Toxic people

Toxic People Aren't the Problem

by Steve Gwisdalla

Hello my friends. As we move bravely forward into this new year, I would like to take a few moments and have a chat about a question a very pleasant woman and "friend of my articles" asked me the other day. Forgive me for paraphrasing the conversation, but the gist went something like this..

"You always seem so up and positive. How do you deal with toxic people in your life. I am sure you know some. Are you really the same person around such toxic folks?

My answer was simple.

"Yes indeed."

A conversation ensued about how I was able to do it. You see, I know some people who could easily be placed into the 'toxic' category. People who are always looking for the negative or bad and then lament on and on when they find it. Critical, judgmental, and offering their opinions even when no one asked. Does that sound like anyone you know in your lives? Not just narcissistic, but such extreme negativity that their toxicity makes the average narcissist look downright pleasant. Another great quote from my late Grandma Nina fits in perfectly here. About people like this she would say, "They pray for rain then curse when they step in a puddle."

For all those people are, they are not to me. Huh? Let me explain. Of all the toxic people I know in my life, none of them are toxic because of me. I have done nothing to them to either create, foster, or develop the level of toxicity they exude. I am a witness to it, but not the cause of any of it. Think about the people in your life that fall under this inauspicious category. Are you really the cause of any of their negative issues? Oh, they may lump you into a group or a situation because you were present, but do you see what I mean? They were before you and they will be after you. This premise, I said to that nice lady who struck up this conversation with me several weeks ago, is how I deal with them. Beginning my interactions with them by standing on the firm foundation of knowing that it has zero to do with me. It is all about them. When the balancing scale is that lopsided, we can just step off it emotionally and have a very distant, arms-length conversation with them without getting sucked up into their world. This includes family members. It is not about you, even if they try to make it about you. When you boil it all away, it is about them. If you have ever reduced a sauce or watched a pot of water boil on your stovetop, then you can visualize my analogy here. Watching the steam leave the pot is exactly how I feel when dealing with toxic people. I just let it evaporate away.

My friends, it is when we wade into those toxic waters with them, start slinging dirt about people, lamenting your problems with them, and empowering them by egging them on that it very much becomes about us. Please do not take the bait. Toxic people become our problem when we let them in. When the proverbial steam mentioned above starts seeping into our skin. My largest piece of armor to fend off this toxic onslaught are these two phrases:

Their issues aren't my fault.

I simply choose not to play.

It can be tempting to try and 'fix' them and try to help them. Help cannot find them until they seek it out. The only person you have one hundred percent control over in a conversation with a toxic person is you. When the conversation is over, take a deep breath and get on with your "Tribe of Up" day. My dad used to have a sign hanging in his garage. It read, "We need people like them to make people like us look better." He thought it was funny. I look back and remember that sign and it is not particularly incorrect. I feel bad for the toxic people I know in my life. I pray for them. But then I feel grateful that I do not seek to find the bad out there like they do, I seek to find the beautiful. Toxic people will always be around and that is sad. Avoiding becoming one is the goal for me and remembering the two points listed above has always helped me and I hope they help you. Instead of playing their games, I would rather play catch with my son, play cards with my family on game nights and play with our new puppy.

Healing

 In English, we say,

"I'm healing."

In poetry, we say,

"My heart is learning to

bloom again, even in the 

soil of old pain."

~lettersofannawin

Wait

 In English, we say,

"I'll wait for the right time."

In poetry, we say,

"I trust the seasons, knowing that

flowers never rush their spring."

~lettersofannawin

One day

Happiness. One Day I Will...

by Steve Gwisdalla

I read something the other day that has stuck with me. It talked about happiness. Paraphrasing, it read something like this: If you are looking for that person or thing to make you happy, stop. Find happiness within. My version is a little more to the point, but you get the idea. As a society, we are always looking for that thing (fill in the blank here...A person, a thing, an experience, a substance) that will bring us the true happiness we are really craving. When I meet that special someone, I will find happiness. When I finally get to take that trip, I will find happiness. Tonight, after work when I go out with my friends for happy hour, I will find happiness. One day, one day, one day.

Why do we need something other than ourselves when it comes to finding happiness? We actively seek it. On my social media pages, I know several people who are constantly on the lookout for a "Mr. or Ms. Right." Then they will be happy. As a child, I remember many an hour spent in the backseat of a Datsun travelling to a vacation destination and it seemed like no fun was allowed until we got there. I am sure we all know someone who has gone through recovery, after spending a part of their life looking for happiness in the escape of drugs or alcohol. Happiness is elusive. We can often see the shadow of it, but it escapes our vision when we turn to look at it. Seemingly just missing it, time after time can lead to sad, depressive thinking. Thinking we are not worthy of it. The world hates us. We do not deserve it. Karma is exacting its due.

My friends, you already know what I am going to say next, but it is going to be said anyway. Happiness lies within us. It has been a long and exhausting journey, and it is far from over, but every day, I find me liking myself a little more. I am genuinely happy with my own company. Have you ever thought of something and made yourself laugh? Have you ever thought, where did that come from? That is how I know I am on the right path for finding inner happiness. I make myself giggle all the time. I never knew I was so funny. How and where did I come from to get to this place on the road of life? One simple word my friends.

Perspective.

The other day I heard an old song on the radio again, but for the first time. Does that make sense? I really listened to it. It is a song by Kenny Rogers, called The Greatest. It is about a little boy, his baseball bat and ball. He says, "I am the greatest player of them all" and throws the ball up and tries to hit it. Strike one. Swing and miss. He does this three times, missing each time and essentially striking himself out. Instead of getting sad or depressed, these are the last two lines of the song.

"He says I am the greatest, that is understood.

But even I didn't know, I could pitch that good."

Life is perspective, my friends. You do not need someone else to make you happy. You do not need substances or experiences. You need good company from the person in the mirror. Like yourself. Cut yourself a little slack for the swings and misses. Forgive yourself and move on.

Forgive yourself and move on.

There have been many articles about happy things here in the Tribe of Up. Sometimes, we need a few moments of honesty in the hopes of gaining some clarity. I never accept criticism from anyone I would not go to for advice, and that begins with that little voice in my head. My Gremlin. I have talked about it before, but that little jerk has a limitless memory. I forgive him. I forgive myself. I cannot always hit the ball when I throw it up and swing. I miss far more than I hit. It isn't because I am a terrible person, unworthy of happiness. It isn't because my life's ledger is in the red and Karma is having its way with me. It isn't because I haven't found it in others. It is because I am a hell of a pitcher. I smile every time I miss that proverbial ball. A struggle here, a brief pity party for myself there. I pick up the ball, shoulder the bat and take another swing. I like myself. A lot. I could not always say that if I am being completely honest with you. My younger self made a lot of mistakes and wasted a lot of time in search of that external happiness. By changing my perspective and realizing I had certain weaknesses that were just hiding hidden strengths, I have found an overabundance of happiness both within and without of my own head. Great family, great friends, great experiences all because I started smiling at the person in the mirror and meaning it. I see the gray creeping in. I see more wrinkles. A little more sagging than last year. I am certain I will throw that ball up and swing and miss many more times in my remaining years. But do you know what? I sure am a hell of a great pitcher!

Big heart

Please, don't always be that

person with a big heart who gives

more than they get. You deserve

good things too. You deserve

care, good treatment, and

support. Learn to know when to

sit back and be treated well, too,

you deserve it.

~The Bat Wolf

Excluded you

 They didn't include you for a reason...stop including who excluded you.

A snake

 Worth repeating...

A monk once said:

"Imagine being bitten by a snake,

and instead of focusing on healing

from the poison,

You chase the snake to 

understand why it bit you and to

prove that you didn't deserve it."

Don't need

From Mind Inspire

You don't need coffee, you need sleep.

You don't need nicotine, you need to walk.

You don't need to get drunk; you need to laugh out loud.

You don't need to shout; you need to express yourself.

You don't need to denigrate; you need art.

You don't need stimulants; you need relaxation.

You don't need TV; you need books.

You don't need to shop; you need nature.

You don't need to judge; you need empathy.

You don't need religions; you need spirituality.

You don't need validation; you need self love.

You don't need entertainment; you need training.

But above all you need inner peace, which requires harmony between the inside and the outside.

Do what you believe and believe in what you do.

Fear arises

 Fear arises when we imagine everything depends on us.  ~Elisabeth Elliot

My whole life

and i said to my body, softly. 'i want to be your friend.'

it took a long breath.

and replied. 'i have been waiting my whole life for this.'

~Nayyirah Waheed, The Soul leaf

Boys and men

 BOY vs. MAN

A boy will admit that

you deserve better and walk away from you.

A man will recognize you

deserve better and fight

every single day to be the best

version of himself for you.

    DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS.

Reactive

 Reactive abuse happens when

someone pushes you until you act out

of character. Then, they shame you

for your reaction. If you hold a match

to a candle, sooner or later, it will start

to burn.

Not to be true

Not all nightmares occur when you are asleep.

I lived through one, awake.

Eyes wide open, mouth wide open.

Staring.

Gasping for air that never came.

A guttural howl escaped my lips and bounced off the stars.

I'm sure all the angels bore witness to me that night,

screaming for this not to be true.

~Sharyn Marsh, Leave Her Wild

Is also

 Abuse is also:

• Humiliating you in front of others
• Invading your personal space and boundaries
• Constantly criticizing you
• Making you feel like the fool one
• Dismissing your thoughts or feelings
• Making you doubt yourself
• Blaming you for their actions
• Using sarcasm to hurt you
• Controlling every aspect of your life

Made of

There will be people

in this life

who will cut you open

just to see

what you are made of...

show them

it is love.

~Donna Ashworth

Blocked me

 Before my girl blocked me

out her life, her last text to me said:

You made me feel like I was hard to love,

but the truth is, I was just asking for more

than you were willing to give.

I stayed longer than I should have,

convincing myself that you'd eventually

change, but all I did was lose pieces of

myself trying to teach you how to care.

I gave you my patience, my effort, and my 

love, and in return, you gave me reasons to 

leave. I'm done losing me just to keep you.

If he

by Erin Pierson

If he blamed you for his actions and never apologized, he lacked the maturity to take responsibility for his behavior. Blame was his way of deflecting accountability, leaving you burdened with guilt that was never yours to carry.

If it was always his way or the highway, it was not a partnership but a dictatorship. A relationship is meant to be a union of two souls working together, not one person dominating the other into submission.

When things didn't go his way and he sulked, he revealed his inability to navigate conflict with grace. Immature responses to challenges left you feeling unheard, as though your needs were irrelevant to him.

If he didn't know how to hold space for your emotions, it's because he hadn't learned to hold space for his own. A man who cannot sit with his own discomfort will struggle to honor yours, leaving you feeling isolated in your pain.

If he was unable to listen to difficult truths about himself, he wasn't ready to grow. Growth requires humility and courage, two qualities that a loving partner should possess. His resistance to self-reflection hindered both his personal evolution and the health of your relationship.

If he dismissed your boundaries or made you feel like they were unreasonable, he showed a lack of respect for your individuality. Healthy love honors boundaries, knowing they are essential for mutual trust and emotional safety.

If he used manipulation to get what he wanted, whether through guilt, charm, or anger, he did not truly love you - he sought to control you. Love is not about power; it is about mutual empowerment.

If he made you feel small so he could feel big, it was his insecurity speaking, not love. True love uplifts, celebrates, and cherishes - it does not diminish or devalue.

If he avoided meaningful conversations and shut down when things got hard, he failed to invest in the emotional intimacy that sustains a deep connection. Silence in moments of need can be more damaging than words.

If he invalidated your feelings by calling you "too emotional" or "too sensitive," he failed to see your emotions as a beautiful expression of your humanity. Your feelings deserved compassion, not ridicule.

If he couldn't celebrate your achievements or dreams, it's because he was threatened by your light. A healthy partner rejoices in your victories and supports your aspirations.

If he failed to make you feel safe in the relationship - emotionally, mentally, or physically - then he wasn't the man for you. Love should be a sanctuary, not a battlefield.

If you ever felt you had to shrink yourself to fit into his world, remember: you were never too much. He was simply unwilling to rise to the level of your greatness.

If you've walked away from such a man, know this: you are brave, strong, and worthy of a love that cherishes you completely. Leaving wasn't a failure; it was an act of self-love.

You are not responsible for his inability to love you the way you deserved. His shortcomings are not a reflection of your worth. You are whole, radiant, and powerful beyond measure.

The right man will honor you, celebrate you, and grow with you. Until then, hold onto your worth and never settle for less than the love you deserve.

~Abhikesh Credit

Six brief stories

SIX BRIEF STORIES FULL OF MEANING

1. Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer, all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. That is faith.
2. When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them. That is trust.
3. Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still we set alarms to wake up. That is hope.
4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. That is confidence.
5. We see the world suffering, but still, we get married and have children. That is love.
6. On on old man's shirt was written a sentence, "I am not 80 years old; I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience." That is attitude.

Have a happy day and live your life like these six stories. Remember - Good friends are the rare jewels of life, difficult to find and impossible to replace!

     

To the Lighthouse

 To the Lighthouse

by Virginia Woolf

"What is the meaning of life?

That was all - a simple

question; one that tended to

close in on one with years, the

great revelation had never 

come. The great revelation

perhaps never did come.

Instead, there were little daily

miracles, illuminations,

matches struck unexpectedly in 

the dark; here was one."

One day

 From Virgo - Introvert by nature

One day, you will look back and realize how many times I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't listen.

You will remember how often I told you that your behavior is hurting me, and you brushed it off.

You will remember that I warned you that I was slipping away, but you didn't believe me.

You'll recall all the kind things I did for you that you took for granted.

You'll remember the times I set my pride aside to save us, even when you were wrong.

You'll think about my kisses, my hugs, my laughter, and the little things I did for you.

You'll remember how I looked at you, cared for you, and said, "I love you" while holding your face.

You'll remember my jokes, my quirks, and even what you called my "toxicity" ~ which was really just me

refusing to overlook your mistakes.

I made you important, but you didn't do the same for me.

Now, you'll face my silence and my absence.

Because when someone stops asking for attention and trying to talk, it means they've given up and have no fight left...

Good for you

Someone asked me, "how will you know if the person is good for you?"

There are many signs, I think. But I strongly believe that someone is good for you is they bring out the softness in you. The version of you who likes bright colors, cute stuff, and calm music. The one who sends cute reels, saves animal photos, and watches animated movies. The one who sings in the kitchen, dances in the rain, and giggles even after a long tiring day. The version of you that says gentle words, speaks in a soft voice, and feels as safe as a sweet child under the star-painted ceiling when around them. The one that doesn't do people-pleasing, says what the heart says, and feels comfortable just being true.

I think the main sign that a person is good for you is when they make you realize you can outgrow the version of you who's always in defense mode. When they make you realize that you also want to be loved. When they make you realize that you, too, are capable of loving.

Shrinking

 Stop shrinking

yourself to fit in

all the places you've 

already outgrown.

Know your own

worth.

~@mynames_ellen

Imagine

   Imagine if you extended the same

level of love, compassion, and

mercy to yourself that you've

been giving to everyone else...

Bad again

 

Do you ever notice yourself

getting bad again. Like, you

know you're not doing work

that needs to be done, you

know you're not cleaning,

you know you're not taking

care of yourself, you know

all the things you need to do

to start trying to feel better.

But you just can't.

It's scary

I know it's scary,

but choose you.

the real you

the whole you

the you you meet in the dark

at 2AM

the you you sing to

in the car.

Choose her.

The rest will come.

~Alix Klingenberg

Doing more

 You'll never be criticized by

someone who is doing more than you.

You'll always be criticized by

someone doing less.

Hurts me

I know that my kindness

hurts me,

but I will continue to choose it,

not because I'm naive

but because my actions define me.

~Najwa Zebian

Expected

 

You need to stop doing

things for someone...

when you find out

it's expected rather

than appreciated.

Is worse

 When Cardi B. said "It's

 gonna hurt me to hate you,

but loving you is worse"

I felt that.

 

 

But in poetry

From Larson Langston

In English, we say, "I miss you."

But in poetry, we say:

"I trace the shape of your absence in the spaces where your laughter used to linger,

and let the echoes of you fill the hollow hours."

In English, we say, "I don't know how to let go."

But in poetry, we say:

"I carry you in my chest like a stone -

heavy, unyielding, and carved with the sharp edges of what once was."

In English, we say, "I feel lost."

But in poetry, we say:

"The compass of my heart spins wildly now,

its needle drawn to places it can no longer call home."

In English, we say, "I wish it were different."

But in poetry, we say:

"I water the garden of could-have-beens with tears,

waiting for flowers that refuse to bloom."

In English, we say, "I hope you're happy."

But in poetry, we say:

"May the sun that warms your days and

be as kind as the first kiss of dew on the dawning light upon the leafs of the laurel that we

once made love under."

In English, we say, "You hurt me."

But in poetry, we say:

"You planted thorns in my chest with hands I once trusted,

and now every breath feels like an apology I shouldn't owe."

In English, we say, "I wanted to stay."

But in poetry, we say:

"I lingered at the edge of your world,

a star burning quietly, unnoticed in your vast, indifferent sky."

In English, we say, "I'm trying to move on."

But in poetry, we say:

"I untangle your name from my veins each morning,

only to find it woven into my dreams again at night."

In English, we say, "It'll be okay."

But in poetry, we say:

"I gather the shattered pieces of myself like broken glass,

knowing someday, even scars can catch the light."

With poetry I write paths through gardens of grace with words in ways my body dare not whole.

Not crazy

 I'm not crazy, I was abused.

I'm not stupid, I was manipulated.

I'm not shy, I'm protecting myself.

I'm not bitter, I'm speaking the truth.

I'm not hanging onto the past, I've been damaged.

I'm not delusional, I lived a nightmare.

I'm not weak, I was trusting.

I'm not giving up, I'm healing.

~Robert Wilkinson

The source

 

Dear Men,

When you bring her 

into your life it's 

your responsibility

to protect her

rights and make her

feel safe at all

costs, no excuses

can be accepted.

Abuse is abuse no 

matter who is the

source.

Not broken

 There is nothing wrong with you.

You are just a human trying to

process unimaginably painful events.

You are not broken.

You are grieving.

Be found

 I found this deep quote:

"Sometimes you think that you want to disappear.

But all you really want is to be found."

It hits me hard.

Most powerful

You've grown into someone who would have protected you as a child.

And that is the most powerful move you made.

Audacious

 Someone needs to hear this:

When people decide to be audacious with their disrespect, you have a right to be courageous with your boundaries. You do not owe kindness to anyone who treats you with contempt. Teach people that there are consequences for their actions toward you.

Calamity of adversity

 From God's Revival 2018

In the calamity of adversity there is a loud commotion bringing your attention to it. Rebuke the storm and have faith, for the peace and presence of God awaits you. Enter in to the courtyard of God. Begin with worship and praise and continue with prayer and admire Him in every way you can, and before you know it you will be surrounded by the peace and presence of God. We know that all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We have entered into a time of rest and worship. Let the Lord be magnified and His enemies be scattered. I will praise the Lord with every breath until He comes for me on my last day. Glory to God who cares for each and every one of us.

Hotels

 Don't sell your house to sleep one

night at the hotel.

But this isn't about houses or hotels.

Revealed daily

 No human is strong

enough to withstand

seeing too much of  God's

plan in advance.

It must be revealed daily.

We must be led to

it and through it slowly.

~Lysa Terkeurst

Hanging onto love

 People rush to get rid of grief

because they see it as hanging 

onto loss. But grief is really

hanging onto love - which is

why you always feel it.

~Riri

Different

But, my darling

you being different...

was your strength

all along.

~N.R. Hart

One person

There is not one person walking this earth

that is worth you laying awake at night

feeling like you are not good enough.

Remember that.

Capture joy

To capture

Joy,

we must cast 

a net 

of Gratitude 

Depends on

 Fear arises when we imagine everything depends on us.  ~Elisabeth Elliot

Good enough

 This is hard...

My New Year's resolution is to 

stop wondering if I'm good 

enough for other people and 

start wondering if they're good 

enough for me

No consequence or reward

 Worth reposting...

When there is no consequence for poor work ethic,

and no reward for good work ethic,

there is no motivation.

Decide

 To be passive is to let others decide for you.

To be aggressive is to decide for others.

To be assertive is to decide for yourself.

~Edith Eger

Feel

Very practical advice...

If you feel like everyone hates you, you need sleep.

If you feel like you hate everyone, you need to eat.

If you feel like you hate yourself, take a shower. 

Your calling

 Maybe your

path is

harder because

your calling

is higher

Unlearn

It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. 

Your "job"

 If it was "your job" to make sure your mom or dad didn't get angry,

Then it's probably now "your job" to make sure your spouse's life is complete and perfect.

And by now, you're probably exhausted.

None of these things were, or are, "your job."

Set those bricks down and carry that weight no more.

Abundance of empathy

 Whenever I see someone with an

abundance of empathy, I want to ask,

"what heartbreak have they endured,

for compassion is often birthed in

the valley of despair."

~Zoe Clark, Art of Poets

Breathtaking gamble

What a breathtaking gamble

falling in love is,

the possibility of forever

or the bestowing

of a wound

that will never quite heal;

such a risk,

such a worthwhile risk.

~Edward Lee

Last choice

Please understand that 

she's been everyone's

last choice.

So if she gets quiet and

starts to overthink, 

it's not you.

She's just been made to

believe that she'll never

be enough for anyone. 

Our job

Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy.

~Thomas Merton

Nobody knows

Things nobody knows about me:

~Being yelled at makes me shut down.

~I don't open up to anyone unless I'm close to you.

~Music is my therapy.

~When I love, I love hard.

~I distance myself from everyone when life gets tough.

~I put other people's feelings before my own.

~I give too many chances.

~I am an overthinker.

~I take every word and everything to heart.

~I remember more negative things said to me than positive.

~I just want to be loved.

~Robert Wilkinson

The valleys

Mountaintops are for views and inspiration,

but fruit is grown in the valleys.

~Billy Graham

About boundaries

I think so often, what people misunderstand about boundaries

is that the point of setting them is not to change other people's 

behavior or convince them to value different things - it's to

advocate for yourself, regardless of how they respond.

~Danielle Koepke

Endorse yourself

Your purpose isn't up for debate,

comparison or speculation.

You're powerful without the need of

acknowledgment and praise.

Outside validation is a dangerous thing to crave.

Endorse yourself. 

Happy New Year

when I say happy new year

I'm really wishing you

more happy days

than sad days

more joy that misery

more laughter than fear

and the wisdom to accept

that they all belong

~Donna Ashworth

Right person

 With the right person you'll fall in love with yourself too