Like death

From Flying Free Now

Divorce is Like Death

She had been fighting an unseen battle alone. When she went in to be checked, the "professionals" got the diagnosis wrong. So she continued to fade away, slowly, over the course of a very. long. time.

Oh, it wasn't like she didn't try. She went to professional after professional looking for help. She spent hours researching her symptoms and explaining them in every way she could think of so the professionals would have all the information. So they could have the best possible chance of putting the pieces together and solving the puzzle of her life.

But nobody could help her. In fact, they all sent her down painful rabbit trails, trying this medication and that natural remedy and this healthy life style practice and that Bible verse therapy. She tried Faith Healers and Bible Bangers and Spiritual Gurus. They all gave her lots and lots of advice.

And they all sent her away more confused than ever.

When she tried to tell her friends, they looked at her like she had a horn in the middle of her forehead. Some tried to tell her she was imagining things. They could only see her through the lens of their own experience. So she learned to keep her mouth shut and her head down. She'd have to deal with it on her own.

Once, she checked herself into a three-day "hospital" stay where a religious professional combed through every part of her body, unveiling the darkest parts of her soul. He pronounced her "healed" when it was over. And she left feeling better and hopeful. Until a few weeks later it all crashed on her again, crushing her with a double load of pain. Instead of healing her, the religious professional had only severed something deep inside. Something that she couldn't come back from.

She was bleeding out, now. It was just a matter of time. She could sense it. She began to prepare for the end. She put her finances in order. Got her kids set up with counseling. Read through the journals of her life, looking for clues. Wanting some kind of closure before the end.

The closure never came.

As the end drew near, she continued to make life work for her kids. She drove them, through the cold, grey world, to their jobs. To school. To therapy. To the doctor. To practice. To the store. She was numb now. Not really living, anymore-but doing what she could so her children could live.

Nobody saw her. Nobody wanted to. She was an outcast. A pariah. They whispered new names for her behind her back. "Rebel." "Jezebel." "Bitter woman." "Unforgiving woman." And they told their children they couldn't play with hers.

She had never felt so desolate in all her life. So unloved. So worth absolutely nothing.

She had given up. It was over. And one day...

She filed for divorce.

Her death, relatively speaking, was just as slow as her terminal illness had been. She gasped for every bit of breath. She clutched at her stomach in agony. She writhed on the floor with her fists pounding into her head, hoping she could somehow speed it up and get it over with.

She screamed. But nobody heard her. She was alone in her terminal illness, and she would die alone as well.

Outside her death room, religious folks cursed her under their breath and gathered up the illness that had killed her-drew it up like a soft kitten, cuddling it and putting it in a cozy little box where it could stew and get strong again. One day they would let it out to infect another unsuspecting soul.

Some of her children gathered around her, looking on in curiosity, not knowing she was dying. Some watched with suspicion, believing she had chosen to neglect them and commit suicide. Others wouldn't even come into her room. They hung back with the crowd outside. Waiting for her to die. Silently cursing her, saying she was not the mother they thought she way-and they would have nothing to do with her in her death.

Finally, she breathed her last, and she was gone.

All was silent-and then the crowd outside rushed in to grab her body and fling it unceremoniously out the back door in to a pile of garbage. "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!" some sang out. And they reached for the illness in the box and loved it.

Loved it for killing her.

One of her children came out to look at her body. He kicked her back-and then turned his.

Everyone walked away. Everyone disappeared. It was dark and silent on the garbage heap.

A figure quietly appeared and walked over to her still form. It bent over and reached out a gentle hand to touch her tangled hair.

Then, out of the silence-a sudden, desperate, loud gasp for air. A shudder ran through her body.  

She was alive.

The figure gathered her up in His arms, cradling her like she was five years old. Back and forth, back and forth, He rocked her, whispering, "I love you. I've got you. I love you. I've got you. Rest. Rest. Rest."

And as they rocked, she felt something strong and powerful course through every nerve, every vein, every bone. She felt a growing urge to stand up and walk and run and jump and dance. The resting accepted, now she wanted to do more. She felt strong enough to fly. She believed she could actually fly-if she tried.

Laughter rippled through her lungs and broke out in waves of joy as she grabbed His hands and danced. He laughed with her. She was not alone! She was not dead! She was more alive than she had ever been before. The sickness was gone. Completely gone. And she was free. She was strong.  She could fly!

She so decided she would. She would spread her wings and fly. She would fly free.

And she did.

"Jesus said to her, "I am the one who brings people back to life, and I am life itself. Those who believe in me will live even if they die. "  (John 11:25)

P.S. I wrote this for every woman whose only way out of hell was divorce. I wrote this so you'd know you aren't alone, and you are deeply loved, and your divorce doesn't define you. Jesus defines you. He gives you back your dignity and your personhood, and anyone who tries to take that away from you isn't working for Christ. They are working for the enemy of Jesus. You can (and should) safely ignore them.

No clue

From FB post for Flying Free

By Shahida Arabi

The fact of the matter is, if you haven't been in an abusive relationship, you don't really know what the experience is like. Furthermore, it's quite hard to predict what you would do in the same situation. I find that the people most vocal about what they would've done in the same situation often have no clue what they are talking about-they have never been in the same situation themselves. By invalidating the survivor's experience, these people are defending an image of themselves that they identify with strength, not realizing that abuse survivors are often the strongest individuals out there. They've been belittled, criticized, demeaned, devalued, and yet they've still survived. The judgmental ones often have little to no life experience regarding these situations, yet they feel quite comfortable silencing the voices of people who've actually been there.

A story

This is a very interesting perspective. From Flying Free Now

A Story about Sheep, Wolves, Hired Hands, and a

Shepherd

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Shepherd:  played by Jesus

Sheep:  played by women and children

Hired Hands:  played by pastors and elders and other appointed authority figures

Wolves:  played by abusive husbands

Let's begin our story.

Once upon a time, there was some sheep. Their shepherd had bought and paid for them, and he took good care of them. They were valuable to him.

If they were dorky and got themselves stuck into a rut somewhere, he got them out. If they were thirsty, he led them to water. If they were hungry, he led them to new pastures with fresh grass.

The wolves knew if they got near the sheep when the shepherd was around, it would be slim pickin's that night.

So the wolves watched and waited for the right time.

The day finally came. The shepherd had to attend a wedding and he left his flock in the care of a few hired hands.

The sheep were confused. The hired hands sounded different from the shepherd. They used different words. They used sticks, too. They smiled while snarling, causing even greater confusion to the sheep.

Where was the shepherd who loved them?

The hired hands told them that THEY were the "new boss in town." Everything they said was directly ordered from the shepherd, so the sheep better obey or the shepherd would be angry with them when he got back.

The sheep loved their shepherd, and he had never been angry with them before. But what if the hired hands were right? The sheep didn't want to upset their beloved shepherd.

They must put on their best behavior to please the hired hands, because that would please the shepherd. The hired hands said so. And everyone knows hired hands are smarter than sheep.

Instead of taking them to clear, fresh water from the bubbling streams, the hired hands took them to old, recycled water regurgitated from used cisterns.

Instead of taking them to new grass from moist pastures, the hired hands took them to dusty hills that had already been cleared by other animals.

The sheep grew thin and tired and somewhat sickly, but the hired hands told them "it was through the process of being crushed that the flower would become a perfume."

And "you little sheepies must die to your desires for clean air, water, and grass because that's just selfish and unworthy of your shepherd.

And "your hearts are so desperately wicked, and who can know them? Certainly not you. You deserve hellfire. Be grateful for what you've got."

Sigh. These hired hands were so wise. Who could speak against such humble wisdom? They were the shepherd's representatives, after all.

So the sheep submitted quietly to the hired hands.

This was the exact cocktail the wolves had been waiting for. One night, they snuck into the yard where the sheep were sleeping in their fold. The wolves whimpered and whined, making such a fuss that they caught the attention of the hired hands.

Poor little wolfies with no food.

The hired hands considered. If they tried to fight the wolves, they might be attacked themselves and lose their reputation in town, not to mention the potential for future jobs. That would never do.

So they came up with a plan. Why not let the wolves in? Why not let them pick off the weakest sheep slowly, over time, so nobody would notice? I mean, who needs the weak sheep anyway? Survival of the fittest, right?

It was perfect! This way, only the strong, most impressive, most cooperative sheep would live, and the rest would be weeded out. Why, could they even give the rebellious sheep who kept bleating (so annoying) over the wolves to be "taken care of." Plus the wolves would never personally attack the hired hands! By golly, it was a fool proof plan!

So that's what they did.

Any sheep who noticed what has happening had to keep her bleats to herself, or she'd be wolf food that night. Yes, it was best to stay quiet. Pretend the wolves weren't among them, controlling every thought they had, every step they took, every sound they made.

The wolves would share their kills with the hired hands, and the hired hands grew fat off the blood of the sheep.

The End.

So what do you think of my little story? When Jesus told a similar story in John, Chapter 10, the hired hands and wolves collectively said:

"He has a demon, and is insane; why listen to him?"

Poor little wolfies. They didn't like their ruse exposed.

But, the end? Seriously? That's the end?

NO! THAT IS NOT THE END!

Because one day the shepherd came back, and he was more than a little mad (author said pissed).

"When the whirlwind passes, the wicked is no more. But the righteous has an everlasting foundation."

Proverbs 10:25

He who has ears to hear...

Owe myself

I owe myself an apology for all the s... I let slide and all the s... I chose to deal with and accept.

Shattered

By Rupi Kaur

What's stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives.

Walk in the light

From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day

1 John 1:7
But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

Unexpected

The best love story is when you fall in love
with the most unexpected person at the
most unexpected time.

Too true

From Flying Free Now

Victim:  I was abused.

Everyone: We need 320 photos, 93 videos & 74 witnesses.

Abuser:  I didn't do it.

Everyone: Ok, then. We believe you.

One sure sign

From Flying Free Now

The One Sure Sign You are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Physical abuse is easily definable and recognizable. Sane people soundly condemn it. If a woman comes forward with physical evidence of abuse, she will usually find support in the church. (She won't always find support in the church. There are some people who think a wife needs to suffer for Christ even if it means physical beatings. Christ's suffering wasn't enough for her. She's got to complete it for Him. Total rubbish, of course.)

But emotional abuse? It that even a thing? It is absolutely a thing. It is the most common type of abuse, and it is rampant in our churches. Why? Because it is the most hidden, unrecognizable, and untraceable of all the abuse tactics. Often, the victim is completely unaware that she is in an abusive relationship, and the abuser is in such complete denial that he is unable to see how destructive his behaviors are to his partner. Emotional abuse in a marriage can go on for years before anything is done to stop it, and even then, getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship can be a long, dangerous, and painful road.

Leslie Vernick wrote a book called The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. Chapter one has a test you can take to help you discover if you may be in a destructive marriage...(If you think your spouse may be emotionally abusive, don't show this test to him. A common tactic of abusers is to take whatever you say and turn it back on you. He'll take the test and call you the abuser.)

So, take the test, but I would like to point out, for simplification, that there is one key component of every single emotionally destructive relationship. If this one thing is present in your relationship, you are being emotionally abused. Period.

THE ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR OF ALL

DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Your spouse doesn't take responsibility for his behavior.

Ever.

That's it.You can have an infinite number of variants as far as specific behaviors and abuse tactics, but boil it all down, and you get this at the bottom of the pan every. single. time.

This means you can't ever resolve anything. If you go to an emotionally abusive spouse with a bit of feedback about anything, you will get nowhere. He doesn't want to hear what you have to say. Here are some examples of how this might play out:

Wife:  "When you did/said such and such, it hurt."

Husband:  "That's ridiculous. I didn't do that. You misunderstood. Why do you always have to jump to the worst conclusions? Can't you even trust your husband? What kind of person does that? You're always on my case about everything."

(Wife feels unloved, unheard, stupid, and can even question her sanity. Did she misinterpret his tone? Did she make it up in her head? Is she being unfair and mean? When this kind of thing goes on for years and years, she can start to question her reality and even her sanity.)

Wife: "While I'm gone, can you change the baby's diaper before he goes to bed? You forgot the last three times, and he woke up soaked."

Husband: "What? Are you crazy? I've never done that. I think I know how to take care of a baby for crying out loud. Why do you always have to nag about everything? You treat me like a child. It's so disrespectful."

(Wife feels caught. She feels bad for her baby, and she feels like she can't remind her husband of anything without being accused herself. She doesn't want to treat him like a child. She wants to respect and honor him, like a good wife should. So she feels bad that no matter how hard she tries to show him respect, he only views her as the opposite. She also wonders if she is crazy. She could have sworn the baby was soaked the last few times her husband put him to bed. But he seems so sure...maybe she was wrong?)

Wife:  "Can I go out with a friend next week?"

Husband:  "I suppose. I never go out with my friends."

Wife:  "But you can go out any time you want to!"

Husband: "Mmmmm. It's your day. Do whatever you want." (Deep sigh.)

(Wife feels guilty. Uneasy. Like she is taking advantage of her husband and displeasing him. If she is in a sub-culture that says wives must please their husbands at all times and put their interests first,she may even choose to stay home knowing that would make her husband "happy.")

Wife:  "You committed to such and such over a year ago, but I've noticed that you haven't followed through. When will you keep that commitment?"

Husband:  "Don't you have something better to do with your life other than get on my back all the time? What is your problem? Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everything? I've been busy. Can't you see that?"

Other typical responses to the wife's input or feedback:

-"You are goofy/silly/crazy/a (swear words)"

-"Why are you always on my back? What a nag/shrew/(swear words)

-"Everyone knows you think you're so great. What a judgmental Debbie Downer. Just back off, why don't you?"

They are critical, deceitful, and lack empathy. They are not convicted of sin, and they don't repent. To have peace with them, the wife must take responsibility for her sin as well as his (everything is her fault, after all). She has to sweep all issues under the rug and ignore them, because to bring anything up invites an attack on her personhood. All issues remain unresolved, and her feelings, interests, opinions, and desires are worth nothing.

She becomes a non-person in the marriage. If she tells someone in the secular world who is familiar with abuse, she will get help. If she tells someone in her church, she may be rebuked for slandering her husband. She'll be told to submit more, make better meals, give better sex, quit nagging, stop trying to be his personal holy spirit, and other choice rebukes with accusations and assumptions embedded in them. All things she hears from her husband regularly. This is how churches align themselves with the abuser and enable him to dig into deeper denial. It's not only unloving, but it's destructive to the entire family as well as to the body of Christ. Lies always are.

The ironic (satanic?) thing is that the church's desire is to keep the marriage together at all costs to the victims within the marriage (wife and children)- for the purpose of "reflecting Christ and the church." The only trouble is, this kind of marriage isn't a reflection of that relationship in the least. It's more accurately a reflection of Satan, the accuser, and his attempts to thwart God's purposes on earth through His people.

What we are called to as Christians is TRUTH. To walk in Truth. And that means calling a spade, a spade. Even if it means being vilified for it. The most loving thing a church can do is to hold the abusive spouse accountable for his sins. If God grants him conviction of sin and repentance, a marriage can be saved. But clocking the wife over the head just because she is an easy target (she is just a female after all), and the "head of the house" is a slippery devil disguised like an angel-doesn't save anything. It just aids in the destruction of several human lives. The husband, the wife, and any kids they have. And no, contrary to pious opinion, this doesn't glorify anything of Christ to the world around us.

So what if you just read this and your mind is spinning. You're thinking, "I think this is me. I think this is my life. What am I going to do?" I would like to write more about this, because several years ago I sat in a coffee shop after spending a night in a quiet hotel room contemplating suicide. I literally spent the entire night wracked with sobs. Every inch of my body was burning with pain inside and out, and I had never been hit. I was bleeding out, emotionally. I wanted to go Home to be with Christ. To be done. I didn't think I could survive another day of insanity. I felt stuck in a perpetual torturous existence with no end in sight. The only thing that anchored me to this earth was the baby inside my belly, whose birthday was just a few days away. I sat in that coffee shop the next morning Googling stuff related to what I had been experiencing for 20 years up to that point in time. And what I found shocked me to my core. I discovered (was forced to face) the Truth about my marriage. And the truth was horrifying. But it ultimately set me free.

Differently

From Flying Free Now

Three Things I'd Do Differently When Leaving My Emotionally Abusive Marriage

I haven't talked a whole lot about my own story publicly, but today I'm going to share a little. Hindsight IS 20-20, and while I can't go back in my own life and change anything (nor do I want to since God has written a crazy beautiful story, and why mess it up?) I do hope someone reading this might learn from my mistakes and avoid a few traps I fell into.

Getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship is a bit like navigating a minefield. And the mines have this uncanny ability to increase in number when you stick your neck out and start running. You know why?

Because when you start seeing the truth and making choices that will lead to escape, your abusive partner gathers up friends, family, and religious leaders to HELP HIM PLANT MORE MINES. 
I know, crazy, huh? Because: ABUSE.

RABBIT TRAIL: These same people, ironically, will try to convince you that you're not being abused. "Abuse?" They'll cluck. "Isn't that a strong word to be using of a man who is just doing his best and not measuring up to your impossible standard?"

To which you think (and sometimes assert out loud): "My impossible standard of being treated like a normal human being with basic human rights, you mean?"

To which they will squawk defensively, "You HAVE no human rights! Be like Jesus! DIE!" (While they enjoy a life of so NOT dying...cough cough.)

To which you must think (and sometimes assert out loud): "Jesus didn't just die. He ROSE. And the story God is writing in my life is not just one of death-but of RESURRECTION POWER. Now, step aside, because by the grace of God-I RISE."

And then you rise, baby. You rise up and be the ezer warrior God made you to be. THAT is the story He is writing in your life. And just like mine, it's crazy beautiful.

So now-the three things I'd do differently.

1.  I'D STOP GIVING FEEDBACK

We keep thinking that if we explain it in just the right way, at just the right time, with just the right tone of voice, there will be a meeting of the minds. Our voice will be heard and acknowledged as valuable and worth something. But when has that ever happened?

This is one of the key indicators of emotional abuse-one partner chronically neglects to hear or value the input of the other partner. How can conflicts be resolved? They can't. Who holds the power when only one partner's voice counts for anything? This is not a mutually honoring, caring, compassionate, adult relationship. This is the heart of emotional abuse. 

I can count on one hand the number of times my ex and I resolved a problem together over the course of 25 years. How many issues come up in any couple's relationship in the course of a week? Probably a few. Some are minor-not worth making an issue of. Easily resolved by just moving on. But some require a bit of conversation. Some require a lot of conversation. Some require a little space and then some conversation.

But in a normal relationship, both partners are eager to find a resolution that is mutually satisfying so they can move forward in greater intimacy. This is what I've experienced in my second marriage. We've had a handful of conflicts in the past five months, but every single one has been discussed respectfully and FULLY RESOLVED. Afterwards, there is increased understanding, increased empathy, and increased intimacy. Every. Single. Time. It's a beautiful thing!

Conflicts are not bad. But when the only was to "resolve" them is to sweep them under the rug for fear of making the other person angry-that's bad. That's indicative of an abusive relationship.

My point? When your partner refuses to hear your voice and give it the weight it deserves as a fellow human on planet earth (let alone his WIFE), and when this has been going on for years. And years. And more years. And when it never changes. Ever and ever and ever...

...Why keep trying to give them feedback? Why? Why do we do this? Why do we think that THIS time, it will be different?

It won't be.

I just couldn't get this through my thick skull. I thought I had the communication skills to figure this out. To make an inroad, eventually.

You can't do that with an emotional abuser. It doesn't matter what your background is, how well you communicate with the rest of the world, what your talents, education, or skill set is. 

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

It's about him. This is his problem and even God can't fix him if he doesn't think he needs fixing!

And he doesn't.

Eventually I surrendered the insatiable desire to be heard and understood and valued-and I stopped giving him feedback. I stopped believing he could change. (He couldn't.) I stopped believing he cared. (He didn't.)

I stopped looping about this over and over in my head, trying to solve an impossible problem. I let go of my spouse, took responsibility for my own life, and moved forward without him.

How would I do this differently if I had the chance to go back?

I'd have stopped giving feedback a few years earlier. In fact, if I knew what I now know, after one year of that kind of emotional abuse-I'd say. "We're done, babe. Better luck with your next victim."

How about you? Are you ready to stop giving feedback to someone who clearly doesn't want it?

2.  I'D BE MY OWN BEST ADVOCATE.

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

-Brene Brown

I threw myself under the bus over and over in my marriage. Being the good Christian girl that I was, I believed that it was my responsibility to manage the emotional climate of the marriage. To "be at peace with everyone" meant that when my husband was unhappy or irritated, I wasn't doing my job.

And I'd crack the whip on (myself).

Guilt was my daily companion, and failure was my ever-present friend.

I had nine kids, homeschooled, clipped coupons, made meals from scratch, kept the house clean, volunteered at church, hosted Bible studies, hosted small group gatherings and picnics with friends, packed and unpacked for a large family (while nursing or pregnant) numerous times every summer so we could visit my husband's parents, made and kept all the medical appointments, started and grew a business to make ends meet and give us some breathing room financially, and (deep breath) said "no" to myself when I longed for a break. (DIE! Natalie. DIE LIKE JESUS! You selfish shrew for wanting a break!)

I was married to criticism. There was always something wrong. I was such a "silly" lady who didn't know how to do it right. The kids were getting B pluses and A minuses in homeschool math instead of straight A's. I needed to get cracking. The meal didn't have meat in it. I needed to get cracking. I bought some makeup with the money I brought in? What a waste of resources. I needed to get cracking.

His voice was in my head every minute of the day. I believed that voice. Everything was my fault. I kicked myself for not doing better. For not being better. For feeling things I wasn't supposed to be feeling. For daring to confront my husband (what kind of good Christian wife would do THAT?) when I should just keep cracking on myself. After all, he wouldn't have been mean if I had just been a better wife.

I worked very hard to make everyone happy. I thought working my tail off would endear me to my husband. Maybe then he would see me, appreciate me, and love me?

I managed everyone's emotions. But I failed to manage my own. Talk about bad boundaries, huh?

I eventually read the BOOK Boundaries- and wondered where it had been my entire life! My name was "NO BOUNDARIES." I had none, and I resented those who did. (Because, I figured, if they could cross over my yard whenever they wanted to-why would they not let my cross over into theirs? Is that even FAIR?)

NOW I only let certain people in my yard-and I let others take care of their own yards. It's such a nice, new, simple, peaceful way to live.

So here's how I'd do it differently.

I would look in the mirror every day and say, "Hey Natalie! You're doing the best you can! You're working hard! You don't have to be perfect! If you're tired, take a break! If your husband gets mad, that's not your problem! He's a big boy-he can manage his own emotions or not-whichever he chooses and that's not your job! Tolerate his disapproval! His opinion is his and he's entitled to it, but it's not the last word on WHO YOU ARE AS A VALUABLE HUMAN BEING! If he can't see you, that doesn't mean you aren't SEEN. I'm going to take care of you, Natalie, even if nobody else does. I have YOUR back from now on!"

Then I would make a meal without any meat in it. Just for me.

Seriously, this is what I started doing. When several people around me started pointing fingers and defining me in their own terms through their own lenses, I felt completely alone. And it was the best thing that could've happened to me. Because I was forced to make a decision about God and myself.

I chose to trust God and show compassion on myself.

(She listed some things that she did to take care of herself)

I was a 50-year-old woman, and I finally grew up.

How about you? Do you take care of yourself? To the degree that you love and accept yourself just the way you are is the degree you will accept and love others just the way they are. (And just so there is no misunderstanding here, to love others just the way they are does NOT MEAN that you love and nurture their dysfunctional behaviors. Enabling emotionally abusive behavior is a hateful things to do to everyone involved, including the abuser.)

3.  I WOULDN'T TRY TO CONVINCE ANYONE I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.

I think this is one of the deepest, darkest reasons why a woman doesn't rise up and get help when she is being emotionally abused. She knows nobody will get it. When she first begins to tell someone about her experiences, even SHE doesn't fully get it. Yet. She has a hard time explaining the patterns of abuse because he is still in her mind, controlling her thoughts, emotions, and reality-using all the intimate knowledge he has of her to brainwash her with the idea that his treatment of her is "normal" and also "her fault."

For her to say something about the abuse is for her to be mean-hearted. Vindictive. Unforgiving. A gossip. Unfaithful. Disrespectful.

This is his voice in her head, keeping her from revealing his pathology.

And sadly, he is in the heads of religious people as well (by religious, I mean Pharisaical law-keepers, not Christ-like love-spreaders). He is a product of a conservative, misogynistic theology, after all. Or if not a product, than an eager subscriber. Why? It plays right into his game.

So a Christian woman will stay quiet-or be burned at the proverbial stake.

But eventually, the pain of staying in the abusive relationship becomes greater than the potential pain of getting out. And she thinks if she could JUST GET SOMEONE TO BELIEVE AND SUPPORT HER, it would be doable. She'd make it out in one piece. And she's actually right. It's rare, but those women who are supported by their church community and family do much better, and their children fare much better as well. But, like I said, it's rare.

More often, the woman is maligned, told she is rebellious, unsubmissive, not trusting God (her faith is actually a powerhouse by this time, and she's been trusting Him in impossible circumstances, alone, for many years now), and bitter. She's told she is destroying her family with her own hands.

So she tries to explain further. Surely they will understand if she can just explain it better? Once again, she takes on the responsibility for what others think and believe as well as what they feel about her. She is desperate to be loved. To be seen. To be worth someone's time and understanding and compassion.

And she is all those things. Just not to the religious elite. They prefer her wolf-husband. He's more attractive, more supportive of their power-over agenda, and he's so sweet. Such a nice guy, while she appears to be a madwoman!

The more desperate she is to make them believe the truth, the more she appears to be the crazy one. And the thirstier they get for her blood. And the more triumphant they are when they get to vote her out of church. (With crocodile tears and "We LOVE you's" of course.)

So here's what I did differently.

I'd tell them my plans once, because, you know. Polite. When they came back with their fangs and claws poised over head, I'd say, "Oh, did you think you had the power over my life? This might come as a shocker to you then..." And then I'd leave that church and never look back.

I did eventually do that, but not until I disrespected myself over and over with my begging and weeping. I just couldn't wrap my brain around how hateful they actually were. The cognitive dissonance between what they preached and said with their mouths and how they lived it out in Christian relationship was absolutely mind-blowing. I didn't think that way or approach life that way, so I couldn't understand how others who called themselves Christians could do that to another human being and think they had God's stamp of approval on their hateful behavior.

Do you see the abuse pattern in this kind of spiritual abuse? You have no voice. You are worth nothing to them. They are always right. Even though they didn't live your life or even really know you at all-THEY KNOW. They get to decide your life for you. Because they are the elite. They, like your abusive spouse, have made themselves out to be as gods.

But they are not God. And anyone who doesn't point you to Jesus (and points to their law book instead)-is not of God. Period.

Who are they? They are just one tiny church body in a very big world. They really can't burn you at the stake. So they can excommunicate you? Big deal. It's not like on your record with God or anything. (It's actually on THEIR record with Him! Be glad you're you!)

There are so many lovely Christians who truly know and serve Jesus. Find some of them and rebuild.

And speaking of rebuilding, I want to reassure you that YOU ARE NOT THE ONE TEARING DOWN YOUR FAMILY.

You are an ezer warrior-daughter of the Most High King. You are, in reality, a REBUILDER. But you can't rebuild unless the old, dangerous, toxic structure is town down. YOU didn't build that structure. You were a slave doing slave labor, thinking you had no choice.

Now you know you DO have a choice, and you get to walk away from unwillingly being part of something horrifyingly destructive and turn instead toward building something incredibly healing. Something of truth and justice and mercy. Something that reflects the heart of your King. Something that reflects your own heart in Him.

So let people rage and gnash their teeth. You don't have to convince anyone. If they have no regard for their sister, why try? Why not find people who DO believe in the value of women and children. Who DO believe in the value of truth and walking in reality and living by the Spirit of Love-not the death sentence of the law.

So these are just three examples of things I'd do differently. If I had a chance to go back, knowing what I know now about abuse and how the conservative, evangelical church typically addresses it.

What about you? What would you do differently?

Crazy Things

The website Flying Free Now is amazing. I feel like it was written just for me. It's amazing that Susan B. led me to it.

The Crazy Things Your Pastor or Bible Counselor Told You to Do In Your Abusive Relationship

I recently asked the following question on my public Flying Free Facebook page:

"What's the craziest thing a pastor, Bible counselor, or church leader told you to do in your abusive relationship?"

Within eight hours there were over 180 comments.

That question struck a nerve.

These women lived out their prime years within prison cells built on these lies. Each lie is a thick, unbending iron bar.

I'd like to share a few of the answers here, and then I'm going to tear down some of the most prevalent ones.

RELIGIOUS LIES

"All couples fight."

"You are not in God's will."

"You need to give him more sex."

"Give your 11 children to the elders to be placed in three different church homes to prove that you're telling the truth. If you insist on keeping your children, you must be lying about the abuse."

"You're not praying hard enough."

"Do what he wants you to do. Whatever makes him happy."

"You made a vow. You have to keep it."

"All marriages are hard."

"If you leave, you don't love your children."

"Are you keeping the house clean enough? Do you cook him good dinners?"

"You had too many babies, so that's why he abuses you."

"Back away from your relationship with Jesus. It intimidates your husband. You must decrease so he can increase."

If these things are really going on in your house (and that is a big "IF") then it's your responsibility to get him the help he needs."

"You are a slave to Christ and your husband. There is no greater love than to die for your husband. Treat him as if he were God. He stands in the place of God for you."

"Compliment him more. He is discouraged and just needs to be affirmed by someone who thinks he is good looking."

"Quit focusing on the bad stuff. Focus on the WINS!"

"Your personality is too strong. You need to be meek in order to let him shine." (This woman said she tried to be less intelligent, not have opinions, submit, and not use her sense of humor. Basically, become a non-person.)

"He's not complicated, but you are. You need counseling."

"You don't know how good you have it. Be thankful he isn't worse."

"The only right you have is to die to yourself."

"Your husband had an affair with your sister? You need to initiate sex, then. Because love covers a multitude of sins."

"If your husband is addicted to porn and sleeps with other men and women, it's because you are frigid and unimaginative. Work on that."

"Just because your husband recently cheated on you, and you are nine months pregnant, doesn't give you the right to refuse him sex."

"Remember the reasons you married him."

"Your quest for the truth is damaging your marriage. Stop making him feel bad."

"You're blowing things out of proportion."

"You obviously haven't obeyed him perfectly."

"Because of Eve, you owe him obedience and loyalty no matter what."

"Stop expecting a Hollywood romance."

"When he gets home from having an affair, smile at him."

"Christian marriage is hell. Accept it."

"It's just his sin nature. Give him grace."

"Stop complaining before something worse happens."

"He's not abusive enough for you to divorce him. We can tell."

"Grow a thicker skin."

"Forgive without limit. Respect him."

"You are having problems because you let him have your body before marriage."

"Study Hosea who married a prostitute and stayed no matter what."

"Buy a sexy nightie and he'll stop sleeping around."

"After attempted murder and a sexual assault, her pastor told her, 'your situation is a 3 out of 10. Let him move back home or you'll be held accountable before God for putting a nail in the coffin of your marriage.'"

"Repent of your bitterness."

"Churches are exempt from protective orders, so your husband can be here."

"Win him without a word."

"You are obviously mentally ill."

"He's not hitting you. What's the big deal?"

"The word 'abuse' is not in the Bible."

"A man would never treat his wife like this unless she were doing something wrong."

"If you don't stay, you have no faith."

"You aren't a Christian."

"God will kill your child if you leave."

"You don't know what your name is. You are ______'s wife. You have no name."

NO MORE LIES!

If you've hung out with me very long, you know that I believe the root cause of abuse in the home and in the church is misogyny. The dehumanization of women. And I believe culture-and especially RELIGIOUS culture-perpetuates that attitude toward women by brainwashing people with subtle, twisted truths. You can see how this works by looking at that list above. For every comment above, there are thousands and thousands more who could say they heard the same thing.

In general, girls are raised to believe that they need to be quiet. Domestic. Agreeable. Supportive. Submissive. Peace-keepers. To express an opinion that differs from a man in the room is automatically labeled as rebellious. Divisive. Uncooperative. Bitchy.

This creates the perfect environment for abuse. A woman is treated "less than," and if she protests even in the most humble way, she is immediately shamed for protesting. There is an unspoken law. Thou shalt not protest your discomfort when you are mistreated, lied to, and dehumanized. If you are a woman. A man is seen as strong and assertive if he stands up for himself, so he doesn't have to swim against a tide of hatred and suspicion.

We can't change society. We can't change the religious environment that encourages this kind of insane treatment. But we CAN advocate for ourselves by kicking out a few of the pervasive lies we were brainwashed with for most of our lives. We CAN walk away from lies and the people who tell them in order to find sanity and peace with those who believe in treating all members of the human race with dignity and respect.

You know, like Jesus did.

I've pulled some of the following concepts from the book Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence. They've condensed many of the lies we've been taught into a few big ones. Most of the other lies are simply variations of these.

1. YOU MADE YOUR BED, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO LIE IN IT.

It's a common cliche that isn't rooted in reality. Consider another one: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Really? What about "Out of sight, out of mind?" See how these kinds of cliches make no sense when it comes to real life? They are just societal truisms, and you can almost always find another one that contradicts the first one. We say them when we don't want to actually use our brains, and we're just itching to say the first thing that pops into our heads.

So what does it mean-that if you make your bed, you have to lie in it? It means you can't ever change your mind.

Is that true? Are human beings not allowed to change their minds? Let's say a mother is going to send her child to a camp, but then she finds out that one of the class bullies who has been tormenting her child during the school year is going to be there. So she can't change her mind?

Let's say a general lays out a battle plan based on the intelligence he was given that morning. But later in the day he receives new intelligence indicating that his first battle plan would be ill advised. Does that mean he can't change his mind? Seriously?

 No, this is a dorky lie for cartoon characters. You, a real human being, CAN change your mind. And sometimes changing your mind is the wisest thing to do. A woman who marries an abusive person now has new information. She can make a different decision based on that new information. She can change her mind.

She made her bed, but guess what? She can leave and make a new bed. And she gets to choose to lie in the bed that is safest for her.

2.  MARRIAGE IS FOREVER.

Um, no. A marriage is a covenant/contract between two people. Contracts or "covenant" vows can be broken by one person. Once they are broken, the entire thing is null and void. A divorce provides legal protection for the victim of a broken contract or covenant. And just in case you've heard that there is a difference between "covenant" and "contract" (a contract has to be kept by both partners, but a covenant [marriage covenant, for example] can be broken by one and must still be kept by the other), here is another perspective:

"As originally written, there was no distinction between "covenant" and "contract." There is only one word for both and there is no reason to believe that this word represented more than one type of agreement. This applies not only to the OT use of the term "covenant" but also to its use in the NT and beyond into the Church Fathers. Throughout this period, the term "covenant" meant a contract that could be broken if either side reneged on their half of the agreement.

In the New Testament and beyond, there was also a second, entirely separate meaning of "covenant" as the "New Covenant" (i.e., New Testament). This developed alongside the traditional meaning of covenant as contract.

The theological meaning of "covenant" is an agreement that a faithful person would not break even if the partner to whom that person is in covenant breaks the stipulations of the covenant. This new meaning of "covenant" is based on the covenantal relationship between God and his people in the later prophets and the New Testament. In the later prophets, God promised that he would keep his side of the agreement whether or not his people kept theirs. God would be faithful even if his people were faithless. This irrevocable covenant was portrayed in Ezekiel 36-37 and Jeremiah 31 as a "new covenant." This is different to every other type of covenant found in the ancient Near East or in the Old Testament. It is this difference that made the "new covenant" so special.

If your business contracted with another business for goods and services, and the other business didn't come through with their end of the bargain, does that mean you have to pay them? Of course not. That's ridiculous. A contract/covenant requires two sides keeping their end of the bargain. Period.

Women who are mistreated have absolutely no obligation to provide goods and services to their abusers who have broken their vows to love and cherish by neglecting and dehumanizing them.
They are free to go.

God set precedence for this reality when He divorced Israel for not keeping covenant with Him.

3.  POOR, POOR ABUSER. HE CAN'T HELP HIMSELF BECAUSE HE NEEDS YOU FOR SEX, SO YOU SHOULD STAY.

There are two people involved in this relationship. You and him. When you stay because you feel sorry for him, you are throwing yourself under the bus in order to protect an abusive person who willfully chooses to mistreat you.

He certainly isn't feeling sorry for you. He's feeling sorry for him, and he expects you to feel sorry for him too, because it's all about him. You are nothing to him.

Are you a nothing to yourself? You certainly aren't a nothing to God. How does God view both of you? He loves both of you, but one of you is choosing to be selfish and destructive. Is it in the destructive person's best interest for everyone to feel sorry for him and enable him to mistreat other human beings?

Is it in his best interest to teach him that he isn't responsible for his life? That others will mother him and slave for him simply because he was born (a man)?

You are not responsible for his well-being. For his choices. For his behavior. For the consequences he faces because he refuses to get help and transform.

You are responsible for you. God gave YOU your body, mind, and spirit. He won't hold you accountable for anyone else's life. Just your own. So let your partner take responsibility for his life, and you take responsibility for yours.

Feeling sorry for him is a horrible reason for staying.

4.  HE SAID HE WAS SORRY, SO I NEED TO GIVE HIM A FRESH START.

We hear this in religious circles quite often. "Forgive and forget." "Turn the other cheek." "Love covers up a multitude of sins."

But here's the thing. Just because someone says they are sorry doesn't mean you have to be with them anymore. Abusive men will know their victims will buy their words and look the other way when their actions don't measure up.

It's ACTIONS, not words, that tell the true story. Apologies mean nothing. Anyone can say, "I'm sorry." Big hairy deal.

And even if a chronically abusive man really did change (almost never, ever happens), you still don't need to go back to him. Losing a wife and a family is a natural consequence when you abuse a wife and family. A truly changed man will accept the consequences, give you an amazing divorce, and then work to make amends.

By the way, I've never seen an abuser give his wife an amazing divorce. What I HAVE seen is horrible, vengeful behavior when he realized his victim was no longer buying his "I'm sorry" theatricals.

5.  IF YOU TRY HARDER AT DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, OR IF YOU SAY THINGS THE RIGHT WAY, HE WILL CHANGE AND YOU'LL SAVE THE MARRIAGE.

Abusive men can't have a healthy intimate relationship with ANYONE. They can have surface, transactional relationships. But not intimate relationships. So it doesn't matter what you do or say or how hard you try. It wouldn't matter if you were Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, Himself. You can't change an abuser. Ever. You can't save a marriage when one of the players isn't playing.

So you haven't failed. You've just been thrown into a game you'll never win. It's fixed. And it's not your fault.

How about putting all that energy and focus into trying harder to be free of him? Trying harder to advocate for yourself and your kids? Trying harder to see the truth instead of failing back into the pretty little lies that feel familiar?

Save your energy for YOU.

6.  IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK.

This one is similar to number five. Consider this:

"If two people are in a rowboat and each one has an oar, they both have to row to make the boat move forward. If only one person rows the boat, the boat will go around in circles and not get anywhere. Hearing this set of statements, one of our clients said, "I would just row harder," to which her therapist responded, "Then I guess you would just go around in circles faster."

Or consider this: let's say you and your partner bought a new house, and it needed some repairs. Your partner refused to do anything to see that the repairs were made. So you took matters into your own hands and started looking up YouTube videos in order to begin making some of the repairs yourself. But every time you started working on a project, your partner would come behind you and take away your tools and smack the thing that needed repair, doing even greater damage.

Are you responsible? Of course not.

Nor are you responsible for building a marriage when you're tied to a marriage wrecker.

I was told many horrible things about what a rotten wife and Christian I was. Interestingly enough, I'm quite successful at my "wife" job in my new marriage. And it has nothing to do with my "wife" job. It has everything to do with the fact that in my new marriage, there are two of us working to make it amazing. (And it's not even work! It's sheer pleasure!)

7.  CHILDREN NEED A FATHER, THEREFORE, YOU NEED TO STAY OR GO BACK. OR-CHILDREN NEED AN INTACT FAMILY, SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK.

But do children need an abusive father who is a bad role model? Do they need a mother who is daily struggling with survival and symptoms of C-PTSD? Or would it be better if they had a peaceful single parent home with an emotionally healthy mother?

It's true that the ideal family situation is a two parent home with two healthy, committed, involved, empathetic parents who love one another. But that's not what you've got in an abusive home. So THAT kind of "intact" family isn't an intact family at all. It's a toxic family that is PRETENDING to be healthy. And THAT, dear lady, is one of the worst kinds of environments to grow up in.

The underlying psych issues children deal with as they grow into adulthood after coming out of homes like this are profound. And the chronic cover-up leaves them with zero skills for dealing with reality.They often suffer in their own relationships and personal lives for years until they finally get to the end of their rope and reach out for professional help to unravel the mess.

Now it's your turn. In the comments section, pick one of the "wise" things a religious person told an abuse survivor to do (above list) and give an alternative response. What would you say to that same survivor to help her see the truth and be set free?

Fighting

I found this interesting. When I initially read the title of it, I thought it was going in a different direction. Written from a husband's perspective. From Faith It.

Fighting for My Wife
by Timothy Willard

The enemy hates marriage.

Last week a friend texted and asked, "Did you hear about Lisa Terkeurst? So sad."

I didn't know what he was talking about so I quickly Googled it. Lisa lives here in Charlotte and runs Proverbs 31 Ministries.

When I found her site, I read the post to which my friend was referring. My heart sank. Lysa informed the public that she "had decided to separate from him (her husband) and pursue a divorce."

Her husband, Art, was "repeatedly unfaithful" to her and was caught in substance abuse. As a man, my heart sank even lower.

I texted my friend, "Bro, the enemy prowls...This is a call to fight for our wives. To love big."

Then, I thought of my own heart. And how the enemy prowls. And how we are all of us (men and women) susceptible to waywardness and the passions.

So, I scratched down a few vows for myself, as a man does his best to love his wife and lead.

My heart breaks for Christian marriage. But I realize the best thing I can do to help is to do my best to keep God at the center of it, and my affections where they need to be.

So, I vow...

To love big, and stay small. Doing what I need to do to keep the humility of Christ ever in my heart.

To get off my devices and be present for my wife and children.

To let her see me turn away from images I know my heart can't handle.

To guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

To get into the wilderness regularly. Not just with dudes, but with God.

To seek quiet, stillness, and solitude. To let it breathe through me and and into my household.

To show my ladies the value in a good fire, a yummy s'more, and a terrifying ghost story.

To not give in to the rat-race of busy-ness, and be home-not just sitting around, but doing, building, playing, laughing, failing, singing, cooking, loving.

To work harder at being a husband and dad than I do at my job.

To let the blows of God mold me. For when I am in his hands, I am my best self.

To never let my mind get weak by the amusement and entertainment the world flings at me on an hourly basis.

To be active in my church.

To spiritually pastor and lead my household by initiating times of prayer, Bible reading, and worship.

To let praise, to God and to my ladies, be ever on my lips.

To try new things so that I will never stagnate.

To give my wife every opportunity to shine: in her home, in front of her daughters, in front of her friends, in front of her parents.

To buy her that expensive chair, and then sit with her in quiet, reading, praying, and dreaming.

To defer whatever power I might think I have to God, and to my wife.

To not fuss over things that don't matter. Like where we eat after church, or what should hang on the wall, or what movie to watch.

To live as a shield for my wife and pixies-to take on pain, so they won't have to.

To empower my wife's gifts with my own.

To let her see me cry.

To kiss her just because.

To kiss her again, just because.

And again.

To have the French Press hot when she walks down the stairs.

To let her know how much I learn from her.

To rub her arm in church.

To confess to her during communion.

To speak to her with a heavenly tone, and with words that make the angels cry with jealousy.

To be a warrior-poet for my girls-by setting standards, not just rules, by warding off culture's constant voice with the sword of my imagination, and by winning the fight for their hearts with a holiness I seek like silver.

To YAWP (had to look this up-from Dead Poet's Society); in pain, in ecstasy, so we never forget the ferocity of life, and the God who makes it so.

To die. To my self. To my passions. To my lust. Over and over. As many times as it takes.

(Side note: After reading this, I am really realizing that there is something really wrong with Dad. He has never and would never do almost all of these things).

Change the ending

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

Fear not

Today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

Isaiah 4:10
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Crowd control

From Max Lucado's Daily Devotions

Exercise Crowd Control

Look over your shoulder. The crowd is one step back. They don't consult your strengths or know your story. Still, they seem to know more about your life than you do. They'll lead your life if you allow them.

Jesus didn't. "When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he told his followers to go on the other side of the lake" (Matthew 8:18). After a day of teaching, "Jesus left the crowd and went into the house" (Matthew 13:36). Christ repeatedly escaped the noise of the of the crowd in order to hear the voice of God. He resisted the undertow of people by anchoring to the rock of his purpose-employing his uniqueness to make a big deal out of God. Jesus said no to good things so he could say yes to the right thing-his unique call! And He calls on you and me to do likewise.

Only you

There is nothing more attractive than a man who only desires you...he craves your body, soul and heart, no one else's.

Crave

Did you ever crave someone? Not for ... But for their touch, kiss, voice, or even just presence.

Level maturity

Nothing is more attractive than a

 man who can face

 temptation and have

 the level maturity to say

 this isn't worth losing

 what I have.

Struggling

Just because you're struggling doesn't mean you're failing. Keep pressing.

Become her anyway

 Becoming the woman God

designed you to be

Will cost you friends,

relationships, plans, and

material things.

Become her anyway.

Never wish

Never wish them pain. That's not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That's what they need.

The poison of our minds

We drink the poison of our minds pour for us and wonder why we feel so sick.

Chance vs. change

Your life does not get better by chance
It gets better by change

Karma

You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you. That's why I am here.  -Karma

Breathing

She's not damaged by life, she's exhausted by it and she's not jaded either, she's just plain fed up, she's not depressed, she's not crazy and she certainly isn't drowning, but she is under water and she is holding her breath counting down backwards from ten to one hoping for someone or something to show her what breathing is really supposed to feel like.   -RJS (?)

Will not fail

From Psalm 46:5

God is within her,
She will not fail.

Labor is good

From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional

Scripture says, "There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good" (Ecclesiastes 2:24).

I just heard a groan. "But Max, my work is simply that-work! It pays my bills." "Job satisfaction? I have no clue how to find my skill." "Honor God? After the mess I've made of my life?"

Here's the big idea: Use your uniqueness to make a big deal out of God every day of your life. At the convergence of all three-what you do; why you do it; and where you do it-is the cure for the common life. It's your sweet spot! You have one, you know. Your life has a plot; your years have a theme. You can do something in a manner that no one else can. And when you find it and do it, another sweet spot is discovered!

Your sweet spot

I feel like I've already recorded this, but it was still saved in my phone.

From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional

Living In Your Sweet Spot
Are you living in your sweet spot? Doing what you do well-what you've always loved to do? That last question trips up a lot of folks. God wouldn't let me do what I like to do-would he? Yes, he would. "God is working in you to help you want to do and be able to do what pleases him" (Philippians 2:13). Scripture says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).

Your Father is too gracious to assign you to a life of misery. See your desires as gifts to heed rather than longings to suppress. What have you always done well and loved to do? Read your life backward. Re-relish your moments of success and satisfaction. In the merger of the two you will find your uniqueness!

Everlasting love

From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

Jeremiah 31:13
I have loved you with an everlasting love.

Beyond the mess

By Joel Osteen

You may not be there yet, but you have to look beyond the mess and see the masterpiece.

Under the earth

This was a Bible Gateway Verse of the Day. The above words stood out to me.

Philippians 2:9-11
Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Too much

You will be too much for some people. Too loud, too soft. Too this. Too that. But you'll always be perfect for the people who love you.

Unpopular opinion

Unpopular opinion:
I hate it when people say "he's still your dad", or "she's still your aunt"...just because someone is your family doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life if they're toxic or abusive. Blood means nothing sometimes. Don't let people guilt you into being in contact with someone who isn't good for your physical or mental health. Don't make yourself go through that much pain please.

Religion

Religion says: God will love us if we change.

The Gospel says: God's love changes us.

Commitment

Had this saved from Godly Woman Daily from an article about Christian marriage.

Commitment to vows. Christians that make a commitment to someone sometimes feel they have to keep their commitment or they are a bad witness. This can keep them in bad relationships when they would otherwise end the relationship. Your commitment has to first be to yourself. If you recognize at any point that a relationship isn't good for you, you need to end it, even if it is at the altar.

Really good feeling

Being told you mean a lot to someone is a really good feeling.

Supposed to feel

I think you need to fall in love with the wrong person, you need to fight, cry, sweat, bleed and fail. You need to have bad relationships and bad break-ups. I think you need all of that so when the right person comes along you sigh in relief and realize how it's supposed to feel.

Nothing you can do

There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you.

-Pastor Rick Warren

Your worth

You don't find your worth in a man. You find your worth within yourself and then find a man who's worthy of you. Remember that.

Genuinely happy

My only goal in life right now is to be genuinely happy.

Find someone

Find someone who will never stop choosing you.

Make sense

If it makes you happy it doesn't have to make sense to others.

Straight up

I'd rather hear the truth even if it hurts than to be lied to...straight up

Tired of doubting

You know what turns me on? Effort. Assurance. Show me you care. That you really want me. I'm tired of doubting whether people are coming or going.

Friendship

I used to think friendship was sleepovers and play dates. Now I know it's not. Friendship is three in the morning talks about what happened the day before and why the hell you're still awake. Friendship is three in the afternoon laughing so hard you're on the floor at a corny joke for the third time that day. Friendship is sitting there eating in silence because you would rather eat than talk (and they would too). Friendship is love in the strangest ways when all else is lost.

A bother

Being unappreciated is just the most painful thing ever. Like you put so much effort into making someone happy only to seem like a bother.

Around forever

They think you'll be around forever regardless of how they act...that's where they f... up...

Forget

Every girl deserves a guy that can make her heart forget that it was ever broken.

Their actions

Don't trust people's words, trust their actions.

Page one

From Winnie the Pooh

goodbye..?
oh no, please. Can't
we go back to page one
and do it all over
again?

Love isn't

From Winnie the Pooh

Love isn't what you say.
Love is what you do.

Who they want

I've seen men leave five-to-ten-year relationships, turn around and get married to a woman he's known for six months. And does all the things his ex always begged him to do. Word of advice, stop preaching to these men, they hear you. He's not going to ever be the man you want him to be because you're not the woman he wants to be with. People change for who they want! Period.

Right now

By Mark Hall, Casting Crowns

Serving God isn't this giant dream about something that will happen a year from now. It's not a goal He's going to have you fulfill in a month. It's right now.

Imagine

How loyal she is to you. How beautiful she is. Her hugs, corny jokes and how she teases you. Her crazy calls and texts to check up on you. Her unconditional love. Now imagine another man having all that.

Good for you

Choose a partner who

 is good for you. 

Not good for your parents.

Not good for your image.

Not good for your

bank account.

Choose someone

who's going to make

your life emotionally

fulfilling.

The one

I asked my dad how he knew Mom was the one. His response? "She was the girl who was always there. No matter what I did, she was there to love me even when I was less than loving. I took it for granted for a while. Then I realized she's what I needed for the rest of my life."

Betrayal

The saddest things about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.

Half

Don't judge me. You can't handle half of what I have survived.

Lay-away

You can't put a good woman on lay-way then expect her to be around when you finally wanna get your s... together. If you don't lock her down, the next man will.

I promise

Keep your head up; you are so much more than you believe. I promise.

I wish

I wish I could turn back the clock. I'd find you sooner and love you longer.

Self-destructive

Posted by Jennifer R. W.

Self love isn't always so poetic; sometimes it's a nice big triple back flip kick in the a... You've got to call yourself on your own nonsense; on the incredibly efficient way you can be self-destructive.

By Steve Maraboli

Single

Stay single until someone

 actually compliments your 

life in a way that makes it

better not to be single. 

If not.

It's not worth it.

Coming back to us

There's a Harry Potter marathon on this weekend and one of the characters said this at the end of The Order of the Phoenix:

My mom always said things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end. If not always in the way we expect.


(Character's name: Luna Lovegood)

Survivor

Saw this on Nora S.'s FB page

Unless you are a survivor of emotional abuse you have no idea what it means to fight daily battles in your head with a person you no longer have contact with.

Verbal, emotional and physical abuse have residual effects on the victim. You don't "just get over it."

Holding on

She is holding on,

but barely.

Gripping whatever she can to

keep it together for another day.

She doesn't think about next week

or next month, just today.

That's what she tells herself.

That's how she's gone this long.

Just keep it together,

today.

Wound

By Toby Mac

Be grateful for the wound that pushes you towards God.

Past in the past

If you don't leave

your past in the past, it

will destroy your

future.

Live for what 

today has to offer, not

what yesterday has

taken away.

NS

Know one?

Narcissistic Sociopath: They'll insult, belittle, and criticize you (sometimes in a teasing/joking way), pushing your boundaries until you finally speak up. Then they use your reactions to make you seem crazy. Within weeks, they can turn an easy-going person into a hot mess of insecurities and self-doubt.

Second chance

By Louie Giglio

If you're telling yourself you don't deserve a second chance from God, remind yourself you didn't deserve the first one, either.

Imagine

Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past not to punish you, but to understand how you needed to be loved.

Surround yourself

Surround yourself with people

who push you to do and be better.

No drama or negativity. Just higher

goals and higher motivation. Good 

times and positive energy. No

jealousy or hate.

Simply bringing out

the absolute best in

each other. 

Best revenge

From Marcus Aurelius

The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.

Nothing too hard

From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

Jeremiah 32:17
Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You.

Silence

I'd rather be alone than around chaos or confusion.
Silence beats drama any day.

Can't swim

I know I've posted this before, but good reminder

So I asked God,
"Why are you taking me through troubled water?"
He replied,
"Because your enemies can't swim."

If you're not the one

Heard this over the weekend. Haven't heard it for a long time. It's a really pretty song.

If You're Not the One

by Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?

If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?

If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings,

But I know that you are here with me now,

We'll make it through,

And I hope that you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand,

If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?

If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?

If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?

If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away,

But I know that this much is true,

We'll make it through,

And I hope you are the one I share my life with,

And I wish that you could be the one I die with,

And I pray that you're the one I build my home with,

I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away,

And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today.

'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,

And though I can't be with you tonight,

You know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it

I don't understand,

If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way I can stay in your arms?

Killing us

From Toby Mac

Sometimes we have to let go of what's killing us even if it's killing us to let go.


(Side note on this: It's not hard for me to let go of Bill but it's hard to end my marriage because I took it very seriously)

Not Christianity

Full offense but you can't be a Christian and hate gay people. You can't be a Christian and hate people of a different skin color. You can't be a Christian and hate people for living differently than you.

You can't be a Christian and hate people.

That's not Christianity.

One of them

From Toby Mac

There are 7.2 billion people in the world.

Why are you letting one of them ruin your life?

Irrelevant

By Rupi Kaur

You might not have been my first love but you were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant.

Losing you

Some people will learn how to respect you by losing you.

Good

C.S. Lewis

The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.

Answer

C.S. Lewis

I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?

Frailty

I must have stumbled on a lot of C.S. Lewis quotes at once

God always allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we'll appreciate the strength of His.

Look for Christ

By C.S. Lewis

Look for yourself and you will find loneliness and despair. But look for Christ and you will find Him and everything else.

Pain without stain

From C.S. Lewis again

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it not without pain but without stain.

Soul

Love this from C. S. Lewis

You don't have a soul.
You are a Soul.
You have a body.

I would rather

From C.S. Lewis

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of: for to have been born in God's thoughts and then made by God is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking.

By it I can see

By C.S. Lewis

I believe in Christ, like I believe in the sun-not because I can see it, but by it I can see.

Greatest ministry

Your greatest ministry will likely come out of your greatest hurt.

From Rick Warren

Ships

Ships don't sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.

Every single day

Not until you've lost a child do you know how it feels to be sad every single day...even when you experience joy.

Not to play

From Toby Mac

The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.

Betray you

Even the people who betray you are part of the plan.
Jesus couldn't get to the cross without Judas.

Until we meet again

Christians never say "Good-Bye"
Just "Until we meet again"

Love

LOVE is when a MAN wipes away your tears, even after you left Him hanging on the cross for your sins.

As for God

From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day

Psalm 18:30
As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

By no means

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day from last week

Matthew 24:35
Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away.

Rest in this

If you think you've blown God's plan for your life, rest in this.
You, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful.

Painful truth

This is a little dark overall...

Life asked death,
Why do people love me,
but hate you?

Death responded
Because you are a beautiful lie
and I am a painful truth.