With (Him)

This is from #OCA. It's by Sarah Bamford. Excerpts.

(Her infant daughter died)

A year and a half later I am still picking up the pieces. I'm learning how to navigate this new world without (him). Some days, it's like putting together a mosaic without being able to see the bigger picture. The assembly of the broken pieces seems odd and ugly. Other days, I can step back just enough to begin to appreciate the beauty of what I am creating. It's amazing how I lived just fine in a world without (him) for 27 years, but now that (he) existed, I'm struggling to figure out how to live without (him) for the rest of my life. I miss (him) with every breath I take...

But at the same time, I am learning that we are still connected. I am discovering that I can still do things "with" (him), just not in the traditional sense. (He) is with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. With (him), I comfort other grieving mothers...With (him), I teach my (kids) about life and death, Heaven and Earth. With (him), I raise awareness. With (him), I renew my faith. With (him), I hope. With (him), I turn tragedy into purpose. With (him), I write the inner thoughts of my soul. With (him), I give the bereaved mother a voice. With (him), my broken heart speaks love.

(He) has given me the powerful gift of empathy, and it is my duty as (his) mother to share (his) legacy. I have witnessed (his) story bring people together. I have seen it strengthen relationships. I have met so many amazing, wonderful people because of (him). Some are on this same awful journey, and some are on the outside offering never ending support. Strangers have become my dear friends through our kinship of brokenness.

I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for my (Hayden). (He) is with me always, guiding me, helping me to understand, and making me better. (He) reminds me that life is precious and a gift. Because of (him), I savor the moments I am blessed to have with (his) siblings. (He's) a part of me, woven into my being. This isn't the mother/(son) relationship I envisioned, but it's ours and it's one of the most beautiful ones that has ever existed.