Senior pictures

I can honestly say that the day we got your senior pictures taken was one of the sweetest days of my life (and I don't mean sweet as cool, but sweet as the true meaning of sweet). I took the day off of work and the morning was a little more stressful than I would have liked because I didn't leave enough time before the appointment to iron all of your clothes, so I was speed-ironing. We had such a pile of clothes for you to wear. We had your suit, varsity jacket, khakis, the blue V-neck, that gray and blue button-down shirt, khaki shorts, pink shorts, white t-shirt with the blue bandana design on the sleeves and the pocket and the blue-checked shirt.
  I don't remember what time the appointment was, but I think it was early in the day, maybe before lunch. When we got there, we talked to Mark Bak, who is super-nice, and got a look at all of his cool backgrounds, props, etc. We started with your yearbook photo and went from there. Next I think was the graffiti wall (where you wrote your name on the wall next to Ethan's name) and then the blue backdrop with the button-down shirt. After that was the varsity jacket shots which were cool with you spinning the ball on your finger.
   For the outdoor shots, I don't remember if we went into his office to talk about it, but we decided on the barn behind his studio just for something different than the typical Mill Pond park shots. You were so agreeable on everything-you really didn't mind how it went. That is the part I remember most-even with choosing the poses, etc. you really didn't care and went with whatever I wanted, not because you were mad and just giving in-because you really were fine with whatever.
   At the end, we went outside and tried the idea that Uncle Dave suggested of you standing with a water polo ball as water was being thrown on you. I think the assistant to Mark was his son and he had the bucket of water and was trying to throw it on you as you were standing there as if you were defiant to the water. The shot didn't work out as planned but it sure was cool trying it.
   This experience came to mind because yesterday Dad and Grandma Elsie stopped by Bak Photography so Dad could show Grandma where to come to order another 5 x 7 that she wanted of you (even though when I placed the original order she said she didn't care what poses she got, so she got the same two that I ordered for Grandma Joonie). Mark took them for a little tour of the studio and showed them the graffiti wall where you wrote your name, etc. When Grandma asked to order a picture, he wouldn't let her pay for it. He did the same thing when Aunt Becky wanted a 5 x 7 of you as well. Dad then ordered some 4 x 6 's of a few shots of you. I was a little annoyed by this, because I didn't want anyone taking advantage of Mark's generosity (he already printed a TON of wallet sizes of you in various poses of you for your funeral at no charge) and I was annoyed that Dad had yet another day off from work to tool around and do "Hayden stuff".
   Although it is not a contest, I then realized how happy I was to be there with you at the actual time of the pictures instead of after the fact yesterday. Even though we couldn't afford all of the pictures we wanted at the time and had to pick and choose and order it in "stages", I definitely got the better end of that deal going through that with you when we you were here instead of after you were gone. Thank you for that day, my dear sweet son!

Up movie quote

This quote stood out to me when they had the Top of the Track movie and showed "Up" (Side note: The group "Strive" from the high school wanted to have a fundraiser for the Hayden M. Smith Memorial Scholarship Fund and asked us to choose one of the movies off of your top 50 list of movies. There were very few PG options, so we chose "Up"-still a great choice though.They set up the local inflatable movie screen at the HS Auxiliary Field and charged $5 admission and sold concessions.) I have seen the movie before but I had never noticed how much it focused on the death of a loved one when Carl lost his wife Ellie. They had a long happy life together but he was still having a hard time with it.
   To make a long story short, the quote I am referring to is this one that Ellie wrote in her adventure book after Carl noticed (by accident) that after the stuff that she had in it from when she was a kid, she added all of the pictures of her and Carl's life together and added at the end: "Thanks for the adventure - Now go have a new one! Love, Ellie." Originally I was thinking that this was like you telling me this, but I just realized today that I could be telling this to you too. (Or us/we as it applies).

P.S. I had a thought later that maybe we could include this on your headstone-that would be extra cool if it was in the same writing that Ellie wrote it in the movie (this is mostly a note to remind myself of this idea).

Hayden Dream

A few weeks after the accident, Hayden visited me in a dream. I was walking up the basement stairs with tears in my eyes, looking down and headed for the side door. (Side note: my bedroom is in the basement and the stairs lead right up to the side door).  I knew Hayden was coming, but I knew he was only going to be coming for a short time, like just for a visit. That was a weird feeling because that has never been the case where he was just visiting since he always lived at home. He came in the door and I just held him from the side, I could feel his trim torso in my arms. He had his arms around me and we just held each other. Then he kissed away my tears.

P.S. I was inspired to record this after reading a post on Facebook about a man who lost his wife and two children in a flood in Texas and then they came to him in a dream. I wish I would have written the date down of the dream but I did not.

P.S. For the other posts, I have written them as if I was writing to Hayden, but for this one I didn't. The reason why is because I don't have to tell him about the dream because he was there.

Death Is Nothing At All-Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It's the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.

Take Heart!

This is to all the moms out there who feel like they always "missed out" on things because they were "stuck" taking care of their children:

This is to the mom who came to many an evening church service, ended up staying in the nursery with only her own children because no other children there, and leaving without anyone even knowing she was there.

This is for the mom who missed her new pastor's ordination service because she knew everyone else in the nursery wanted to go down and see the service and she was worried her child wouldn't be taken care of well by a new volunteer in the nursery who didn't want to be there in the first place.

This is for the mom who went to a morning meeting at someone's house when a missionary was in town and ended up in a bedroom with their own child watching a video because there was no child care set up.

This is for the mom who went to a young married gathering with pretty much the only child at the time and ended up following him around the whole time because he was only one-year-old and she didn't want him to hurt himself or hurt anything in their home.

This is for the mom who stayed home alone with her child from morning til night at a remote farmhouse, barely making ends meet, because she thought it was important to be a stay-at-home mom.

This is for the mom who pumped her breast milk in the bathroom at Art Van to keep her milk up on the long Saturdays when she was away from her son when she was trying to work part-time for her fifth year to be able to get her profit-sharing which helped her family with the down payment on their first home.

This is for the mom who was really bad at directions and drove her son and two other kids in tow to almost every travel baseball game all over the county and beyond before GPS was readily available in a car that she never was quite sure if it would stall out at any given moment (it never did, by the way).

This is for the mom who, when she didn't have her child brush his teeth before he went to bed wouldn't brush hers either so it was "even".

This is for the mom who was looking around at the line of people at her 17-year-old son's visitation and realizing how few of those people she knew because she had spent so much of her time with him and his sister and brother.

This is for the mom who never had her own "life," barely went out with friends, never had time to start a conversation with ladies at church because she was consumed with her child, never forged friendships at social gatherings or family gatherings because she was too "busy" with her child.

You did not "miss" anything! Your time was an investment in your child that pays dividends now! Not only did your time with them benefit them in the shaping of their character and personality, you were spending time with them which is the best investment you can make as a mom in the lives of your children! That is exactly where God intends for mothers to be-with their children as much as possible! Looking back now, I don't regret any of that time! I was thankful I was able to be there for them and for every moment I spent with them and get to spend with them.

Take heart, moms, because guess what-it's worth it!

Hope's poem

A Blur in Time
by Hope Smith

Waking up to tragedy
Made everything feel like a dream,
A blur in time,
An unthinkable thing,
Praying for you
While memories of you came flooding through.

We were there for you,
A strong family that always stuck together
Waiting for news that never seemed better
You fought long and hard,
While strengthening us with your loving heart.

Hayden,
You're the best man I ever knew,
With you, I could never be blue
Days can be hard,
Days can be good,
But you're always in our hearts
You'll live in us through and through

Last text

Last text to Hayden on 8/19/2015 at 3:43 pm
Me:  "Did the rain ruin your plan to mow?
Hayden:  "Yup" and then you added "For now at least"

DJ

Last Thursday night we had dinner with DJ, your favorite translator from your Haiti trip. He had been in the States since the 4th of July so he came to your funeral. (In the guest book, he wrote his name out which is Joseph Didier and then he wrote DJ in parantheses). He was leaving the next day, so we caught him right before he left town.
   He was staying with a young married couple in Monroe, or actually LaSalle. I was excited because it was near Monroe where we went to Sonic the night before your accident. Anyway, we drove and drove because they lived way out in the sticks. When we finally found their house, on a long stretch of road across from a cornfield, Dad knocked on the door and waited a while. We were a few minutes early and then DJ said from an open window that he would be right out. Dad thought we woke him up or something, so we waited for him. He took a while and came out and let the dogs out, etc. He was in no hurry at all even though we had been waiting for about 10 minutes. This reminded me of "Haiti time"** which you told us about and we asked him about that later.
    He got in the car and said we could either go to Monroe Grill or Ruby Tuesday. We ended up going to Ruby Tuesday. He was about Carter's size, small but muscular. We had plenty to talk about-it wasn't awkward at all. We learned that he grew up an orphanage since he was 2. He said he lived with his mom, dad and brother before the orphanage but some doctor/missionaries to Haiti noticed that he was being hurt by his brother and that his dad was abusive as well. One day when his mom was at work, they took him to live with him. Soon, though all Americans had to leave Haiti for some reason (he's 25, so we will have to check what was going on in the country at that time). Anyway, the missionaries felt that he was safer at the orphanage than back at his own home, that's how he ended up there. He said because he was in the orphanage that he attended school and had one meal a day, which was better than what he would have had at home. There was a 38-year-old lady there from America who ran the orphanage (he called her "Mommy") and she spoke English, that is how he learned English.
   She died about a year ago, which really broke him up. He stopped going to church and started to drink, which chased away all of his friends. He even tried to take his own life by drinking a cup of Clorox but, by God's grace, someone was there and had him drink some milk so he could throw up the Clorox. (He referred a lot to God in a lot of what he said, by the way). After this story or maybe before, I asked him if he had any advice about how to deal with grief. He told us that the loved one we lost wouldn't want us to ruin our own lives and that they would want us to go on and do good things. He also told us that he found his real mom soon after "Mommy" died so he lost one mom and got another.
  His relationship with his real mom is ok and he is working with her to decide if he should come back to the States and go to school. (That's why he was up here this summer to check in on classes, etc. but his Visa wouldn't allow it). If he did that though, he said he would miss working with all of the non-profits he works with because he loves to meet people. We asked about his dad and he said he was a very bad man and died by being burned alive.
   We asked if he had any stories to share about you and your time there. He said one thing that stood out is that you never complained-not even once. That says a lot about you considering there were probably a lot of things to complain about, like long truck rides, the heat, carrying the heavy equipment, climbing the mountain, etc. He also said that if there was a choice to do an installation inside a home or outside, you chose the outside one because children would gather when the installation team was outside.
   DJ said that everyone would have time to talk in the evenings and one night he asked the group, and he asked everyone to be honest, if any of them would ever want to come back to Haiti. He said that your hand was the first one up. God bless your sweet heart, Hayden!

**Haiti time: DJ explained that if someone said that they were going to meet you at a certain time, that it meant at least a half an hour past that time or even up to an hour or an hour and a half

   

Susie Fay

Facebook comment on Bill's page day of accident from Susie Fay: "I was one of the cars behind your son, I saw the accident but not what happened. I called 911. I stayed with him until the police and firemen arrived. I am a nurse, I could only feel a light pulse, then he gaged (gagged) and started to breathe. I put paper towels to his head to stop the bleeding, I prayed for your son. I kept telling him help was coming and to hold on. The car behind me was a chaplain, he stayed and I think I saw him pray. The police arrived and knew instantly what to do. God was at that accident site and I think your son will be a miracle! My name is Susan"

Response to comment from Ginny Miller: "Thank you and keep praying"

Response to my comment: "I saw his gym bag next to him and all the balls in the back seat and I know he was a fighter! God can indeed bring good out of bad. He can redeem tragedy with new life. God is still God, hold onto him. I will continue to pray for your son and your family"

From Susie Fay when she heard Hayden died: "Bill I am truly sorry! I felt so much standing next to your son in that car, I can't explain it but I felt love surrounding us. I felt like we were surrounded by angels that's why I'm shocked. I just don't know why but I will trust, because I know God. I will come meet you soon and I will hug you and your family."

Eulogy Letter

Dear Hayden,
It's hard to believe you are actually gone. You were so full of light and life. You packed so much into your day-from water polo to lawn mowing to getting through a TV series on Netflix in record time to working out every day. You had an amazing summer and were able to spend time with so many of your friends. It was hard to keep track of where you were at and who you were with sometimes.
   No matter what kind of mood I was in you could always make me laugh. Always-even when I was determined to stay in a bad mood. I would try not to look at you but it didn't matter-you would get right in my face and not let me past you until I cheered up. Thank you for that.
   Thank you for being a wonderful son. The last time I saw you was when you got home Wednesday night and came into our room to say goodnight, which you didn't always do. I saw the shadow of you in our doorway. I'm sure we said I love you because we always did. I don't know what I would have done differently if I knew that was our last interaction on earth.
   Praise God that you accepted the Lord Jesus as your Savior at a young age. You are with Him now and that's the best place I could ever wish for you to be even though I miss you terribly. Thank you for sharing all of your gifts with the world. Thank you for being a great big brother to Hope and Carter. I will miss you every day of my life but know I will see you again someday. I feel like the luckiest person in this room because I had nine more months with you all to myself. I love you Hayden Milton Smith!

Love,
Mom