Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 136:1,26
Thanksgiving to God for His Enduring Mercy
Oh, give thanks to the Lord for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
Oh, give thanks to the God of heaven!
For His mercy endures forever.
Friday, November 30, 2018
Thursday, November 29, 2018
Gambling
From Flying Free
Many irresponsible people, especially abusers, will say, "I've tried SO HARD," or "I've done everything I can possibly do" or whatever. Great emotional emphasis, pleading for sympathy and support for their 'efforts'.
But they're gambling.
You know what they are gambling? They are gambling that their manipulative emotional appeals will be accepted, not challenged. They are gambling that if they keep the conversation emotional, they can avoid the practical. If they can keep the conversation generic, they can avoid specifics.
Emotional generalities are powerful tools in the hands and mouth of a manipulator. Most people accept emotional generalities. It is easy for manipulators to distract most counselors from asking the important, confrontational questions. And it is usually easy to distract everyone so they don't notice that the manipulative person isn't really answering the important questions.
Another strategy is that manipulators fill up the air with their own talking. They do not leave space for the thoughts of others. This is conversation control and mind control.
They also keep the conversation at high speed, with no breaks. This keeps the interaction reactive, instead of responsive. They leave no time for deep and careful thinking.
It takes discernment, skill, patience, and self-control to deal with this. Again, most people don't even recognize what the irresponsible person is doing.
But when someone does recognize it, and calls it out, the abuser will either slink away or blow up.
One of the most important things to do is to cut through the emotionalism and to ask specific questions - then to insist on specific answers, with bulldog tenacity.
"You said that you 'tried so hard.' What exactly did you do?"
Watch the abuser flounder, panic and throw a fit when specific questions are directed at him."
Many irresponsible people, especially abusers, will say, "I've tried SO HARD," or "I've done everything I can possibly do" or whatever. Great emotional emphasis, pleading for sympathy and support for their 'efforts'.
But they're gambling.
You know what they are gambling? They are gambling that their manipulative emotional appeals will be accepted, not challenged. They are gambling that if they keep the conversation emotional, they can avoid the practical. If they can keep the conversation generic, they can avoid specifics.
Emotional generalities are powerful tools in the hands and mouth of a manipulator. Most people accept emotional generalities. It is easy for manipulators to distract most counselors from asking the important, confrontational questions. And it is usually easy to distract everyone so they don't notice that the manipulative person isn't really answering the important questions.
Another strategy is that manipulators fill up the air with their own talking. They do not leave space for the thoughts of others. This is conversation control and mind control.
They also keep the conversation at high speed, with no breaks. This keeps the interaction reactive, instead of responsive. They leave no time for deep and careful thinking.
It takes discernment, skill, patience, and self-control to deal with this. Again, most people don't even recognize what the irresponsible person is doing.
But when someone does recognize it, and calls it out, the abuser will either slink away or blow up.
One of the most important things to do is to cut through the emotionalism and to ask specific questions - then to insist on specific answers, with bulldog tenacity.
"You said that you 'tried so hard.' What exactly did you do?"
Watch the abuser flounder, panic and throw a fit when specific questions are directed at him."
Authentic selves
By Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse
Recovery from psychological abuse involves having the freedom to be our authentic selves, not some watered down versions so as not to offend the delicate senses of finicky abusers.
Recovery from psychological abuse involves having the freedom to be our authentic selves, not some watered down versions so as not to offend the delicate senses of finicky abusers.
Too short
By Dr. Suess
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get the chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get the chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
Anxiety attacks
This was helpful information. Unfortunately, I've experienced some of these forms
Anxiety attacks aren't always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth
Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:
-Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability
-Nit-pickiness (obsessive behavior, which may be a part of OCD), and even a hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change
-Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words
-Not talking at all
-Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming "zoned out"
Understanding the way our or other's anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help to calm the person faster and get them out of that state. These are just a few, but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come.
Anxiety attacks aren't always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth
Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:
-Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability
-Nit-pickiness (obsessive behavior, which may be a part of OCD), and even a hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change
-Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words
-Not talking at all
-Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming "zoned out"
Understanding the way our or other's anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help to calm the person faster and get them out of that state. These are just a few, but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come.
Justify
From Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse
Sometimes people will try to JUSTIFY TOXIC BEHAVIORS in a marriage or partnership by saying things such as, "All couples have problems."
Sometimes people will try to JUSTIFY TOXIC BEHAVIORS in a marriage or partnership by saying things such as, "All couples have problems."
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Shifting
This sounds very familiar. Lisa R. shared it
Shifting
As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.
Shifting
As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.
Smear campaign
Trying to defend against a narcissist's smear campaign is a waste of precious emotional energy that you will need. Do not try to sway their supporters into siding with you.
The narcissist has anticipated all that you might say and has already countered them by planting a very credible sounding rendition of the truth in their minds long before the relationship ended.
The narcissist has anticipated all that you might say and has already countered them by planting a very credible sounding rendition of the truth in their minds long before the relationship ended.
Ugly side
People will provoke you until they bring out your ugly side, then play victim when you go there.
The Suffering Wife
Posted on Flying Free FB page but from Feminine Firebrand
My Thoughts on the Glorification of the "Suffering Wife"
No matter which brand of theology we are talking about - whether we are talking about the theology of Lori Alexander or the theology of Pastor John Gray - one common thread that runs throughout much of the religious-system is the glorification of the "suffering wife."
Who or What is the Suffering Wife?
The suffering wife is sometimes propped up as the ideal wife that all women should aspire to be and emulate in marriage. She is considered to be spiritual and virtuous, mainly because of her willingness to silently and submissively endure a great deal of pain, cruelty, and mistreatment at the hands of her ungodly, immature, and sometimes adulterous, or even abusive husband.
The suffering wife is praised and commended, not for her faith in God, not for her positive character traits, or for her accomplishments, but for her ability to tolerate continual and unrepentant disrespect, deceit, serial adultery, abuse, abandonment, addiction, and irresponsibility.
Her femininity isn't defined be her femaleness, but by her level of sacrifice and subservience to her husband. If she is not willing to make herself a martyr for her marriage or for her husband, then according to some figures in the religious-system, she is not adhering to "Biblical womanhood" or being truly "feminine."
The happily married wife who is in a healthy marriage with a husband who loves her as Christ loves the Church is rarely glorified. Instead, the unhappily married suffering wife who is in a toxic marriage with a husband who mistreats her without repentance is glorified and held up as the example that women should follow. The Scriptures praise the Proverbs 31 woman who was in a healthy marriage with an honorable husband, but somehow, over time, the Proverbs 31 woman has
morphed into the suffering wife in a toxic marriage with a dishonorable husband. How did this happen?
Instead of preparing women for healthy marriages, women are being prepared for toxic marriages and subtly programmed to settle for highly dysfunctional relationships. Women are repeatedly told ahead of time that "marriage isn't about being happy" so that they don't expect their husbands to make them happy, but in contradiction to that, they are taught that women set the tone in the home and that it is a woman's responsibility to create a happy home and make her husband happy. So the suffering wife should not expect to have a happy marriage or for her husband to make her happy, but she is supposed to exhaust herself trying to make her husband happy even if he brings her agony and sorrow? This makes no sense and it is a double standard.
The concept of the suffering wife is dangerous because it is used to encourage women to stay with men who are abusive, adulterous, and/or abandon them and their children. Much harm has been done to women and children, because women were taught that their gender role is to endure inhumane, barbaric, dehumanizing mistreatment under the guise of "suffering for Christ," and that this makes them godly, spiritual, and virtuous.
The prudent wife who flees from harm or seeks a Biblical divorce from a husband who commits adultery, abuse, or abandonment without repentance, is rarely, if ever, glorified and praised or propped up as an example of the ideal wife. In fact, sometimes the prudent wife is seen as being rebellious, ungodly, worldly, disobedient, in-submissive and breaking the marriage covenant. Most of the time, the suffering wife is glorified and exalted as the wife who is obeying God's will. This kind of teaching might benefit ungodly husbands who expect to be served and submitted to unconditionally, but it doesn't benefit women and children.
Yes, we will suffer in this world, including in marriage - marriage is no bed of roses. But neither is marriage all about suffering and how much pain you can endure at the hands of your own husband. Your spouse will not make you happy all of the time, but neither should they cause you sorrow and grief most of the time either, and if they are, please know that it isn't normal and you need to talk about it with a trustworthy wise individual who can help you.
If you are the suffering wife, no amount of sermons and articles praising wives who endure on-going pain and cruelty will take away your depression, PTSD, disappointment, righteous indignation, or heal your broken heart. You need to seek professional help for the sake of your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, and for the sake of your children.
Yes, there are examples in Scripture of people suffering in marriage, but there are also examples of people in healthy marriages, so there needs to be more balance in what is being taught to women (and men) and the narrative needs to change. Teaching women to be suffering wives and not to expect to have healthy marriages with husbands who love them as Christ loves the Church is hardly a recipe for healthy women and healthy men who create strong loving stable marriages and healthy families.
My Thoughts on the Glorification of the "Suffering Wife"
No matter which brand of theology we are talking about - whether we are talking about the theology of Lori Alexander or the theology of Pastor John Gray - one common thread that runs throughout much of the religious-system is the glorification of the "suffering wife."
Who or What is the Suffering Wife?
The suffering wife is sometimes propped up as the ideal wife that all women should aspire to be and emulate in marriage. She is considered to be spiritual and virtuous, mainly because of her willingness to silently and submissively endure a great deal of pain, cruelty, and mistreatment at the hands of her ungodly, immature, and sometimes adulterous, or even abusive husband.
The suffering wife is praised and commended, not for her faith in God, not for her positive character traits, or for her accomplishments, but for her ability to tolerate continual and unrepentant disrespect, deceit, serial adultery, abuse, abandonment, addiction, and irresponsibility.
Her femininity isn't defined be her femaleness, but by her level of sacrifice and subservience to her husband. If she is not willing to make herself a martyr for her marriage or for her husband, then according to some figures in the religious-system, she is not adhering to "Biblical womanhood" or being truly "feminine."
The happily married wife who is in a healthy marriage with a husband who loves her as Christ loves the Church is rarely glorified. Instead, the unhappily married suffering wife who is in a toxic marriage with a husband who mistreats her without repentance is glorified and held up as the example that women should follow. The Scriptures praise the Proverbs 31 woman who was in a healthy marriage with an honorable husband, but somehow, over time, the Proverbs 31 woman has
morphed into the suffering wife in a toxic marriage with a dishonorable husband. How did this happen?
Instead of preparing women for healthy marriages, women are being prepared for toxic marriages and subtly programmed to settle for highly dysfunctional relationships. Women are repeatedly told ahead of time that "marriage isn't about being happy" so that they don't expect their husbands to make them happy, but in contradiction to that, they are taught that women set the tone in the home and that it is a woman's responsibility to create a happy home and make her husband happy. So the suffering wife should not expect to have a happy marriage or for her husband to make her happy, but she is supposed to exhaust herself trying to make her husband happy even if he brings her agony and sorrow? This makes no sense and it is a double standard.
The concept of the suffering wife is dangerous because it is used to encourage women to stay with men who are abusive, adulterous, and/or abandon them and their children. Much harm has been done to women and children, because women were taught that their gender role is to endure inhumane, barbaric, dehumanizing mistreatment under the guise of "suffering for Christ," and that this makes them godly, spiritual, and virtuous.
The prudent wife who flees from harm or seeks a Biblical divorce from a husband who commits adultery, abuse, or abandonment without repentance, is rarely, if ever, glorified and praised or propped up as an example of the ideal wife. In fact, sometimes the prudent wife is seen as being rebellious, ungodly, worldly, disobedient, in-submissive and breaking the marriage covenant. Most of the time, the suffering wife is glorified and exalted as the wife who is obeying God's will. This kind of teaching might benefit ungodly husbands who expect to be served and submitted to unconditionally, but it doesn't benefit women and children.
Yes, we will suffer in this world, including in marriage - marriage is no bed of roses. But neither is marriage all about suffering and how much pain you can endure at the hands of your own husband. Your spouse will not make you happy all of the time, but neither should they cause you sorrow and grief most of the time either, and if they are, please know that it isn't normal and you need to talk about it with a trustworthy wise individual who can help you.
If you are the suffering wife, no amount of sermons and articles praising wives who endure on-going pain and cruelty will take away your depression, PTSD, disappointment, righteous indignation, or heal your broken heart. You need to seek professional help for the sake of your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, and for the sake of your children.
Yes, there are examples in Scripture of people suffering in marriage, but there are also examples of people in healthy marriages, so there needs to be more balance in what is being taught to women (and men) and the narrative needs to change. Teaching women to be suffering wives and not to expect to have healthy marriages with husbands who love them as Christ loves the Church is hardly a recipe for healthy women and healthy men who create strong loving stable marriages and healthy families.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
C-PTSD
From Flying Free
Why Emotional and Spiritual Abuse Causes C-PTSD
Most of us have heard of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can occur when a person witnesses a terrifying or traumatic event such as a car accident, a murder, a fire, etc. But what about C-PTSD?
According to Wikipedia, complex-post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is "thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. C-PTSD is associated with sexual, emotional or physical abuse or neglect in childhood, intimate partner violence, victims of kidnapping and hostage situations, indentured servants, victims of slavery, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, victims of bullying, concentration camp survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations. Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such) can lead to C-PTSD-like symptoms, which include prolonged feelings of terror, worthlessness, helplessness, and deformation of one's identity and sense of self."
Think about a patriarchal (complementarian) marriage.
"Complementarians assign primary headship roles to men and support roles to women - based on their interpretation of certain biblical passages. One of the precepts of Complementarianism is that while women may assist in the decision-making process, the ultimate authority for the decision is the purview of the male in marriage, courtship, and in the polity of churches subscribing to this view."
By its definition, there is an uneven power dynamic in a complementarian marriage that is truly functioning according to complementarian rules and not egalitarian ideals (a school of thought that promotes equality for all regardless of gender).
Please note: there are some who CLAIM to be complementarian in their beliefs, and yet their marriages are functioning practically as egalitarian marriages. It's important to maintain consistency with reality, not just verbal head nods in one direction or another.
So when you have an uneven power dynamic in a marriage PLUS emotional abuse (and spiritual abuse if the husband or church are telling the woman she is at fault for pointing out the abuse) PLUS the teaching that divorce is wrong, and no matter what the "authority/husband" does to her, she is stuck in the marriage until she dies...
You've got all the ingredients for an emotionally and physically crippling case of C-PTSD.
How is this scenario any different from a prisoner of war? They are being brainwashed with controlling propaganda, held against their will and told it's good for them, put in a place of subservience with all their actions controlled by others, told their opinions are meaningless; their experiences rubbish, and dehumanized with no way out.
So the woman of faith in an emotionally abusive marriage has her freedom of thought, action, opinion, and choice stripped away. She is disrespected as a human being. Viewed as less-than by virtue of her lack of a particular body part.
Most of the abuse targets I work with have full blown cases of C-PTSD, and they are largely unaware of it. Many of you reading this live with the debilitating symptoms of C-PTSD every day of your lives. It's a killer. Here are some of them:
-Persistent anxiety and unrest
-Difficulty regulating emotions
-Difficulty in remembering events surrounding abusive "incidents"
-Reliving experiences (I call it looping) over and over in an effort to "solve" the problem
-Helplessness
-Paralysis of initiative
-Shame
-Guilt
-Self-blame
-A sense of being different from the rest of the human race
-Attributing total power to the perpetrator (they seem more powerful than they really are)
-Becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator
-A sense of alliance with the perpetrator and relief when buying into the perps' belief system
-Rationalizing the abuse
-Repeated desperate search for a rescuer - someone who will listen and validate their experiences - the feeling that unless someone believes them, it can't be true
-Repeated failure to protect themselves
-Loss of sustaining faith that borders on despair
-Disconnection that alternates with feelings of terror and confusion
They experience physical health problems as a result of all this emotional disregulation in their lives as well.
-Anxiety
-Depression
-Chronic fatigue syndrome
-Back and neck problems
-Chronic headaches
-Vision problems
-Nerve twitches
-Insomnia
-Gastrointestinal issues
-Heart palpitations
-Panic attacks
-Asthma
-Stress
-Immune system breakdown
-Endocrine system breakdow
-Unbalanced hormones
-Brain fog
Over a long period of time, their health can break down permanently, and this is why I continue to insist that emotional abuse is a covert kind of physical abuse rendered all the worse for the fact that it cannot be proven by the victim.
C-PTSD is NOT a personality disorder. But it occurs as a result of living with a personality disordered individual for a length of time. It can happen to anyone put in those circumstances regardless of their original personality, their strength, their intelligence, their skill set, their will to survive or problem-solve, and so forth.
Emotional and spiritual abuse is an epidemic in conservative Christian circles (as well as religions like Islam and Judaism) because of their misogynistic beliefs about women.
So what do we do about it?
1. We educate ourselves. We read and learn all we can about it. We listen to survivors. We examine our own beliefs about women and how they line up with how Christ viewed women. We figure out why it is that we think a body part makes some people "authority figures" over other people. We figure out where our faith traditions strayed from what the Bible teaches about humanity. Both men AND women.
2. We speak the truth out loud even though it makes people angry. We learn to tolerate the disapproval of men in order to gain the approval of our Heavenly Father. We see people as small, and we see God as BIG.
3. If we are a survivor, we get help for ourselves. We don't wait for a rescuer. We grab hold of Jesus Christ, and we learn and grow strong. Strong enough to break free. We get therapy (not from a Biblical counselor who knows nothing about emotional abuse, but from a trained therapist who diagnoses C-PTSD). EMDR therapy is a proven therapy for sufferers of C-PTSD. We find a community of women that know the unique dynamic of abuse, especially in the context of faith.
4. We tell our stories. We empathize with abuse targets. We call a spade a spade. We get out of our legalistic prisons and we find hope and freedom through Christ.
Why Emotional and Spiritual Abuse Causes C-PTSD
Most of us have heard of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can occur when a person witnesses a terrifying or traumatic event such as a car accident, a murder, a fire, etc. But what about C-PTSD?
According to Wikipedia, complex-post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is "thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. C-PTSD is associated with sexual, emotional or physical abuse or neglect in childhood, intimate partner violence, victims of kidnapping and hostage situations, indentured servants, victims of slavery, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, victims of bullying, concentration camp survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations. Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such) can lead to C-PTSD-like symptoms, which include prolonged feelings of terror, worthlessness, helplessness, and deformation of one's identity and sense of self."
Think about a patriarchal (complementarian) marriage.
"Complementarians assign primary headship roles to men and support roles to women - based on their interpretation of certain biblical passages. One of the precepts of Complementarianism is that while women may assist in the decision-making process, the ultimate authority for the decision is the purview of the male in marriage, courtship, and in the polity of churches subscribing to this view."
By its definition, there is an uneven power dynamic in a complementarian marriage that is truly functioning according to complementarian rules and not egalitarian ideals (a school of thought that promotes equality for all regardless of gender).
Please note: there are some who CLAIM to be complementarian in their beliefs, and yet their marriages are functioning practically as egalitarian marriages. It's important to maintain consistency with reality, not just verbal head nods in one direction or another.
So when you have an uneven power dynamic in a marriage PLUS emotional abuse (and spiritual abuse if the husband or church are telling the woman she is at fault for pointing out the abuse) PLUS the teaching that divorce is wrong, and no matter what the "authority/husband" does to her, she is stuck in the marriage until she dies...
You've got all the ingredients for an emotionally and physically crippling case of C-PTSD.
How is this scenario any different from a prisoner of war? They are being brainwashed with controlling propaganda, held against their will and told it's good for them, put in a place of subservience with all their actions controlled by others, told their opinions are meaningless; their experiences rubbish, and dehumanized with no way out.
So the woman of faith in an emotionally abusive marriage has her freedom of thought, action, opinion, and choice stripped away. She is disrespected as a human being. Viewed as less-than by virtue of her lack of a particular body part.
Most of the abuse targets I work with have full blown cases of C-PTSD, and they are largely unaware of it. Many of you reading this live with the debilitating symptoms of C-PTSD every day of your lives. It's a killer. Here are some of them:
-Persistent anxiety and unrest
-Difficulty regulating emotions
-Difficulty in remembering events surrounding abusive "incidents"
-Reliving experiences (I call it looping) over and over in an effort to "solve" the problem
-Helplessness
-Paralysis of initiative
-Shame
-Guilt
-Self-blame
-A sense of being different from the rest of the human race
-Attributing total power to the perpetrator (they seem more powerful than they really are)
-Becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator
-A sense of alliance with the perpetrator and relief when buying into the perps' belief system
-Rationalizing the abuse
-Repeated desperate search for a rescuer - someone who will listen and validate their experiences - the feeling that unless someone believes them, it can't be true
-Repeated failure to protect themselves
-Loss of sustaining faith that borders on despair
-Disconnection that alternates with feelings of terror and confusion
They experience physical health problems as a result of all this emotional disregulation in their lives as well.
-Anxiety
-Depression
-Chronic fatigue syndrome
-Back and neck problems
-Chronic headaches
-Vision problems
-Nerve twitches
-Insomnia
-Gastrointestinal issues
-Heart palpitations
-Panic attacks
-Asthma
-Stress
-Immune system breakdown
-Endocrine system breakdow
-Unbalanced hormones
-Brain fog
Over a long period of time, their health can break down permanently, and this is why I continue to insist that emotional abuse is a covert kind of physical abuse rendered all the worse for the fact that it cannot be proven by the victim.
C-PTSD is NOT a personality disorder. But it occurs as a result of living with a personality disordered individual for a length of time. It can happen to anyone put in those circumstances regardless of their original personality, their strength, their intelligence, their skill set, their will to survive or problem-solve, and so forth.
Emotional and spiritual abuse is an epidemic in conservative Christian circles (as well as religions like Islam and Judaism) because of their misogynistic beliefs about women.
So what do we do about it?
1. We educate ourselves. We read and learn all we can about it. We listen to survivors. We examine our own beliefs about women and how they line up with how Christ viewed women. We figure out why it is that we think a body part makes some people "authority figures" over other people. We figure out where our faith traditions strayed from what the Bible teaches about humanity. Both men AND women.
2. We speak the truth out loud even though it makes people angry. We learn to tolerate the disapproval of men in order to gain the approval of our Heavenly Father. We see people as small, and we see God as BIG.
3. If we are a survivor, we get help for ourselves. We don't wait for a rescuer. We grab hold of Jesus Christ, and we learn and grow strong. Strong enough to break free. We get therapy (not from a Biblical counselor who knows nothing about emotional abuse, but from a trained therapist who diagnoses C-PTSD). EMDR therapy is a proven therapy for sufferers of C-PTSD. We find a community of women that know the unique dynamic of abuse, especially in the context of faith.
4. We tell our stories. We empathize with abuse targets. We call a spade a spade. We get out of our legalistic prisons and we find hope and freedom through Christ.
A twist
From Flying Free
A Twist on the Good Samaritan
The Good Non-Believer
There was once a Christian woman who got married. Shortly after her wedding day, she was attacked by her husband. He took her dignity and reputation, shamed her, blamed her, treated her like his property, and left her half-dead, along in her home.
Luckily, a small group leader from church was on her way down the same road of marriage, but when she saw the woman, she angled across to the other side muttering, "If she only had done things differently in her marriage, she wouldn't be in the mess she's in. She obviously didn't pay attention in Bible Study all those years. She should know that some women are called to suffer. She ought to count it all joy, but instead she is wallowing in self-pity. How selfish. What a spiritual mess." Whereupon she flung a Bible over her shoulder at the woman, hitting her in the head.
Then an elder from church showed up, but he also avoided the woman saying, "I've heard some concerning things about that woman from her husband. She's an angry gossip who doesn't respect him or submit to him properly. She makes up stories about him, trying to get him into trouble when he is as godly of a man as I've ever known. I've even heard she withholds her body from him, and his is so patient with her. He's the real victim, here. Look at her carry on. What a crazy fake. She stirs up discontent wherever she goes. She won't repent of her rebelliousness. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Maybe she'll just go away now." And he also hurled a Bible at her, hitting her in the heart.
A non-believer traveling the same road came upon the woman. When she saw the woman's condition, she stopped. She listened. She believed. She wept. Then she helped the woman to her feet and brought her to a secular counselor who told her that what she experienced was real, and her wounds were deep and would take time to heal. She helped her to see the lies that had kept her from growing up and becoming all that God intended her to be. The non-believers came together and paid for the therapy, and they helped her children, too.
What do you think? Which one was the real neighbor to the woman hurt by hidden abuse in her "Christian" home and church?
Everyone could see it was the unbeliever.
"Go and do the same."
This is what Jesus said. And those who know and love and follow him - will.
A Twist on the Good Samaritan
The Good Non-Believer
There was once a Christian woman who got married. Shortly after her wedding day, she was attacked by her husband. He took her dignity and reputation, shamed her, blamed her, treated her like his property, and left her half-dead, along in her home.
Luckily, a small group leader from church was on her way down the same road of marriage, but when she saw the woman, she angled across to the other side muttering, "If she only had done things differently in her marriage, she wouldn't be in the mess she's in. She obviously didn't pay attention in Bible Study all those years. She should know that some women are called to suffer. She ought to count it all joy, but instead she is wallowing in self-pity. How selfish. What a spiritual mess." Whereupon she flung a Bible over her shoulder at the woman, hitting her in the head.
Then an elder from church showed up, but he also avoided the woman saying, "I've heard some concerning things about that woman from her husband. She's an angry gossip who doesn't respect him or submit to him properly. She makes up stories about him, trying to get him into trouble when he is as godly of a man as I've ever known. I've even heard she withholds her body from him, and his is so patient with her. He's the real victim, here. Look at her carry on. What a crazy fake. She stirs up discontent wherever she goes. She won't repent of her rebelliousness. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Maybe she'll just go away now." And he also hurled a Bible at her, hitting her in the heart.
A non-believer traveling the same road came upon the woman. When she saw the woman's condition, she stopped. She listened. She believed. She wept. Then she helped the woman to her feet and brought her to a secular counselor who told her that what she experienced was real, and her wounds were deep and would take time to heal. She helped her to see the lies that had kept her from growing up and becoming all that God intended her to be. The non-believers came together and paid for the therapy, and they helped her children, too.
What do you think? Which one was the real neighbor to the woman hurt by hidden abuse in her "Christian" home and church?
Everyone could see it was the unbeliever.
"Go and do the same."
This is what Jesus said. And those who know and love and follow him - will.
Holiday Season
From Flying Free
Divorced or Separated? Take These Four Truths Into Your Holiday Season
This wasn't what she wanted. To be that woman who tore down her home with her own two hands. Not in a million years did she dream she would be in this impossible position one day.
Holidays in the past had always been magical for her. The music, the smells, the lights, the energy in the atmosphere-but especially the family gatherings where everyone seemed to set their differences aside and enjoy one another. At least, it seemed that way to her. Maybe she had just idealized the whole thing. But whatever. She loved the season, and even more so after she had children.
Her greatest joy was to recreate that mysterious and joyous experience for them as they grew up. She decorated and baked and cooked. She organized Christmas caroling parties and cookie exchanges. They went to concerts and plays with holiday themes. This was the time for making family memories, and she took on her role with enthusiasm, warmth, and hope.
But now here she was. Sitting in a quiet house with the rubble of her existence pressing in on all sides, suffocating her in a loneliness so black and vast it took her breath away.
I recently asked my Facebook readers who were either divorced and separated what they dreaded the most about the upcoming holiday season. There were 74 comments at the time of this writing, and they fell into five main categories:
1. They grieved over not being with their children due to custody schedules.
2. They dreaded being isolated and alone.
3. They felt the sting of having little financial ability to purchase gifts for loved ones-especially children.
4. They dreaded spending time with extended family and dealing with the stigma and shame of being separated/divorced.
5. They grieved the loss of past traditions with an intact family and the dream of future family gatherings and celebrations.
These are heavy burdens. And putting them in black and white doesn't begin to do justice to the depth of the pain and the layers of complexity these women face in their corners of the world.
I can't take away this kind of pain, and I'm not going to try. But I'm well acquainted with it, so we will just plop down in the middle of the muck together and remember four things.
1. THIS IS NOT THE END OF YOUR STORY.
In every story you've got a hero and a quest. You've also got a series of conflicts the hero has to overcome in order to achieve her goal. When you are staring at your Charlie Brown Christmas tree o a lonely night in December, remember who you are. You are a queen in the middle of your battle. Sometimes the most critical battles-the ones that ultimately win the war-are the most hidden. Unseen. Quiet. Fought alone. So lift your tear stained face and give your battle cry. There's a victory waiting for you in the next chapter.
Or as my sister wryly says, "This too shall pass...like a gallstone."
2. YOU AREN'T IN THE WAR ZONE BY YOURSELF.
God never promised a life of lit up holidays strung together in a never-ending string of wonder. We've all learned by this point in our lives that life is a mixed bag of deep joy and happy surprise as well as loss and injustice and pain. When we were young and idealistic, we though if we did everything by the Book, our story would be problem free, and it would end with us on our death bed peacefully slipping away-surrounded by a hundred loved ones who would never forget us. Ever.
God doesn't promise that. And many of His most ardent soldiers and ambassadors throughout history never knew that kind of beginning, middle, or ending. What our Father does promise His daughters is to never, ever leave them alone. He promises that nothing will ever be able to separate us from Him. And that includes separation and divorce.
So when you are window shopping, and everyone is buying something but you, remember Who not only sees you but knows every stab of wistful longing. He is as close as the clouds of breath that swirl out of your mouth and disappear in the frozen atmosphere. Close your eyes and know His nearness and His love.
3. IT'S WINTER, BUT ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE.
I remember the first two holiday seasons I was separated from my ex-husband. Actually, I don't really remember all that much other than searing pain. I had nine hurting children, and I didn't want them to hurt. I didn't want to be the one who initiated the end of a 25-year-long marriage I had poured my life blood into from day one. I couldn't see one good thing in that black pit.
C.S. Lewis wrote about a never-ending winter in which Christmas never came. How many times throughout history have people waited for God to come through. Waited for the long night to be over. Waited for the spring thaw. It comes. It takes forever, but just like an overdue baby...it comes.
"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again."
-C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
4. YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SWING.
I went to Six Flags with my older kids one year, which was a huge sacrifice for me because I don't like amusement parks. I'm scared of heights, and I don't like rides all that much anymore. I promised myself and the kids that I would go on all the horrible, frightening rides with them. Every single one. And I did.
There was one ride in particular I was dreading. It was a huge swing that not only swung high, but it also swirled around and made loud swooshing noises. I decided to close my eyes, go into my brain, and surrender to all the invasive "feels" of that swing. I envisioned myself like a baby being held closely and swung and swirled by a giant human being. A safe one.
It was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever experienced. Instead of panic and anxiety, I felt calm and surrendered. I leaned into the movement and allowed it to carry me through time and space. And then it was over.
When I got off, I thought about my life and how terrifying it was at the time (I was still separated and contemplating divorce), and I realized I had no other choice but to close my eyes and let this horrible circumstance swing me out of my comfort zone and into something I couldn't comprehend. I also discovered that my Father had His arms around me. Like a child, all I had to do was close my eyes and swing.
But none of this takes the pain away.
There is no book or article or pill or food or friend or experience or drink or Bible verse that will take the pain away. Your loss is huge and heavy, and part of healing is walking through a dark maze of grief. It takes a long time, and just when you think you're almost out, you will bump into dead ends and have to circle back over paths you thought you were done with. But the only way out is through.
Making friends with grief is one of the most important things you'll ever do in life.
Grief will take you from a caterpillar to a butterfly and one day you will fly free.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
Divorced or Separated? Take These Four Truths Into Your Holiday Season
This wasn't what she wanted. To be that woman who tore down her home with her own two hands. Not in a million years did she dream she would be in this impossible position one day.
Holidays in the past had always been magical for her. The music, the smells, the lights, the energy in the atmosphere-but especially the family gatherings where everyone seemed to set their differences aside and enjoy one another. At least, it seemed that way to her. Maybe she had just idealized the whole thing. But whatever. She loved the season, and even more so after she had children.
Her greatest joy was to recreate that mysterious and joyous experience for them as they grew up. She decorated and baked and cooked. She organized Christmas caroling parties and cookie exchanges. They went to concerts and plays with holiday themes. This was the time for making family memories, and she took on her role with enthusiasm, warmth, and hope.
But now here she was. Sitting in a quiet house with the rubble of her existence pressing in on all sides, suffocating her in a loneliness so black and vast it took her breath away.
I recently asked my Facebook readers who were either divorced and separated what they dreaded the most about the upcoming holiday season. There were 74 comments at the time of this writing, and they fell into five main categories:
1. They grieved over not being with their children due to custody schedules.
2. They dreaded being isolated and alone.
3. They felt the sting of having little financial ability to purchase gifts for loved ones-especially children.
4. They dreaded spending time with extended family and dealing with the stigma and shame of being separated/divorced.
5. They grieved the loss of past traditions with an intact family and the dream of future family gatherings and celebrations.
These are heavy burdens. And putting them in black and white doesn't begin to do justice to the depth of the pain and the layers of complexity these women face in their corners of the world.
I can't take away this kind of pain, and I'm not going to try. But I'm well acquainted with it, so we will just plop down in the middle of the muck together and remember four things.
1. THIS IS NOT THE END OF YOUR STORY.
In every story you've got a hero and a quest. You've also got a series of conflicts the hero has to overcome in order to achieve her goal. When you are staring at your Charlie Brown Christmas tree o a lonely night in December, remember who you are. You are a queen in the middle of your battle. Sometimes the most critical battles-the ones that ultimately win the war-are the most hidden. Unseen. Quiet. Fought alone. So lift your tear stained face and give your battle cry. There's a victory waiting for you in the next chapter.
Or as my sister wryly says, "This too shall pass...like a gallstone."
2. YOU AREN'T IN THE WAR ZONE BY YOURSELF.
God never promised a life of lit up holidays strung together in a never-ending string of wonder. We've all learned by this point in our lives that life is a mixed bag of deep joy and happy surprise as well as loss and injustice and pain. When we were young and idealistic, we though if we did everything by the Book, our story would be problem free, and it would end with us on our death bed peacefully slipping away-surrounded by a hundred loved ones who would never forget us. Ever.
God doesn't promise that. And many of His most ardent soldiers and ambassadors throughout history never knew that kind of beginning, middle, or ending. What our Father does promise His daughters is to never, ever leave them alone. He promises that nothing will ever be able to separate us from Him. And that includes separation and divorce.
So when you are window shopping, and everyone is buying something but you, remember Who not only sees you but knows every stab of wistful longing. He is as close as the clouds of breath that swirl out of your mouth and disappear in the frozen atmosphere. Close your eyes and know His nearness and His love.
3. IT'S WINTER, BUT ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE.
I remember the first two holiday seasons I was separated from my ex-husband. Actually, I don't really remember all that much other than searing pain. I had nine hurting children, and I didn't want them to hurt. I didn't want to be the one who initiated the end of a 25-year-long marriage I had poured my life blood into from day one. I couldn't see one good thing in that black pit.
C.S. Lewis wrote about a never-ending winter in which Christmas never came. How many times throughout history have people waited for God to come through. Waited for the long night to be over. Waited for the spring thaw. It comes. It takes forever, but just like an overdue baby...it comes.
"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again."
-C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
4. YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SWING.
I went to Six Flags with my older kids one year, which was a huge sacrifice for me because I don't like amusement parks. I'm scared of heights, and I don't like rides all that much anymore. I promised myself and the kids that I would go on all the horrible, frightening rides with them. Every single one. And I did.
There was one ride in particular I was dreading. It was a huge swing that not only swung high, but it also swirled around and made loud swooshing noises. I decided to close my eyes, go into my brain, and surrender to all the invasive "feels" of that swing. I envisioned myself like a baby being held closely and swung and swirled by a giant human being. A safe one.
It was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever experienced. Instead of panic and anxiety, I felt calm and surrendered. I leaned into the movement and allowed it to carry me through time and space. And then it was over.
When I got off, I thought about my life and how terrifying it was at the time (I was still separated and contemplating divorce), and I realized I had no other choice but to close my eyes and let this horrible circumstance swing me out of my comfort zone and into something I couldn't comprehend. I also discovered that my Father had His arms around me. Like a child, all I had to do was close my eyes and swing.
But none of this takes the pain away.
There is no book or article or pill or food or friend or experience or drink or Bible verse that will take the pain away. Your loss is huge and heavy, and part of healing is walking through a dark maze of grief. It takes a long time, and just when you think you're almost out, you will bump into dead ends and have to circle back over paths you thought you were done with. But the only way out is through.
Making friends with grief is one of the most important things you'll ever do in life.
Grief will take you from a caterpillar to a butterfly and one day you will fly free.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10
Resolves
By A.W. Tozer
When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it resolves a great deal of anxiety.
When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it resolves a great deal of anxiety.
Rarely
From Shannon Thomas, Hidden Abuse
Rarely does a toxic person give an authentic apology.
To do so would be too much evidence that they are just like everyone else and flawed.
Rarely does a toxic person give an authentic apology.
To do so would be too much evidence that they are just like everyone else and flawed.
Monday, November 26, 2018
Own it
By Brene Brown
You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.
You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.
Saturday, November 24, 2018
She's not
By Megan Cox, Give Her Wings
When an abusive person says, "She's not who I thought she was," sometimes that means "I can't push her around, anymore."
When an abusive person says, "She's not who I thought she was," sometimes that means "I can't push her around, anymore."
Access
by Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse
Access to you is a gift. The ability to call you, text you, e-mail you, see you, come to your home, and basically share space in your life is earned, not easily given. At least it should be. It is yours to parcel out as you choose.
Access to you is a gift. The ability to call you, text you, e-mail you, see you, come to your home, and basically share space in your life is earned, not easily given. At least it should be. It is yours to parcel out as you choose.
Empty chair
Ask me about the empty chair beside me and I'll gratefully tell you all about the beautiful boy who should be sitting next to me, the one who taught me how to stretch my love far and wide enough to span the gap between heaven and earth.
by Angela Miller, A Bed For My Heart
by Angela Miller, A Bed For My Heart
Ready
My mom once said to me, "I can tell you over and over to leave the situation, but you won't until you are ready. One day you will wake up and realize that this isn't what you want to feel like anymore and you'll be done." I think it's important that everyone hears this.
Don't wait
Some people wait all day for 5pm,
all week for Friday,
all year for the holidays,
all their lives for happiness.
Don't be one of them.
Don't wait until your life is almost over
to realize how good it has been.
The good life begins right now,
when you stop waiting for a better one.
One day you will wake up and
there won't be any time to do
the things you've always wanted.
Do it now.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Real
The Velveteen Rabbit
He said, "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Side note: I feel like I'm becoming "Real"...
He said, "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Side note: I feel like I'm becoming "Real"...
Monday, November 19, 2018
Growing pains
Nobody ever talks about this part...
You know, the part where you're no longer a caterpillar and not yet a butterfly.
You don't know who you are and you don't know where you're going.
All you know is that every fiber of your being is calling for transformation.
For disruption.
For a revolution of the spirit.
So surrender.
Breakdown.
This is not the death of you.
This is the dying of who you once were.
This is your rebirth, darling.
And these are called "growing pains."
You know, the part where you're no longer a caterpillar and not yet a butterfly.
You don't know who you are and you don't know where you're going.
All you know is that every fiber of your being is calling for transformation.
For disruption.
For a revolution of the spirit.
So surrender.
Breakdown.
This is not the death of you.
This is the dying of who you once were.
This is your rebirth, darling.
And these are called "growing pains."
Happened
What happened
HAPPENED
What you saw happened,
what you heard was said,
what you remember is real,
what you know is true.
You are an eyewitness to your
own experiences. Others, who
weren't there, don't know.
-Valerie Jacobsen
My delights
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 119:143
Trouble and anguish have overtaken me,
Yet your commandments are my delight.
Psalm 119:143
Trouble and anguish have overtaken me,
Yet your commandments are my delight.
Warrior
This was all in lower case for some reason
baby girl
remind yourself
you're a warrior
and warriors don't give up
baby girl
remind yourself
you're a warrior
and warriors don't give up
Too much
I'm pretty sure I've recorded this before, but worth repeating
You will be too much for some people. Those aren't your people.
You will be too much for some people. Those aren't your people.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Hopes and dreams
Had this thought today. It's really sad but true.
I'm going to word it as a general statement and then personalize it to you.
When you lose a loved one unexpectedly, not only is that person taken away from you, but also all the hopes and dreams you had for and with that person.
When I lost you sweet boy, all the hopes and dreams I had for you and with you were taken too.
I'm going to word it as a general statement and then personalize it to you.
When you lose a loved one unexpectedly, not only is that person taken away from you, but also all the hopes and dreams you had for and with that person.
When I lost you sweet boy, all the hopes and dreams I had for you and with you were taken too.
Called a liar
Getting called a liar when you're literally telling nothing but the truth is the most frustrating thing ever
My hand
Mom, He Only Took My Hand
Last night while I was trying to sleep, my son's voice I did hear.
I opened my eyes and looked around but he did not appear.
He said, Mom you've got to listen, you've got to understand
God didn't take me from you Mom, He only took my hand.
When I called out in pain that morning, the instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand, and pulled me to his side.
He pulled me up and saved me from the misery and pain
my body was hurt so badly inside, I could never be the same.
My search is really over now, I've found happiness within.
All the answers to my empty dreams and all that might have been.
I love you so and miss you so, But I'll always be nearby
My body's gone forever, but my spirit will never die
And so you must go on now live one day at a time
Just understand, God did not take me from you...
He only took my hand
Side note: I feel like I have to think about this one for a little bit...
Upgrade
An upgrade isn't someone who looks better than your last. An upgrade is someone who treats, appreciates, and values you more than your last.
One day someone will
Pretty sure I've recorded this before, but definitely worth repeating
One day someone will
walk into your life and get it
right where everyone else got it
wrong. One day you won't have to
wait for a call or text back. One
day you won't be the only one
giving your all.
One day you'll finally meet
someone who wants to help you
grow in life. One day you'll finally
meet someone who isn't afraid to
give "love" another chance.
One day you'll finally meet
someone you can trust with
everything. One day you'll have
your best friend, your biggest
supporter and your teammate
all wrapped up in one person.
Not worth a second
Isn't it
pathetic how
we waste so
much time
on certain
people and in
the end they
prove that
they weren't
even worth
a second
of it.
pathetic how
we waste so
much time
on certain
people and in
the end they
prove that
they weren't
even worth
a second
of it.
Something will grow
From Toby Mac
Something will grow from all you are going through. And it will be you.
Something will grow from all you are going through. And it will be you.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Reconciliation
Second in a series of what not to say to someone harmed by spiritual abuse
Are You Working Toward Reconciliation?
by Jonathon Hollingsworth, Spiritual Sounding Board
The last thing a victim of spiritual abuse needs to do is go right back into the environment that hurt them in the first place.
If someone has been attacked by a dog, would you tell them to go right back and risk getting bitten again? Christians who insist on reconciliation in the face of spiritual abuse are forgetting one important thing: Abusive people can't always be reasoned with.
Not only is it dangerous to ask a victim to make amends with their abusers, it also puts an undue burden of responsibility on the victim to come up with a solution. It's like saying, "They're the ones who hurt you, but now it's your job to make it right."
Oh boy! I, too, had this said to me. In general, it was said by people who had never experienced spiritual abuse and who were uncomfortable with the topic or what I was feeling. They were uncomfortable knowing that I was not free from the heavy weight of spiritual abuse. They may have meant well by wanting me to be free, but in reality, there may never be reconciliation. Would God want me to restore my relationship with an abuser? I think not-unless the abuser did a 180-degree change and fully repented.
I don't know what the deal is, but some Christians believe that you aren't acting like a Christian if you respond with emotions that people label as negative. (For the record, I don't think of emotions as negative or positive-they just are). It's like you are expected to maintain a smile on your face at all times, so expressing strong emotions like anger, sadness, grieving, etc. is not a welcomed sight. I think they believe that if you reconcile, then you can get that smile back on your face again-and everything will be hunky dory (do people still say that?) Anyway, it really isn't that simple.
They don't understand that spiritual abuse is a process. There are periods of sadness and anger. There is a grieving process, and it takes time, sometimes years. Some people will deal with it for the rest of their lives in one way or another, but it won't be as paralyzing as it was in the beginning of the process.
Asking a spiritual abuse survivor is they are working toward reconciliation is not helpful. It puts the onus on the survivor. It tells the survivor to hurry along and get fixed so others can feel comfortable.
Are You Working Toward Reconciliation?
by Jonathon Hollingsworth, Spiritual Sounding Board
The last thing a victim of spiritual abuse needs to do is go right back into the environment that hurt them in the first place.
If someone has been attacked by a dog, would you tell them to go right back and risk getting bitten again? Christians who insist on reconciliation in the face of spiritual abuse are forgetting one important thing: Abusive people can't always be reasoned with.
Not only is it dangerous to ask a victim to make amends with their abusers, it also puts an undue burden of responsibility on the victim to come up with a solution. It's like saying, "They're the ones who hurt you, but now it's your job to make it right."
Oh boy! I, too, had this said to me. In general, it was said by people who had never experienced spiritual abuse and who were uncomfortable with the topic or what I was feeling. They were uncomfortable knowing that I was not free from the heavy weight of spiritual abuse. They may have meant well by wanting me to be free, but in reality, there may never be reconciliation. Would God want me to restore my relationship with an abuser? I think not-unless the abuser did a 180-degree change and fully repented.
I don't know what the deal is, but some Christians believe that you aren't acting like a Christian if you respond with emotions that people label as negative. (For the record, I don't think of emotions as negative or positive-they just are). It's like you are expected to maintain a smile on your face at all times, so expressing strong emotions like anger, sadness, grieving, etc. is not a welcomed sight. I think they believe that if you reconcile, then you can get that smile back on your face again-and everything will be hunky dory (do people still say that?) Anyway, it really isn't that simple.
They don't understand that spiritual abuse is a process. There are periods of sadness and anger. There is a grieving process, and it takes time, sometimes years. Some people will deal with it for the rest of their lives in one way or another, but it won't be as paralyzing as it was in the beginning of the process.
Asking a spiritual abuse survivor is they are working toward reconciliation is not helpful. It puts the onus on the survivor. It tells the survivor to hurry along and get fixed so others can feel comfortable.
Not gossip
Spiritual Abuse: It's Not Gossip to Talk about Abuse!
by Jonathon Hollingsworth, Spiritual Sounding Board
-One of six posts of what not to say to someone who has been hurt by spiritual abuse-
If a pastor or staff member is mistreating someone in the congregation, it's not gossip for that person to talk about it. In fact, it's not even gossip for you to talk about it.
Imagine if you found out your brother-in-law was beating your sister. Would your first response be, "That's none of my business"? The same way domestic abuse involves a whole family, spiritual abuse involves a whole church family. The abuse may have taken place in private, but that doesn't make it a private matter.
As Christians, if we're going to start taking spiritual abuse seriously, we need to stop comparing it to gossip.
This is one of the most common experiences spiritual abuse survivors will face. Controlling or abusive church leaders do not want you to tell the "story", they want to be the one disseminating information. They might say that you may get it wrong, or that you may put the church or them in a negative light. They may ask what people outside the church will think if they hear the news. Leaders often say that outsiders having the information could compromise their Christian witness (heaven forbid any non-Christian figure out that Christians are not perfect).
The Bible talks about the Body of Christ-how we each are a part of the Body: one person might be a foot; another is like a hand. We all work together to form the Body. In our body, we know when one part of it is injured. If I sprain my ankle, it doesn't isolate from the rest of my body. No! The rest of my body knows about that injury and compensates.
The Body of Christ works the same way. When one part of the Body is injured, the rest of the Body will help in what is lacking. So when a pastor or church leaders shut down conversation and call it gossip, instead of dealing transparently with congregants, the rest of the Body does not know how to compensate in a healthy way.
The no-talk or no-gossip rule presents an us-versus-them situation between the leaders and the underlings. The truth is hidden from the lowly congregants, and because the congregants know something is gone, they can only guess and speculate what is going on. This is not gossip! This is curiosity and probably genuine concern for what their church Body is experiencing. Had the church leaders addressed the situation openly, the Body could have come alongside the leaders and supported them and each other while going through the difficult situation.
by Jonathon Hollingsworth, Spiritual Sounding Board
-One of six posts of what not to say to someone who has been hurt by spiritual abuse-
If a pastor or staff member is mistreating someone in the congregation, it's not gossip for that person to talk about it. In fact, it's not even gossip for you to talk about it.
Imagine if you found out your brother-in-law was beating your sister. Would your first response be, "That's none of my business"? The same way domestic abuse involves a whole family, spiritual abuse involves a whole church family. The abuse may have taken place in private, but that doesn't make it a private matter.
As Christians, if we're going to start taking spiritual abuse seriously, we need to stop comparing it to gossip.
This is one of the most common experiences spiritual abuse survivors will face. Controlling or abusive church leaders do not want you to tell the "story", they want to be the one disseminating information. They might say that you may get it wrong, or that you may put the church or them in a negative light. They may ask what people outside the church will think if they hear the news. Leaders often say that outsiders having the information could compromise their Christian witness (heaven forbid any non-Christian figure out that Christians are not perfect).
The Bible talks about the Body of Christ-how we each are a part of the Body: one person might be a foot; another is like a hand. We all work together to form the Body. In our body, we know when one part of it is injured. If I sprain my ankle, it doesn't isolate from the rest of my body. No! The rest of my body knows about that injury and compensates.
The Body of Christ works the same way. When one part of the Body is injured, the rest of the Body will help in what is lacking. So when a pastor or church leaders shut down conversation and call it gossip, instead of dealing transparently with congregants, the rest of the Body does not know how to compensate in a healthy way.
The no-talk or no-gossip rule presents an us-versus-them situation between the leaders and the underlings. The truth is hidden from the lowly congregants, and because the congregants know something is gone, they can only guess and speculate what is going on. This is not gossip! This is curiosity and probably genuine concern for what their church Body is experiencing. Had the church leaders addressed the situation openly, the Body could have come alongside the leaders and supported them and each other while going through the difficult situation.
Fall in love
My psychology professor said "when you fall in love with someone you aren't interested in anyone else. If you are, you aren't in love" and I think everyone needs to hear that.
Staying positive
Staying positive doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. It means that even on hard days you know that there are better ones coming.
For a change
Focus on you for a change
by Vybe Source
Stop worrying about other people understanding you. Get in touch with yourself instead. Focus on what makes you happy, what makes your soul feel at peace. You are your biggest commitment, so start loving your flaws, your awkwardness, your weirdness, your intensity, your vulnerability, your everything. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself. This world keeps spinning whether people understand you or not, so why not make this next trip around the sun about you.
by Vybe Source
Stop worrying about other people understanding you. Get in touch with yourself instead. Focus on what makes you happy, what makes your soul feel at peace. You are your biggest commitment, so start loving your flaws, your awkwardness, your weirdness, your intensity, your vulnerability, your everything. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself. This world keeps spinning whether people understand you or not, so why not make this next trip around the sun about you.
Terrified
Quote from Georgia O'Keefe
I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.
I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.
Wondrous things
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 119:18
Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law.
Psalm 119:18
Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law.
Made alive
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Peter 3:18
Christ's Suffering and Ours
For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit.
1 Peter 3:18
Christ's Suffering and Ours
For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit.
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Timely help
By Max Lucado
Timely Help
When we have traveled with our young daughters, I carried our plane tickets in my briefcase. When it came time to board, I'd stand between the attendant and the child. As each daughter passed, I placed a ticket in her hand. She, in turn, gave the ticket to the attendant. Each one received the ticket in the nick of time!
What I did for my daughters, God does for you. He places himself between you and the need. And at the right time, he gives you the ticket. Wasn't this the promise he gave his disciples? "When you are arrested and judged, don't worry ahead of time about what you should say. Say whatever is given you to say at that time, because it will not really be you speaking, it will be the Holy Spirit." (Mark 3:11)
God leads us! He will do the right thing at the right time!
Timely Help
When we have traveled with our young daughters, I carried our plane tickets in my briefcase. When it came time to board, I'd stand between the attendant and the child. As each daughter passed, I placed a ticket in her hand. She, in turn, gave the ticket to the attendant. Each one received the ticket in the nick of time!
What I did for my daughters, God does for you. He places himself between you and the need. And at the right time, he gives you the ticket. Wasn't this the promise he gave his disciples? "When you are arrested and judged, don't worry ahead of time about what you should say. Say whatever is given you to say at that time, because it will not really be you speaking, it will be the Holy Spirit." (Mark 3:11)
God leads us! He will do the right thing at the right time!
Abusive leaders
Abusive leaders might claim the forgiveness credit in order to promote forgetting while blasting those who remember in order to promote silence. The goal of such promotion is usually to coerce others into cooperation in order to retain or regain power over them. -Wade Mullen
Eeyore
One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy; they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.
Bait
Toxic people love to bait us into circular conversations where we keep repeating ourselves.
-Shannon Thomas
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Thunders marvelously
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Job 37:56
God thunders marvelously with His voice; He does great things which we cannot comprehend. For he says to the snow, "Fall on the earth,"; Likewise to the gentle rain and the heavy rain of His strength.
Job 37:56
God thunders marvelously with His voice; He does great things which we cannot comprehend. For he says to the snow, "Fall on the earth,"; Likewise to the gentle rain and the heavy rain of His strength.
More about spiritual abuse
What distinguishes spiritual abuse from other types of abuse is that a spiritual authority invokes God, the ultimate authority, to sanction the abuse. This makes the abuse that much more traumatic and devastating to the victim. The victim is led to believe that God supports the abuse. If that is true, than either God is terrible, or they are terrible...or maybe both are true.
Monday, November 12, 2018
It's okay
By Lexi Behrndt
Take a deep breath, my sweet friend.
I need you to hear this.
It's okay.
It's okay to miss them.
It's okay to say their name.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to laugh.
It's okay to breath deeply.
It's okay to smile when you think of them.
It's okay to function.
It's okay to have days where you can't function.
It's okay to love again.
It's okay to remember.
It's okay to hope.
It's okay to be honest.
It's okay to trust again.
It's okay to pray.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Give yourself permission.
Give yourself permission to feel.
Give yourself permission to love.
Give yourself permission to ache.
They would want that.
They would want the best for you.
They would want you to live life fully.
They would want you to love deeply.
They would want you to laugh.
They would want you to change this world with love.
They would want you to give that love to others, because they know the power of it.
You-their hero.
You-the love of their entire life.
You-the one who will never stop saying their name.
You-the one who is braving each day, putting one foot in front of the other, and living, even when part of you is worlds apart.
You-the one who loves them, endlessly.
You-you're still standing.
You-you're still breathing.
You-you're making them proud, my friend.
Take a deep breath, my sweet friend.
I need you to hear this.
It's okay.
It's okay to miss them.
It's okay to say their name.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to laugh.
It's okay to breath deeply.
It's okay to smile when you think of them.
It's okay to function.
It's okay to have days where you can't function.
It's okay to love again.
It's okay to remember.
It's okay to hope.
It's okay to be honest.
It's okay to trust again.
It's okay to pray.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Give yourself permission.
Give yourself permission to feel.
Give yourself permission to love.
Give yourself permission to ache.
They would want that.
They would want the best for you.
They would want you to live life fully.
They would want you to love deeply.
They would want you to laugh.
They would want you to change this world with love.
They would want you to give that love to others, because they know the power of it.
You-their hero.
You-the love of their entire life.
You-the one who will never stop saying their name.
You-the one who is braving each day, putting one foot in front of the other, and living, even when part of you is worlds apart.
You-the one who loves them, endlessly.
You-you're still standing.
You-you're still breathing.
You-you're making them proud, my friend.
See you through
God is saying to you today, "I know you are physically and emotionally drained. But you havet o keep going. I will see you through."
End of ourselves
By Billy Graham
When we come to the end of ourselves, we come to the beginning of God.
In there with you
Remember Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego, God didn't put out the fire, He just put Jesus in there with them. It's not about God "putting out your fires", it's about Who is in there with you.
Too blind
From A. Shea
If they are too blind to see the flowers in your soul, leave them to the weeds.
If they are too blind to see the flowers in your soul, leave them to the weeds.
Greatest blessing
Sometimes what you thought was your greatest loss ends up being your greatest blessing
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Forgive me
Please forgive me, darling...
If I did anything right in my life
it was when I gave my heart to you.
If I did anything right in my life
it was when I gave my heart to you.
Because
I do not want somebody who stands next to me because they are lonely.
I want someone who stands next to me because they cannot imagine standing next to anyone else.
I want someone who stands next to me because they cannot imagine standing next to anyone else.
Scars
Posted by Toby Mac, attributed to Louie Giglio
The enemy want to define you by your scars.
Jesus wants to define you by His.
The enemy want to define you by your scars.
Jesus wants to define you by His.
Slow process
From Flying Free
Recovering from a toxic relationship includes the slow process of realizing not everyone wants to harm you. Being guarded is normal after abuse.
-Shannon Thomas
Recovering from a toxic relationship includes the slow process of realizing not everyone wants to harm you. Being guarded is normal after abuse.
-Shannon Thomas
Monday, November 5, 2018
So unexpectedly
Sometimes,
someone comes
into your life,
so unexpectedly,
takes your heart
by surprise,
and changes
your life forever.
someone comes
into your life,
so unexpectedly,
takes your heart
by surprise,
and changes
your life forever.
Saved me
By JmStorm
I want to thank you for being the love I needed when I thought I didn't need love.
It changed me.
It softened me.
And even though I didn't know it at the time, it saved me.
I want to thank you for being the love I needed when I thought I didn't need love.
It changed me.
It softened me.
And even though I didn't know it at the time, it saved me.
That's love
By Luis
When someone helps you, and they are struggling too, that's not help that's love.
When someone helps you, and they are struggling too, that's not help that's love.
Their own gain
From Flying Free
When we have a high level of compassion and empathy, it can and will be taken advantage of by toxic people. Boundaries help set limits on how much we give to others, especially those who want to use us for their own gain.
-Shannon Thomas
When we have a high level of compassion and empathy, it can and will be taken advantage of by toxic people. Boundaries help set limits on how much we give to others, especially those who want to use us for their own gain.
-Shannon Thomas
Chosen generation
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.
1 Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Advocate
From Flying Free
Advocate for Yourself-a Lesson from the Ladder out of Hell
This is the first article in a new series called Lessons from the Ladder. I get the title of this series from my original article called Ten Steps Out of Relationship Hell in which I write about the red hot ladder rungs we have to climb if we want to get out of the relationship pit we've been stuck in for so long.
I've already made that horrible climb. Every ladder rung was excruciating, and I was tempted to let go and just drop back down to the bottom of the pit every step of the way, but I made it up and out. Now I've joined thousands of other women who have also made the climb, and we are cheering you on.
So I want to share some of the most important lessons I learned on my own journey up and out-lessons that have shaped who I am today as well as who I am becoming for all eternity as one of God's beloved children.
The first lesson I learned on that ladder from hell is how to advocate for myself-a hard lesson for a woman who spent her entire life believing that self-advocacy was evil. Now I strongly believe it is a necessary adulting skill that we all need to get better at-for our own sake and also for the sake of our children after us. We can't pass that skill on if we weren't able to model it for ourselves.
We want our children to grow up taking responsibility for themselves, making decisions without fear, and moving forward with hope and purpose in spite of the obstacles and challenges they will face. They can't do that (and neither can we) if they aren't able to advocate for themselves.
So what do we need to do to begin advocating for ourselves?
DEPROGRAM FROM YOUR FALSE CORE BELIEF THAT YOU ARE A HELPLESS CHILD IN NEED OF RESCUE FROM SOMEONE IN AUTHORITY OVER YOU.
Women in conservative Christian circles are taught that to be godly is to be passive. They are not encouraged to learn emotional intelligence skills of self-regard (accepting yourself for who you are-both strengths and weaknesses), self-actualization (pursuing things that lead to a meaningful life), independence (being prepared to adopt a course of action while tolerating the disapproval of others who disagree), assertiveness (the ability to respectfully express yourself and stand up for your beliefs and decisions), and problem-solving (the ability to confront problems rather than run from them).
Instead, a premium is put on women who allow others to control their education, their thoughts, their theology, their decisions, their time, their resources, their gifts, their skills, and their future. The others in religious conservative circles are usually men who believe in a power-over theology of male/female relationships (hard-core patriarchy as well as soft-core patriarchy more commonly known as complementarianism.)
Of course, power-over structures like this place women in a vulnerable position where they are easily exploited for wicked purposes. Such is the case in every home where there is any kind of abuse happening. Such is the case whenever a woman tries to advocate for herself in a religiously controlling and abusive church environment that also teaches a power-over theology of male/female relationships. This is why getting help from a church is so often abusive and traumatic.
The truth is, you were made in the image of God with the same mandate to go forth and take dominion of God's creation (Genesis 1:26-28). You were also bought with the blood of Christ and given another mandate to go forth and make disciples (Matthew 28:19). You were given the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38) as well as other gifts to fulfill your purpose as His ambassador in this world (1 Peter 4:10).
That doesn't sound like the passive role of a helpless child to me.
The fact is, God not only gave women these honors and privileges along with men, but He also gave women an incredible responsibility in Genesis 2:18. The English words most often used in modern translations are "suitable helper," but this translation doesn't do the actual words justice. The orifinal Hebrew words used in this verse are ezer kenegdo. "Ezer," a word used to describe God as a warrior numerous times in the Old Testament, is translated "to rescue, to save, to be strong," and "kenegdo" is translated "corresponding to." So when God said, "I will make a 'helper suitable' for him (Adam)," He was saying in essence "I will make a warrior corresponding to him." That's quite a difference in translation and meaning. Man didn't need someone to reign over; he needed an equal to reign with.
Here's how Carolyn Custis James expands on this rich and beautiful truth in her book, Half the Church: Recapturing God's Global Vision for Women:
"Like the man, she is also God's creative masterpiece - a work of genius and a marvel to behold - for she is fearfully and wonderfully made. The ezer never sheds her image-bearer identity. Not here. Not ever. God defines who she is and how she is to live in His world. That never changes. The image-bearer responsibilities to reflect God to the world and to rule and subdue on His behalf still rest on her shoulders too.
God didn't create the woman to bring half of herself to His global commission or to minimize herself when the man is around. The fanfare over her is overblown if God was only planning for her to do for the man things he was perfectly capable of doing for himself, or didn't even need. The man won't starve without her. In the garden, he really doesn't need someone to do laundry, pick up after him, or manage his home. If Adam must think, decide, protect, and provide for the woman, she actually becomes a burden on him - not much help when you think about it. The kind of help the man needs demands full deployment of her strength, her gifts, and the best she has to offer. His life will change for the better because of what she contributes to his life."
In the Old Testament we see examples of God's ezer kenegdos going into battle for the glory of God: Deborah, Esther, Ruth, Abigail, Rahab, and Hannah, to name a few. And God's view of women hasn't changed.
When Jesus came to this earth, He lived in unapologetically patriarchal culture that viewed women as less than men. He broke all the cultural rules when He talked to women without going through their husbands or fathers, when He gave a Samaritan woman the responsibility to evangelize her home town, when He invited women to follow Him and learn from Him (something only men were allowed to do with a Rabbi), and when He entrusted Mary Magdalene with the very gospel message.
He surrounded Himself with women and treated them with honor, fully expecting both women and men to spread the gospel when He was gone. You wouldn't have seen a religious leader doing that back then, but He broke the social norms that divided men and women and established a new kingdom of oneness and unity in Himself.
After He was gone, you see women receiving the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:17) and being released into ministry of every kind. Junia was an apostle (Romans 16:7); Philip's four daughters were prophetesses (Acts 21:9); Euodthia and Syntyche were evangelists (Philippians 4:2-3); Phoebe was a deaconess (Romans 16:1-2); and Priscilla was a pastor/teacher (Romans 16:3-5, Acts 18:24-26).
Paul spread the revolutionary message of unity by speaking of men and women together as brothers and sisters. In fact, he refers to both men and women as sons, a position viewed as a place of honor in that patriarchal culture. This would have been as astounding to his audience back then as it is to many extremely conservative Christian churches today who have all but ignored His clear teachings:
"For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you...have received a spirit of adoption as sons...(and are) heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ..." (Romans 8:14-17)
"For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus...there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:26, 28)
"Therefore, my brothers and sisters, be eager to prophesy..." (1 Corinthians 14:39)
Think of every verse in the New Testament that talks about our new life as followers of Christ. Do they distinguish between male and female followers? The vast majority of them do not.
"'In the last days,' God says, 'I will pour out my Spirit on all people, and your sons and your daughters will prophesy, your youths will see visions, your seniors will dream dreams. Even on my male servants (ministers) and on my female servants (ministers), I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy." (Acts 2:17-18)
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." (1 Peter 2:9)
"You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God people from every tribe and language and people group and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth." (Revelation 5:9-10)
DEPROGRAM FROM YOUR FALSE CORE BELIEF THAT GOD WILL RESCUE YOU IF YOU DO NOTHING WHEN YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOMETHING.
The Bible teaches us in many places that God is our rescuer. But how does He rescue us? In the Psalms we see David fleeing from King Saul as he chases David all over the countryside. But is David standing still, hoping God will rescue him? No. He is running! He "runs" to the fortress of God. He "hides" in the shadow of His wings. He "takes refuge." These are all actions.
When the life of baby Jesus was being threatened, did Joseph and Mary stay put, trusting God to rescue His Son? No - they went into high gear and fled - trusting God even as they did so. They did their part, and they trusted God to do His part according to His will.
Do we, as disciples of Jesus Christ, do nothing while hoping God will do His Thing in the world? No. We take action because we are the hands and feet of Christ in this world. We carry the Holy Spirit within us, and we bring the Kingdom of heaven into the corners of our world through our ACTIONS. Not our in-actions.
When power-over theology teaches that women are godly when they are passive, they are telling a lie about God and about the human race. They are believing and teaching a lie that disempowers 50% of the human race in spreading the kingdom of God on this earth. What a tragedy! This is not God's plan for us.
I remember begging God to DO SOMETHING about what I was experiencing in my former marriage. I begged Him for years and years to help me. But at the same time, I chose to believe a bunch of lies that kept me from doing what I needed to do. He was more than willing to walk with me, to give me wisdom, to love me through it, but I was unwilling to do what it would take to find hope and healing in my life. I was unwilling first to believe the problem was as bad as it was (a coping mechanism), and I was unwilling to stand up for what was right and true because that would cause me a lot of extra pain, and I didn't want that.
So God patiently waited. He didn't cause the pain. The sinful choices of human beings caused the pain. But when the pain of staying stuck became GREATER than the pain of exposing the truth and taking steps to get out, I was finally ready to take action, and I took hold of the first ladder rung out of my pit. With that first action step, God was right there encouraging me that He would never leave me or forsake me. And I began the difficult journey out.
If you are still sitting at the very bottom of the pit, hoping against hope that a miracle will happen, and someone will reach down and pull you up so you don't have to make the horrible climb, you will be waiting a long time. Here's why. Think about a butterfly trying to emerge from the chrysalis. It's during that struggle that the blood gets pumping through her wings, giving her the wing-health and power she will need to actually fly. If you "rescue"her by cutting open the chrysalis to let her out prematurely, she will die. That's right. She will miss her opportunity to access the power she needs to do what she was created to do. Her inability to fly will cause her to be easy prey for predators, and she will not survive very long.
So instead of thinking God is unloving not to just pluck you out of hell and set your feet on a wide place, you can instead recognize His infinite wisdom in promising to be right by your side every step of the way. Loving you. Accepting you when you mess up and when you succeed. Cheering you on no matter what. And then rejoicing over your first flight of freedom when the day comes.
God WILL rescue you. Just not the easy, pain-free way we'd all wish for!
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.
Now that we see our need to be active participants in our own lives and in the world as God's ambassadors, we need to see how self-advocacy is part of that initiative. If we cannot or are unwilling to advocate for ourselves, we will not be able to effectively advocate for others. To be an advocate is to be strong and responsible. If we are in a compromised position ourselves, that will make it difficult to initiate advocacy for others, part of which is teaching THEM how to self-advocate in healthy ways.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS ALIGNING YOURSELF WITH GOD'S AGENDA FOR YOU. NOT MAN'S.
Women get their mail from God, not people. The foundation of everything we believe and do must be grounded in the image of Jesus Christ. His agenda is our agenda! His mission is our mission! He was not afraid of people and their opinions. He wasn't afraid to speak the truth even when it got Him into trouble. Even when He was called the son of Satan and gossiped about and lied about and hated. He didn't surrender Himself to human beings. He surrendered Himself to God. He stood in the truth about who He was even though it made arrogant, power-hungry, religious men gnash their teeth.
Those of us who are daughters of the Living God can also stand in the truth of who we are even though it makes arrogant, power-hungry, religious men gnash their teeth. We are in good company. The best company.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF.
It means not only accepting your humanity but also embracing it as God's design. To strive for perfection as our abusers and religious communities demand for their own pleasure is the original sin. It's the desire to be God-like. That wasn't God's intention for us. He created us human for a reason - and He calls our humanity GOOD (Genesis 1:31).
This is good news! It means we are free to relax and enjoy our status as God's beloved human daughters. We don't have to be perfect to win His favor, love, and acceptance. We are beloved just as we are. What peace and rest that truth offers us!
If God calls us His friends (John 15:5), can we not also make friends with ourselves? Can we not also treat ourselves with respect and love? The degree to which we accept ourselves in our humanity is the degree to which we will accept others in theirs. So this is a pretty important key to loving others!
And we show our love and respect for our Creator when we accept His creation of ourselves. This is not evil. This is the opposite of evil. This is one of the ways we bring honor to our Creator. Satan, on the other hand, hates everything God created, but in particular, human beings. So when we hate on ourselves and make ourselves our number one enemy, we are playing right into the devil's hand. And that, my friends, IS evil and brings about a host of evil.
Remember that the enemy always flips everything upside down. Opposites. It's fascinating to find them as you deconstruct your theology and let God renovate it from the ground up.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS FORGIVING YOURSELF.
But can we forgive others if we cannot forgive ourselves? And how are we reveling in God's forgiveness when we cling to our shame and wallow in our regrets? We have all made mistakes. Bad decisions. Hasty conclusions. Foolish moves. We've experienced the consequences of those choices, and we've watched those we love also bear the brunt of ripple effects of our faulty movements in this world.
But this does not surprise God or hold Him back in any way from telling His redeeming story in our lives. He is a whole lot bigger than that. He has anticipated every wise and every foolish thing we've ever done, and He is able to paint a beautiful picture not only in SPITE of the blotches we make on the canvas, but BECAUSE of them. I don't get it. Who can? It's incredible, and it inspires me to worship Him. It also enables me to let go and forgive myself so I can move forward in abandon - choosing to LIVE instead of hold back in fear.
If He forgives us (and He does), we are free to forgive ourselves.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS RESPECTING YOURSELF.
We respect those we admire. Those who do what we wish we could do if only we had the strength, the courage, the resources, and the power. But for us to grow in self-respect, we need to actually take a step in the direction of putting ourselves out there! We need to stop sitting on the sidelines of life and get into the arena and ENGAGE in this life God gave to us. With each brave step we take, however small, we grow in self-respect.
It might be as simple as choosing the color of a new quilt for your bed instead of letting someone else choose it for you.
In my upcoming book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, I say this about respect:
"Respect is being courteous, actively engaging with the other person's hopes and dreams, listening well, caring about the feedback of the other person, paying attention, compromising, asking their opinion, accepting their differences, working toward non-judgment, asking instead of demanding, and basically just treating the other person like they are special and worthy of your regard. You cannot demand respect. It must be freely given for it to be real, because respect is born of love, and love is given, not taken.
To disrespect someone is to ignore their voice, blame and shame them, take power over them, treat them rudely, look down on them, avoid them, give them the silent treatment when they don't do what you want them to do, call them names, demand obedience, threaten them, and refuse to tolerate their differences."
Applying this to yourself, are you courteous to yourself? Or is the committee inside your head always tearing you apart? Do you pay attention to your own gut and give it credibility? Do you believe you are worthy of regard? Do you shame and blame yourself, look down on yourself, call yourself names, and refuse to tolerate how you are different from everyone else?
For you to truly love and respect others, you must begin by loving and respecting yourself. It's the difference between being a child who needs the approval of others to know she is enough - and an adult who has an intrinsic understanding of her worth just as she is as well as the worth of other human beings just as they are.
When people are disrespecting you and trying to manipulate and control and micro-manage your life, it is because they lack a true sense of their own value and worth just as they are. They have to demean and dehumanize and take power over others in order to feel better about themselves. This is childish behavior at best, and wicked in its worst form.
Respect yourself, and you will naturally gain the respect of other healthy human beings.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS MAKING DECISIONS THAT ARE HEALTHY FOR YOU.
When we have lived life going along with the decisions everyone around us is making for our lives, it's easy to believe this is just how it's supposed to be, and we think we have no choices. But the fact is, we do. They may not all be great choices. They may be hard choices with sticker bushes and pouring rain either way we go, but they are choices, and they are OUR choices. Sometimes the only choices at first are really hard, but as time goes by, and we gain strength and momentum, our choices open up a bit more. And a bit more yet. Until we find we are no longer moving in a cramped room that is 2' by 2', but instead we are moving in a wide open space, and it's actually a sunny day with a light breeze blowing.
Change isn't about huge leaps off cliffs, although once in a while it may feel like that. Change is more about tiny shifts in the way we think and what we do in our daily lives that add up over time. Never underestimate your power of choice.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS USING YOUR VOICE.
You knew it was coming. This is what we usually think of when we think of advocating for ourselves. We think of defending ourselves. Sticking up for ourselves. Speaking our truth. But using your voice doesn't have to be super invasive or obnoxious at all. Most of the time it's just quietly saying what you know to be true and leaving it at that. No need to defend your stand. In fact, it's usually better not to. There is far more power in stating your experience or your belief about something and refusing to engage in a futile argument that will go nowhere.
Our job isn't to convince others of what we know to be true. Jesus didn't do that. He never defended Himself to fools. He just did what He came to do. Quietly. Truthfully. In personal strength and power. And some believed, and some didn't. Some killed Him, and some followed Him into Paradise.
His super-power is your super-power. The super-power of knowing who you are in Christ and trusting that as you advocate for yourself in these ways, you will grow up into the full stature of your womanhood, thereby fulfilling the destiny you were created for on this earth. To fly free yourself and to model that for the generations after you.
"Then you shall take delight in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth," Isaiah 58:14
Advocate for Yourself-a Lesson from the Ladder out of Hell
This is the first article in a new series called Lessons from the Ladder. I get the title of this series from my original article called Ten Steps Out of Relationship Hell in which I write about the red hot ladder rungs we have to climb if we want to get out of the relationship pit we've been stuck in for so long.
I've already made that horrible climb. Every ladder rung was excruciating, and I was tempted to let go and just drop back down to the bottom of the pit every step of the way, but I made it up and out. Now I've joined thousands of other women who have also made the climb, and we are cheering you on.
So I want to share some of the most important lessons I learned on my own journey up and out-lessons that have shaped who I am today as well as who I am becoming for all eternity as one of God's beloved children.
The first lesson I learned on that ladder from hell is how to advocate for myself-a hard lesson for a woman who spent her entire life believing that self-advocacy was evil. Now I strongly believe it is a necessary adulting skill that we all need to get better at-for our own sake and also for the sake of our children after us. We can't pass that skill on if we weren't able to model it for ourselves.
We want our children to grow up taking responsibility for themselves, making decisions without fear, and moving forward with hope and purpose in spite of the obstacles and challenges they will face. They can't do that (and neither can we) if they aren't able to advocate for themselves.
So what do we need to do to begin advocating for ourselves?
DEPROGRAM FROM YOUR FALSE CORE BELIEF THAT YOU ARE A HELPLESS CHILD IN NEED OF RESCUE FROM SOMEONE IN AUTHORITY OVER YOU.
Women in conservative Christian circles are taught that to be godly is to be passive. They are not encouraged to learn emotional intelligence skills of self-regard (accepting yourself for who you are-both strengths and weaknesses), self-actualization (pursuing things that lead to a meaningful life), independence (being prepared to adopt a course of action while tolerating the disapproval of others who disagree), assertiveness (the ability to respectfully express yourself and stand up for your beliefs and decisions), and problem-solving (the ability to confront problems rather than run from them).
Instead, a premium is put on women who allow others to control their education, their thoughts, their theology, their decisions, their time, their resources, their gifts, their skills, and their future. The others in religious conservative circles are usually men who believe in a power-over theology of male/female relationships (hard-core patriarchy as well as soft-core patriarchy more commonly known as complementarianism.)
Of course, power-over structures like this place women in a vulnerable position where they are easily exploited for wicked purposes. Such is the case in every home where there is any kind of abuse happening. Such is the case whenever a woman tries to advocate for herself in a religiously controlling and abusive church environment that also teaches a power-over theology of male/female relationships. This is why getting help from a church is so often abusive and traumatic.
The truth is, you were made in the image of God with the same mandate to go forth and take dominion of God's creation (Genesis 1:26-28). You were also bought with the blood of Christ and given another mandate to go forth and make disciples (Matthew 28:19). You were given the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38) as well as other gifts to fulfill your purpose as His ambassador in this world (1 Peter 4:10).
That doesn't sound like the passive role of a helpless child to me.
The fact is, God not only gave women these honors and privileges along with men, but He also gave women an incredible responsibility in Genesis 2:18. The English words most often used in modern translations are "suitable helper," but this translation doesn't do the actual words justice. The orifinal Hebrew words used in this verse are ezer kenegdo. "Ezer," a word used to describe God as a warrior numerous times in the Old Testament, is translated "to rescue, to save, to be strong," and "kenegdo" is translated "corresponding to." So when God said, "I will make a 'helper suitable' for him (Adam)," He was saying in essence "I will make a warrior corresponding to him." That's quite a difference in translation and meaning. Man didn't need someone to reign over; he needed an equal to reign with.
Here's how Carolyn Custis James expands on this rich and beautiful truth in her book, Half the Church: Recapturing God's Global Vision for Women:
"Like the man, she is also God's creative masterpiece - a work of genius and a marvel to behold - for she is fearfully and wonderfully made. The ezer never sheds her image-bearer identity. Not here. Not ever. God defines who she is and how she is to live in His world. That never changes. The image-bearer responsibilities to reflect God to the world and to rule and subdue on His behalf still rest on her shoulders too.
God didn't create the woman to bring half of herself to His global commission or to minimize herself when the man is around. The fanfare over her is overblown if God was only planning for her to do for the man things he was perfectly capable of doing for himself, or didn't even need. The man won't starve without her. In the garden, he really doesn't need someone to do laundry, pick up after him, or manage his home. If Adam must think, decide, protect, and provide for the woman, she actually becomes a burden on him - not much help when you think about it. The kind of help the man needs demands full deployment of her strength, her gifts, and the best she has to offer. His life will change for the better because of what she contributes to his life."
In the Old Testament we see examples of God's ezer kenegdos going into battle for the glory of God: Deborah, Esther, Ruth, Abigail, Rahab, and Hannah, to name a few. And God's view of women hasn't changed.
When Jesus came to this earth, He lived in unapologetically patriarchal culture that viewed women as less than men. He broke all the cultural rules when He talked to women without going through their husbands or fathers, when He gave a Samaritan woman the responsibility to evangelize her home town, when He invited women to follow Him and learn from Him (something only men were allowed to do with a Rabbi), and when He entrusted Mary Magdalene with the very gospel message.
He surrounded Himself with women and treated them with honor, fully expecting both women and men to spread the gospel when He was gone. You wouldn't have seen a religious leader doing that back then, but He broke the social norms that divided men and women and established a new kingdom of oneness and unity in Himself.
After He was gone, you see women receiving the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:17) and being released into ministry of every kind. Junia was an apostle (Romans 16:7); Philip's four daughters were prophetesses (Acts 21:9); Euodthia and Syntyche were evangelists (Philippians 4:2-3); Phoebe was a deaconess (Romans 16:1-2); and Priscilla was a pastor/teacher (Romans 16:3-5, Acts 18:24-26).
Paul spread the revolutionary message of unity by speaking of men and women together as brothers and sisters. In fact, he refers to both men and women as sons, a position viewed as a place of honor in that patriarchal culture. This would have been as astounding to his audience back then as it is to many extremely conservative Christian churches today who have all but ignored His clear teachings:
"For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you...have received a spirit of adoption as sons...(and are) heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ..." (Romans 8:14-17)
"For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus...there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:26, 28)
"Therefore, my brothers and sisters, be eager to prophesy..." (1 Corinthians 14:39)
Think of every verse in the New Testament that talks about our new life as followers of Christ. Do they distinguish between male and female followers? The vast majority of them do not.
"'In the last days,' God says, 'I will pour out my Spirit on all people, and your sons and your daughters will prophesy, your youths will see visions, your seniors will dream dreams. Even on my male servants (ministers) and on my female servants (ministers), I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy." (Acts 2:17-18)
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." (1 Peter 2:9)
"You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God people from every tribe and language and people group and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth." (Revelation 5:9-10)
DEPROGRAM FROM YOUR FALSE CORE BELIEF THAT GOD WILL RESCUE YOU IF YOU DO NOTHING WHEN YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOMETHING.
The Bible teaches us in many places that God is our rescuer. But how does He rescue us? In the Psalms we see David fleeing from King Saul as he chases David all over the countryside. But is David standing still, hoping God will rescue him? No. He is running! He "runs" to the fortress of God. He "hides" in the shadow of His wings. He "takes refuge." These are all actions.
When the life of baby Jesus was being threatened, did Joseph and Mary stay put, trusting God to rescue His Son? No - they went into high gear and fled - trusting God even as they did so. They did their part, and they trusted God to do His part according to His will.
Do we, as disciples of Jesus Christ, do nothing while hoping God will do His Thing in the world? No. We take action because we are the hands and feet of Christ in this world. We carry the Holy Spirit within us, and we bring the Kingdom of heaven into the corners of our world through our ACTIONS. Not our in-actions.
When power-over theology teaches that women are godly when they are passive, they are telling a lie about God and about the human race. They are believing and teaching a lie that disempowers 50% of the human race in spreading the kingdom of God on this earth. What a tragedy! This is not God's plan for us.
I remember begging God to DO SOMETHING about what I was experiencing in my former marriage. I begged Him for years and years to help me. But at the same time, I chose to believe a bunch of lies that kept me from doing what I needed to do. He was more than willing to walk with me, to give me wisdom, to love me through it, but I was unwilling to do what it would take to find hope and healing in my life. I was unwilling first to believe the problem was as bad as it was (a coping mechanism), and I was unwilling to stand up for what was right and true because that would cause me a lot of extra pain, and I didn't want that.
So God patiently waited. He didn't cause the pain. The sinful choices of human beings caused the pain. But when the pain of staying stuck became GREATER than the pain of exposing the truth and taking steps to get out, I was finally ready to take action, and I took hold of the first ladder rung out of my pit. With that first action step, God was right there encouraging me that He would never leave me or forsake me. And I began the difficult journey out.
If you are still sitting at the very bottom of the pit, hoping against hope that a miracle will happen, and someone will reach down and pull you up so you don't have to make the horrible climb, you will be waiting a long time. Here's why. Think about a butterfly trying to emerge from the chrysalis. It's during that struggle that the blood gets pumping through her wings, giving her the wing-health and power she will need to actually fly. If you "rescue"her by cutting open the chrysalis to let her out prematurely, she will die. That's right. She will miss her opportunity to access the power she needs to do what she was created to do. Her inability to fly will cause her to be easy prey for predators, and she will not survive very long.
So instead of thinking God is unloving not to just pluck you out of hell and set your feet on a wide place, you can instead recognize His infinite wisdom in promising to be right by your side every step of the way. Loving you. Accepting you when you mess up and when you succeed. Cheering you on no matter what. And then rejoicing over your first flight of freedom when the day comes.
God WILL rescue you. Just not the easy, pain-free way we'd all wish for!
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.
Now that we see our need to be active participants in our own lives and in the world as God's ambassadors, we need to see how self-advocacy is part of that initiative. If we cannot or are unwilling to advocate for ourselves, we will not be able to effectively advocate for others. To be an advocate is to be strong and responsible. If we are in a compromised position ourselves, that will make it difficult to initiate advocacy for others, part of which is teaching THEM how to self-advocate in healthy ways.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS ALIGNING YOURSELF WITH GOD'S AGENDA FOR YOU. NOT MAN'S.
Women get their mail from God, not people. The foundation of everything we believe and do must be grounded in the image of Jesus Christ. His agenda is our agenda! His mission is our mission! He was not afraid of people and their opinions. He wasn't afraid to speak the truth even when it got Him into trouble. Even when He was called the son of Satan and gossiped about and lied about and hated. He didn't surrender Himself to human beings. He surrendered Himself to God. He stood in the truth about who He was even though it made arrogant, power-hungry, religious men gnash their teeth.
Those of us who are daughters of the Living God can also stand in the truth of who we are even though it makes arrogant, power-hungry, religious men gnash their teeth. We are in good company. The best company.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF.
It means not only accepting your humanity but also embracing it as God's design. To strive for perfection as our abusers and religious communities demand for their own pleasure is the original sin. It's the desire to be God-like. That wasn't God's intention for us. He created us human for a reason - and He calls our humanity GOOD (Genesis 1:31).
This is good news! It means we are free to relax and enjoy our status as God's beloved human daughters. We don't have to be perfect to win His favor, love, and acceptance. We are beloved just as we are. What peace and rest that truth offers us!
If God calls us His friends (John 15:5), can we not also make friends with ourselves? Can we not also treat ourselves with respect and love? The degree to which we accept ourselves in our humanity is the degree to which we will accept others in theirs. So this is a pretty important key to loving others!
And we show our love and respect for our Creator when we accept His creation of ourselves. This is not evil. This is the opposite of evil. This is one of the ways we bring honor to our Creator. Satan, on the other hand, hates everything God created, but in particular, human beings. So when we hate on ourselves and make ourselves our number one enemy, we are playing right into the devil's hand. And that, my friends, IS evil and brings about a host of evil.
Remember that the enemy always flips everything upside down. Opposites. It's fascinating to find them as you deconstruct your theology and let God renovate it from the ground up.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS FORGIVING YOURSELF.
But can we forgive others if we cannot forgive ourselves? And how are we reveling in God's forgiveness when we cling to our shame and wallow in our regrets? We have all made mistakes. Bad decisions. Hasty conclusions. Foolish moves. We've experienced the consequences of those choices, and we've watched those we love also bear the brunt of ripple effects of our faulty movements in this world.
But this does not surprise God or hold Him back in any way from telling His redeeming story in our lives. He is a whole lot bigger than that. He has anticipated every wise and every foolish thing we've ever done, and He is able to paint a beautiful picture not only in SPITE of the blotches we make on the canvas, but BECAUSE of them. I don't get it. Who can? It's incredible, and it inspires me to worship Him. It also enables me to let go and forgive myself so I can move forward in abandon - choosing to LIVE instead of hold back in fear.
If He forgives us (and He does), we are free to forgive ourselves.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS RESPECTING YOURSELF.
We respect those we admire. Those who do what we wish we could do if only we had the strength, the courage, the resources, and the power. But for us to grow in self-respect, we need to actually take a step in the direction of putting ourselves out there! We need to stop sitting on the sidelines of life and get into the arena and ENGAGE in this life God gave to us. With each brave step we take, however small, we grow in self-respect.
It might be as simple as choosing the color of a new quilt for your bed instead of letting someone else choose it for you.
In my upcoming book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, I say this about respect:
"Respect is being courteous, actively engaging with the other person's hopes and dreams, listening well, caring about the feedback of the other person, paying attention, compromising, asking their opinion, accepting their differences, working toward non-judgment, asking instead of demanding, and basically just treating the other person like they are special and worthy of your regard. You cannot demand respect. It must be freely given for it to be real, because respect is born of love, and love is given, not taken.
To disrespect someone is to ignore their voice, blame and shame them, take power over them, treat them rudely, look down on them, avoid them, give them the silent treatment when they don't do what you want them to do, call them names, demand obedience, threaten them, and refuse to tolerate their differences."
Applying this to yourself, are you courteous to yourself? Or is the committee inside your head always tearing you apart? Do you pay attention to your own gut and give it credibility? Do you believe you are worthy of regard? Do you shame and blame yourself, look down on yourself, call yourself names, and refuse to tolerate how you are different from everyone else?
For you to truly love and respect others, you must begin by loving and respecting yourself. It's the difference between being a child who needs the approval of others to know she is enough - and an adult who has an intrinsic understanding of her worth just as she is as well as the worth of other human beings just as they are.
When people are disrespecting you and trying to manipulate and control and micro-manage your life, it is because they lack a true sense of their own value and worth just as they are. They have to demean and dehumanize and take power over others in order to feel better about themselves. This is childish behavior at best, and wicked in its worst form.
Respect yourself, and you will naturally gain the respect of other healthy human beings.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS MAKING DECISIONS THAT ARE HEALTHY FOR YOU.
When we have lived life going along with the decisions everyone around us is making for our lives, it's easy to believe this is just how it's supposed to be, and we think we have no choices. But the fact is, we do. They may not all be great choices. They may be hard choices with sticker bushes and pouring rain either way we go, but they are choices, and they are OUR choices. Sometimes the only choices at first are really hard, but as time goes by, and we gain strength and momentum, our choices open up a bit more. And a bit more yet. Until we find we are no longer moving in a cramped room that is 2' by 2', but instead we are moving in a wide open space, and it's actually a sunny day with a light breeze blowing.
Change isn't about huge leaps off cliffs, although once in a while it may feel like that. Change is more about tiny shifts in the way we think and what we do in our daily lives that add up over time. Never underestimate your power of choice.
ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF MEANS USING YOUR VOICE.
You knew it was coming. This is what we usually think of when we think of advocating for ourselves. We think of defending ourselves. Sticking up for ourselves. Speaking our truth. But using your voice doesn't have to be super invasive or obnoxious at all. Most of the time it's just quietly saying what you know to be true and leaving it at that. No need to defend your stand. In fact, it's usually better not to. There is far more power in stating your experience or your belief about something and refusing to engage in a futile argument that will go nowhere.
Our job isn't to convince others of what we know to be true. Jesus didn't do that. He never defended Himself to fools. He just did what He came to do. Quietly. Truthfully. In personal strength and power. And some believed, and some didn't. Some killed Him, and some followed Him into Paradise.
His super-power is your super-power. The super-power of knowing who you are in Christ and trusting that as you advocate for yourself in these ways, you will grow up into the full stature of your womanhood, thereby fulfilling the destiny you were created for on this earth. To fly free yourself and to model that for the generations after you.
"Then you shall take delight in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth," Isaiah 58:14
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