This is an interesting article. Some of the little kid stuff doesn't apply anymore, but there are some great truths about God. It's written by Amanda Conquers.
There is an old Indian proverb: Children tie the feet of their mother.
And if you are a mom, you might know this to be true.
The slowing down starts with your swollen belly, duck-waddle walk, sleep deprivation from peeing in the middle of the night every hour and a half like clockwork and things like heartburn, shortness of breath, and calves that seem to have swallowed ankles whole.
It continues with a labor and delivery that rarely goes as planned. And no matter how that baby comes into this world, it leaves a warrior's mark on your body. You will be a woman who hunkered down, who pushed through, who thought she couldn't, who with much pain and sacrifice (and maybe even collar-grasping and screaming into your husband's ear) brought life into this world. And when they lay that fresh-skinned baby on your chest for the first time, you will never be the same.
Mom.Warrior. Sacrifice-Maker. Nourisher. Boo-boo kisser. Taxi-car driver. Expert snuggler. Storybook reader. Silly-song singer.
That baby will wrap himself around your heart and your legs, and you will never be the same.
Children tie the feet of their mother.
And then there are those moments when you are making your way towards the McDonald's drive-thru because your day just seems to need an easy button. In that feeling of guilt for not making the PB&J on whole wheat bread, the apple slices and the carrot sticks, your 4-year-old glances up at the big blue sky as though he's seeing it for the first time and asks, "Is that where Jesus lives, Mommy?"
If you don't live slow enough, tied-up in the wonder of those small years you could almost miss it.
Holiness.
Yes.
In that moment.
And you tell your little one how Jesus lives in your heart when you ask Him to. And maybe, without missing a beat, your baby will stop and pray, "Jesus, I want you to live in my heart." And just like that, in the midst of your mundane, God invades that moment, and it is Holy.
I know a man in the Bible who walked with a limp.
Jacob - whose name meant one who fights for his own way - wrestled God one night. God touched his thigh and changed his name. With a limp, Jacob became Israel - God Prevails. Because the only way to live like God prevails is to lean on Him.
Children might tie your feet. You have to make more sacrifices of your time and your dreams and your way than you thought possible. You may feel inadequate, not-good-enough, like you yell too much and you don't keep the house clean enough.
You might feel like you limp as a mother.
But that is the place God prevails.
Lean, Momma. Lean on Him at the hospital when confusion clamors, and it's not going how you envisioned. Lean on Him when that baby is up all hours of the night. Lean on Him when your toddler has peed on the floor for the fifth time in one day. Lean on Him when your little one is screaming because he's shoved a Tic-Tac up his nose. Lean on Him when you discover things like rashes or ticks or fevers. Lean.
You might feel tied up, but you are wrapped up in the abundance of God's Grace.
And that place of spills and kisses? It's Holy Ground.
If I could say one things to the young momma behind me: Your feet are tied up for a reason.
Walk slowly.
The years are precious and fleeting and littered with the gifts of His grace. Let those babies tie you up with their chubby arms around your neck. Know that your kids don't need you to be perfect, and they don't actually need Pinterest-inspired anything.
And, Momma, it's okay if you limp.
Because you are leaning on Jesus, your kids don't see your limp; they see Jesus walking with you.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2017
Why bother
Lately I've been questioning everything, even my own beliefs, thanks to Pastor. I've never felt like this before, but I'm wondering why I try so hard to do the right thing, etc. It's not making a difference to anyone. In fact, it's causing me heartache. It seems like it would be so easy to just walk away from my marriage or let Bill go. Haven't I put up with enough? What is the point of continuing to suffer? And being bashed by Pastor? Why do I have to do all the changing? What does Bill have to do?
I'm also not sure how I feel about what happened with Katrina. Why isn't Steve being punished too? He played a part in the deceit. Or is it because he is repentant of it? I don't know. I just don't know how I feel about her being targeted more than him. Maybe he made some mistakes as well. How was he trying to save his marriage by going along with the divorce? I don't get it.
I also don't like how I am treated at work. Like an idiot. I make mistakes sometimes. I can't always explain what happened or what I was thinking, but I fix my mistakes when I make them. I'm not setting out to screw things up or anything. I've been here for six years. I pretty much know what I am doing.
Also, why am I working out and watching what I eat? I'm not losing any weight. I'm still wearing the same pants size. I still look like a blimp in pictures. It's hard work and it hurts. And now I've backslid from missing last week. It's weird how everything just teeters. One slip-up and it's hard to get back to where you were. And then I think, what was so great about where I was or where I am anyway? It could always be worse, I know. But it could be better too.
And then Hope had that little dig about how clean the Judges' house is. I'm sorry-they hire people to clean it and it's a ton bigger. I shouldn't have to be compared to them or anyone else. I work so hard on everything-cleaning, laundry, my job, my health, taking care of my kids, everything. Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to show for it or one slip-up, and someone is there to point and criticize.
Back to Pastor, I don't appreciate how he gives an example of a microphone being in my house and what if everything was broadcast. Is that how everyone needs to live their life? Like they're on stage? There's such a thing as privacy. People get upset, etc., say the wrong thing. It just feels like everyone else can do whatever they want except me. Am I held to a higher standard? Did I make my standard higher? I try to stay humble but I know how great I can be (almost said "I am" but felt weird saying that). Does that intimidate people? I know how I was jealous of Jennifer Lewis. But she's just being herself. She doesn't try to be better, she just is. Is that how I am? I don't know.
I'm also not sure how I feel about what happened with Katrina. Why isn't Steve being punished too? He played a part in the deceit. Or is it because he is repentant of it? I don't know. I just don't know how I feel about her being targeted more than him. Maybe he made some mistakes as well. How was he trying to save his marriage by going along with the divorce? I don't get it.
I also don't like how I am treated at work. Like an idiot. I make mistakes sometimes. I can't always explain what happened or what I was thinking, but I fix my mistakes when I make them. I'm not setting out to screw things up or anything. I've been here for six years. I pretty much know what I am doing.
Also, why am I working out and watching what I eat? I'm not losing any weight. I'm still wearing the same pants size. I still look like a blimp in pictures. It's hard work and it hurts. And now I've backslid from missing last week. It's weird how everything just teeters. One slip-up and it's hard to get back to where you were. And then I think, what was so great about where I was or where I am anyway? It could always be worse, I know. But it could be better too.
And then Hope had that little dig about how clean the Judges' house is. I'm sorry-they hire people to clean it and it's a ton bigger. I shouldn't have to be compared to them or anyone else. I work so hard on everything-cleaning, laundry, my job, my health, taking care of my kids, everything. Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to show for it or one slip-up, and someone is there to point and criticize.
Back to Pastor, I don't appreciate how he gives an example of a microphone being in my house and what if everything was broadcast. Is that how everyone needs to live their life? Like they're on stage? There's such a thing as privacy. People get upset, etc., say the wrong thing. It just feels like everyone else can do whatever they want except me. Am I held to a higher standard? Did I make my standard higher? I try to stay humble but I know how great I can be (almost said "I am" but felt weird saying that). Does that intimidate people? I know how I was jealous of Jennifer Lewis. But she's just being herself. She doesn't try to be better, she just is. Is that how I am? I don't know.
Heaven is for real
I read this book and thought I had notes from it, but I guess not. It's an amazing story. It's about a little boy who has a close call with death and has a visit to heaven. He meets people there, like his dad's grandfather whom he never met on earth and a sister who died before he was born (it was a miscarriage).
(I'm surprised I didn't write about this before-there is so much in the story. Maybe it's under another title. Anyway, I will check later).
I've wanted to see the movie for a while (it came out in April 2014) and came across it the other night on TV. It was about half an hour in. The things that stood out the most (that made me cry) were some scenes with one of the members of the congregation (Colton's father was a pastor) who lost her son in war, and a painting of Jesus that a young girl painted who also said she had a vision of heaven. I will focus on the mother who lost her son and then the painting.
The mother who lost her son had a problem with the pastor, and he didn't know what it was for a while. She didn't like him talking about heaven so much and he finally found out why when he went to visit her son's grave and she came while he was there. I guess he was a frequent visitor to his grave. He asked her why she was upset with him and she shared how she didn't understand how the prayers for his son were answered and he "came back" when her son still died.
The pastor didn't have an answer (that's a very hard question), so he asked her if she loved her son. She said yes. She asked if she thought he loved his son. She said yes. He asked her if he loved his son more than she loved her son. She said no. He then asked if she thought God loved his son more than her son. That made me cry. In the scene too, she had some orchids for her son's grave, and at the end of the movie when she was playing the piano in church, she saw him in the crowd, holding the orchid.
(Before I forget, a song that was sung/played in the movie was Come Thou Fount which I tie to you a lot these days).
For the painting part, Colton said he saw Jesus in heaven, but when he saw pictures of Jesus, he said He didn't look like any of them. One thing he said is that all the pictures on earth have Him with dark eyes, but Jesus' eyes are light, like blue-green. This bothered his dad, so he kept doing research on it.
One time, the dad came across a story on the internet about a girl in another country who said she had a vision of Jesus. She was an artist and painted a picture of what Jesus looked like. When Colton saw the picture, he told his dad that it was what Jesus looked like. The focused in on that picture at the end of the movie and it made me cry how beautiful He was.
That was a very healing movie and I had a dream about you that night which I will record later. Love you!
(I'm surprised I didn't write about this before-there is so much in the story. Maybe it's under another title. Anyway, I will check later).
I've wanted to see the movie for a while (it came out in April 2014) and came across it the other night on TV. It was about half an hour in. The things that stood out the most (that made me cry) were some scenes with one of the members of the congregation (Colton's father was a pastor) who lost her son in war, and a painting of Jesus that a young girl painted who also said she had a vision of heaven. I will focus on the mother who lost her son and then the painting.
The mother who lost her son had a problem with the pastor, and he didn't know what it was for a while. She didn't like him talking about heaven so much and he finally found out why when he went to visit her son's grave and she came while he was there. I guess he was a frequent visitor to his grave. He asked her why she was upset with him and she shared how she didn't understand how the prayers for his son were answered and he "came back" when her son still died.
The pastor didn't have an answer (that's a very hard question), so he asked her if she loved her son. She said yes. She asked if she thought he loved his son. She said yes. He asked her if he loved his son more than she loved her son. She said no. He then asked if she thought God loved his son more than her son. That made me cry. In the scene too, she had some orchids for her son's grave, and at the end of the movie when she was playing the piano in church, she saw him in the crowd, holding the orchid.
(Before I forget, a song that was sung/played in the movie was Come Thou Fount which I tie to you a lot these days).
For the painting part, Colton said he saw Jesus in heaven, but when he saw pictures of Jesus, he said He didn't look like any of them. One thing he said is that all the pictures on earth have Him with dark eyes, but Jesus' eyes are light, like blue-green. This bothered his dad, so he kept doing research on it.
One time, the dad came across a story on the internet about a girl in another country who said she had a vision of Jesus. She was an artist and painted a picture of what Jesus looked like. When Colton saw the picture, he told his dad that it was what Jesus looked like. The focused in on that picture at the end of the movie and it made me cry how beautiful He was.
That was a very healing movie and I had a dream about you that night which I will record later. Love you!
Friday, January 27, 2017
Rudeness
Good to remember:
Never respond to rudeness. When people are rude to you, they reveal who they are, not who you are. Don't take it personally.
Note to God
I forgot how much I liked this song. It's by Charice and I just added her recently to my Pandora station.
Note to God
If I wrote a note to God
I would speak what's in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end for peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say
I'd say give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love 'cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No, no
We can't do it on our own!
So, so
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love 'cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No, no
We can't do it on our own!
So, so
If I wrote a note to God
Storyteller on radio
The other day at the last minute I decided to go to McDonald's for lunch (not usually a good decision), and I was flipping stations on the radio. One song caught my ear and after listening to it for a minute, I realized it was that Storyteller song. I haven't heard that for so long! Jaime sent it to me soon after your accident and it so reminds me of you.
Hope loves that song too. I told her later on that night that I heard it and she played it on her phone and we sang along to it. Thank you for that!
Hope loves that song too. I told her later on that night that I heard it and she played it on her phone and we sang along to it. Thank you for that!
Rain
When I was watching Trump's inauguration speech last week, Franklin Graham (Billy Graham's son) came up to do a Bible reading and give the Gospel message to America, which brought tears to my eyes. Anyway, it started to rain and he told President Trump that rain is a sign of God's blessing. That reminded me of how it started to rain at your funeral when everyone came outside and your casket was put in the hearse. It was actually amazing timing, because if it happened any other time, nobody would have noticed it. It was such a light rain. It was beautiful. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of Hayden!
You're Not There
This song came on the radio when I was in the car the other night. It seems like the perspective of it is a man losing his mom, but there are parts of it that make me think of our situation.
You're Not There
by Lukas Graham
I only got you in my stories
And you know I tell them right
I remember you and I, when I'm awake at night
So give it up for fallen glory
I never got to say goodbye
I wish I could ask you for just a bit more time
Every step I take, you used to lead the way
Now I'm terrified to face it on my own
You're not there
To celebrate the man that you made
You're not there
To share in my success and mistakes
Is it fair?
You'll never know the person I'll be
You're not there
With me
Though I know that you're not there
I still write you all these songs
It's like you got the right to know what's going on
As I struggle to remember how you used to look and sound
At times I still think I can spot you in the crowd
Every step I take, you used to lead the way
And now I'm terrified to face it on my own
You're not there
To celebrate the man that you made
You're not there
To share in my success and mistakes
Is it fair?
You'll never know the person I'll be
You're not there
With me
Time can heal your wounds if you're strong and standing tall
I've been doing all of that, it didn't help at all
They say, "You'll grow older, and it'll get better still."
Yes, I will, but no, it won't
They don't get it, 'cause
You're not there
To celebrate the man that you made
You're not there
To share in my success and mistakes
Is it fair?
You'll never know the person I'll be
You're not there
With me
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Shattered-Part Six
Part Six Future Impact
Chapter 43 Identity Crisis: "Who Am I Now?"
"I will never forget the moment when your heart stopped and mine kept beating." -Angela Miller
The loss of a child strikes us at the core of our beings. Part of us has suddenly, perhaps forcefully, stolen away. Where did they go?
"I don't know who I am or who I'll become, but I'll never be the same. I don't want to be."
Chapter 44 Purpose: "Everything Feels Meaningless"
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." -Kenji Miyazawa
Life changes the moment our child took their last breath.
Yet there is a sense in which we can use the swift current of our grief to honor our child and help ourselves adjust and recover.
Nothing can bring perspective to life than death. We knew that none of us is promised tomorrow. Now we have experienced this hard truth. We see people, life, and events more clearly. We have new eyes. We now know anything can happen to anyone at any time.
How we live and respond to this loss matters deeply - not just for ourselves, but for all those around us. Living well in the midst of all this will demand a clear sense of purpose.
Our purpose transcends every role we have
Our children are tremendously important. Even through their death, they teach us about life. Our child can assist us in discovering and defining our life's purpose. This is part of their legacy to us. We can use our grief to honor them by living more intentionally than ever.
We honor our children when we live with purpose.
"Help someone else who has lost a child. Be a shoulder or an ear for a grieving parent. You can make more of a difference than you realize."
Chapter 45 Memorials: "I Can Almost See Him Smiling"
"And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair."
-Henri Nouwen
Memorials can be powerful, and healing
Our memorials, our children - can have more impact than we realize
Our children mattered. They still do, and always will.
"I'll find memorials that will honor you and bring a smile to your face. I love you."
"Your child's life counted, and counts still. Celebrate them any you can!"
Chapter 46 Holidays: "Can't We Just Skip the Holidays?"
"The past does not haunt us. We haunt the past." -Augusten Burroughs
For those of us enduring loss, (holidays) are often devoured by the absence of our loved one.
The key is being proactive and creative
It will be emotional but that doesn't mean it can't be good
Watch out for the expectations of others. You get to choose what to do, how, when, and with whom
Chapter 47 Birthdays and Anniversaries: "Certain Days Are Hard"
"Those we love never truly leave us, Harry." -J.K. Rowling
Birthdays and death anniversaries are two of the toughest
They remind us of what was and is no longer
Shift: Begin to view these days as times of remembrance and opportunities to celebrate the life of our child and tell their story
"Special days won't ever be easy again, but you can make them good."
Chapter 48 Helping Siblings: "How Do We Help the Other Kids?"
"The reason it hurts so much to separate us is because our souls are connected." -Nicholas Sparks
Losing a sibling growing up is a painful and traumatic experience
Grieve openly/talk openly
Be with them. Share with them. Be available.
Chapter 49 Endurance: "Does It Ever Get Any Better?"
There is no exact timelines for the progression of our grief
There are only patterns
Intensity of our emotions will most likely lessen
Loss settles in at new levels
Moments of shock and denial recede and diminish, giving way to a dull and heavy awareness of reality
As we grieve, our children get assimilated into our lives in new ways. We don't move on without them or leave them behind. They become even more a part of us. We heal, but we're not the same. We learn to live with a hold in our hearts.
We grieve because we dared to love
Chapter 50 Finding Hope: "I'll Learn to Live Again"
"Grief never ends...but it changes." -Unknown
(reminds me of grief quote in your program or thank you notes)
We sense hope's presence again
Our child has become more of a part of us. They have settled into their always-place in our hearts, though they are no longer physically present in our daily lives.
Love endures. It always has. It always will.
(Hope) waits, and blesses us when we're ready
This is hard. It's not for sissies. You have far more courage than you realize.
Concluding Thoughts: A Personal Perspective on Grief and Loss
Not all losses are deaths
And a death is not simply one loss either
I could only control my responses
I resolved to face grief and loss head-on, to fight, and to heal
I believe God knows our pain. More than this, I believe He feels it.
He is well acquainted with grief
Death has been conquered
Matthew 11: 28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Chapter 43 Identity Crisis: "Who Am I Now?"
"I will never forget the moment when your heart stopped and mine kept beating." -Angela Miller
The loss of a child strikes us at the core of our beings. Part of us has suddenly, perhaps forcefully, stolen away. Where did they go?
"I don't know who I am or who I'll become, but I'll never be the same. I don't want to be."
Chapter 44 Purpose: "Everything Feels Meaningless"
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." -Kenji Miyazawa
Life changes the moment our child took their last breath.
Yet there is a sense in which we can use the swift current of our grief to honor our child and help ourselves adjust and recover.
Nothing can bring perspective to life than death. We knew that none of us is promised tomorrow. Now we have experienced this hard truth. We see people, life, and events more clearly. We have new eyes. We now know anything can happen to anyone at any time.
How we live and respond to this loss matters deeply - not just for ourselves, but for all those around us. Living well in the midst of all this will demand a clear sense of purpose.
Our purpose transcends every role we have
Our children are tremendously important. Even through their death, they teach us about life. Our child can assist us in discovering and defining our life's purpose. This is part of their legacy to us. We can use our grief to honor them by living more intentionally than ever.
We honor our children when we live with purpose.
"Help someone else who has lost a child. Be a shoulder or an ear for a grieving parent. You can make more of a difference than you realize."
Chapter 45 Memorials: "I Can Almost See Him Smiling"
"And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair."
-Henri Nouwen
Memorials can be powerful, and healing
Our memorials, our children - can have more impact than we realize
Our children mattered. They still do, and always will.
"I'll find memorials that will honor you and bring a smile to your face. I love you."
"Your child's life counted, and counts still. Celebrate them any you can!"
Chapter 46 Holidays: "Can't We Just Skip the Holidays?"
"The past does not haunt us. We haunt the past." -Augusten Burroughs
For those of us enduring loss, (holidays) are often devoured by the absence of our loved one.
The key is being proactive and creative
It will be emotional but that doesn't mean it can't be good
Watch out for the expectations of others. You get to choose what to do, how, when, and with whom
Chapter 47 Birthdays and Anniversaries: "Certain Days Are Hard"
"Those we love never truly leave us, Harry." -J.K. Rowling
Birthdays and death anniversaries are two of the toughest
They remind us of what was and is no longer
Shift: Begin to view these days as times of remembrance and opportunities to celebrate the life of our child and tell their story
"Special days won't ever be easy again, but you can make them good."
Chapter 48 Helping Siblings: "How Do We Help the Other Kids?"
"The reason it hurts so much to separate us is because our souls are connected." -Nicholas Sparks
Losing a sibling growing up is a painful and traumatic experience
Grieve openly/talk openly
Be with them. Share with them. Be available.
Chapter 49 Endurance: "Does It Ever Get Any Better?"
There is no exact timelines for the progression of our grief
There are only patterns
Intensity of our emotions will most likely lessen
Loss settles in at new levels
Moments of shock and denial recede and diminish, giving way to a dull and heavy awareness of reality
As we grieve, our children get assimilated into our lives in new ways. We don't move on without them or leave them behind. They become even more a part of us. We heal, but we're not the same. We learn to live with a hold in our hearts.
We grieve because we dared to love
Chapter 50 Finding Hope: "I'll Learn to Live Again"
"Grief never ends...but it changes." -Unknown
(reminds me of grief quote in your program or thank you notes)
We sense hope's presence again
Our child has become more of a part of us. They have settled into their always-place in our hearts, though they are no longer physically present in our daily lives.
Love endures. It always has. It always will.
(Hope) waits, and blesses us when we're ready
This is hard. It's not for sissies. You have far more courage than you realize.
Concluding Thoughts: A Personal Perspective on Grief and Loss
Not all losses are deaths
And a death is not simply one loss either
I could only control my responses
I resolved to face grief and loss head-on, to fight, and to heal
I believe God knows our pain. More than this, I believe He feels it.
He is well acquainted with grief
Death has been conquered
Matthew 11: 28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Shattered-Part Five
Part Five The Relational Impact
Chapter 31 Unsupportive Family: "Family Hardly Talks to Us Now"
We've been changed forever by our child and their death. Our relationships will change too, one way or the other.
"Take your time and grieve your way. Don't apologize for your loss or your grief. Above all, talk about your child and encourage others to do the same."
Chapter 32 Supportive Family: "Family Has Made All the Difference"
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it." -Joan Didion
Chapter 33 Friends: "Where Did Everyone Go?"
"If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it." -Lemony Snicket
Loss alters friendships. Some may evaporate, but others will thrive and deepen. Our hearts are shattered, but we can still feel supported, cared for, and loved. We are not alone.
Chapter 34 Work: "Work is Weird"
"You do what you're supposed to do, but in fact you're not there at all." -Frederick Barthelme
Chapter 35 People of Faith: "Some Are Helpful, Some Aren't"
My son is dead. Platitudes are useless, and hurtful.
When people make statements without first attempting to hear our pain, we feel violated, unheard, and invisible. Our shattered hearts wriggle and scream with the hurt and the anger.
Compassion...is born when we close our mouths and open our hearts.
Guidelines for healthy grieving: Get around people who are helpful to you, and limit your exposure to those who aren't.
(Unfortunately, Pastor has fallen into this "aren't" category the more I think about it. Sad.)
Chapter 36 Marriage: "We're Drifting Apart"
"The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it also permanently alters a couple's marriage...As a couple you must deal with how each of you has changed." -Cindy Wright
Handling these marital landmines ourselves while immersed in grief is virtually impossible.
Chapter 37 Our Other Kids: "How Do We Help Them and Ourselves Too?"
Someone is missing, and everyone in your family feels it acutely.
Kids grieve differently. They grieve over a long period of time, and in spurts.
Chapter 28 Toxic People: "People Can Be Insensitive and Mean"
"I have heard many things like these. You are miserable comforters, all of you." -The Book of Job
Isn't (he) better off now? You should be happy. (Pastor said something like this like, "You should be happy-Hayden is in heaven now")
People who utter unkind toxic statements are revealing something about themselves.
Our hearts have been shattered. The last thing we need is someone tromping into our lives and smashing the remaining pieces. We need support, compassion and hope. (Becky's invasions)
We can't control the words or actions of toxic people, but we can limit the access they get to our hearts.
What people say and do is more about them than it is about me.
"Don't worry or care about what others think of your grief. They haven't been there."
Chapter 39 Safe People: "I Can Be Myself With Him (Her)"
They don't try to fix (Becky). They don't judge or belittle. They don't give advice we haven't asked for. They don't have an agenda for how we should progress. (Pastor)
Safe people recognize each other.
Chapter 40 New Support: "We've Found Some Kindred Spirits"
"Those who have suffered understand suffering and therefore extend their hand." -Patti Smith
(Makes me think of Kimballs)
There are others with similar holes in their hearts, slogging along, stumbling forward.
Chapter 41 Counseling: "I Didn't Think It Would Help"
(looking forward to it)
Chapter 42 A Recovery Team: "Thanks to Them, I'll Make It"
"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
-Helen Keller
Chapter 31 Unsupportive Family: "Family Hardly Talks to Us Now"
We've been changed forever by our child and their death. Our relationships will change too, one way or the other.
"Take your time and grieve your way. Don't apologize for your loss or your grief. Above all, talk about your child and encourage others to do the same."
Chapter 32 Supportive Family: "Family Has Made All the Difference"
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it." -Joan Didion
Chapter 33 Friends: "Where Did Everyone Go?"
"If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it." -Lemony Snicket
Loss alters friendships. Some may evaporate, but others will thrive and deepen. Our hearts are shattered, but we can still feel supported, cared for, and loved. We are not alone.
Chapter 34 Work: "Work is Weird"
"You do what you're supposed to do, but in fact you're not there at all." -Frederick Barthelme
Chapter 35 People of Faith: "Some Are Helpful, Some Aren't"
My son is dead. Platitudes are useless, and hurtful.
When people make statements without first attempting to hear our pain, we feel violated, unheard, and invisible. Our shattered hearts wriggle and scream with the hurt and the anger.
Compassion...is born when we close our mouths and open our hearts.
Guidelines for healthy grieving: Get around people who are helpful to you, and limit your exposure to those who aren't.
(Unfortunately, Pastor has fallen into this "aren't" category the more I think about it. Sad.)
Chapter 36 Marriage: "We're Drifting Apart"
"The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it also permanently alters a couple's marriage...As a couple you must deal with how each of you has changed." -Cindy Wright
Handling these marital landmines ourselves while immersed in grief is virtually impossible.
Chapter 37 Our Other Kids: "How Do We Help Them and Ourselves Too?"
Someone is missing, and everyone in your family feels it acutely.
Kids grieve differently. They grieve over a long period of time, and in spurts.
Chapter 28 Toxic People: "People Can Be Insensitive and Mean"
"I have heard many things like these. You are miserable comforters, all of you." -The Book of Job
Isn't (he) better off now? You should be happy. (Pastor said something like this like, "You should be happy-Hayden is in heaven now")
People who utter unkind toxic statements are revealing something about themselves.
Our hearts have been shattered. The last thing we need is someone tromping into our lives and smashing the remaining pieces. We need support, compassion and hope. (Becky's invasions)
We can't control the words or actions of toxic people, but we can limit the access they get to our hearts.
What people say and do is more about them than it is about me.
"Don't worry or care about what others think of your grief. They haven't been there."
Chapter 39 Safe People: "I Can Be Myself With Him (Her)"
They don't try to fix (Becky). They don't judge or belittle. They don't give advice we haven't asked for. They don't have an agenda for how we should progress. (Pastor)
Safe people recognize each other.
Chapter 40 New Support: "We've Found Some Kindred Spirits"
"Those who have suffered understand suffering and therefore extend their hand." -Patti Smith
(Makes me think of Kimballs)
There are others with similar holes in their hearts, slogging along, stumbling forward.
Chapter 41 Counseling: "I Didn't Think It Would Help"
(looking forward to it)
Chapter 42 A Recovery Team: "Thanks to Them, I'll Make It"
"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
-Helen Keller
Shattered-Part Four
Part Four The Spiritual Impact
Chapter 26 Spiritual Confusion: "I'm Not Sure What I Believe Anymore"
One thing is certain-our spiritual life, whatever we define that to be, will change. It cannot stay the same. We will either choose to grow deeper into our beliefs, distance ourselves from them, or adopt new ones (or a combo of all these).
"I wonder about a lot now. I'm sure of some things, but less sure of others."
"Hang on. Survive. I wandered, but in the end my faith saved me."
Chapter 27 Anger With God: "How Could God Let This Happen?"
"Something inside this heart has died." -Unknown
Anger with God about a child's death is a common reaction for our shattered hearts.
"I'm angry with God. I'll honor you, my child, by dealing responsibly with that anger."
Chapter 28 Spiritual Searching: "Where is (He) Now?"
"Not all those who wander are lost." -J.R.R. Tolkien
Did our child just cease to exist? Are they alive in another dimension? Are they a spirit now, or do they have a body too? Would we recognize them? Where are they now? What are they doing? Who are they with? Are they happy? How does all this work? Can we know anything for sure?
comfort and hope
"I want to know about you, my child. I need answers. I will search for them."
"Figure out what you believe and why. What you believe must be bigger than your loss."
Chapter 29 Spiritual Numbness: "I Feel Dead Inside"
"There is an empty place within me where my heart once was." -George Martin
"This will probably be the worst thing you will ever go through. Hold onto your faith and your memories. Nothing can take these away from you."
Chapter 30 Guilt-Punishment: "God Won't Forgive Me, and I Can't Forgive Myself"
"But of all of Heaven's lessons, guilt isn't one of them. You don't need to hold onto it. It doesn't need to be a practice and it shouldn't be your life." -Tessa Shaffer
(Side note: This is helpful to me for other things I've been contemplating recently relative to my faith and my marriage)
Someone is to blame. Someone should pay. We're the parents. Who's more responsible than we are?
In grief and in life, we often confuse being responsible with being in control. That never works, because it's simply not true.
Chapter 26 Spiritual Confusion: "I'm Not Sure What I Believe Anymore"
One thing is certain-our spiritual life, whatever we define that to be, will change. It cannot stay the same. We will either choose to grow deeper into our beliefs, distance ourselves from them, or adopt new ones (or a combo of all these).
"I wonder about a lot now. I'm sure of some things, but less sure of others."
"Hang on. Survive. I wandered, but in the end my faith saved me."
Chapter 27 Anger With God: "How Could God Let This Happen?"
"Something inside this heart has died." -Unknown
Anger with God about a child's death is a common reaction for our shattered hearts.
"I'm angry with God. I'll honor you, my child, by dealing responsibly with that anger."
Chapter 28 Spiritual Searching: "Where is (He) Now?"
"Not all those who wander are lost." -J.R.R. Tolkien
Did our child just cease to exist? Are they alive in another dimension? Are they a spirit now, or do they have a body too? Would we recognize them? Where are they now? What are they doing? Who are they with? Are they happy? How does all this work? Can we know anything for sure?
comfort and hope
"I want to know about you, my child. I need answers. I will search for them."
"Figure out what you believe and why. What you believe must be bigger than your loss."
Chapter 29 Spiritual Numbness: "I Feel Dead Inside"
"There is an empty place within me where my heart once was." -George Martin
"This will probably be the worst thing you will ever go through. Hold onto your faith and your memories. Nothing can take these away from you."
Chapter 30 Guilt-Punishment: "God Won't Forgive Me, and I Can't Forgive Myself"
"But of all of Heaven's lessons, guilt isn't one of them. You don't need to hold onto it. It doesn't need to be a practice and it shouldn't be your life." -Tessa Shaffer
(Side note: This is helpful to me for other things I've been contemplating recently relative to my faith and my marriage)
Someone is to blame. Someone should pay. We're the parents. Who's more responsible than we are?
In grief and in life, we often confuse being responsible with being in control. That never works, because it's simply not true.
This week's reading
I started reading a chronological Bible this year and right now it's in Job. I keep seeing a lot of similarities of my life to Job's story. Right now it's when he and his friends are trying to analyze why all the bad stuff happened to him. It reminds me of how people are asking me to question my faith, which has been a great disturbance to me. Here are some verses that I wanted to remember.
Job defends his innocence
Job 22:15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.
Job 23:10 But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
Job defends his innocence
Job 22:15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.
Job 23:10 But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
Shattered-Part Three
Part Three The Physical Impact
Chapter 20 Physical Symptoms: "My Body is Falling Apart"
Grief is a form of stress
Grief is more like an extended battle or a demanding marathon
"I miss you so much it hurts, literally. Grief racks me, body and soul."
Taking good care of yourself is one powerful way to love your child and honor his or her memory.
Chapter 21 Sleep Disturbances: "Sleep? What's That?"
Chapter 22 Identification Symptoms: "What's Going On?"
"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering." -Henri Nouwen
heart issues
"Sometimes I feel so connected to you. I wouldn't want it any other way."
Breathe, Talk, Write
Chapter 23 Fatigue: "I'm Tired All the Time"
Chapter 24 Clumsiness: "I Bump Into Walls"
Chapter 25 Anxiety-Depression: "I'm Panicky and Depressed, Too"
2-sided coin
comes out of nowhere
"Try to accept where you are at. Feel the grief instead of fighting against it."
Chapter 20 Physical Symptoms: "My Body is Falling Apart"
Grief is a form of stress
Grief is more like an extended battle or a demanding marathon
"I miss you so much it hurts, literally. Grief racks me, body and soul."
Taking good care of yourself is one powerful way to love your child and honor his or her memory.
Chapter 21 Sleep Disturbances: "Sleep? What's That?"
Chapter 22 Identification Symptoms: "What's Going On?"
"Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering." -Henri Nouwen
heart issues
"Sometimes I feel so connected to you. I wouldn't want it any other way."
Breathe, Talk, Write
Chapter 23 Fatigue: "I'm Tired All the Time"
Chapter 24 Clumsiness: "I Bump Into Walls"
Chapter 25 Anxiety-Depression: "I'm Panicky and Depressed, Too"
2-sided coin
comes out of nowhere
"Try to accept where you are at. Feel the grief instead of fighting against it."
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Shattered-Part Two
Part Two The Mental Impact
Chapter 13 Confusion: "I Don't Know Which End Is Up"
"For in grief nothing 'stays put'. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?" -C.S. Lewis
"It's like I experience (his) death over and over again, multiple times every day."
The world as we knew it is no longer.
"No wonder I'm confused. Life without you is unimaginable."
Chapter 14 Crazy: "I Feel Unhinged At Times"
"The pain of the leaving can tear us apart." -Henri Nouwen
Our child has died. That's crazy. We're in the center of this, and it will make us think we're nuts at times too.
Chapter 15 Racing Thoughts: "My Mind Spins"
"Everyone can master a grief but he that has it." -William Shakespeare
"My mind is never still. I'm always thinking about and looking for you."
Chapter 16 Forgetfulness: "I Forget Stuff and Lose Things"
"Grief is the proof love is still here." -Tessa Shaffer
Grief takes up enormous space and energy. As a result, we simply have less brain available for everyday life.
temporary condition
Forgetfulness is common and natural during times of grief. Especially when the loss is a child.
"It's amazing I can remember anything. All I can think about is you."
Chapter 17 Concentration: "I Can't Seem to Focus"
"I feel so much I can't seem to think." -Unknown
temporary
"I can't focus or concentrate. I'm not surprised. My heart is missing you."
Chapter 18 Addictions: "I'm Running, Pure and Simple"
We believe we're responsible somehow, so we punish ourselves.
Child loss rattles the most stable of hearts.
"I'm tempted to run, but that would mean running from you. No thanks."
"Don't rush through this, but don't stay stuck either. Get the help you need."
Chapter 19 Suicidal Thoughts: "I Want To Die Too"
"You think you have a memory; but it has you!" -John Irving
...difficult to discern where genuine love stops and enmeshment begins. Instead of our child being a crucial part of our lives, they can become our life, our meaning, and our purpose on this planet.
Grieving is the process of learning to adjust, over time, to this unthinkable loss in the healthiest way possible.
"I love you, so I will live on and honor your memory."
"Your child would want you to live. Live! Survive! If you don't, that's one less voice to speak their name and tell their story."
Chapter 13 Confusion: "I Don't Know Which End Is Up"
"For in grief nothing 'stays put'. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?" -C.S. Lewis
"It's like I experience (his) death over and over again, multiple times every day."
The world as we knew it is no longer.
"No wonder I'm confused. Life without you is unimaginable."
Chapter 14 Crazy: "I Feel Unhinged At Times"
"The pain of the leaving can tear us apart." -Henri Nouwen
Our child has died. That's crazy. We're in the center of this, and it will make us think we're nuts at times too.
Chapter 15 Racing Thoughts: "My Mind Spins"
"Everyone can master a grief but he that has it." -William Shakespeare
"My mind is never still. I'm always thinking about and looking for you."
Chapter 16 Forgetfulness: "I Forget Stuff and Lose Things"
"Grief is the proof love is still here." -Tessa Shaffer
Grief takes up enormous space and energy. As a result, we simply have less brain available for everyday life.
temporary condition
Forgetfulness is common and natural during times of grief. Especially when the loss is a child.
"It's amazing I can remember anything. All I can think about is you."
Chapter 17 Concentration: "I Can't Seem to Focus"
"I feel so much I can't seem to think." -Unknown
temporary
"I can't focus or concentrate. I'm not surprised. My heart is missing you."
Chapter 18 Addictions: "I'm Running, Pure and Simple"
We believe we're responsible somehow, so we punish ourselves.
Child loss rattles the most stable of hearts.
"I'm tempted to run, but that would mean running from you. No thanks."
"Don't rush through this, but don't stay stuck either. Get the help you need."
Chapter 19 Suicidal Thoughts: "I Want To Die Too"
"You think you have a memory; but it has you!" -John Irving
...difficult to discern where genuine love stops and enmeshment begins. Instead of our child being a crucial part of our lives, they can become our life, our meaning, and our purpose on this planet.
Grieving is the process of learning to adjust, over time, to this unthinkable loss in the healthiest way possible.
"I love you, so I will live on and honor your memory."
"Your child would want you to live. Live! Survive! If you don't, that's one less voice to speak their name and tell their story."
He's in control
There was an article about an actress who got in a car accident because her floor mat got stuck between the pedals, and when she looked down for a second to try to get it out of the way, she realized that she was headed straight for guardrails. I just wanted to record the story to remember that it could have been something as simple as this that happened in your accident. She also said the following:
The only way God can show us He's in control is to put us in situations we can't control.
The only way God can show us He's in control is to put us in situations we can't control.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Shattered-Part One
This is a book that was brought to my attention by the Kimballs/Getzingers. It's called Shattered: Surviving the Loss of A Child by Gary Roe. Lydia emailed me a link to the book, so it's easy to read at work. It's amazing so far! It's broken up into little digestible parts. Here are some notes from Part One.
Part One The Emotional Impact
Chapter 1 Shock: "This Can't Be Real!"
"The only education in grief that any of us ever gets is a crash course." -Gail Calwell
Chapter 2 Stunned: "I Can Hardly Talk"
Chapter 3 Surreal: "This Is So Weird"
Living in an alternate universe (so true!)
"Everything is weird now. You're not here anymore, and I don't want that to be real."
Chapter 4 Sadness: "It's All So Sad"
"I'm terribly sad. That's natural. I love you and miss you desperately."
Chapter 5 Anger: "I Might Explode!"
Chapter 6 Anxiety: "I'm Anxious About Everything Now"
Anything can happen at any time to ourselves or to anyone we love and we care about:
anxiety is the natural result.
"I'm anxious. That's natural. Losing you is traumatic."
Just breathe
Chapter 7 Fear: "I'm Terrified"
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." -C.S. Lewis
"No wonder I'm afraid. Your death is like a nightmare."
Chapter 8 Guilt: "It's My Fault"
"Grief is an ocean, and guilt the undertow that pulls me beneath the waves and drowns me."
-Shaun David Hutchinson
Chapter 9 Bitter: "I Feel Poisoned"
Pain can produce bitterness
Chapter 10 Numb: "I'm Not Sure I Feel Anything"
Chapter 11 Lost: "I Feel Like A Shadow"
So much of our lives revolve around our kids that whenever one of them exits, at whatever age, they leave a huge, gaping hole in our existence.
Feeling lost can come from a sense of total separation from your child. Part of grieving is keeping them alive in your heart. They are a part of you and staying connected to them somehow is important.
Chapter 12 Depressed: "The Color is Gone"
"Life without you is depressing. No wonder I feel this way."
Part One The Emotional Impact
Chapter 1 Shock: "This Can't Be Real!"
"The only education in grief that any of us ever gets is a crash course." -Gail Calwell
Chapter 2 Stunned: "I Can Hardly Talk"
Chapter 3 Surreal: "This Is So Weird"
Living in an alternate universe (so true!)
"Everything is weird now. You're not here anymore, and I don't want that to be real."
Chapter 4 Sadness: "It's All So Sad"
"I'm terribly sad. That's natural. I love you and miss you desperately."
Chapter 5 Anger: "I Might Explode!"
Chapter 6 Anxiety: "I'm Anxious About Everything Now"
Anything can happen at any time to ourselves or to anyone we love and we care about:
anxiety is the natural result.
"I'm anxious. That's natural. Losing you is traumatic."
Just breathe
Chapter 7 Fear: "I'm Terrified"
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." -C.S. Lewis
"No wonder I'm afraid. Your death is like a nightmare."
Chapter 8 Guilt: "It's My Fault"
"Grief is an ocean, and guilt the undertow that pulls me beneath the waves and drowns me."
-Shaun David Hutchinson
Chapter 9 Bitter: "I Feel Poisoned"
Pain can produce bitterness
Chapter 10 Numb: "I'm Not Sure I Feel Anything"
Chapter 11 Lost: "I Feel Like A Shadow"
So much of our lives revolve around our kids that whenever one of them exits, at whatever age, they leave a huge, gaping hole in our existence.
Feeling lost can come from a sense of total separation from your child. Part of grieving is keeping them alive in your heart. They are a part of you and staying connected to them somehow is important.
Chapter 12 Depressed: "The Color is Gone"
"Life without you is depressing. No wonder I feel this way."
Thursday, January 19, 2017
CVS
The other night I was at CVS and when I came out, I realized that I was parked next to a red Sable and there was also a CPS truck in the parking lot at the same time. It was a weird truck though with a cap on it. Interesting though in general.
Hayden day at Rydeon
Last night at RydeOn, there were so many songs that were played that reminded me of you and the theme of the night was "Backwards Videos" because all of the videos the instructor played along with the songs were all backwards. When he has a theme, he has us guess it, and I was the one who guessed it.
One of the songs was The Scientist by Coldplay (I have recorded the lyrics) which talks about going back to the start. In the video, the lead singer is in a car accident, and I don't recall what happens to the passenger, but in the backwards part, it shows her taking her jacket off and then before that she took her seatbelt off, so something might have happened to her in the accident.
That made me think of imagining your accident going backwards and you going back into your lane and coming back home, etc. and none of this nightmare even happening. Then I imagined your childhood in reverse even to when you were born and in my tummy, etc. I'm even tearing up thinking about it now.
When I first got to class, the song Counting Stars was on which I have never seen the video for and at the end of class, City of Angels was coming on. You were coming on strong last night! I wondered why-but then I wondered if it was because tomorrow is the 20th which will mark 1 year and 5 months since your accident. It's always interesting to me how my subconscience knows the 20th is near even before I fully realize it in what I guess might be my regular conscience. I mentioned that to Dad, but of course he didn't know what I was talking about.
You are amazing. I know you're still here. I can feel you. I love you so much! Thank you!
Counting Stars came on Pandora a few minutes after I wrote this. Love you!
One of the songs was The Scientist by Coldplay (I have recorded the lyrics) which talks about going back to the start. In the video, the lead singer is in a car accident, and I don't recall what happens to the passenger, but in the backwards part, it shows her taking her jacket off and then before that she took her seatbelt off, so something might have happened to her in the accident.
That made me think of imagining your accident going backwards and you going back into your lane and coming back home, etc. and none of this nightmare even happening. Then I imagined your childhood in reverse even to when you were born and in my tummy, etc. I'm even tearing up thinking about it now.
When I first got to class, the song Counting Stars was on which I have never seen the video for and at the end of class, City of Angels was coming on. You were coming on strong last night! I wondered why-but then I wondered if it was because tomorrow is the 20th which will mark 1 year and 5 months since your accident. It's always interesting to me how my subconscience knows the 20th is near even before I fully realize it in what I guess might be my regular conscience. I mentioned that to Dad, but of course he didn't know what I was talking about.
You are amazing. I know you're still here. I can feel you. I love you so much! Thank you!
Counting Stars came on Pandora a few minutes after I wrote this. Love you!
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
The Ax forgets
The quote from the previous post reminded me of this quote I saw the other day:
The Ax forgets;
the Tree remembers.
-African Proverb
How damaged
This was on Facebook today.
You'll never truly know how damaged a person is until you try to love them.
You'll never truly know how damaged a person is until you try to love them.
Angel Oak
I saw a picture of this tree somewhere today and remembered it was the background for many songs that I like from Casting Crowns, particularly Just Be Held. I didn't really think much of it, but underneath the picture it said Angel Oak Tree, so I decided to look it up on Wikipedia.
I guess it is just one tree, not a kind of tree since Wikipedia had no information on it. With further research, I found that it is a 1,400-year-old tree in Charleston, South Carolina. I like the name of it and I associate oaks with you because of your strength and the fact that there is an oak tree right over your headstone. Love you!
I guess it is just one tree, not a kind of tree since Wikipedia had no information on it. With further research, I found that it is a 1,400-year-old tree in Charleston, South Carolina. I like the name of it and I associate oaks with you because of your strength and the fact that there is an oak tree right over your headstone. Love you!
From Where You Are again
The other night when I came into the kitchen after watching The Office with Carter, the song From Where You Are was playing which I haven't heard for a long time. I first heard it soon after your accident when I was sitting in the car in the parking lot at Elevation Burger. I have the lyrics written down on a post from a while ago. The song came on again today. Thank you for that! Love you!
Fun song on Pandora
For the first time that I know of, a song by the group Fun was on my Pandora station today. It was the song We Are Young. Whenever I hear any songs by them I think of you because you liked them so much. Thank you for that!
Bathtime
I had a dream about you last night-thank you for that. It's so weird, when I am in the dream it seems so normal and I don't realize the significance of it until I wake up.
I was giving you as little Hayden a bath. Like toddler Hayden. Or you were just taking a bath and I was there when you were done. You started saying things in your cute toddler voice and I wondered why you were talking to me that way. Like your little smart voice like in that Christmas video and other videos where you asked little questions and analyzed things. It was so adorable then and it was vividly adorable again in the dream. Love you sweet boy!
I was giving you as little Hayden a bath. Like toddler Hayden. Or you were just taking a bath and I was there when you were done. You started saying things in your cute toddler voice and I wondered why you were talking to me that way. Like your little smart voice like in that Christmas video and other videos where you asked little questions and analyzed things. It was so adorable then and it was vividly adorable again in the dream. Love you sweet boy!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Keep moving forward
Quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. on MLK day on Getting Your Breath Back... page
If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run, then walk, if you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.
If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run, then walk, if you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.
God Said
This is from the Facebook page for Getting Your Breath Back...
God Said,
You Don't Have To
Worry About Love.
As Long As I'm
Existing, You Will
Be Loved.
Monday, January 16, 2017
A narrative of love
I was checking some of the sites I go to, and this was on the Facebook page for Luminous Light Studio but it was about the lady behind Scribbles & Crumbs which I quoted a lot from last year. This article appeared in the Washington Post and it's by Lexi Behrndt.
Debbie Reynolds and parent grief: A narrative of love
It feels a lot like crumbling. A torrential wave of pain and grief filling every atom of your body. Denial that this could be reality, and piercing agony when you realize it is. Few have to experience this, and for that I am grateful. But for those of us who face the death of a child, the breath leaving their lungs while ours still inhale and exhale, we know this agony.
When Debbie Reynolds, mother of the recently deceased actress Carrie Fisher, died just a day after her daughter, the world was shocked. Many said she died of a broken heart. Within the community of bereaved parents, there was a profound sense of understanding.
Parenthood is a sacred work of love. From the moment we learn of our child, just growing as a tiny speck, to the moment we hear their heartbeat, to the moment they are placed in our arms and we look into their eyes, and to every moment we are given after, we are filled with one of the most profound loves known to man. It's a love that sacrifices, that places their needs before all of our own, that pours itself out, that would brave every bit of danger if it meant protecting them.
I felt this love when I first became a parent four years ago, and it entirely transformed my life. When I became pregnant with my second child, this love washed over me again. I thought I had experienced all the love my heart could hold, but it made room for even more. And when my second child was born very will with a rare form of congenital heart disease, I fought for him mercilessly with that love...When he died in my arms...grief, pain, shock, devastation and darkness entered, but the love never left.
When tragedy strikes and we are forced into the position no one wants to be in - the new role as a bereaved parent - that love does not leave. The love of a parent is a defiant force that no amount of time or distance, not even death, can extinguish.
My son...died...and I've spent two years trying to figure out what to do with this love. In the first days and months, this love felt like a curse. A reminder that he was no longer in my arms. Grief felt like a fog so thick I could barely even feed myself, tie my own shoes, shower. Pain was the narrative.
This love, when bottled up and silenced can feel a lot like bitterness, anger and darkness, because this love was never meant to be withheld. One of the greatest tasks for me, the key that changed my narrative from one of pain to one of love was realizing that this love would never leave. I learned in order to heal, it has to be embraced, even if it was painful to do so.
Parent grief, and perhaps all grief, is a lot about coexisting emotions. Pain, because sorrow. Joy, because love. Grief can be all consuming. But the way I see it is, the overarching narrative does not have to be pain, death, darkness. It can be love.
Within four white walls of a tiny hospital room, love lived. In the midst of the unknown, in the midst of a fierce battle with the giants of (Hayden's injury), (Hayden) radiated joy. In the aftermath of his death, I refuse to let the imprint of his life on mine be one of searing pain. Not for my (Hayden). His imprint is life, is love, is joy.
As bereaved parents, we cannot escape grief and sorrow. We learn to hold them differently. We learn to make love the greater narrative, to love in spite of death, and to keep loving because our hearts won't stop.
Debbie Reynolds may have died of a broken heart. Grief is a powerful force. But there was only great grief because there lived an even deeper love for her daughter, one that is not bound by distance, time or even death. Their story may sound like a tragedy, but the greatest narrative within is not of pain, it is love.
Debbie Reynolds and parent grief: A narrative of love
It feels a lot like crumbling. A torrential wave of pain and grief filling every atom of your body. Denial that this could be reality, and piercing agony when you realize it is. Few have to experience this, and for that I am grateful. But for those of us who face the death of a child, the breath leaving their lungs while ours still inhale and exhale, we know this agony.
When Debbie Reynolds, mother of the recently deceased actress Carrie Fisher, died just a day after her daughter, the world was shocked. Many said she died of a broken heart. Within the community of bereaved parents, there was a profound sense of understanding.
Parenthood is a sacred work of love. From the moment we learn of our child, just growing as a tiny speck, to the moment we hear their heartbeat, to the moment they are placed in our arms and we look into their eyes, and to every moment we are given after, we are filled with one of the most profound loves known to man. It's a love that sacrifices, that places their needs before all of our own, that pours itself out, that would brave every bit of danger if it meant protecting them.
I felt this love when I first became a parent four years ago, and it entirely transformed my life. When I became pregnant with my second child, this love washed over me again. I thought I had experienced all the love my heart could hold, but it made room for even more. And when my second child was born very will with a rare form of congenital heart disease, I fought for him mercilessly with that love...When he died in my arms...grief, pain, shock, devastation and darkness entered, but the love never left.
When tragedy strikes and we are forced into the position no one wants to be in - the new role as a bereaved parent - that love does not leave. The love of a parent is a defiant force that no amount of time or distance, not even death, can extinguish.
My son...died...and I've spent two years trying to figure out what to do with this love. In the first days and months, this love felt like a curse. A reminder that he was no longer in my arms. Grief felt like a fog so thick I could barely even feed myself, tie my own shoes, shower. Pain was the narrative.
This love, when bottled up and silenced can feel a lot like bitterness, anger and darkness, because this love was never meant to be withheld. One of the greatest tasks for me, the key that changed my narrative from one of pain to one of love was realizing that this love would never leave. I learned in order to heal, it has to be embraced, even if it was painful to do so.
Parent grief, and perhaps all grief, is a lot about coexisting emotions. Pain, because sorrow. Joy, because love. Grief can be all consuming. But the way I see it is, the overarching narrative does not have to be pain, death, darkness. It can be love.
Within four white walls of a tiny hospital room, love lived. In the midst of the unknown, in the midst of a fierce battle with the giants of (Hayden's injury), (Hayden) radiated joy. In the aftermath of his death, I refuse to let the imprint of his life on mine be one of searing pain. Not for my (Hayden). His imprint is life, is love, is joy.
As bereaved parents, we cannot escape grief and sorrow. We learn to hold them differently. We learn to make love the greater narrative, to love in spite of death, and to keep loving because our hearts won't stop.
Debbie Reynolds may have died of a broken heart. Grief is a powerful force. But there was only great grief because there lived an even deeper love for her daughter, one that is not bound by distance, time or even death. Their story may sound like a tragedy, but the greatest narrative within is not of pain, it is love.
Homegoing
We received a nice email from the Goosens today, thanking us for some encouragement we gave them and they mentioned how they prayed for us after Hayden's accident and homegoing. I so like that term better than "passing" or "passed away." Dad kept using that term yesterday when we were with the Mitchells, and I would have even preferred "his accident" or "his death/when he died" to that term.
"Homegoing" has such a positive undertone to it (apparently it's two words but I'm leaving it as one). It sounds purposeful and planned, which it was. Thank you Lord!
"Homegoing" has such a positive undertone to it (apparently it's two words but I'm leaving it as one). It sounds purposeful and planned, which it was. Thank you Lord!
Other marriages
I don't know when this thought occurred to me-maybe after the meeting with Jennifer about how her and Jack's marriage problems stemmed from them being unequally yoked. I kept thinking that sounded like me and Dad - how I can't read the Bible around him, we have two totally different perspectives, etc. on everything. It never makes sense how two Christians could be at such odds with each other when we are supposed to be believing in the same things. Even you said that before, sweet boy.
I still think Dad is saved at a basic level. I just think we are at different levels in our sanctification. I then remembered when the Mayers told us when we were at their house for that 4th of July weekend a few years ago how they were having marital problems. How does that happen? He is definitely saved and she is the daughter of a pastor, which I know doesn't guarantee salvation, but she should be saved too-she made sure several times and I think she was even baptized more than once. What's happening there? Differences of opinion, I suppose. Not every wife is meek and mild like Naomi. Good for Matt on that one, I guess.
I also remember hearing how the Lewis' were getting counseling (from Dwayne-how does he know EVERYTHING?) Which one of them isn't saved? I think there is a problem when the husband isn't taking his wife's opinion into consideration. She has one, she is a person too. He can't always be right, right? Of course, everyone wants their own way. Maybe that's what's happening with the Mayers. He tries to control everything, but she wants some say as well. There has to be compromise still-I don't think marriage was created for the man to just give orders and the woman dutifully obeys them without question. What is the point of that? We are all still human, we make mistakes. We are not infallible. The man is not supposed to use that to his advantage to control everything. It's a misuse of power. The woman is supposed to help. It is her life too. She has a different perspective than the man. Not that she should run things, but she should be a large part of decision-making. It's like a checks- and-balances thing.
This isn't a Christian marriage, but look at the D's. She does everything he wants at the expense of other relationships. She can never go to family dinner, she can only do what he wants on the weekends, etc. Sure they have a "happy marriage" in everyone else's eyes, and Bill often uses them as the epitome of what everyone else should strive for, but does it count when only one of the spouses is happy? When there is no compromise on the man's side? When someone is given a hard time for staying out too late on a Friday night? When excuses after excuses are given for someone not coming to family events? There may be peace in their home, but is fake peace real peace? When someone just keeps their mouth shut all the time and goes along with whatever the other person wants like a doormat? When other family relationships are sacrificed for that one? I don't think that's how marriage should work either.
What about the Worrells? They seemed so happy and then they snuck off and got a divorce. Part of me understands why they did it that way-so nobody would talk them out of it. Why are we getting in trouble for asking for help? Isn't that better than doing what they did? At least I'm sticking it out or trying to. When we emailed Pastor about our plans a few months ago to end our marriage, we were chastised for hurting the church family by leaving, the pastor's family, etc. Offer me some help, please. There is something wrong here. I know the ramifications of a divorce and the affect on others. That's not what I want but what am I supposed to do? Live in misery for the rest of my days? It's hard! It's depressing and sad and discouraging and lonely. I need help! Dad needs help!
I was thinking recently about some of the things that Dad has been doing to work on our marriage, but he is just doing good deeds in general and not asking me what I would want him to do-like how to take out the trash properly, how he got that gift card for my mom which wasn't necessary, etc. It reminds me of Cain and Abel, when Abel gave his sacrifice to God but it wasn't acceptable - Abel just decided what he wanted to give, not what God asked. It's kind of like trying to do a bunch of good works to get into Heaven but not going the one way that God requires. None of the good works mean anything if you're not coming to God the right way. Dad needs to communicate with me about what he needs to do to improve our marriage and actually take the advice. He doesn't need to pay my mom back for family dinners, for example. What he did was nice in and of itself, but it makes the situation awkward, like we owe my mom something for doing that. That is a gift she gives us. He is interfering with our relationship. He barely goes anyway. (Part of me is glad that she got that money back after she had to pay the whole dinner bill from the weekend but he should have made it like making up for Christmas or something, not for the family dinners.)Once again, he doesn't know this because he refuses to include me in any decisions. It's so weird.
I still think Dad is saved at a basic level. I just think we are at different levels in our sanctification. I then remembered when the Mayers told us when we were at their house for that 4th of July weekend a few years ago how they were having marital problems. How does that happen? He is definitely saved and she is the daughter of a pastor, which I know doesn't guarantee salvation, but she should be saved too-she made sure several times and I think she was even baptized more than once. What's happening there? Differences of opinion, I suppose. Not every wife is meek and mild like Naomi. Good for Matt on that one, I guess.
I also remember hearing how the Lewis' were getting counseling (from Dwayne-how does he know EVERYTHING?) Which one of them isn't saved? I think there is a problem when the husband isn't taking his wife's opinion into consideration. She has one, she is a person too. He can't always be right, right? Of course, everyone wants their own way. Maybe that's what's happening with the Mayers. He tries to control everything, but she wants some say as well. There has to be compromise still-I don't think marriage was created for the man to just give orders and the woman dutifully obeys them without question. What is the point of that? We are all still human, we make mistakes. We are not infallible. The man is not supposed to use that to his advantage to control everything. It's a misuse of power. The woman is supposed to help. It is her life too. She has a different perspective than the man. Not that she should run things, but she should be a large part of decision-making. It's like a checks- and-balances thing.
This isn't a Christian marriage, but look at the D's. She does everything he wants at the expense of other relationships. She can never go to family dinner, she can only do what he wants on the weekends, etc. Sure they have a "happy marriage" in everyone else's eyes, and Bill often uses them as the epitome of what everyone else should strive for, but does it count when only one of the spouses is happy? When there is no compromise on the man's side? When someone is given a hard time for staying out too late on a Friday night? When excuses after excuses are given for someone not coming to family events? There may be peace in their home, but is fake peace real peace? When someone just keeps their mouth shut all the time and goes along with whatever the other person wants like a doormat? When other family relationships are sacrificed for that one? I don't think that's how marriage should work either.
What about the Worrells? They seemed so happy and then they snuck off and got a divorce. Part of me understands why they did it that way-so nobody would talk them out of it. Why are we getting in trouble for asking for help? Isn't that better than doing what they did? At least I'm sticking it out or trying to. When we emailed Pastor about our plans a few months ago to end our marriage, we were chastised for hurting the church family by leaving, the pastor's family, etc. Offer me some help, please. There is something wrong here. I know the ramifications of a divorce and the affect on others. That's not what I want but what am I supposed to do? Live in misery for the rest of my days? It's hard! It's depressing and sad and discouraging and lonely. I need help! Dad needs help!
I was thinking recently about some of the things that Dad has been doing to work on our marriage, but he is just doing good deeds in general and not asking me what I would want him to do-like how to take out the trash properly, how he got that gift card for my mom which wasn't necessary, etc. It reminds me of Cain and Abel, when Abel gave his sacrifice to God but it wasn't acceptable - Abel just decided what he wanted to give, not what God asked. It's kind of like trying to do a bunch of good works to get into Heaven but not going the one way that God requires. None of the good works mean anything if you're not coming to God the right way. Dad needs to communicate with me about what he needs to do to improve our marriage and actually take the advice. He doesn't need to pay my mom back for family dinners, for example. What he did was nice in and of itself, but it makes the situation awkward, like we owe my mom something for doing that. That is a gift she gives us. He is interfering with our relationship. He barely goes anyway. (Part of me is glad that she got that money back after she had to pay the whole dinner bill from the weekend but he should have made it like making up for Christmas or something, not for the family dinners.)Once again, he doesn't know this because he refuses to include me in any decisions. It's so weird.
I love the Mitchells
Jack and Jennifer Mitchell were in town for the weekend. I'm sure you remember them-he is the dentist and they travel to different countries to partner with missionaries and provide dental care in third world countries. They are special friends of ours too, and whenever they are in town, we make sure to get together with them on our own. That usually involves a meal at Bob Evans.
Anyway, they haven't been around for two years, so they knew about your accident, but we haven't physically seen them since. They have sent cards and notes though since then and have been praying for us.
Jennifer was a great encouragement to me at the ladies' meeting on Saturday. Her story and her husband's is one of my favorite testimonies. I love listening to it over and over. She simply told her testimony as the message which started when she was young. She ended up getting saved right before she married Jack and she checked with him to make sure he was saved too, and he agreed that he believed in Jesus, etc. but it turns out he wasn't really saved. They were unequally yoked. They had a very hard time the first 14 years of their marriage because of this. Jennifer kept to her beliefs though, and when the pressures of life came down hard on Jack, he asked her how to be saved and he came to know the Lord.
As a result of this life-changing decision, he lost his dental practice he was just merging with another dentist, and they were having money issues. This is how I came to know Jennifer on a more personal level, because they almost lost their house. The first time I met her, she was telling us this in a ladies' meeting and afterwards I asked her if she still kept her house because we were having issues with the mortgage because of Dad's up-and-down commission jobs. Ever since then we had that connection. I remember her telling stories of going to the grocery store with barely any money for groceries and God providing in miraculous ways, from winning a contest for buying a certain type of ice cream to strangers giving her money, etc. She said that taught them to fully depend on God which was something they needed to learn for their ministry.
Something else I learned from her on Saturday was how her behavior over the years won Jack over to the Lord eventually. They had their share of marital problems, but she stuck to her guns while still trying to be honoring to her husband. That made me think that I need to behave as a Christian no matter what Bill does, because I am still accountable to God no matter what Bill does.
Anyway, on Sunday after church we went with them to Bob Evans for lunch. Among other things we discussed, I asked them how they thought we should handle our situation with losing Hayden from a Christian perspective. Of course, they had wonderful answers. First of all, they said they think we've been handling it well from what they have heard-still going to church, keeping the conversations about him open at home with the kids, etc. They warned against sheltering ourselves from the world to avoid more pain, since people can say thoughtless things. Jennifer had this experience after they had three miscarriages. She also felt a grief-type loss when her daughter's twin foster daughters, whom they were planning to adopt, were suddenly taken from the home. For the longest time, Jennifer couldn't understand why this happened when they were in a good Christian home and they were taken to a bad situation again. She had to learn to trust God had His reasons. She reassured me that God never wants to hurt us and cause us pain, but He must have had a much bigger reason for Hayden's death to allow so much pain into our lives. Ultimately, it's what God wants that matters-it's not about us and what we would like life to be. She said God can use us to help others with similar losses (which I told her has already happened) and we have a unique perspective that others don't. She was very helpful and Jack was equally supportive. What a blessing they are! They loved you too!
Anyway, they haven't been around for two years, so they knew about your accident, but we haven't physically seen them since. They have sent cards and notes though since then and have been praying for us.
Jennifer was a great encouragement to me at the ladies' meeting on Saturday. Her story and her husband's is one of my favorite testimonies. I love listening to it over and over. She simply told her testimony as the message which started when she was young. She ended up getting saved right before she married Jack and she checked with him to make sure he was saved too, and he agreed that he believed in Jesus, etc. but it turns out he wasn't really saved. They were unequally yoked. They had a very hard time the first 14 years of their marriage because of this. Jennifer kept to her beliefs though, and when the pressures of life came down hard on Jack, he asked her how to be saved and he came to know the Lord.
As a result of this life-changing decision, he lost his dental practice he was just merging with another dentist, and they were having money issues. This is how I came to know Jennifer on a more personal level, because they almost lost their house. The first time I met her, she was telling us this in a ladies' meeting and afterwards I asked her if she still kept her house because we were having issues with the mortgage because of Dad's up-and-down commission jobs. Ever since then we had that connection. I remember her telling stories of going to the grocery store with barely any money for groceries and God providing in miraculous ways, from winning a contest for buying a certain type of ice cream to strangers giving her money, etc. She said that taught them to fully depend on God which was something they needed to learn for their ministry.
Something else I learned from her on Saturday was how her behavior over the years won Jack over to the Lord eventually. They had their share of marital problems, but she stuck to her guns while still trying to be honoring to her husband. That made me think that I need to behave as a Christian no matter what Bill does, because I am still accountable to God no matter what Bill does.
Anyway, on Sunday after church we went with them to Bob Evans for lunch. Among other things we discussed, I asked them how they thought we should handle our situation with losing Hayden from a Christian perspective. Of course, they had wonderful answers. First of all, they said they think we've been handling it well from what they have heard-still going to church, keeping the conversations about him open at home with the kids, etc. They warned against sheltering ourselves from the world to avoid more pain, since people can say thoughtless things. Jennifer had this experience after they had three miscarriages. She also felt a grief-type loss when her daughter's twin foster daughters, whom they were planning to adopt, were suddenly taken from the home. For the longest time, Jennifer couldn't understand why this happened when they were in a good Christian home and they were taken to a bad situation again. She had to learn to trust God had His reasons. She reassured me that God never wants to hurt us and cause us pain, but He must have had a much bigger reason for Hayden's death to allow so much pain into our lives. Ultimately, it's what God wants that matters-it's not about us and what we would like life to be. She said God can use us to help others with similar losses (which I told her has already happened) and we have a unique perspective that others don't. She was very helpful and Jack was equally supportive. What a blessing they are! They loved you too!
Fallen Angel
The scene from Jersey Boys when Frankie finds out that his daughter Francine died. When I looked up the script to find the scene, it looked just like the scripts you did for your videos. How did you learn how to do that? Amazing!
Frankie: Summers in Jersey, you get a string of days that are so thick and humid that you can hardly breathe. Then, out of the blue, there is that one morning that's crystal clear and so cool, that you thank God for the day you were born. That was my life all of a sudden. The song that almost never saw the light of day sells three million copies. And "Working My Way" puts the group back on the charts. I'm feeling good, I'm singing good, between me and Bob, we finally pay off Tommy's debts, we're free and clear. Everything's copacetic. Even my kid, Francine - she calls me every Friday night, wherever I am, and we talks and it's all getting better with us. (Phone rings) When I was a kid and we were going through hard times, my mother would say, "a da possa a nultata." "This too shall pass." What I came to realize was, it cuts both ways. The bad passes, but also the good.
(Answers phone after 3 rings)
Francine? (Didn't hear) What? (Listens) Yes, this is her father. (Pause) What? (Pause) Oh my god...
(He hangs up. As the music starts, Frankie sits on a bench before speaking to the audience)
You pay your taxes, you put your trust in a system, you think your kids are safe. What are you supposed to do, put 'em on a leash, chain 'em to the bed? They grow up, they go out, and some mf with a needle is waiting and it's over.
(A nurse enters and hands Frankie a white box with the name "Valli" on it. As she exits, a priest enters with a candle)
Priest: I'm sorry, Frankie. How old was she?
Frankie: Twenty-two. She was going to be a singer, did you know that? She had a bigger range than me. Almost four octaves. Father - (He cries)
Priest: Don't blame yourself, my son.
Frankie: Who, then?
(Priest stands and exits)
Fallen Angel
You're home again. I'm glad you kept the key.
Been waiting here, it seems a million years to me,
But hush now, I know you're all cried out.
It's all right, inside I had no doubt
About your love for me.
I can see behind the tears,
I'm certain of the way we feel,
And given time the hurt will heal...
(He stands. Francine enters and sits next to Frankie, who does not see her)
You're home again, so won't you close the door?
Stay here with me, and we'll forget what's gone before
Just hold me tight. Our love is gonna make it right.
(She reaches for his hand)
Put shadows way beyond recall, the ghost has almost gone,
(Francine exits)
Fallen angel, I'll forgive you anything.
You can't help the things you do,
Now something's gotten hold of you
Fallen angel, got a demon in your soul,
And later when the fever's gone,
I'll be here where you belong...
Frankie: Summers in Jersey, you get a string of days that are so thick and humid that you can hardly breathe. Then, out of the blue, there is that one morning that's crystal clear and so cool, that you thank God for the day you were born. That was my life all of a sudden. The song that almost never saw the light of day sells three million copies. And "Working My Way" puts the group back on the charts. I'm feeling good, I'm singing good, between me and Bob, we finally pay off Tommy's debts, we're free and clear. Everything's copacetic. Even my kid, Francine - she calls me every Friday night, wherever I am, and we talks and it's all getting better with us. (Phone rings) When I was a kid and we were going through hard times, my mother would say, "a da possa a nultata." "This too shall pass." What I came to realize was, it cuts both ways. The bad passes, but also the good.
(Answers phone after 3 rings)
Francine? (Didn't hear) What? (Listens) Yes, this is her father. (Pause) What? (Pause) Oh my god...
(He hangs up. As the music starts, Frankie sits on a bench before speaking to the audience)
You pay your taxes, you put your trust in a system, you think your kids are safe. What are you supposed to do, put 'em on a leash, chain 'em to the bed? They grow up, they go out, and some mf with a needle is waiting and it's over.
(A nurse enters and hands Frankie a white box with the name "Valli" on it. As she exits, a priest enters with a candle)
Priest: I'm sorry, Frankie. How old was she?
Frankie: Twenty-two. She was going to be a singer, did you know that? She had a bigger range than me. Almost four octaves. Father - (He cries)
Priest: Don't blame yourself, my son.
Frankie: Who, then?
(Priest stands and exits)
Fallen Angel
You're home again. I'm glad you kept the key.
Been waiting here, it seems a million years to me,
But hush now, I know you're all cried out.
It's all right, inside I had no doubt
About your love for me.
I can see behind the tears,
I'm certain of the way we feel,
And given time the hurt will heal...
(He stands. Francine enters and sits next to Frankie, who does not see her)
You're home again, so won't you close the door?
Stay here with me, and we'll forget what's gone before
Just hold me tight. Our love is gonna make it right.
(She reaches for his hand)
Put shadows way beyond recall, the ghost has almost gone,
(Francine exits)
Fallen angel, I'll forgive you anything.
You can't help the things you do,
Now something's gotten hold of you
Fallen angel, got a demon in your soul,
And later when the fever's gone,
I'll be here where you belong...
White hanky
On Friday night, I took Grandma Joonie to see the play Jersey Boys at the Stranahan Theater in Toledo. Jill and Kaisa came along too. This is the third time I've been to that theater in the past few months because the first time I went, I took Dad's previous secretary, Barbara Webster, to see Chonda Pierce there who is a Christian comedian. Barbara took me to see a live movie event of Chonda last fall, so when I saw Chonda was on tour, I invited Barb.
When we were there for that, I saw that Phantom of the Opera was coming there in December and Kaisa and I ended up seeing that. Kaisa and I also saw Wicked at the Wharton Center at MSU the weekend before. Anyway, Grandma Joonie noticed that Jersey Boys was coming to that same theater in Toledo and mentioned that we should get tickets. Since I had no ideas for her for Christmas, that is what I got her. She had seen it before with Gary somewhere, but she wanted to see it again.
It is the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, kind of a doo-wop group. I wasn't too looking forward to seeing it, but it ended up being SO GOOD! The music was amazing-I never realized how many songs they sang, like Sherry, Walk Like A Man, Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You, December '63 (Oh, What A Night), Working My Way Back to You Babe, etc. After I bought the tickets and printed them out, I noticed that they said "Explicit Content" on them. I was like, "Oh, great!" I looked it up though and it was just for language, which actually wasn't too big of a deal. That's just how they talked back then.
What does any of this have to do with you, you ask. Well, in one scene (which Grandma Joonie forgot about), the lead singer Frankie Valli gets a phone call that his adult daughter had died. (From suicide or a drug overdose or something like that). There weren't a whole lot of lines in that scene, but I remember him saying something like what are you supposed to do to protect your kids, you can't chain them to a bed or anything (I'd like to look up what he said during that scene). In part of the scene, a nurse brings him a box of his daughter's things which said "Valli" on the side.
Needless to say, this was very emotional for me (I'm pretty sure that Grandma, Jill and Kaisa were crying too). During this scene, I was madly fumbling through my purse for the hanky I brought, and of course I couldn't find it. I usually have a hard time finding things in my purse though, so I didn't think much of it. After the show, we were all walking to Jill's car in the parking lot and I say my hanky lying on the ground next to her car. It had fallen out of my purse on the way in, probably when I was fumbling around to get the tickets out. I was actually amazed it was still there on the ground because it was pretty windy out. I took that as a sign from you-that you were there somehow and knew how much pain I was in and am in. Thank you for that. Love you!
(When I looked up info on the scene, I was reminded that the song playing during that time was called Fallen Angel).
When we were there for that, I saw that Phantom of the Opera was coming there in December and Kaisa and I ended up seeing that. Kaisa and I also saw Wicked at the Wharton Center at MSU the weekend before. Anyway, Grandma Joonie noticed that Jersey Boys was coming to that same theater in Toledo and mentioned that we should get tickets. Since I had no ideas for her for Christmas, that is what I got her. She had seen it before with Gary somewhere, but she wanted to see it again.
It is the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, kind of a doo-wop group. I wasn't too looking forward to seeing it, but it ended up being SO GOOD! The music was amazing-I never realized how many songs they sang, like Sherry, Walk Like A Man, Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You, December '63 (Oh, What A Night), Working My Way Back to You Babe, etc. After I bought the tickets and printed them out, I noticed that they said "Explicit Content" on them. I was like, "Oh, great!" I looked it up though and it was just for language, which actually wasn't too big of a deal. That's just how they talked back then.
What does any of this have to do with you, you ask. Well, in one scene (which Grandma Joonie forgot about), the lead singer Frankie Valli gets a phone call that his adult daughter had died. (From suicide or a drug overdose or something like that). There weren't a whole lot of lines in that scene, but I remember him saying something like what are you supposed to do to protect your kids, you can't chain them to a bed or anything (I'd like to look up what he said during that scene). In part of the scene, a nurse brings him a box of his daughter's things which said "Valli" on the side.
Needless to say, this was very emotional for me (I'm pretty sure that Grandma, Jill and Kaisa were crying too). During this scene, I was madly fumbling through my purse for the hanky I brought, and of course I couldn't find it. I usually have a hard time finding things in my purse though, so I didn't think much of it. After the show, we were all walking to Jill's car in the parking lot and I say my hanky lying on the ground next to her car. It had fallen out of my purse on the way in, probably when I was fumbling around to get the tickets out. I was actually amazed it was still there on the ground because it was pretty windy out. I took that as a sign from you-that you were there somehow and knew how much pain I was in and am in. Thank you for that. Love you!
(When I looked up info on the scene, I was reminded that the song playing during that time was called Fallen Angel).
Friday, January 13, 2017
God is sovereign
This is from the book again, A Survey of Bible Doctrine by Charles Ryrie, Chapter 1 What Is God Like? This is from #11 God is sovereign.
The concept of sovereignty involves the entire plan of God in all its intricate details of design and outworking. Although he often allows things to take their natural course according to laws which He designed, it is the sovereign God who is working all things according to His wise plan.
For the Christian the idea of sovereignty is an encouraging one, for it assures him that nothing is out of God's control, and that His plans do triumph.
(Side note further down in the chapter: Two sides to a master-servant relationship. On one hand, the servant must give absolute obedience to his master. On the other hand the master obligates himself to take care of the servant.)
The concept of sovereignty involves the entire plan of God in all its intricate details of design and outworking. Although he often allows things to take their natural course according to laws which He designed, it is the sovereign God who is working all things according to His wise plan.
For the Christian the idea of sovereignty is an encouraging one, for it assures him that nothing is out of God's control, and that His plans do triumph.
(Side note further down in the chapter: Two sides to a master-servant relationship. On one hand, the servant must give absolute obedience to his master. On the other hand the master obligates himself to take care of the servant.)
You are rooted
This was on Facebook page today for Luminous Light Studio.
You are rooted deep
within my soul.
A part of me forever.
In the deepest
part of my heart,
there you are.
-Jessi Snapp
God is omniscient
There is a book that Mal Borden just gave us last week that we will be going through in Sunday School. It's called A Survey of Bible Doctrine and it's by Charles C. Ryrie. Our assignment for this week is to read the first chapter which is titled What Is God Like? This was under the subheading 1. God is omniscient.
(Definition first): Omniscience means that God knows everything, and this includes the knowledge not only of things that actually happen but also of things which might happen. This kind of knowledge God had by nature and without the effort of learning.
(Listed several examples of omniscience)
Think again what omniscience means when something tragic occurs in our lives. God knows and has known all about it from the beginning and is working all things out for His glory and our ultimate good.
(Definition first): Omniscience means that God knows everything, and this includes the knowledge not only of things that actually happen but also of things which might happen. This kind of knowledge God had by nature and without the effort of learning.
(Listed several examples of omniscience)
Think again what omniscience means when something tragic occurs in our lives. God knows and has known all about it from the beginning and is working all things out for His glory and our ultimate good.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
The Unseen
From The Daily Bible Verse on Facebook. The verse was Hebrews 1:11: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Here's something from the commentary by Dave Whitehead
Hope in the unseen can strengthen your heart to face tomorrow.
Here's something from the commentary by Dave Whitehead
Hope in the unseen can strengthen your heart to face tomorrow.
Home I'll Be
This is by the Canadian Tenors. I always thought it was saying "harmony" in the lyrics or something, until I saw the title spelled out on Pandora. I was imagining you telling me this around the holidays, that you would be home with us. Thank you sweet boy! Love you so much!
Home I'll Be
I see the mountains, feel the salt air
I have reasons to behold
All the wonders that never cease to be
You're as timeless as the water
You're as gentle as the fields
I caress you, oh, Cape Breton in my dreams
And you never let the hard times
Take away your soul
And you stopped the tears from falling
As you watched the young ones go
You're as peaceful as a clear day
You're as rugged as the seas
I caress you, oh, Cape Breton in my dreams
And home I'll be
Home I'll be
Banish thoughts of leaving
Home I'll be
I see the blue lakes, feel the passion
I have reasons to believe
There are places that will bring you to your knees
I hear voices they are calling
I have reason to pay heed
I caress you, oh, Cape Breton in my dreams
And you kept your arms wide open
To let your children know
Wherever there is distance
The heart is always home
You're as soulful as a choir
You're as ancient as the hills
I caress you, oh, Cape Breton in my dreams
And home I'll be
Home I'll be
Banish thoughts of leaving
Home I'll be
And home I'll be
Home I'll be
Banish thoughts of leaving
Home I'll be
Banish thoughts of leaving
Home I'll be
(Of course, have to look up info on Cape Breton: It's a beautiful island in Nova Scotia, Canada)
How he thinks
Dad has been trying to help more with chores around the house since I told Pastor one of my issues with him is that he is lazy. The chores he does though are of his own choosing-he doesn't ask what needs to be done or how. And when he does do something, he points it out several times, like taking out the trash.
Last night, I heard the door opening and rustling plastic, so I asked if he had gone shopping or something. He told me he took care of the kitchen trash as well as the bathroom trash and Carter's trash. I asked if he found a new bag for Carter's since it's a funny size. He said he just left the same bag in there and I noticed he did that in the bathroom. I told him that he should change the bags too because the bathroom trash gets nasty stuff in it and Carter's trash mostly has food wrappers in it, etc. He answered by saying what he did was fine and that he was a commercial cleaner for a while, so he knows what he is doing.
I was kind of thrown off by his answer, so I was pondering it for a while. Soon after, I realized that I have been a commercial cleaner for 13 years at my dad's office as well as the main person in our home who has taken care of the trash for many years, so I recommended that the bags should be changed for those trashes. The only time at the office that I would not worry about changing a bag is if it mostly just had dry paper in it, like opened envelopes. etc.
Anyway, when I brought that up to Dad about an hour or so later after I realized it, he was like, "Oh, you just couldn't let that go" or something like that. I told him that I had been thinking about it and realized it later because I had been surprised by his earlier response.
This kind of thinking makes no sense to me. No remorse, nothing on his part. Just a firm belief that whatever he did or does is fine and I should just be thankful for the help. If it's not going to be done right and I have to sneak around later and change the bags on my own, what is the point. I know this is petty, but I wanted to remember how twisted his thinking can be. All this after he just got back from attending Wednesday night prayer meeting, which he probably hasn't gone to in YEARS, on a regular basis anyway. I have slacked off from Wednesday nights too since last year, but I had a lot of time in before that. Anyway, I just thought he might have come home in a better mood. Good grief!
Last night, I heard the door opening and rustling plastic, so I asked if he had gone shopping or something. He told me he took care of the kitchen trash as well as the bathroom trash and Carter's trash. I asked if he found a new bag for Carter's since it's a funny size. He said he just left the same bag in there and I noticed he did that in the bathroom. I told him that he should change the bags too because the bathroom trash gets nasty stuff in it and Carter's trash mostly has food wrappers in it, etc. He answered by saying what he did was fine and that he was a commercial cleaner for a while, so he knows what he is doing.
I was kind of thrown off by his answer, so I was pondering it for a while. Soon after, I realized that I have been a commercial cleaner for 13 years at my dad's office as well as the main person in our home who has taken care of the trash for many years, so I recommended that the bags should be changed for those trashes. The only time at the office that I would not worry about changing a bag is if it mostly just had dry paper in it, like opened envelopes. etc.
Anyway, when I brought that up to Dad about an hour or so later after I realized it, he was like, "Oh, you just couldn't let that go" or something like that. I told him that I had been thinking about it and realized it later because I had been surprised by his earlier response.
This kind of thinking makes no sense to me. No remorse, nothing on his part. Just a firm belief that whatever he did or does is fine and I should just be thankful for the help. If it's not going to be done right and I have to sneak around later and change the bags on my own, what is the point. I know this is petty, but I wanted to remember how twisted his thinking can be. All this after he just got back from attending Wednesday night prayer meeting, which he probably hasn't gone to in YEARS, on a regular basis anyway. I have slacked off from Wednesday nights too since last year, but I had a lot of time in before that. Anyway, I just thought he might have come home in a better mood. Good grief!
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
To love at all
This amazing C.S. Lewis quote was in my Bible study book called Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God. This is the Bible study I have with Mrs. Calder, Nance, and Mrs. Johnson. It was part of the chapter about friendship.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless -it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless -it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
On my side
Bible verse of the day from Bible Gateway:
Psalm 118:5-6
I called on the Lord in distress; The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?
Psalm 118:5-6
I called on the Lord in distress; The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?
Fool
This was a quote from Leonard Ravenhill today on Facebook:
You may fool your pastor;
You may fool yourself,
But you will never fool God.
You may fool your pastor;
You may fool yourself,
But you will never fool God.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
God will give you more than you can handle
The title of this blog post is God will give you more than you can handle: I guarantee it. It was written by Kayla Lemmon in 2014 and was shared on the Facebook page Getting Your Breath Back...
This is most of the post with some things left out here and there since I had to copy it down by hand-I couldn't print it out for some reason.
All my life, I've heard this phrase whenever I go through a rough patch. *And by rough patch, I mean a prickly, gnarly patch that leaves me bleeding to near death.* You're probably familiar with those kinds of patches.
"God will never give you more than you can handle" is the phrase I'm referring to.
And it's a great sentiment, really. The people who say it are speaking from caring and concerned hearts.
BUT-it isn't true.
I know that sounds harsh, but I promise I haven't suddenly lost my mind or have become an angry-with-God bitter woman who hates the world. Actually, when I realized the simple fact that God can -and will- give us more than we can possibly bear, it got easier.
And it all started to make more sense.
I've often trudged through trials that overwhelm me. Ever since my childhood there have been trials that have made me "grow up" pretty fast. But granted, I know for a fact you've had your own fair share too, because that's the reality of life. But this last time is the one that shook me to my core and had me searching like a mad woman for answers as to why it was happening and how I could possibly even survive it.
(Her dad died from cancer).
...It's beyond missing him. And even with a firm testimony of the gospel and with peace that he is exactly where the Lord prepared him for, it is still too much for me to handle at times. It steals my breath - and it can steal my joy.
So, the other day, I turned to the Scriptures. I needed help.
I wanted to know where that phrase was that people kept repeating to me in church and at work and over the phone. Why did the Lord "trust me so much?" Why did He think I could handle these kinds of trials?
And then I realized: I couldn't find that quote because it wasn't there.
It never mentions anywhere in the Scriptures that the Lord won't give you more than you can handle. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 10:13 it speaks of Him giving us an escape from temptations so that it's not too much to bear. But when it comes to pain, trials, heartache, and burdens - not once does it say it won't be more than we can bear. Instead, it beautifully says this instead:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me...for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
The words struck my heart, as you can imagine. Christ is speaking to those of us who are carrying burdens much too heavy for our own shoulders. And in that one verse He simply states the reason why we are given more than we can handle. It's so we can come to Him. It's so we can trust Him enough to hand over our heavy, crippling burdens and let Him carry the load.
You might be heavy laden right now like I was before reading and re-reading and re-reading once again this Scripture that has never stuck out to me as much as it has lately.
You might be shrunken with sadness,...And chances are - you might need your Redeemer to find you on the path and take up that heavy cross you're dragging. Besides, even He tells us He's more equipped to carry it, so why not hand it over?
I've come to learn -slowly but surely- why I need Him.
I suppose it's because of pride that I always thought I could just do things on my own. I'm strong, I'd say. I'm a tough cookie. I can help others through their tribulations while carrying mine all by myself. Well - wasn't I wrong.
I didn't really know what needing Him meant until I had no other choice. I didn't know what it meant until I wrapped my arms around my middle so I wouldn't fall apart - or the time I choked on tears and yelled toward Heaven. Or the times when I was utterly alone, and the silence was too much to bear. Those are the times that taught me He's not just a want or a convenient symbol of love or a reason to do good deeds.
No, He's the very air we breathe.
And He's the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply anything but.
This is most of the post with some things left out here and there since I had to copy it down by hand-I couldn't print it out for some reason.
All my life, I've heard this phrase whenever I go through a rough patch. *And by rough patch, I mean a prickly, gnarly patch that leaves me bleeding to near death.* You're probably familiar with those kinds of patches.
"God will never give you more than you can handle" is the phrase I'm referring to.
And it's a great sentiment, really. The people who say it are speaking from caring and concerned hearts.
BUT-it isn't true.
I know that sounds harsh, but I promise I haven't suddenly lost my mind or have become an angry-with-God bitter woman who hates the world. Actually, when I realized the simple fact that God can -and will- give us more than we can possibly bear, it got easier.
And it all started to make more sense.
I've often trudged through trials that overwhelm me. Ever since my childhood there have been trials that have made me "grow up" pretty fast. But granted, I know for a fact you've had your own fair share too, because that's the reality of life. But this last time is the one that shook me to my core and had me searching like a mad woman for answers as to why it was happening and how I could possibly even survive it.
(Her dad died from cancer).
...It's beyond missing him. And even with a firm testimony of the gospel and with peace that he is exactly where the Lord prepared him for, it is still too much for me to handle at times. It steals my breath - and it can steal my joy.
So, the other day, I turned to the Scriptures. I needed help.
I wanted to know where that phrase was that people kept repeating to me in church and at work and over the phone. Why did the Lord "trust me so much?" Why did He think I could handle these kinds of trials?
And then I realized: I couldn't find that quote because it wasn't there.
It never mentions anywhere in the Scriptures that the Lord won't give you more than you can handle. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 10:13 it speaks of Him giving us an escape from temptations so that it's not too much to bear. But when it comes to pain, trials, heartache, and burdens - not once does it say it won't be more than we can bear. Instead, it beautifully says this instead:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me...for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
The words struck my heart, as you can imagine. Christ is speaking to those of us who are carrying burdens much too heavy for our own shoulders. And in that one verse He simply states the reason why we are given more than we can handle. It's so we can come to Him. It's so we can trust Him enough to hand over our heavy, crippling burdens and let Him carry the load.
You might be heavy laden right now like I was before reading and re-reading and re-reading once again this Scripture that has never stuck out to me as much as it has lately.
You might be shrunken with sadness,...And chances are - you might need your Redeemer to find you on the path and take up that heavy cross you're dragging. Besides, even He tells us He's more equipped to carry it, so why not hand it over?
I've come to learn -slowly but surely- why I need Him.
I suppose it's because of pride that I always thought I could just do things on my own. I'm strong, I'd say. I'm a tough cookie. I can help others through their tribulations while carrying mine all by myself. Well - wasn't I wrong.
I didn't really know what needing Him meant until I had no other choice. I didn't know what it meant until I wrapped my arms around my middle so I wouldn't fall apart - or the time I choked on tears and yelled toward Heaven. Or the times when I was utterly alone, and the silence was too much to bear. Those are the times that taught me He's not just a want or a convenient symbol of love or a reason to do good deeds.
No, He's the very air we breathe.
And He's the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply anything but.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Forgive the inexcusable
Quote from C.S. Lewis:
To be a Christian is to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
To be a Christian is to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
Never wasted
This is from the Facebook page, Getting Your Breath Back... by Kim Niles.
With God, pain is NEVER in vain because He never allows our hurts or heartaches to be wasted.
With God, pain is NEVER in vain because He never allows our hurts or heartaches to be wasted.
Overwhelmed
This is a quote by A.W. Tozer:
Sometimes when we get overwhelmed
We forget how big God is.
That is a good way to describe how I am feeling these days. I'm off my routine and it's hard to remember what day it is with the kids being off of school still. The holidays messed me up too with the Mondays off, I missed trash day last week which really bothered me, etc. I am surprised how much I depend on my routines.
I have also been thinking a lot about Pastor questioning my Christianity, even after I explained my position. It actually angers me. I don't know how to deal with the disappointment of basically idolizing and idealizing someone for so long who is now letting me down by doubting my beliefs. How come he always takes Dad's side? Just because he's "the man"? What about all of the things he has done and hasn't done (I'm referring to Dad)? What about all of the stuff Pastor Saxe has done? Ashley Reid? I don't think (actually I know) that Christians aren't perfect. We are still human and have the pull of the sin nature to deal with. It's a process, and people struggle with different things at different times. I know that our behavior is the only way that people can see if we are truly saved or not, but I don't think God makes it so hard for people to know they are saved or not, like people who have been "saved" time and time again. What do people do who are saved on their deathbed? There is no time for observable fruit. God knows and I know that I am saved. That doesn't mean I'm still not going to mess up.
And then Dad is trying to help more which makes me question why he hasn't helped all of these years, especially when you guys were younger. I really could have used the help then. Even him being willing to pick up the pizza last night and taking out the trash makes a big difference. It would have made a bigger difference then. Him changing his ways makes me realize that I was right all those years and how they could have been much easier if he could have just cooperated instead of fighting me every step of the way. What I needed wasn't much-just a little support. And realizing that I was right all along. That it was mostly him.
Sometimes when we get overwhelmed
We forget how big God is.
That is a good way to describe how I am feeling these days. I'm off my routine and it's hard to remember what day it is with the kids being off of school still. The holidays messed me up too with the Mondays off, I missed trash day last week which really bothered me, etc. I am surprised how much I depend on my routines.
I have also been thinking a lot about Pastor questioning my Christianity, even after I explained my position. It actually angers me. I don't know how to deal with the disappointment of basically idolizing and idealizing someone for so long who is now letting me down by doubting my beliefs. How come he always takes Dad's side? Just because he's "the man"? What about all of the things he has done and hasn't done (I'm referring to Dad)? What about all of the stuff Pastor Saxe has done? Ashley Reid? I don't think (actually I know) that Christians aren't perfect. We are still human and have the pull of the sin nature to deal with. It's a process, and people struggle with different things at different times. I know that our behavior is the only way that people can see if we are truly saved or not, but I don't think God makes it so hard for people to know they are saved or not, like people who have been "saved" time and time again. What do people do who are saved on their deathbed? There is no time for observable fruit. God knows and I know that I am saved. That doesn't mean I'm still not going to mess up.
And then Dad is trying to help more which makes me question why he hasn't helped all of these years, especially when you guys were younger. I really could have used the help then. Even him being willing to pick up the pizza last night and taking out the trash makes a big difference. It would have made a bigger difference then. Him changing his ways makes me realize that I was right all those years and how they could have been much easier if he could have just cooperated instead of fighting me every step of the way. What I needed wasn't much-just a little support. And realizing that I was right all along. That it was mostly him.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Odd coincidence
I was watching an ABC news special last night that Taryn worked on about the Menendez brothers who killed their parents in 1989. Guess what the date of the murder was - August 20, 1989.
Regardless
I was looking back on the Facebook page Getting Your Breath Back... and here's a lovely thought:
I would only be grateful when I realized I would rather have known you for a moment than never at all. I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving you than to never have seen your face, spoken your name. I would rather be yours and you be mine, regardless. Regardless of the sorrow, regardless of the ache, and regardless of the years I will walk this earth carrying you - not in my arms - but in my heart.
I would only be grateful when I realized I would rather have known you for a moment than never at all. I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving you than to never have seen your face, spoken your name. I would rather be yours and you be mine, regardless. Regardless of the sorrow, regardless of the ache, and regardless of the years I will walk this earth carrying you - not in my arms - but in my heart.
We don't forget
The Facebook posts by Kim Niles on the Facebook page, Getting Your Breath Back After Life & Grief Knocks It Out of You are amazing. I can see myself recording every one! Anyway, here's yesterday's:
The reality is that we don't forget, move on, and have closure, but rather we honor, we remember, and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing journey. (This is a quote from Harriet Schiff, whom I believe wrote the book The Bereaved Parent).
Oh, how I love this great quote I saw today! I truly believe there is SO much healing in remembering and honoring our deceased loved ones...and also doing things in their honor so we can show how much they will always mean to us. NEVER feel bad for remembering and honoring your loved ones. It's a beautiful way of saying, "I miss you...I love you...you are very important to me!" (This is my favorite part of this whole message): And I believe God allows them to realize how much we love and remember them too!
The reality is that we don't forget, move on, and have closure, but rather we honor, we remember, and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing journey. (This is a quote from Harriet Schiff, whom I believe wrote the book The Bereaved Parent).
Oh, how I love this great quote I saw today! I truly believe there is SO much healing in remembering and honoring our deceased loved ones...and also doing things in their honor so we can show how much they will always mean to us. NEVER feel bad for remembering and honoring your loved ones. It's a beautiful way of saying, "I miss you...I love you...you are very important to me!" (This is my favorite part of this whole message): And I believe God allows them to realize how much we love and remember them too!
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Lovingly Borrowed
The lady who wrote the Grief Bites series has an amazing-looking book I need to get and a Facebook page that is wonderful so far. I'm glad to still have encouraging things to read from her because I was sad when the two devotional series (is there a plural of series?) I went through ended. Her name is Kim Niles.
I tried to share this post on my Facebook page but the only thing that showed up on my wall was the link to the page. It's an amazing perspective and a lovely thought.
Today, as I was talking to someone who deeply misses a loved one, we were talking about how we long for the day when we will be able to hug our treasured loved ones again and talk with them face to face.
I wonder if God ever feels the same way?...The Bible says He knew each of us before He even knit us together in our mother's womb. God sends His children to earth to be born to specific parents and families so they can grow up to fulfill their life purpose. I bet He longs for the day when He finally gets to talk to each of us face to face and hug all of us.
He doesn't need us...yet He WANTS us--He loves us and desires to be the most important part of our life.
God is so amazing to let us be here on earth and to enjoy our loved ones before HE fully gets time with us. What a selfless act of genuine love to share our loved ones and us with our family and friends until He calls all of us back Home.
When the temptation comes in to make us believe God took a loved one away from us, we need to realize that it was the opposite. We lovingly borrowed our loved ones from Him.
I tried to share this post on my Facebook page but the only thing that showed up on my wall was the link to the page. It's an amazing perspective and a lovely thought.
Today, as I was talking to someone who deeply misses a loved one, we were talking about how we long for the day when we will be able to hug our treasured loved ones again and talk with them face to face.
I wonder if God ever feels the same way?...The Bible says He knew each of us before He even knit us together in our mother's womb. God sends His children to earth to be born to specific parents and families so they can grow up to fulfill their life purpose. I bet He longs for the day when He finally gets to talk to each of us face to face and hug all of us.
He doesn't need us...yet He WANTS us--He loves us and desires to be the most important part of our life.
God is so amazing to let us be here on earth and to enjoy our loved ones before HE fully gets time with us. What a selfless act of genuine love to share our loved ones and us with our family and friends until He calls all of us back Home.
When the temptation comes in to make us believe God took a loved one away from us, we need to realize that it was the opposite. We lovingly borrowed our loved ones from Him.
The plan
I always appreciate quotes from Toby Mac. I know him more for his quotes than for his music. Anyway, this one was on Facebook yesterday:
The plan for your life far exceeds the circumstances of today.
The plan for your life far exceeds the circumstances of today.
Best 17 years ever
On the Oscar award at your gravestone that Jake has, I try to write something new on it whenever I am there. I had to think a while the other day because I feel like I've written everything, but this thought came to mind and it was perfect:
Hayden Smith Academy Award Winner for Best: 17 years ever
Love you!
Hayden Smith Academy Award Winner for Best: 17 years ever
Love you!
Can't wait
A memory popped up on my Facebook that I may or may not share, but I found it interesting because what I said then could be applied in our situation now (and by situation, I mean yours and mine).
I shared a picture of Haiti that Poured Out shared and here is what I said:
Looks like a successful trip! Hayden is on his way home now. Can't wait to see him and hear all of his stories!
I bet you have a ton of stories to tell me since your trip home to heaven. Can't wait to hear them!
I shared a picture of Haiti that Poured Out shared and here is what I said:
Looks like a successful trip! Hayden is on his way home now. Can't wait to see him and hear all of his stories!
I bet you have a ton of stories to tell me since your trip home to heaven. Can't wait to hear them!
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Blessed Are the Dead
This was from today's entry from Days of Praise, the daily devotional booklet that we get from church.
"And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and their works do follow them." (Revelation 14:13)
This promise applies specifically to those recent believers who will suffer martyrdom during the last half of the awful tribulation period ("henceforth," in context). But dealing as it does with the state of the believing dead, in principle, it surely likewise applies to all who die "in the Lord."
How are they blessed? In numerous ways, according to this verse.
First, they are blessed in that they "rest from their labors." In this life we earn our physical sustenance by the "sweat of (our) face" (Genesis 3:19). Here we must work hard to train our minds (Ecclesiastes 12:12). Now we constantly battle our inward, fallen nature: "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24). Even as we attempt to serve our fellow man, our efforts are spurned and rejected. Not so for the dead! There all these labors will cease, and joyous, eternal service to the Lamb will commence (Revelation 22:3).
Secondly, they are blessed in that their labors continue to bear fruit even after they have gone. Perhaps even a previous word or act of testimony will be the eventual tool God uses to bring someone to Himself, and the reward will be properly distributed. No act done to the glory of God will pass unnoticed.
Thirdly, what a blessing to know that this state is promised by the very Spirit of God Himself. One's worth at death is not measured by the content and sincerity of the opinions of friends at his funeral.
This doctrine should produce both great courage for the Christian and great comfort for the bereaved. JDM
"And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and their works do follow them." (Revelation 14:13)
This promise applies specifically to those recent believers who will suffer martyrdom during the last half of the awful tribulation period ("henceforth," in context). But dealing as it does with the state of the believing dead, in principle, it surely likewise applies to all who die "in the Lord."
How are they blessed? In numerous ways, according to this verse.
First, they are blessed in that they "rest from their labors." In this life we earn our physical sustenance by the "sweat of (our) face" (Genesis 3:19). Here we must work hard to train our minds (Ecclesiastes 12:12). Now we constantly battle our inward, fallen nature: "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24). Even as we attempt to serve our fellow man, our efforts are spurned and rejected. Not so for the dead! There all these labors will cease, and joyous, eternal service to the Lamb will commence (Revelation 22:3).
Secondly, they are blessed in that their labors continue to bear fruit even after they have gone. Perhaps even a previous word or act of testimony will be the eventual tool God uses to bring someone to Himself, and the reward will be properly distributed. No act done to the glory of God will pass unnoticed.
Thirdly, what a blessing to know that this state is promised by the very Spirit of God Himself. One's worth at death is not measured by the content and sincerity of the opinions of friends at his funeral.
This doctrine should produce both great courage for the Christian and great comfort for the bereaved. JDM
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