Anxious and Avoidant

 From Dean Blankfield

Why the Anxious and Avoidant Are Drawn to Each Other

When the anxious and avoidant attachers meet, the connection is undeniable. There's intensity, chemistry, and a pull that both can feel right away. It feels safe and exciting at the same time. But underneath that pull, their bodies are recognizing something familiar, a pattern they both know too well.

The anxious attacher grew up with love that was unpredictable. Sometimes there was care and warmth, other times there was distance or silence. They learned to hold on tight when love appeared because it never felt secure. Their nervous system stays alert for the smallest sign of withdrawal or change.

The avoidant attacher grew up in homes where there was continuous emotional neglect. They learned that needing anything or showing emotion led to rejection, shame, or disappointment. They became hyper independent and kept people at a distance to feel safe. Relying on others came to feel dangerous, so they learned to meet their own needs alone. Their nervous system stays alert for the smallest sign of pressure or intrusion.

When they meet, these two nervous systems instantly recognize each other. The anxious feels soothed by the avoidant's composure. The avoidant feels drawn to the anxious person's warmth and emotional energy. Each senses something they've been missing, and the connection deepens quickly.

Pia Mellody described three powerful reasons why this pull runs so deep.

1.  They see missing pieces in each other

The anxious attacher brings emotion, connection, and openness. The avoidant attacher brings calm, steadiness, and control. Each is magnetized to what they struggle to access within themselves. The anxious wants the grounded energy they see in the avoidant. The avoidant wants the emotional aliveness they see in the anxious. Together they create a temporary sense of balance that feels complete until the old wiring begins to take over. 

2.  They replay their original pain

As the bond grows, their early protection systems begin to react. The anxious starts reaching for closeness when they sense distance. The avoidant starts withdrawing when they sense emotional intensity. Each move is an unconscious attempt to stay safe. One person's need for closeness sets off the other's need for space and one person's need for space sets off the other's need for closeness. The anxious begins to feel unwanted and panics. The avoidant begins to feel trapped and shuts down. They end up re-enacting the same emotional cycle that shaped their early relationships, both trying to get needs met in ways that keep pushing love away.

3.  They hope this connection will finally heal them

Thus begins a deep, unconscious hope. The anxious hopes that if they can finally get love to stay, they'll feel secure at last. The avoidant hopes that if they can stay close without losing themselves, they'll feel safe at last. Each is drawn to the other with the belief that this time it will be different. The anxious sees safety in the avoidant's stability. The avoidant sees warmth in the anxious person's emotion. Both are pulled by the same wish, to repair what went missing in childhood through love in adulthood.

When this pattern isn't healed, the same story repeats. The anxious keeps finding partners who turn distant. The avoidant keeps finding partners who need more than they can give. The relationship begins with excitement and ends in exhaustion. Both feel misunderstood but still crave what was lost.

Healing begins when they start seeing the pattern for what it is, two nervous systems protecting against fear. When the anxious learns to sit with fear instead of chasing reassurance. When the avoidant learns to stay through discomfort instead of withdrawing. When both start calming their own bodies before reacting to each other.

Healing looks like slower love. It looks like clear communication and small consistent repair. It looks like taking space without leaving and reaching out without panic. It looks like learning to feel safe in connection, not just comforted by distance.

As both nervous systems begin to settle, the chaos fades. The highs and lows lose their grip. Connection starts to feel stable, warm, and real. And for the first time, both get to experience what they've been searching for all along, love that feels safe to stay in.

And if you've made it this far, congratulations.