt like the kind of conversation we would have had when you were still here. Thank you for that sweet boy! Love you!
I saw this picture again in some kind of ad for the library yesterday. I had a thought from you that said, "I've seen that."(like for real, you meant, not just in a picture). The thought I had back was, "How can you see that-you don't have any eyes."
This sounds really weird but it felt like the kind of conversation we would have had when you were still here. Thank you for that sweet boy! Love you!
Windows
Dad shared this last night on Facebook from a Facebook page called Our Angels in Heaven:
You know how new parents look into the window and look at their children at the maternity center and share with other parents the excitement? What if our angels are gathering around looking down at us, showing us off for being so strong and saying, "My mom's awesome, which one's yours?"
Love you boy!
You know how new parents look into the window and look at their children at the maternity center and share with other parents the excitement? What if our angels are gathering around looking down at us, showing us off for being so strong and saying, "My mom's awesome, which one's yours?"
Love you boy!
Thursday, August 4, 2016
No mightier miracle
From #OCA series on Facebook today: (this is how it was written):
(exists no miracle mightier than this: to feel) -E.E. Cumming
(exists no miracle mightier than this: to feel) -E.E. Cumming
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Speak Their Name
This was on Lydia Kimball's Facebook page. I'm freaking out a little bit because her post also said she would call me when they're leaving West Branch for the Tigers game tonight (it's Donate Life night and me and Gretchen are going) and she said she just left! I hope she remembers to contact me about the tickets. I find it so hard to trust people. Anyway, here's the poem:
Speak Their Name
Someone I love has gone away
And life is not the same
The greatest gift that you can give
Is just to speak their name
I need to hear the stories
And the tales of days gone past
I need for you to understand
These memories must last
We cannot make more memories
Since they're no longer here
So when you speak of them to me
It's music to my ear
Speak Their Name
Someone I love has gone away
And life is not the same
The greatest gift that you can give
Is just to speak their name
I need to hear the stories
And the tales of days gone past
I need for you to understand
These memories must last
We cannot make more memories
Since they're no longer here
So when you speak of them to me
It's music to my ear
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
He helps us
This was in another post, but I thought it deserved its own:
God doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given.
God doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given.
Forever Fortunate
This was from the #OCA series. It's beautiful.
I will forever be fortunate to have felt a love so indescribably raw and genuine, one that many seek for their entire lifetime. -Emily Garibaldi
I will forever be fortunate to have felt a love so indescribably raw and genuine, one that many seek for their entire lifetime. -Emily Garibaldi
Things I didn't want to hear
This was a good article on Facebook. The title of it is "5 things I didn't want to hear when I was grieving and 1 thing that helped." I won't record the whole article-just excerpts.
This lady had triplets after years of infertility and two of them passed away.
Before then (when her children died), I didn't know much about child loss; it was unchartered territory. Like most people, I wouldn't know how to respond or what to say if a friend's child passed away (don't like that word for some reason).
But two years later, I have found that some things are better left unsaid. These comments come from a good place, and I know people mean well, but they sure do sting.
Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent-and the thing I love to hear instead.
1. "Everything happens for a reason."
It's a cringeworthy comment for those of us who have lost a child. Sometimes, there is no rhyme
or reason why things happen in life. A parent should not outlive their child.
This phrase goes along with another I often hear: "God only gives us what we can handle." I
remember talking with my childhood rabbi the night before my son passed away, and I asked
her, "Why me?" Her response is something I now live by every single day. She said, "God
doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given." (Love it!)
2. "They are in a better place."
Instead of comforting, this is a phrase that makes me feel down in the dumps. Children are
meant to be in the loving arms of their parents.
I think I speak for every grieving parent when I say, we would give anything to hold our babies
again.
3. "At least you have one survivor (other kids). Count your blessings."
I like to think of myself as a positive person. But even two years later, my heart still aches for
(Hayden). And on the most difficult, dark days of grief, it's hard to "count my blessings."
Yes, I am blessed. I have (two children) who (are) the light of my life. But (they) should be (able
to be with their brother).
4. "You are still young. You can have more children. (doesn't apply, obviously)
5. "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't imagine losing (a child)."
Some days I don't know how I do it either. But we learn how to live with it. We learn a "new
normal", and in those tough moments, we celebrate that we survived the day. This comment is
a difficult reminder of our grief and the (child) who was sent to heaven.
So, what should you say to a grieving parent?
There are no words to take the pain away, of course, but simply letting that person know you are there for them is more than enough.
This lady had triplets after years of infertility and two of them passed away.
Before then (when her children died), I didn't know much about child loss; it was unchartered territory. Like most people, I wouldn't know how to respond or what to say if a friend's child passed away (don't like that word for some reason).
But two years later, I have found that some things are better left unsaid. These comments come from a good place, and I know people mean well, but they sure do sting.
Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent-and the thing I love to hear instead.
1. "Everything happens for a reason."
It's a cringeworthy comment for those of us who have lost a child. Sometimes, there is no rhyme
or reason why things happen in life. A parent should not outlive their child.
This phrase goes along with another I often hear: "God only gives us what we can handle." I
remember talking with my childhood rabbi the night before my son passed away, and I asked
her, "Why me?" Her response is something I now live by every single day. She said, "God
doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given." (Love it!)
2. "They are in a better place."
Instead of comforting, this is a phrase that makes me feel down in the dumps. Children are
meant to be in the loving arms of their parents.
I think I speak for every grieving parent when I say, we would give anything to hold our babies
again.
3. "At least you have one survivor (other kids). Count your blessings."
I like to think of myself as a positive person. But even two years later, my heart still aches for
(Hayden). And on the most difficult, dark days of grief, it's hard to "count my blessings."
Yes, I am blessed. I have (two children) who (are) the light of my life. But (they) should be (able
to be with their brother).
4. "You are still young. You can have more children. (doesn't apply, obviously)
5. "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't imagine losing (a child)."
Some days I don't know how I do it either. But we learn how to live with it. We learn a "new
normal", and in those tough moments, we celebrate that we survived the day. This comment is
a difficult reminder of our grief and the (child) who was sent to heaven.
So, what should you say to a grieving parent?
There are no words to take the pain away, of course, but simply letting that person know you are there for them is more than enough.
Monday, August 1, 2016
It's a question of character
This is a bigger concept than I think I can verbalize, but if you look at my whole life and there is only one major problem in it, why is that? I am a "good" girl. I'm not used to being in trouble, I grew up that way and made the best decisions I could have along the way, which is especially incredible considering the environment I grew up in. I studied hard in school even though I wasn't the smartest student and got through college in four years. Even though I don't "use" that degree, I will never regret the time I invested in obtaining it-it has made me a better person. I'm reliable, thoughtful, faithful, careful, smart, loving, make a conscious effort to do the right thing, put others first, and err on the side of kindness almost to the point of being a push-over. I am extremely hard-working and rarely take the easy way out. I don't waste time or money on entertainment and have to force myself to have some fun now and then. I am an excellent mother and embrace all of the duties of that role that I have been blessed with three times over. I am very careful with money and know how long it takes to make it, and spend or not spend with that principle in mind. I have kept away from alcohol and drugs my entire adult life, not only because I am a Christian, but because I have seen the devastating effects it can have on a life so many times over. I've only had a handful of jobs because I hate quitting anything and stay so long at each one. Each employer I have had has said I was a model employee and the only reason I have quit any of them was (1) leaving to be a stay-at-home mom after five years at Art Van and (2) leaving my job at Target after eight years because I could no longer juggle my full-time job at Hartman Insurance with it and be the primary caregiver for my kids when my husband took a job on the road for a few months to deal with the sudden death of our oldest son. Dealing with that tragedy has been the biggest challenge of my life, but I continue to get up every day and brave the day and my permanently-altered life for my two remaining children who are oh, so worth it.
I am thankful for these qualities I have and for the success they have brought me in life, but they mean nothing without the salvation I have through the shed blood of my dear and precious Savior. Even though it seems like I was on the "right track" before I was saved, none of those were going to get me into heaven. Praise God for sending His One and Only Son to die for my sins so I could stand sinless before Him and live eternally with Him in heaven once my earthly life is through.
I feel like I'm being punished by my Pastor. I have never been fired from a job or asked to leave anything until now with this Sunday School/Junior Church thing. It makes me think of the story in the Bible when the adulteress is about to be stoned for her sin, and Jesus asks for the person without sin to throw the first stone. I am positive that every other teacher or leader in the church has some form of sin in their life. Maybe Pastor just doesn't know about it. We are not human without sin. That is why we need a Savior.
What is this sin that I am being punished for? It's not like an addiction that I have no control over like substance abuse or viewing inappropriate material on the internet or anything like that. My track record has shown that when I am given a rule to follow, moral or spiritual, I do my best to follow it. I know that following any kind of rule is important, especially ones that God commands, so why when I've been told countless times to follow this one rule of obeying or honoring my husband, can I not do it? I know and actually live the consequences of disobedience to this on a daily basis. I, like most women when they get married, had visions of riding off into the sunset with their soulmate and living happily ever after. I know that is not real life, but at least some happiness should come from marriage, right?
Something else I know is that I'm not supposed to pick and choose what I obey where my husband is concerned. Even if he's making what I think is a bad decision, as long as it's not going against God, I'm supposed to go along with it. The idea behind that is if it was a bad decision, that will come to light and maybe he'll learn from that for next time or something. So, it's clear I know what the command is. That is not the problem.
So what is the problem? Do I not trust him? Has he made bad decisions in the past that he has not learned from that have hurt our family? What is his character like? I was going to refer to my list to compare, but overall I would have to say it is mostly the opposite.
The first thing that comes to mind is his many, many jobs. I think the longest he's stayed at any one job in the past 20 some years is close to three years. And what were his reasons for quitting? Didn't like the boss, industry not doing well, procedures and rules changed, didn't get along with a co-worker, Company X is a better place to work, etc. The promise and belief that "this time it will be different." All of the jobs have been commission-based jobs which always require a "ramp-up" period, so once a new one was started, there were a few months of either a draw or very little income. Tack this on to the tail end of a previous job that "petered" out because business dropped and that is very scary, especially when he was the only income earner when I stayed home for 10 years. I fielded so many collection calls for unpaid bills, had to ask multiple family members for "loans"(I quoted that word because we haven't paid most of those back) and ultimately had to leave the home to rejoin the workforce. I can't believe he put us in that position so many times when he would come home and just tell me he quit somewhere for whatever reason. How can you do that to your own family?
Ok, you may say, it's not his fault he's had bad luck with jobs. He didn't go to college, what other options did he have? That's one thing, but when he can't bring home a steady income or even an income some months, this does not seem to affect his spending habits at all. You would think that if money was unstable you would try to save money or at least not spend as much. For some reason, this has never been a deterrent at all. He still eats out whenever possible and buys the new basketball shoes or latest thing, even when I have told him that we don't have the money for something or we need to save it for this or that bill. How do you do that when you have a family to take care of? I simply don't understand that. And one of the biggest financial mistakes he got us into was building the new house. I knew we didn't have the money for that. And then, surprise, surprise, we couldn't sell our old house. We still moved anyway and rented out our house under what our mortgage payment was and ended up with a monthly housing payment of $4000 for the two. We only made that payment twice-once with tax return money and the second with a bad loan. We still owe the builder tens of thousands of dollars for that mistake. They aren't bugging us about it and I'm glad we still have our old house because we had to move back into it, but still.
Next topic-laziness. He will waste hours on end in front of the tv, at the movies, and now he is pretty much addicted to his phone. Napping occurs frequently. His interest in home maintenance is minimal. He doesn't shovel, mow the lawn, take out the trash-he does nothing. He won't pay for repairs or we don't have the money so as a result we haven't had a working hose for years, the garbage disposal has been out for a few months, it took 7 years to get new gutters after he ripped the old ones off, etc. The only thing he has done to the house over the years is take down walls at random, leaving gaping holes in ceilings and giant messes for me to clean up, with no plans for the repair of the resulting damage, which have taken years to finally get repaired while the house looked like even more of a dump in the meantime.
His mom-she has been and continues to be number one in his life. She is his main concern, she is always right, he defends her to the end even in an exchange that occurred the week of Hayden's accident regarding a reasonable request I had. That about sums it up regarding her. I am constantly getting talked to for how "rude" I am to her.
Unreliability-basically what Bill says and what he does are two very different things. This has caused many problems naturally because he will agree to something and simply not do it. If he says he can bring the kids somewhere for example, I have to make sure I am still available in case those plans change. A recent example of this was this summer when I was trying to figure out how to get Carter to Skyline every day for water polo practice. Originally Bill said he could take care of it, but I still felt compelled to make back-up arrangements at work in case he called and couldn't do it. This involved trading lunchtimes with a co-worker so I could leave at 12 instead of 1 and get him there by 1. I confirmed this with Bill several times and he assured me that he would treat it as an appointment and commit to getting him there every day.
Well, for the first week, I did two of the four days for various reasons and then Bill no longer did it. He said he couldn't because of customer appointments. I reminded him that he said he would treat this as an appointment and schedule things around it. He said he couldn't do that because he has to be available when his clients are available. I pointed out what he said to me originally but he didn't really have an answer for that-almost as if he didn't remember or realize he said that. How can you successfully work with someone like that? You need to be able to rely on someone when they say they are going to do something, and I simply cannot with Bill.
This applies also with money. I will ask him not to get something or tell him we are low for the week and he will agree initially, but then comes home with the very purchase he agreed not to make with some big explanation about why he had to get it or no explanation at all sometimes. I can never understand why he would knowingly jeopardize our finances like that. I have a recent example of this too. His starting-out salary has ended and he does not have enough deals that have closed to produce a decent paycheck. To make ends meet this pay period, we had to get a title loan/personal loan. Because of that we were able to pay the mortgage, etc. For some reason, he decided to spend $160 on some probiotics products that he is starting to try from a friend. I asked him why he did that when we had to borrow money recently to pay our bills. He said, "We're paying it back," so he obviously didn't understand my concern. He just always thinks more is coming. Money doesn't come that easily, and it's even hard to borrow it. I don't know why he doesn't understand that.
I know that specific things we fight about don't seem to hold much weight in our past counseling sessions but I think your decisions and actions are manifestations of your character. I know I have been told the generic Biblical principles to follow as far as submission goes, etc. but that is very hard to do when you don't trust the person you're supposed to be obeying. I know this is probably an extreme example, but think about how we are supposed to be under the authority of policemen, judges, etc. But what do you do when these people are bad or crooked? In those instances, the rules change. I know that the only exception to the submission rule is if your husband is asking you to do something against God, but what if the wife feels that his decision-making is not going to benefit the family or could even make things worse and there is a proven track record of that? I also know that the husband is supposed to take his wife's feelings or thoughts into account when decisions need to be made and this never happens. It's my life, my money and my family too, so I don't know why my thoughts and opinions are consistently pushed aside.
For some reason, I have a hard time trying to explain "what my problem with Bill is." I hope that this is a start. This began as a blog entry for me to get some thoughts straight and then as I went on, it seemed like it might be beneficial to explain where I am coming from when I contemplate my marriage problems. I may or not share it with Pastor. I will let you know. Love you sweet boy!
I am thankful for these qualities I have and for the success they have brought me in life, but they mean nothing without the salvation I have through the shed blood of my dear and precious Savior. Even though it seems like I was on the "right track" before I was saved, none of those were going to get me into heaven. Praise God for sending His One and Only Son to die for my sins so I could stand sinless before Him and live eternally with Him in heaven once my earthly life is through.
I feel like I'm being punished by my Pastor. I have never been fired from a job or asked to leave anything until now with this Sunday School/Junior Church thing. It makes me think of the story in the Bible when the adulteress is about to be stoned for her sin, and Jesus asks for the person without sin to throw the first stone. I am positive that every other teacher or leader in the church has some form of sin in their life. Maybe Pastor just doesn't know about it. We are not human without sin. That is why we need a Savior.
What is this sin that I am being punished for? It's not like an addiction that I have no control over like substance abuse or viewing inappropriate material on the internet or anything like that. My track record has shown that when I am given a rule to follow, moral or spiritual, I do my best to follow it. I know that following any kind of rule is important, especially ones that God commands, so why when I've been told countless times to follow this one rule of obeying or honoring my husband, can I not do it? I know and actually live the consequences of disobedience to this on a daily basis. I, like most women when they get married, had visions of riding off into the sunset with their soulmate and living happily ever after. I know that is not real life, but at least some happiness should come from marriage, right?
Something else I know is that I'm not supposed to pick and choose what I obey where my husband is concerned. Even if he's making what I think is a bad decision, as long as it's not going against God, I'm supposed to go along with it. The idea behind that is if it was a bad decision, that will come to light and maybe he'll learn from that for next time or something. So, it's clear I know what the command is. That is not the problem.
So what is the problem? Do I not trust him? Has he made bad decisions in the past that he has not learned from that have hurt our family? What is his character like? I was going to refer to my list to compare, but overall I would have to say it is mostly the opposite.
The first thing that comes to mind is his many, many jobs. I think the longest he's stayed at any one job in the past 20 some years is close to three years. And what were his reasons for quitting? Didn't like the boss, industry not doing well, procedures and rules changed, didn't get along with a co-worker, Company X is a better place to work, etc. The promise and belief that "this time it will be different." All of the jobs have been commission-based jobs which always require a "ramp-up" period, so once a new one was started, there were a few months of either a draw or very little income. Tack this on to the tail end of a previous job that "petered" out because business dropped and that is very scary, especially when he was the only income earner when I stayed home for 10 years. I fielded so many collection calls for unpaid bills, had to ask multiple family members for "loans"(I quoted that word because we haven't paid most of those back) and ultimately had to leave the home to rejoin the workforce. I can't believe he put us in that position so many times when he would come home and just tell me he quit somewhere for whatever reason. How can you do that to your own family?
Ok, you may say, it's not his fault he's had bad luck with jobs. He didn't go to college, what other options did he have? That's one thing, but when he can't bring home a steady income or even an income some months, this does not seem to affect his spending habits at all. You would think that if money was unstable you would try to save money or at least not spend as much. For some reason, this has never been a deterrent at all. He still eats out whenever possible and buys the new basketball shoes or latest thing, even when I have told him that we don't have the money for something or we need to save it for this or that bill. How do you do that when you have a family to take care of? I simply don't understand that. And one of the biggest financial mistakes he got us into was building the new house. I knew we didn't have the money for that. And then, surprise, surprise, we couldn't sell our old house. We still moved anyway and rented out our house under what our mortgage payment was and ended up with a monthly housing payment of $4000 for the two. We only made that payment twice-once with tax return money and the second with a bad loan. We still owe the builder tens of thousands of dollars for that mistake. They aren't bugging us about it and I'm glad we still have our old house because we had to move back into it, but still.
Next topic-laziness. He will waste hours on end in front of the tv, at the movies, and now he is pretty much addicted to his phone. Napping occurs frequently. His interest in home maintenance is minimal. He doesn't shovel, mow the lawn, take out the trash-he does nothing. He won't pay for repairs or we don't have the money so as a result we haven't had a working hose for years, the garbage disposal has been out for a few months, it took 7 years to get new gutters after he ripped the old ones off, etc. The only thing he has done to the house over the years is take down walls at random, leaving gaping holes in ceilings and giant messes for me to clean up, with no plans for the repair of the resulting damage, which have taken years to finally get repaired while the house looked like even more of a dump in the meantime.
His mom-she has been and continues to be number one in his life. She is his main concern, she is always right, he defends her to the end even in an exchange that occurred the week of Hayden's accident regarding a reasonable request I had. That about sums it up regarding her. I am constantly getting talked to for how "rude" I am to her.
Unreliability-basically what Bill says and what he does are two very different things. This has caused many problems naturally because he will agree to something and simply not do it. If he says he can bring the kids somewhere for example, I have to make sure I am still available in case those plans change. A recent example of this was this summer when I was trying to figure out how to get Carter to Skyline every day for water polo practice. Originally Bill said he could take care of it, but I still felt compelled to make back-up arrangements at work in case he called and couldn't do it. This involved trading lunchtimes with a co-worker so I could leave at 12 instead of 1 and get him there by 1. I confirmed this with Bill several times and he assured me that he would treat it as an appointment and commit to getting him there every day.
Well, for the first week, I did two of the four days for various reasons and then Bill no longer did it. He said he couldn't because of customer appointments. I reminded him that he said he would treat this as an appointment and schedule things around it. He said he couldn't do that because he has to be available when his clients are available. I pointed out what he said to me originally but he didn't really have an answer for that-almost as if he didn't remember or realize he said that. How can you successfully work with someone like that? You need to be able to rely on someone when they say they are going to do something, and I simply cannot with Bill.
This applies also with money. I will ask him not to get something or tell him we are low for the week and he will agree initially, but then comes home with the very purchase he agreed not to make with some big explanation about why he had to get it or no explanation at all sometimes. I can never understand why he would knowingly jeopardize our finances like that. I have a recent example of this too. His starting-out salary has ended and he does not have enough deals that have closed to produce a decent paycheck. To make ends meet this pay period, we had to get a title loan/personal loan. Because of that we were able to pay the mortgage, etc. For some reason, he decided to spend $160 on some probiotics products that he is starting to try from a friend. I asked him why he did that when we had to borrow money recently to pay our bills. He said, "We're paying it back," so he obviously didn't understand my concern. He just always thinks more is coming. Money doesn't come that easily, and it's even hard to borrow it. I don't know why he doesn't understand that.
I know that specific things we fight about don't seem to hold much weight in our past counseling sessions but I think your decisions and actions are manifestations of your character. I know I have been told the generic Biblical principles to follow as far as submission goes, etc. but that is very hard to do when you don't trust the person you're supposed to be obeying. I know this is probably an extreme example, but think about how we are supposed to be under the authority of policemen, judges, etc. But what do you do when these people are bad or crooked? In those instances, the rules change. I know that the only exception to the submission rule is if your husband is asking you to do something against God, but what if the wife feels that his decision-making is not going to benefit the family or could even make things worse and there is a proven track record of that? I also know that the husband is supposed to take his wife's feelings or thoughts into account when decisions need to be made and this never happens. It's my life, my money and my family too, so I don't know why my thoughts and opinions are consistently pushed aside.
For some reason, I have a hard time trying to explain "what my problem with Bill is." I hope that this is a start. This began as a blog entry for me to get some thoughts straight and then as I went on, it seemed like it might be beneficial to explain where I am coming from when I contemplate my marriage problems. I may or not share it with Pastor. I will let you know. Love you sweet boy!
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