I'm glad I'm feeling better in general about things, but that bothers me too. How can I feel better about losing you and not having you around? How could I ever get over that or learn to live with it?
It's like two things are at war or disagreement inside of me. (Even though I usually address this blog to you, this makes more sense in third person). I see the worldly perspective-my son died in a horrible car accident at the age of 17. He was amazing and wonderful and I will never see him again on this earth. He was ripped from me, violently and suddenly. He did nothing wrong but maybe made a small mistake or misjudgment at the wrong time. He left the house one day and never came back. He got the worst type of injury possible, one no one has ever recovered from. I didn't get to say goodbye or ask what happened or anything. Gone, taken, just like that. Absolutely awful. A parent's worst nightmare come true. That is what happened to me. His life was just getting started and then it ended. My wonderful, happy boy. Gone. Here one day, gone the next. Literally.
Other perspective: Hayden is in heaven now where we are all headed who are believers in Jesus Christ. He has no more worries, pain, sin, or troubles. He is fine. He is perfect. He still feels close to me. God used his death to mend relationships on earth and to add to His kingdom. God has used this to draw me closer to Him and to fully trust Him in all things. This is the worst thing that could ever happen and it happened. And God is seeing me through it. Praise God!
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