Your car

My previous post reminded me of getting your car. Dad keeps saying we didn't "get" it because it was taken right from the tow yard to the junk yard, but I don't know what else to call it. Anyway, Dad got a call on Monday, December 20th (4 months to the day since your accident-so hard to believe it's been that long!) while we were in Frankenmuth with Aunt Becky and Uncle Mike that your car was ready. We knew that we would have 24 hours to get it before the tow yard (Triangle Towing) would start charging for it. Uncle Johnny had already planned on going with Dad the day it was available, so they planned to go on Tuesday morning.
   I knew I would have to have the title available, and I thought I had all those important papers together since I went through some stuff in the spring/summer. I casually went to pull it out of the drawer in our bedroom Monday night and realized that it wasn't in there! I was in a panic. I looked through everything several times, and through papers in the file cabinets and other boxes and crates around the bedroom, but I COULD NOT FIND IT! I even found the original paperwork from Hines Park (AND even the release of lien from Ford Credit) when we bought it, with the application for the title, financing information, etc. I searched for 2 hours and was very upset the whole time that I couldn't find it. I checked online and the Secretary of State website said that duplicate titles could be purchased and available the same day for like an extra $5. I felt better, but still felt bad that Dad would have to deal with this extra step before being able to get your car. It ended up working out, but it was a very stressful night.
  Anyway, Dad had no problem at the Secretary of State that morning and went to get the stuff out of your car. He said the car was 10 times worse than the picture showed on mlive.com of the accident, which was already horrible. When I saw some of the pictures he took, it was hard to believe that you even survived the accident period and that parts of you, like your face, torso, arms and hands were UNSCRATCHED! Praise God for that and for preserving your organs for organ donation. Dad said it was very clear to him how the pillar of the car was what caused your skull fracture. He could also tell how your left leg was so damaged. He said the engine was pushed through the car to the back seat almost. It was hard to tell where your body could've even fit in the car. God's goodness and grace was even evident in all of that wreckage!
   The things that we got out of the car were your swim bag which I was hoping for, your crushed cell phone (we're still trying to see if any data can be recovered from it), the card table in the trunk, and assorted papers, CD's etc. from your car. A lot of these papers had gotten wet since the car was open to the elements in the tow yard all that time which was a shame. The drivers side door and the passenger door from that side were taken off which left it all open. The tow yard people said that the police should've let us get that stuff a long time ago. Some of the papers included a letter from Jake when you turned 16 that gave all kinds of safe driving advice, a paper that you had written out possible improvements from a Skyline game to Katie that she wrote back on (which was adorable), a deck of cards, etc. Dad laid out all the papers on the table at home because they were still wet. Your swim bag reeked (I washed it since I knew that I could do that since I had to wash it when you got home from Haiti). I also washed your WWP speedo and a beach towel. You also had some deodorant in there, cortisone cream and your shampoo/conditioner-typical stuff for you to have with you in your swim bag.
   The tow yard people (they turned out to be a wealth of knowledge) also told Dad that the offset type of collision that you had was the worst kind, even worse than a true head-on collision, because there was nothing to absorb the force of the impact, except you. (I added the "except you" part-sorry!) How I imagine that to be is that you clipped the truck and then it bounced off and the truck hit the drivers side of your car. That answered a lot of questions in my mind, because the kids and I discussed it several times about how it happened and tried to recreate a "head-on" collision with some of Carter's cars from home and we couldn't figure out how the side of your car was hit and how both cars spun around, etc. By the way, John Meadow's work truck was parked next to yours in the tow yard, which Dad took a picture of.
   Someday the detective might meet with us to go over some of the other details of the report, witness accounts, etc. I think I want to know more about what happened that day, but I'm a little afraid of some of the details in case they are disturbing or upsetting. I would like to hear firsthand so I don't have to depend on Dad to relay the details to me, but I also wouldn't mind a "filter". I will have to see how I feel about it once that day comes.
   I guess on a side note, the prosecutor's office isn't charging anyone with anything. It took so long to complete the investigation because since it wasn't a homicide, it was low priority. I don't know if I told you, but the official ruling/cause was "distracted driving/asleep at the wheel" which I guess is the same category. I don't know if it would help to know for sure what happened or not. I don't think there is any way to know for sure unless we were able to ask you. It was a true accident, sweet boy. As I said in the article when I was asked to comment on the accident being found to be your fault, I know you wouldn't hurt yourself or anyone else on purpose. We are human and we make mistakes, sweet boy. No one is mad at you. It wasn't because you were a bad driver, not careful or "inexperienced." It could have happened to ANYONE.

Side note:  When Dad texted me a picture of the inside of your car and said he couldn't believe you even survived the accident, I texted back "Strong boy." You fought as hard as you could. Your fight to stay alive kept your organs going until they could be hooked up to machines at the hospital and used to save 5 other lives. God bless you, sweet boy!
  
  

RM

On the Tuesday before Christmas, December 22, 2015, Ramona Meadows called the office. I saw her name on the caller ID but I think I was just finishing up a phone call. Donna answered the phone and talked to her briefly because she knew her from doing her mortgage. She then asked to speak to me.
   When I picked up the phone, I said, "This is Andi." She said, "This is Ramona Meadows. Do you know who I am?" And I said, "Yes," because I knew she was the wife of John Meadows, the driver of the truck in your accident. She said she wanted us to know that they had been thinking of us and that she hoped we had a nice Christmas. I told her that we think of them often too and wished her the same. I also told her that we had gotten your car that day and that the truck was parked next to it in the tow yard. That was about it for the conversation
   I felt like a robot because I was trying to hold it together. That was very nice of her to reach out, and I think she did it on that day because it was the first day since she felt she "could" talk to me since your car was released the day before, meaning the investigation is over.
   Of course, I wished I would have thought of this on the phone, but I probably couldn't have gone through with saying it, but I want to let her know on your behalf that you're sorry for everything. I think I will track down their address from the police report and send a card or something. I know that you would want them to know that.
  

Letter from Heaven

This looks familiar so I don't know if I have it written anywhere else, but here goes:

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not here to see,
if the sun should rise and find your
eyes, filled with tears for me

I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too

When tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right there in your heart

Pandora

There are so many songs that I love to hear when they come on Pandora because I feel that they are coming from you. One is on right now: the combination of "This Is My Father's World" and "For the Beauty of the Earth" which were both performed at your service. The first time I heard it I was so excited about it that I posted something about it on Facebook. I remember that Cheryl Pummel said that you were speaking to me through "the" Pandora.
  Another piece that I was excited to hear was a piano version of "Rainbow Connection" which I used to play on the piano as you know. That in itself was cool because it's kind of an odd song, and it was part of an arrangement called "Collage". When I heard it another time, I realized that the other part of the piece was "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" which I also used to play on the piano a lot.
    (Side note: I think I will try to record the extra special songs that come on Pandora that make me think of you.)
   Another one that comes to mind right now is Coldplay, "You're a Sky Full of Stars". I always loved that song anyway and Hope used that as the background song for the water polo team video she made last year. That's you, my dear. My sky full of stars.
   Another one is on now: "A Thousand Years" from the Twilight soundtrack. One step closer to seeing you again.
   I also like One Republic's "I Lived". With every broken bone I swear I lived. You sure did, sweet boy. You left this world with two broken legs and a fractured skull. You fell in love and it hurt so bad when Carrie broke your heart when she wasn't interested in continuing your relationship after prom. That was the only real time I saw you down. She came to your funeral, by the way. So did Miranda. Your two loves. The crowd was screaming your name at water polo games and at the football field when they had that special half-time program to honor you the night before your funeral. They were all chanting "Hayden Strong".
  Then there's yours and Nance's song "Counting Stars" by One Republic. She said that one day she came into the lakehouse or to her house singing it and you joined her and you guys sang the whole song together. That song was the first song to come on "the" Pandora on my first day back to work after your accident. I texted Nance to tell her.
  Then there are songs that come on from the CD that Jaime made for me called "Hope and Healing." One of them (interruption-"Rainbow Connection is on right now-thanks!) (Here comes "Sky Full of Stars"-I think I'm going to cry). See-this is how it goes some days. And I LOVE it!
  You're right-there's another one: "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera. This was on the Josh Groban CD, "Stages" and it made me think of you and Carrie before you asked her if she was interested in pursuing a relationship and I imagined if she said yes that this would be you and her. When it wasn't and this song came on, I would cry and cry in the shower (even before your accident) that this didn't come true for you. Then I cried when Josh Groban sang it live at his concert. That and "Bring Him Home" from the Les Mis soundtrack. I cried when Josh sang this too at his concert because I want you home!
   Right now, one of the songs from Jaime's CD is on, "There Will Be A Day"-no more tears, no more pain, no more fears, my sweet boy. We'll see Jesus face to face, just like you are. When the burdens of this place will be no more. He'll wipe away the tears.
  

The shadow of death

I thought of this part of Psalm 23:4 when we were in the meeting with Gift of Life at the hospital the day of your accident. Here is the full verse: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil for You are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." When I thought of this verse I was still in denial somewhat that you were going to die. I thought that they were preparing us for decisions IN CASE you died. I thought, "Ok, we have to go through all these motions and decisions which are the valley of the shadow of death but you aren't actually going to die. It's the VALLEY of the SHADOW of death, not DEATH. I thought that it was like death but not actually death.
   Then you died. What did that verse mean then? It said "valley of the shadow of death" not "death". This didn't seem like a valley or a shadow. This seemed like death. Seeing you in your box (remember I don't like the word "casket") seemed like death. Picking out your plot and watching them put you in the ground seemed like death. Meeting with Todd about your service seemed like death. Following the hearse to the cemetery seemed like death. (These are all out of order-sorry!) So what does that verse mean?
   I've been listening to a CD by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Beauty From the Ashes" which he recorded soon after his 5-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. In one of the songs it mentions the valley of the shadow of death and that's what made me think more about it. (Side note: I am continually amazed by how God answers my questions. He doesn't have to, but He hears me when I even wonder about things without even directly answering and the answer comes at some point in most cases).
   I realized that this IS the valley of the shadow of death. In earthly terms, you have died. But you are still alive in and with Christ. As a believer, this is the closest we get to death. It's a temporary separation on earth which hurts because we always want to be together. But we will be again SOON. You just went ahead of us. God is so near to us (to me anyway) in this valley of the shadow of death for which I am so grateful.
   Since I've been into definitions lately, here is the definition of "shadow": (noun) a dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface. (I don't remember if I usually quote the word or the definition). When I was looking up the verse I read a commentary to gain some more insight into the verse, but it didn't help much because it wasn't talking about death-just hard times. It did, however, point out that there can't be a shadow without light and the definition ties into that. I might have to think about that one a little bit. Jesus is the light of the world-hmmmm...

Side note: I find myself saying "us" and "we" a lot, but I can only speak for myself, I guess. It feels weird, like I'm selfish, but I find myself correcting it back to "me" and "I" when I read through it again.

Your hand

I just remembered this and wanted to record it. One morning (it might have been Thanksgiving) I was sleeping in a little bit and I felt like a hand was cupped in the small of my back as I was lying on my side. It was very comforting-it felt warm. Nobody was there so I think it was you. Was it?

As I Sit in Heaven

I think I've read this before or wrote it down, but I wanted to include it here:

As I Sit in Heaven
As I sit in heaven
And watch you everyday
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you're laughing
And watch you when you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know that you are not alone
Don't feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me

JM

I just wanted to note that I am thankful that the driver of the truck in your accident walked away with minor injuries, physically. Trying not to name names, but there is someone I know of who was in a very similar accident where the other car crossed the center line and ran into his truck. The at-fault driver in the other car died, and the driver of the truck was messed up as far as his ankle, back, etc. He recently moved to Florida for a fresh start and left his business up here for his brother to run, etc. He had a long recovery right after and I am sure there is more to come. He ran in marathons and I know he will never be able to run again because of the extensive damage that was done to his ankle. I know that his auto insurance covered everything and will continue to cover all of his medical expenses, but that won't give you your body back. I would have felt awful if John Meadows had been seriously injured. Thank you Lord for that!
   I know you would have felt bad too, sweet boy. I will have to let you know if we meet him and talk to him someday. I know you would have felt bad about what happened anyway. No one is mad at you-we know you didn't mean to do it. Like I said in one of the articles about the accident when it was ruled your fault that you would never have wanted to hurt yourself or anyone else.
   John is the husband of Ramona Meadows who works at Old National Bank where I think your cousin Ashley Sutton works (that must be awkward). I heard he felt terrible about the accident and had to take some time off of work. He was driving a work truck for Zurich or Crop Production Services. It was a big white or gray Chevy Silverado. I hate seeing those trucks around because they are so high and so huge and I know that is what ran into your tiny little car.
    I heard he came to your funeral. We didn't know he was there at the time but we heard he was sitting with Pastor Tuttle, the pastor of the Methodist church where your funeral was. We had Pastor Matt address him to let him know that we hope he didn't experience any "survivor's guilt" because that was your time to go to Heaven and he just happened to be in that place at that time. We wanted him to know that we knew you were safe with God and that he didn't have to feel bad about anything. I will give Dad the credit for that-he wanted to make sure that was said publicly. Hopefully it helped John feel better. It was nice of him to come to your funeral. It must have been very hard for him to do that. He was the only living eyewitness to the accident since neither of you had any passengers. Should be interesting to hear what he has to say about the accident someday. I will keep you posted.

Star Wars

I wrote about this on Facebook a while ago, but decided I wanted to include it on this blog:

On the last day of school for seniors this past spring you had your last band concert. (I always thought that was a rough thing to do for them to make the seniors come back already-plus it was a Friday night plus I think it was Memorial Day weekend.) Anyway, I was a little sad thinking that this was your last band concert ever, but I was ok throughout the concert in general, as I had been preparing for this for the past few years.
    The concert was very good-it was a Collage Concert which means that different groups play one after the other-the whole Wind Ensemble, different soloists, smaller groups, etc. Usually these can be annoying because they drag on and on, but this was one was ok. The last song of the concert was the theme from Star Wars, which I thought for some reason that the band played earlier in the year. Anyway, the band started to play it, and it was so good. It sounded so professional. I never realized how many different tunes were all part of the movie, like the love theme, action themes, the tune for Darth Vader, etc. As the band moved through each part, each was better than the one before. Before I knew it, big tears were rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't believe how it was affecting me. I looked at Dad and he didn't really have any unusual reaction.
   It took me a while to calm down after the song was over and then they had the part where they honored the seniors at the end (all of the seniors had red carnations on). Anyway, after the fact, I told you how good I thought it was and how it made my cry and you kind of shrugged it off. I even asked other parents, like Sheryl Calder, when we were discussing the band concert if they were blown away by Star Wars or were emotional at all and they didn't experience what I had experienced. Sheryl just thought it was because it was the last song and she said she had a similar experience at Kristin's last dance recital.
     It wasn't until your funeral, you silly, that I found out when Mr. Lampman was giving his speech about you, that YOU were the one that suggested the band play the Star Wars theme. He commented on your love of movies and that you were wanting the band to play a song from a movie and this was the one. I realized at that moment why that song affected me so much. I must have sensed something extra special about it. God bless you my special boy!
  

God gives us everything

God gave me the heart to love you. Everything is because of Him. So I shouldn't be mad at him for him "taking" you from me, because without Him, "you" and nothing else wouldn't have even been possible.

Side note: I might elaborate on this later, but I just wanted to record this thought

Definition of tragedy

For some reason, I started looking up definitions of words since I heard Lloyd Carr's speech at his grandson's funeral. He gave the definition of heartbreaking, which is "crushing grief". That sounds about right. I looked up the word "devastating" and included it in the post about the letters to Gift of Life.
   I then decided to look up the word "tragedy", for obvious reasons. Here it is: "an event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime or natural catastrophe." Here is another one: "A very bad event that causes great sadness and often involves someone's death; a very sad, unfortunate, or upsetting situation; something that causes strong feelings of sadness or regret." Yup.

Story from Chad Carr's funeral

Jeanette Brenner told me this story last week, but when I was watching the video of Chad Carr's funeral online, the actual lady involved in the story told it too. This lady's son had a near-death experience when he was 4 and told stories of being in Heaven (kind of reminded me of that "Heaven Is For Real" story). Anyway, after that happened, she went into counseling for those facing/dealing with death, I think children in particular. She had been counseling Chad Carr and his brothers the months before he died, and she had an appointment to meet with Chad one day because he was having a bad day. Earlier in the day, this lady's son called from school (now a teenager), saying he was sick and needed to come home. The lady was bothered by this because she needed to keep her appointment with Chad, so she told her son that he could leave school but that he would have to stay at her office until she was done with her appointment.
   Chad's mom brought him in and they were waiting to see the lady. In the meantime, Chad was inconsolable, so they tried giving him chocolate, etc. At one point, Chad was alone (perhaps) and happened to look over and see this lady's son laying on the couch. They had never met before. The lady's son looked at Chad and told him, "It's the happiest place you will ever go." Right after he said that, Chad said he was fine and they could leave now.
   I feel like I am not doing the story justice in my re-telling of it, but I just wanted to make sure I recorded it. That's where you are, my sweet boy! And although I miss you like crazy, I couldn't be any happier for you!

Letter to Gift of Life recipients

Here is the letter I put together for Gift of Life to send out to the recipients of your organs. I was looking at this as possibly our only contact with the recipients in case they don't respond, so I included the Gospel message. I included a note for Gift of Life to please leave it the way it was since I believe that was the only reason your organs were preserved at the scene. I was advised against including that part because someone thought it might be overwhelming to the recipient and it might scare them away from meeting us. I considered that, but then realized that my goal was not to entice them to meet us-my most important goal was using whatever opportunity I had (and this could be the only one) to reach them with the Gospel. Many people have said, "Wouldn't it be amazing if the people who received Hayden's organs went on to have children, etc.?" What about wouldn't it be amazing if these people lived long enough from your gifts to make a decision for Christ and secure eternal life in Heaven? I don't know why nobody thought of that. I will include a side note at the bottom about how this contact works. Anyway, here is what I wrote:

Hello,

We are reaching out to you as a recipient of one of our son's organs. First of all we pray that you are doing well since your surgery. Although losing our son was devastating, knowing that others have benefitted from his decision to donate his organs is a comfort to us. Our son was very healthy and took good care of himself by eating well and working out every day, so we are glad that others can benefit from his healthy organs, which were miraculously unharmed in his accident.

Not only are we pleased that your earthly life has been impacted by our son's gift, but we pray that this will give you an opportunity to consider your spiritual life as well. Another thing that has given us great comfort during this difficult time is knowing that our son is with the Lord at this very moment because of his decision to accept Christ's gift of salvation and that we will see him again since we made that decision too. God sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, Who knew no sin, to die on the Cross to pay the price for our sins so we could be together forever with God in Heaven. Enclosed is a tract that further explains this. How amazing would that be for you to meet not only God, but our son face-to-face someday!

We will continue to pray for your recovery. We would like to meet you someday if that is something that you would be ok with. If not, we understand as well. A part of our son lives on in you for which we will always be grateful. We will continue to pray for God to pour out His richest blessings on you!

Side note: I looked up the definition of "devastating" today. It means "highly destructive or damaging," "causing severe shock, distress or grief." That reminds me-I think that's the word the neurologist used when he first explained your brain injury in the hospital after your accident

Another side note:  The tract I included with the letter is the same one I used for some of your thank you notes. It's called "You will get through this" by Max Lucado.

I noticed I referenced another side note about contacting through Gift of Life: To initiate contact with recipients, we give our information to Gift of Life and they make it available to the recipients and it's up to them if they want to contact us. This gift is very overwhelming for the recipients and sometimes it's hard for them to meet the donors because of what we had to lose for them to get the gift. I think I went over that somewhere else, but I wanted to mention it again to tie to this letter.

Why you crossed the center line

There has been a lot of speculation, naturally, about why or how you crossed the center line on Wagner Rd. that caused your crash and ultimately your death. The police were unable to pinpoint exactly what happened, as I suspected. The phone records don't show any internet activity, texting or calling was going on anywhere near the time of the accident. Dad said you woke up that morning and said you had slept well so falling asleep at the wheel didn't sound right. Some think that you were changing a song on your phone which wouldn't have shown up on your phone activity. There are probably hundreds of things that you could have been doing. Jake Diuble thinks you could have even just sneezed and drifted towards the center. Others think that maybe an animal crossed your path that you tried to avoid, the list can go on and on as I said.
   Last night in the support group at Ele's Place, the facilitator brought up the subject of closure and "having closure", etc. with what has happened. Nobody in the group said this made any sense or fit in what has happened with their loss of their child. I made a comment that we never found out for sure why you crossed the center line, and wondered if knowing would give us "closure." I don't think so. It doesn't change what happened and what the outcome was. Of course, I'm glad that alcohol or drugs wasn't a factor. I'm glad that there wasn't a record of you being on your phone at the exact time of the accident so you wouldn't be added into the statistics of all of the teens that text while driving and get in an accident.
   Back to the group-one of the dads said that with their special needs daughter who died, there were a few things that could have caused her death. He's a doctor and he recommended just picking one thing that you believe it was and maybe the possible cause of death that you feel the most at peace with. I might want to elaborate on this more later, but I would like to think that God just took you at that moment. It makes me think of those bumper stickers that say something like "Warning-In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned."  That was part of His plan since the day you were conceived, my dear. He took your soul up to Heaven with Him, leaving behind your body behind to crash into that truck. There had to be an explanation though for us here-your car had to drift to the left, not to the right. It had to be where there was a hill so the truck couldn't veer out of the way. It had to be a truck to do the damage it did to your little car. And then God in his abundant love left your organs intact and let your body be revived at the scene so your perfectly healthy organs could be given to others. Any other scenario could have left you on life support indefinitely, in a wheelchair, etc. which God didn't want for you. He knew you would've wanted your life back exactly how it was or nothing at all. To die with dignity instead of living as just a fraction of what you were.
   I would compare this to the story of Enoch who never died-whom God just took up with Him into the clouds and Elijah who went straight to Heaven in a chariot of fire. I am not saying you were as good as them or as faithful (sorry-have to be truthful), but I'm sure that's how it happens for lots of believers. When God is ready for you, He takes you. It doesn't have to make sense how it happened to us left on earth, God owes us no explanations. Ever. Some people have a stroke that comes out of nowhere. Some people slip in the shower and hit their head weird and die. Some people get hit in a minivan and the rest of their family is ok and only they die. "Freak accidents" that defy explanation happen all of the time-where the timing of this or that is just "right" (or "wrong") and could never happen that way again even if someone tried to recreate it.
   Why do so many people focus on "why" anyway? Would any explanation help or make the pain of losing you any less? What answer would satisfy? Nothing! Here is your answer, "God decided it was time and we need to trust that." We didn't question God's decision to create you and to make you so wonderful. We didn't question why you were placed in our family to love, raise and enjoy. Like Job said, (and this is paraphrased greatly), will we accept good from the Lord and not bad? I found the passage: It's Job 2:10 and he is speaking to his wife I believe: "You are talking like a foolish woman. Should we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (I am going to check some of the conversation beforehand). And the thing with things that seem "bad" or "trouble" from God end up being good or for our good. Do we not think God knows what He is doing?
  I think contemplating "why" makes it harder. For one thing, you will never find out why, at least not here. It also makes it seem like God owes you an explanation. Who are we to question God? Even in Heaven, people say the first thing they are going to ask God, is why this or why that. How rude! He is the Creator of the universe! Who are we to march up to Him in his face and demand answers? I think that attitude is making it harder for Dad to deal with this. He's taking it as a personal attack on him or you or something. He's so caught up in his own pain, that he is unavailable to the rest of us. It's a shame.
   At one point and even now, I feel honored that God used you in this way. If he took someone in that way who was a jerk or not saved, what difference would it make to the world and to Heaven? He used this as an opportunity for ministry, for our little church and our pastor to use it as a ministry to bring a ton of people to Christ. He used it to heal wounds in our family like with Grammy and everyone. He used it to bring people together in the Saline community, like the water polo team and the swim team. To make people realize it is stupid to hold grudges-that it just wastes time and energy. And that nobody knows how much time they have on this earth and they have to be prepared for what comes next.
   To quote from something on the Chadtough website: "So here while our hearts break we have to believe Our God, He know what He's doing. Everything is always, always about God."

Side note about Job: In Chapter 2, Job is afflicted with painful sores from head to toe after another conversation that God and Satan had regarding Job's faithfulness. By now, Job had lost his children and all of his wealth but Satan said that Job would surely turn his back on God if his own body was afflicted. After this happened, Job's wife said, "Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!" And that's when Job said what he did in 2:10.

Addendum: I am not sure what I think about this explanation the more that I have thought about it. Any regular type of thing could have happened to make you drift across the center line. I would like to think though that when God saw this happening, that he decided to take you right then and there and you didn't even feel or know what happened and just went right into His presence. This ties in a little bit to what the witness at the scene said, Susie Fay, who said she felt so much love in and around your car and that it felt surrounded by angels. (I'm going to double check her exact wording on that).  (I checked-this is pretty much what she said).
  Anyway, as I think I have said before, there are so many other ways that this could have ended up. If in truth, you were texting and driving, that is breaking the law and there could have been punishment for that. You could have hurt the other driver even more or even killed him. There could have been other injuries you had that were worse like your spleen or your broken legs. What if you never walked again? Let alone your brain injury. I know, know, know that you wouldn't have wanted to start all over with learning EVERYTHING if that was the case. I also just read about another "Hayden Strong" story (came across it on Facebook when I was trying to track down the Hayden T-shirts through Kings of Merch) who was in an auto accident and had to have both of his legs amputated. Everyone thinks death is the worst possible outcome, but how about a lifetime of suffering?
  Yes, my sweet boy, even though some may say, "Where was God at this time?", He was definitely there. He is a good God and protects us from harm in His own way. Praise God! Thank you for taking care of my sweet boy!

Medical weight loss

There used to be this commercial for Medical Weight Loss, that said something like, "With Medical Weight Loss, the shape of things to come" or something like that. At the end, you would add "You won't get hungry, but if you do, we have food for you." Of course, that went on and on: "You won't get sleepy, but if you do, we have beds for you," "You won't get dirty, but if you do, we have showers for you," etc. Of course, you said it in a silly voice. We would go back and forth on that topic forever. It was so fun.

Life cereal

Even though these posts are short in length, I wanted to have separate posts for them for reference. With Life cereal, we used to go on and on about how "I love life," "Life is good," My life gets mushy sometimes," etc., like all of these uses of the word Life in reference to the cereal but also to life. Of course, I can't remember any good ones, but we went on and on once with a lot of really good ones. Probably anything I can think of we said. Hmmmmm...might have to try to think of some later.

That didn't take long, here are some: "I'm full of life," "I'm sick of life," "I had too much life," "I don't like life," (sorry, still lame!) Maybe I will try again later.

Costco Rainbow Connection

The Costco catalog came in the mail the other day, so it reminded me that I should write down how one time you pointed it out to me and started singing to me, to the tune of the Muppets song "Rainbow Connection" which I used to play on the piano, "Someday we'll find it, the Costco Connection," And then I added, "the shoppers, the savers," and then you belted out, "and me!"

Gift of Life

After you were declared brain dead on Friday, that is when Gift of Life took over. They needed to keep everything going on you until they could find matches for your organs.  This part of your care was covered by them financially, because Dad asked how that worked.
   I don't know if I mentioned that we had a meeting with the Gift of Life people later on in the day of your accident, and I thought it was just a preliminary meeting in case you died. I guess they already knew you weren't going to make it. Pastor Matt went with us and Mr. Brown (I guess I should call him Dr. Brown-Matt and Andrew's dad). It was very helpful to have them both in there. The Tom Haverford doctor was in there too and two ladies from Gift of Life. They were trying to explain to us that with Gift of Life we had to have a "resuscitate" order as opposed to a "do not resuscitate" order. It was weird because there were opposite goals at stake. We were having the meeting because you had signed up to be an organ donor on your drivers license but we had to give the final approval since you were under 18. We knew that this was something you would want to do.
   Later on, we met with another person from Gift of Life, a tall black guy. He was asking us all kinds of questions like your health history, etc. He then had to go through an icky list of what we wanted to donate. I was ok with major organs, but some of the other options like skin, veins, etc. was grossing me out, so I asked if we could move it along. I think Pastor Matt sat in on this in that meeting as well, Poor guy! We ultimately decided on the heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and pancreas as well as eyes and skin. I think we went with whole eyes-I don't know if that's a separate option than just corneas. Hopefully somebody will get those beautiful blue eyes and we can look into them again.
   I can't get over how great the Gift of Life people were. They scheduled your surgery for Sunday morning, so I think between Friday and Saturday (although for some reason, it seemed like most of it happened on Saturday), they sent out offers and were hearing back. In the meantime, they told us that we could put a playlist together of songs to play during your surgery. We gave that task to Jake since he knew what songs you liked the best. Some of us had some suggestions to add too. He did a great job with it and we got the list back which would be nice to make a CD of or something.
   In addition to this, they also wanted us to write things down that we wanted said either before the surgery started or after it was over. For some reason, I thought they said before, since they would be removing the organs although you would still be on machines. Anyway, I was so excited because a Bible verse just came to me that had to do with Jesus breathing his last breath-like "Into your hands I commend my spirit and then He breathed his last"-sorry, that is extremely paraphrased! I asked if that could be that last thing read. There were a lot of other things that were written down to be read, like quotes, messages, etc. I just remember thinking how amazing that was of Gift of Life to offer to do those things, because it was honoring to you, even though you technically couldn't "hear" it (then again, who knows, right?) We have that list as well.
   For contacting the recipients, how it works is we provide Gift of Life with our contact information and then it's up to the recipients if they want to contact us. This gift is very overwhelming to them and sometimes it's hard for them to meet the donor family, because how do you say "thank you", etc.? I'm sure it will be hard for us too, but it might be nice someday to see who has your heart, lungs, etc., and to be reminded that a part of your physical body is still alive on this earth.
  I actually just completed those letters and I am going to send them out today. I made sure that the Gospel message was included in case that was the only contact we were going to have with these people. Not only do these recipients get a second chance at their earthly life, how wonderful would that be for them to have an opportunity to be saved and secure their eternal home in Heaven? I don't know if Gift of Life will frown upon that in an initial letter, but I think they should let us say whatever we want to as long we don't give away your identity.
   Hopefully I will have more to write on Gift of Life if we hear from any of the recipients. We did get a general letter from them that said who got what, as far as male or female and what ages. A 30-something male got your heart and your lungs and kidneys went to men in their 40's. Your liver went to a 60-something female. There was no one to take your pancreas at the time of the surgery, so that was designated for research and we even got a copy of a letter that was thankful for the donation. A few weeks after your death, Gift of Life sent a beautiful engraved medal as a keepsake. Like I said, I hope to have more to write about this in the future.

Side note: Your Aunt Jaime was really impacted by your accident and organ donation and checked into being a volunteer with Gift of Life. She might even want to work for them as a career at some point. She really wants to move back up to Michigan because she thinks it's important to be close to family, especially after losing you.
 
  

Your burial

After seeing some pictures online of Chad Carr's burial, it made me think of your burial. After the funeral, we had the graveside service for the immediate family (which included the Aulisas). After the little ceremony under the tented area, it was going to be a little while until the actual burial, so most everyone decided to leave. I didn't want to leave-I wanted to stay until the end of everything. So, Dad stayed and Hope and Carter. (Dad kept wanting to leave). Grandma Elsie didn't want to leave until Dad did and she rode with Aunt Becky and Uncle Mike, so they all stayed as well. One older guy from the funeral home stayed and the cemetery guy and another guy running the machine thing.
   The machine thing was an old, industrial contraption with a very loud motor. It looked pretty old. I couldn't figure out how it was going to work. They used it to move your box into the vault at that point. While they were doing that, I noticed how the funeral home guy kept wiping off your box, which I thought was very nice and respectful. (I was using the word "casket"' but just changed it to "box"-much better).Anyway, I think they used the contraption to sling your box around and lowered it into the vault. It looked like marbleized plastic, but hopefully it wasn't just plastic. The contraption was like a lifter. (Don't you love my technical terms?) Once your box was in the vault, the lid was placed on it. It had a design on the top of a tree-I think I saw on the funeral invoice that is was called "Aegean Tree of Life." I tried to look that up on Google, but there was no information on it, so it must have just been called that as a design. There was a lovely plaque on the bottom with your name, "Hayden M. Smith" and the dates of your birth and death. It was weird to see your name on it.
   After the box was in the vault, the machine hooked it up and traveled over to your, for lack of a better word, hole. We looked in the hole and it looked kind of cool how perfectly the ground was cut out. They lowered the box in, and then the cemetery guy brought a dump truck over with all the dirt in it. I thought it was nice of them not to have it in plain view of the service under the tented area. They were doing other things, so I walked over to the truck (barefoot-I had taken off my shoes after everyone left) and grabbed a handful of dirt. I don't remember if I asked if it was ok to do it. I probably did ask. I just thought one of us should be the first ones to start the dirt. It was fitting that I did it since I (and God) brought you into this world.
   Anyway, I threw a handful of dirt in there and spread it around. Then Hope and Carter did. I think at that point, they gave Dad a shovel and he put in the first "shovelful". I don't remember if anyone else did. (By the way, Dad kept wanting to leave, but I wanted to stay until everything was done). The dump truck backed up and dumped the load in which was the perfect amount to fill the hole. Then the funeral guy got right in there and started spreading the dirt around and the cemetery guy was panking it down.
  I thought that was about it, like there was just going to be a big mound of dirt for a while, but then the cemetery guy started bringing over little squares of sod that I hadn't noticed were off to the side. I think there were three in a row and I don't know how many long, but it was in the shape of the spot. He picked up each little square with a pitchfork and laid it in place and panked it in with a "panker". I appreciated how methodical he was with each square and how he went back and forth and filled each one in its place. I was also glad there was grass on the top instead of just a sad mound of dirt.
   After that, he placed the box (that's the word I'm using in place of casket) spray of flowers on top and one of the floral arrangements, the one from Rob & Steph since it was in the shape of a heart. Of course, after he was done, I had to go in and "pick", so I rearranged the flowers and pulled off the cross that was part of the arrangement. It had the benediction on it. I then pulled the ribbon off because it was all jacked and pulled some roses off and spread rose petals all over your grave.
   I am so glad I did that. It started the healing process for me. It was like the last event of your life on earth and I didn't want to miss any of it.

Side note:  When we were by the grave, Uncle Mike said, "He was a good boy." And then I said, "That is why God wanted him." Love you sweet boy!
  
  
   

Another Hayden dream

Just wanted to record a dream I had about you over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend (Nance recommended I write it down). Hope and I were looking at a picture of yours and her backs and noted how zitty or scaly yours was from swimming or water polo.  I don't know if I started scratching your back in the picture, but all of a sudden you were in a bed sleeping but you were a few years younger, like a freshman or a sophomore. You were lying on your stomach and started to wake up. You were out of it, like you just came back from a dentist appointment or something. You were babbling like talking in your sleep and Hope and I were just thinking it was cool to be there with you because we knew you had died, but it seemed like you didn't know (you were dead) and it was just a normal day for you. Not too exciting, but any experience with you is a treasure.

Side note:  I really believe that this is really you in these dreams. I feel really lucky to have these because when I met with Jeanette Brenner last week and mentioned the dreams I have had of you, she said she has never had a dream of Luke since he died. Maybe it's because there is so much else wrapped up in her situation, like how she was in the accident with him, etc. Who knows. I just know that I am thankful for every moment with you.

August 20, 2015

I woke up to get ready for work like any other Thursday. It was about 8:30 and I was just about dressed and ready when Jake came over and asked if you were still at home because you hadn't made it to one of the two water polo clinics you were helping with that morning. You had been helping with two all week and I knew the second one was at Chippewa but I could never remember all week where the first one was. (For any other readers, turns out it was at Liberty Sports Complex). I knew the first one was from 8-10 and the second was from 10-12. You had plans to go to Sleeping Bear Dunes with the Calimente family that afternoon at 2 pm for a long weekend, so you were happy you were able to squeeze one more clinic in that day before leaving. Later on when I was home, I noticed that you had a pile of clothes on your chair to pack for your trip.
   Anyway, Jake said he had tried to call you but you hadn't answered. He also told me that you had stopped on the way to the clinic at Katie's to pick up the caps and balls that she forgot. We didn't really know what to do at the time, because it was weird that we couldn't find you and it was weird that you weren't answering your phone. I sent a text to you that said, "Where r u?" Jake decided to leave and trace your route to see if he could find you. He got a hold of Dad who was out to breakfast with his mom to meet and help him.
  At home, I didn't know what to do. I texted E to let her know that I wouldn't be into work yet because we couldn't find you. I wondered at what point to contact the police since it hadn't been that long since you were missing. I woke up Hope and I checked on annarbor.com to see if there were any accidents that morning. I did come across the accident on Wagner Rd., but I didn't even know if you would have been on Wagner since I forgot where the first clinic was. The picture only showed the truck and the ambulance and not your car, so I didn't think that was you.
   A little while later, E texted that the police were at the office looking for me. I freaked out. E asked if she should come over. I told her yes. I quickly woke up Carter and finished getting ready. The police soon pulled up in the driveway and I was really upset at that point before they even got to the door, expecting the worst. I kept saying, "No, Hayden, No!". The police came to the door and told me that you were in an accident and you had been airlifted to the hospital. The policemen offered us a ride to the U of M. We grabbed some things and ran out the door. The officers were Larry Hrinik and Belknap. E pulled in soon after and said she could drive Hope. They decided to go to Busch's to tell Grandma Joonie and get her, so it was me and Carter in the back seat of the police SUV. 
   The officers really had no information on anything. At that point I was just grateful that you were still alive. The ride to the hospital took so long because of traffic and then even longer when we were closer to the hospital because there had been a car fire in the parking garage a little while before that (I saw white smoke coming off the top of the parking garage and thought it was odd-come to find out later that eight cars were affected by that fire), so traffic was insane. On the ride there, Carter and I prayed for you. I asked the officers why no one would have used your cell phone to contact us or try to respond to calls or texts that the cell phone received. They said that cell phones go off all the time, so they aren't even used (we found out later that your cell phone was destroyed anyway). I asked the officers if it was ever a pain for them to drive anywhere without the sirens because of people seeing them behind them and slowing way down. They laughed and said it was really annoying because people would go even slower than the speed limit when they noticed a police car behind them.
   When we finally got the ER, we were thinking you would be in the child's ER because of your age, but you were in the adult ER (we found out later the reason for this-since you were basically unknown when you were admitted, they guessed your age to be 23. You probably would have thought that was cool they thought you were older). When Carter and I got to the check-in desk at the ER, we saw Lisa and her friend Tiffany in the waiting area. (Tiffany works with Lisa in the hospital gift shop. She was very supportive and informative. When she started telling us about what to expect, I asked her what her role was because she knew so much. I had hoped I hadn't sounded rude, I just wanted to keep track of who was who). A social worker met us and brought us to another waiting room where Dad was and a few other people. Hope and E weren't there yet. They brought me, Dad and Carter in to see you in the ER. You were just lying on a table-I just thought you were still knocked out from the accident and had no idea how serious your injuries were. I don't know if the doctor told us then or later that you had coded a few times at the scene. We briefly spoke with the doctor and then went back to the waiting room.
   Later, you were moved to the Trauma Burn unit (I asked if you were burned, but was told that the unit is for both trauma and burn. I thought the whole time that there needed to be a "slash" added to all the signs between Trauma and Burn). I think at that point we were brought into the other waiting room. Pastor Worrell was there (Steve's dad) and he was a huge help. I forgot at what point Pastor Matt came. We met the airlift team in the hallway-three guys at one point and they gave us your "wings". A police seargant (I apparently have no idea how to spell that word) was there, Lisa King, and she asked us a few questions about you, like if you had a girlfriend you recently broke up with, etc.(I thought that was a weird question). Coach Katie was in the waiting room and I asked the officer if there was a way to get the caps and balls out of your car and get them to her. The officer said it was no problem and Katie said she received them later that day. Katie was very touched that I made sure she got those back. I knew that would have been important to you too.
   At some point the neurologist came in and said you had suffered a severe (I think he used the word devastating) brain injury. I think he said they were going to let you rest and see if you would wake up and that we could see you then. More people had gathered and Pastor read some Psalms and then he sang a hymn (I will have to try and remember which one). No one knew the words to that hymn so I suggested we all sing "Amazing Grace." A few people prayed, and even I prayed aloud in the room full of people. People I remember being there: Becky, the Judges, both Pastors, the Aulisas, Grandma Joonie, Lisa (by the way, the minute Lisa and Grandma Joonie saw each other, they held hands and have been "besties" ever since), Kaisa and Tony, Brenda and Dale, Amanda, Hope and E arrived, Sarah Noonan - there were more people, but I have to think about it who.
   I remember while we were waiting for news/to see you, I left the waiting room to use the bathroom. When I went in the hallway, it was packed with water polo boys and some of their parents. I went through and hugged each one of them and thanked them for coming. It was overwhelming how many were there and how fast they got to the hospital.
   Every time the neurologist came in, the news was worse. I don't remember if at that point he said anything about it not being a survivable injury. He might have said at the time as well that your pupils had been fixed and dilated since the accident. He gave us a time that we could see you, but that time came and went. I was hoping that it was a good thing-that there were improvements, but we found out later that you had coded again, maybe more than once. When we finally went down to see you (me, Dad, Hope & Carter), you were in the very end room of the unit. I remember looking at the floor and there were gingko leaf shapes inlaid  in the wooden floor. That walk seemed so long every time thereafter. When we saw you, you were all hooked up to machines and had dried blood on you and there were a bunch of staples in your head to close up the large cut you had. There was white powder all over the floor and I asked what it was-they said it was from casting your broken legs. There was a tube in your mouth and your eyes were not quite closed-I remember that is how you slept when you were a baby-with the little slits of your eyes still being open. I tried to look in your eyes and asked if you were still in there, and, if you were, to come back to us. We prayed and sang some songs like "Jesus Loves Me."
   After that it was just a waiting game. The neurologist told us there were several tests they had to go through to check for brain activity and that there were different ones for children since you were under 18 than for adults. He said that there were some reflexes from one round of tests, but during the next round, that even those were gone. He said that any other injury can be fixed but not a brain injury.
   More and more people came to the hospital. They let people in to see you but they had to restrict it to four at a time because of other patients in the unit. (Gary Finkbeiner pointed out to me later that the doctors must have known that you were not going to recover at that point or they would have restricted visitors altogether. I didn't even think about this at the time. They probably just had to go through the motions to comply with the time requirements for declaring brain death). People waited and waited for their chance to see you. I remember Robert and Kristin, Alex, Julian, people from the cross country and track team, and people I didn't even know.
   That's how the rest of that afternoon and evening went-tons of people coming through and a big line in the hallway to see you. The staff kept telling us that we had to keep the hallway clear because it was their only way to get through. We tried but it was hard with so many people coming and going. Because of my horrible sense of direction, I didn't even realize that we were on the first floor and that the waiting room was right around the corner. You should have seen the waiting room-it was packed too! A lot of your friends were playing cards and I told them you would be jealous that you weren't able to play with them.
   I remember having a conversation with one of the doctors (he looked like Tom from "Parks and Rec") asking if we would want you revived again if you coded. Dad and I decided no, since you had already coded several times. (Note: might do a separate post about Gift of Life): At some point though, Gift of Life came into the equation since you had signed up to be a donor on your driver's license. We had to approve it since you were underage, but we knew you would want to do that. It was a miracle that your torso was virtually untouched in the accident and that all of your organs were fine. (I realized later that that was the reason you were even alive at the scene-to keep your organs going).We ended up having a meeting with the Gift of Life people and that "Tom" doctor. Dr. Brown (for any readers, he is the dad of two boys on the water polo team and is a plastic surgeon at the U of M) was working, so we asked him to join us for the meeting as well as Pastor Matt. Two ladies represented Gift of Life. I really didn't know why were in the meeting anyway-I was thinking it was preliminary and had not realized that this organ donation was going to happen, in other words, that you were not going to survive. The doctor explained that if we were going to go through with organ donation that we had have to change your status to "do resuscitate" since the organs needed oxygen and blood to keep them healthy and alive to be able to be used. It took me a little while to understand that, since there were opposite goals at stake. The meeting went as well as it could have gone, and I was happy we had the additional advisement of Pastor Matt and Mr. Brown.
   I am not sure if this was Thursday or Friday, but a child life specialist wanted to meet with Hope and Carter. She had some activities for them to do-once again, I wasn't comprehending why at this point. I was wondering if they were just preparing for the worst, but looking back I guess they all knew that you weren't going to wake up. They decided on doing an activity with colored sand in little trays and picking things out from some plastic bags of small objects that represented you. They choose things like a mirror (they both said because you always looked good), tropical plants for Haiti, money because you always had money everywhere, etc. They turned out nice and the lady took pictures of each one-I think she was supposed to email us the pictures but I don't remember ever getting them. That same lady also had some white model magic and made a handprint from your giant hand. It was really nice of them to think of all those things and they also gave us a lock of your hair.
   The different tests came and went with the waiting time in between. That gave us some hope, but it probably shouldn't have. There was a test scheduled for Friday morning which you didn't "pass" and they pronounced your death at 1:30 on August 21 although they are pretty sure that you died sometime on Thursday afternoon. Even though the 21st is on your death certificate, I still consider the 20th to be your date of death. (Side note: I felt bad because Hope was thinking that there was still another test that we were waiting for. I had to tell her that they did both tests at the same time and what that meant-that you were gone. It was very hard to tell her and Carter that in such blatant terms, but I felt they HAD to know and understand that fact that you were dead. That is by far probably the worst conversation I have ever had and ever will have to have with anyone).
   I didn't realize that I never finished this. That was the worst day of my life, sweet boy. I just wanted to write about it so I didn't forget the details, although I probably still did. I will never get over the loss of you, I will just have to learn to live with it somehow. Help me to do this, God!


  
  
   

What's Your Excuse?

I have often thought since your accident about all of the people who wasted opportunities and time they could have spent with you even though they were given countless chances and chose not to. Unfortunately, these people I speak of are related to us. (This is one of the reasons why I am hesitant to share this blog with others, because some of them could hurt people's feelings, but I don't want to censor them because then they wouldn't be coming from my heart). People who were given three years of your travel baseball schedule and still didn't come to ONE game even when some of them were in Saline. People who didn't come to ONE of your senior water polo games. People who didn't come to Senior Night. People who chose to bring your Christmas presents to work some years instead of having us over to get them from their house (although in the past few years effort was made to deliver them to you at our house on Christmas morning). People who didn't go to any of your band concerts but want to know when all of Hope's and Carter's are now. People who only did ONE THING A YEAR with you. ONE THING! People who said to me as they looked at you in your casket that they were sorry they didn't spend more time with you and all I could do was nod. People who didn't give anything to your Haiti trip but want to create a fund to send someone now? What is wrong here?
   People who didn't even know or care when your birthday was but this year were all over having a big celebration for it. People who didn't care about having your senior picture but have to have one now. Where were these people when you were alive?  They don't even know what they missed. Maybe it's easier for them now that you are gone because they didn't know you that well anyway. Well, they lost out-BIG TIME. I am thankful that Hope and Carter are benefitting from their mistakes but they can never get back that time with YOU. I hope this didn't make you feel any less special or worthy because it shouldn't have. You didn't deserve that type of treatment.They are stupid and selfish people!
   The place we are going to for Thanksgiving have NEVER had us over for this holiday. NEVER! Someone who will be at this dinner told me that no kids were invited to her wedding-not even you guys! What is their problem? Do you know how much fun it would have been to have you there? I just don't get it-if they don't like me or what. Or they are stupid and selfish people-or were anyway. It's different now but it's sad because I am sure they are realizing that they should have been better then. Why do people think they have all of the chances in the world? Do they think that nothing bad can ever happen? Well, guess what-the worst thing ever happened! It's too late for them! They must have so many regrets! That is their punishment I suppose unfortunately.

Side note, looking back on writing this: This turned out a lot meaner than I wanted it to. A lot of it is true though unfortunately. I can only hope that people learned something from this experience and have changed their ways now. It's sad though that you had to die for that to happen.

Potential

This is a word/concept I have heard a lot since your accident and I heard again today-that you had so much potential and now it's gone because you're gone. I don't usually do this kind of thing, but I looked up the definition of "potential", which can be used as an adjective or a noun. As an adjective, the definition is "having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future." As a noun, the definition is "latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness."
   Now by these definitions, I totally understand what people mean by their sentiments. Obviously to them, if you aren't alive on this earth, (to paraphrase the above definitions), you can't become or develop into something in the future, or use your qualities or abilities to lead to future success or usefulness. Do you already see where I am going with this? As with all things, God has a different view of a particular person's "potential" in how He uses our lives for His glory.
   How many people in their whole life physically save five lives? That's what your organ donation did. It may not have made a difference in the future you lost from your accident, but it created potential in five other futures with a second chance at life. This donation definitely could lead to future success or usefulness in their lives and exceeds the uncertainty of the word potential, in that it definitely did these things!
   Another aspect of this word can be seen in what impact you already had on all 800 people who attended your funeral and probably hundreds more we will never know about until we are all in Heaven together. You touched and inspired so many by how you lived your life and how you treated people. I am so proud of you for that!
   Last, but definitely not least, I know that God used you to save many, many people. People knew you were a believer by how you lived your life, but hundreds heard the Gospel at your funeral at a time when they were contemplating life and death issues and realizing how nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. 80 of your friends came to the special youth group meeting the Sunday after your accident! Unfortunately, it's hard to even get one friend to come to something like that as a visitor on a regular night. The Gospel was clearly preached there as well. I know, on a personal level, that I can and already have used your story as a testimony to God so many times and will continue to do so the rest of my life. God is the Only One getting me through this and knowing that you are safe with Him and that I will see you again, and that day can't come soon enough for me!
   What I am trying to say in all of this, is that I believe that you definitely met and have exceeded your potential on this earth. It was not lost-it was just re-directed and used for others instead of yourself. Knowing you, I think you would be ok with that.

S.S. Hayden

Depiction of a believer's death, found in Randy Alcorn's book, "Heaven". I have read something similar to this before but was so glad to come across this again after what's happened.

I'm standing on the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She's an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come down to mingle with each other. And then I hear someone at my side saying, "There, she's gone."
    Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
    And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There, she's gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes"
    And that is dying.

God's will

Lately I have been really wishing that all of this didn't happen and that you were still here. The longing that this brings is almost unbearable. I just wished that the accident didn't happen and that you were still here and that we were trying to figure out how to pay your tuition at EMU right now and dealing with all of the other little problems that seemed huge before the morning of August 20, 2015.
   I know this isn't going to happen of course. I've wrestled with this in my mind millions of times and I don't know if it makes me feel better to think that way or if I am just trying to stay sad (which, believe me, is not a problem) so I can feel closer to you.
  For some reason, though, on my way home from working at Target on Saturday morning around 7:00 am, I had the thought that I knew that what happened was God's will or it wouldn't have happened. I then thought, I am wishing for something that is against God's will. I remember Pastor has presented this situation in this way a few times that,for whatever the reason, God allowed this to happen and we just need to learn to accept/live with it. I always found that sounded a bit cruel and matter-of-fact. Once again, as always, I am grateful for Pastor's insight, even though it might take me a little while to understand it sometimes.
   Anyway, to recap, I realized that my wishing that you were still here and would be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. was never part of God's plan for this year or beyond. My wishing for this goes against what God wants, and as a Christian, I should always want God's will and have prayed for it. How could I not want what God wants? He knows best, and something I have continually told myself since the accident is that as much as we love you, dear Hayden, we have to love God more. And believe me, we love you SO MUCH!
  That helped me a lot-like someone snapped their fingers and I snapped out of a certain way of thinking. There's so many other aspects of this loss that I have to get through, but this cleared up a big issue. I shared this with Dad and Hope and Carter. I think Dad knows in his head that this is true, but I don't know if he's taking it to heart yet. Hope and Carter were very receptive to it and agreed with me. God knows best-that's it. And he has the best-YOU!
  

Graduation cards

There is a pile of your graduation cards in the top drawer of the china cabinet (the one you love so much-ha,ha). There are held in a stack by a rubberband and whenever I would notice them, it would make me a little sad because, of course, who knew this would have happened so shortly after graduation.
   I was looking for the one from Jake (I always feel funny calling him that-should I call him Jacob? But that sounds weird too) because I knew he wrote a lot in it and wanted to see how exactly he worded some of his advice about "experimenting" and stuff. I think I just wanted to see if you were a secret druggie or something. I know you would be so mad at me for saying that to you because you always got mad when I brought that subject up. Sorry! I decided this weekend to look through the stack of cards and I couldn't remember at all what the picture on the front of the card was so I started looking through the cards. (I shouldn't have been surprised to find later that it was at the very bottom of the stack-of course!)
   Side note: I remembered this before, but I wanted to write it down. When you were writing your thank-you notes, I asked you to read some of the cards in your "funny" voice, since you were looking through each card to see who sent you a card and we had written how much they gave you in the card. (One way I remember this voice is when you said in it, "I'm a high school graduate.") Anyway, it was funny hearing you read some of those because they said things like you should be proud of what you accomplished, the sky's the limit, etc. and all of that serious-sounding stuff sounded really funny in that voice. Thanks for doing that for me!
   Anyway, as I was looking through the cards to find the one from Jake/Jacob, I was reading some of what the cards said and some of what the people wrote to you. I'm guessing there were about 75 cards. Anyway again, I found it interesting how most of them were gushing about you and how wonderful you were and telling you best wishes in the next chapter of your life, may you follow God's path if they were from someone from church, good luck on your journey, etc. This made me think of when Pastor (Pastor Saxe used this term too) talks about someone's death at church or who he knew was a Christian, that they were "promoted" from this life to Heaven. It seems to me that graduation is the same idea as being promoted-you are completed with one part of your life and changing to another.
   What a privilege then it was for you (though of course no one could have ever realized at the time) to be able to receive notes and letters from your closest friends and family, telling you how great you are and how they wished you the best for your future, etc. Although it wasn't intended for what happened, I noticed that it still applied. I am sure it is not common when someone dies unexpectedly to follow such a crossroads in your life when people are telling you all of those wonderful things, kind of like a "send off". I am so glad that you were able to receive those well wishes and not just us from the sympathy cards after the fact. It's not as sad looking at them now-I actually liked looking at those more than all of the sad sympathy cards. 
   I'm also glad you completed all of your thank you cards in July so all of those people could get a special little handwritten message from you. I saw the one you sent to the Laws on their coffee table a few weeks ago along with some of your senior pictures and the program from your service. I am so glad for your senior year and that we were given time to celebrate you graduation and all that you accomplished. Praise God for that and praise God for you!


  

Senior pictures

I can honestly say that the day we got your senior pictures taken was one of the sweetest days of my life (and I don't mean sweet as cool, but sweet as the true meaning of sweet). I took the day off of work and the morning was a little more stressful than I would have liked because I didn't leave enough time before the appointment to iron all of your clothes, so I was speed-ironing. We had such a pile of clothes for you to wear. We had your suit, varsity jacket, khakis, the blue V-neck, that gray and blue button-down shirt, khaki shorts, pink shorts, white t-shirt with the blue bandana design on the sleeves and the pocket and the blue-checked shirt.
  I don't remember what time the appointment was, but I think it was early in the day, maybe before lunch. When we got there, we talked to Mark Bak, who is super-nice, and got a look at all of his cool backgrounds, props, etc. We started with your yearbook photo and went from there. Next I think was the graffiti wall (where you wrote your name on the wall next to Ethan's name) and then the blue backdrop with the button-down shirt. After that was the varsity jacket shots which were cool with you spinning the ball on your finger.
   For the outdoor shots, I don't remember if we went into his office to talk about it, but we decided on the barn behind his studio just for something different than the typical Mill Pond park shots. You were so agreeable on everything-you really didn't mind how it went. That is the part I remember most-even with choosing the poses, etc. you really didn't care and went with whatever I wanted, not because you were mad and just giving in-because you really were fine with whatever.
   At the end, we went outside and tried the idea that Uncle Dave suggested of you standing with a water polo ball as water was being thrown on you. I think the assistant to Mark was his son and he had the bucket of water and was trying to throw it on you as you were standing there as if you were defiant to the water. The shot didn't work out as planned but it sure was cool trying it.
   This experience came to mind because yesterday Dad and Grandma Elsie stopped by Bak Photography so Dad could show Grandma where to come to order another 5 x 7 that she wanted of you (even though when I placed the original order she said she didn't care what poses she got, so she got the same two that I ordered for Grandma Joonie). Mark took them for a little tour of the studio and showed them the graffiti wall where you wrote your name, etc. When Grandma asked to order a picture, he wouldn't let her pay for it. He did the same thing when Aunt Becky wanted a 5 x 7 of you as well. Dad then ordered some 4 x 6 's of a few shots of you. I was a little annoyed by this, because I didn't want anyone taking advantage of Mark's generosity (he already printed a TON of wallet sizes of you in various poses of you for your funeral at no charge) and I was annoyed that Dad had yet another day off from work to tool around and do "Hayden stuff".
   Although it is not a contest, I then realized how happy I was to be there with you at the actual time of the pictures instead of after the fact yesterday. Even though we couldn't afford all of the pictures we wanted at the time and had to pick and choose and order it in "stages", I definitely got the better end of that deal going through that with you when we you were here instead of after you were gone. Thank you for that day, my dear sweet son!

Up movie quote

This quote stood out to me when they had the Top of the Track movie and showed "Up" (Side note: The group "Strive" from the high school wanted to have a fundraiser for the Hayden M. Smith Memorial Scholarship Fund and asked us to choose one of the movies off of your top 50 list of movies. There were very few PG options, so we chose "Up"-still a great choice though.They set up the local inflatable movie screen at the HS Auxiliary Field and charged $5 admission and sold concessions.) I have seen the movie before but I had never noticed how much it focused on the death of a loved one when Carl lost his wife Ellie. They had a long happy life together but he was still having a hard time with it.
   To make a long story short, the quote I am referring to is this one that Ellie wrote in her adventure book after Carl noticed (by accident) that after the stuff that she had in it from when she was a kid, she added all of the pictures of her and Carl's life together and added at the end: "Thanks for the adventure - Now go have a new one! Love, Ellie." Originally I was thinking that this was like you telling me this, but I just realized today that I could be telling this to you too. (Or us/we as it applies).

P.S. I had a thought later that maybe we could include this on your headstone-that would be extra cool if it was in the same writing that Ellie wrote it in the movie (this is mostly a note to remind myself of this idea).

Hayden Dream

A few weeks after the accident, Hayden visited me in a dream. I was walking up the basement stairs with tears in my eyes, looking down and headed for the side door. (Side note: my bedroom is in the basement and the stairs lead right up to the side door).  I knew Hayden was coming, but I knew he was only going to be coming for a short time, like just for a visit. That was a weird feeling because that has never been the case where he was just visiting since he always lived at home. He came in the door and I just held him from the side, I could feel his trim torso in my arms. He had his arms around me and we just held each other. Then he kissed away my tears.

P.S. I was inspired to record this after reading a post on Facebook about a man who lost his wife and two children in a flood in Texas and then they came to him in a dream. I wish I would have written the date down of the dream but I did not.

P.S. For the other posts, I have written them as if I was writing to Hayden, but for this one I didn't. The reason why is because I don't have to tell him about the dream because he was there.

Death Is Nothing At All-Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It's the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.

Take Heart!

This is to all the moms out there who feel like they always "missed out" on things because they were "stuck" taking care of their children:

This is to the mom who came to many an evening church service, ended up staying in the nursery with only her own children because no other children there, and leaving without anyone even knowing she was there.

This is for the mom who missed her new pastor's ordination service because she knew everyone else in the nursery wanted to go down and see the service and she was worried her child wouldn't be taken care of well by a new volunteer in the nursery who didn't want to be there in the first place.

This is for the mom who went to a morning meeting at someone's house when a missionary was in town and ended up in a bedroom with their own child watching a video because there was no child care set up.

This is for the mom who went to a young married gathering with pretty much the only child at the time and ended up following him around the whole time because he was only one-year-old and she didn't want him to hurt himself or hurt anything in their home.

This is for the mom who stayed home alone with her child from morning til night at a remote farmhouse, barely making ends meet, because she thought it was important to be a stay-at-home mom.

This is for the mom who pumped her breast milk in the bathroom at Art Van to keep her milk up on the long Saturdays when she was away from her son when she was trying to work part-time for her fifth year to be able to get her profit-sharing which helped her family with the down payment on their first home.

This is for the mom who was really bad at directions and drove her son and two other kids in tow to almost every travel baseball game all over the county and beyond before GPS was readily available in a car that she never was quite sure if it would stall out at any given moment (it never did, by the way).

This is for the mom who, when she didn't have her child brush his teeth before he went to bed wouldn't brush hers either so it was "even".

This is for the mom who was looking around at the line of people at her 17-year-old son's visitation and realizing how few of those people she knew because she had spent so much of her time with him and his sister and brother.

This is for the mom who never had her own "life," barely went out with friends, never had time to start a conversation with ladies at church because she was consumed with her child, never forged friendships at social gatherings or family gatherings because she was too "busy" with her child.

You did not "miss" anything! Your time was an investment in your child that pays dividends now! Not only did your time with them benefit them in the shaping of their character and personality, you were spending time with them which is the best investment you can make as a mom in the lives of your children! That is exactly where God intends for mothers to be-with their children as much as possible! Looking back now, I don't regret any of that time! I was thankful I was able to be there for them and for every moment I spent with them and get to spend with them.

Take heart, moms, because guess what-it's worth it!

Hope's poem

A Blur in Time
by Hope Smith

Waking up to tragedy
Made everything feel like a dream,
A blur in time,
An unthinkable thing,
Praying for you
While memories of you came flooding through.

We were there for you,
A strong family that always stuck together
Waiting for news that never seemed better
You fought long and hard,
While strengthening us with your loving heart.

Hayden,
You're the best man I ever knew,
With you, I could never be blue
Days can be hard,
Days can be good,
But you're always in our hearts
You'll live in us through and through

Last text

Last text to Hayden on 8/19/2015 at 3:43 pm
Me:  "Did the rain ruin your plan to mow?
Hayden:  "Yup" and then you added "For now at least"

DJ

Last Thursday night we had dinner with DJ, your favorite translator from your Haiti trip. He had been in the States since the 4th of July so he came to your funeral. (In the guest book, he wrote his name out which is Joseph Didier and then he wrote DJ in parantheses). He was leaving the next day, so we caught him right before he left town.
   He was staying with a young married couple in Monroe, or actually LaSalle. I was excited because it was near Monroe where we went to Sonic the night before your accident. Anyway, we drove and drove because they lived way out in the sticks. When we finally found their house, on a long stretch of road across from a cornfield, Dad knocked on the door and waited a while. We were a few minutes early and then DJ said from an open window that he would be right out. Dad thought we woke him up or something, so we waited for him. He took a while and came out and let the dogs out, etc. He was in no hurry at all even though we had been waiting for about 10 minutes. This reminded me of "Haiti time"** which you told us about and we asked him about that later.
    He got in the car and said we could either go to Monroe Grill or Ruby Tuesday. We ended up going to Ruby Tuesday. He was about Carter's size, small but muscular. We had plenty to talk about-it wasn't awkward at all. We learned that he grew up an orphanage since he was 2. He said he lived with his mom, dad and brother before the orphanage but some doctor/missionaries to Haiti noticed that he was being hurt by his brother and that his dad was abusive as well. One day when his mom was at work, they took him to live with him. Soon, though all Americans had to leave Haiti for some reason (he's 25, so we will have to check what was going on in the country at that time). Anyway, the missionaries felt that he was safer at the orphanage than back at his own home, that's how he ended up there. He said because he was in the orphanage that he attended school and had one meal a day, which was better than what he would have had at home. There was a 38-year-old lady there from America who ran the orphanage (he called her "Mommy") and she spoke English, that is how he learned English.
   She died about a year ago, which really broke him up. He stopped going to church and started to drink, which chased away all of his friends. He even tried to take his own life by drinking a cup of Clorox but, by God's grace, someone was there and had him drink some milk so he could throw up the Clorox. (He referred a lot to God in a lot of what he said, by the way). After this story or maybe before, I asked him if he had any advice about how to deal with grief. He told us that the loved one we lost wouldn't want us to ruin our own lives and that they would want us to go on and do good things. He also told us that he found his real mom soon after "Mommy" died so he lost one mom and got another.
  His relationship with his real mom is ok and he is working with her to decide if he should come back to the States and go to school. (That's why he was up here this summer to check in on classes, etc. but his Visa wouldn't allow it). If he did that though, he said he would miss working with all of the non-profits he works with because he loves to meet people. We asked about his dad and he said he was a very bad man and died by being burned alive.
   We asked if he had any stories to share about you and your time there. He said one thing that stood out is that you never complained-not even once. That says a lot about you considering there were probably a lot of things to complain about, like long truck rides, the heat, carrying the heavy equipment, climbing the mountain, etc. He also said that if there was a choice to do an installation inside a home or outside, you chose the outside one because children would gather when the installation team was outside.
   DJ said that everyone would have time to talk in the evenings and one night he asked the group, and he asked everyone to be honest, if any of them would ever want to come back to Haiti. He said that your hand was the first one up. God bless your sweet heart, Hayden!

**Haiti time: DJ explained that if someone said that they were going to meet you at a certain time, that it meant at least a half an hour past that time or even up to an hour or an hour and a half

   

Susie Fay

Facebook comment on Bill's page day of accident from Susie Fay: "I was one of the cars behind your son, I saw the accident but not what happened. I called 911. I stayed with him until the police and firemen arrived. I am a nurse, I could only feel a light pulse, then he gaged (gagged) and started to breathe. I put paper towels to his head to stop the bleeding, I prayed for your son. I kept telling him help was coming and to hold on. The car behind me was a chaplain, he stayed and I think I saw him pray. The police arrived and knew instantly what to do. God was at that accident site and I think your son will be a miracle! My name is Susan"

Response to comment from Ginny Miller: "Thank you and keep praying"

Response to my comment: "I saw his gym bag next to him and all the balls in the back seat and I know he was a fighter! God can indeed bring good out of bad. He can redeem tragedy with new life. God is still God, hold onto him. I will continue to pray for your son and your family"

From Susie Fay when she heard Hayden died: "Bill I am truly sorry! I felt so much standing next to your son in that car, I can't explain it but I felt love surrounding us. I felt like we were surrounded by angels that's why I'm shocked. I just don't know why but I will trust, because I know God. I will come meet you soon and I will hug you and your family."

Eulogy Letter

Dear Hayden,
It's hard to believe you are actually gone. You were so full of light and life. You packed so much into your day-from water polo to lawn mowing to getting through a TV series on Netflix in record time to working out every day. You had an amazing summer and were able to spend time with so many of your friends. It was hard to keep track of where you were at and who you were with sometimes.
   No matter what kind of mood I was in you could always make me laugh. Always-even when I was determined to stay in a bad mood. I would try not to look at you but it didn't matter-you would get right in my face and not let me past you until I cheered up. Thank you for that.
   Thank you for being a wonderful son. The last time I saw you was when you got home Wednesday night and came into our room to say goodnight, which you didn't always do. I saw the shadow of you in our doorway. I'm sure we said I love you because we always did. I don't know what I would have done differently if I knew that was our last interaction on earth.
   Praise God that you accepted the Lord Jesus as your Savior at a young age. You are with Him now and that's the best place I could ever wish for you to be even though I miss you terribly. Thank you for sharing all of your gifts with the world. Thank you for being a great big brother to Hope and Carter. I will miss you every day of my life but know I will see you again someday. I feel like the luckiest person in this room because I had nine more months with you all to myself. I love you Hayden Milton Smith!

Love,
Mom

Rainbow baby

I just saw something on Facebook today about the term "rainbow baby", a term which I have never heard before: "A rainbow baby is a baby born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison." You were my rainbow baby, Hayden! I miscarried in December, then found out I was pregnant with you soon after (must have been in January or February since you were born in October). I remember someone telling me that I should wait a while before getting pregnant again (at the time she told me this, I was already pregnant with you!) Side note: I think she told me this to give my body time to heal. The lady was an older lady who was a customer of mine when I worked at Art Van who knew I just had a miscarriage. It's amazing to think that you are with that baby now who is your brother or sister! (side note over) Even though some may think it's sad that I only had my rainbow baby for 17 years, 10 months and 3 days, I am thankful for every moment with you. After all, rainbows don't stay in the sky for very long either.  I'm so glad that God put you there so soon after the miscarriage, before I had a chance to get scared that I couldn't have any children, etc. Thank you LORD for my beautiful rainbow baby, Hayden Milton Smith!