Dad's leaving (again)

Last night after a huge rant, Dad announced to me and Hope that he is planning on moving out as soon as we have enough money (which will be never probably). Part of me is relieved because it's been horrible at home and I wasn't sure if he would ever voluntarily leave the home with so many memories of you. I know I can never leave the house for good, not now. Not to mention leaving Hope and Carter. I don't know how he can do that. Especially after what happened to you the last time he left. Not that the two incidents are related. Although when Hope threw that in his face, he said that maybe if he hadn't have come back that the timing would have been off for your accident and that maybe you would still be here. I told him that's not how it works. That just shows how off his thinking is. I'm sure he's tried to figure out a way to blame me for your death.

I am concerned, of course, about the money aspect of it. We can barely pay for one household, let alone add extra expenses for a second one. I also don't want to have to step down from any of my ministries (sounds funny saying "my" but anyway) at church. I feel like I'm getting into a groove with the Sunday School class and finally figuring out the timing of Junior Church without having a full half hour open for games and whatnot. We don't have to tell anyone but I'm sure the truth will come out at some point. I don't want to hurt anyone at church either by harboring that secret, if they (especially Pastor) would be held responsible for our actions. I'm thinking of verses about when one part of the body does something it affects the whole body, etc. I'm not sure how that works.

Hope was yelling at both of us last night for not being able to get along, but I honestly don't know what else to do on my end. There is nothing left in me. I have begged Dad to stay so many times and things don't change. They just get worse and worse. He expects me to do all the changing, and I just can't anymore. I couldn't then and I can't now. I can't fake loving him and thinking that what he says to do are good for the family. They are not. All or most of his plans are very selfish and wasteful.

It will be interesting to see if he makes as much money as he thinks he's going to. He never does. He doesn't need to be taking away from the kids, like if we didn't have enough money for Hope to go to JO's this summer yet he was putting down a security deposit on an apartment instead, etc. There's also college to thing about which we are not prepared for. Dad says it will be worth it, whatever that means.

I will keep you posted. I know that Nance has told me that you said that you would have been fine if we separated/divorced. That you would understand. Sweet boy!