Your energy

Don't use your energy to worry. Use your energy to believe.    -Anthony Gucciardi

Begging you

Always remember while she's begging you to do right, there's a man out there begging her to let him try.

So loyal

Never thought I would quote Cardi B...

When Cardi B said, "I gave you more than I gave myself. So loyal to you that I betrayed myself." I felt that.

Don't have to fight

I realized I don't have to fight for a place in people's lives. If someone values me, they will keep a place in their heart for me.

Sleeping

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression and helps you live longer.

Sometimes it's better

Sometimes it's better to just let things be, let people go, don't fight for closure, don't ask for explanations, don't chase answers and don't expect people to understand where you're coming from.

I hope

I hope you find someone who doesn't make you sad at night, someone who reminds you how much they love you every day, who laughs at your jokes and wants to listen to your music and genuinely wants to be with you and doesn't make you second guess their love for you.

Someday

From C.S. Lewis

Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.

Dear me

Dear me,
I am sorry...
I'm sorry that you tried so desperately to fix others, when your own hands were shaking. I'm sorry that I didn't give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else whilst your own were bleeding. I'm sorry that there were days when smiling hurt but you forced yourself to laugh so that no one had to worry about you. I'm sorry that you gave all of your time and effort to people that didn't give the same amount back. I'm sorry that there were nights when you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why. And I am so sorry that I did not love you, like you deserved to be loved.

Letter to myself.

At all

Sometimes it feels better not to talk. At all. About anything. To anyone.

Girls like you

People don't forget girls like you. They try. But they won't ever forget what your love felt like.

Complicit

By Rebecca Davis

If we must suffer

at the hands of evildoers,

let it be 

while we're standing against

the evil

and calling it for what it is.

Let it not be

while we're complicit,

pretending that evil is good.

Maybe it's time

Maybe it's time for the fighter to be fought for, for the holder to be held and for the lover to be loved.

Indestructible

Sometimes two 

people find each

other with both

broken foundations,

and they build

together as a team

to make a 

foundation that is

indestructible.

Right away

Pretty sure I've recorded this before...

Just because it doesn't happen right away doesn't mean it won't happen for you. Don't give up. Don't count yourself out. Don't feed the negative thoughts and fear that might pop up to make you doubt yourself. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep going. Your time is coming.

Provoke you

People will 

provoke you 

until they 

bring out your 

ugly side, then

play victim

when you go 

there.

Struggling too

When someone

helps you, and they are

struggling too, that's 

not help that's

love.

-Luis

Always

Always be kind.

If you see someone falling 

behind, walk beside them.

If someone is being ignored,

find a way to include them.

If someone has been 

knocked down, lift them up.

Always remind people

of their worth.

Be who you needed

when you were going

through hard times.

Just one small act of 

kindness could mean the 

world to someone.

Shout out

Shout out to everyone making progress that no one recognizes because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. You've been silently winning battles and transforming yourself, be proud of every step you're making in the right direction. Keep going because you got this.

My note:  God's "got this"

Takes

Death takes the body.
God takes the soul.
Our mind holds the memories.
Our heart keeps the love.
Our faith lets us know we will meet again.

15 seconds

For 15 seconds, let go of any expectations you have of yourself.

Used to getting hurt

When a girl is used to getting hurt, she won't know how it feels when a man starts to appreciate her, so she ends up pushing him away.

True or False?

Break up

When a man wants a break-up, he starts finding faults and complaining about everything.

When a woman wants a break-up, she stops complaining and let's you do your s....

Faithful

God has not called me to be successful. He called me to be faithful.

Your child forever

This was on 3 am thoughts. Encouraging...

Dear Lord,
As I come before you today
I humble myself to you and
your will for my life.
I am so thankful to be your child.
Thank you for always walking
with me holding my hand.
I love you more with
each passing day for you are
the air I breathe, my very life
depends on you Lord.
So here I am today just to say
Thanks and I love you,
Your child forever

Strong friendship

A strong friendship doesn't need daily conversation, doesn't always need togetherness, as long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part.

Sleep

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Glow differently

Women glow differently when they're loved right and treated properly...

Turn their back

The hardest pill I had to swallow in 2018 was learning that no matter how good you could be to somebody, no matter how much you love them, that they can and will turn their back on you and there's absolutely nothing you can do but suck it up and keep moving forward.

Credit

Never stop doing your best just because someone doesn't give you credit.

Masses

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the "m" is silent.

Blessed

Blessed are the weird people.
The poets and misfits
The artists, the writers and music makers
The dreamers and the outsiders
For they force us to
see the world differently.

Nothing

Love means nothing 

without action.

Trust means nothing

without proof. And

sorry means nothing

without change.

Toxic trait

My toxic trait?

I can have my heart ripped out, stomped 

on and shove down my throat and I'd

still be there for that person if they

needed me. 

Genius

By Robert Bly

Where a man's wound is, that is where his genius will be.

Survived

By Julian F. Fleron

The creative adult is the child who has survived.

Rejection

When someone rejects you 

for whatever reason, that rejection

reflects their wants, not your

limitations, you are in no way defined

by the rejection, or the acceptance, of

anyone else. Your worth depends on 

no one. And as hard as it can be to see

it as such, there is just as big a gift in 

not connecting, with those who don't 

see your value, as there is in 

uniting with those who do.

Want

I want somebody who wants to go out with me and wants to spend time with me and wants to go adventuring and wants to listen to me talk about my day and enjoys who I am and who I want to be and I'll be the exact same way for them. That's what I want right now.

Put aside

Sometimes you 

gotta put aside

what you feel for

them, and pay

attention to what

their actions are 

saying they feel 

for you.

Introverted

I used to think I was

introverted because I really

liked being alone but it turns

out I just like being at peace

and I am very extroverted

when I'm around people 

who bring me peace.

Tingly feeling

That tingly feeling you get when you first start talking to a guy is your common sense leaving your body.

Amazing

Isn't it amazing how God brings the right people into your life at the right time. People who support, love and pray for you, regardless of your circumstances.

Great harm

By Charles M. Blow

One doesn't have to operate

with great malice to do

great harm. The absence of

empathy and understanding

are sufficient. 

Your child

Your child is what will keep you holding on when everything else is falling apart.

Damage

Narcissistic abuse does terrible damage...

But the worst damage is done when you begin to believe it.

Recovery begins when you realize it was all a lie.

Crazy

You never realize how crazy you really are, until you start caring about somebody.

Wounded people

From Flying Free

What do wounded and traumatized people need at first? They need to be accepted - just the way they are. They need safety. They need time to let their mind catch up with exactly what happened to them. They need time to process and face the realities that are really theirs. They need to admit the truth, feel what they are really feeling, and be where they really are. They need to feel safe enough to unburden their hearts, in order to come to grips with whatever is going on inside of them and then be able to "get it off their chest."

Getting it off their chest involves admitting that it happened, describing what it was, feeling their feelings, counting their losses, expressing the pent-up emotions, and grieving those losses. They need a place where they can freely, openly vent and discharge the emotional voltage that built up as a result. Their soul needs time to truly resolve its inner conflicts and heal the wounds. By patiently helping them do this, you learn to bear one another's burdens, for real. You're not just dismissing another's distress with shallow, religious lip service. Quick fix cliches and religious, magical wand-waving merely prove that we really don't know what people need to deal with their distress, let alone teach them how to care for their hearts.

-Taken from The Ultimate Journey

Less of me

God I want less of me and more of you.

Nothing new

When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

Better plan

Sometimes we must accept that God has a better plan.

Deserve better

Sometimes God doesn't give you what you think you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

Remade

By Ursula K. LeGuin

Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made like bread; remade all the time, made new.

Y

Sent this to K

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday and the advice she gave me applied to most of us. We need to take the "y" out of our alphabet. Good advice but hard to swallow.

Real

She was real

that was 

the thing that

made her beautiful

Learned a lot

I've learned a lot this year.

I learned that things don't always

turn out the way you planned, or the

way you think they should. And I've

learned that there are things that

go wrong that don't always get fixed

or get put back together the way

they were before. I've learned that

some broken things stay broken, and 

I've learned that you can get through

bad times and keep looking for

better ones, as long as you have

people who love you.

So many

So many men think

women want money, cars and gifts.

But the right woman wants a man's

time, effort, passion, honesty, loyalty,

smile, and him choosing to put 

her as a priority.

Confidence

Confidence

is the ability to feel

beautiful, without

needing someone

to tell you.

-Mandy Hale

Clear

Let me be clear, my love
is unconditional, but
your presence in my life
is not. The moment that
you prove that your
value of me does not
measure up to my sense
of self-worth, I'll have no
problem unconditionally
loving the memory of
you and moving on.

A year ago

If you know me

based on who I was a 

year ago, you don't 

know me at all.

My growth game is strong.

Allow me to

reintroduce myself.

Greatest version

By Steve Maraboli

I find the best way

 to love someone is not 

to change them, but

 instead, help them 

reveal the greatest 

version of themselves.

Some doors

Some doors that God doesn't open for you is nothing more than divine protection. And others, the timing isn't right yet. Trust Him.

Before

BEFORE YOU DATE ME. You need to understand that I an DAMAGED, I get triggered easily, I have struggled with things, I won't talk to anyone, I'll shut you out, I'm not going to be able to trust you for a while because everyone has left, cheated, or chosen someone else.

Dangerously awesome

When you truly don't care what

anyone thinks of you, you have reached

a dangerously awesome level 

of freedom.

Don't settle

No pressure...

One day you're going to come across a man that will worship the ground you walk on. Do not stop until you find that man. He will love and cherish every inch of you (personality, body, mind, etc.)  and he will do everything in his power not to lose you. Don't settle for half-a.. men.

Thankful

I am thankful for 

nights that turned into mornings, 

friends that turned into family, 

and dreams that turned into reality.

Stop thinking

Stop thinking so much. You're breaking your own heart.

Lose yourself

Stop chasing after people and being the only one trying to fix everything. It's mentally and physically exhausting. You have to find peace with whoever comes and goes from your life. Don't be the only one putting in effort because you will lose yourself trying to save someone else.

Loud/quiet

Never assume that 

loud is strong,

and

quiet is weak.

Best thing

Someday, someone is 

going to look at you like you 

are the best thing in the 

world.

18 year old kid

To the 18 year old kid I stopped on SR 10,

You're welcome. I'd like to believe that you were minutes away from creating an unspeakable Christmas tragedy when I stopped you. If not only killing yourself, you were well on your way to killing some innocent person who was minding their own business doing nothing else wrong but being in front of you.

You said you didn't realize how fast you were going. That's a lie. You may not realize when you're doing 45 in a 35 but you are fully aware of every mile per hour at 100. You realize it with every bump you hit. You realize it as you pass cars so fast the wind moves your car. You realize it every time you drift over the line and when you move the wheel the car reacts a lot quicker than you're used to. You absolutely realized it.

You were scared when I stopped you. You were visibly shaking and breathing hard. Unfortunately, you were scared one minute too late and for the wrong reason. You should have been scared that you were trying to kill yourself. I know you're invincible. I know that you can't even fathom your own death.

I can tell you dozens of stories of dead and broken 18-year-old bodies that I've pulled from cars. Broken bodies that I've found in front yards after crashes. Unrecognizable bodies. They thought they were invincible too. They weren't. They were gone so they missed the part where I had to tell their parents that they were dead. Part of your soul disappears every time you have to tell parents that their kid is dead.

I don't KNOW your parents, but I know them. I know that when you leave every day they say, "Be careful. Drive safe." Those aren't just words. That is the very last act of them pleading with you to come home safe. When they get a knock on the door, it's not, "Good afternoon, ma'am. Your 18-year-old son just had a massive heart attack."  It's, "Can we sit down? Your son has been involved in a very serious crash. I'm so sorry. He's died." When you leave the house they know that, far and away, the best chance you have of dying that day is in that car. Sometimes you're the innocent person hit by someone with no regard for anyone else. Today you were the latter.

You seemed like a really nice kid who made a bad decision. I don't feel bad about this ticket at all. In fact, I'm proud of it. I hope you're paying it off for months and with every payment you think about how it wasn't worth it. I hope you slow down. I hope that when your mom tells you to "drive safe" you make a promise to her, and yourself, that you will. I hope you can envision me sitting in your kitchen telling your screaming mother that you have been killed.

Slow down. Please. You are not invincible. I promise.

Stop fighting

She said -
The best thing I did was learn to stop fighting for someone who was ok with losing me.

Four candles

Four Candles

The first candle represents our grief.
The pain of losing you is intense.
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

This second candle represents our courage,
To confront our sorrow, to comfort each other,
To change our lives.

This third candle we light in your memory.
For the times we laughed. The times we cried.
The times we were angry with each other.
The silly things you did. The caring and joy you gave us.

This fourth candle we light for our love.
We light the candle that your light will always shine.
As we think of you each day and share you
memory with our family and friends.

We cherish the special place
in our hearts that will
always be reserved for you.

We thank you for the gift
your living brought to
each of us. We love you.

We remember you.

Fights

From Sarah McDugal

I once asked a very successful woman to share her secret. She smiled and said to me:

I started succeeding when I started leaving small fights for small fighters.
I stopped fighting those who gossiped about me...
I stopped fighting with my in-laws...
I stopped fighting for attention...
I stopped fighting to meet people's expectations of me...
I stopped fighting for my rights with inconsiderate people...
I stopped fighting to please everyone...
I stopped fighting to prove they were wrong about me...
I left such fights for those who have nothing else to fight...

And I started fighting for
my vision,
my dreams,
ideas and
destiny.

The day I gave up on small fights is the day I started becoming successful and so much more content.

Some fights are not worth your time...
Choose what you fight for wisely.

(Credit: Dana Ives)?

Dear everyone

From  Flying Free

Dear everyone: Civics 101
Rule one - you don't need your pastor's or your elder's permission to report a crime to the proper authorities.

Rule two - this rule applies even when the crime takes place on church property.

Rule three - rule one applies even when the perpetrator is a member, volunteer, staff, or pastor of your church.

Rule four - Rule one applies even if the criminal is your spouse.

Rule five - rule one applies even if you haven't "followed the steps of Matthew 18." Matthew 18 isn't about criminal activity.

When crimes are committed, it is never a violation of mercy or biblical law to report those crimes to the proper authorities.

Hope this is helpful.
P.S. - anyone who tells you otherwise most likely has something to hide. When that is the case, remember what Paul said:
Romans 13:3-4
For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath upon the one who practices evil.

If your church leaders are afraid of the state, maybe it is time to ask why...

All I want

From Flying Free

I can't stand your religious meetings.
I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
your pretentious slogans and goals.
I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,
your public relations and image making.
I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice - oceans of it.
I want fairness - rivers of it.
That's what I want. That's all I want.

Amos 5:21-24
The Message

Likes you

If a man likes you, he will move mountains to be with you. He will call you, text you, let you know how important you are to him. You will never have to wonder when he is going to call, he will call more than he texts, he will call you beautiful or pretty instead of sexy or hot. He will tell you you are his world and do anything to let you know that and see that. Actions speak louder than words and his words will follow his actions. Anything less - it's b.s. and time to move the h. on.

Never apologize

Never apologize

for how much love

you have to give.

Just feel sorry 

for those who didn't

want any of it.

Stay on purpose

When you stay on purpose and refuse to be discouraged by fear, you align with infinite self, in which all possibilities exist.

The truth is

The truth is, none of us are easy to date, deal with, or please all the time. We have our vices, attitudes, and way of doing things that make us unique. You won't like everything about somebody, it's impossible. This is life, and it isn't about finding the perfect person, there's no such thing. It isn't about living some happily-ever-after fairy tale. It's about finding someone you're willing to work for, and who is willing to work for you. It's simple, but yet so hard to achieve.

One day someone will

Pretty sure I've recorded this multiple times

One day someone will

walk into your life and get it

right where everyone else got it

wrong. One day you won't have to

wait for a call or a text back. One

day you won't be the only one

giving your all.

One day you'll finally meet

someone who wants to help you

grow in life. One day you'll finally

meet someone who isn't afraid to

give "love" another chance.

One day you'll finally meet

someone you can trust with

everything. One day you'll have

your best friend, your biggest

supporter and your teammate

all wrapped up into one person.

Look up

Sometimes I just look up, smile and say, "I know that was you. Thank you."

A good woman

A good woman doesn't want a Superman. She knows he doesn't exist. All she wants is a good man who can bring stability and consistency to her life. A man who understands her emotionally and whose presence can both calm her soul and light a fire in her spirit all at the same time. That's what she wants. That's what she needs.

Never stops

"It never stops hurting, does it?"

"What?"

"Giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else."

Silent

When a woman is silent, she is either overthinking, mad as hell, falling apart, crying inside, or all of the above.

Meet someone

Sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that the two of you, on some level, belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you're in love or partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.

Love yourself

Love yourself enough to stop allowing others to mistreat you.

Try for us

Why do we try so hard for people who don't try for us

Princess

Thought that was cute

A lot of things change but not the fact that I'm a princess.

Everyone

From Toby Mac

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't let that be the reason you give up on somebody.

How to keep

How to keep a relationship"

Communicate. Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Leave the past to the past. Know that having arguments is normal. Know that you won't always be happy. Don't expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally.

Being real

Never apologize for saying what you feel.
That's like saying sorry for being real.

Native American Prayer

I give you this, one thought to keep,

I am with you still, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush...

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone ~

I am with you still, in each new dawn.

Train your mind

You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you'll lose yourself every time.

Good person

When you are a good person, you don't lose people. They lose you.

Purpose

At church this morning the pastor said something that stuck with me. He said, "Remember, no matter what you're going through, if God woke you up this morning, He's not finished with you. There's a purpose for your pain.

Rock bottom

From Toby Mac

Rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will.

Losing people

Don't be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.

Seashell heart

When I lean my ear against your seashell heart, I can hear an ocean of love roaring inside.
-John Mark Green

Fall

Fall in love with someone who wants you, who waits for you. Who understands you even in the madness; someone who helps you, and guides you, someone who is your support, your hope. Fall in love with someone who talks with you after a fight.

Love like that

The thought of this is so beautiful

Even after all this time, the Sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky.

Flourishes

From Flying Free

Why Abuse Flourishes in Some "Christian" Marriages (and Churches Too!)

My dad was complaining of stomach pain for several weeks. He went to the doctor several times before they finally realized what was really going on. He had lymphoma. Two years later, he was dead. I keep thinking of those months before he was diagnosed. Those painful months where different doctors kept misdiagnosing him with garden variety issues. All the while, an insidious cancer was growing silently and unseen in his abdomen - every day getting larger and stronger. It was the most critical time for it to be discovered, and yet that time came and went.

And then it was too late.

There is a cancer growing unseen and silent in the Church. It has embedded itself so strongly in the fabric of the church that many Christians believe it is part of the church itself. That without it, the church would be destroyed from the inside out.

But the opposite is true. This cancer is telling a lie about God (blaspheming), destroying the children of God, and creating a huge barrier in the spread of the gospel.

This cancer, like every cancer, is devilish and deadly.

When I was first waking up to the reality of my abusive first marriage, I still had no idea about the deep connection between my experience at home and what was being taught from the pulpit of my church. God would have to take me through some pretty severe fires before I could connect all those crazy dots.

But once I did, there was no going back. Once I could see it, I couldn't unsee it. I now strongly believe that any theology that teaches and promotes the power of one group of people (men) over another group of people (women)is contrary to the Word of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ. And the putrid fruit of power-over theology is the emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial abuse of vulnerable women and children.

In the past few decades, the evangelical church has divided into two general camps on this subject: complementarians and egalitarians.

Are you already checking out? Two big words. That's enough to make most of us glaze over and click away.

But that would be a mistake.

Because understanding those two big words and how they relate to your life is a critical part of your healing. Just like my dad couldn't get help for a cancer he didn't know he had, so we can't get help for something we don't understand.

I recently heard two sermons by Pastor Bryan Wilkerson of Grace Chapel in Massachusetts that spell out these two views and explain each view's biblical arguments for their perspective. It was such a succinct message, and I wanted to share it with everyone, but most folks are not going to take an hour to listen to two sermons online. So I decided to share his main points with you and link you to his sermons if you'd like the filled in version.

I promise to make this super simple. We are going to take an X-ray of the church and find out what's inside. Ready? Here we go.

WHO IS THE PATIENT?

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unit of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call - one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.   Ephesians 4:1-6

This is the church. The church is a unified family with a Father and brothers and sisters. We see here a healthy patient. A healthy church exemplifies humility, patience, love, unity, and hope. And God is our Father "over all." Do you see any indication that some of the siblings are to "power-over" the others based on gender, race, or socioeconomic status?

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."  Galatians 2:28

COMPLEMENTARIANISM SAYS:
"Men and women are created equal but are called to distinct and complementary roles in the church and the home with women in voluntary submission to the servant leadership of men. Women are free to teach and lead women and children but are restricted from authoritative teaching and leadership roles over men. In some environments women aren't allowed to lead in any way. In others they can have limited leadership under the unbrella of men."

Here's what complementarians would say about the following subjects. (Please note that there are only 5-6 passages of Scripture that have the potential to support a case for the power of men over women. And these verses are all difficult and historically debated passages.

WHAT ABOUT CREATION?
They focus on Genesis 2:7, 20-21:

-Adam was created first.
-Eve was formed from Adam.
-Eve was called Adam's "helper." (Ezer kenegdo is the Hebrew word used - and it doesn't mean "helper" in the English sense of the word, but we'll get to that in a minute.)

WHAT ABOUT THE FALL?
Eve was deceived and took over "leadership" by sinning first, and Adam sinned by relinquishing his leadership role and following her lead. (The "leadership role" idea is read into the text.)

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD TESTAMENT AND THE WOMEN WHO HELD LEADERSHIP ROLES?
These women are the exceptions that prove the rule (no women in leadership positions over men).

WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN WHO PLAYED ROLES IN THE LIFE OF CHRIST?
Jesus didn't choose any women to be disciples.

WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN WHO PLAYED LEADERSHIP ROLES IN THE EARLY CHURCH?
There are no examples of or instruction for a woman serving as an elder.

Teaching roles were informal and remedial rather than authoritative.

WHAT ABOUT GALATIANS 3:28 (SEE VERSE ABOVE)?
All believers share fully and equally in the blessings of salvation. But that is where the equality stops.

WHAT ABOUT 1 CORINTHIANS 11:3 "BUT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE HEAD OF EVERY MAN IS CHRIST, THE HEAD OF A WIFE IS HER HUSBAND, AND THE HEAD OF CHRIST IS GOD."
This is affirmation of a divine order in which men have authority over women.

WHAT ABOUT 1 TIMOTHY 2:12 "I DO NOT PERMIT A WOMAN TO TEACH OR TO HAVE AUTHORITY OVER A MAN, SHE MUST BE SILENT?"
This is a universal prohibition against women teaching or leading men.

Women are not qualified by virtue of their gender.

WHAT ABOUT 1 TIMOTHY 3:2 "NOW THE OVERSEER MUST BE ABOVE REPROACH, THE HUSBAND OF BUT ONE WIFE..."
Elders should be men.

EGALITARIANISM SAYS:
"Men and women are not only equal in creation, but in calling, and are free to exercise their God-given gifts in the church and the home in any role for which they are called and qualified in an attitude of mutual respect and submission.

Both men and women are free to serve in any capacity for which they are called and qualified, including senior teaching and leadership roles."

Here's what egalitarians would say about the following subjects.

WHAT ABOUT CREATION?
They focus on Genesis 1:27-28

-Both men and women reflect the divine image.
-Both share equally in the divine commission.
-There is no hierarchy explicit in Genesis 1 or 2.
-Helper (ezer kenegdo) means warrior and is a Hebrew word mostly used in the Old Testament to describe God and the strong ways He "helps" or "rescues" His people. It's a battle word. It is not the mamsy pamsy meaning of "helper" we have in the English language. Go "help" your mommy make breakfast." No. "She rescued her people using wisdom and strength." Yes.

WHAT ABOUT THE FALL?
Both Adam and Eve were equally deceived.

Eve wasn't qualified to lead in this particular instance NOT because she was a woman, but because she didn't receive the instructions from God. Adam did. (Egalitarians believe both men and women need to be qualified to lead. Their leadership is based on gifting and qualifications. Not gender.)

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD TESTAMENT AND THE WOMEN WHO HELD LEADERSHIP ROLES?
These women are the exceptions that prove there is no rule - God wouldn't have raised up gifted and qualified female leaders if it violated His vision for humanity - he could have just as easily only raised up male leaders.

WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN WHO PLAYED ROLES IN THE LIFE OF CHRIST?
Jesus stretched the culture as much as it would bear. To select female disciples would have been morally and culturally unacceptable.

He invited women to follow him, serve in his ministry, and be the first witnesses to his resurrection.

Jesus didn't choose any Gentiles to be His disciples either, but later on they figured into the growth and spread of the church.

WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN WHO PLAYED LEADERSHIP ROLES IN THE EARLY CHURCH?
The culture would not bear a woman in an elder role at that time in history. Paul doesn't call for the abolition of slavery either for the exact same reason - the culture could not tolerate that kind of sudden transformation. BUT...Paul lays down principles that would later lead to the abolition of slavery. Likewise, He laid down principles that would later lead to the full inclusion of both male and female in the leadership of the church and the spread of the gospel.

Women filled formative teaching and leadership roles - Lydia, Priscilla, Phoebe.

WHAT ABOUT GALATIANS 3:28 (SEE VERSE ABOVE)?
This verse abolishes all distinctions in the body of Christ based on race, social status, or gender.

WHAT ABOUT 1 CORINTHIANS 11:3 "BUT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE HEAD OF EVERY MAN IS CHRIST, THE HEAD OF A WIFE IS HER HUSBAND, AND THE HEAD OF CHRIST IS GOD."
This verse refers to husbands and wives (translation is wrong).

WHAT ABOUT 1 TIMOTHY 2:12 "I DO NOT PERMIT A WOMAN TO TEACH OR TO HAVE AUTHORITY OVER A MAN, SHE MUST BE SILENT?"
This is a situational prohibition (will get to this in a minute).

Unqualified people should not teach and have authority. But their lack of qualification should have nothing to do with their gender.

WHAT ABOUT 1 TIMOTHY 3:2 "NOW THE OVERSEER MUST BE ABOVE REPROACH, THE HUSBAND OF BUT ONE WIFE..."
Elders should be faithful and monogamous regardless of their gender. This is a principle, and it should be applied to the church back then which was born into a patriarchal culture. This is not a statement of what gender is qualified to be an elder for all of history.

JOURNEY FROM COMPLEMENTARIANISM TO EGALITARIANISM
In Pastor Wilkerson's second sermon, he tells the story of how he went from being a die-hard complementarian to having egalitarian views. It's a great story, and if you've got some time, I encourage you to hear the whole thing.

But if you want the short version, here are some things he noticed over the years that bothered him about the inconsistencies of complementarianism and how it played itself out in real life.

-He noticed women were allowed to lead and teach as missionaries overseas, but not here in the U.S. So women were allowed to teach Asian, African, and Latin American men - but not white men? That felt racist to him. (Because it is.)
-A female professor had a huge impact on his life. Why was she allowed to influence his life through her teaching as a professor, but not influence the lives of men and women as a teacher in a church setting?
-He realized that fellow female students with incredible gifts would never be able to use those gifts in the church of Jesus Christ.
-He served with women on the boards of several organizations and appreciated their wisdom and perspective. But these same women were not allowed to serve on church boards because they were female.
-Did it make sense to expect that only men could provide insight and leadership for a church that was half female?
-When he had a daughter of his own, he realized God could use her gifts in the secular world but never in the church.

As a complementarian he was afraid of what might happen if women were allowed to lead beside men in the Church of Jesus Christ.

Now he is afraid of what might happen if they don't.

He goes on to explain the THREE BIG FACTORS that changed his mind about all of this.

1. THE BIG PICTURE SCRIPTURE GIVES US
I actually write about this exact thing in my new book.

Complementarianism depends on a certain interpretation of a few isolated texts (see above). But Wilkerson points out that we need to interpret isolated texts in light of the WHOLE counsel of God - and difficult texts in light of clearer ones.

Throughout Scripture we see that God's vision for men and women is that they are created equally and share equally in His image and purpose for His creation. We are brothers and sisters. Not rivals. We are a partnership of equals. There is no power-over. There is no hierarchy.

Hierarchy is the curse in Genesis 3. It's a curse to be corrected, not a pattern to be followed. He goes into more detail here about how this looks as far as key women playing roles in God's redemptive plan, how Jesus affirmed, taught, and empowered women, how the Holy Spirit was given to both men and women at Pentecost, and how women helped lead the early church.

The trajectory of God's purpose in history is toward peace and unity of all people regardless of gender, race, or social status.

2. CONTEXT
The 3-5 texts used by complementarians to promote power over women SEEM to restrict women from teaching and leading. But as Wilkerson says, if we are going to tell HALF the church they can't use their leadership gifts, we better be reading those texts right.

We need to read them in the context from which they were written.

He takes the most difficult text, 1 Timothy 2, and examines it more closely.

Verse one: "I urge them, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgiving be made for everyone - for kings and all those in authority..."

Is God saying we should have kings? This verse was used in history to say that God ordained monarchy to be the proper form of government. But now we understand why it was written this way (because THEY HAD KINGS when this was written) - and we apply the principles today accordingly.

Verse eight: "I want men everywhere to lift holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing."

Does Paul only want men to pray? Why didn't he mention women? CONTEXT! Men were doing more arguing and fighting that praying, BUT we know from the whole Bible that God wants women to pray too. Also, this verse is not saying men need to lift up their hands when they pray. That's just how they did it back then. Get it?

Verse nine: "I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes..."

Do we wear jewelry? Clothes that cost a lot of money? CONTEXT! This verse means that we dress in moderation, and it applies to both men and women.

Verse eleven: "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

-But Paul permitted Priscilla to teach and even correct the preacher Apollos.
-In Corinth Paul taught that women could pray and prophesy in church.
-Paul told the church in Rome to honor Phoebe, a deacon, and Junia, an apostle.

So this verse contradicts other Scriptures. That means something must be going on in this particular context.

Here's what it was: there was a feminized, sexualized view of spirituality in Ephesus. They worshiped Diana. In this false teaching, women were superior to men spiritually. Also, in this culture, most women had no formal education or opportunities to lead. The Greek word used here for "authority" is the only time it's used in the New Testament. Outside the New Testament this word means a domineering kind of authority.

So the instruction here is that as new followers of Christ, women (under the influence of the religion there) should not usurp (grab for) authority over men.  They weren't qualified - not because of their gender, but because they had very few accepted opportunities to be trained.

So the principle we apply to the church today is that qualified teachers (regardless of gender) should not usurp their authority (grab for it) or misuse their masculinity or femininity when they teach.

Again, he goes into more detail in his message, and I encourage you to listen to it.

3. HISTORY OF THE CHURCH
Toward the very end he talks about all the women throughout the history of the church of Jesus Christ who have effectively led the church and spread the gospel. He points out that it is a relatively new development in this last century that the church has cut off women at the knees and placed them at a disadvantage.

"The evangelical community has an exceptionally substantial and sustained history of affirming women in public ministry...When evangelicals have prioritized the gospel and the Bible, this has often led them to affirm women in public ministry."
Timothy Larsen

So there you have it. The differences between two views of how men and women should relate as children of God. One view is power-over and the other view is unity and equality. Seems like a no-brainer to me, but I AM just a woman, after all.

May the church of Jesus Christ wake up to see how they have blasphemed God and stunted the growth of the church in exchange for power over other human beings. It is this very attitude and belief system that perpetuates abuse on women and causes the world to turn away from the Savior who loves them.

Supposed to

A man is supposed to come into a woman's life and take some pressure and problems off her hands, not come and cause them.

True friends

K posted this on FB last week

True friends are those rare people who come to find you in dark places and lead you back to the light.

Single too long

People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love, because they have become so used to being single, independent, and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life.

My note:  Here's to something extraordinary...

Not feel strong

You may not feel strong but in someone's eyes you are their comfort and strength.

Quiet

I hate when people ask me, "Why are you so quiet?" Because I am. That's how I function. I don't ask others, "Why are you so noisy? Why do you talk so much?" It's rude.

It's time

When God shows you it's time to let someone go and you refuse to, He will allow the person to hurt you to the point you have no choice but to let go.

Nothing

Nothing is sexier than a man who admits he wants you and does anything and everything he can, to have and to keep you...

Single people

By Keanu Reeves

Someone told me the other day that he felt bad for single people because they are lonely all the time. I told him that's not true. I'm single and I don't feel lonely. I take myself out to eat, I buy myself clothes. I have great times by myself. Once you know how to take care of yourself company becomes an option and not a necessity.

Break

Sometimes you need to take a break from everyone and spend time alone, to experience, appreciate, and love yourself.

Best thing

Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. The truth always comes out in the end.

Important

It's important to do what's best for you, whether people approve of it or not. This is your life. You know what's good for you, and remember, self-love takes strength.

Peace

From Toby Mac

Peace is gazing at the stars with the knowledge that you know their creator.

Harder

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

Same time

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hating socializing. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.

Beautiful thing

What a beautiful thing it is, to be able to stand tall and say, "I fell apart, and I survived."

Partner not a project

By Julia Roberts

Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men...It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him, or raise him. You want a partner not a project.

Narcissistic-types

From Flying Free 

A friend wrote:
I've been watching Les Carter, a counselor, on YouTube, talk about trying to have a relationship with the narcissistic-type person. He makes the point that a narcissistic-type person will not be honest about who they really are or what they really feel.

Everything they do is more transactional than relational, having objectives and goals in mind to accomplish. And their objectives and goals usually involve maintaining a certain persona and maintaining a certain amount of power and control in order to accomplish their objectives and goals.

They aren't listening or watching or interacting or connecting with people at a level of awareness or curiosity for everyone's identity and gifts and purposes, which they might cooperate with if they were "awake" to others.

A narcissistic-type person often likes and "loves", or dislikes and hates you according to whether or not and how much you will affirm and acquiesce to their persona and plans. They make life very unpleasant if you differ or disagree or delineate from them. You will likely be shamed or guilted or devalued or dismissed - in body language or direct words or slander behind your back.

You learn it is not emotionally or psychologically or physically or reputationally safe to be yourself, to share your thinking or feeling, or to act on these around an n-type person. You feel you often have to "hide" yourself for your own safety, or even for the safety of children or of others around you. This is a way an n-type person sometimes punishes you and makes you think twice about the cost to yourself or innocent others if you choose to stand in who you are and what you believe to be in Christ.

You pray for wisdom! You realize that hiding yourself, and being coerced into "smiling" and being "appreciative" and "grateful" and "reasonable" and going along with the narcissistic-type person damages your own and others' conscience and self-respect. And it enables and entitles a narcissistic-type person to go on self-deceived and/or disrespecting others.

Sometimes the mental and emotional stress of keeping self and others safe in heart and soul and body from a narcissistic-type person, causes the person around the n-type person just to disassociate fro their own real thoughts and feelings. They need a break from the weariness of the continual mental and emotional games and work necessary to keep "safe."

And, during this wearying work, you may have hoped or dared to search for some spark of enduring humanity in the narcissistic-type person, some human connection and sanity. They you get tricked by them only "mimicking" humanity! Time and behavior revealed they were working only to get what they wanted - not to really care about another who is made-in-the-image-of-God.

Long story short, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to live an up-front and honest life, a non-anxious, non-guarded, non-calculated life with a narcissistic-type person.

And this is heartbreaking for the people around an n-type person...and for the n-type person themself...so, if a person with narcissism has to feel to heal, maybe separation can crack the hard shell of pretense that years of trying to love and connect hasn't.

But whether separation helps an n-type or not, I think it may help to be able to live more honestly, in  a way where there is no need to stuff away feeling and ability to participate in a less encumbered way in sharing the Lord...or is it sometimes God's will to go down in flames right in a hard place with flying arrows and personality-twisting manipulations all around? Separation may not stop the attack of the enemy. It may increase attacks and hurt to others, and continue until death.

I confess, I imagine a freedom in separation from an n-type person...and it isn't just for righteous reasons...probably really dreaming of feeling free of the wearying mental work of always being guarded...and being free of being in an environment where a significant person doesn't even really know you or want to know you. But, still, they keep maintaining a superficial or shallow connection of "lunch dates" and talk about "deep topics" that still avoid personal-ness. It's insidious, covert craziness. Dreaming of freedom from it is torturous...for I fear freedom may not be really freedom, but would bring worse trouble for innocent ones.

Breaks your heart

Sometimes God breaks your heart to save your soul.

The vine

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

John 15:58
I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.

Never give up

Never give up, because you never know if the next try is going to be the one that works.

Pain

Pain changes people. It makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out.

Always love me

I asked God to send me a man who will always love me. So he gave me a son.

As good as you are

Don't treat people as bad as they are, treat them as good as you are.

Values you

A person who values you will never put themselves in a position to lose you.

Good things

Sometimes the reason good things are not happening to you is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people.

This job

This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.

Rather strugggle

She'd rather struggle than ask for help, because she's tired of empty promises and getting it thrown in her face. She deserves effort and loyalty without asking.

Skilled sailor

A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Biggest thief

Worrying is the biggest thief on the planet. It robs you of your peace, your joy, your sleep. Trust God and enter into His rest.

Overloves

Today I read something that said, "because someone who overthinks is also someone who overloves" and I couldn't agree more.

Live

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

John 11:25
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live."

Lost respect

Have you ever lost all respect for someone? Like you don't hate them, but you don't feel the need to associate yourself or say anything to them anymore?

Some people

Some people don't love you, they don't even care about you, they just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits...so they do the minimal...a little phone call here and there, just checking/thinking about ya. What they are really doing is maintaining a connection, so when they need you...they still have a way in.

A year from now

A year from now, everything you're stressing about won't mean a thing. Be thankful, smile more, spend more time with family and don't stress the small things. This is our once chance at life. Don't let anyone or anything take away your happiness.

Biggest lesson

The biggest lesson I learned this year is to not force anything: conversations, friendships, relationships, attention, love. Anything forced is just not worth fighting for, whatever flows flows, what crashes crashes. It is what it is.

Sickens

It sickens me that there are people who can make up so much lies about someone and make themselves look so innocent and they destroy someone's reputation all because they are jealous and pathetic and so many people believe them without finding out the truth.

Repeatedly

If you repeatedly have to tell someone the exact same thing about how you feel and nothing changes, they don't respect you.

Placed

By Toby Mac

God has placed you where you're at in this very moment for a reason. Remember that and trust He is working everything out.

Confidence

Confidence isn't walking into a room thinking you're better than everyone, it's walking in and not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.

You lose her

This Is How You Lose Her When She Wanted To Be Yours

You lose her when you stop paying attention to her. To her feelings. To the changes in her behavior. To the sadness in her eyes. To the things she's been subtly asking you to do but you've been oblivious to them all.

You lose her when you give her the feeling that her presence in your life is not important. That you're fine without her, that you don't need her in your life as much as she needs you. When you make her feel that spending time with her is an obligation and not something that will make your day better.

Still learning

From Rachel Wiley, Nothing is Okay

I am still learning how to ask for what I deserve without it also sounding like an apology.

Maybe

Maybe we just want somebody to see us without imagining a future without us.

-William Evans, Still Can't Do My Daughter's Hair

End of the day

At the end of the day,

I'm a good woman. I'm not

perfect by any means but my

intentions are good, my heart

is pure and I love hard with

everything I've got and because

of those things...I'm worth it.

Always have been and

always will be.

Done

Sometimes you just have to be done.
Not mad. Not upset.
Just done.

How you handle it

Yesterday someone said to me, "I would've never guessed you've been through what you have, you carry yourself so well," and that's when I realized, it's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it.

Way ahead

No matter how many mistakes
you make or how slow you progress,
you are still way ahead of
everyone who isn't trying.

Busy with her kingdom

Don't be a queen
waiting on a king
Be a queen busy with
her kingdom until
her king arrives

Everything shifts

By Toby Mac

When you replace
"Why is this happening to me"
with "What is He trying to teach me?"
Everything shifts.

Sit still

From Corrie Ten Boom

When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark,
you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.
You sit still and trust the engineer.

Didn't love her

You didn't love her

You just didn't want to be alone. Or

maybe, maybe she was just good for your

ego. Or, or maybe she made

you feel better about your miserable life,

but you didn't love her. Because you don't

destroy people you love.

-Grey's Anatomy

Never beg

Never beg for love.
Never beg someone to be with you.
Never beg someone to come back or stay.
Never beg for attention, commitment,
affection, time and effort.

You should never have to ask to feel wanted.
Begging is demanding and degrading.

If someone doesn't willingly give you
these things with their arms wide open,
they aren't worth it.

No one, under any circumstances,
is ever worth begging for.

Prosperity

Prosperity cannot be a proof of God's favor, since it is what the devil promises to those who worship him.  -John Piper

Life advice

Life advice: Always be the person you can be. Be kind even when you're tired. Be understanding even when you're angry. Do more than you're asked and don't ask for anything in return. Don't silently expect anything either. Listen when someone talks, stop just thinking of how you'll reply. Tell people that you love them and that you appreciate them. Go out of your way to do things for people. Be the greatest person you can possibly be and when you mess up, make up for it in the next moment or minute or day. One thing you should never do? Never spend your time trying to prove to anybody that you're great, your actions will speak for themselves and we only have limited time on this earth, don't waste it. If someone doesn't see your light, don't worry. Like moths, good people are attracted to flame and to light, and they will come.

It's time

It's time to just be happy. Being angry, sad and overthinking isn't worth it anymore. Just let things flow. Be positive.

Rise up

You can rise up from anything. You can completely recreate yourself. Nothing is permanent. You're not stuck. You have choices. You can think new thoughts. You can learn something new. You can create new habits. All that matter is that you decide today and never look back.

Got this

She's gonna forever say "I got this" even with tears in her eyes.

Owe myself

I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with stuff I don't deserve.

Better days

Better days are coming.

Smiling

A man that will go out of his way to keep you smiling is a gift. A lot of men want to make your body feel good, not many aim to make your soul feel good.

Ready

Repeat, but worth repeating

My mom once said to me,

I can tell you over and over to leave the situation, but you won't until you are ready. One day you will wake up and realize that this isn't what you want to feel like anymore and you'll be done. And I think it's important that everyone hears this.

Losing

I have always been afraid of losing people I love, but sometimes I keep asking myself, Is there anyone who's afraid of losing me too?

Someone who

Someone who has been mentally abused will:

-Constantly apologize
-Hide their feelings in fear of upsetting you
-Break down during small disagreements thinking it will explode
-Need a lot of reassurance

Please be patient, we are trying

Okayden

Saw this on FB the other day-obvious why I saved it:

Girls nowadays be like "I got 5 kids
Brayden Hayden Jayden Kayden & Zayden"
I be like Well Okayden

From you

Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy until you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you.

Keep

How to keep a man?

Being pretty won't keep a man,
sex won't keep a man,
a baby won't keep a man,
heck being a good woman barely keeps a man...
the only thing that'll keep a man
is a man that wants to be kept.

Pause

Practice the pause.
When in doubt, pause.
When angry, pause.
When tired, pause.
When stressed, pause.
And when you pause, pray.

Not that powerful

If you think you've blown God's plan for your life, rest in this.
You, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful.

Too scared

She's too scared to get close to anyone, because anyone that ever said, "I'll be there" left her with a broken heart.

For the sheep

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

John 10:14-15
I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. As the Father knows Me, even so I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep.

Good shepherd

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

John 10:7, 9-10
Jesus, the Good Shepherd
Then Jesus said to them again, "Most assuredly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

Inhibits

From Derek Prince

There's nothing that inhibits our faith more than the fear of looking foolish, isn't that right? A lot of times people will not move out in faith because they think, "I might look like a fool." But Moses was willing to look like a fool. He took this piece of wood, this tree trunk and threw it into the water with a splash. Everybody could see, everybody could hear. But the result was everybody could drink.

Storm

And once the storm is over,
you won't remember how you made
it through, how you managed to survive.
You won't even be sure, whether the storm
is really over.  But one thing is certain.
When you come out of the storm,
you won't be the same person who walked
in. That's what the storm is all about.

Best for you

You're going to make a lot of people mad when you start doing what's best for you.

With someone

From Faraway

Be with someone who loves you harder on the days you can't love yourself at all.

Your year

If you want 2019 to be your year:
Don't sit on the couch and wait for it. Go out. Make a change. Smile more. Be excited. Do new things. Throw away what you've been cluttering. Unfollow negative people on social media. Go to bed early. Wake up early. Be fierce. Don't gossip. Show more gratitude. Do things that challenge you.
Be brave.

Process

People never want to be part of the process, but they want to be part of the outcome.
The process is where you figure out who's worth being part of the outcome.

Don't

You are going to want to give up. Don't.

Good woman

A good woman will always be a good woman. That's why every guy she had wants her back.

Together

And so together, they built a life they loved.

New beginning

From Toby Mac

When God gives you a new beginning, it often starts with an ending.

Most beautiful

Falling in love with someone you had no intentions on falling for, is the most beautiful kind of love. No forcing chemistry, or trying to save them. Just a pure, raw connection that created on its own.

DNA

Pretty sure this is from Priscilla Shirer Bible Study book

Using your own grit and personal resolution to force changes in your behavior is not only exhausting to maintain but nearly always proves to be nothing more than a temporary fix. Inevitable relapses churn up into a never-ending cycle of disappointment, frustration, self-hatred, along with other unhealthy emotions. Lasting change - the kind that frees you to walk within rhythms of grace, fueled by the power of God - must stem from the inside, not the outside. Despite your sinful deficiencies, which each of us shares, trust yourself to His care and cooperate with Him in the ways He's instructed. The DNA is there. Trust Him to fashion your behaviors in the image of Christ.

Owning

From Brene Brown

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.

Defines you

From Toby Mac

Let the one who created you
be the one who defines you.

Courage

Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

The light

From Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

John 8:12
Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness but have the light of life."

Enduring mercy

Bible Gateway Verse of the Day

Psalm 136:1,26
Thanksgiving to God for His Enduring Mercy
Oh, give thanks to the Lord for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
Oh, give thanks to the God of heaven!
For His mercy endures forever.

Not afraid

By Louisa May Alcott

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.

Healthy

A healthy relationship doesn't drag you down. It inspires you to be better.  -Mandy Hale

Gambling

From Flying Free

Many irresponsible people, especially abusers, will say, "I've tried SO HARD," or "I've done everything I can possibly do" or whatever. Great emotional emphasis, pleading for sympathy and support for their 'efforts'.

But they're gambling.

You know what they are gambling? They are gambling that their manipulative emotional appeals will be accepted, not challenged. They are gambling that if they keep the conversation emotional, they can avoid the practical. If they can keep the conversation generic, they can avoid specifics.

Emotional generalities are powerful tools in the hands and mouth of a manipulator. Most people accept emotional generalities. It is easy for manipulators to distract most counselors from asking the important, confrontational questions. And it is usually easy to distract everyone so they don't notice that the manipulative person isn't really answering the important questions.

Another strategy is that manipulators fill up the air with their own talking. They do not leave space for the thoughts of others. This is conversation control and mind control.

They also keep the conversation at high speed, with no breaks. This keeps the interaction reactive, instead of responsive. They leave no time for deep and careful thinking.

It takes discernment, skill, patience, and self-control to deal with this. Again, most people don't even recognize what the irresponsible person is doing.

But when someone does recognize it, and calls it out, the abuser will either slink away or blow up.

One of the most important things to do is to cut through the emotionalism and to ask specific questions - then to insist on specific answers, with bulldog tenacity.

"You said that you 'tried so hard.' What exactly did you do?"

Watch the abuser flounder, panic and throw a fit when specific questions are directed at him."

Authentic selves

By Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse

Recovery from psychological abuse involves having the freedom to be our authentic selves, not some watered down versions so as not to offend the delicate senses of finicky abusers.

Too short

By Dr. Suess

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get the chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Anxiety attacks

This was helpful information. Unfortunately, I've experienced some of these forms

Anxiety attacks aren't always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth

Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:

-Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability
-Nit-pickiness (obsessive behavior, which may be a part of OCD), and even a hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change
-Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words
-Not talking at all
-Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming "zoned out"

Understanding the way our or other's anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help to calm the person faster and get them out of that state. These are just a few, but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come.

Justify

From Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse

Sometimes people will try to JUSTIFY TOXIC BEHAVIORS in a marriage or partnership by saying things such as, "All couples have problems."

Shifting

This sounds very familiar. Lisa R. shared it

Shifting
As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.

Smear campaign

Trying to defend against a narcissist's smear campaign is a waste of precious emotional energy that you will need. Do not try to sway their supporters into siding with you.

The narcissist has anticipated all that you might say and has already countered them by planting a very credible sounding rendition of the truth in their minds long before the relationship ended.

Ugly side

People will provoke you until they bring out your ugly side, then play victim when you go there.

Others feel

How you make others feel, says a lot about who you are.

The Suffering Wife

Posted on Flying Free FB page but from Feminine Firebrand

My Thoughts on the Glorification of the "Suffering Wife"

No matter which brand of theology we are talking about - whether we are talking about the theology of Lori Alexander or the theology of Pastor John Gray - one common thread that runs throughout much of the religious-system is the glorification of the "suffering wife."

Who or What is the Suffering Wife?

The suffering wife is sometimes propped up as the ideal wife that all women should aspire to be and emulate in marriage. She is considered to be spiritual and virtuous, mainly because of her willingness to silently and submissively endure a great deal of pain, cruelty, and mistreatment at the hands of her ungodly, immature, and sometimes adulterous, or even abusive husband.

The suffering wife is praised and commended, not for her faith in God, not for her positive character traits, or for her accomplishments, but for her ability to tolerate continual and unrepentant disrespect, deceit, serial adultery, abuse, abandonment, addiction, and irresponsibility.

Her femininity isn't defined be her femaleness, but by her level of sacrifice and subservience to her husband. If she is not willing to make herself a martyr for her marriage or for her husband, then according to some figures in the religious-system, she is not adhering to "Biblical womanhood" or being truly "feminine."

The happily married wife who is in a healthy marriage with a husband who loves her as Christ loves the Church is rarely glorified. Instead, the unhappily married suffering wife who is in a toxic marriage with a husband who mistreats her without repentance is glorified and held up as the example that women should follow. The Scriptures praise the Proverbs 31 woman who was in a healthy marriage with an honorable husband, but somehow, over time, the Proverbs 31 woman has
morphed into the suffering wife in a toxic marriage with a dishonorable husband. How did this happen?

Instead of preparing women for healthy marriages, women are being prepared for toxic marriages and subtly programmed to settle for highly dysfunctional relationships. Women are repeatedly told ahead of time that "marriage isn't about being happy" so that they don't expect their husbands to make them happy, but in contradiction to that, they are taught that women set the tone in the home and that it is a woman's responsibility to create a happy home and make her husband happy. So the suffering wife should not expect to have a happy marriage or for her husband to make her happy, but she is supposed to exhaust herself trying to make her husband happy even if he brings her agony and sorrow? This makes no sense and it is a double standard.

The concept of the suffering wife is dangerous because it is used to encourage women to stay with men who are abusive, adulterous, and/or abandon them and their children. Much harm has been done to women and children, because women were taught that their gender role is to endure inhumane, barbaric, dehumanizing mistreatment under the guise of "suffering for Christ," and that this makes them godly, spiritual, and virtuous.

The prudent wife who flees from harm or seeks a Biblical divorce from a husband who commits adultery, abuse, or abandonment without repentance, is rarely, if ever, glorified and praised or propped up as an example of the ideal wife. In fact, sometimes the prudent wife is seen as being rebellious, ungodly, worldly, disobedient, in-submissive and breaking the marriage covenant. Most of the time, the suffering wife is glorified and exalted as the wife who is obeying God's will. This kind of teaching might benefit ungodly husbands who expect to be served and submitted to unconditionally, but it doesn't benefit women and children.

Yes, we will suffer in this world, including in marriage - marriage is no bed of roses. But neither is marriage all about suffering and how much pain you can endure at the hands of your own husband. Your spouse will not make you happy all of the time, but neither should they cause you sorrow and grief most of the time either, and if they are, please know that it isn't normal and you need to talk about it with a trustworthy wise individual who can help you.

If you are the suffering wife, no amount of sermons and articles praising wives who endure on-going pain and cruelty will take away your depression, PTSD, disappointment, righteous indignation, or heal your broken heart. You need to seek professional help for the sake of your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, and for the sake of your children.

Yes, there are examples in Scripture of people suffering in marriage, but there are also examples of people in healthy marriages, so there needs to be more balance in what is being taught to women (and men) and the narrative needs to change. Teaching women to be suffering wives and not to expect to have healthy marriages with husbands who love them as Christ loves the Church is hardly a recipe for healthy women and healthy men who create strong loving stable marriages and healthy families.

C-PTSD

From Flying Free

Why Emotional and Spiritual Abuse Causes C-PTSD

Most of us have heard of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can occur when a person witnesses a terrifying or traumatic event such as a car accident, a murder, a fire, etc. But what about C-PTSD?

According to Wikipedia, complex-post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is "thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. C-PTSD is associated with sexual, emotional or physical abuse or neglect in childhood, intimate partner violence, victims of kidnapping and hostage situations, indentured servants, victims of slavery, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, victims of bullying, concentration camp survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations. Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such) can lead to C-PTSD-like symptoms, which include prolonged feelings of terror, worthlessness, helplessness, and deformation of one's identity and sense of self."

Think about a patriarchal (complementarian) marriage.

"Complementarians assign primary headship roles to men and support roles to women - based on their interpretation of certain biblical passages. One of the precepts of Complementarianism is that while women may assist in the decision-making process, the ultimate authority for the decision is the purview of the male in marriage, courtship, and in the polity of churches subscribing to this view."

By its definition, there is an uneven power dynamic in a complementarian marriage that is truly functioning according to complementarian rules and not egalitarian ideals (a school of thought that promotes equality for all regardless of gender).

Please note: there are some who CLAIM to be complementarian in their beliefs, and yet their marriages are functioning practically as egalitarian marriages. It's important to maintain consistency with reality, not just verbal head nods in one direction or another.

So when you have an uneven power dynamic in a marriage PLUS emotional abuse (and spiritual abuse if the husband or church are telling the woman she is at fault for pointing out the abuse) PLUS the teaching that divorce is wrong, and no matter what the "authority/husband" does to her, she is stuck in the marriage until she dies...

You've got all the ingredients for an emotionally and physically crippling case of C-PTSD.

How is this scenario any different from a prisoner of war? They are being brainwashed with controlling propaganda, held against their will and told it's good for them, put in a place of subservience with all their actions controlled by others, told their opinions are meaningless; their experiences rubbish, and dehumanized with no way out.

So the woman of faith in an emotionally abusive marriage has her freedom of thought, action, opinion, and choice stripped away. She is disrespected as a human being. Viewed as less-than by virtue of her lack of a particular body part.

Most of the abuse targets I work with have full blown cases of C-PTSD, and they are largely unaware of it. Many of you reading this live with the debilitating symptoms of C-PTSD every day of your lives. It's a killer. Here are some of them:

-Persistent anxiety and unrest
-Difficulty regulating emotions
-Difficulty in remembering events surrounding abusive "incidents"
-Reliving experiences (I call it looping) over and over in an effort to "solve" the problem
-Helplessness
-Paralysis of initiative
-Shame
-Guilt
-Self-blame
-A sense of being different from the rest of the human race
-Attributing total power to the perpetrator (they seem more powerful than they really are)
-Becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator
-A sense of alliance with the perpetrator and relief when buying into the perps' belief system
-Rationalizing the abuse
-Repeated desperate search for a rescuer - someone who will listen and validate their experiences - the feeling that unless someone believes them, it can't be true
-Repeated failure to protect themselves
-Loss of sustaining faith that borders on despair
-Disconnection that alternates with feelings of terror and confusion

They experience physical health problems as a result of all this emotional disregulation in their lives as well.

-Anxiety
-Depression
-Chronic fatigue syndrome
-Back and neck problems
-Chronic headaches
-Vision problems
-Nerve twitches
-Insomnia
-Gastrointestinal issues
-Heart palpitations
-Panic attacks
-Asthma
-Stress
-Immune system breakdown
-Endocrine system breakdow
-Unbalanced hormones
-Brain fog

Over a long period of time, their health can break down permanently, and this is why I continue to insist that emotional abuse is a covert kind of physical abuse rendered all the worse for the fact that it cannot be proven by the victim.

C-PTSD is NOT a personality disorder. But it occurs as a result of living with a personality disordered individual for a length of time. It can happen to anyone put in those circumstances regardless of their original personality, their strength, their intelligence, their skill set, their will to survive or problem-solve, and so forth.

Emotional and spiritual abuse is an epidemic in conservative Christian circles (as well as religions like Islam and Judaism) because of their misogynistic beliefs about women.

So what do we do about it?

1. We educate ourselves. We read and learn all we can about it. We listen to survivors. We examine our own beliefs about women and how they line up with how Christ viewed women. We figure out why it is that we think a body part makes some people "authority figures" over other people. We figure out where our faith traditions strayed from what the Bible teaches about humanity. Both men AND women.
2. We speak the truth out loud even though it makes people angry. We learn to tolerate the disapproval of men in order to gain the approval of our Heavenly Father. We see people as small, and we see God as BIG.
3.  If we are a survivor, we get help for ourselves. We don't wait for a rescuer. We grab hold of Jesus Christ, and we learn and grow strong. Strong enough to break free. We get therapy (not from a Biblical counselor who knows nothing about emotional abuse, but from a trained therapist who diagnoses C-PTSD). EMDR therapy is a proven therapy for sufferers of C-PTSD. We find a community of women that know the unique dynamic of abuse, especially in the context of faith.
4.  We tell our stories. We empathize with abuse targets. We call a spade a spade. We get out of our legalistic prisons and we find hope and freedom through Christ.

A twist

From Flying Free

A Twist on the Good Samaritan

The Good Non-Believer
There was once a Christian woman who got married. Shortly after her wedding day, she was attacked by her husband. He took her dignity and reputation, shamed her, blamed her, treated her like his property, and left her half-dead, along in her home.

Luckily, a small group leader from church was on her way down the same road of marriage, but when she saw the woman, she angled across to the other side muttering, "If she only had done things differently in her marriage, she wouldn't be in the mess she's in. She obviously didn't pay attention in Bible Study all those years. She should know that some women are called to suffer. She ought to count it all joy, but instead she is wallowing in self-pity. How selfish. What a spiritual mess." Whereupon she flung a Bible over her shoulder at the woman, hitting her in the head.

Then an elder from church showed up, but he also avoided the woman saying, "I've heard some concerning things about that woman from her husband. She's an angry gossip who doesn't respect him or submit to him properly. She makes up stories about him, trying to get him into trouble when he is as godly of a man as I've ever known. I've even heard she withholds her body from him, and his is so patient with her. He's the real victim, here. Look at her carry on. What a crazy fake. She stirs up discontent wherever she goes. She won't repent of her rebelliousness. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Maybe she'll just go away now." And he also hurled a Bible at her, hitting her in the heart.

A non-believer traveling the same road came upon the woman. When she saw the woman's condition, she stopped. She listened. She believed. She wept. Then she helped the woman to her feet and brought her to a secular counselor who told her that what she experienced was real, and her wounds were deep and would take time to heal. She helped her to see the lies that had kept her from growing up and becoming all that God intended her to be. The non-believers came together and paid for the therapy, and they helped her children, too.

What do you think? Which one was the real neighbor to the woman hurt by hidden abuse in her "Christian" home and church?

Everyone could see it was the unbeliever.

"Go and do the same."

This is what Jesus said. And those who know and love and follow him - will.

Holiday Season

From Flying Free

Divorced or Separated? Take These Four Truths Into Your Holiday Season

This wasn't what she wanted. To be that woman who tore down her home with her own two hands. Not in a million years did she dream she would be in this impossible position one day.

Holidays in the past had always been magical for her. The music, the smells, the lights, the energy in the atmosphere-but especially the family gatherings where everyone seemed to set their differences aside and enjoy one another. At least, it seemed that way to her. Maybe she had just idealized the whole thing. But whatever. She loved the season, and even more so after she had children.

Her greatest joy was to recreate that mysterious and joyous experience for them as they grew up. She decorated and baked and cooked. She organized Christmas caroling parties and cookie exchanges. They went to concerts and plays with holiday themes. This was the time for making family memories, and she took on her role with enthusiasm, warmth, and hope.

But now here she was. Sitting in a quiet house with the rubble of her existence pressing in on all sides, suffocating her in a loneliness so black and vast it took her breath away.

I recently asked my Facebook readers who were either divorced and separated what they dreaded the most about the upcoming holiday season. There were 74 comments at the time of this writing, and they fell into five main categories:

1. They grieved over not being with their children due to custody schedules.
2. They dreaded being isolated and alone.
3. They felt the sting of having little financial ability to purchase gifts for loved ones-especially children.
4. They dreaded spending time with extended family and dealing with the stigma and shame of being separated/divorced.
5. They grieved the loss of past traditions with an intact family and the dream of future family gatherings and celebrations.

These are heavy burdens. And putting them in black and white doesn't begin to do justice to the depth of the pain and the layers of complexity these women face in their corners of the world.

I can't take away this kind of pain, and I'm not going to try. But I'm well acquainted with it, so we will just plop down in the middle of the muck together and remember four things.

1.  THIS IS NOT THE END OF YOUR STORY.
In every story you've got a hero and a quest. You've also got a series of conflicts the hero has to overcome in order to achieve her goal. When you are staring at your Charlie Brown Christmas tree o a lonely night in December, remember who you are. You are a queen in the middle of your battle. Sometimes the most critical battles-the ones that ultimately win the war-are the most hidden. Unseen. Quiet. Fought alone. So lift your tear stained face and give your battle cry. There's a victory waiting for you in the next chapter.

Or as my sister wryly says, "This too shall pass...like a gallstone."

2.  YOU AREN'T IN THE WAR ZONE BY YOURSELF.
God never promised a life of lit up holidays strung together in a never-ending string of wonder. We've all learned by this point in our lives that life is a mixed bag of deep joy and happy surprise as well as loss and injustice and pain. When we were young and idealistic, we though if we did everything by the Book, our story would be problem free, and it would end with us on our death bed peacefully slipping away-surrounded by a hundred loved ones who would never forget us. Ever.

God doesn't promise that. And many of His most ardent soldiers and ambassadors throughout history never knew that kind of beginning, middle, or ending. What our Father does promise His daughters is to never, ever leave them alone. He promises that nothing will ever be able to separate us from Him. And that includes separation and divorce.

So when you are window shopping, and everyone is buying something but you, remember Who not only sees you but knows every stab of wistful longing. He is as close as the clouds of breath that swirl out of your mouth and disappear in the frozen atmosphere. Close your eyes and know His nearness and His love.

3.  IT'S WINTER, BUT ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE.
I remember the first two holiday seasons I was separated from my ex-husband. Actually, I don't really remember all that much other than searing pain. I had nine hurting children, and I didn't want them to hurt. I didn't want to be the one who initiated the end of a 25-year-long marriage I had poured my life blood into from day one. I couldn't see one good thing in that black pit.

C.S. Lewis wrote about a never-ending winter in which Christmas never came. How many times throughout history have people waited for God to come through. Waited for the long night to be over. Waited for the spring thaw. It comes. It takes forever, but just like an overdue baby...it comes.

"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again."
-C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

4.  YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SWING.
I went to Six Flags with my older kids one year, which was a huge sacrifice for me because I don't like amusement parks. I'm scared of heights, and I don't like rides all that much anymore. I promised myself and the kids that I would go on all the horrible, frightening rides with them. Every single one. And I did.

There was one ride in particular I was dreading. It was a huge swing that not only swung high, but it also swirled around and made loud swooshing noises. I decided to close my eyes, go into my brain, and surrender to all the invasive "feels" of that swing. I envisioned myself like a baby being held closely and swung and swirled by a giant human being. A safe one.

It was one of the most incredible feelings I've ever experienced. Instead of panic and anxiety, I felt calm and surrendered. I leaned into the movement and allowed it to carry me through time and space. And then it was over.

When I got off, I thought about my life and how terrifying it was at the time (I was still separated and contemplating divorce), and I realized I had no other choice but to close my eyes and let this horrible circumstance swing me out of my comfort zone and into something I couldn't comprehend. I also discovered that my Father had His arms around me. Like a child, all I had to do was close my eyes and swing.

But none of this takes the pain away.

There is no book or article or pill or food or friend or experience or drink or Bible verse that will take the pain away. Your loss is huge and heavy, and part of healing is walking through a dark maze of grief. It takes a long time, and just when you think you're almost out, you will bump into dead ends and have to circle back over paths you thought you were done with. But the only way out is through.

Making friends with grief is one of the most important things you'll ever do in life.

Grief will take you from a caterpillar to a butterfly and one day you will fly free.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."  1 Peter 5:10