Haven't seen one of these in a while-a story from the #OCA series. This one is title "Surviving and Living as a Bereaved Mother" and is by Katie Teutsch. She lost her daughter when she was 13 days old. Here are some excerpts:
You see, as human beings there is a natural order in life. You expect things to follow in a certain precise way. When that order is broken, the entire world is (wrong). You could never imagine the pain. However, we are here. We are breathing. We are carrying on with life and hanging onto one thing-hope.
I could go on for days, months and possibly years about...along with the life and death of our sweet (Hayden). Instead, in honor of (Hayden), we choose to focus on love. We focus on all (he) left us. We focus on good. We focus on finding happiness, joy and hope in our sorrows and grief. We focus on (Hayden's) love in the air and all around us.
I am honored to be (his) mom. I wouldn't trade this heartache for one second if that meant not knowing (Hayden) or ever getting to feel (his) presence.
(He) set my soul on fire. (He) taught me more about life in (his) precious (17 years, 10 months and 3 days), than I will probably ever learn in an entire lifetime. (Hayden) taught me unconditional, unwavering, unstoppable and never ending love. (His) sweet little spirit lives on in all of us.
I couldn't think of a better way to honor (Hayden's) life, than to live ours the best way possible and continuing to spread our story of what (he) has taught, along with our experience and what we have learned thus far.
Which is this:
I wish I had the ability for other people to view the world thru my eyes, without having to experience this horrible, gut-wrenching heartache, sadness, unique and lifelong grief. So the next best thing for me is to try to explain it, in hopes that anyone reading this will soak some of it in.
1.) There is nothing more important than life and love. NOTHING. Material things, possessions, vacations, property, concerts, homes, clothes, cars, etc. etc. I promise everyone-you would trade it all in a split second to get a loved one back. You would live in a box naked if you had to. Once you lose your child, even if you had everything you could ever want-the pain will never leave. It is then you will truly understand the meaning behind the quote, "Money can't buy happiness."
2.) What and who matters. You will find yourself intolerant to almost everything. It is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. A curse because you will lose people in your life that threaten your happiness in any way, shape or form. This is not only necessary, it's survival. A blessing because you then make room for effortless love and unconditional support-it's enough effort to even have to breathe after loss. You're not a bad person. You are choosing to live. You truly don't have to go through child loss to apply this to your life. Go where the love is. (I emphasized this).
3.) Don't sweat the small stuff. I used to stress about the most trivial things. Little did I know, that stress was nothing compared to what (we) would endure. My car always had to be perfectly clean, my home perfectly clean, all the laundry done. I had to be on top of everything 100% of the time. While I don't consider this to be a bad thing, after losing (Hayden) it definitely didn't come first. If dishes are in the sink, but the sun is setting and I want to (do something), I go. Whereas before, I had to do the dishes first. Sounds silly, but my point is this: don't miss time with your loved ones over things that can truly wait an hour, a day, or even a week. You'll get it done, but we all aren't promised tomorrow. Those moments are so precious and sometimes you don't realize how precious they are until they're gone forever.
I've had people make comments about how calm (we) were in the (ICU), when they would have been falling apart. No one would ever want to see those moments when they told us...No one would ever want to see the moment they told us out of nowhere that our (son) wasn't going to make it. Trust me when I say it would haunt you forever, because it haunts us daily.
We had two choices after that. Wallow in self-pity? Cry, scream, and go crazy for the next ten days? ...Or show (him) all our love?
(Hayden)-my darling...We miss you. We love you. You, my love, are permanently in our hearts. You have enriched our lives. We will find you one day in heaven, and we will never let you go. Until then, thank you for the love you left in the air.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Layered and continual
Day 14 of Grief Bites.
One of the toughest parts of grieving a loss is that grief often is layered and continual...it doesn't hit all at once.
perfect peace
One of the toughest parts of grieving a loss is that grief often is layered and continual...it doesn't hit all at once.
perfect peace
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
A vapor
This is from Day 13 (I think) of Grief Bites. (Just confirmed that). Here are some excerpts from today's devotional and some verses.
At the funeral of her child, Melody publicly gave her child back to God with gratefulness for the time she had received with her precious daughter.
To go through so much heartache and loss, and to continue to serve and love God, is an incredible testimony of God's amazing grace.
Melody's life is a bright light for all who know her and have seen her struggles.
Melody's life is a reminder to me to love God and others...and to clearly understand how short this life truly is. The heartaches we face are no match or comparison for what awaits for us when God calls us to our heavenly Home. All of our lives are just a vapor...appearing for just a little while.
It is completely awesome to see someone who trusts God and lives for Him through so much heartache and pain.
Verses:
James 4:14: whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
Romans 8:17-18: and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
At the funeral of her child, Melody publicly gave her child back to God with gratefulness for the time she had received with her precious daughter.
To go through so much heartache and loss, and to continue to serve and love God, is an incredible testimony of God's amazing grace.
Melody's life is a bright light for all who know her and have seen her struggles.
Melody's life is a reminder to me to love God and others...and to clearly understand how short this life truly is. The heartaches we face are no match or comparison for what awaits for us when God calls us to our heavenly Home. All of our lives are just a vapor...appearing for just a little while.
It is completely awesome to see someone who trusts God and lives for Him through so much heartache and pain.
Verses:
James 4:14: whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
Romans 8:17-18: and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Monday, September 26, 2016
KTB
Well, we met Kevin T. Browning this weekend. He is someone who reached out to Dad on Facebook. Originally we thought he was a friend of a friend, but he's not. Instead of giving more background I will just tell his story.
Kevin suffered a traumatic brain injury about a year or two ago. He was riding his bike on a trail and the bike suddenly stopped on its own and he crashed face first into a metal guard rail. His face was really messed up and he had a brain injury. There were some significant dates involved that coincided with ours, like the 16th I think was the day of his accident in March, the hospital was 18 miles away in his life flight, etc. He shares a birthdate with me (not the year), etc. etc.
Anyway, because of his experience with the brain injury, three different people sent him the article about your accident. One of his good friend's names is Jacob Aulisi so that was another coincidence. He had ties to water polo as well since one of his physical therapist's had been a water polo player. This PT water polo player died at a young age as well but from a pulmonary embolism. (He told us how that came about, but I forgot that story).
All of these "coincidences" caused him to seek counsel from his Catholic priest, asking if he should reach out to us. The priest told him to do whatever he wanted, so he tracked down Dad on Facebook.
He sent us a picture once of a golf hole he sponsored at a golf outing in Florida for you. I always wondered if he just saw that and took a picture of it but I guess he was the one who sponsored it in your memory.
I'm not sure how old he is, but I would say he is in his 50's. He is well-to-do-he has a background as an ER nurse so he's seen lots of trauma and he has stories of staying with dying kids in the ER. Currently he works for a law firm which causes him to travel 3 weeks out of the month to hospitals to advise them on safety practices to avoid lawsuits, etc. He just sold a second home he owned in Florida for quite a bit of money (I am telling you this to back up my "well-to-do" statement). His parents sent him to a prep school in Miami when he was 14 so it sounds like he grew up with money even though he had an excellent work ethic. His dad died recently but his mom is still alive.
When he was telling us about his accident, he said he could see his dad holding his dead grandson and telling him to "Hurry up!" (He said he always told him that because it took him a long time to get ready for things).He told us that the only thing he remembers the day of the accident was dropping off some cards in the mailbox. That was a comfort to me somewhat because hopefully you had no idea what was going on, although I would like to know someday what made you cross the center line, of course. But he said he doesn't remember any pain or anything or any details of the accident.
Since he was in the area for the day, he spent the day with Dad walking around Ann Arbor and wanted to take us out to dinner. We met at Texas Roadhouse and he was fun to talk to. He messed with the waiter a little bit which was funny too. The waiter left the check folder thing on the table and
when he came to pick it up, Kevin told him that he didn't put the credit card in yet. The next time he came around, the waiter asked if it was ready and Kevin told him to guess if it was in there or not. The waiter (who was awkward anyway) said, "This is getting increasingly awkward." It was hilarious.
I think that's all I will say for now. Love you!
Kevin suffered a traumatic brain injury about a year or two ago. He was riding his bike on a trail and the bike suddenly stopped on its own and he crashed face first into a metal guard rail. His face was really messed up and he had a brain injury. There were some significant dates involved that coincided with ours, like the 16th I think was the day of his accident in March, the hospital was 18 miles away in his life flight, etc. He shares a birthdate with me (not the year), etc. etc.
Anyway, because of his experience with the brain injury, three different people sent him the article about your accident. One of his good friend's names is Jacob Aulisi so that was another coincidence. He had ties to water polo as well since one of his physical therapist's had been a water polo player. This PT water polo player died at a young age as well but from a pulmonary embolism. (He told us how that came about, but I forgot that story).
All of these "coincidences" caused him to seek counsel from his Catholic priest, asking if he should reach out to us. The priest told him to do whatever he wanted, so he tracked down Dad on Facebook.
He sent us a picture once of a golf hole he sponsored at a golf outing in Florida for you. I always wondered if he just saw that and took a picture of it but I guess he was the one who sponsored it in your memory.
I'm not sure how old he is, but I would say he is in his 50's. He is well-to-do-he has a background as an ER nurse so he's seen lots of trauma and he has stories of staying with dying kids in the ER. Currently he works for a law firm which causes him to travel 3 weeks out of the month to hospitals to advise them on safety practices to avoid lawsuits, etc. He just sold a second home he owned in Florida for quite a bit of money (I am telling you this to back up my "well-to-do" statement). His parents sent him to a prep school in Miami when he was 14 so it sounds like he grew up with money even though he had an excellent work ethic. His dad died recently but his mom is still alive.
When he was telling us about his accident, he said he could see his dad holding his dead grandson and telling him to "Hurry up!" (He said he always told him that because it took him a long time to get ready for things).He told us that the only thing he remembers the day of the accident was dropping off some cards in the mailbox. That was a comfort to me somewhat because hopefully you had no idea what was going on, although I would like to know someday what made you cross the center line, of course. But he said he doesn't remember any pain or anything or any details of the accident.
Since he was in the area for the day, he spent the day with Dad walking around Ann Arbor and wanted to take us out to dinner. We met at Texas Roadhouse and he was fun to talk to. He messed with the waiter a little bit which was funny too. The waiter left the check folder thing on the table and
when he came to pick it up, Kevin told him that he didn't put the credit card in yet. The next time he came around, the waiter asked if it was ready and Kevin told him to guess if it was in there or not. The waiter (who was awkward anyway) said, "This is getting increasingly awkward." It was hilarious.
I think that's all I will say for now. Love you!
Ability to win
Day 12 of Grief Bites featured a story/quote from Joni Eareckson Tada:
reminder-any situation one faces in life doesn't have the ability to win
Quote from Joni: I began to see that cancer wouldn't win if I died. Cancer would only win if I failed to cherish Jesus Christ. And with that attitude, I was able to live in the present, not wallow in the past, not be filled with thoughts of regret...I think there is special joy and courage in being able to live in the moment, live right now. When people see us smile, in the midst of chronic pain, cancer, quadriplegia, whatever, they will look at us and think: "Her God must be pretty great to inspire that kind of loyalty. I think that's amazing that she can smile in the midst of her affliction. I want what she has. I need her joy." Oh, what a rich testimony that is!
Amen! The only way any trial, loss, frustration, illness, trauma or heartache can win in our lives is if we fail to cherish Christ through it.
(Definition of cherish-you knew this was coming-: protect and care for (someone) lovingly; hold something dear; keep (a hope or ambition) in one's mind)
reminder-any situation one faces in life doesn't have the ability to win
Quote from Joni: I began to see that cancer wouldn't win if I died. Cancer would only win if I failed to cherish Jesus Christ. And with that attitude, I was able to live in the present, not wallow in the past, not be filled with thoughts of regret...I think there is special joy and courage in being able to live in the moment, live right now. When people see us smile, in the midst of chronic pain, cancer, quadriplegia, whatever, they will look at us and think: "Her God must be pretty great to inspire that kind of loyalty. I think that's amazing that she can smile in the midst of her affliction. I want what she has. I need her joy." Oh, what a rich testimony that is!
Amen! The only way any trial, loss, frustration, illness, trauma or heartache can win in our lives is if we fail to cherish Christ through it.
(Definition of cherish-you knew this was coming-: protect and care for (someone) lovingly; hold something dear; keep (a hope or ambition) in one's mind)
Little gifts of love
Day 11 of Grief Bites.
Treasures/gifts of love that grief and loss bring us:
-closer relationship to God
-closer relationship with family
-ability to live life more fully
-ability to experience hope and faith
-stronger, non-negotiable convictions
These are gifts that were bought with many tears, struggles, and sleepless nights...and surrendering to God.
(She) shared with me that she learned to trust...and praise God...through her storms in life. She felt God's presence as if He was holding her right hand the entire time.
Seek His heart and give Him the gift of surrendering your entire being to Him. In return, He will be faithful to guide your life and life you precious "little gifts of love" from Him.
Verse:
Psalm 27:14:
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
(I love it when there is an explanation point! Love you too!)
Treasures/gifts of love that grief and loss bring us:
-closer relationship to God
-closer relationship with family
-ability to live life more fully
-ability to experience hope and faith
-stronger, non-negotiable convictions
These are gifts that were bought with many tears, struggles, and sleepless nights...and surrendering to God.
(She) shared with me that she learned to trust...and praise God...through her storms in life. She felt God's presence as if He was holding her right hand the entire time.
Seek His heart and give Him the gift of surrendering your entire being to Him. In return, He will be faithful to guide your life and life you precious "little gifts of love" from Him.
Verse:
Psalm 27:14:
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
(I love it when there is an explanation point! Love you too!)
To help others
Was getting caught up on Grief Bites from over the weekend. This is from Day 10.
The losses you have faced in life were not allowed into your life to defeat you...they may have been allowed so,...,you can help others.
In Christ we can do all things. No matter what you have been through, life is not over...even if it feels like it.
God has plans of great good for your life. Love Him with all your heart and seek Him with all your might. He is faithful to take your heartaches, losses, and decisions and turn them around to make them into something good.
Verses:
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Genesis 50:20: But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.
Hebrews 13:20-21: Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus Christ from the dead, that Great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to Whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.
The losses you have faced in life were not allowed into your life to defeat you...they may have been allowed so,...,you can help others.
In Christ we can do all things. No matter what you have been through, life is not over...even if it feels like it.
God has plans of great good for your life. Love Him with all your heart and seek Him with all your might. He is faithful to take your heartaches, losses, and decisions and turn them around to make them into something good.
Verses:
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Genesis 50:20: But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.
Hebrews 13:20-21: Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus Christ from the dead, that Great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to Whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.
Friday, September 23, 2016
When A Heart Breaks
Some of these (who am I kidding, most of these) things that are on websites like, I Am A Mother To An Angel, are just plain-old depressing. They make your heart ache more. I still decided to record this one just because it's an interesting concept:
It's eerily terrifying that there is no sound
when a heart breaks.
Car accidents end with a bang,
falling ends with a thud,
even writing makes
the scratching sound
of pencil against paper.
But the sound of a heart breaking
is completely silent.
Almost as though no one,
not even the universe itself
could create a sound
for such devastation.
Almost as though
silence is the only way
the universe could pay its respect
to the sound of a heart falling apart.
-Nikita Gill
(Remember the Bhattachyrra's dog's name was Nikita?)
Great Grief
On #OCA Facebook page today:
Great grief is the product of great love. And like love, grief has the capacity to grow. There won't ever be a day when you're not grieving, but that doesn't mean you're sentenced to a lifetime of misery. -Franchesca Cox
Great grief is the product of great love. And like love, grief has the capacity to grow. There won't ever be a day when you're not grieving, but that doesn't mean you're sentenced to a lifetime of misery. -Franchesca Cox
September Dream
You were in my dream last night. Sometimes it's so familiar to be with you that I forget that's not normal anymore.
You were with me and it felt like we were visiting people. We went to Matt Stewart's lake house although I don't think he has one, but we were there and we were outside and I told him somehow that you were there to visit/hang out. He didn't seem to think much of it, like it wasn't weird or anything.
I so love being with you! It feels so natural. Can't wait til that really happens again. Love you so much!
You were with me and it felt like we were visiting people. We went to Matt Stewart's lake house although I don't think he has one, but we were there and we were outside and I told him somehow that you were there to visit/hang out. He didn't seem to think much of it, like it wasn't weird or anything.
I so love being with you! It feels so natural. Can't wait til that really happens again. Love you so much!
My Heart Will Go On
I don't remember if I ever recorded these lyrics, but the song is on now, so here goes:
My Heart Will Go On
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone
Love is when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Good to be afflicted
Here are several good verses from today's Grief Bites:
It's good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes. (Psalm 119:71)
And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. (Luke 9:23)
Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe also in me. (John 14:1)
It's good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes. (Psalm 119:71)
And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. (Luke 9:23)
Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe also in me. (John 14:1)
Whoa Susanna
I just heard the Josh Groban version of "Remember Me" that I had only heard "The Canadian Tenors" sing before. Thank you for that if you had a hand in that. I also heard "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban this morning.
I had some notes from a little video I watched online the other day of a lady named "Whoa Susanna". She watched her dad die when she was a child (he had a heart attack in front of her) and she lost her mother about a year ago. She was filming from the cemetery on her dad's birthday I think it was and she was talking about 2 Corinthians 1:3 that we have been comforted so we can give the same comfort to someone else and the more we suffer the more we will be showered by God's comfort.
God allowed what happened and He comforts us and in turn we are to be an encouragement to others. She says so many people comment on how strong she is, but she said her strength comes from the Lord. I am weak but He is strong. Everything is for His glory. She also had a shirt on that said, "It's Not Over Yet." Praise God! Love you boy!
I had some notes from a little video I watched online the other day of a lady named "Whoa Susanna". She watched her dad die when she was a child (he had a heart attack in front of her) and she lost her mother about a year ago. She was filming from the cemetery on her dad's birthday I think it was and she was talking about 2 Corinthians 1:3 that we have been comforted so we can give the same comfort to someone else and the more we suffer the more we will be showered by God's comfort.
God allowed what happened and He comforts us and in turn we are to be an encouragement to others. She says so many people comment on how strong she is, but she said her strength comes from the Lord. I am weak but He is strong. Everything is for His glory. She also had a shirt on that said, "It's Not Over Yet." Praise God! Love you boy!
Thursday, September 22, 2016
I Will Be Here
This song came on Pandora today and I remembered how much I liked it. It's by Steven Curtis Chapman.
I Will Be Here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I...I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I...I will be here
I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I...I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I...I will be here
I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here, hmmm
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I...I will be here
We'll be together
I will be here
Remember Me
This song was on Pandora by The Canadian Tenors but when I went to look up the lyrics, apparently Josh Groban sings it too. Cool.
Remember Me
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me
I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I can still reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die
Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
Remember me...
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me
Remember me
Remember...me...
Remember Me
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me
I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I can still reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die
Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
Remember me...
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me
Remember me
Remember...me...
If You Lived
As I contemplate your death daily, it's easy for me to wonder why you had to die and I continue to wish for the life you had before the accident. Today, though, I saw a bunch of special needs adults heading to Dan's for lunch and then someone parked a truck in front of the office with a wheelchair in the back with the headrest and everything, and those were reminders that IF YOU LIVED, your life would not have been how it was. There is no way it could have been.
First of all, there was the brain injury. That took you away. IF YOU LIVED, that would be huge to deal with. Either you would be lying pretty-much-dead on a bed with your vital organs being regulated by machines or in a wheelchair, etc. Even if you could "function" it wouldn't be you anymore. You would hate that, I know that.
Even without the brain injury, which is impossible, your legs were MESSED UP. It would have taken months, maybe even years of physical therapy to probably even walk again, let alone do anything remotely close to what you did before that day. SUFFERING (a white butterfly is flying around outside my window-thanks) is what your life would consist of. (I'm using a lot of caps for some reason-never have before. I need to pound this into my head though). I would never wish that on you. I am gladly suffering in your place. (That combination of words, "gladly suffering" is so odd).
This reminds me of a quote I recorded earlier today: When God gives you a "no", give Him a "thank you." He was protecting you from less than His best.
Dear God, help me remember this. I don't say "dear God" a lot. I said it though when I first saw you in your casket. DEAR GOD.
First of all, there was the brain injury. That took you away. IF YOU LIVED, that would be huge to deal with. Either you would be lying pretty-much-dead on a bed with your vital organs being regulated by machines or in a wheelchair, etc. Even if you could "function" it wouldn't be you anymore. You would hate that, I know that.
Even without the brain injury, which is impossible, your legs were MESSED UP. It would have taken months, maybe even years of physical therapy to probably even walk again, let alone do anything remotely close to what you did before that day. SUFFERING (a white butterfly is flying around outside my window-thanks) is what your life would consist of. (I'm using a lot of caps for some reason-never have before. I need to pound this into my head though). I would never wish that on you. I am gladly suffering in your place. (That combination of words, "gladly suffering" is so odd).
This reminds me of a quote I recorded earlier today: When God gives you a "no", give Him a "thank you." He was protecting you from less than His best.
Dear God, help me remember this. I don't say "dear God" a lot. I said it though when I first saw you in your casket. DEAR GOD.
Amazing dream
This dream wasn't really about you, but you were mentioned in it. I just want to record it for some reason.
I had a dream that I heard that R died of a heart attack because of all the pressure he is under. I felt really bad for his boys and for some reason I happened to be at the place where his casket was which was really just a box. It was closed at first but then somebody opened it and he was curled up sideways in a fetal position. I felt really bad for him and his boys, but then he started moving around and doing some weird things and then he kind of like woke up. Everybody was so happy and there was a line of people hugging him, etc. I felt like I had to be in that line too. Before I got in the line I remember thinking or telling someone, "I wish that could have happened for/to Hayden."
When I got to him in the line I gave him a huge hug and promised him that I would help him/be there for him even though I know I was still married in my dream. I made a plan to sneak him some dinner at some point. I went back to some potluck/banquet thing that my Dad and Lisa were at and everybody was of course talking about what had happened to R. For the dinner I was going to sneak him, it was going to be something that I made, not anything from the potluck/banquet I was at.(Now that I am writing it down, it doesn't seem as amazing, but it felt amazing in the dream.)
I remember before I went to bed that I was questioning my feelings about him because how could I like someone who I didn't know was a believer or not. That was probably what prompted the dream but it made me feel like God was trying to tell me something like that R was a believer or that he could be, like he was given a second chance or was born again by coming back to life that way. I don't know. I feel kind of weird writing this down here, but I don't know where else to write it down. I had a thought when I first woke up that maybe I should text R and tell him to make sure he takes things easy as a warning or something, but I've dreamt of other people dying and they haven't, plus it would probably be super weird and I think he's trying to keep his distance from me as it is.
Anyway, there it is. Love you sweet boy!
(Conclusion: I am going to keep liking him and praying for him.)
I had a dream that I heard that R died of a heart attack because of all the pressure he is under. I felt really bad for his boys and for some reason I happened to be at the place where his casket was which was really just a box. It was closed at first but then somebody opened it and he was curled up sideways in a fetal position. I felt really bad for him and his boys, but then he started moving around and doing some weird things and then he kind of like woke up. Everybody was so happy and there was a line of people hugging him, etc. I felt like I had to be in that line too. Before I got in the line I remember thinking or telling someone, "I wish that could have happened for/to Hayden."
When I got to him in the line I gave him a huge hug and promised him that I would help him/be there for him even though I know I was still married in my dream. I made a plan to sneak him some dinner at some point. I went back to some potluck/banquet thing that my Dad and Lisa were at and everybody was of course talking about what had happened to R. For the dinner I was going to sneak him, it was going to be something that I made, not anything from the potluck/banquet I was at.(Now that I am writing it down, it doesn't seem as amazing, but it felt amazing in the dream.)
I remember before I went to bed that I was questioning my feelings about him because how could I like someone who I didn't know was a believer or not. That was probably what prompted the dream but it made me feel like God was trying to tell me something like that R was a believer or that he could be, like he was given a second chance or was born again by coming back to life that way. I don't know. I feel kind of weird writing this down here, but I don't know where else to write it down. I had a thought when I first woke up that maybe I should text R and tell him to make sure he takes things easy as a warning or something, but I've dreamt of other people dying and they haven't, plus it would probably be super weird and I think he's trying to keep his distance from me as it is.
Anyway, there it is. Love you sweet boy!
(Conclusion: I am going to keep liking him and praying for him.)
New Normal
This was from today's devotional from the series, Grief Bites:
"Nothing is more effective at turning the negative emotions of loss into something of great value than allowing God to cultivate a heart of gratefulness in and through your struggles. It helps you to create a 'new normal.'"
"Focus on the good and you'll eventually begin to see life as good and have the ability to live a good life...even in spite of circumstances."
"Nothing is more effective at turning the negative emotions of loss into something of great value than allowing God to cultivate a heart of gratefulness in and through your struggles. It helps you to create a 'new normal.'"
"Focus on the good and you'll eventually begin to see life as good and have the ability to live a good life...even in spite of circumstances."
Mountain
I think this was on Todd Campbell's Facebook page the other day:
You have been assigned this mountain to show others that it can be moved. -Toby Mac
You have been assigned this mountain to show others that it can be moved. -Toby Mac
Worry
This was on someone's Facebook page the other day:
Worry is believing God won't get it right. -Todd Wagner
Worry is believing God won't get it right. -Todd Wagner
When God says "no"
This was on someone's Facebook page the other day:
When God gives you a "no", give Him a "thank you". He was protecting you from less than His best.
-Spiritual Inspiration
When God gives you a "no", give Him a "thank you". He was protecting you from less than His best.
-Spiritual Inspiration
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
It Doesn't Get Easier
It doesn't get easier. You get stronger.
(I think Lydia Kimball posted this on her Facebook page)
(I think Lydia Kimball posted this on her Facebook page)
Reconsidering
In the post titled "Role Reversal", I was realizing today that there are things that kids experience that parents don't but it's not that big of a deal. You've been to California and Haiti-I have not. I lost a child, my dad has not-he doesn't know what it's like. That doesn't mean that parent and child roles have been reversed. Carter's had surgery-I have not. It doesn't mean I'm not his mother anymore.
Maybe I mean the big things like dying and being in the presence of the Lord. That does make things different. But it doesn't mean that I have to feel inferior or anything like that. It's just different now, that's all. Love you!
Maybe I mean the big things like dying and being in the presence of the Lord. That does make things different. But it doesn't mean that I have to feel inferior or anything like that. It's just different now, that's all. Love you!
Beau Taplin quotes
Since I shared that quote from Beau Taplin, I looked a little into who he is and other quotes from him. I am not totally sure if the quote I posted today about you has to do with death although it does apply and Sarah Curry used it in reference to her mother Tina. Oh, well. He is a young contemporary poet from Australia. Here we go:
"Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest-thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated."
"She was unstoppable. Not because she didn't have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them."
"I've always been enchanted by the endings of things. Series finales and sunsets. Last paragraphs and encores. I think for the way they remind me that losing something you love isn't always sad and heartbreaking, but sometimes breathtaking and beautiful."
"Sunsets are proof that endings can often be beautiful too."
(You loved sunsets! Love you boy!)
"Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest-thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated."
"She was unstoppable. Not because she didn't have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them."
"I've always been enchanted by the endings of things. Series finales and sunsets. Last paragraphs and encores. I think for the way they remind me that losing something you love isn't always sad and heartbreaking, but sometimes breathtaking and beautiful."
"Sunsets are proof that endings can often be beautiful too."
(You loved sunsets! Love you boy!)
Angels Calling
Thanks to having my new variety on Pandora, I'm hearing a lot of new Canadian Tenor songs. Here's another one:
The sun, the sun is going down.
All I see is love around me.
You know, what I believe.
Now I see it so completely.
I, I need you to know, that time, time is letting go.
Don't cry, dry your eyes.
Can't you hear the angels calling me up? Up above?
Can't you hear the angels calling me home? Me home?
(They're) calling me home.
Take, take my hand.
Stay with me, as I surrender.
We've lived a life of happiness.
You will be in my heart forever.
I, I need you to know, that time is letting go.
Don't cry, dry your eyes.
Can't you hear the angels calling me up? Up above?
Can't you hear the angels calling me home? Me home?
(They're) calling me home, home.
Home, home.
Home, home.
Watching Over Me
I've always loved The Canadian Tenors and listened to them a lot even before you died. I recently added them and Josh Groban as variety to my Pandora playlists, and I already heard "Forever Young" last night and "To Where You Are." This song came on today which I love as well, so I thought I would record the lyrics:
Watching Over Me
The pure, the bright, the beautiful that stirred our hearts in you
The whisper of a wordless prayer; the streams of love and truth
A longing after something lost
The spirit's yearning cry
Striving after the better hopes these things can never die
There will always be the shining sun
There will always be the rising of the sea
There will always be an angel watching over me
There will always be an angel watching over me
A timid hand stretched forth to aid a brother in his need
A kindly word in grief's dark hour that proves a friend in need
So shall a light that cannot fade leave on thee from on high
And angel voices say to thee these things shall never die
There will always be the shining sun
There will always be the rising of the sea
There will always be an angel watching over me
There will always be an angel watching over me
There will always be the shining sun
There will always be the rising of the sea
There will always be an angel watching over me
There will always be an angel watching over me
You're Here
Sarah Curry posted this on her Facebook page (Tina's daughter) and I shared it today on my page in honor of the 20th/21st:
"I don't miss you because you're gone.
Quite the opposite in fact.
I miss you because you're here, every
minute of every day, in my heart,
in my thoughts, in my veins. I
don't miss you because I want you back.
I miss you because you never truly left."
-Beau Tapin, A little known fact of longing
"I don't miss you because you're gone.
Quite the opposite in fact.
I miss you because you're here, every
minute of every day, in my heart,
in my thoughts, in my veins. I
don't miss you because I want you back.
I miss you because you never truly left."
-Beau Tapin, A little known fact of longing
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
I'll See You Again
Today on Pandora I updated the variety to add Josh Groban and The Canadian Tenors. It is playing "like" music as well and this song came on today by a group called Westlife. Here are the lyrics to I'll See You Again:
Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you hear
(Chorus:)
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again
When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy
And I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life
(Chorus)
When I had the time to tell you
I never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again
(Chorus)
I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel like you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye
A Year and A Month
It's September 20th which is one month past the one-year anniversary of your accident. It seems weird to be on the other side of a year. It seems like each month before was leading up to the year. Now anything over a year seems arbitrary. Like it's negative or something, which isn't possible. Like it's taking away something. It's not like it's starting over, it's like going in the hole. Love you!
Monday, September 19, 2016
What we're made of
From Grief Bites. Had to get caught up from the weekend.
"Not everybody has the opportunity to find out exactly what they are made of. We all think we know what we believe, think, and understand about God, relationships, and life...but loss tests everything in life to a great level: your relationship (and loyalty) to God, family and others...as well as all previously held thoughts beliefs, and feelings about many topics. Loss has the potential to forever change a person...for the better or worse."
"Not everybody has the opportunity to find out exactly what they are made of. We all think we know what we believe, think, and understand about God, relationships, and life...but loss tests everything in life to a great level: your relationship (and loyalty) to God, family and others...as well as all previously held thoughts beliefs, and feelings about many topics. Loss has the potential to forever change a person...for the better or worse."
Tears in a bottle
I have always found this to be a lovely thought. It is from Grief Bites.
Psalm 56:8
You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in your book?
Psalm 56:8
You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in your book?
Utter loss
Mrs. Ledford introduced me to this series online called, Grief Bites. It's a 45-day reading plan with a devotional and then some Bible verses. Here is an excerpt from one of the days and some supporting Bible verses:
"We live in a world of utter loss. There are no easy answers. But we do serve a God who does not willingly bring grief to anyone. It is not God who is the source of devastation, it is always the enemy who has caused horrendous heartache, devastation and disasters.
Lamentations 3:33
For He does not afflict willingly,
Nor grieve the chidren of men.
John 10:10
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
"We live in a world of utter loss. There are no easy answers. But we do serve a God who does not willingly bring grief to anyone. It is not God who is the source of devastation, it is always the enemy who has caused horrendous heartache, devastation and disasters.
Lamentations 3:33
For He does not afflict willingly,
Nor grieve the chidren of men.
John 10:10
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
Part of my heart
From I Am A Mother To An Angel:
Half (one-third in my case) of my heart is in heaven with my angel.
Brave enough
From #OCA today:
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. -Brene Brown
(When I re-read this quote, I noticed that it said "our" light not "the" light. Encouraging!)
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. -Brene Brown
(When I re-read this quote, I noticed that it said "our" light not "the" light. Encouraging!)
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Heartbreaking Hymn
This is a story about Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns. I love their music and it has helped me a lot with what happened to you. There was an article about him on Faithit today. He recently found out that he had cancer. Here are some excerpts from the article:
"Though he spent his whole life uplifting other and singing the goodness of God, Mark realized he was now being put to the ultimate test. Could he really live out the faith he'd been preaching on a public stage all of these years as a worship leader and a pastor?"
"In a podcast last month, Hall shared that staying grounded in his faith and the healing hand of God helped him to press through the difficult journey."
"My feelings kept slamming up against something solid in me, and that was the roots of my faith,
he said. The fact that I've been in the Word for years. The fact that I've been following Jesus for years, and the roots of my faith were reminding me: God is who He says He is."
"All of these things you've ever read and believed and trusted are true. It doesn't stop being true just because this took you by surprise," he added, referencing David's questions in Psalm 43:5, Why art thou cast down O my soul?"
"I think sometimes when we're caught by surprise we feel like maybe God's caught by surprise, said Hall. But He's at the end of my life looking back on it. So I've got to remind myself of that."
"You never speak louder to the world about your faith than when you're in a storm, said Hall. For me, I knew I'd taught a lot of lessons. I've written books, I've written songs, but I'm about to tell the world a whole lot through what happens in the next months."
"Overall the tragedy taught Hall a profound lesson and a lasting message that he feels is so important to share with this broken world where we find it hard to reconcile suffering with God's goodness:
When we have a friend who's suffering, we feel like we need to fix it. We feel like we need to defend God, make sure they're not mad at God and give them a bunch of reason why God's still good. That's probably not what they need. They just need you to be there, listen to them, cry with them. You don't have to be the answers to all of life's questions.
I've always tried to give that advice to my own students, but the other half of that that I learned is when you're hurting, you need to let the church be the church. They're not always going to say it right but the root of it is love. You have to realize you can't walk through it by yourself, you need people walking through it with you."
"Though he spent his whole life uplifting other and singing the goodness of God, Mark realized he was now being put to the ultimate test. Could he really live out the faith he'd been preaching on a public stage all of these years as a worship leader and a pastor?"
"In a podcast last month, Hall shared that staying grounded in his faith and the healing hand of God helped him to press through the difficult journey."
"My feelings kept slamming up against something solid in me, and that was the roots of my faith,
he said. The fact that I've been in the Word for years. The fact that I've been following Jesus for years, and the roots of my faith were reminding me: God is who He says He is."
"All of these things you've ever read and believed and trusted are true. It doesn't stop being true just because this took you by surprise," he added, referencing David's questions in Psalm 43:5, Why art thou cast down O my soul?"
"I think sometimes when we're caught by surprise we feel like maybe God's caught by surprise, said Hall. But He's at the end of my life looking back on it. So I've got to remind myself of that."
"You never speak louder to the world about your faith than when you're in a storm, said Hall. For me, I knew I'd taught a lot of lessons. I've written books, I've written songs, but I'm about to tell the world a whole lot through what happens in the next months."
"Overall the tragedy taught Hall a profound lesson and a lasting message that he feels is so important to share with this broken world where we find it hard to reconcile suffering with God's goodness:
When we have a friend who's suffering, we feel like we need to fix it. We feel like we need to defend God, make sure they're not mad at God and give them a bunch of reason why God's still good. That's probably not what they need. They just need you to be there, listen to them, cry with them. You don't have to be the answers to all of life's questions.
I've always tried to give that advice to my own students, but the other half of that that I learned is when you're hurting, you need to let the church be the church. They're not always going to say it right but the root of it is love. You have to realize you can't walk through it by yourself, you need people walking through it with you."
You Would Want Me To
This was on the Facebook page, I Am A Mother To An Angel
When you died,
It was the biggest shock of my life.
Nothing prepared me for it.
I live each day wondering how I will get through it,
and then I remember
that you would want me to. -Anonymous
When you died,
It was the biggest shock of my life.
Nothing prepared me for it.
I live each day wondering how I will get through it,
and then I remember
that you would want me to. -Anonymous
When I Post
I was thinking of sharing this on my Facebook page, but I'm not sure. It was on the I Am A Mother To An Angel page:
When I post about my loved one, it is not to get sympathy,
It is to keep their memory alive.
When I post about my loved one, it is not to get sympathy,
It is to keep their memory alive.
No One
This was on the Facebook page, I Am A Mother To An Angel:
Remember that no one, no one, no one has the exact relationship you do with your precious child. No one will feel the exact same piercing agony, pain and longing you do for your child. Therefore, no one has a right to give you unsolicited advice about how to tend to your soul-deep wound-this holiday season-or any day of the year. -Angela Miller, A Bed For My Heart
Remember that no one, no one, no one has the exact relationship you do with your precious child. No one will feel the exact same piercing agony, pain and longing you do for your child. Therefore, no one has a right to give you unsolicited advice about how to tend to your soul-deep wound-this holiday season-or any day of the year. -Angela Miller, A Bed For My Heart
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Lunch with Nance
The last time I was with Nance was at her lake house on Labor Day weekend. We talked for most of the day, but towards the end of the day the conversation lulled a little bit because we were together all day. We were the only two moms so it felt like we had to talk, but later on in the day we were doing our own little things, like I was sitting on the couch watching TV with the kids and she was putzing around the kitchen. I was totally fine with it because I was "talked out" but I don't know how she was with it.
With the busyness of the holiday and school starting last week, we decided to skip our Thursday night meeting and then this week she asked if we could meet earlier because she and John were headed to the lake house this weekend Thursday afternoon. I felt like skipping it a little but in case it was awkward, but kept the lunch date. We went and had a wonderful time at Carrigan Café. (Cool-it added that little accent). Anyway, whenever I think I want to cop out on her and not get together and I do anyway, I am always thankful I did. I just wanted to remember that. Love you boy!
(By the way, Nance was talking about her sister-in-law's pancreatic cancer because that is the reason they were heading out to the lake house this weekend (still weird that it is two words) and she was saying how it's getting worse and they weren't able to make it out there. She said that she and John were talking and decided that last year was the worst year of their life between losing you and finding out this lady had cancer. Just wanted to let you know that. Love you sweet boy!)
With the busyness of the holiday and school starting last week, we decided to skip our Thursday night meeting and then this week she asked if we could meet earlier because she and John were headed to the lake house this weekend Thursday afternoon. I felt like skipping it a little but in case it was awkward, but kept the lunch date. We went and had a wonderful time at Carrigan Café. (Cool-it added that little accent). Anyway, whenever I think I want to cop out on her and not get together and I do anyway, I am always thankful I did. I just wanted to remember that. Love you boy!
(By the way, Nance was talking about her sister-in-law's pancreatic cancer because that is the reason they were heading out to the lake house this weekend (still weird that it is two words) and she was saying how it's getting worse and they weren't able to make it out there. She said that she and John were talking and decided that last year was the worst year of their life between losing you and finding out this lady had cancer. Just wanted to let you know that. Love you sweet boy!)
This Tent
This was on my daily Bible verse calendar for today:
"For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made from hands, eternal in the heavens." -2 Corinthians 5:1
Praise God for this!
"For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made from hands, eternal in the heavens." -2 Corinthians 5:1
Praise God for this!
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
It was never me
The hymn, Be Still My Soul, is playing right now and it reminded me of a sad thought I had last night. Dad sang that song and I played on the keyboard at his dad's funeral, so it makes me think of that as well as the funeral home.
Almost every funeral I have been to in my whole life hasn't really "mattered" or wasn't about me. The saddest ones for me were my grandpa, grandma and Papa Gene. But I was always a little detached from each one (except in the case of my grandma I guess because we were so close). I wasn't the focus. I wasn't the one who lived with them or anything.
I always felt lucky or thankful that it wasn't me who was being directly affected by the loss, that I was just there to support someone else. Sometimes I even felt guilty about that fact. Guilty but thankful.
But my time came, my God. Did it ever. Wow. My heart was in that casket with you. My heart.
Almost every funeral I have been to in my whole life hasn't really "mattered" or wasn't about me. The saddest ones for me were my grandpa, grandma and Papa Gene. But I was always a little detached from each one (except in the case of my grandma I guess because we were so close). I wasn't the focus. I wasn't the one who lived with them or anything.
I always felt lucky or thankful that it wasn't me who was being directly affected by the loss, that I was just there to support someone else. Sometimes I even felt guilty about that fact. Guilty but thankful.
But my time came, my God. Did it ever. Wow. My heart was in that casket with you. My heart.
Role Reversal?
Lately I have been having different thoughts about what happened. Some of it has become so real to me and it's scary. I don't know what's scary about it though-the worst has already happened.
It has been a comfort to me to feel like I'm interacting with you sometimes, but I was realizing the other day that you are different now than you were. I don't know more than you anymore. You have experienced things I haven't experienced yet, like being in the presence of God, leaving this life, etc. Dying. It's still so hard to believe, even after all of this time. How can you be gone? My wonderful, amazing, energetic, hilarious, athletic, healthy son?
The song "From Where You Are" just came on. I miss you too. I see so many Sables. So many. More than I should see in short amounts of time and for where I'm at. I saw three on Johnny & Gretchen's road on the way back from their party. Two in the same parking lot at Domino's. They are everywhere-it's amazing! The kids make fun of me, but it's true. I try not to point them out to them anymore.
Dad is impossible again. I got yelled at yesterday for Carter's lawnmowing and washing his new underwear. Please. He accused me of "faking" getting along these past few weeks. If I was good at faking, I think our marriage would have been a lot better in general. I cannot fake things like that. He was nicer, now he's not. He's on me and the kids all of the time about stupid things. And now just because he got a decent check, he's looking at furniture and stupid things to buy. I told him we can't be looking at furniture right now because of all of the people we owe. (Had to stop-a customer just came in and gave me a big hug about an incident that occurred with a rude person a few weeks ago. I just like acknowledging these things because of the timing of them).
Back to you-I feel like you are above me now (ha,ha in a way) which I am fine with-I just don't know my place with you anymore. I am no longer your authority figure. You are better than me now. You are all set-what's my role? I will always be your mother, I know that. I will do my best to keep your memory alive here and to honor you. I will use your story to draw others to Christ. I still have a role, it has just changed. I still have your sister and brother to raise which is the delight of my life like it was raising you. Love you so much sweet boy! This post was all over the place. Sorry!
(Follow up: The song title I recorded "From Where You Are" threw me off a little bit because I wondered if I meant "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. I double-checked though and I quoted the correct title for the song by Lifehouse. It's interesting how the titles just differ by one word, "From" and "To".)
It has been a comfort to me to feel like I'm interacting with you sometimes, but I was realizing the other day that you are different now than you were. I don't know more than you anymore. You have experienced things I haven't experienced yet, like being in the presence of God, leaving this life, etc. Dying. It's still so hard to believe, even after all of this time. How can you be gone? My wonderful, amazing, energetic, hilarious, athletic, healthy son?
The song "From Where You Are" just came on. I miss you too. I see so many Sables. So many. More than I should see in short amounts of time and for where I'm at. I saw three on Johnny & Gretchen's road on the way back from their party. Two in the same parking lot at Domino's. They are everywhere-it's amazing! The kids make fun of me, but it's true. I try not to point them out to them anymore.
Dad is impossible again. I got yelled at yesterday for Carter's lawnmowing and washing his new underwear. Please. He accused me of "faking" getting along these past few weeks. If I was good at faking, I think our marriage would have been a lot better in general. I cannot fake things like that. He was nicer, now he's not. He's on me and the kids all of the time about stupid things. And now just because he got a decent check, he's looking at furniture and stupid things to buy. I told him we can't be looking at furniture right now because of all of the people we owe. (Had to stop-a customer just came in and gave me a big hug about an incident that occurred with a rude person a few weeks ago. I just like acknowledging these things because of the timing of them).
Back to you-I feel like you are above me now (ha,ha in a way) which I am fine with-I just don't know my place with you anymore. I am no longer your authority figure. You are better than me now. You are all set-what's my role? I will always be your mother, I know that. I will do my best to keep your memory alive here and to honor you. I will use your story to draw others to Christ. I still have a role, it has just changed. I still have your sister and brother to raise which is the delight of my life like it was raising you. Love you so much sweet boy! This post was all over the place. Sorry!
(Follow up: The song title I recorded "From Where You Are" threw me off a little bit because I wondered if I meant "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. I double-checked though and I quoted the correct title for the song by Lifehouse. It's interesting how the titles just differ by one word, "From" and "To".)
Strength
From #OCA Facebook page today:
I found that strength comes from taking one step at a time, even when you cannot see the path in front of you. -Angela Trent
I found that strength comes from taking one step at a time, even when you cannot see the path in front of you. -Angela Trent
Monday, September 12, 2016
Feeling better
Yesterday I woke up not feeling too great, but not bad enough to miss church. I hate missing church! It screws up my whole week! Anyway, Dad suggested that I stay home since he was sick too, but I decided to still go. I am so glad I did! The Morning Service was good as always, but something that Pastor taught on in the Evening Service really impacted me.
He has been going through Ecclesiastes (I'm going to see how well I remember it without looking it up) and it said something about letting your sorrows go. Pastor said that being sad and depressed all the time isn't Christian-like because it means we are not thankful for what we have, we're just focusing on what we don't have or what we lost. He said it's ok to mourn/grieve when something sad happens, but that wallowing in it is very selfish. It's just feeling sorry for yourself. Ok, I'm looking it up. BRB.
Ecclesiastes 11:10: Therefore remove sorrow from your heart
That helped me a lot. I feel like I didn't do this thought justice but I just wanted to remember it because it's helping my outlook greatly today. Love you sweet boy!
Also, we sang a new hymn last night called Farther Along and one of the lines was:
When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
(Two more lines that don't relate to this)
Chorus:
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother and live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by
He has been going through Ecclesiastes (I'm going to see how well I remember it without looking it up) and it said something about letting your sorrows go. Pastor said that being sad and depressed all the time isn't Christian-like because it means we are not thankful for what we have, we're just focusing on what we don't have or what we lost. He said it's ok to mourn/grieve when something sad happens, but that wallowing in it is very selfish. It's just feeling sorry for yourself. Ok, I'm looking it up. BRB.
Ecclesiastes 11:10: Therefore remove sorrow from your heart
That helped me a lot. I feel like I didn't do this thought justice but I just wanted to remember it because it's helping my outlook greatly today. Love you sweet boy!
Also, we sang a new hymn last night called Farther Along and one of the lines was:
When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
(Two more lines that don't relate to this)
Chorus:
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother and live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by
Insensitivity
It's unbelievable the things that people will say to us without even realizing how hurtful it is. One that stands out is something that Hope told me that Allie said. She told Hope that she never sees Ethan and that she misses him. Hope thought, "I can never see my big brother again."
People don't think! Like when Brenda plopped down at our table at Aunt Gretchen's party and started going on and on about how much she hates retirement and how she hates cooking, not being part of the corporate world, how she was forced to retire because of her health, etc. Who does she think she's talking to? How would you like to wake up day after day without your kid? How would that feel? As Carter would say, "Geeeezz." It's all part of the battle, sweet boy. Love you so much!
People don't think! Like when Brenda plopped down at our table at Aunt Gretchen's party and started going on and on about how much she hates retirement and how she hates cooking, not being part of the corporate world, how she was forced to retire because of her health, etc. Who does she think she's talking to? How would you like to wake up day after day without your kid? How would that feel? As Carter would say, "Geeeezz." It's all part of the battle, sweet boy. Love you so much!
Friday, September 9, 2016
Spiritual Communion
Another great message from the "Healing From Loss" devotional book I read nightly. It's from September 8.
"I know that we live in the lives of those we touch. I have felt in me the living presence of many I have loved and who have loved me. I experience my daughter's presence with me daily. And I know that this is not limited to those we know in the flesh, for many guests of my life shared neither time nor space with me." -Elizabeth Watson
All of us experience a kind of spiritual communion with friends who are not necessarily in our immediate physical presence. When we get together after long absences, it seems "as though it were yesterday." Is this perhaps partly because we do carry one another somewhere in our unconscious minds, though we are separated?
If with the living, why not with the dead? And this sense we have of knowing those whose words we read or whom we hear about, so that if they walked into the room we would know them-is this, too, evidence of a communion of spirits?
The world of the spirit is a world without walls-of time, of space, of physical reality. We can close our eyes, retreat into ourselves, and be at home with the throngs of people we know and love. Surely this is in some way akin to the "communion of saints" of which the mystics write.
When I am alone I can choose some company to be with me.
"I know that we live in the lives of those we touch. I have felt in me the living presence of many I have loved and who have loved me. I experience my daughter's presence with me daily. And I know that this is not limited to those we know in the flesh, for many guests of my life shared neither time nor space with me." -Elizabeth Watson
All of us experience a kind of spiritual communion with friends who are not necessarily in our immediate physical presence. When we get together after long absences, it seems "as though it were yesterday." Is this perhaps partly because we do carry one another somewhere in our unconscious minds, though we are separated?
If with the living, why not with the dead? And this sense we have of knowing those whose words we read or whom we hear about, so that if they walked into the room we would know them-is this, too, evidence of a communion of spirits?
The world of the spirit is a world without walls-of time, of space, of physical reality. We can close our eyes, retreat into ourselves, and be at home with the throngs of people we know and love. Surely this is in some way akin to the "communion of saints" of which the mystics write.
When I am alone I can choose some company to be with me.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Proof That God Still Loves Me
I'm pretty sure I have read this article before and probably wrote about it, but it's definitely worth repeating. It's by Reggie Osborne.
Life is troublesome, which is to say that much of life is incredibly painful and can cause us to question our most rock-solid convictions. Christians are not immune to troubles. Jesus told us plainly that we would have them.
"In this world you will have trouble..." (John 16:33)
I have had my own troubles over the last year, some of which I have written about, but many others that I haven't. These often keep me up at night. They distract me at work. They cause me to stare blankly into space at the dinner table with my family until a child asks, "Daddy, are you okay?" They bring out emotions in me that I'd rather not feel and thoughts that I'd rather not think.
I would like to face all of my problems directly, to confront them and reconcile them. I would like to deal with them and put them to bed. I would like to be rid of them quickly and cleanly as soon as they come.
But not all troubles can be fixed and not all wounds heal the way that we'd like them to. It's these things, these lingering pains and blights, that bring out the worst in me.
And the worst is not anger. God has spared me from that disease. It's not retaliation. I don't attack others or lash out at innocent people. It's not fear. I'm not afraid of life's darkness, to which we've all grown accustomed.
No, all of these responses would be bad, but the one that most often threatens me is the one that is worse than all of the others. It is, I confess, "doubt." In times of trouble, I am often tempted to doubt God's present love for me.
This happens when I begin to wonder whether or not my suffering will do permanent damage to my life-an unbiblical idea, I know, since I will receive a new, incorruptible body and life one day-but a discouraging idea, nonetheless.
Enduring temporary suffering is easy, if we can be confident that no lasting damage will be done. But when it seems as if the damage will follow us all the way to the grave, we are particularly vulnerable to doubting God's love.
How could God love me and take me from my small children? How could God love me and let someone destroy my reputation for offenses I did not commit? How could God love me and take away all that I've worked for in His name?
And though there are perfectly sound doctrinal reasons for trusting God's love, and though there are many biblical examples of godly men and women who have experienced things far worse than these, this is the wound in my heart that Satan threatens to rip open during troubling times.
And so it is helpful to remember this fact, that God does not set out, each day, to prove His love for me anew. He is not like the man who feels, each day, as if he must convince his wandering wife of his affection.
True, everyday brings new displays of God's grace and goodness. Each breath is a demonstration of God's longsuffering with sinners who deserve to die. Every molecule of oxygen that we breathe, every boundary of gravity that orders this universe, every force of friction that keeps tectonic plates from shifting into global apocalypse...these are all displays of God's grace and kindness toward us.
But when we speak of God's love, we speak of something that He set out to prove, once and for all, long before I was ever born. When we speak of God's love, we need not look into the skies for rainbows or stare into the healthy faces of our children. When we speak of God's love, we need only close our eyes and imagine a Righteous Man, sinless, guilty of nothing whatsoever, tortured and crucified in our place.
This act, barbaric and gruesome, is not merely a display of divine grace or kindness or patience (though it is all of those things and more). This act, as exposed as the naked body of our Lord, is God's proof to all-ONCE & FOR ALL-that He loves sinners.
And on my darkest day, after sleepless nights, when all my noble goals and desires appear to be crumbling apart through no apparent fault of my own...in my darkest hour, when I am tempted to surrender to doubt and ask, with Job, "Why has the Lord taken away my righteousness?"...
In those times of pain, I must take my eyes, for a moment, OFF of my suffering and tell myself, "This cancer, this trial, this attack, this depravity...this is not the test of God's love for me. His love does not hang in the balance of today's uncertainty." He proved His love for me, once and for all, at the cross of Jesus the Christ.
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son...(John 3:16)
In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. (1 John 4:9)
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
It's amazing to me that God's justice, kindness, goodness, graciousness, and mercy are shown in many different ways throughout the Bible, and these qualities are also plainly evident in the world around me. But when God set out to prove His love for me, He did it once and for all in the death of Jesus on my behalf. And over and over again in His Word, He means to tell me plainly, "I love you, (Andi), and I proved it there."
So I cling to this, and I fight doubt with this. I bolster my faith and stand firm in my life. Why did I have cancer? I don't know. Why do I suffer? I don't know. Why is this so painful? I don't know.
But I know this: God is not my enemy. He is my Father who loves me. And He need not prove His love to me through healing, alleviation of pain, financial prosperity, or towering achievements. Though I may ask for all of these, His proof of love does not depend on any of them.
His love was proven in Christ. It is confirmed by Christ in my heart. It will be affirmed by Christ when I stand before Him and am welcomed into His kingdom.
That is all we need, Christians. No other demonstration of love is necessary for us. The cross of Christ is proof enough.
Life is troublesome, which is to say that much of life is incredibly painful and can cause us to question our most rock-solid convictions. Christians are not immune to troubles. Jesus told us plainly that we would have them.
"In this world you will have trouble..." (John 16:33)
I have had my own troubles over the last year, some of which I have written about, but many others that I haven't. These often keep me up at night. They distract me at work. They cause me to stare blankly into space at the dinner table with my family until a child asks, "Daddy, are you okay?" They bring out emotions in me that I'd rather not feel and thoughts that I'd rather not think.
I would like to face all of my problems directly, to confront them and reconcile them. I would like to deal with them and put them to bed. I would like to be rid of them quickly and cleanly as soon as they come.
But not all troubles can be fixed and not all wounds heal the way that we'd like them to. It's these things, these lingering pains and blights, that bring out the worst in me.
And the worst is not anger. God has spared me from that disease. It's not retaliation. I don't attack others or lash out at innocent people. It's not fear. I'm not afraid of life's darkness, to which we've all grown accustomed.
No, all of these responses would be bad, but the one that most often threatens me is the one that is worse than all of the others. It is, I confess, "doubt." In times of trouble, I am often tempted to doubt God's present love for me.
This happens when I begin to wonder whether or not my suffering will do permanent damage to my life-an unbiblical idea, I know, since I will receive a new, incorruptible body and life one day-but a discouraging idea, nonetheless.
Enduring temporary suffering is easy, if we can be confident that no lasting damage will be done. But when it seems as if the damage will follow us all the way to the grave, we are particularly vulnerable to doubting God's love.
How could God love me and take me from my small children? How could God love me and let someone destroy my reputation for offenses I did not commit? How could God love me and take away all that I've worked for in His name?
And though there are perfectly sound doctrinal reasons for trusting God's love, and though there are many biblical examples of godly men and women who have experienced things far worse than these, this is the wound in my heart that Satan threatens to rip open during troubling times.
And so it is helpful to remember this fact, that God does not set out, each day, to prove His love for me anew. He is not like the man who feels, each day, as if he must convince his wandering wife of his affection.
True, everyday brings new displays of God's grace and goodness. Each breath is a demonstration of God's longsuffering with sinners who deserve to die. Every molecule of oxygen that we breathe, every boundary of gravity that orders this universe, every force of friction that keeps tectonic plates from shifting into global apocalypse...these are all displays of God's grace and kindness toward us.
But when we speak of God's love, we speak of something that He set out to prove, once and for all, long before I was ever born. When we speak of God's love, we need not look into the skies for rainbows or stare into the healthy faces of our children. When we speak of God's love, we need only close our eyes and imagine a Righteous Man, sinless, guilty of nothing whatsoever, tortured and crucified in our place.
This act, barbaric and gruesome, is not merely a display of divine grace or kindness or patience (though it is all of those things and more). This act, as exposed as the naked body of our Lord, is God's proof to all-ONCE & FOR ALL-that He loves sinners.
And on my darkest day, after sleepless nights, when all my noble goals and desires appear to be crumbling apart through no apparent fault of my own...in my darkest hour, when I am tempted to surrender to doubt and ask, with Job, "Why has the Lord taken away my righteousness?"...
In those times of pain, I must take my eyes, for a moment, OFF of my suffering and tell myself, "This cancer, this trial, this attack, this depravity...this is not the test of God's love for me. His love does not hang in the balance of today's uncertainty." He proved His love for me, once and for all, at the cross of Jesus the Christ.
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son...(John 3:16)
In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. (1 John 4:9)
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
It's amazing to me that God's justice, kindness, goodness, graciousness, and mercy are shown in many different ways throughout the Bible, and these qualities are also plainly evident in the world around me. But when God set out to prove His love for me, He did it once and for all in the death of Jesus on my behalf. And over and over again in His Word, He means to tell me plainly, "I love you, (Andi), and I proved it there."
So I cling to this, and I fight doubt with this. I bolster my faith and stand firm in my life. Why did I have cancer? I don't know. Why do I suffer? I don't know. Why is this so painful? I don't know.
But I know this: God is not my enemy. He is my Father who loves me. And He need not prove His love to me through healing, alleviation of pain, financial prosperity, or towering achievements. Though I may ask for all of these, His proof of love does not depend on any of them.
His love was proven in Christ. It is confirmed by Christ in my heart. It will be affirmed by Christ when I stand before Him and am welcomed into His kingdom.
That is all we need, Christians. No other demonstration of love is necessary for us. The cross of Christ is proof enough.
Cannot Fit Anymore
I just read an article about a blogger who found out her husband was cheating on her. She tells the truth in her blog and has a ton of followers. Hmmm...
Anyway, her name is Doyle Melton and here is a quote from the last sentence of the article:
"You can be shattered and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece," she wrote. "And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore."
Anyway, her name is Doyle Melton and here is a quote from the last sentence of the article:
"You can be shattered and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece," she wrote. "And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore."
At Some Point
This was on Facebook yesterday-I think Susan Brattin shared it:
At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what's happening.
At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what's happening.
Time To Die
From #OCA today:
When it comes time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived. -Henry David Thoreau
I know you did this-you lived! Love you sweet boy!
When it comes time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived. -Henry David Thoreau
I know you did this-you lived! Love you sweet boy!
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
When You Were Still Around
This is the title of a song (the title of the post) that comes on Pandora that is really good (by pianist Michele McLaughlin from her album called Dedication) but it is a good title for what I want to say today.
I watched the tubing video of you behind the Bush family's boat the Saturday before you died and I was looking a lot at the picture that Dad posted of you playing Guitar Hero at Pizza Planet at Disney. What stands out to me from those is just the normal activity (or what used to be normal) of simply being with you. Just being around you and interacting with you. Doing normal things with you like getting you food, talking with you, walking with you, etc. That's what gets me the most-not the grandiose events or fancy pictures or heartfelt posts. Just remembering what it was like to have you here physically.
I know you're still here but in a different way. I love you so much sweet boy!
I watched the tubing video of you behind the Bush family's boat the Saturday before you died and I was looking a lot at the picture that Dad posted of you playing Guitar Hero at Pizza Planet at Disney. What stands out to me from those is just the normal activity (or what used to be normal) of simply being with you. Just being around you and interacting with you. Doing normal things with you like getting you food, talking with you, walking with you, etc. That's what gets me the most-not the grandiose events or fancy pictures or heartfelt posts. Just remembering what it was like to have you here physically.
I know you're still here but in a different way. I love you so much sweet boy!
Dear Tuesday Night Group
We are not returning to Ele's Place in the fall. It's ultimately up to the kids because it's for grieving children but they both decided they did fine in the summer without it, so don't see a need to return. I'm ok with it. It was helpful but it's a good time to "get out" since we've been thinking about it.
I feel a little bad about it because the social worker, Katie Brickman, has been very helpful through emails. I also feel bad that we can't "close" like leaving families do, but I don't see the point of just going back to "close." I thought I would write letters though to be read at the next group, definitely one to the other parents and one maybe to the facilitator, Fran. I am going to work on those here.
Dear Fran and Tuesday night group,
After some discussions over the summer with Hope and Carter, we have decided not to return to Ele's Place this fall. The kids feel that they did fine this summer without it, so it's ultimately up to them. I am sorry that we aren't able to officially "close" out with our group which is the purpose of this letter. Tuesday nights are already filling up for us with Carter's football, so it would have been a challenge anyway.
First of all, I want to thank you, Fran, for all of your compassion and support. I appreciate that you always came prepared with a topic for discussion or a question for those moments when the discussion lulled, but I am also thankful for the times of silence you allowed. Thank you for opening up and sharing your own experiences with loss as well. Your calm and peaceful demeanor was very reassuring and I always looked forward to seeing you each week and "catching up" before or after the group time.
To the parents, thank you for sharing the stories of your beautiful children. Since almost every one of you was ahead of us in your grief journey, I appreciated your insight into handling holidays, insensitive comments from other people, struggling with the "how" of the death when it didn't really change anything, etc. You answered questions I didn't even know I had sometimes, like how to handle it when one of your younger children surpasses the one who died in age, how to answer the question, "How many children do you have?", and so on. Some of my favorite times, ironically, was when we all would burst out laughing over some ridiculous situation that we experienced-I never expected that when I first started coming. I appreciated everyone's personality traits and viewpoints especially and will miss that the most.
I will miss the topics that will be discussed this year too, even though I won't know what they are. I will leave you with the following quote from a book titled, "The Bereaved Parent" by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. I have this written out and posted on the side of my refrigerator so I can read it often:
"Remember, we are different from other people. For most of us, the worst is behind us. It is not something we still have to face.
To my own satisfaction, I have now defined fear. Fear is waiting for a doctor to tell you whether or not your child will live or die! That is a truth all bereaved parents can profit from if they learn it and learn it well.
Anyone can exist. But you have endured more pain that just anyone. You have undergone the ultimate tragedy. You owe yourself more than a shuffling-along existence. You owe yourself some surefooted living."
Blessings and peace to you all,
Andrea Smith
I feel a little bad about it because the social worker, Katie Brickman, has been very helpful through emails. I also feel bad that we can't "close" like leaving families do, but I don't see the point of just going back to "close." I thought I would write letters though to be read at the next group, definitely one to the other parents and one maybe to the facilitator, Fran. I am going to work on those here.
Dear Fran and Tuesday night group,
After some discussions over the summer with Hope and Carter, we have decided not to return to Ele's Place this fall. The kids feel that they did fine this summer without it, so it's ultimately up to them. I am sorry that we aren't able to officially "close" out with our group which is the purpose of this letter. Tuesday nights are already filling up for us with Carter's football, so it would have been a challenge anyway.
First of all, I want to thank you, Fran, for all of your compassion and support. I appreciate that you always came prepared with a topic for discussion or a question for those moments when the discussion lulled, but I am also thankful for the times of silence you allowed. Thank you for opening up and sharing your own experiences with loss as well. Your calm and peaceful demeanor was very reassuring and I always looked forward to seeing you each week and "catching up" before or after the group time.
To the parents, thank you for sharing the stories of your beautiful children. Since almost every one of you was ahead of us in your grief journey, I appreciated your insight into handling holidays, insensitive comments from other people, struggling with the "how" of the death when it didn't really change anything, etc. You answered questions I didn't even know I had sometimes, like how to handle it when one of your younger children surpasses the one who died in age, how to answer the question, "How many children do you have?", and so on. Some of my favorite times, ironically, was when we all would burst out laughing over some ridiculous situation that we experienced-I never expected that when I first started coming. I appreciated everyone's personality traits and viewpoints especially and will miss that the most.
I will miss the topics that will be discussed this year too, even though I won't know what they are. I will leave you with the following quote from a book titled, "The Bereaved Parent" by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. I have this written out and posted on the side of my refrigerator so I can read it often:
"Remember, we are different from other people. For most of us, the worst is behind us. It is not something we still have to face.
To my own satisfaction, I have now defined fear. Fear is waiting for a doctor to tell you whether or not your child will live or die! That is a truth all bereaved parents can profit from if they learn it and learn it well.
Anyone can exist. But you have endured more pain that just anyone. You have undergone the ultimate tragedy. You owe yourself more than a shuffling-along existence. You owe yourself some surefooted living."
Blessings and peace to you all,
Andrea Smith
Things Not Seen
I don't know if I have named any other posts this, but oh, well. This is from the book I have called, Healing After Loss, which I read from every night. There are all good, but this one snuck up on me and surprised me with its message.
September 6
Who sees Me in all,
And sees all in Me,
For him I am not lost,
And he is not lost for Me. -Bhagavad Gita
What we are grieved by and sometimes terrified by is the sheer fact of loss. The loss of the loved one's presence, the loss of his or her love, the loss of his or her Being. How can we be content in a world from which our loved one is forever gone?
But the wisdom of this passage from the Bhagavad Gita, and of passages from other sacred Scriptures, is that the creation continues to embrace us and all those whom we love. We are still somehow bound together in a giant conspiracy of love, mutual care, and ongoing life. As we are not lost to creation, we are not lost to one another.
This is not to deny the pain of separation and the uncertainty of Not Knowing. "Faith," said the apostle Paul, "is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." What we can be fairly sure of, from our own experience and from the experience of others, is that there is more going on in the universe than we can detect with our five senses. "Now," Paul also said, "I see in a glass, darkly. Then I shall see face to face."
Creation holds us, one by one, and all together.
September 6
Who sees Me in all,
And sees all in Me,
For him I am not lost,
And he is not lost for Me. -Bhagavad Gita
What we are grieved by and sometimes terrified by is the sheer fact of loss. The loss of the loved one's presence, the loss of his or her love, the loss of his or her Being. How can we be content in a world from which our loved one is forever gone?
But the wisdom of this passage from the Bhagavad Gita, and of passages from other sacred Scriptures, is that the creation continues to embrace us and all those whom we love. We are still somehow bound together in a giant conspiracy of love, mutual care, and ongoing life. As we are not lost to creation, we are not lost to one another.
This is not to deny the pain of separation and the uncertainty of Not Knowing. "Faith," said the apostle Paul, "is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." What we can be fairly sure of, from our own experience and from the experience of others, is that there is more going on in the universe than we can detect with our five senses. "Now," Paul also said, "I see in a glass, darkly. Then I shall see face to face."
Creation holds us, one by one, and all together.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
How To Tell A Mother
Susan Brattin shared this on Facebook. Not all of this applies to our situation, but it was interesting. The full title of it is How To Tell a Mother Her Child Is Dead. Nobody ever really told me this (that you were dead), but some of the doctors had to give me bad news in general obviously. It's from the NY Times and it was written by Naomi Rosenberg.
Philadelphia-First you get your coat. I don't care if you don't remember where you left it, you find it. If there was a lot of blood you ask someone to go quickly to the basement to get you a new set of scrubs. You put on your coat and you go into the bathroom. You look in the mirror and you say it. You use the mother's name and you use her child's name. You may not adjust this part in any way.
I will show you: If it were my mother you would say, "(Mrs. Smith), I have terrible, terrible news. (Hayden) died today." You say it out loud until you can say it clearly and loudly. How loudly? Loudly enough. If it takes you fewer than five tries you are rushing it and you will not do it right. You take your time.
After the bathroom you do nothing before you go to her. You don't make a phone call, you do not talk to the medical student, you do not put in an order. You never make her wait. She is his mother.
When you get inside the room you will know who the mother is. Yes, I'm very sure. Shake her hand and tell her who you are. If there is time you shake everyone's hand. Yes, you will know if there is time. You never stand. If there are no seats left, the couches have arms on them.
You will have to make a decision about whether you will ask what she already knows. If you were the one to call her and tell her that her son had been shot then you have already done part of it, but you have not done it yet. You are about to do it now. You never make her wait. She is his mother. Now you explode the world. Yes, you have to. You say something like: "Mrs. (Smith). I have terrible, terrible news. (Hayden) died today."
Then you wait.
You will not stand up. You may leave yourself in the heaviness of your breath or the racing of your pulse or the sight of your shoelaces on your shoe, but you will not stand up. You are here for her. She is his mother.
If the mother has another son with her and he has punched the wall or broken the chair, do not be worried. The one that punched the wall or broke the chair will be better than the one who looks down and refuses to cry. The one who punched the wall or broke the chair will be much easier than the sister who looks up and closes her eyes as they fill.
Security is already outside the room and when they hear the first loud noise they will know to come in. No, you will not have to tell them. They know about the family room in the emergency department in North Philadelphia. It is all right. They will be kind. If the chair cannot be sat in again that is all right. We have money for new chairs every summer. If he does not break your chair you stay in your chair. If he does you find a new place to sit. You are here for the mother and you have more to do.
If she asks you, you will tell her what you know. You do not lie. But do not say he was murdered or he was killed. Yes, I know that he was, but that is not what you say. You say that he died; that is the part that you saw and that you know. When she asks you if he felt any pain, you must be very careful. If he did not, assure her quickly. If he did, you do not lie. But his pain is over now. Do not ever say he was lucky that he did not feel pain. He was not lucky. She is not lucky. Don't make that face. The depth of the stupidity of the things you will say sometimes is unimaginable.
Before you leave you break her heart one more time. "No, I'm sorry, but you cannot see him. There are strict rules when a person dies this way and the police have to take him first. We cannot let you in. I'm so sorry." You do not ever say "the body." It is not a body. It is her son. You want to tell her you will give her time and come back in case she has questions. More questions, or questions for the first time. If she has no questions you do not give her the answers to the questions she has not asked.
When you leave the room, do not yell at the medical student who has a question. When you get home, do not yell at your husband. If he left his socks on the floor again today, it is all right.
My comments about this:
First of all, like I said, nobody ever came to me and told me you were dead.
I find it interesting that this article is all about telling the mother.
The part about someone hitting the wall or a chair being better off than the person not crying makes me worry because I feel I am the person not crying. I thought I was doing okay, but maybe I'm not. Love you boy!
Philadelphia-First you get your coat. I don't care if you don't remember where you left it, you find it. If there was a lot of blood you ask someone to go quickly to the basement to get you a new set of scrubs. You put on your coat and you go into the bathroom. You look in the mirror and you say it. You use the mother's name and you use her child's name. You may not adjust this part in any way.
I will show you: If it were my mother you would say, "(Mrs. Smith), I have terrible, terrible news. (Hayden) died today." You say it out loud until you can say it clearly and loudly. How loudly? Loudly enough. If it takes you fewer than five tries you are rushing it and you will not do it right. You take your time.
After the bathroom you do nothing before you go to her. You don't make a phone call, you do not talk to the medical student, you do not put in an order. You never make her wait. She is his mother.
When you get inside the room you will know who the mother is. Yes, I'm very sure. Shake her hand and tell her who you are. If there is time you shake everyone's hand. Yes, you will know if there is time. You never stand. If there are no seats left, the couches have arms on them.
You will have to make a decision about whether you will ask what she already knows. If you were the one to call her and tell her that her son had been shot then you have already done part of it, but you have not done it yet. You are about to do it now. You never make her wait. She is his mother. Now you explode the world. Yes, you have to. You say something like: "Mrs. (Smith). I have terrible, terrible news. (Hayden) died today."
Then you wait.
You will not stand up. You may leave yourself in the heaviness of your breath or the racing of your pulse or the sight of your shoelaces on your shoe, but you will not stand up. You are here for her. She is his mother.
If the mother has another son with her and he has punched the wall or broken the chair, do not be worried. The one that punched the wall or broke the chair will be better than the one who looks down and refuses to cry. The one who punched the wall or broke the chair will be much easier than the sister who looks up and closes her eyes as they fill.
Security is already outside the room and when they hear the first loud noise they will know to come in. No, you will not have to tell them. They know about the family room in the emergency department in North Philadelphia. It is all right. They will be kind. If the chair cannot be sat in again that is all right. We have money for new chairs every summer. If he does not break your chair you stay in your chair. If he does you find a new place to sit. You are here for the mother and you have more to do.
If she asks you, you will tell her what you know. You do not lie. But do not say he was murdered or he was killed. Yes, I know that he was, but that is not what you say. You say that he died; that is the part that you saw and that you know. When she asks you if he felt any pain, you must be very careful. If he did not, assure her quickly. If he did, you do not lie. But his pain is over now. Do not ever say he was lucky that he did not feel pain. He was not lucky. She is not lucky. Don't make that face. The depth of the stupidity of the things you will say sometimes is unimaginable.
Before you leave you break her heart one more time. "No, I'm sorry, but you cannot see him. There are strict rules when a person dies this way and the police have to take him first. We cannot let you in. I'm so sorry." You do not ever say "the body." It is not a body. It is her son. You want to tell her you will give her time and come back in case she has questions. More questions, or questions for the first time. If she has no questions you do not give her the answers to the questions she has not asked.
When you leave the room, do not yell at the medical student who has a question. When you get home, do not yell at your husband. If he left his socks on the floor again today, it is all right.
My comments about this:
First of all, like I said, nobody ever came to me and told me you were dead.
I find it interesting that this article is all about telling the mother.
The part about someone hitting the wall or a chair being better off than the person not crying makes me worry because I feel I am the person not crying. I thought I was doing okay, but maybe I'm not. Love you boy!
Times Three
On Friday at work, September 2, 2016, these three things happened at the same time:
-I looked out the window and a kid had a Saline Water Polo shirt with #16 on the back and HaydenStrongForever (I didn't recognize the kid)
-The song "Paradise" came on Pandora
-A slip of paper slipped out of my purse that had the following written on it: Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out.
LOVE YOU BOY!
-I looked out the window and a kid had a Saline Water Polo shirt with #16 on the back and HaydenStrongForever (I didn't recognize the kid)
-The song "Paradise" came on Pandora
-A slip of paper slipped out of my purse that had the following written on it: Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out.
LOVE YOU BOY!
We Have A Choice
From #OCA today:
We have a choice to let the heat of the fire burn us down and become ash or to intertwine ourselves in the energy that blazes the fire and rise with it. -Paula Stephens
We have a choice to let the heat of the fire burn us down and become ash or to intertwine ourselves in the energy that blazes the fire and rise with it. -Paula Stephens
Time line correction correction
In previous posts, I first thought the time with the Bush family at the lake was the Saturday before your accident and then corrected myself, thinking it was Summerfest and the Mudhens game for you and Hope. I was right before-the lake was the 15th and Summerfest was the 8th. I just want to keep track of this for some reason. Love you!
Friday, September 2, 2016
Why I Do It
This was on Facebook today and explains why I can't keep quiet when something Dad does bugs me:
If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.
(I posted this because since Dad and I have been getting along better, I have been "shushed" when something bothers me for the purpose of not starting an argument. I am still going to say something when something bothers me. I have been doing that for 21 years and I am not going to stop now. The reasons why I need to say something are still there.) Love you boy!
If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.
(I posted this because since Dad and I have been getting along better, I have been "shushed" when something bothers me for the purpose of not starting an argument. I am still going to say something when something bothers me. I have been doing that for 21 years and I am not going to stop now. The reasons why I need to say something are still there.) Love you boy!
Death Divides
This is from the nightly devotional book I read called, "Healing After Loss," by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I have recorded extra special passages from it before, so here is another one. They are all really good but some really stand out. They start out with a quote, then the message, then a final little thought:
"If death, my friend and me divide,
thou dost not, Lord, my sorrow chide,
or frown my tears to see;
restrained from passionate excess,
thou bidst me mourn in calm distress
for them that rest in thee. -Charles Wesley
Sometimes we have the mistaken notion that people of faith do not grieve. Confident that the essence of their loved one has survived and that they will know each other again, they move calmly through this temporary separation without tears or turmoil.
Not so. Let us not add to our already burdened hearts any further burden of guilt that we so easily "give way" to our grief. Wouldn't we miss our loved one if he or she moved halfway around the world? The imponderable mysteries of death are far more impenetrable than having a loved one move to a foreign land!
Fortunate are those whose faith remains strong in the face of loss. They are also fortunate if they can mourn freely and without recrimination from themselves or others. To be human is to feel the pain of loss. To be healed of that pain is wonderful, but there are no shortcuts. There is only the way through.
I will deal with my pain; we know each other well.
"If death, my friend and me divide,
thou dost not, Lord, my sorrow chide,
or frown my tears to see;
restrained from passionate excess,
thou bidst me mourn in calm distress
for them that rest in thee. -Charles Wesley
Sometimes we have the mistaken notion that people of faith do not grieve. Confident that the essence of their loved one has survived and that they will know each other again, they move calmly through this temporary separation without tears or turmoil.
Not so. Let us not add to our already burdened hearts any further burden of guilt that we so easily "give way" to our grief. Wouldn't we miss our loved one if he or she moved halfway around the world? The imponderable mysteries of death are far more impenetrable than having a loved one move to a foreign land!
Fortunate are those whose faith remains strong in the face of loss. They are also fortunate if they can mourn freely and without recrimination from themselves or others. To be human is to feel the pain of loss. To be healed of that pain is wonderful, but there are no shortcuts. There is only the way through.
I will deal with my pain; we know each other well.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
A Part of Me
From #OCA today by Lexi Behrndt, the lady who started the project:
You are a part of me, a part that will never leave. My memory could never erase you, nor the pain of your absence nor the joy of your existence. You are within me, carried within my heart, the undercurrent of my thoughts, the inspiration to my days.
You are a part of me, a part that will never leave. My memory could never erase you, nor the pain of your absence nor the joy of your existence. You are within me, carried within my heart, the undercurrent of my thoughts, the inspiration to my days.
Fall Apart
From #OCA today:
To come alive, you must truly, deeply, completely, fall apart. -Ginny Limer
To come alive, you must truly, deeply, completely, fall apart. -Ginny Limer
Always Will
From #OCA today:
I still grieve him and expect that I always will. But I no longer want to lie down and die. I now find strength in that grief. It's a necessary reminder of the fight I have within and that walking by faith is the only way to find my way through this life; to find happiness through the pain. -Valery Rule
I still grieve him and expect that I always will. But I no longer want to lie down and die. I now find strength in that grief. It's a necessary reminder of the fight I have within and that walking by faith is the only way to find my way through this life; to find happiness through the pain. -Valery Rule
Every Day
From #OCA today:
Every day we have to choose simple things like getting out of bed when all we feel like doing is crying. We have to choose to stay connected with people, to smile and laugh despite our broken hearts, to share the grief that we could easily give into and drown under. -Janelle Hey
Every day we have to choose simple things like getting out of bed when all we feel like doing is crying. We have to choose to stay connected with people, to smile and laugh despite our broken hearts, to share the grief that we could easily give into and drown under. -Janelle Hey
What the world needs
From #OCA today:
Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -Howard Thurman
Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -Howard Thurman
What Faith Is
I have seen this a few times but don't think I ever recorded it:
Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out.
(I have begun to realize this recently, but this is a nice way to put it). Love you boy!
Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out.
(I have begun to realize this recently, but this is a nice way to put it). Love you boy!
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