Most importantly love
like it's the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you're sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched people around you
and how much you gave them
Friday, August 31, 2018
Next will be the last
My next relationship will be my last,
so I'm not looking,
I'm not worried,
I'm not rushing.
I want this love to find me,
learn me, want me, need me,
and love me in slow motion,
we have forever to go.
so I'm not looking,
I'm not worried,
I'm not rushing.
I want this love to find me,
learn me, want me, need me,
and love me in slow motion,
we have forever to go.
What does God say
From Flying Free Now
What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?
"I knew that God loved me, but I couldn't figure out why those I sought help from didn't treat me as He did. They told me God had called me to suffer, and it was my job to suffer well. It was confusing because the character of God isn't that of a cruel, heartless punisher."
"One hard question I really struggle with is how do I really believe God loves me? I grew up in an abusive home and ended up with an emotionally abusive marriage, I feel like I was set up to fail, like I never even had a chance. I have such a hard time reconciling God's love with putting so many of us women in these situations pretty much from day one. We are primed to be abused. It doesn't feel like love to me."
-Quotes from Emotional Abuse Survivors
Many Christians believe God condones some kinds of abuse. Everyone seems to have their own standards for what constitutes abuse, and they also have their own ideas about how the various types of abuse fit into their personal theology. And every single one firmly believes his particular opinion about abuse is the absolute truth, and anyone who disagrees, especially an abuse survivor, is wrong and deserves to be shunned.
Of course, most of them haven't studied the subject. They just buy into the propaganda fed to them by teachers who believe in a historically pagan, power-over structure of human relationships. It's fascinating and tragic. An abuse victim's pastor and Christian friends not only minimize what she is going through (as if they know), but they also callously lecture her about how God wants her to glorify Him through her suffering.
What kind of god requires the suffering of women and children in order to be glorified?
Moloch, maybe. Baal, maybe. But not Jehovah God. He is not a sadistic, pagan god, and I believe what will glorify Him most is to expose misogynistic lies and teach the truth about abuse.
Contrary to the propaganda you've been taught, God doesn't set women up to be abused as children and then adults. God doesn't perpetrate abuse on human beings. Human beings do that all on their own.
God doesn't control people. He let Adam and Eve choose, and He has let every human ever since choose. People sin, and the do horrible things to other people. We see the effects of this on a global scale. God promises to love us, to be with us, to assist us in our efforts to overcome the effects of sin here on earth, and to one day set us free for all eternity. Every effort we make to tell the truth, pray the truth, live the truth, and put our hope in our Creator, advances His kingdom a little bit further on this earth. When we take a stand against abuse, whether it is abuse in our own life or in own life or in the lives of others, we are working on His behalf and for His glory.
Here's what God really thinks of abuse:
1. HE HATES IT.
"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers." (Proverbs 6:16-19).
Interestingly enough, Christians love to say "God hates divorce" and they will forbid an abuse victim from getting legal protection from her abuser and even excommunicate her if she doesn't obey them. But they won't do a thing about abuse even though God clearly hates it just as much. Here's an idea: as long as we are getting radical about the things God hates, why not get radical about dealing with abuse? If God hates abuse, why are they not supporting the victim in helping her acquire legal protection and excommunicating her abuser?
One reason: MISOGYNY
2. HE SAYS AN ABUSER IS A FRAUD, AND HIS RELIGION IS WORTHLESS. THESE ARE WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING, AND THEY ARE DANGEROUS.
"If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless." (James 1:26)
"I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren. (2 Corinthians 11:26)
"But it was because of the false brethren secretly brought in, who had sneaked in to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, in order to bring us into bondage." (Galatians 2:4)
3. HE SAYS ABUSERS ARE AN ABOMINATION
"He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, Both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord." (Proverbs 17:15)
Abusive men and churches justify the wicked and condemn the righteous when they support abusers and condemn victims. This is an abomination to God.
4. HE SAYS VERBAL ABUSE HARMS PEOPLE AND CARRIES THE POWER OF DEATH.
"...the companion of fools will suffer harm." (Proverbs 13:20)
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21)
"Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, 'I am only joking!'" (Proverbs 26:18)
Religious people will say it's no big deal. God says it's a matter of life and death.
5. HE SAYS EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS A HEAVY BURDEN TO BEAR UP UNDER.
"A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool's provocation is heavier than both." (Proverbs 27:3)
"A man's spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?" (Proverbs 18:14)
You may get no compassion or understanding from religious people, but your Creator and Savior sees and validates the horror of it.
6. HE HAS HARD WORDS FOR ABUSERS WHO DAMAGE THEIR CHILDREN IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
"But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea." (Matthew 18:6)
How many emotionally abusive fathers create a chaotic, confusing, hypocritical environment for their children to grow up in, causing those children to want nothing to do with their father's God. This is perhaps the most devastating result of covert abuse. Especially when it is endorsed by the church. God will not be mocked.
7. HE SAYS VERBAL ABUSE (EMOTIONAL ABUSE) IS THE EQUIVALENT OF BEING GUTTED WITH A KNIFE.
"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." (Proverbs 12:18)
"My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords." (Psalm 55:20-21)
Many emotional abuse victims are told that emotional abuse isn't real abuse. People who haven't experienced emotional abuse will ignorantly claim that real abuse is being beaten, and you have to be beaten a lot for it to be serious enough to justify legal protection through divorce. Even then, they encourage the victims to forgive and suffer. But emotional abuse? No biggie to them. And it's certainly not something to even consider leaving your husband over.
But you need to know that God doesn't see it that way. He knows what emotional abuse does to your body, mind and spirit, and He sees the seriousness of what you're going through. I don't believe God views this as "no big deal."
Unlike those who refuse to believe you or understand what it is like to live in an abusive environment every day, Jesus understands perfectly and takes what is happening to you seriously. Here's just a taste of the kind of emotional abuse Jesus endured on our behalf, and I hope this helps you realize how much compassion Jesus has for you:
1. PIOUS JEWS AND PHARISEES ACCUSED HIM OF WORKING FOR THE DEVIL.
"The Jews answered him,'Are we not right in saying that you are a Samaritan and have a demon?'"
(John 8:48)
"But some of them said, 'He casts out demons by Beelzebul, the prince of demons,'" (Luke 11:15)
2. THEY MOCKED JESUS WHEN HE TOLD THE PHARISEES THEY COULDN'T SERVE TWO MASTERS.
"The Pharisees, who were lovers of money...ridiculed him." (Luke 16:14)
3. THEY TRIED TO PROVOKE HIM AND TRIP HIM UP.
"As he went away from there, the scribes and the Pharisees began to press him hard and to provoke him to speak about many things, lying in wait for him, to catch him in something he might say." (Luke 11:53-54)
4. THEY DENIED THEIR ABUSE AND SHIFTED THE BLAME.
Jesus said, "Has not Moses given you the law? Yet none of you keeps the law. Why do you seek to kill me?" The crowd answered, 'You have a demon! Who is seeking to kill you?" (John 7:19-20)
Valerie Jacobson writes:
Our lives here on earth depend on a mysterious union between our fallen souls and our fallen bodies. The old Gnostics did not see us as fallen, body and soul. They believed that we have souls, which are glorious and cannot be harmed, and bodies that are damaged, unworthy, and easily broken. Many teachers still reproduce these ideas when they teach that only physical abuse is real abuse, that only physical abuse should be escaped.
But God's heart is always for us, whenever we are being harmed, whether spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or physically. He sees us and knows that it is impossible for us to gauge the severity and the effects of abuse by looking over the surface of our bodies, by looking for bruises to count, or by using x-rays to check for broken bones. He sees that our souls ache from pain. He sees that emotional abuse and psychological torture do measurable harm to our brains and endocrine systems. He knows that PTSD is more painful and harder to treat than some bruises or a broken nose. He sees true suffering wherever it is, and when He sees it in us, He views it with compassion.
Whatever his weapons, an abuser attacks the image of God and wars against the creator. An abuser cannot image what God sees-that we were never created chiefly to please them, to bear children and keep houses for them, or to work for their provision. God has declared that our central purpose is to be His, to be faithful to Him, and to worship Him. When an abuser attacks the believing child of the living God, he seeks to divide us from our Savior, to cause us (as Job's wife said) to curse God, give up hope, and die. In this, an abuser is ignoring that we are beloved by God, that we have been redeemed at great cost, and he openly wars against God, shaking his fist in God's face, demanding to have us, use us, consume us, and destroy us.
As an abuser attacks, insults, and controls, God sees and knows that he is stealing our liberty and our peace. God sees that his sacred commitment to love, honor, and protect us are being violated. God sees as the abuser willingly defies God as Lawgiver, seeking to become a Law unto himself.
And God sees us, His precious ones, when we suffer. God sees our abuse as it is, when our lives have become battlegrounds with real suffering and the risk of real casualties. He stands with us, and He walks with us while persecution takes its secret, underhanded forms in the most hidden places of our homes. Make no mistake. God sees His friends who love Him and trust in Him, repenting of our sins. And He also sees our abusers (especially our religious abusers) as His enemies, as enemies of the truth, and as enemies of the Gospel. He sees the heart of malevolence that craves an innocent victim and intends to cause injury.
He knows that evil gives very little advance warning, but He taught us to identify the one who is deceitful, destructive, malicious, and malevolent, and He taught us to protect ourselves and others from harm and danger. It is He who is calling us to see our condition, even when our hearts are aching with desire that which is true might not be true. It is He who is opening our eyes and calling us to reflect His image by speaking the truth. It is He who gives us the courage to say, "Thy will be done," in the unexpected, and the unwanted, when we must flee from indignity and cruelty, when we must undertake an honest and biblical mission where we can find our liberty and a safe place to stand firm before Him.
As the ones who will live with the consequences for ourselves and our children, we are the ones who are given wisdom and strength and called to action. Our pain and distress in abuse also causes us to work with God as He cleanses families, churches, and communities from evil and creates places of real peace and safety for us. It is He who was taught us that no wolf in sheep's clothing must ever be tolerated or enabled, that each must be removed from any place where he is determined to cause harm. And it is He who taught us to report criminal wolves to the police, without hesitation or pity, and to speak the whole truth about them to investigators and in court. (Leviticus 5:1)
As victims of abuse, it is easy to become entangled in a hopeless quest of trying to fix an abuser, help him, and cure him-but we could as easily raise the dead! There is only one Savior. We cannot save ourselves by our own good works, and we will never be wise or righteous enough to save our abusers. We must submit to God who is Almighty-who is more than able both to protect us from evil and to do whatever He pleases with evildoers. We must come to Him as our good father who always has another chapter for our stories and who gives us courage and strength to close and bar the door against evil.
While it's true that abuse is an opportunity to love an enemy, biblical love does not collude with an evildoer or keep him comfortable while he is on a quest to harm us, to harm others, or to destroy his own soul. Biblical love for an enemy provides what enemies require most, including accountability and justice. Biblical love avoids vengeance, seeks justice, and trusts God with every outcome, whether we are taking flight or appealing to courts for justice.
As we stand firm against evil, we can pray that God will enable us to grow in grace, to see our weaknesses and errors, and to learn what it means to love others well and truly. With abuse, it is often many years that we spend trying to support the dysfunction, hoping that we can make it better or at least make it tolerable. Our awakening is often very gradual as God teaches us to see clearly and weans us from our initial expectation, that we made our wedding vows at the beginning of healthy love and biblical marriage. In our awakening, we can continually remind ourselves that God is faithful to teach us that what we see is real, what we hear is being said, what we remember really happened, and that what we know is true.
What Does God Say About Emotional Abuse?
"I knew that God loved me, but I couldn't figure out why those I sought help from didn't treat me as He did. They told me God had called me to suffer, and it was my job to suffer well. It was confusing because the character of God isn't that of a cruel, heartless punisher."
"One hard question I really struggle with is how do I really believe God loves me? I grew up in an abusive home and ended up with an emotionally abusive marriage, I feel like I was set up to fail, like I never even had a chance. I have such a hard time reconciling God's love with putting so many of us women in these situations pretty much from day one. We are primed to be abused. It doesn't feel like love to me."
-Quotes from Emotional Abuse Survivors
Many Christians believe God condones some kinds of abuse. Everyone seems to have their own standards for what constitutes abuse, and they also have their own ideas about how the various types of abuse fit into their personal theology. And every single one firmly believes his particular opinion about abuse is the absolute truth, and anyone who disagrees, especially an abuse survivor, is wrong and deserves to be shunned.
Of course, most of them haven't studied the subject. They just buy into the propaganda fed to them by teachers who believe in a historically pagan, power-over structure of human relationships. It's fascinating and tragic. An abuse victim's pastor and Christian friends not only minimize what she is going through (as if they know), but they also callously lecture her about how God wants her to glorify Him through her suffering.
What kind of god requires the suffering of women and children in order to be glorified?
Moloch, maybe. Baal, maybe. But not Jehovah God. He is not a sadistic, pagan god, and I believe what will glorify Him most is to expose misogynistic lies and teach the truth about abuse.
Contrary to the propaganda you've been taught, God doesn't set women up to be abused as children and then adults. God doesn't perpetrate abuse on human beings. Human beings do that all on their own.
God doesn't control people. He let Adam and Eve choose, and He has let every human ever since choose. People sin, and the do horrible things to other people. We see the effects of this on a global scale. God promises to love us, to be with us, to assist us in our efforts to overcome the effects of sin here on earth, and to one day set us free for all eternity. Every effort we make to tell the truth, pray the truth, live the truth, and put our hope in our Creator, advances His kingdom a little bit further on this earth. When we take a stand against abuse, whether it is abuse in our own life or in own life or in the lives of others, we are working on His behalf and for His glory.
Here's what God really thinks of abuse:
1. HE HATES IT.
"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers." (Proverbs 6:16-19).
Interestingly enough, Christians love to say "God hates divorce" and they will forbid an abuse victim from getting legal protection from her abuser and even excommunicate her if she doesn't obey them. But they won't do a thing about abuse even though God clearly hates it just as much. Here's an idea: as long as we are getting radical about the things God hates, why not get radical about dealing with abuse? If God hates abuse, why are they not supporting the victim in helping her acquire legal protection and excommunicating her abuser?
One reason: MISOGYNY
2. HE SAYS AN ABUSER IS A FRAUD, AND HIS RELIGION IS WORTHLESS. THESE ARE WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING, AND THEY ARE DANGEROUS.
"If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless." (James 1:26)
"I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren. (2 Corinthians 11:26)
"But it was because of the false brethren secretly brought in, who had sneaked in to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, in order to bring us into bondage." (Galatians 2:4)
3. HE SAYS ABUSERS ARE AN ABOMINATION
"He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, Both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord." (Proverbs 17:15)
Abusive men and churches justify the wicked and condemn the righteous when they support abusers and condemn victims. This is an abomination to God.
4. HE SAYS VERBAL ABUSE HARMS PEOPLE AND CARRIES THE POWER OF DEATH.
"...the companion of fools will suffer harm." (Proverbs 13:20)
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21)
"Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, 'I am only joking!'" (Proverbs 26:18)
Religious people will say it's no big deal. God says it's a matter of life and death.
5. HE SAYS EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS A HEAVY BURDEN TO BEAR UP UNDER.
"A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool's provocation is heavier than both." (Proverbs 27:3)
"A man's spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?" (Proverbs 18:14)
You may get no compassion or understanding from religious people, but your Creator and Savior sees and validates the horror of it.
6. HE HAS HARD WORDS FOR ABUSERS WHO DAMAGE THEIR CHILDREN IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
"But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea." (Matthew 18:6)
How many emotionally abusive fathers create a chaotic, confusing, hypocritical environment for their children to grow up in, causing those children to want nothing to do with their father's God. This is perhaps the most devastating result of covert abuse. Especially when it is endorsed by the church. God will not be mocked.
7. HE SAYS VERBAL ABUSE (EMOTIONAL ABUSE) IS THE EQUIVALENT OF BEING GUTTED WITH A KNIFE.
"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." (Proverbs 12:18)
"My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords." (Psalm 55:20-21)
Many emotional abuse victims are told that emotional abuse isn't real abuse. People who haven't experienced emotional abuse will ignorantly claim that real abuse is being beaten, and you have to be beaten a lot for it to be serious enough to justify legal protection through divorce. Even then, they encourage the victims to forgive and suffer. But emotional abuse? No biggie to them. And it's certainly not something to even consider leaving your husband over.
But you need to know that God doesn't see it that way. He knows what emotional abuse does to your body, mind and spirit, and He sees the seriousness of what you're going through. I don't believe God views this as "no big deal."
Unlike those who refuse to believe you or understand what it is like to live in an abusive environment every day, Jesus understands perfectly and takes what is happening to you seriously. Here's just a taste of the kind of emotional abuse Jesus endured on our behalf, and I hope this helps you realize how much compassion Jesus has for you:
1. PIOUS JEWS AND PHARISEES ACCUSED HIM OF WORKING FOR THE DEVIL.
"The Jews answered him,'Are we not right in saying that you are a Samaritan and have a demon?'"
(John 8:48)
"But some of them said, 'He casts out demons by Beelzebul, the prince of demons,'" (Luke 11:15)
2. THEY MOCKED JESUS WHEN HE TOLD THE PHARISEES THEY COULDN'T SERVE TWO MASTERS.
"The Pharisees, who were lovers of money...ridiculed him." (Luke 16:14)
3. THEY TRIED TO PROVOKE HIM AND TRIP HIM UP.
"As he went away from there, the scribes and the Pharisees began to press him hard and to provoke him to speak about many things, lying in wait for him, to catch him in something he might say." (Luke 11:53-54)
4. THEY DENIED THEIR ABUSE AND SHIFTED THE BLAME.
Jesus said, "Has not Moses given you the law? Yet none of you keeps the law. Why do you seek to kill me?" The crowd answered, 'You have a demon! Who is seeking to kill you?" (John 7:19-20)
Valerie Jacobson writes:
Our lives here on earth depend on a mysterious union between our fallen souls and our fallen bodies. The old Gnostics did not see us as fallen, body and soul. They believed that we have souls, which are glorious and cannot be harmed, and bodies that are damaged, unworthy, and easily broken. Many teachers still reproduce these ideas when they teach that only physical abuse is real abuse, that only physical abuse should be escaped.
But God's heart is always for us, whenever we are being harmed, whether spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or physically. He sees us and knows that it is impossible for us to gauge the severity and the effects of abuse by looking over the surface of our bodies, by looking for bruises to count, or by using x-rays to check for broken bones. He sees that our souls ache from pain. He sees that emotional abuse and psychological torture do measurable harm to our brains and endocrine systems. He knows that PTSD is more painful and harder to treat than some bruises or a broken nose. He sees true suffering wherever it is, and when He sees it in us, He views it with compassion.
Whatever his weapons, an abuser attacks the image of God and wars against the creator. An abuser cannot image what God sees-that we were never created chiefly to please them, to bear children and keep houses for them, or to work for their provision. God has declared that our central purpose is to be His, to be faithful to Him, and to worship Him. When an abuser attacks the believing child of the living God, he seeks to divide us from our Savior, to cause us (as Job's wife said) to curse God, give up hope, and die. In this, an abuser is ignoring that we are beloved by God, that we have been redeemed at great cost, and he openly wars against God, shaking his fist in God's face, demanding to have us, use us, consume us, and destroy us.
As an abuser attacks, insults, and controls, God sees and knows that he is stealing our liberty and our peace. God sees that his sacred commitment to love, honor, and protect us are being violated. God sees as the abuser willingly defies God as Lawgiver, seeking to become a Law unto himself.
And God sees us, His precious ones, when we suffer. God sees our abuse as it is, when our lives have become battlegrounds with real suffering and the risk of real casualties. He stands with us, and He walks with us while persecution takes its secret, underhanded forms in the most hidden places of our homes. Make no mistake. God sees His friends who love Him and trust in Him, repenting of our sins. And He also sees our abusers (especially our religious abusers) as His enemies, as enemies of the truth, and as enemies of the Gospel. He sees the heart of malevolence that craves an innocent victim and intends to cause injury.
He knows that evil gives very little advance warning, but He taught us to identify the one who is deceitful, destructive, malicious, and malevolent, and He taught us to protect ourselves and others from harm and danger. It is He who is calling us to see our condition, even when our hearts are aching with desire that which is true might not be true. It is He who is opening our eyes and calling us to reflect His image by speaking the truth. It is He who gives us the courage to say, "Thy will be done," in the unexpected, and the unwanted, when we must flee from indignity and cruelty, when we must undertake an honest and biblical mission where we can find our liberty and a safe place to stand firm before Him.
As the ones who will live with the consequences for ourselves and our children, we are the ones who are given wisdom and strength and called to action. Our pain and distress in abuse also causes us to work with God as He cleanses families, churches, and communities from evil and creates places of real peace and safety for us. It is He who was taught us that no wolf in sheep's clothing must ever be tolerated or enabled, that each must be removed from any place where he is determined to cause harm. And it is He who taught us to report criminal wolves to the police, without hesitation or pity, and to speak the whole truth about them to investigators and in court. (Leviticus 5:1)
As victims of abuse, it is easy to become entangled in a hopeless quest of trying to fix an abuser, help him, and cure him-but we could as easily raise the dead! There is only one Savior. We cannot save ourselves by our own good works, and we will never be wise or righteous enough to save our abusers. We must submit to God who is Almighty-who is more than able both to protect us from evil and to do whatever He pleases with evildoers. We must come to Him as our good father who always has another chapter for our stories and who gives us courage and strength to close and bar the door against evil.
While it's true that abuse is an opportunity to love an enemy, biblical love does not collude with an evildoer or keep him comfortable while he is on a quest to harm us, to harm others, or to destroy his own soul. Biblical love for an enemy provides what enemies require most, including accountability and justice. Biblical love avoids vengeance, seeks justice, and trusts God with every outcome, whether we are taking flight or appealing to courts for justice.
As we stand firm against evil, we can pray that God will enable us to grow in grace, to see our weaknesses and errors, and to learn what it means to love others well and truly. With abuse, it is often many years that we spend trying to support the dysfunction, hoping that we can make it better or at least make it tolerable. Our awakening is often very gradual as God teaches us to see clearly and weans us from our initial expectation, that we made our wedding vows at the beginning of healthy love and biblical marriage. In our awakening, we can continually remind ourselves that God is faithful to teach us that what we see is real, what we hear is being said, what we remember really happened, and that what we know is true.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Work of God
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
John 6:29
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent."
John 6:29
Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent."
Great peace
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 119:165
Great peace have those who love your law,
And nothing causes them to stumble.
Psalm 119:165
Great peace have those who love your law,
And nothing causes them to stumble.
Perfect peace
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
(I like the capitalized words)
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
(I like the capitalized words)
Friday, August 24, 2018
Reformation
When women and children are no longer told that we can make our abusers more righteous by trying harder, that will be REFORMATION.
That one friend
Do you guys have that one friend that doesn't think she's anything special but she's beautiful and funny and witty and everything amazing that you could ever want in a person but she doesn't want to see it and you just wanna take her and shake her and scream in her face all of the amazing things about her just so she will appreciate how absolutely lovely she is
Off the hook
From Flying Free
Once he's got the focus on you and your response, he's off the hook, and you get the unspoken message to never, EVER confront him about his behavior. You won't see him come to a place of conviction or remorse over your pain which he has caused. This is the pathology of abuse, and it destroys the very core of the target's identity and personhood.
Once he's got the focus on you and your response, he's off the hook, and you get the unspoken message to never, EVER confront him about his behavior. You won't see him come to a place of conviction or remorse over your pain which he has caused. This is the pathology of abuse, and it destroys the very core of the target's identity and personhood.
So little
Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.
Go on
K sent me this week of Hayden's anniversary
You can shed tears because they're gone,
Or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray they will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that they left for you.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them.
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday.
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that they are gone,
Or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind and feel empty,
Or you can do what they would want...
Smile. Open your heart, Love...and go on.
-Elizabeth Ammons
You can shed tears because they're gone,
Or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray they will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that they left for you.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see them.
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday.
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that they are gone,
Or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind and feel empty,
Or you can do what they would want...
Smile. Open your heart, Love...and go on.
-Elizabeth Ammons
Father's job
A father's job is not to teach his daughter how to be a lady.
It's to teach her how a lady should be treated.
It's to teach her how a lady should be treated.
Grow up too fast
From I Am A Mother To An Angel
You think seeing them grow up too fast is hard? Try not seeing them grow up at all.
You think seeing them grow up too fast is hard? Try not seeing them grow up at all.
Difference
Some talk to you in their free time,
And some free their time to talk to you.
Learn the difference.
And some free their time to talk to you.
Learn the difference.
Deliverance
From today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 116:1-2
Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.
Psalm 116:1-2
Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.
Because
I think I've seen a "girl" version of this too
Psalm 91:14
"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him."
Psalm 91:14
"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him."
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Different concept
From Flying Free
I thought I was broken and needed fixing. Not true! I was hurt and needed healing, a completely different concept!
I thought I was broken and needed fixing. Not true! I was hurt and needed healing, a completely different concept!
God of my life
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 42:8
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me-
A prayer to the God of my life.
Psalm 42:8
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me-
A prayer to the God of my life.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Not love
From Flying Free
When Christians apply law to victims and grace to perpetrators, victims suffer while perpetrators celebrate. This is not love.
When Christians apply law to victims and grace to perpetrators, victims suffer while perpetrators celebrate. This is not love.
Live without you
By M. Sosa
You kept ignoring her, each and every time she tried to reach out to you, because you thought she'd always be around. Yet, now that the tables have turned and she's no longer calling or checking up on you, you're wondering why she's no longer paying attention to you. It's simple, you taught her to live without you...and that's exactly what she's doing.
You kept ignoring her, each and every time she tried to reach out to you, because you thought she'd always be around. Yet, now that the tables have turned and she's no longer calling or checking up on you, you're wondering why she's no longer paying attention to you. It's simple, you taught her to live without you...and that's exactly what she's doing.
Emotional homicide
From Flying Free
The Toxic Love Interest or Spouse
Frequently, the emotional homicide is happening while other people go on clamoring about what a great guy or gal the abuser is and how lucky the survivor is to be connected to the abuser.
Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
The Toxic Love Interest or Spouse
Frequently, the emotional homicide is happening while other people go on clamoring about what a great guy or gal the abuser is and how lucky the survivor is to be connected to the abuser.
Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
In the end
In the end, you'll see who's fake, and who's true and who would risk it all for you.
And trust me, some people will totally surprise you.
And trust me, some people will totally surprise you.
Causes change
Everything happens for a reason and that reason causes change. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's hard. But in the end, it's all for the best. Never stop trusting GOD and His plans.
Force you
By Toby Mac
Sometimes God closes doors because it's time to move forward. He knows you won't move unless circumstances force you.
Sometimes God closes doors because it's time to move forward. He knows you won't move unless circumstances force you.
Strong women
Strong women are often perceived as cold and mean simply because they refuse to be disrespected, mistreated or taken for granted.
(Can't tell you how many times Dad called me these things)
(Can't tell you how many times Dad called me these things)
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
A difference
There's a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you. Remember that.
Purpose
By Toby Mac
Appreciate where you are in your journey, even if it is not where you want to be. He has a purpose for every season.
Appreciate where you are in your journey, even if it is not where you want to be. He has a purpose for every season.
Stay out of it
Just because you don't understand their relationship doesn't mean they have a bad one. If it works for them, then stay out of it.
Do you really think
By Rachel Hollis
Do you really think God made you - uniquely, wonderful you - and wanted you to deny your true self because it might be off-putting to others? I can't believe that's true.
Do you really think God made you - uniquely, wonderful you - and wanted you to deny your true self because it might be off-putting to others? I can't believe that's true.
Gravitate
I'm a strong believer that whoever is meant to be in your life will always gravitate back to you, no matter how far they wander.
Best feeling
Cuddling in bed and falling asleep is probably one of the best feelings in a relationship.
Leave me
I'm not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, sometimes I get really mad and upset so I need a minute to cool off but I'll never abandon you. I don't leave people. And I think that's why it always hurts so bad when people leave me.
One man's
One man's "I'm not ready" is another man's "I knew the second I saw her." -Meredith Marple
Another woman
If another woman is talking to your man then she's not the problem. He is! If he was a loyal man he wouldn't give another woman the opportunity to be around. True or false?
Shifting
As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have now become tolerable. Where you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once belittled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.
Afterthought
Note to self: None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There's no time for anything else. -Nanea Hoffman
On their own
To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you've done your job. They are not ours to keep but to teach how to soar on their own.
No reason
Made me think about the kids and their new "adventure":
When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.
When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.
One day
I hope one day you will realize that I did truly care for you. I promise you're gonna miss me being there, putting up with you, refusing to give up on you. You're gonna regret everything you've done to me, including all the damage you've caused. And someday, you'll turn back and I won't be waiting for you any longer. I might have been worthless to you, but you'll miss me, when I become priceless to another.
Run their mouth
Sometimes, God allows people to run their mouth about you so they can see they ran their mouth and still couldn't stop anything.
Believe that
Everything will happen for you all of a sudden and you'll be thankful you didn't give up. Blessings are coming. Believe that.
Reason
There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs.
More value
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Luke 12:6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Luke 12:6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Biblical divorce
Biblical divorce is not always a tragedy. The just causes of biblical divorce are ALWAYS tragedies.
Very present help
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 46:1
God the Refuge of His People and Conqueror of the Nations
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1
God the Refuge of His People and Conqueror of the Nations
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
His workmanship
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Ephesians 2:10
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
Saturday, August 11, 2018
All is not lost
This is a book that Nancy gave to me and Lisa to read. It actually addresses all kinds of loss, including divorce.
Title: All Is Not Lost-The Healing Journey Through Crisis, Grief and Loss
by C. Leslie Charles
Chapter 1: My Journey
Like every other parent who has lost a child, I never dreamed anything like this would happen to me. My kids, athletic and healthy, grew into adulthood without suffering as much as a broken bone or major illness and for this I had always felt blessed.
I found that recovering from grief is a series of conscious, deliberate choices, a daily acknowledgment that while things will never be the same, life does go on.
Chapter 2: Living With Loss
Divorce or the end of a long term relationship is a loss that brings feelings of alienation, disappointment and anger, and possibly embarrassment, guilt, or a sense of failure.
Loss slices life into two dimensions: Before and after.
Chapter 3: The Dividing Line
So it isn't just life's inevitable losses we must reckon with, but also their unexpected consequences.
Chapter 4: Why Me?
My position is that events, isolated acts, and large scale tragedies simply occur, sometimes for reasons, sometimes not.
As for our personal lives, I believe we have a responsibility to try and make sense of whatever happens to us in the best way we can; that it's our job to find the lesson, insight, and sometimes even the blessing embedded in the pain so we can incorporate it into the whole of our life as we move on.
Asking why opens a gate that may unleash a flood of remorse, frustration, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.
I am an advocate of counseling and communication or relationship maintenance classes to help couples keep from drifting apart. But if a divorce is the best option,...then there's a point where we need to put our issues to rest and move forward.
Chapter 5: You Just Never Know
Making the choice to take care of yourself is not selfish, though some may accuse you of that.
Chapter 6: Getting Through the "Firsts"
Then there's the last "first", the one year anniversary of the date your world changed.
The first year after a separation or divorce may bring similar angst. If not huge waves of emotion, you may experience periods of depression or feelings of sorrow for what couldn't be, even if you know deep in your heart that you made the right decision.
Healing is about making choices that ease discomfort; little choices and big ones. Healing means choosing to believe that you will somehow find your way through the pain, even though some days it may not feel like it. It means having faith and knowing that even though you sometimes lose ground, you're still making progress, and that at some point the hurt will subside.
Chapter 7: Setbacks and Ironies
Count who's still there
A time of loss is a time to learn about yourself.
The more firm your faith, the easier it will be to access your inner strength to help you cope, recover, and sometimes even blossom, in spite of what happens to you.
Chapter 8: Grieving 101
A man in one of my seminars told me he found little comfort in being told how happy he should feel because his son was now in heaven instead of with him.
So don't expect people will always say or do what's appropriate; sometimes it's almost the opposite.
One of the hardest parts of getting a divorce is that, if you have young children, things aren't really over. You will be exposed to your ex, even if you try to avoid him or her...Like it or not, those words from the marriage ceremony, "till death do us part" hold much significance.
Chapter 9: Healing Ritual
She had been in an oppressive relationship that had left her little room to grow. Breaking free, she felt herself opening up and blossoming like a languishing plant finally put in the light.
If you are embarking on a new chapter in your life, you could write your own declaration of independence. A divorce liberation ritual could help you focus on your new life instead of your old one.
You could write a letter to yourself, pretending to be the person who caused you pain that explains why he or she behaved that way.
Chapter 10: Getting It
Maybe we each need to pay our doctors to sit us down and look us in the eye and say, "You are going to die. Get it?" Because those words apply to every one of us. The only part we don't know is when. What a difference it makes, not knowing when.
Chapter 11: The Stockpile of Sorrow
Any significant loss can dredge up every previous hurt, mistake, or fiasco we ever had a hand in, dating back to childhood.
The end of a significant relationship can release a wash of guilt, regret, insecurity and more, in addition to anger or disappointment. Even if we know that divorce is the best option we may still be haunted by second guessing and a sense that maybe there was more we could have, or should have done. The regret we feel over the end of a marriage can unearth guilt, self-doubt, and inadequacy from other relationships we weren't able to hold together.
Of course, our feelings of letdown, hurt, and self-recrimination are magnified if the reason we're divorcing centers around a betrayal.* Regardless of how well adjusted any of us may be, we all seem t carry our own issues of abandonment and rejection, and it hurts. If this is your case, rather than focusing on the rejection and letting it erode your self-esteem, remind yourself that your partner's behavior says more about him or her than it does about you.
Remind yourself that losses which appear quite straightforward are often threaded to a complex strand of companion issues begging to be reckoned with and that's why a crisis can feel so complicated.
Chapter 12: Goodbye Can Mean Goodbye
Chapter 13: Healing Mind, Healing Body
"I can make it through this day"
One thing is clear. Your life has changed. This makes it a fitting time to explore options that lie outside of your comfort zone because, well, you're already there anyway.
...pain is a signal that something needs to be addressed.
...grief is meant to be a temporary state and that's why it's so intense.
In the case of healing from the death of a loved one, remember that you honor him or her by continuing to live as fully as possible.
The same principle applies to a...divorce. At some point you need to let go of your anger and regret, and positively direct that energy toward yourself or your children who need your attention and comfort.
Chapter 15: Other Losses
It's like our moms tried to tell us when we were neglecting our chores: go "inside" and get your work done now, so that if anything comes along that you want to do, you'll be free to do it.
Chapter 16: Life and Death in Happy Land
It's uncomfortable talking about problems but in the long run it's even more uncomfortable avoiding them.
While we often expect death to be sad, ugly, painful, undignified, and messy, it can also be peaceful, tender, intimate, inspiring, and transcendent.
Loss, grief, or crisis provide you with opportunities to honestly explore your feelings and beliefs because for a limited time, you will see things differently. The same painful experience that sets you apart from others also provides a special vantage point for viewing your existence. As you begin to heal, this keen vision will slowly disappear, so pay attention to what you observe during this period.
Chapter 17: Early Losses, Later Learning
...I and I alone was responsible for the choices I had made in my life.
Chapter 18: Anticipatory Grief
...life only travels in one direction and you can't go back.
...one positive outcome of anticipating a loss is that the strength of your emotions can inspire you to consciously appreciate and savor what you have, for as long as you have it, and that's quite an achievement in itself. (My note: reminds me of how much more I appreciated you, Hayden, after Dean Ledford died.)
Chapter 19: Anger and Acceptance
Life is exceedingly unfair.
Anger is a secondary emotion
Once you accept what life is, instead of what you think it should be, or want it to be, you'll find the place of peace you've been looking for, and more.
...you have tremendous potential for creating a life of fulfillment and much of your serenity will come from your ability to openly accept all of life's experiences, not just the ones that feel good or make you happy.
Chapter 20: Aging and Illness
...a blanket acceptance about everything that happens in life is as ineffective as a blanket rejection.
Acceptance is the ability to actively sort out the rational truths in a situation, explore your options, and respond appropriately.
Chapter 21: Disappointment and Letdown
We cannot control the behavior of those we love or force them to live the way we think they should.
Sometimes there is actually more control in letting go than there is in exercising force.
Truth be told, people are free to make their own choices and take their own risks, including our children.
Chapter 22: Give and Take
...times of heartache also bring unexpected gifts that would not happen under any other circumstances.
Our world is moving so fast these days, it's hard enough taking time for ourselves, let alone others, even those we care about. Yet if tragedy strikes, no matter how busy or overloaded we are, we find the time to deal with it.
Divorce, too, has its own give and take. One couple I know have made much better friends than they did spouses, and splitting up improved their parenting too. In the case of partners who finally decide to formally end a relationship long since over, there can come a sense of relief and release along with the sadness. After years of feeling emotionally stifled it is freeing to end the denial and rationalization that become so much a part of one's life when all is not well.
Even though my divorce happened many years ago, I remember feeling less lonely once I was on my own than I had through the last years of my marriage. Living with someone who is unable or unwilling to meet your needs feels terribly lonely and lacking. Being free of their emotional remoteness gives you room to reclaim your wholeness once you're on your own, and that's quite a gift.
When things seem so grim and hopeless there is often a glimmer of light somewhere; a promise of a better, more peaceful time. This is one small strand of comfort you can hold onto, if or when you find yourself in a cold, lonely place. Something will happen, someone will be there, and you might just be surprised how it all unfolds. Maybe there are no coincidences.
Despite our miracles of technology and high standard of living, or maybe because of them, it's easy to forget how simple life really is; that all we really want, or need, is to be loved, to feel important, and to make a difference in our own way.
When we venture close to the edge of death (our own, or accompanying someone else on their journey) we find a gift-the almost blinding clarification about what we truly want out of life. From there, it's taking the steps to make it happen.
Chapter 23: Hope and Progress
...things are different now. They're not as bad. And no, you won't forget your loved one. You are not being unfaithful. You are not cold hearted. You are simply moving on.
It's time to collect what you've discovered about yourself and life, the people around you, and especially your insights and spiritual lessons. You're on the brink of reentering your old world, but it's really a new world if you want it to be.
You have the chance to live your life with more depth, sensitivity, and conviction. Your heart and soul that felt so empty not so long ago, are beginning to fill again. You have taken enough steps in the healing journey where you can look back and view the other side of your grief. Look how far you've come. Your new life awaits you when you're ready, and right now you have no idea how far you can go.
Chapter 24: Your Own Ground Zero
When crisis occurs, we may at first be stunned with shock, denial, or incomprehension, unable to fully process the reality. But let me restate, it's during this same delicate period that our hearts and minds momentarily open, exposing that deep, private part of ourselves we may not even know exists.
Crisis opens us up, offering insight that can only be accessed in times of emergency. Like storm clouds momentarily parting in a darkened sky, we catch a quick glimpse of the light within us. Surprising thoughts converge and instantly crystallize. In this flash of enlightenment we make private promises, pledging to live more fully, love more deeply, show more appreciation, forgive our grudges, or take things less for granted.
Conscientious people tend to emerge from bad situations with a renewed commitment to live better and make things better.
Title: All Is Not Lost-The Healing Journey Through Crisis, Grief and Loss
by C. Leslie Charles
Chapter 1: My Journey
Like every other parent who has lost a child, I never dreamed anything like this would happen to me. My kids, athletic and healthy, grew into adulthood without suffering as much as a broken bone or major illness and for this I had always felt blessed.
I found that recovering from grief is a series of conscious, deliberate choices, a daily acknowledgment that while things will never be the same, life does go on.
Chapter 2: Living With Loss
Divorce or the end of a long term relationship is a loss that brings feelings of alienation, disappointment and anger, and possibly embarrassment, guilt, or a sense of failure.
Loss slices life into two dimensions: Before and after.
Chapter 3: The Dividing Line
So it isn't just life's inevitable losses we must reckon with, but also their unexpected consequences.
Chapter 4: Why Me?
My position is that events, isolated acts, and large scale tragedies simply occur, sometimes for reasons, sometimes not.
As for our personal lives, I believe we have a responsibility to try and make sense of whatever happens to us in the best way we can; that it's our job to find the lesson, insight, and sometimes even the blessing embedded in the pain so we can incorporate it into the whole of our life as we move on.
Asking why opens a gate that may unleash a flood of remorse, frustration, anger, and feelings of powerlessness.
I am an advocate of counseling and communication or relationship maintenance classes to help couples keep from drifting apart. But if a divorce is the best option,...then there's a point where we need to put our issues to rest and move forward.
Chapter 5: You Just Never Know
Making the choice to take care of yourself is not selfish, though some may accuse you of that.
Chapter 6: Getting Through the "Firsts"
Then there's the last "first", the one year anniversary of the date your world changed.
The first year after a separation or divorce may bring similar angst. If not huge waves of emotion, you may experience periods of depression or feelings of sorrow for what couldn't be, even if you know deep in your heart that you made the right decision.
Healing is about making choices that ease discomfort; little choices and big ones. Healing means choosing to believe that you will somehow find your way through the pain, even though some days it may not feel like it. It means having faith and knowing that even though you sometimes lose ground, you're still making progress, and that at some point the hurt will subside.
Chapter 7: Setbacks and Ironies
Count who's still there
A time of loss is a time to learn about yourself.
The more firm your faith, the easier it will be to access your inner strength to help you cope, recover, and sometimes even blossom, in spite of what happens to you.
Chapter 8: Grieving 101
A man in one of my seminars told me he found little comfort in being told how happy he should feel because his son was now in heaven instead of with him.
So don't expect people will always say or do what's appropriate; sometimes it's almost the opposite.
One of the hardest parts of getting a divorce is that, if you have young children, things aren't really over. You will be exposed to your ex, even if you try to avoid him or her...Like it or not, those words from the marriage ceremony, "till death do us part" hold much significance.
Chapter 9: Healing Ritual
She had been in an oppressive relationship that had left her little room to grow. Breaking free, she felt herself opening up and blossoming like a languishing plant finally put in the light.
If you are embarking on a new chapter in your life, you could write your own declaration of independence. A divorce liberation ritual could help you focus on your new life instead of your old one.
You could write a letter to yourself, pretending to be the person who caused you pain that explains why he or she behaved that way.
Chapter 10: Getting It
Maybe we each need to pay our doctors to sit us down and look us in the eye and say, "You are going to die. Get it?" Because those words apply to every one of us. The only part we don't know is when. What a difference it makes, not knowing when.
Chapter 11: The Stockpile of Sorrow
Any significant loss can dredge up every previous hurt, mistake, or fiasco we ever had a hand in, dating back to childhood.
The end of a significant relationship can release a wash of guilt, regret, insecurity and more, in addition to anger or disappointment. Even if we know that divorce is the best option we may still be haunted by second guessing and a sense that maybe there was more we could have, or should have done. The regret we feel over the end of a marriage can unearth guilt, self-doubt, and inadequacy from other relationships we weren't able to hold together.
Of course, our feelings of letdown, hurt, and self-recrimination are magnified if the reason we're divorcing centers around a betrayal.* Regardless of how well adjusted any of us may be, we all seem t carry our own issues of abandonment and rejection, and it hurts. If this is your case, rather than focusing on the rejection and letting it erode your self-esteem, remind yourself that your partner's behavior says more about him or her than it does about you.
Remind yourself that losses which appear quite straightforward are often threaded to a complex strand of companion issues begging to be reckoned with and that's why a crisis can feel so complicated.
Chapter 12: Goodbye Can Mean Goodbye
Chapter 13: Healing Mind, Healing Body
"I can make it through this day"
One thing is clear. Your life has changed. This makes it a fitting time to explore options that lie outside of your comfort zone because, well, you're already there anyway.
...pain is a signal that something needs to be addressed.
...grief is meant to be a temporary state and that's why it's so intense.
In the case of healing from the death of a loved one, remember that you honor him or her by continuing to live as fully as possible.
The same principle applies to a...divorce. At some point you need to let go of your anger and regret, and positively direct that energy toward yourself or your children who need your attention and comfort.
Chapter 15: Other Losses
It's like our moms tried to tell us when we were neglecting our chores: go "inside" and get your work done now, so that if anything comes along that you want to do, you'll be free to do it.
Chapter 16: Life and Death in Happy Land
It's uncomfortable talking about problems but in the long run it's even more uncomfortable avoiding them.
While we often expect death to be sad, ugly, painful, undignified, and messy, it can also be peaceful, tender, intimate, inspiring, and transcendent.
Loss, grief, or crisis provide you with opportunities to honestly explore your feelings and beliefs because for a limited time, you will see things differently. The same painful experience that sets you apart from others also provides a special vantage point for viewing your existence. As you begin to heal, this keen vision will slowly disappear, so pay attention to what you observe during this period.
Chapter 17: Early Losses, Later Learning
...I and I alone was responsible for the choices I had made in my life.
Chapter 18: Anticipatory Grief
...life only travels in one direction and you can't go back.
...one positive outcome of anticipating a loss is that the strength of your emotions can inspire you to consciously appreciate and savor what you have, for as long as you have it, and that's quite an achievement in itself. (My note: reminds me of how much more I appreciated you, Hayden, after Dean Ledford died.)
Chapter 19: Anger and Acceptance
Life is exceedingly unfair.
Anger is a secondary emotion
Once you accept what life is, instead of what you think it should be, or want it to be, you'll find the place of peace you've been looking for, and more.
...you have tremendous potential for creating a life of fulfillment and much of your serenity will come from your ability to openly accept all of life's experiences, not just the ones that feel good or make you happy.
Chapter 20: Aging and Illness
...a blanket acceptance about everything that happens in life is as ineffective as a blanket rejection.
Acceptance is the ability to actively sort out the rational truths in a situation, explore your options, and respond appropriately.
Chapter 21: Disappointment and Letdown
We cannot control the behavior of those we love or force them to live the way we think they should.
Sometimes there is actually more control in letting go than there is in exercising force.
Truth be told, people are free to make their own choices and take their own risks, including our children.
Chapter 22: Give and Take
...times of heartache also bring unexpected gifts that would not happen under any other circumstances.
Our world is moving so fast these days, it's hard enough taking time for ourselves, let alone others, even those we care about. Yet if tragedy strikes, no matter how busy or overloaded we are, we find the time to deal with it.
Divorce, too, has its own give and take. One couple I know have made much better friends than they did spouses, and splitting up improved their parenting too. In the case of partners who finally decide to formally end a relationship long since over, there can come a sense of relief and release along with the sadness. After years of feeling emotionally stifled it is freeing to end the denial and rationalization that become so much a part of one's life when all is not well.
Even though my divorce happened many years ago, I remember feeling less lonely once I was on my own than I had through the last years of my marriage. Living with someone who is unable or unwilling to meet your needs feels terribly lonely and lacking. Being free of their emotional remoteness gives you room to reclaim your wholeness once you're on your own, and that's quite a gift.
When things seem so grim and hopeless there is often a glimmer of light somewhere; a promise of a better, more peaceful time. This is one small strand of comfort you can hold onto, if or when you find yourself in a cold, lonely place. Something will happen, someone will be there, and you might just be surprised how it all unfolds. Maybe there are no coincidences.
Despite our miracles of technology and high standard of living, or maybe because of them, it's easy to forget how simple life really is; that all we really want, or need, is to be loved, to feel important, and to make a difference in our own way.
When we venture close to the edge of death (our own, or accompanying someone else on their journey) we find a gift-the almost blinding clarification about what we truly want out of life. From there, it's taking the steps to make it happen.
Chapter 23: Hope and Progress
...things are different now. They're not as bad. And no, you won't forget your loved one. You are not being unfaithful. You are not cold hearted. You are simply moving on.
It's time to collect what you've discovered about yourself and life, the people around you, and especially your insights and spiritual lessons. You're on the brink of reentering your old world, but it's really a new world if you want it to be.
You have the chance to live your life with more depth, sensitivity, and conviction. Your heart and soul that felt so empty not so long ago, are beginning to fill again. You have taken enough steps in the healing journey where you can look back and view the other side of your grief. Look how far you've come. Your new life awaits you when you're ready, and right now you have no idea how far you can go.
Chapter 24: Your Own Ground Zero
When crisis occurs, we may at first be stunned with shock, denial, or incomprehension, unable to fully process the reality. But let me restate, it's during this same delicate period that our hearts and minds momentarily open, exposing that deep, private part of ourselves we may not even know exists.
Crisis opens us up, offering insight that can only be accessed in times of emergency. Like storm clouds momentarily parting in a darkened sky, we catch a quick glimpse of the light within us. Surprising thoughts converge and instantly crystallize. In this flash of enlightenment we make private promises, pledging to live more fully, love more deeply, show more appreciation, forgive our grudges, or take things less for granted.
Conscientious people tend to emerge from bad situations with a renewed commitment to live better and make things better.
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Nothing hurts more
Nothing hurts more than watching someone important to you not care at all about you.
How much time
From Flying Free FB post
How much time do you spend thinking about the narcissist? For some people, it's all about jealousy and revenge, for others, it's remembering what seemed like good times before they realized they were dealing with a narc. It's hard to let go even when we've been hurt.
Our lives became entangled with a toxic person-either through birth or dating or marriage and part of that poison is the struggle to get them out of our minds. We've been told that we are to love our mothers and romantic love is supposed to last forever, so what can we do when loving them is hurting us?
The truth we must embrace to move on is that whatever we thought we had with the narcissist, it wasn't real. Sure it felt real, but it was just a fantasy. They created a persona that we embraced-until we woke up from a slap in the face.
This is where self talk is very important. If you keep saying I wish I'd never found out the truth, you are betraying yourself. If you keep asking what is wrong with me? You are asking the wrong question-you should be asking what is wrong with the narcissist?
As long as you look back and pine away for what might have been, you are buying into the narc's lies. It's much better to say this is what SHOULD have been, except this narcissist was incapable of a real relationship and love, so thank you, God or the Universe for setting me free!
Once people leave a prison camp, no one looks back with fondness, they get the hell out of there and never fantasize how good it might have been. Spotting the fake, recognizing the lies and moving on to truth and reclaiming your power is your ticket to a new and better life. Hang on for the ride!
How much time do you spend thinking about the narcissist? For some people, it's all about jealousy and revenge, for others, it's remembering what seemed like good times before they realized they were dealing with a narc. It's hard to let go even when we've been hurt.
Our lives became entangled with a toxic person-either through birth or dating or marriage and part of that poison is the struggle to get them out of our minds. We've been told that we are to love our mothers and romantic love is supposed to last forever, so what can we do when loving them is hurting us?
The truth we must embrace to move on is that whatever we thought we had with the narcissist, it wasn't real. Sure it felt real, but it was just a fantasy. They created a persona that we embraced-until we woke up from a slap in the face.
This is where self talk is very important. If you keep saying I wish I'd never found out the truth, you are betraying yourself. If you keep asking what is wrong with me? You are asking the wrong question-you should be asking what is wrong with the narcissist?
As long as you look back and pine away for what might have been, you are buying into the narc's lies. It's much better to say this is what SHOULD have been, except this narcissist was incapable of a real relationship and love, so thank you, God or the Universe for setting me free!
Once people leave a prison camp, no one looks back with fondness, they get the hell out of there and never fantasize how good it might have been. Spotting the fake, recognizing the lies and moving on to truth and reclaiming your power is your ticket to a new and better life. Hang on for the ride!
Blasphemy
From a message from Flying Free
Blasphemy is lying about God. If God is good, it is blasphemy to say He is wicked. If God is holy, it is blasphemy to say He is impure. Likewise, when the enemy takes something God created and twists it into an ugly picture of neglect, control, and abuse, and then says, "this is what God wants," that's a blasphemy toward God. It's like spitting in God's face before the entire human race. No wonder unbelievers want nothing to do with this image of God and undermine the gospel in the world. That's how serious this is.
Blasphemy is lying about God. If God is good, it is blasphemy to say He is wicked. If God is holy, it is blasphemy to say He is impure. Likewise, when the enemy takes something God created and twists it into an ugly picture of neglect, control, and abuse, and then says, "this is what God wants," that's a blasphemy toward God. It's like spitting in God's face before the entire human race. No wonder unbelievers want nothing to do with this image of God and undermine the gospel in the world. That's how serious this is.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Revile
My Only Comfort
"Christians" who revile
(not sure of author)
In preparing for Sunday's sermon, I have been meditating on this verse:
But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with an so-called brother if he should be an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler-not even to eat with such a one. (1 Corinthians 5:11)
It seems so clear to me, but the implications are profound. There are those who go about calling themselves Christians. And yet their lives are so marked with sexual immorality, greed, love of money, and hatred.
One word in particular strikes me - a reviler. A reviler is one who is deliberately abusive in their speech. A reviler is one who uses speech to vomit out their anger, to tear down and destroy, and to belittle and condemn. A reviler doesn't leave physical bruises, but seeks to silence and degrade the image of God in their target.
The church at Corinth was being rebuked by the Apostle for being too proud to remove the corrupt laws.
So here is my question: How can we refuse to allow divorce from a reviler (or any other crimes on this list), when the scripture forbids us from even eating with a so-called brother who is a reviler?
Doesn't this involve us in hopeless contradiction? If the trumpet blows an uncertain sound, who will prepare for battle?
So, for all who think that if there aren't bruises there can't be divorce, answer me this. What are you wanting to happen? A man systematically tears down his wife for years with his words. He doesn't use fists, for he is skilled at destructive speech. He comes to church every Sunday and professes Christ. According to this text, he is a reviler, who calls himself a brother. So, what does this passage say? "Don't even eat with this guy. He will corrupt the whole church."
But then you force his wife and children to live with him. "He didn't leave any bruises. You aren't really in danger. You have no grounds for divorce."
Can you explain this to me? I'm trying to understand, and coming up empty.
Are you willing to excommunicate the victim for obeying the command of the Lord in this passage? Or is it your contention that she should still continue the intimacy of marriage, but perhaps eat separately? I'm having a hard time understanding this position.
Perhaps this is why the church today has become so corrupted. We have been tolerating corrupt leaven. I say it is time we stop, and start obeying the Lord. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can't be both. In fact, according to this text, a reviler who calls himself a brother is far, far worse than an outright believer. A reviler who is allowed to call himself a brother will corrupt the whole church. That is not me saying that. That's God Himself.
"Christians" who revile
(not sure of author)
In preparing for Sunday's sermon, I have been meditating on this verse:
But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with an so-called brother if he should be an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler-not even to eat with such a one. (1 Corinthians 5:11)
It seems so clear to me, but the implications are profound. There are those who go about calling themselves Christians. And yet their lives are so marked with sexual immorality, greed, love of money, and hatred.
One word in particular strikes me - a reviler. A reviler is one who is deliberately abusive in their speech. A reviler is one who uses speech to vomit out their anger, to tear down and destroy, and to belittle and condemn. A reviler doesn't leave physical bruises, but seeks to silence and degrade the image of God in their target.
The church at Corinth was being rebuked by the Apostle for being too proud to remove the corrupt laws.
So here is my question: How can we refuse to allow divorce from a reviler (or any other crimes on this list), when the scripture forbids us from even eating with a so-called brother who is a reviler?
Doesn't this involve us in hopeless contradiction? If the trumpet blows an uncertain sound, who will prepare for battle?
So, for all who think that if there aren't bruises there can't be divorce, answer me this. What are you wanting to happen? A man systematically tears down his wife for years with his words. He doesn't use fists, for he is skilled at destructive speech. He comes to church every Sunday and professes Christ. According to this text, he is a reviler, who calls himself a brother. So, what does this passage say? "Don't even eat with this guy. He will corrupt the whole church."
But then you force his wife and children to live with him. "He didn't leave any bruises. You aren't really in danger. You have no grounds for divorce."
Can you explain this to me? I'm trying to understand, and coming up empty.
Are you willing to excommunicate the victim for obeying the command of the Lord in this passage? Or is it your contention that she should still continue the intimacy of marriage, but perhaps eat separately? I'm having a hard time understanding this position.
Perhaps this is why the church today has become so corrupted. We have been tolerating corrupt leaven. I say it is time we stop, and start obeying the Lord. You can be a reviler, or you can be a Christian. You can't be both. In fact, according to this text, a reviler who calls himself a brother is far, far worse than an outright believer. A reviler who is allowed to call himself a brother will corrupt the whole church. That is not me saying that. That's God Himself.
The ocean's boundaries
By Nikita Gill, People Survive in Different Ways
Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgment. So the next time you look at someone's life covetously, remember...you may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the ocean's boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.
Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgment. So the next time you look at someone's life covetously, remember...you may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the ocean's boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.
Can't live without
From The Selection
I hope you find someone you can't live without. I really do. And I hope you never have to know what it's like to try and live without them.
I hope you find someone you can't live without. I really do. And I hope you never have to know what it's like to try and live without them.
Worst pain
Some say it's painful to wait for someone. Some say it's painful to forget someone. But the worst pain comes when you don't know whether to wait or forget.
A man's belief
From Flying Free by Natalie Hoffman
A man's belief that he has the right to control you comes from many places, including his own upbringing, experiences, attitudes towards women, and theology. The fact that his theology supports a power and control model of male/female relationships gives him even greater power because he claims to have the approval of God, and who can argue with God?
A man's belief that he has the right to control you comes from many places, including his own upbringing, experiences, attitudes towards women, and theology. The fact that his theology supports a power and control model of male/female relationships gives him even greater power because he claims to have the approval of God, and who can argue with God?
Standing on a line
She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take.
Normally
From Flying Free FB page
Normally when you tell a partner that something is upsetting you, they work on doing less of it. But with a sociopath or narcissist, they'll start doing more of it. Sociopaths learn what makes you "tick" and then experiment with how much they can get away with doing it.
You'll think you're dealing with the most emotionally dense human being on the planet. How can someone possibly do the same hurtful thing a day after you had a long discussion about how it hurts your feelings?
Right. That's not dense, it's intentional.
The more they do it, the more you react and start to doubt your own sanity. When you react, they'll typically punish you with silence so you learn to blame yourself. They will often worsen this anxiety by triangulating you with other people, so you know you're replaceable if you don't clean up your act.
Normally when you tell a partner that something is upsetting you, they work on doing less of it. But with a sociopath or narcissist, they'll start doing more of it. Sociopaths learn what makes you "tick" and then experiment with how much they can get away with doing it.
You'll think you're dealing with the most emotionally dense human being on the planet. How can someone possibly do the same hurtful thing a day after you had a long discussion about how it hurts your feelings?
Right. That's not dense, it's intentional.
The more they do it, the more you react and start to doubt your own sanity. When you react, they'll typically punish you with silence so you learn to blame yourself. They will often worsen this anxiety by triangulating you with other people, so you know you're replaceable if you don't clean up your act.
Self-care
A survivor who practices self-care is a threat to a psychological abuser. Through caring for themselves, a survivor might gain enough inner-strength to set boundaries and refuse to live in fear.
By Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse
By Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse
Independent females
Independent females are so undervalued...she doesn't even need you, she just wants you. She is going to do her thing with or without you and that's a queen.
Beautiful mind
A woman with a beautiful body is good for a night, but a woman with a beautiful mind is good for a lifetime.
No love
From Zig Ziglar
Grief is the recognition that you've lost someone you love. It's the price you pay for loving someone, because if there were no love, there'd be no grief.
(My note: That's the "problem", my sweet boy. There was, and still is, so much love! Love you!)
Grief is the recognition that you've lost someone you love. It's the price you pay for loving someone, because if there were no love, there'd be no grief.
(My note: That's the "problem", my sweet boy. There was, and still is, so much love! Love you!)
Attacks
From Lisa Bevere
I believe that the attacks on your life have much more to do with who you might be in the future than who you have been in the past.
I believe that the attacks on your life have much more to do with who you might be in the future than who you have been in the past.
Now and then
From Flying Free FB page
Now and then I talk to abuse victims who decided to stay despite active and unrepentant abuse, instead of leaving or setting healthy boundaries. Maybe the abusive party said "sorry" and cried. Maybe they tried really hard to "be nice" for an extended period of time. Sometimes, usually if their abuser's cycle is currently in an upswing and things seem to be "on the mend", I hear them talk about how their staying has "saved" the other person, believing that this absence of consequential boundaries will ultimately save another person from sin.
It sounds tragically romantic in a film script..."Self-sacrificing spouse submitted quietly amid patterns of abuse/adultery/appalling behaviors for X number of decades, and then magically everything changes."
Except that's not biblical, it's self-aggrandizing. And in real life, it just means the victim lives with a lifetime of being beaten, torn down, assaulted by words or fists or both.
That's not allowing God to transform a rebellious and abusive heart, it's standing as a buffer between the spouse and their consequences.
That's not encouraging gospel transformation, it's preventing the abuser's ultimate dependence on God. That's not living in wholeness, it's modeling an apathetic acceptance of dysfunction and raising children to expect abuse as "normal."
That's not how God defines loving others well. And it isn't the scriptural formula for inspiring abusers to embrace humble change.
Now and then I talk to abuse victims who decided to stay despite active and unrepentant abuse, instead of leaving or setting healthy boundaries. Maybe the abusive party said "sorry" and cried. Maybe they tried really hard to "be nice" for an extended period of time. Sometimes, usually if their abuser's cycle is currently in an upswing and things seem to be "on the mend", I hear them talk about how their staying has "saved" the other person, believing that this absence of consequential boundaries will ultimately save another person from sin.
It sounds tragically romantic in a film script..."Self-sacrificing spouse submitted quietly amid patterns of abuse/adultery/appalling behaviors for X number of decades, and then magically everything changes."
Except that's not biblical, it's self-aggrandizing. And in real life, it just means the victim lives with a lifetime of being beaten, torn down, assaulted by words or fists or both.
That's not allowing God to transform a rebellious and abusive heart, it's standing as a buffer between the spouse and their consequences.
That's not encouraging gospel transformation, it's preventing the abuser's ultimate dependence on God. That's not living in wholeness, it's modeling an apathetic acceptance of dysfunction and raising children to expect abuse as "normal."
That's not how God defines loving others well. And it isn't the scriptural formula for inspiring abusers to embrace humble change.
Selfish
From a book about loss I am reading-all kinds of loss. I will be re-reading it soon and recording notes. This is a good reminder.
The only time people call you selfish is when you aren't doing what they want you to do.
The only time people call you selfish is when you aren't doing what they want you to do.
Monday, August 6, 2018
The race of faith
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Hebrews 12:1
The Race of Faith
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.
Hebrews 12:1
The Race of Faith
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.
By faith
From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Hebrews 11:1
By Faith We Understand
Now faith is the abundance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
By Faith We Understand
Now faith is the abundance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Saturday, August 4, 2018
A high view
A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce
by Barry York
Guest post by Rebecca VanDoodewaard
God hates divorce, doesn't he? Absolutely. Isn't the gospel about forgiveness and love? Yes, it is. And pastors and elders can use these two truths in isolation from the rest of Scripture and biblical principles to deny people divorce for biblical grounds. "But marriage is a precious thing,"one pastor told a woman whose husband was in prison for pedophilia. "It would be a wonderful picture of God's grace to move on from this and focus on your marriage," another one told the husband of an adultress. "We're working with him; he's really struggling, and so you need to forgive him," a session tells a woman whose husband has been using pornography for years.
Evangelical and confessional churches are striving to maintain a high view of marriage in a culture that is ripping the institution to shreds. So extra-biblical barriers to divorce can be well-meant. They try to protect marriage by doing everything possible to avoid divorce. In doing so, they not only fail to keep a high view of marriage. They also spread lies about the gospel, divorce, the value of people, the character of God, and the nature of sexual sin.
The first lie is that forgiveness means that the offended party is bound to continue living with the guilty party once there's an apology. Wives in particular are told that God requires that they forgive a repentant spouse,which is true, and that this means that they need to stay in the marriage, which is not true. It's like saying to parents who discover that the babysitter molested their children, "Oh, but the sitter said sorry. It would be unloving to not ask them to watch the kids again. You need to demonstrate your forgiveness." The argument is that Jesus forgave you and took you in: why can't you do the same for your spouse? Because I am not God: I am human, too, and can't atone for my spouse's sin in a way that can restore an earthly marriage.
Sacrificing a person to save a relationship is not the gospel. The gospel is that Someone was sacrificed to free us from sin and bring us to God. We cannot always bear the relational punishment for someone else's sin. We can forgive them, and will if we are a Christian, but that doesn't mean we have to live with them. You can forgive someone and divorce them. Scripture commands forgiveness where there is repentance, but it never requires that a relationship be continued in the way that it was before covenant was shattered. This lie of "forgiveness" places the burden on the innocent party. The sinner gets counsel, support, help, and prayer, while the sinned-against gets pressure, guilt, and a crushing future. Acceptance is often labelled the "Christian" thing to do. Since Christ gave divorce as an option in some circumstances, divorce can be the Christian thing to do, too. Forgiveness is always the Christian thing to do, and it simply means that the guilty party is forgiven, not absolved from all earthly consequences.
The second lie is implied: God hates divorce more than He hates abuse and sexual sin. To put the lie in a different way, God loves marriage more than He loves the women in it. While God created marriage, loves marriage, and says that the Church is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church, Jesus didn't die to save marriage. He died to save people. He sacrificed His life to protect His sons and daughter, and hates when they're abused, violated, and humiliated, particularly in a relationship that is supposed to picture Christ and the church.
This fact is especially true for women, who suffer at the hands of men whose actions mock servant leadership and so blaspheme the name of the Christ whom they are called to represent. Denying a woman legitimate divorce allows an unrepentant man to continue in this abuse and blasphemy. If we want to value and treat marriage rightly, we need to think about Jesus! His care for His church is not an abstract idea. We see it lived out in the gospels every day in purity, tender care for widows, and intolerance of the Pharisees who thought they could be right with God while checking out beautiful women at the market. Christ's love for His church found very concrete expression on the cross--willingness to die to save His beloved people. Yes, God hates divorce. And there are some things that He hates even more.
The third is that divorce is an unclean thing, often the fault of the innocent party. This is a misunderstanding of divorce. Divorce is not the innocent party ending the marriage. Divorce is the innocent party obtaining legal recognition that the guilty party has destroyed the marriage. So often, we see the divorcing person as the one who ends the marriage--they are not! Where there has been sexual unfaithfulness, abuse, or abandonment, it is the guilty party who ended it by breaking covenant. While legitimate divorce is not mandatory, it is a biblical option, on moral par with maintaining the marriage. The 1992 report by the PCA study committee on divorce and remarriage comments:
It is also interesting to recall in this connection Jeremiah 3:8, where Yahweh is said to divorce Israel for her spiritual adultery (idolatry):--"I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries." If God himself can properly divorce his bride because of adultery, then, given Christ's unqualified adherence to the authority of the Old Testament, it seems difficult to conclude that Jesus would not have had similar words on his own lips.
The church needs to be clear about this: legitimate divorce is holy and biblical if God Himself can speak of initiating it. And it is initiated to publicly recognize the destruction already there. Divorce does not end a covenant. It protects the spouse whose covenant has been violated--a picture of covenant protection in the face of human unfaithfulness. Always discouraging divorce, always making it a last, desperate option that really fails to show gospel power, implies that we know more about marriage than God does and value it more highly. If there are legitimate reasons for divorce, then making divorce look like a lesser option is wrong. God allows it: who are we to discourage people from choosing a biblical option?
The fourth lie is usually involved in this discussion about pornography. It is often classified as not technically adultery, so spouses are denied the biblical right to divorce. This is mind boggling. Someone who seeks out sexually explicit material and has a physical response to it is in the same mental, physical, and spiritual condition as someone in bed with a coworker. The difference is that the relationship with the coworker is at least private and limited, while porn use accepts and subsidizes an entire industry of sexual sin that is maintained by abuse and slavery, involved hundreds of people, and is tracked by the producing companies and internet servers. Deliberate and repeated porn use is at least adultery, regardless of whether there is repentance at some point. Denying this makes people ask why some pastors are so committed to denying what porn really is. Our pre-technology definition of adultery allows souls and marriages to be ravaged from the inside out because we fail to admit what a porn habit really is. We look away from the institutionalized rape that it subsidizes. Countenancing sexual sin for any reason reveals a poor understanding of sexual sin as well as the gospel.
Do you see how these lies, sometimes borne out of a desire to protect marriage, actually bring about a low view of marriage? By granting, supporting, and even facilitating a biblical divorce, we take a stand to say that we can forgive without being forced to live with people who have shattered us. This protects marriage by allowing the innocent party to leave a relationship that has been broken. By backing biblical divorce, we protect women whom God loves, showing Christ's love when spouses have not. This protects marriage by refusing to allow sinners to abuse the institution with impunity. By publicly stating that sexual sin and abuse, not wounded spouses, end marriages, we hold the marriage bed in honor. This protects marriage by creating a holy fear of violating it. By offering biblical divorce, the church affirms that pornography is depravity, and will not be countenanced by Christ's church. Naming and disciplining sexual sin as the evil it is and offering divorce to the innocent party makes the value of marriage clear as we refuse to see it damaged, abused, or treated lightly.
Developing and maintaining a high view of marriage does a lot. It protects women and children, often the people most hurt by sexual sin. It keeps us from falling into sin ourselves: the higher our view of marriage, the less likely we will be to dabble in something so devastating. And a high view of marriage honors the One who created it for our good and His glory-the One who promises to judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.
by Barry York
Guest post by Rebecca VanDoodewaard
God hates divorce, doesn't he? Absolutely. Isn't the gospel about forgiveness and love? Yes, it is. And pastors and elders can use these two truths in isolation from the rest of Scripture and biblical principles to deny people divorce for biblical grounds. "But marriage is a precious thing,"one pastor told a woman whose husband was in prison for pedophilia. "It would be a wonderful picture of God's grace to move on from this and focus on your marriage," another one told the husband of an adultress. "We're working with him; he's really struggling, and so you need to forgive him," a session tells a woman whose husband has been using pornography for years.
Evangelical and confessional churches are striving to maintain a high view of marriage in a culture that is ripping the institution to shreds. So extra-biblical barriers to divorce can be well-meant. They try to protect marriage by doing everything possible to avoid divorce. In doing so, they not only fail to keep a high view of marriage. They also spread lies about the gospel, divorce, the value of people, the character of God, and the nature of sexual sin.
The first lie is that forgiveness means that the offended party is bound to continue living with the guilty party once there's an apology. Wives in particular are told that God requires that they forgive a repentant spouse,which is true, and that this means that they need to stay in the marriage, which is not true. It's like saying to parents who discover that the babysitter molested their children, "Oh, but the sitter said sorry. It would be unloving to not ask them to watch the kids again. You need to demonstrate your forgiveness." The argument is that Jesus forgave you and took you in: why can't you do the same for your spouse? Because I am not God: I am human, too, and can't atone for my spouse's sin in a way that can restore an earthly marriage.
Sacrificing a person to save a relationship is not the gospel. The gospel is that Someone was sacrificed to free us from sin and bring us to God. We cannot always bear the relational punishment for someone else's sin. We can forgive them, and will if we are a Christian, but that doesn't mean we have to live with them. You can forgive someone and divorce them. Scripture commands forgiveness where there is repentance, but it never requires that a relationship be continued in the way that it was before covenant was shattered. This lie of "forgiveness" places the burden on the innocent party. The sinner gets counsel, support, help, and prayer, while the sinned-against gets pressure, guilt, and a crushing future. Acceptance is often labelled the "Christian" thing to do. Since Christ gave divorce as an option in some circumstances, divorce can be the Christian thing to do, too. Forgiveness is always the Christian thing to do, and it simply means that the guilty party is forgiven, not absolved from all earthly consequences.
The second lie is implied: God hates divorce more than He hates abuse and sexual sin. To put the lie in a different way, God loves marriage more than He loves the women in it. While God created marriage, loves marriage, and says that the Church is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church, Jesus didn't die to save marriage. He died to save people. He sacrificed His life to protect His sons and daughter, and hates when they're abused, violated, and humiliated, particularly in a relationship that is supposed to picture Christ and the church.
This fact is especially true for women, who suffer at the hands of men whose actions mock servant leadership and so blaspheme the name of the Christ whom they are called to represent. Denying a woman legitimate divorce allows an unrepentant man to continue in this abuse and blasphemy. If we want to value and treat marriage rightly, we need to think about Jesus! His care for His church is not an abstract idea. We see it lived out in the gospels every day in purity, tender care for widows, and intolerance of the Pharisees who thought they could be right with God while checking out beautiful women at the market. Christ's love for His church found very concrete expression on the cross--willingness to die to save His beloved people. Yes, God hates divorce. And there are some things that He hates even more.
The third is that divorce is an unclean thing, often the fault of the innocent party. This is a misunderstanding of divorce. Divorce is not the innocent party ending the marriage. Divorce is the innocent party obtaining legal recognition that the guilty party has destroyed the marriage. So often, we see the divorcing person as the one who ends the marriage--they are not! Where there has been sexual unfaithfulness, abuse, or abandonment, it is the guilty party who ended it by breaking covenant. While legitimate divorce is not mandatory, it is a biblical option, on moral par with maintaining the marriage. The 1992 report by the PCA study committee on divorce and remarriage comments:
It is also interesting to recall in this connection Jeremiah 3:8, where Yahweh is said to divorce Israel for her spiritual adultery (idolatry):--"I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries." If God himself can properly divorce his bride because of adultery, then, given Christ's unqualified adherence to the authority of the Old Testament, it seems difficult to conclude that Jesus would not have had similar words on his own lips.
The church needs to be clear about this: legitimate divorce is holy and biblical if God Himself can speak of initiating it. And it is initiated to publicly recognize the destruction already there. Divorce does not end a covenant. It protects the spouse whose covenant has been violated--a picture of covenant protection in the face of human unfaithfulness. Always discouraging divorce, always making it a last, desperate option that really fails to show gospel power, implies that we know more about marriage than God does and value it more highly. If there are legitimate reasons for divorce, then making divorce look like a lesser option is wrong. God allows it: who are we to discourage people from choosing a biblical option?
The fourth lie is usually involved in this discussion about pornography. It is often classified as not technically adultery, so spouses are denied the biblical right to divorce. This is mind boggling. Someone who seeks out sexually explicit material and has a physical response to it is in the same mental, physical, and spiritual condition as someone in bed with a coworker. The difference is that the relationship with the coworker is at least private and limited, while porn use accepts and subsidizes an entire industry of sexual sin that is maintained by abuse and slavery, involved hundreds of people, and is tracked by the producing companies and internet servers. Deliberate and repeated porn use is at least adultery, regardless of whether there is repentance at some point. Denying this makes people ask why some pastors are so committed to denying what porn really is. Our pre-technology definition of adultery allows souls and marriages to be ravaged from the inside out because we fail to admit what a porn habit really is. We look away from the institutionalized rape that it subsidizes. Countenancing sexual sin for any reason reveals a poor understanding of sexual sin as well as the gospel.
Do you see how these lies, sometimes borne out of a desire to protect marriage, actually bring about a low view of marriage? By granting, supporting, and even facilitating a biblical divorce, we take a stand to say that we can forgive without being forced to live with people who have shattered us. This protects marriage by allowing the innocent party to leave a relationship that has been broken. By backing biblical divorce, we protect women whom God loves, showing Christ's love when spouses have not. This protects marriage by refusing to allow sinners to abuse the institution with impunity. By publicly stating that sexual sin and abuse, not wounded spouses, end marriages, we hold the marriage bed in honor. This protects marriage by creating a holy fear of violating it. By offering biblical divorce, the church affirms that pornography is depravity, and will not be countenanced by Christ's church. Naming and disciplining sexual sin as the evil it is and offering divorce to the innocent party makes the value of marriage clear as we refuse to see it damaged, abused, or treated lightly.
Developing and maintaining a high view of marriage does a lot. It protects women and children, often the people most hurt by sexual sin. It keeps us from falling into sin ourselves: the higher our view of marriage, the less likely we will be to dabble in something so devastating. And a high view of marriage honors the One who created it for our good and His glory-the One who promises to judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.
Friday, August 3, 2018
Both to blame?
From Flying Free
And...This is Why Abuse Flourishes. Can We Provoke Someone to Abuse?
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
When there's abuse in marriage, are both parties to blame? Or is it just the abuser to blame?
I honestly wish I didn't have to ask that question, but last week a commenter left this on my post about emotionally destructive marriages:
I believe almost ALL issues in a marriage are created by both. The pastor could have used some more tactful words, but ultimately, he had a point: if one person is having an affair, it may be a sign of underlying issues both partners have to work on, such as creating more intimacy and communication. I also read how your wife did not accept any compliments, etc. I know how so many women sabotage the efforts of their husbands and in the end it spirals out of control. Sometimes causing the man to be abusive and then all the fingers are pointing to him. I think it is RARE that an abusive husband is abusive in isolation. If the woman constantly rejects him, criticizes or (subtly) controls his every move, then I would get angry, too! So I think marriage issues are often a mirror for what is going on with each individual. I cannot stand it when ONE of the two is fully blamed. It is rarely so.
This really ticked me off, and when I shared it on social media, it ticked off pretty much everyone there, too.
But I do think that this attitude is still a prevalent one in Christian circles, and so I'd like to take today and totally debunk it.
Can You "Provoke" Someone into Abusing You? Why you are never to blame for abuse.
Being abusive is very different from getting angry occasionally
Many people have short tempers, and that is very wrong. But abuse is in another category. Abusive people are trying to control others. They want others to do what they say, and they feel angry when someone goes against them.
Thus, the only way to pacify an abusive person is to not have any original thoughts and no do anything that you want to do. In other words, you have to cease being you.
If you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting someone off, then the problem is not the one day you cracked an egg. The problem is that the person is trying to control you. That is wrong. There is no excuse for that. And no amount of mollifying the person can change that.
An abusive person revels in the abuse itself
Even if someone does endeavor to empty themselves of any original thought, and does walk on eggshells to avoid provoking the abusive person, the abuser will often look for the tiniest infraction in order to have an "excuse"to blow up. An abusive person feels strong and powerful when he (or she) is able to hurt another. When they are feeling insecure in other areas of their lives, they will look for an excuse to overpower their spouse in order to feel in control again. Or they may simply be narcissists and may revel in the power itself, for no reason other than their evil narcissism.
The impetus for the abuse, you see, does not lie in the actions of the person being abused. It lies in the distorted sense of self that the abuser has. If the spouse was perfectly compliant, they would still be abused, because the abuser needs the rush that comes from feeling in control.
Abusers abuse because they like and crave the power, not because the abused did something wrong. You are not to blame!
Being the catalyst for an abusive action does not mean that you are to blame
In one sense the guy is right. Sometimes we do provoke abusive behavior by what we do. It does not necessarily mean, however, that we are to blame.
For instance, Jesus was crucified because of what He did. He healed on the Sabbath. He told off the Pharisees. He invited people to know God personally, rather than just follow rules, and this upset the religious authorities. He was challenging their power, and they killed Him for it.
Does that mean that Jesus was to blame?
Here's another little tidbit. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, the time when a woman is most likely to be attacked or killed, is when a woman separates from an abusive partner or spouse. Does that mean that if she separates, and he then kills her, that she is to blame? Did she do something wrong? Should she have stayed with him to avoid provoking him?
Sometimes righteous actions can provoke evil people to do evil things.
The Christians who are in prison around the world are there because they are preaching the gospel. Are they therefore to blame?
Can we 'provoke' someone into abusing us? Nope. Abuse is only ever the abuser's fault. And often righteous actions are the catalyst for an abusive action! That doesn't mean those righteous actions were wrong.
If a person is trying to control you, and you resist that control and enforce boundaries and try to protect your physical, emotional, and sexual safety, you are doing a good thing. You are precious to God, and He doesn't want you controlled. If you are then hurt, you are not to blame. The person who does the abuse is to blame. And that's because:
Jesus lays the blame for sin at the sinner's feet
Repeatedly in the Gospels Jesus rejects excuses that others make for their sin. He says in Matthew 5:27-30:
You have heard that it was said: You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
He said that women aren't to blame for men's lust; men are to blame. We are responsible for our own sin.
Look, in a relationship, sometimes we will do things and others will react with anger. The commenter is right about that. But no one is perfect! Yet not all relationships are abusive. That means that you can live with an imperfect person and not be abusive. The problem is not with the imperfect person; the problem is with the abuser.
As one person commented when I posted this to Facebook: That's like saying, "If my infant wouldn't have cried about everything I wouldn't have beat her to death." Or, "if my kid wasn't such a brat I wouldn't have punched him in the face and broken his jaw."
"If my boss would pay me what I'm worth I wouldn't have had to steal from the company."
"If the jerk in front of me would have been driving the speed limit, I wouldn't have had to pass him in a no passing zone and killed that family in the head on collision."
"If the government wouldn't charge such high taxes, I wouldn't evade the IRS."
"If my neighbor didn't own a dog, I wouldn't have had to poison it to stop it from peeing through the fence into my yard."
YOU are in control of your own actions!
Save self-defense, there is never an excuse to be violent or to hurt another person, especially a loved one. And there is never an excuse for emotional abuse whereby one uses the silent treatment, insults, passive aggressive behavior, yelling, or financial abuse to control another person.
There just isn't.
And if someone is doing that to you, you are not to blame. Being more submissive won't help.Walking on eggshells won't help. Learning his (or her) love language and trying to communicate better won't help. The problem, you see, is not a relationship problem. It is not a problem that the two of you need to solve. It is a problem that the abuser, and the abuser alone, is causing.
When someone is abusive, learning to communicate better, learning love languages, or being more submissive won't help. It's not a relationship issue: it's a character problem on the part of the abuser.
All too often when women are in abusive relationships they seek out Christian counselors, and those counselors are so focused on saving the marriage that they look at how both parties may be to blame. They talk about better communication strategies and going on more date nights. This will not make things better. This simply feeds the abuser's narcissism.
If you are in an abusive situation, please see a counselor who understands the dynamics of abuse, and who understands that when God said "he hates divorce" it didn't mean that God forbids divorce. It meant that He was angry at the men who were abandoning their wives. And if your husband is abusing you, that is exactly what he has done.
Let's get this right. And next time you hear someone arguing that someone can provoke an abuser, speak up. Say something. We need to stop this lie from spreading.
And...This is Why Abuse Flourishes. Can We Provoke Someone to Abuse?
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
When there's abuse in marriage, are both parties to blame? Or is it just the abuser to blame?
I honestly wish I didn't have to ask that question, but last week a commenter left this on my post about emotionally destructive marriages:
I believe almost ALL issues in a marriage are created by both. The pastor could have used some more tactful words, but ultimately, he had a point: if one person is having an affair, it may be a sign of underlying issues both partners have to work on, such as creating more intimacy and communication. I also read how your wife did not accept any compliments, etc. I know how so many women sabotage the efforts of their husbands and in the end it spirals out of control. Sometimes causing the man to be abusive and then all the fingers are pointing to him. I think it is RARE that an abusive husband is abusive in isolation. If the woman constantly rejects him, criticizes or (subtly) controls his every move, then I would get angry, too! So I think marriage issues are often a mirror for what is going on with each individual. I cannot stand it when ONE of the two is fully blamed. It is rarely so.
This really ticked me off, and when I shared it on social media, it ticked off pretty much everyone there, too.
But I do think that this attitude is still a prevalent one in Christian circles, and so I'd like to take today and totally debunk it.
Can You "Provoke" Someone into Abusing You? Why you are never to blame for abuse.
Being abusive is very different from getting angry occasionally
Many people have short tempers, and that is very wrong. But abuse is in another category. Abusive people are trying to control others. They want others to do what they say, and they feel angry when someone goes against them.
Thus, the only way to pacify an abusive person is to not have any original thoughts and no do anything that you want to do. In other words, you have to cease being you.
If you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting someone off, then the problem is not the one day you cracked an egg. The problem is that the person is trying to control you. That is wrong. There is no excuse for that. And no amount of mollifying the person can change that.
An abusive person revels in the abuse itself
Even if someone does endeavor to empty themselves of any original thought, and does walk on eggshells to avoid provoking the abusive person, the abuser will often look for the tiniest infraction in order to have an "excuse"to blow up. An abusive person feels strong and powerful when he (or she) is able to hurt another. When they are feeling insecure in other areas of their lives, they will look for an excuse to overpower their spouse in order to feel in control again. Or they may simply be narcissists and may revel in the power itself, for no reason other than their evil narcissism.
The impetus for the abuse, you see, does not lie in the actions of the person being abused. It lies in the distorted sense of self that the abuser has. If the spouse was perfectly compliant, they would still be abused, because the abuser needs the rush that comes from feeling in control.
Abusers abuse because they like and crave the power, not because the abused did something wrong. You are not to blame!
Being the catalyst for an abusive action does not mean that you are to blame
In one sense the guy is right. Sometimes we do provoke abusive behavior by what we do. It does not necessarily mean, however, that we are to blame.
For instance, Jesus was crucified because of what He did. He healed on the Sabbath. He told off the Pharisees. He invited people to know God personally, rather than just follow rules, and this upset the religious authorities. He was challenging their power, and they killed Him for it.
Does that mean that Jesus was to blame?
Here's another little tidbit. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, the time when a woman is most likely to be attacked or killed, is when a woman separates from an abusive partner or spouse. Does that mean that if she separates, and he then kills her, that she is to blame? Did she do something wrong? Should she have stayed with him to avoid provoking him?
Sometimes righteous actions can provoke evil people to do evil things.
The Christians who are in prison around the world are there because they are preaching the gospel. Are they therefore to blame?
Can we 'provoke' someone into abusing us? Nope. Abuse is only ever the abuser's fault. And often righteous actions are the catalyst for an abusive action! That doesn't mean those righteous actions were wrong.
If a person is trying to control you, and you resist that control and enforce boundaries and try to protect your physical, emotional, and sexual safety, you are doing a good thing. You are precious to God, and He doesn't want you controlled. If you are then hurt, you are not to blame. The person who does the abuse is to blame. And that's because:
Jesus lays the blame for sin at the sinner's feet
Repeatedly in the Gospels Jesus rejects excuses that others make for their sin. He says in Matthew 5:27-30:
You have heard that it was said: You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
He said that women aren't to blame for men's lust; men are to blame. We are responsible for our own sin.
Look, in a relationship, sometimes we will do things and others will react with anger. The commenter is right about that. But no one is perfect! Yet not all relationships are abusive. That means that you can live with an imperfect person and not be abusive. The problem is not with the imperfect person; the problem is with the abuser.
As one person commented when I posted this to Facebook: That's like saying, "If my infant wouldn't have cried about everything I wouldn't have beat her to death." Or, "if my kid wasn't such a brat I wouldn't have punched him in the face and broken his jaw."
"If my boss would pay me what I'm worth I wouldn't have had to steal from the company."
"If the jerk in front of me would have been driving the speed limit, I wouldn't have had to pass him in a no passing zone and killed that family in the head on collision."
"If the government wouldn't charge such high taxes, I wouldn't evade the IRS."
"If my neighbor didn't own a dog, I wouldn't have had to poison it to stop it from peeing through the fence into my yard."
YOU are in control of your own actions!
Save self-defense, there is never an excuse to be violent or to hurt another person, especially a loved one. And there is never an excuse for emotional abuse whereby one uses the silent treatment, insults, passive aggressive behavior, yelling, or financial abuse to control another person.
There just isn't.
And if someone is doing that to you, you are not to blame. Being more submissive won't help.Walking on eggshells won't help. Learning his (or her) love language and trying to communicate better won't help. The problem, you see, is not a relationship problem. It is not a problem that the two of you need to solve. It is a problem that the abuser, and the abuser alone, is causing.
When someone is abusive, learning to communicate better, learning love languages, or being more submissive won't help. It's not a relationship issue: it's a character problem on the part of the abuser.
All too often when women are in abusive relationships they seek out Christian counselors, and those counselors are so focused on saving the marriage that they look at how both parties may be to blame. They talk about better communication strategies and going on more date nights. This will not make things better. This simply feeds the abuser's narcissism.
If you are in an abusive situation, please see a counselor who understands the dynamics of abuse, and who understands that when God said "he hates divorce" it didn't mean that God forbids divorce. It meant that He was angry at the men who were abandoning their wives. And if your husband is abusing you, that is exactly what he has done.
Let's get this right. And next time you hear someone arguing that someone can provoke an abuser, speak up. Say something. We need to stop this lie from spreading.
Law of love
From Flying Free FB page
I just heard from another victim today who told me her church requires 2-3 witnesses to the intimate partner abuse she has experienced throughout her marriage. They are giving her the boot for escaping.
Religious people quote the verse in 2 Corinthians 13:1 to back up their hateful response. The thing is, they aren't applying the law of love to their application of that "rule." This is what the Pharisees did. Their rules were black and white, and that's why they condemned Jesus for healing a man on the Sabbath. Jesus came and modeled wisdom in applying the law and made it clear that the law of love trumps the Mosaic law. But Pharisees back then and today refuse to acknowledge their insight. And that is why they continue to abuse God's children.
Abusers thrive in abusive churches. Some women need to not only escape their marriages, but also their churches.
2 Corinthians 13:1: This will be the third time I am coming to you. "By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word shall be established."
I just heard from another victim today who told me her church requires 2-3 witnesses to the intimate partner abuse she has experienced throughout her marriage. They are giving her the boot for escaping.
Religious people quote the verse in 2 Corinthians 13:1 to back up their hateful response. The thing is, they aren't applying the law of love to their application of that "rule." This is what the Pharisees did. Their rules were black and white, and that's why they condemned Jesus for healing a man on the Sabbath. Jesus came and modeled wisdom in applying the law and made it clear that the law of love trumps the Mosaic law. But Pharisees back then and today refuse to acknowledge their insight. And that is why they continue to abuse God's children.
Abusers thrive in abusive churches. Some women need to not only escape their marriages, but also their churches.
2 Corinthians 13:1: This will be the third time I am coming to you. "By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word shall be established."
Good answer
From Flying Free FB page
I was asked on another site about the blood of Christ and an abusive man. Can Jesus change the heart of an abusive and violent man, who has lived only to harm and tear down and destroy? Here is my answer to a very good question:
That is a very good question. We, of course, believe that the blood of Christ has infinite power and worth, since he is the Eternal Son of God. His blood can cleanse from all sin - even heinous sin. But the new birth of the Holy Spirit is God's prerogative, and the "wind blows where it wants" (John 3:8). Ephesians 1 and 2 teach us that the new birth and salvation are miraculous, supernatural events - the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.
When it comes to applying this to abusive and deceitful men, the Bible teaches us that we are to make our decisions and act according to wisdom. Believing in the power of God means that we understand that Jesus can turn water into wine; but wisdom means we buy wine before our dinner parties and don't just fill waterpots with water. Faith teaches us that Jesus can walk on water, but wisdom builds bridges. Building a bridge and buying a bottle of wine are not acts of unbelief, since God also created the natural order of things, and we trust him with our crops and our science and our bridges.
But wisdom acts according to natural order, and wisdom teaches us that as the dog returns to vomit, so a fool returns to folly. Wisdom teaches that abusers say all sorts of things, cry all sorts of tears, they can and do fake every fruit of the spirit, and as soon as the pressure is off, like a dog returning to vomit, they return to abusing. It is what they do.
Can God change them? Of course he can. But I won't put my loved ones in danger any more than I will jump off a cliff and say "Catch me, Lord!" In fact, that is forbidden. Thou shalt not tempt the Lord your God.
David truly repented, and we read about it in Psalm 51. True repentance didn't make any demands, didn't insist on restoration, didn't demand that everyone just move on and forget about it. Real sin has real consequences and true repentance accepts those and accepts the blame in its entirety. Of course God can change a heart. But I've never seen it in the case of an abuser. They say all sorts of stuff, and then they return freely to their own vomit. It's in their nature. They continue to choose freely to abuse and hurt and destroy.
Accepting that doesn't make one less faithful; it brings one in line with the teaching of Scripture. In fact, accepting that and acting accordingly is truly the only way to heal and to begin to live in freedom - putting away anger and wrath and malice. Be free in the gospel, and leave the abusers in the hands of the One Who judges rightly.
Hope this helps.
I was asked on another site about the blood of Christ and an abusive man. Can Jesus change the heart of an abusive and violent man, who has lived only to harm and tear down and destroy? Here is my answer to a very good question:
That is a very good question. We, of course, believe that the blood of Christ has infinite power and worth, since he is the Eternal Son of God. His blood can cleanse from all sin - even heinous sin. But the new birth of the Holy Spirit is God's prerogative, and the "wind blows where it wants" (John 3:8). Ephesians 1 and 2 teach us that the new birth and salvation are miraculous, supernatural events - the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.
When it comes to applying this to abusive and deceitful men, the Bible teaches us that we are to make our decisions and act according to wisdom. Believing in the power of God means that we understand that Jesus can turn water into wine; but wisdom means we buy wine before our dinner parties and don't just fill waterpots with water. Faith teaches us that Jesus can walk on water, but wisdom builds bridges. Building a bridge and buying a bottle of wine are not acts of unbelief, since God also created the natural order of things, and we trust him with our crops and our science and our bridges.
But wisdom acts according to natural order, and wisdom teaches us that as the dog returns to vomit, so a fool returns to folly. Wisdom teaches that abusers say all sorts of things, cry all sorts of tears, they can and do fake every fruit of the spirit, and as soon as the pressure is off, like a dog returning to vomit, they return to abusing. It is what they do.
Can God change them? Of course he can. But I won't put my loved ones in danger any more than I will jump off a cliff and say "Catch me, Lord!" In fact, that is forbidden. Thou shalt not tempt the Lord your God.
David truly repented, and we read about it in Psalm 51. True repentance didn't make any demands, didn't insist on restoration, didn't demand that everyone just move on and forget about it. Real sin has real consequences and true repentance accepts those and accepts the blame in its entirety. Of course God can change a heart. But I've never seen it in the case of an abuser. They say all sorts of stuff, and then they return freely to their own vomit. It's in their nature. They continue to choose freely to abuse and hurt and destroy.
Accepting that doesn't make one less faithful; it brings one in line with the teaching of Scripture. In fact, accepting that and acting accordingly is truly the only way to heal and to begin to live in freedom - putting away anger and wrath and malice. Be free in the gospel, and leave the abusers in the hands of the One Who judges rightly.
Hope this helps.
Flying monkey
I can share with you without hesitation, psychological abusers are using God as a flying monkey. They do this by hurling accusations at the survivor about what God would want, what God thinks, and what God says about the survivor's attitude towards the toxic leader. Abusive church leadership must minimize God to a puppet that can be moved around at will, and it smells of blasphemy to me.
-Shannon Thomas, Healing From Hidden Abuse
-Shannon Thomas, Healing From Hidden Abuse
Source
It is a source of power and entertainment for a toxic person to destroy an originally healthy and happy person. -Shannon Thomas, Healing From Hidden Abuse
Terribly real
"You," said he, "are a terribly real thing
in a terribly false world
and that, I believe,
is why you are in so much pain."
Emilie Autumn
The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls
Hidden abuse
Most people have no clue hidden abuse is taking place right under their noses. It is being perpetrated by individuals who would never be suspected of being abusers. The concealed nature of this harm is what leaves its targets devastated. -Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse
Thursday, August 2, 2018
The temptation
By Tony Evans
The temptation in your tears is to give up on God.
But trust Him in the dark
because He is up to something,
you just can't see it yet.
The temptation in your tears is to give up on God.
But trust Him in the dark
because He is up to something,
you just can't see it yet.
Did you wrong
The people that did you wrong
are telling a different version of the story
and they're playing the victim.
are telling a different version of the story
and they're playing the victim.
Two lives
Grief is like living two lives.
One is where you pretend that everything is okay,
and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.
One is where you pretend that everything is okay,
and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.
Find someone
Find someone who is proud to have you, scared to lose you, fights for you. appreciates you, respects you, cares for you, and loves you unconditionally.
Not knowing
By William Chapman
Not knowing why you love someone, will be the greatest love you'll ever know.
Not knowing why you love someone, will be the greatest love you'll ever know.
Forgiver
She was a forgiver.
Her heart was so large.
She didn't know how to
give up on people, because
she always believed the
good in those she loved.
It was until she was
walked on so many times,
she had no choice but to let
go of those who burned
holes in her heart.
Going to be okay
Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today. You matter. You're important. You're loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not. You're going to be okay.
Done
Doesn't apply, but interesting thought:
Done trying. If you want me in your life, let me know. Bye.
Done trying. If you want me in your life, let me know. Bye.
Completes
Don't look for the one who completes you, you are already whole and complete. This isn't about being worthy, you already are. It's about waiting for the one who recognizes that worthiness and wholeness every single day.
Stopped talking
This is a sad thought
I stopped talking about how I felt because I knew no one cared anyway.
I stopped talking about how I felt because I knew no one cared anyway.
Meet someone
When you meet someone who tries their hardest to stick by you regardless of how difficult you are, keep them. Keep them at all costs because finding someone who cares enough to look past your flaws isn't something that happens every day.
Planted
Sometimes when you're in a dark place
you think you've been buried,
but actually you've been planted.
-Christine Caine
you think you've been buried,
but actually you've been planted.
-Christine Caine
She loves anyway
She is strong but not in the way most people think.
She loves more than she'll ever get back and she knows it.
And yet, she loves anyway.
She loves more than she'll ever get back and she knows it.
And yet, she loves anyway.
Gossip and honesty
Gossip is telling someone else's story from a bad motive.
Honesty is telling your own story faithfully, both for the glory of God and for the good of others.
Honesty is telling your own story faithfully, both for the glory of God and for the good of others.
July post
This is what I posted on FB for you for July:
When faced with the arduous task of making decisions for Hayden's funeral, part of me didn't want to participate at all. I thought that by doing so, I was saying I was ok with what happened and I wasn't.
As the week went on though, I realized that this was an opportunity to honor Hayden and show the world how much he was loved. When asked to choose two songs for his tribute video, this song came to mind first. It was a song I had been listening to way before the accident, and I realized the lyrics were perfect.
When choosing a second song, a favorite Josh Groban song came to mind which I realized went well with this one, as far as its style and message. (I couldn't figure out how to share both songs in the same post, so I will share that in a separate post).
When the tribute video started at the funeral, I started mouthing the words to the song from my seat. I wanted to say the words to Hayden. After the first few lines though of "Forever Young", I thought to myself, "Why can't I just sing to my son?" So I did.
I don't know if anyone in that whole room full of people could hear me singing along or not, but I didn't care. I sang these songs to my sweet boy, and when I hear them now, I still do.
Hayden-the most significant part of today being 2 years and 11 months since your accident is that it's the last time it will be "2" years. Love and miss you every day, Hayden Smith.
Other post:
Song #2 from tribute video (see my previous post)
Hayden Milton Smith
"I wish upon tonight to see your smile..."
Hardest thing
The hardest thing that I've ever had to hear was that my child died. The hardest thing I've ever done is to live everyday since that moment.
Don't wait
From Toby Mac
Don't wait for things to get better.
Life will always be complicated.
Learn to be happy right now.
Otherwise you will run out of time.
Don't wait for things to get better.
Life will always be complicated.
Learn to be happy right now.
Otherwise you will run out of time.
Born
Although some would beg to differ...
I was born with the heart of a wife, you won't have to teach me loyalty and respect. It's already in me.
Love is love
Interesting thought
I don't ever regret loving anyone in my life, no matter how poorly they treated me. Love is love. Everyone deserves love. I love because that's what I feel.Why would I regret that?
I don't ever regret loving anyone in my life, no matter how poorly they treated me. Love is love. Everyone deserves love. I love because that's what I feel.Why would I regret that?
Forgive them
Forgive them even if they are not sorry.
And when you stand praying,
If you hold anything against anyone,
forgive him,
so that your Father
in heaven may
forgive you your sins. -Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying,
If you hold anything against anyone,
forgive him,
so that your Father
in heaven may
forgive you your sins. -Mark 11:25
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