A true relationship
is two imperfect people
refusing to give up on
each other.
Friday, March 22, 2019
Just the moon
This phrase has always bugged me. Maybe this is why...
But I love you
so much more than
just to the moon
and back.
For the kids
Staying together
for the kids will not do them
any favors when they have to
live in a home filled with
negative energy and a
lack of love.
Won't let go
Sometimes, the only
reason why you won't
let go of what's making
you sad is because it
was the only thing
that made you happy.
Choose you
I will choose you
even when you make me mad. My
love for you won't fade simply
because we are angry. I know we
will fight, we will be frustrated, we
will be human. Still, I will go to
battle for you. Still I will choose
you. I will choose you. And keep
choosing you, every
single day.
Another woman
The narcissist she loved...
with all her heart...
but he was unable to love anyone or
anything except himself. He made promises
that he never meant to keep. He talked
about a future he knew would never happen.
He knew he was inflicting pain and didn't
care.
He had a darkness of soul like she had never
seen. His eyes turned cold and dark and his
speech ugly and painful. He drove her to
near madness, and then laughed at her pain,
and left her broken and bleeding. Now, he's
doing the same thing to another woman.
Good hearts
Here is the thing about people with good hearts.
They give you excuses when you don't explain
yourself. They accept apologies you don't give.
They see the best in you when you don't need
them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even
if it means putting their priorities aside. The
word "busy" doesn't exist in their dictionary.
They make time, even when you don't. And you
wonder why they are the most sensitive people.
You wonder why they are the most caring people.
You wonder why they are willing to give so
much of themselves with no expectation in
return. You wonder why their existence is not so
essential to your well-being. It's because
they don't make you work hard for the attention
they give you. They accept the love they think
they've earned and you accept the love you
think you're entitled to. Let me tell you
something. Fear the day when a good heart gives
up on you. Our skies don't become gray out of
nowhere. Our sunshine doesn't allow the
darkness to take over for no reason. A good
heart doesn't turn cold unless it's been treated
with coldness for a while.
-Naiwa Zebian
Kind of girl
I'm the kind of girl
Who is quiet in large groups or around
people I don't know; you only see the real
me if we're close. I smile and laugh a lot,
especially at the most inappropriate times.
I'm a hopeless romantic.
I trip over air, up stairs, and over
people's feet. I am the hardest person
to offend, but it is all too easy to make me
feel horrible. I hate telling people about
my problems; they don't need
to worry about me.
I'm the one who listens to other people's
problems. I believe people should not be
judged before one takes the time to get to
know them, yet I am guilty of doing
that exact thing.
I love to think rather than talk.
I'm awkward, clumsy, shy, strange...
but this is me. Take it or leave it.
Peaceful place
It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation. One day you just realize that you're no longer upset. You're no longer mad, hurt, or bothered by the things that took so much of your energy and thoughts. You will find yourself in a peaceful place and enjoy that feeling.
Love is still there
But in all the sadness,
when you feel like your heart is empty and lacking.
You've got to remember, that grief isn't the absence of love.
Grief is the proof that love is still there.
when you feel like your heart is empty and lacking.
You've got to remember, that grief isn't the absence of love.
Grief is the proof that love is still there.
Blessed
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is in the Lord.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is in the Lord.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
True colors
The best thing about the worst time of your life is that you get to see the true colors of everyone.
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Q & A
from Flying Free
Always helpful...
Why do you think longtime church friends refuse to help when the wife starts telling the truth, and shun her, but end up helping the abusive husband instead? Why does the church refuse to acknowledge that this is a serious problem, and take real steps to address it? Why is there no church discipline?
1. There are two different worldviews at play here. In one worldview, women are relegated to underling status - created only to serve under a man and not a whole lot more. In that worldview it isn't proper for a woman to protest her lot in life. Men are innately deserving of royal treatment from their woman (a married woman is viewed as the property or extension of the husband), and if they are unhappy or cruel or rude or abusive, the issue lies with the woman. She isn't doing her job to make him happy. If she were more submissive, happier, kept the home cleaner, kept the kids quieter, read her husband's mind, and never gave him feedback, then maybe he'd be nicer to her. Everyone who buys into this worldview will be upset when you buck the status quo. Your friends support the husband because they believe he is the right and you are in the wrong. Period.
2. The church preaches the worldview.
3. The church DOES discipline one of the parties. The female who bucks their system. She is usually the one who is kicked out.
4. It's a spiritually abusive environment - and the answer is not to try to change others - the church or your friends or the abuser. The answer lies in changing yourself and moving away from groups and institutions that teach that worldview. Study for yourself. Read the book of John.
Should I tell my spouse my plans for leaving and/or filing for divorce?
I think the answer to this is going to be different for different people. I think it is good to take things slowly and in increments to avoid a huge blow-up. One suggestion is to say that you are moving out to give yourself some space and time to think through what you can and can't handle anymore in the marriage. If you are leaving yourself, this is all you need to say, if anything. If you want him to move out - then you'll need outside help. Most abusive men will not just move out because you asked them (my experience).
After some time has passed you can file for divorce if you want - and when they are served papers that is their message. OR, you can tell them in advance if you have a good reason for doing so. Often when you give an abusive person a heads up about your plans, they will do things to thwart those plans, so it isn't always the best idea. It really depends on you and that person and your circumstances.
Do you think, when deciding whether to reconcile or divorce (after months of separating, watching, weighing, etc) that it is possible to be absolutely sure you're making the right decision. In other words...is it reasonable/plausible/realistic to think/wait for that absolute feeling?
I think it is. But having that absolute feeling is NOT the same as WANTING absolutely to do it. We often know in our gut what we should do - but we don't want to do it, so we rationalize it away. I DO encourage women to make sure they are sure of their choice before jumping off that cliff - because the consequences are extremely painful - and the way out will take Herculean effort in many cases. You need to have that confidence and resolve in order to get all the way from point A to point B. I waited - longer than I probably should have - to be certain. But when I made that decision, I knew I would never look back. And I never did. You want to be at that place, and it definitely takes time. Be patient with yourself and let the process unfold naturally.
How do I know if he is changing this time, he is getting counseling and the church has talked to him, not to me though. He is doing "some" things to show he is trying, but this has been what he does for the past 23 years. He is a chronic liar. He cheats me and the family out of money and his time. I do and don't want to believe again. I am SOOOOO very tired of being on this roller coaster and want off desperately. Trying to hold on but there is not much left and I have no more strength.
First of all, you and your church cannot force a person to change. That is an unhealthy crossing of boundaries. You are responsible for you. It is a tragic situation that many churches will reach out to the abusive spouse to help "force" them to change rather than giving their energy and resources to women and children who are trying to recover from the abuse. Our job as believers is to minister to the people who come to us for help. Not force people who don't want help to change. Because here's the deal. Change only happens for real when a person pursues and desires it for themselves. Conviction that leads to real repentance and real change has to come from inside a person - not from external pressure. External pressure will force an abuser to change on the outside - go through hoops- in order to maintain their reputation and their control. It's all about image management at that point.
The reason you wonder if you can trust him this time is because he is a liar and a cheat. You can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. That's not your issue. That's a normal result of what happens in a relationship where one person chronically lies and cheats. The question you should be asking yourself is not whether or not you can trust that he's changing. Because the answer to that is NO. The question you should be asking is what YOU are going to do about the fact you can't trust him. How is that going to impact your future? You get to decide that. Not your lying, cheating spouse. Not your religious community. YOU are the one who has to live with the consequences of being in close proximity to a liar and a cheater. So YOU get to decide what to do about that. How do you know when it's time to walk away and never look back? How do you find the strength and courage to do so...
Do these three things:
1. Remind yourself over and over that the past is the best predictor of the future. Abuse is a cycle. It has a good side and a bad side. Of course, abuse is all bad, but the good side is what hooks you in. If you can remember that the good part of the cycle is a worm on a hook, you'll stop seeing it as good. Just because an abuser has a good day (and that's usually when everything is going his way) doesn't mean he's fixed.
2. Set up some boundaries, implement them, and watch what happens when you stick to your guns. All hell usually breaks loose. Sometimes this is all it takes to open your eyes to the reality of the abuse and give you the motivation and momentum to do something about it for yourself.
3. Walking away is tricky and horrifically painful on every level. I wrote a blog post about how it's like climbing out of a pit on a hot ladder. Every step hurts. But the alternative is to stay at the bottom of the pit. You get to decide when you've had enough and when you're ready for the painful journey.
My husband left a few weeks ago after I set up some boundaries that made him very angry. I thought about sending him links to Patrick Doyle's videos on abusive relationships and what real repentance looks like while he is away; however, I just watched you video from the link in this email and you suggest not sending husbands information as they will turn it back on you. My question, finally, is could these videos help paint a clearer picture to him, and help me communicate, that I'm not willing to go on unless we seek individual counseling to see if change is possible?
When you begin to set boundaries with an abuser, the abuse cycle will intensify, yes. Absolutely. You want to know if you should send your husband some helpful videos to communicate your belief that you both need to work on YOURSELVES. My advice to you is NO. It's not your responsibility to spoon feed a person who has historically been closed to all personal feedback from you. He's made it clear what he likes and doesn't like. Why violate his boundaries in this area? You gleaned wisdom from PD videos? Awesome. Your abuser is a big boy. If he wanted help, he's be Googling information and help just like you did. The fact is, he doesn't want help. Don't give pearls to a fool. I recommend simply stating in as few words as possible with as little emotions as possible what your plans are. Just say, "I am no longer going to tolerate your abusive treatment. I'm getting help for myself to recover and heal. What you choose to do is your business. But if you continue to treat the kids and me abusively, I will take steps to deal with that in a legal manner. It may mean that our marriage will not last. I don't plan to warn you about this any further."
Why do I feel attachment to my husband and why don't I feel relief? Does this mean that I should go back to him?
What you are experiencing is trauma bonding, which basically means that you are physiologically addicted to that person. Chemicals like dopamine and serotonin along with stress chemicals get released in your body system during the different parts of the abuse cycle, and your body becomes addicted to those rushes. Getting away requires a time of detox which includes intense withdrawal symptoms. But once you've successfully gone through that process, you will be in a place where you can see clearly and make better decisions for yourself and move on with confidence and hope.
How do I learn to not be so critical of myself when I go backwards?
This is a personal growth thing. Human beings are naturally judgy and critical. We hate on ourselves and we hate on others. This is the opposite of what God intended. When we truly see ourselves through the eyes of our Father God, we relax and rest, knowing we are fully loved and fully safe no matter what we do. No matter how many mistakes we make or how many times we regress. In Flying Free we work on self-compassion and care. We cannot love others fully and with vulnerability if we hate ourselves. When we know we are safe, we then create safe places for others. This is growing up to the fullness of Christ in us.
How can I forgive myself? For marrying him in the first place? For divorcing him? How can I live the rest of my life without being oppressed by guilt, thinking I must have sinned because some Christians believe abuse isn't biblical grounds for divorce, but knowing that I was dying and I HAD to get out?
You feel guilty because you believe, deep down, that you've done something wrong. You can't forgive yourself because you feel no forgiveness from God. You are basically believing what other selfish and sinful human beings are telling you. But that's not what God tells us in His Word. People love to lay law on others. Remember the judgy, critical nature of humans? Jesus Christ took all your sin on Himself so you would no longer need to bear it. You can let go and leave it at the cross. His righteousness is now imputed to YOU. That means when God the Father looks at you, He sees all the holiness of God the Son looking back. It's a miracle! And one you can embrace and walk FREE in! You were not made to remain a caterpillar crawling on the ground. Jesus died so you could be transformed into a beautiful butterfly.
I had no contact, but we have children. We are in the middle of the divorce now, but the kids are having to deal with him directly. My 14-year-old is no longer wanting to see him because of the emotional damage she is experiencing. Our younger children don't understand yet. There is a GAL involved, but it takes time. How do I protect our children?
Your goal is to focus on your OWN parenting. You can't do anything about how your ex parents. What you need to do is practice empathetic parenting. Your kids will not be getting empathy from their father, so you get to do double duty parenting in this area. Empathy is extremely important for a human's healthy mental and psychological development. All people need to feel on a deep level that they are HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. If you can hear and validate your child's emotional world, they will trust you and be safe with you. Remember that we deal with our children's FEELINGS before we can solve problems. The child needs to feel valued for who they are, not what they do.
When you parent with empathy, you are in tune to your children's emotions all the time. You validate their feelings. When they come to you with something hurtful their dad did, simply listen and sit with them in the chaos of their emotions.
Don't coddle them and don't add gasoline to the fire of their drama. Be the adult. Stay calm. Stay in control. Teach them healthy boundary skills. For example. a daughter came home one weekend and said her dad kept kicking the back of her chair. She asked him to stop (and of course you never ask a narc to stop doing what they want to do) so he kept doing it and verbally attacked her by saying, "You're so crabby. What's the big deal? You're always such a crank." She calmly stated again, "Dad, I'm not crabby right now. I just don't want you to kick my chair." Of course, he didn't hear her at all, but at least she did her part. She spoke the truth out loud to herself, even if her dad was unwilling to see her as a separate person and respect her wishes to not have her chair kicked. Teaching your kids healthy boundaries will serve them well when they grow up and move on with their lives. They will undoubtedly meet other narcissistic people in the workplace and elsewhere. Hopefully they will be better at spotting them and dealing with them than we were.
Always helpful...
Why do you think longtime church friends refuse to help when the wife starts telling the truth, and shun her, but end up helping the abusive husband instead? Why does the church refuse to acknowledge that this is a serious problem, and take real steps to address it? Why is there no church discipline?
1. There are two different worldviews at play here. In one worldview, women are relegated to underling status - created only to serve under a man and not a whole lot more. In that worldview it isn't proper for a woman to protest her lot in life. Men are innately deserving of royal treatment from their woman (a married woman is viewed as the property or extension of the husband), and if they are unhappy or cruel or rude or abusive, the issue lies with the woman. She isn't doing her job to make him happy. If she were more submissive, happier, kept the home cleaner, kept the kids quieter, read her husband's mind, and never gave him feedback, then maybe he'd be nicer to her. Everyone who buys into this worldview will be upset when you buck the status quo. Your friends support the husband because they believe he is the right and you are in the wrong. Period.
2. The church preaches the worldview.
3. The church DOES discipline one of the parties. The female who bucks their system. She is usually the one who is kicked out.
4. It's a spiritually abusive environment - and the answer is not to try to change others - the church or your friends or the abuser. The answer lies in changing yourself and moving away from groups and institutions that teach that worldview. Study for yourself. Read the book of John.
Should I tell my spouse my plans for leaving and/or filing for divorce?
I think the answer to this is going to be different for different people. I think it is good to take things slowly and in increments to avoid a huge blow-up. One suggestion is to say that you are moving out to give yourself some space and time to think through what you can and can't handle anymore in the marriage. If you are leaving yourself, this is all you need to say, if anything. If you want him to move out - then you'll need outside help. Most abusive men will not just move out because you asked them (my experience).
After some time has passed you can file for divorce if you want - and when they are served papers that is their message. OR, you can tell them in advance if you have a good reason for doing so. Often when you give an abusive person a heads up about your plans, they will do things to thwart those plans, so it isn't always the best idea. It really depends on you and that person and your circumstances.
Do you think, when deciding whether to reconcile or divorce (after months of separating, watching, weighing, etc) that it is possible to be absolutely sure you're making the right decision. In other words...is it reasonable/plausible/realistic to think/wait for that absolute feeling?
I think it is. But having that absolute feeling is NOT the same as WANTING absolutely to do it. We often know in our gut what we should do - but we don't want to do it, so we rationalize it away. I DO encourage women to make sure they are sure of their choice before jumping off that cliff - because the consequences are extremely painful - and the way out will take Herculean effort in many cases. You need to have that confidence and resolve in order to get all the way from point A to point B. I waited - longer than I probably should have - to be certain. But when I made that decision, I knew I would never look back. And I never did. You want to be at that place, and it definitely takes time. Be patient with yourself and let the process unfold naturally.
How do I know if he is changing this time, he is getting counseling and the church has talked to him, not to me though. He is doing "some" things to show he is trying, but this has been what he does for the past 23 years. He is a chronic liar. He cheats me and the family out of money and his time. I do and don't want to believe again. I am SOOOOO very tired of being on this roller coaster and want off desperately. Trying to hold on but there is not much left and I have no more strength.
First of all, you and your church cannot force a person to change. That is an unhealthy crossing of boundaries. You are responsible for you. It is a tragic situation that many churches will reach out to the abusive spouse to help "force" them to change rather than giving their energy and resources to women and children who are trying to recover from the abuse. Our job as believers is to minister to the people who come to us for help. Not force people who don't want help to change. Because here's the deal. Change only happens for real when a person pursues and desires it for themselves. Conviction that leads to real repentance and real change has to come from inside a person - not from external pressure. External pressure will force an abuser to change on the outside - go through hoops- in order to maintain their reputation and their control. It's all about image management at that point.
The reason you wonder if you can trust him this time is because he is a liar and a cheat. You can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. That's not your issue. That's a normal result of what happens in a relationship where one person chronically lies and cheats. The question you should be asking yourself is not whether or not you can trust that he's changing. Because the answer to that is NO. The question you should be asking is what YOU are going to do about the fact you can't trust him. How is that going to impact your future? You get to decide that. Not your lying, cheating spouse. Not your religious community. YOU are the one who has to live with the consequences of being in close proximity to a liar and a cheater. So YOU get to decide what to do about that. How do you know when it's time to walk away and never look back? How do you find the strength and courage to do so...
Do these three things:
1. Remind yourself over and over that the past is the best predictor of the future. Abuse is a cycle. It has a good side and a bad side. Of course, abuse is all bad, but the good side is what hooks you in. If you can remember that the good part of the cycle is a worm on a hook, you'll stop seeing it as good. Just because an abuser has a good day (and that's usually when everything is going his way) doesn't mean he's fixed.
2. Set up some boundaries, implement them, and watch what happens when you stick to your guns. All hell usually breaks loose. Sometimes this is all it takes to open your eyes to the reality of the abuse and give you the motivation and momentum to do something about it for yourself.
3. Walking away is tricky and horrifically painful on every level. I wrote a blog post about how it's like climbing out of a pit on a hot ladder. Every step hurts. But the alternative is to stay at the bottom of the pit. You get to decide when you've had enough and when you're ready for the painful journey.
My husband left a few weeks ago after I set up some boundaries that made him very angry. I thought about sending him links to Patrick Doyle's videos on abusive relationships and what real repentance looks like while he is away; however, I just watched you video from the link in this email and you suggest not sending husbands information as they will turn it back on you. My question, finally, is could these videos help paint a clearer picture to him, and help me communicate, that I'm not willing to go on unless we seek individual counseling to see if change is possible?
When you begin to set boundaries with an abuser, the abuse cycle will intensify, yes. Absolutely. You want to know if you should send your husband some helpful videos to communicate your belief that you both need to work on YOURSELVES. My advice to you is NO. It's not your responsibility to spoon feed a person who has historically been closed to all personal feedback from you. He's made it clear what he likes and doesn't like. Why violate his boundaries in this area? You gleaned wisdom from PD videos? Awesome. Your abuser is a big boy. If he wanted help, he's be Googling information and help just like you did. The fact is, he doesn't want help. Don't give pearls to a fool. I recommend simply stating in as few words as possible with as little emotions as possible what your plans are. Just say, "I am no longer going to tolerate your abusive treatment. I'm getting help for myself to recover and heal. What you choose to do is your business. But if you continue to treat the kids and me abusively, I will take steps to deal with that in a legal manner. It may mean that our marriage will not last. I don't plan to warn you about this any further."
Why do I feel attachment to my husband and why don't I feel relief? Does this mean that I should go back to him?
What you are experiencing is trauma bonding, which basically means that you are physiologically addicted to that person. Chemicals like dopamine and serotonin along with stress chemicals get released in your body system during the different parts of the abuse cycle, and your body becomes addicted to those rushes. Getting away requires a time of detox which includes intense withdrawal symptoms. But once you've successfully gone through that process, you will be in a place where you can see clearly and make better decisions for yourself and move on with confidence and hope.
How do I learn to not be so critical of myself when I go backwards?
This is a personal growth thing. Human beings are naturally judgy and critical. We hate on ourselves and we hate on others. This is the opposite of what God intended. When we truly see ourselves through the eyes of our Father God, we relax and rest, knowing we are fully loved and fully safe no matter what we do. No matter how many mistakes we make or how many times we regress. In Flying Free we work on self-compassion and care. We cannot love others fully and with vulnerability if we hate ourselves. When we know we are safe, we then create safe places for others. This is growing up to the fullness of Christ in us.
How can I forgive myself? For marrying him in the first place? For divorcing him? How can I live the rest of my life without being oppressed by guilt, thinking I must have sinned because some Christians believe abuse isn't biblical grounds for divorce, but knowing that I was dying and I HAD to get out?
You feel guilty because you believe, deep down, that you've done something wrong. You can't forgive yourself because you feel no forgiveness from God. You are basically believing what other selfish and sinful human beings are telling you. But that's not what God tells us in His Word. People love to lay law on others. Remember the judgy, critical nature of humans? Jesus Christ took all your sin on Himself so you would no longer need to bear it. You can let go and leave it at the cross. His righteousness is now imputed to YOU. That means when God the Father looks at you, He sees all the holiness of God the Son looking back. It's a miracle! And one you can embrace and walk FREE in! You were not made to remain a caterpillar crawling on the ground. Jesus died so you could be transformed into a beautiful butterfly.
I had no contact, but we have children. We are in the middle of the divorce now, but the kids are having to deal with him directly. My 14-year-old is no longer wanting to see him because of the emotional damage she is experiencing. Our younger children don't understand yet. There is a GAL involved, but it takes time. How do I protect our children?
Your goal is to focus on your OWN parenting. You can't do anything about how your ex parents. What you need to do is practice empathetic parenting. Your kids will not be getting empathy from their father, so you get to do double duty parenting in this area. Empathy is extremely important for a human's healthy mental and psychological development. All people need to feel on a deep level that they are HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. If you can hear and validate your child's emotional world, they will trust you and be safe with you. Remember that we deal with our children's FEELINGS before we can solve problems. The child needs to feel valued for who they are, not what they do.
When you parent with empathy, you are in tune to your children's emotions all the time. You validate their feelings. When they come to you with something hurtful their dad did, simply listen and sit with them in the chaos of their emotions.
Don't coddle them and don't add gasoline to the fire of their drama. Be the adult. Stay calm. Stay in control. Teach them healthy boundary skills. For example. a daughter came home one weekend and said her dad kept kicking the back of her chair. She asked him to stop (and of course you never ask a narc to stop doing what they want to do) so he kept doing it and verbally attacked her by saying, "You're so crabby. What's the big deal? You're always such a crank." She calmly stated again, "Dad, I'm not crabby right now. I just don't want you to kick my chair." Of course, he didn't hear her at all, but at least she did her part. She spoke the truth out loud to herself, even if her dad was unwilling to see her as a separate person and respect her wishes to not have her chair kicked. Teaching your kids healthy boundaries will serve them well when they grow up and move on with their lives. They will undoubtedly meet other narcissistic people in the workplace and elsewhere. Hopefully they will be better at spotting them and dealing with them than we were.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Soulmate
A soulmate is someone who challenges you to be better, someone who can't stand seeing you sad, someone who stays faithful, loyal and committed to you, someone who helps take care of you when you're sick, someone who stands by your side through the good days and the bad days, and someone who wants to grow old and gray with you.
Miles
Sometimes, the people who are thousands of miles away from you, can make you feel better than the people right beside you.
Reasons to smile
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
The victim
A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim and innocent in all aspects.
They will be offended by the truth.
But what is done in the dark, will come to light.
Time has a way of showing people's true colors.
Compassion of the wicked
from Flying Free
When you're tempted to believe his "niceness" remember, he's just re-grooming you.
"Even the compassion of the wicked is cruel." (Proverbs 12:10)
When you're tempted to believe his "niceness" remember, he's just re-grooming you.
"Even the compassion of the wicked is cruel." (Proverbs 12:10)
Someone somewhere
by Toby Mac
Someone somewhere is depending on you to do what God has called you to do.
Someone somewhere is depending on you to do what God has called you to do.
Dangerously awesome
Love that term...
When you truly don't care what anyone thinks of you,
you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Abound
from Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Romans 15:13
Now may the Lord God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
Now may the Lord God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Character
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Colossian 3:12
Character of the New Man
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;
Colossian 3:12
Character of the New Man
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;
Notion of grief
by Gwen Flowers
Heard this a while ago, but good reminder
Heard this a while ago, but good reminder
I had my own notion of grief. I thought it
was the sad time that followed the death of
someone you love.
And you have to push through it to get to the
other side. But I am learning that there is no
other side.
There is no pushing through. But rather,
there is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete, but
rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to
finish and move on, but an element of
yourself - an altering of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
Princes
by Neil Gaiman
You don't need
princes to
save you.
I don't have a lot of
patience
for stories in which
women are
rescued by men.
True self-care
True self-care is not
(warm) baths and chocolate
cake. It is making the
choice to build a life
you don't need to
regularly escape from.
Sorrow remains
by Joseph P. Kennedy
When the young bury
the old, time heals
the pain and sorrow.
But when the process
is reversed, the sorrow
remains forever.
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Wake up
One day you will wake up
and all of a sudden the weight of
the last few weeks, monthsor
even years will be lifted off your
shoulders. You can't control
when that day comes, all you can
do is stay strong and trust that it
is coming.
Stop/start
Stop hating yourself
for everything you aren't.
Start loving yourself
for everything that you are.
for everything you aren't.
Start loving yourself
for everything that you are.
On the cross
by John MacArthur
On the cross,
God treated Christ
as if He has lived
my life of sin,
so that He could treat me
as if I had lived
Christ's life
of righteousness.
On the cross,
God treated Christ
as if He has lived
my life of sin,
so that He could treat me
as if I had lived
Christ's life
of righteousness.
Wasted
I know people who feel like they've wasted years of their lives because of poor choices. They spent years in a relationship that was toxic, years with an addiction, years at a job where they weren't fulfilled. But you have to realize, nothing you have been through is ever wasted. Your past experiences, good and bad, have deposited something on the inside of you. These challenges have sharpened you, to make you who you are today.
Good for you
Choose a partner who
is good for you.
Not good for your
parents. Not good for
your image. Not good
for your bank account.
Choose someone who's
going to make your life
emotionally fulfilling.
Deserve more
I pray that you quit
over thinking,
replaying old scenarios,
feeding self doubt,
and seeing the good in
everyone but yourself.
You deserve more.
Worst feeling
The worst feeling is when
you find out you didn't mean
as much to someone as you
thought you did and you look
stupid for caring
too much.
One day
from Toby Mac
God created heaven
and earth in six
days, who's to say
he cannot change
your life in one.
God created heaven
and earth in six
days, who's to say
he cannot change
your life in one.
Friday, March 15, 2019
Clean slate
from Greg Laurie
A Clean Slate
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. -2 Corinthians 5:17
What does it mean to be saved? As Christians we use the word a lot, but do we understand it? Romans 10 tells us, "If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved" (verses 9-10).
One of the great benefits of salvation is that God justifies us. One aspect of justification means that God has forgiven us of all our sin. Even more, He has removed all the evidence of our sin as well. That's important, because we've all done things we wish we hadn't. We've all said things we wish we hadn't. But God will forgive our sin if we repent of it.
Not only does God forgive us, but then He forgets our sin. God says in Hebrews 10:17, "I will never again remember their sins and lawless deeds". God is omniscient, which means that He knows all things. It doesn't mean that God is literally forgetting things. It means that He's choosing not to hold those things against us. God is saying, "I choose to no longer remember the thing you did that was a sin against me and an affront to me."
In this passage from The Message version, God says, "They'll look high and low for a sign of Israel's guilt - nothing; search nook and cranny for a trace of Judah's sin - nothing. These people that I've saved will start out with a clean slate" (Jeremiah 50:20).
That's what God does for us. That's what it means to be saved. We have a clean slate. Our sin is removed.
A Clean Slate
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. -2 Corinthians 5:17
What does it mean to be saved? As Christians we use the word a lot, but do we understand it? Romans 10 tells us, "If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved" (verses 9-10).
One of the great benefits of salvation is that God justifies us. One aspect of justification means that God has forgiven us of all our sin. Even more, He has removed all the evidence of our sin as well. That's important, because we've all done things we wish we hadn't. We've all said things we wish we hadn't. But God will forgive our sin if we repent of it.
Not only does God forgive us, but then He forgets our sin. God says in Hebrews 10:17, "I will never again remember their sins and lawless deeds". God is omniscient, which means that He knows all things. It doesn't mean that God is literally forgetting things. It means that He's choosing not to hold those things against us. God is saying, "I choose to no longer remember the thing you did that was a sin against me and an affront to me."
In this passage from The Message version, God says, "They'll look high and low for a sign of Israel's guilt - nothing; search nook and cranny for a trace of Judah's sin - nothing. These people that I've saved will start out with a clean slate" (Jeremiah 50:20).
That's what God does for us. That's what it means to be saved. We have a clean slate. Our sin is removed.
So great
from Greg Laurie
So Great a Salvation
How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation, which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed to us by those who heard Him, God always bearing witness with signs and wonders, with various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit, according to His own will?
-Hebrews 2:3-4
About $2 billion worth of lottery prizes go unclaimed each year, according to researchers. (By the way, that isn't an endorsement of the lottery.) God has given us something far greater than a lottery ticket, something worth far more than millions and millions of dollars. It is salvation.
No wonder the Bible calls it "so great a salvation" (Hebrews 2:3). God has placed the righteousness of Jesus Christ into our spiritual bank accounts, so to speak. This is true of every Christian. The apostle Paul wrote, "For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith" (Philippians 3:8-9).
As Christians, we are positionally righteous before God. The day you believed, He removed your sin. He forgave your sin. He forgot your sin. He removed every trace of your sin, and He put the righteousness of Jesus Christ in its place. That is what it means to be justified.
What we want to do is take hold of, or live out, what God has given to us. Sometimes we don't see the impact of salvation on a believer's lifestyle or on their choices. They may say, "Yes, I love the Lord," but then they do things that seem to contradict that. They may say, "Oh yes, I am saved," but then we wonder whether they really are.
If a person has really met God, there will be evidence in his or her life. If a person has really come into this encounter with Jesus Christ, others will see the result of it.
So Great a Salvation
How shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation, which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed to us by those who heard Him, God always bearing witness with signs and wonders, with various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit, according to His own will?
-Hebrews 2:3-4
About $2 billion worth of lottery prizes go unclaimed each year, according to researchers. (By the way, that isn't an endorsement of the lottery.) God has given us something far greater than a lottery ticket, something worth far more than millions and millions of dollars. It is salvation.
No wonder the Bible calls it "so great a salvation" (Hebrews 2:3). God has placed the righteousness of Jesus Christ into our spiritual bank accounts, so to speak. This is true of every Christian. The apostle Paul wrote, "For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith" (Philippians 3:8-9).
As Christians, we are positionally righteous before God. The day you believed, He removed your sin. He forgave your sin. He forgot your sin. He removed every trace of your sin, and He put the righteousness of Jesus Christ in its place. That is what it means to be justified.
What we want to do is take hold of, or live out, what God has given to us. Sometimes we don't see the impact of salvation on a believer's lifestyle or on their choices. They may say, "Yes, I love the Lord," but then they do things that seem to contradict that. They may say, "Oh yes, I am saved," but then we wonder whether they really are.
If a person has really met God, there will be evidence in his or her life. If a person has really come into this encounter with Jesus Christ, others will see the result of it.
Not fair
from Greg Laurie
That's Not Fair!
This is what the Lord says - the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: "Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? -Isaiah 45:11
With five grandkids, I've found that when I buy them gifts, they must be the same. If I get my granddaughters necklaces, they must be identical. If one necklace even varies even a little from the others, then somehow in their minds, that is the better necklace. For my one grandson, I need to choose something that is somehow equal to the gift I've chosen for my granddaughters. And if there's any perceived favoritism, they'll say, "Papa, that's not fair!"
We say the same thing to God. That's not fair! Why don't I have that? Why am I single and all my friends are married? Why can't my wife and I conceive children when others have so many? Why is our child a prodigal and theirs is not? Why do I have this horrible illness when all of my friends are so healthy? The list goes on.
We don't know why things happen to us. Some would suggest that we should never ask God why, because it's a lack of faith.
No, it isn't. Ask away. Ask God why. Don't expect an answer, but ask if you like. Even Jesus cried out from the cross, "My God, My God, why have You abandoned Me?" (Matthew 27:46)
God blessed my wife and me with two sons. One is in Heaven, and one is here serving the Lord. We are very proud of our Jonathon, yet we wish that Christopher were with us too. But I don't get to make that decision.
Am I disappointed with God? Absolutely not. I'm not in the explaining business; I'm in the trusting and praying business. I know God is in control. I know His plans for me are better than my plans for myself. And I know that one day, all of my questions will be answered.
That's Not Fair!
This is what the Lord says - the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: "Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? -Isaiah 45:11
With five grandkids, I've found that when I buy them gifts, they must be the same. If I get my granddaughters necklaces, they must be identical. If one necklace even varies even a little from the others, then somehow in their minds, that is the better necklace. For my one grandson, I need to choose something that is somehow equal to the gift I've chosen for my granddaughters. And if there's any perceived favoritism, they'll say, "Papa, that's not fair!"
We say the same thing to God. That's not fair! Why don't I have that? Why am I single and all my friends are married? Why can't my wife and I conceive children when others have so many? Why is our child a prodigal and theirs is not? Why do I have this horrible illness when all of my friends are so healthy? The list goes on.
We don't know why things happen to us. Some would suggest that we should never ask God why, because it's a lack of faith.
No, it isn't. Ask away. Ask God why. Don't expect an answer, but ask if you like. Even Jesus cried out from the cross, "My God, My God, why have You abandoned Me?" (Matthew 27:46)
God blessed my wife and me with two sons. One is in Heaven, and one is here serving the Lord. We are very proud of our Jonathon, yet we wish that Christopher were with us too. But I don't get to make that decision.
Am I disappointed with God? Absolutely not. I'm not in the explaining business; I'm in the trusting and praying business. I know God is in control. I know His plans for me are better than my plans for myself. And I know that one day, all of my questions will be answered.
Survivor
by Simi Fromen
Sharing your
story is not a
mindset of being
a victim.
Speaking your truth
is the most
courageous
act you can
do and one
of a survivor.
Never been closer
from Greg Laurie
When we're going through a crisis, we're dependent on God. Maybe it's even one of the best times of our lives spiritually because we've never been closer to Christ.
When we're going through a crisis, we're dependent on God. Maybe it's even one of the best times of our lives spiritually because we've never been closer to Christ.
Change you
My own words for a change...
If He doesn't change the situation, He will change you instead.
If He doesn't change the situation, He will change you instead.
No other Name
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Acts 4: 10, 12
let it be known to you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead, by Him this man stands here before you whole. Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which men must be saved.
Acts 4: 10, 12
let it be known to you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead, by Him this man stands here before you whole. Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which men must be saved.
Gold mine
by Greg Laurie
Our Spiritual Gold Mine
For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. -Philippians 2:13
During the California Gold Rush of the mid-1800's, people came from around the nation, even the world, to find their fortune. I think people thought the gold was just lying around on the streets. But they had to go and mine it and work at it in hopes of discovering the mother lode.
When the apostle Paul wrote, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12), he was saying it's like a mine. Go and discover all that God has done for you.. Extract it. Live it out. Understand it. Appreciate it. Find out what it actually means for you.
This means working out our own salvation with self-distrust. We come with a reverence for God and a distrust of ourselves. We can't do this in our own strength. Paul continues, "For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (verse 13)
Some people say, "God does it all. I do nothing." Others say, "I do it all and God does nothing." Both of these views are wrong. God does it through you as you mine it and discover it for yourself. Work out your own salvation with self-distrust, for it is God who is working in you.
The phrase "fear and trembling" doesn't mean that Paul is suggesting we can lose our salvation. You can make a recommitment to Christ if you need to, but once you have eternal life, it is a gift to you from God. You are born again once.
The devil loves to challenge what God has said. We must stand on the promises of God and not our emotions, because our emotions can mislead us.
Don't work for your salvation; work out your salvation. What an incredible gift it is.
Our Spiritual Gold Mine
For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. -Philippians 2:13
During the California Gold Rush of the mid-1800's, people came from around the nation, even the world, to find their fortune. I think people thought the gold was just lying around on the streets. But they had to go and mine it and work at it in hopes of discovering the mother lode.
When the apostle Paul wrote, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12), he was saying it's like a mine. Go and discover all that God has done for you.. Extract it. Live it out. Understand it. Appreciate it. Find out what it actually means for you.
This means working out our own salvation with self-distrust. We come with a reverence for God and a distrust of ourselves. We can't do this in our own strength. Paul continues, "For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (verse 13)
Some people say, "God does it all. I do nothing." Others say, "I do it all and God does nothing." Both of these views are wrong. God does it through you as you mine it and discover it for yourself. Work out your own salvation with self-distrust, for it is God who is working in you.
The phrase "fear and trembling" doesn't mean that Paul is suggesting we can lose our salvation. You can make a recommitment to Christ if you need to, but once you have eternal life, it is a gift to you from God. You are born again once.
The devil loves to challenge what God has said. We must stand on the promises of God and not our emotions, because our emotions can mislead us.
Don't work for your salvation; work out your salvation. What an incredible gift it is.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
No matter
Keep going.
No matter how stuck you feel.
No matter how bad things are right now.
No matter how many days you've spent crying.
No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel.
No matter how many days you've spent wishing things were different.
I promise you won't feel this way forever.
Keep going.
No matter how stuck you feel.
No matter how bad things are right now.
No matter how many days you've spent crying.
No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel.
No matter how many days you've spent wishing things were different.
I promise you won't feel this way forever.
Keep going.
Proof
But in all the
sadness, when you
feel like your
heart is empty and
lacking, you've got
to remember that
grief isn't the
absence of love.
Grief is the proof
that love is still
there.
Keep going
From one of my favorites, Steve Harvey
Steve Harvey said this morning, If you going through hell, keep going. Why would you stop in hell?"
And that moved me.
Steve Harvey said this morning, If you going through hell, keep going. Why would you stop in hell?"
And that moved me.
In the journey
A strong woman
believes
that she's
strong enough
to face her journey
but a woman
of strength
has faith that
it is in this
journey that
she will become
STRONG!
Access
I'm very cautious about
who has access to me lately, and
it's not out of arrogance, it's out of
the need to continue to protect my
space and energy as I continue to
do the work to elevate myself.
This chapter requires me to be a
little less accessible.
Appreciated
Being told you're appreciated is one of the simplest yet most incredible things you can ever hear.
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Powerlessness
from Butterflies Rising
I hope that one day
the person who hurt you sees you from afar,
dancing in the radiance of
your unburdened spirit and standing
strong in your fully mended bones...
and that just for a moment you feel their gaze,
so you can forever know, without question,
the powerlessness of their
perception over you
I hope that one day
the person who hurt you sees you from afar,
dancing in the radiance of
your unburdened spirit and standing
strong in your fully mended bones...
and that just for a moment you feel their gaze,
so you can forever know, without question,
the powerlessness of their
perception over you
Reason for the hope
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Peter 3:15
But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;
He is God
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Deuteronomy 7:9
Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments.
Deuteronomy 7:9
Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments.
For good
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Christian divorce
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Why I'm Anti-Divorce and Pro-Remarriage
On Tuesday I made quite a stir on Facebook when I wrote about divorce and remarriage.
In regards to this post on when you should give up trying to get your ex back, I wrote:
I'm having to delete a lot of comments on the blog today from people saying that divorce is never a biblical option. I find that sad. I know God hates divorce - but He hates people being wounded and abused and betrayed, too. And Jesus gave us some reasons for divorce. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am very pro-marriage and anti-divorce, but more importantly I'm pro-truth and pro-healing. If a marriage is based on abuse, manipulation, and lies, then that is not God-honoring, either. Most of these situations are not black and white; they are grey, and I believe God's grace is there for us. If I let those comments through, I fear that they will do emotional damage to the very hurt and wounded people whose marriages have fallen apart who wind up at my site. We need to be pointed towards following God in the situation we find ourselves in now, not being yelled at for very tortured decisions we made earlier.
The outpouring was immense, and so I thought I should do a follow-up and explain what I really think about divorce and remarriage. Please keep in mind that I am not a theologian. I have just thought about this a lot and prayed through it, and this is what I believe.
Divorce Is a Last Resort - and there are only a few reasons for it
I am absolutely anti-divorce. I've written that vows matter. I've questioned whether women are leaving marriages too fast. I've said that sometimes when we live in a loveless marriage - and we need to find a way to get through that.
However, with that said, I am also fully aware that sometimes divorce is necessary, and sometimes divorce happens when you didn't want it to. My father left my mother. My mother certainly didn't want a divorce, and it pulled the rug out right under her. But divorce wasn't her choice.
Then there are those who live in a physically dangerous marriage, or an emotionally destructive marriage. For them, too, divorce was likely not what they wanted - but they had no option.
What are biblical grounds for divorce?
The Bible lists two: adultery and abandonment.
Adultery
Matthew 19:9 says:
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
Abandonment
Then 2 Corinthians 7:12-15 says this:
If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
Clearly Paul here is saying that if a spouse leaves you, you are no longer bound.
Notice anything that isn't mentioned her? You've got it:
What about Abuse?
And this is where I get really uncomfortable and why I started deleting those comments. The divorce "purists", as I call them, read the Matthew passage (and seem to ignore the Corinthians passage) and say that the only acceptable reason for divorce is adultery. Because Jesus gave us no other reason, then there can be no other reason.
To them I would ask this:
Why I'm Anti-Divorce and Pro-Remarriage
On Tuesday I made quite a stir on Facebook when I wrote about divorce and remarriage.
In regards to this post on when you should give up trying to get your ex back, I wrote:
I'm having to delete a lot of comments on the blog today from people saying that divorce is never a biblical option. I find that sad. I know God hates divorce - but He hates people being wounded and abused and betrayed, too. And Jesus gave us some reasons for divorce. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am very pro-marriage and anti-divorce, but more importantly I'm pro-truth and pro-healing. If a marriage is based on abuse, manipulation, and lies, then that is not God-honoring, either. Most of these situations are not black and white; they are grey, and I believe God's grace is there for us. If I let those comments through, I fear that they will do emotional damage to the very hurt and wounded people whose marriages have fallen apart who wind up at my site. We need to be pointed towards following God in the situation we find ourselves in now, not being yelled at for very tortured decisions we made earlier.
The outpouring was immense, and so I thought I should do a follow-up and explain what I really think about divorce and remarriage. Please keep in mind that I am not a theologian. I have just thought about this a lot and prayed through it, and this is what I believe.
Divorce Is a Last Resort - and there are only a few reasons for it
I am absolutely anti-divorce. I've written that vows matter. I've questioned whether women are leaving marriages too fast. I've said that sometimes when we live in a loveless marriage - and we need to find a way to get through that.
However, with that said, I am also fully aware that sometimes divorce is necessary, and sometimes divorce happens when you didn't want it to. My father left my mother. My mother certainly didn't want a divorce, and it pulled the rug out right under her. But divorce wasn't her choice.
Then there are those who live in a physically dangerous marriage, or an emotionally destructive marriage. For them, too, divorce was likely not what they wanted - but they had no option.
What are biblical grounds for divorce?
The Bible lists two: adultery and abandonment.
Adultery
Matthew 19:9 says:
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
Abandonment
Then 2 Corinthians 7:12-15 says this:
If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
Clearly Paul here is saying that if a spouse leaves you, you are no longer bound.
Notice anything that isn't mentioned her? You've got it:
What about Abuse?
And this is where I get really uncomfortable and why I started deleting those comments. The divorce "purists", as I call them, read the Matthew passage (and seem to ignore the Corinthians passage) and say that the only acceptable reason for divorce is adultery. Because Jesus gave us no other reason, then there can be no other reason.
To them I would ask this:
Why do you believe abortion is wrong?
It's because we've inferred an awful lot from a few verses. Abortion itself isn't mentioned in the Bible because it wasn't relevant for the culture. So the Bible doesn't speak directly about it, yet pretty much all Christians fight against it for one simple reason: Because of what we know about God from the rest of Scripture. He knew us while we were yet unformed in our mother's womb, and He planned our days (Psalm 139:13-16). He planned good works for us before the foundation of the earth (Ephesians 2:10). God is love. The rest of Scripture speaks to the sanctity of life. The Bible doesn't mention lots of things we struggle with today - pornography, career choices, education choices - because they weren't talked about or relevant then. But we can still infer from the Bible what godly decisions are.
So what, then, can we infer from the rest of Scripture about living in an abusive marriage? Does God expect us to stay?
Absolutely not. Read the Old Testament prophets and you come away with the overwhelming impression of a God who goes to battle for the downtrodden and who notices injustice. We serve a God who hates abuse in all its forms.
God Cares About Children
And here's an important point: living in an abusive marriage, even if the woman is willing to put up with it, harms the children. Over and over again in Scripture God talks about rescuing children from those who would mistreat them (see Luke 17:2).
If staying in a marriage to an abusive person, or staying in a marriage to an alcoholic or drug addict, would hurt a child, then God does not want that.
I do believe that the word abuse is thrown around a little too quickly today, and I've written before about how people can leave marriages claiming abuse, when it's not. Not all yelling is abusive; it depends on the pattern, the effect,and the bigger picture. But emotional, sexual, and physical abuse are real and they are not God's plan for His children.
One important point, though: We often believe that "kids are only happy if the parents are happy, so if the parents' marriage is unhappy, it's better to divorce." Not true. Researcher Judith Wallerstein found that kids who grew up in an unhappy marriage (even a loveless marriage) fared better than kids who grew up with divorced parents. The effect of parents' unhappiness on the kids is not a legitimate reason to divorce - except in one case. Studies also showed that children who grew up in violent or abusive marriages did better if the parents did divorce. So if you're just unhappy in your marriage, it's better for the kids if you stick with it and make it work. If you're being abused or you're in a high-conflict marriage, it's not.
God Cares About Sin
Another theme of Scripture is that God cares about the heart, not appearances. Divorce purists seem to stress the form over the heart - as long as the two people are technically married. God is happy. But no, God doesn't want appearances. God wants changed hearts and changed lives! Here's what I wrote in another post on not enabling sin in marriage:
From "Are You a Spouse, or an Enabler?"
If your spouse is acting in such a way that they are denying a vital part of themselves and a vital part of the Christian life - like responsibility or intimacy or community - then doing nothing about it enables that spouse to avoid any impetus for spiritual growth.
Churches should be places where the wounded come to find healing, not where the wounded come to give them cover so they can avoid healing.
And yet all too often that is what we've done - we hate divorce so much that we ignore the other side: God does not want an army of wounded, damaged people. He wants wholeness. And so we must deal with people who are refusing to confront huge issues.
In that post I show what the Bible says we should do if a spouse is sinning. One of the Facebook commenters on Tuesday wrote this:
One truth that I believe that is overlooked or dismissed by people who are quick to judge those of us who have suffered through divorce (it was a heartrending and crushing experience) is that pleasing God and being like Him is not about keeping up appearances. God looks at the heart, and in light of that reality, a true divorce has happened long before any secular legal actions have been taken. A dead marriage is equal to a divorce in all the ways that are visible and valuable to God, and it's sad to me to see married couples who obviously despise one another or (perhaps worse) are completely indifferent - especially if children are involved and are being hurt by their parents' situation. I am a child of a Christian divorce as well and our young lives were fraught with secret abuse, sadness and confusion until my father (a well-educated preacher who lived a double life) left my mom and abandoned us. Life was hard and sad growing up after that too, and I felt very mixed emotions of relief, abandonment and guilt once our father was gone. However, I was nothing but glad for my mom because she had done all she could to be a good wife, and had been so mistreated and disrespected by him in every way you could imagine - she didn't deserve that.
Scripture does not contradict Scripture. We aren't told in one place to confront sin and live blameless lives and look to the heart and then told in another place to just keep the form in place and ignore sin. The heart matters. And if someone is sinning so much, either through abuse or adultery or addiction or a refusal to work,then this must be dealt with.
Why Does God Hate Divorce?
Divorce "purists" point to the verse that God hates divorce as proof that we should not divorce except in the rarest circumstances. But here's the thing - I think we would all agree. In fact, most divorced people would be the first to say that God hates divorce, because they hate divorce, too. They know how awful it is. They're anti-divorce too!
The more important question, then, is WHY does God hate divorce?
I do not believe that He hates divorce because people who divorce are somehow worse sinners. I believe He hates divorce because He loves us so much, and He knows the severe trauma of divorce. He knows the havoc it wreaks on our hearts. He knows what it does to the children. And He knows what a culture of divorce does to undermine the culture of marriage and family and commitment. Divorce has major ripple effects.
So God hates divorce because of its effects - not because divorce is any worse sin. We know that if one is guilty of breaking one part of the law, one is guilty of breaking the whole law. We are all sinners. I believe that when it says, "God hates divorce," it's really saying that if your husband left you or beat you or made your marriage unbearable, and you are weeping buckets of tears, that God is weeping those tears with you."
The Beauty of Grace and Living in the Present
I've explained why I believe that adultery, abuse, abandonment, and other major sins that endanger the whole family (like addictions or refusal to work) are grounds for separation and/or divorce.
But what if you don't have those?
Another commentator wrote:
I'm divorced. No excuses, no Biblically sound reason. I was young, stupid, and a big ol' sinner. He didn't beat me or abuse me in any way. However, it's done. It's in the past and I feel absolutely certain that it is forgiven like any number of other sins in my past. I was wrong but that awesomely mighty God forgave it AND was generous enough to send me a husband who loves me and doesn't judge my past.
She didn't have biblical grounds for divorce, and she knows that. But now she is a believer, and that means that she is a new creation. And you can't turn back the clock, and God does not intend you to. Why is that we say some sins can be forgiven but not others? Paul was a murderer, yet God still used him. David was an adulterer, yet God still used him (and his son through Bathsheba). Indeed, that adulterous relationship is in Jesus' line.
God Cares About Children
And here's an important point: living in an abusive marriage, even if the woman is willing to put up with it, harms the children. Over and over again in Scripture God talks about rescuing children from those who would mistreat them (see Luke 17:2).
If staying in a marriage to an abusive person, or staying in a marriage to an alcoholic or drug addict, would hurt a child, then God does not want that.
I do believe that the word abuse is thrown around a little too quickly today, and I've written before about how people can leave marriages claiming abuse, when it's not. Not all yelling is abusive; it depends on the pattern, the effect,and the bigger picture. But emotional, sexual, and physical abuse are real and they are not God's plan for His children.
One important point, though: We often believe that "kids are only happy if the parents are happy, so if the parents' marriage is unhappy, it's better to divorce." Not true. Researcher Judith Wallerstein found that kids who grew up in an unhappy marriage (even a loveless marriage) fared better than kids who grew up with divorced parents. The effect of parents' unhappiness on the kids is not a legitimate reason to divorce - except in one case. Studies also showed that children who grew up in violent or abusive marriages did better if the parents did divorce. So if you're just unhappy in your marriage, it's better for the kids if you stick with it and make it work. If you're being abused or you're in a high-conflict marriage, it's not.
God Cares About Sin
Another theme of Scripture is that God cares about the heart, not appearances. Divorce purists seem to stress the form over the heart - as long as the two people are technically married. God is happy. But no, God doesn't want appearances. God wants changed hearts and changed lives! Here's what I wrote in another post on not enabling sin in marriage:
From "Are You a Spouse, or an Enabler?"
If your spouse is acting in such a way that they are denying a vital part of themselves and a vital part of the Christian life - like responsibility or intimacy or community - then doing nothing about it enables that spouse to avoid any impetus for spiritual growth.
Churches should be places where the wounded come to find healing, not where the wounded come to give them cover so they can avoid healing.
And yet all too often that is what we've done - we hate divorce so much that we ignore the other side: God does not want an army of wounded, damaged people. He wants wholeness. And so we must deal with people who are refusing to confront huge issues.
In that post I show what the Bible says we should do if a spouse is sinning. One of the Facebook commenters on Tuesday wrote this:
One truth that I believe that is overlooked or dismissed by people who are quick to judge those of us who have suffered through divorce (it was a heartrending and crushing experience) is that pleasing God and being like Him is not about keeping up appearances. God looks at the heart, and in light of that reality, a true divorce has happened long before any secular legal actions have been taken. A dead marriage is equal to a divorce in all the ways that are visible and valuable to God, and it's sad to me to see married couples who obviously despise one another or (perhaps worse) are completely indifferent - especially if children are involved and are being hurt by their parents' situation. I am a child of a Christian divorce as well and our young lives were fraught with secret abuse, sadness and confusion until my father (a well-educated preacher who lived a double life) left my mom and abandoned us. Life was hard and sad growing up after that too, and I felt very mixed emotions of relief, abandonment and guilt once our father was gone. However, I was nothing but glad for my mom because she had done all she could to be a good wife, and had been so mistreated and disrespected by him in every way you could imagine - she didn't deserve that.
Scripture does not contradict Scripture. We aren't told in one place to confront sin and live blameless lives and look to the heart and then told in another place to just keep the form in place and ignore sin. The heart matters. And if someone is sinning so much, either through abuse or adultery or addiction or a refusal to work,then this must be dealt with.
Why Does God Hate Divorce?
Divorce "purists" point to the verse that God hates divorce as proof that we should not divorce except in the rarest circumstances. But here's the thing - I think we would all agree. In fact, most divorced people would be the first to say that God hates divorce, because they hate divorce, too. They know how awful it is. They're anti-divorce too!
The more important question, then, is WHY does God hate divorce?
I do not believe that He hates divorce because people who divorce are somehow worse sinners. I believe He hates divorce because He loves us so much, and He knows the severe trauma of divorce. He knows the havoc it wreaks on our hearts. He knows what it does to the children. And He knows what a culture of divorce does to undermine the culture of marriage and family and commitment. Divorce has major ripple effects.
So God hates divorce because of its effects - not because divorce is any worse sin. We know that if one is guilty of breaking one part of the law, one is guilty of breaking the whole law. We are all sinners. I believe that when it says, "God hates divorce," it's really saying that if your husband left you or beat you or made your marriage unbearable, and you are weeping buckets of tears, that God is weeping those tears with you."
The Beauty of Grace and Living in the Present
I've explained why I believe that adultery, abuse, abandonment, and other major sins that endanger the whole family (like addictions or refusal to work) are grounds for separation and/or divorce.
But what if you don't have those?
Another commentator wrote:
I'm divorced. No excuses, no Biblically sound reason. I was young, stupid, and a big ol' sinner. He didn't beat me or abuse me in any way. However, it's done. It's in the past and I feel absolutely certain that it is forgiven like any number of other sins in my past. I was wrong but that awesomely mighty God forgave it AND was generous enough to send me a husband who loves me and doesn't judge my past.
She didn't have biblical grounds for divorce, and she knows that. But now she is a believer, and that means that she is a new creation. And you can't turn back the clock, and God does not intend you to. Why is that we say some sins can be forgiven but not others? Paul was a murderer, yet God still used him. David was an adulterer, yet God still used him (and his son through Bathsheba). Indeed, that adulterous relationship is in Jesus' line.
God hates divorce - but there is grace.
So if you divorced in the past, and then became a believer, are you supposed to reconcile with your husband? I believe that, if possible, you should try.
But that does not always work. Sometimes you can't reconcile because he doesn't want to, or he's moved on. So then what?
What About Remarriage?
Divorce purists will also say that remarriage is never an option. God may have given us grounds for divorce, but not remarriage.
However, I don't believe this is true for two reasons. In the Matthew verse quoted above, Jesus said:
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
That means that if you divorce and marry another and it was because of sexual immorality, you are not committing adultery. So if you had grounds for divorce, you also have grounds for remarriage.
Yes, it says "whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" (Luke 16:18), but you can't look at that verse without also looking at this one. Jesus obviously was carving out an exception.
And in Corinthians, Paul wrote that the husband or wife was no longer bound if they were abandoned. They aren't bound anymore - therefore they can remarry.
The Cultural Reason for Remarriage
Why isn't the Bible more obvious that remarriage after divorce is okay? Because it was just assumed. In those days a woman was either under her father's care or her husband's care. There was no way for an adult single woman to make a living. That's why caring for widows was such a huge deal in the New Testament church. For Jesus to allow divorce, then, meant that He was also allowing remarriage. For he would not allow divorce just to consign women to desperation and abject poverty. People simply had to remarry.
I know many of you who are here on this site are also remarried - and want to make these remarriages work. I welcome you here, and I hope that I can help you with just that! I never want you to feel that because you are not on your first marriage that you are somehow inferior. God wants you to honor Him in the here and now.
And so that's where I'm at: I'm anti-divorce, because I think it should be the last resort, and only in certain circumstances. But if divorce has been inevitable for you, then I wish you great happiness and intimacy with someone else, if God brings someone into your life.
The comment with the most likes was one from my friend Kathy, whom I know in real life. I'd like to leave you with it:
As a divorced person myself (with what I understand to be a biblical divorce - abandoned by an unbelieving spouse who was committing adultery), and someone who desperately wanted her marriage back, I felt the weight and sting of those who think in judgmental terms as if their own sin issues are minor compared to divorce. I always jokingly say that divorce is the unpardonable sin in the church, but sadly, it seems far too often that it is looked at in that way. I have done my share of study on the topic of divorce and remarriage as a biblical counselor, but also as someone who hoped to be married again one day, but only if it did not offend God. As far as I can understand in my simplistic way, God has allowed for remarriage in my circumstance. I was blessed with the offer of marriage just over two years ago from a wonderful Christian man who took divorce and remarriage as seriously as I, and also did his research (and by the way, he was widowed after 36 years of marriage so no divorce on his record). We consulted many "wise counselors" and studied God's Word before taking on our vows of marriage because again, we did not want to be out of step with God. We are convinced God is the author of our love story, but should we find that in our fallible state we were mistaken, is not the blood of Christ valid even on this? I believe we should take marriage, divorce, and remarriage very,very seriously, but I also believe we must approach it all with truth IN LOVE. Divorce seems to just be one of those divisive issues, and involves much emotion, but hopefully it will not invoke undue unkindness from those of us who have been shown unfathomable love.
Make you smile
You'll know someone is special when...no matter what kind of mood you are in they manage to make you smile.
Lose us too
by Neena Gupta
Sometimes we get hurt by people we thought would never cause us pain. But they do, they break our heart and the trust we had in them. They are the ones we love deeply and genuinely. The ones we never thought, even in our wildest dreams, would cause us any pain. But they do, and many times intentionally to show the power they have over us, how much control they have in our life. But while they are hurting us they forget one thing, and that is too much pain is also a healer. One day, anything they do will no longer affect us because they have lost the control they had in our life. One day, they will lose us too...
Sometimes we get hurt by people we thought would never cause us pain. But they do, they break our heart and the trust we had in them. They are the ones we love deeply and genuinely. The ones we never thought, even in our wildest dreams, would cause us any pain. But they do, and many times intentionally to show the power they have over us, how much control they have in our life. But while they are hurting us they forget one thing, and that is too much pain is also a healer. One day, anything they do will no longer affect us because they have lost the control they had in our life. One day, they will lose us too...
Their behavior
People will always
notice the change in
your attitude towards
them, but they will
never notice it's their
behavior that made
you change.
Strong?
Strong?
No my dear,
I am far from it
What you're seeing
is simply
a weak person
with a very
strong
God.
No my dear,
I am far from it
What you're seeing
is simply
a weak person
with a very
strong
God.
Not physical
Just because a person
doesn't put hands on you, that
doesn't mean they aren't abusive.
Abuse is control, blatant
disrespect, and also hurtful words.
Don't settle for emotional abuse
thinking it's ok because
it's not physical.
Never hurts
A real man never hurts a woman
Be very careful when you make a
woman cry, because God counts her
tears. The woman came out of man's
rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but
from his side to be equal, under the
arm to be protected, and next to the
heart to be loved.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Fullness of love
This is profound...
by Andrew J. Bauman, Stumbling Toward Wholeness
Grief serves as a shovel for the soul:
it digs, it mines, and excavates painfully,
at times violently. But deep love enters
those very same spaces. If we never allow
ourselves to feel the pain of loss and betrayal,
we will not feel the fullness of love.
by Andrew J. Bauman, Stumbling Toward Wholeness
Grief serves as a shovel for the soul:
it digs, it mines, and excavates painfully,
at times violently. But deep love enters
those very same spaces. If we never allow
ourselves to feel the pain of loss and betrayal,
we will not feel the fullness of love.
Weak people
by Tom Hardy
Weak people always have to be in a
relationship so they can feel important
and loved. Once you start enjoying
your own company, being single
becomes a privilege.
Past in the past
If you don't leave
your past in the past, it will
destroy your future. Live for
what today has to offer, not
what the past has
taken away.
Shame
by Bob Hamp
Shame is a kidnapper
It invites us to be complicit
in our own abduction.
It insists that we construct a false self
To be accepted
It tells us to hide
So as not to be rejected
It convinces us
Someone else is responsible
To make your life work
Turn the table on shame
Bring your truest self into your story
Nothing to prove-Nothing to hide-
No one to blame
Three kinds
by Buckminster Fuller
There are three kinds of people in the world,
those who are asleep,
those who are stirring, and those who are awake.
If you try to wake up the sleeping,
he will just mumble and go back to sleep.
If you wake up the stirring,
he will wake up just long enough to curse you
and then go back to sleep.
Instead of trying to wake them up,
if you come across someone who is asleep
or stirring what you should do is,
fluff their pillow, tuck them in,
and kiss them on their forehead.
The important joy for those who are awake
is to seek each other out,
connect with others who are awake,
talk, sing and celebrate together.
This will create a groundswell of awareness.
As this groundswell increases and spreads out,
it will awaken the stirring
and will begin to stir those who are still sleeping.
There are three kinds of people in the world,
those who are asleep,
those who are stirring, and those who are awake.
If you try to wake up the sleeping,
he will just mumble and go back to sleep.
If you wake up the stirring,
he will wake up just long enough to curse you
and then go back to sleep.
Instead of trying to wake them up,
if you come across someone who is asleep
or stirring what you should do is,
fluff their pillow, tuck them in,
and kiss them on their forehead.
The important joy for those who are awake
is to seek each other out,
connect with others who are awake,
talk, sing and celebrate together.
This will create a groundswell of awareness.
As this groundswell increases and spreads out,
it will awaken the stirring
and will begin to stir those who are still sleeping.
Just fine
by Charlotte Eriksson
Take a shower, wash off the day.
Drink a glass of water. Make the room
dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice
the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating.
Still fighting. You made it, after all. You
made it, another day. And you
can make it one more.
You're doing just fine.
Slight chance
If there's a slight
chance at getting
something that will
make you happy, risk it.
Life's too short, and
happiness is too rare.
Brutally broken
by Keanu Reeves
If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, than you're a bad... with a heart of an angel.
If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, than you're a bad... with a heart of an angel.
Your peace
Your peace
is more important than driving
yourself crazy trying
to understand why
something happened
the way it did.
Let it go.
Without you
I'm sorry,
My days of chasing
people are over. If
you're not making
an effort to stay in
my life, don't get
upset when I start
doing things
without you.
Holding on
She is holding on,
but barely.
Gripping whatever she can to
keep it together for another day.
She doesn't think about next week
or next month, just today.
That's what she tells herself.
That's how she's gone this long.
Just keep it together,
today.
Chasing
by Lolly Daskal
When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
Going to be
It's going to be bigger
than you thought, it's
going to happen quicker
than you imagined, and
it's going to be more
rewarding than you ever
dreamed of.
Bigger picture
One thing I realized is that everything always ends up working out. Sometimes even better than you can imagine. Remember this when you feel like you're in a hard place or you feel like you're being challenged the most. Believe in where you're headed. See the bigger picture.
Losing
from Sons of Anarchy
Don't be afraid of losing people.
Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.
Don't be afraid of losing people.
Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.
Just breathe
Sometimes the best thing
you can do is
not think, not wonder,
not imagine, not obsess.
Just breathe,
and have faith that
everything will work
out for the best.
you can do is
not think, not wonder,
not imagine, not obsess.
Just breathe,
and have faith that
everything will work
out for the best.
Let me fight
God is saying to you tonight,
"You're going to make it.
You and your family
will be just fine.
Just stand and let Me
fight this battle."
Salute
I salute every single person
who has ever found themselves in
a dark place but rose above the
pain. And I salute every single
person who continues to stand tall
with all their broken parts still intact.
You may not be where you
want to be, but you will get there,
Stay strong.
Friday, March 8, 2019
Dangerous
She is dangerous when she is hurt. She can easily destroy everything around her, but she doesn't. Instead she destroys herself.
Looking
And then my soul say you and it kind of went "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you."
On time
Someone graduated at 21, but waited 6 years to get a good job.
Someone had no education, but was a millionaire at 21.
Someone got married at 20, but divorced 5 years later.
Someone got married at 30, but found everlasting love.
You're not late.
You're not early.
You're on time.
Someone had no education, but was a millionaire at 21.
Someone got married at 20, but divorced 5 years later.
Someone got married at 30, but found everlasting love.
You're not late.
You're not early.
You're on time.
Learn your past
Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past, not to punish you, but to understand how you needed to be loved.
Religion vs. Sonship
Religion:
"I messed up, my dad's
going to kill me!"
Sonship:
"I messed up, I need to
call my dad."
Today
If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead
if the morning brings you sadness
it's okay to stay in bed
if the day ahead weighs heavy
and your plans feel like a curse
there's no shame in rearranging
don't make yourself feel worse
if a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you'll drown
if you haven't washed your hair for days
don't throw away your crown
a day is not a lifetime
a rest is not defeat
don't think of it as failure,
just a quiet, kind retreat
it's ok to take a moment
from an anxious, fractured mind
the world will not stop turning
while you get realigned
the mountain will still be there
when you want to try again
you can climb it in your own time
just love yourself til then
Never, ever
Be strong, be kind, be free. Do things that make you proud of yourself. Surround yourself with people who bring out your best qualities and distance yourself from the people who do the opposite. Be true. True to yourself and true to your morals. Stand up for yourself. Don't let people take advantage of your kindness and soft heart. Don't take crap from anyone and don't put yourself down. Believe in yourself and believe in your journey. Be good to yourself. Be unapologetically you. Embrace your imperfections. Accept the fact that when you grow sometimes you lose people and that's okay. Celebrate your every success and learn from failure. And most importantly, never, ever let anything stand in the way of the woman you are becoming.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Wonderful things
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Isaiah 25:1
Praise to God
O Lord, You are my God.
I will exalt you, I will praise Your name,
For you have done wonderful things;
Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.
Isaiah 25:1
Praise to God
O Lord, You are my God.
I will exalt you, I will praise Your name,
For you have done wonderful things;
Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.
Search me
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Greater
by Jennifer Aniston
The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.
The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Special Challenges
from Confusion to Clarity
Special Challenges for Abused Women of Faith
-Do friends not believe you about the abuse?
-Has your church given you confusing and unhelpful advice?
-Has your husband turned friends and family against you?
Are you having a hard time trusting God?
If you are going through any of these things you aren't alone. They are common experiences that we Christian women face when we start to see the covert psychological and emotional abuse in our lives.
It's unbearably painful - our life is falling apart around us and the husband who we thought loved us is now a stranger to us.
And then, on top of that, everything we've always depended on for strength and stability - our support system and our faith - gets shaken as well.
I'll be writing on many topics for abused women of faith in the future, but this post is an overview of five issues we commonly face:
-Not being believed
-Betrayal by our support system
-Damaging doctrinal beliefs we have to sort through
-The church's lack of understanding about abuse
-Our confusion about our faith
Special Challenges for Abused Women of Faith
-Do friends not believe you about the abuse?
-Has your church given you confusing and unhelpful advice?
-Has your husband turned friends and family against you?
Are you having a hard time trusting God?
If you are going through any of these things you aren't alone. They are common experiences that we Christian women face when we start to see the covert psychological and emotional abuse in our lives.
It's unbearably painful - our life is falling apart around us and the husband who we thought loved us is now a stranger to us.
And then, on top of that, everything we've always depended on for strength and stability - our support system and our faith - gets shaken as well.
I'll be writing on many topics for abused women of faith in the future, but this post is an overview of five issues we commonly face:
-Not being believed
-Betrayal by our support system
-Damaging doctrinal beliefs we have to sort through
-The church's lack of understanding about abuse
-Our confusion about our faith
THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME
If your husband goes to church, everyone around you thinks he's a wonderful Christian. He's put on a great front, but now you're seeing that he's the proverbial "wolf in sheep's clothing." There's a good chance that many of your friends and acquaintances won't believe you.
You may have already experienced the common, confusing experience of sharing your marital problems with a friend and hearing, "Oh my husband does that, but he's human and I forgive him." In your heart, you're thinking, "But it's not like that. It wasn't just a mistake he made. It goes so much deeper than that." But you couldn't explain it because you didn't have the words to describe what he was doing.
Even now that you are starting to be able to describe it, you suspect that the response you'd get would be somewhere between disbelief and blaming you. It's a lonely, heart-breaking experience to be so misunderstood.
THEY'VE TAKEN HIS SIDE
Once you start to talk about the abuse, there's a good chance that some people who you thought were friends will side with your husband. Many women lose friends and support systems when they start telling the truth.
On the one hand, it's understandable with covert abuse. They've only seen the charming side of your husband and have a hard time believing you. But on the other hand, that means that they don't trust you. You know you aren't lying, and you can't understand why anyone would think you would.
"It's devastating to have friends believe his lies about you over your truth about him."
It's hurtful and shocking. It leaves you feeling invisible and insignificant. And it's a huge betrayal at a time when you desperately need support.
Flying monkeys
If you separate or divorce, some people will think you aren't trying hard enough and are destroying your family. It's traumatizing to be accused of doing wrong when you are the victim and need support. That's why people who take the abuser's side are called "flying monkeys."
But know that God will eventually bring you safer friends than the ones who sided with your husband. These new friends will love truth, see you for who you are, not question your integrity, and will stand by you and give you strength.
If you have friends who are standing by you and believing you, treasure these women!
If not, cling to Jesus. He knows what it's like to be betrayed by a kiss.
BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT AS A
CHRISTIAN I SHOULD...
You're probably facing inner conflict about what you believe.
You've tried everything.
You've believed that to solve a marriage problem you need to prayer harder, forgive more, submit more, give him more sex, love him more, and respect him more. You've thought that you've failed as a wife.
You've been taught that women tend to be bitter, and that you were gossiping.
You've been told that God is allowing your suffering for your own good, that all relationships have difficulties, that it takes two to make a relationship problem, that you need to "count it all joy," that God "hates divorce."
You believed all this because that is all you knew. Yet none of these pieces of advice has changed anything about the abuse.
You've probably already spent 5, 10, 20 or more years forgiving him, hearing him "repent," giving him another chance, and nothing has changed.
You've probably already spent years praying for him, searching yourself for your part and your sin, and searching the Bible for answers.
You may have sought counseling, pastoral advice, read self-help and marriage books and even gone to marriage retreats.
But nothing ever changed in your marriage.
Trying to fix your marriage with this advice is like taking Tums for stomach cancer. Wrong diagnosis - wrong solution.
You had no information about covert abuse and had no idea what was really going on in your marriage. Not one of the solutions you were given were relevant to an abusive marriage. They may work for a difficult marriage, but there is a big, big difference between a difficult marriage and an abusive one.
Very few of us have been taught to think about abuse from a correct Christian perspective and now you're faced with sorting through and changing fundamental parts of your belief system.
There's a lot to relearn
You may be realizing that what you might have to do to handle your situation goes against many of the beliefs you've accepted as part of Christian doctrine. But that doctrine is mostly man-made doctrine and has only made things worse for you so far. Now you get to learn what God really says about abuse and follow His truth.
MY CHURCH ISN'T SAFE
Unfortunately, most churches are unhelpful, and oftentimes even damaging places for abused women to go to. Pastors are not trained to deal with abuse appropriately.
The abuser is supported and you aren't
Church communities have a long history of protecting the accused instead of the victim. They want to believe "There are two sides to every story," and they believe his.
And if they do believe the victim, they'll be quick to accept the first "I'm sorry" from the abuser without any proof of real change.
Even women suffering physical violence and severe verbal abuse are often given ignorant, irresponsible and dangerous advice. For those of us experiencing covert abuse, it is even more difficult - how do we even explain what is going on? The reality of our abuse is often brushed off with "that's a communication problem," or "you are being too sensitive."
The serious effect this has upon us is real - many women end up with PTSD from the trauma of betrayal upon betrayal.
"Understanding covert abuse takes a level of sophistication and discernment that is way beyond the grasp of churches that are still failing women who are bruised and bleeding."
If you are in a church that supports and believes you, you are fortunate!
Thankfully, there's a growing number of resources for abused women of faith. There are some excellent blogs trying to educate the Church and they are writing very clearly about what the scriptures actually say about abuse.
I FEEL LIKE MY FAITH HAS BEEN SHAKEN TO
THE CORE
You may feel like you don't understand anything anymore. You might be very confused about God and no longer trust Him. You might wonder why He's "allowing" this to happen if the doctrine you have been taught teaches that God allows suffering for our good. There is so much to sort through about how abuse affects our faith.
Facing evil
As you've come to understand about covert abuse and why abusers do what they do, you've faced an upheaval to your worldview. Suddenly a world that seemed safe and in order is now being rocked by your new understanding. You are face to face with evil and reevaluating everything you believe.
It's kind of strange that the Christian church, of all places, has such a shallow teaching of evil since the Bible is pretty much all about the battle between good and evil. As a result, when we realize that evil actually exists in the people we know, it gets very real and shocking.
Finding a new understanding of God
As a result of this shaking, you'll be going through the freeing process of discovering with what the Bible actually says and who our God really is.
As I went through this process I had many amazing revelations. One thing I did was to take a red pencil and underline everything the Psalms, Proverbs and New Testament had to say about evil people (and scoffers, deceivers and revilers).
The Bible will make sense in a new way
Being shame based, I had easily bought into guilt and had an overactive conscience. As I discovered what the Bible says about evil, those scriptures that I had thought were directed at me no longer haunted me and made me feel awful. It became clear that they are directed at people who align themselves with evil, and I knew that wasn't me. As you go through the discovery process you'll discover all sorts of sweet treasures and your beliefs will be changed.
Your faith will eventually resettle and be strengthened
You'll discover who Jesus really is and what He actually says about abuse, which is wonderfully different from the doctrines of man that we've been taught. (He hates abuse.) You'll find good, solid answers to your questions about how God feels about divorce. (He supports it for abuse.)
Try not to be afraid of all this confusion. Easier said than done, I know. All these challenges add another layer to your recovery, but you will discover a God who is more loving than you ever thought. You can untangle the muddle and find your solid Rock again.
Love gives
by Bryant McGill
Love gives without expectation, while hate carries an endless tally of debts.
Hate controls everything it touches, but love sets everything it touches free.
Love gives without expectation, while hate carries an endless tally of debts.
Hate controls everything it touches, but love sets everything it touches free.
Breaking trust
Breaking someone's trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper.
You can smooth it over but it's never going to be the same again.
You can smooth it over but it's never going to be the same again.
When anxiety strikes
From Gary Roe
When anxiety strikes...
I recently woke up in the middle of the night in a panic - sweating, heart racing. I quickly got up and began pacing.
I had felt this before, many times. I was having an anxiety attack.
Over the years I've learned that I don't need a trigger to be hijacked by anxiety. Repetitive traumatic experiences early in life naturally raised my anxiety baseline. Competitive swimming growing up and all the way through college kept much of it in check. Later, all that buried anxiety began to surface.
I've had three seasons in my adult life that I label "high anxiety." Not surprisingly, these were times of great loss and emotional pain. With expert help, I managed to develop skills to deal with this unwelcome visitor.
When we experience something and can't fully process, those emotions can get stored away in our bodies. We add to them over time with when little things happen. We have anxiety but it's no big deal. We don't feel the need to process or even mention it. Our reservoir of anxiety slowly grows, one drop at a time.
Finally, our bodies decide that it's time to express it, and wham. A panic attack out of nowhere. Even in the middle of the night. Perhaps especially in the middle of the night. Our bodies flush excess adrenaline during the night, which can make us feel jittery and nervous. In grief, we usually have some extra adrenaline running around.
As I paced, I found myself smiling. "Yes, this feels familiar. I feel anxious, panicky. I've been working hard. Maybe my anxiety reservoir is overflowing. My body is releasing what it doesn't want to carry. I'll feel this anxiety, and then release it. This is good."
Within moments, my heart was calm again.
Victory.
After years of getting hijacked and even momentarily paralyzed by anxiety, I can smile. It was a long time coming, so pardon me if I celebrate.
Anxiety is a natural, and even healthy part of the grieving process. Our hearts have been hit. A strand -or two or three - of our relational life web has been severed. This is hard, and it can be traumatic.
When we learn to grieve well and in healthy ways, wellness tends to build over time. Breathe deeply. Now is not forever. This anxiety will pass...
When anxiety strikes...
I recently woke up in the middle of the night in a panic - sweating, heart racing. I quickly got up and began pacing.
I had felt this before, many times. I was having an anxiety attack.
Over the years I've learned that I don't need a trigger to be hijacked by anxiety. Repetitive traumatic experiences early in life naturally raised my anxiety baseline. Competitive swimming growing up and all the way through college kept much of it in check. Later, all that buried anxiety began to surface.
I've had three seasons in my adult life that I label "high anxiety." Not surprisingly, these were times of great loss and emotional pain. With expert help, I managed to develop skills to deal with this unwelcome visitor.
When we experience something and can't fully process, those emotions can get stored away in our bodies. We add to them over time with when little things happen. We have anxiety but it's no big deal. We don't feel the need to process or even mention it. Our reservoir of anxiety slowly grows, one drop at a time.
Finally, our bodies decide that it's time to express it, and wham. A panic attack out of nowhere. Even in the middle of the night. Perhaps especially in the middle of the night. Our bodies flush excess adrenaline during the night, which can make us feel jittery and nervous. In grief, we usually have some extra adrenaline running around.
As I paced, I found myself smiling. "Yes, this feels familiar. I feel anxious, panicky. I've been working hard. Maybe my anxiety reservoir is overflowing. My body is releasing what it doesn't want to carry. I'll feel this anxiety, and then release it. This is good."
Within moments, my heart was calm again.
Victory.
After years of getting hijacked and even momentarily paralyzed by anxiety, I can smile. It was a long time coming, so pardon me if I celebrate.
Anxiety is a natural, and even healthy part of the grieving process. Our hearts have been hit. A strand -or two or three - of our relational life web has been severed. This is hard, and it can be traumatic.
When we learn to grieve well and in healthy ways, wellness tends to build over time. Breathe deeply. Now is not forever. This anxiety will pass...
Monday, March 4, 2019
Please teach
I plan on this...
Please teach your daughters not to measure their strength by how much pain they can endure.
Please teach your daughters not to measure their strength by how much pain they can endure.
As gold
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Job 23:10-11
But He knows the way that I take;
When He was tested me,
I shall come forth as gold.
My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and not turned aside.
Job 23:10-11
But He knows the way that I take;
When He was tested me,
I shall come forth as gold.
My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and not turned aside.
A bad story
Even if you hear a bad story about me, understand, there was a time I was good to those people too, but they won't tell you that part.
Spirit of fear
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Wherever you go
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
My ways
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Isaiah 55:8-9
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,"
says the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher then the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,"
says the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher then the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Your best friend
Fall in love with your best friend.
Someone you can talk to about
anything and know they'll hold
no judgment. Someone who knows the
darkest parts of you and loves you
anyway, that knows all your flaws and
loves you not in spite of them but
because of them. Not someone that
you can't live without, but someone
that you don't want to live without.
Someone that you want to experience
all of life's ups and downs with.
Someone who will hold your hand
through the worst times of your life.
When they see you at your worst,
when you're broken, and they don't
run away but help you put the pieces
back together. Now that's real love.
Someone you can talk to about
anything and know they'll hold
no judgment. Someone who knows the
darkest parts of you and loves you
anyway, that knows all your flaws and
loves you not in spite of them but
because of them. Not someone that
you can't live without, but someone
that you don't want to live without.
Someone that you want to experience
all of life's ups and downs with.
Someone who will hold your hand
through the worst times of your life.
When they see you at your worst,
when you're broken, and they don't
run away but help you put the pieces
back together. Now that's real love.
It's possible
Grief
is....learning
that it's
possible for a
part of you to
die while you
are still living.
Too little too late
from Flying Free
I have strong belief that people who treat others poorly and have no empathy or compassion for others will be shown no compassion in later life. They have spent their entire lives abusing, betraying and demeaning others, aware of what they do, and without a second thought for the pain that they inflict time and time again. Friends and ex-partners have become enemies. If their children haven't already become strangers, the narcissist may try to buy their children's love in a feeble attempt to keep them close, believing that they may be the only people left on this earth who will put up with their pernicious behaviour. These meagre efforts to be seen as a good parent may be welcomed by a child who has spent a lifetime seeking mom or dad's approval. For others, it will be too little too late.
I have strong belief that people who treat others poorly and have no empathy or compassion for others will be shown no compassion in later life. They have spent their entire lives abusing, betraying and demeaning others, aware of what they do, and without a second thought for the pain that they inflict time and time again. Friends and ex-partners have become enemies. If their children haven't already become strangers, the narcissist may try to buy their children's love in a feeble attempt to keep them close, believing that they may be the only people left on this earth who will put up with their pernicious behaviour. These meagre efforts to be seen as a good parent may be welcomed by a child who has spent a lifetime seeking mom or dad's approval. For others, it will be too little too late.
Transform
by Sylvester McNutt
Sometimes everything hits
you all at once. You lose a
relationship, change jobs, old
friends go and new friends
come. It's up one day and
down the next. You have it all
together on Monday and by
Thursday you don't have a
clue. Life is one big wave and
all we can do is flow, adapt,
and transform with it all.
Sometimes everything hits
you all at once. You lose a
relationship, change jobs, old
friends go and new friends
come. It's up one day and
down the next. You have it all
together on Monday and by
Thursday you don't have a
clue. Life is one big wave and
all we can do is flow, adapt,
and transform with it all.
Good hearts
Here's the thing about people
with good hearts.
They give you excuses when you don't explain yourself.
They accept apologies you don't give. At your worst, they
lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside.
It's because they don't make you work hard for the
attention they give you. They accept the love
they think they've earned and you accept
the love you think you're
entitled to.
Let me tell you something.
Fear the day when a good heart gives up on
you. Our skies don't become grey out of nowhere.
Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take
over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold
unless it's been treated with coldness
for a while.
-Najwa Zebian
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