Your Aunt Brenda did it again-Dad posted something about marriage, and unknowingly she defended me again.
Here's what he posted from Fierce Marriage:
A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you don't go and buy a new house, you change the lightbulb. -Unknown
What Brenda said (in two comments):
"I disagree. When a person is being physically and/or emotionally abused, there is no light bulb to change. That new house needs to be ran too. Women are abused daily and too many lose their life (murdered) because they thought they could fix the light bulb!"
"People need to be careful what they write because what is written can encourage someone to stay in a situation that is not safe or healthy."
In the meantime, Barbara W. (Dad's former secretary) added this:
"I'm thinking abuse might be considered as the house is on fire...in which case, you need to run to a new house."
And something else from cousin Melissa who just left her husband:
"Takes two people to change in a marriage sadly. Even if one has to hold the ladder sometimes, if they're not taking turns in each job and putting their all into it, then one person is always stuck changing the lightbulb while the other person doesn't care if they sit in the dark. That's how resentment grows..."
Monday, April 30, 2018
The humbled and exalted Christ
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
Philippians 2:5-8
The Humbled and Exalted Christ
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
Philippians 2:5-8
The Humbled and Exalted Christ
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
I know
From Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day
Job 19:25
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth.
Job 19:25
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth.
Tough question
I wanted to remember this conversation. It was on FB messenger from Saturday night.
K: Tough question...I will start out by apologizing for my lack of sensitivity. Here we go.........If I never introduced myself or reached out to Bill, would you both still be following the course you're currently on? I know you've said you both have had ongoing issues. Your blog clearly reflects it. What I'm saying is I don't want to be the reason for your divorce. Promise I will never broach the topic again.
Me: Oh my goodness, no! This "course" is long overdue. We even both tried to end it in the summer of 2016, but our pastor bullied us into not going through with it. That's so sweet and thoughtful of you to ask. Makes me like you even more.
Even if I end up alone, I know this is the right decision for me. If you want to discuss anything over the phone, give me a call.
I just feel bad if I've caused you any undue guilt or regret. You have done nothing wrong.
K: The sermon in Church this evening and the folks I'm at dinner with sorta made me think of my past relationship. Both sounding like my mother.
BTW - the summer of 2016 was prior to our first meeting (09.24.16)
Me: Sorry for break-just dropped Carter off at a friend's house. No offense, but I wouldn't do all this for anyone else except me and my kids.
K: Perfect!
K: Tough question...I will start out by apologizing for my lack of sensitivity. Here we go.........If I never introduced myself or reached out to Bill, would you both still be following the course you're currently on? I know you've said you both have had ongoing issues. Your blog clearly reflects it. What I'm saying is I don't want to be the reason for your divorce. Promise I will never broach the topic again.
Me: Oh my goodness, no! This "course" is long overdue. We even both tried to end it in the summer of 2016, but our pastor bullied us into not going through with it. That's so sweet and thoughtful of you to ask. Makes me like you even more.
Even if I end up alone, I know this is the right decision for me. If you want to discuss anything over the phone, give me a call.
I just feel bad if I've caused you any undue guilt or regret. You have done nothing wrong.
K: The sermon in Church this evening and the folks I'm at dinner with sorta made me think of my past relationship. Both sounding like my mother.
BTW - the summer of 2016 was prior to our first meeting (09.24.16)
Me: Sorry for break-just dropped Carter off at a friend's house. No offense, but I wouldn't do all this for anyone else except me and my kids.
K: Perfect!
Angels
Days of Praise was talking about angels the other day. Here's an excerpt that I liked.
Not only physical protections but also guidance and encouragement are angelic ministries. When a believer dies, angels translate his spirit to the Lord's presence (Luke 16:22; 2 Corinthians 5:8), and we can look forward to meeting them and thanking them personally as we come to understand better all their ministries on our behalf during our lifetimes.
Bible verses:
Luke 16:22: So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham's bosom. The rich man also died and was buried.
2 Corinthians 5:8: We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.
Pay attention
From Awakening People
Pay attention to whom your energy increases or decreases around, because that's the universe giving you a hint of who you should embrace or stray from.
Pay attention to whom your energy increases or decreases around, because that's the universe giving you a hint of who you should embrace or stray from.
A new chapter
You are the author of your own story. If you're stuck on the same page, remember that at any moment, you have the power to write a new chapter.
The key
From Toby Mac
Don't be afraid to share your story. It could be the key that unlocks someone else's prison.
Don't be afraid to share your story. It could be the key that unlocks someone else's prison.
The choice was hers
By Kathy Kinney
One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that, she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers.
One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that, she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers.
Replace the word love
Susan B. posted this. I find it interesting because I think I wrote a post about how Dad was NOT doing any of these.
My mom always told me to replace the word love (and "it" for that matter since it's referring back to "love") with my man's name and if it's not accurate he's not the one:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
My mom always told me to replace the word love (and "it" for that matter since it's referring back to "love") with my man's name and if it's not accurate he's not the one:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Gone on ahead
Saw a picture of a young man on some steps to Heaven with these words as the caption:
I've just gone ahead of you Mom. I'll see you when you get here.
I've just gone ahead of you Mom. I'll see you when you get here.
When everything changes
Timely message from Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
When Everything Changes
Are you on the eve of change? A new chapter? A new season? Heaven's message for you is clear: when everything else changes, God's presence never does. Your journey in the company of the Holdy Spirit, who "will teach you everything and will remind you of everything" he has told you (John 14:26). So, make friends with whatever's next.
Change is a part of life, and a necessary part of God's strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments. But, someone might ask, what about the tragic changes God permits? Some seasons make no sense. They do, however, if we see them from an eternal perspective. What makes no sense in this life will make perfect sense in the next. As Paul wrote, "These troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing" (2 Corinthians 4:17).
When Everything Changes
Are you on the eve of change? A new chapter? A new season? Heaven's message for you is clear: when everything else changes, God's presence never does. Your journey in the company of the Holdy Spirit, who "will teach you everything and will remind you of everything" he has told you (John 14:26). So, make friends with whatever's next.
Change is a part of life, and a necessary part of God's strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments. But, someone might ask, what about the tragic changes God permits? Some seasons make no sense. They do, however, if we see them from an eternal perspective. What makes no sense in this life will make perfect sense in the next. As Paul wrote, "These troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing" (2 Corinthians 4:17).
Friday, April 27, 2018
Don't feel bad
Surprisingly inspirational words (again) from Marcus...
Don't feel bad for making decisions that upset other people. You are not responsible for their happiness, you're responsible for yours.
Don't feel bad for making decisions that upset other people. You are not responsible for their happiness, you're responsible for yours.
Saying goodbye
Hope is going to be gone all weekend, and it was really hard to say good-bye to her.
I had the thought (in the Wendy's drive-thru line of course) of what if I had to say good-bye to you in person, like in your room like I did with Hope, knowing it was for the rest of my life and not just a weekend. The thought crushed me, and I almost thought I would have to go home right away. I pulled myself together to order though, but then the tears started rolling down my cheeks. Just then, it started to rain. It made me wonder if somebody (you) and/or Somebody (God) thought that was a sad thought too.
I had the thought (in the Wendy's drive-thru line of course) of what if I had to say good-bye to you in person, like in your room like I did with Hope, knowing it was for the rest of my life and not just a weekend. The thought crushed me, and I almost thought I would have to go home right away. I pulled myself together to order though, but then the tears started rolling down my cheeks. Just then, it started to rain. It made me wonder if somebody (you) and/or Somebody (God) thought that was a sad thought too.
Daily Quotes
Came across the page while trying to track down an article. Never found the article but came across some amazing quotes. Will keep them all together for now.
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. -Josephine Hart
There are more poems inside of you that paper can't handle. -Y.Z.
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. -Josephine Hart
There are more poems inside of you that paper can't handle. -Y.Z.
For a Star to be born
there is one thing that
must happen:
a gaseous nebula
must collapse.
So collapse.
Crumble.
This is not your destruction.
This is your birth.
-Zoe Skylar
Don't be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something better.
If you walked away from a toxic, negative, abusive, one-sided, low vibrational relationship or friendship-you won. -Lalal Delia
Stay away from people who can't take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.
Let them
Lisa R. sent this to me today.
Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you.
Their opinions aren't your problem.
You stay kind, committed to love
and free in your authenticity.
No matter what they do or say
don't you dare doubt your worth
or the beauty of your truth.
Just keep on shining
like you do.
In the storm
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
In The Storm
After Jesus' disciples fought a raging storm for nine cold hours, at about 4:00 AM the unspeakable happened. They spotted someone coming on the water. "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror. (Matthew 14:26). They didn't expect Jesus to come to them this way.
Neither do we. We expect him to come in the form of peaceful hymns on Easter Sundays or quiet retreats. We expect to find Jesus in morning devotionals and meditations. We never expect to see him in a divorce or a foreclosure. We never expect to see him in a storm. But it's in a storm that he does his finest work, for it is in storms that he has our keenest attention.
Jesus replied to the disciples' fear with an invitation worthy of inscription on every church cornerstone and residential archway, "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage, I am here!" (Matthew 14:27).
In The Storm
After Jesus' disciples fought a raging storm for nine cold hours, at about 4:00 AM the unspeakable happened. They spotted someone coming on the water. "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror. (Matthew 14:26). They didn't expect Jesus to come to them this way.
Neither do we. We expect him to come in the form of peaceful hymns on Easter Sundays or quiet retreats. We expect to find Jesus in morning devotionals and meditations. We never expect to see him in a divorce or a foreclosure. We never expect to see him in a storm. But it's in a storm that he does his finest work, for it is in storms that he has our keenest attention.
Jesus replied to the disciples' fear with an invitation worthy of inscription on every church cornerstone and residential archway, "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage, I am here!" (Matthew 14:27).
Stop being uneasy about your life
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
Stop Being Uneasy About Your Life
Worry has more questions than answers, more work than energy, and thinks often about giving up. There's not enough time, luck, credit, wisdom, or intelligence. We're running out of everything it seems, and so we worry. But worry doesn't work. You can dedicate a decade of anxious thoughts to the brevity of life, and not extend it by one minute. Worry accomplishes nothing.
God doesn't condemn legitimate concern for responsibilities but rather the continuous mind-set that dismisses God's presence. Destructive anxiety subtracts God from the future and tallies up the challenges of the day without entering God into the equation. Jesus gives us this challenge: "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the kingdom of God above all else and live righteously; and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:32-33).
Stop Being Uneasy About Your Life
Worry has more questions than answers, more work than energy, and thinks often about giving up. There's not enough time, luck, credit, wisdom, or intelligence. We're running out of everything it seems, and so we worry. But worry doesn't work. You can dedicate a decade of anxious thoughts to the brevity of life, and not extend it by one minute. Worry accomplishes nothing.
God doesn't condemn legitimate concern for responsibilities but rather the continuous mind-set that dismisses God's presence. Destructive anxiety subtracts God from the future and tallies up the challenges of the day without entering God into the equation. Jesus gives us this challenge: "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the kingdom of God above all else and live righteously; and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:32-33).
His perfect love
I have gotten behind on these for some reason. I can go back to this week, but not sure how to get further back.
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
His Perfect Love
Jesus loves us too much to leave us in doubt about his grace. His "perfect love expels all fear!" (1 John 4:18).
If God loved us with an imperfect love, we would have high cause to worry. Imperfect love keeps a list of sins and consults it often. God keeps no list of our wrongs. His love casts out fear because he casts out our sin. Tether your heart to this promise, and tighten the knot. Remember the words of John's epistle: "If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things" (1 John 3:20).
When you feel unforgiven, evict the feelings. Emotions don't get a vote. Go back to Scripture. God's Word holds rank over self-criticism and self-doubt. Do you know God's grace? Then you can love boldly and live robustly. Nothing fosters courage like a clear grasp of grace!
From Max Lucado's Daily Devotional
His Perfect Love
Jesus loves us too much to leave us in doubt about his grace. His "perfect love expels all fear!" (1 John 4:18).
If God loved us with an imperfect love, we would have high cause to worry. Imperfect love keeps a list of sins and consults it often. God keeps no list of our wrongs. His love casts out fear because he casts out our sin. Tether your heart to this promise, and tighten the knot. Remember the words of John's epistle: "If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things" (1 John 3:20).
When you feel unforgiven, evict the feelings. Emotions don't get a vote. Go back to Scripture. God's Word holds rank over self-criticism and self-doubt. Do you know God's grace? Then you can love boldly and live robustly. Nothing fosters courage like a clear grasp of grace!
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Don't settle
Another Tip of the Day
Delete the people that make you feel bad about yourself or your life, unfollow them, delete their numbers, erase their texts, find happier people, pet a dog, watch a silly movie, just try to forget about them. You're better off, remember your worth, and don't settle.
Delete the people that make you feel bad about yourself or your life, unfollow them, delete their numbers, erase their texts, find happier people, pet a dog, watch a silly movie, just try to forget about them. You're better off, remember your worth, and don't settle.
If they want to leave
Tip of the Day:
If they want to leave, let them. If
they push you away, go. You weren't
put on this earth to convince
anyone of your worth. You're here to
learn, create, flourish, live,
spread love and nourish. The ones
deserving of you will always make
you feel appreciated.
Grief over time
Lydia K. sent me this little video on FB. I found this fascinating.
How Does Grief Change Over Time?
from BBC Player
So the way I try to describe grief is: Imagine this is you. (She drew a circle in the video).
And everything about your life is contained within this circle.
This is you.
And when a bereavement happens, there isn't an area of your life that isn't affected by that grief.
It touches every part of you.
And what we used to think is that over time that became smaller and disappeared.
But the thinking now is that actually this stays the same but our life grows around it.
And we have lots of other things that happen in our lives now but this stays within us.
And on certain times, anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases whatever, you dip straight back into it. And then when that anniversary or whatever passes you remember this part of your life again.
I guess what I believe now is the this doesn't stay as dark and black inside forever.
And that somehow it changes shape and becomes a bit more fuzzy although it still remains there.
Question: So you don't move on you don't get over it?
No, you just learn to have it as part of your life
How Does Grief Change Over Time?
from BBC Player
So the way I try to describe grief is: Imagine this is you. (She drew a circle in the video).
And everything about your life is contained within this circle.
This is you.
And when a bereavement happens, there isn't an area of your life that isn't affected by that grief.
It touches every part of you.
And what we used to think is that over time that became smaller and disappeared.
But the thinking now is that actually this stays the same but our life grows around it.
And we have lots of other things that happen in our lives now but this stays within us.
And on certain times, anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases whatever, you dip straight back into it. And then when that anniversary or whatever passes you remember this part of your life again.
I guess what I believe now is the this doesn't stay as dark and black inside forever.
And that somehow it changes shape and becomes a bit more fuzzy although it still remains there.
Question: So you don't move on you don't get over it?
No, you just learn to have it as part of your life
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
All I want
From Sarah C.'s page
All I want to do is to make money,
be a great mother
and love a loyal man.
All I want to do is to make money,
be a great mother
and love a loyal man.
Provide
This might be Toby Mac.
God will always provide. It might just look different than what we had in mind.
God will always provide. It might just look different than what we had in mind.
Sin
A good reminder.
Sin will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go; it will keep you there longer than you ever intended to stay, and it will cost more than you ever expected to pay.
Sin will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go; it will keep you there longer than you ever intended to stay, and it will cost more than you ever expected to pay.
Fighting
On Sarah C's page probably
I was fighting to stay with someone who wasn't even fighting to keep me. -J.B.
I was fighting to stay with someone who wasn't even fighting to keep me. -J.B.
Masterpiece
Margi sent this to me the other day.
Just a
reminder that
you're whole
without someone else.
You're not a fraction.
You're a complete
masterpiece all by yourself.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
I know how this turns out
I'm writing something of my own for a change. This thought came to me yesterday, well actually last night at my birthday dinner.
I hate having my picture taken for many reasons-I often close my eyes, I don't look at the camera, I'm just not photogenic. I know this. I don't have a problem with the way I look or anything-I just have a problem with how I look in pictures with funny angles, weird lighting, etc. I avoid having my picture taken for this reason. I know how this turns out. Yet, people are always pressuring me to get my picture taken, which is understandable and necessary sometimes. That's fine and dandy.
What I don't appreciate, like last night, is when I do reluctantly agree to a picture and then someone gets on my case about how I always manage to close my eyes in every picture, or makes fun of me in general in a picture. I don't know why I always close my eyes-I'm a blinker, I guess? I warned everyone, yet I gave in anyway and then I get "in trouble" for the very thing I warned them about.
When I was talking to Hope about this on the way home, I told her it reminded me of volleyball. I super suck at volleyball. I know this. I'm ok with this. I avoid playing volleyball at all costs. Yet there have been times when a "friendly" game of it would start somewhere, like on a beach or at a family picnic, and people would ask me to play. I would tell them, "No I would rather not, I'm not very good at it." I know how this turns out. And then, they would go on to tell me it's just for fun and that nobody cares, etc. On the very few occasions, I have given in, things "change" and suddenly everyone is mad at me because I miss every ball that comes to me. Didn't I tell them that, yet they pressured me into it anyway? (By the way, this story also applies with bowling. Ok, and most other sports).
Another example is my piano playing. I'm not that great at it, performing anyway. I get really nervous and I screw up. I am ok with this. I just avoid playing in public. I know how this turns out. There have been times when I've been "encouraged" to play at church when we were low on piano players, for example. I've played mostly for the offertory (which is much better than trying to accompany someone or heaven-forbid, playing for hymn-singing) but I would get so nervous about it, I would almost make myself sick. Yet I played because there was a need at the time.
Of course, the comments came. "Why do your fingers stop playing in between notes sometimes?" (not sure what that even means). "You're getting better- a lot better than you used to be." Oh wow, thanks! You better believe that when some more piano players joined our church, I immediately took myself off of the music schedule.
Apply this to my marriage. I think I know what's going on in my own life. I think I know how things go with Bill. They don't go well. Even when I have "tried." I've tried for 22 years. I know how this turns out. Yet, people from the outside are still pressuring me to keep at it. They don't know how it really is. I know it doesn't work. He doesn't change. He doesn't care. I know this. I am done with it. People need to leave me alone about it, and I need to remember that.
I hate having my picture taken for many reasons-I often close my eyes, I don't look at the camera, I'm just not photogenic. I know this. I don't have a problem with the way I look or anything-I just have a problem with how I look in pictures with funny angles, weird lighting, etc. I avoid having my picture taken for this reason. I know how this turns out. Yet, people are always pressuring me to get my picture taken, which is understandable and necessary sometimes. That's fine and dandy.
What I don't appreciate, like last night, is when I do reluctantly agree to a picture and then someone gets on my case about how I always manage to close my eyes in every picture, or makes fun of me in general in a picture. I don't know why I always close my eyes-I'm a blinker, I guess? I warned everyone, yet I gave in anyway and then I get "in trouble" for the very thing I warned them about.
When I was talking to Hope about this on the way home, I told her it reminded me of volleyball. I super suck at volleyball. I know this. I'm ok with this. I avoid playing volleyball at all costs. Yet there have been times when a "friendly" game of it would start somewhere, like on a beach or at a family picnic, and people would ask me to play. I would tell them, "No I would rather not, I'm not very good at it." I know how this turns out. And then, they would go on to tell me it's just for fun and that nobody cares, etc. On the very few occasions, I have given in, things "change" and suddenly everyone is mad at me because I miss every ball that comes to me. Didn't I tell them that, yet they pressured me into it anyway? (By the way, this story also applies with bowling. Ok, and most other sports).
Another example is my piano playing. I'm not that great at it, performing anyway. I get really nervous and I screw up. I am ok with this. I just avoid playing in public. I know how this turns out. There have been times when I've been "encouraged" to play at church when we were low on piano players, for example. I've played mostly for the offertory (which is much better than trying to accompany someone or heaven-forbid, playing for hymn-singing) but I would get so nervous about it, I would almost make myself sick. Yet I played because there was a need at the time.
Of course, the comments came. "Why do your fingers stop playing in between notes sometimes?" (not sure what that even means). "You're getting better- a lot better than you used to be." Oh wow, thanks! You better believe that when some more piano players joined our church, I immediately took myself off of the music schedule.
Apply this to my marriage. I think I know what's going on in my own life. I think I know how things go with Bill. They don't go well. Even when I have "tried." I've tried for 22 years. I know how this turns out. Yet, people from the outside are still pressuring me to keep at it. They don't know how it really is. I know it doesn't work. He doesn't change. He doesn't care. I know this. I am done with it. People need to leave me alone about it, and I need to remember that.
Monday, April 23, 2018
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
I read this book a few months ago, but never took notes on it. I am re-reading it. It's a good reminder of why I am doing what I am doing. It's written by Leslie Vernick.
Submission
The issue of submission is a crossroads where Christians often get muddled. Does Bill have the right as her husband to dictate Teresa's phone use? Let's broaden it further. Does a husband have the right to control how his wife spends her free time, what she wears, the friends she chooses, how much time she spends with her family, what she buys, how she thinks, what she feels, the things she needs to work on or change, and ultimately who she should be? Is biblical headship synonymous with taking control over someone else and forcing her to comply when she resists? And, does biblical submission require a wife to always do what her husband says? Does it mean she has no choices of her own or can't ever say no without being labeled as rebellious or ungodly?
Remember, a healthy adult relationship includes the freedom to be you, to have your own individuality and personality, and to make choices. Bill certainly has the freedom to express his preferences and his feelings about wanting to spend time with Teresa without interruption, and even to ask her to limit her phone time when he is home. But Teresa (as an adult woman) must also have the freedom to choose to help her sister, express her own feelings, and be herself without fear of punishment or retribution from her husband. Even if Bill was disappointed in Teresa's choices, she has the right to make them. In a healthy marriage, when a couple faces a conflict of values or priorities, they talk it through, respecting each other's perspective.
Control
Most people who brainwash...use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner.
In other words, if you want control over someone, play mind games with her. Add emotional manipulation. Create confusion of what's real and what's true. Isolate her from others. Keep her up late, don't let her sleep, badger her until she gives in. Threaten to hurt her, her children, her pets, her possessions, her reputation. Tell her God is on your side. Degrade her, humiliate her, and enforce trivial demands. Refuse responsibility and instead blame, accuse, and attack. Control the money so she has no resources and is completely dependent on you for everything. And keep her ambivalent about leaving the marriage by periodically performing small acts of kindness. Bring home her favorite flowers, clean up the kitchen, or allow her to go out with her girlfriends. This will keep her grateful for your gestures, and she will try to make things better. It stokes her hope (fantasy) that someday things will be different.
The tactics to gain control over others are used by the military on prisoners of war and are so effective that religious cults use them to keep their members compliant. They should never be used in a marriage. They work at systematically destroying the personhood of the other, leaving her in a diminished capacity to resist, to break free, or to think clearly on her own.
When a woman starts to wake up from her dream of a loving marriage and realizes that she's trapped in a nightmare, she feels desperate. She often slides into a deep depression. But sooner or later, little by little, she must start to fight and claw her way free from her husband's oppressive control if she is going to survive. She now understands she's been captured, muzzled, restricted like a child, or buried alive, and she must fight for her physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health'
Once a woman starts to fight back, her rage and hurt often get expressed in sinful and destructive ways. She may appear irrational, ungodly, unstable, controlling, mean, and even a little crazy to those who don't know the whole story of what she's been through and what she lives with.
Deceit and Attack
When deceit and attack become a regular part of marital interactions, there is no clear communication, no resolution to the problem,and no healing. It's impossible to have a close, loving relationship with someone you can't trust, can't talk with, or who won't take a look at himself when he hurts you. Couples can sweep things under the rug only so long before one or the other starts tripping over the huge lump in the room.
Based on Him
If we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why Our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster.
Toxic
Toxic is impatient and unkind. Toxic is always envious and jealous. Toxic boasts and is self-glorifying. Toxic is arrogant and proud, self-centered and rude. Toxic easily loses its temper and keeps track of all offenses and holds a grudge. Toxic is thrilled when people look and feel stupid. Toxic loves a mistake because she can tell everyone of the error and replay it over and over. Toxic runs to evil, never protects others, and gives up on people and life easily. (Previous paragraph to this points out this is the opposite of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13).
Where Is God?
Leslie, I don't know what's happening to me. Every day I thank God that he's kept me sane in this web of chaos, anger, and deceit, but I'm starting to lose it. I'm having heart palpitations, I feel sick to my stomach, I can't think straight, and I'm scared, angry, and hurt all the time.
Despite my husband's lack of any type of remorse, I stand on the truth of God's Word and take my marital vows seriously! I don't want a divorce..BUT how much can one person take? I feel like I am going CRAZY! The more Christian wisdom I seek, the more confused I become.
I don't want to manipulate God's Word for my benefit or to relieve myself from this pain or journey. But surely God does not require that we live in this type of hell simply to remain faithful to our marriage vows, does he? Am I forever damned to this marriage?
I have sought much Christian guidance and, sad to say, it has been horribly ineffective and more damaging, which leads me back to the place where I started. I don't want to break the vow I made to God in this marriage, and yet I am trapped in a marriage that I am trying to survive while dying more every day. What is the answer?
Surely I am more to God than just a sacrificial lamb? I am very ashamed that this is my life and more deeply ashamed that I find myself in this predicament. I am not looking for an easy way out...I want out through the way of truth (whatever that looks like).But this darkness has become so dense I cannot find the light!
This woman's words echo the desperate cry of many Christian wives who feel trapped, hopeless, and helpless. They've prayed, they've pleaded, they've nagged, they've raged, they've repented, they've read Christian books, they've fasted, and they've gotten biblical counsel. They've done all they know to do-and more-to make their marriages better, but nothing changes. It is indeed a treacherous path to walk through, especially if we cannot find the light. As a lighthouse is to a lost sailor in a stormy sea, God and his Word provide that light for us to look at so that we can see clearly what's happening, who we are, what to do, and how we respond. The psalmist says, "For with you is the fountain of life;in your light we see light." (Psalm 36:9)
Perhaps you've been hurt by poor counsel, or misunderstood and maligned by church leaders for the stand you've taken. Maybe you think that God is more interested in preserving your marriage than the well being of you and your children, but that is not true. God values marriage, but he is also concerned for your safety and sanity in the midst of a destructive and/or dangerous marriage. The psalmist cried in the midst of being oppressed, "Guide my steps by your word, so I will not be overcome by evil" (Psalm 119:133).
As we seek God's help right now, it's very important to be anchored to some crucial truths from Scripture. It's easy for people to take a sentence from the Bible like "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16) and make a definitive statement about what to do in every circumstance. But I think it's wiser and more biblical to look at the whole picture of who God is and how he feels about situations like you are in. He also has things to say to you in the midst of your suffering to give you help and hope. To navigate through this darkness, it is important you know that God is not only for marriage, but he is for people, and for women. He is for you and loves you with an everlasting love. He does not ask you to be the sacrificial lamb; he already provided one. Jesus. Let him show you the way to walk through this darkness.
Not Unworthy
When you are rejected or unloved, disrespected or abused, it is awful and hurts you deeply, but it is not a statement about who you are. It doesn't mean you are unworthy of love or care any more than the rejection of Jesus meant he was unworthy of love and respect.
Walking
Walking in light and truth are important values of God. When you live with someone who prefers deceit and darkness and who twists and manipulates the truth, it can be very stressful, confusing, crazy, and damaging to you and your children's emotions, cognitions, and physical health.
**No one lives in your house with your spouse but you and your children.Therefore no one can fully see what you see or experience what you experience. No one knows how bad it hurts except you. People can tell you what they think you should do, but if you feel unsafe, please take the measures to get safe. If you feel like you are at the end of your rope or your ability to cope, ask for help. Even if everyone else thinks you are overreacting or stepping out of God's best, listen to your heart and gut and the Holy Spirit, and do what you need to do.**
Fantasy Wife
When destructive behaviors are a regular pattern in your marriage, understand this important truth: Your husband doesn't want a real wife who will reflect to him her pain when he hurts her or God's wisdom when she sees him making a foolish decision. What he demands is a fantasy wife, a blow-up punching bag wife who continues to bounce back with a smile even when he knocks her down. He wants a doll wife who always agrees, always acts nice, always smiles, and thinks he's wonderful all the time, no matter what he does or how he behaves. He wants a wife who loves to have sex with him whenever he's in the mood, regardless of how he treats her. He wants a wife who doesn't ask anything of him or hold him accountable for anything, yet allows him to do whatever he pleases. He wants a wife who will never upset him, never disagree with him, or never challenge him. He wants a wife who grants him amnesty whenever he messes up, never mentioning it again even if the same thing happens again and again. Trying harder to become the fantasy wife is not helpful to your husband or your marriage.
Headship
What Jesus taught was unheard of in Jewish culture. Hierarchy was well established even in the most intimate relationships Men dominated women, husbands their wives. Paul picked up Jesus' heart on the subject of headship in marriage when he wrote, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). The essence of biblical teaching on headship is that if you are the leader, your responsibility is to initiate and model servanthood before anyone else in the family does. As the leader, you're to show the way. You're to go first. When a leader (whether of a home, a church, or a nation) manipulates, threatens, or scares people into doing what he says or to get what he wants, know that he is not behaving as a biblical head, but rather as a bully. As Paul wrote, "Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly" (Colossians 3:19), and he describes love by saying, "It does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5).
More on Submission
In the same way, biblical submission can never be forced. It can only be done by the one who chooses to submit her (or his) will to another. When we voluntarily give our will to another or to God, it's called submission; when someone forces our will to be given, it is not biblical submission. The correct terms are intimidation, coercion, and bullying. Submission isn't necessarily agreement; it's yielding your will to another for a greater good.The good might be unity in the family (or body of Christ) or honoring and pleasing God.
Core Strength
Core strength isn't only necessary for our physical bodies. We need core strength to support our mental, spiritual, and emotional health as well. Right about now you realize that you have some difficult choices in front of you. Believe me, I know change is hard, and sometimes we're only motivated to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of making the change. You can choose to grow stronger through this destructive marriage or not, but if you choose to do nothing, you need to understand what it will cost you: your emotional, mental, and spiritual core will get weaker and weaker, caving inward until your entire personhood is out of alignment. Sacrificing yourself by allowing someone to sin against you to keep peace in your marriage is never a wise choice-not for you, not for your husband, nor for your marriage. God calls us to be biblical peacemakers, not peacekeepers or peace fakers.
Someone Sins
When someone repeatedly and seriously sins against us and not willing to look at what he's done and is not willing to change, it is not possible to have a warm or close or healthy relationship. Loving someone unconditionally is not synonymous with having an unconditional relationship with him. This is an important distinction. God says he loves us unconditionally (see Romans 5:8; 8:38-39), yet God does not have intimate fellowship with the person who will not see his sin and ask for his forgiveness. Jesus' conversations with the Pharisees regularly challenged their self-deception and pride. He did that so they would humble themselves, realize they were wrong, and be able to experience true fellowship with him (see Matthew 23). He loved the religious leaders unconditionally, but they did not enjoy a loving or close relationship. Jesus never pretended otherwise.
A marriage that has no boundaries or conditions is not psychologically healthy, nor is it spiritually sound. It enables your spouse to believe that the normal rules of life don't apply to him, and if he does something hurtful or sinful, he shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of relational fallout. That thinking is not biblical, healthy, or true. For the good of your spouse, your marriage, yourself, and your children, there are times you must make some tough choices. You must speak up, set boundaries, and when necessary implement consequences when your husband's behavior is destroying what God holds so precious-people, marriage, and family. Scripture warns, "He who conceals his sin does not prosper." (Proverbs 28:13)
"Yes," I said to Sharon. "Your husband desperately needs to see God's love, but he also desperately needs to see himself more truthfully so that he can wake up and ask God to help him make needed changes. You are not better, and God doesn't love you more than your husband. The problem is that your husband has been unwilling to admit to his part of the destruction. He's been unwilling to confess or take responsibility or get the help he needs to change his destructive ways. Instead, he's minimized, denied, lied, excused, rationalized, or blamed others-mostly you."
Confront Wisely
I would love to tell you to run to your pastor and church leadership for this kind of help, but, sadly, many women I've talked with have found conservative Christian churches give more support to their husbands than to them. Sometimes it's the idea of headship and submission that causes leadership to be wary of a woman who decides she must stand up against what's happening at home. She's seen as contentious, unruly, and lacking a gentle and quiet spirit; therefore, what she reports in her home is seen with suspicion or dismissed. Sometimes it's because her husband is a good liar and manipulator and has charmed the folks at church. He easily makes people believe he's the real victim of abuse, and his wife is exaggerating, lying, or just plain nuts. The last reason I find that pastors don't believe a woman is that by the time she finally reaches the end of her rope, she can't take it anymore. She's so fragile that she's seen as an emotional wreck. Or she's so angry, reactive, bitter, and unforgiving that she's seen as the provoker and cause of their marital problems. Either way, in these types of situations, her side of the story is suspect and her credibility is diminished.
Law of Consequences
Somehow people have gotten the idea that marriage voids God's law of consequences, except in the cases of adultery and perhaps physical abuse. Counselors and pastors often advise a wife that God calls her to suffer in her marriage while continuing to provide all the privileges and benefits of marriage regardless of how her husband treats her, provides for her, or violates their marital vows. This stance only reinforces the delusion of the destructive spouse who believes he can do as he pleases with no consequences. Marriage does not give someone "a get out of jail free" card that entitles a husband to lie, mistreat, ignore, be cruel, or crush his wife's God-given dignity. To believe otherwise is not to know the heart of God.
Come to Terms
**You must come to terms with the reality that whether you stay or whether you leave, there will be people who believe you made the wrong choice and will have no reservations telling you so. ** Jeanine told me, "I thought staying for my kids was a good idea, but now I see the damage it caused them. As adults, they are all either victims or abusers. The pattern has repeated. I wish I would have made a different choice."
(skipped a paragraph here on some statistics)
Yet leaving a destructive marriage is not pain free. It, too, has costs and consequences. Financially you may not be as well off. Your children will have to be in your spouse's care without your supervision during visitation. Depending on his propensity for retaliation and his financial resources, he can make your life miserable by repeatedly taking you to court regarding issues with the children. In addition, new challenges, such as living alone for the first time, finding a new church family, or starting a career in midlife, can be quite frightening for some women and may feel more stressful than figuring out how to stay with a destructive spouse.
Every woman in a destructive marriage must wrestle with what she believes God says to her about her situation. Circumstances vary, even in a destructive marriage. The Bible doesn't always tell us exactly what to do. The best way we can discern as finite, limited, sinful people is to read God's Word for ourselves, pray for God's wisdom, consult with people we respect, and walk humbly with God in this journey. The Bible tells us that "we will walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). We can't always see where we are going, but we still walk, trusting that God is leading and guiding us forward. Trusting God through this process is like traveling with my GPS. I have faith that it is going to take me where I need to go, even if I don't exactly know how...
One more thing you need to be aware of: whatever choices you make, whether you stay, whether you separate, or whether you divorce, be prepared for more suffering and grief ahead. Your decisions will bring challenges and criticism from those who think you're making the wrong choice. Your choices will bring opportunities for growth as well as temptations to sin. Knowing that these stumbling blocks and stepping stones are ahead of you will help you keep your eyes open so that you can be more vigilant over your heart and mind as you wrestle through some tough decisions.
Is Divorce Ever a Biblical Option?
When the Pharisees asked Jesus why Moses allowed divorce, Jesus told them that from the beginning that was not God's intent. God designed marriage to be a lifetime relationship. Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to people's hard hearts. God's ideal for marriage hasn't changed. He still wants it to be a lifetime relationship, but hard hearts still cause serious wounds to people and relationships. There are times it is just not wise or safe to stay married if the destructive person has not had a change of heart. They would have too much power to continue to hurt you.
(skipped a paragraph with an example)
When I'm working with someone considering divorce, my role as a coach or counselor is to listen carefully, to help clarify what's really going on, and to help a person get healthy and strong enough to make wise and biblical decisions on how she is going to handle her situation. Divorce is the last resort when efforts to reconcile and bring true peace in the marriage have repeatedly failed.
However, for some women, divorce might be the best choice because of her and her children's safety and sanity. I've already shared stories from women who wished they would not have stayed married for the children. They see their adult children living out the same destructive patterns that they witnessed as children. How they wish it could have been different.
Amnesty
Sometimes destructive individuals expect amnesty once they say they're sorry for what they've done. They believe that sorry means no more consequences, no extra effort, and that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe their words of repentance automatically restore trust and repair relationship wounds. But words are not enough. Words can be deceptive (see Jeremiah 7:4). A heart that is changed shows it.
Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make
(I wish Pastor could read this)
1. Making the Wrong Diagnosis or Implementing the Wrong Treatment Plan
When my mother became ill with a nagging cough, her doctor diagnosed it as bronchitis and prescribed antibiotics. Week after week she made no improvement. He changed antibiotics a few times and added an inhaler for asthma. She got worse. It was only after an emergency trip to the hospital that we discovered that she did not have bronchitis after all, she had lung cancer.
If you are working with a couple, and despite your best efforts, they are getting sicker and sicker, it's time to reevaluate the diagnosis. Antibiotics are great for someone with bronchitis but impotent to treat cancer. In the same way, traditional Christian marriage counseling or coaching is impotent to tackle the problem of a couple who have a cancerous marriage, and it may actually make things worse. Review...to understand the dynamics and destructive patterns of this type of relationship. Joint counseling is never appropriate if there are safety concerns.
2. Encouraging the Wife to Try Harder
As we've already seen in chapter 6, the reason this doesn't work is that it colludes with the husband's delusion that he's entitled to a fantasy wife, and it continues to foster the lie that she is responsible for his moods, attitudes, emotions, and behavior. A wife is often the first person to seek our help. If her husband joins her, he is usually there to hear what she's going to say about him, not because he sees himself as part of the problem. When we focus on her wrongdoing (which isn't difficult to find if you're looking for it), this reinforces her husband's misbelief that if only she would change, he would be fine and everything would be better.
3. Not Prioritizing Safety and Sanity
We (as the professional or helper) and our client can sometimes be so against divorce and separation and so anxious for restoration and reconciliation that we all collude to collapse the required steps necessary for genuine healing to take place. It's important that we not minimize the work during the safety and sanity stages, since these stages lay the foundation for genuine healing. These first two stages typically last a minimum of six months and at times much longer, even with weekly care.
Whenever a doctor diagnoses a patient with cancer, he or she recommends a treatment protocol that provides the best possible outcome. If the patient disagrees with what the doctor recommends or prefers to receive chemotherapy only once a month instead of weekly, the doctor would inform the patient that the treatment protocol calls for weekly chemotherapy and that less than that will not tackle the cancer. In the same way, we must be firm on what's required to restore broken and destructive marriages. Compromising the plan for restoration gives false hope.
4. Becoming a Benevolent Rescuer
There are times as people helpers we fear for a woman's safety and sanity. She seems perpetually stuck and incapable of acting wisely on her own behalf. In those moments, it is tempting to take charge and tell her what she must do. This is a mistake. Our role is not to fix or rescue her but rather to teach her how to make wise choices for her and her children. If she's been married to a controlling man, she has been robbed of her decision-making freedom, and she will naturally defer to us to make decisions for her. Our role is to empower her to reclaim her ability to make choices and to learn to make the hard decisions she needs to make.
5. Not Insisting on the Fruits of Repentance Before Initiating Reconciliation
It is tempting to encourage reconciliation once we see a husband begin to own his problems and want to change. We're encouraged that his eyes have been opened and change is taking place. Yet as we learned in chapters..., a change of heart is still a long way from a change in habit. We want to see evidence of repentance in attitudes and actions over time and don't want this couple to fall back into repeating their old destructive history, which will happen if new habits aren't in place.
Individuals and couples seeking help for their destructive marriage are often looking for a quick fix. They can also be very challenging, especially because progress can be so slow. Be sure to get plenty of your own support as well in case consultation is needed. These situations require great wisdom and a strong commitment to stay the course for true healing and restoration.
Submission
The issue of submission is a crossroads where Christians often get muddled. Does Bill have the right as her husband to dictate Teresa's phone use? Let's broaden it further. Does a husband have the right to control how his wife spends her free time, what she wears, the friends she chooses, how much time she spends with her family, what she buys, how she thinks, what she feels, the things she needs to work on or change, and ultimately who she should be? Is biblical headship synonymous with taking control over someone else and forcing her to comply when she resists? And, does biblical submission require a wife to always do what her husband says? Does it mean she has no choices of her own or can't ever say no without being labeled as rebellious or ungodly?
Remember, a healthy adult relationship includes the freedom to be you, to have your own individuality and personality, and to make choices. Bill certainly has the freedom to express his preferences and his feelings about wanting to spend time with Teresa without interruption, and even to ask her to limit her phone time when he is home. But Teresa (as an adult woman) must also have the freedom to choose to help her sister, express her own feelings, and be herself without fear of punishment or retribution from her husband. Even if Bill was disappointed in Teresa's choices, she has the right to make them. In a healthy marriage, when a couple faces a conflict of values or priorities, they talk it through, respecting each other's perspective.
Control
Most people who brainwash...use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner.
In other words, if you want control over someone, play mind games with her. Add emotional manipulation. Create confusion of what's real and what's true. Isolate her from others. Keep her up late, don't let her sleep, badger her until she gives in. Threaten to hurt her, her children, her pets, her possessions, her reputation. Tell her God is on your side. Degrade her, humiliate her, and enforce trivial demands. Refuse responsibility and instead blame, accuse, and attack. Control the money so she has no resources and is completely dependent on you for everything. And keep her ambivalent about leaving the marriage by periodically performing small acts of kindness. Bring home her favorite flowers, clean up the kitchen, or allow her to go out with her girlfriends. This will keep her grateful for your gestures, and she will try to make things better. It stokes her hope (fantasy) that someday things will be different.
The tactics to gain control over others are used by the military on prisoners of war and are so effective that religious cults use them to keep their members compliant. They should never be used in a marriage. They work at systematically destroying the personhood of the other, leaving her in a diminished capacity to resist, to break free, or to think clearly on her own.
When a woman starts to wake up from her dream of a loving marriage and realizes that she's trapped in a nightmare, she feels desperate. She often slides into a deep depression. But sooner or later, little by little, she must start to fight and claw her way free from her husband's oppressive control if she is going to survive. She now understands she's been captured, muzzled, restricted like a child, or buried alive, and she must fight for her physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health'
Once a woman starts to fight back, her rage and hurt often get expressed in sinful and destructive ways. She may appear irrational, ungodly, unstable, controlling, mean, and even a little crazy to those who don't know the whole story of what she's been through and what she lives with.
Deceit and Attack
When deceit and attack become a regular part of marital interactions, there is no clear communication, no resolution to the problem,and no healing. It's impossible to have a close, loving relationship with someone you can't trust, can't talk with, or who won't take a look at himself when he hurts you. Couples can sweep things under the rug only so long before one or the other starts tripping over the huge lump in the room.
Based on Him
If we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why Our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster.
Toxic
Toxic is impatient and unkind. Toxic is always envious and jealous. Toxic boasts and is self-glorifying. Toxic is arrogant and proud, self-centered and rude. Toxic easily loses its temper and keeps track of all offenses and holds a grudge. Toxic is thrilled when people look and feel stupid. Toxic loves a mistake because she can tell everyone of the error and replay it over and over. Toxic runs to evil, never protects others, and gives up on people and life easily. (Previous paragraph to this points out this is the opposite of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13).
Where Is God?
Leslie, I don't know what's happening to me. Every day I thank God that he's kept me sane in this web of chaos, anger, and deceit, but I'm starting to lose it. I'm having heart palpitations, I feel sick to my stomach, I can't think straight, and I'm scared, angry, and hurt all the time.
Despite my husband's lack of any type of remorse, I stand on the truth of God's Word and take my marital vows seriously! I don't want a divorce..BUT how much can one person take? I feel like I am going CRAZY! The more Christian wisdom I seek, the more confused I become.
I don't want to manipulate God's Word for my benefit or to relieve myself from this pain or journey. But surely God does not require that we live in this type of hell simply to remain faithful to our marriage vows, does he? Am I forever damned to this marriage?
I have sought much Christian guidance and, sad to say, it has been horribly ineffective and more damaging, which leads me back to the place where I started. I don't want to break the vow I made to God in this marriage, and yet I am trapped in a marriage that I am trying to survive while dying more every day. What is the answer?
Surely I am more to God than just a sacrificial lamb? I am very ashamed that this is my life and more deeply ashamed that I find myself in this predicament. I am not looking for an easy way out...I want out through the way of truth (whatever that looks like).But this darkness has become so dense I cannot find the light!
This woman's words echo the desperate cry of many Christian wives who feel trapped, hopeless, and helpless. They've prayed, they've pleaded, they've nagged, they've raged, they've repented, they've read Christian books, they've fasted, and they've gotten biblical counsel. They've done all they know to do-and more-to make their marriages better, but nothing changes. It is indeed a treacherous path to walk through, especially if we cannot find the light. As a lighthouse is to a lost sailor in a stormy sea, God and his Word provide that light for us to look at so that we can see clearly what's happening, who we are, what to do, and how we respond. The psalmist says, "For with you is the fountain of life;in your light we see light." (Psalm 36:9)
Perhaps you've been hurt by poor counsel, or misunderstood and maligned by church leaders for the stand you've taken. Maybe you think that God is more interested in preserving your marriage than the well being of you and your children, but that is not true. God values marriage, but he is also concerned for your safety and sanity in the midst of a destructive and/or dangerous marriage. The psalmist cried in the midst of being oppressed, "Guide my steps by your word, so I will not be overcome by evil" (Psalm 119:133).
As we seek God's help right now, it's very important to be anchored to some crucial truths from Scripture. It's easy for people to take a sentence from the Bible like "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16) and make a definitive statement about what to do in every circumstance. But I think it's wiser and more biblical to look at the whole picture of who God is and how he feels about situations like you are in. He also has things to say to you in the midst of your suffering to give you help and hope. To navigate through this darkness, it is important you know that God is not only for marriage, but he is for people, and for women. He is for you and loves you with an everlasting love. He does not ask you to be the sacrificial lamb; he already provided one. Jesus. Let him show you the way to walk through this darkness.
Not Unworthy
When you are rejected or unloved, disrespected or abused, it is awful and hurts you deeply, but it is not a statement about who you are. It doesn't mean you are unworthy of love or care any more than the rejection of Jesus meant he was unworthy of love and respect.
Walking
Walking in light and truth are important values of God. When you live with someone who prefers deceit and darkness and who twists and manipulates the truth, it can be very stressful, confusing, crazy, and damaging to you and your children's emotions, cognitions, and physical health.
**No one lives in your house with your spouse but you and your children.Therefore no one can fully see what you see or experience what you experience. No one knows how bad it hurts except you. People can tell you what they think you should do, but if you feel unsafe, please take the measures to get safe. If you feel like you are at the end of your rope or your ability to cope, ask for help. Even if everyone else thinks you are overreacting or stepping out of God's best, listen to your heart and gut and the Holy Spirit, and do what you need to do.**
Fantasy Wife
When destructive behaviors are a regular pattern in your marriage, understand this important truth: Your husband doesn't want a real wife who will reflect to him her pain when he hurts her or God's wisdom when she sees him making a foolish decision. What he demands is a fantasy wife, a blow-up punching bag wife who continues to bounce back with a smile even when he knocks her down. He wants a doll wife who always agrees, always acts nice, always smiles, and thinks he's wonderful all the time, no matter what he does or how he behaves. He wants a wife who loves to have sex with him whenever he's in the mood, regardless of how he treats her. He wants a wife who doesn't ask anything of him or hold him accountable for anything, yet allows him to do whatever he pleases. He wants a wife who will never upset him, never disagree with him, or never challenge him. He wants a wife who grants him amnesty whenever he messes up, never mentioning it again even if the same thing happens again and again. Trying harder to become the fantasy wife is not helpful to your husband or your marriage.
Headship
What Jesus taught was unheard of in Jewish culture. Hierarchy was well established even in the most intimate relationships Men dominated women, husbands their wives. Paul picked up Jesus' heart on the subject of headship in marriage when he wrote, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). The essence of biblical teaching on headship is that if you are the leader, your responsibility is to initiate and model servanthood before anyone else in the family does. As the leader, you're to show the way. You're to go first. When a leader (whether of a home, a church, or a nation) manipulates, threatens, or scares people into doing what he says or to get what he wants, know that he is not behaving as a biblical head, but rather as a bully. As Paul wrote, "Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly" (Colossians 3:19), and he describes love by saying, "It does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5).
More on Submission
In the same way, biblical submission can never be forced. It can only be done by the one who chooses to submit her (or his) will to another. When we voluntarily give our will to another or to God, it's called submission; when someone forces our will to be given, it is not biblical submission. The correct terms are intimidation, coercion, and bullying. Submission isn't necessarily agreement; it's yielding your will to another for a greater good.The good might be unity in the family (or body of Christ) or honoring and pleasing God.
Core Strength
Core strength isn't only necessary for our physical bodies. We need core strength to support our mental, spiritual, and emotional health as well. Right about now you realize that you have some difficult choices in front of you. Believe me, I know change is hard, and sometimes we're only motivated to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of making the change. You can choose to grow stronger through this destructive marriage or not, but if you choose to do nothing, you need to understand what it will cost you: your emotional, mental, and spiritual core will get weaker and weaker, caving inward until your entire personhood is out of alignment. Sacrificing yourself by allowing someone to sin against you to keep peace in your marriage is never a wise choice-not for you, not for your husband, nor for your marriage. God calls us to be biblical peacemakers, not peacekeepers or peace fakers.
Someone Sins
When someone repeatedly and seriously sins against us and not willing to look at what he's done and is not willing to change, it is not possible to have a warm or close or healthy relationship. Loving someone unconditionally is not synonymous with having an unconditional relationship with him. This is an important distinction. God says he loves us unconditionally (see Romans 5:8; 8:38-39), yet God does not have intimate fellowship with the person who will not see his sin and ask for his forgiveness. Jesus' conversations with the Pharisees regularly challenged their self-deception and pride. He did that so they would humble themselves, realize they were wrong, and be able to experience true fellowship with him (see Matthew 23). He loved the religious leaders unconditionally, but they did not enjoy a loving or close relationship. Jesus never pretended otherwise.
A marriage that has no boundaries or conditions is not psychologically healthy, nor is it spiritually sound. It enables your spouse to believe that the normal rules of life don't apply to him, and if he does something hurtful or sinful, he shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of relational fallout. That thinking is not biblical, healthy, or true. For the good of your spouse, your marriage, yourself, and your children, there are times you must make some tough choices. You must speak up, set boundaries, and when necessary implement consequences when your husband's behavior is destroying what God holds so precious-people, marriage, and family. Scripture warns, "He who conceals his sin does not prosper." (Proverbs 28:13)
"Yes," I said to Sharon. "Your husband desperately needs to see God's love, but he also desperately needs to see himself more truthfully so that he can wake up and ask God to help him make needed changes. You are not better, and God doesn't love you more than your husband. The problem is that your husband has been unwilling to admit to his part of the destruction. He's been unwilling to confess or take responsibility or get the help he needs to change his destructive ways. Instead, he's minimized, denied, lied, excused, rationalized, or blamed others-mostly you."
Confront Wisely
I would love to tell you to run to your pastor and church leadership for this kind of help, but, sadly, many women I've talked with have found conservative Christian churches give more support to their husbands than to them. Sometimes it's the idea of headship and submission that causes leadership to be wary of a woman who decides she must stand up against what's happening at home. She's seen as contentious, unruly, and lacking a gentle and quiet spirit; therefore, what she reports in her home is seen with suspicion or dismissed. Sometimes it's because her husband is a good liar and manipulator and has charmed the folks at church. He easily makes people believe he's the real victim of abuse, and his wife is exaggerating, lying, or just plain nuts. The last reason I find that pastors don't believe a woman is that by the time she finally reaches the end of her rope, she can't take it anymore. She's so fragile that she's seen as an emotional wreck. Or she's so angry, reactive, bitter, and unforgiving that she's seen as the provoker and cause of their marital problems. Either way, in these types of situations, her side of the story is suspect and her credibility is diminished.
Law of Consequences
Somehow people have gotten the idea that marriage voids God's law of consequences, except in the cases of adultery and perhaps physical abuse. Counselors and pastors often advise a wife that God calls her to suffer in her marriage while continuing to provide all the privileges and benefits of marriage regardless of how her husband treats her, provides for her, or violates their marital vows. This stance only reinforces the delusion of the destructive spouse who believes he can do as he pleases with no consequences. Marriage does not give someone "a get out of jail free" card that entitles a husband to lie, mistreat, ignore, be cruel, or crush his wife's God-given dignity. To believe otherwise is not to know the heart of God.
Come to Terms
**You must come to terms with the reality that whether you stay or whether you leave, there will be people who believe you made the wrong choice and will have no reservations telling you so. ** Jeanine told me, "I thought staying for my kids was a good idea, but now I see the damage it caused them. As adults, they are all either victims or abusers. The pattern has repeated. I wish I would have made a different choice."
(skipped a paragraph here on some statistics)
Yet leaving a destructive marriage is not pain free. It, too, has costs and consequences. Financially you may not be as well off. Your children will have to be in your spouse's care without your supervision during visitation. Depending on his propensity for retaliation and his financial resources, he can make your life miserable by repeatedly taking you to court regarding issues with the children. In addition, new challenges, such as living alone for the first time, finding a new church family, or starting a career in midlife, can be quite frightening for some women and may feel more stressful than figuring out how to stay with a destructive spouse.
Every woman in a destructive marriage must wrestle with what she believes God says to her about her situation. Circumstances vary, even in a destructive marriage. The Bible doesn't always tell us exactly what to do. The best way we can discern as finite, limited, sinful people is to read God's Word for ourselves, pray for God's wisdom, consult with people we respect, and walk humbly with God in this journey. The Bible tells us that "we will walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). We can't always see where we are going, but we still walk, trusting that God is leading and guiding us forward. Trusting God through this process is like traveling with my GPS. I have faith that it is going to take me where I need to go, even if I don't exactly know how...
One more thing you need to be aware of: whatever choices you make, whether you stay, whether you separate, or whether you divorce, be prepared for more suffering and grief ahead. Your decisions will bring challenges and criticism from those who think you're making the wrong choice. Your choices will bring opportunities for growth as well as temptations to sin. Knowing that these stumbling blocks and stepping stones are ahead of you will help you keep your eyes open so that you can be more vigilant over your heart and mind as you wrestle through some tough decisions.
Is Divorce Ever a Biblical Option?
When the Pharisees asked Jesus why Moses allowed divorce, Jesus told them that from the beginning that was not God's intent. God designed marriage to be a lifetime relationship. Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to people's hard hearts. God's ideal for marriage hasn't changed. He still wants it to be a lifetime relationship, but hard hearts still cause serious wounds to people and relationships. There are times it is just not wise or safe to stay married if the destructive person has not had a change of heart. They would have too much power to continue to hurt you.
(skipped a paragraph with an example)
When I'm working with someone considering divorce, my role as a coach or counselor is to listen carefully, to help clarify what's really going on, and to help a person get healthy and strong enough to make wise and biblical decisions on how she is going to handle her situation. Divorce is the last resort when efforts to reconcile and bring true peace in the marriage have repeatedly failed.
However, for some women, divorce might be the best choice because of her and her children's safety and sanity. I've already shared stories from women who wished they would not have stayed married for the children. They see their adult children living out the same destructive patterns that they witnessed as children. How they wish it could have been different.
Amnesty
Sometimes destructive individuals expect amnesty once they say they're sorry for what they've done. They believe that sorry means no more consequences, no extra effort, and that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe their words of repentance automatically restore trust and repair relationship wounds. But words are not enough. Words can be deceptive (see Jeremiah 7:4). A heart that is changed shows it.
Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make
(I wish Pastor could read this)
1. Making the Wrong Diagnosis or Implementing the Wrong Treatment Plan
When my mother became ill with a nagging cough, her doctor diagnosed it as bronchitis and prescribed antibiotics. Week after week she made no improvement. He changed antibiotics a few times and added an inhaler for asthma. She got worse. It was only after an emergency trip to the hospital that we discovered that she did not have bronchitis after all, she had lung cancer.
If you are working with a couple, and despite your best efforts, they are getting sicker and sicker, it's time to reevaluate the diagnosis. Antibiotics are great for someone with bronchitis but impotent to treat cancer. In the same way, traditional Christian marriage counseling or coaching is impotent to tackle the problem of a couple who have a cancerous marriage, and it may actually make things worse. Review...to understand the dynamics and destructive patterns of this type of relationship. Joint counseling is never appropriate if there are safety concerns.
2. Encouraging the Wife to Try Harder
As we've already seen in chapter 6, the reason this doesn't work is that it colludes with the husband's delusion that he's entitled to a fantasy wife, and it continues to foster the lie that she is responsible for his moods, attitudes, emotions, and behavior. A wife is often the first person to seek our help. If her husband joins her, he is usually there to hear what she's going to say about him, not because he sees himself as part of the problem. When we focus on her wrongdoing (which isn't difficult to find if you're looking for it), this reinforces her husband's misbelief that if only she would change, he would be fine and everything would be better.
3. Not Prioritizing Safety and Sanity
We (as the professional or helper) and our client can sometimes be so against divorce and separation and so anxious for restoration and reconciliation that we all collude to collapse the required steps necessary for genuine healing to take place. It's important that we not minimize the work during the safety and sanity stages, since these stages lay the foundation for genuine healing. These first two stages typically last a minimum of six months and at times much longer, even with weekly care.
Whenever a doctor diagnoses a patient with cancer, he or she recommends a treatment protocol that provides the best possible outcome. If the patient disagrees with what the doctor recommends or prefers to receive chemotherapy only once a month instead of weekly, the doctor would inform the patient that the treatment protocol calls for weekly chemotherapy and that less than that will not tackle the cancer. In the same way, we must be firm on what's required to restore broken and destructive marriages. Compromising the plan for restoration gives false hope.
4. Becoming a Benevolent Rescuer
There are times as people helpers we fear for a woman's safety and sanity. She seems perpetually stuck and incapable of acting wisely on her own behalf. In those moments, it is tempting to take charge and tell her what she must do. This is a mistake. Our role is not to fix or rescue her but rather to teach her how to make wise choices for her and her children. If she's been married to a controlling man, she has been robbed of her decision-making freedom, and she will naturally defer to us to make decisions for her. Our role is to empower her to reclaim her ability to make choices and to learn to make the hard decisions she needs to make.
5. Not Insisting on the Fruits of Repentance Before Initiating Reconciliation
It is tempting to encourage reconciliation once we see a husband begin to own his problems and want to change. We're encouraged that his eyes have been opened and change is taking place. Yet as we learned in chapters..., a change of heart is still a long way from a change in habit. We want to see evidence of repentance in attitudes and actions over time and don't want this couple to fall back into repeating their old destructive history, which will happen if new habits aren't in place.
Individuals and couples seeking help for their destructive marriage are often looking for a quick fix. They can also be very challenging, especially because progress can be so slow. Be sure to get plenty of your own support as well in case consultation is needed. These situations require great wisdom and a strong commitment to stay the course for true healing and restoration.
I hope you find
I hope you find someone who doesn't make you sad at night and who reminds you how much they love you every day and who laughs at your jokes. Someone who wants to listen to your music and who genuinely wants to be with you. I really hope you find that one, because you deserve that.
Feel everything
You can be in a relationship for two years and feel nothing, you could be in a relationship for two weeks and feel everything.
Time is not a measure of love.
Time is not a measure of love.
Good things
Sometimes the reason good things are not happening to you is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people.
Too much of my life
By Samantha King
For too much of my life I've apologized when I wasn't wrong, all to make a situation better. I'm not going to be that person anymore.
For too much of my life I've apologized when I wasn't wrong, all to make a situation better. I'm not going to be that person anymore.
Great manipulators
Some people
are truly great manipulators.
They can lie, cheat, treat you
badly and somehow manage
to make it all seem like it's all
your fault.
Eventually
Eventually you'll end up where you need to be, with who you're meant to be with, and doing what you should be doing,
Dating philosophy
Dating philosophy: Run as fast as you can towards God, and if someone keeps up,introduce yourself.
The author
By Toby Mac
God says don't worry about your future. He is the author of your story and he's already written the final chapter. -Max Lucado
(Toby Mac quoting Max Lucado)
God says don't worry about your future. He is the author of your story and he's already written the final chapter. -Max Lucado
(Toby Mac quoting Max Lucado)
She is me
There are still women out here that don't want anything from a man. Not money, materialistic things, nothing...nothing but trust, love, support and lots of affection. I'm her. She is me. I'm one of those women.
In a relationship
In a relationship you can't just do what you want, you always have to think about the other person and that's what people don't understand.
Waste your life
You can waste your whole life waiting for him to change. Sleeping next to him yet feeling alone. Wondering why he won't treat you right. You keep blaming yourself and giving more and more, hoping that your efforts will change things. You're in love with a lie, a dream, a never-will-be. You will have to do the one thing that you don't want to do...face the fact that no matter what you do, it will never be enough. Once you realize that, you should be able to let go.
Embarrassing
How embarrassing is it when you talk so highly about someone who ends up disappointing you.
Kind of vibe
I love a "I can talk to you about anything and not feel judged" kind of vibe. It's really rare, so when you find someone that accepts you for you, someone that always listens and helps you without judgment, hold onto them.
Two sides
Some people at FBC need to realize this:
Remember that there are two sides to every story and if you are not willing to listen to both sides don't be so quick to make your judgment on what you have heard.
Remember that there are two sides to every story and if you are not willing to listen to both sides don't be so quick to make your judgment on what you have heard.
Very rare
It's very rare to find someone that genuinely cares about you, that wants to see you achieve all of your goals,that wants to help you grow as a person and be by your side every step of the way. If you have that type of person never let them go, it's really rare to find.
For another man
Sometimes a man's purpose in a woman's life is to help her become a better woman..for another man.
Speaking kindly
By Toby Mac.
If speaking
kindly to
plants
helps
them
grow,
imagine
what
speaking
kindly to
humans
can do.
If speaking
kindly to
plants
helps
them
grow,
imagine
what
speaking
kindly to
humans
can do.
Misinformation
Grandma Joonie posted this after some of the things Dad posted.
When a toxic person can
no longer control you, they
will try to control how
others see you.
The misinformation will
feel unfair, but stay above it,
trusting that other people will
eventually see the truth,
just like you did.
Don't compare
Don't compare your life
to others. There's no
comparison between the
sun and the moon. They
shine when it's
their time.
Do not be afraid
From Chronological Bible reading
Deuteronomy 20:1
When you go out to battle against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God is with you, who brought you up from the land of Egypt.
Deuteronomy 20:1
When you go out to battle against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God is with you, who brought you up from the land of Egypt.
7 Beautiful reminders
Don't force someone
to remember you
all the time.
Just stay silent and let
them realize how will
they be without you
in their life.
_______________________________________________
If you're helping
someone and
expecting something
in return, you're
doing business not
kindness.
________________________________________________
Spend your time on
those that love you
unconditionally,
don't waste it on those
that only love you
when the conditions
are right for them.
__________________________________________________
Trust means
everything, but
when it's broken,
sorry means nothing.
____________________________________________________
Always
remember that
your present
situation is not
your final
destination.
The best is yet to
come!
____________________________________________________
Never argue
with a liar.
You can't win
because they
believe their
own lies.
______________________________________________________
I will win,
not immediately
but definitely.
_______________________________________________________
Forgive
You can forgive someone
and yet not want anything
to do with them.
People need to understand
that forgiveness is for past
reconciliation and not for
future consideration.
Until
From Sarah C.'s post from Female Thoughts
Stay single until you meet the guy who never stops trying to keep you because he knows getting you wasn't the hard part, but giving reasons to stay is
Stay single until you meet the guy who never stops trying to keep you because he knows getting you wasn't the hard part, but giving reasons to stay is
Doesn't have to revolve
From Sarah C.'s post
You do not need to text your friend every single day to still be friends. I have friends who check up on me every 6 months and I know they're just doing their thing and we understand that it's all good. Someone's life doesn't have to revolve around you for them to still love you.
You do not need to text your friend every single day to still be friends. I have friends who check up on me every 6 months and I know they're just doing their thing and we understand that it's all good. Someone's life doesn't have to revolve around you for them to still love you.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Not a day goes by
K sent this song to me last night with the following message:
"This song was part of my playlist during my connecting flight home through Atlanta. I know the "20th" is such a significant day. As I share it with you now I ask that you replace the words "baby" with "Hayden"...
Well, here goes...
"This song was part of my playlist during my connecting flight home through Atlanta. I know the "20th" is such a significant day. As I share it with you now I ask that you replace the words "baby" with "Hayden"...
Well, here goes...
Not A Day Goes By
by Lonestar
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is Hayden, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Hayden, Hayden, oh Hayden, not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, with your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is Hayden, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Hayden, Hayden, oh Hayden, not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Hayden, Hayden, oh Hayden, not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
The notebook
This is the monthly post for April. I took a picture of that notebook from the UM Trauma Burn unit.
This was handed to us at the hospital at the time of Hayden's accident. At first, I didn't know what it was for. It was just a blank notebook. At the time, we used it for everyone to write a message to be read at the end of Hayden's surgery for his organ donation. Gift of Life offered to do that for us as well as select songs to be played during the surgery. That was a great blessing to be able to do that, by the way.
It was then used at home for us to each write our "letters" to Hayden which were part of the eulogy at his service. Soon it became a place to record poems, Bible verses, quotes, and song lyrics. After that, I used it to plan Carter's birthday party and a few vacations, and it went on those vacations with us. Most of it after that is filled with notes from the many grief books I read.
I wanted to share this, because, after 2 years and 8 months, the notebook is finally filled. It tells a story of a journey, a journey that I would never ask to be on. A situation that was handed to me, like the notebook, with a question attached..."What are you going to do with this?" After looking through the completed notebook, every page filled, it is encouraging to see how far I've come. I am thankful to God for that and my sweet boy Hayden Smith.
(I also included two poems that are recorded on this blog: "When I Lost You" and "When Tomorrow Starts Without Me")
K's comment: "The 20th of each month is sorta like a torrential downpour. Thank you for allowing us to join you in the rain."
This was handed to us at the hospital at the time of Hayden's accident. At first, I didn't know what it was for. It was just a blank notebook. At the time, we used it for everyone to write a message to be read at the end of Hayden's surgery for his organ donation. Gift of Life offered to do that for us as well as select songs to be played during the surgery. That was a great blessing to be able to do that, by the way.
It was then used at home for us to each write our "letters" to Hayden which were part of the eulogy at his service. Soon it became a place to record poems, Bible verses, quotes, and song lyrics. After that, I used it to plan Carter's birthday party and a few vacations, and it went on those vacations with us. Most of it after that is filled with notes from the many grief books I read.
I wanted to share this, because, after 2 years and 8 months, the notebook is finally filled. It tells a story of a journey, a journey that I would never ask to be on. A situation that was handed to me, like the notebook, with a question attached..."What are you going to do with this?" After looking through the completed notebook, every page filled, it is encouraging to see how far I've come. I am thankful to God for that and my sweet boy Hayden Smith.
(I also included two poems that are recorded on this blog: "When I Lost You" and "When Tomorrow Starts Without Me")
K's comment: "The 20th of each month is sorta like a torrential downpour. Thank you for allowing us to join you in the rain."
Thursday, April 19, 2018
It happened again
Dad posted something on FB aimed at me, but some feedback he got probably wasn't what he was expecting. He has opened himself up to others' opinions besides his and Pastor's. Hmmm...
This is by your cousin, Melissa:
"The hardest part about what I've been going through is accepting that I can only apply these things to my own life. It's really difficult to let go and let God. We can speak truth from our lips, but others hear God speak when they are ready to hear him speak. The hardest part of acceptance was realizing God spent more time speaking to me, about me, through his words. I sat through a sermon that was based on not hearing his words and thinking about how they apply to others. Even though we are supposed to speak the truth to others in love, it's been my experience God chooses to spend more time working on me when he speaks to me. I had a lot of discussions with Him on forgiveness and not being able to let go of the fact that a person who hurt me didn't understand. I took that very, very personally. But ultimately it's between them and God. The fallout from it is unfortunately our own hurt, but it isn't a reflection on us. You are a chosen and loved child of God. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. Store up truth in your heart whether it does or doesn't apply to you so you know you are following His will, but I hope you can also find peace in letting Him take the wheel. It. Is. Hard."
Thanks, Melissa!
This is by your cousin, Melissa:
"The hardest part about what I've been going through is accepting that I can only apply these things to my own life. It's really difficult to let go and let God. We can speak truth from our lips, but others hear God speak when they are ready to hear him speak. The hardest part of acceptance was realizing God spent more time speaking to me, about me, through his words. I sat through a sermon that was based on not hearing his words and thinking about how they apply to others. Even though we are supposed to speak the truth to others in love, it's been my experience God chooses to spend more time working on me when he speaks to me. I had a lot of discussions with Him on forgiveness and not being able to let go of the fact that a person who hurt me didn't understand. I took that very, very personally. But ultimately it's between them and God. The fallout from it is unfortunately our own hurt, but it isn't a reflection on us. You are a chosen and loved child of God. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. Store up truth in your heart whether it does or doesn't apply to you so you know you are following His will, but I hope you can also find peace in letting Him take the wheel. It. Is. Hard."
Thanks, Melissa!
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
The announcement
Dad posted something on FB last night about the divorce. He's such a jerk (sorry-I know he's your dad). I just feel bad that people had to find out that way.
I wasn't going to go on FB at all today, but Nancy told me that most of the comments were neutral (didn't take anyone's side) and just said that they were praying for the family. There was a comment from your Aunt Brenda that was intended to support Dad, but it actually was helpful to me. Here it is:
"What good would a change of heart be of the attitude and lack of love is not there (she might have meant to say "there")? A marriage is MUCH more than staying married, I think you know this. When neglect of a relationship and abuse (which is neglect) is involved it's best to move on. If you truly study the Hebrew and Greek meanings in Scripture God does not want a dysfunctional marriage. It does no one involved any good.
My heart goes out to you. Just as my heart is aching for my daughter. However, what she was living with could not continue. A bad marriage does not honor God either."
I wasn't going to go on FB at all today, but Nancy told me that most of the comments were neutral (didn't take anyone's side) and just said that they were praying for the family. There was a comment from your Aunt Brenda that was intended to support Dad, but it actually was helpful to me. Here it is:
"What good would a change of heart be of the attitude and lack of love is not there (she might have meant to say "there")? A marriage is MUCH more than staying married, I think you know this. When neglect of a relationship and abuse (which is neglect) is involved it's best to move on. If you truly study the Hebrew and Greek meanings in Scripture God does not want a dysfunctional marriage. It does no one involved any good.
My heart goes out to you. Just as my heart is aching for my daughter. However, what she was living with could not continue. A bad marriage does not honor God either."
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Get the feeling
This thought came to mind yesterday:
Sometimes I get the feeling that we don't have much of a say in this...
Sometimes I get the feeling that we don't have much of a say in this...
All have sinned
Bible Gateway's Verse of the Day the other day
Romans 3:23-24
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.
Romans 3:23-24
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.
Who's Your Daddy?
This is by Priscilla Shirer. I can't get through the whole video without tearing up. It starts out a little differently on the video, but this is the jist of it.
He is the First and the Last. The Beginning and the End. He's the Keeper of creation and the Creator of all. He is the Architect of the universe and the Manager of all time.
He always was, always is, and always will be unmoved, unchanged, undefeated, and never undone. He was bruised but brought healing. He was pierced but eased pain. He was persecuted but brought freedom. He was dead and brings life, risen to bring power, and He reigns to bring peace.
The world can't understand Him. Armies can't defeat Him. Schools can't explain Him. And leaders, they can't ignore Him. Herod couldn't kill Him. Nero couldn't crush Him. The new age cannot replace Him. And Oprah can't explain Him away!
You remind yourself that He is Light, He is Longevity, and He is the Lord.
He is goodness and kindness and faithfulness and He is God.
He is Holy and Righteous and powerful and pure.
His ways are right, His Word eternal, His will unchanging and His mind is on us.
He's our Savior, our guide, our peace, our joy, our comfort, our Lord and He rules our lives!
I serve Him because His bond is love, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, and His goal for us is abundant life.
I follow Him because He's the Wisdom of the wise, the Power of the powerful, the Ancient of days, the Ruler of rulers, the Leader of all leaders.
His goal is a relationship with me.
He'll never leave you, never forsake you, never mislead you, never forget you. never overlook you, and never cancel your appointment in His appointment book.
When you fall, He'll lift you up. When you fail He'll forgive you. When you're weak He's strong when you're lost He's your way, when you're afraid He's your courage, when you stumble He will steady you, when you're hurt He's going to heal you. When you're broken He will mend you. When you're blind He will lead you. When you're hungry He will feed you. When you face trials He's with you.
When I face persecution He shields me. When I face problems He will comfort me. When I face loss He will provide for me. And when we face death He will carry us all home to meet Him.
He is everything, for everybody, everywhere, every time and in every way.
He is your God and that, Sisters, is who you belong to.
He is the First and the Last. The Beginning and the End. He's the Keeper of creation and the Creator of all. He is the Architect of the universe and the Manager of all time.
He always was, always is, and always will be unmoved, unchanged, undefeated, and never undone. He was bruised but brought healing. He was pierced but eased pain. He was persecuted but brought freedom. He was dead and brings life, risen to bring power, and He reigns to bring peace.
The world can't understand Him. Armies can't defeat Him. Schools can't explain Him. And leaders, they can't ignore Him. Herod couldn't kill Him. Nero couldn't crush Him. The new age cannot replace Him. And Oprah can't explain Him away!
You remind yourself that He is Light, He is Longevity, and He is the Lord.
He is goodness and kindness and faithfulness and He is God.
He is Holy and Righteous and powerful and pure.
His ways are right, His Word eternal, His will unchanging and His mind is on us.
He's our Savior, our guide, our peace, our joy, our comfort, our Lord and He rules our lives!
I serve Him because His bond is love, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, and His goal for us is abundant life.
I follow Him because He's the Wisdom of the wise, the Power of the powerful, the Ancient of days, the Ruler of rulers, the Leader of all leaders.
His goal is a relationship with me.
He'll never leave you, never forsake you, never mislead you, never forget you. never overlook you, and never cancel your appointment in His appointment book.
When you fall, He'll lift you up. When you fail He'll forgive you. When you're weak He's strong when you're lost He's your way, when you're afraid He's your courage, when you stumble He will steady you, when you're hurt He's going to heal you. When you're broken He will mend you. When you're blind He will lead you. When you're hungry He will feed you. When you face trials He's with you.
When I face persecution He shields me. When I face problems He will comfort me. When I face loss He will provide for me. And when we face death He will carry us all home to meet Him.
He is everything, for everybody, everywhere, every time and in every way.
He is your God and that, Sisters, is who you belong to.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Do not go gentle
One of your favorite movies, Interstellar, was on TV this weekend. They played it twice in a row, so I caught the end of it then watched some of the beginning of the next one. Carter and I remembered how you would always have the soundtrack playing on your laptop while you were working on stuff at the dining room table.
I remember when the movie came out, you made us all go see it with you. I wish you were here to explain some of it now to me. I know you would answer all my questions and help me understand some of the confusing parts.
Lisa R. brought this up too-those are some of the hardest times when we realize that nobody but you could help in a situation. Lisa mentioned it when her other son, Joe, took the SAT last week. He realized the night before that he needed a special kind of calculator and he was stressing out about it. She said she knew if Jacob was there, he would have known what calculator to give him and what words to say to make his brother feel better. Nobody else could have done that.
Anyway, there was a quote at the end that I wanted to write down. Here it is. I think this is what happened with you.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds may have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
BTW, I had a dream about you last night. You were pretty little and we were at a gas station or something. I remember that Dad let you out of the car and you went running down the street in a little group of other little people. I was trying to find you but was mad that I couldn't find you at the time. I had a feeling though that I would still find you at some point.
I remember when the movie came out, you made us all go see it with you. I wish you were here to explain some of it now to me. I know you would answer all my questions and help me understand some of the confusing parts.
Lisa R. brought this up too-those are some of the hardest times when we realize that nobody but you could help in a situation. Lisa mentioned it when her other son, Joe, took the SAT last week. He realized the night before that he needed a special kind of calculator and he was stressing out about it. She said she knew if Jacob was there, he would have known what calculator to give him and what words to say to make his brother feel better. Nobody else could have done that.
Anyway, there was a quote at the end that I wanted to write down. Here it is. I think this is what happened with you.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds may have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
BTW, I had a dream about you last night. You were pretty little and we were at a gas station or something. I remember that Dad let you out of the car and you went running down the street in a little group of other little people. I was trying to find you but was mad that I couldn't find you at the time. I had a feeling though that I would still find you at some point.
Praying
Hope told me a while ago that this song made her think of me and the situation with Dad. I thought I recorded the lyrics, but I guess not. It's a pretty powerful song.
Praying
by Kesha
Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become
'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this I wish you farewell
I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying
I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name
You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this I wish you farewell
I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying
Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive
I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying
Friday, April 13, 2018
Insult to injury
Urban dictionary defines this as: to contribute more pain to something that has already been damaged
That's what it feels like to be punished by your church for divorcing your husband. It's like accidentally killing your own kid and being sent to jail for it. The experience and the experience leading up to it already carries its own negative consequences-nobody needs more.
That's what it feels like to be punished by your church for divorcing your husband. It's like accidentally killing your own kid and being sent to jail for it. The experience and the experience leading up to it already carries its own negative consequences-nobody needs more.
Pieces
K sent me a few versions of this song earlier in the week
Pieces
by Rob Thomas
Run away, run away if you can't speak
Turn a page on a world that you don't need
Wide awake and you're scared that you won't come down now
Didn't I tell you you were gonna break down
Didn't I warn you, didn't I warn you
Better take it easy, try to find a way out
Better start believing in yourself
We build it up, we tear it down
We leave our pieces on the ground
We see no end, we don't know how
We are lost and we're falling
Hold onto me
You're all I have, you're all I have
Hold onto me
You're all I have, all I have
Now and then there's a light in the darkness
Feel around till you find where your heart went
There's a weight in the air but you can't see why, why
Didn't I tell you you were gonna break down
Didn't I want you, everybody wants you
Tell me what you're needing, give into your bleeding
Never any feeling for yourself
We build it up, we tear it down
We leave our pieces on the ground
We see no end, and we don't know how
We are lost and we're falling
Hold onto me
You're all I have, all I have
Hold onto me,
You're all I have, all I have
Didn't I tell you you were gonna break down
Didn't I warn you, didn't I warn you
Better take it easy, try to find a way out
Better start believing in yourself
We build it up, we tear it down
We leave our pieces on the ground
We see no end, and we don't know how
We are lost and we're falling
Hold onto me
You're all I have, all I have
Hold onto me
You're all I have, all I have
Can you hold onto me
Can you hold onto me
Run away, run away if you can't speak
Heavy fruit, wearily born
Lisa R. sent me this today.
Heavy Fruit, Wearily Borne-Day #48
I live across the street from a remarkable, old apple orchard. The trees are gnarled, and the fruit hangs heavy in the late summer. Sometimes, the branches, weakened from years of neglect, break from the burden of abundance.
Put yourself in the Creator's place for a moment. If you could "design a fruit" and call it grief, what would it look like? How much would it weigh? What kind of tree would it grow on?
Take a moment to think about that; maybe even take out some paper and a pencil, to draw your creation.
And, then realize you are the tree. Draw your branches strong, capable-and well-tended. I promise you, they will carry your burden without breaking.
Quotation for the Day:
"Sorrow is a fruit; God does not allow it to grow on a branch that it too weak to bear it." -Victor Hugo
Heavy Fruit, Wearily Borne-Day #48
I live across the street from a remarkable, old apple orchard. The trees are gnarled, and the fruit hangs heavy in the late summer. Sometimes, the branches, weakened from years of neglect, break from the burden of abundance.
Put yourself in the Creator's place for a moment. If you could "design a fruit" and call it grief, what would it look like? How much would it weigh? What kind of tree would it grow on?
Take a moment to think about that; maybe even take out some paper and a pencil, to draw your creation.
And, then realize you are the tree. Draw your branches strong, capable-and well-tended. I promise you, they will carry your burden without breaking.
Quotation for the Day:
"Sorrow is a fruit; God does not allow it to grow on a branch that it too weak to bear it." -Victor Hugo
Interesting
K's dream the other day:
"It was rather interesting. We were all out running the Ranch, you and Hope ended up walking. Carter wanted me to go all over the place. While eating dinner on my pool deck...Hope and Carter were excited to be planning different adventures."
"It was rather interesting. We were all out running the Ranch, you and Hope ended up walking. Carter wanted me to go all over the place. While eating dinner on my pool deck...Hope and Carter were excited to be planning different adventures."
Find a guy
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU. The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her.
Message from Heaven
Ruby did this and shared the following from "you":
"Ruby, I know it has not been easy for you since I left, but I could not be prouder of the way you have honored my memory. You continue to live a beautiful life, so full of love, hope, and kindness. Even when you feel alone, I will always be by your side, bringing you strength in your time of need.
I did it next:
"Andrea, I know how hard it has been to continue life without me, but I am so proud of the way you have allowed my spirit to live on through you. I am not truly gone while you walk the earth. Thank you for honoring my memory this way."
"Ruby, I know it has not been easy for you since I left, but I could not be prouder of the way you have honored my memory. You continue to live a beautiful life, so full of love, hope, and kindness. Even when you feel alone, I will always be by your side, bringing you strength in your time of need.
I did it next:
"Andrea, I know how hard it has been to continue life without me, but I am so proud of the way you have allowed my spirit to live on through you. I am not truly gone while you walk the earth. Thank you for honoring my memory this way."
Whose stripes
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 Peter 2:24
Who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.
1 Peter 2:24
Who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.
Take up the cross
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Luke 9:23-24
Take Up the Cross and Follow Him
Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.
Luke 9:23-24
Take Up the Cross and Follow Him
Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.
The people who walk away
The people who walk away are not meant to be a part of your future. Let them go. Your life is with those who stay, and they deserve all of you. -Bryant McGill
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
I wish
I wish people could just say how they feel like, "Hey I don't like it when you do that to me" or "Hi I'm in love with you" or "Hey I really miss you and I can't stand not talking to you" without sounding desperate. Why can't everyone just be painfully honest and save people the trouble.
Can I skip
Can I skip to the part of my life where I'm financially stable and sleep next to the love of my life every night?
Surround yourself
Surround yourself with people who
push you to do and be better. No drama
or negativity. Just higher goals and
higher motivation. Good times and
positive energy. No jealousy or hate.
Simply bringing out the absolute best
in each other.
Bliss
This was sent to me today from Lisa R.
Bliss-Day #46
Defined by the dictionary as a state of extreme happiness, ecstasy, or spiritual joy, it may be hard for you to imagine your loved one in a state of such happiness. But, why not try it for today?
After all, it's a comforting thought, isn't it? Of all the things you could consider as their experience after death, this is a nice one.
If "bliss" is too strong, then try "quiet contentment." Rest assured, it's not likely they are suffering the sorrows of grief that you are. And, I honestly think they would find joy in knowing that you've found some measure of comfort for yourself in thinking they are blissful.
So, just for today, try that thought on for size. If it "fits," wear it-from this day forward; like a warm jacket on a windy day.
Quotation for the day:
"I can assure you that those who have already passed have not only made it to the Other Side, but are in a state of bliss."
-Sylvia Browne, Journal of Love & Healing
Bliss-Day #46
Defined by the dictionary as a state of extreme happiness, ecstasy, or spiritual joy, it may be hard for you to imagine your loved one in a state of such happiness. But, why not try it for today?
After all, it's a comforting thought, isn't it? Of all the things you could consider as their experience after death, this is a nice one.
If "bliss" is too strong, then try "quiet contentment." Rest assured, it's not likely they are suffering the sorrows of grief that you are. And, I honestly think they would find joy in knowing that you've found some measure of comfort for yourself in thinking they are blissful.
So, just for today, try that thought on for size. If it "fits," wear it-from this day forward; like a warm jacket on a windy day.
Quotation for the day:
"I can assure you that those who have already passed have not only made it to the Other Side, but are in a state of bliss."
-Sylvia Browne, Journal of Love & Healing
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Outro
This song has been in a commercial lately, and it was also in one of the videos Jake made after your accident. It's mostly instrumental.
Outro
by M83
I'm the king of my own land
Facing tempests of dust, I'll fight until the end
Creatures of my dreams, raise up and dance with me!
Now and forever, I'm your king!
Christ in our place
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
Romans 5:8
Christ in Our Place
For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man some will die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
Christ in Our Place
For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man some will die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
The outworking of love
Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 John 3:16
The Outworking of Love
By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
1 John 3:16
The Outworking of Love
By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
Countless reasons
By Toby Mac
I have given Christ
countless reasons
not to love me.
None of them
has changed his mind.
I have given Christ
countless reasons
not to love me.
None of them
has changed his mind.
Every time
What f...s me up the most, is when a person knows exactly what you've been through, promises to be different, and ends up being the same.
Your color, your way
The hair color I get changed their packaging recently. This poem was on the top of the box.
Your color,
your way.
A Poem
Gone are the days of feeling gray
Gone are the roots that show
Gone are memories of big mistakes
Now that you're "in the know"
Gone are the late night drugstore runs
with 3 options that look the same
Gone are days when you'd pay a ton
for salons with fancy names
Now you've got this on your own!
It's finally your color day
The best part is, you're not alone
We're here, every step of the way
#colorhappiness
Monday, April 9, 2018
Until it's gone
Until It's Gone
"Some people don't know what they have until it's gone."
"But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most.
Isn't it much worse for them?"
-Lang Leav
"Some people don't know what they have until it's gone."
"But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most.
Isn't it much worse for them?"
-Lang Leav
Be the woman
Be the woman who fixes another woman's crown, without telling the world that it was crooked.
I choose you
I choose you. And I'll choose
you over and over and over.
Without pause, without a
doubt, in a heartbeat.
I'll keep choosing you.
The change itself
This was posted on Joanna K.'s wall.
Don't break a bird's wings and
then tell it to fly. Don't break a
heart and then tell it to love.
Don't break a soul and then tell
it to be happy. Don't see the
worst in a person and expect
them to see the best in you.
Don't judge people and expect
them to stand by your side.
Don't play with fire and expect
to stay perfectly safe. Life is
about giving and taking. You
cannot expect to give bad and
receive good. You cannot
expect to give hate and receive
love. So if you want to see
positive change in your life, you
need to be that change itself.
-Najwa Lebian
Friday, April 6, 2018
The road not taken
This is a poem by Robert Frost. K said his favorite quote is from it. It's the last three lines.
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step has trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step has trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Chase the shadows
This is by Lisa Leonard. I think Mom got me one of her necklaces one time.
Chase the Shadows
God is good,
God is love,
I learned these truths when I was little.
His light surrounds me,
He watches over me,
I felt His presence from a young age.
I wanted to be good.
I wanted to please the God of the Universe.
I wanted to deserve His love.
So, I worked hard,
And tried to be good.
I felt his light behind me, like sun on my shoulders.
But shadows stretched out before me,
dark shadows as far as I could see.
So, I worked harder,
I tried to be better.
His light was always behind me,
His presence was always with me,
But the shadows were always before me,
dark shadows as far as I could see.
I worked even harder,
I tried to be better, perfect even.
Day by day, the weight on my shoulders grew heavier,
My back and legs grew tired,
My heart was weary and sad.
No matter what I did, it was never enough.
I could never overcome the shadows,
dark shadows as far as I could see.
In desperation, I dropped to my knees,
buried my face in my hands and wept.
As tears rolled down my face I felt the warmth of
God's light behind me.
I cried with desperation,
"I'm sorry God.
I tried so hard.
I wanted to be good.
I wanted to deserve your love.
But I could never overcome the shadows."
I felt Him gently touch my shoulder.
With empty hands and a broken heart,
I turned around.
I turned toward God.
His warm light overwhelmed me.
The glow of His goodness filled me with peace.
His love consumed me.
As I turned toward God there were no shadows, only light.
He whispered to me.
"You don't have to work harder.
You don't have to be good enough.
You don't have to do it on your own.
I love you.
I have always loved you.
I am enough for you.
I have always been enough for you.
Turn toward me with empty hands and a broken
heart.
You will find what you need right here.
I will surround you with my goodness and
protection.
I will fill you with my love.
I will shine my light and chase the shadows
away.
There will be no more shadows, only light as far
as you can see."
Chase the Shadows
God is good,
God is love,
I learned these truths when I was little.
His light surrounds me,
He watches over me,
I felt His presence from a young age.
I wanted to be good.
I wanted to please the God of the Universe.
I wanted to deserve His love.
So, I worked hard,
And tried to be good.
I felt his light behind me, like sun on my shoulders.
But shadows stretched out before me,
dark shadows as far as I could see.
So, I worked harder,
I tried to be better.
His light was always behind me,
His presence was always with me,
But the shadows were always before me,
dark shadows as far as I could see.
I worked even harder,
I tried to be better, perfect even.
Day by day, the weight on my shoulders grew heavier,
My back and legs grew tired,
My heart was weary and sad.
No matter what I did, it was never enough.
I could never overcome the shadows,
dark shadows as far as I could see.
In desperation, I dropped to my knees,
buried my face in my hands and wept.
As tears rolled down my face I felt the warmth of
God's light behind me.
I cried with desperation,
"I'm sorry God.
I tried so hard.
I wanted to be good.
I wanted to deserve your love.
But I could never overcome the shadows."
I felt Him gently touch my shoulder.
With empty hands and a broken heart,
I turned around.
I turned toward God.
His warm light overwhelmed me.
The glow of His goodness filled me with peace.
His love consumed me.
As I turned toward God there were no shadows, only light.
He whispered to me.
"You don't have to work harder.
You don't have to be good enough.
You don't have to do it on your own.
I love you.
I have always loved you.
I am enough for you.
I have always been enough for you.
Turn toward me with empty hands and a broken
heart.
You will find what you need right here.
I will surround you with my goodness and
protection.
I will fill you with my love.
I will shine my light and chase the shadows
away.
There will be no more shadows, only light as far
as you can see."
The outworking of love
Today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day
1 John 3:16
The Outworking of Love
By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
1 John 3:16
The Outworking of Love
By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
10 signs of maturity
This is from a website called Simple Reminders.
10 Signs of Maturity
Forgiving someone who isn't sorry.
Knowing when to speak and when to be silent.
Walking away from toxic people.
Not needing the last word.
Letting go of negative self-talk.
Keeping a small circle of quality friends.
Not stressing over mindless drama.
Never apologizing for doing what's best for you.
Giving without expectations.
Being grateful for the little things in life.
10 Signs of Maturity
Forgiving someone who isn't sorry.
Knowing when to speak and when to be silent.
Walking away from toxic people.
Not needing the last word.
Letting go of negative self-talk.
Keeping a small circle of quality friends.
Not stressing over mindless drama.
Never apologizing for doing what's best for you.
Giving without expectations.
Being grateful for the little things in life.
Truly lives
Lisa R. sent this to me-it was Jacob's favorite quote. It's by William Wallace.
Every man dies but not every man truly lives.
Every man dies but not every man truly lives.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Mott's
Today on Facebook, there was a post from Carina M. that they were waiting at C.S. Mott Children's Hospital. Underneath the location, it said, "Hayden Smith and 21 others have been here." Thanks!
Never
This is from Grief Bites from April 4th.
Never
Never give up your opinion just because someone steamrolls you with theirs.
Never change who you are just so someone else can accept you or find you worthy enough to love.
Never mistreat anyone who has proven their love for you. Genuine love and concern are hard to find.
Never allow someone else's behavior to dictate your own personal integrity.
Never allow anyone to belittle your grief. That's only between God, your immediate family, and yourself.
Never allow anyone or anything to rob you of your joy.
Never allow anyone in your life if they don't truly care about who you are and have the very best intentions for you.
Never give up an opportunity to travel when you can afford it. Travel is one of life's best gifts.
Never enter-or lose yourself in-a relationship where the person refuses to care enough about themselves to do their own self work.
Never go through mistreatment or abuse just because someone else doesn't care to have good standards for how they treat others.
Never give up your dreams just so someone else can pursue theirs.
Never take your health for granted. You never know what a treasure it truly is until it's compromised.
Never give up your beliefs just because someone doesn't want to raise their standards to believe right.
Never allow anyone who doesn't love you to live "rent free" inside your mind.
Never allow another person to interfere in your relationship with your spouse, child, parents, siblings, or other significant relationships.
Never refuse anyone kindness or basic respect.
Never give up or compromise your character just so someone can find you more likable or appealing.
Never allow someone to pull you down. Be around those who lift you up.
Never give up hope, faith, or genuine love. These 3 things will always sustain you.
Never feel bad about loving your kiddos and grandkiddos to the moon and back.
Never allow anyone to degrade you. Your value and your heart are your responsibility to protect.
Never allow anyone to intrude in your goals. Only God has that right.
Never attempt to "repaint" a person after they've shown (or continue to prove) their true colors.
Never feel bad about loving your pets as though they were lil humans who happen to wear fur. God loves all His creation!
Never allow someone else to make you responsible for their happiness. Happiness and joy are each person's own responsibility and self-work.
Never be ashamed of tears. Tears cleanse your soul.
Never bless someone with the expensive gift of trust-or another "knife"-after they've already carelessly stabbed you in the back.
Never give up or jeopardize your belief in God...or your relationship with Him. He will always love you more-and better-than anyone else ever can.
Never waste life and never take life for granted. You're never guaranteed tomorrow.
Never allow anyone or anything to rob you of God's Purpose for your life.
Never
Never give up your opinion just because someone steamrolls you with theirs.
Never change who you are just so someone else can accept you or find you worthy enough to love.
Never mistreat anyone who has proven their love for you. Genuine love and concern are hard to find.
Never allow someone else's behavior to dictate your own personal integrity.
Never allow anyone to belittle your grief. That's only between God, your immediate family, and yourself.
Never allow anyone or anything to rob you of your joy.
Never allow anyone in your life if they don't truly care about who you are and have the very best intentions for you.
Never give up an opportunity to travel when you can afford it. Travel is one of life's best gifts.
Never enter-or lose yourself in-a relationship where the person refuses to care enough about themselves to do their own self work.
Never go through mistreatment or abuse just because someone else doesn't care to have good standards for how they treat others.
Never give up your dreams just so someone else can pursue theirs.
Never take your health for granted. You never know what a treasure it truly is until it's compromised.
Never give up your beliefs just because someone doesn't want to raise their standards to believe right.
Never allow anyone who doesn't love you to live "rent free" inside your mind.
Never allow another person to interfere in your relationship with your spouse, child, parents, siblings, or other significant relationships.
Never refuse anyone kindness or basic respect.
Never give up or compromise your character just so someone can find you more likable or appealing.
Never allow someone to pull you down. Be around those who lift you up.
Never give up hope, faith, or genuine love. These 3 things will always sustain you.
Never feel bad about loving your kiddos and grandkiddos to the moon and back.
Never allow anyone to degrade you. Your value and your heart are your responsibility to protect.
Never allow anyone to intrude in your goals. Only God has that right.
Never attempt to "repaint" a person after they've shown (or continue to prove) their true colors.
Never feel bad about loving your pets as though they were lil humans who happen to wear fur. God loves all His creation!
Never allow someone else to make you responsible for their happiness. Happiness and joy are each person's own responsibility and self-work.
Never be ashamed of tears. Tears cleanse your soul.
Never bless someone with the expensive gift of trust-or another "knife"-after they've already carelessly stabbed you in the back.
Never give up or jeopardize your belief in God...or your relationship with Him. He will always love you more-and better-than anyone else ever can.
Never waste life and never take life for granted. You're never guaranteed tomorrow.
Never allow anyone or anything to rob you of God's Purpose for your life.
Encouraging
This was posted on Marcus' wall this morning:
God will put you back together in front of the people that broke you!
God will put you back together in front of the people that broke you!
More Winnie the Pooh
Even though I'm not a big Winnie the Pooh fan, I do have part of this quote somewhere. I didn't know there was more of it. Thanks-I needed that today.
If ever there is a tomorrow
when we're not together...
there is something
you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is,
even if we're apart...
I'll always be with you.
If ever there is a tomorrow
when we're not together...
there is something
you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is,
even if we're apart...
I'll always be with you.
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