You want to know what happiness is?
It's waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heart of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone's shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and involuntarily a grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.
All I can say about this: "Hmmmm..."
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
A choice
Do you think you have a choice in loving someone? The answer will always be...no. Your soul picks who you love and your heart seals the deal. How little a choice we have over such things when your heart knows what it wants and your soul knows when it's real. -N.R. Hart
Quite perfect
If he makes you laugh, kisses your forehead, says he's sorry, makes an effort, holds your hand, works hard, attempts to understand you...then, believe it or not, he's quite perfect.
In love with you
I fell in love with you not knowing what love really was. I stayed in love with you because no one else made me feel the way you did. I still fall in love with you everyday because there's no one I picture my future with other than you.
Two hearts
If two hearts are meant to be together, no matter how long it takes, how far they go, how tough it seems, fate will bring them together to share their love forever.
Beautifully fragile
I've seen this before, but came across it again and shared it with the Lisa's
We are all just a car crash,
a diagnosis,
an unexpected phone call,
a newfound love,
or a broken heart away from becoming a
completely different person.
How beautifully fragile are we
that so many things can
take but a moment
to alter
who we are
for forever?
We are all just a car crash,
a diagnosis,
an unexpected phone call,
a newfound love,
or a broken heart away from becoming a
completely different person.
How beautifully fragile are we
that so many things can
take but a moment
to alter
who we are
for forever?
Reluctant path
I am a mother. A bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won't smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not "get over" my child's death so please don't urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn't standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface. There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child's absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief. Losing my child affects me in many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn't be grieving or that I should or shouldn't "feel better by now." Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me. My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more-hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother's harsh voice toward her young child-or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I've learned, which are simply unanswerable. So please don't tell me that "God has a plan" for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night. Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when "goodbye" means you'll never see them again on this earth again? Grieving mothers-and fathers-and grandparents-and siblings won't wake up one day with everything "okay" and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child's absence, not matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don't forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said. My child may have died, but my love-and my motherhood-never will. -Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won't smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not "get over" my child's death so please don't urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn't standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface. There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child's absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief. Losing my child affects me in many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn't be grieving or that I should or shouldn't "feel better by now." Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me. My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more-hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother's harsh voice toward her young child-or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I've learned, which are simply unanswerable. So please don't tell me that "God has a plan" for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night. Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when "goodbye" means you'll never see them again on this earth again? Grieving mothers-and fathers-and grandparents-and siblings won't wake up one day with everything "okay" and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child's absence, not matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don't forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said. My child may have died, but my love-and my motherhood-never will. -Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
How will you know
I'm trying to wean myself off of these articles since the divorce has been final, but they are sooo good. A good word to describe them: "validating."
From Flying Free website
How Will You Know Your Relationship is Over?
Let's pretend for a minute that your relationship is like a game of tennis. Can you visualize you and your partner on the tennis court? The game has just begun, and the ball is going back and forth. Back and forth.
Once in a while, the ball drops. This represents relationship conflict. Sometimes the ball drops on your side, and sometimes it drops on his side. When it drops on your side, you take the initiative to resolve the conflict. You pick up the ball and try again.
But when the ball falls on his side, and you ask him to pick up the ball and lob it back, he responds with, "Well, it fell because of how you hit the ball. Not my problem. Not my responsibility."
Hmmmm. That's odd. Not really how you've experienced other relationships, but whatever. You want to be cooperative and make this game work, so you walk around to his side of the net AND PICK IT UP FOR HIM. Then you go back to your position to get the ball going again. Because the game matters to you. The relationship is important, and you took your vows seriously.
But life happens. The ball drops again on his side of the court, and once again, he makes no move to pick it up. You make the logical point that if he doesn't pick up the ball, you won't be able to continue the game. He scowls at you and tells you it's your fault and your problem, and if you cared about the game, you'd figure it out. You argue with him because what he just said sounds a little insane, and you wait longer, but he refused to pick up the ball. So you sadly walk over to his side and pick it up. Again. You made a commitment for better or for worse, right? Well, this must be what "worst" means. Bummer.
And this goes on for an entire year. Two years. Five years. You pick up all the balls on your side, and you pick up all the balls on his side. You feel resentful because the entire game is up to you. The responsibility to keep the game going falls completely on your shoulders, and that's a heavy weight to bear.
All the books you read, your church, and your spiritual friends tell you that if your partner won't do it, the godly thing to do is to do it yourself! You CAN keep your relationship alive! Don't let bitterness creep in. Do it with a cheerful heart. Let him off the hook. He's a guy, and guys are not like girls. Be okay with the differences! Get over there and PICK UP THE BALLS! God will give you the power you need to make that man happy! It is your duty as a female, and you will eventually be rewarded with an awesome game.
Besides, your partner is always so happy. Smiling and waving at everyone who passes by. Such a friendly, sweet man. If someone outside the court needs help, he interrupts your game to help them out. He is an incredible human being with a magnanimous heart. Johnny-on-the-spot for everyone. Then he returns to you and requests that you get the balls going because his are oh, so very tired.
Ten years. Fifteen years. Utter exhaustion sets in. Panic, even, as you contemplate doing this with gray hair and crispy bones. The future looks grim.
Now you are stomping around. Complaining. Frantically waving your hands. Frowning. Yelling. Your eyes are bloodshot, and your hair is a tangled rat's nest. You look and sound like hell while he looks happy and rested and helpful to everyone who passes by.
And then this idea hits you. You'll stop picking up the balls. Why not? Everyone already thinks you're a lunatic. Why not see what would happen if you didn't cooperate?
The first ball drops on his side. He looks at you like, "Well, aren't you going to get your tushy over here to pick up the ball?" You stare at him triumphantly, crazily, almost drunk on this strange sense of power, and say, "NO!" He waits. Surely you are bluffing.
But you're not.
Time passes. He looks around uncomfortably and waves at people. The ball remains at his feet. Someone passes by and yells at him, "Hey! The ball is at your feet!" He waves back. "Yup! Got it covered!" They walk away, assuming the problem is taken care of. But it's not. The ball remains quietly lying there.
You sit down on the tennis court pavement and wait. He gets an idea and goes to the back of the court where a huge bin of balls sits. He grabs a brand new ball and lobs it at you. You aren't expecting that, and the ball drops. But at least the game is moving again, so ever (if not insanely) hopeful, you haul yourself up, grab the ball, and lob it back. It falls. You wait.
He leaves the ball on the ground along with the other one, and grabs a second new one from the bin and starts the game again. You play like this for another "pull-your-hair-out-in-frustration" five years until the entire court floor is covered with balls, because you've decided that if he doesn't want to pick up any balls, you're not going to pick them up either. The game grinds to a halt as you both trip and stumble around the balls. No conflict ever resolved.
Stupifyingly enough, it doesn't seem to bother him. He's fine with the ball-covered pavement as long as everyone that passes by thinks he's amazeballs. And they do. After all, look at his long-suffering patience in the face of utter negligence on the part of his wife. He smiles sadly, almost pathetically, and waves a friendly hand at all who pass by.
Meanwhile, you are thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking about how this game never changes. Thinking about the fact that your head hurts from banging it on the same damn wall over and over and over again. Thinking about the fact that this man never picked up a ball in twenty years, and the chances that he will pick one up now are dismally low.
You are thinking.
And then you decide. You're done. You don't want to be done. You've invested twenty years of your life picking up this guy's balls, and you really REALLY wanted it to be worth something. But you know now that you could pick them up for the rest of your life and die an early death, or you could walk off the tennis court and find something else to do with the last remaining days of your life.
So you do. But before you go, you stand by the fence of the court and yell in at your partner, "Hey! I'm leaving now! But if you want to pick up your balls and try again, I'm still open to coming back!"
He looks angrily at you because you talked about his balls that way, and he sullenly chokes out, "WHAT? Look around me! I'm doing my best, but you can't possibly expect me to clean this whole thing up by myself! You made this mess too! Why should I be the one to have to clean it up?!"
You walk away. Your spiritual friends grab you and tell you you're crazy to leave such an amazing man, and what is your freaking problem, anyway? What a QUITTER! You must not know God, and now your kids will go to hell. So you hesitate, worried about these things. You look back at the court where some men are talking in hushed whispers to your partner.
Suddenly you see some movement. What? Is he going to pick up a ball? Seriously? Why, YES! He DOES PICK UP A BALL! It's a miracle! You stare with mouth gaping open as he walks toward you with the ball. He's actually going to take responsibility for something! Maybe there IS hope, after all! They must have convinced him that to play this game, you need to be willing to pick up some balls!
He gets to where you are standing, looks compassionately at you, and says, "See this ball here? It's a real problem. I see that now. I'd like to get rid of it, but I'm pretty sure it's yours."
And that, dear Christian woman, is how you know. It's game over. For really and truly real.
From Flying Free website
How Will You Know Your Relationship is Over?
Let's pretend for a minute that your relationship is like a game of tennis. Can you visualize you and your partner on the tennis court? The game has just begun, and the ball is going back and forth. Back and forth.
Once in a while, the ball drops. This represents relationship conflict. Sometimes the ball drops on your side, and sometimes it drops on his side. When it drops on your side, you take the initiative to resolve the conflict. You pick up the ball and try again.
But when the ball falls on his side, and you ask him to pick up the ball and lob it back, he responds with, "Well, it fell because of how you hit the ball. Not my problem. Not my responsibility."
Hmmmm. That's odd. Not really how you've experienced other relationships, but whatever. You want to be cooperative and make this game work, so you walk around to his side of the net AND PICK IT UP FOR HIM. Then you go back to your position to get the ball going again. Because the game matters to you. The relationship is important, and you took your vows seriously.
But life happens. The ball drops again on his side of the court, and once again, he makes no move to pick it up. You make the logical point that if he doesn't pick up the ball, you won't be able to continue the game. He scowls at you and tells you it's your fault and your problem, and if you cared about the game, you'd figure it out. You argue with him because what he just said sounds a little insane, and you wait longer, but he refused to pick up the ball. So you sadly walk over to his side and pick it up. Again. You made a commitment for better or for worse, right? Well, this must be what "worst" means. Bummer.
And this goes on for an entire year. Two years. Five years. You pick up all the balls on your side, and you pick up all the balls on his side. You feel resentful because the entire game is up to you. The responsibility to keep the game going falls completely on your shoulders, and that's a heavy weight to bear.
All the books you read, your church, and your spiritual friends tell you that if your partner won't do it, the godly thing to do is to do it yourself! You CAN keep your relationship alive! Don't let bitterness creep in. Do it with a cheerful heart. Let him off the hook. He's a guy, and guys are not like girls. Be okay with the differences! Get over there and PICK UP THE BALLS! God will give you the power you need to make that man happy! It is your duty as a female, and you will eventually be rewarded with an awesome game.
Besides, your partner is always so happy. Smiling and waving at everyone who passes by. Such a friendly, sweet man. If someone outside the court needs help, he interrupts your game to help them out. He is an incredible human being with a magnanimous heart. Johnny-on-the-spot for everyone. Then he returns to you and requests that you get the balls going because his are oh, so very tired.
Ten years. Fifteen years. Utter exhaustion sets in. Panic, even, as you contemplate doing this with gray hair and crispy bones. The future looks grim.
Now you are stomping around. Complaining. Frantically waving your hands. Frowning. Yelling. Your eyes are bloodshot, and your hair is a tangled rat's nest. You look and sound like hell while he looks happy and rested and helpful to everyone who passes by.
And then this idea hits you. You'll stop picking up the balls. Why not? Everyone already thinks you're a lunatic. Why not see what would happen if you didn't cooperate?
The first ball drops on his side. He looks at you like, "Well, aren't you going to get your tushy over here to pick up the ball?" You stare at him triumphantly, crazily, almost drunk on this strange sense of power, and say, "NO!" He waits. Surely you are bluffing.
But you're not.
Time passes. He looks around uncomfortably and waves at people. The ball remains at his feet. Someone passes by and yells at him, "Hey! The ball is at your feet!" He waves back. "Yup! Got it covered!" They walk away, assuming the problem is taken care of. But it's not. The ball remains quietly lying there.
You sit down on the tennis court pavement and wait. He gets an idea and goes to the back of the court where a huge bin of balls sits. He grabs a brand new ball and lobs it at you. You aren't expecting that, and the ball drops. But at least the game is moving again, so ever (if not insanely) hopeful, you haul yourself up, grab the ball, and lob it back. It falls. You wait.
He leaves the ball on the ground along with the other one, and grabs a second new one from the bin and starts the game again. You play like this for another "pull-your-hair-out-in-frustration" five years until the entire court floor is covered with balls, because you've decided that if he doesn't want to pick up any balls, you're not going to pick them up either. The game grinds to a halt as you both trip and stumble around the balls. No conflict ever resolved.
Stupifyingly enough, it doesn't seem to bother him. He's fine with the ball-covered pavement as long as everyone that passes by thinks he's amazeballs. And they do. After all, look at his long-suffering patience in the face of utter negligence on the part of his wife. He smiles sadly, almost pathetically, and waves a friendly hand at all who pass by.
Meanwhile, you are thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking about how this game never changes. Thinking about the fact that your head hurts from banging it on the same damn wall over and over and over again. Thinking about the fact that this man never picked up a ball in twenty years, and the chances that he will pick one up now are dismally low.
You are thinking.
And then you decide. You're done. You don't want to be done. You've invested twenty years of your life picking up this guy's balls, and you really REALLY wanted it to be worth something. But you know now that you could pick them up for the rest of your life and die an early death, or you could walk off the tennis court and find something else to do with the last remaining days of your life.
So you do. But before you go, you stand by the fence of the court and yell in at your partner, "Hey! I'm leaving now! But if you want to pick up your balls and try again, I'm still open to coming back!"
He looks angrily at you because you talked about his balls that way, and he sullenly chokes out, "WHAT? Look around me! I'm doing my best, but you can't possibly expect me to clean this whole thing up by myself! You made this mess too! Why should I be the one to have to clean it up?!"
You walk away. Your spiritual friends grab you and tell you you're crazy to leave such an amazing man, and what is your freaking problem, anyway? What a QUITTER! You must not know God, and now your kids will go to hell. So you hesitate, worried about these things. You look back at the court where some men are talking in hushed whispers to your partner.
Suddenly you see some movement. What? Is he going to pick up a ball? Seriously? Why, YES! He DOES PICK UP A BALL! It's a miracle! You stare with mouth gaping open as he walks toward you with the ball. He's actually going to take responsibility for something! Maybe there IS hope, after all! They must have convinced him that to play this game, you need to be willing to pick up some balls!
He gets to where you are standing, looks compassionately at you, and says, "See this ball here? It's a real problem. I see that now. I'd like to get rid of it, but I'm pretty sure it's yours."
And that, dear Christian woman, is how you know. It's game over. For really and truly real.
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Already happened
From Give Her Wings posted by Flying Free
People often say to severely and chronically abused wives, "God can do miracles! Wait and see how he can change your husband! Be patient! Divorcing him shows a lack of faith and love!"
So why don't we say to widows, "God can do miracles! He can raise your husband fro the dead! Be patient! Getting a death certificate and burying him shows a lack of faith and love!"
God can heal a completely shattered marriage or raise the dead, but he doesn't always and doesn't usually. After a reasonable amount of time, effort, and evidence, you can pretty much call it what it is (The End) and do what you need to do. The official papers only acknowledge what has already happened.
Side note: pretty extreme comparison, but in my experience, just as unlikely for either to happen
People often say to severely and chronically abused wives, "God can do miracles! Wait and see how he can change your husband! Be patient! Divorcing him shows a lack of faith and love!"
So why don't we say to widows, "God can do miracles! He can raise your husband fro the dead! Be patient! Getting a death certificate and burying him shows a lack of faith and love!"
God can heal a completely shattered marriage or raise the dead, but he doesn't always and doesn't usually. After a reasonable amount of time, effort, and evidence, you can pretty much call it what it is (The End) and do what you need to do. The official papers only acknowledge what has already happened.
Side note: pretty extreme comparison, but in my experience, just as unlikely for either to happen
Spiritual abuse
Spiritual abuse:
When someone tells you that you don't know God unless you do what they say.
From Flying Free
When someone tells you that you don't know God unless you do what they say.
From Flying Free
Your feelings
I will amend this to "some" men
Men apologizing: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings but if we really think about it it's actually your fault for having feelings in the first place.
Men apologizing: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings but if we really think about it it's actually your fault for having feelings in the first place.
Mistreating
If someone is mistreating you and tells you that they haven't done anything "wrong", listen to them. They are telling you they are going to continue.
Living sacrifices
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Living Sacrifices to God
Romans 12:1
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
Living Sacrifices to God
Romans 12:1
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Wonder why
This makes so much sense
Survivors of psychological abuse wonder why the abuser chronically ruins vacations, holidays and other special life moments. The most common issue centers around a lack of healthy attachment. Toxic people cannot sustain closeness, have limited cooperation skills, and allow their changing moods to ruin what should be good opportunities to create good memories. -Shannon Thomas
Survivors of psychological abuse wonder why the abuser chronically ruins vacations, holidays and other special life moments. The most common issue centers around a lack of healthy attachment. Toxic people cannot sustain closeness, have limited cooperation skills, and allow their changing moods to ruin what should be good opportunities to create good memories. -Shannon Thomas
Not a mistake
God didn't make a mistake when He made you.
You need to see yourself as God sees you.
-Joel Osteen
You need to see yourself as God sees you.
-Joel Osteen
Friday, October 26, 2018
Forgiveness
It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone. I always wondered how could I forgive someone who chose to hurt me? But after a lot of soul searching, I realized that forgiveness isn't about accepting or excusing their behavior...it's about letting it go and preventing their behavior from destroying my heart.
Regardless of how difficult
When you finally meet that someone who tries their hardest to be with you regardless of how difficult you are, stay with them. Stay with them because finding someone who is willing to be with you at all costs doesn't happen every day.
Anxiety and depression
Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hating socializing. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once and then feeling paralyzingly numb.
Do your thing
Don't chase people.
Be an example.
Attract them.
Work hard and be yourself.
The people who belong in your life
will come find you and stay.
Just do your thing.
Be an example.
Attract them.
Work hard and be yourself.
The people who belong in your life
will come find you and stay.
Just do your thing.
War
I don't like the memories because the tears come easily, and once again I break my promise to myself for this day. It's a constant battle , a war between remembering and forgetting.
More than you think
All of your negative feelings towards yourself are inaccurate and everyone actually likes you more than you think.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Burdens
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Galatians 6:2
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
She is you
She looks fear in the face.
Year after year.
Day after day.
But yet, she never runs.
She never hides.
And she always finds
a way to get back up.
She is unbreakable.
She is a warrior.
She is you.
Year after year.
Day after day.
But yet, she never runs.
She never hides.
And she always finds
a way to get back up.
She is unbreakable.
She is a warrior.
She is you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Morning
A good morning text doesn't only mean "good morning." It has a silent loving message that says "I think of you when I wake up."
Leave the table
KNOW YOUR WORTH
You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.
You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.
Find a way
When two people really care about each other, they always find a way to make it work. No matter how hard it is.
Diabolical
From Diane Langberg, Ph.D.
"Spiritual abuse means taking the sacred things of our God, the things of the Spirit in order to harm or deceive another human being...Such a pairing is diabolical. We're talking about the words of God Himself being used to do evil to others."
"Spiritual abuse means taking the sacred things of our God, the things of the Spirit in order to harm or deceive another human being...Such a pairing is diabolical. We're talking about the words of God Himself being used to do evil to others."
Keep them
The one who doesn't tell you
what you want to hear, but
tells you what you need
to hear...
keep them.
Setting boundaries
From Flying Free
Why is setting boundaries difficult to do? We often worry that we are withholding forgiveness and staying resentful. Boundaries have nothing to do with forgiveness or resentment but everything to do with the quality of our interactions with other people.
-Shannon Thomas
Why is setting boundaries difficult to do? We often worry that we are withholding forgiveness and staying resentful. Boundaries have nothing to do with forgiveness or resentment but everything to do with the quality of our interactions with other people.
-Shannon Thomas
Move on
If a man starts ignoring me, I will just quietly move on. No long angry messages to make him "see my worth." No "he won't find someone like me" or "he will regret it." I collect myself and leave. I deserve a love that is sure of me from the beginning.
-Chantelle
-Chantelle
Wait
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 27:14
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 27:14
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Wanted
One of the best feelings is knowing that you're wanted. Knowing that someone wants to talk to you, wants to know how you're doing or wants to see you. Whether they pick up the phone to send you a quick text or stop by your house to catch up, someone or something reminded them of you specifically. It just feels really nice to know that you've been on someone's mind and that they care enough to let you know that.
Our problem
By Bob Goff
Our problem with following Jesus is we're trying to be a better version of us rather than a more accurate reflection of Him.
Our problem with following Jesus is we're trying to be a better version of us rather than a more accurate reflection of Him.
Flying monkey
From Flying Free
I can share with you without hesitation, psychological abusers are using God as a flying monkey. They do this by hurling accusations at the survivor about what God would want, what God thinks, and what God says about the survivor's attitude towards the toxic leader. Abusive church leadership must minimize God to a puppet that can be moved around at will, and it smells of blasphemy to me.
Shannon Thomas, Hidden Abuse
I can share with you without hesitation, psychological abusers are using God as a flying monkey. They do this by hurling accusations at the survivor about what God would want, what God thinks, and what God says about the survivor's attitude towards the toxic leader. Abusive church leadership must minimize God to a puppet that can be moved around at will, and it smells of blasphemy to me.
Shannon Thomas, Hidden Abuse
Happy mom
Hopie sent this to me:
Saw a quote that said: "Your kids don't need a perfect mom. They need a happy one." And I thought more moms should see it.
Saw a quote that said: "Your kids don't need a perfect mom. They need a happy one." And I thought more moms should see it.
Weird habit
And,
she had this weird habit of being herself all the time;
that's why,
not everyone liked her.
she had this weird habit of being herself all the time;
that's why,
not everyone liked her.
A real mom
A Real Mom:
Emotional, yet the rock.
Tired, but keeps on going.
Worried, but full of hope.
Impatient, yet patient.
Overwhelmed, but never quits.
Amazing, even though doubted.
Wonderful, even in the chaos.
Life changer, every single day.
Emotional, yet the rock.
Tired, but keeps on going.
Worried, but full of hope.
Impatient, yet patient.
Overwhelmed, but never quits.
Amazing, even though doubted.
Wonderful, even in the chaos.
Life changer, every single day.
No storm
There is no storm that God won't carry you through.
No bridge that God won't help you cross.
No battle that God won't help you win.
No heartache that God won't help you let go of.
He is so much bigger than anything you will face today!
Leave everything in His hands and embrace this day confidently knowing that
He will take care of you. Amen!
No bridge that God won't help you cross.
No battle that God won't help you win.
No heartache that God won't help you let go of.
He is so much bigger than anything you will face today!
Leave everything in His hands and embrace this day confidently knowing that
He will take care of you. Amen!
Was you
I agree with some of this:
He won't realize it tomorrow, a week from now, a month or even a year from now, no, but he will realize many years down the line what he missed having with you. When he's in an unhappy and loveless relationship, he'll think of you and your unrelenting passion and fire you burned for him. He'll think how you wouldn't allow him to walk all over you, and will begin to admire your stance on standing up for yourself, and recognizing your worth. You see, back then he wasn't ready, mentally or emotionally, to refuel you like you refueled him. He didn't know how to handle your flame so he allowed you to burn out. But believe me, the day will come, when he finds himself thinking how his life got to the point of doing what he thought made others happy, only to realize the one thing that made HIM happy, was you.
He won't realize it tomorrow, a week from now, a month or even a year from now, no, but he will realize many years down the line what he missed having with you. When he's in an unhappy and loveless relationship, he'll think of you and your unrelenting passion and fire you burned for him. He'll think how you wouldn't allow him to walk all over you, and will begin to admire your stance on standing up for yourself, and recognizing your worth. You see, back then he wasn't ready, mentally or emotionally, to refuel you like you refueled him. He didn't know how to handle your flame so he allowed you to burn out. But believe me, the day will come, when he finds himself thinking how his life got to the point of doing what he thought made others happy, only to realize the one thing that made HIM happy, was you.
Victorious
You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed, or unworthy.
You were created to be victorious. Amen!
You were created to be victorious. Amen!
Tough time
You may be in a tough time, but the enemy always fights you the hardest when he knows God has something great in store for you. Amen!
(Just felt like adding the exclamation point there)
(Just felt like adding the exclamation point there)
The secret
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 25:14-15
The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Hi,
And He will show them His covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Psalm 25:14-15
The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Hi,
And He will show them His covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Monday, October 15, 2018
A calm resolve
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 62:1
A Calm Resolve to Wait for the Salvation of God
Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
Psalm 62:1
A Calm Resolve to Wait for the Salvation of God
Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
Do not be conformed
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Romans 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
You are great
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
2 Samuel 7:22
Therefore you are great, O Lord God. For there is none like You, nor is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears.
2 Samuel 7:22
Therefore you are great, O Lord God. For there is none like You, nor is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears.
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Pain travels
Pain travels through family lines until someone is ready to heal it in themselves. By going through the agony of healing you no longer pass the poison chalice onto the generations that follow. It is incredibly important and sacred work.
Stay angry
"Stay angry, little Meg," Mrs. Whatlist whispered. "You will need all your anger now."
-Madeline L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time
-Madeline L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time
Best feelings
One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that someone is happy because of you.
Good woman
Every man needs a good woman in his life. Even if she is just his friend. A good woman adds value to a man's life, no matter what capacity she serves in.
Can't make someone
You can't make someone be ready for what you're ready for, and you're not obligated to wait around for them to make up their mind.
Truth and love
From H.B. Charles Jr.
Truth without love
is brutality.
Love without truth
is hypocrisy.
Truth without love
is brutality.
Love without truth
is hypocrisy.
Lord's counsel
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Proverbs 19:20-21
Listen to counsel and receive instruction
That you may be wise in your latter days.
There are many plans in a man's heart,
Nevertheless the Lord's counsel-that will stand.
Proverbs 19:20-21
Listen to counsel and receive instruction
That you may be wise in your latter days.
There are many plans in a man's heart,
Nevertheless the Lord's counsel-that will stand.
Disapproval of people
From Flying Free website
Tolerate the Disapproval of People-a Lesson from the Ladder out of Hell
This is the second article in a new series called Lessons from the Ladder, I get the title of this series from my original article called Ten Steps Out of Relationship Hell in which I write about the red hot ladder rungs we have to climb if we want to get out of the relationship pit we've been stuck in for so long. The first lesson is "Advocate for Yourself." Today, I'd like to talk about tolerating the disapproval of people.
When someone disapproves of us or something we did or said, it's not comfortable, is it? It feels icky. We feel small, like this woman in the picture hiding in a box. To tolerate the disapproval of others doesn't mean we don't feel bad about it. Of course we feel bad about it. Nobody likes to be scolded, yelled at, told they are stupid or ridiculous or misinformed or ignorant. Negative feedback is always going to sting. Abusive feedback is always going to feel even worse.
The problem for some of us is that when someone disapproves of us, it not only hurts, but we feel that we need to change something about ourselves or about what we believe in order to gain their approval. Another problem is that instead of feeling a sting when someone disapproves, many of us feel an overwhelming and even debilitating sense of shame that paralyzes us in different ways.
If this is something you struggle with, I want you to read this article (and another one like it HERE), because I think there is an opportunity for you to grow in this skill of tolerating disapproval to the point where, yes - it stings, but it doesn't stop you from being YOU and doing YOU.
MY OWN STORY
I was always a "good girl." I followed all the rules including rules that hadn't even been created yet. I always thought everything was either good or bad, and I was definitely on the side of GOOD. I was passionate about everything I believed, and I gave everything I did my 300%. My teachers enjoyed me, and I worked hard to get mostly A's. But I remember one day some bullies in the lunch room told the crabby lunch lady that I said a swear word. (Need I point out that these same bullies were notorious for swearing themselves.)
Now, while I do let one rip here and there as an adult - as a child, I would rather have been thrown into a pit of snakes than spoken a swear word. Swearing was definitely very, very BAD in my book. But the bullies knew this crabby lunch lady didn't know me very well and wouldn't know fact from fiction. (They learned this in bully school."How to Be a Bully 101". It's also taught in a more advanced Bully class entitled "How to Use Projection to Stay Undercover.")
The crabby lunch lady looked at me with a curled lip of disgust and told me to take my lunch tray and sit on the floor facing the nearby wall. I remember going to sit down, my face hot with shame as I struggled to choke back tears of mortification. I can still see the yellow lighting of that room. I can hear the kids snickering. I can smell the soggy sausage pizza. I can see the crabby lunch lady's face as clearly as if it just happened. I don't remember her a whole lot of her details about my childhood, but I remember those fifteen minutes.
That night I drew a pretty picture and wrote "Have a great day" to the lunch lady and gave it to her the next day. She smiled at me. I don't think I ever saw her smile before or after that moment. But I felt much better. I had won her approval back, and that was my goal. I wanted everyone to love me. Even the crabby lunch lady.
Fast forward 40 years, and the bully is my "godly" husband, and the crabby lunch lady is my "godly" church elders. Only this time, instead of 15 minutes of shame against a wall, my entire life is on the line. Why? Because if I'm right, that makes them wrong, and bullies are never wrong. Ever. EVER.
Back in third grade I knew who the bad guys were. It was very clear to me. But things got a bit fuzzy as I grew up, because when I saw sneaky bully behavior from "godly" folks and had the insane audacity to call it out, I was told, "That's NOT sneaky bully behavior - that's GODLY behavior. When you ASSUME that it is sneaky bad behavior, you are actually performing the REAL sneaky bad behavior."
After half a lifetime of that kind of gaslighting, I was almost convinced I must be the lunatic. And I started to act like one sometimes. You know? Have you ever seen a movie where one of the characters knows something, but they can't seem to convince anyone else, so they get a little wacky in their desperation to help others see the reality and gravity of the situation? THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING! FOR REALZ! Well, that's how I felt. I know that's how some of you feel too.
(You are not crazy, by the way. I believe you.)
An interesting phenomenon occurs when you believe that someone needs to believe you, and it's your job to convince them. The more you work to convince them, the less they believe you. It's kind of a donkey-style behavior, but whatever. That's the way it is.
But here's the other thing I noticed. There were several other people I told outside of my religious circles, and they did believe me. I didn't have to argue or write up lengthy descriptions or try to prove I wasn't lying. These were people who had known me my whole life. They knew my character. They trusted me. Plus - BONUS: they didn't have an invested interest in keeping me, as a woman of faith, in a chronic state of powerlessness and confusion. You know. The way the devil does.
Still. STILL. I thought I needed the permission and approval of my religious authorities before I made any decisions for my future. Religious authorities who had just met me and knew nothing more about me other than what my abusive husband told them (hello) and what they observed of me waving my hands and choking to death and basically freaking out in total fear of losing everything including my kids and my sanity. And also their approval.
Yeah, I wasn't super good at tolerating disapproval. Eventually I had no choice. It was either buckle under their religious pressure and follow their orders or get excommunicated (more about what ultimately happened to me HERE). You know what finally convinced me that it would be an honor to be excommunicated by these men? Their behavior wasn't like Jesus Christ. They lied. They ignored. They demeaned. They mocked. They spoke words that didn't match their behavior. And they sided with the devil in my life. They reminded me of the Pharisees, laying heavy burdens on others (particularly women), making much of the letter of the law while ignoring the spirit of love.
Clanging gongs and noise cymbals.
I asked myself, "Why, oh why so you care so much about what these power-over men think of you? They are unable to trust the Holy Spirit to work in your life. They grasp to exercise power-over others, and they gnash their teeth when others slip away. This is not the spirit of Jesus. This is the spirit of anti-Jesus. Who are you loyal to, anyway?"
Did I really want these people to be my people? I decided that no, I did not.
The rest is history, and I've happily moved on. So that's my story. Now let's break this down:
WHAT DOES IT MEAN-TO TOLERATE DISAPPROVAL?
According to the EQ Edge, there are fifteen emotional intelligence skills. One of those skills is INDEPENDENCE. Here is the author's definition of independence:
"Independence is the ability to be self-directed and self-controlled in your thinking and actions and to be free of emotional dependency. Independent people are self-reliant in planning and making important decisions. They can stand on their own two feet. They may, however, seek and consider other people's opinions before making the right decision for themselves in the end; consulting others is not necessarily a sign of dependency. Independent people are able to function autonomously-they avoid clinging to others in order to satisfy their emotional needs. The ability to be independent rests on one's degree of self-confidence and inner strength, and the desire to meet expectations and obligations without becoming a slave to them.
It means taking charge of your own life, being your own person, and seeking your own direction. People who crave acceptance at any cost and are scared stiff of giving the slightest offense have grave difficulty exercising independence. You must be prepared to adopt a course of action, having first justified it in your own mind, then deal with the possibility that other people will disagree with you. So be it. You must also respect their need for independence, and give them the same amount of rope."
Tolerating disapproval is an adulting skill. Women of faith, in particular, struggle with this because we've been brainwashed to believe that good Christian women need to be nice, quiet, peace-keepers. Women need to let men make the decisions for them. Women are glorified children, able to take care of other children, make food, and clean house, but otherwise not able to handle decision-making responsibilities beyond that sphere.
Women are not allowed to be independent.
Let me be clear: independence in this context is NOT doing whatever you want without regard to the people you are in community with. It isn't walking all over others in order to do what is best for you, alone. Independence is simply having healthy boundaries. It's understanding what is your responsibility and what is someone else's responsibility-and it's taking responsibility for YOU. It doesn't matter who you are or what your gender is. If you are an adult, it's important to develop this emotional intelligence skill as well as model it for your children and grandchildren.
There may be people in your life who don't want you to grow up. They have an invested interest in keeping you under their control. They want to make decisions on your behalf. They want to be the moral authority in your life. They want to call the shots. They need to work on the emotional intelligence skill of INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS (characterized by the ability to both give and take). They need to work on letting go of their power and control over others and respect the boundaries and autonomy of others as separate human beings from them.
But while they are working on that (we can only hope-but that's their business), YOU can be working on taking back control and responsibility of YOUR life. That's YOUR business.
When you are first attempting to set healthy boundaries and take back responsibility for the life God gave to you, there will be many people who disapprove of your movement in this direction. You will either learn how to tolerate (make friends with) this uncomfortable treatment, learning how to sit with it and let it run its course, or you will buckle under their pressure and fall back under their power and control over your life.
WHY DOES DISAPPROVAL FEEL SO PAINFUL?
I've been watching different shows on Netflix recently that delve into the psyche's of the characters involved: Bate's Motel, Maniac, and Mindhunters. One of the common threads I've noticed if that every dysfunctional character-and even those who are just average folks-have experienced rejection and shame during their formative years. So instead of being comfortable in their own skin, they split into two different "selfs." One is their ideal self-a perfect, right, smart, savvy self who is accepted by others, and the other one is their "bad" self-ugly, makes mistakes, is stupid and wrong and rejected by others.
Some are so filled with shame and pain and deep rage that they kill others who threaten to expose their "bad" self. Others just fall into depression and lose all interest in living.
Because this world is desperately broken, most of us grew up in imperfect homes. Maybe we grew up always feeling like we never quite measured up, so we had to do whatever we could to win the approval and acceptance of our parents or our peers. Maybe we were shamed when we expressed a need or a hurt, so we learned that to have needs or to feel pain made us bad. This, in turn, caused us to hide our real self and put forward a pretend self that others would approve of.
Every human being is wired with a need for connection. A need to belong. If our family or religious group threatens to disconnect from us, we can feel threatened in the very core of our being. We either try to be perfect and maintain control over our environment and the people in our lives, or we just give up and float down the river, letting others control us. Or maybe we let drugs, food, alcohol, or sex control us.
Either way, we lose ourselves. And that's not really living, right?
I remember reading a book many years ago called When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch. I knew I had a problem with that. Some of you might remember when my blog was called Visionary Womanhood, and I wrote a lot about Max Lucado's Wemmicks-the little wooden folks who lived in Wemmickville beneath the loving watch of their creator, the Woodcarver.
I thought these stories helped me keep "people" and "God" in perspective, but I still didn't fully grasp just how deep my problem was. I could intellectually see it, and I wanted to fix it. I loved Jesus. I wanted ONLY to care what HE thought. But I didn't know how to connect what I knew in my head with I really, truly understood in my heart. Plus, I was still under the influence of teachers who told me what God wanted was what THEY SAID He wanted. (So convenient for these power-hungry folks. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just tell THEM that God was going to tell you what was best for them from now on? Yeah, I don't think that would go over very well. But insanely enough, they cannot understand how the same treatment of you is also out of line. I don't get it. Do you? Power-over is cray cray, people. Think Hitler and Stalin for illustrations of how power-over gets taken to its logical conclusion.)
The more shame we have deep inside-shame we have not dealt with-the more painful disapproval will be. The less we will be able to handle it. Conversely, if we have done some work in dealing with the shame from our past, we will experience disapproval as a blip on the radar screen, but not a debilitating experience that triggers a bunch of painful shame.
So disapproval feels more painful the greater our inner shame. We will get back to how to strike a blow at this root of shame in a minute.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE UNABLE TO TOLERATE DISAPPROVAL?
1. If we cannot handle the pain when a person or a group of people disapproves of us, we will end up making decisions out of a strong desire to avoid this pain, and that's not a healthy, responsible way to make decisions.
2. We will do whatever others tell us to do. I remember jumping through every single hoop my church leaders held up for me. Why? Because I hoped for an "Atta Girl? Good job! We approve! We will support you and love you now!" Hogwash. That's not support. That's manipulation. Hoops are what dog trainers use, and we are not dogs.
3. We disrespect ourselves. We place ourselves at the whims and opinions and fickle choices of other
human beings-every one of whom has a different viewpoint and opinion of what we "ought to do" according to them. (They will TELL us it's according to God. Because they're convinced they are God's probation officers.) We throw ourselves under the bus in the vain hope of meeting their current criteria for being a "godly woman." If they move the bar, and they will, we must be prepared to move accordingly to avoid future disapproval.
4. We miss out on the opportunity to stretch and grow our adult muscles and our adult faith. Just like exercise keeps us in good shape and helps us stay healthy and mobile into old age, so taking personal responsibility for our own lives and decisions by walking our own faith walk with Jesus also keeps us in good mental, spiritual, and emotional shape so we can continue to grow in our faith and reliance on Jesus Christ.
5. We stay stuck in unhealthy ways of relating to other people.
6. We model poor boundaries for the next generation, enabling them to also continue in the same old dysfunctional cycles.
THE BENEFITS TO TOLERATING THE DISAPPROVAL OF OTHERS
1. We gradually overcome our fear of being human and making mistakes. We accept our limitations as God's creation and find rest and meaning in just being ourselves, without grasping for god-like perfection or power.
2. We stop judging others, and we become a safe haven of love and support for people. This is what Jesus modeled for us, and it comes easier when we stop judging ourselves by the criteria others hold up to us.
3. We take our eyes off people and we refocus our attention on Jesus. People are the wild waves that go up and down in a tumultuous and chaotic storm of opinion. Jesus is our Rock. Steady and faithful and always there. Always loving. Never giving and withholding depending on our behavior or our success or our failure or our strengths or our weaknesses. Ah...sweet peace in Him.
4. We get creative! We learn how to ask God for wisdom, and we try out new ideas and new ways of looking at old problems. We stop hitting our head against the same resistant wall, and we start to make actual, measurable progress.
5. We lose people who aren't good for us to begin with. This opens up space in our lives for new relationships that are healthier.
HOW DO WE TOLERATE DISAPPROVAL?
1. We turn our eyes to Jesus Christ and we get our focus off the stormy waves of human opinion, including human opinion that quotes Bible verses. Remember Satan quoted God in the garden and when he tempted Jesus in the wilderness, and he continues to use the Bible to manipulate people today. Whenever someone uses Bible verses to control, shame, manipulate, and power-over others, they are blaspheming God and imitating the devil. Ignore them. They aren't Jesus.
2. Immerse yourself in the gospel of Jesus Christ. You are fully loved and accepted in Him. He is not people, and people are not Jesus.
3. You can't trust people with everything. Jesus didn't (John 2:24).
4. Certainly get the input of those who have earned your trust, but at the end of the day, you make your own decision.
5. Understand that it is normal and human to make mistakes. Accept your humanness.
6. Deal with the shame in your life.
THE ANSWER TO OUR SHAME
Many religious people use their "righteous behavior" as a cover up for their shame. You can always spot a shame-based person by how they treat others who believe differently or do things differently than they do, and religious people are notorious for having an "us vs. them" mentality. The "good people vs. the bad people." The "obedient people vs. the disobedient people." Of course, the rules are different depending on what denomination you're in.
Instead of relying on the blood of Jesus Christ to cover us, we rely on our rule-keeping. And we always feel better about ourselves when we can look at others and say, "They don't keep the rules like I do. I'm good. They aren't as good."
It's trying to be like God. But that's the original sin! Human beings are limited. To accept that is healthy. Of course we will make mistakes. Of course we will be wrong. We aren't God. We need help. It's okay. In fact, it's not only okay, it's GOOD that we accept our humanness and rest in the love of our Savior. Trying and trying and trying to be a good girl is NOT RESTING. And when religious people say "Oh yes-REST" while whipping you with their criticism and manipulation and control, they are not being honest with you or with themselves.
Healthy relationships require an ability to be vulnerable with another person. To accept their "whole self" and for them to accept your "whole self." The awesome parts and the not-so-awesome parts.
You can only tolerate the disapproval of others if you know, really know, that you are 100% approved of by God-and you are fully engaged in the reality of your own humanness. When you accept this truth. When you live this truth. When you walk in this reality.
This is the true gospel, and this is what ultimately set you free. This is what set me free. I had rested in God's love for me as a child, but I lost sight of His love in the forest of religiosity for many years. It took getting kicked out of that forest (thank GOD!) for me to finally rest in my weakness and His strength. In my need and His love. In my poverty and His inheritance.
I pray this for you as well.
Tolerate the Disapproval of People-a Lesson from the Ladder out of Hell
This is the second article in a new series called Lessons from the Ladder, I get the title of this series from my original article called Ten Steps Out of Relationship Hell in which I write about the red hot ladder rungs we have to climb if we want to get out of the relationship pit we've been stuck in for so long. The first lesson is "Advocate for Yourself." Today, I'd like to talk about tolerating the disapproval of people.
When someone disapproves of us or something we did or said, it's not comfortable, is it? It feels icky. We feel small, like this woman in the picture hiding in a box. To tolerate the disapproval of others doesn't mean we don't feel bad about it. Of course we feel bad about it. Nobody likes to be scolded, yelled at, told they are stupid or ridiculous or misinformed or ignorant. Negative feedback is always going to sting. Abusive feedback is always going to feel even worse.
The problem for some of us is that when someone disapproves of us, it not only hurts, but we feel that we need to change something about ourselves or about what we believe in order to gain their approval. Another problem is that instead of feeling a sting when someone disapproves, many of us feel an overwhelming and even debilitating sense of shame that paralyzes us in different ways.
If this is something you struggle with, I want you to read this article (and another one like it HERE), because I think there is an opportunity for you to grow in this skill of tolerating disapproval to the point where, yes - it stings, but it doesn't stop you from being YOU and doing YOU.
MY OWN STORY
I was always a "good girl." I followed all the rules including rules that hadn't even been created yet. I always thought everything was either good or bad, and I was definitely on the side of GOOD. I was passionate about everything I believed, and I gave everything I did my 300%. My teachers enjoyed me, and I worked hard to get mostly A's. But I remember one day some bullies in the lunch room told the crabby lunch lady that I said a swear word. (Need I point out that these same bullies were notorious for swearing themselves.)
Now, while I do let one rip here and there as an adult - as a child, I would rather have been thrown into a pit of snakes than spoken a swear word. Swearing was definitely very, very BAD in my book. But the bullies knew this crabby lunch lady didn't know me very well and wouldn't know fact from fiction. (They learned this in bully school."How to Be a Bully 101". It's also taught in a more advanced Bully class entitled "How to Use Projection to Stay Undercover.")
The crabby lunch lady looked at me with a curled lip of disgust and told me to take my lunch tray and sit on the floor facing the nearby wall. I remember going to sit down, my face hot with shame as I struggled to choke back tears of mortification. I can still see the yellow lighting of that room. I can hear the kids snickering. I can smell the soggy sausage pizza. I can see the crabby lunch lady's face as clearly as if it just happened. I don't remember her a whole lot of her details about my childhood, but I remember those fifteen minutes.
That night I drew a pretty picture and wrote "Have a great day" to the lunch lady and gave it to her the next day. She smiled at me. I don't think I ever saw her smile before or after that moment. But I felt much better. I had won her approval back, and that was my goal. I wanted everyone to love me. Even the crabby lunch lady.
Fast forward 40 years, and the bully is my "godly" husband, and the crabby lunch lady is my "godly" church elders. Only this time, instead of 15 minutes of shame against a wall, my entire life is on the line. Why? Because if I'm right, that makes them wrong, and bullies are never wrong. Ever. EVER.
Back in third grade I knew who the bad guys were. It was very clear to me. But things got a bit fuzzy as I grew up, because when I saw sneaky bully behavior from "godly" folks and had the insane audacity to call it out, I was told, "That's NOT sneaky bully behavior - that's GODLY behavior. When you ASSUME that it is sneaky bad behavior, you are actually performing the REAL sneaky bad behavior."
After half a lifetime of that kind of gaslighting, I was almost convinced I must be the lunatic. And I started to act like one sometimes. You know? Have you ever seen a movie where one of the characters knows something, but they can't seem to convince anyone else, so they get a little wacky in their desperation to help others see the reality and gravity of the situation? THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING! FOR REALZ! Well, that's how I felt. I know that's how some of you feel too.
(You are not crazy, by the way. I believe you.)
An interesting phenomenon occurs when you believe that someone needs to believe you, and it's your job to convince them. The more you work to convince them, the less they believe you. It's kind of a donkey-style behavior, but whatever. That's the way it is.
But here's the other thing I noticed. There were several other people I told outside of my religious circles, and they did believe me. I didn't have to argue or write up lengthy descriptions or try to prove I wasn't lying. These were people who had known me my whole life. They knew my character. They trusted me. Plus - BONUS: they didn't have an invested interest in keeping me, as a woman of faith, in a chronic state of powerlessness and confusion. You know. The way the devil does.
Still. STILL. I thought I needed the permission and approval of my religious authorities before I made any decisions for my future. Religious authorities who had just met me and knew nothing more about me other than what my abusive husband told them (hello) and what they observed of me waving my hands and choking to death and basically freaking out in total fear of losing everything including my kids and my sanity. And also their approval.
Yeah, I wasn't super good at tolerating disapproval. Eventually I had no choice. It was either buckle under their religious pressure and follow their orders or get excommunicated (more about what ultimately happened to me HERE). You know what finally convinced me that it would be an honor to be excommunicated by these men? Their behavior wasn't like Jesus Christ. They lied. They ignored. They demeaned. They mocked. They spoke words that didn't match their behavior. And they sided with the devil in my life. They reminded me of the Pharisees, laying heavy burdens on others (particularly women), making much of the letter of the law while ignoring the spirit of love.
Clanging gongs and noise cymbals.
I asked myself, "Why, oh why so you care so much about what these power-over men think of you? They are unable to trust the Holy Spirit to work in your life. They grasp to exercise power-over others, and they gnash their teeth when others slip away. This is not the spirit of Jesus. This is the spirit of anti-Jesus. Who are you loyal to, anyway?"
Did I really want these people to be my people? I decided that no, I did not.
The rest is history, and I've happily moved on. So that's my story. Now let's break this down:
WHAT DOES IT MEAN-TO TOLERATE DISAPPROVAL?
According to the EQ Edge, there are fifteen emotional intelligence skills. One of those skills is INDEPENDENCE. Here is the author's definition of independence:
"Independence is the ability to be self-directed and self-controlled in your thinking and actions and to be free of emotional dependency. Independent people are self-reliant in planning and making important decisions. They can stand on their own two feet. They may, however, seek and consider other people's opinions before making the right decision for themselves in the end; consulting others is not necessarily a sign of dependency. Independent people are able to function autonomously-they avoid clinging to others in order to satisfy their emotional needs. The ability to be independent rests on one's degree of self-confidence and inner strength, and the desire to meet expectations and obligations without becoming a slave to them.
It means taking charge of your own life, being your own person, and seeking your own direction. People who crave acceptance at any cost and are scared stiff of giving the slightest offense have grave difficulty exercising independence. You must be prepared to adopt a course of action, having first justified it in your own mind, then deal with the possibility that other people will disagree with you. So be it. You must also respect their need for independence, and give them the same amount of rope."
Tolerating disapproval is an adulting skill. Women of faith, in particular, struggle with this because we've been brainwashed to believe that good Christian women need to be nice, quiet, peace-keepers. Women need to let men make the decisions for them. Women are glorified children, able to take care of other children, make food, and clean house, but otherwise not able to handle decision-making responsibilities beyond that sphere.
Women are not allowed to be independent.
Let me be clear: independence in this context is NOT doing whatever you want without regard to the people you are in community with. It isn't walking all over others in order to do what is best for you, alone. Independence is simply having healthy boundaries. It's understanding what is your responsibility and what is someone else's responsibility-and it's taking responsibility for YOU. It doesn't matter who you are or what your gender is. If you are an adult, it's important to develop this emotional intelligence skill as well as model it for your children and grandchildren.
There may be people in your life who don't want you to grow up. They have an invested interest in keeping you under their control. They want to make decisions on your behalf. They want to be the moral authority in your life. They want to call the shots. They need to work on the emotional intelligence skill of INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS (characterized by the ability to both give and take). They need to work on letting go of their power and control over others and respect the boundaries and autonomy of others as separate human beings from them.
But while they are working on that (we can only hope-but that's their business), YOU can be working on taking back control and responsibility of YOUR life. That's YOUR business.
When you are first attempting to set healthy boundaries and take back responsibility for the life God gave to you, there will be many people who disapprove of your movement in this direction. You will either learn how to tolerate (make friends with) this uncomfortable treatment, learning how to sit with it and let it run its course, or you will buckle under their pressure and fall back under their power and control over your life.
WHY DOES DISAPPROVAL FEEL SO PAINFUL?
I've been watching different shows on Netflix recently that delve into the psyche's of the characters involved: Bate's Motel, Maniac, and Mindhunters. One of the common threads I've noticed if that every dysfunctional character-and even those who are just average folks-have experienced rejection and shame during their formative years. So instead of being comfortable in their own skin, they split into two different "selfs." One is their ideal self-a perfect, right, smart, savvy self who is accepted by others, and the other one is their "bad" self-ugly, makes mistakes, is stupid and wrong and rejected by others.
Some are so filled with shame and pain and deep rage that they kill others who threaten to expose their "bad" self. Others just fall into depression and lose all interest in living.
Because this world is desperately broken, most of us grew up in imperfect homes. Maybe we grew up always feeling like we never quite measured up, so we had to do whatever we could to win the approval and acceptance of our parents or our peers. Maybe we were shamed when we expressed a need or a hurt, so we learned that to have needs or to feel pain made us bad. This, in turn, caused us to hide our real self and put forward a pretend self that others would approve of.
Every human being is wired with a need for connection. A need to belong. If our family or religious group threatens to disconnect from us, we can feel threatened in the very core of our being. We either try to be perfect and maintain control over our environment and the people in our lives, or we just give up and float down the river, letting others control us. Or maybe we let drugs, food, alcohol, or sex control us.
Either way, we lose ourselves. And that's not really living, right?
I remember reading a book many years ago called When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch. I knew I had a problem with that. Some of you might remember when my blog was called Visionary Womanhood, and I wrote a lot about Max Lucado's Wemmicks-the little wooden folks who lived in Wemmickville beneath the loving watch of their creator, the Woodcarver.
I thought these stories helped me keep "people" and "God" in perspective, but I still didn't fully grasp just how deep my problem was. I could intellectually see it, and I wanted to fix it. I loved Jesus. I wanted ONLY to care what HE thought. But I didn't know how to connect what I knew in my head with I really, truly understood in my heart. Plus, I was still under the influence of teachers who told me what God wanted was what THEY SAID He wanted. (So convenient for these power-hungry folks. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just tell THEM that God was going to tell you what was best for them from now on? Yeah, I don't think that would go over very well. But insanely enough, they cannot understand how the same treatment of you is also out of line. I don't get it. Do you? Power-over is cray cray, people. Think Hitler and Stalin for illustrations of how power-over gets taken to its logical conclusion.)
The more shame we have deep inside-shame we have not dealt with-the more painful disapproval will be. The less we will be able to handle it. Conversely, if we have done some work in dealing with the shame from our past, we will experience disapproval as a blip on the radar screen, but not a debilitating experience that triggers a bunch of painful shame.
So disapproval feels more painful the greater our inner shame. We will get back to how to strike a blow at this root of shame in a minute.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE UNABLE TO TOLERATE DISAPPROVAL?
1. If we cannot handle the pain when a person or a group of people disapproves of us, we will end up making decisions out of a strong desire to avoid this pain, and that's not a healthy, responsible way to make decisions.
2. We will do whatever others tell us to do. I remember jumping through every single hoop my church leaders held up for me. Why? Because I hoped for an "Atta Girl? Good job! We approve! We will support you and love you now!" Hogwash. That's not support. That's manipulation. Hoops are what dog trainers use, and we are not dogs.
3. We disrespect ourselves. We place ourselves at the whims and opinions and fickle choices of other
human beings-every one of whom has a different viewpoint and opinion of what we "ought to do" according to them. (They will TELL us it's according to God. Because they're convinced they are God's probation officers.) We throw ourselves under the bus in the vain hope of meeting their current criteria for being a "godly woman." If they move the bar, and they will, we must be prepared to move accordingly to avoid future disapproval.
4. We miss out on the opportunity to stretch and grow our adult muscles and our adult faith. Just like exercise keeps us in good shape and helps us stay healthy and mobile into old age, so taking personal responsibility for our own lives and decisions by walking our own faith walk with Jesus also keeps us in good mental, spiritual, and emotional shape so we can continue to grow in our faith and reliance on Jesus Christ.
5. We stay stuck in unhealthy ways of relating to other people.
6. We model poor boundaries for the next generation, enabling them to also continue in the same old dysfunctional cycles.
THE BENEFITS TO TOLERATING THE DISAPPROVAL OF OTHERS
1. We gradually overcome our fear of being human and making mistakes. We accept our limitations as God's creation and find rest and meaning in just being ourselves, without grasping for god-like perfection or power.
2. We stop judging others, and we become a safe haven of love and support for people. This is what Jesus modeled for us, and it comes easier when we stop judging ourselves by the criteria others hold up to us.
3. We take our eyes off people and we refocus our attention on Jesus. People are the wild waves that go up and down in a tumultuous and chaotic storm of opinion. Jesus is our Rock. Steady and faithful and always there. Always loving. Never giving and withholding depending on our behavior or our success or our failure or our strengths or our weaknesses. Ah...sweet peace in Him.
4. We get creative! We learn how to ask God for wisdom, and we try out new ideas and new ways of looking at old problems. We stop hitting our head against the same resistant wall, and we start to make actual, measurable progress.
5. We lose people who aren't good for us to begin with. This opens up space in our lives for new relationships that are healthier.
HOW DO WE TOLERATE DISAPPROVAL?
1. We turn our eyes to Jesus Christ and we get our focus off the stormy waves of human opinion, including human opinion that quotes Bible verses. Remember Satan quoted God in the garden and when he tempted Jesus in the wilderness, and he continues to use the Bible to manipulate people today. Whenever someone uses Bible verses to control, shame, manipulate, and power-over others, they are blaspheming God and imitating the devil. Ignore them. They aren't Jesus.
2. Immerse yourself in the gospel of Jesus Christ. You are fully loved and accepted in Him. He is not people, and people are not Jesus.
3. You can't trust people with everything. Jesus didn't (John 2:24).
4. Certainly get the input of those who have earned your trust, but at the end of the day, you make your own decision.
5. Understand that it is normal and human to make mistakes. Accept your humanness.
6. Deal with the shame in your life.
THE ANSWER TO OUR SHAME
Many religious people use their "righteous behavior" as a cover up for their shame. You can always spot a shame-based person by how they treat others who believe differently or do things differently than they do, and religious people are notorious for having an "us vs. them" mentality. The "good people vs. the bad people." The "obedient people vs. the disobedient people." Of course, the rules are different depending on what denomination you're in.
Instead of relying on the blood of Jesus Christ to cover us, we rely on our rule-keeping. And we always feel better about ourselves when we can look at others and say, "They don't keep the rules like I do. I'm good. They aren't as good."
It's trying to be like God. But that's the original sin! Human beings are limited. To accept that is healthy. Of course we will make mistakes. Of course we will be wrong. We aren't God. We need help. It's okay. In fact, it's not only okay, it's GOOD that we accept our humanness and rest in the love of our Savior. Trying and trying and trying to be a good girl is NOT RESTING. And when religious people say "Oh yes-REST" while whipping you with their criticism and manipulation and control, they are not being honest with you or with themselves.
Healthy relationships require an ability to be vulnerable with another person. To accept their "whole self" and for them to accept your "whole self." The awesome parts and the not-so-awesome parts.
You can only tolerate the disapproval of others if you know, really know, that you are 100% approved of by God-and you are fully engaged in the reality of your own humanness. When you accept this truth. When you live this truth. When you walk in this reality.
This is the true gospel, and this is what ultimately set you free. This is what set me free. I had rested in God's love for me as a child, but I lost sight of His love in the forest of religiosity for many years. It took getting kicked out of that forest (thank GOD!) for me to finally rest in my weakness and His strength. In my need and His love. In my poverty and His inheritance.
I pray this for you as well.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Self-care
From Flying Free website
Take Care of Yourself - a Lesson from the Ladder out of Hell
"Self-care is so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel." Eleanor Brown
Recently a friend of mine shared some feedback she had received on a product she created that encouraged women to not only love and serve others but to balance that out with taking care of themselves. The feedback went something like this: "I don't think American moms need any more encouragement toward selfish behaviors like 'me-time.' We care for ourselves when we are others-focused. This is the work to which Jesus has called us."
That sounds spiritual, doesn't it?
There are three myths this woman believes about self-care.
Myth One: Self-Care is Selfish
Is this true? That depends. If all we are doing in life is going to the spa and eating bon bons in front of Netflix, then maybe we need to do a little tweaking on our life purpose. Maybe this woman runs in some really selfish circles, but I personally don't know anyone who lives like this.
The truth is that self-care in and of itself isn't selfish. Is it selfish to eat? Is it selfish to sleep? Is it selfish to read a book in a quiet room? To the contrary, it's healthy to do all those things, and without peaceful activities people burn out and lose their power and effectiveness in serving others. We don't want to be a fireworks display that gives everything in a few moments of glory and then dies down completely spent.
We want to be more like a slow-burning camp fire that we carefully feed in order to bring light and warmth throughout an extended period of time. We want to spend our entire lives doing the work God calls us to do. This is a marathon, and we need to pace ourselves and take care of ourselves so we can run it faithfully.
So this assertion that self-care is selfish is not accurate. Self-care is necessary to serving others.
Myth Two: We Take Care of Ourselves by Taking Care of Others
This is the exact opposite of the truth.
We cannot be others-focused unless we have first taken responsibility for ourselves. We serve out of the overflow of our emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. This assumes we love, accept, and care for ourselves. It assumes our self-regard is rooted in God's regard for us through Christ. It also implies that if we don't love ourselves well, we cannot love our neighbor well.
If we can't connect with and accept who God made us to be, how can we accept ourselves through Christ is the degree to which we truly love and accept others.
When someone is critical and judgmental toward others, I believe they struggle with their own shame and lack of self-awareness. It is this self-awareness that gives us the ability to be aware of the inner worlds of others so we can offer them empathy and love in spite of their weakness and failure.
So the truth here is that when we care for ourselves, we are better able to authentically connect and care for others.
Myth Three: Jesus Calls Us to Not Take Care of Ourselves
Sounds spiritual (I mean, if JESUS said so...?)
Where is Jesus calling us to do this? We cannot lay down our lives if we don't have a life to lay down in the first place. If what she's saying is true, Jesus disobeyed Himself when He got away to spend time with His Heavenly Father and rejuvenate. And what was he doing the first thirty years of His life? Why wasn't He in the ministry? Was he just wasting His life in a carpenter shop? And how do we know when we are others-focused enough?
Do you see how this works-based religious belief system sounds really pretty on the outside, but it puts a tremendous burden on people to burn out in order to be viewed as spiritual and obedient?
"The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses' seat, so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. They do all their deeds to be seen by others." (Matthew 23:2-5)
What if the truth is a little more common sense than that? There are religious people who promote a power-over theology that places women in the role of Cinderella, but our goal is not to be the best Cinderella we can be. Our goal is to bring honor to Christ in how we steward the lives and gifts He's given to us.
There will be always be people who want to use us, and meeting their demands will take us away from our true work. If we believe we are subservient to the whims of human beings, we will never learn to apply wisdom to each demand and select the ones that are in alignment with God's calling on our lives.
When we say "no" to something, we are saying "yes" to something with a higher priority at that moment in time. Once again, it's absolutely necessary that we take care of our own homes and yards. This is the essence of self-care.
So many emotional abuse survivors are burnt out. They don't believe they are worth taking care of. When we take steps to care for our bodies and minds and spirits, it rewires our faulty brain thinking from the lie that "I am worth nothing" to the truth that "I am precious and valuable to me Heavenly Father and to this world He put me in."
I've watched many women begin to respect and care for their bodies, their minds, their time, and their resources, and when they do this, they begin to blossom. They give themselves the freedom to find places of peace and rest in their live-places God Himself has given them because He is a good God who loves them. When they are in this balanced place, they experience far more productivity.
If you've been immersed in an environment that shames you every time you take action to protect and take care of yourself, you will have a hard time with this at first. It might even feel scary. But try it. Here are some simple, practical suggestions to get you started:
Use your imagination. Create a special place in your mind where the real you can go when you are being attacked. Mine is a place by a stream. It's quiet except for the sounds of a breeze rustling leaves, the friendly chirp of birds, the hum of insects, and the sound of bubbling water skipping over small rocks. There are some big trees by the side of my stream, and under one is a large rock on which two people can easily sit. Jesus is there, waiting for me. I sit next to Him and lean on His shoulder. It's quiet, and I rest in His presence.
Use your posture. Get on your knees and put your face to the floor. Pray for a couple of minutes. Give your burden to Him. "Father, I can't do this. I can't do this. I give it to you. Take it from my shoulders, and do something beautiful with it." Then stand in power pose in front of the mirror and say out loud, "I am a daughter of God and in Him I am safe and loved!"
Use your resources. Do you have a bath tub large enough to soak in? Soak. Do you have a view from your backyard? Sit out there and rest. Is there a park nearby where you can walk? Go walk it. Do you have finances to purchase a massage here and there? Do it. Try relaxing and strengthening stretching exercises-there are loads of YouTube videos to teach you how.
Use your focusing abilities. Breathe deeply and slowly. Notice your surroundings. The sounds you hear. The colors you see. The temperature of the air. The way a blanket feels on your skin.
Use your journal. Jot down two or three lovely things you noticed today.A cardinal on a tree branch. Something adorable your child said. The look of an old man on a bench. There are a million treasures to experience, but because abuse survivors are always on edge, trying to survive, they often miss the beautiful and normal things in life.
Use your mentorship skills. Speak truthful encouragement out loud to yourself. "This too will pass." "I will get through this." "I'm doing my best." "I can learn from my mistakes." "This is not my problem." "I am enough just as I am."
Use your story-telling skills. Remember that God writes long stories. Your story isn't finished. What's the plot? What's the plot twist? Who are the main characters, and how will your character change and grow through the telling of the story? Spend some time thinking through your story and even writing it all down. The process of writing will engage your body and brain and help you process your history and bring some resolution and closure.
Use your time. Take a short vacation. One hour. One day. One week. Whatever you can afford. Watch a movie. Eat popcorn. Go out with a friend. Listen to beautiful music while laying under the stars. Curl up with a glass of wine or some hot chocolate and a good book. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Do whatever relaxes and rejuvenates your body, mind, and spirit.
I was talking today with a woman who had been taking care of everyone else her entire life, and she had no idea how to take care of herself. I encouraged her to make a list of the things she has always done to care for others and then look at the list and pull out some things she can do to take care of herself.
Self-care is far from selfish. It is taking care of yourself so you can go from merely surviving life to thriving in life. And when you are thriving, you'll be in a great place to love others well.
Take Care of Yourself - a Lesson from the Ladder out of Hell
"Self-care is so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel." Eleanor Brown
Recently a friend of mine shared some feedback she had received on a product she created that encouraged women to not only love and serve others but to balance that out with taking care of themselves. The feedback went something like this: "I don't think American moms need any more encouragement toward selfish behaviors like 'me-time.' We care for ourselves when we are others-focused. This is the work to which Jesus has called us."
That sounds spiritual, doesn't it?
There are three myths this woman believes about self-care.
Myth One: Self-Care is Selfish
Is this true? That depends. If all we are doing in life is going to the spa and eating bon bons in front of Netflix, then maybe we need to do a little tweaking on our life purpose. Maybe this woman runs in some really selfish circles, but I personally don't know anyone who lives like this.
The truth is that self-care in and of itself isn't selfish. Is it selfish to eat? Is it selfish to sleep? Is it selfish to read a book in a quiet room? To the contrary, it's healthy to do all those things, and without peaceful activities people burn out and lose their power and effectiveness in serving others. We don't want to be a fireworks display that gives everything in a few moments of glory and then dies down completely spent.
We want to be more like a slow-burning camp fire that we carefully feed in order to bring light and warmth throughout an extended period of time. We want to spend our entire lives doing the work God calls us to do. This is a marathon, and we need to pace ourselves and take care of ourselves so we can run it faithfully.
So this assertion that self-care is selfish is not accurate. Self-care is necessary to serving others.
Myth Two: We Take Care of Ourselves by Taking Care of Others
This is the exact opposite of the truth.
We cannot be others-focused unless we have first taken responsibility for ourselves. We serve out of the overflow of our emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. This assumes we love, accept, and care for ourselves. It assumes our self-regard is rooted in God's regard for us through Christ. It also implies that if we don't love ourselves well, we cannot love our neighbor well.
If we can't connect with and accept who God made us to be, how can we accept ourselves through Christ is the degree to which we truly love and accept others.
When someone is critical and judgmental toward others, I believe they struggle with their own shame and lack of self-awareness. It is this self-awareness that gives us the ability to be aware of the inner worlds of others so we can offer them empathy and love in spite of their weakness and failure.
So the truth here is that when we care for ourselves, we are better able to authentically connect and care for others.
Myth Three: Jesus Calls Us to Not Take Care of Ourselves
Sounds spiritual (I mean, if JESUS said so...?)
Where is Jesus calling us to do this? We cannot lay down our lives if we don't have a life to lay down in the first place. If what she's saying is true, Jesus disobeyed Himself when He got away to spend time with His Heavenly Father and rejuvenate. And what was he doing the first thirty years of His life? Why wasn't He in the ministry? Was he just wasting His life in a carpenter shop? And how do we know when we are others-focused enough?
Do you see how this works-based religious belief system sounds really pretty on the outside, but it puts a tremendous burden on people to burn out in order to be viewed as spiritual and obedient?
"The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses' seat, so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. They do all their deeds to be seen by others." (Matthew 23:2-5)
What if the truth is a little more common sense than that? There are religious people who promote a power-over theology that places women in the role of Cinderella, but our goal is not to be the best Cinderella we can be. Our goal is to bring honor to Christ in how we steward the lives and gifts He's given to us.
There will be always be people who want to use us, and meeting their demands will take us away from our true work. If we believe we are subservient to the whims of human beings, we will never learn to apply wisdom to each demand and select the ones that are in alignment with God's calling on our lives.
When we say "no" to something, we are saying "yes" to something with a higher priority at that moment in time. Once again, it's absolutely necessary that we take care of our own homes and yards. This is the essence of self-care.
So many emotional abuse survivors are burnt out. They don't believe they are worth taking care of. When we take steps to care for our bodies and minds and spirits, it rewires our faulty brain thinking from the lie that "I am worth nothing" to the truth that "I am precious and valuable to me Heavenly Father and to this world He put me in."
I've watched many women begin to respect and care for their bodies, their minds, their time, and their resources, and when they do this, they begin to blossom. They give themselves the freedom to find places of peace and rest in their live-places God Himself has given them because He is a good God who loves them. When they are in this balanced place, they experience far more productivity.
If you've been immersed in an environment that shames you every time you take action to protect and take care of yourself, you will have a hard time with this at first. It might even feel scary. But try it. Here are some simple, practical suggestions to get you started:
Use your imagination. Create a special place in your mind where the real you can go when you are being attacked. Mine is a place by a stream. It's quiet except for the sounds of a breeze rustling leaves, the friendly chirp of birds, the hum of insects, and the sound of bubbling water skipping over small rocks. There are some big trees by the side of my stream, and under one is a large rock on which two people can easily sit. Jesus is there, waiting for me. I sit next to Him and lean on His shoulder. It's quiet, and I rest in His presence.
Use your posture. Get on your knees and put your face to the floor. Pray for a couple of minutes. Give your burden to Him. "Father, I can't do this. I can't do this. I give it to you. Take it from my shoulders, and do something beautiful with it." Then stand in power pose in front of the mirror and say out loud, "I am a daughter of God and in Him I am safe and loved!"
Use your resources. Do you have a bath tub large enough to soak in? Soak. Do you have a view from your backyard? Sit out there and rest. Is there a park nearby where you can walk? Go walk it. Do you have finances to purchase a massage here and there? Do it. Try relaxing and strengthening stretching exercises-there are loads of YouTube videos to teach you how.
Use your focusing abilities. Breathe deeply and slowly. Notice your surroundings. The sounds you hear. The colors you see. The temperature of the air. The way a blanket feels on your skin.
Use your journal. Jot down two or three lovely things you noticed today.A cardinal on a tree branch. Something adorable your child said. The look of an old man on a bench. There are a million treasures to experience, but because abuse survivors are always on edge, trying to survive, they often miss the beautiful and normal things in life.
Use your mentorship skills. Speak truthful encouragement out loud to yourself. "This too will pass." "I will get through this." "I'm doing my best." "I can learn from my mistakes." "This is not my problem." "I am enough just as I am."
Use your story-telling skills. Remember that God writes long stories. Your story isn't finished. What's the plot? What's the plot twist? Who are the main characters, and how will your character change and grow through the telling of the story? Spend some time thinking through your story and even writing it all down. The process of writing will engage your body and brain and help you process your history and bring some resolution and closure.
Use your time. Take a short vacation. One hour. One day. One week. Whatever you can afford. Watch a movie. Eat popcorn. Go out with a friend. Listen to beautiful music while laying under the stars. Curl up with a glass of wine or some hot chocolate and a good book. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Do whatever relaxes and rejuvenates your body, mind, and spirit.
I was talking today with a woman who had been taking care of everyone else her entire life, and she had no idea how to take care of herself. I encouraged her to make a list of the things she has always done to care for others and then look at the list and pull out some things she can do to take care of herself.
Self-care is far from selfish. It is taking care of yourself so you can go from merely surviving life to thriving in life. And when you are thriving, you'll be in a great place to love others well.
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Narcissist's Creed
That didn't happen.
But if it did, it wasn't so bad.
But if it was, it's all in your head.
But if it is, that's not my fault.
But if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, YOU DESERVED IT.
But if it did, it wasn't so bad.
But if it was, it's all in your head.
But if it is, that's not my fault.
But if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, YOU DESERVED IT.
Letter from a narcissist
Letter from a Narcissist
I have to warn you. Before we start, you should run. Don't look back. Forget you ever met me. I will break your heart. I will feel no remorse. I will fall fast and hard for you. I will love you to the point of exhaustion. I will make your family and friends love me. I will give you hope for a perfect future. I will speak of marriage and kids.
I will get bored. I will lose interest in your touch, your words, your life. I will pull away without any explanation. You will try to remind me of the good days. I will have already moved on. You will defend me to your family and friends. I will pretend I have never met them. I will not stop until you hate me more than you ever loved me.
Like I said, run. But you won't. You think you can fix me. You're wrong.
I have to warn you. Before we start, you should run. Don't look back. Forget you ever met me. I will break your heart. I will feel no remorse. I will fall fast and hard for you. I will love you to the point of exhaustion. I will make your family and friends love me. I will give you hope for a perfect future. I will speak of marriage and kids.
I will get bored. I will lose interest in your touch, your words, your life. I will pull away without any explanation. You will try to remind me of the good days. I will have already moved on. You will defend me to your family and friends. I will pretend I have never met them. I will not stop until you hate me more than you ever loved me.
Like I said, run. But you won't. You think you can fix me. You're wrong.
Truly love us
By Shannon Thomas
People that truly love us are aware and concerned about our happiness in life. People that are self-centered want us around to make them happy.
People that truly love us are aware and concerned about our happiness in life. People that are self-centered want us around to make them happy.
Be strong
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you
Be strong and courageous
Do not be afraid, so not
be discouraged,
for the Lord your
God will be with you
wherever you go.
Have I not commanded you
Be strong and courageous
Do not be afraid, so not
be discouraged,
for the Lord your
God will be with you
wherever you go.
Tactic
On Flying Free FB page
A toxic person knows if they hurl accusations at a survivor, those words will pierce deep. They cause the survivor to look inward to reflect on whether the complaints against them are true. Quite the clever diversion tactic.
A toxic person knows if they hurl accusations at a survivor, those words will pierce deep. They cause the survivor to look inward to reflect on whether the complaints against them are true. Quite the clever diversion tactic.
She realized
She realized she could no longer carry the weight of other people's expectation or the responsibility for their happiness.
She realized she could decide to be at peace herself. And she could care for herself well.
She practiced listening and loving and also setting healthy boundaries.
She stopped wearing things to make herself look slimmer or hipper and began to wear laughter and curiosity instead.
She grew happy.
(Kind of sad when I saw where this came from- "Rebranding Middle Age")
She realized she could decide to be at peace herself. And she could care for herself well.
She practiced listening and loving and also setting healthy boundaries.
She stopped wearing things to make herself look slimmer or hipper and began to wear laughter and curiosity instead.
She grew happy.
(Kind of sad when I saw where this came from- "Rebranding Middle Age")
Monday, October 8, 2018
I am
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Isaiah 43:11-12
I, even I, am the Lord,
And besides Me there is no savior.
I have declared and saved,
I have proclaimed,
And there was no foreign god among you;
Therefore you are My witnesses,
Says the Lord, "that I am God."
Isaiah 43:11-12
I, even I, am the Lord,
And besides Me there is no savior.
I have declared and saved,
I have proclaimed,
And there was no foreign god among you;
Therefore you are My witnesses,
Says the Lord, "that I am God."
Other people
When other people treat you poorly, keep being you. Don't ever let someone else's bitterness change the person you are.
Do not boast
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Proverbs 27:1
My Son, Be Wise
Do not boast about tomorrow,
For you do not know what a day may bring forth.
Proverbs 27:1
My Son, Be Wise
Do not boast about tomorrow,
For you do not know what a day may bring forth.
Seek
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Isaiah 55:6
Seek the Lord while He may be found
Call upon Him while He is near.
Isaiah 55:6
Seek the Lord while He may be found
Call upon Him while He is near.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Treated her better
One day, you're going to wake up and realize that you should have treated her better.
Whose daughter
On the darkest days, when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy, I remember whose daughter I am and I straighten my crown.
Keep shining
Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you.
Their opinions aren't your problems.
You stay kind, commited to love and
free in your authenticity.
No matter what they do or say,
don't doubt your worth or the
beauty of your truth.
Just keep shining
like you always do.
Scott Stabile
Ruined
By Jason Kynge
We are all ruined in some way,
wait for the one who sees the beauty in the fall
and art in broken pieces.
We are all ruined in some way,
wait for the one who sees the beauty in the fall
and art in broken pieces.
Cancel
Let go of people who dull your shine, poison your spirit, and bring you drama.
Cancel your subscription to their issues.
Cancel your subscription to their issues.
What he deserved
I didn't wish him all the best, because that would be a lie, but I didn't wish him all the worst either. I simply wished him whatever it was he deserved. Now whether he deserved good things or bad things, was none of my business-that was between him, and karma.
Priority peace
I am at a place in life where peace is a priority. I deliberately avoid certain people to protect my mental, emotional and spiritual state.
Most pathetic
The most pathetic feeling is when you get in a fight with someone because you expressed what made you upset and instead of apologizing they find a way to make you feel bad about it so you're left with regretting even saying anything at all
Always stay
Let them miss you. Sometimes when you're always available, they take you for granted because they think you'll always stay.
My son
I loved you before I met you
I felt every move you made
You changed my life in a big way
And the best possible way
You're the bone of my bone
And the blood of my blood
You grew right under my heart
And in it
You're my son
I felt every move you made
You changed my life in a big way
And the best possible way
You're the bone of my bone
And the blood of my blood
You grew right under my heart
And in it
You're my son
Remain calm
By Catherine Pulsifer
One of the best lessons you can learn in life is how to master how to remain calm.
One of the best lessons you can learn in life is how to master how to remain calm.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Intelligence
I'm attracted to intelligence.
Don't get me wrong, a perfectly crafted body will certainly get my attention, but I'll get bored with it. I always do. I need you to outsmart me. Make me feel like I could learn with you, grow with you.
Do that and you can have me forever.
-A.R. Lucas
Don't get me wrong, a perfectly crafted body will certainly get my attention, but I'll get bored with it. I always do. I need you to outsmart me. Make me feel like I could learn with you, grow with you.
Do that and you can have me forever.
-A.R. Lucas
Don't really care
Do you ever feel the need to ask someone if they actually still want you in their life because it always feels like they don't really care.
Toss it away
If you give someone everything and they toss it away like nothing, something inside of you gets thrown away too. Your willingness to trust.
Anxiety is lying
You are not stupid.
You are not ugly.
You are not worthless.
You are not weak.
You are not a burden.
Your anxiety is lying to you.
You are not ugly.
You are not worthless.
You are not weak.
You are not a burden.
Your anxiety is lying to you.
Heavenly inheritance
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Peter 1:3
A Heavenly Inheritance
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
1 Peter 1:3
A Heavenly Inheritance
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
Persecute
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Matthew 5:11-12
Blessed are they when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:11-12
Blessed are they when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Fear of man
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Proverbs 29:25
The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.
Proverbs 29:25
The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.
Monday, October 1, 2018
Her best life
Right now, she's just living her best life. She's focused on herself. She's falling in love with who she is. She's excited about where she's headed, and she's excited about what's next. She has so many goals, so many dreams, so much ambition, and she's constantly finding new passions. She's learning to be spontaneous. She's learning to take risks. And she's constantly stepping outside of her comfort zone. You see-right now, she's just chasing the things that make her happy. She's chasing the things that feed her soul. And to be honest with you-she could care less about what anybody else is doing. She could care less about what anybody else thinks. Because right now, her life is filled with so much peace. So much light. So much growth. So much faith. And so much hope. And right now, she's just living her best life-and there's absolutely nothing, or no one that can get in the way of that.
The best gift
The best gift a man can give a woman is his time; his attention, his love, his protection, his trust and his support. I think when a woman knows that she truly has a man in her corner in a positive capacity, it is much easier for her to bring her guard down to love again. Most women don't have the best track record when it comes to trusting men. Most women have been through their own share of abuse whether it be on a physical, emotional or verbal level. To be honest, sometimes a good man will scare a good woman because he'll come off too good to be true. She'll look for his flaws first, before she can truly appreciate what makes him flawless in her eyes. When a woman meets a man who is ready to give her the love she deserves, it will scare her at first; and then it will leave her feeling completely at peace.
Fire
There's fire in her.
If loved correctly she will warm your entire home.
If abused, she will burn it down.
If loved correctly she will warm your entire home.
If abused, she will burn it down.
Believe in magic
Quote from Roald Dahl:
He said, "Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
He said, "Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)