Permission to Feel

#OCA story by Aly Voigt-these are excerpts

The days, weeks, and into the months following her...death were broken. Tears and anger. There were screams and unstoppable sobs. There was emptiness, confusion, sadness, and hurt. Oh did it ever hurt.

We drifted in those months,... All energy was consumed in just being that there was no more to give. I turned to grief books, a support group, and a counselor. I needed something, anything, to say that I was going to be ok. That somehow, someday life would be okay.

I tried desperately to hide the waves, to mask the feelings, to bury the reality with rehearsed phrases, avoidance, and appearing to have it all together. And yet the waves continued to crash. Crash and crash and crash until my arms and legs had treaded with all their might to no avail. Surrender. I had to surrender. To give myself permission to feel the emotional waves, whatever they may be. To feel them by giving them a voice, literally claiming them aloud. And then, to allow space and permission to experience the rawness of the emotion. To allow sadness to dwell, anger to exist, rage to be accepted, guilt to be present. To grant permission for jealousy, loneliness, fear, emptiness, or pain. (This lady's husband also cheated on her).

And then, after giving them a voice and permission to be experienced, to make the conscious choice to step back from the emotion of the moment and see what lies ahead. Beauty existed. It existed when I forced myself to see. Small and big, right in front of me or far into the distance. It existed in the reality that forever I will be (his) momma. It existed in the legacy of her life. And it exists in the ways in which her memory moves, touches, and propels peace and joy and beauty. It existed in the person I have become; stronger, braver, and yes, even more alive. It existed in the form of a Savior that finds me to be worthy and enough when I didn't feel the same for myself. And it existed in the promise of hope in verses that I recited over and over.

(Be Still My Soul is on Pandora right now. Thank you for that Lord-that message is helping me in relation to my being annoyed by the articles Susan posted about high drivers)

It wasn't overnight. Certainly not immediate. There were no quick fixes, magic tricks, step-by-step guides, or manuals with a  check list. But with time, the waves began to cease and I began to surface as I gave myself grace and space to truly feel and then made the intentional choice to step back and believe in the hope of the future.