I probably could have added this to the post about Sharon from Rydeon, but I feel it is deserving of its own post and fits in well with the timeline. I was so touched she gave me a card back-I was not expecting that! I love her!
May 2016.
Dear Andrea,
I cannot thank you enough for your beautiful card and message. Words cannot convey how sorry I am that your family had to experience such a tragic loss. No family should ever have to go through what you have gone through. It means a great deal to me that you have found some solice at Ryde On, and that you are able to get some release from your grief. I lost my mom suddenly 3 years ago and it was shortly after that, that I decided to dedicate my efforts to health and fitness. It helped me a great deal and gave me energy to deal with tough days.
Our family follows the Jewish faith and although we don't "practice" in the traditional way, I have always believed in a higher power that guides us and gets us through. I am so happy you have your faith to act as your guide and support, especially in those tough days. I have included a cross with this note. It was found in our home in Holland 8 years ago when we first moved in. I remember questioning what I should do with it. Ultimately, I kept it and placed it back where I found it. 6 years later as we were now preparing to move out, I found it again. I felt compelled to take with it with me. It has now journeyed to 3 countries and until now has sat vigil next to my mom's photo in our cabinet. After reading your card, the first thing that popped in to my head was the cross. For some reason, I feel like it was meant for you. So, I hope you don't mind but I would like you to have it.
May each day that pass give you the strength to live a happy and healthy life. There is no question in my heart that Hayden would have wanted that for you.
Love,
Sharon XX
The cross she gave me was a metal silver crucifix with Jesus on the cross. It's very nice. I love her and I LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Depressing quotes
I am sorry but they are! Felt the need to record them anyway-feeling very lost lately.They are all from the Facebook page, I Am A Mother To An Angel.
Losing a child is like losing your soul. You may put on a front for the world but, inside you are dying.
I'm missing you and it's killing me.
I have heard it said that the greatest loss a human being can experience is the loss of a child. This is true. It doesn't just change you, it demolishes you. -Gloria Vanderbilt
You don't know why you're exhausted? You're fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that's not exhausting, I don't know what is.
That song from Rydeon
A few weeks ago, Sharon had an amazing song on that I totally got into but didn't know how to track down the title or any information about it. To make my Memorial Day ride even better, she played that song again and the band name was on the screen in front, so I tracked it down at home. It's beautiful! I played it for Hope and for Grandma Joonie. Here it is:
Like A River Runs
by Bleachers
I woke up thinking you were still here
My hands shaking with regret
I've held this dream for such a long long time
And I wanna get up
To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart
That beats, that beats like a rolling drum
I saw you standing on the corner
I saw you standing on your own
And I get the feeling that it's all, it's all a dream
And I wanna get up
To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart
That beats, that beats like a drum
When I fall asleep I can see your face
What I lost in you I cannot replace
And I could run away, I could let them down
But I will remember your light
Your light it follows me in darkness
I'm trying hard but I can't win
And I've played the victim for a long, long time
And I wanna grow up
From the rhythm of a young, from the rhythm of a younger heart
It leads just like a river runs
Tonight I sit over the parkway
The summer's gone and I'm alone
And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close
And I wanna get up
To the rhythm of your wild, to the rhythm of your wild heart
It beats, been beating since you've gone
When I fall asleep I can see your face
What I lost in you I will not replace
And I could run away, I could let them down
But I will remember
When I fall asleep I can see your face
What I lost in you I will not replace
And I could run away, I could let them down
And I know you're gone but I still I will remember your light
I will remember (x4)
And if you see me in the darkness
I hope you know I'm not alone
I carry you with every breath I take
I won't let up, I won't let up
Until the wind is gone
Memorial Day
I was thinking in church the other day about how people who died for our freedom are honored on Memorial Day. That is not a new thought, but the freedoms they provided for us are, unfortunately, temporary.
That made me wonder if in heaven there is an equivalent honor for Christians whose death resulted in many, many people coming to Christ and resulting in eternal freedom/pardon from sin (like your death). Even though it wasn't voluntary like military service is, knowing the risks, but we as Christians commit our lives to Christ and ask Him to use us how he sees fit. Even though you and we wouldn't choose this (I don't think soldiers and their families would choose to die either), it happened nonetheless and great good can and did come from it.
If this is the case, how much more would you be exalted for eternity? The greatest reward of it, of course, is seeing that many more people in heaven because of you, but maybe there is extra special honor bestowed on you for giving up your life so that others may have eternal life. I am not trying to exalt you to Christ-like status, but it could be the same idea.
This thought brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't even get through the first hymn which was "Amazing Grace" (it didn't help that we sung that at your service). Then the last verse was sung a cappella which gets me anyway when it's sung to music, so I pretty much cried the whole time.
Something else Memorial-Day-related: On the way to church, Hope told me that Jake went to the lake house this weekend. I was really happy to hear that, but Hope said she already told me that over the weekend and I reacted to it, which I don't remember at all. I don't know if that was more disturbing that I don't remember her telling me or the thought that it upset me a little that Jake is getting over you. I want him to, of course. It's a weird feeling though. Like I don't want him to be able to have fun without you. How horrible of me to think that! He's been through so much! I sent him a nice text which he didn't reply to. Oh, well. Maybe it was hard to reply to. I just told him how happy I was to hear that he went to the lake house and that you would have been proud of him and so am I. I tried.
I also really wanted to go to your (hate the word grave) earthly place (where you aren't even really are). Anyway, I just felt the need to clean up since the cemetery would be pretty busy on Memorial Day and I didn't want that spot to look neglected. The whole time I was there pretty much I heard the cooing of your mourning dove. I wiped everything down with a wet rag I found in one of the vases there and went down to Laura Jack's grave and wiped the bird poop off of her headstone. When I came back, there was something on the clock Dad left and when I tried to brush it off it was a little toad! He hung around for a little while. It made me think of the toad that was in the house at Halloween which was SO weird and SO YOU!
Another special thing that happened was, as I was leaving, I took one last look towards your spot and there was a light that was on from one of the solar lanterns. It wasn't even that dark and no other ones were on but that little angel lantern one. It was very comforting. Thank you for that! Love you!
That made me wonder if in heaven there is an equivalent honor for Christians whose death resulted in many, many people coming to Christ and resulting in eternal freedom/pardon from sin (like your death). Even though it wasn't voluntary like military service is, knowing the risks, but we as Christians commit our lives to Christ and ask Him to use us how he sees fit. Even though you and we wouldn't choose this (I don't think soldiers and their families would choose to die either), it happened nonetheless and great good can and did come from it.
If this is the case, how much more would you be exalted for eternity? The greatest reward of it, of course, is seeing that many more people in heaven because of you, but maybe there is extra special honor bestowed on you for giving up your life so that others may have eternal life. I am not trying to exalt you to Christ-like status, but it could be the same idea.
This thought brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't even get through the first hymn which was "Amazing Grace" (it didn't help that we sung that at your service). Then the last verse was sung a cappella which gets me anyway when it's sung to music, so I pretty much cried the whole time.
Something else Memorial-Day-related: On the way to church, Hope told me that Jake went to the lake house this weekend. I was really happy to hear that, but Hope said she already told me that over the weekend and I reacted to it, which I don't remember at all. I don't know if that was more disturbing that I don't remember her telling me or the thought that it upset me a little that Jake is getting over you. I want him to, of course. It's a weird feeling though. Like I don't want him to be able to have fun without you. How horrible of me to think that! He's been through so much! I sent him a nice text which he didn't reply to. Oh, well. Maybe it was hard to reply to. I just told him how happy I was to hear that he went to the lake house and that you would have been proud of him and so am I. I tried.
I also really wanted to go to your (hate the word grave) earthly place (where you aren't even really are). Anyway, I just felt the need to clean up since the cemetery would be pretty busy on Memorial Day and I didn't want that spot to look neglected. The whole time I was there pretty much I heard the cooing of your mourning dove. I wiped everything down with a wet rag I found in one of the vases there and went down to Laura Jack's grave and wiped the bird poop off of her headstone. When I came back, there was something on the clock Dad left and when I tried to brush it off it was a little toad! He hung around for a little while. It made me think of the toad that was in the house at Halloween which was SO weird and SO YOU!
Another special thing that happened was, as I was leaving, I took one last look towards your spot and there was a light that was on from one of the solar lanterns. It wasn't even that dark and no other ones were on but that little angel lantern one. It was very comforting. Thank you for that! Love you!
Friday, May 27, 2016
Here Without You
This is the song I was trying to think of earlier, but the other one is fine too. Here it is:
Here Without You
by 3 Doors Down
A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand times have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah.
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh, yeah, yeah
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go (oh whoa)
It gets hard but it won't take away my love (oh whoa)
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa, oh, oh
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me
The Missing Piece
This is an article I came upon about that book by Shel Silverstein, "The Missing Piece." I think you had it on your shelf for a while. Here are excerpts from that this lady wrote about it when she was reading it to her kids. Her name is Rachael Boley.
The book begins:
It was missing a piece. And it was not happy. So it set off in search of its missing piece.
What strikes me again and again about this "incomplete circle" in search of it missing piece is that no matter what, the circle isn't fully satisfied. Even when it finally finds the perfect piece-the piece that understands it can both be its own piece and belong to the circle-there are things the circle can no longer do. Even when his empty space was perfectly filled, it shifted the other things he enjoyed before, which in turn leaves him feeling unhappy again.
In the end, the circle unloads the perfect piece and continues on singing the same song he sang in the beginning, searching for his missing piece.
It struck me that this incomplete circle lives inside each one of us. In some capacity, we are all constantly in search of our missing piece. Never satisfied. Always looking for something to fill our empty spaces. And always viewing ourselves as incomplete until we find it; yet still somehow dissatisfied when we do.
(At this point in the article, I was thinking that God is the only one who can fill this missing piece and, as I read on, I realized that she was heading that direction too. Yay!)
I spent a lot of time feeling incomplete. I filled that space with different things over the years and found that as long as it was me filling that space, I would always come up empty.
But one constant message in a book like this one is that no earthly thing can ever fill our empty spaces. We will search forever if we keep our eyes fixed down here. Even when we find exactly what we have always been looking for, we will not be happy.
We cannot find satisfaction or total fulfillment in another thing. It just isn't the way we were created.
Our problem is that we try to fill a God-shaped missing piece with things we can reach on our own. We search and we grasp. We stuff and we pile. We give whole pieces of ourselves to other things that even when they seem to fit perfectly into that space, can never satisfy the need. And so we stay empty. We keep searching.
What I have learned is that when I stop roving the ground and face my eyes upward, I find fulfillment. When I allow God to fill my empty places, I can be whole even when I'm broken. I can find joy even when pieces of me are missing.
God gives us people to help and love us through this life. And sometimes life happens, and we lose them.
God gives us things we enjoy to brighten our spirits. And sometimes those things don't work the way we hoped they would.
God gives us stuff to make life more comfortable. And sometimes life happens, and we lose them.
God gives us passions to pursue and missions to accomplish while we are here on this earth. And sometimes those things don't work the way we hoped they would either.
Life is messy. People are unreliable. Things break. Plans fall through. Stuff happens.
As long as we are waiting to find out "missing piece" in anything or anyone down here, we will always feel incomplete and unfulfilled. Even when God gives us all the desires of our heart, we will spit a piece back out and continue searching because we will have failed to look up, and we will therefore still feel lost.
In many ways, I feel like God has finally given me the biggest piece I have always searched for. I have found my missing piece. I am more whole and complete than I have ever been, and I am humbled and overflowing with gratitude because of it.
Yet, I am still on this journey too.
I don't want to be like the circle in this book. I don't want to gain all the missing pieces I've searched for only to spit them out because I still feel incomplete. I don't want to forget that it is God who fills me and it is God who makes me whole.
I can't make myself whole. Another person does not complete me. And my missing piece-the ominous feeling that exists within all of us no matter how complete and fulfilled we may be in worldly things-does not exist down here.
I continue to learn that it is only when I trust God with all of the pieces of my life that I know I am complete. It is only when I allow Him to fill me that I fully trust that I am missing nothing.
Stop searching.
Whatever piece you feel you are missing at this point in your journey, allow God to fill that space. He is the only one that can. After all, He IS the missing piece. When you find Him, everything else falls into place.
The book begins:
It was missing a piece. And it was not happy. So it set off in search of its missing piece.
What strikes me again and again about this "incomplete circle" in search of it missing piece is that no matter what, the circle isn't fully satisfied. Even when it finally finds the perfect piece-the piece that understands it can both be its own piece and belong to the circle-there are things the circle can no longer do. Even when his empty space was perfectly filled, it shifted the other things he enjoyed before, which in turn leaves him feeling unhappy again.
In the end, the circle unloads the perfect piece and continues on singing the same song he sang in the beginning, searching for his missing piece.
It struck me that this incomplete circle lives inside each one of us. In some capacity, we are all constantly in search of our missing piece. Never satisfied. Always looking for something to fill our empty spaces. And always viewing ourselves as incomplete until we find it; yet still somehow dissatisfied when we do.
(At this point in the article, I was thinking that God is the only one who can fill this missing piece and, as I read on, I realized that she was heading that direction too. Yay!)
I spent a lot of time feeling incomplete. I filled that space with different things over the years and found that as long as it was me filling that space, I would always come up empty.
But one constant message in a book like this one is that no earthly thing can ever fill our empty spaces. We will search forever if we keep our eyes fixed down here. Even when we find exactly what we have always been looking for, we will not be happy.
We cannot find satisfaction or total fulfillment in another thing. It just isn't the way we were created.
Our problem is that we try to fill a God-shaped missing piece with things we can reach on our own. We search and we grasp. We stuff and we pile. We give whole pieces of ourselves to other things that even when they seem to fit perfectly into that space, can never satisfy the need. And so we stay empty. We keep searching.
What I have learned is that when I stop roving the ground and face my eyes upward, I find fulfillment. When I allow God to fill my empty places, I can be whole even when I'm broken. I can find joy even when pieces of me are missing.
God gives us people to help and love us through this life. And sometimes life happens, and we lose them.
God gives us things we enjoy to brighten our spirits. And sometimes those things don't work the way we hoped they would.
God gives us stuff to make life more comfortable. And sometimes life happens, and we lose them.
God gives us passions to pursue and missions to accomplish while we are here on this earth. And sometimes those things don't work the way we hoped they would either.
Life is messy. People are unreliable. Things break. Plans fall through. Stuff happens.
As long as we are waiting to find out "missing piece" in anything or anyone down here, we will always feel incomplete and unfulfilled. Even when God gives us all the desires of our heart, we will spit a piece back out and continue searching because we will have failed to look up, and we will therefore still feel lost.
In many ways, I feel like God has finally given me the biggest piece I have always searched for. I have found my missing piece. I am more whole and complete than I have ever been, and I am humbled and overflowing with gratitude because of it.
Yet, I am still on this journey too.
I don't want to be like the circle in this book. I don't want to gain all the missing pieces I've searched for only to spit them out because I still feel incomplete. I don't want to forget that it is God who fills me and it is God who makes me whole.
I can't make myself whole. Another person does not complete me. And my missing piece-the ominous feeling that exists within all of us no matter how complete and fulfilled we may be in worldly things-does not exist down here.
I continue to learn that it is only when I trust God with all of the pieces of my life that I know I am complete. It is only when I allow Him to fill me that I fully trust that I am missing nothing.
Stop searching.
Whatever piece you feel you are missing at this point in your journey, allow God to fill that space. He is the only one that can. After all, He IS the missing piece. When you find Him, everything else falls into place.
Far Away
This song is on all the time but I love it and it makes me think of you (of course). Here it is:
Far Away
by Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know
you know, you know
(Chorus)
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
(Chorus)
So far away
Been far away for far too long
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Mortgages With A Heart
Wanted to tweak Dad's description of you on his website:
Hayden Smith was a bright light in the lives of his family, friends and the Saline community whose life ended at the age of 17. He had an incredible and contagious smile which made everyone he met immediately feel how special they were and made them feel comfortable in his presence. He cared about everyone, was very humble, and placed others' needs before his own. He was the best big brother to his sister, Hope, and brother, Carter, and oftentimes "took the back seat" to put their needs and wishes ahead of his own.
Even at his young age, Hayden had an amazing sense of people's feelings and responded to them and encouraged them in kind. He had a high emotional IQ which was noticed by all who met him. He also had the heart of a giver and volunteered through many local organizations such as Interact in which he participated in Meals on Wheels, Habitat for Humanity and Food Gatherers. Hayden took his volunteering to a global level during his senior year by spending a week of his Christmas break in Haiti as part of his Senior Capstone Class, assisting the organization Poured Out by installing water filters for families and communities. That trip made a huge impact on Hayden and he intended to go back to Haiti to further contribute by using his film talent to promote the organization and its efforts, but God had other plans for him. Hayden was able to make a final gift of his organs to Gift of Life which has made a huge difference in the lives and families of five recipients.
Hayden also loved the sport of water polo. Not only was he one of the best water polo players in the state, he also utilized his time and talent by coaching elementary and middle school-age teams and clinics through Wolverine Water Polo. Hayden was actually on his way to coach one of these early morning sessions when his auto accident occurred. After the accident, I was overwhelmed by personal Facebook messages, texts and emails from parents sharing how much their son or daughter was impacted by Hayden and how sorry they were to hear about his accident. What better feedback could a parent ask for?
The goal of "Mortgages With A Heart" is to carry on Hayden's amazing spirit and legacy by supporting organizations that were special to him and to his family. Thank you for partnering with me to make this happen!
(Other part before this):
"Mortgages With A Heart" was created in honor of our oldest son, Hayden Smith, who passed away on August 21, 2015 at the age of 17 years and 10 months from injuries sustained in an auto accident.
Hayden was truly a selfless person who loved helping others. In order to carry on his loving, selfless, kind-hearted spirit, I created "Mortgages With A Heart." Every loan that I close, I will give a portion of my commission to charities that were important to Hayden and to us as a family. Not only will I be giving, but this website will link others to the charities' websites for direct donations.
Thank you in advance for your participation!
-Bill Smith, proud father of Hayden
Change question to: "Are you ready to be part of something bigger than just the average mortgage transaction?"
The Life and Legacy of Hayden M. Smith
(do we have to have "M." in it?)
Hayden Smith was a bright light in the lives of his family, friends and the Saline community whose life ended at the age of 17. He had an incredible and contagious smile which made everyone he met immediately feel how special they were and made them feel comfortable in his presence. He cared about everyone, was very humble, and placed others' needs before his own. He was the best big brother to his sister, Hope, and brother, Carter, and oftentimes "took the back seat" to put their needs and wishes ahead of his own.
Even at his young age, Hayden had an amazing sense of people's feelings and responded to them and encouraged them in kind. He had a high emotional IQ which was noticed by all who met him. He also had the heart of a giver and volunteered through many local organizations such as Interact in which he participated in Meals on Wheels, Habitat for Humanity and Food Gatherers. Hayden took his volunteering to a global level during his senior year by spending a week of his Christmas break in Haiti as part of his Senior Capstone Class, assisting the organization Poured Out by installing water filters for families and communities. That trip made a huge impact on Hayden and he intended to go back to Haiti to further contribute by using his film talent to promote the organization and its efforts, but God had other plans for him. Hayden was able to make a final gift of his organs to Gift of Life which has made a huge difference in the lives and families of five recipients.
Hayden also loved the sport of water polo. Not only was he one of the best water polo players in the state, he also utilized his time and talent by coaching elementary and middle school-age teams and clinics through Wolverine Water Polo. Hayden was actually on his way to coach one of these early morning sessions when his auto accident occurred. After the accident, I was overwhelmed by personal Facebook messages, texts and emails from parents sharing how much their son or daughter was impacted by Hayden and how sorry they were to hear about his accident. What better feedback could a parent ask for?
The goal of "Mortgages With A Heart" is to carry on Hayden's amazing spirit and legacy by supporting organizations that were special to him and to his family. Thank you for partnering with me to make this happen!
(Other part before this):
"Mortgages With A Heart" was created in honor of our oldest son, Hayden Smith, who passed away on August 21, 2015 at the age of 17 years and 10 months from injuries sustained in an auto accident.
Hayden was truly a selfless person who loved helping others. In order to carry on his loving, selfless, kind-hearted spirit, I created "Mortgages With A Heart." Every loan that I close, I will give a portion of my commission to charities that were important to Hayden and to us as a family. Not only will I be giving, but this website will link others to the charities' websites for direct donations.
Thank you in advance for your participation!
-Bill Smith, proud father of Hayden
Change question to: "Are you ready to be part of something bigger than just the average mortgage transaction?"
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Out of them ALL
Jaime sent me this verse the other day. Hers was the NIV, but I also looked up the NKJV. Here are both versions:
Psalm 34:19: The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one.
Psalm 34:19: Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all
Praise God! Love you boy!
Psalm 34:19: The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one.
Psalm 34:19: Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all
Praise God! Love you boy!
See You Again
This song is on all the time. I love it! Can't wait to see you again!
See You Again
by Wiz Khalifa
(feat. Charlie Puth)
(Charlie Puth:)
It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
(Hey)
(Wiz Khalifa:)
Damn, who knew?
All the planes we flew
Good things we've been through
That I'll be standing right here talking to you
'Bout another path
I know we loved to hit the road and laugh
But something told me that it wouldn't last
Had to switch up
Look at things different, see the bigger picture
Those were the days
Hard work forever pays
Now I see you in a better place (see you in a better place)
Uh
How can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you gon' be with me for the last ride
(Charlie Puth:)
It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again (I see you again)
We've come a long way (yeah, we came a long way) from where we began (you know we started)
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again (let me tell you)
When I see you again
(Aah oh, aah oh
Wooooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Yeah
(Wiz Khalifa:)
First you both go out your way
And the vibe is feeling strong
And what's small turn to a friendship
A friendship turn to a bond
And that bond will never be broken
The love will never get lost (and the love will never get lost)
And when brotherhood comes first
Then the line will never be crossed
Established it on our own
When that line had to be drawn
And that line is what we reach
So remember me when I'm gone (remember me when I'm gone)
How can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you gon' be with me for the last ride
(Charlie Puth:)
So let the light guide your way, yeah
Hold every memory as you go
And every road you take, will always lead you home, home
It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
(Aah oh)
(Uh)
(Aah oh)
(Yeah)
(Wooooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Ya, ya)
When I see you again
(Uh)
See you again
(Wooooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Yeah, yeah, uh-huh)
When I see you again
Wake Me Up
This song always reminds me of water polo. I don't think it was from your senior year, it might have been your junior year-the same year that they played "Safe and Sound" a lot. I think of Lucas Allen though when I hear this but that would be the wrong year since he is Jake's age. Oh, well. It is a cool song regardless:
Wake Me Up
Avicii (?)
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Will life pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me
(2x)
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize
(2x)
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)
I Could Not Ask For More
This song has no special significance but I think it applies. It's by Edwin McCain.
I Could Not Ask For More
by Edwin McCain
Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
(Chorus)
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
(Chorus)
I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more
I love A.W. Tozer
"Trying to be happy without a sense of God's presence is like trying to have a bright day without the sun."
"Prayer will become effective when we stop using it as a substitute for obedience."
"If you have the smile of God, what does it matter if you have the frown of men?"-Leonard Ravenhill
"Jesus Christ knows the worst about you. Nonetheless, He is the one who loves you the most."
(Note to self: Look up post about God is easy to live with)
God Is Easy To Live With
The fellowship of God is delightful beyond all telling. He communes with His redeemed ones in an easy, uninhibited fellowship that is restful and healing to the soul. He is not sensitive or selfish nor temperamental. What He is today we shall find Him tomorrow and the next day and the next year. He is not hard to please, though He may be hard to satisfy. He expects of us only what He Himself first supplied...
How good would it be if we could learn that God is easy to live with. He remembers our frame and knows that we are dust. He may sometimes chasten us, it is true, but even this He does with a smile, the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising son who is coming every day to look more and more like the One whose child he is.
We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything and loves us still.
"Prayer will become effective when we stop using it as a substitute for obedience."
"If you have the smile of God, what does it matter if you have the frown of men?"-Leonard Ravenhill
"Jesus Christ knows the worst about you. Nonetheless, He is the one who loves you the most."
(Note to self: Look up post about God is easy to live with)
God Is Easy To Live With
The fellowship of God is delightful beyond all telling. He communes with His redeemed ones in an easy, uninhibited fellowship that is restful and healing to the soul. He is not sensitive or selfish nor temperamental. What He is today we shall find Him tomorrow and the next day and the next year. He is not hard to please, though He may be hard to satisfy. He expects of us only what He Himself first supplied...
How good would it be if we could learn that God is easy to live with. He remembers our frame and knows that we are dust. He may sometimes chasten us, it is true, but even this He does with a smile, the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising son who is coming every day to look more and more like the One whose child he is.
We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything and loves us still.
Two in a row
In my devotional book I read at night, there were two good passages in a row (I peeked ahead at the one for tomorrow), so I thought I would share them:
The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing. -Madeline L'Engle
Sometimes it seems that this grief we are experiencing is the only unbearable thing.
But think-if we had no one we loved enough to mourn for, how flat, how terrible, our lives would be.
And this particular person...what would our life have been without this one whom we loved so much? Was it worth the pain we are experiencing to have had this loved one for the time that we did?
Yes, but-
Of course. This grief is not to be dismissed by some attempted appeal to reason. Not now. Not ever. But it may help from time to time to look on the underside of this pain-as one lifts a leaf to look at the silvery underside-and note what riches we have had in the life of this one whose death we mourn.
Sometime down the road-and when that will be is as variable as the people who mourn-the grief will be on the underside and the sense of blessing and gratitude will be the bright surface, luminous and green.
Sometimes the pain is overwhelming, I will try to surround myself with the memory of love.
Second one:
I wouldn't mind dying young...I've had a full life already. -Mary Hickman
We who have lost loved ones through sudden accidents find ourselves scouring our memories for portents. Were there are clues, any indicators, that something terrible like the might happen? If we can find them, perhaps they inject a measure of meaning into a life thrown into chaos. On some subconscious level did our loved one know?
My daughter made that statement, casually, during the months preceding her sudden death at sixteen in a horseback-riding accident. "Mary!" I said. "One world at a time."
After she died I remembered her words. Had she known better than I? And what is going on, that it may be possible to have some vague foreknowledge of an event like that?
If that is possible, what other unfathomable mysteries exist in a universe of which we may know only the smallest fragment?
These "signs and wonders" do not mitigate the sorrow of loss, but they may give us hope that on some level a Transcendent Scheme is at work and knows what it's doing.
I will keep my mind open to all possibilities of knowledge and faith.
(Had to look up portents: sign or warning that something, especially something momentous or calamitous, is likely to happen)
The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing. -Madeline L'Engle
Sometimes it seems that this grief we are experiencing is the only unbearable thing.
But think-if we had no one we loved enough to mourn for, how flat, how terrible, our lives would be.
And this particular person...what would our life have been without this one whom we loved so much? Was it worth the pain we are experiencing to have had this loved one for the time that we did?
Yes, but-
Of course. This grief is not to be dismissed by some attempted appeal to reason. Not now. Not ever. But it may help from time to time to look on the underside of this pain-as one lifts a leaf to look at the silvery underside-and note what riches we have had in the life of this one whose death we mourn.
Sometime down the road-and when that will be is as variable as the people who mourn-the grief will be on the underside and the sense of blessing and gratitude will be the bright surface, luminous and green.
Sometimes the pain is overwhelming, I will try to surround myself with the memory of love.
Second one:
I wouldn't mind dying young...I've had a full life already. -Mary Hickman
We who have lost loved ones through sudden accidents find ourselves scouring our memories for portents. Were there are clues, any indicators, that something terrible like the might happen? If we can find them, perhaps they inject a measure of meaning into a life thrown into chaos. On some subconscious level did our loved one know?
My daughter made that statement, casually, during the months preceding her sudden death at sixteen in a horseback-riding accident. "Mary!" I said. "One world at a time."
After she died I remembered her words. Had she known better than I? And what is going on, that it may be possible to have some vague foreknowledge of an event like that?
If that is possible, what other unfathomable mysteries exist in a universe of which we may know only the smallest fragment?
These "signs and wonders" do not mitigate the sorrow of loss, but they may give us hope that on some level a Transcendent Scheme is at work and knows what it's doing.
I will keep my mind open to all possibilities of knowledge and faith.
(Had to look up portents: sign or warning that something, especially something momentous or calamitous, is likely to happen)
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
How I have changed
I just wanted to remember this title for a future post. Love you!
-I have to eat dinner right when I get home from work. I can't get home and not know what we are going to eat, etc.-it has to be ready to heat up from the fridge. This usually involves me having to make something in the evening for the next day.
-I don't care what people think of me as much. If someone has a problem with me/doesn't like me, I don't care (like Dad and Grandma Elsie)
-I don't fret over my appearance anymore. I used to be obsessed with how my hair looks, face, etc. I am trying to detach myself from this and realize that my value is not based on how I look.
-I work out almost three times a week (who would have thought?)
-I can't let our financial problems paralyze me anymore. I do what I can but I don't have the energy to fret over how this bill will be paid or that. The good news is that it ends up working out somehow.
-I don't care as much about other people's health problems or if they die. That's kind of a sad one, but everyone has to die at some point. I feel bad when people have to suffer but don't worry about if they die as much.
-I am serious about sharing the Gospel when I share your story. The two HAVE to go hand-in-hand in my book. I have gotten better at that which I am thankful for. Your story has to continue to count for eternity.
-I've established and re-established friendships
-I've realized that I have been selfish and only worry about my feelings and my situation. Everything is about God, not about me. It is my privilege and honor to serve Him daily.
-I am not scared of heaven or the concept of eternity anymore
-I am not as afraid to die
-I am realizing that there are things worse in this life than death
-I know that I did a good job of raising you-it might have been my finest accomplishment. I will find out in eternity.
-I am not as nervous about talking/speaking like I used to be. I don't stumble over my words like I used to or skip saying certain phrases or combinations of words.
-I am not as concerned as what others think of me
Thank you for all of this-to you and to God. Love you so much!
-I have to eat dinner right when I get home from work. I can't get home and not know what we are going to eat, etc.-it has to be ready to heat up from the fridge. This usually involves me having to make something in the evening for the next day.
-I don't care what people think of me as much. If someone has a problem with me/doesn't like me, I don't care (like Dad and Grandma Elsie)
-I don't fret over my appearance anymore. I used to be obsessed with how my hair looks, face, etc. I am trying to detach myself from this and realize that my value is not based on how I look.
-I work out almost three times a week (who would have thought?)
-I can't let our financial problems paralyze me anymore. I do what I can but I don't have the energy to fret over how this bill will be paid or that. The good news is that it ends up working out somehow.
-I don't care as much about other people's health problems or if they die. That's kind of a sad one, but everyone has to die at some point. I feel bad when people have to suffer but don't worry about if they die as much.
-I am serious about sharing the Gospel when I share your story. The two HAVE to go hand-in-hand in my book. I have gotten better at that which I am thankful for. Your story has to continue to count for eternity.
-I've established and re-established friendships
-I've realized that I have been selfish and only worry about my feelings and my situation. Everything is about God, not about me. It is my privilege and honor to serve Him daily.
-I am not scared of heaven or the concept of eternity anymore
-I am not as afraid to die
-I am realizing that there are things worse in this life than death
-I know that I did a good job of raising you-it might have been my finest accomplishment. I will find out in eternity.
-I am not as nervous about talking/speaking like I used to be. I don't stumble over my words like I used to or skip saying certain phrases or combinations of words.
-I am not as concerned as what others think of me
Thank you for all of this-to you and to God. Love you so much!
Jesus Wept
The other day Mary Ledford directed me to Steven Curtis Chapman's Facebook page which I was thankful for because now I can see all of his posts. As you recall, he lost a child as well. This seems familiar-did I already share this? Let me check. I guess not. Here it is:
This past Saturday, May 21st, we gathered as family and friends at the place where we laid the "shell" of our little girl Maria 8 years ago. Every year we gather to remember...we remember the little girl whose eyes disappeared when she smiled and who has changed our lives forever, we remember the pain and the sadness of losing her (not that we ever forget) and most importantly we remember the Hope that we have in the promises of God that the story isn't over yet...the Hope that has kept us breathing and moving forward these past 8 years.
This year we read the story of Lazarus in John 11. As we read there was a phrase that I hadn't really noticed before. When Jesus saw Lazarus' sister weeping, John says he was moved in his spirit and "greatly troubled." Then it goes on to paint a picture of Jesus that has been a great comfort and encouragement to me these last several years...the picture of Jesus standing with a grieving family at the grave of a friend with tears running down his cheeks...Jesus is weeping. I know there are plenty of "theological discussions" about what was behind those tears in Jesus' eyes, but what struck me this time were the two words, "greatly troubled." The thought that Jesus was and is deeply moved and greatly troubled at our sorrow and sadness, even when he knows, in this case, that he is getting ready to raise Lazarus from the dead and turn the funeral into a wild celebration, is something incredibly comforting to me. He didn't scold Mary for her sadness or preach a sermon to her...his heart broke and he wept with her...just like he does with us. He doesn't leave us alone in our grief and sadness...he weeps with those who weep. My family and I needed to be reminded of that this past Saturday...maybe you need to be reminded too.
And then I needed to remember the next part of this story...again.
He walked to the grave where Lazarus was buried and proceeded to show that he has the last word over death! He proved what he said was true..."I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall live and everyone who lives and believes this shall never die."
He raised Lazarus from the dead...and turned their mourning into dancing!
So the Chapmans begin our 9th year of moving forward to that great day when Jesus will wipe every tear from our eyes...and I'll get to dance again with my Cinderella. In the meantime, I'm thankful to remember and hope you'll be encouraged to remember, when the tears do come, we don't cry alone...Jesus weeps with us.
Until that day,
scc
This past Saturday, May 21st, we gathered as family and friends at the place where we laid the "shell" of our little girl Maria 8 years ago. Every year we gather to remember...we remember the little girl whose eyes disappeared when she smiled and who has changed our lives forever, we remember the pain and the sadness of losing her (not that we ever forget) and most importantly we remember the Hope that we have in the promises of God that the story isn't over yet...the Hope that has kept us breathing and moving forward these past 8 years.
This year we read the story of Lazarus in John 11. As we read there was a phrase that I hadn't really noticed before. When Jesus saw Lazarus' sister weeping, John says he was moved in his spirit and "greatly troubled." Then it goes on to paint a picture of Jesus that has been a great comfort and encouragement to me these last several years...the picture of Jesus standing with a grieving family at the grave of a friend with tears running down his cheeks...Jesus is weeping. I know there are plenty of "theological discussions" about what was behind those tears in Jesus' eyes, but what struck me this time were the two words, "greatly troubled." The thought that Jesus was and is deeply moved and greatly troubled at our sorrow and sadness, even when he knows, in this case, that he is getting ready to raise Lazarus from the dead and turn the funeral into a wild celebration, is something incredibly comforting to me. He didn't scold Mary for her sadness or preach a sermon to her...his heart broke and he wept with her...just like he does with us. He doesn't leave us alone in our grief and sadness...he weeps with those who weep. My family and I needed to be reminded of that this past Saturday...maybe you need to be reminded too.
And then I needed to remember the next part of this story...again.
He walked to the grave where Lazarus was buried and proceeded to show that he has the last word over death! He proved what he said was true..."I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall live and everyone who lives and believes this shall never die."
He raised Lazarus from the dead...and turned their mourning into dancing!
So the Chapmans begin our 9th year of moving forward to that great day when Jesus will wipe every tear from our eyes...and I'll get to dance again with my Cinderella. In the meantime, I'm thankful to remember and hope you'll be encouraged to remember, when the tears do come, we don't cry alone...Jesus weeps with us.
Until that day,
scc
Not an excuse to be selfish
I was thinking how easy it is for people in such a difficult situation to only think of themselves and their own pain. Even though the pain of losing a child is profound, I don't think it's an excuse to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. There are still other people in the world who have problems too. That's pretty much all I have to say about this-it's easy to embrace the victim persona in this situation but we need to realize that focusing on yourself and your own pain all the time is selfish. It's not about us, it's about God. Always has been, always will be. Love you boy!
Assorted quotes
I had these two quotes jotted down from yesterday but wasn't sure how to categorize them. One is from Chonda Pierce, a Christian comedian who experienced a lot of loss in her life. Here is hers:
When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty,trust Him fully, because two things can happen. Either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly.
This one was on A.W. Tozer's page but it was quoted from Leonard Ravenhill:
There are two kinds of people in this world-only two kinds, not black or white, rich or poor, but those either dead in sin or dead to sin.
This was on a page with Winnie the Pooh:
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Thank You for Not Judging Me
Haven't had one of these in a few days-#OCA. I like this one because the child was older. It's by Lorene Holizki
The love of my life, Kalei Jasmine Mahealini Holizki was killed instantly in a head on car crash on August 20, 2001. (Just realized it was the same date as your crash). She was 16 years old.
When the Royal Canadian Mounted Police communicated that information to me, the words were quite simply unimaginable. I know this to be true because from that moment on I shared that information by saying, "Kalei is dead, d-e-a-d. Dead. I don't know what that means!"
It took me years to fully comprehend my daughter's death and learn how to live without her by my side. That comprehension and the lessons that came with gaining that knowledge eventually made it possible for me to understand, or said in another way, to stop spelling the word 'dead' when associated with Kalei's name. The unimaginable had become imaginable.
Like the many years that came before me and sadly, the many that will come after, during the past 14 years I experienced all the ugly, heartbreaking and yes, even beautiful parts of grief. When the really dark parts (or grief demons as I like to call them) tried to prevent me from reaching for a future worth living, I turned to what I do best-analysis-in order to make sense of what was happening to me. Not only was the action comforting to me, but I guess you could call it the noise of intense thinking, would sometimes drown out the howls of pain coming from my heart.
Day after day, I studied and wrote profusely-good or bad-no subject as considered off limits. By the time 2011 arrived, I had thousands of pages of analysis and lessons written. By then, I was far enough along on my grieving journey, and I was becoming more engaged in day-to-day living again. I was even able to acknowledge the future when mine called out, "What about me?" I chose to answer that call, and four years later I self-published Forever Kalei's Mom, a story about life, death and more life.
In the months that have followed, I have grown even more. I have shed the victim persona that often comes with surviving an unimaginable event such as the death of a child, and my body, previously hunched over to protect my wounded heart, returned to an upright and powerful stance. I offer support to grieving parents, talk endlessly to the non-grieving about what I have learned, and I post a weekly blog on my website that covers a myriad of lifetime material. I was now managing, rather than just reacting, to my new world and different life.
But make no mistake, as alive as I feel now, there are still days when-almost like a comforting mantra-I continue to ask, "Kalei, why did you have to leave me?" Then there are the odd unimportant, plain old Tuesdays, when a grief demon decides to take a shot at me hoping it still has the power to send me back into the darkness. While I have learned how to fight that monster, sometimes it's nice to get a little help with the battle. This is that story...
My cousin, Danny, an amateur photographer asked if he could take a black and white photograph of me for a project he was working on called Home of the Brave. The artist in him wanted to capture the feelings emoted by those who have experienced a difficult life event. I agreed to participate.
After choosing the photograph that resonated with both of us, Danny turned to the part he chose to complete on his own, adding a story to go with the image. When he messaged me that everything was done, I quickly opened his blog. While I love the picture, because to me it portrays life, all of it, it was his words that forced all the air out of my lungs. This is an excerpt of what he wrote:
I am convinced, however, that reading my cousin's book has made me a better person.
I know this to be true because I did not judge Lorene when she laid herself down in front of Kalei's marker and silently folded her hands on her chest. Surrounded by the comforting silence of the cemetery, I witnessed a beautiful, spontaneous expression of a mother's undying love for her daughter.
I finally got a chance to see what Forever looks like.
When I was done reading, I could hardly contain my excitement-actually I totally lost that battle! With a big grin on my face I yelled, "He gets it! He really gets it! My book and the words I worked so hard on is making a difference!"
And then, I cried.
Not from sorrow but from gratitude because for the first time in a very long time I did not feel judged by the way I choose to grieve for my daughter. For me, that is a pretty darn good #oncomingalive moment.
The love of my life, Kalei Jasmine Mahealini Holizki was killed instantly in a head on car crash on August 20, 2001. (Just realized it was the same date as your crash). She was 16 years old.
When the Royal Canadian Mounted Police communicated that information to me, the words were quite simply unimaginable. I know this to be true because from that moment on I shared that information by saying, "Kalei is dead, d-e-a-d. Dead. I don't know what that means!"
It took me years to fully comprehend my daughter's death and learn how to live without her by my side. That comprehension and the lessons that came with gaining that knowledge eventually made it possible for me to understand, or said in another way, to stop spelling the word 'dead' when associated with Kalei's name. The unimaginable had become imaginable.
Like the many years that came before me and sadly, the many that will come after, during the past 14 years I experienced all the ugly, heartbreaking and yes, even beautiful parts of grief. When the really dark parts (or grief demons as I like to call them) tried to prevent me from reaching for a future worth living, I turned to what I do best-analysis-in order to make sense of what was happening to me. Not only was the action comforting to me, but I guess you could call it the noise of intense thinking, would sometimes drown out the howls of pain coming from my heart.
Day after day, I studied and wrote profusely-good or bad-no subject as considered off limits. By the time 2011 arrived, I had thousands of pages of analysis and lessons written. By then, I was far enough along on my grieving journey, and I was becoming more engaged in day-to-day living again. I was even able to acknowledge the future when mine called out, "What about me?" I chose to answer that call, and four years later I self-published Forever Kalei's Mom, a story about life, death and more life.
In the months that have followed, I have grown even more. I have shed the victim persona that often comes with surviving an unimaginable event such as the death of a child, and my body, previously hunched over to protect my wounded heart, returned to an upright and powerful stance. I offer support to grieving parents, talk endlessly to the non-grieving about what I have learned, and I post a weekly blog on my website that covers a myriad of lifetime material. I was now managing, rather than just reacting, to my new world and different life.
But make no mistake, as alive as I feel now, there are still days when-almost like a comforting mantra-I continue to ask, "Kalei, why did you have to leave me?" Then there are the odd unimportant, plain old Tuesdays, when a grief demon decides to take a shot at me hoping it still has the power to send me back into the darkness. While I have learned how to fight that monster, sometimes it's nice to get a little help with the battle. This is that story...
My cousin, Danny, an amateur photographer asked if he could take a black and white photograph of me for a project he was working on called Home of the Brave. The artist in him wanted to capture the feelings emoted by those who have experienced a difficult life event. I agreed to participate.
After choosing the photograph that resonated with both of us, Danny turned to the part he chose to complete on his own, adding a story to go with the image. When he messaged me that everything was done, I quickly opened his blog. While I love the picture, because to me it portrays life, all of it, it was his words that forced all the air out of my lungs. This is an excerpt of what he wrote:
I am convinced, however, that reading my cousin's book has made me a better person.
I know this to be true because I did not judge Lorene when she laid herself down in front of Kalei's marker and silently folded her hands on her chest. Surrounded by the comforting silence of the cemetery, I witnessed a beautiful, spontaneous expression of a mother's undying love for her daughter.
I finally got a chance to see what Forever looks like.
When I was done reading, I could hardly contain my excitement-actually I totally lost that battle! With a big grin on my face I yelled, "He gets it! He really gets it! My book and the words I worked so hard on is making a difference!"
And then, I cried.
Not from sorrow but from gratitude because for the first time in a very long time I did not feel judged by the way I choose to grieve for my daughter. For me, that is a pretty darn good #oncomingalive moment.
So glad you graduated!
There was a lady in the office whose nephew was killed in a car accident over the winter. She asked me how I was going to handle graduation and I said I thought I would be fine. I asked her if her nephew graduated and she said no, so the family has to go through that all with him missing this year.
That would tear my heart out even more. I am so glad you already graduated! Love you!
That would tear my heart out even more. I am so glad you already graduated! Love you!
Full blast
I really needed some help this morning and I prayed about it and the help is pouring in. Many of your songs have been on Pandora, etc.
That made me think of maybe when you get to heaven, God lines up the kids and lets you pick how you're going to help your moms get through this. Maybe God lets you pick the songs, the symbols and reminders that are meaningful and helpful to me. Like the Sables I see all the time. Like leaving things for me to find, like your backpack which I have no idea how it ended up in the garage. Like reflections from your necklace and mourning doves. Thank you! Love you!
That made me think of maybe when you get to heaven, God lines up the kids and lets you pick how you're going to help your moms get through this. Maybe God lets you pick the songs, the symbols and reminders that are meaningful and helpful to me. Like the Sables I see all the time. Like leaving things for me to find, like your backpack which I have no idea how it ended up in the garage. Like reflections from your necklace and mourning doves. Thank you! Love you!
7:38
I was looking up your police report information for an appointment tomorrow and I had to track down the incident report #. When I found the picture of it that I sent to Jill, I noticed that the time of your accident was 7:38 am. That was the same time as the similar accident that Chad Hillborn and Jim Austin were involved in six months prior to yours with almost the same circumstances. He crossed the center line unexplainably (is that a word? Must be-nothing was autocorrected) and hit Jim's truck. Chad died at the scene I believe. Jim survived the accident but was badly injured. The explanation for that was that Chad fell asleep at the wheel. I think they determined that because he just came off of an overnight shift as some kind of corrections officer.
Why isn't the cause of these accidents important at all? The police seem satisfied to just write it off as distracted driving/asleep at the wheel. I know it's hard to figure out but it just seems like an afterthought or a catch-all reason when something can't be explained. Like how did they know for sure that Evan Kimball fell asleep at the wheel? Just because it was nighttime? People have died in these accidents-they are very serious!
Why isn't the cause of these accidents important at all? The police seem satisfied to just write it off as distracted driving/asleep at the wheel. I know it's hard to figure out but it just seems like an afterthought or a catch-all reason when something can't be explained. Like how did they know for sure that Evan Kimball fell asleep at the wheel? Just because it was nighttime? People have died in these accidents-they are very serious!
Monday, May 23, 2016
Found your backpack
For some reason your backpack was in the garage. I came across it when I was cleaning in there on Saturday. I found some food (yuck-luckily it was packaged) and some other cute things here and there like senior pictures of Enrico and Robby C.
I also found a binder that you had written "Capstone" on except I couldn't really be sure if your "s" was an "s". That's because it was more of a slanted line and I noticed that over the past several months when I make an "s" it looks like that too. I don't know if that matters, but I found it interesting.
I also came across a notebook with your notes in it from various classes and I was reading some of your notes from Pop Culture and one of your film classes. The things I liked the most so far where some of the personal experiences you wrote about. One of those was for you to describe a time when you were mistreated or left out. You wrote a little about cross country when you said that there were little cliques that you felt left out of. You finished the thought though with telling how you joined water polo your sophomore year and you felt it was where you belonged.
There was also something about when you were blamed for something you didn't do. You told about different times when you would be accused of making a loud noise in your room and then Dad would yell up from the basement to stop and it wasn't you. That made me feel bad because I don't know why he has to get upset about things. Anyway. Love you!
I also found a binder that you had written "Capstone" on except I couldn't really be sure if your "s" was an "s". That's because it was more of a slanted line and I noticed that over the past several months when I make an "s" it looks like that too. I don't know if that matters, but I found it interesting.
I also came across a notebook with your notes in it from various classes and I was reading some of your notes from Pop Culture and one of your film classes. The things I liked the most so far where some of the personal experiences you wrote about. One of those was for you to describe a time when you were mistreated or left out. You wrote a little about cross country when you said that there were little cliques that you felt left out of. You finished the thought though with telling how you joined water polo your sophomore year and you felt it was where you belonged.
There was also something about when you were blamed for something you didn't do. You told about different times when you would be accused of making a loud noise in your room and then Dad would yell up from the basement to stop and it wasn't you. That made me feel bad because I don't know why he has to get upset about things. Anyway. Love you!
Friday, May 20, 2016
God Knows You Better
This may be an A.W. Tozer quote: "God knows you better than you know yourself."
Not sure who said it, but I had it written down.
Not sure who said it, but I had it written down.
Extra time in heaven
There was a post on I Am A Mother to an Angel that included the above statement. What a lovely thought that God gave you extra time in heaven. Love you!
More A.W. Tozer
This was on A.W. Tozer's page but it is a quote from Ken Ham:
An atheist once said to me, "Why doesn't your God come and physically show himself to us?" I replied, "He did and they nailed Him on a cross."
An atheist once said to me, "Why doesn't your God come and physically show himself to us?" I replied, "He did and they nailed Him on a cross."
You were humble-you got that from me
(I thought that would be a funny title-even though it's true)
Yesterday Lydia came over to work on a documentary she's making about YOU! She requested that Jake and Hope be there for some questions. She already asked me a few a few months ago at church. They weren't about your accident so they weren't sad-they were things like your favorite memory of Hayden, what Hayden taught you, what reminds you of Hayden, etc.
For the question what did you learn from Hayden, Jake went on and on about how humble you were and you never took any credit for yourself, even when other people were bragging and in your face, etc. This was true in water polo and even in card games. Even though you were one of the best water polo players in the state, you still didn't brag about or anything and complimented others on their successes. Jake said that he used to be like that where he would get in people's faces about his skills but then learned from you to not be like that so much. What a great characteristic to pass on to others! So proud of you boy!
For his favorite memory of you, Jake said there were a lot, but he mentioned the lake house of course and how one thing he remembers is last year on the 4th of July how you both went out on the white floaty things after the fireworks and talked and talked but also were quiet. He said you were looking at the stars and there were still a few stray fireworks going off here and there. He said the water was warm but you guys were a little chilly on top of the floaty things.
For things that reminded him of you, he mentioned certain songs and Jared, his car (even though it's totaled now) and the lake house again. He said you guys went pretty much every weekend there last summer. I am so thankful for that! I know you loved it there.
Hope said some wonderful things as well, like how great of a big brother you were (we knew that!) It will be nice to see the finished film, although I am sure I will hate the part of me (how I look anyway). It is very nice of Lydia to do that. Everyone loves you so much! So do I!
(On the way to our house, Lydia and I were talking about Camp CoBeAc and she mentioned how one night the cute guys had to go on stage and share their best pick-up line. She said Hayden's was "I must have died and gone to heaven, because you're a perfect little angel." How cute! She said she was surprised that you came up with that. Love you!)
Yesterday Lydia came over to work on a documentary she's making about YOU! She requested that Jake and Hope be there for some questions. She already asked me a few a few months ago at church. They weren't about your accident so they weren't sad-they were things like your favorite memory of Hayden, what Hayden taught you, what reminds you of Hayden, etc.
For the question what did you learn from Hayden, Jake went on and on about how humble you were and you never took any credit for yourself, even when other people were bragging and in your face, etc. This was true in water polo and even in card games. Even though you were one of the best water polo players in the state, you still didn't brag about or anything and complimented others on their successes. Jake said that he used to be like that where he would get in people's faces about his skills but then learned from you to not be like that so much. What a great characteristic to pass on to others! So proud of you boy!
For his favorite memory of you, Jake said there were a lot, but he mentioned the lake house of course and how one thing he remembers is last year on the 4th of July how you both went out on the white floaty things after the fireworks and talked and talked but also were quiet. He said you were looking at the stars and there were still a few stray fireworks going off here and there. He said the water was warm but you guys were a little chilly on top of the floaty things.
For things that reminded him of you, he mentioned certain songs and Jared, his car (even though it's totaled now) and the lake house again. He said you guys went pretty much every weekend there last summer. I am so thankful for that! I know you loved it there.
Hope said some wonderful things as well, like how great of a big brother you were (we knew that!) It will be nice to see the finished film, although I am sure I will hate the part of me (how I look anyway). It is very nice of Lydia to do that. Everyone loves you so much! So do I!
(On the way to our house, Lydia and I were talking about Camp CoBeAc and she mentioned how one night the cute guys had to go on stage and share their best pick-up line. She said Hayden's was "I must have died and gone to heaven, because you're a perfect little angel." How cute! She said she was surprised that you came up with that. Love you!)
I Will Rise
This is a song that was on this morning and it reminded me that I wanted to track it down because it was mentioned in Levi Lusko's book I believe that it was played at his daughter's graveside service (I will check the notes from that lion book). I will have to listen to the song later on youtube. You will rise too, my sweet boy! Love you!
I Will Rise
by Chris Tomlin
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
(Chorus:)
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
(Chorus:)
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
(Chorus:)
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Verses
I need some big-time help today, so here goes:
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 11: 28-30: Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Luke 18:27: But He said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."
John 3:16: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
1 Corinthians 1:30: But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God-and righteousness and sanctification and redemption-
2 Corinthians 9:8: And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.
2 Corinthians 12:9: And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:19: And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:7: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 11: 28-30: Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Luke 18:27: But He said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."
John 3:16: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
1 Corinthians 1:30: But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God-and righteousness and sanctification and redemption-
2 Corinthians 9:8: And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.
2 Corinthians 12:9: And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:19: And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:7: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Blessed
This was on someone's obituary that I thought I would share:
"Just as a well-filled day brings blessed sleep, so a well-employed life brings a blessed death." -Robert Greene
"Just as a well-filled day brings blessed sleep, so a well-employed life brings a blessed death." -Robert Greene
Sharon at Rydeon
One thing I've read in a my grief books is how exercise can help with grief. I have been wanting to start an exercise program forever and this seemed like a good excuse to pursue it. I decided to try Rydeon which is studio cycling. I tried a class in January and it was horrible, but I kept at it. I was more afraid to not do it than to do it, if that makes sense. Five months later I am proud to say I am still doing it.
Something I wasn't expecting was the emotional release I experienced during one of my first few classes. I had a Saturday class and the instructor had the music turned up and she asked us to close our eyes. When I was pedaling, I was imagining things like pedaling fast enough to stop your accident, pedaling to the cemetery and blasting past it, to escape it, etc. That first time I did that, I had to put my head down because tears were starting to stream down my face. It was a way for me to just deal with all of the intense feelings that build up so quickly.
The instructor of that class was Sharon, and I have grown to appreciate her so much. She is always friendly and encouraging. Not all of the instructors are like that-she is extra special and is nice to everyone. Some of the other instructors don't even say "hi" even if they've never had me in their class before. There were days when I would look so forward to her class even though the rest of the day sucked or when she was a substitute for someone else, and it cheered me up to walk in to class and find that out.
This is not doing her justice, but I just wanted to gather some thoughts together because I'm going to give her a card on the last night of class next week with a tract in it. I just want to let her know my story and your story and I'm committed to giving the Gospel message each time I do that as a testimony to how I am dealing with the loss of you. (I still would like a better word than "loss" but I haven't been able to think of one yet). She's going to Canada this summer (I don't know if it's permanently) but it's a good reason to tell her how much she's helped me. I definitely wasn't expecting to bond with one of the instructors. She is so wonderful! Love you boy!
(I'm going to work on my letter to her here if you don't mind)
Dear Sharon,
I just wanted to let you know how much I have appreciated you as an instructor and as a person these past several months at Rydeon. I don't know if you know my story, but I came to Rydeon after reading that exercise was a good way to deal with grief. I knew I wanted to get into something for a while, but the loss of my 17-year-old son to a car accident last summer is what prompted me to seriously seek out a work-out program.
I think that the first class I had with you was on a Saturday morning. During part of the workout, you turned the music up and encouraged us to close our eyes. When I did that, I was able to tune out the world and focus on some intense feelings. I remember that I had to put my head down because tears were streaming down my cheeks. I've been able to do that at almost every class and it's been so helpful to focus on a feeling, be it anger or sadness, and ride my hardest to deal with it.
Not only did you teach me that, but you have always been extremely friendly and encouraging. Since then, I have always looked forward to your classes and it's been an extra bonus when you've subbed on Wednesday nights. That always cheered me up, especially at the end of some particularly hard days. Thank you for that!
I don't know how long you've been in the Saline area, but my son's name was Hayden Smith and he was amazing. We still don't have many answers as to what caused him to cross the center line which caused his crash on Wagner Rd., which makes the loss even more devastating. He was able to be an organ donor though, for which we are grateful. Something else we are also grateful for is that he was a believer in Jesus Christ and is in the presence of the Lord this very moment. Since we are believers too, we look forward to the day we will see him again. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I have included a Gospel tract for you to consider. I have made that my mission for whenever I tell Hayden's story to share with others how I am getting through this difficult time. It is only by the grace and strength of God.
Update to this: I had class on Memorial Day and Sharon wrote me a note back. It was very nice (I will have to bring it in to share). I was not expecting that! It made my morning!
Something I wasn't expecting was the emotional release I experienced during one of my first few classes. I had a Saturday class and the instructor had the music turned up and she asked us to close our eyes. When I was pedaling, I was imagining things like pedaling fast enough to stop your accident, pedaling to the cemetery and blasting past it, to escape it, etc. That first time I did that, I had to put my head down because tears were starting to stream down my face. It was a way for me to just deal with all of the intense feelings that build up so quickly.
The instructor of that class was Sharon, and I have grown to appreciate her so much. She is always friendly and encouraging. Not all of the instructors are like that-she is extra special and is nice to everyone. Some of the other instructors don't even say "hi" even if they've never had me in their class before. There were days when I would look so forward to her class even though the rest of the day sucked or when she was a substitute for someone else, and it cheered me up to walk in to class and find that out.
This is not doing her justice, but I just wanted to gather some thoughts together because I'm going to give her a card on the last night of class next week with a tract in it. I just want to let her know my story and your story and I'm committed to giving the Gospel message each time I do that as a testimony to how I am dealing with the loss of you. (I still would like a better word than "loss" but I haven't been able to think of one yet). She's going to Canada this summer (I don't know if it's permanently) but it's a good reason to tell her how much she's helped me. I definitely wasn't expecting to bond with one of the instructors. She is so wonderful! Love you boy!
(I'm going to work on my letter to her here if you don't mind)
Dear Sharon,
I just wanted to let you know how much I have appreciated you as an instructor and as a person these past several months at Rydeon. I don't know if you know my story, but I came to Rydeon after reading that exercise was a good way to deal with grief. I knew I wanted to get into something for a while, but the loss of my 17-year-old son to a car accident last summer is what prompted me to seriously seek out a work-out program.
I think that the first class I had with you was on a Saturday morning. During part of the workout, you turned the music up and encouraged us to close our eyes. When I did that, I was able to tune out the world and focus on some intense feelings. I remember that I had to put my head down because tears were streaming down my cheeks. I've been able to do that at almost every class and it's been so helpful to focus on a feeling, be it anger or sadness, and ride my hardest to deal with it.
Not only did you teach me that, but you have always been extremely friendly and encouraging. Since then, I have always looked forward to your classes and it's been an extra bonus when you've subbed on Wednesday nights. That always cheered me up, especially at the end of some particularly hard days. Thank you for that!
I don't know how long you've been in the Saline area, but my son's name was Hayden Smith and he was amazing. We still don't have many answers as to what caused him to cross the center line which caused his crash on Wagner Rd., which makes the loss even more devastating. He was able to be an organ donor though, for which we are grateful. Something else we are also grateful for is that he was a believer in Jesus Christ and is in the presence of the Lord this very moment. Since we are believers too, we look forward to the day we will see him again. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I have included a Gospel tract for you to consider. I have made that my mission for whenever I tell Hayden's story to share with others how I am getting through this difficult time. It is only by the grace and strength of God.
Update to this: I had class on Memorial Day and Sharon wrote me a note back. It was very nice (I will have to bring it in to share). I was not expecting that! It made my morning!
A.W. Tozer
"The way you view God will eventually show up in the way you live your life."
"Christ is enough. To have Him and nothing else is to be rich beyond conceiving."
"If we are not changed by grace, then we are not saved by grace."
Determining the Cause of Pain
But how can we tell in a given situation whether our pain is from the cross or the rod? Pain is pain from whatever source it comes. Jonah in flight from the will of God suffered no worse than did Paul in the center of God's will; the same wild sea threatened the life of both. And Daniel in the lion's den was in trouble as deep as was Jonah in the whale's belly. The nails bit as deep into the hands of Christ dying for the sins of the world as into the hands of the two thieves dying for their own sins. How then may we distinguish the cross from the rod? I think the answer is plain. When tribulation comes we have but to note whether it is imposed or chosen. "Blessed are ye," said our Lord, "when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you?" (Matthew 5:11). But that is not all. Four other words He added: they are "falsely, for my sake." These words show that the suffering must come voluntarily, that it must be chosen in the larger choice of Christ and righteousness. If the accusation men cry against us is true, no blessedness follows.
(This is deep-I have to think about this one)
"Christ is enough. To have Him and nothing else is to be rich beyond conceiving."
"If we are not changed by grace, then we are not saved by grace."
Determining the Cause of Pain
But how can we tell in a given situation whether our pain is from the cross or the rod? Pain is pain from whatever source it comes. Jonah in flight from the will of God suffered no worse than did Paul in the center of God's will; the same wild sea threatened the life of both. And Daniel in the lion's den was in trouble as deep as was Jonah in the whale's belly. The nails bit as deep into the hands of Christ dying for the sins of the world as into the hands of the two thieves dying for their own sins. How then may we distinguish the cross from the rod? I think the answer is plain. When tribulation comes we have but to note whether it is imposed or chosen. "Blessed are ye," said our Lord, "when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you?" (Matthew 5:11). But that is not all. Four other words He added: they are "falsely, for my sake." These words show that the suffering must come voluntarily, that it must be chosen in the larger choice of Christ and righteousness. If the accusation men cry against us is true, no blessedness follows.
(This is deep-I have to think about this one)
Permission to Feel
#OCA story by Aly Voigt-these are excerpts
The days, weeks, and into the months following her...death were broken. Tears and anger. There were screams and unstoppable sobs. There was emptiness, confusion, sadness, and hurt. Oh did it ever hurt.
We drifted in those months,... All energy was consumed in just being that there was no more to give. I turned to grief books, a support group, and a counselor. I needed something, anything, to say that I was going to be ok. That somehow, someday life would be okay.
I tried desperately to hide the waves, to mask the feelings, to bury the reality with rehearsed phrases, avoidance, and appearing to have it all together. And yet the waves continued to crash. Crash and crash and crash until my arms and legs had treaded with all their might to no avail. Surrender. I had to surrender. To give myself permission to feel the emotional waves, whatever they may be. To feel them by giving them a voice, literally claiming them aloud. And then, to allow space and permission to experience the rawness of the emotion. To allow sadness to dwell, anger to exist, rage to be accepted, guilt to be present. To grant permission for jealousy, loneliness, fear, emptiness, or pain. (This lady's husband also cheated on her).
And then, after giving them a voice and permission to be experienced, to make the conscious choice to step back from the emotion of the moment and see what lies ahead. Beauty existed. It existed when I forced myself to see. Small and big, right in front of me or far into the distance. It existed in the reality that forever I will be (his) momma. It existed in the legacy of her life. And it exists in the ways in which her memory moves, touches, and propels peace and joy and beauty. It existed in the person I have become; stronger, braver, and yes, even more alive. It existed in the form of a Savior that finds me to be worthy and enough when I didn't feel the same for myself. And it existed in the promise of hope in verses that I recited over and over.
(Be Still My Soul is on Pandora right now. Thank you for that Lord-that message is helping me in relation to my being annoyed by the articles Susan posted about high drivers)
It wasn't overnight. Certainly not immediate. There were no quick fixes, magic tricks, step-by-step guides, or manuals with a check list. But with time, the waves began to cease and I began to surface as I gave myself grace and space to truly feel and then made the intentional choice to step back and believe in the hope of the future.
The days, weeks, and into the months following her...death were broken. Tears and anger. There were screams and unstoppable sobs. There was emptiness, confusion, sadness, and hurt. Oh did it ever hurt.
We drifted in those months,... All energy was consumed in just being that there was no more to give. I turned to grief books, a support group, and a counselor. I needed something, anything, to say that I was going to be ok. That somehow, someday life would be okay.
I tried desperately to hide the waves, to mask the feelings, to bury the reality with rehearsed phrases, avoidance, and appearing to have it all together. And yet the waves continued to crash. Crash and crash and crash until my arms and legs had treaded with all their might to no avail. Surrender. I had to surrender. To give myself permission to feel the emotional waves, whatever they may be. To feel them by giving them a voice, literally claiming them aloud. And then, to allow space and permission to experience the rawness of the emotion. To allow sadness to dwell, anger to exist, rage to be accepted, guilt to be present. To grant permission for jealousy, loneliness, fear, emptiness, or pain. (This lady's husband also cheated on her).
And then, after giving them a voice and permission to be experienced, to make the conscious choice to step back from the emotion of the moment and see what lies ahead. Beauty existed. It existed when I forced myself to see. Small and big, right in front of me or far into the distance. It existed in the reality that forever I will be (his) momma. It existed in the legacy of her life. And it exists in the ways in which her memory moves, touches, and propels peace and joy and beauty. It existed in the person I have become; stronger, braver, and yes, even more alive. It existed in the form of a Savior that finds me to be worthy and enough when I didn't feel the same for myself. And it existed in the promise of hope in verses that I recited over and over.
(Be Still My Soul is on Pandora right now. Thank you for that Lord-that message is helping me in relation to my being annoyed by the articles Susan posted about high drivers)
It wasn't overnight. Certainly not immediate. There were no quick fixes, magic tricks, step-by-step guides, or manuals with a check list. But with time, the waves began to cease and I began to surface as I gave myself grace and space to truly feel and then made the intentional choice to step back and believe in the hope of the future.
Is she trying to tell me something?
Mrs. Brattin posted another article on Facebook yesterday about high drivers being in fatal car crashes. I don't know why she posted another one-it's bothering me a little bit. It makes me wonder if she's got an opinion on it or trying to tell me something. I don't like the message that she is sending out to people though who are friends from church, etc. I don't know if I should say something or leave it alone. I'll keep you posted.
I don't think you were high. You would always get so mad at me if I accused you of being high. I don't think you would have been when you were headed to teach kids water polo-it wouldn't have been a good example. I will stick to that belief until the day I die. I believe in you boy. My sweet boy!
I don't think you were high. You would always get so mad at me if I accused you of being high. I don't think you would have been when you were headed to teach kids water polo-it wouldn't have been a good example. I will stick to that belief until the day I die. I believe in you boy. My sweet boy!
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
If I Die Young
This song came on the radio this morning and makes me think of you, so here are the lyrics. It's by The Band Perry.
If I Die Young
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in a river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh
(Never knew these were the words-love this line!)
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no,
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever would be severed by...
...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh, oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh,oh)
(Love that they mentioned a dove)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls.
Look how far you've come
I need a pep talk for going to Bell-Borek today for cousin Tina's funeral. That phrase above may be what gets me through it. Talk to you soon! Love you!
Just got back from the service and luncheon. I cried almost the whole way up there. It was fine when I got there and it was great to see Todd. He showed me where they displayed the picture that we sent him of him, Hope, Carter and the dove from your service. It was right in the lobby. I wondered though if he just put it out for today because Grandma Elsie said she didn't notice it the past few days since she's been up there. She's not too observant though-either way, it was nice of Todd to bring that up. He said it's a cherished gift.
It wasn't too weird seeing Tina in the casket. It helped too that the service was not in the same room as your viewing was. That's such a lovely place. Todd also said that he thinks of my son often (you!). How could he not? How amazing are you! When he asked how we were doing I said we've come a long way.
I cried just a few times during the service-when her kids spoke and when the speaker read a Mom poem. It was a pretty short service. The dove release was nice-that dove didn't fly around a few times like yours.
I'm glad to get that first funeral out of the way. Tina's daughter, Sarah, told me again how Tina said she would find you and give you a hug and a kiss from me. I am so glad I asked her to do that! It's been a blessing a few times over already! Love you sweet boy! Death is so different to me now. I definitely didn't expect that.
Every time Todd hugged me, he called me "honey." Made me feel special. Love you!
Just got back from the service and luncheon. I cried almost the whole way up there. It was fine when I got there and it was great to see Todd. He showed me where they displayed the picture that we sent him of him, Hope, Carter and the dove from your service. It was right in the lobby. I wondered though if he just put it out for today because Grandma Elsie said she didn't notice it the past few days since she's been up there. She's not too observant though-either way, it was nice of Todd to bring that up. He said it's a cherished gift.
It wasn't too weird seeing Tina in the casket. It helped too that the service was not in the same room as your viewing was. That's such a lovely place. Todd also said that he thinks of my son often (you!). How could he not? How amazing are you! When he asked how we were doing I said we've come a long way.
I cried just a few times during the service-when her kids spoke and when the speaker read a Mom poem. It was a pretty short service. The dove release was nice-that dove didn't fly around a few times like yours.
I'm glad to get that first funeral out of the way. Tina's daughter, Sarah, told me again how Tina said she would find you and give you a hug and a kiss from me. I am so glad I asked her to do that! It's been a blessing a few times over already! Love you sweet boy! Death is so different to me now. I definitely didn't expect that.
Every time Todd hugged me, he called me "honey." Made me feel special. Love you!
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Worse than death?
The song that I thought was called Better Off Dead was just on Pandora but it's actually called Nothing. I was thinking of this topic earlier but that helped me remember it. Now the song Counting Stars is on, yours and Nance's song.
Jake was in a car accident this afternoon. He's fine. I'm glad he's fine. His car is totaled, but they're covered. Everything worked out for them. A lady pulled out in front of him on Michigan Ave. just past Wal-Mart. She said she didn't see him. Her fault. He went to an Urgent Care and was released. I will have to let this all sink in.
I guess I was thinking before I found that out that there are things that are worse than death. A lifetime of pain and suffering. A lifetime of not being able to care for yourself. A lifetime of dealing with a brain injury. A lifetime of no life. Is death better than that? Yes. Yes, it is. I have to keep telling myself that. It's what was the best outcome for you, but not for the rest of us. Love you!
Since this mentioned Jake's accident, I thought I would record something interesting that Nance told me about last night. She said when Jake saw the truck turn in front of him, he thought he was going to die. She also said though that the situation seemed very familiar to him. That was comforting for a second, like maybe you were there with him or something, protecting him like a guardian angel, but it also makes me think too that maybe you had that same thought at the time of your accident. I hope you didn't realize that, sweet boy. I hope it was so quick and you were not even conscious of it. I will have to ponder that thought for a while.
Something else-I was a little annoyed when Nance posted a picture of the accident on Facebook because I didn't understand why she did it-was it to align herself with us and what we went through, get sympathy, what? I understood later though that she just wanted everyone to know what happened and that he was ok. She said she felt guilty that their outcome was so different than ours. I said everyone's life has a different plan and that it's good that Jake is ok.
Jake was in a car accident this afternoon. He's fine. I'm glad he's fine. His car is totaled, but they're covered. Everything worked out for them. A lady pulled out in front of him on Michigan Ave. just past Wal-Mart. She said she didn't see him. Her fault. He went to an Urgent Care and was released. I will have to let this all sink in.
I guess I was thinking before I found that out that there are things that are worse than death. A lifetime of pain and suffering. A lifetime of not being able to care for yourself. A lifetime of dealing with a brain injury. A lifetime of no life. Is death better than that? Yes. Yes, it is. I have to keep telling myself that. It's what was the best outcome for you, but not for the rest of us. Love you!
Since this mentioned Jake's accident, I thought I would record something interesting that Nance told me about last night. She said when Jake saw the truck turn in front of him, he thought he was going to die. She also said though that the situation seemed very familiar to him. That was comforting for a second, like maybe you were there with him or something, protecting him like a guardian angel, but it also makes me think too that maybe you had that same thought at the time of your accident. I hope you didn't realize that, sweet boy. I hope it was so quick and you were not even conscious of it. I will have to ponder that thought for a while.
Something else-I was a little annoyed when Nance posted a picture of the accident on Facebook because I didn't understand why she did it-was it to align herself with us and what we went through, get sympathy, what? I understood later though that she just wanted everyone to know what happened and that he was ok. She said she felt guilty that their outcome was so different than ours. I said everyone's life has a different plan and that it's good that Jake is ok.
Something to hide?
I have thought about this on and off-the role of the guy who works at Tippins' in your accident. At first his account bothered me because I didn't even know another car existed in front of the truck and then how he said you were totally in his lane. Dad is mad about this account because it doesn't make any sense but then I said, why would he lie.
Dad's problem with him is that he said he had to pull off the side of the road to get out of your way, but there is no shoulder there. Also, if you were that far over in his lane and even swerved to get back, you wouldn't have hit the truck the way you did, in your front corner. It probably would have hit more on the passenger side as you tried to swerve back in your lane. That's why I don't think it was a distracted driving issue, because it seems like there would have been evidence of an attempt made by you to get back over once you noticed that other car. Another thing that bothered me about that car is that if you hit them instead of the truck, you would probably still be alive today. I just read about a head-on crash today between two vehicles that were similar in size and they sustained no life-threatening injuries, just broken legs, feet, etc. (like you).
I just had a thought that maybe they had a reason to lie if something they did caused the accident. In the police report, they said they saw the crash in their rear view mirror and that they didn't see you at all as the driver to see what you were doing. That's what confirms in my mind that you were incapacitated somehow and were no longer in control of your vehicle.
I guess I don't understand why the police would still let this go even with information that doesn't match up. Maybe because there was no reason to dig anymore since it was pretty obvious that it was your fault since the accident happened in the other lane. I just wish there were more answers, I don't know why I want to know. It won't bring you back. It won't take away the pain. I guess I just have to accept it. It just bugs me when things don't fit together. Please help me with this Lord!
Dad's problem with him is that he said he had to pull off the side of the road to get out of your way, but there is no shoulder there. Also, if you were that far over in his lane and even swerved to get back, you wouldn't have hit the truck the way you did, in your front corner. It probably would have hit more on the passenger side as you tried to swerve back in your lane. That's why I don't think it was a distracted driving issue, because it seems like there would have been evidence of an attempt made by you to get back over once you noticed that other car. Another thing that bothered me about that car is that if you hit them instead of the truck, you would probably still be alive today. I just read about a head-on crash today between two vehicles that were similar in size and they sustained no life-threatening injuries, just broken legs, feet, etc. (like you).
I just had a thought that maybe they had a reason to lie if something they did caused the accident. In the police report, they said they saw the crash in their rear view mirror and that they didn't see you at all as the driver to see what you were doing. That's what confirms in my mind that you were incapacitated somehow and were no longer in control of your vehicle.
I guess I don't understand why the police would still let this go even with information that doesn't match up. Maybe because there was no reason to dig anymore since it was pretty obvious that it was your fault since the accident happened in the other lane. I just wish there were more answers, I don't know why I want to know. It won't bring you back. It won't take away the pain. I guess I just have to accept it. It just bugs me when things don't fit together. Please help me with this Lord!
Back to Ele's Place
Tonight we are returning to Ele's Place after about six weeks off which included spring break and Hope's water polo season. The kids are excited about going back, but I haven't even really thought about it for a while, so I'm not sure how I feel about going back.
Of course, I wish we didn't have a reason to go there in the first place. It might be weird too because of discussions that I've missed (trying to say we since Dad is not usually there). I don't want to walk in and start spouting off about things that have already been discussed. Oh, well.
We have another conflict for next week too, (Hope's band concert) so I feel bad about that. This group should not make me feel bad! It's supposed to help me! I have to remember that.
Of course, I wish we didn't have a reason to go there in the first place. It might be weird too because of discussions that I've missed (trying to say we since Dad is not usually there). I don't want to walk in and start spouting off about things that have already been discussed. Oh, well.
We have another conflict for next week too, (Hope's band concert) so I feel bad about that. This group should not make me feel bad! It's supposed to help me! I have to remember that.
There is Hope
This is from #OCA. It interested me because this lady's son was older when he died. He committed suicide but there are some good thoughts in it. It was written by Faith Sims.
It isn't for the moment that you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh (I believe she was Charles Lindbergh's wife whose baby was taken from their home and found dead/murdered)
"My son, my son."
These were the barely audible, barely understandable words of my husband as he called to tell me that our son had died. That's all it took for me to throw the phone across the room trying to make the true untrue.
...His death was unthinkable and couldn't have happened. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
It wasn't to be.
The death of a child, no matter the age of the child, is such an unnatural loss. Our children should bury us, not the other way around. When I became a mother, I understood the possible risks involved in having children and loving them so much. Something could happen, accidents, sickness, death.
Yet... (I'm learning to love this word-so hopeful)
After (Hayden's) death, I woke up most mornings disappointed and a little mad at God that I woke up at all. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to be with him. My heart was too broken to go on.
I did wake up though, day after day. Eventually, I was okay with it (waking up I think she means), and finally, thankful for it. I am thankful that God loved me enough to continue to hold me when I didn't even want to be held. I cried out to Him in my hurt, my anger, my shock, my brokenness-and He met me there. He has always been there-my hope. I knew He understood my pain, His Son, too, had died.
My faith in Jesus (and his faith in Jesus) and knowing I will spend eternity with my son is what gets me up in the mornings and propels me forward during the day. The love I have for my family pushes me to look for joy, and the sweet memories of (Hayden) keep him very much at the forefront of my mind.
The depth of our grief is in direct correlation with the width and breadth of our love.
My son died on (August 21, 2015), that date will always loom heavily as it approaches. Its weight is heavy and its burden overwhelming. We buried him on (August 29th)...It's a hard time for our family. The first year was naturally devastating. The second year took me by surprise, as it increased the awareness that the loss is permanent (not looking forward to that!). Now, I see each year will be a mark on the calendar of how much we lost that day. But...There is hope because we get closer to seeing him again. Oh, that makes me smile!
I've learned so much during the past two years. Some, I wish I didn't have to know, but there is so much wisdom that comes from loss, grief, and brokenness that couldn't come any other way.
My hope is that I can be a light for others who find themselves in the path of brokenness. My prayer is to be a comfort to those in need, as I have been comforted. My desire is to show the love and hope that we have in Christ, even in (especially in) our struggles.
The pain is real. The tears are hot and streaming-But God!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
It isn't for the moment that you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh (I believe she was Charles Lindbergh's wife whose baby was taken from their home and found dead/murdered)
"My son, my son."
These were the barely audible, barely understandable words of my husband as he called to tell me that our son had died. That's all it took for me to throw the phone across the room trying to make the true untrue.
...His death was unthinkable and couldn't have happened. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
It wasn't to be.
The death of a child, no matter the age of the child, is such an unnatural loss. Our children should bury us, not the other way around. When I became a mother, I understood the possible risks involved in having children and loving them so much. Something could happen, accidents, sickness, death.
Yet... (I'm learning to love this word-so hopeful)
After (Hayden's) death, I woke up most mornings disappointed and a little mad at God that I woke up at all. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to be with him. My heart was too broken to go on.
I did wake up though, day after day. Eventually, I was okay with it (waking up I think she means), and finally, thankful for it. I am thankful that God loved me enough to continue to hold me when I didn't even want to be held. I cried out to Him in my hurt, my anger, my shock, my brokenness-and He met me there. He has always been there-my hope. I knew He understood my pain, His Son, too, had died.
My faith in Jesus (and his faith in Jesus) and knowing I will spend eternity with my son is what gets me up in the mornings and propels me forward during the day. The love I have for my family pushes me to look for joy, and the sweet memories of (Hayden) keep him very much at the forefront of my mind.
The depth of our grief is in direct correlation with the width and breadth of our love.
My son died on (August 21, 2015), that date will always loom heavily as it approaches. Its weight is heavy and its burden overwhelming. We buried him on (August 29th)...It's a hard time for our family. The first year was naturally devastating. The second year took me by surprise, as it increased the awareness that the loss is permanent (not looking forward to that!). Now, I see each year will be a mark on the calendar of how much we lost that day. But...There is hope because we get closer to seeing him again. Oh, that makes me smile!
I've learned so much during the past two years. Some, I wish I didn't have to know, but there is so much wisdom that comes from loss, grief, and brokenness that couldn't come any other way.
My hope is that I can be a light for others who find themselves in the path of brokenness. My prayer is to be a comfort to those in need, as I have been comforted. My desire is to show the love and hope that we have in Christ, even in (especially in) our struggles.
The pain is real. The tears are hot and streaming-But God!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Yearbook
Hope brought her yearbook home yesterday and she said that you were in it this year! There was a little picture of Ken Gilmore when he lead a prayer for you on the day of the crash at the pep rally uptown, a picture of the Strive event and a little story about that and you were mentioned on the water polo team page.
I wrote down what was said on the water polo page and I will look up the other little articles at a later date. You were even mentioned in the title of the water polo page: A Big Splash, Ripples in the Water As the Team Recovers. There was a part on the page titled, "Brothers In and Out of the Water" and there was a picture of the back of Connor Judge and someone else (I guess I have to look at all of this again-sorry!) Underneath the smaller title it said #HaydenStrongForever. Here is a quote from Connor Judge: "Despite losing one of our brothers, we picked up right where we left off and got working hard in the pool," senior Connor Judge said. "The season was not as much about the team anymore as it was about wanting to push and stay strong for the Smith family." Then it said In loving memory of Hayden Smith. Love it! Love you!
(Jesus Loves Me is playing on Pandora right now.)
Another note about the "Brothers In and Out of the Water": There was a cross-section of little headlines on the front of the yearbook and that title was on the front. Wow!
I wrote down what was said on the water polo page and I will look up the other little articles at a later date. You were even mentioned in the title of the water polo page: A Big Splash, Ripples in the Water As the Team Recovers. There was a part on the page titled, "Brothers In and Out of the Water" and there was a picture of the back of Connor Judge and someone else (I guess I have to look at all of this again-sorry!) Underneath the smaller title it said #HaydenStrongForever. Here is a quote from Connor Judge: "Despite losing one of our brothers, we picked up right where we left off and got working hard in the pool," senior Connor Judge said. "The season was not as much about the team anymore as it was about wanting to push and stay strong for the Smith family." Then it said In loving memory of Hayden Smith. Love it! Love you!
(Jesus Loves Me is playing on Pandora right now.)
Another note about the "Brothers In and Out of the Water": There was a cross-section of little headlines on the front of the yearbook and that title was on the front. Wow!
Monday, May 16, 2016
Behind the Scenes
While it looks like things are out of control, behind the scenes there is a God who hasn't surrended His authority.
-A.W. Tozer (posted by Toby Mac)
To Hope Again
Some of this sounded familiar but some of it didn't, so I don't know if I have already recorded it. From #OCA series-this one was written by Sarah Damaska.
There's a birthday coming up in just a few days and as I look out the window, daydreaming about (his) hair, (his) eyes, (his) giggle, I glance down to see the daffodils, bravely poking their little heads up out of the snow. They've been waiting to appear and it's time, in spite of the millions of flakes floating down from the sky.
I want to be like the daffodils. I want to hope, even when it seems laughable. I want to stretch toward the sky, even when I feel like shrinking into the ground. I want to have faith that spring will come, even in the middle of winter.
Those first days after we buried our (Hayden) and I was still shaking my head from the shock, from the reality that changed in the blink of an eye, I felt myself surrounded by a deep fog. Call it what you will, but it was as horrible as it was beautiful. Jesus cared for us so tenderly during those days-the days of toddlers who didn't know how to process the sadness of losing the sister they adored, the days of leading a church who was grappling with their own grief as they watched us, the days of lonely sorrow.
We went to buy a stone for her grave, though I had resisted for months. It seemed so final to me, the very last thing to check off the list. But I didn't want to finish the list, because then it seemed we would be done caring for her. But I went and no sooner had we walked in the door, that I was sobbing. I couldn't stop. "Here are the most popular choices," the man said and I wanted to hate him. Popular was not what I wanted. I wanted my baby, fresh from the bath, giggling when I tickled her chubby thighs. We gave him the dates and the spelling of her name and he typed it into his computer, showing us a mock-up. I stared at the screen, the weight of my husband's hand on my lap and I just couldn't believe that this was my life.
And yet.
Buried underneath the fog of grief, something was growing. I watched the mound of dirt on her grave turn to grass, and oh! it hurt to see new things growing, yet I was aware that God was teaching me new truth. He was taking my deepest wounds and He was healing them. When I gave Him my broken heart, Jesus handed me hope. It's what Nicholas Wolterstorff wrote in his book Lament for a Son
(I want to read that!):
And sometimes, when the cry is intense, there emerges a radiance which elsewhere seldom appears: a glow of courage, of love, of insight, of selflessness, of faith. In that radiance we see best what humanity was meant to be...In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making.
Psalm 84:6 says it like this, "When we walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!" If anyone knew about suffering, it was God's people, the Israelites. The Old Testament is full of stories of how they fought and failed and stumbled and grieved. And yet somehow they knew that God is a God of redemption and rebuilding. They knew that somehow, in some unexplainable way, He would take their tears and make them into pools of blessing.
And so, in our sorrow, we take the hope Jesus hands to us and we refuse to believe that our losses made us less. It comes at a cost and it takes a mountain of courage and bravery, because the person we become is so very different than the one we were before. But bravery is a choice, not a feeling. You, like me, might realize that you've been changed as a result of your grief. As we sift through our memories and emotions, we slowly find a way to get back up on our feet, to realize that we will have the strength to go on. We look at the dry valley of our life and realize the tears of sorrow have suddenly turned to pools of blessing.
Just like the brave daffodils, we see the beauty in what we thought was only brokenness. We usher in a new season, as winter gives way to the warmth of spring and we remember what it means to hope again.
There's a birthday coming up in just a few days and as I look out the window, daydreaming about (his) hair, (his) eyes, (his) giggle, I glance down to see the daffodils, bravely poking their little heads up out of the snow. They've been waiting to appear and it's time, in spite of the millions of flakes floating down from the sky.
I want to be like the daffodils. I want to hope, even when it seems laughable. I want to stretch toward the sky, even when I feel like shrinking into the ground. I want to have faith that spring will come, even in the middle of winter.
Those first days after we buried our (Hayden) and I was still shaking my head from the shock, from the reality that changed in the blink of an eye, I felt myself surrounded by a deep fog. Call it what you will, but it was as horrible as it was beautiful. Jesus cared for us so tenderly during those days-the days of toddlers who didn't know how to process the sadness of losing the sister they adored, the days of leading a church who was grappling with their own grief as they watched us, the days of lonely sorrow.
We went to buy a stone for her grave, though I had resisted for months. It seemed so final to me, the very last thing to check off the list. But I didn't want to finish the list, because then it seemed we would be done caring for her. But I went and no sooner had we walked in the door, that I was sobbing. I couldn't stop. "Here are the most popular choices," the man said and I wanted to hate him. Popular was not what I wanted. I wanted my baby, fresh from the bath, giggling when I tickled her chubby thighs. We gave him the dates and the spelling of her name and he typed it into his computer, showing us a mock-up. I stared at the screen, the weight of my husband's hand on my lap and I just couldn't believe that this was my life.
And yet.
Buried underneath the fog of grief, something was growing. I watched the mound of dirt on her grave turn to grass, and oh! it hurt to see new things growing, yet I was aware that God was teaching me new truth. He was taking my deepest wounds and He was healing them. When I gave Him my broken heart, Jesus handed me hope. It's what Nicholas Wolterstorff wrote in his book Lament for a Son
(I want to read that!):
And sometimes, when the cry is intense, there emerges a radiance which elsewhere seldom appears: a glow of courage, of love, of insight, of selflessness, of faith. In that radiance we see best what humanity was meant to be...In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making.
Psalm 84:6 says it like this, "When we walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!" If anyone knew about suffering, it was God's people, the Israelites. The Old Testament is full of stories of how they fought and failed and stumbled and grieved. And yet somehow they knew that God is a God of redemption and rebuilding. They knew that somehow, in some unexplainable way, He would take their tears and make them into pools of blessing.
And so, in our sorrow, we take the hope Jesus hands to us and we refuse to believe that our losses made us less. It comes at a cost and it takes a mountain of courage and bravery, because the person we become is so very different than the one we were before. But bravery is a choice, not a feeling. You, like me, might realize that you've been changed as a result of your grief. As we sift through our memories and emotions, we slowly find a way to get back up on our feet, to realize that we will have the strength to go on. We look at the dry valley of our life and realize the tears of sorrow have suddenly turned to pools of blessing.
Just like the brave daffodils, we see the beauty in what we thought was only brokenness. We usher in a new season, as winter gives way to the warmth of spring and we remember what it means to hope again.
Beautiful young men
At Carter's water polo tournament this weekend again, I noticed how beautiful some of the young men were (like you). I noticed Sam and Ethan's older brother, Mateo, and another older brother of someone else on WWP. (I kept looking at him-I hope he didn't notice).
I wonder if their families realize how blessed they are to have such beautiful young men living with them in their homes. They probably take it for granted. I might have here and there. What a privilege. Not that physical beauty is important, but it was something you were blessed with, inside and out. I miss beholding your beauty on a daily basis.
I wonder if their families realize how blessed they are to have such beautiful young men living with them in their homes. They probably take it for granted. I might have here and there. What a privilege. Not that physical beauty is important, but it was something you were blessed with, inside and out. I miss beholding your beauty on a daily basis.
Not dehydrated
I posted something about dehydration after I read about a girl who blacked out while driving and hit a pole and it was from dehydration. I thought that maybe that's what happened to you because of your intense working out, that it must have been a challenge for you to keep hydrated.
I still think that you passed out/fell asleep at the wheel and that's what caused your accident, but I know you were always drinking water, had water bottles with you, etc. Nance posted a picture of your Gatorade water bottle that she found under the bed that you slept in at the lake house. Later on, in the church nursery, I noticed someone had left an Ice Mountain water bottle on the ledge, and it reminded me of how you always left yours around when you brought them to church You always had water with you. I think you were very careful about that.
I still think that you passed out/fell asleep at the wheel and that's what caused your accident, but I know you were always drinking water, had water bottles with you, etc. Nance posted a picture of your Gatorade water bottle that she found under the bed that you slept in at the lake house. Later on, in the church nursery, I noticed someone had left an Ice Mountain water bottle on the ledge, and it reminded me of how you always left yours around when you brought them to church You always had water with you. I think you were very careful about that.
Hanging with friends
On Friday night at Hope's district game, Jake, Alex and Robby C. came up from the pool deck to leave and waved "hi" to a group of girls who were sitting next to us. At first, I felt bad because when I said "hi" to them, nobody really responded except Alex, but I think it was bad timing with them seeing their other friends just beyond me.
I thought about this at home and it made me sad because I wished that you were here and were able to hang out with your friends. I then thought that, even though I know how much you love them, that whatever you are doing now is much better than hanging out with friends here on earth.
You were called for a higher purpose. Hanging out with friends just seems so meaningless compared to what you were called to do, what you have done and what you are doing now and will continue to do. I know you feel the same way too. Of course, there are many times I wished that none of this had ever happened and that everything was just the way it used to be. That would be the easy way out.
But it has happened and nothing can change it. God had a special plan for you and your life. Praise God for that! Love you so much!
I thought about this at home and it made me sad because I wished that you were here and were able to hang out with your friends. I then thought that, even though I know how much you love them, that whatever you are doing now is much better than hanging out with friends here on earth.
You were called for a higher purpose. Hanging out with friends just seems so meaningless compared to what you were called to do, what you have done and what you are doing now and will continue to do. I know you feel the same way too. Of course, there are many times I wished that none of this had ever happened and that everything was just the way it used to be. That would be the easy way out.
But it has happened and nothing can change it. God had a special plan for you and your life. Praise God for that! Love you so much!
May Hayden dream
It must have been Saturday night, but you were in my dream. I think you were in most of it, but the only part I remember is you and I walking up to a house (it was white I think) and you fell on the sidewalk into some sand and when you got up, I was trying to shake the sand out of your hair. It was your tall body but the head and hair style on it were from your younger days, like maybe pre-Middle School since you didn't have your long hair. The sand was like white sand and you didn't fall too hard, you just ended up flat on your back and I don't know if you got up yourself or if I pulled you up. Anyway-it was just nice to see you again.
I was trying to make the title of this different than Hayden Dream or Another Hayden Dream, that's why I put May in front of this one, but I like how it makes a little sentence too of its own (or even a wish): May Hayden dream. Love you!
I was trying to make the title of this different than Hayden Dream or Another Hayden Dream, that's why I put May in front of this one, but I like how it makes a little sentence too of its own (or even a wish): May Hayden dream. Love you!
Life Flight
This weekend we were in Bowling Green for another one of Carter's water polo tournaments. On the way home, the highway was blocked off for an accident so we had to take some back roads to get to another entrance ramp.
We were parallel to the highway and could see all of the fire engines, police cars, etc. and at least one vehicle in the ditch. We then saw the Life Flight helicopter taking off into the sky and of course it made us think of your accident, with little Hayden in it flying to the hospital. It was weird actually seeing it instead of just imagining it.
It looked like the hospital was quite a ways away from the highway. Luckily, you didn't have a very long way to go to U of M. It made me thankful that they will go to any length to try to preserve life, even when it looks hopeless. That made the difference for you organ donors and for you to be with us at the hospital when you left this earth. God bless you sweet boy!
(Another weird thing that happened when we were down there this weekend is that we were right near a Crop Production Services truck on the highway on our way to Chick-Fil-A. I thought they were just a local company and I never expected to see one of those trucks outside of MI. That makes me think that I was just thinking/ hoping/praying for the ability to see the events of the accident more clearly and objectively since the initial heavy cloud of sorrow has lifted. I thought I would have to seek these opportunities on my own, like having to reach out to people like witnesses, etc., but some of it is falling into my lap, like even passing the Crop Production Services truck the other day in the Sable and seeing the tremendous size difference up close. Thank you Lord and thank you Hayden for helping me with this. Love you!)
We were parallel to the highway and could see all of the fire engines, police cars, etc. and at least one vehicle in the ditch. We then saw the Life Flight helicopter taking off into the sky and of course it made us think of your accident, with little Hayden in it flying to the hospital. It was weird actually seeing it instead of just imagining it.
It looked like the hospital was quite a ways away from the highway. Luckily, you didn't have a very long way to go to U of M. It made me thankful that they will go to any length to try to preserve life, even when it looks hopeless. That made the difference for you organ donors and for you to be with us at the hospital when you left this earth. God bless you sweet boy!
(Another weird thing that happened when we were down there this weekend is that we were right near a Crop Production Services truck on the highway on our way to Chick-Fil-A. I thought they were just a local company and I never expected to see one of those trucks outside of MI. That makes me think that I was just thinking/ hoping/praying for the ability to see the events of the accident more clearly and objectively since the initial heavy cloud of sorrow has lifted. I thought I would have to seek these opportunities on my own, like having to reach out to people like witnesses, etc., but some of it is falling into my lap, like even passing the Crop Production Services truck the other day in the Sable and seeing the tremendous size difference up close. Thank you Lord and thank you Hayden for helping me with this. Love you!)
Friday, May 13, 2016
Choosing Life After Death
Big day for blogging! Came across this installment for #OCA series. I might only quote portions here and there. Oops-just remembered I didn't write down author of other one. Better do it now before I forget. Just did it. This one was written by Emily Garibaldi.
In my (45) short years on this earth, being (Hayden's and Hope's and Carter's) mom is the single most defining aspect of my existence and identity.
We felt our hearts shatter at the exact moment that (his) stopped.
As I reflect on (that time), I learned more than I have ever anticipated learning in my lifetime, and I am so thankful for it. (Hayden's) sheer will to live and to be happy has inspired me to continue on, for (him). Everyday that I wake up is for (Hayden and siblings). (He) has added so much more purpose to this world, even in death, and that is yet another amazing gift (he) has bestowed upon me. Despite the broken heart, there is pride under this sadness. I will forever be fortunate to have felt a love that is so indescribably raw and genuine, one that many seek for their entire lifetime.
So when asked, "How do you survive?" it is because I am so grateful to call (Hayden) my own, and no amount of grieving can take (his) spirit from my soul. I survive because (Hayden) needs me to, and I made a promise to (him) that I was going to carry on (his) legacy in this physical world. The world needs to know (he) existed. They need to know (his) story and how (he) inspired so many...
(He) gave us so much in (his) short life that it is my duty to live each moment of every day in (his) honor, even if it takes every ounce (and then some) of strength in my body to put my two feet on the ground every morning and look in the mirror..
I survive because I am choosing life, after (his) death.
To my sweet (boy), I carry on for you every day. We are so proud of you and thank you for giving us your unconditional love every day. You (and your siblings) will always be my greatest prize, and I will pick you in a thousand lifetimes. You are worth it.
By Emily Garibaldi
In my (45) short years on this earth, being (Hayden's and Hope's and Carter's) mom is the single most defining aspect of my existence and identity.
We felt our hearts shatter at the exact moment that (his) stopped.
As I reflect on (that time), I learned more than I have ever anticipated learning in my lifetime, and I am so thankful for it. (Hayden's) sheer will to live and to be happy has inspired me to continue on, for (him). Everyday that I wake up is for (Hayden and siblings). (He) has added so much more purpose to this world, even in death, and that is yet another amazing gift (he) has bestowed upon me. Despite the broken heart, there is pride under this sadness. I will forever be fortunate to have felt a love that is so indescribably raw and genuine, one that many seek for their entire lifetime.
So when asked, "How do you survive?" it is because I am so grateful to call (Hayden) my own, and no amount of grieving can take (his) spirit from my soul. I survive because (Hayden) needs me to, and I made a promise to (him) that I was going to carry on (his) legacy in this physical world. The world needs to know (he) existed. They need to know (his) story and how (he) inspired so many...
(He) gave us so much in (his) short life that it is my duty to live each moment of every day in (his) honor, even if it takes every ounce (and then some) of strength in my body to put my two feet on the ground every morning and look in the mirror..
I survive because I am choosing life, after (his) death.
To my sweet (boy), I carry on for you every day. We are so proud of you and thank you for giving us your unconditional love every day. You (and your siblings) will always be my greatest prize, and I will pick you in a thousand lifetimes. You are worth it.
By Emily Garibaldi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)