Lessons

Another great quote by C.S. Lewis

God allows us to experience the low points in life in order to teach us lessons we could learn in no other way.

Sisu

My second cousin had this definition of Sisu online:

Sisu:  used to typify the Finnish spirit. It means resilience, tenacity of purpose, perseverance, bravery, inner strength

A Different Perspective

 I came across this article online and it had a catchy title, so I decided to record it.

"Quit Saying 'Everything Happens For a Reason'"

I do believe God can make everything beautiful, but I don't believe everything happens for a reason.

Have you ever found yourself, in the midst of unimaginable grief, pain, heartache, or despair, wondering how you are going to make it through another day? Wondering where your next breath is going to come from? Your world has crumbled beneath you and has left you feeling shattered, empty and hopeless.

And then a well-meaning friend or family member comes along and drops the infamous "Everything happens for a reason" bomb. You smile kindly and nod. That's all you can do to keep yourself from punching them in the face.

You can't possibly imagine a reason for what just happened.

The more you stew about a possible reason for your pain, the angrier you become. You try. I spent years searching for answers, trying to find reasons that would bring an end to my pain. I thought if I could find the cause, I could treat the condition. But what I found through years of searching, experiencing, and living is that often there is no reason for why tragedy has occurred.

Sometimes bad things happen for no reason other than we are human beings having a human experience. Pain, heartache, grief, loss, disease, and death are inevitable parts of the human experience.

We hear people say "Life dealt me a crappy hand" as if pain and hardships are not the norm. We assume that life is supposed to be easy and when things don't go our way, we feel like we have been wronged. Human beings seem to have an innate sense of entitlement. We think we are owed a pain free existence.

But the truth is that human beings are not exempt from the human experience. And struggle is an innate part of the human experience. None of us are exceptions to this rule. We all struggle. We all suffer. We all experience pain, heartache and loss. And sometimes, there's just no reason other than we are human and pain is a part of the process.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was struggling to find peace with "God's plan" for her life including the recent death of a loved one.

"How could this possibly be God's will?" she asked.

Here's the thing about God's will. Are you ready for this? Listen closely:

God's will is not the path we walk, but rather how we walk the path.

God's plan is never for someone to have cancer. God's will is not for an innocent child to be brutally murdered. God's will is not for a teenage girl to be raped. God's will is not chronic pain, illness, disability or death.

God's will is not an event that happens to us, it's how we respond to what happens.

God's will for us is to walk with Him through the cancer. Through the abuse. Through the death. Through the illness. God's will is for us to draw close to him in the midst of pain. God's will is for us to use our painful life events to carry his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and mercy.

God's plan was never for pain to be part of the human experience. His plan was for us to live in peace and harmony with Him. The human experience became painful when sin entered the world. Our own free will weaved threads of tragedy, loss, heartache and pain into the human experience.

God is not responsible for our pain. We are not responsible for our pain. What happened in the Garden of Eden is responsible for the human condition. And the human condition is hard wired for pain and suffering. God is not causing us to hurt. He is hurting with us. What we do with our hurt is what matters. How we handle tragedy is what brings purpose into our pain. 

There's hardly ever a justifiable reason for the bad things that happen in life. Tragic loss is not laced with inherent specs of good. I used to get so mad when people would say, "you can find good in every situation." That's just not true. There was nothing good about being raped. There is no good in murder or abuse. We have to create the good. We have to choose to respond in a way that brings good into an impossible situation. We have to choose to give purpose and meaning to our suffering.

Not everything happens for a reason. But in everything that happens, there can be a reason to bring hope and healing to others. God can use our pain for a greater good if we choose to let him in.

Homesick lyrics

Here are the lyrics that the song "Homesick" I was talking about by MercyMe:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I'm right here Mom

Homesick

There is a song called Homesick on the CD that Jaime made me soon after your accident. I heard it on the radio this morning after I dropped Carter off. It made me cry because the words are so beautiful and I don't hear it too often apart from the CD.

I then was taking notes on the subject of being homesick for heaven from the Levi Lusko book called Through the Eyes of a Lion and that same song came on Pandora.

I'm surprised that I never recorded the lyrics of that song. It's by Mercy Me. I will have to check on that. LOVE YOU!

Counting Stars

I realized that I never had the lyrics to this song written down before. There are a lot of lyrics! Here you go (yours and Nance's song)

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars, yeah we'll be counting stars

I see this life is a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
And my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find
Oh, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

(Chorus) x 2

I feel the love and I feel it burn
Down this river, every turn
Hope is a four-letter word
Make that money, watch it burn
Oh, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that downs me make me wanna fly

(Chorus) x 2

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons I've learned

(Repeat) x 3

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

(Chorus) x 2

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sing in the river
The lessons are learnt

(Repeat) x 4

I noticed on that repeated part that it goes from the lessons I've learned to the lessons I've learnt. I believe there is some significance to that. Love you!

Kingdom Dreams

This is the second message in a series that Mike Brunk gave at a Bible Conference the week/weekend of your accident. I am finding these messages to be extremely helpful. It is very touching too how he weaves your story into the messages. Here are my notes from this one:

when plans conflict with ours
have to submit to sovereign rule of God
Daniel 2
  God reveals invisible truth
  God challenges idol worshippers of the world
  challenging false gods
Dream interpretation
  tell me my dream said Nebuchadnezzar
  their gods could not make contact
  ability to foretell future
Isaiah 46: 9,10:  Remember the former things of old, For I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me, Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things that are not yet done, Saying, 'My counsel shall stand, And I will do all My pleasure,'
specific types of prophecies given
dream interpretation
(1) God responsible for kingdoms-rising and falling
(2) Limit-you will go this far and no more, determined limit
(3) God going to accomplish kingdom of Christ-our programs have to fit under God's
(4) Sometimes His plans cross our plans
Daniel 3
 N. made image of gold of himself
 I'm whole image, not just the head like in dream
 allegiance with false god
 can't pretend
 fiery furnace
 the majority not always right
  even other Christians
even your God can't save you from me
N.'s dream in conflict with God's
same with S., M. and A.-had plans of their own as young men (Hayden's age)
we will let God have His way-we surrender, we give up
flame of fire killed soldiers who brought them up
fall down to certain death
saw four men in furnace
  total deliverance-even clothes did not have smoke smell
In relation to accident-God could have delivered church from the fire, but didn't
Beautiful thought: had God delivered from the fire would have been amazing, but God delivering us through the fire is miraculous
Look for God to bring good things out of this
We accept your will
  witness before this community-nobody reacts that way to these types of things
Be ready always to give an answer/defense
Why would they ask you about hope that is in you otherwise?
What makes you different? Wait for God to bring people to us to ask us
Do we sorrow as world does?
Humble ourselves



 

Shakespeare (so fancy!)

This quote from Shakespeare was in my nightly devotional book. It sounds like he might have firsthand experience with this-I'll have to look into that sometime.

Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me all of his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form.

I Will Always Choose You

Another article from #On Coming Alive

Once upon a time, I had a little girl. Her smile and curls and doe-brown eyes were a sight to behold. She was mine. My dream. And then, one summer day, Florence was given a terminal diagnosis for her weak muscles:  Spinal Muscular Atrophy type one. I shook my head in disbelief. She would beat it. She had to. This was impossible. This was not how the story was supposed to unfold. This was my firstborn daughter. The one I had dreamed of since I, myself, was a little girl. I needed to see her grow up. I needed to see her thrive.

But nothing changed. Her disease weakened over time. On a spring day, three years after her diagnosis, when the marigolds were in bloom, Florence Marigold took her last ragged breath and slipped into the arms of Jesus. She was surely welcomed with joy and glory as she took her first shaky steps. But in the dust, her mama and daddy sat holding the weight of her. She was gone forever from this world. The storybook ending was rubbed out, black ink oozing over all that was good and pure.

My daughter died, and pieces of me that had been awakened over the years of her life slowly crumbled into ash. I felt the heat of heaven that day, so close was I to going with her. How could I go on?

I caved right into myself, slammed the bathroom door and felt the waves of shock curse through my body. I knelt down in the shower, feeling the need to cleanse myself and scream and shrivel right up. Perhaps the water would drown out my wailing. I'll never know if others heard me sobbing in the shower at the hospice that night. But I remember thinking about it, trying to curtail the groans that escaped from my lips. Like labour, I heaved and moaned and let the waves pound me. Then I paused, looked at the tile wall and gasped. How normal everything appeared, and yet my entire body was in agony. I pictured everyone going about their happy lives, unaware of what was threatening to consume me. It felt terribly unfair and unjust.

When death greets you, hollow, gray and permanent, you are singed. These were not words I wanted to live with.  Death. Grief. Hollow. Pain. As I entered into the grieving process I felt like I would be swallowed whole.

But a few months later, I knew I needed to pick up what was left at my feet, however ugly these pieces appeared. I began to feel every breath that escaped my lungs, easy and smooth like silk on skin. She struggled to breathe her whole life. I must carry weight with this breath of mine. I must use my words well.

I have never felt more beautiful, capable, strong, wrecked and broken down. I have never felt and seen so much.

The newfound lust for life. The weight of mourning clothes. The buttery shell of a croissant on a weekend morning. The defeat during the holidays. The simplicity of sunshine on a cloud filled day. The familiar terror when my son had a bad cold.

Everything is now magnetized. Yes, my sorrow is great, but there is also something magical that has occurred: my joy is greater, my hope is wilder, my gratitude is deeper, my fear is falling away.

Eight months into my grieving journey (same as us!), and I'm just starting to see the light, but I am choosing to see it. The little slivers of it that have peeked through the darkness. They are there, beckoning me to rise up and greet the day.

I will come alive. Minute by minute. I will let myself come alive again. I will welcome the life that I have left to live with wide, open arms. Elbows bent, head tilted back, I will gulp it all in. (Hayden).

I will always sing your name, baby (boy). I will always choose you.

Ah.

Perhaps this is what guides me through. Knowing I would choose (him) again. Knowing I wouldn't trade in the pain and agony. I wouldn't give up my opportunity to birth, carry and know (him).

So, with each melodious memory, carefully crafted by my (boy), I will learn to dance. It will be clumsy, it will be beautiful, but it will be.

I will not let grief overwhelm me. I will welcome it, acknowledge it, and write it all over me. Who says good things can't grow in the dark? This is, after all, where all of life began. In the dust, in the dark, in the quiet of the womb.

I see through new lenses now. My eyes have adjusted in this place of perpetual night.

I can see the good gifts my (son) has left me. Hard fought, costly, but gifts I will receive.

I will let my fists unclench. I will open my eyes. I will feel the stunning current of joy rush through me. Grief takes away, but it also gives back.

I will not let death defeat me, nor will I let it snuff out (his) flame.

-Michaela Evanow

Baptism audio

I think I told you I was looking through old emails around the time of your accident because I was curious to see what Pastor asked for as far as prayer goes for you. What prompted me to check was an email he sent out for Becky Banks who had a mild heart attack and he asked for her to be restored to health. I concluded that due to the nature of your injuries, maybe he thought restoration wasn't an option to pray for. Anyway, I'm over that-that's just a background to how I found the baptism audio.
   The kids and I listened to the recording a week ago Sunday (Dad was gone for the day, mad at me again). Pastor recorded a lovely introduction to explain what the recording was from, the date, etc. and how you were baptized with Alexis, Joseph and Joel. He also told about your accident and how you died with your family by your side.
  That part is what intrigued me. I don't know why he said that, but I was thinking about it and the doctors said you died sometime during the day on Thursday, August 20th. That's why I always have a problem of your death being August 21, 2015, because that's when they actually called it. When they let us in to see you that afternoon for the first time, we were singing songs to you like Jesus Loves Me and other kids' church songs. I'd like to think that you held on long enough for when we were in there to let go and that you were ushered into heaven's gates with us singing your way in. I'd like to think that you saw us there when you left your body and hovered above it. I'd like to think that you saw all of your friends too in the waiting room before you left. Bless your sweet heart, boy. Thanks for waiting for us-I wouldn't have wanted you to die alone. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Ruby Watts

That is the name of the lady who received your liver. I just emailed her links to the articles about you from The Ann Arbor News and The Saline Post.
   While I was working on forwarding her the links, that song White Dove came on Pandora. As my other post explained, it's a hidden track on the Casting Crowns song It's All Because of Jesus. I noticed the same thing-the long pause with no music and I checked Pandora to make sure it was still on. Soon, I heard that little tune and I knew you were here! That song by Lifehouse From Where You Are came on too and It Is Well With My Soul.
   I realized with the White Dove song that it was the first time I felt you connecting with me after your death. Some people call those God winks-I don't like that term for some reason. For one thing, I believe they are coming directly from you and they are more powerful than just "winks" or "nods". (I just remembered someone called them God nods). Anyway, thank you for that today and always! They fill my soul and heart up with YOU!
   I will probably write more as we get to know Ruby. I asked Dad if he thought Ruby was a black lady's name. He said no, probably just an older lady's. We will see-you already know don't you? I entered a search for Ruby Watts on Facebook and a black lady popped up. Not that it matters, it's just an observation. LOVE YOU!
  
  

Through the Eyes of a Lion notes by Levi Lusko

This is a book I read a few times by a pastor whose young daughter died. It's really good. I am going to re-read it and take notes.

Introduction  The Naked Eye
(You know there's going to be a lot of notes when even the intro is included!)

"It's as though I am in an abandoned movie theater inside my mind, being forced to watch archival footage from a horror movie that is my life."

(Wanted to save this song reference: Christ Tomlin's "I Will Rise")

"Every moment of every day, you are in an invisible battle that ever rages on."

"...every moment of every day, we must make the all-important choice of whether we will rely on the naked eye. Will we trust what we can see if there, or believe what God says is there?"

2 Corinthians 4:18:  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

"...the issue isn't whether your life is going well or falling apart; the question is, what makes you so sure you can tell the difference?"

Section heading   Present But Not Always Accounted For

Story of Elisha and his servant Gehazi when soldiers were coming after them: He told his servant that there were more their side than on their enemies'. Elisha prayed that Gehazi would see with his own eyes and when he looked outside again, he saw a bigger army. The angels didn't show up when G's eyes were opened. They were there but he couldn't see them.

"He now understood that the thing that had him surrounded was itself surrounded by God. So it always is."

Section heading   Hidden In Plain Sight

stargazing-even when you can't see the stars, they are still there

"No matter what time of day or night it is, there are always stars in the sky. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there."

"What you think you see is not all that is there. There are unseen things. Spiritual things. Eternal things."

seeing life this way will not only allow you to perceive the invisible, it will give you strength to do the impossible

Chapter One   Destined For Impact

"When you don't recognize the value of what you have in your hands, you will always get from it far less than what it is worth."

talking about you

Section heading   You Are the One, Neo

"There are things God intends for you to accomplish that no one else has been chosen for."

"But if you don't understand that calling, you will undervalue it."

Section heading   You Matter More Than You Know

God made you

Lets us make our own decisions

Immortal

What God was willing to spend to redeem you and give you hope

"There is no higher price that has ever been paid for anything in history."

You have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit

You have been given gifts and unique privileges

Have been tasked with greatest mission-the Great Commission

Section heading   Royal Representatives and Spiritual Superheroes

part of royal line of heaven-kings and priests to our God

we get to represent God

today your life is made up of moments that don't feel all that special

doing things in an entirely new way

example of getting pupils dilated and everything close seems fuzzy but you can see far away

"My aim is for God to use this book to dilate the eyes of your soul so that you will see things as laser sharp that are yet far off, and so that all the things that seem so real, but are not going to last, would lose their crispness."

Chapter Two   Cows Die There

sometimes there is more than one good option

Job in will of God-didn't know it at the time

faith-necessary part of process

Section heading   Levi's Genes  (parents' testimonies)

Section heading  Breaking Bad

"...I had too much of the truth in me to be happy in the world, but too much of the world in me to be happy in the truth."

"Corrie Ten Boom's sister Betsie said, 'There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still.'"

Section heading   Killer Dana

Section heading   Our Gatorade Just Froze

can cut butterflies out of cocoons but will never develop the strength they need in their wings to be able to achieve takeoff

flight only comes after the fight

figuring things out for yourself is valuable
(Personal note:  I've often felt very physically alone in this grief journey, but some of it you just have to figure out for yourself. It's based on the relationship between Hayden and I and no one knows exactly how that was besides me and him)

Section heading   Fresh Life

"The fingerprints of God are often invisible until you look at them in the rearview mirror."

"Discerning God's calling is more a relationship than a route, more journey than destination. It's about who you are becoming more than where you are going. Perhaps it's less about what you do and more about how well you do whatever you do. It's not something you have to sit around waiting for; it's something that's all around you, even now. It's here and it's ready, if you would just open your eyes."

Chapter Three   The Christmas From Hell

"Death doesn't always call ahead. It comes to us in a lot of ways, but often it is a surprise."

"So too, when death came to our home, it blindsided us. To say that we weren't expecting it is putting it mildly. It came out of nowhere and delivered a sucker punch so fast that we didn't have the chance to even think about flexing. Like a thunderous blow to the solar plexus, it knocked the wind out of us and left us gasping for breath on an emergency room floor."

Section heading   Nightmare Before Christmas

"I had seen God do the impossible in my life. Dreams had come true. Now, my worst nightmare had too. I would have died on the spot if it could have helped (him). But I wasn't given that option. There was no miracle. (His) body remained motionless. (He) was pronounced dead."

(Personal note: I looked up when she died and it was on a Thursday, Dec. 20th)

no title for parent who loses a child

"Though we were afraid, we were not alone. We experienced peace that passes understanding. Everything we preached in the sunshine we believed in this valley--the valley of the shadow of death. We lifted our hands to the air, right there in the ER, and blessed the name of God who gives and takes away."

Section heading   Shock and Awe

C.S. Lewis:  Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you will still have to decide what to do.

"It was difficult and traumatizing to confront death in such a savage and vicious way on a day that was supposed to be so much fun. If we did not have hope, I honestly don't know how we could have stood up to it. It was terrible to face it even with the promise that Christ had conquered the grave."

Section heading   The Gift of Sight

Jesus was the first and ultimate organ donor

"To think of a part of our (son) helping people see or enabling someone to go through lifesaving surgery that could give him or her more time to come to know Jesus was too beautiful of an opportunity to pass on."

There was an asterisk at the bottom of the page the past two times I read this, so I wanted to record it:  "Throughout this book I will refer to (Hayden) in the past tense. This is not only difficult to do, but it feels dishonest, as I know that she is today more alive than (he) has ever been. I do so for clarity and because (he) has finished her race and fought the good fight, not because (his) life is over."

"I hated the world for not having (him) in it any more."

"I have also been given the gift of sight. Having my (son) travel to the distant shores of heaven has opened my eyes to things unseen."

Chapter Four   Turn Off the Dark

Section heading   The Message

The light of Jesus' birth turns off four things:
(1) Loneliness
(2) Fear
(3) Despair
(4) Guilt

One more thing-death!

Section heading   Preach the Word, Dad!

realized there would be hole in every picture we look from here on out

2 Timothy 1:10:  but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and immortality to light through the gospel

Section heading   Sorrow Upon Sorrow

Hebrews 2:15:  and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage

Philippians 2:27: For indeed he was sick almost unto death; but God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.

describes waves crashing on the shore

randomness to pattern

"No wonder Paul compared grief to the viciousness of dangerous surf. Grief is powerful and unpredictable. Your skin flushes, your heart burns, and your eyes sting. It's very difficult to keep your thoughts collected, and all but impossible to keep your emotions at bay. With the expection of when you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol, grief is probably the most powerful mood/mind/body-altering state you can be in, especially in the initial shocking of the aftermath of the traumatic event that caused it."

"Then one day you feel good--and you feel bad for feeling good."

Sorrow upon sorrow upon sorrow, with a side of sorrow

Paul sad even though he knew heaven is for real and he had been there (that's where Philippians 1:21 came from: For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain)

Section heading   Hurting With Hope

hurting with hope still hurts

there will be something missing the rest of our lives

God's not happy about it either: "He knew that sin would trigger death. He never intended for us to struggle in the surf, with wave after wave after wave of sadness crashing down upon us."

Lazarus-Jesus groaned in spirit

became angry at death, enough to do something about it

"Any physical miracle is just a delaying of the inevitable."

Jesus always focused on spiritual work because that lasts forever

"The thing we normally focus on--tangible demonstrations of God moving--was a failure to Jesus if it didn't accompany something greater that happened on an invisible level!"

Jesus used death against Satan-Hebrews 2:14: Inasmuch then as the children have partaken of the flesh and blood, He Himself likewise shared in the same, that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil

The gospel:  Jesus turned off the dark

God is not finished yet

"If there is one thing you need to know about God, it's that he always gets the last word."

2 Timothy 2:10 (already quoted earlier)--abolished

future event in past tense--something that hasn't happened yet, but because it is so certain to occur it can be referred to as having been completed already

only God can make promises like that

"God doesn't have to build any buffers in the promises he makes, because (a) he is outside time, and what he will do is already complete to him... and (b) there is no one who can stop him, and nothng can stand in his way."

Section heading   Carved in Stone
(Personal note:even though some of these headings don't have notes, it helps me to keep track of where I'm at)

Section heading   Preaching in Pain

2 Corinthians 5:8: We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.
(Personal note: I have Bible Gateway pulled up as a tab so I can go back and forth to look up Bible verses. Very handy!)

Section heading   Coming Full Circle

Chapter Five   No Inhalers in Heaven

we have one in the target, (two) in the quiver

"The same (day) that was the worst of our lives by far was the beginning of endless summer and joy unspeakable. (He) fell asleep on earth and woke up in the presence of the Father of eternity. While we began to live a nightmare, (he) had woken up from the dream of this life, and a bright and glorious day was dawning that would never end."

Section heading   The Easy Part and the Hard Part

"Heaven is a place, like New York or Paris. Untainted by sin and disease, and unspoiled by evil, it is like earth, only better. Heaven is full of laughter and play, eating and drinking, working and exploring--all infused and energized by the presence of God and pulsating with holy wonder. When I think about (Hayden) being there, I don't picture (him) looking back longingly at (his) life here on earth, wishing (he) could go back, like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. I see (him) riding a horse down the beach, (his) hair whipped by the warm wind, a huge smile across (his) face. (He) is living in the midst of (his) glory days and no doubt is thrilled when (he) thinks of us getting to join (him) there."

desperate to learn (that's how I was/am)

Section heading   Breaking Camp

2 Corinthians 5:  For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. (vv.1-8)

this life is a camping trip

eventually-tent irreparable so can't be used anymore

"The tent that you leave behind is not you. You are not your body. You will never be buried. There is not a single person in the cemetery. Those who used to inhabit those tents have moved on into eternity. Death is not the end of the road; it's just a bend in the road."

have to reframe thinking

Section heading   Death Was Never the End of the Story

resolving to believe

John 5:28-29:  Do not marvel at this; for the hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth--those who have done good, to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil, to the resurrection of condemnation.

cemetery-temporary sleeping place

1 Corinthians 15: 42-44: So also is the resurrection of the dead. The body is sown in corruption, it is raised in incorruption. It's sown in dishonor; it's raised in glory. It's sown in weakness, it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body.

we will return to our bodies once again

intermediate state now

location suitable for living with a body

1 Corinthians 15:55: O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?

RIP- Raised In Power

Chapter Six   Cue the Eagle

Ring of Fire-last step of birth, first step of grief

pregnancy in reverse

"Nothing can ever be as severe as the initial crushing blow when the person you love is torn from you."

next-heavy sorrow

no longer in shock-can feel more pain

when something ripped out, always a hole

God can coat raw and jagged edges in grace like a pearl in an oyster

being able to enjoy life doesn't mean you don't miss the person who is gone

enjoy bittersweetness and longing as proof of love

"Just as pregnancy has a pleasurable beginning and a painful ending, grief starts with something brutal and ends with something beautiful: heaven."

Section heading   Saturdays

between Jesus' burial on Friday and his resurrection on Sunday

"Perhaps for those in heaven, Saturday is 'Narnia time," lasting just a second, since to the Lord a thousand years is as a day and a day as a thousand years (2 Peter 3:8). Maybe when we get to heaven, it will be like going through a wormhole in the movie Interstellar (you loved that movie!) and we will all enter heaven's gates just moments from each other, no matter how many years apart we died."

Saturday lasts way too long

Section heading   Eagle Alert

"Living with your heart set on heaven but your feet still on earth is not easy."

"...as a blood-bought child of the King of Kings, you have the right to cue the eagle anytime you need to."

Isaiah 40:30-31:  Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not be faint.

graveyard spiral

"I am not superstitious, but that was superspecial."

Section heading   Take Heart

heart also translated as courageousness-take it from His hand

"The truth is, your heart will get lost if you let it."

Psalm 27: 13-14:  I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Chapter Seven   There's No Such Thing As a Wireless Anchor

symbol of the anchor stands for hope

Hebrews 6:19:  This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil

"And because of hope, even in the midst of the worst storms of our life, we have an anchor for our souls."

"The most important battle is the one you fight within, in your mind and heart, to not give up."

Section heading   But What Is Hope?

"...to have hope is to believe that something good is going to happen. That help is on the way. That it's not over yet, and no matter how dark it seems, there's going to be light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is a confident expectation. A joyful anticipation. An active, dynamic, energizing enthusiasm. When you have hope, gale-force winds can blow and tsunami waves can smash into the hull of your life, but you are buoyed by the belief that the best is yet to come, that brighter days are ahead. Hope quietly tells your heart that all is not lost, even as storms rage. Our hope is a living hope, because Jesus lives forever."

we are anchored to heaven by Jesus

to be effective, an anchor has to be attached to something

the Holy Spirit is the chain to the anchor

Section heading   Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

"(He) is with him, and he is in me."

we are holding hands with the one holding (Hayden)

"The more we are filled with the Spirit, the more heaven comes near."

Section heading  The Gospel According To Iron Man

important to gather together with the church-feel closest to (Hayden)

Section heading   Planted, Plugged In, Prepared

train for the trial you're not yet in

strength of lions comes from whole pride

trials reveal foundations, whether sand or rock

Chapter Eight   Pain Is A Microphone

my pain can be used to give hope and courage to others

Section heading   There Will Be Blood

"Suffering isn't an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before."

used powerfully and suffer greatly

pain is guaranteed

the world hates Jesus and hates His followers too

Section heading   Crushed Like An Olive

anointed like kings and priests

no anointing without a crushing

A.W. Tozer:  It is doubtful whether God could ever bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.

Section heading   Nothing Is Wasted

the more we hurt, the louder we become

must not be selfish with your pain

Two reasons why your volume gets louder as life gets harder:
(1) when you're going through a great time of trial, people around you tend to get quieter
      want to see if your claims are true
(2) in trials, you can hear God better because He is closer

"There's perhaps no time you are as powerful as when you minister in the midst of pain."

hard times are a passport to get to places you wouldn't be otherwise-i.e. hospital, etc.

Section heading   A Door Unlocked

Section heading  Impossible Pain, Incredible Power

brings peace to your own heart to help others

think about others who helped you

the more impossible your pain, the more incredible the power he will bring out of it

God gives his toughest assignments to his most trusted soldiers

"God doesn't cause bad things to happen, but he is sovereign, and nothing happens outside his permission."

"His endgame is to sabotage all your suffering and use what was meant for evil to accomplish his purposes."

"I also want you to believe in Jesus' name that there will come a day when the devil will regret ever asking God's permission to give you your trials, because you will end up twice as blessed as you started out."

Section heading   Sight For the Blind

pray about the people you are opened up to reach through your microphone called pain

Chapter Nine   Homesickness:  An Ache You Can't Shake

camping analogy from 2 Corinthians:5-we are on our way home

Section heading   Hardwired To Chase Heaven

rush of feeling of being home

"All of us have been hardwired to pursue eternity, to chase heaven, our true homeland."

Randy Alcorn from book "Heaven" (I don't know if I will do notes on that book-it's huge!): You have been made for a person and a place. That person is Jesus, and that place is heaven.

Section heading   Groaning: The Soundtrack To Our Homesickness

nostalgia: return home + pain=discomfort you feel when longing to get back to your home

spiritual homesickness-not actually a desire to go back to a place where we used to live, it's an aching for a place where we will live one day

future nostalgia: homesick for a place we have never been

groan: to sigh with anxiety or to yearn

Romans 8:22:  For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now.

things aren't as they are supposed to be

Section heading   Wrecked-and Reset

all the code here on earth has been compromised

Section heading   Lean In To the Groan

Romans 8:19-22:  For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly; but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now.

earnest expectation

"When you heart is properly focused on the things that are to come instead of paralyzed by the hard and the horrible things you have had to handle, you are postured to be effective in the present."

Quote from C.S. Lewis' "Chronicles of Narnia": "You do not look so happy as I mean you to be." Lucy said, "We're so afraid of being sent away, Aslan. And you have sent us back to our own world so often." "No fear of that," said Aslan. "Have you not guessed?" Their hearts leaped and a wild hope rose within them. "There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly. "Your father and mother and all of you are-as you used to call it in the Shadowlands-dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning." And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them."

Chapter 10   Panem Et Circenses

Section heading   Satan: A Lying Hyena

The devil is headed to hell but wants to take as many people with him as possible to hurt God

If you are saved, Satan can't do anything about it, but he can try to keep you from taking anyone to heaven

he can't make you do anything-you always have a choice

we often underestimate our enemy's creativity

Section heading   Satan's Weapon:  Bread and Circuses

food and entertainment

destruction by distraction-good things that take the place of the most important things

Section heading   We Don't Belong Here

Philippians 3:19:  whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame-who set their mind on earthly things

On receiving his child's death certificate in the mail:  "Seeing (his) beautiful name on such a ghastly document was crushing."

"Salvation affects spiritual citizenship because it is an event that encompasses both birth and death."

Colossians 3:3:  For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Section heading   Corrective Lenses

"That is the goodness of grief, the grace of suffering. The flood of sorrow blasting its way through your soul wipes out attention previously devoted to trivial things."

can almost taste heaven

as though a lens that was misaligned in my soul jolted into place

my soul cries out for what my (son) is experiencing

Section heading   I Seek a Homeland

must make an ongoing decision to walk in faith

we are pilgrims

E.M. Bounds:  Heaven ought to draw and engage us. Heaven ought to so fill our hearts and hands, our manner, and our conversation, our character, and our features, that all would see that we are foreigners, strangers to this world...The very atmosphere of the world should be chilling to us and noxious, its suns eclipsed and its companionship dull and insipid. Heaven is our native land and home to us, and death to us is not the dying hour, but the birth hour.

Section heading   The Harm of Being Hybrid

keep your eyes on heaven

Chapter Eleven   Run Toward the Roar

disorienting endlessness to suffering that makes it easy to lose your bearings

gut reaction is to run away

Section heading   The Nearest Lion May Be Behind You

example of hunting lions and lionesses-the lion roars and the prey runs away from the roar to the hiding lioness, in other words, the prey's instincts are wrong

when you get fight-or-flight sensation run towards the roar

don't let anything sneak up on you

can't let fear play a part in decision-making

for there to be faith, there has to be mystery

Section heading   Let It (the Fear of Failure) Go

Section heading   A Manifesto in the Face of Fear

what choice do we have but to make it through?

Section heading   Facing Up to Mr. Freeze

facing your fears

"I dare you to believe that the day will come where what you are most scared of right now will be included in your highlight reel as a triumphant victory."

Chapter Twelve   Pencils Down

inevitability of you dropping dead

life is a timed test

James 4:13-14:  "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away."

Section heading   Premonitions

1 Samuel 20:3:  Then David took an oath again, and said, "Your father certainly knows that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said, 'Do not let Jonathon know this, lest he be grieved.' But truly, as the Lord lives and as your soul lives, there is but a step between me and death."

death is not a departure, it is also an arrival

"The Two Ships" by Francis Bret Harte
As I stand by the cross on the lone mountain's crest,
Looking over the ultimate sea,
In the gloom of the mountain a ship lies at rest,
And one sails away from the lea:
One spreads its white wings on a far-reaching track,
With pennant and sheet flowing free;
One hides in the shadow with sails laid aback,-
The ship that is waiting for me!

But lo, in the distance the clouds break away!
The Gate's glowing portals I see;
And I hear from the outgoing ship in the bay
The song of the sailors in glee:
So I think of the luminous footprints that bore
The comfort o'er dark Galilee,
And wait for the signal to go to the shore
To the ship that is waiting for me.

Section heading   Plus Ultra and Carpe Diem

more beyond

recap of book: you are destined for impact, there is a price you will have to pay to activate your calling, the devil will do anything he can to stop you

potential is perishable

Only one life, 'twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last.

Warren Weirsbe, "On Being a Servant of God":  It's not ability God is looking for but availability.

What we do in life echoes in eternity

Afterword   To Infinity and Beyond

The Colors of (Him)

This is actually called "The Colors of Her" but I like to change things to apply to you. Another story from # On Coming Alive

About a year after my seventeen-month-old daughter Hudson died from a sudden bacterial infection, I began to notice these birds singing outside my house at 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning. I'd get up to go to the bathroom, and instead of the carpet of silence I would usually expect in the deep dark of the night, I would hear the birds chirping loudly and incessantly, almost as if they had no idea it was pitch black out there.

They pissed me off. What business did they have singing at that hour of the night? Why were they interfering with my sleep, the only time I had any hope at all of escaping the giant elephant that had been balancing on one huge, ruffle-trimmed foot right in the middle of my sternum during every waking hour since my daughter died?

After many nights of this relentless middle-of-the-night noise, I recalled the words of Bengali poet Rabindranath Tagore, who wrote, "Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark."

Finally I realized that the birds sang because they knew something I didn't. They knew that light was coming soon. And it was coming whether I liked it or not.

And I did not like it. At all. The light was the last thing I wanted. Every bone in my body ached to stay in the dark, because that's where I thought my daughter lived. In those early days, I reacted almost viscerally to the wise and loving assurances of so many other bereaved parents who had walked this harrowing road before me--the very notion that there would be joy again felt like the worst kind of betrayal of Hudson and her life. If my grief was the reflection of my boundless love for her, then my grief was the only way to stay connected to her. If I lessened my grip on my grief, even a little bit, it would mean the beginning of lessening my grip on my little girl and everything that she had been to me. And she had been everything.

After Hudson died, people would often tell me that they thought I was "strong" and "amazing." I scoffed at the notion, because to me, I had no choice but to do what I was doing even though I hated every minute of it. I felt like I was being forced to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even though I had absolutely no desire to move anywhere, let alone forward.

But then something unexpected happened. As I kept putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again, every single brutal moment of every single brutal day, I began to understand that while I did not have a choice in whether to move forward, I did have a choice in how to move forward.

I began to understand that the real betrayal of my daughter's life lay not in moving into the light, but rather in staying in the dark. She didn't live in the dark--only my pain lived there. And while I knew I would never be free of the pain, I also knew that clinging to it wouldn't bring my daughter back to me. I began to understand that the best way to remember her and honor her life was to move into the light, taking her with me every step of the way.

Now I imagine my life as a giant blanket I've been knitting for forty years. And six years ago this May, fate ripped a hole in it so large that the blanket was no longer recognizable as mine. In the beginning, I thought that moving into the light and finding joy again would mean mending the hole, putting it back the way it was like nothing had ever happened. And I knew that there was no way I could ever repair the hole. And more importantly, I knew that I didn't want to, because it's the place I last saw her, the place I last touched her and held her small, warm body next to mine. And so it's the place where I remain most connected to her.

But then I realized that I didn't have to make the hole disappear in order to move forward. All I had to do was keep knitting. Each and every time I put one foot in front of the other. I knit another stitch. Stich after stich. Row after row.

The hole never gets any smaller--instead, it's become part of the fabric of my existence.

The hole never disappears--instead, it holds her place.

And with each new stitch I knit, I carry the strand that is Hudson with me. Her stunning color is woven into every forward step I take. And if I'd stayed there in the dark, no one else would have ever seen it.

Those birds were right. The light comes whether we like it or not, and even though it may not seem so at the time, it is worth singing about.

-Mandy Hitchcock

Nance's text from Jake

I went to lunch with Nance yesterday and we were talking about the day of your accident since it was the 8-month mark this week. She still had the text from Jake from that day. I wish I had texts that had saved from that time, but maybe it's just as well.

This may not be the exact wording but here is the jist of it:

Jake:  "Hayden in car crash and airlifted to U of M hospital"
Nance: "Omg, what can I do?"

She ended up coming right to the hospital

Collide

I've mentioned this song in other posts, so I thought I would look up the lyrics. Here they are:

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop there
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

(Personal note: The beginning of this song makes me think of how your accident was in the morning, before I was even awake. God bless you sweet boy!)

Faith Through the Fire

This is another #On Coming Alive story. What stood out to me is that it talks of the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego which I just wrote about yesterday from Mike Brunk's message.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego replied to the king, 'O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'

My family was thrown into the furnace last year. Benjamin was born...(many problems). He never knew life outside of the cardiac ICU, but I pray hard he knew the love of his parents. A fierce, gripping, powerful love that must only be tapped by a mom and dad fighting for the life of their innocent child as his breathing tube is removed and his pacemaker is disconnected, powering down just like every organ system in our little one's body did.

The story of the men mentioned above, who were threatened to be burned alive if they didn't follow the king's orders, is one I gleaned encouragement from before, during, and after losing Benjamin. I love the simplicity of these guys' faith--childlike, they believe their God can save them from anything--yet with wisdom beyond their years, they confess that "even if He does not," they will not waiver. If you went to Sunday School and remember the felt board illustration, then you remember how the story ends--Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego (only underlines Abendego for possible misspelling every time) walk out, unharmed, likely with hearts pounding and fists pumping, praising God for following through.

Our story had a different climax, though. While these three guys professed to serve their God, no matter the outcome, they came out triumphant on the other side. The fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed. Oh, how I wish our story was written along the same lines! Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego's triumph was in the fact that the God they served was able to, and did, rescue them from the blazing furnace. Our triumph is in the fact the "even if He does not..." Even if He does not, He is still good. Even if He does not, He still loves (Hayden), and loves us. Even if He does not, He is still worthy. Even if He does not on earth...He will in heaven.

I am living out the profession and proclamation of faith that Shadrach, Meschach, and Abendego fearlessly made. I am choosing to believe, clinging to truth, clutching to hope. It's ugly, it's messy, it's scary. It's shaky footing as I walk the balance beam of life between earth and heaven, but it's the story I've been cast for. It's not an easy read, and it probably won't be winning any awards. It doesn't have the happy ending we prayed for. But the beauty of the Gospel is that because Christ Himself came to earth, God in the form of man walked the balance beam (with sure, steady footing) between humanity and sovereignty, and granted us eternal life by dying in our places and raising again...the beauty of the Gospel story is that it doesn't end here. It doesn't end when the surgeries fail, the medications aren't cutting it, and our bodies betray us. The Gospel story breathes life into our rough drafts and makes legible sentences out of choppy words.

"But even if He does not..." Oh, I wish He had. I wish our testimony was mirror image to Shadrach's, Meshach's, and Abendego's, and I don't know why it's not. (Hayden) suffered and died, and while the heart of God is not, as Lamentations 3:33 says, willingly bring affliction on anyone, He allowed it, for reasons that are beyond me. But I have confidence that, while (Hayden's) beautiful body couldn't be fixed, he is now made complete; his earthly story ended, but his eternal story is just beginning. As for me and the rest of my story, I'm not sure what else lies ahead, but I know that the Author hasn't put the pen down yet. And when the day comes that my earthly story sees its final word, I know the good stuff begins with the flip of a page.

From Pete Greig's book "God on Mute": The Christian gospel is the story of a God who breaks the rules of plausibility--often when we least expect it and in ways we could never have predicted. Living with unanswered prayer, I need a big God; an awesome, unspeakable amazing God; a death-defying eternal God; a God who dies in Siberian concentration camps and senseless car crashes in order to destroy death and release an indestructible life. I need a God whose promises are certain; a God who's been there before and can walk with me and counsel me and pray for me and prepare a place for me and who can even make all things work together for good. This, then, is the confession we cannot afford to compromise, even when it propels us into the realms of mystery and confusion: Our God is our Father, loves us completely, is all-powerful and will ultimately make all things new.

Personal note: I just had an image from this excerpt of Jesus being at the wheel when you car hit the truck and dying in your place specifically. Even though he died on the cross for everyone, it's an interesting thought to put him actually in your place and anyone believer's place who died. That's what His death on the cross meant though. He took your place so you could live. Death is the punishment for our sins, but we don't have to take the punishment since He did for us. That reminds me of your verse, Romans 6:23: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. Praise God for that! Love you!

Kingdom Disaster

The week of your accident, the Brunks were in town at church for a Bible Conference. Mike Brunk gave a message on Wednesday night about church unity but decided to change the topic after Thursday. Mr. Brunk was actually very helpful that week and weekend since Pastor Matt was tied up at the hospital, etc. with us. Here's what was written on the sermon page for this message:

After Wednesday's message on unity in the church, one of our church's teenagers was killed in a car accident. The initial plan for our Bible conference did not seem appropriate to the new circumstances of our church family, so Missionary Mike Brunk changed the series to look at some texts in the book of Daniel to remind the church family of the sovereignty of God over all the events of the world, world kingdoms and in the lives of His people. The book of Daniel is about how God is in control when things seem out of control. The remaining messages will be the Kingdom Dreams, Kingdom Digits, and the King of the Beasts.

Added at bottom of this:  We saw that God lovingly trains and disciples His people. Daniel resolved not to be conformed to his earthly surroundings.

The date of this message was August 22, 2015 which was Saturday and is from Daniel 1

My notes:

God is in control
Daniel 1
He said this is one of the most if not the most dramatic thing that has happened in this church (your accident)
forever changed from events of one moment
Israel and you (Hayden)-went from promising future to uncertainty and fear
How Daniel handled adversity
Trials in our lives
Why?
1.) God's Discipline
Why do bad things happen to good people? Question from an unbeliever accusing God of wrongdoing
There are no good people
Trying to serve the Lord, bad things happen
More than one purpose-lots of reasons
God is not acting casually
Time of reflection
To develop us, make us more Christlike
2.) Protect us from ourselves
Thorn in flesh
God is too good to allow us to be destroyed by ourselves
To humble us
3.) Cosmic warfare that we can't see
God/Satan/Job
Daniel-discipline
To correct us
Israel refused to turn from idolatry
Hebrews 12
Concept of discipline is hard to understand
Whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth
Severity-scourged
He scourges His own
He loves us
Need to remember that He loves us
Fail to deal with sin in our lives
Discipline to lead us in right direction
Stern rebuke from the Word
To get out attention
Careful in application-don't know for sure if God is disciplining
God's in control-know good God is controlling all things
v.2 God gave the gifts/talents/abilities
God working out plan through people, even bad people
To save much people alive
Tend to blame someone or something-"if only's"
God in control of all of mundane details of life
At-fault
Even if meant for evil, God meant it for good
(Ended at 28:00)

Picked back up next day:
God controls everything
God's reward
v.3
Shadrach, Meshach, Abendago and Daniel
everyone remembers Chaldean names except Daniel's
named same amount of times
promote them and trains up in own kingdom-creates great loyalty
names represent Babylonian gods
problem with eating food-kosher issue?
didn't want to defile with food or drink/idolatry
fellowship with idolatry
intent of promotion is to corrupt them
try to conform us-do not love the world
worldliness-how we think about life
getting things more important than spiritual things
i.e. child's education more important than spiritual education
(I was just talking to kids about this how I felt bad that I couldn't give you guys more things. This really isn't important and that's what they were trying to tell me)
buy into that-joining with them
we are fundamentally different than the world
world's pressures-give in to it
not just kids deal with peer pressure
back to Daniel-eating the food was the law
refuse food-could give up governmental position
God won't let you miss out on what's really important if you choose Him first
"nobody will know"
bitter at God because of trials
giving into world's pressures-what areas?
pulse to eat, water to drink
(when I tried to type "eat" I typed "wart" which reminded me of your wart)
Daniel-resistant
purposed in heart to do what's right
Daniel gave witness to God
we will be opposed-still stand
v.15 their countenance appeared fairer and fatter in flesh
Romans 10:11 do not be ashamed
God will always come through
The world is full of tragedy
Conclusion: spiritual things in our lives-have they remained unmoved?
pray for God to work in our hearts
finding things not pleasing in our lives

My conclusion: I felt funny reading this at first like he was saying that God was disciplining us through your accident. I realized though that's not what he was saying but it never hurts to examine our lives when something like this causes us to reflect. After all, nobody's perfect. Love you sweet boy! Just had a nice lunch with Nance in celebration of my birthday. I love her. She's not afraid to "go there" and talk about your accident, etc. She showed me the text that Jake sent her the day of your accident and she told how she was in the waiting room when the neurologist gave us the bad news. Praise God she was there!

Stories from the Quilts

Hello-I'm trying to write something to accompany your quilt square for Gift of Life. I was trying to look for samples online, but I couldn't find any, because it says to "describe your square." The square is just going to have your picture, name, dates and #haydenstrongforever, so that seems pretty self-explanatory. I would like to tell your story though, so I thought I would use the blog format because I am having trouble writing out my thoughts.

Even though Hayden was only 17 when he died, he made the decision himself to be an organ donor on his driver's license. Because he was under 18, it had to be approved by his parents, but we knew it was the right decision when we found out at the hospital that he wasn't going to survive the brain injury from his car accident. We knew that this was one of many ways that God could bring good out of this tragedy.
   It was a miracle that Hayden was even alive at the scene of the accident and that his torso was virtually untouched, protecting his organs. Hayden was a gifted athlete who took exceptional care of his body by working out every day and watching what he ate, so we are glad others have been able to benefit from that.
   Hayden was an amazing and wonderful person and we miss him terribly. What is getting us through this difficult time is that we know that he is Heaven right now and that we will see him again   someday because he trusted Christ as his Savior at a young age. Here is one of his favorite Bible verses from Romans 6:23:  "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
  
  

No Passing Zone

I had to go to the dumb Secretary of State today to renew my driver's license in person and I had to pass the accident scene to get there. While I was driving there I asked God for some answers or facts that could help me deal with everything better. When I got close to the scene, I noticed that it is a No Passing Zone for quite a while because of the hills, so I don't think you would have been trying to pass anyone on that road. It wasn't like it just changed before the hill or anything-it's very obvious that there is No Passing so that answers that question of if you were trying to pass someone.
   Some people think that maybe you swerved to hit a deer, but with all of the ditches on the side of Wagner Rd., I can't see a deer going down one and up one to cross the road and if it did, it wouldn't be going very fast. Any forests are way far from the road too, so I don't believe that theory either.
   I noticed that someone put some big Halloween cat on a stick near that turn-off by the speed limit sign. Sarah Law is a fan of cats and Halloween so I wonder if it was her. I know she and Diuble tried to put a white cross there a few times but it was removed at the base of the traffic sign. This cat was off to the side and further back so maybe it was less noticeable. I still don't like the stuffed animal thing because they get soggy and nasty. I also don't know how anyone can turn off there safely and park and not get hit themselves. Oh well.
   I took Wagner Rd. home too and almost the whole way home there was a tan Sable following me. Eight months today, sweet boy. Miss you so much!

Side note: At the Secretary of State, a standard question they ask is if you (not you, me) have had any fainting, blackouts or seizures. I just wanted to note that.

EMU

I was thinking of this today for some reason. What made me think of Eastern today? Maybe I'll think of it later.
   Anyway, I was thinking about how great they were with how they contacted us after your accident and offered their condolences (I now know how to spell this word). They also said not to worry about your enrollment, tuition issues, loans, etc. They took care of everything. They were wonderful. They even sent a Student Life representative to your service and we received letters and cards from them from other departments, including the president.
   Starting to get emotional about my next thoughts-trying to distract myself by trying to think of what made me think of EMU. I was looking at someone's obituary that my dad cut out to put in someone's file. It made me think of your obituary and then how it probably would be weird to have your obituary in the file. I then imagined when Jill had to submit the change to remove you and the Sable from the policy. She wasn't used to having to deal with all that stuff like I had to, like making calls, etc. At that point, that's when I thought of EMU, because they were on my list to call after your accident but thankfully they called us and took care of everything.
    I don't think I mentioned EMU in it (your obituary), but I know they were mentioned in the articles about you that you were planning on attending there. I was imagining them noticing your name and tracking you down in their records. All of their correspondence was so positive, like how much of an asset you would have been to the university. There was no way they could have known how great you were from your application, etc. so they learned all of that about you from the articles. You actually made them look good by how great you were and being affiliated with them. You did them a favor by deciding to go there-not the other way around. I just want you to know that. Love you!

  

Dramatic ending

I think of this often, and am afraid it's a little weird, but I think you would be or are okay with how your story ended here on earth. It's a tragic ending, but impactful, dramatic, etc.-everything that makes for a good film plot.
   I know you would've liked to have stayed here with your friends and us and muddled through this life together, but I have always had a sense that all is well with you. I remember asking you once why someone always died in your short films. You never really had an answer, but it does make the story more interesting. You never have to get fat (even though that's hard to imagine) or old or go through any struggles anymore. Even though you were taught to "Love the Struggle"! God had bigger things in mind for you and it sounds like you are doing them from what everyone says when you visit them in their dreams.
   Last night, Coach Katie honored you at the girls' water polo game by reading something about you and having a moment of silence before the first game. It was very nice. The team all had Hayden shirts on (like the ones Katie made right after your accident-the blue with "Saline Water Polo" on the front and your number and #haydenstrongforever on the back). I will have to record what she said-it's written in the program. I do remember the ending, though-she said, "Now let's all the play the game he loved." Miss and love you boy!

Old Accident

A lady called the office today about a claim, and she mentioned that she had to bring her son to urgent care. When I checked her file, the name matched up with a person in our file of old medical claims that are ongoing. I don't want to name names here, but the accident happened on 2-24-79.

I looked up the original claim, and the report said that he was traveling on Austin Rd. towards Saline when he lost control, crossed the center line and hit another vehicle head on. He was critically injured and his passenger was killed. When I checked his age at the time of the accident, he was 17.

17 in 1979-that was 37 years ago! This boy, now man, is still suffering from the injuries from that accident, not to mention the loss of his friend! He is now 54 years old. What kind of a life has he had? There are sketchy details about the nature of his injuries (I can snoop and check later if he had a brain injury or what) but there are scads and scads of medical payments since that time. Wow!

I have said in other posts, I know you wouldn't have wanted that kind of life, which is probably what you would have had if you lived. If God lined up our choices/your choices in front of us after the accident, even though your dying is very hard, what would the other options be like? Ongoing suffering and pain, endless medical treatments (even though they would all be covered by insurance, they would be ongoing), the list goes on and on.

I know I've talked about this before-it was just a good reminder and a real-life example of somebody who has experienced a different outcome of a similar accident. Love you boy!

Let Your Heart Shine

From #On Coming Alive series

Survival in the world we live in is a challenge for anyone. We each have our own journey to live. How we choose to live that journey sets us apart. My journey drastically changed when my 11-year-old son, Mason, was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer. My survival seemed impossible when Mason died 11 months later. Surviving the loss of a child, in my opinion, is the most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking experience one can survive.

When Mason was diagnosed, I knew the odds were against him but held on to the hope that he would be the one to survive. I prayed the treatment would rid his body of cancer and ultimately, God would heal him. God did heal Mason, only not in the way I prayed. God healed Mason in heaven instead of here with me. I held Mason in my arms as his last breath left his body, and his heart stopped beating. This happened six times over a three-hour period. This is brain cancer. I watched the pink color in his angelic face fade to blue and eventually white. I watched as the nurse placed a rolled up white towel under his chin to keep his mouth closed. I watched as the nurse prepared his beautiful blue eyes for donation, finally taping them closed to keep them moist. I gave him has last bath and rubbed lotion on his cold body. I sat with him, holding his hand, and played his favorite songs. I tried to drink in his smell, memorize his face, and feel how his hand felt in mine. I kissed him for the last time. I whispered I loved him to the moon and back and round and round and back again, and I would see him again someday. I walked out of the hospital without him. My world and my life would never be the same.

My heart was shattered and forever changed. I found that there is no greater pain or suffering than the loss of a child. The pain is still consuming as it crushes my heart and fills my lungs. How could I live without Mason? I didn't have the answers. I begged God to give me the strength and show me the way. Even though I don't have the ability to understand God's plan, I still must trust Him and know that His plan is more perfect than any I could have. Without my faith and God's promise of eternal life, I would be lost. His promise that I will see Mason again is my driving force. I am grateful to God for healing Mason. I know that he is free from suffering and only knows love and joy. I try to keep my focus, but some moments my broken heart needs a release. I allow myself to cry and feel the pain of missing Mason. I know that a piece of me died when Mason died, and I will never be the same, but I have also discovered that it's okay for me not to be the same. How could I be after losing my child? Two things are for sure, my spirit is not broken and my faith is not lost. My life may be divided into before Mason died and after, but love, not grief, is the connection between the two.

I don't want grief to define me just as I won't let cancer define Mason. He was so much more than cancer, and I want people to remember him for who he was, not what happened to him, especially his brother and sister. Mason was about love and life. Cancer may have taken his brain, but it could never take his kind heart and beautiful soul. (reminds me of you, Hayden). There is too much love for that. Love is how we survive. My love for Mason, his love for me, and our love for God is what keeps us connected between the sides of the veil. God will reunite us someday, and each day I survive is one day closer to Mason. So until that day, I will continue to live for Mason and show others that even through the grief of losing him, I found the light because of my love for him. The light in his heart will shine through mine.

Along with my faith, my family and friends have carried my heart...We are all forever changed, but I refuse to let them think that I stopped being their momma when Mason died. They deserve more. I want them to know how much they are loved every single day. I want them to know even though they are sad and miss Mason, they can honor and remember Mason by continuing his legacy of love. My friends, old and new, have loved and supported me more than I could ever ask. They are there to listen without offering advice. They are there to advise when I ask.

Through this process I have also found a support network through books and blogs. It's a huge comfort to hear how others have coped with their losses and have survived. I am so very thankful for these hearts that have shared their deepest grief and heartbreak with the rest of the world. I hope that through my story, I can help pull one person to the light and give them hope in their darkest despair.

-Monica Green

From Eagles' Wings

This is a song I came across in an email that Pastor sent to us the week after your accident. He gave us a link to youtube for it. Here it is:

From Eagles' Wings (from Isaiah 40:18-31; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Colossians 3:1-4)

When life's trials start to take their toll
And my strength is a smoldering flax
You say, my child, I am with thee still
and You bid me come to Thee

On eagles' wings

And Your strength I find
to continue in Your will and good fight
and I see Your Majesty

From eagles' wings!

Take My Word which shall be thy sword
to slay all your doubts and fears
And if I allow the worst to be
My strength shall carry thee

On eagles' wings

And by faith I rise
far above all calamity and strife
and I see all ETERNITY
from eagles' wings!
And I see Your Majesty
from eagles' wings!

By Unto The Chief Musician Music

(I highlight the "And" and "i" because the way the lyrics filled in on the screen, initially it spelled "Andi")

God Will Carry You Through notes by Max Lucado

This is a Hallmark version of his other book. It has a lot of the same stories but there are some extra things I'm finding along the way.

From "Cindy's Story":

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. (Isaiah 49:16)

Those who hope in me will not be disappointed. (Isaiah 49:23)

definition of faith:  confident obedience to God's Word despite the situation or consequences

C.S. Lewis quote (love him!):  "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience but shouts to us in our pain."

You will never go where God is not.

Bears repeating:  Don't equate the presence of God with a good mood or a pleasant temperament. God is near whether you are happy or not.
 
From "Dina's Story"

"But I have come to understand that (Hayden) belonged to God, not to me. And I believe that we have to trust that God does what is best for us. And also I see the God answered my prayer for (Hayden)'s healing by restoring his (little) body in heaven, which is a far better place than anywhere on this earth."

My favorite verse:  Those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Romans 8:18:  Whatever we may have to go through now is less than nothing compared to the magnificent future God has planned for us.

The story of the lady who "drew the line in the sand" is from this book

(Personal note: I think my line in the sand was that, despite all of the hardships in my life, that I wouldn't lose any of my children)

Have to give our whole lives to the Lord

God permits calamity in the world

God at times permits tragedies. But he doesn't allow evil to triumph. God promises to render beauty out of all things.

LOVE WON

Deep qualities of God:
1.  God is still sovereign. He still knows my name. (Daniel 12:1)
2.  Angels still respond to his call. (Psalm 91:11)
3.  The hearts of rulers still bend at his bidding. (Psalm 138:4)
4.  The death of Jesus still saves souls. (2 Corinthians 3:5-6)
5.  The Spirit of God still indwells saints. (Acts 2:38)
6.  Heaven is still only heartbeats away. (Matthew 4:17)
7.  The grave is still temporary housing. (John 5:28-29)
8.  God is still faithful. He is not caught off guard. (1 Corinthians 1:8-9)
9.  He uses everything for his glory and my ultimate good. (Romans 8:28)
10. He uses tragedy to accomplish his will, and his will is right, holy, and perfect. (2 Corinthians
      4:8-10)
11. Sorrow may come with the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
12. God bears fruit in the midst of affliction. (2 Corinthians 1:5-7)

Brain stem

Nance keeps bringing up your brain stem and thinks that the head supporter on the seat had something to do with your injury, like it was too low or something. I just wanted to record the word brain stem in case I learn more about that somewhere. Love you!

Dehydration

I just read over a claim of a young girl who was in a car accident in which she passed out and hit a pole. It was a pretty minor accident, but the claim notes said she passed out from dehydration. I don't how she knew that for sure unless they were able to determine that at the hospital.
   I looked up some of the symptoms of dehydration, and one of them was headaches which I knew you got a lot of. Another one was sleeplessness or tiredness. You were always drinking water though, but you exercised so much, I don't know. If I get any other information I will post it. Love you!

I Said/God Said

Aunt Jackie posted this today on Facebook. I don't agree with all of the grammar, but I will just record it as written:

I said, God I hurt
And God said, I know
I said, I cry a lot
And God said, That's why I gave you tears
I said, Life is so hard
And God said, That's why I gave you loved ones
I said, But my loved one died!
And God said, So did mine!
I said, It's such a great loss!
And God said, I saw mine nailed to a cross!
I said, But your loved one lives!!
And God said, So does yours!!
I said, Where is he now??
And God said, My Son is by My side and you son is in my arms!!

White Linen

I was looking at old emails because there was an email that Pastor sent out about a mild heart attack that Becky Banks had last night. Pastor asked that we pray that she be restored to good health. That made me curious as to how the emails were worded to the church family from your accident. There were a lot of emails that weren't even opened, like one from Steve Anderson and other correspondence between church members. It was actually a blessing to come upon those, like the audio of your baptism and a song that Pastor sent for us to listen to.
   Anyway, Pastor was reaching out to the orchestra members because they wanted to leave your seat alone the Sunday after the accident with something white on it (as opposed to something black) because of Revelation 19:8. Here is what that verse says:  And to her it was granted to be arrayed in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. (Revelation 19:8)

You'll Get Through This notes by Max Lucado

"You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime don't be foolish or naïve. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this."

story of Joseph

Your pit

Genesis 50:20:  As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.

In God's hands intended evil becomes eventual good.

Isaiah 43:2:  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.

"Let me be clear. You are a version of Joseph in your generation. You represent a challenge to Satan's plan. You carry something of God within you, something noble and holy, something the world needs-wisdom, kindness, mercy, skill. If Satan can neutralize you, he can mute your influence."

That was from Chapter 1  You'll Get Through This

Chapter 2   Down, Down, Down to Egypt

Life pulls us down

God has greater plans for me

You are God's child forever

2 Corinthians 5:1:  When this tent we live in--our body here on earth--is torn down, God will have a house in heaven for us to live in, a home he himself has made, which will last forever.

2 Timothy 2:12:  If we endure, we shall also reign with Him.

Romans 11:29:  God's gifts and God's call are under full warranty--never canceled, never rescinded

What do I have that I cannot lose?

earth is only a passing through and death is merely a rebirth

Chapter 3  Alone but Not All Alone

every parent's worst nightmare:  ambulance, ER, sobs and shock

You will never go where God is not

Make God's presence your passion

Lay claim to the nearness of God

You may lose the sense of God's presence-don't equate the presence of God with a good mood or a pleasant temperament

Cling to his character

Pray your pain out

Lean on God's people

We know what the bottom looks like, and we know who is waiting there--Jesus Christ.

Chapter 4  Stupid Won't Fix Stupid

one act of carnality is a poor exchange for a lifetime of lost legacy

Do what pleases God

Chapter 5   Oh, So This Is Boot Camp!

As long as Satan prowls around like a roaring lion, he will wreak havoc among God's people

Intended evil becomes ultimate good

Jeremiah 30:24:  The Lord shall not turn back until He has executed and accomplished the thoughts and intents of His mind.

In the Bible, a test is an external trial that purifies and prepares the heart

James 1:3-4:  For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

1 Peter 1:6:  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

This test will become your testimony

Rather than say, "God, why?" ask, "God, what?"

Chapter 6   Wait While God Works

This planet is God's waiting room

while you wait, God works

Be still and know that I am God

Waiting is a sustained effort to stay focused on God through prayer and belief

Isaiah 40:31:  Those who wait on the Lord
                       Shall renew their strength;
                       They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
                       They shall run and not be weary,
                       They shall walk and not faint.

Chapter 7  More Bounce Back Than Bozo

the clowns that you knock over and they come back up-braced by a lead weight

Our weight is a deep-seated, stabilizing belief in God's sovereignty

Chapter 8   Is God Still Good When Life Isn't?

Is God only good when the outcome is?

God never creates or parlays evil

He is sovereign

God permits it

It is the collective cooperation of the elements that creates good (reminds me of Rick Warren's example about how individual ingredients of cake don't taste good-only when they are all together)

We must let God define good

God redirects the energy of evil against its source

(I read this example before in another book-Christyn Taylor when she drew her line in the sand)

Can't do that-have to give our lives to the Lord

"A seemingly senseless death? Just look at the cross. He exacts nothing from us that he did not experience himself. Why? Because he is good."

What is coming will make sense of what is happening now

This is one millisecond compared to eternity

Chapter 9   A Splash of Gratitude With That Attitude, Please

God Made Me Forget-"Manasseh" (name of Joseph's first son)
God Made Me Fruitful-"Ephraim"

when Jesus healed the ten lepers and only one came back to thank Him
-too busy, too cautious, too self-centered, too arrogant

grateful heart sees each day as a gift

Gratitude gets us through the hard stuff

"Anyone can thank God for the light. Jesus teaches us to thank God for the night."

Chapter 10   Now, About Those Family Scandals and Scoundrels

Restoration matters to God

The healing of the heart involves the healing of the past

"Your family failed you. Your early years were hard ones. The people who should have cared for you didn't."

Romans 12:2:  Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.

Chapter 11   Revenge Feels Good, But Then...

Revenge builds a lonely house

God cares more about justice than we do-God will repay

story of Joseph's brother Judah-wake-up call

Vengeance is God's. He will repay-whether ultimately on the Day of Judgment or intermediately in this life.

Chapter 12   The Prince Is Your Brother

Jesus redefined his family to include all who come near him

story of Joseph and of Jesus very similar

"You will get through this. Not because you are strong but because your Brother is. Not because you are good but because your Brother is. Not because you are big but because your big Brother is the Prince, and he has a place prepared for you."

Chapter 13   Good-bye To Good-byes

"Death is the most difficult good-bye of all."

"We were not made to say good-bye."

The Great Day

One huge family reunion

Reference to Steven Curtis Chapman and Pastor Greg Laurie who told him, "Remember, your future with Maria is infinitely greater than your past with her."

"We bury dreams. But in heaven these dreams will come true."

Reference to Heaven Is for Real:  "Yeah, she said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven."

"Someone is saying the same words about you."

"Our final home will hear no good-byes."

Chapter 14   Keep Calm and Carry On

(This chapter starts with the story from the tract about 9/11 that I included in your thank you notes)

"God doesn't manufacture pain, but he certainly puts it to use."

"We can't always see what God is doing, but can't we assume he is up to something good?"

Make a plan

Chapter 15  Evil. God. Good.

"When God gets in the middle of life, evil becomes good."

"What Satan intends for evil, God uses for good."