Friday, January 29, 2016
I love Nance
I love Nance. She always cheers me up. She truly is your second Mom. Love her and I love YOU!
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Someday we will know
I started reading a book called "Heaven...Your Real Home" by Joni Eareckson Tada. This section was particularly meaningful from Part 1,What Will Heaven Be Like, A New Mind:
"And with the mind of Christ we shall "know fully." Not halfway, but fully. While we were on earth, we only sort-of knew or partially understood that "all things that God kept working together for our good" and the good of others, especially in the midst of painful trials. Most of the time, we scratched our heads and wondered how the matted mesh of threads in Romans 8:28 could possibly be woven together for our good. On earth, the underside of the tapestry was tangled and unclear; but in heaven, we will stand amazed to see the topside of the tapestry and how God beautifully embroidered each circumstance into a pattern for our good and His glory.
This will be one of those fringe benefits not essential for our eternal happiness, but simply nice to know. The parents of the little girl paralyzed in a drunk driving accident will understand. They will see how her accident touched the lives of friends and neighbors, sending out repercussions far and wide. They will see how God used the prayers of people halfway across the country; and how those prayers reached relatives and friends of relatives, rippling out farther than they ever dreamed. They will see how God's grace cradled their daughter, forging her little character with nobility and courage. They will see that nothing-absolutely nothing-was wasted and that every tear counted and every cry was heard. "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll-are they not in your record? (Psalm 56:8)
My sister, Linda, will understand why God took her five-year-old daughter, Kelly, through brain cancer. My friend, Diane, will see how her multiple sclerosis safeguarded her from falling into spiritual indifference. My coworker, Greg, will realize the measure of mercy God poured out to him after his divorce...(skipped the rest of this paragraph and the next one-didn't apply as much)
We will understand how everything fit. Everything counted. Nothing was wasted. "The Lord works everything out for his own ends-even the wicked for the day of disaster" (Proverbs 16:4). For every jot and tittle of life will give supreme glory to our all-wise and all-powerful God."
"And with the mind of Christ we shall "know fully." Not halfway, but fully. While we were on earth, we only sort-of knew or partially understood that "all things that God kept working together for our good" and the good of others, especially in the midst of painful trials. Most of the time, we scratched our heads and wondered how the matted mesh of threads in Romans 8:28 could possibly be woven together for our good. On earth, the underside of the tapestry was tangled and unclear; but in heaven, we will stand amazed to see the topside of the tapestry and how God beautifully embroidered each circumstance into a pattern for our good and His glory.
This will be one of those fringe benefits not essential for our eternal happiness, but simply nice to know. The parents of the little girl paralyzed in a drunk driving accident will understand. They will see how her accident touched the lives of friends and neighbors, sending out repercussions far and wide. They will see how God used the prayers of people halfway across the country; and how those prayers reached relatives and friends of relatives, rippling out farther than they ever dreamed. They will see how God's grace cradled their daughter, forging her little character with nobility and courage. They will see that nothing-absolutely nothing-was wasted and that every tear counted and every cry was heard. "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll-are they not in your record? (Psalm 56:8)
My sister, Linda, will understand why God took her five-year-old daughter, Kelly, through brain cancer. My friend, Diane, will see how her multiple sclerosis safeguarded her from falling into spiritual indifference. My coworker, Greg, will realize the measure of mercy God poured out to him after his divorce...(skipped the rest of this paragraph and the next one-didn't apply as much)
We will understand how everything fit. Everything counted. Nothing was wasted. "The Lord works everything out for his own ends-even the wicked for the day of disaster" (Proverbs 16:4). For every jot and tittle of life will give supreme glory to our all-wise and all-powerful God."
I'm one of them
I take naps over my lunch hour and usually use that time to pray as well. I usually pray for people who are ill like Baby Aurora, the Saxes, etc. and for those who have lost loved ones like the Ledfords, the Brenners, etc.
Today I realized that I am one of those people that I have always prayed for who has lost a loved one. I mean I knew it, but who would've ever thought that I would be in that same category. I am one of them.
Today I realized that I am one of those people that I have always prayed for who has lost a loved one. I mean I knew it, but who would've ever thought that I would be in that same category. I am one of them.
Dad's dream about you
I know this was really you in Dad's dream, that is why I wanted to record it (in his words, by the way): He posted this at 10:18 pm (10/18-your birthdate) on Saturday, 1/23/2016
After 5 months and 3 days since Hayden Smith accident I finally had a real dream about him just now. I woke up about 3:00 am and couldn't fall back to sleep so I needed a late afternoon-evening nap. I say "real dream" because I had one a couple of months back where he and Hope Smith were down the sidewalk a bit like we were going somewhere (to eat I'm sure)-he added happy face emoji with sunglasses here- and they were ahead like often before, but I had no verbal interaction with him at that time/dream. Tonight I just dreamt that Hayden, Andrea Hartman Smith, Hope, Carter Smith and me were inside a building (like a dimly lit warehouse) and Hayden approached us all and gave us really good hugs and made sure we knew he was alright. He said he couldn't stay because he had to get back. I was not sad or crying but I did still miss him and recognized he was gone from us. His hug felt so real. I wrapped my arms around his tiny, but firm waist. In real life Hayden was about 5 inches taller than me so when we previously hugged here on earth my forehead would be at his chin level. In my dream he had his shirt off and my head laid on his chest. It was as if he was the parent figure comforting me and assuring me everything was fine. I looked up into his beautiful eyes and they were not sad, just concerned for me. He hugged everyone again and said he has to go like it wasn't something to be sad about as if a son or daughter was going off to war, but it was more like, this is the next leg of his journey and it was normal. After he was done hugging everyone he looked back for me and hugged me again (not because I'm more special than my family), cupping my head and gently pulling it to his bare, warm, smooth chest, just as a parent does for a hurting child to calm and soothe him or her. I think Hayden knew/knows I'm still in terrible pain and that was why he did that. I felt safe and at peace in his arms.
Thanks for helping Dad! Love you!
After 5 months and 3 days since Hayden Smith accident I finally had a real dream about him just now. I woke up about 3:00 am and couldn't fall back to sleep so I needed a late afternoon-evening nap. I say "real dream" because I had one a couple of months back where he and Hope Smith were down the sidewalk a bit like we were going somewhere (to eat I'm sure)-he added happy face emoji with sunglasses here- and they were ahead like often before, but I had no verbal interaction with him at that time/dream. Tonight I just dreamt that Hayden, Andrea Hartman Smith, Hope, Carter Smith and me were inside a building (like a dimly lit warehouse) and Hayden approached us all and gave us really good hugs and made sure we knew he was alright. He said he couldn't stay because he had to get back. I was not sad or crying but I did still miss him and recognized he was gone from us. His hug felt so real. I wrapped my arms around his tiny, but firm waist. In real life Hayden was about 5 inches taller than me so when we previously hugged here on earth my forehead would be at his chin level. In my dream he had his shirt off and my head laid on his chest. It was as if he was the parent figure comforting me and assuring me everything was fine. I looked up into his beautiful eyes and they were not sad, just concerned for me. He hugged everyone again and said he has to go like it wasn't something to be sad about as if a son or daughter was going off to war, but it was more like, this is the next leg of his journey and it was normal. After he was done hugging everyone he looked back for me and hugged me again (not because I'm more special than my family), cupping my head and gently pulling it to his bare, warm, smooth chest, just as a parent does for a hurting child to calm and soothe him or her. I think Hayden knew/knows I'm still in terrible pain and that was why he did that. I felt safe and at peace in his arms.
Thanks for helping Dad! Love you!
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Sorry (?)
Thought to ponder: Someone told Dad on Facebook, "I'm sorry that God called Hayden home." I'm not sure how I feel about that statement. I know what he means by that, that he's sorry you died, but are we sorry God called you home? It goes without saying that of course we would want you still here with us, but I don't think that part is something to be sad about, mainly for two words that are in that statement: "God" and "home". Be back later.
I'm back. I was going to write about this separately but it's somewhat related. I just finished reading a book about Zach Sobiech called "Fly a Little Higher" about a 17-year-old boy who had cancer and died (maybe you've met him?) Anyway, I was pushing myself to get through the middle of the book but I'm glad I did because there was some really encouraging stuff at the end, like how they believe Zach has sent them signs since he died, etc.
One thing that stood out to me was in a chapter called "Hope." I will just quote it instead of trying to explain it: "I knew these things in my head, but now I was understanding them in my heart. I was finally understanding what placing my hope in heaven truly meant. If eternal life with God is the true goal, then simply to live a longer life--just to live--didn't matter quite so much. (Here's the part): If Zach's soul was prepared for heaven at the age of seventeen, then how blessed would I be as his mother to send him on his way?"
Wow! Your soul was ready at seventeen years, 10 months and 3 days for heaven! Your earthly work was complete! That makes me think of a quote I read from Evan Kimball's facebook page (a boy your age who died in a car accident a few months after you did) which said: "Your wings were ready but my heart was not." (I actually think someone posted it on his mom's page).God was ready for you! He used you for His glory! What more could a Christian ask for? Praise God!
I feel like I could say more about this, but maybe I will come back to it later.
I'm back with a Bible verse that is going to be included on the back of your headstone, Psalm 116:16: "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." Here are a few definitions of the word "precious": as an adjective, "of great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly" and as a noun, "used as a term of address to a beloved person." I know an adjective describes a noun, like the word "pretty", so I guess this use is as an adjective to describe death, particularly the death of his saints.
Your death was of great value to God. Looking at both sides of it, he knows how costly it was to us to lose you, but it was also a costly gain to him and to you. Another Bible verse comes to mind, Philippians 1:21: "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Definition of gain: "Something wanted or valued that is gotten; something that is helpful; an advantage or benefit."
In one of the many books I have read and am reading, the best day of a Christian's life is the day they die. It's obviously just hard for the rest of us. (I feel like I'm going nowhere with this post-this has been an off day for me for some reason. Right now there is a huge stressor gone since Dad went out of town last night, so maybe it's giving me more time to focus on you. I don't know. One stupid thing that I did earlier was look at some pictures of dead people that were set up at their funerals as playing cards, standing in the corner, on a motorcycle, etc. They were creepy anyway, but I hate thinking of you as a corpse. I can't focus on the physical. Then I thought I could handle watching some of the videos that Jake made, but it was hard because they remind me of the time of the crash which was so hard. I also shouldn't have tried to watch them at work-duh! I suppose I have to realize that I will have some worse days than others. This is one of them, unfortunately.)
I'm back. I was going to write about this separately but it's somewhat related. I just finished reading a book about Zach Sobiech called "Fly a Little Higher" about a 17-year-old boy who had cancer and died (maybe you've met him?) Anyway, I was pushing myself to get through the middle of the book but I'm glad I did because there was some really encouraging stuff at the end, like how they believe Zach has sent them signs since he died, etc.
One thing that stood out to me was in a chapter called "Hope." I will just quote it instead of trying to explain it: "I knew these things in my head, but now I was understanding them in my heart. I was finally understanding what placing my hope in heaven truly meant. If eternal life with God is the true goal, then simply to live a longer life--just to live--didn't matter quite so much. (Here's the part): If Zach's soul was prepared for heaven at the age of seventeen, then how blessed would I be as his mother to send him on his way?"
Wow! Your soul was ready at seventeen years, 10 months and 3 days for heaven! Your earthly work was complete! That makes me think of a quote I read from Evan Kimball's facebook page (a boy your age who died in a car accident a few months after you did) which said: "Your wings were ready but my heart was not." (I actually think someone posted it on his mom's page).God was ready for you! He used you for His glory! What more could a Christian ask for? Praise God!
I feel like I could say more about this, but maybe I will come back to it later.
I'm back with a Bible verse that is going to be included on the back of your headstone, Psalm 116:16: "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." Here are a few definitions of the word "precious": as an adjective, "of great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly" and as a noun, "used as a term of address to a beloved person." I know an adjective describes a noun, like the word "pretty", so I guess this use is as an adjective to describe death, particularly the death of his saints.
Your death was of great value to God. Looking at both sides of it, he knows how costly it was to us to lose you, but it was also a costly gain to him and to you. Another Bible verse comes to mind, Philippians 1:21: "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Definition of gain: "Something wanted or valued that is gotten; something that is helpful; an advantage or benefit."
In one of the many books I have read and am reading, the best day of a Christian's life is the day they die. It's obviously just hard for the rest of us. (I feel like I'm going nowhere with this post-this has been an off day for me for some reason. Right now there is a huge stressor gone since Dad went out of town last night, so maybe it's giving me more time to focus on you. I don't know. One stupid thing that I did earlier was look at some pictures of dead people that were set up at their funerals as playing cards, standing in the corner, on a motorcycle, etc. They were creepy anyway, but I hate thinking of you as a corpse. I can't focus on the physical. Then I thought I could handle watching some of the videos that Jake made, but it was hard because they remind me of the time of the crash which was so hard. I also shouldn't have tried to watch them at work-duh! I suppose I have to realize that I will have some worse days than others. This is one of them, unfortunately.)
Monday, January 25, 2016
God wants us
Here is a quote I had written down from C.S. Lewis before, but came across it again: "God doesn't want something from us, He simply wants us."
Since He has you, He has me because you are part of me. Love you boy!
Since He has you, He has me because you are part of me. Love you boy!
Friday, January 22, 2016
Everyone grieves differently
I have heard this phrase so many times with an addition to it: "Everyone grieves differently/in their own way and there is no right or wrong way." I disagree with this statement when it comes to how a Christian should handle grief. Here are some verses to support this:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (this reminds me of when you would sing the books of the Bible song and you had your lisp and it came out "Firtht and Thecond Thethalonianth"): "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, LEST YOU SORROW AS OTHERS WHO HAVE NO HOPE (I added emphasis here). FOR IF WE BELIEVE THAT JESUS DIED AND ROSE AGAIN (emphasis added again), even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words."
(As I was writing this, I imagined that day when your body would be awoken and come out of your grave. Wow! Thank you Lord! I can see it in my head at Marble Park cemetery. A place that I avoid now because there is nothing going on there, but one day, EVERYTHING will be going on there! Praise the Lord!)
Here's another verse, (I was reminded of this from a tile we found behind the stove that Carter made in VBS one year I think. It was marble blue and gold and he had written this verse with Sharpie on it) Romans 8:28: "And we know that ALL THINGS work together for GOOD to THOSE WHO LOVE GOD, TO THOSE WHO ARE THE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE."
This is my blog, so this is my opinion, of course, but Christians should trust in the Lord during this time and rely on His strength. They shouldn't give up on life and happiness. They shouldn't choose to spend time at a cemetery over spending time with loved ones who are alive. They shouldn't plan on starting to drink alcohol. They shouldn't avoid going to church. I realize there are feelings and thoughts to work through and deal with and a great deal of sadness (believe me on this one), but there should be a point when they come out of it even stronger on the other side. Like Pastor's book (is he ever going to come back and finish that with us?), there is the downward spiral and the upward spiral of grief. This is not a time for someone to withdraw into themselves and wallow in their own sadness. Especially when there are other people in their family to think of and who don't need to be lashed out at in anger when all they are trying to do is hang on through the day too. Can you guess who I might be talking about?
Although I don't support his ministry approach, here is a quote I wrote down from Joel Osteen: "You can come out bitter or you can come out better. There is purpose in your pain." I agree with that. There is a choice, and it should be an easy choice as a believer. If you don't, it unfortunately reveals your immaturity as a Christian.
I am not bragging that I am a better Christian than anyone else. This actually makes me very humble and thankful that God has brought me this far. For so many years, attending church, participating in ministry, taking notes at sermons that I feel like I forgot later, I would wonder what the point of it all was when it seemed like my life was not that great with marriage problems, money problems, etc. I didn't know that God was using that along the way to support me at this time. Like little drops in a bucket that filled up the bucket for me to draw on now. Thank you Lord! It's all YOU!
Here is a quote from Zig Ziglar about how so much of life is just about showing up (although I think there is another one that more directly relates to this thought): "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and never give up." There was a quote that I found from Woody Allen whom I don't like, but it says: "Eighty percent of success is showing up." Nothing is going to be gained by staying at home under the covers. As hard as it is, and mornings can be hard, this morning was really hard for me for some reason, we just have to KEEP GOING!
I'm sorry-this doesn't seem like all of this is written to you. When I told Nance that I had this blog but wasn't ready to share some of the things I had written because they might hurt people's feelings, etc., she said that it's more of a journal. I don't know. Why must it be defined? Ha ha. Must look up definition of blog now. Blogging about blogs. Hmmmm.
A blog is a journal that is available on the web. I don't make it available to people I know, but I think it's available to strangers who know how to access it. Sometimes key words are underlined and I will see like a certain # of page views which I think are more than mine. I don't mind that. The reason why I wanted to have one is to be able to record thoughts about you and everything that's happened. I don't want the pressure of sharing it (right now anyway) because I don't want to censor myself with my thought flow. It's helping me a lot, so I guess that's what counts. It helps me connect with you. I bet you're glad I didn't talk to you like this when you were alive! Boring!
I heard from my friend Jenny who asked for my blog address since I mentioned the Abraham Lincoln quote and translation was from my blog. I had to explain to her that it is something I am not ready to share yet-I only mentioned the fact that it was from my blog so people know that it wasn't a random thought that popped into my head-that there was some more thought behind it than that. She seemed to understand. I feel bad about it sometimes, but maybe there is a way I can share some things and not others. I'm just afraid the whole blog would be open if I shared one thing. I will have to look into that.
I guess that about wraps that topic up for now. Love you so much!
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (this reminds me of when you would sing the books of the Bible song and you had your lisp and it came out "Firtht and Thecond Thethalonianth"): "But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, LEST YOU SORROW AS OTHERS WHO HAVE NO HOPE (I added emphasis here). FOR IF WE BELIEVE THAT JESUS DIED AND ROSE AGAIN (emphasis added again), even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words."
(As I was writing this, I imagined that day when your body would be awoken and come out of your grave. Wow! Thank you Lord! I can see it in my head at Marble Park cemetery. A place that I avoid now because there is nothing going on there, but one day, EVERYTHING will be going on there! Praise the Lord!)
Here's another verse, (I was reminded of this from a tile we found behind the stove that Carter made in VBS one year I think. It was marble blue and gold and he had written this verse with Sharpie on it) Romans 8:28: "And we know that ALL THINGS work together for GOOD to THOSE WHO LOVE GOD, TO THOSE WHO ARE THE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE."
This is my blog, so this is my opinion, of course, but Christians should trust in the Lord during this time and rely on His strength. They shouldn't give up on life and happiness. They shouldn't choose to spend time at a cemetery over spending time with loved ones who are alive. They shouldn't plan on starting to drink alcohol. They shouldn't avoid going to church. I realize there are feelings and thoughts to work through and deal with and a great deal of sadness (believe me on this one), but there should be a point when they come out of it even stronger on the other side. Like Pastor's book (is he ever going to come back and finish that with us?), there is the downward spiral and the upward spiral of grief. This is not a time for someone to withdraw into themselves and wallow in their own sadness. Especially when there are other people in their family to think of and who don't need to be lashed out at in anger when all they are trying to do is hang on through the day too. Can you guess who I might be talking about?
Although I don't support his ministry approach, here is a quote I wrote down from Joel Osteen: "You can come out bitter or you can come out better. There is purpose in your pain." I agree with that. There is a choice, and it should be an easy choice as a believer. If you don't, it unfortunately reveals your immaturity as a Christian.
I am not bragging that I am a better Christian than anyone else. This actually makes me very humble and thankful that God has brought me this far. For so many years, attending church, participating in ministry, taking notes at sermons that I feel like I forgot later, I would wonder what the point of it all was when it seemed like my life was not that great with marriage problems, money problems, etc. I didn't know that God was using that along the way to support me at this time. Like little drops in a bucket that filled up the bucket for me to draw on now. Thank you Lord! It's all YOU!
Here is a quote from Zig Ziglar about how so much of life is just about showing up (although I think there is another one that more directly relates to this thought): "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and never give up." There was a quote that I found from Woody Allen whom I don't like, but it says: "Eighty percent of success is showing up." Nothing is going to be gained by staying at home under the covers. As hard as it is, and mornings can be hard, this morning was really hard for me for some reason, we just have to KEEP GOING!
I'm sorry-this doesn't seem like all of this is written to you. When I told Nance that I had this blog but wasn't ready to share some of the things I had written because they might hurt people's feelings, etc., she said that it's more of a journal. I don't know. Why must it be defined? Ha ha. Must look up definition of blog now. Blogging about blogs. Hmmmm.
A blog is a journal that is available on the web. I don't make it available to people I know, but I think it's available to strangers who know how to access it. Sometimes key words are underlined and I will see like a certain # of page views which I think are more than mine. I don't mind that. The reason why I wanted to have one is to be able to record thoughts about you and everything that's happened. I don't want the pressure of sharing it (right now anyway) because I don't want to censor myself with my thought flow. It's helping me a lot, so I guess that's what counts. It helps me connect with you. I bet you're glad I didn't talk to you like this when you were alive! Boring!
I heard from my friend Jenny who asked for my blog address since I mentioned the Abraham Lincoln quote and translation was from my blog. I had to explain to her that it is something I am not ready to share yet-I only mentioned the fact that it was from my blog so people know that it wasn't a random thought that popped into my head-that there was some more thought behind it than that. She seemed to understand. I feel bad about it sometimes, but maybe there is a way I can share some things and not others. I'm just afraid the whole blog would be open if I shared one thing. I will have to look into that.
I guess that about wraps that topic up for now. Love you so much!
Thorn bushes and rose bushes
I feel like I just want to talk to you-there is no particular topic so I thought I would share an Abraham Lincoln quote with you that I wrote on the chalkboard the other day:
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
OR:
"We can complain because we lost Hayden, or rejoice because we had him."
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
OR:
"We can complain because we lost Hayden, or rejoice because we had him."
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Follow-up to police report post
Well, as expected, I read through the police report a few more times last night. I guess my theory could still stand even with the information about that car getting out of your way. If you were starting to drift over the center line for whatever reason, it was still only a matter of seconds the other car said between when he moved over to get out of your way and when you hit the truck. The way I read it initially, it sounded like you had been in the wrong lane for longer, which made me wonder.
It's weird-Dad was getting mad about some of the witness accounts, like the guy at Tippins'. He was saying that there was no shoulder for him to pull over on in the area he was speaking of. I don't know why he takes some things personally (like everyone's out to get home or screw him over) like that or doesn't believe someone's account. He was also upset when he heard about Carter's friend's dad being behind you in the accident. Another witness said the first car behind you left the scene, so I don't know if this kid's dad was that guy. The kid's dad said he saw the helicopters come though, so it must have been a little while after the actual collision. We will have to see. Dad says he's mad because people should stay at the scene of an accident. People have different reactions though. I honestly don't understand though how someone could have physically left the scene and got around both of the vehicles. Whoever it was, they must have seen you drift or the other car who swerved out of your lane or something. We will have to see what comes of that.
For some reason, today was a decent day despite it being the 5-month anniversary of the date of your death. The actual date shouldn't matter I guess because it hurts every day, but I guess just the marking of another month is sad. I got a nice text from Jaime this morning with a video of a Danny Gokee song which helped me get going this morning, and people posted some of your videos, like Kaisa posted your "You Make My Dreams Come True" video for her mother-in-law to watch and Dad posted your "City Walk" video. Ethan posted something nice about when you guys would have Tru Moo and Subway after Captains' Practices and then go back to his house and watch SpongeBob and nap. I wonder if people did this because of the date or if it's just a coincidence. Maybe both. You are remembered and loved. Always.
We also received a nice note from Drew Nelson from church today. I didn't know he played water polo. He said he wished he talked more to you about it. My friend Tracey sent her weekly card/note. Tonight I'm going to dinner with my friend Margi for Thai food. Tonight Rache is coming over to tutor Carter for a math test he has tomorrow. It helps to keep busy and have something to do each night. Nance asked about coming over for a visit tonight, but the house is torn up from the drywall/painting so I told her we should wait until next week. That works for me, because the few times I have gone out to dinner with Margi, I always have to get home by a certain time to see someone-usually it's Nance but one time I squeezed in a visit with Jeanette Brenner. Tonight I want to get the office cleaning out of the way since the weekend will be busy, so that will give some time for that. (Boring!)
Been busy trying to get Carter's bday party together for Sunday. It's turning into a bigger affair than I planned because it started out as a friend party and then we opened it up to friends and family to stop in and say hi and have some cake. Now some water polo families are asking about it. There's plenty of room there and we should have plenty of food but I don't want to get caught up with the adults because I want to be available for the kids. We're having it at 5th corner. Should be nice.
I guess that's it for now. Love you boy! 5 months since I saw you, but one day closer to seeing you again! Praise God for that!
It's weird-Dad was getting mad about some of the witness accounts, like the guy at Tippins'. He was saying that there was no shoulder for him to pull over on in the area he was speaking of. I don't know why he takes some things personally (like everyone's out to get home or screw him over) like that or doesn't believe someone's account. He was also upset when he heard about Carter's friend's dad being behind you in the accident. Another witness said the first car behind you left the scene, so I don't know if this kid's dad was that guy. The kid's dad said he saw the helicopters come though, so it must have been a little while after the actual collision. We will have to see. Dad says he's mad because people should stay at the scene of an accident. People have different reactions though. I honestly don't understand though how someone could have physically left the scene and got around both of the vehicles. Whoever it was, they must have seen you drift or the other car who swerved out of your lane or something. We will have to see what comes of that.
For some reason, today was a decent day despite it being the 5-month anniversary of the date of your death. The actual date shouldn't matter I guess because it hurts every day, but I guess just the marking of another month is sad. I got a nice text from Jaime this morning with a video of a Danny Gokee song which helped me get going this morning, and people posted some of your videos, like Kaisa posted your "You Make My Dreams Come True" video for her mother-in-law to watch and Dad posted your "City Walk" video. Ethan posted something nice about when you guys would have Tru Moo and Subway after Captains' Practices and then go back to his house and watch SpongeBob and nap. I wonder if people did this because of the date or if it's just a coincidence. Maybe both. You are remembered and loved. Always.
We also received a nice note from Drew Nelson from church today. I didn't know he played water polo. He said he wished he talked more to you about it. My friend Tracey sent her weekly card/note. Tonight I'm going to dinner with my friend Margi for Thai food. Tonight Rache is coming over to tutor Carter for a math test he has tomorrow. It helps to keep busy and have something to do each night. Nance asked about coming over for a visit tonight, but the house is torn up from the drywall/painting so I told her we should wait until next week. That works for me, because the few times I have gone out to dinner with Margi, I always have to get home by a certain time to see someone-usually it's Nance but one time I squeezed in a visit with Jeanette Brenner. Tonight I want to get the office cleaning out of the way since the weekend will be busy, so that will give some time for that. (Boring!)
Been busy trying to get Carter's bday party together for Sunday. It's turning into a bigger affair than I planned because it started out as a friend party and then we opened it up to friends and family to stop in and say hi and have some cake. Now some water polo families are asking about it. There's plenty of room there and we should have plenty of food but I don't want to get caught up with the adults because I want to be available for the kids. We're having it at 5th corner. Should be nice.
I guess that's it for now. Love you boy! 5 months since I saw you, but one day closer to seeing you again! Praise God for that!
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Police report
Dad got the whole completed police report yesterday. My gosh, the pictures of the cars are AWFUL! Mangled. I wasn't sure if I wanted to look at the report when Dad first brought it home, but then found myself with some extra time before I had to pick up Hope from the hockey game. I was just going to peek and then ended up leafing through all of the pictures as big tears rolled down my cheeks. Poor boy! I hope you didn't feel any of that. Most of the reports said that you were unconscious in the car but still breathing.
I thought there would be statements from like Susie Fay, the chaplain and others, but that wasn't the case. The key people listed were John Meadows, Coach Katie, me and Dad, and a few other police officers. One witness account that is rattling me right now is one from someone who works at Tippins' who was coming into work on Wagner Rd. that morning. He said your car was in his lane and he swerved to the shoulder to get out of the way and then saw you hit the pick-up in his rear-view mirror. (He saw that others had stopped to help, so he continued on to work to call the police.) When he saw you in his lane, he said it looked like you were trying to pass someone, but that you never swerved back into your lane! What happened? I thought when I read his account that if you would've hit that car, maybe you would still be with us. When you continued past him though, that's when the pick-up was coming over the hill and didn't see you until it was too late. When asked, he said he didn't get a good look at you as the driver to be able to see what was going on. A word I remember him using in the report is that you were totally in his lane. Totally. I am sure I will read and re-read that report many times over. I might not look at the pictures that much though. Too painful.
Dad says that doesn't make sense with the trajectory of the accident, even if you had tried to swerve back into your lane because of the angle you hit the truck and the direction you bounced off. That makes me think it wasn't distracted driving either, because it seems like that would be seconds and this situation seems longer if you were in the wrong lane long enough to almost hit another car and then the witness said the truck was a few car lengths behind him.
This new information just blows my theory out of the water. I was going by the original police report before the investigation that looked like you just drifted over the center line gradually before hitting the pick-up truck. This sounds like you were way in that lane even before the truck came along. Dad wondered if you had some kind of medical episode, like an aneurysm or something (I cannot spell anymore! I will look that up later-I spelled it right!), but if that was the case, why wouldn't you have drifted more? Did you pass out? Black out? Fall asleep? What? Did something go wrong with car that you couldn't control? I will have to think on these things for quite a bit. Dad said he might ask the detective about it. It just doesn't make sense. It just opens up a whole new set of possibilities.
Part of this makes me feel better, to get some more information since the details have been pretty sketchy for the past FIVE months! That's a long time to wait for answers. I am still thinking about this, and if Susie Fay was behind you, I wonder if she saw you in the other lane. I also wonder why she won't respond to us or anything or be available to us on Facebook. I know she said she didn't see the accident happen and just came upon it after it happened, but she was still behind you at one point. I so appreciate all of the beautiful things she said about how she stayed with you and how she felt all the love in your car and felt that angels were surrounding you. I'm glad she was a nurse and a believer. Maybe she was an angel herself. I will have to let you know if we ever hear from her. I found it interesting too that she updated her profile pic the day of the accident, 8/20/2015. She is very mysterious in many ways.
Oh, Lord, please don't let me get pulled away into these details. There are things I want to know, but I don't want to regress in getting out of this pit of grief. Help me to find a good balance.
There are things that we can't know here-the injuries from the accident covered over anything that could have been going on with you physically beforehand. The car was so messed up that there is no way to tell if anything was going wrong with that beforehand. All these potential clues are hidden. Or protected. What are we being protected from? Information that wouldn't help us to know anyway? Information that won't bring you back.
That makes me remember too how there was no phone activity for almost all of 8/20/2015 which doesn't seem possible, according to the T-Mobile records anyway. I was relieved, but it was weird that there was no internet activity, texting or calling AT ALL. Another weird thing was the mistake made in the toxicology report where enough of a sample wasn't taken to give a reliable result. I know they found cannibis in your system but not enough to cause the accident, but that was because of the mistakes they made in getting the sample. Here are the many parts of the accident unaccounted for in a list: no passengers in either vehicle/no eyewitnesses of crash itself, only those who came after the crash happened, no reliable toxicology report, no phone records that show any phone activity, no way to know if you experienced any kind of black-out or medical episode prior to or causing the crash, no way to know if something mechanical went wrong with car prior to or causing the crash, and now this weird eyewitness who puts you in the wrong lane longer than we thought before the pick-up truck came over the hill. It's like any avenue that could explain something is blocked. It's like God covered everything up. Was he trying to protect you or us from more pain?
I just watched a video and read an article about the off-set crash and you had to be on the driver's side of the truck for you to hit how you did and bounce off the way that you did. The other witness' testimony doesn't match up with that if you were so far over in his lane. Even if you were swerving back into your lane, it would've hit differently because you would have been coming from another angle. Dang it boy! I know so certainly that you wouldn't have done any of those things on purpose. Were you trying to pass someone and you didn't get back over quick enough? But that doesn't line up either with what the person in the other lane said who swerved out of your way because why wouldn't you have tried to swerve out of their way?
Want to keep track of these abbreviations from off-set crash video: IIHS-Institute for Highway Safety, NHTSA-National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
I knew the minute I closed this out I would want to add to it-with the other car saying you were totally in their lane and they had to get over to avoid you hitting them, maybe that was the start of the "drift" to the other lane. "Totally" can mean a lot of different things (I have a sneaking feeling that Dad is going to track down the guy who works at Tippins'. I feel sorry for that guy! Dad still might talk to the detective about it again first).
I still had this open to update it. Carter just brought a friend of his up here with him to get money from me to go to Benito's. The kid's name is Drew Ausman and when he came in, Carter told me that his dad was behind you in the accident. Wow! That was a bombshell. All I could say was, "That's interesting." He's coming to Carter's bday party on Sunday, so I hope to meet the dad but I don't know if it would be a good time then to hear his story. It's just interesting that it came about when I had just asked you (and God) for some more answers/information about the accident. Praise God! Love you boy!
I thought there would be statements from like Susie Fay, the chaplain and others, but that wasn't the case. The key people listed were John Meadows, Coach Katie, me and Dad, and a few other police officers. One witness account that is rattling me right now is one from someone who works at Tippins' who was coming into work on Wagner Rd. that morning. He said your car was in his lane and he swerved to the shoulder to get out of the way and then saw you hit the pick-up in his rear-view mirror. (He saw that others had stopped to help, so he continued on to work to call the police.) When he saw you in his lane, he said it looked like you were trying to pass someone, but that you never swerved back into your lane! What happened? I thought when I read his account that if you would've hit that car, maybe you would still be with us. When you continued past him though, that's when the pick-up was coming over the hill and didn't see you until it was too late. When asked, he said he didn't get a good look at you as the driver to be able to see what was going on. A word I remember him using in the report is that you were totally in his lane. Totally. I am sure I will read and re-read that report many times over. I might not look at the pictures that much though. Too painful.
Dad says that doesn't make sense with the trajectory of the accident, even if you had tried to swerve back into your lane because of the angle you hit the truck and the direction you bounced off. That makes me think it wasn't distracted driving either, because it seems like that would be seconds and this situation seems longer if you were in the wrong lane long enough to almost hit another car and then the witness said the truck was a few car lengths behind him.
This new information just blows my theory out of the water. I was going by the original police report before the investigation that looked like you just drifted over the center line gradually before hitting the pick-up truck. This sounds like you were way in that lane even before the truck came along. Dad wondered if you had some kind of medical episode, like an aneurysm or something (I cannot spell anymore! I will look that up later-I spelled it right!), but if that was the case, why wouldn't you have drifted more? Did you pass out? Black out? Fall asleep? What? Did something go wrong with car that you couldn't control? I will have to think on these things for quite a bit. Dad said he might ask the detective about it. It just doesn't make sense. It just opens up a whole new set of possibilities.
Part of this makes me feel better, to get some more information since the details have been pretty sketchy for the past FIVE months! That's a long time to wait for answers. I am still thinking about this, and if Susie Fay was behind you, I wonder if she saw you in the other lane. I also wonder why she won't respond to us or anything or be available to us on Facebook. I know she said she didn't see the accident happen and just came upon it after it happened, but she was still behind you at one point. I so appreciate all of the beautiful things she said about how she stayed with you and how she felt all the love in your car and felt that angels were surrounding you. I'm glad she was a nurse and a believer. Maybe she was an angel herself. I will have to let you know if we ever hear from her. I found it interesting too that she updated her profile pic the day of the accident, 8/20/2015. She is very mysterious in many ways.
Oh, Lord, please don't let me get pulled away into these details. There are things I want to know, but I don't want to regress in getting out of this pit of grief. Help me to find a good balance.
There are things that we can't know here-the injuries from the accident covered over anything that could have been going on with you physically beforehand. The car was so messed up that there is no way to tell if anything was going wrong with that beforehand. All these potential clues are hidden. Or protected. What are we being protected from? Information that wouldn't help us to know anyway? Information that won't bring you back.
That makes me remember too how there was no phone activity for almost all of 8/20/2015 which doesn't seem possible, according to the T-Mobile records anyway. I was relieved, but it was weird that there was no internet activity, texting or calling AT ALL. Another weird thing was the mistake made in the toxicology report where enough of a sample wasn't taken to give a reliable result. I know they found cannibis in your system but not enough to cause the accident, but that was because of the mistakes they made in getting the sample. Here are the many parts of the accident unaccounted for in a list: no passengers in either vehicle/no eyewitnesses of crash itself, only those who came after the crash happened, no reliable toxicology report, no phone records that show any phone activity, no way to know if you experienced any kind of black-out or medical episode prior to or causing the crash, no way to know if something mechanical went wrong with car prior to or causing the crash, and now this weird eyewitness who puts you in the wrong lane longer than we thought before the pick-up truck came over the hill. It's like any avenue that could explain something is blocked. It's like God covered everything up. Was he trying to protect you or us from more pain?
I just watched a video and read an article about the off-set crash and you had to be on the driver's side of the truck for you to hit how you did and bounce off the way that you did. The other witness' testimony doesn't match up with that if you were so far over in his lane. Even if you were swerving back into your lane, it would've hit differently because you would have been coming from another angle. Dang it boy! I know so certainly that you wouldn't have done any of those things on purpose. Were you trying to pass someone and you didn't get back over quick enough? But that doesn't line up either with what the person in the other lane said who swerved out of your way because why wouldn't you have tried to swerve out of their way?
Want to keep track of these abbreviations from off-set crash video: IIHS-Institute for Highway Safety, NHTSA-National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
I knew the minute I closed this out I would want to add to it-with the other car saying you were totally in their lane and they had to get over to avoid you hitting them, maybe that was the start of the "drift" to the other lane. "Totally" can mean a lot of different things (I have a sneaking feeling that Dad is going to track down the guy who works at Tippins'. I feel sorry for that guy! Dad still might talk to the detective about it again first).
I still had this open to update it. Carter just brought a friend of his up here with him to get money from me to go to Benito's. The kid's name is Drew Ausman and when he came in, Carter told me that his dad was behind you in the accident. Wow! That was a bombshell. All I could say was, "That's interesting." He's coming to Carter's bday party on Sunday, so I hope to meet the dad but I don't know if it would be a good time then to hear his story. It's just interesting that it came about when I had just asked you (and God) for some more answers/information about the accident. Praise God! Love you boy!
Monday, January 18, 2016
Will You Answer Me?
In one of the books I am reading that I checked out from Ele's Place, (it's called "On Grief and Grieving") there was an exercise to write a letter to your loved one (handwrite) with your right hand and then use your left hand to get an "answer" back. Some people experienced answers that could only have been received from their loved ones, one even going so far as to her deceased son telling her she was going to have multiple babies, and she found out later that she was pregnant with twins. It explained away about how the mom might have known subconsciously that she was pregnant with twins to say that it might not have been a communication from her deceased son, but the main thing that it offered was comfort. I'm ok with believing that you could send me messages.
I don't handwrite you letters, I type them (you know that), but I felt this a little bit when I was writing the post about Disney and the thought "popped" into my head about the little fight we had and how you were sorry. Also, the thought about how we wouldn't have been there at Disney if it weren't for me and my efforts (and God! Tell Him I'm sorry I always add Him as an afterthought!)
I don't know if I will do the handwriting thing, but it keeps my mind open to thoughts/messages from you. What a lovely thought! With that said, talk to me baby!
I don't handwrite you letters, I type them (you know that), but I felt this a little bit when I was writing the post about Disney and the thought "popped" into my head about the little fight we had and how you were sorry. Also, the thought about how we wouldn't have been there at Disney if it weren't for me and my efforts (and God! Tell Him I'm sorry I always add Him as an afterthought!)
I don't know if I will do the handwriting thing, but it keeps my mind open to thoughts/messages from you. What a lovely thought! With that said, talk to me baby!
My Father Planned It All
Third try for this post-still MLK Day. I have thought of this topic often, like how thankful I am that we made it to Disney, how thankful I was that we had your graduation party, the time on the Saturday before with the Bushes, etc. (which I thanked them for in the TY note). But for some reason (God) it occurred to me how much extra time we were given with you and that it was from God since He knew the number of your days (as He knows all of ours), but He knew that you had less days left than us.
The things keep coming to mind, so I don't want to forget them: the fact that we had the week of Aug 15-Aug 22 reserved at the Kamp but we cancelled it. One way to look at it is, what if we had all gone Up North that week, would you still have died since you wouldn't have been in the car accident? Your days were numbered, so would you have died a different way up there? That would have been even more horrible as well to be so far from home, U of M Hospital, etc. My thinking is that you might not have gone up with us and it would have been even worse if we were up there when it happened and had to make the 12-hour trip down that Thursday. It's confusing to me to think of things this way, because there are so many what if's. The bottom line is, God foreknew and took this out of the equation long ago. I didn't even realize this was the same week until recently when I noticed 2016 Kamp requests and pulled up our 2015 request. I hadn't been interested in going anyway, but Dad set it up just to reserve a week. I don't know why I don't like going up there anymore-mostly the drive, I think. And then once we're there, it's kind of boring and we never have any money to do anything fun. I wonder if we'll ever go back again. I know once you said you wouldn't mind going up there again, but I don't think you cared too much.
Here's another one: the lake with the Bush family. I didn't realize until recently that the date of it was the last Saturday before your accident, 8/15/2015. I saw that date on some pictures they posted and the video of you tubing. We had tried to plan other dates to go here and there but this was the one that worked out. They wanted to get us out on their boat and that day Dad had promised that you two would help Bill Ortell move, so you came out later. I was ok with meeting them earlier and following them out there Hope and Carter. That's unusual for me to be ok with carrying on a conversation on my own, etc. and I remember even Hope asking why we were going. I just knew I didn't want to waste the day waiting for Dad to be done and then going out then. You guys got there quite a bit later, but it was still a blast. You had plans that night, I think to go to Jake's lake house (didn't know lake house was two words-thanks, autocorrect!), so I knew that we wouldn't have spent that day together with you otherwise.
The best part of that day, even then I must say, was watching you tubing behind the boat. Kevin (Mr. Bush, not to be confused with Mr. Bush at the high school) is really experienced at driving a boat, and you and Carter were back there together at first on two separate tubes. It was hilarious because you could tell how much experience you had by the way you were flipping the tube around and moving it, and Carter was just holding on for dear life with such a serious look on his face, looking straight ahead.You, on the other hand, were laughing your head off and trying to bump into Carter. I remember telling everyone about this early in the week. I pretty much laughed non-stop the whole time you and Carter were tubing.
After that, Kevin asked if you wanted to get a little "crazy". You, of course, said "yes" so we brought Carter in and you were just being pulled behind the boat while Kevin zigged and zagged all over the lake. That lake is huge by the way-I think it was Wampler's Lake. You did pretty well, although he flipped you a few times. That was great to watch as well. Even though I always felt bad that we couldn't provide you with a lake house like the Aulisas' and weekend lake life, it was nice to enjoy that with you. I will be forever grateful for that day.
Another big one is the trip to Disney. I promised that I would get you there before you graduated and this was the last chance! We still weren't doing great, money-wise, but found out that Grandma Joonie's cousin Jane was trying to give away Disney Vacation Club points that she couldn't use because of her husband's ailing physical condition. At the time, I didn't even know what that meant other than she had a condo or something that we could use for a trip down there. I didn't even know if we would have to pay her or what, but when I started looking into the trip, I asked Grandma Joonie to ask Jane about it. Jane said she had a lot of built-up points she couldn't use, so I got in touch with her.
How this worked is Jane has been a Disney Vacation Club member for some time and once you make a large down payment and make annual payments, it's like you own a little bit of property in Disney resorts. Every year, you are allotted points that you can use towards renting an available spot in any of the Disney resorts. We found out later that it takes about 3 years of saving up points to pay for a few nights in a Disney resort. It's just a way for families to save up and stay in nice places on their Disney trips.
Through contact with Jane, we were able to book 3 or 4 nights in an amazing Disney resort, the best part-it was for free! Jane was mostly interested in using up the points so they weren't wasted. Once we set that up for the week of Spring Break (we didn't even realize how nice the room was going to be), we heard from Taryn that she could get free Disney passes for us through ABC. We told her how many we needed and she got to work. Even though she didn't work for ABC anymore, she still had lots of friends who worked there and her boyfriend Buddy works there too. We didn't even know what to expect, but she got us SEVEN free passes! We decided to spend two days at the parks, so we had enough for one day for all of us and then two for a second day. (We decided to leave one day open to do whatever-we ended up being very thankful for that!) The passes from Taryn included the Park Hopper so we planned on going to more than one park that day and then only had to buy three more passes on our own for the second day for Epcot.
I don't have to tell you about the trip-you were there! It was amazing wasn't it? Just being in Florida in March/April was wonderful. The drive was a bear but it was our only choice because plane tickets were so expensive. God MADE that trip happen! I knew that I would've felt so bad if we hadn't have made it there but especially it would have been a huge regret after your accident. Plus it was the best time ever! It was one of my "happy thoughts" along with your graduation party when I would get upset about things, although I have no idea what I would get upset about back then (probably Dad or money-related). The van made it down there and back which was another blessing. You helped so much with the driving! Thank you for that! Another great thing about that trip is we were able to eat a lot of meals in the room since it had the kitchen, so it saved a lot of money on eating out, even though groceries and pizza were expensive there.
Right now I am remembering a little fight that we had when we got home from our first day at the parks. Everyone was getting on me because I was trying to pack a lot into each day, like how I wanted to go to the Hall of Presidents and nobody else wanted to go. You told me that I was ruining our trip by trying to make us do all these things. I know that you are sorry for that. I'm sorry too. We so never fought. I got upset, but I think I was having my period as well (I know you did NOT want to know that). I didn't want everyone to hate me for taking away from the vacation. I am getting a thought that I was the one who made it possible. (If that's you telling me that, thank you!) It was my greatest pleasure. And we have so many wonderful photos of the trip, thanks to you. Thank you for being faithful in trucking that camera all over the place. Unfortunately, I remember how much of a butt Dad was during that trip. He always is though, so why wouldn't this be different. He probably realized how much I had to do with the trip happening and felt insignificant. I don't know though why people lash out in times like that when they are really just feeling bad on their own insides.Remember how nice the room was? It was nicer than our house, which I know isn't saying much. When we first walked in, it was so great just to look around it at and to think we got to live there for a few days. Yay! I probably could have done a whole separate post on Disney-oh, well.
Another thing I remember happening before your accident is the Toledo Mudhens game you went to with Hope. We were at Summerfest during the day and Grandma Joonie said her neighbor Lois had free tickets to the Toledo Mudhens game that night. I am so glad you and Hope decided to go. I know you had a great time together. She told me how, on the way home, you were both singing a lot of traveling songs. What a special time for both of you, always the best of friends (since HS anyway!)
(DumbDumb FatFat! Hope HATES when I remind her of that!)
Speaking of Summerfest reminds me of how you, Hope and Carter spent some time together at Summerfest. Was it a Friday night? We went somewhere and ended up dropping you guys off up there afterwards. I will have to try to remember where we went before that-maybe just out to eat or something. There are such great pictures and videos of what you guys did up there! (Just checked last year's calendar-we had gone to the Postiffs' for dinner that night, which they were thankful for as well. I think on the way home Carter found out that Nina was up there so you guys all wanted to go. I think she ended up leaving by the time you guys got up there. The date was 8/7).
You also had some extra time with Carter on the Wednesday before your accident (I remembered/realized this later too). I was just checking to see when football equipment pick-up days were for his league and the 19th was the last day. We had plans to go to Sonic that night for dinner after I got out of work (I will write about that too) so I asked if you could run him up there to take care of it. (I think it went til 4 so that saved me from having to leave work early. I miss you being able to help like that!) You, being so nice, said yes. I don't know how that went, but I'm glad you had that one-on-one time with Carter as well.
The night before your accident, we went to Sonic for dinner. We had talked about wanting to go there forever, and I tracked one down in Monroe, which was about 40 minutes away. We were going to try to go on Tuesday night, but you asked if we could go on Wednesday night instead. You still had plans after that (to go to Robby C.'s for the bonfire I think), so we left right after I got out of work. You and Carter were pretty quiet on the way there with your earbuds in. It was cool when we got there how we pulled into the bay and ordered and paid at the "sign". They brought the food out and it was really good. It was funny how uneventful it was. Dad didn't go because he had golf that night. We still wanted to go and I am so glad we did.
I will always remember how when you got back from Robby C.'s, you came into our room to say goodnight. You didn't always do that, as I said in the letter that was read at your eulogy. You did the same to Carter and Hope. THANK GOD FOR THAT! I got to see you one last time. I will always remember your silhouette in the doorway.
In addition to all of this, all summer you were hopping from one friend's house to the next. You spent SO MUCH time with SO MANY people. You would go to one person's house and then end up spending the night at someone else's, etc. I know they were thankful for that and it was a blessing to you as well.
What all of this pointed out to me, is that God arranged for all these things since He knew what was going to happen on August 20, 2015. (Sorry-tearing up. Will have to finish later). God knows what we need before we even need it. He knows the desires of our hearts even when we don't. He gave us those extra-special times with you when we didn't even realize how important they were at the time or would be to us in the future. (I just went back and changed "Rob's" to "Robby C's" and remembered how much fun you guys had making that video together! God did that too!)
I want to elaborate on this, but yesterday I was thinking about Sanctity of Life Sunday since it was yesterday and how God knows that all of those babies are going to die/be aborted on a daily basis. I know they are all going to Heaven, but I don't think God just makes them to go right to Heaven a few months after they are conceived. They die because of sin. God knows they are going to die. He can't stop it or chooses not to. The wages of sin is death. He knows the number of their days too. He knew the number of your days. He knows the number of my days. I don't know where I was going with this.
My point is that this (your death) was inevitable. It was a blow. God knew it would be a blow and He softens the blow how He can. Even though He knows that bad things are going to happen, He uses them in the best way possible for our good and for His glory.
This is a mundane, horrible example but it might have helped in this conclusion I came to. Friday night we had a leak in our bedroom in the basement. At the time, we didn't know how the water was coming in, if it was a foundation issue, an issue with the new gutters or what. This bad thing happened because bad things happen in this world. We found out on Saturday that it was a leak from the outside faucet which we thought was turned off but it was not. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been a crack in the foundation which would have cost thousands of dollars to repair. It could have started earlier than it did when nobody was in the bedroom and a lot more water could've gotten in. It could've been in another area of the basement where we didn't notice it for a while and it caused more damage. Bad things happen in this world. They are not God's fault. They are the fault of a sin-cursed world where things go wrong. God knows these things are going to happen but I think sometimes (probably most times or all times) He softens the blow, especially for His own. He is presented with all of these problems that He is not responsible for, but He orchestrates them anyway for us. He has overcome the world. He helps us and wants the best for us and we have to trust that even if/when we don't feel or see it.
I come back to the possible outcomes of your accident. I thought of it again this Sunday when Mrs. Cartwright told me an unpleasant story of a poop accident that Mr. Cartwright that he had that very morning that she had to clean up. His condition is brain-stem related which was what was damaged in your brain. Do I have to even say any more? How horrible would that be to deal with a 17-year-old not having control over such things? I'm sure it's bad enough for a 70-year-old or however old Mr. Cartwright is. Who wants that? That brings me to questions I have about Mr. Cartwright's condition but God has His reasons and purpose for his life as well.
This has strayed quite far from its original intent, but I just wanted to point out that it's a comfort to know that God knew this was coming and prepared us for it in many ways which we we didn't even understand at the time. God is in control always. Praise His Holy Name!
The things keep coming to mind, so I don't want to forget them: the fact that we had the week of Aug 15-Aug 22 reserved at the Kamp but we cancelled it. One way to look at it is, what if we had all gone Up North that week, would you still have died since you wouldn't have been in the car accident? Your days were numbered, so would you have died a different way up there? That would have been even more horrible as well to be so far from home, U of M Hospital, etc. My thinking is that you might not have gone up with us and it would have been even worse if we were up there when it happened and had to make the 12-hour trip down that Thursday. It's confusing to me to think of things this way, because there are so many what if's. The bottom line is, God foreknew and took this out of the equation long ago. I didn't even realize this was the same week until recently when I noticed 2016 Kamp requests and pulled up our 2015 request. I hadn't been interested in going anyway, but Dad set it up just to reserve a week. I don't know why I don't like going up there anymore-mostly the drive, I think. And then once we're there, it's kind of boring and we never have any money to do anything fun. I wonder if we'll ever go back again. I know once you said you wouldn't mind going up there again, but I don't think you cared too much.
Here's another one: the lake with the Bush family. I didn't realize until recently that the date of it was the last Saturday before your accident, 8/15/2015. I saw that date on some pictures they posted and the video of you tubing. We had tried to plan other dates to go here and there but this was the one that worked out. They wanted to get us out on their boat and that day Dad had promised that you two would help Bill Ortell move, so you came out later. I was ok with meeting them earlier and following them out there Hope and Carter. That's unusual for me to be ok with carrying on a conversation on my own, etc. and I remember even Hope asking why we were going. I just knew I didn't want to waste the day waiting for Dad to be done and then going out then. You guys got there quite a bit later, but it was still a blast. You had plans that night, I think to go to Jake's lake house (didn't know lake house was two words-thanks, autocorrect!), so I knew that we wouldn't have spent that day together with you otherwise.
The best part of that day, even then I must say, was watching you tubing behind the boat. Kevin (Mr. Bush, not to be confused with Mr. Bush at the high school) is really experienced at driving a boat, and you and Carter were back there together at first on two separate tubes. It was hilarious because you could tell how much experience you had by the way you were flipping the tube around and moving it, and Carter was just holding on for dear life with such a serious look on his face, looking straight ahead.You, on the other hand, were laughing your head off and trying to bump into Carter. I remember telling everyone about this early in the week. I pretty much laughed non-stop the whole time you and Carter were tubing.
After that, Kevin asked if you wanted to get a little "crazy". You, of course, said "yes" so we brought Carter in and you were just being pulled behind the boat while Kevin zigged and zagged all over the lake. That lake is huge by the way-I think it was Wampler's Lake. You did pretty well, although he flipped you a few times. That was great to watch as well. Even though I always felt bad that we couldn't provide you with a lake house like the Aulisas' and weekend lake life, it was nice to enjoy that with you. I will be forever grateful for that day.
Another big one is the trip to Disney. I promised that I would get you there before you graduated and this was the last chance! We still weren't doing great, money-wise, but found out that Grandma Joonie's cousin Jane was trying to give away Disney Vacation Club points that she couldn't use because of her husband's ailing physical condition. At the time, I didn't even know what that meant other than she had a condo or something that we could use for a trip down there. I didn't even know if we would have to pay her or what, but when I started looking into the trip, I asked Grandma Joonie to ask Jane about it. Jane said she had a lot of built-up points she couldn't use, so I got in touch with her.
How this worked is Jane has been a Disney Vacation Club member for some time and once you make a large down payment and make annual payments, it's like you own a little bit of property in Disney resorts. Every year, you are allotted points that you can use towards renting an available spot in any of the Disney resorts. We found out later that it takes about 3 years of saving up points to pay for a few nights in a Disney resort. It's just a way for families to save up and stay in nice places on their Disney trips.
Through contact with Jane, we were able to book 3 or 4 nights in an amazing Disney resort, the best part-it was for free! Jane was mostly interested in using up the points so they weren't wasted. Once we set that up for the week of Spring Break (we didn't even realize how nice the room was going to be), we heard from Taryn that she could get free Disney passes for us through ABC. We told her how many we needed and she got to work. Even though she didn't work for ABC anymore, she still had lots of friends who worked there and her boyfriend Buddy works there too. We didn't even know what to expect, but she got us SEVEN free passes! We decided to spend two days at the parks, so we had enough for one day for all of us and then two for a second day. (We decided to leave one day open to do whatever-we ended up being very thankful for that!) The passes from Taryn included the Park Hopper so we planned on going to more than one park that day and then only had to buy three more passes on our own for the second day for Epcot.
I don't have to tell you about the trip-you were there! It was amazing wasn't it? Just being in Florida in March/April was wonderful. The drive was a bear but it was our only choice because plane tickets were so expensive. God MADE that trip happen! I knew that I would've felt so bad if we hadn't have made it there but especially it would have been a huge regret after your accident. Plus it was the best time ever! It was one of my "happy thoughts" along with your graduation party when I would get upset about things, although I have no idea what I would get upset about back then (probably Dad or money-related). The van made it down there and back which was another blessing. You helped so much with the driving! Thank you for that! Another great thing about that trip is we were able to eat a lot of meals in the room since it had the kitchen, so it saved a lot of money on eating out, even though groceries and pizza were expensive there.
Right now I am remembering a little fight that we had when we got home from our first day at the parks. Everyone was getting on me because I was trying to pack a lot into each day, like how I wanted to go to the Hall of Presidents and nobody else wanted to go. You told me that I was ruining our trip by trying to make us do all these things. I know that you are sorry for that. I'm sorry too. We so never fought. I got upset, but I think I was having my period as well (I know you did NOT want to know that). I didn't want everyone to hate me for taking away from the vacation. I am getting a thought that I was the one who made it possible. (If that's you telling me that, thank you!) It was my greatest pleasure. And we have so many wonderful photos of the trip, thanks to you. Thank you for being faithful in trucking that camera all over the place. Unfortunately, I remember how much of a butt Dad was during that trip. He always is though, so why wouldn't this be different. He probably realized how much I had to do with the trip happening and felt insignificant. I don't know though why people lash out in times like that when they are really just feeling bad on their own insides.Remember how nice the room was? It was nicer than our house, which I know isn't saying much. When we first walked in, it was so great just to look around it at and to think we got to live there for a few days. Yay! I probably could have done a whole separate post on Disney-oh, well.
Another thing I remember happening before your accident is the Toledo Mudhens game you went to with Hope. We were at Summerfest during the day and Grandma Joonie said her neighbor Lois had free tickets to the Toledo Mudhens game that night. I am so glad you and Hope decided to go. I know you had a great time together. She told me how, on the way home, you were both singing a lot of traveling songs. What a special time for both of you, always the best of friends (since HS anyway!)
(DumbDumb FatFat! Hope HATES when I remind her of that!)
Speaking of Summerfest reminds me of how you, Hope and Carter spent some time together at Summerfest. Was it a Friday night? We went somewhere and ended up dropping you guys off up there afterwards. I will have to try to remember where we went before that-maybe just out to eat or something. There are such great pictures and videos of what you guys did up there! (Just checked last year's calendar-we had gone to the Postiffs' for dinner that night, which they were thankful for as well. I think on the way home Carter found out that Nina was up there so you guys all wanted to go. I think she ended up leaving by the time you guys got up there. The date was 8/7).
You also had some extra time with Carter on the Wednesday before your accident (I remembered/realized this later too). I was just checking to see when football equipment pick-up days were for his league and the 19th was the last day. We had plans to go to Sonic that night for dinner after I got out of work (I will write about that too) so I asked if you could run him up there to take care of it. (I think it went til 4 so that saved me from having to leave work early. I miss you being able to help like that!) You, being so nice, said yes. I don't know how that went, but I'm glad you had that one-on-one time with Carter as well.
The night before your accident, we went to Sonic for dinner. We had talked about wanting to go there forever, and I tracked one down in Monroe, which was about 40 minutes away. We were going to try to go on Tuesday night, but you asked if we could go on Wednesday night instead. You still had plans after that (to go to Robby C.'s for the bonfire I think), so we left right after I got out of work. You and Carter were pretty quiet on the way there with your earbuds in. It was cool when we got there how we pulled into the bay and ordered and paid at the "sign". They brought the food out and it was really good. It was funny how uneventful it was. Dad didn't go because he had golf that night. We still wanted to go and I am so glad we did.
I will always remember how when you got back from Robby C.'s, you came into our room to say goodnight. You didn't always do that, as I said in the letter that was read at your eulogy. You did the same to Carter and Hope. THANK GOD FOR THAT! I got to see you one last time. I will always remember your silhouette in the doorway.
In addition to all of this, all summer you were hopping from one friend's house to the next. You spent SO MUCH time with SO MANY people. You would go to one person's house and then end up spending the night at someone else's, etc. I know they were thankful for that and it was a blessing to you as well.
What all of this pointed out to me, is that God arranged for all these things since He knew what was going to happen on August 20, 2015. (Sorry-tearing up. Will have to finish later). God knows what we need before we even need it. He knows the desires of our hearts even when we don't. He gave us those extra-special times with you when we didn't even realize how important they were at the time or would be to us in the future. (I just went back and changed "Rob's" to "Robby C's" and remembered how much fun you guys had making that video together! God did that too!)
I want to elaborate on this, but yesterday I was thinking about Sanctity of Life Sunday since it was yesterday and how God knows that all of those babies are going to die/be aborted on a daily basis. I know they are all going to Heaven, but I don't think God just makes them to go right to Heaven a few months after they are conceived. They die because of sin. God knows they are going to die. He can't stop it or chooses not to. The wages of sin is death. He knows the number of their days too. He knew the number of your days. He knows the number of my days. I don't know where I was going with this.
My point is that this (your death) was inevitable. It was a blow. God knew it would be a blow and He softens the blow how He can. Even though He knows that bad things are going to happen, He uses them in the best way possible for our good and for His glory.
This is a mundane, horrible example but it might have helped in this conclusion I came to. Friday night we had a leak in our bedroom in the basement. At the time, we didn't know how the water was coming in, if it was a foundation issue, an issue with the new gutters or what. This bad thing happened because bad things happen in this world. We found out on Saturday that it was a leak from the outside faucet which we thought was turned off but it was not. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been a crack in the foundation which would have cost thousands of dollars to repair. It could have started earlier than it did when nobody was in the bedroom and a lot more water could've gotten in. It could've been in another area of the basement where we didn't notice it for a while and it caused more damage. Bad things happen in this world. They are not God's fault. They are the fault of a sin-cursed world where things go wrong. God knows these things are going to happen but I think sometimes (probably most times or all times) He softens the blow, especially for His own. He is presented with all of these problems that He is not responsible for, but He orchestrates them anyway for us. He has overcome the world. He helps us and wants the best for us and we have to trust that even if/when we don't feel or see it.
I come back to the possible outcomes of your accident. I thought of it again this Sunday when Mrs. Cartwright told me an unpleasant story of a poop accident that Mr. Cartwright that he had that very morning that she had to clean up. His condition is brain-stem related which was what was damaged in your brain. Do I have to even say any more? How horrible would that be to deal with a 17-year-old not having control over such things? I'm sure it's bad enough for a 70-year-old or however old Mr. Cartwright is. Who wants that? That brings me to questions I have about Mr. Cartwright's condition but God has His reasons and purpose for his life as well.
This has strayed quite far from its original intent, but I just wanted to point out that it's a comfort to know that God knew this was coming and prepared us for it in many ways which we we didn't even understand at the time. God is in control always. Praise His Holy Name!
MLK Day Rant-Part 2
I was thinking about this topic all weekend although I have thought about it before. I came up with the title based on a hymn of the same title. (Former title: My Father Planned It All). As a side note, I remember singing the chorus of this hymn over and over again the ONE time I visited the cemetery and was walking/being pulled by Shiloh all around. The chorus is "I sing through the shade and the sunshine, I trust You whatever befall, I sing for I cannot be silent, My Father planned it all." That was a horrible day, by the way. The cemetery makes it so real. I haven't been back since. I feel like there's no point of it, like that's not where you really are. I have read other posts from other mothers who feel the same, like Chad Carr's mom, Tammi Curtis Carr, who is not sure of her role there.
At first, I thought I would go and clean things up and keep your grave not looking neglected (double negative). I mentioned this to Nance though, and she said she could do that. I guess I don't see the point of even that-who am I to sift through what people have left, etc. That's between them and you. I just didn't want it to look "junky" but it doesn't even matter. I thought that too if people started putting things at the cross at the accident site. As I mentioned before, I didn't want it overrun with stuffed animals that got soggy and nasty from being outside, ugly fake flowers, etc. Once again, though, that's not up to me, I feel. If someone leaves a teddy bear or something, who am I to take it away? That might not happen anyway, because the area is so close to the road and the hill, etc. which is obviously dangerous in a car let alone out of a car, so maybe it will just stay as a cross. Who knows? These things are so silly to even worry about.
The "side note" took over-I will probably need to change the title again because this is not what I wanted to write about it.
At first, I thought I would go and clean things up and keep your grave not looking neglected (double negative). I mentioned this to Nance though, and she said she could do that. I guess I don't see the point of even that-who am I to sift through what people have left, etc. That's between them and you. I just didn't want it to look "junky" but it doesn't even matter. I thought that too if people started putting things at the cross at the accident site. As I mentioned before, I didn't want it overrun with stuffed animals that got soggy and nasty from being outside, ugly fake flowers, etc. Once again, though, that's not up to me, I feel. If someone leaves a teddy bear or something, who am I to take it away? That might not happen anyway, because the area is so close to the road and the hill, etc. which is obviously dangerous in a car let alone out of a car, so maybe it will just stay as a cross. Who knows? These things are so silly to even worry about.
The "side note" took over-I will probably need to change the title again because this is not what I wanted to write about it.
MLK Day Rant
I don't feel like I am ready at this moment to start writing this, but I wanted to set it up for when I am, hopefully later today. This weekend I was thinking of all of the extra-special times we had with you that showed that God knew your accident was coming and he orchestrated extra-special times for us to have with you like Disney, the Mud Hens game with Hope, your graduation party, time at the Bush's lake, dinner at Sonic, etc. (Note to self-please rewrite this intro-just jotting down ideas).
This keeps popping up even though I want to avoid it for some reason. Feeling very restless today and antsy. Dad is bugging me so much with all this money he is just spending everywhere when he doesn't even technically have a job right now and doesn't know for sure when he is going to start. I don't know how he can operate that way, thinking everything is going to work out a certain way or a certain time when he should know that it never happens that way. I just want to hold on to as much money as possible because I don't know how long it needs to last, and he's buying power tools and paying for extra work to be done while Jim across the street is available, etc.
He doesn't realize how lucky he is that I have a good job that I can still function and perform even though he can't right now and that I get that bonus which is helping greatly and recently was able to get health insurance, etc. He takes everything for granted! And then he treats me like crap when I'm the one that is keeping everything together! I don't know how much more strength I have to do all of this. It's one thing to do it, but to get pestered about everything to boot is a little too much.
I pretty much ruined this post. I will change the title and start another one. Sorry! Love you!
This keeps popping up even though I want to avoid it for some reason. Feeling very restless today and antsy. Dad is bugging me so much with all this money he is just spending everywhere when he doesn't even technically have a job right now and doesn't know for sure when he is going to start. I don't know how he can operate that way, thinking everything is going to work out a certain way or a certain time when he should know that it never happens that way. I just want to hold on to as much money as possible because I don't know how long it needs to last, and he's buying power tools and paying for extra work to be done while Jim across the street is available, etc.
He doesn't realize how lucky he is that I have a good job that I can still function and perform even though he can't right now and that I get that bonus which is helping greatly and recently was able to get health insurance, etc. He takes everything for granted! And then he treats me like crap when I'm the one that is keeping everything together! I don't know how much more strength I have to do all of this. It's one thing to do it, but to get pestered about everything to boot is a little too much.
I pretty much ruined this post. I will change the title and start another one. Sorry! Love you!
Friday, January 15, 2016
Unfailing love
This was posted on Susan Brattin's FB page from Proverbs 31 Ministries. The verse it referenced was Isaiah 54:10: "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed yet God's unfailing love for you will not be shaken."
Here are some other thoughts from the post:
When I process things through the tangled places of my heart, often the outcome is, "If God loves me so much, why would He let this happen?"
Instead when I process things through the filter of the absolute assurance of God's love, the outcome is, "God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen."
Lysa TerKeurst, Proverbs 31 Ministries
Here are some other thoughts from the post:
When I process things through the tangled places of my heart, often the outcome is, "If God loves me so much, why would He let this happen?"
Instead when I process things through the filter of the absolute assurance of God's love, the outcome is, "God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen."
Lysa TerKeurst, Proverbs 31 Ministries
Bob Evans last night
Just wanted to share with you a special moment from our dinner out last night with the Postiffs. They wanted to take us out since we were finally able to pay them back the money they loaned us 12 YEARS AGO! Ugh!
Anyway, they were picking us up and I think they wanted us to pick the restaurant, so I chose the new Bob Evans by Meijers (I think they were working on that strip mall before you died). Little did I know what a great choice that would end up to be.
It didn't start out the greatest because when we got there, Rachel Mauck was the greeter. It was nice to see hear and she gushed over us and the Postifffs, but it was a little annoying because she kept coming over to our table and talking about everything, like TMI.
One of the best parts of the night, though, was when we found out our server, Sera Smallish, was a junior at SHS. Dad asked her if she knew Hope and when we told her our last name, she realized that we were your parents. She said she knew you and she prayed for our family every night. She just kept saying how she was so excited to meet us. She also told us she knew Carrie (Carrigan Theisen-your prom date). I asked how she was doing and she said she was at school (Albion) and that she had a boyfriend. I told her to tell Carrie we said hi. (Even though she broke your heart/you were bummed that she didn't want to continue the relationship, I still think of her fondly for being a great prom date to you. I think you had a great time with her. I think of you and her when I listen to Josh Groban's songs "What I Did For Love" and "That's All I Ask of You." I think I alluded to these songs in another post. I also think of you and her when I hear this new song by Taylor Swift called "Wildest Dreams". I think that song was out before your accident. I like it because it talks about "standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset"and "red lips and rosy cheeks" and "he's so tall and handsome as h***". I'm guessing even though she might have liked you, she didn't want to start something up the summer before everyone leaves for college).
Back to Sera, it meant more to me when she told us she prays for us when I found out she is a Christian. She attends Saline Community Church which is in the 5th Corner building right around the corner from us and attends two youth groups per week. When Rachel was at the table, we invited them both to church, so maybe they will come some time. She probably said 5 times how nice it was to meet us. That was all because of you, sweet boy! Love you!
Anyway, they were picking us up and I think they wanted us to pick the restaurant, so I chose the new Bob Evans by Meijers (I think they were working on that strip mall before you died). Little did I know what a great choice that would end up to be.
It didn't start out the greatest because when we got there, Rachel Mauck was the greeter. It was nice to see hear and she gushed over us and the Postifffs, but it was a little annoying because she kept coming over to our table and talking about everything, like TMI.
One of the best parts of the night, though, was when we found out our server, Sera Smallish, was a junior at SHS. Dad asked her if she knew Hope and when we told her our last name, she realized that we were your parents. She said she knew you and she prayed for our family every night. She just kept saying how she was so excited to meet us. She also told us she knew Carrie (Carrigan Theisen-your prom date). I asked how she was doing and she said she was at school (Albion) and that she had a boyfriend. I told her to tell Carrie we said hi. (Even though she broke your heart/you were bummed that she didn't want to continue the relationship, I still think of her fondly for being a great prom date to you. I think you had a great time with her. I think of you and her when I listen to Josh Groban's songs "What I Did For Love" and "That's All I Ask of You." I think I alluded to these songs in another post. I also think of you and her when I hear this new song by Taylor Swift called "Wildest Dreams". I think that song was out before your accident. I like it because it talks about "standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset"and "red lips and rosy cheeks" and "he's so tall and handsome as h***". I'm guessing even though she might have liked you, she didn't want to start something up the summer before everyone leaves for college).
Back to Sera, it meant more to me when she told us she prays for us when I found out she is a Christian. She attends Saline Community Church which is in the 5th Corner building right around the corner from us and attends two youth groups per week. When Rachel was at the table, we invited them both to church, so maybe they will come some time. She probably said 5 times how nice it was to meet us. That was all because of you, sweet boy! Love you!
I'm Free
I just found out that Mrs. Coughlin died today. You and Hope had her for 5th grade and you both LOVED her. Maybe you've seen her up there already. What a lovely thought.
Anyway, someone posted this poem on her Facebook page:
I'm Free
by Shannon Lee Moseley
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God had chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I've now found peace at the end of the day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seems all too brief;
Don't lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and peace to thee,
God wanted me-He set me free.
Anyway, someone posted this poem on her Facebook page:
I'm Free
by Shannon Lee Moseley
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God had chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I've now found peace at the end of the day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seems all too brief;
Don't lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and peace to thee,
God wanted me-He set me free.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
More of God
I just read an article yesterday that was on Facebook from a website called "For Every Mom". It was about a Christian couple who experienced the stillborn birth of their third child. I printed out a copy but I re-read it today and took some notes on it. It was called " Putting a Baby In the Ground Changes You, Especially In Ways You Didn't Expect." The couple's name is Kyle and Jen Porter. Here are some notes and Bible verses from the article:
Charles Spurgeon about suffering: It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by His hand, that my trials were never measured out by Him, nor sent to me by His arrangement of their weight and quantity.
(As I was writing this, I realize the reason why Spurgeon thinks it would be worse if it didn't come from God, is because the suffering would be in vain. At least if we know that God is behind it, He has a purpose and plan behind it and He will help us through it and there is something to be gained from it).
The Lord wasn't surprised when she passed away. (Their baby was a girl, named Kate Noelle)
Psalm 139:16 The Lord has already numbered our days (I will probably look this up and add to later)
She felt like she'd never worshipped like she did at Kate's memorial. She'd never had this much on the table. (This is the mom speaking).
1 Peter 1:6-8 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ
A quote from their pastor, Matt Chandler: "Your life can change with one phone call. You're not exempt."
The thoughts that are going through my head right now are overwhelming but I thank God for them.
Left and came back (I don't know why I feel the need to say this sometimes-just so you know that this wasn't a continuous post)
Another title of this article was "We lost a child, but gained so much more."
Side note: Just found out that David Bowie was saved! I was going to ask you if he was there!
This reminds me of a quote I wrote down, it might be from C.S. Lewis: "God will never ask you to give up something without giving you something better in return." On the little slip of paper I wrote this down on, I added, "Not possible with loss of Hayden to get something better tho." Then, after reading this article yesterday, I added an arrow that said "over" and on the back of the paper really big I wrote, "More of God!" and underlined it several times and added "only thing that could be better!"
This is something that I will have to think about for a while. I know in my head what's right in response to this, but I have to convince my heart. TTYL
More on Psalm 139:16: (NIV) "Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
(NKJV) "Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them."
Another update: I printed out a copy of this article I was referencing and read it out loud to Dad last night. I did that because I showed him a music video that Jaime sent my by Danny Gokey called "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" and in the lyrics it says "'Cause love sees farther than you ever could In this moment heaven's working Everything for your good." When I asked Dad what he thought of the video, he asked me how God taking you could be for my (his) good. I realized (again) at that moment how Dad is in a much different place than I am in this grief journey. I told him what we get out of this is more of God. I also told him that some of that he has to figure out for himself though. When we went to bed, I actually handed him the article to read, but he didn't want to read it because it said it was 16 pages long. I kind of wanted to read it again, so I asked him if I could read it out loud. I don't know if anything sank in, but oh well. At least he heard it, because he wasn't going to read it.
That makes me think of another part of the article that said that suffering like this forces us to test the theory of being a Christian. It's easy to be a Christian when everything is going well or not that bad, but when something like this happens, it shakes everything you believe in down to the core. It makes some say, "Do I still believe in a God that lets this happen?" and "Can God really use something this horrible for good?" He loves us! He loves us so much! His ways are above our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts! He sees the big picture when we are only seeing a tiny part of it. He is faithful and trustworthy. There is a purpose in our pain, THIS pain! We walk by faith, not by sight, and we have to believe that! It seems like I'm just spitting out clichés, (oh, that was cool-autocorrect added that little symbol to the word cliché). God wouldn't put us through this with nothing to gain from it on the other side. We just have to wait and SEE! Love you boy!
Charles Spurgeon about suffering: It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by His hand, that my trials were never measured out by Him, nor sent to me by His arrangement of their weight and quantity.
(As I was writing this, I realize the reason why Spurgeon thinks it would be worse if it didn't come from God, is because the suffering would be in vain. At least if we know that God is behind it, He has a purpose and plan behind it and He will help us through it and there is something to be gained from it).
The Lord wasn't surprised when she passed away. (Their baby was a girl, named Kate Noelle)
Psalm 139:16 The Lord has already numbered our days (I will probably look this up and add to later)
She felt like she'd never worshipped like she did at Kate's memorial. She'd never had this much on the table. (This is the mom speaking).
1 Peter 1:6-8 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ
A quote from their pastor, Matt Chandler: "Your life can change with one phone call. You're not exempt."
The thoughts that are going through my head right now are overwhelming but I thank God for them.
Left and came back (I don't know why I feel the need to say this sometimes-just so you know that this wasn't a continuous post)
Another title of this article was "We lost a child, but gained so much more."
Side note: Just found out that David Bowie was saved! I was going to ask you if he was there!
This reminds me of a quote I wrote down, it might be from C.S. Lewis: "God will never ask you to give up something without giving you something better in return." On the little slip of paper I wrote this down on, I added, "Not possible with loss of Hayden to get something better tho." Then, after reading this article yesterday, I added an arrow that said "over" and on the back of the paper really big I wrote, "More of God!" and underlined it several times and added "only thing that could be better!"
This is something that I will have to think about for a while. I know in my head what's right in response to this, but I have to convince my heart. TTYL
More on Psalm 139:16: (NIV) "Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
(NKJV) "Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them."
Another update: I printed out a copy of this article I was referencing and read it out loud to Dad last night. I did that because I showed him a music video that Jaime sent my by Danny Gokey called "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" and in the lyrics it says "'Cause love sees farther than you ever could In this moment heaven's working Everything for your good." When I asked Dad what he thought of the video, he asked me how God taking you could be for my (his) good. I realized (again) at that moment how Dad is in a much different place than I am in this grief journey. I told him what we get out of this is more of God. I also told him that some of that he has to figure out for himself though. When we went to bed, I actually handed him the article to read, but he didn't want to read it because it said it was 16 pages long. I kind of wanted to read it again, so I asked him if I could read it out loud. I don't know if anything sank in, but oh well. At least he heard it, because he wasn't going to read it.
That makes me think of another part of the article that said that suffering like this forces us to test the theory of being a Christian. It's easy to be a Christian when everything is going well or not that bad, but when something like this happens, it shakes everything you believe in down to the core. It makes some say, "Do I still believe in a God that lets this happen?" and "Can God really use something this horrible for good?" He loves us! He loves us so much! His ways are above our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts! He sees the big picture when we are only seeing a tiny part of it. He is faithful and trustworthy. There is a purpose in our pain, THIS pain! We walk by faith, not by sight, and we have to believe that! It seems like I'm just spitting out clichés, (oh, that was cool-autocorrect added that little symbol to the word cliché). God wouldn't put us through this with nothing to gain from it on the other side. We just have to wait and SEE! Love you boy!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
The accident is what changed everything
This thought came to me today after I was coming back from the dump (for lack of a better word) to rid myself of some 25-year-old textbooks. I think this has been formulating in my head in bits and pieces for a while but it came very clear right before I turned into Burger King for a quick bite. I had to suppress the urge to think about it too much to save me tears for after getting through the drive-thru. (I am setting the stage for how mundane of a time it was).
All this time I have been comparing your death to when you were alive-like there was your life and your death for the choices, like holding one in each hand. I don't want to jump right into it, but that's not what the options were-your life the way it was or your death. There was something major in between-the accident. I know that's obvious, but THAT is what changed everything.
I have said in other posts that there could have been so many outcomes of the accident-almost innumerable outcomes. If you lived-brain damage (innumerable outcomes in and of itself) broken legs (maybe never to walk again), something we just found out about-your eyes weren't able to be used to donate, so vision problems or blindness for you, whatever spleen issue you had, if you seriously injured or killed the other driver, if you were charged with some sort of crime, etc. Innumerable outcomes. An infinity of possible outcomes. The only outcome that wasn't even a possibility was your life and our life going back to the way it was before the accident. That wasn't an option. The accident took that away from us, not your death. Your death was a result of the accident but the accident was the life-changer.
Of course, we can think, if only there hadn't been the accident. Of course, we wish that! But it happened, and there is no way around it or out of it. These things happen for some reason-imperfect humans who make mistakes, odd and unknown circumstances. Things that could've been avoided and things that couldn't have. Things that can't be undone. We will never know on this side of Heaven. Maybe we won't care to know ON the side of Heaven, because we will be so happy already and it won't even matter anymore! People can speculate all they want (and I wish they would stop!), but no one has the real answer. I think everyone realizes how important it is to drive carefully, etc. so that is something that can help others from this circumstance, among another infinity of results.
YOU were GONE the minute your car hit that truck. You as we knew and loved you, were GONE! There was the shell of you lying there in the hospital room, but all of the wonderful things that made you YOU were gone. Once that's gone, you can't get it back. You can maybe get part of it back or what looks like you, but the BEST part of YOU was gone. That was one of the innumerable outcomes of this horrible accident and probably the most painless (no, that isn't a typo) for everyone in the long run. Painless is a relative term because it is extremely painFUL, but any more suffering for you would have been worse. Suffering for everyone, to see you suffer and to be a fraction of all that you were.
Coming back later to finish this: For some reason, this perspective has lifted a weight off of my soul. I don't know how long it will make me feel better, but I will take it for as long as it does! I shared this thought with the kids and with Dad. Dad pretty much ignored it as everything else I say, but the kids understood. I shared it with Jill too and I will probably tell Nance when I see her tomorrow night and maybe Jeanette Brenner. It helps to make your death make sense at the most very basic level: you were in a car accident. You got a brain injury. You died from the brain injury. Now to make it "make sense" on a larger level, that's a whole other story. But any little bit helps. I will take it! Love you SO MUCH!
All this time I have been comparing your death to when you were alive-like there was your life and your death for the choices, like holding one in each hand. I don't want to jump right into it, but that's not what the options were-your life the way it was or your death. There was something major in between-the accident. I know that's obvious, but THAT is what changed everything.
I have said in other posts that there could have been so many outcomes of the accident-almost innumerable outcomes. If you lived-brain damage (innumerable outcomes in and of itself) broken legs (maybe never to walk again), something we just found out about-your eyes weren't able to be used to donate, so vision problems or blindness for you, whatever spleen issue you had, if you seriously injured or killed the other driver, if you were charged with some sort of crime, etc. Innumerable outcomes. An infinity of possible outcomes. The only outcome that wasn't even a possibility was your life and our life going back to the way it was before the accident. That wasn't an option. The accident took that away from us, not your death. Your death was a result of the accident but the accident was the life-changer.
Of course, we can think, if only there hadn't been the accident. Of course, we wish that! But it happened, and there is no way around it or out of it. These things happen for some reason-imperfect humans who make mistakes, odd and unknown circumstances. Things that could've been avoided and things that couldn't have. Things that can't be undone. We will never know on this side of Heaven. Maybe we won't care to know ON the side of Heaven, because we will be so happy already and it won't even matter anymore! People can speculate all they want (and I wish they would stop!), but no one has the real answer. I think everyone realizes how important it is to drive carefully, etc. so that is something that can help others from this circumstance, among another infinity of results.
YOU were GONE the minute your car hit that truck. You as we knew and loved you, were GONE! There was the shell of you lying there in the hospital room, but all of the wonderful things that made you YOU were gone. Once that's gone, you can't get it back. You can maybe get part of it back or what looks like you, but the BEST part of YOU was gone. That was one of the innumerable outcomes of this horrible accident and probably the most painless (no, that isn't a typo) for everyone in the long run. Painless is a relative term because it is extremely painFUL, but any more suffering for you would have been worse. Suffering for everyone, to see you suffer and to be a fraction of all that you were.
Coming back later to finish this: For some reason, this perspective has lifted a weight off of my soul. I don't know how long it will make me feel better, but I will take it for as long as it does! I shared this thought with the kids and with Dad. Dad pretty much ignored it as everything else I say, but the kids understood. I shared it with Jill too and I will probably tell Nance when I see her tomorrow night and maybe Jeanette Brenner. It helps to make your death make sense at the most very basic level: you were in a car accident. You got a brain injury. You died from the brain injury. Now to make it "make sense" on a larger level, that's a whole other story. But any little bit helps. I will take it! Love you SO MUCH!
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Don't have a topic-just wanted to connect
It's cold and snowy out-I bet you don't miss winter! Dad has been on my case lately because he says I'm getting "mean" again and he wonders why. I wish he would just leave me alone. I'm stressing out a little because of his new job which he actually doesn't have yet, his decision to start drinking alcohol in our home which he sees nothing wrong with, making the money that we have last until he starts working again, etc.
The good news is we are finally going to get the living/dining/kitchen area drywall fixed and painted. That will be really nice. I'm sorry it always looked so crappy when you lived there. I know you didn't even care though because that's how you are. I am so glad we decided to get your room painted first before everything else so you could enjoy it while you were here. I will never regret that decision even though Dad would always question why you and Hope's rooms were chosen first. Turd.
At least the sun is out. I am also stressing because I have to prep the rooms for painting as far as cleaning out stuff and then dealing with how the kitchen is going to be. Dad is taking down the cabinets on the wall (the ones we would always bump our heads on the doors of) so the drywall/painter guy can paint the whole ceiling and paint the walls to match everything else. It's going to be a pain but the guy says it's only going to take 6 days, so that's not too bad. We have had so many bad experiences with work done in the house, so hopefully this guy is legit. He gave us an amazing price too-$2500 for everything. Someone else quoted us $2100 for only painting. Now the fun part is telling the first guy that we are not going to use him. We did tell him that our main concern was getting the walls properly prepped and he referred us to a drywall place who never answered the phone or returned a message. Oh, well-that's how it goes sometimes. He's kind of been jerky anyway.
I keep thinking I want to reach out to Susie Fay, the lady who was at the scene of your accident, but then I'm not so sure. Part of me wants to know some more details of that day but it might be really hard to hear. I am glad she was there with you during that time. Maybe you can let me know what you think about this.
I passed the accident scene on Saturday when I was taking Carter and Blaise to see "Star Wars". Someone put one of those white wooden crosses (like the one in our yard) by the traffic sign near that turn-off, right before the hill. I thought it was very nice. I found out later that it was Sarah, Allie and Justin who did it just a week or so ago. When I told Grandma Joonie, she said she thought I said I didn't want anything there. It's not really up to me though. Same with your gravesite I guess and the stuff that people leave there. That's between them and you-I shouldn't interfere. My only concern with the marker at the scene is that I didn't want it to turn into something with soggy stuffed animals, fake tacky flowers, etc. It doesn't matter though. People love you so much, Hayden. They need to be able to express that love to you in whatever way they want.
I'm doing ok today. That could change in an hour or even a minute though. Did you hear I went to an exercise class? I tried that RydeOn place behind Saline Inn and Dairy Queen where they do studio cycling. I have been wanting to start some kind of exercise program for a while and it's also supposed to help with grief to relieve stress and to try something new. It went fine. I'm going again tomorrow night and Saturday. I think you would be proud of me. Hope is. I'm proud of me too. It's funny-when I signed up I was more afraid of chickening out than actually going to the class. And it was fine-you can go at your own pace and no one cares (for now at least). When I was walking in, Cindy Barnett was coming out and then Dawn Rudnik was in my class. Gotta love those water polo moms!
I guess that's it for now-not too exciting but it's nice to share just regular things with you instead of composing some insightful, thoughtful statement about God, life or death. Not that the other posts are that great, but this is nice too. Love you so much! Thank you for being you, wonderful you!
The good news is we are finally going to get the living/dining/kitchen area drywall fixed and painted. That will be really nice. I'm sorry it always looked so crappy when you lived there. I know you didn't even care though because that's how you are. I am so glad we decided to get your room painted first before everything else so you could enjoy it while you were here. I will never regret that decision even though Dad would always question why you and Hope's rooms were chosen first. Turd.
At least the sun is out. I am also stressing because I have to prep the rooms for painting as far as cleaning out stuff and then dealing with how the kitchen is going to be. Dad is taking down the cabinets on the wall (the ones we would always bump our heads on the doors of) so the drywall/painter guy can paint the whole ceiling and paint the walls to match everything else. It's going to be a pain but the guy says it's only going to take 6 days, so that's not too bad. We have had so many bad experiences with work done in the house, so hopefully this guy is legit. He gave us an amazing price too-$2500 for everything. Someone else quoted us $2100 for only painting. Now the fun part is telling the first guy that we are not going to use him. We did tell him that our main concern was getting the walls properly prepped and he referred us to a drywall place who never answered the phone or returned a message. Oh, well-that's how it goes sometimes. He's kind of been jerky anyway.
I keep thinking I want to reach out to Susie Fay, the lady who was at the scene of your accident, but then I'm not so sure. Part of me wants to know some more details of that day but it might be really hard to hear. I am glad she was there with you during that time. Maybe you can let me know what you think about this.
I passed the accident scene on Saturday when I was taking Carter and Blaise to see "Star Wars". Someone put one of those white wooden crosses (like the one in our yard) by the traffic sign near that turn-off, right before the hill. I thought it was very nice. I found out later that it was Sarah, Allie and Justin who did it just a week or so ago. When I told Grandma Joonie, she said she thought I said I didn't want anything there. It's not really up to me though. Same with your gravesite I guess and the stuff that people leave there. That's between them and you-I shouldn't interfere. My only concern with the marker at the scene is that I didn't want it to turn into something with soggy stuffed animals, fake tacky flowers, etc. It doesn't matter though. People love you so much, Hayden. They need to be able to express that love to you in whatever way they want.
I'm doing ok today. That could change in an hour or even a minute though. Did you hear I went to an exercise class? I tried that RydeOn place behind Saline Inn and Dairy Queen where they do studio cycling. I have been wanting to start some kind of exercise program for a while and it's also supposed to help with grief to relieve stress and to try something new. It went fine. I'm going again tomorrow night and Saturday. I think you would be proud of me. Hope is. I'm proud of me too. It's funny-when I signed up I was more afraid of chickening out than actually going to the class. And it was fine-you can go at your own pace and no one cares (for now at least). When I was walking in, Cindy Barnett was coming out and then Dawn Rudnik was in my class. Gotta love those water polo moms!
I guess that's it for now-not too exciting but it's nice to share just regular things with you instead of composing some insightful, thoughtful statement about God, life or death. Not that the other posts are that great, but this is nice too. Love you so much! Thank you for being you, wonderful you!
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Don't let death ruin your life
I just finished another amazing book that I borrowed from Ele's Place. I've been ripping through books from there like crazy. They have a little book cart that you can check out books from, and many of them I have found have been extremely God-centered and spiritual to my surprise.
Anyway, I just finished a book called, "Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Happiness After the Death of a Loved One" by Jill Brooke. (I am using your laptop to write this and it's ANNOYING! Sorry-it has a mind of its own. I know you always had a problem with the space bar).
Anyway again, one chapter that stood out to me was early on in the book. It said (this is extremely paraphrased) to think of a picture of someone who is alive. Compare that to the image of the person who died. Does the lost loved one seem far away or faded somewhat? Bring the lost loved one into the foreground of the picture. Imagine them with vibrant colors and very close to you, like how it was when they were alive. The reason for this was to make that person feel closer to you.
What happened to me soon after I did this was I remembered what it was like to have you here and not be sad about it. Since August 20th, every time I thought of that, it made me sad because of how much I missed it. For the first time I thought of how it was when you were here and being happy about it. It reminded me of what "normal" was before the accident and it was AMAZING! It felt so familiar yet I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling because it just hurt to think of it before.
Side note: I will work on this more later-I just didn't want to forget this thought. Love you!
Anyway, I just finished a book called, "Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Happiness After the Death of a Loved One" by Jill Brooke. (I am using your laptop to write this and it's ANNOYING! Sorry-it has a mind of its own. I know you always had a problem with the space bar).
Anyway again, one chapter that stood out to me was early on in the book. It said (this is extremely paraphrased) to think of a picture of someone who is alive. Compare that to the image of the person who died. Does the lost loved one seem far away or faded somewhat? Bring the lost loved one into the foreground of the picture. Imagine them with vibrant colors and very close to you, like how it was when they were alive. The reason for this was to make that person feel closer to you.
What happened to me soon after I did this was I remembered what it was like to have you here and not be sad about it. Since August 20th, every time I thought of that, it made me sad because of how much I missed it. For the first time I thought of how it was when you were here and being happy about it. It reminded me of what "normal" was before the accident and it was AMAZING! It felt so familiar yet I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling because it just hurt to think of it before.
Side note: I will work on this more later-I just didn't want to forget this thought. Love you!
Friday, January 8, 2016
Jake's trip to Haiti
Jake got back from his Haiti trip the other day and he absolutely LOVED it! He stopped by to see the kids after school and told them he wants to go again in the spring and every year thereafter! He said there was one night when he, Jen Den and Mrs. Trainor were all talking about you and he was crying (and probably them too). He got some great pictures too. I know you would've gotten better pictures if you had your nice camera along last year. Your camera phone pictures were amazing in themselves.
Dad got a FB message from Heather Banet who went on the trip, thanking him/us for paying for Jake to go on the trip. She was gushing about how amazing Jake is and how they got to know more about you and how amazing you are through him. (We paid for Jake's trip in your memory. Since he decided to go on the trip last minute, we wanted to make it easier on him and his family to not have to worry about raising the money). Anyway, she said that your presence was definitely felt on the whole trip and there was even a student named "Kaden" that they kept calling "Hayden." I wish I could access her exact words because when Dad was reading them, it made me cry. I know you were there with Jake and the group. I am so glad you went on that trip last year.
I will probably write more about this after we hear from Jake ourselves. Love you so much and so proud of you EVERY DAY!
Dad got a FB message from Heather Banet who went on the trip, thanking him/us for paying for Jake to go on the trip. She was gushing about how amazing Jake is and how they got to know more about you and how amazing you are through him. (We paid for Jake's trip in your memory. Since he decided to go on the trip last minute, we wanted to make it easier on him and his family to not have to worry about raising the money). Anyway, she said that your presence was definitely felt on the whole trip and there was even a student named "Kaden" that they kept calling "Hayden." I wish I could access her exact words because when Dad was reading them, it made me cry. I know you were there with Jake and the group. I am so glad you went on that trip last year.
I will probably write more about this after we hear from Jake ourselves. Love you so much and so proud of you EVERY DAY!
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Every so often
This was on Bekah Kargel's FB page. Her husband was Andy Kargel, Jordan's friend who was killed in the snowmobile accident:
Every so often your loved ones will open the door from Heaven, and visit you in a Dream. Just to say "Hello" and to remind you that they are still with you, just in a different way...
(Capitalizations and punctuation copied from how post had them)
I love me my Hayden dreams! (I don't even know why, but I HAD to say that!)
Every so often your loved ones will open the door from Heaven, and visit you in a Dream. Just to say "Hello" and to remind you that they are still with you, just in a different way...
(Capitalizations and punctuation copied from how post had them)
I love me my Hayden dreams! (I don't even know why, but I HAD to say that!)
Your eyes
Dad was trying to get information from Eversight about if anyone received your eyes or corneas from the organ donation (related to Gift of Life but separate organization since not a vital organ). He ended up stopping by the facility and they had some information on your case.
Unfortunately, they were not able to use your eyes to give anyone the gift of sight.There was an infection in them from some debris that got in them from the accident and they weren't properly cleaned out like they should have been to prevent infection. I guess their main goal was preserving the life-giving organs. Also, the way the rest of your body was, the white blood cells weren't there to help like they should be or there were too many of them (science was never my strong suit-you know how that is-remember Honors Science freshman year?)
Anyway, your eyes were able to be used for research. It probably would have been weird to see your eyes in another person. It's different with the other organs because someone can tell you that they have your heart, for example, but you're not going to see it. Of course, I would have loved for someone to be able to see who couldn't before, but that's just not the way things turned out.
As for the research part of things, Eversight goes back to the hospital and tells them their findings, like maybe telling them to clean other people's eyes out better so they can be used by someone else. I'm not mad at anyone about it though. In the words of Forrest Gump which was just on the other day, "That's all I have to say about that."
Side note: I just had another thought about this as I was telling Jill this story. If your eyes couldn't be used for someone else, maybe they wouldn't have been ok even for you to use if you lived through the accident. Maybe more would have been done to save them, but their main priority was your vital organs at the time. How horrible would that be if you lost your sight? Wow-I can't believe that didn't occur to me until now. Praise God's Holy Name!
Unfortunately, they were not able to use your eyes to give anyone the gift of sight.There was an infection in them from some debris that got in them from the accident and they weren't properly cleaned out like they should have been to prevent infection. I guess their main goal was preserving the life-giving organs. Also, the way the rest of your body was, the white blood cells weren't there to help like they should be or there were too many of them (science was never my strong suit-you know how that is-remember Honors Science freshman year?)
Anyway, your eyes were able to be used for research. It probably would have been weird to see your eyes in another person. It's different with the other organs because someone can tell you that they have your heart, for example, but you're not going to see it. Of course, I would have loved for someone to be able to see who couldn't before, but that's just not the way things turned out.
As for the research part of things, Eversight goes back to the hospital and tells them their findings, like maybe telling them to clean other people's eyes out better so they can be used by someone else. I'm not mad at anyone about it though. In the words of Forrest Gump which was just on the other day, "That's all I have to say about that."
Side note: I just had another thought about this as I was telling Jill this story. If your eyes couldn't be used for someone else, maybe they wouldn't have been ok even for you to use if you lived through the accident. Maybe more would have been done to save them, but their main priority was your vital organs at the time. How horrible would that be if you lost your sight? Wow-I can't believe that didn't occur to me until now. Praise God's Holy Name!
Elizabeth Edwards
If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you are reminding them of is that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Hayden Dream #4
I just wanted to record another dream about you I had the other night. It was a very small part of my dream but we were like at a hotel pool or something and you were there. We knew we had limited time with you (as I think all of the dreams that you are in, time has been a factor).
By the way, I don't want to flippantly say "another Hayden dream" because I treasure each and every one and consider it a gift. I also usually have to remind myself of this in the dream that my time with you is not like it was before. That it can be taken away at any time, which is actually true here on earth.
That was about it for the dream. I guess we were going to swim or something. Love you!
Side note: I noticed that I titled another post "Another Hayden Dream" so I changed this one. The stuff I said about that phrase still applies though!
By the way, I don't want to flippantly say "another Hayden dream" because I treasure each and every one and consider it a gift. I also usually have to remind myself of this in the dream that my time with you is not like it was before. That it can be taken away at any time, which is actually true here on earth.
That was about it for the dream. I guess we were going to swim or something. Love you!
Side note: I noticed that I titled another post "Another Hayden Dream" so I changed this one. The stuff I said about that phrase still applies though!
For we walk by faith, not by sight
This is related to a previous post in which I was looking at this phrase, or command really, from two ways. (The previous post I am referring to is the side note from the Hayden Dream-New Year's Day 2016). The first way is we have to trust in God WITHOUT seeing everything with our own eyes. I was also looking at it as trusting God DESPITE the things we have seen with our own eyes.
Here's something else to think about: "Though you slay me, I will trust in you." Job 13:15. Slay means to kill in a violent way. My kid was killed. That's just like or worse than someone killing me. No, it's worse than killing me.
Who killed you? Did you kill yourself since the accident was your fault? Did the driver of the truck kill you? Did Satan kill you? Did God kill you? Did sin kill you? Did God allow Satan to kill you?
God allowed your death. God allowed your birth. Our times are in His hands and no one can be born or die without God allowing it, right? (Of course, in my finite mind, I cannot understand how suicide and murder fit into this belief). Can anyone leave this earth without God having a hand in it? I have been told no.
Here is the definition of allow: "admit (an event or activity) as legal or acceptable; give the necessary time or opportunity for." One translation that comes to my mind is "make possible." Ironically (but not at the same time) in Sunday School class, the first few weeks of this quarter's lesson was the story of Job which I can't help thinking of anyway in relation to the word "allow" when I know that God allowed Satan to do all of those things to Job. Satan couldn't do them without God's, for lack of a better word, "ok." The reason why God allowed all of those horrible things to be done to Job is to test Job's faith. Satan insisted that the only reason why Job loved God is because all he had received from God's hand was good. Satan said that if God gave bad things to Job, that Job would curse him. Not to give the devil any credit, but a valid argument. God chose to test this theory on Job. God knew how it would turn out. He had to show Satan though. God didn't owe Satan an explanation of anything. Satan wasn't going to be converted through this demonstration. It was recorded for our benefit though in His Word so we could learn that whatever comes from the hand of God does not determine how much He loves or doesn't love. It's unrelated. God loves us. That is a truth. He loves us even if we don't love Him. Not only did He create us in the first place, He gave us His Only Son to die in our place to save us from our sins. He did this even though He knew people wouldn't care or be saved. But He gave us all the opportunity. What a mighty and loving God we serve!
I'm not sure where I am headed with this post since it's been a few days, but the "slay" verse prompted me to re-watch a music video that was sent to us on Facebook by Becky Monty which is called "Though you slay me" I believe. The song is good, but part-way through the song there is some powerful preaching about all kinds of things, but something that stood out was when they were saying,when your kid dies,...it is not meaningless! It is working an eternal weight of glory! (The video had the words at the bottom of the screen which was helpful). I am not even touching on how powerful these words were on the video because the preacher is almost screaming them and the music is playing in the background. I can't watch it without tears streaming down my face. Anyway, I know that God used your death for a purpose. He used your life for a purpose too. Like he uses all of ours if we let Him or sometimes if we don't let Him. To re-quote something from ChadTough, "Everything is always, always about God." Praise His Holy Name!
Addendum: I finished this up but remembered where I was going with this. I want to keep it under the same post because it's more thoughts on the "Walk by faith, not by sight" title. The things that are seen are temporal-you in the hospital, you in the box, you in the cemetery. To the world that looks like the end. To most people, it looks like the end. But we have the promises of God that tells us that He is coming back for the living and the dead, and the dead in Christ shall rise first! He also says that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, another thing we cannot see right now. You (which is not your body) are in the presence of the Lord right now and have been since August 20, 2015 when you left this earth. (That is why I still feel you-like you're not that far away and that you're not really gone-praise God for that!) We can't see it, but we know it because we believe that it is so and the Bible tells us that. The things we can't see are the things that are permanent and true and going to happen. That is where faith comes in. I am going to look up the definition of faith-be right back.
Ok-I'm back. Definition of faith (I like #2 better): 1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something 2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension (had to look that up too-understanding or grasp) rather than proof.
The earth says, you have no pulse, you have no brain activity, you are dead. That is the earthly proof to pronounce you dead. That your body or shell or tent is no longer alive. You and we are more than that. We are our soul and spirit and that is what lives on, with plans to be reunited with our bodies on the day the Lord returns for His own. Faith believes in God based on spiritual understanding rather than proof. 2 Corinthians 4:17, 18 says: "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things that are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
Referring back to that song above, this millisecond of pain will pale in comparison to an eternal weight of glory. Even if I live and miss you for 40-50 years, (I so don't want to live that much longer!) what is that compared to how long eternity is? A millisecond! Nothing! Unfortunately I can't see that now and it hurts SO BAD-even a millisecond without you is too long! But that is what God decided. I have to trust Him and love Him even more than I love you, which is hard to fathom. Not that He is unworthy to love, but I can't imagine loving anyone more than you and Hope and Carter! He knows what is best for us. You have the best right now. Safe from this world and its cares, dangers and suffering. You are absolutely fine. What more could a parent ask for their child? I'm just selfish because I want to be with you again too. You are here, but just in a different way. It won't be long, sweet boy, before we are together again. I can't wait for that day! Love you so much!
Related verse on my daily verse calendar for 1/8/2016: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1
Here's something else to think about: "Though you slay me, I will trust in you." Job 13:15. Slay means to kill in a violent way. My kid was killed. That's just like or worse than someone killing me. No, it's worse than killing me.
Who killed you? Did you kill yourself since the accident was your fault? Did the driver of the truck kill you? Did Satan kill you? Did God kill you? Did sin kill you? Did God allow Satan to kill you?
God allowed your death. God allowed your birth. Our times are in His hands and no one can be born or die without God allowing it, right? (Of course, in my finite mind, I cannot understand how suicide and murder fit into this belief). Can anyone leave this earth without God having a hand in it? I have been told no.
Here is the definition of allow: "admit (an event or activity) as legal or acceptable; give the necessary time or opportunity for." One translation that comes to my mind is "make possible." Ironically (but not at the same time) in Sunday School class, the first few weeks of this quarter's lesson was the story of Job which I can't help thinking of anyway in relation to the word "allow" when I know that God allowed Satan to do all of those things to Job. Satan couldn't do them without God's, for lack of a better word, "ok." The reason why God allowed all of those horrible things to be done to Job is to test Job's faith. Satan insisted that the only reason why Job loved God is because all he had received from God's hand was good. Satan said that if God gave bad things to Job, that Job would curse him. Not to give the devil any credit, but a valid argument. God chose to test this theory on Job. God knew how it would turn out. He had to show Satan though. God didn't owe Satan an explanation of anything. Satan wasn't going to be converted through this demonstration. It was recorded for our benefit though in His Word so we could learn that whatever comes from the hand of God does not determine how much He loves or doesn't love. It's unrelated. God loves us. That is a truth. He loves us even if we don't love Him. Not only did He create us in the first place, He gave us His Only Son to die in our place to save us from our sins. He did this even though He knew people wouldn't care or be saved. But He gave us all the opportunity. What a mighty and loving God we serve!
I'm not sure where I am headed with this post since it's been a few days, but the "slay" verse prompted me to re-watch a music video that was sent to us on Facebook by Becky Monty which is called "Though you slay me" I believe. The song is good, but part-way through the song there is some powerful preaching about all kinds of things, but something that stood out was when they were saying,when your kid dies,...it is not meaningless! It is working an eternal weight of glory! (The video had the words at the bottom of the screen which was helpful). I am not even touching on how powerful these words were on the video because the preacher is almost screaming them and the music is playing in the background. I can't watch it without tears streaming down my face. Anyway, I know that God used your death for a purpose. He used your life for a purpose too. Like he uses all of ours if we let Him or sometimes if we don't let Him. To re-quote something from ChadTough, "Everything is always, always about God." Praise His Holy Name!
Addendum: I finished this up but remembered where I was going with this. I want to keep it under the same post because it's more thoughts on the "Walk by faith, not by sight" title. The things that are seen are temporal-you in the hospital, you in the box, you in the cemetery. To the world that looks like the end. To most people, it looks like the end. But we have the promises of God that tells us that He is coming back for the living and the dead, and the dead in Christ shall rise first! He also says that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, another thing we cannot see right now. You (which is not your body) are in the presence of the Lord right now and have been since August 20, 2015 when you left this earth. (That is why I still feel you-like you're not that far away and that you're not really gone-praise God for that!) We can't see it, but we know it because we believe that it is so and the Bible tells us that. The things we can't see are the things that are permanent and true and going to happen. That is where faith comes in. I am going to look up the definition of faith-be right back.
Ok-I'm back. Definition of faith (I like #2 better): 1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something 2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension (had to look that up too-understanding or grasp) rather than proof.
The earth says, you have no pulse, you have no brain activity, you are dead. That is the earthly proof to pronounce you dead. That your body or shell or tent is no longer alive. You and we are more than that. We are our soul and spirit and that is what lives on, with plans to be reunited with our bodies on the day the Lord returns for His own. Faith believes in God based on spiritual understanding rather than proof. 2 Corinthians 4:17, 18 says: "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things that are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
Referring back to that song above, this millisecond of pain will pale in comparison to an eternal weight of glory. Even if I live and miss you for 40-50 years, (I so don't want to live that much longer!) what is that compared to how long eternity is? A millisecond! Nothing! Unfortunately I can't see that now and it hurts SO BAD-even a millisecond without you is too long! But that is what God decided. I have to trust Him and love Him even more than I love you, which is hard to fathom. Not that He is unworthy to love, but I can't imagine loving anyone more than you and Hope and Carter! He knows what is best for us. You have the best right now. Safe from this world and its cares, dangers and suffering. You are absolutely fine. What more could a parent ask for their child? I'm just selfish because I want to be with you again too. You are here, but just in a different way. It won't be long, sweet boy, before we are together again. I can't wait for that day! Love you so much!
Related verse on my daily verse calendar for 1/8/2016: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1
1 Day
There was something on Facebook the other day about a 31-year old man named Matthew DeRemer who was killed by a drunk driver on New Year's Eve while he was riding his motorcycle. He seemed like an amazing man (a believer also), but the reason why it was so publicized is because of what he posted on his Facebook page hours before his accident: "We are born in 1 day. We die in 1 day. We can change in 1 day. And we can fall in love in 1 day. Anything can happen in just 1 day."
That's not even why I am posting this. I am posting this because in one of the articles about him that quoted many of his friends, one of his friends named Wayne Gutierrez said, "He touched a lot of lives. Sometimes those are the ones that get chosen first."
That's not even why I am posting this. I am posting this because in one of the articles about him that quoted many of his friends, one of his friends named Wayne Gutierrez said, "He touched a lot of lives. Sometimes those are the ones that get chosen first."
Friday, January 1, 2016
Hayden dream-New Year's Day 2016
I call this a dream from New Year's Day because it was the morning of New Year's Day when I had it. Anyway, you were at the end of my dream and you were in the kitchen leaning against the "other" side of the counter. I am calling it the other side because you never leaned against that side before, like the side closest to the table.
You were standing there with jeans on and and no shirt, like you just got out of the shower. I think your hair was wet and it was combed nicely. I was looking at you in my dream and it seemed so normal, but then I had to remind myself that this was no longer a "normal" occurrence, for me to see you just standing in the kitchen and that I should take note and appreciate it. (More than appreciate but not quite treasure at the time during the dream. I just added that because appreciate didn't seem like the right word). I remember noticing your fingernails were kind of long, like they needed to be trimmed-I could see the whites of your nails. I don't know if that's significant because I know you used to bite your nails but I thought you stopped way before you died.
It seemed like we were in the middle of a conversation and you said, "I don't want to go to jail." I said, "You're not going to jail." I was going to add, "...because you're dead" but I didn't. You said it again (you weren't upset or stressed out about it though, you were just stating that) and I think I was going to tell you why you weren't going to jail and then I woke up.
It made me think that in the other dreams I have had of you, you don't seem to know that you are dead but we do. That's an interesting observation. I will have to think about that one.
Side note: I don't want to make this a whole other post, but I feel like it's been harder for me to deal with your death lately. I don't know if it's because our routine is all out of whack with days off and school off, but it feels like I was doing ok and now I'm not doing as well. I know all these answers and things in my head that I've been spouting off to people all the time, but lately I wonder if I truly believe those things in my heart.
I don't feel like I'm mad at God, but I told God the other day in the car how much this all hurts. I know He knows that. It feels like it's hurting more than before. Like it's becoming clearer to me what happened. At first, everything was a blur, I knew it happened because I was devastated but there was a bit of detachment like someone told me it happened and I knew you were gone but it didn't fully register, like there was a veil in between. I saw you at the hospital, I saw you at the funeral home, I saw you at your funeral, I saw them bury you, or bury something that had your name on it and a picture of you sticking out of the ground. Can someone see something and still not believe it? We are told to believe things that we DON'T see, That is the essence of faith. How are those two connected?
Another thought is maybe I'm realizing, like Carter had a problem with at first, is that your death was as real as your life. I remember him telling us and the social worker at Ele's Place at our initial meeting that it seemed like you never really were alive. The social worker said this was normal for kids because something that they have known all their life is suddenly all different and it's hard to comprehend how that can happen. That it's not possible for you have been one way and now you're another.
Maybe it's some of the "real" stuff we have had to deal with lately, like dealing with your car and getting your stuff back. I know it really hit me when I wrote the check out to the funeral home(even though that was several months ago)-the "business" side of things which makes this part of real life. That it doesn't even seem possible to be paying funeral home bills for you when we are supposed to be paying tuition bills.
I know God loves me. I know God loves you. I know these things. I know there are millions of ways God is using this for His glory and part of me is honored that he used my son for His purpose. Beauty from the ashes: "It will take your breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes." He's already made beauty from the ashes-past tense. There is still beauty being made. Things on earth and,more importantly, things above. He doesn't owe us any explanations. He is sovereign which means He can do what He wants,when He wants, and how He wants without having to answer to anyone. Eternity will not even be long enough for us to understand all of the ways God was glorified by this.
This is kind of jumping around, but Dad met with Detective Rex to get your drivers license, registration and (expired!) proof of insurance the other day. Dad said the detective felt bad for us because he couldn't believe the timing of the accident with the blind spot, the type of car (truck) that was coming over the hill at that exact moment you had crossed the center line, etc. Dad just told him that it was meant to be and I just burst into tears when I heard that, because I know that it was orchestrated that way. You didn't have a chance. It was part of a plan.
I keep reminding myself that when I am with Hope and Carter that it is just how it was being with you, That's why I sat and watched "The Office" with Carter today even though it took forever because the Wifi kept having to load. Because being with him is the same as being with you, like when we watched Parks and Rec together (remember watching Arrested Development on Chromecast and it would stop loading at 99% and it would stay like that FOREVER?) That's why I went with Hope and Dad to Johnny and Gretchen's last night for New Year's Eve when I really didn't want to go anywhere. Because it's the same thing as being with you when I'm with Hope. When I get them food when I don't always feel like it because it's just like getting food for you when I didn't always feel like it. Because they are my children and so are you. I can be with them that way, even though I can't be with you that way right now.
I did feel your presence last night though on the way to Johnny and Gretchen's when Dad just happened to have a Christian radio station on and that song "Storyteller" came on. I've only heard that on the radio one other time since Jaime sent it to me as a text soon after your death. Then I saw your reflection on my Hayden necklace from the streetlights, even though I never noticed before that Talladay Rd. had street lights. Thank you for that and thank you for being in my dream this morning!
I think what might be happening is that your death is becoming part of my life as much as your life was. That's a very sad thought. I still have 17 years, 10 months and 3 days on you, death, and you only have a little over 4 months. You have a long way to go! And, as one of my books said, I will have more time with Hayden in eternity than I ever had with him on earth. Praise God for that!
Even though I don't get caught up in the hype of the New Year, I feel bad for seeing 2016 on my horizon without you in it. I know I couldn't wish anything better for you than where you are at right now, my dear. And I know you wouldn't want to come back here even if you could. Come visit me again in my dreams soon, sweet boy. I know you are with my every day though. You live in my heart.
You were standing there with jeans on and and no shirt, like you just got out of the shower. I think your hair was wet and it was combed nicely. I was looking at you in my dream and it seemed so normal, but then I had to remind myself that this was no longer a "normal" occurrence, for me to see you just standing in the kitchen and that I should take note and appreciate it. (More than appreciate but not quite treasure at the time during the dream. I just added that because appreciate didn't seem like the right word). I remember noticing your fingernails were kind of long, like they needed to be trimmed-I could see the whites of your nails. I don't know if that's significant because I know you used to bite your nails but I thought you stopped way before you died.
It seemed like we were in the middle of a conversation and you said, "I don't want to go to jail." I said, "You're not going to jail." I was going to add, "...because you're dead" but I didn't. You said it again (you weren't upset or stressed out about it though, you were just stating that) and I think I was going to tell you why you weren't going to jail and then I woke up.
It made me think that in the other dreams I have had of you, you don't seem to know that you are dead but we do. That's an interesting observation. I will have to think about that one.
Side note: I don't want to make this a whole other post, but I feel like it's been harder for me to deal with your death lately. I don't know if it's because our routine is all out of whack with days off and school off, but it feels like I was doing ok and now I'm not doing as well. I know all these answers and things in my head that I've been spouting off to people all the time, but lately I wonder if I truly believe those things in my heart.
I don't feel like I'm mad at God, but I told God the other day in the car how much this all hurts. I know He knows that. It feels like it's hurting more than before. Like it's becoming clearer to me what happened. At first, everything was a blur, I knew it happened because I was devastated but there was a bit of detachment like someone told me it happened and I knew you were gone but it didn't fully register, like there was a veil in between. I saw you at the hospital, I saw you at the funeral home, I saw you at your funeral, I saw them bury you, or bury something that had your name on it and a picture of you sticking out of the ground. Can someone see something and still not believe it? We are told to believe things that we DON'T see, That is the essence of faith. How are those two connected?
Another thought is maybe I'm realizing, like Carter had a problem with at first, is that your death was as real as your life. I remember him telling us and the social worker at Ele's Place at our initial meeting that it seemed like you never really were alive. The social worker said this was normal for kids because something that they have known all their life is suddenly all different and it's hard to comprehend how that can happen. That it's not possible for you have been one way and now you're another.
Maybe it's some of the "real" stuff we have had to deal with lately, like dealing with your car and getting your stuff back. I know it really hit me when I wrote the check out to the funeral home(even though that was several months ago)-the "business" side of things which makes this part of real life. That it doesn't even seem possible to be paying funeral home bills for you when we are supposed to be paying tuition bills.
I know God loves me. I know God loves you. I know these things. I know there are millions of ways God is using this for His glory and part of me is honored that he used my son for His purpose. Beauty from the ashes: "It will take your breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes." He's already made beauty from the ashes-past tense. There is still beauty being made. Things on earth and,more importantly, things above. He doesn't owe us any explanations. He is sovereign which means He can do what He wants,when He wants, and how He wants without having to answer to anyone. Eternity will not even be long enough for us to understand all of the ways God was glorified by this.
This is kind of jumping around, but Dad met with Detective Rex to get your drivers license, registration and (expired!) proof of insurance the other day. Dad said the detective felt bad for us because he couldn't believe the timing of the accident with the blind spot, the type of car (truck) that was coming over the hill at that exact moment you had crossed the center line, etc. Dad just told him that it was meant to be and I just burst into tears when I heard that, because I know that it was orchestrated that way. You didn't have a chance. It was part of a plan.
I keep reminding myself that when I am with Hope and Carter that it is just how it was being with you, That's why I sat and watched "The Office" with Carter today even though it took forever because the Wifi kept having to load. Because being with him is the same as being with you, like when we watched Parks and Rec together (remember watching Arrested Development on Chromecast and it would stop loading at 99% and it would stay like that FOREVER?) That's why I went with Hope and Dad to Johnny and Gretchen's last night for New Year's Eve when I really didn't want to go anywhere. Because it's the same thing as being with you when I'm with Hope. When I get them food when I don't always feel like it because it's just like getting food for you when I didn't always feel like it. Because they are my children and so are you. I can be with them that way, even though I can't be with you that way right now.
I did feel your presence last night though on the way to Johnny and Gretchen's when Dad just happened to have a Christian radio station on and that song "Storyteller" came on. I've only heard that on the radio one other time since Jaime sent it to me as a text soon after your death. Then I saw your reflection on my Hayden necklace from the streetlights, even though I never noticed before that Talladay Rd. had street lights. Thank you for that and thank you for being in my dream this morning!
I think what might be happening is that your death is becoming part of my life as much as your life was. That's a very sad thought. I still have 17 years, 10 months and 3 days on you, death, and you only have a little over 4 months. You have a long way to go! And, as one of my books said, I will have more time with Hayden in eternity than I ever had with him on earth. Praise God for that!
Even though I don't get caught up in the hype of the New Year, I feel bad for seeing 2016 on my horizon without you in it. I know I couldn't wish anything better for you than where you are at right now, my dear. And I know you wouldn't want to come back here even if you could. Come visit me again in my dreams soon, sweet boy. I know you are with my every day though. You live in my heart.
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