Great peace

Bible verse of the day on Bible Gateway.

Psalm 119:165: Great peace have those who love Your law. And nothing causes them to stumble.

Dark world

Online I think.

Matthew 5:14: It's a dark world. Be the light.

(I'm going to look up full verse on Bible Gateway)

Hmmmm...quite different:

Matthew 5:14: You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.

Never sleep on planes

One of your hilarious tweets:

I never sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.

The other side of terror

Came across these ideas I had written down and looked it up. Linked to a little video by Will Smith talking about how God placed the best things in life on the other side of terror.

On the other side of your maximum fear are all the best things in life

Everything you want is on the other side of fear

(I will try to look up this video and write down words)

If she's amazing

Came across this on Facebook-I think it's from Bob Marley

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy...Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; You just gotta find the one worth suffering for.

Franchesca Cox

I thought I wrote this down already, but Franchesca Cox has a magazine called Still Standing and a Facebook page by that same name. I've written down many quotes from her. Here are a few more.

Grief is a love story. The way we tell it has no bearing on the depth of our pain.

Grief is the price we pay for love and is one we pay so willingly.

Reminder for myself: Facets of Grief art therapy book (it's $38 though)

Where I'm Going With This

I shared some of that verse/song with K earlier, and I wasn't sure why I was even doing so. Here are the verses I was focusing on. I'll include with them the texts.

K: Some of the verses I've seen or read before...
Me:  Me too-the garden thing I've heard before and the "part of us went with you" part. I had some thoughts on the parts I found interesting. I'll follow up on that in a minute. After I shared the poem/song with you I wondered why I even did that, but I think I know why now.
K:  We just landed in ATL. This is the part I've been thinking about:  He knew you were in pain,
Me:  I know I believe, since Hayden's accident, that there are worse things than dying. I think I told you that probably the worst thing that could happen to him, after going through an accident of that magnitude, was waking up and having to deal with the damage to his mind and body. Here are the verses that tie to this: He saw your road was getting rough, And the hills were hard to climb, So he closed your weary eyes, And whispered, "Peace be thine." When we saw you sleeping, So calm and free of pain, We would not wish you back to us, To suffer once again. Do you know where I'm going with this?
K:  Hoping I'm not taking it out of context. At no point do I recall being "in pain"...when I began my journey back, I only felt uncomfortable. I know Hayden was never "in pain"...
Me:  But wouldn't you say you went through a great deal of suffering? (By the way, thank you for saying that about Hayden. I don't believe he felt any pain either).
Me (again):  I'll give you some time to respond, but will continue shortly
K: Suffering...hmmmm...Guilt...yes....Why's...yes
K (again): "When we saw you sleeping, So calm and free of pain"...guessing we were the lucky ones...
Me: You feel guilty that you lived when Hayden died. You think you were given a gift that Hayden didn't receive. But he just received a different type of gift. God blessed Hayden with the gift of not having to endure the aftermath of his injuries for the rest of his life. That is a blessing to those of us he left behind as well. Even though we didn't want him to ever leave us, how horrible would it be to see him suffer with all of that and not even be himself anymore. He wouldn't want that and if we really thought about it, neither would we.
K:  To answer your questions, I'm not sure where you're going with this...
Me: Ok-I'll think about it and try to explain it in a different way
K: I fully understand the suffering part. Think I shared with you the guy I met this past year on the road bike crashing through the passenger's window of the car and ending up on the drivers lap. He recalled his entire ordeal along with the severe pain and suffering of his injuries.
Me: This actually might make a better phone conversation-I don't know. I don't mean just the physical pain and suffering of the accident itself. I mean afterwards if he would have woken up and he couldn't walk, or he couldn't see, or he couldn't do anything. Or he couldn't think the same, or he couldn't do all the things he planned on doing in his life the way he wanted to, etc. By the way, I wasn't intending to make this all about Hayden-I thought this could tie into your situation too but I guess I'm not doing a good job of that. I'm sorry about that.
K: No worries. Never once took the point of view that it was all about Hayden. Guessing I'm still caught up in something...
Me: I have time for a phone call between 5 and 6. Would that work at all? I know you said you had a long layover in Atlanta.
K: That may work. I'm here til 7:30. Meeting up with a colleague at some point after 5. Reach out when you can...
Me: Ok

The Day God Called You Home song

These are the lyrics to the song I wrote about. The written out lyrics weren't available online, but I listened to the song and wrote the words down.

The Day God Called You Home

God looked around His garden
And found an empty place
He then looked down upon this earth
And saw your tired face
He put His arms around you
And lifted you to rest
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best

He saw your road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb
So He closed your weary eyes
And whispered, "Peace be thine.

When we saw you sleeping
So calm and free of pain
We would not wish you back to us
To suffer once again

You left us precious memories
Your love will be our guide
You will live on through your family
Who were always by your side

Chorus:
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home

Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death

The first few verses of this Psalm was the Bible Gateway Verse of the Day. I decided to read the whole thing because it had the above title (I love it when they have little titles, you know). It's an amazing Psalm, of course.

Psalm 116
Thanksgiving for Deliverance from Death
I love the Lord, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

The pains of death surrounded me,
And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I found trouble and sorrow.
Then I called upon the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
Yes, our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
I will walk before the Lord
In the land of the living.
I believed, therefore I spoke,
"I am greatly afflicted."
I said in my haste,
"All men are liars."

What shall I render to the Lord
For all His benefits toward me?
I will take up the cup of salvation,
And call upon the name of the Lord.
I will pay my vows to the Lord
Now in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord
Is the death of His saints.

O Lord, I truly am Your servant;
I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant;
You have loosed my bonds.
I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
And will call upon the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord
Now in the presence of all His people,
In the courts of the Lord's house,
In the midst of you, O Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

(Side note: When I was recording this, I imagined this being your experience. It reminded me that you still ARE. Love you!)

Hold me up

Today's Bible Gateway Verse of the Day.

Psalm 94:18-19
If I say, "My foot slips," Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.

Do-It-Yourself Christianity

Daily devotion from Max Lucado.

Do-it-yourself Christianity isn't much encouragement to the done in and worn out! "Try a little harder" is little encouragement for the abused. At some point we need more than good advice, we need help. Somewhere on this journey we realize that a fifty-fifty proposition is too little. We need help from the inside out. The kind of help Jesus promised.

"I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper to be with you forever-the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it does not see him or know him. But know him, because he lives with you and will be in you." (John 14:16-17).

Note the dwelling place of God...in you. Not near us or above us, but in us! In the hidden recess of our being dwells, not an angel, not a philosophy, not a genie, but God. Imagine that!

Mellow

This song is cute by Olivia Newton John, but the lyrics are pretty poignant. Here they are.

Have You Never Been Mellow

There was a time when I was in a hurry as you are

I was just like you

There was a day when I just had to tell my point of view

I was like you

Now I don't mean to make you frown

No, I just want you to slow down

Have you never been mellow?

Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?

Have you never been happy just to hear your song?

Have you never let someone else be strong?

Running around as you do with your head up in the clouds

I was like you

Never had time to lay back, kick your shoes off, close your eyes

I was like you

Now you're not hard to understand

You need someone to take your hand

Have you never been mellow?

Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?

Have you never been happy just to hear your song?

Have you never let someone else be strong?

(Side note:  I've never let someone else be strong)

Your Wings

Someone tagged me in a Facebook video by the name of, "Your Wings Were Ready But My Heart Was Not"

Your Wings Were Ready But My Heart Was Not

You can shed tears that the one you love is gone

Or you can smile because they lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that they will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all they taught you while they were with you.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see the one you love

Or you can be thankful for the memories of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember the one you love and only that they are gone

Or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what they would want you to do

Smile,

Appreciate what you had

and learn to love again.

NameTest

There was some Facebook thing called NameTest and this is what came up for K

He is the one who can make everyone laugh with his great sense of humor. He lives in the present and doesn't take life too seriously. He apologizes if he makes a mistake. He is not egotistic and respects everyone around him. He is the kind of person who will cheer you up when you are low. He is responsible and fun at the same time. You can always count on him. He is quite perfect.

Joseph post

There were a ton of posts the past few days commemorating your anniversary. One that touched me the most was one that Joseph posted something. He's been pretty quiet since your accident, and I don't see much from him on Facebook, so when I woke up to a post from him, it really touched me. He had some heartfelt words (I might record them) and posted the video of 4D lip synching/dancing to "Billie Jean" in the Maucks' basement.

Soon after that, the song "Hall of Fame" came on which makes me think of you. I got a good cry out of all of that. What wonderful friends you had.

The Day God Called You Home

Lydia B. posted this song, along with a nice post, by one of her favorites, Eammon McCrystal. I couldn't find the exact lyrics but there is a poem that sounds like the lyrics. Here it is.

The Day God Called You Home
by Lindsay Zacher

God looked around his garden
And found an empty space;
He then looked down upon this earth
And saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best.

He knew you were in pain,
He knew you might never
Get well upon this earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb,
And whispered, 'Peace be thine."

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you never went alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

When you touch

K posted this the other day

When you touch someone's life-

it is a privilege.

When you touch someone's heart-

it is a blessing.

When you touch someone's mind-

it is an honor.

When you touch someone's soul-

it is a triumph.

When you touch someone's spirit-

it is a miracle.

-Dr. Jeff Mullan

The friends I have never met

K posted this as a comment on my post on the 2-year anniversary.

The Friends I Have Never Met

It's strange to have a friend that you have never hugged, shook their hand, or looked into their eyes.

But you have been touched by their soul, seen the good in their hearts and felt the warmth of their being.

The friends I have never met are not my friends untouched, for I have felt them with me when I needed them. I have confided in them and they are some of the kindest people I have ever known.

The University of Suffering

Dee Dee gave us this article on Sunday at church since it was your 2-year anniversary.

The University of Suffering
by Jay Blevins
For several years I have traveled to bring Bibles and spiritual comfort to "the Suffering Church." I was so deeply impressed with the courage and dedication of the people I met behind closed doors that I desired more and more to identify with them, asked God to help me understand, as Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10, "the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings." (NIV). Little did I know how powerful that prayer was to prove.

I assumed that on one of my border crossings into Eastern Europe or China I would be detained for a while, perhaps interrogated and pushed around for a little bit. But God's ways are strange sometimes. In city after city across the United States, while also serving as a volunteer speaker for Open Doors with Brother Andrew, I encountered people torn by grief and personal tragedy. If I needed contact with suffering, I was certainly finding it.

Just before Thanksgiving 1985, I found out what God was trying to show me. Tired and lonely, I had finished a dinner meeting in Laredo, Texas, when the hotel front desk paged me for a telephone call. It was my pastor from back home in Florida.

"Jay," he said in a quiet voice, "you need to come home. Jeff was hit by a car as he ran after a ball."

Not too concerned, I immediately pictured my 10-year-old lying in a hospital bed, his leg in a cast. He would love the drama of it.

"How is he?" I asked.

There was a long silence on the phone, and then a choked voice explained, "Jeff didn't make it. He's in heaven with the Lord."

I felt as if a sledgehammer had rammed my chest. Numbly, I told him I would arrange a flight home and hung up the phone. But no flights were available, and I would have to wait until morning.

Sitting alone that night in the Holiday Inn, I wondered how this could be happening. Just a couple of hours before, I had called my family and talked with all the children, including Jeff.

And now he was gone, hit by a speeding drunk driver. I cried as I had never cried before. My room felt physically cold. I turned on all the lights, but it still seemed incredibly dark.

A thousand miles from home, I was totally alone, full of despair and feeling forgotten. I kept hearing in my mind the verses I had used in the meeting this evening: "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ..." (1 Peter 4:12,13, NIV).

I began to realize that God was enrolling me in his university of suffering, like so many of those precious souls I had met overseas. The paper was the pages of a broken heart, the ink was my tears, and the professor would be the Holy Spirit.

As this though shot home to my spirit, I suddenly felt the arms of a loving Savior wrap around me, and I was enveloped by a peace that had never touched me before. While the pain in my heart would not go away, I slept an hour in the peace of the Holy Spirit before it was time to leave for the airport.

I arrived home just after noon to find a house full of people. Suddenly, I recalled a piece of paper my wife, Debbie, and I had discovered. Of all things, Jeff had written a little will a few months ago. We thought it was so cute we decided to save it and give it to him when he was older: "When I die I am 100 percent sure I will go to heaven. I was saved in Indiana in a church called Berean Baptist Church on July 6, 1980. It wasn't that hard to understand except that He loved us all, but I got through it. When I die I want everybody me or my family knows to come to my funeral. Especially my best friends...I will miss all of you."

Jeff had never mentioned this will, but now it was obvious that the Holy Spirit had prompted it. More than 600 people attended the funeral, and several accepted Christ during the service. Since then, nearly 100 more have met the Savior as a direct result of Jeff's death and his written will.

When I had prayed for God to show me the meaning of suffering, I never dreamed it would mean the loss of my own son. Yet I realize I never would have understood suffering without going though such a wrenching experience. When I work now with Christians in restricted countries and meet those who have been imprisoned for their faith, I felt a deep bond that cannot be put into words.

When friends kept their distance after the funeral, not knowing what to say and reluctant to get close, I understood a little of what released Christian prisoners go through when they are shunned by their neighbors. And by our family's being a living testimony to the comforting love of Jesus, I discovered what a Christian witness means in the midst of sorrow.

My son was taken from me without my consent, but God willingly gave His Son to die for our sins. In the university of suffering, the depth of that love is the greatest lesson of all.

Adapted from "News Brief with Brother Andrew," a publication of Open Doors with Brother Andrew

Open Doors with Brother Andrew is a front-line ministry dedicated to helping Christians live under persecution.

Letting Go

This was at Grandma Elsie's.

Letting Go
The angels gathered near your bed
So very close to you
For they knew the pain and suffering
That you were going through

I thought about so many things
As I held tightly to your hand
Oh, how I wished that you were strong
And happy once again

But your eyes were looking homeward
To that place beyond the sky
Where Jesus held His outstretched arms
It was time to say "goodbye"

I struggled with my selfish thoughts
For I wanted you to stay
So we could walk and talk again
Like we did just yesterday

But Jesus knew the answer
And I knew He loved you so
So I gave to you life's greatest gift
The gift of letting go

Now my heart will carry memories
Of the love you gave to me
Until we meet again in Heaven
Where the best is yet to be

Just for you (well, for me)

K sent this on 8/20/2017. Here's how he prefaced it:  "Promised I would respect your request for normalcy. I get a failing grade. Heard this song a little while ago. From my perspective this song is multidimensional (bunch of dots after it-.............)

I replied: "I didn't mean you"

Here are the lyrics to this Lionel Richie song. I have NEVER heard it before.

Golden days

Night was play

Pain was all a world away

We went to school

We learned the rules

We trusted all they had to say

Then life took a turn

We all had to learn

And we can't go back again

And my heart is breaking

Just for you

Just for you

And my arms are open

Just for you

Just for you

Just for you

God was God

And dreams were dreams

Life was all cake and ice cream

Truth was true

And lies were lies

And we thought love would never die

But the world moved on

My illusions gone

And I don't know who to blame

And my heart is breaking

Just for you

Just for you

And my arms are open

Just for you

Just for you

And these tears I'm crying are for you

Just for you

Just for you

I'm looking for protection

Give me shelter from the storm

I just hope this light inside me

Keeps me strong

And my heart is breaking

Just for you

Just for you

And these tears I'm crying are for you

Just for you

Just for you

Just for you

Oh my heart is breaking

And my arms are open

Oh these tears I'm crying are just for you

Oh yeah

I am a God Who heals

Jaime sent me this yesterday. It's from Jesus Calling which I have heard is questionable. I still like parts of it though.

I am a God who heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is absolute that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more-much more-available to those who ask.

The first step in receiving healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numerous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. When the time is right, I prompt you to ask for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restoration that has begun.

I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person's life. Even my servant Paul was told, "My grace is sufficient for you," when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask and you will receive.

Still the lucky one

I was looking up a post on the FB page for Luminous Light Studio and got caught up on some other ones as well. Here they are:

The language of grief

is spoken in silence.

Often through tears

and insurmountable pain

but it is also spoken in great love.

For every tear wept

and every ounce of pain felt,

love is felt tenfold.

-Jessi Snapp

Some nights,

I stop to stare at the stars.

I look up and whisper your name,

ever so gently.

For as long as the stars burn in the

night sky, my love for you

burns just as bright.

-Jessi Snapp

You are the reason I keep living onward.

-LLS

Part of post from the weekend:

This time of year, my heart always aches. But I know I'm still the lucky one. No matter how hard it is. He's mine. He will always be mine. And I'm the lucky one who gets to live a rich and beautiful life because he taught me how. And one day I'll get to hold him again and tell him just how grateful and how damn lucky I am to be his momma. And after all this time I would still choose him and do it all over again. Because after all this time love still grows in the deepest parts of my heart that have been carved out just for him.  -LLS

Up North

Whoa-the title itself just says so much. I am a little behind on this, but I'll try to catch up.

I guess I'll start when Dad got back from Orlando. That reminds me-I pretty much talked/texted K the whole weekend because I was alone. It was so fun. It was actually amazing. That is almost an understatement.

Back to Dad getting back. We were discussing having a joint session with Dave the counselor. Dad made a mistake with this and thought it meant there was some hope for our marriage. I mainly wanted the joint session so Dave could tell Dad that he can't save the marriage on his own-it has to be both of us. When Dad found this out (not the detail part of it) he basically wanted to give up and said I have the ability to divorce him without his consent and to just go ahead with it.

We started discussing a divorce in a rational manner, trying to figure out logistics, etc. We were even suggesting other people we could date. Ironically enough, Dad said I should date K. I don't remember when I had this discussion with K, but I wrote something out to tell him about the divorce and how Dad even said I should date him. (I might have written about it. I'm going to check. Just did-it's called "There." I also mentioned some of the above in that post. Oh well.) Side note-Dad was still willing to go Up North.

I'm trying to think of which night was which. I think it was Monday of that week because we had to go pick up Chelsea's car from the Bushes'. I had written the thing out for K. and then came back to the office after getting the car because I still needed to place the Sunday School order before I left town. That's when I called him and read "There".

The next night, Tuesday night, Dad was in a weird mood and got up and left. I took the opportunity to call K and partway through the phone call, K said the Dad was texting him. I remember this distinctly, before K hung up with me, he told me that "everything was going to be ok." Bottom line is, Dad told him that he knew we had been texting since we got back from Florida. I didn't know how much he knew or how he even knew. Trying to think now. He came home and he was super mad and said he wasn't going Up North. And then he said he wanted to call Grandma Joonie and the kids to tell them why he wasn't coming Up North-because of what he found out about me and K. (By the way, K denied having any feelings for me and that I misunderstood the friendship/relationship). I begged him not to call and was trying to convince him to just come Up North anyway. He insisted and we had a horrible conversation via speaker phone and upset all of them. This is the first the kids had heard of what was going on with me and K and it killed me for them to find out that way. They were all very mad that Dad called because they were having a nice vacation. During the phone call, my mom told Dad he shouldn't have called and asked him how he was going to get me Up North. She basically was telling him it was his responsibility to get me up there. I was thankful and proud of her for doing that for me. She also told him that we had problems before K and that it wasn't K's fault. Dad finally agreed to go Up North.

After all this, I wanted to call K. I just wanted to talk to him myself and clear the air if there were any misunderstandings. I just told Dad I was calling K and went into Carter's room and shut the door. It was kind of funny-I kept laughing about it. We had an amazing conversation. It was much longer than I thought it would be and he kept thinking of more things to talk about. At the end of the conversation, I asked him if I got a divorce if he would consider dating me. He said in a really cute voice, "I don't know." And then I said, "That wasn't a no!" It was cute. He told me that the person he had dated before his accident had been married the whole time and wasn't going to get a divorce. That explained to me why he was ok with texting me and not being weird about it being at weird times, etc. and having to hang up quickly sometimes. (He also said she and her kids stayed with him after his accident and that it was hard when they broke up because he never saw the kids again).

It was about midnight by then, and Dad and I were both jazzed up so we decided to leave for Up North when we were done packing. We left town at 2 am. It was a very awkward ride and Dad looked like he was going to explode. I was afraid to fall asleep because I didn't want him to fall asleep. He went from being kind of friendly to really angry the whole trip. I tried to stand my ground. He broke me down though when we were in Houghton. That stunk because then I was crying right before we saw the kids. We got to the Kamp at 12:30 pm. At some point, he banned me from talking to or texting K or he would spill the beans to church people early and ruin my chances of helping with Jon and Janette's wedding.

When we first got to the Kamp, I joked with the kids about how mom's a slut or how I had a boyfriend. Carter brushed it off, but Hope was so mad at me. That hurt. She didn't want to talk about it for a while. We finally worked it out after a while-I told her that I would stop liking him if she wanted me to and that she was more important to me than any man.

We were bickering on and off the rest of Wednesday. I was still sticking to the divorce and even contacted Kaisa about how she was able to file the papers. Dad and I went to bed angry that night. Thursday morning, I woke up to this unbelievable group text that Dad had sent out overnight to my mom, sisters, K, and the Wonderstruck ladies. I was horrified! He was basically pleading for them to pray for me not to go ahead with the divorce. I was livid! He didn't include his family on the text because they didn't know what was going on at all. At that point, he went inside the Kamp and I stayed in the bunkhouse. I wanted to call K and try to explain what was going on. He and I had a nice conversation. He's so understanding.

I went in the Kamp and everyone was sitting in the living room. Hope was mad at me that I was talking to K while I was supposed to be on my vacation with them. I basically went into the room and announced that K and I were just friends. After that, we had a family discussion that my mom lead to try to break down the problems Dad had been causing. He basically denied everything and kept pointing the finger at everyone else. My mom broke him down though and the kids shared a lot of things and I shared a lot of things, especially from the time of your accident. I surprised myself at how much anger and pain I still had about how I was treated at that time. After a while, Dad kind of broke down and asked if I would hold out on the divorce. I agreed at the time not to rush it when we got back to town, and everyone was relieved.

The rest of that day was weird. It was rainy so I hung out in the bunkhouse. That was where "so nice" came about. I talked to K a few more times on the phone-he was trying to help me figure out the clock radio. It was cute. We all went to eat and then we stopped at the store after. I kept feeling that Dad was smothering me though-he wouldn't leave me alone in the store, etc. I confessed to Hope that I was worried because I wasn't used to him being nice to me. I started getting really sad that the past 20 years didn't have to be as bad as they were if he was capable at that time of behaving better. We went to bed pretty angry again. (I was exhausted by the way because this was 2 nights in a row with no sleep. A third night in a row was to come).

Dad woke me up in the middle of the night all upset. He told me that the Lord revealed to him how horribly he had treated me over our entire marriage. It was hard to believe him at first, but all of the words he was saying were things that I knew had been happening all along. He said that I had done nothing wrong and that it was all him. He even said he would tell that to Pastor. We fell asleep for a little bit and thought we would wake up to see the sunrise, but slept through it.

Friday morning, we went into the Kamp and told my mom and Hope (after Annette left).Hope couldn't stop smiling. It was so cute. Then we told Carter when he woke up. We actually had the most perfect day together (all of us). We went to Copper Harbor for the day and had a lot of laughs in the car. That one day I thought, and have told many people, made up for a lot of bad years. I even thought to compare it to how one second in Heaven will wipe away all of the pain we experienced on earth. (I shared that thought with Pastor too.)

Everything went fine since then and we had a great ride home together, all 12 hours of it. There is more to tell from this week, but that's what happened Up North.

(Sidebar-on the way home we stopped at Touch of Finland and saw a portable sauna set up. It was so nice. We're planning on getting one at the end of the year. I would never have considered it if Dad and I weren't getting along. Praise God!)

Second sidebar-I told Dad I couldn't promise how everything would turn out after this. I still don't. Now that we're home, there have been some rough days. It doesn't help that this is your anniversary week either. Love you so much sweet boy!

Equivalent day

Today is the equivalent day. Never mind the actual date. This is Thursday. This is the night of the Pep Rally where they prayed for you two years ago. Last night was Wednesday night (obviously). Our dinner at Sonic. So glad it was just the 4 of us-quiet and peaceful. Like I told K in a text last night, we had no idea how much our lives would change in the next 12 hours.

I've seen lots of signs from you. It started yesterday when "Carry On" came on in the car. You've sent me lots of songs today-Forever Young, Come Thou Fount, In This Life, You Make My Dreams, Remember Me ("Remember, when your dreams have ended, time can be transcended").

Today on a business policy I was billing, I saw the phrase which I have never noticed before on any other policy: "Premium shown is payable at inception." We both know the significance of that word.

K sent me a quote he thought of. He was going to wait until the 20th/21st but decided to send it to me now: "Hayden is wrapped around your heart and he's there soothing and comforting you with every beat." How beautiful is that? Oh my gosh! I woke up to that. What a nice thing to wake up to, especially compared to the text I woke up to last Thursday Up North (I know-have to elaborate).

Anyway, I love you, and I miss you more than words can say. I wish you were here but I know you don't. You are home and I will see you when I get there. You just went on ahead. Thanks for being the best son ever (along with Carter). Always stay close to me. Thank you for improving my life while you were and for continuing to improve it. I know you brought K to me. I know you caused Dad to realize what he has done to me. Thank you! Love you!

The Lord will repay

This is jumping ahead of myself, but since Dad's "revelation", I have had a lot of mixed emotions of what I have had to endure (albeit unfairly) all these years. Thoughts came to me such as: there has to be a punishment doesn't there, I got screwed over and I did NOTHING wrong, I was cheated out of years of happiness, I am holding all the cards, I am owed something, I am expected to just welcome him back with open arms. He messed with me-my head, my heart, my life, my relationships, my self-esteem, and my well-being.

The next day when I saw these notes I scribbled down, I had one thing to say: The Lord will repay.

That reminds me that there was a Max Lucado devotional on this topic today or yesterday. I will look it up.

Here it is. It's from today.

God Will Do What Is Right
by Max Lucado

If you are rehashing the same hurt every chance you get with anyone who will listen, I have a question. Why are you doing God's work for him? "Vengeance is mine," God declared, "I will repay" (Hebrews 10:30). To assume the otherwise is to assume God can't do it. When we strike back we are saying, "I know vengeance is yours, God, but I just didn't think You would punish enough. I thought I'd better take this situation into my hands."

May I restate the obvious? If vengeance is God's, then it's not ours. God has not asked us to settle the score or get even. Ever. Forgiveness is not saying the one who hurt you was right. Forgiveness is stating that God is fair and he will do what is right. After all, don't we have enough things to do without trying to do God's work too?

Vivid dream of you

The night before last, I had the most vivid dream of you that I have ever had. It was like I was really with you again, and I actually believe I was. We were in a car together. I don't remember if you were driving or me, but I was looking at you and we were going to go to the Laws' for you to see them. Dad was there too, but I'm not sure what he was doing.

I know there isn't much to report, but I felt like I was actually with you and I think I was. Thank you for that! Love you!

Your song

There are a lot of songs I consider to be your song, but probably the most is "Carry On" by Fun.

Today when I got in the van to go home for lunch, the radio was jacked up for some reason on static. I am only in the van for a short time on my way home for lunch as you know. The static was bugging me, so I started scanning for stations. This song came on. Thank you!

You're Still You

Was inspired to look up these lyrics recently. There is so much to tell you!

You're Still You

by Josh Groban

Through the darkness

I can see your light

And you will always shine

And I can feel your heart in mine

Your face I've memorized

I've idolized just you

I look up to everything you are

In my eyes you do no wrong

I've loved you for so long

And after all is said and done

You're still you

After all, you're still you

You walk past me

 I can feel your pain

Time changes everything

One truth always stays the same

You're still you

After all, you're still you

I look up to everything you are

In my eyes you do no wrong

And I believe in you

Although you never asked me to

I will remember you and what life put you through

And in this cruel land

The only world I've found without hope

You're still you

After all, you're still you

May the angels lead you

KTB sent this to me in response to the FB post I shared with him from Susie F. regarding the scene of your accident. It's Catholic.

May the angels lead you into paradise; may the saints and martyrs receive you at your arrival and lead you to the holy city Jerusalem. May choirs of angels receive you and may you have eternal rest.

Not well

I've heard this story before, but it's nice to have.

When It Is Not Well With My Soul
by Kyle Petit

Driving to a meeting today, the song "It Is Well" came on my Spotify. I began to sing the words like normal but then began to think, 'what if it is not well with my soul.' Because if I'm honest, I've had a lot of time where I've almost lied, singing it is well, when my life was a complete train wreck. So what if it is not well with my soul.

I looked up the origin of the song and I hope it brings as much comfort to you as it did to me.

The version most of us have been singing lately is off Bethel's album, "You Make Me Brave." The original version of those words dates much older than 2014. In 1876 Horatio Spafford penned a hymn called "It Is Well With My Soul." He didn't write it as a shout of joy, he wrote it in his deepest pain.

Horatio Spafford was a successful lawyer and businessman in Chicago with a loving wife and five children. He had the American dream. But in 1871 the tears began to flow. Their youngest son caught pneumonia and died. Then a few months after that the great Chicago fire burnt down his business and they lost most of their wealth. Though they were able to rebuild the business, the tragedy continues in 1873. On a boat named the Ville du Harve that was set to sail from the U.S. to Europe, Mrs. Spafford and their four daughters set sail without Mr. Spafford, who had to stay a couple extra days for business. Four days into the journey the Ville du Harve collided with an iron-hulled ship. 12 minutes later, the Ville du Harve slipped beneath the dark waters of the Atlantic, carrying with it 226 of the 313 passengers, including the four Spafford girls. Only Mrs. Spafford survived on a floating piece of wreckage, She was rescued and telegraphed her husband telling him of the tragic news. He booked passage on the next ship to join his grieving wife.

Spafford wrote "It is well with my soul" on this journey to find his wife.

Alone on a ship, just after finding out that his four daughters had just died, just a couple years after he lost his youngest son and his entire business, he penned these words.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

It isn't a declaration that everything is ok, it's a shout that everything isn't, but my God is still in control. Singing it is well is a reminder that the old will pass away and the new WILL come. You might not have understanding about the deep hurts that you are experiencing, but I hope that you can turn to the God who comforts and the God who does understand.

Mrs. Spafford was quoted saying after her daughters passed, "God gave me four daughters. Now they have been taken away from me. Someday I will understand why."

Someday we will have the hard questions answered. Find hope that that day is coming.

"The peace of God which surpasses all understanding shall keep your hearts and your minds through Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:7

Spafford wrote these words to remind himself, that even in the deepest pain and grief, that my God is in control. That we can sing it is well, because in Jesus, it is well, it is well with my soul.

Cannot change

You cannot change someone who does not see an issue with their actions.

Beautify the humble

Psalm 149:4
For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the humble with salvation.

One morning

This was on Kendra W.'s page today. I needed this.

One morning she woke up different. Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn't have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn't bring her peace. She realized that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking, and loyalty wasn't a word, but a lifestyle. It was this day that her life changed. And not because of a man, or a job, but because she realized that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.

There

I wrote this out to tell K. I still am not sure how he took it. He just kept saying, "Wow!" Apparently he didn't realize that Dad and I were having problems. I'm glad I told him this. He's been kind of quiet since, but I'm glad it's out there.

"There's something I need to talk to you about. I was going to wait but I didn't want you to worry about my trip Up North or anything. I also don't want you to feel pressured or anything or feel like anything is your fault.

A week after we got back from Florida, I finally told Bill that I am done with our marriage and that I want out. We have had a troubled marriage to say the least and have tried counseling several times. We could never figure out why we, as two professing Christians, could not make our marriage work. We still don't know the answer to this.

At first when I told Bill this, he said he wouldn't agree to a divorce and that he wanted to still work on our marriage even tho I didn't. We see the same counselor separately (I started first and then he started in the summer). We had an appointment for a joint counseling session on August 17th. Before he left for Orlando, I told him that I didn't want to discuss our marriage until we were at the counseling appointment. Bill mistakenly took this as a sign of hope that maybe I was going to give our marriage another try.

When he got home last night, I wanted to make sure he knew nothing had changed. He basically said he would go ahead with the divorce. I asked him if we could keep it quiet for a while until we figured everything out, especially where church/Pastor was concerned. My main concern was still being able to help with the wedding decorations on August 19th and I really wanted Carter to get baptized before any of us were asked to leave church.

At first, he wouldn't agree to this which made me very upset, especially because I wanted to help with the wedding. Then he left for a few hours. When he came back, we started talking about everything. It was bad at first but then the conversation improved and we figured a lot of things out. He also agreed to keep things quiet for a while to give us time to deal with everything.

I'm telling you this because, when all was said and done, Bill told me that I should date you once the divorce was final. Just so you know, he doesn't know about anything that's been going on between us since we came back from FL and I think it's best to keep it that way. He also said that maybe that's the reason we met you. I would have to agree with him. Please don't take too long to respond."

Not lonely

Loneliness doesn't come from being alone. It comes from feeling that nobody cares.

Not stupid

I'm a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you again.

Part of it

I thought of this in regards to K.

I don't need to be your life, I just want to be a part of it.

The plan

The plan for your life far exceeds the circumstances of today.

Never an excuse

A bad mood is never an excuse to use cruel words. Never. Moods pass, but cruel words wound the soul.

Sufficient

God has every right to say no to us. We have every reason to say thanks to Him. His grace is sufficient.

Unfailingly, unquestionably good

Was going through some papers yesterday and came across the bulletin from your one-year memorial service. The outline of Pastor's message was on the back. Here is an excerpt and some Bible verses.

God is unfailingly, unquestionably good, even when bad things happen. We might not understand-but note that God does not demand that we understand. He obligates us to trust Him as implicitly as a small child trusts His mom and dad. When walking in a dark place, all we need to know is that He is our hand, and we have His. That is the place of comfort and security. Striking out on your own at that age is clearly not a wise idea; nor is it wise as an adult to think you are going to make it in life-really make it-without God.

(At the bottom it said): Heaven is a place for "Christians only." Only those who know the owner of the place are permitted in. Strangers are not.

John 3:16: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

John 14:6: Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

Isaiah 61:1-5
The Good News of Salvation (you know I love it when they have little titles)
"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

And they shall rebuild the old ruins,
They shall raise up the former desolations,
And they shall repair the ruined cities,
The desolations of many generations.
Strangers shall stand and feed your flocks,
And the sons of the foreigner
Shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.

My daughter

I have been carrying a tremendous amount of guilt and shame since I had my discussion with Dad that I wanted out of this marriage. I also have been feeling tremendous guilt about my blossoming relationship with K.

I've turned this over and over again in my head. I've had all kinds of thoughts from a sense of relief to "what have I done?" What lead me to the decision was several thoughts I discussed with several people all week from the kids to the Bible Study ladies to my mom. I've always struggled with the person being more important than the institution. And even my counselor said that God gives us parameters to help us not to harm us. I often think of the example of Jesus healing someone on the Sabbath and the Pharisees getting angry about that. Keeping the Sabbath is important, but healing someone's infirmity is more important. Same with if your animal falls into a pit on the Sabbath. Are you going to leave that animal to suffer because you're not supposed to work on the Sabbath? No! Jesus transcends the law.

Another example I thought of was when a mother told her son to wait for her in a certain spot until she came back for him. Neither one of them knew he was standing over a bee hive. He got stung over and over again because he was trying to obey his mom. When she came back, she was horrified. To her, her son's safety and well-being was more important than the obedience. The obedience is meant to help us. It's for our own good.

Today I was feeling awful when I was helping J. with her wedding decorations. I kept feeling like, here I am helping with this wedding when I have told my husband that I want a divorce and I'm texting/talking to another man. When I was leaving, I whispered I would miss the church when all of this comes to light.

I was struggling with these thoughts on the way home, about how I have tried to ask for help but nobody would help me. I was just told that I must have been doing something wrong. The thought crossed my mind-what if Hope came to me and told me that her husband was mistreating her? Would I brush her off and tell her she's doing something wrong and to go back and try to save her marriage? At that moment, I would tell her to get away from him-that her well-being is more important than saving the marriage. I wouldn't even hesitate!

This made me very sad, because I am God's daughter. He doesn't want me to stay in a situation where I'm getting hurt. He loves me too much. And even the re-marriage thing. Why should someone be punished for bad choices someone else made? "You made the wrong choice, and because of what you did, you can never make yourself happy or anyone else for as long as you live." God is not a God of punishment-He is a God of forgiveness.That's why He sent His Son.

I know you're not supposed to take that for granted and misbehave. I know that. I know I am being mistreated-it's not just because I don't want to do what my husband says. It's different than that. I can recognize that. I'm not stupid. I know the difference. I am a Christian. I can recognize bad behavior. I can't excuse it anymore and be told it's not happening and just keep putting up with it.

(I have to admit I'm a little disappointed with how these words are coming out. They seemed more powerful in my head). I am thankful for the thoughts though, and I believe they are from God. It makes me mad that Dad and Pastor have treated me this way and have essentially not believed what I was saying. Thank God for my counselor and other supportive friends and family.

It's just like God to turn something around like this. I felt like I couldn't reconcile what was going on with God and it made me feel horrible as it should have. Even though I will still be punished for what I have done, it makes me feel better that I have it worked out with God. Thank you Lord for always answering my prayers.

Quote build-up

If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war within yourself.

Love people so well they ask you why.

Only God knows why.

Romans 8:31:  What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

I wanted to know how much you love Me and how much you trust Me.

Stars Align Productions

So afraid of an "unknown" that we will stay in a horrible "known." i.e. abused child reluctant to leave an abusive parent

Be careful about rushing God's timing. You never know who or what he's protecting you from.
-Toby Mac

John 13:7: You don't understand now what I'm doing, but someday you will.

(NKJV) John 13:7: Jesus answered and said to him, "What I am doing you don't understand now, but you will know after this."

You gotta stop watering dead plants.

"What if I fall"
Oh, but my darling
What if you fly?
-Eric Hanson Moore

Don't complain about things you're not willing to change.

The 3 C's in life: Choice, Chance, Change
You must make the choice,
to take the chance,
If you want anything in life to change.

I think I'll miss you forever, like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies.

You will never have to force anything that's truly meant to be.

In dating and courtship relationships, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you.

Always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. -Winnie the Pooh

Never stop being you.

It's really okay, for there to be times when you stop putting everyone else first and just do what's best for you.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you do know better, do better.
-Maya Angelou

Stop making people feel bad for liking things that make them happy.

Guard your time fiercely. Be generous with it, but be intentional about it.

Amy G.

In the situation that I currently find myself in, I decided to look up information from Amy G. and her divorce. Here are some things she has said about it.

I didn't get a divorce because "I had a great marriage and then along came Vince Gill." Gary and I had a rocky road from day one. I think what was so hard-and this is what one of our counselors said-sometimes an innocent party can come into a situation, and they're like a big spotlight. What they do is reveal, by comparison, the painful dynamics that are already in existence.

Article about her.

she could no longer fight for something she didn't believe in

divorce was a very difficult thing for her to face given that she is such a faithful Christian

...in the end they entered into divorce mediation guided by their church as well. Some people simply don't belong together and after 16 years of struggle the two had to admit defeat. Amy was ready to let
go, Gary was not. So she filed for divorce in 1999 citing irreconcilable differences. It is remarkable how long they worked on their marriage, how long they persisted, yet in the end it was to no avail.