There is a park by church that we have passed a ton of times on Platt Rd. and I could never get over how beautiful it was even though it is in the middle of town. I've always wanted to stop there but never did. I think I mentioned this briefly before, maybe in the post about the day and days following your accident. One part of it has soccer fields and one is by what I have always thought of as a viaduct although I am not sure why because I don't know what that is. I guess I think that would be a man-made body of water.
Anyway, I was coming home from the hospital on Friday early evening which is the day you were pronounced dead. (I often think it was the day of your accident but I remember looking at articles online about you and those wouldn't have been online until Friday). I was alone and overwhelmed and exhausted. So I pulled into the parking lot and walked down the hill to a spot close to the water. There was a little sitting area where it's close to the water with a little gravel area and bench type seat made out of a railroad tie.
That day I sat and cried and cried and read the beautiful articles online on The Saline Post, watched the videos that had been posted, read some texts and Facebook posts that I hadn't had a chance to look at since Thursday, etc. That was the first time I had a chance to be alone with myself and with God and actually process what had happened in the past 24-36 hours. I felt your presence there too which was a comfort even in the midst of all that sorrow. It became a special place for me and I try to get here as often as I can (I am writing from here now).
I guess I told Margi about it because the next Saturday I think, she and Tracey came to get me to go for a walk and get something to drink. We came to the same park and walked down some trails behind it a little ways. We had no idea where we were and then we came near the highway which was a little scary. We were counting on Margi's wilderness skills to lead the way when we came upon a beautiful area with a larger pond and a dock/boardwalk thing across the whole thing. It was amazing! Once again. I couldn't believe it was so close to town. I was excited about this part of the park too and dragged the kids down one time, reluctantly on their part, to show them.
Anyway I am here at the boardwalk part today because someone had my other spot. I wanted to record that the kids told me recently that Jake likes this spot too because he brought them here as well. I would like to think that you lead us here as some people of the closest people to you where you can freely connect with us, although you can probably do that anywhere. Thank you for this! Love you!
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Saturday, July 30, 2016
I love Margi
Margi has my back. She cares about what happens to me. I am thankful for her and her decades of friendship.
I love Gretchen
Gretchen gets it. Period. I will tell you what I mean directly related to you because it feels like some of my recent posts don't even have much to do with you. Sorry about that.
Today was the London family reunion. Always a joy. Last night I stayed up late locating, washing and drying the reunion shirts only to find out this morning that Grandma Elsie suggested we wear our Hayden shirts. I was a little disappointed that we weren't going to wear the reunion shirts and that they were going to sit on a shelf for another year before they are worn again, but I agreed to it because it felt funny to object to it.
When we got to the reunion and the Ardners showed up, they were wearing just regular stuff. I told Gretchen that Elsie had asked us to wear the Hayden shirts. She said she knew and that she asked them too but they decided not to. The next paragraph explains why.
When we were catching up over lunch, I mentioned how the one-year anniversary is coming up. I said we weren't sure how to handle it but we heard that a special service was being planned possibly at church because of a suggestion from an extended family member. That blew me away as no one has approached us about anything. I asked Pastor who that was but he didn't say who in his most recent reply. I'm thinking it's Becky. Gretchen agreed with this and said that they aren't going to participate in anything unless we invite them, no one else. She knows that we might just want to be left alone that day. I really appreciated her saying that. I told her I felt pressured to address the issue because I felt if I didn't that someone else would. And I was right.
Who does Becky think she is to just take over without asking us? She has never lost a kid. She doesn't know what it's like. She barely knew you too. We were discussing the time of your accident and Gretchen said that there was no reason for her or Brenda (or Dad for that matter) to stay overnight at the hospital past Friday, especially since you were already gone. She asked them to leave I think on Sunday to give us some time with you and Becky got all upset and said, "Gretchen said we have to leave!" What's her problem? It was so disrespectful.
Gretchen told me too that she was at the cemetery the other day and was just getting in her car to leave when a car drove up behind her (she didn't know who it was at first) and they were honking all the way into the cemetery until they pulled up behind her and it was Becky! What is her problem? In a cemetery?
Anyway, Gretchen and I had another great talk (with our feet in the lake) and covered all kinds of things, like how money problems can make marriage so much harder (which is so true), how much we've struggled in general, some of the ins and outs of when they lost their home and Grandma Elsie "bought" it to get it out of foreclosure at a variable rate and then changed her mind when it was time to refinance, etc. I guess a lot of it was about money. It's a problem! When someone isn't making enough or any but still making bad decisions with it, etc. Among another million things.
She also said she can't believe how I let Grandma Elsie move in with us (I still can't either) and I told her that she was supposed to help with bills, etc. and she didn't. There were so many other things. Talking to her is like therapy for me. I thank the Lord for her and I thank the Lord for YOU! Love you!
Today was the London family reunion. Always a joy. Last night I stayed up late locating, washing and drying the reunion shirts only to find out this morning that Grandma Elsie suggested we wear our Hayden shirts. I was a little disappointed that we weren't going to wear the reunion shirts and that they were going to sit on a shelf for another year before they are worn again, but I agreed to it because it felt funny to object to it.
When we got to the reunion and the Ardners showed up, they were wearing just regular stuff. I told Gretchen that Elsie had asked us to wear the Hayden shirts. She said she knew and that she asked them too but they decided not to. The next paragraph explains why.
When we were catching up over lunch, I mentioned how the one-year anniversary is coming up. I said we weren't sure how to handle it but we heard that a special service was being planned possibly at church because of a suggestion from an extended family member. That blew me away as no one has approached us about anything. I asked Pastor who that was but he didn't say who in his most recent reply. I'm thinking it's Becky. Gretchen agreed with this and said that they aren't going to participate in anything unless we invite them, no one else. She knows that we might just want to be left alone that day. I really appreciated her saying that. I told her I felt pressured to address the issue because I felt if I didn't that someone else would. And I was right.
Who does Becky think she is to just take over without asking us? She has never lost a kid. She doesn't know what it's like. She barely knew you too. We were discussing the time of your accident and Gretchen said that there was no reason for her or Brenda (or Dad for that matter) to stay overnight at the hospital past Friday, especially since you were already gone. She asked them to leave I think on Sunday to give us some time with you and Becky got all upset and said, "Gretchen said we have to leave!" What's her problem? It was so disrespectful.
Gretchen told me too that she was at the cemetery the other day and was just getting in her car to leave when a car drove up behind her (she didn't know who it was at first) and they were honking all the way into the cemetery until they pulled up behind her and it was Becky! What is her problem? In a cemetery?
Anyway, Gretchen and I had another great talk (with our feet in the lake) and covered all kinds of things, like how money problems can make marriage so much harder (which is so true), how much we've struggled in general, some of the ins and outs of when they lost their home and Grandma Elsie "bought" it to get it out of foreclosure at a variable rate and then changed her mind when it was time to refinance, etc. I guess a lot of it was about money. It's a problem! When someone isn't making enough or any but still making bad decisions with it, etc. Among another million things.
She also said she can't believe how I let Grandma Elsie move in with us (I still can't either) and I told her that she was supposed to help with bills, etc. and she didn't. There were so many other things. Talking to her is like therapy for me. I thank the Lord for her and I thank the Lord for YOU! Love you!
Friday, July 29, 2016
Discussion last night
Last night Dad and I had a discussion about ending our marriage. We both agreed it's going nowhere and that nothing seems like it's going to change. Dad felt the need to inform Pastor of our decision in an email and he did not react well as expected. Oh boy.
I feel like I have more to say about this but I don't know where to begin. I can no longer teach Sunday School or Junior Church. Thanks, Bill. That's what he wanted. It's not like I parade around acting like I'm so great and holy-Pastor asked me to teach that Sunday School class in the fall because there was no one else to. I wasn't sure because having Carter in my class usually doesn't work well and I was mentally drained from just losing you. I said yes though. Even though I don't think I'm good at teaching or having kids listen to me.
Same with Junior Church. Bill volunteered us again at one point and then bailed. I didn't want to leave Mrs. Reid and the Carnes hanging so I stuck it out, even though it was hard on my own. I just feel bad for them, because who else will do it? There's nobody. I keep trying to get out of these things, but I keep being asked to help again. Like secretarial stuff. Is anyone doing that? I thought Becky Banks was at one point. And then Sarah didn't do that great of a job. And decorations. Once Sarah was gone, it was back to me again. Which is fine. I'm not complaining-I'm just saying these things choose me, I don't choose them. And they keep re-choosing me.
It's just like with potluck. At one point when I had kids to chase, I had no idea how to set up/clean up for potluck. Now I am the "expert." That's fine but I don't know why other people can't help me. It's a lot of work. I don't think people realize that. And the coffee table-does no one else care about keeping it clean/stocked?
Darn it-Pastor makes me feel like dirt. Like nobody else sins in the church except me/us. I know the Reids have marital problems. And what about Ashley's sin of premarital sex and pregnancy? And Becky's? And Daniel spending time in jail? Does anyone get "punished" for that? No, their kids are loved and accepted, James is still a deacon, etc. He acts like I have a choice with these marital problems. I am under constant verbal attack. What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to survive-emotionally, financially, psychologically, in all the ways I need to survive. Yet, Bill keeps pulling me down as I am crawling my way up.
I think God and I are ok. Am I mistaken? Pastor only knows what he is told about our situation. God sees it all. Pastor hears from Bill's skewed viewpoint and what I choose to share. There are things I don't even share out of kindness. Or things I can't explain. How many times can I make sure I am "saved"? I have done it several times to make sure. What Bill is doing is wrong-bottom line. Why do I have to keep telling myself that over and over? Help me Lord! I think you are hearing my prayers. I hope you are! Love you Hayden!
I feel like I have more to say about this but I don't know where to begin. I can no longer teach Sunday School or Junior Church. Thanks, Bill. That's what he wanted. It's not like I parade around acting like I'm so great and holy-Pastor asked me to teach that Sunday School class in the fall because there was no one else to. I wasn't sure because having Carter in my class usually doesn't work well and I was mentally drained from just losing you. I said yes though. Even though I don't think I'm good at teaching or having kids listen to me.
Same with Junior Church. Bill volunteered us again at one point and then bailed. I didn't want to leave Mrs. Reid and the Carnes hanging so I stuck it out, even though it was hard on my own. I just feel bad for them, because who else will do it? There's nobody. I keep trying to get out of these things, but I keep being asked to help again. Like secretarial stuff. Is anyone doing that? I thought Becky Banks was at one point. And then Sarah didn't do that great of a job. And decorations. Once Sarah was gone, it was back to me again. Which is fine. I'm not complaining-I'm just saying these things choose me, I don't choose them. And they keep re-choosing me.
It's just like with potluck. At one point when I had kids to chase, I had no idea how to set up/clean up for potluck. Now I am the "expert." That's fine but I don't know why other people can't help me. It's a lot of work. I don't think people realize that. And the coffee table-does no one else care about keeping it clean/stocked?
Darn it-Pastor makes me feel like dirt. Like nobody else sins in the church except me/us. I know the Reids have marital problems. And what about Ashley's sin of premarital sex and pregnancy? And Becky's? And Daniel spending time in jail? Does anyone get "punished" for that? No, their kids are loved and accepted, James is still a deacon, etc. He acts like I have a choice with these marital problems. I am under constant verbal attack. What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to survive-emotionally, financially, psychologically, in all the ways I need to survive. Yet, Bill keeps pulling me down as I am crawling my way up.
I think God and I are ok. Am I mistaken? Pastor only knows what he is told about our situation. God sees it all. Pastor hears from Bill's skewed viewpoint and what I choose to share. There are things I don't even share out of kindness. Or things I can't explain. How many times can I make sure I am "saved"? I have done it several times to make sure. What Bill is doing is wrong-bottom line. Why do I have to keep telling myself that over and over? Help me Lord! I think you are hearing my prayers. I hope you are! Love you Hayden!
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Take a deep breath
From #OCA series, this was in a little video (no pictures, just the words). It's beautiful and so are you!
Take a deep breath with me...
I need you to hear this...
Give yourself permission.
Give yourself permission to feel.
Give yourself permission to love.
Give yourself permission to ache.
Give yourself permission to live.
If you could hear them, they'd tell you they want that.
They want the best for you.
They want you to live fully.
They want you to love deeply.
They want you to laugh.
They want you to change this world with love.
You-their hero.
You-the one who is braving each day.
You-the one who will never stop saying their name.
Keep holding on.
You're making them proud, my friend.
Take a deep breath with me...
I need you to hear this...
Give yourself permission.
Give yourself permission to feel.
Give yourself permission to love.
Give yourself permission to ache.
Give yourself permission to live.
If you could hear them, they'd tell you they want that.
They want the best for you.
They want you to live fully.
They want you to love deeply.
They want you to laugh.
They want you to change this world with love.
You-their hero.
You-the one who is braving each day.
You-the one who will never stop saying their name.
Keep holding on.
You're making them proud, my friend.
How long?
Psalm 13: 1-2 (NIV): How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Here's the NKJV:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will You hide your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
Here's the NKJV:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will You hide your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
The moment
This was a poem on Facebook today that someone shared:
The moment that you died
my heart was torn in two,
one side filled with heartache,
the other died with you.
I often lie awake at night,
when the world is fast asleep, and
take a walk down memory lane,
with tears upon my cheeks.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
but missing you is heartache
that never goes away.
I hold you tightly within my heart
and there you will remain.
Until the joyous day arrives,
That we will meet again.
The moment that you died
my heart was torn in two,
one side filled with heartache,
the other died with you.
I often lie awake at night,
when the world is fast asleep, and
take a walk down memory lane,
with tears upon my cheeks.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
but missing you is heartache
that never goes away.
I hold you tightly within my heart
and there you will remain.
Until the joyous day arrives,
That we will meet again.
Stained glass windows
This was from a story on Faithit about a lady who takes in babies in hospice (she's a nurse) and takes care of them at her home until they die. Her name is Cori Salchert. What prompted her to start this was an incident from her childhood in which her disabled sister was in a group home and wandered off one day because of an unlocked door and drowned in a pond. She often thought how scared her sister must have been to die all alone. She quoted the following song lyric in her story:
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored, but anything that's shattered that's laid before the Lord will not be unredeemed. (double negative-can't resist! Sorry!)
Here's how she ended the story: We invest deeply and we ache terribly when these kids die, but our hearts are like stained glass windows. Those windows are made of broken glass which has been forged back together, and those windows are even stronger and more beautiful for having been broken.
Love you boy!
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored, but anything that's shattered that's laid before the Lord will not be unredeemed. (double negative-can't resist! Sorry!)
Here's how she ended the story: We invest deeply and we ache terribly when these kids die, but our hearts are like stained glass windows. Those windows are made of broken glass which has been forged back together, and those windows are even stronger and more beautiful for having been broken.
Love you boy!
Sacred Love
The #OCA project has a grief journal coming out. I'm tempted to get it, but I usually fizzle out on journals like that. They gave a sample of one of the "prompts" they call it.
Prompt 2: Sacred Love
The love possessed in your heart for your loved one is a force to behold. It's stronger than the grasp of death; it's greater than a sea of tears. Your love is powerful. Your love is great. Grief is the way that love is manifested itself in your heart for the one who is no longer physically present. Grief can be dark and isolating and painful, but remember that love is the reason you are in this place. Love is what brought you here. Love is what you still hold in your heart. A love that is still shared though worlds may separate you. This love. Spend some time reflecting on this love today. Soak in the beauty of it. What does it look like? What represents this love to you? What are ways you can continue to pour out your love for your loved one, even though they are no longer physically present?
Prompt 2: Sacred Love
The love possessed in your heart for your loved one is a force to behold. It's stronger than the grasp of death; it's greater than a sea of tears. Your love is powerful. Your love is great. Grief is the way that love is manifested itself in your heart for the one who is no longer physically present. Grief can be dark and isolating and painful, but remember that love is the reason you are in this place. Love is what brought you here. Love is what you still hold in your heart. A love that is still shared though worlds may separate you. This love. Spend some time reflecting on this love today. Soak in the beauty of it. What does it look like? What represents this love to you? What are ways you can continue to pour out your love for your loved one, even though they are no longer physically present?
In all the world there is no love for you like mine.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Organ donors
Lydia Kimball posted this on Facebook:
Without the organ donor, there is no story, no hope, no transplant. But when there is an organ donor, life springs from death, sorrow turns to hope and a terrible loss becomes a gift. -Unos
Without the organ donor, there is no story, no hope, no transplant. But when there is an organ donor, life springs from death, sorrow turns to hope and a terrible loss becomes a gift. -Unos
He is wrong
I have this thought often but I then I turn around and start blaming myself for my marriage problems. (By the way, I think I hate the word "marriage" because whenever I hear Dad say it, it's always in a negative way.) I know I am far from the perfect wife, but he is doing a lot of things wrong.
As I discussed with Hope, Dad falls asleep almost every week during the sermon. What is the point of that? Hope said that a Christian shouldn't do that. They should be interested in the Word and want to learn it. It should be riveting. Not something to fall asleep during.
He is too much into worldly things-his phone, TV, going out to eat/movies, drinking beer, etc. It's like he knows all of the lingo and how to "act" as a Christian-even his public prayers are good. But that doesn't mean anything if he doesn't live it day-to-day. Why is he so paranoid about carrying a gun everywhere and making sure the doors are locked, there's security lighting, etc.? It's like he knows the things to say to "fit in" but he doesn't believe them in his heart.
He never says he's sorry. Never. It's the same way with how he knows how to act nice around others, but when he's at home it's a whole different story. And he's so lazy! There are obviously things that need to be done around the house-things that don't necessarily cost money. But he does nothing! Even when we have the money, he spends it on stupid things. That's why he was so against having the graduation party at our house-he's embarrassed at the condition of the house, as he should be! He doesn't shovel, he doesn't mow, he doesn't take out the garbage, what does he do? He doesn't provide. He puts us more into debt. He makes everything more difficult. He made that fancy back on your headstone and now we can't pay for it. He gets a lease against my wishes in my name and now we can't pay what we owe on it. He eats out when there is a fridge-full of homemade dinner food at home, but he will look past that and either have cereal or peanut butter because he's too lazy to put a plate together for himself.
He's sporadic about church attendance, even before Hayden's accident. We used to go to Sunday School, morning service, evening service and we were always there Wednesday nights. Now he is down to almost making it for morning service and even that is not always a given. He eats whatever he wants, healthy or not (always not), plays basketball as much as possible, not for exercise but for fun with his friends (of which he has very few friends), takes off and doesn't care to tell anyone where he is going or answer his phone when we are asking where he is.
And what about when he flew off the handle about me "interrupting" his voice text? To stupid Steve (not that Steve is stupid, but it wasn't to a client or anything). I truly have not ever pondered voice texting and didn't think that my voice would be picked up on his message. I just wanted to tell him that if he was talking to the kids that they weren't home anyway. And then he freaks out and makes me answer why I did that, why I have to be so controlling and I wouldn't answer, so he stopped the car on the side of the highway and threatened to stay there until I answered. It was an honest mistake-usually if he's leaving an important message with someone, he will ask for silence or something and I was just trying to tell him something. That was totally uncalled for and undeserved.
He keeps saying if I want to leave then to go ahead. He can't afford the house on his own. I can't either but at least I have resources to help me. I really don't know what to do. If I am quiet, I get in trouble, if I say stuff, I get in trouble. Lord, help me! I don't know what to do! I don't want to live off of his mom's credit card for the next two weeks-please provide another way! Thank you Lord! Love you boy!
As I discussed with Hope, Dad falls asleep almost every week during the sermon. What is the point of that? Hope said that a Christian shouldn't do that. They should be interested in the Word and want to learn it. It should be riveting. Not something to fall asleep during.
He is too much into worldly things-his phone, TV, going out to eat/movies, drinking beer, etc. It's like he knows all of the lingo and how to "act" as a Christian-even his public prayers are good. But that doesn't mean anything if he doesn't live it day-to-day. Why is he so paranoid about carrying a gun everywhere and making sure the doors are locked, there's security lighting, etc.? It's like he knows the things to say to "fit in" but he doesn't believe them in his heart.
He never says he's sorry. Never. It's the same way with how he knows how to act nice around others, but when he's at home it's a whole different story. And he's so lazy! There are obviously things that need to be done around the house-things that don't necessarily cost money. But he does nothing! Even when we have the money, he spends it on stupid things. That's why he was so against having the graduation party at our house-he's embarrassed at the condition of the house, as he should be! He doesn't shovel, he doesn't mow, he doesn't take out the garbage, what does he do? He doesn't provide. He puts us more into debt. He makes everything more difficult. He made that fancy back on your headstone and now we can't pay for it. He gets a lease against my wishes in my name and now we can't pay what we owe on it. He eats out when there is a fridge-full of homemade dinner food at home, but he will look past that and either have cereal or peanut butter because he's too lazy to put a plate together for himself.
He's sporadic about church attendance, even before Hayden's accident. We used to go to Sunday School, morning service, evening service and we were always there Wednesday nights. Now he is down to almost making it for morning service and even that is not always a given. He eats whatever he wants, healthy or not (always not), plays basketball as much as possible, not for exercise but for fun with his friends (of which he has very few friends), takes off and doesn't care to tell anyone where he is going or answer his phone when we are asking where he is.
And what about when he flew off the handle about me "interrupting" his voice text? To stupid Steve (not that Steve is stupid, but it wasn't to a client or anything). I truly have not ever pondered voice texting and didn't think that my voice would be picked up on his message. I just wanted to tell him that if he was talking to the kids that they weren't home anyway. And then he freaks out and makes me answer why I did that, why I have to be so controlling and I wouldn't answer, so he stopped the car on the side of the highway and threatened to stay there until I answered. It was an honest mistake-usually if he's leaving an important message with someone, he will ask for silence or something and I was just trying to tell him something. That was totally uncalled for and undeserved.
He keeps saying if I want to leave then to go ahead. He can't afford the house on his own. I can't either but at least I have resources to help me. I really don't know what to do. If I am quiet, I get in trouble, if I say stuff, I get in trouble. Lord, help me! I don't know what to do! I don't want to live off of his mom's credit card for the next two weeks-please provide another way! Thank you Lord! Love you boy!
Truly helpful
I was thinking about Ele's Place and I thought the way they could be truly helpful is to help you find a way to bring your person back!
Trying to be happy
Another great one from A.W. Tozer:
Trying to be happy without a sense of God's presence is like trying to have a bright day without the sun.
Trying to be happy without a sense of God's presence is like trying to have a bright day without the sun.
Not sure about this
I've heard this here and there and I'm not sure about it. A parent was commenting on someone else's loss of a son and said: "I like to think that God was saving them from something."
Meeting Ruby
As I said in a previous post, I was petrified of this meeting. It's because I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know how emotional it would be, if it would gross me out, I had no idea. I kept asking myself why were we doing this, what's the point, etc. It could have been setting myself up for a meltdown or something. When I asked Evan's mom about it, she said she felt like running away except there were cameras waiting to film the meeting. I could totally relate to her. I didn't want to cancel or change my mind though because it was all set up, even though there were several roadblocks that day with the hot water heater guy, etc.
On the drive up, I was fried after the events of the day and I kept thinking of what I wrote on my post from that day: I want out of this nightmare. I felt like I was totally on my own with my feelings, that no one could relate and I even felt that God was far away. I think because I was trying to deal with everything on my own instead of giving it over to Him.
When we got to the restaurant, they were waiting in the parking lot. We knew which vehicle was theirs because I texted her on the way since we were running late and she told me they were parked in a handicapped spot in a red truck. When we pulled up, they got out of the car. We went up to them and said hi and gave hugs. We walked into the restaurant and got a booth.
I don't remember what we started talking about right off the bat. I brought her a gift bag with Hayden bracelets, a few of your pictures and your obituary bookmark. They both put the bracelets right on. For some reason I was thinking Ruby would do most of the talking, but her husband JR was very talkative as well. I can't remember the exact order of the conversation, so I will just write down what I remembered.
They talked about how handsome you were. JR said it was almost scary how good-looking you were. One thing that stood out in the conversation is that JR said the doctors said that your liver was pristine. He said that's not a word you hear very often. That made me proud for some reason. We told them how healthy you were, how you worked out every day, watched what you ate, drank lots of water, etc.
They also told us because of Ruby's rare blood type (AB I think), she was at the bottom of the transplant list at the Cleveland Clinic because she could only accept certain blood types. I forgot what yours was (I have to look it up-just saw a white butterfly, thanks!) but it was compatible with hers. Hope told me later that you had a special type because after you gave blood once at the Red Cross, they kept bugging you about it. I think you have a Red Cross card in your wallet-I will check there. I thought it would be on your death certificate but it wasn't.
(Update-your blood type was AB positive. I texted Ruby this information and she said she is AB negative. Hope looked up blood types last night and AB is a blood type that people of any other blood type can accept but other AB's can only accept AB. That was the case with you I guess. You could have given to anyone, but you would only be able to accept AB from someone else. Apparently the positive/negative part doesn't matter. Interesting.)
I asked Ruby when she had her surgery and she said on August 23rd which was the day of your surgery. She said her surgery was at midnight and it lasted 8 hours. JR said he noticed a difference in her right away after the surgery because she was sitting up and she wasn't retaining water anymore. When I asked her what was wrong with her liver, she said she had cirrhosis, but the non-alcoholic kind. She was in a lot of pain and retained water and did not have a very good quality of life prior to the surgery. I think at one point she said there was a rejection scare but that was brought under control a few months after the surgery. They both said how strong your liver was because it's withstood all of the anti-rejection drugs. That's my boy!
We talked a lot about you and your acts of charity, etc. JR shook his head and said "Why do the good die young?" He and Ruby seem to have an amazing relationship. Good for them. (Dad threw this in my face on the way home after he yelled at me for a very stupid reason, but I will leave it at that).
They seem to have done very well for themselves. They had their own business selling RV parts, they have some rentals, etc. They kept talking about their house and JR said he was embarrassed at how big it was, but they planned ahead and made it wheelchair-accessible and have room for their kids to live there if needed. I forgot how many kids they had, but they have grandkids who are in between Hope and Carter's age. They invited us to come to their house sometime and swim. (Dad asked an awkward question if we could bring our moms along for that visit. I think it's rude to invite people to someone else's house. He's always about his mom. Hope said she overheard a phone conversation where it sounds like Grandma Elsie wanted to go to the meeting with them and Dad told her no and she was really mad. She is a piece of work. His obsession to include his mom in this almost ruined the whole experience for me. I asked him about in the car and he said he thought they would get along because they're similar in age. Is he trying to find friends for her or something? She just has to be in on everything. It's annoying. Sorry for that rant).
I think that's everything. Overall it went really well. Even though it was seemingly a very "unexciting" organ compared to the heart or lungs, it is still a part of you that is living on in someone else. Oh yeah-one more thing. At one point during dinner, Ruby said she had a question for us. She started tearing up and then we all did while we were waiting for her to ask the question. She said since the one-year anniversary of her surgery was coming up, and then she couldn't say it. I tried to help and asked if she wanted us to go somewhere with her (I was thinking she was going to ask us to go to church with her or something). Once she got it out, she asked if she could share Hayden's information on Facebook. Of course that was fine. It's funny, she ended up posting something the next day on the 11-month anniversary instead. I shared it but was surprised that I got no reactions all weekend. It was actually upsetting because I couldn't believe people wouldn't care about it. Yesterday though I posted my own picture with an explanation and got over 100 likes and some wonderful comments. I guess nobody could tell what it was from re-sharing Ruby's post. That made me feel a lot better.
Thank you for that experience and being willing to be an organ donor. Now I am not afraid about meeting anyone else in the future if the opportunity arises. And now our family has new friends in the Watts'. Love you so much!
On the drive up, I was fried after the events of the day and I kept thinking of what I wrote on my post from that day: I want out of this nightmare. I felt like I was totally on my own with my feelings, that no one could relate and I even felt that God was far away. I think because I was trying to deal with everything on my own instead of giving it over to Him.
When we got to the restaurant, they were waiting in the parking lot. We knew which vehicle was theirs because I texted her on the way since we were running late and she told me they were parked in a handicapped spot in a red truck. When we pulled up, they got out of the car. We went up to them and said hi and gave hugs. We walked into the restaurant and got a booth.
I don't remember what we started talking about right off the bat. I brought her a gift bag with Hayden bracelets, a few of your pictures and your obituary bookmark. They both put the bracelets right on. For some reason I was thinking Ruby would do most of the talking, but her husband JR was very talkative as well. I can't remember the exact order of the conversation, so I will just write down what I remembered.
They talked about how handsome you were. JR said it was almost scary how good-looking you were. One thing that stood out in the conversation is that JR said the doctors said that your liver was pristine. He said that's not a word you hear very often. That made me proud for some reason. We told them how healthy you were, how you worked out every day, watched what you ate, drank lots of water, etc.
They also told us because of Ruby's rare blood type (AB I think), she was at the bottom of the transplant list at the Cleveland Clinic because she could only accept certain blood types. I forgot what yours was (I have to look it up-just saw a white butterfly, thanks!) but it was compatible with hers. Hope told me later that you had a special type because after you gave blood once at the Red Cross, they kept bugging you about it. I think you have a Red Cross card in your wallet-I will check there. I thought it would be on your death certificate but it wasn't.
(Update-your blood type was AB positive. I texted Ruby this information and she said she is AB negative. Hope looked up blood types last night and AB is a blood type that people of any other blood type can accept but other AB's can only accept AB. That was the case with you I guess. You could have given to anyone, but you would only be able to accept AB from someone else. Apparently the positive/negative part doesn't matter. Interesting.)
I asked Ruby when she had her surgery and she said on August 23rd which was the day of your surgery. She said her surgery was at midnight and it lasted 8 hours. JR said he noticed a difference in her right away after the surgery because she was sitting up and she wasn't retaining water anymore. When I asked her what was wrong with her liver, she said she had cirrhosis, but the non-alcoholic kind. She was in a lot of pain and retained water and did not have a very good quality of life prior to the surgery. I think at one point she said there was a rejection scare but that was brought under control a few months after the surgery. They both said how strong your liver was because it's withstood all of the anti-rejection drugs. That's my boy!
We talked a lot about you and your acts of charity, etc. JR shook his head and said "Why do the good die young?" He and Ruby seem to have an amazing relationship. Good for them. (Dad threw this in my face on the way home after he yelled at me for a very stupid reason, but I will leave it at that).
They seem to have done very well for themselves. They had their own business selling RV parts, they have some rentals, etc. They kept talking about their house and JR said he was embarrassed at how big it was, but they planned ahead and made it wheelchair-accessible and have room for their kids to live there if needed. I forgot how many kids they had, but they have grandkids who are in between Hope and Carter's age. They invited us to come to their house sometime and swim. (Dad asked an awkward question if we could bring our moms along for that visit. I think it's rude to invite people to someone else's house. He's always about his mom. Hope said she overheard a phone conversation where it sounds like Grandma Elsie wanted to go to the meeting with them and Dad told her no and she was really mad. She is a piece of work. His obsession to include his mom in this almost ruined the whole experience for me. I asked him about in the car and he said he thought they would get along because they're similar in age. Is he trying to find friends for her or something? She just has to be in on everything. It's annoying. Sorry for that rant).
I think that's everything. Overall it went really well. Even though it was seemingly a very "unexciting" organ compared to the heart or lungs, it is still a part of you that is living on in someone else. Oh yeah-one more thing. At one point during dinner, Ruby said she had a question for us. She started tearing up and then we all did while we were waiting for her to ask the question. She said since the one-year anniversary of her surgery was coming up, and then she couldn't say it. I tried to help and asked if she wanted us to go somewhere with her (I was thinking she was going to ask us to go to church with her or something). Once she got it out, she asked if she could share Hayden's information on Facebook. Of course that was fine. It's funny, she ended up posting something the next day on the 11-month anniversary instead. I shared it but was surprised that I got no reactions all weekend. It was actually upsetting because I couldn't believe people wouldn't care about it. Yesterday though I posted my own picture with an explanation and got over 100 likes and some wonderful comments. I guess nobody could tell what it was from re-sharing Ruby's post. That made me feel a lot better.
Thank you for that experience and being willing to be an organ donor. Now I am not afraid about meeting anyone else in the future if the opportunity arises. And now our family has new friends in the Watts'. Love you so much!
Monday, July 25, 2016
I want out of this nightmare
I'm sorry I wrote this. Friday was such a horrible day. Dad was home all day waiting for the hot water heater guy to come, I was freaking out about money in general because the van needed repairs and I was stressing all day about meeting your liver recipient. I just didn't know what to expect and I felt like I wasn't prepared.
I also didn't want to even deal with such a situation which is just one more thing I have to deal with because you died. I actually felt like I had reached my limit of what I could deal with on Friday. I wondered where that limit was. And for some reason God felt far away. That was the worst part.
I also didn't want to even deal with such a situation which is just one more thing I have to deal with because you died. I actually felt like I had reached my limit of what I could deal with on Friday. I wondered where that limit was. And for some reason God felt far away. That was the worst part.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Petrified
That's the word that comes to mind when I think about meeting your liver recipient tonight. She seems like a very nice lady but it's hard to know how emotional it could be. That something that was in your body is now in her body and helping her live/feel better. A part of you that formed in my womb, that I helped take care of as you were growing, including feeding you with my own milk (sorry-that sounds a little gross!), that was with you every day of your life, was with you through your accident and in the hospital. That your blood flowed through and affected-the same blood that went through your brain and was affected by the same chemicals, etc. I am so NOT medical! (A term I learned last weekend from Lisa Anderson). To be continued...
Although it seems like it would be more interesting or impactful to meet the person who received your heart and to hear your heartbeat again, or the person who received your lungs-the same lungs you took every breath through, this is what we have available to us at this time. The liver is not something you can feel or tell that she has, but I know it's very important. It's kind of on the same lines as a kidney where it's not too exciting but still vital. As far as I know, man has not been able to recreate a liver or a suitable replacement.
And I know that we didn't hand pick her to receive it or anything. We basically affirmed a decision that you had already made. If she wouldn't have received it from you, she probably would have gotten one from someone else. I'm saying this because I'm sure "thank you" will be said or expressed but for what? I'd rather you didn't die so she could get your liver. (Of course, you know that!) Thank you in general for signing up to be an organ donor? I guess. Thank you for going through two extra days with Hayden on life support so you could have the opportunity to get his organ?
I think one thing that I was thinking about last night is that I have never really thought about this aspect of it before. Like really tried to comprehend the idea of organ donation. Like physically. I don't know how I "missed" that with all of the things I've pondered over for the past 11 months. I just fear that it will all come crashing at me at once.
Will I feel a physical connection with her? Will it feel like you? Like a "vibe"? Be back...
I'm back-I guess that's all I have to say about this. I don't want to be in this position.
Although it seems like it would be more interesting or impactful to meet the person who received your heart and to hear your heartbeat again, or the person who received your lungs-the same lungs you took every breath through, this is what we have available to us at this time. The liver is not something you can feel or tell that she has, but I know it's very important. It's kind of on the same lines as a kidney where it's not too exciting but still vital. As far as I know, man has not been able to recreate a liver or a suitable replacement.
And I know that we didn't hand pick her to receive it or anything. We basically affirmed a decision that you had already made. If she wouldn't have received it from you, she probably would have gotten one from someone else. I'm saying this because I'm sure "thank you" will be said or expressed but for what? I'd rather you didn't die so she could get your liver. (Of course, you know that!) Thank you in general for signing up to be an organ donor? I guess. Thank you for going through two extra days with Hayden on life support so you could have the opportunity to get his organ?
I think one thing that I was thinking about last night is that I have never really thought about this aspect of it before. Like really tried to comprehend the idea of organ donation. Like physically. I don't know how I "missed" that with all of the things I've pondered over for the past 11 months. I just fear that it will all come crashing at me at once.
Will I feel a physical connection with her? Will it feel like you? Like a "vibe"? Be back...
I'm back-I guess that's all I have to say about this. I don't want to be in this position.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Sovereign Grace
This was shared on someone's page from a family whose dad is battling brain cancer (Praying for the Papillons). I don't know the title of the song but here are the words:
Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love you in times of plenty
Then leave you in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow then doubt?
Chorus:
Oh let your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified
Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I'm filled?
Are You King only when I'm carefree
And God only when I'm well?
You are good when I'm poor and needy
You are true when I'm parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You're still God in the darkest night
Bridge:
So quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart in You
Found the title: "As Long As You Are Glorified"
Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love you in times of plenty
Then leave you in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow then doubt?
Chorus:
Oh let your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified
Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I'm filled?
Are You King only when I'm carefree
And God only when I'm well?
You are good when I'm poor and needy
You are true when I'm parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You're still God in the darkest night
Bridge:
So quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart in You
Found the title: "As Long As You Are Glorified"
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Own Worst Enemy
There was something someone posted about God telling us to love our enemies and that it includes loving ourselves, implying that we are our own worst enemies sometimes. I was trying to find it, but came across all of these other quotes on the way. I never found that enemy one. It is true though-I don't know why we are often our own worst enemies.
I think these were all on Aunt Jackie's page because I thought that was where the enemy one was.
When you believe beyond what your eyes can see
Signs from above show up to remind you that love never dies.
Explanation: Little sad girl with her head down holding a small teddy bear in front of Jesus kneeling down with a big teddy bear with a red bow behind his back:
I have bigger plans for you. Do you trust me?
As long as you know that God is for you, it doesn't matter who is against you. -Romans 8:31
Before you ever get a problem, God has already got your deliverance planned. -Joyce Meyer
I think these were all on Aunt Jackie's page because I thought that was where the enemy one was.
When you believe beyond what your eyes can see
Signs from above show up to remind you that love never dies.
Explanation: Little sad girl with her head down holding a small teddy bear in front of Jesus kneeling down with a big teddy bear with a red bow behind his back:
I have bigger plans for you. Do you trust me?
As long as you know that God is for you, it doesn't matter who is against you. -Romans 8:31
Before you ever get a problem, God has already got your deliverance planned. -Joyce Meyer
Reality
Jeannette Brenner posted this over the weekend:
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will never 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to. -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will never 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to. -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Remembering Hayden
I thought it was weird at the time and it hit me after your death about how people are like "Remembering Hayden." I found it weird because you were just alive the day or two before, so why should we have to be told to "remember" you?
That happened with Prince too-the dad after he died, "Remembering Prince." Seems silly-shouldn't be too hard to remember someone who was just alive the day before. Nothing sounds right anyway-"Thinking of Hayden"-of course, that's all that's on everyone's mind at the time. I don't know what would be a better way of saying it. I will have to think about it. Maybe "Losing Hayden", although I still wish there was a better term than "losing." "Hayden's Homegoing?" (Apparently I am over my love of italics-oh, well). Love you!
That happened with Prince too-the dad after he died, "Remembering Prince." Seems silly-shouldn't be too hard to remember someone who was just alive the day before. Nothing sounds right anyway-"Thinking of Hayden"-of course, that's all that's on everyone's mind at the time. I don't know what would be a better way of saying it. I will have to think about it. Maybe "Losing Hayden", although I still wish there was a better term than "losing." "Hayden's Homegoing?" (Apparently I am over my love of italics-oh, well). Love you!
Meeting Ruby Watts
We are meeting the lady who received your liver this Friday! I am freaking out! It will be nice to meet her but I am sure it will be beyond emotional. I messaged Lydia Kimball to ask for advice. I don't know what to expect! Love you!
Hand of God
The kids found this song and Carter used to play it on the way to school. I kept asking him if it was a Christian artist and he said no. It's amazing. There are a ton of lyrics that repeat, but it's a very powerful song. On the lyrics website, it says this about the song:
This ultimate ending to the album sees Jon trusting in God's plan for his life, that He is guiding him, no matter what obstacles are ahead. (It also said that the choir that joins in at the end of the song is the same one from Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror)
Hand of God (Outro)
-Jon Bellion
My head spins and I've been sipping
I've been sipping, I've been sipping lately
All my sins, I've been tripping, I've been tripping, my God
Brand new life, I've been looking
I've been looking, I've been looking lately
All these nights, they've been cooking
They've been cooking me raw
I am just a man, I am just a man
Who lusts, gives, tries
Sometimes I lose my way
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Break it down
Your whole life's in the hand of
Your whole life's in the hand of God
My ex girl, I've been seeing, I've been seeing
I've been seeing lately
She's got hope that we're getting back together, my God
I just know that I'm (bad word) and I'm lonely, just admit it's crazy
She just holds on to something that she knows is long gone
(Bad word)
I am just a man, I am just a man
Who lusts, gives, tries
Sometimes I lose my way
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Break it down
Your whole life's in the hand of
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Nothing has changed, he is the same
"Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Bum-de-dum, bum bum badum, bum be-dum, bum bum badum
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Bum be-dum, bum bum badum, bum be-dum, bum bum badum
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Just like the 80's films
We'll hook up in my back seat and let my best friend drive
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Overwhelming
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Overwhelming
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Bring me down in Brooklyn if I lose my life
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Push me down the Hudson and turn on the radio
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Long Island's only smiling cause my soul is fine
Bum be-dum, bum bum badum, bum be-dum, bum bum badum
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Bum be-dum, bum bum badum
I did everything for New York
This ultimate ending to the album sees Jon trusting in God's plan for his life, that He is guiding him, no matter what obstacles are ahead. (It also said that the choir that joins in at the end of the song is the same one from Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror)
Hand of God (Outro)
-Jon Bellion
My head spins and I've been sipping
I've been sipping, I've been sipping lately
All my sins, I've been tripping, I've been tripping, my God
Brand new life, I've been looking
I've been looking, I've been looking lately
All these nights, they've been cooking
They've been cooking me raw
I am just a man, I am just a man
Who lusts, gives, tries
Sometimes I lose my way
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Break it down
Your whole life's in the hand of
Your whole life's in the hand of God
My ex girl, I've been seeing, I've been seeing
I've been seeing lately
She's got hope that we're getting back together, my God
I just know that I'm (bad word) and I'm lonely, just admit it's crazy
She just holds on to something that she knows is long gone
(Bad word)
I am just a man, I am just a man
Who lusts, gives, tries
Sometimes I lose my way
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Break it down
Your whole life's in the hand of
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Nothing has changed, he is the same
"Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Bum-de-dum, bum bum badum, bum be-dum, bum bum badum
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Bum be-dum, bum bum badum, bum be-dum, bum bum badum
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Tears at a funeral, tears at a funeral, I might break
Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change
When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe
Don't lose faith
My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"
Just like the 80's films
We'll hook up in my back seat and let my best friend drive
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Overwhelming
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Overwhelming
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Your whole life's in the hand of God
Bring me down in Brooklyn if I lose my life
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Push me down the Hudson and turn on the radio
Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Long Island's only smiling cause my soul is fine
Bum be-dum, bum bum badum, bum be-dum, bum bum badum
Nothing has changed, he is the same
Bum be-dum, bum bum badum
I did everything for New York
Friday, July 15, 2016
My Own Words
Dad was interviewed on the Lucy Ann Lance show this week. It was the spot that is held every week for the Saline Chamber of Commerce and they had an opening so they asked Dad to talk about you and Mortgages With A Heart.
Lucy Ann Lance knew all about your story and said some wonderful things about you. In one of the questions that Dad answered he said I shared some wisdom with him at the time of your service when he was feeling frustrated. He didn't quite say it right, but the thought (my own thought at the time) was a great comfort to me. Here it is:
The timing of your death was amazing because at the point in your life, you had the most influence on people younger than you, your age, and people older than you-probably the most influence that you will ever have in your whole life. Even one more year would have made a difference-the friends you just graduated with would probably have been more scattered, the friendships not as strong, etc.
On the other spectrum, you had aunt, uncles and grandparents there who, under normal circumstances, would never be at your funeral as they should have preceded you in death. Your outreach was immense, and I don't even feel as if I am describing it well at all. I know what I mean though and hopefully you do too. Love you!
Lucy Ann Lance knew all about your story and said some wonderful things about you. In one of the questions that Dad answered he said I shared some wisdom with him at the time of your service when he was feeling frustrated. He didn't quite say it right, but the thought (my own thought at the time) was a great comfort to me. Here it is:
The timing of your death was amazing because at the point in your life, you had the most influence on people younger than you, your age, and people older than you-probably the most influence that you will ever have in your whole life. Even one more year would have made a difference-the friends you just graduated with would probably have been more scattered, the friendships not as strong, etc.
On the other spectrum, you had aunt, uncles and grandparents there who, under normal circumstances, would never be at your funeral as they should have preceded you in death. Your outreach was immense, and I don't even feel as if I am describing it well at all. I know what I mean though and hopefully you do too. Love you!
July Hayden dream
I don't remember the details of it, but you were in my dream last night and you were a little bit younger, like maybe 9th or 10th grade. You were walking along somewhere, like going somewhere and I was going to tell you to be careful but then I remembered that it didn't matter because you were already dead. Even though that sounds depressing, I feel fulfilled at the moment thinking about it. Love you!
Friday quotes
Aaahh-boring title. Oh well. Here they are:
The deeper into the heart of God I go, the more the enemy will oppose me, but the more God will draw me. The enemy may be strong, but his strength is limited, whereas God's grace has no limit.
-A.W. Tozer
His whisper is stronger than the storm.
Only God knows why.
A single thread of hope is still a very powerful thing.
The deeper into the heart of God I go, the more the enemy will oppose me, but the more God will draw me. The enemy may be strong, but his strength is limited, whereas God's grace has no limit.
-A.W. Tozer
His whisper is stronger than the storm.
Only God knows why.
A single thread of hope is still a very powerful thing.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
The Curve in the Road
I always forget this for some reason, so I wanted to write it down. Hope went with me to take Carter to Skyline and that always includes the "fun" trip down Wagner Rd. Of course, we were talking about your accident and we both think there is more to the story than what the police report shows.
First of all, it is very easy to see over the hill from the truck's point of view, going into Saline, so it's hard to understand how he didn't see you in his lane. Secondly, his lane curves a little to the right to follow the curve of the road, so if he was just a little too close to the center or didn't notice the change and you were a little too close to the center, it's clear how the collision occurred.
I still don't know why he couldn't have gotten out of the way. I don't know why everyone is giving him so much credit, just because he's older, etc. You travelled that road so much and knew it so well. I heard that he rarely took that road.
This thinking leaves me torn thinking that the accident could have been avoided vs. that was your time for the Lord to take you home. If he did something wrong though, I think that should be acknowledged. Love you boy!
First of all, it is very easy to see over the hill from the truck's point of view, going into Saline, so it's hard to understand how he didn't see you in his lane. Secondly, his lane curves a little to the right to follow the curve of the road, so if he was just a little too close to the center or didn't notice the change and you were a little too close to the center, it's clear how the collision occurred.
I still don't know why he couldn't have gotten out of the way. I don't know why everyone is giving him so much credit, just because he's older, etc. You travelled that road so much and knew it so well. I heard that he rarely took that road.
This thinking leaves me torn thinking that the accident could have been avoided vs. that was your time for the Lord to take you home. If he did something wrong though, I think that should be acknowledged. Love you boy!
I'd Rather Have You Back
This thought occurred to me today while I was looking at some of Ruby Watt's Facebook posts, the lady who got your liver. I know this is horrible to say but it's how I feel about a lot of things.
I realize how much the organ recipients have benefitted from your donation but (sorry to them) I would rather have you back.
I appreciate how Hope and Carter have about 10 "surrogate" brothers from the water polo team now, but I'd rather have you back.
I appreciate how close we are now with all of the Aulisa family now, but I'd rather have you back.
I realize how much the organ recipients have benefitted from your donation but (sorry to them) I would rather have you back.
I appreciate how Hope and Carter have about 10 "surrogate" brothers from the water polo team now, but I'd rather have you back.
I appreciate how close we are now with all of the Aulisa family now, but I'd rather have you back.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
A Year Is Too Long
As the one-year anniversary of your death approaches next month, this is the only thought that keeps running through my mind:
A year is too long.
A year is too long.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Who Met You at the Gate?
This is a topic I wanted to remember for later
So far my thoughts are Grandma and Grandpa Hartman, Dean Ledford, Ben Hieber, Laura Jacks
This was a draft from a while back that I just "published" and it popped in as a recent post. I just wanted to report that. Love you!
So far my thoughts are Grandma and Grandpa Hartman, Dean Ledford, Ben Hieber, Laura Jacks
This was a draft from a while back that I just "published" and it popped in as a recent post. I just wanted to report that. Love you!
Psalms
I have been thinking (and reading) that I should read the Psalms more, so I did last night. Here are some verses I jotted down:
Psalm 39:5-8
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You.
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.
Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Psalm 39:11
Surely every man is vapor
Psalm 48:14
For this is God,
Our God
forever and ever;
He will be our guide
Even to death.
(For some reason when I read this, I think of you saying it as a child, so maybe it was a memory verse for you or something. Like I can hear you saying, "Even unto deaf" instead of death)
Psalm 49:15
But God will redeem my soul
from the power of the grave,
For He shall receive me.
Psalm 39:5-8
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You.
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.
Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Psalm 39:11
Surely every man is vapor
Psalm 48:14
For this is God,
Our God
forever and ever;
He will be our guide
Even to death.
(For some reason when I read this, I think of you saying it as a child, so maybe it was a memory verse for you or something. Like I can hear you saying, "Even unto deaf" instead of death)
Psalm 49:15
But God will redeem my soul
from the power of the grave,
For He shall receive me.
Glorious Contradictions
This is by A.W. Tozer. I think he wrote something similar recently which I recorded but this is good too:
God has revealed so many glorious contradictions in the lives and conduct of genuine Christian believers that it is a small wonder that we are such an amazement to this world. The Christian is dead and yet he lives forever. He died to himself and yet he lives forever. He died to himself and yet he lives in Christ. The Christian saves his own life by losing it and he is in danger of losing it by trying to save it. It is strange but true that the Christian is strongest when he is weakest and weakest when he is strongest. When he gets down on his knees thinking he is weak, he is always strong. The Christian is in least danger when he is fearful and trusting God and in the most danger when he feels the most self-confident. He is most sinless when he feels the most sinful and he is the most sinful when he feels the most sinless. The Christian actually has the most when is giving away the most; and in all these ways, the Christian is simply putting into daily practice the teachings and example of Jesus Christ, his Savior and Lord!
(The title of his sermon was "Glorious Contradictions")
God has revealed so many glorious contradictions in the lives and conduct of genuine Christian believers that it is a small wonder that we are such an amazement to this world. The Christian is dead and yet he lives forever. He died to himself and yet he lives forever. He died to himself and yet he lives in Christ. The Christian saves his own life by losing it and he is in danger of losing it by trying to save it. It is strange but true that the Christian is strongest when he is weakest and weakest when he is strongest. When he gets down on his knees thinking he is weak, he is always strong. The Christian is in least danger when he is fearful and trusting God and in the most danger when he feels the most self-confident. He is most sinless when he feels the most sinful and he is the most sinful when he feels the most sinless. The Christian actually has the most when is giving away the most; and in all these ways, the Christian is simply putting into daily practice the teachings and example of Jesus Christ, his Savior and Lord!
(The title of his sermon was "Glorious Contradictions")
Surprising changes
Over the weekend, I watched a movie with Hope. (You know I hardly watch movies). We watched The Help, which I don't know if you have seen (you probably have). Anyway, I was amazed that almost throughout the whole movie, I didn't think of you non-stop (double-negative). Except for the part where the main lady (Abelaide?) was talking about the death of her son, of course.
My point is that was the longest stretch of time that my mind wasn't focused on your death. It was a nice break, in a way, from all of the sorrow and sadness but it was extremely weird, surprising and sad too. It's been happening more lately since too. Not that I am forgetting you (that could never happen) but that there is more room in my mind for other thoughts lately.
(Also, I didn't write anything yesterday on the blog. It was busy at work, but I had nothing to say. I am making up for it today, but that hasn't happened in a while either. Love you boy!)
For some reason, I ended up with two of these posts. Not sure how that happened. I deleted the second one.
It just happened again.
My point is that was the longest stretch of time that my mind wasn't focused on your death. It was a nice break, in a way, from all of the sorrow and sadness but it was extremely weird, surprising and sad too. It's been happening more lately since too. Not that I am forgetting you (that could never happen) but that there is more room in my mind for other thoughts lately.
(Also, I didn't write anything yesterday on the blog. It was busy at work, but I had nothing to say. I am making up for it today, but that hasn't happened in a while either. Love you boy!)
For some reason, I ended up with two of these posts. Not sure how that happened. I deleted the second one.
It just happened again.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Mourning doves and white butterflies
These are things that remind me of you. I have seen the white butterfly flying around the yard since fall and it came back after winter and I see it all the time now. As for the mourning doves, I hear one all the time at home and there was even one out at E's lake house and there is one that keeps flying into the yard at the office and it looks like it is building a nest or something. Also, last week at Grandma Joonie's there was one just sitting in the tree above us the whole time we were eating dinner. If that's you, thank you! Love you!
Thursday, July 7, 2016
My Love Will Find You
This was on Facebook last night:
The loss of a child does irreparable damage to the heart. You will always be my Darling, My Blood...Remember, Where You Are, My Love Will Find You.
The loss of a child does irreparable damage to the heart. You will always be my Darling, My Blood...Remember, Where You Are, My Love Will Find You.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Be Patient With Me
Lydia Kimball had this on her Facebook over the weekend. It's from someone named Gary Roe titled, Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving. I don't know if this is the whole thing or if it's from a book.
I'm hurting. Something traumatic has occurred. Someone I love is gone, and they're not coming back. I don't know how to do this. It's like I've been hit by a bus, and I'm lying flat in the middle of the road, watching the sky go by.
The world speeds on, oblivious to my loss. I watch but I can't seem to enter. It's as if someone pushed the pause button on my life. My world has suddenly changed, forever.
I'm stunned. I'm hurt. My heart is crushed. Grief can be so heavy.
And yet, I can't fully accept it somehow. This can't be real. I know this is confusing for you. It's confusing for me also. You're probably wondering what to say or what to do. You can sit beside me in the road, if you want. You don't have to say much. In fact, you don't have to say anything at all. Your presence is worth all the words in the world right now.
I probably won't say much either. Don't expect much out of me. I won't be myself for a while. In fact, I may never be the same again. This is something we'll both have to grapple with, but now isn't the time for that.
Sometimes all I can do is lie here and breathe. I won't be here forever, but it's where I am at today.
This is hard. It hurts. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just stumble forward and hope my seemingly random thoughts and emotions will make some kind of sense to you.
Thanks for reading this. I know this is strange. It's weird for me, too. Please be patient with me. I'm grieving.
I'm hurting. Something traumatic has occurred. Someone I love is gone, and they're not coming back. I don't know how to do this. It's like I've been hit by a bus, and I'm lying flat in the middle of the road, watching the sky go by.
The world speeds on, oblivious to my loss. I watch but I can't seem to enter. It's as if someone pushed the pause button on my life. My world has suddenly changed, forever.
I'm stunned. I'm hurt. My heart is crushed. Grief can be so heavy.
And yet, I can't fully accept it somehow. This can't be real. I know this is confusing for you. It's confusing for me also. You're probably wondering what to say or what to do. You can sit beside me in the road, if you want. You don't have to say much. In fact, you don't have to say anything at all. Your presence is worth all the words in the world right now.
I probably won't say much either. Don't expect much out of me. I won't be myself for a while. In fact, I may never be the same again. This is something we'll both have to grapple with, but now isn't the time for that.
Sometimes all I can do is lie here and breathe. I won't be here forever, but it's where I am at today.
This is hard. It hurts. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just stumble forward and hope my seemingly random thoughts and emotions will make some kind of sense to you.
Thanks for reading this. I know this is strange. It's weird for me, too. Please be patient with me. I'm grieving.
Instinct
I don't go on this page much anymore, but here is a quote from I Am A Mother To An Angel:
A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child's memory.
A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child's memory.
4 Direct Donations
Update from Evan Kimball-I've written about him before. I was reading an article about him from Gift of Life and the number of direct donations of his organs (that means that they knew the people who were getting them somehow) of 4 was a record (he actually direct donated 5). This is a special number to the Kimballs because his baseball # was 4.
(I remember at the time of Evan's accident, I was in trouble with Dad about the fact that they knew all or most of their recipients because we hadn't been told yet. I had to dig around for information to find out that what happened in their case was very unusual and that usually people don't know their donors or hear who they are right away. It makes me mad that I got in trouble for that, like I should had my letter out faster according to Dad. He's such a jerk.)
(I remember at the time of Evan's accident, I was in trouble with Dad about the fact that they knew all or most of their recipients because we hadn't been told yet. I had to dig around for information to find out that what happened in their case was very unusual and that usually people don't know their donors or hear who they are right away. It makes me mad that I got in trouble for that, like I should had my letter out faster according to Dad. He's such a jerk.)
Lydia's Dream from August
Her post from Facebook: I know I'm posting a lot about Hayden, but I just had to share something I wrote about the dream that I had 8/20/15, the night before Hayden died.
I was being taken on a tour of Heaven by one of the angels, whose name I can't remember. We were mostly finished with our tour when we approached a just-finished house. It looked like the others: white outer-paint, two front windows, and a large door but I could tell that the house was for someone special. As we stood in front of the house, I asked my angel guide, "Whose house is this?" I nearly fainted in shock as the angel, smiling from ear to ear, answered, "Hayden Smith." Before I could ask why he said Hayden, I unfortunately woke up.
I was being taken on a tour of Heaven by one of the angels, whose name I can't remember. We were mostly finished with our tour when we approached a just-finished house. It looked like the others: white outer-paint, two front windows, and a large door but I could tell that the house was for someone special. As we stood in front of the house, I asked my angel guide, "Whose house is this?" I nearly fainted in shock as the angel, smiling from ear to ear, answered, "Hayden Smith." Before I could ask why he said Hayden, I unfortunately woke up.
From Lydia
Lydia Brattin posted this on her Facebook page today:
I was straightening out my room earlier this week when I found my composition notebook from 1st semester Creative Writing class this past year. In it was an imagistic poem I wrote on September 11th, 2015, about seeing Hayden in the hospital on August 21st. Hope you enjoy this poem.
When we reached the hospital
A crowd was gathered in the lobby.
We asked for an update on you, but they said that
Arrangements were being made.
At first, I didn't get it, but tears
Cascaded down my once-cheery face
While my heart slowly started to sag.
A few minutes later, my family walked down the twists and turns of the corridor
To your room.
When we turned the corner into your room,
Where you laid lifeless on the bed.
After my parents had taken their last look,
I stayed in the room a little longer.
With my hand on the rail of the bed,
I wished you could hear me, but you couldn't.
I wished you could see me, but you couldn't.
I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't do that
Without getting into trouble.
After words fell from my mouth
And tears streamed from my eyes
I left the room and we left the hospital.
I was straightening out my room earlier this week when I found my composition notebook from 1st semester Creative Writing class this past year. In it was an imagistic poem I wrote on September 11th, 2015, about seeing Hayden in the hospital on August 21st. Hope you enjoy this poem.
When we reached the hospital
A crowd was gathered in the lobby.
We asked for an update on you, but they said that
Arrangements were being made.
At first, I didn't get it, but tears
Cascaded down my once-cheery face
While my heart slowly started to sag.
A few minutes later, my family walked down the twists and turns of the corridor
To your room.
When we turned the corner into your room,
Where you laid lifeless on the bed.
After my parents had taken their last look,
I stayed in the room a little longer.
With my hand on the rail of the bed,
I wished you could hear me, but you couldn't.
I wished you could see me, but you couldn't.
I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn't do that
Without getting into trouble.
After words fell from my mouth
And tears streamed from my eyes
I left the room and we left the hospital.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
FOJ-Focus on Alcohol
I thought I would write about the whole FOJ experience in one post, but the hot dog-eating contest seemed to deserve its own space. I'm not sure if I will have to break it up at all into categories as I go. We'll see.
Jake was dressed extra crazy this year. He had the FOJ trunks on with suspenders, a bow tie, and knee socks. The bow tie with his bare chest made him look like a Chippendale's dancer, I told him. People kept snapping his suspenders which he said didn't hurt on his bare chest. Robby C. was decked out too, but not as much as Jake. Robby C. just had the same trunks as Jake and a bandana. Other friends who were there: Alex Calder, Ian McEwan, Lucas Allen, Michael Bundas, assorted girls that you probably knew-I think Kayla but not Annie or Sarah.
It was a beautiful day-perfect weather. There were probably about 30 kids there and 10-15 parents. I think the first thing I noticed and continued to notice throughout the day was the massive amount of alcohol that was being consumed. All different kinds and constant. Jake was going at it, big time. It made me a little sad at first, wondering how much drinking you might have done over the years there. I got the nerve up to ask Nance later if you guys kept an eye on each other if someone was getting out of hand and she said yes, but Lucas was in really bad shape later in the day and ended up passing out. Michael Bundas was also drinking a ton. There was so much available-there wasn't even any pop, just beer, hard lemonade, wicked ale, Nancy had strawberry daiquiris made, Jake had a flask he kept passing around, Jell-O shots, the list goes on and on.
I have been thinking about it since yesterday, but I don't understand what the mentality is in providing that, in that quantity, to minors. I know they think they are being "good" by having everybody spend the night and not letting anyone drive, but aside from breaking the law by providing minors with alcohol, they could be creating alcoholics. There is also the risk of alcohol poisoning when so many different kinds of alcohol are combined in such a young person. Something else that scared me later on was Jake, Robby C. and Michael were swimming in the dark from boat to boat when we were in the middle of the lake for the fireworks. What if they passed out when they were in the lake and drowned? There were just so many risks that were being taken.
It made me think of how I tried to keep you safe when you were little and our family stayed away from alcohol all those years and how you were exposed to all of it anyway and allowed to partake of it without my consent. You could have (and anyone else) could just drive off in the middle of the night-they aren't taking everyone's keys. There are so many bad things that can happen from this situation. They're basically fortunate that nothing serious has happened all these years. It still could though.
It bothers me that people can take such risks on a regular basis and nothing happens to their kids and my kid just gets in a car to go somewhere one morning and gets killed. I was so diligent on keeping an eye on you everywhere you went and trying to keep you safe (and Hope and Carter). Some parents just let their kids do whatever and nothing ever happens to them. The obvious question is, how is this fair but I know that's not how life works.
Anyway, this is what stood out to me most of the day. I was impressed with Ian McEwan who wasn't drinking but that didn't make him very popular with the others. Alex Calder wasn't as drunk as Robby C. and Jake but I know he had a few. I also couldn't get over all of the scantily clad chicks running around there. I was tired of seeing girl's butt cheeks and their little skimpy bikini bottoms. There seem to be no rules there, which is probably the appeal. Hope and Carter had a blast with the kids, but I think it's because it reminded them of hanging out with you. I don't know what we will do next year about going.
A few other happenings of the day-I got a chance to talk to Lucas Allen's mom, Janet, which I enjoyed, but she didn't seem too concerned about Lucas' state of drunkenness. We let a paper lantern off the end of the dock in your memory but no one could really hear us say anything or paid attention to it. I said, "We love you and miss you." She said maybe it would go better next year. One thing that surprised me about the lantern is that I thought it would drift out and up slowly after it was lit, but it went straight up and then started drifting. It was a nice thing to do-I'm glad Nance found them.
There were points of the party where nothing was going on and I felt like cleaning up to help Nance out. She and John kept getting mad at me for helping, but I put all of the remaining snacks and desserts together and helped clean up the dinner food, took out some trash, etc. I don't know why I like cleaning up after parties-I just do. There were tons of cans everywhere. Jake told me to stop too. I think Nance appreciated the help though.
I don't really have a final thought on this. It was kind of what I expected but on a grander scale. Carter reminded me that we didn't want to go last year, it wasn't just to give you some space. I know later last year that Dad and Hope ripped on me for not going. I think Dad sees it now. I know the Aulisas appreciated us coming, so that would be a reason to go next year, but maybe not for the whole day. We will see. Love you boy!
Jake was dressed extra crazy this year. He had the FOJ trunks on with suspenders, a bow tie, and knee socks. The bow tie with his bare chest made him look like a Chippendale's dancer, I told him. People kept snapping his suspenders which he said didn't hurt on his bare chest. Robby C. was decked out too, but not as much as Jake. Robby C. just had the same trunks as Jake and a bandana. Other friends who were there: Alex Calder, Ian McEwan, Lucas Allen, Michael Bundas, assorted girls that you probably knew-I think Kayla but not Annie or Sarah.
It was a beautiful day-perfect weather. There were probably about 30 kids there and 10-15 parents. I think the first thing I noticed and continued to notice throughout the day was the massive amount of alcohol that was being consumed. All different kinds and constant. Jake was going at it, big time. It made me a little sad at first, wondering how much drinking you might have done over the years there. I got the nerve up to ask Nance later if you guys kept an eye on each other if someone was getting out of hand and she said yes, but Lucas was in really bad shape later in the day and ended up passing out. Michael Bundas was also drinking a ton. There was so much available-there wasn't even any pop, just beer, hard lemonade, wicked ale, Nancy had strawberry daiquiris made, Jake had a flask he kept passing around, Jell-O shots, the list goes on and on.
I have been thinking about it since yesterday, but I don't understand what the mentality is in providing that, in that quantity, to minors. I know they think they are being "good" by having everybody spend the night and not letting anyone drive, but aside from breaking the law by providing minors with alcohol, they could be creating alcoholics. There is also the risk of alcohol poisoning when so many different kinds of alcohol are combined in such a young person. Something else that scared me later on was Jake, Robby C. and Michael were swimming in the dark from boat to boat when we were in the middle of the lake for the fireworks. What if they passed out when they were in the lake and drowned? There were just so many risks that were being taken.
It made me think of how I tried to keep you safe when you were little and our family stayed away from alcohol all those years and how you were exposed to all of it anyway and allowed to partake of it without my consent. You could have (and anyone else) could just drive off in the middle of the night-they aren't taking everyone's keys. There are so many bad things that can happen from this situation. They're basically fortunate that nothing serious has happened all these years. It still could though.
It bothers me that people can take such risks on a regular basis and nothing happens to their kids and my kid just gets in a car to go somewhere one morning and gets killed. I was so diligent on keeping an eye on you everywhere you went and trying to keep you safe (and Hope and Carter). Some parents just let their kids do whatever and nothing ever happens to them. The obvious question is, how is this fair but I know that's not how life works.
Anyway, this is what stood out to me most of the day. I was impressed with Ian McEwan who wasn't drinking but that didn't make him very popular with the others. Alex Calder wasn't as drunk as Robby C. and Jake but I know he had a few. I also couldn't get over all of the scantily clad chicks running around there. I was tired of seeing girl's butt cheeks and their little skimpy bikini bottoms. There seem to be no rules there, which is probably the appeal. Hope and Carter had a blast with the kids, but I think it's because it reminded them of hanging out with you. I don't know what we will do next year about going.
A few other happenings of the day-I got a chance to talk to Lucas Allen's mom, Janet, which I enjoyed, but she didn't seem too concerned about Lucas' state of drunkenness. We let a paper lantern off the end of the dock in your memory but no one could really hear us say anything or paid attention to it. I said, "We love you and miss you." She said maybe it would go better next year. One thing that surprised me about the lantern is that I thought it would drift out and up slowly after it was lit, but it went straight up and then started drifting. It was a nice thing to do-I'm glad Nance found them.
There were points of the party where nothing was going on and I felt like cleaning up to help Nance out. She and John kept getting mad at me for helping, but I put all of the remaining snacks and desserts together and helped clean up the dinner food, took out some trash, etc. I don't know why I like cleaning up after parties-I just do. There were tons of cans everywhere. Jake told me to stop too. I think Nance appreciated the help though.
I don't really have a final thought on this. It was kind of what I expected but on a grander scale. Carter reminded me that we didn't want to go last year, it wasn't just to give you some space. I know later last year that Dad and Hope ripped on me for not going. I think Dad sees it now. I know the Aulisas appreciated us coming, so that would be a reason to go next year, but maybe not for the whole day. We will see. Love you boy!
FOJ-Hot Dog Eating Contest
The hot dog-eating contest started at 2 pm, so we got there about 1:45. John had a plaque made up since the contest is now in your honor. It had a picture of you (the one of you standing outside in front of the barn with your pink shorts and white shirt). At the top of the plaque, it said something like, "Hayden M. Smith Memorial Good Dog something" (darn it-I already forgot the title. I will look it up). Ok-the name of the contest was the "Hayden M. Smith Memorial Good Dog Trophy" so the plaque probably added the name "Winners" on it. The plaque has spots on it to record each year's winner and is hanging up on that little wall by the stairs right as you go up. I think you were messing with it because I kept trying to adjust it because it was just a little off whenever I passed by it.
The contest was pretty intense! It started out with John dressed as Uncle Sam on a ladder announcing the rules, etc. There was a moment of silence for you (which was only about 5 seconds) and then Robby C. played the National Anthem on a little bugle. It was really good (and fancy-he added embellishments). That turned out to be funny because Kramer walked right up to where Robby C. was playing and tilted his head and then started howling along. Of course, Newman joined in. It was hilarious! I had the thought that I could see you orchestrating something like that just to be funny. I don't know how that works though.
I don't know the person who won, but it was different than the person who won last year. The prize was a trophy and a Hayden Strong Forever t-shirt. I think the winner ate 8 and 1/2 hot dogs in 5 minutes and there was a 5-minute time limit after the contest ended to watch for any "reversal of fortune" which is what John called it. I thought it was nice of them to have you be a part of that even though you didn't win last year. Sweet boy!
The contest was pretty intense! It started out with John dressed as Uncle Sam on a ladder announcing the rules, etc. There was a moment of silence for you (which was only about 5 seconds) and then Robby C. played the National Anthem on a little bugle. It was really good (and fancy-he added embellishments). That turned out to be funny because Kramer walked right up to where Robby C. was playing and tilted his head and then started howling along. Of course, Newman joined in. It was hilarious! I had the thought that I could see you orchestrating something like that just to be funny. I don't know how that works though.
I don't know the person who won, but it was different than the person who won last year. The prize was a trophy and a Hayden Strong Forever t-shirt. I think the winner ate 8 and 1/2 hot dogs in 5 minutes and there was a 5-minute time limit after the contest ended to watch for any "reversal of fortune" which is what John called it. I thought it was nice of them to have you be a part of that even though you didn't win last year. Sweet boy!
Another article
I was looking through Facebook posts this weekend and I noticed an M-Live article that I never noticed before. It included a video of the LifeFlight helicopter taking off from the scene of your crash.
It was from the day of the crash and there was additional information that I felt compelled to record:
"Washtenaw County Sheriff's deputies were on scene investigating the crash and Armstrong said it was unclear which driver crossed the middle of the road and caused the crash."
"Armstrong said there were no other cars in the area at the time of the crash, and the police were unable to initially locate any witnesses."
A stupid Crop Production Services truck just pulled up in front of the office a minute ago and parked. Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to tell me something about the accident. How is everyone so sure it was your fault? We don't know anything about John Meadows and his driving habits, personality, etc. Why is everyone so quick to blame you? Just because you died and you can't answer? Maybe the lawyer will find some answers. Love you!
The song "Collide" is on right now, about 10 minutes after above report about the CPS truck.
It was from the day of the crash and there was additional information that I felt compelled to record:
"Washtenaw County Sheriff's deputies were on scene investigating the crash and Armstrong said it was unclear which driver crossed the middle of the road and caused the crash."
"Armstrong said there were no other cars in the area at the time of the crash, and the police were unable to initially locate any witnesses."
A stupid Crop Production Services truck just pulled up in front of the office a minute ago and parked. Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to tell me something about the accident. How is everyone so sure it was your fault? We don't know anything about John Meadows and his driving habits, personality, etc. Why is everyone so quick to blame you? Just because you died and you can't answer? Maybe the lawyer will find some answers. Love you!
The song "Collide" is on right now, about 10 minutes after above report about the CPS truck.
What Do We Know?
This was on the daily Max Lucado calendar this weekend.
We point to our...sick child, crutches or famine-and say, "This makes no sense!" Yet out of all his creation, how much have we seen? And of all His work, how much do we understand? Only a sliver. A doorway peephole. Is it possible that some explanation for suffering exists of which we know nothing at all?
We point to our...sick child, crutches or famine-and say, "This makes no sense!" Yet out of all his creation, how much have we seen? And of all His work, how much do we understand? Only a sliver. A doorway peephole. Is it possible that some explanation for suffering exists of which we know nothing at all?
Friday, July 1, 2016
Wise Words
Here are some quotes I had scribbled down that I wanted to get entered:
God is not who you think He is
He is who He says He is
-Unknown
You will never know the fullness of Christ until you know the emptiness of everything but Christ.
-C.H. Spurgeon
God is good.
What God was, God is.
What God is, and was, God will be.
(Might be A.W. Tozer-going to check)
God is not who you think He is
He is who He says He is
-Unknown
You will never know the fullness of Christ until you know the emptiness of everything but Christ.
-C.H. Spurgeon
God is good.
What God was, God is.
What God is, and was, God will be.
(Might be A.W. Tozer-going to check)
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