Shattered-Part Five

Part Five   The Relational Impact

Chapter 31   Unsupportive Family:  "Family Hardly Talks to Us Now"

We've been changed forever by our child and their death. Our relationships will change too, one way or the other.

"Take your time and grieve your way. Don't apologize for your loss or your grief. Above all, talk about your child and encourage others to do the same."

Chapter 32   Supportive Family:  "Family Has Made All the Difference"
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it." -Joan Didion

Chapter 33  Friends:  "Where Did Everyone Go?"
"If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it."  -Lemony Snicket

Loss alters friendships. Some may evaporate, but others will thrive and deepen. Our hearts are shattered, but we can still feel supported, cared for, and loved. We are not alone.

Chapter 34   Work:  "Work is Weird"
"You do what you're supposed to do, but in fact you're not there at all."  -Frederick Barthelme

Chapter 35   People of Faith:  "Some Are Helpful, Some Aren't"

My son is dead. Platitudes are useless, and hurtful.

When people make statements without first attempting to hear our pain, we feel violated, unheard, and invisible. Our shattered hearts wriggle and scream with the hurt and the anger.

Compassion...is born when we close our mouths and open our hearts.

Guidelines for healthy grieving:  Get around people who are helpful to you, and limit your exposure to those who aren't.

(Unfortunately, Pastor has fallen into this "aren't" category the more I think about it. Sad.)

Chapter 36   Marriage:  "We're Drifting Apart"
"The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it also permanently alters a couple's marriage...As a couple you must deal with how each of you has changed."  -Cindy Wright

Handling these marital landmines ourselves while immersed in grief is virtually impossible.

Chapter 37   Our Other Kids:   "How Do We Help Them and Ourselves Too?"

Someone is missing, and everyone in your family feels it acutely.

Kids grieve differently. They grieve over a long period of time, and in spurts.

Chapter 28   Toxic People:  "People Can Be Insensitive and Mean"
"I have heard many things like these. You are miserable comforters, all of you."  -The Book of Job

Isn't (he) better off now? You should be happy. (Pastor said something like this like, "You should be happy-Hayden is in heaven now")

People who utter unkind toxic statements are revealing something about themselves.

Our hearts have been shattered. The last thing we need is someone tromping into our lives and smashing the remaining pieces. We need support, compassion and hope. (Becky's invasions)

We can't control the words or actions of toxic people, but we can limit the access they get to our hearts.

What people say and do is more about them than it is about me.

"Don't worry or care about what others think of your grief. They haven't been there."

Chapter 39   Safe People:  "I Can Be Myself With Him (Her)"

They don't try to fix (Becky). They don't judge or belittle. They don't give advice we haven't asked for. They don't have an agenda for how we should progress. (Pastor)

Safe people recognize each other.

Chapter 40   New Support:   "We've Found Some Kindred Spirits"
"Those who have suffered understand suffering and therefore extend their hand."  -Patti Smith
(Makes me think of Kimballs)

There are others with similar holes in their hearts, slogging along, stumbling forward.

Chapter 41   Counseling:   "I Didn't Think It Would Help"
(looking forward to it)

Chapter 42   A Recovery Team:   "Thanks to Them, I'll Make It"
"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
-Helen Keller