Too many to not notice

When I got in the car last night after dinner with Gretchen, the song, We Are Young by Fun was on the radio. Fun songs always remind me of you. This morning after I dropped Carter off at school, Some Nights came on and Some Nights came on again when I left the office to go home for lunch. Thank you!

Interwoven

This is a post from Lexi Behrndt. She created Scribbles & Crumbs and the On Coming Alive project. It's the two-year mark for her for when she lost her infant son.


Time has changed us, as it always will. The sting is gone, the wounds are healing, my heart has settled. But every piece of me is interwoven with the colors of you. Your memory is buried beneath layers of time and change, but all I have to do is close my eyes to recall the curve of your smile, the dimples of your cheeks, the way your eyes met mine. All I have to do is think of you for my heart to be overcome with pride that I am yours, no matter the passage of time.

I don't have to say your name everyday (but most days I do), I don't have to mourn that you are no longer close enough to touch (though sometimes I always will), I don't have to stay in the darkness to be near to you (you're in the light, you always have been). The colors of you--the empathy within me, the gentle nudge to love more fiercely, to live more freely, the peace in the chaos, the profound hope and assurance that there is so much more--time can never take away. Every piece of me runs with the colors of you.

Ruling things out

There was an article in the paper about someone driving the wrong way on a highway. It was in the early morning (like 3:00 am) and she hit somebody head-on, killing them both. There were comments underneath the article if she might have been suicidal. Here is one of the responses:

@therealist:
The vast number of suicides are done by a person when they are alone. They wish no harm on anybody else. Something was terribly wrong in their life or multiple issues and figured the only way out of the problems was death. Not that many take their own lives by crashing into another, there is the element of risk they may survive. Many that commit suicide are good people, they just never got the proper help before deciding to end their life.

Cell memory

I read about this in a post and of course I can't find it anywhere now. It's a theory where organ recipients take on some of the characteristics of their donor. I think that idea is amazing. Some information I have looked up on it say it's false, but it's a lovely idea. I will keep you posted.

Found it. It wasn't through Gift of Life or anything but just something that was posted on Lydia Kimball's page.


There are over 70 documented cases of transplant patients experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as their organ donors did in life. People report everything from craving their donors' favorite foods, to inheriting their talents. It's posed a theory that the cells in our body can store memories.

Dear World

This was on the Facebook page for Luminous Light Studio. It was written by Harold Kushner, who wrote the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

 

A Love Letter to a World That May or May Not Deserve It

by Harold Kushner

 

 

Dear World,

We've been through a lot together over the past eight decades, you and I-marriages, births, deaths, fulfillment and disappointment, war and peace, good times and hard times. There were days you were more generous than I could possibly have deserved. And there were days you cheated me out of things I felt I was entitled to. There were days when you looked so admiringly beautiful that I could hardly believe you were mine, and days when you broke my heart and reduced me to tears.

   But with it all I choose to love you. I love you, whether you deserve it or not (and how does one measure that?) I love you in part because you are the only world I have. I love you because I like who I am better when I do. But mostly I love you because loving you makes it easier for me to be grateful for today and hopeful for tomorrow. Love does that.

 

Faithfully yours,

 

Harold Kushner





The Empty Chair

This song was sung by Sting last night on the Oscars. The lyrics make it seem like someone is in jail, but he sang it last night like it was about someone who died.

The Empty Chair

by Sting

 

If I should close my eyes, that my soul can see,

And there's a place at the table that you saved for me.

So many thousand miles over land and sea,

I hope to dare, that you hear my prayer,

And somehow I'll be there.

 

It's but a concrete floor where my head will lay,

And though the walls of this prison are as cold as clay.

But there's a shaft of light where I count my days,

So don't despair of the empty chair,

And somehow I'll be there.

 

Some days are strong, some days are weak,

And days I'm so broken I can barely speak,

There's a place in my head where my thoughts still roam,

Where somehow I've come home.

 

And when the Winter comes and the trees lie bare,

And you just stare out the window in the darkness there.

Well I was always late for every meal you'll swear,

But keep my place and the empty chair,

And somehow I'll be there,

And somehow I'll be there.



Welcome Home

We went to Pastor Saxe's memorial service on Saturday. All of his sons spoke. His son, David, quoted some of the words of this song.

Welcome Home

by Michael W. Smith

 

 

I can't believe that we're having to say goodbye

And I can barely see you through these tears I cry

I close my eyes

 

I can hear the sound

As angels gather 'round

Saying this is where you belong

Welcome home

 

Theses are the days that my heart aches wishing you were here

But I know where you are the hurt and the pain disappear

 

There's no more tears

 

What a lovely sound

Angels all around

Saying this is where you belong

Welcome home

Welcome home

Welcome home

Pure gold

This was a story from Gift of Life I think.

The boy who received my son's heart died Tuesday, although he wasn't really a boy any longer. He was 37 years old. But when my 7-year-old son, Nicholas, was shot in an attempted carjacking on a family vacation in Italy, Andrea Mongiardo was just 15. When the Italian media first asked (my wife) Maggie how she felt about our son's heart being transplanted into another boy's chest, she said, "I always hoped Nicholas would have a long life. Now I hope his heart has a long life." Sadly, Nicholas' heart didn't reach old age. It did, however, perform nobly for decades. I'm not surprised. I always knew it was pure gold.

Another "A Letter From Heaven"

You know what "another" means-there is an original one somewhere. I will track it down. This is from the Facebook page, Godly Woman Daily.

 

A Letter From Heaven

 

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say,

But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above,

Where there are no tears or sadness, there is just eternal Love.

 

Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight,

Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon, and night.

That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me, and said, "I welcome you."

 

"It's good to have you back again.

You were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.

I need you here so badly as part of my big plan.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

 

Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do.

And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you.

I will be beside you, every day of the week and year,

And when you're sad I'm standing there, to wipe away the tear.

 

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,

God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on Earth, and all those loving years,

Because you're only human, there's bound to be some tears.

 

One thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over,

I am closer to you now than I ever was before.

And to my many friends, trust God knows what's best.

I am not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest.

 

There are rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb,

Together we can do it, taking one day at a time.

It was my philosophy and please I'd like for you,

To give unto the world, so the world will give to you.

 

If you can help someone who's in sorrow or in pain,

Then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.

And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,

Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

 

When you're walking down the street and I am on your mind,

I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.

And when you feel a gentle breeze of wind upon your face,

That's me giving you a great big hug, or just a soft embrace.

 

When it's time for you to go from that body to be free,

Remember you are not going, you are coming home to me.

I will always love you, from that place way up above,

I will be in touch again soon.

P.S. God sends His love

 



Don't Dream It's Over

This song has had special meaning to me for a long time-ever since I was about your age/freshman year in college. Since you died, it has come to mean more to me, especially for the times it comes on the radio. The first time I associated it with you was on our way home from picking up things from the funeral home (which was awful) and just how sad I was about having to do that for my 17-year-old sweet boy-it was so wrong.

Anyway, this song came on the radio on the way home, and I felt like it was speaking to me regarding our situation. It came on my Pandora station for the first time today-here are the lyrics.

Don't Dream It's Over

by Crowded House

 

 

There is freedom within

there is freedom without

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

There's a battle ahead

Many battles are lost

But you'll never see the end of the road

While you're traveling with me

 

 

(Chorus)

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

 

 

Now I'm towing my car

There's a hole in the roof

my possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof

in the paper today

tales of war and of waste

but you turn right over to the tv page

 

(Chorus)

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

We know they won't win

 

Now I'm walking again

to the beat of a drum

And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

Only shadows ahead

barely clearing the roof

Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

 

(Chorus)

Hey now, Hey now

Don't dream it's over

Hey now, Hey now

When the world comes in

They come, they come

To build a wall between us

You know they won't win

 

Don't let them win

Hey now, Hey now

 

Hey now, Hey now

 

Hey now, Hey now

Don't let them win

 

They come, they come

Don't let them win

 

Hey now, Hey now (yeah)

 

Hey now, Hey now

Who God chooses

This was part of a Daily Bible Verse commentary I get on Facebook. The commentary is by Dave Whitehead, senior pastor at GraceNYC.org:

God chooses those who know they need His help over those who think they can do it themselves.

The God you know

This was on the Facebook page today for Casting Crowns. DJ from Haiti shared it.

 

 

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

The thoughts that I think toward you

This was today's Verse of the Day from Bible Gateway:

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for me with all your heart.

To Say Goodbye

This was on someone's Facebook page today:

 

 

I Never Got to Say Goodbye

 

Wish I could go back to the day

When angels came and took you away

I wanted to hold your hand so tight

Kiss you gently and say goodnight

And then just before you had to go

I would tell you how much I love you so

I don't know how I don't know why

I never got the chance to say goodbye.

 

-John F. Connor

Wagner Rd.

I decided to look up pictures of your accident again because I saw a horrific accident on annarbor.com and I wanted to compare how mangled your car was in the front to the one in the story I saw. The other one was much worse because the car went the wrong way at full speed on a highway at 4 am and hit a semi-truck head on. The damage to the semi-truck was horrible too-I never saw that much damage to a truck. Needless to say, the two people in the car going the wrong way were killed. You couldn't even tell what was what on the car.

Anyway, when I was looking at pictures of your accident, I tried to zoom in on it as usual to try to see stuff, and whenever I do that, it's very frustrating because it jumps around and it's hard to focus on anything. When I was doing this, the screen ended up on some of the comments that I never read underneath the story. Here is some information that supports my concern about the "shift" in the road that occurs in the other lane in that spot on the road/hill and what others said about it: (Note: Bob London mentioned this as well here and there)

arthguinness:  That's not very far from where that mother of 5(?) kids tragically crashed a few years back. The road is fairly straight, but there's the slightest kink, maybe 1 or 2 degrees somewhere around the hill there, and it's not difficult to drift towards the center line.

(Comment from reporter that the lady in that crash was texting and driving)

8FlyingMonkees:  That'll do it. More accidents happen that way. From the picture it looks like the two (I added emphasis) got too near to the middle. Can't wait to read the MSP account.

Oldtimer67:  Slight kink on Wagner? I think you are mistaken, there is one on Liberty.

arthguinness: Drive it or look at a map. There's a very slight kink. As I said, only 1 or 2 degrees.

(Other back and forth about it)
It's actually two slight kinks that counteract with each other.

Just drove it yesterday. Right as you crest the hill, you better not be driving straight, because you will go directly into the other lane.

My comments here: This "kink" is in the other lane. This would make more sense of it being your fault if the kink was on your side, but it's not. It's on his side.

Hope thinks there's something to this too. Actually, she thinks that it wasn't your fault at all. Whenever we bring this up to Dad when we are driving that way on Wagner, he always reiterates that the police and the attorney said that the accident happened in the truck driver's lane so that means it was your fault. How do they know that? The cars bounced off each other. It wasn't a head-on crash, it was an off-set crash. It's different and actually deadlier because there is nothing to protect the driver from the impact, like the front and hood of the car.

I made a little diagram and things still don't add up to me. Sure, maybe you were close to the line and the truck was too, and that's all it took for the collision to occur. Things just don't make sense from the police report either-like the guy from Tippins' who said he had to move over because you were in his lane. You couldn't have been that far over to hit the truck the way you did. I still can't believe that Tippins' guy left the scene after he saw the collision in his rear view mirror. Why would anyone lie or make up a story? Who are they trying to protect? Is it easier to blame you because you died anyway? Even so, that has to mean something. Somebody knows more and it's not important I guess because nobody seems to care.

I just want to know what happened and clear your name. I know people think that you were on your phone, etc. You were a good driver and you traveled that road so many times. This part of it really bothers me.

I'll Be Missing You

This is a song by Puff Daddy and the tune and the idea of it is good, but some of the words are inappropriate. Here are some lines from it though.

On that morning

When this life is over

I know

I'll see your face

 

Every day that passes

Every move I make, every single day

Is a day that I get closer

To seeing you again

Hope does not disappoint

This was the Daily Bible Verse today and it was appropriate because I've been reading a book that my counselor recommended called, Adult Children of Alcoholics. It explains a lot about the way I am and I've been feeling bad because I feel like I'm so dysfunctional. This verse and commentary addressed that head on today.

Romans 5:5:  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Commentary:
As we go along in life, we find that hope may be the most important trait that we can cultivate, for hope is an expectation of the future that determines how we live today. The mistakes that we have made can make it easy to lose hope, but God brings to us good news: we are more dysfunctional than we want to admit, but we are more loved than we could ever dream. This reality will not disappoint us when we believe the gospel that is offered to us in Jesus Christ.

High Flight

Hope had to read one of the intros before a band piece last night at her Pre-Festival concert. I will probably check her actual notes and record that, but I looked it up online today and here is the story and poem tied to the song.

High Flight

by John Gillespie Magee, Jr.

 

 

A sonnet written by John Gillespie Magee, Jr. an American pilot with the Royal Canadian Air Force in the Second World War. He came to Britain, flew in a Spitfire squadron, and was killed at the age of nineteen on 11 December 1941 during a training flight from the airfield near Scopwick.

 

Portions Of This Lovely Poem Appear On The Headstones Of Many Interred In Arlington National Cemetery, Particularly Aviators and Astronauts

 

High Flight was composed by Pilot Officer John Gillespie Magee, Jr., an American serving with the Royal Canadian Air Force. He was born in Shanghai, China in 1922, the son of missionary parents, Reverend and Mrs. John Gillespie; his father was an American and his mother was originally a British citizen.

 

He came to the U.S. in 1939 and earned a scholarship to Yale, but in September 1940 he enlisted in the RCAF and was graduated as a pilot. He was sent to England for combat duty in July 1941.

 

In August or September 1941, Pilot Officer Magee composed High Flight and sent a copy to his parents. Several months later, on December 11, 1941 his Spitfire collided with another plane over England and Magee, only 19 years of age, crashed to his death. His remains are buried in the churchyard cemetery at Scopwick, Lincolnshire.

 

 

Oh, I have slipped the surely bonds of earth,

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds-

and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of-

wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence.

Hovering there I've chased the shouting wind along

and fleeing my eager craft through footless halls of air.

 

Up, up the long delirious burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,

where never lark, or even eagle, flew;

and, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod

the high untrespassed sanctity of space,

put out my hand and touched the face of God.

 

 



 



The actual 10 quotes

This is a follow-up to a previous post about ten quotes from Beth Moore that I couldn't get to work. I found them all. The article was titled, 10 Inspiring Beth Moore Quotes for Every Christian Woman.

1.  God's dreams are always greater than our own.
    "God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of
    Christ and walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to
    Him and His plan for complete satisfaction."
2.  Sanctified or scarred?
    "Only you can decide how your fires will affect you. Will you be sanctified or scarred?"
3.  If God said it...
     "If God said it, I want to believe it. If God gives it, I want to receive it. If God shows it, I want
     to perceive it. If Satan stole it, I want to retrieve it."
4.  This is faith.
     "Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when
     everything in me trembles and quakes."
5.  This is who God is.
     "God can do what He says He can do precisely because He is who He says He is. His many titles
     describe His ability. As Savior, He saves; as Deliverer, He delivers; as Redeemer, He redeems; as
     Master, He assumes authority; as Bread of Life, He provides; and as Almighty, He exerts divine
     strength."
6.  Where hardship comes from.
     "When you are trying to discern whether God or Satan is the author of a hardship, one of your
     best clues is whether sin is involved. God never entices us to sin, nor does He employ sin or
     perversion as a means of molding us into the image of Christ. Impossible!"
7.  Sift dear one!
     "Beloved, are you being sifted? Has God permitted the enemy to launch a full-scale attack against
     you? He isn't looking the other way, and He's not being mean to you. Maybe this is the one way
     He can get you to attend to the old so He can do something new. Grab onto Him for dear life!
     Give Him the reign to remove anything in you that needs to go. Hasten the end of the process. Sift,
     dear one, sift!"
8.  What we know is more important than how we feel.
     "Satan knows that the nature of humankind is to act out of how we feel rather than what we know.
     One of our most important defenses against satanic influence will be learning how to behave out
     of what we know is truth rather than what we feel."
9.  When we learn most.
      "Sometimes we stand to learn the most about God from the situations we understand the least."
10. God assures our victory!
      "We constantly fight an unseen enemy. God has assured us the victory, but He has told us to
      take an aggressive stand against the evil one, covering ourselves in His armor. We're going to
      win, but victory is going to take blood, sweat, and tears-His blood, our sweat, and tears from us
      both."
    

No comprehending

I got this text from Nance today:

"There is no comprehending a tragedy of this magnitude. There is only grief, and with time, acceptance of God's will. I grieve and pray with you." Wow, those words were just so powerful when I read them and reminded me so much of how I feel about Hayden. I just saw this post on someone's Facebook page from a memorial website for a 22-year-old girl that was killed in a car accident last week. 8 am in the morning, head on crash, she in a car the other person in a Hummer, one of them crossed the line. Person in Hummer had minor injuries, the 22 year old died shortly after being taken to the hospital. It just struck me so strongly and brought back so many emotions. Sorry just had to share those words with you.

Isaiah 43:1-3,7

I saw these verses somewhere, so I decided to look them up:

Isaiah 43:1-3,7

The Redeemer of Israel
But now, says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Sebain your place.

Everyone who is called by My name,
Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him."

When Tragedy Strikes

This article was on Ibelieve.com and it's written by Jessica Galan. It's called 10 Ways to Pray When Tragedy Strikes.

1. Pray for Gradual Healing
    balm of Gilead
2. Pray for Spiritual Revival
    In the midst of personal tragedy, people are actually more receptive and seek the face of
    God when difficulty arrives
3. Pray for Unity
    of believers
4. Pray Against Hardened Hearts Toward God
    Bitterness or anger can snake itself into vulnerable, emotional wounds
5. Pray for Repentance and Reformation
    turn away from wrong, reform hearts, live righteously once again
6. Pray for Comfort and Peace
    Pray for a mighty comfort to fall upon your loved one today
    Psalm 23:4:  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
                          I will fear no evil;
                          For You are with me;
                          Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
7. Pray for an Angelic Miracle
    God has used many an angel to rescue and aid those experiencing sudden trouble or danger
    Psalm 91:11:  For He shall give His angels charge over you,
                           To keep you in all your ways.
8. Pray for God's Perfect Providence
    providence is protective care of God-even tragedy
    God will comfort His people
    What may seem evil or tragic now, may turn into good at a later time
    Romans 8:28:  And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to
                            those who are the called according to His purpose.
9. Pray Against Fear and Trauma
    Isaiah 41:10:  Fear not, for I am with you;
                           Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
                           I will strengthen you,
                           Yes, I will help you,
                           I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
10. Pray for Unrelenting Hope
      The hope we hold onto while overcoming deep pain from the sudden death of a loved one...
      Revelation 21:4:  And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more
                                  death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former
                                  things have passed away.

Nursery board

On Sunday night at church, I was in nursery with Joan Gibson. When I was playing with the Carnes' kids, I noticed on the chalkboard how there were outlines of the kids' names from when you were little. There were letters stuck on the chalkboard at the time to record information, etc. but when the letters were peeled off, you could still read the names. One of them was yours and there was Alexis, Charis, Sarah, etc. It was nice to see that. Love you!

Breathe Me

This is the Sia song that was part of the #WhyYou Matter video

Breathe Me

by Sia

 

 

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

 

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

 

 

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah, I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

 

 

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me



Why You Matter

There's a movement, I guess I will call it, called #WhyYouMatter. I first saw something about it in Chelsea where the high school took pictures of every student and something was written on each picture about why they matter. The pictures were then put all over the school. I think the goal of their program was suicide prevention.

Saline put something together too, but it ended up being a video of five students who were lost recently-you, Ben Hieber, Ryan Estrada, Seena Saubers and Garrick Roemer. I will watch it again and document what words appeared on the screen, but throughout the video, there are pictures of people holding signs with a message. Some say your name on them, some don't, but I know the ones for you for sure by some of the people holding the signs, like water polo players, Hope, Mr. Lampman and Jen Den. I will write those down too. You are so loved!


(Song playing: Breathe Me by Sia)
One loss due to cancer... (showed picture of Ben Hieber)
One loss due to heart failure...(showed picture of Ryan Estrada)
One loss due to a car accident...(showed picture of you)
Two losses to suicide...(showed picture of Seena Saubers and Garrick Roemer)
FIVE TRAGEDIES

Here are the names of people holding signs and what the signs said (pertaining to you)
#WhyYou Matter
Robbi Amori:  You drive me to be the best I can be every day
Spencer Rohloff:  You gave me your number and the drive to do what I believe in
Guessing someone for you:  You had the best sense of humor
Mr. Lampman:  Hayden-your enthusiasm and love for life
Cassie Anderson:  Pushed me to be my best
Teacher:  Ryan, Hayden, Seena & Garrick: I will miss not seeing what you would become as adults
Maddie Luther:  You had the biggest smile
Hope:  You always brighten my day
JenDen:  Your optimism made people believe in a beautiful future
Teacher:  Hayden & Garrick: You were two unique people who had larger than life personalities. I am lucky to have known you, albeit briefly
Katie Wagner:  You showed me how to be myself and be proud of that
Andrew Brown:  You always knew how to lead
Matt Lau:  You always made me smile
Young water polo player:  He got me into a sport I love, Thank you Hayden
Tyler Zmich:  You were the first to say hi to me when we moved here

THEY MATTER

They then showed tweets of "#WhyYou Matter"
Hope:  You made me who I am today

Youth Bereavement:  being deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, especially due to the loved one's death

(Second song playing: You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins)

When the Saints Go Marching In

Today I went to Marilyn Crosbie's funeral. She used to work at the office and has been a close family friend.

She sang in the Gospel choir at St. Paul's and they sang a few songs at her funeral. The last song they sang was called "Gospel Jubilee" and included "This Little Light of Mine", some song about a Gospel train and "When the Saints Go Marching In". When they sang this song, everyone started clapping along in the congregation. It was such a positive way to end the funeral, with the hope of heaven. It was amazing! Love you!

Better Man

This song came on the radio three times on my way to visit your grave at the cemetery. I thought it was worth looking up the lyrics too. I think you were trying to tell me something about Dad. Love you!

 Better Man

by Little Big Town

I know I'm probably better off on my own

Than loving a man who

Didn't know what he had when he had it

And I see the permanent damage you did to me

Never again, I just

Wish I could forget when it was magic

I wish it wasn't 4 AM, standing in the mirror

Saying to myself, you know you had to do it

I know, the bravest thing I ever did was

Run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again

But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand

And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

A better man

I know I'm probably better off alone

Than needing a man who could

Change his mind at any given minute

And it's always on your terms

I'm hanging on every careless word

Hoping it might turn sweet again

Like it was in the beginning

But your jealousy, I can hear it now

You're talking down to me like I'll always be around

You push my love away like it's some kind of loaded gun

Boy, you never thought I'd run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again

But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand

And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

A better man

Better man

I hold onto this pride because these days it's all I have

And I gave you my best and we both know you can't say that

You can't say that

I wish you were a better man

I wonder what we would've become

If you were a better man

We might still be in love

If you were a better man

You would've been the one

If you were a better man

Yeah, yeah

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again

And I just miss you when I just wish you were a better man

And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand

And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man

We might still be in love if you were a better man

Better man

Reassuring

This was on the Facebook page for Getting Your Breath Back. It was very helpful to me today, on the year-and-a-half mark of your accident. I'm debating on whether or not to share it on Facebook. It's pretty deep.

James 4:14: Your life is like a mist. You can see it for a short time, but then it goes away.

In God's plan every life is long enough and every death is timely. And though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better.

And-this is important-though you and I may wish for a longer life for our loved ones, they don't. Ironically, the first to accept God's decision of death is the one who dies.

While we are shaking our heads in disbelief, they are lifting hands in worship. While we are mourning at a grave, they are marveling at heaven. While we are questioning God, they are praising God.

Proverbs 17:9

This was the daily Bible verse from Bible Gateway:

Proverbs 17:9:
He who covers a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates friends.

The first step

This is a quote from Casting Crowns:

The first step out of the boat is a step that few have taken and most only read about.

Stronger

This is a quote from Toby Mac:

 

You will make it through this and you will be stronger from it.

The deepest need

"To love Christ is the deepest need, the constant cry of my soul...out in the woods and on my bed, and out driving, when I am happy and busy, and when I am sad and idle, the whisper keeps going up for more love, more love, more love!   -Elizabeth Prentiss (1818-1878)

This accompanied the quote from before about what God didn't promise. It's from a Facebook page called Godly Woman Daily.

What God didn't promise

This idea kind of goes along with what I was writing about yesterday:

 

God didn't promise

days without pain,

laughter without sorrow,

nor sun without rain.

But He did promise

strength for the day,

comfort for the tears,

and light for the way.

Proverbs 31:25

I might record all of Proverbs 31 at some point, but here is a verse that was on someone's Facebook wall yesterday:

She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.  -Proverbs 31:25

Air Supply

I had a thought recently to add something to Pandora, but I could not remember what or who it was. I was trying to think of it yesterday and had no idea. At the time, an Olivia Newton-John song was playing (from Grease), so I decided to add her songs to my playlist. Right after that, an Air Supply song came on and I remembered that's who I was thinking of adding. I think you did that for some reason. The timing was amazing. Thank you!

One out of ten inspirational quotes

I keep trying to pull up an article from Beth Moore called, "10 Inspiring Beth Moore Quotes for Every Christian Woman," but only the first one shows up. It must be important, so I'll write it down:

1.  God's dreams for us are always greater than our own.

"God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and to walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to Him and His plan for complete satisfaction."

Found some more on my own:

From Looking Up: Trusting God With Your Every Need
"I believe God has scheduled a time and a way for you to get out of your pit. You're going to need to show up for it, though."

From Praying God's Word, Day by Day
"The giant step in the walk of faith is the one we take when we decide God no longer is a part of our life. He is our life."

More random quotes (I didn't write down what book they came from though)

The purpose exceeds the pain.

Whatever God is urging you to clear away cannot begin to be compared to what He ultimately wants to bring you.

Courage comes from a heart that is CONVINCED it is loved.

I don't know how, but I know Who.

If you are not royalty, He is not King.

How often we expect big things from God without preparing for big things from Him.

Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes.

Ten billion "H's"

There are like ten billion "H's" in the sky today. Thank you.

Get back up

This was a good quote this week from Dave Ramsey:

Every person falls down at some point. Successful people choose to get back up.

Defying Gravity

This is a good song. I have always liked it and then Kaisa and I saw the play, Wicked, which was amazing. It was on Pandora a little bit ago, so I looked up the lyrics.

Defying Gravity

 

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!

 

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

And you won't bring me down

 

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change but 'til I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!

 

I'd sooner buy

Defying gravity

I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you won't bring me down

 

Unlimited (unlimited)

My future is (future is) unlimited (unlimited)

And I've just had a vision

Almost like a prophecy

I know it sounds truly crazy

And true, the vision's hazy

But I swear, someday I'll be...

 

Flying so high! (Defying gravity)

Kiss me goodbye (defying gravity)

 

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately,

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

 

I'm defying gravity!

And you won't bring me down, bring me down, bring me down!

Ah, ah

Bad things will happen

As you know, I have been having a rough few weeks. My period came this morning, so that explained a little bit (sorry!).

Carter has been sick this week and every day I pray for him to feel better and make it through school. He did today, finally, and it's Thursday. It gave me a sense of what people go through who have sick children who don't get better-like Chad Carr. Although I have had the thought that I wish we had more time with you to say good-bye, that would literally be torture, to keep hoping and praying and getting false hope and then reality setting in that your child is going to die. Hard on the family and hard on the child. Hard is such a weak way to describe what this must be like. I never really thought about in that much depth before. Standing there helpless while your child keeps getting worse and worse, and not being able to do anything about it. Praying for a miracle and not getting it. Having your worst fear come true. Whoa.

Most people take for granted that their child is going to get better, that they're going to go back to school, and life goes on. That is not a guarantee. Most of the time, when someone is in a car accident, they recover and then life goes on. Not always the case. We have to be prepared for that. I mean there's no way to prepare for that, but we have to know that bad things can happen and will happen. It doesn't mean freak out and worry about every little thing. It doesn't mean that God doesn't love us or we have done something wrong. It means that we have to keep going. I'm surprised to be saying this after the past few days. They were horrible! I just had nothing in me. It was scary. Like I didn't want to even come back. Like I didn't want my life. Like there was no point of anything.

It's weird though too because things are getting better with Dad. I think that anger and hate fueled me and provided a giant distraction from dealing with my feelings of losing you. Out of all that has happened with Dad over our whole marriage, I was just noticing on Monday how he took such good care of Carter when he was sick that day and I really appreciated that. I told him that too. That is a huge shift in my thinking and outlook. That can shake everything else up, I guess. Now I feel like I don't know what to talk about with my counselor tomorrow. Oh, well. I'm sure I can think of something. I'm pretty messed up!

Other things that I continue to struggle with are the forgiveness thing which might have cleared itself up with getting along better with Dad, and really grasping the fact the God loves me. When we started that study with the Bible Study ladies, I was crying during the video when it was talking about how much God loves us, how much God loves me. I feel like I so don't deserve that love. I don't. But God loves me anyway. That is such a huge concept-related to forgiveness too I suppose. We don't deserve to have our sins forgiven-I don't deserve to have my sins forgiven. But they are forgiven anyway. No one deserves it. No matter how "good" they are.

"God loves me. God is here. God is for me." These are the phrases we are to keep telling ourselves during this Bible study. How does God feel if I'm not sure if I believe He loves me? What else does He have to do? He made me! How would I feel if one of my children didn't believe I loved them? What an insult! I'm sorry, God! I am just so short-sighted. I am my own worst enemy, I swear. It's horrible. It's like something or someone inside me is trying to bring me down. Some evil voice, making sure I don't think much of myself, no matter what I do. That my only value is in what I do, not who I am.

That killed my spirit a lot too these past few weeks-not being able to keep up on the huge demands I put on myself-housework, laundry, cooking, working out, packing lunches, grocery shopping, etc. I'm a human being, not a human doing. Silly saying. Then feeling bad when I couldn't come to work, etc. I threw up at work and still stayed for two hours. Who does that? And no one cared anyway. It was fine.

Thank you for being with me and reaching out to me. It means the world to me. Love you!

Seeing God Through Love

Nancy Miller sent us a Valentine's message yesterday with this verse referenced. I decided to look it up. I love it when the verses on Biblegateway.com have a little title/heading.

Seeing God Through Love
1 John 4:12-16
No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He is in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.

The days

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When was yet there were none of them.

Really down

I am in a different place than I ever remember being. It's almost too hard to write this. I don't want to do anything that helped me before. I'm down for many reasons-one is because I have been really sick for the past few weeks. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even feel like being me anymore. It's a really odd feeling.

Last week was especially bad because not only was I sick, D was off from work for a few days, so I really felt like I couldn't take any time off to get better. I had to go home early Thursday though after I threw up at work. I felt like such a rat for doing that. It just feels like nobody cares that I'm sick or that it's a bigger deal when someone else is sick. I feel like a giant loser because I must be so unhealthy if I can't shake this illness. I felt like I was hanging on through Wednesday because she was supposed to be back on Thursday, but then she called off because she was sick and J practically made her take Friday off too. (There was some other instance where it seemed like someone else being sick was more important than me, but now I don't remember who it was).

I don't know if this appointment on Friday with the counselor is making a difference or not. I'm not sure if I'm letting go because I know that's on the horizon or if I feel like a loser because I need some help. I just don't want to do anything-I don't even want to sleep or watch TV. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to. My job is boring (that's nothing new, but I think I was realizing last week that it wasn't worth dragging myself to work when I wasn't feeling well because nobody seemed to care). Money matters are stressing me out because Dad has some lean months coming up. Even my own music has been annoying me lately instead of helping me. It's like I haven't been myself but I don't want to be anyway. Sad.

Thank you for the "Good Grief" song on the radio last night. I haven't heard it since Christmas I think. And thank you for the "H" in the sky the other night. That was amazing around the moon. I just don't know what I'm doing everything for. I love Hope and Carter as much as I love you, but sometimes I feel like I'm not helping them very much when I can't get my own head straight. Even praying has been hard. I'm not looking forward to anything. Help me Lord please!

Other side of the stars

Saw this today:

I'll see you on the other side of the stars.

Dangerous thing

One of the most dangerous things you can do is believe someone else's opinion of you.
-Ray Lewis

Missing you

This is a quote from Lexi Behrndt (Scribbles & Crumbs) who hasn't posted anything for a while.

Missing you has settled into my bones.

What once was fierce has softened.

Like a constant melody, your name,

pouring through my mind - on repeat.

Your memory, the undercurrent of my days.

You will be saved

On Getting Your Breath Back...Facebook page today:

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.   Romans 10:9

Strong enough

Quote from Toby Mac:

You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

You knew

When I saw you
I fell in love,
And you smiled
Because you knew.

-William Shakespeare

Pain

Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out.

One sweet day

I didn't know this was the title of the song, but it came on Pandora today and I wrote down "One sweet day" with a heart next to it and then when I went back to Pandora, I noticed that was the name of the song. It felt like you were saying it back to me. Thank you. I'm surprised I have never written down the lyrics. I will do that now. It's sung by Mariah Carey.

One Sweet Day

 

Sorry I never told you

All I wanted to say

And now it's too late to hold you

'Cause you've flown away

So far away

 

Never had I imagined

Living without your smile

Feeling and knowing you hear me

It keeps me alive

Alive

 

(Chorus)

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One sweet day

 

Darling I never showed you

Assumed you'd always be there

I took your presence for granted

But I always cared

And I miss the love we shared

 

(Chorus)

 

Although the sun will never shine the same again

I'll always look to a brighter day

Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep

You will always listen as I pray

 

(Chorus)

 

Sorry I never told you

All I wanted to say

The moment

This was part of a Facebook post from Lydia Kimball's wall. The poem seems familiar but the picture was of a young "ghost" man walking next to someone, and he reminded me of you. Love you boy!

The moment that you left me,
my heart was split in two;
one side was filled with
memories; the other side
died with you.
I often lay awake at night when
the world is fast asleep;
and take a walk down memory
lane with tears upon my cheek.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it everyday;
but missing you is a heartache
that never goes away.
I hold you tightly within my heart
and there you will remain;
you see, life has gone on
without you, but will never be
the same.

Blair Robertson

Other marriages/divorces

I wrote about this topic before, but I keep thinking about it. I remembered how Pastor Saxe'sson, David, divorced his wife. He might have even remarried. What of that? It's something to think about. I know some people worship that family almost. On a much different scale, there's Amy Grant.

I was also thinking about Steve and Katrina and how during the AGM, the topic was being discussed of no remarriage if there's a divorce. Steve Monty questioned that for Steve, and Pastor said that's the rule. That's doubly sad for Steve, because that would give him no chance for kids if he follows that rule.

What about people who have been hurt, abused even, in a marriage for years and years? Treated unkindly, unloved, etc. They're not allowed to leave their spouse when someone else can give them all of that? I'm thinking this might be the same idea as how we aren't supposed to get revenge on someone who has done us wrong. That is up to God. Is it up to God to make up for Steve not having kids if he chooses the Biblical direction and not remarry? I don't see a reconciliation in their future. Would he want someone back who has rejected him? She obviously doesn't want to be with him. Is she going to "wake up" one day and want to reconcile?

What about Don and Nancy? They've been divorced forever. Are they to work towards reconciliation after all this time, when he has a new life with a new partner, etc.? I suppose so. Nancy is keeping her end of the bargain by not seeking a relationship/marriage with anyone else. So the only thing to free someone from the covenant of marriage is death? That's what it says in the Bible and in wedding vows. As a Christian, you are responsible to God for obeying His commands, no matter what your spouse does. It's unfortunate when your spouse makes that so difficult, but that's the deal in a marriage.

I don't think it's healthy either to act fake like nothing's wrong. If there are issues, they need to be dealt with on both ends. Dad needs help. He is doing it wrong. He's treating us all horribly. Your death has only made him worse, but it's not an excuse. It's hard for him to change though when he doesn't even realize he has a problem. I don't know what it's going to take. That part is not up to me though. I have to do what God says. I have to choose God every time. Over and over again. No matter what I think I am "giving up" or "missing out on". I think that if I do what He says, He will take care of the rest. I need so much help with this, Lord.

Forgiveness

This is a topic that has been bothering me lately. It was a topic in our Bible study last week and the challenge was for us to not only forgive someone, but pray for blessings upon them. I can't do that for some reason. There are not a lot of people whom I have issues with, but the ones I do, I can't imagine doing that. It's horrible. But God is working on me. The following addresses the issue. It was part of the Daily Bible Verse and commentary that I get on my Facebook page.

Luke 6:32-36
But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father is also merciful.

Commentary by Dave Whitehead
Following Jesus us a life of costly mercy. To love our enemies and do good to them seems impossible, but as we know more of the nature of God, who is merciful, we find the ability to love those who seem unlovable and we become sacrificial toward those who can't repay us at all. Faith in the good news about God changes us, and that change benefits everyone-even those we don't like.

Help me with this Lord!

It happened again

Today I was in the Wendy's drive-thru, and when I pulled in, I saw a silver Sable in the drive-thru line. When I pulled up around the building, that same Sable was parked in the lot and then pulled out of the spot. It was waiting at the exit and then I noticed a CPS truck pulling up beside me. I braced myself for who might be driving it (if it was JM) but there were two younger guys in the front. It pulled up behind the Sable.

It's so surreal to see those two vehicles together when I'm out and about. It happened at CVS too a  few weeks ago if you recall. I asked, "Why do you do that?" I'm not sure if I was asking you or God or what. It made me cry though. It definitely makes me think of you if that's the intention. It's a sad way to think of you, but I guess I don't know what else would be a clear sign. Love you sweet boy!  You're definitely worth crying over.

Until You Come Back Home/I Don't Want to Live Forever

This song has been on a lot and there are two versions I guess. The first is by Argo Smash and the other one is by Zayn Malik and Taylor Swift. The lyrics are the same though.

Been sittin' eyes wide open behind these four walls, hopin' you'll call
It's just a cruel existence like it's no point hopin' at all

Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin'
What is happenin' to me?

I don't wanna live forever
'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain
And I don't wanna fit in wherever
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home

I'm sittin' eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life

Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
I gave you something, but you gave me nothing
What is happening to me?

I don't wanna live forever
'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain
And I don't wanna fit (fit,babe) wherever (wherever)
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home

I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
(Baby, baby, I feel crazy)
I see you around in all these empty faces
(Up all night, all night and every day)
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
(Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin')
Now I'm in a cab, I tell him where your place is
What is happenin' to me?

I don't wanna live forever
'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain