It Only Took a Spark

From #OCA series. This one is by Ayla Carey. Paraphrased.

And in my heart of hearts, something in me felt I would not get to keep (him).

I was right.

That morning, I found my baby (boy) lifeless, already in the arms of our Lord. My bright, light, perfect world soon turned dull, dark, and destroyed.

(The ride to the hospital) only solidified what I already knew: that this was the worst of the worst and every parent's nightmare...I wished God had taken me too. I was physically ill and emotionally shattered, and I couldn't imagine how I would live from that moment forward.

Each day after (he) went to (his) forever home was a struggle here where (he) left us. It was hard to get up, hard to go to sleep, even literally hard to breathe. Though the grief for us is still raw and fresh, we learned from the beginning that the darkness that came would not be a place we would want to stay.

(He) wouldn't want us to stay there either.

I remember having a meltdown...I sat in my car, and screamed, and cried. I yelled at God telling him, "I can't do this! You are going to have to help me. You need to show up and do something. If you want me to fly, you are going to have to give me feathers (I think wings sounds better-anyway)."  wandered in (the store), with no mission in mind. And as I turned the corner, sobbing, I saw one of my dearest friends and biggest supporters, standing with open arms and a shoulder to cry on. There God was, showing up for me. Blessings like this continued on a day to day basis, and I've never felt more loved. I began to not only "welcome" these little blessings from above, but to look for them. If I opened my mind, and my broken heart, I would find little pieces along the journey that were helping put the jigsaw back together again. Like little "feathers" (so that's why she used that term) helping me learn to fly again.

My God sent his hope, and his mercies, and his feathers to get us through each day. And though our baby went from our hands to His, and pieces of our broken hearts are there in Heaven, there is still a big part of (him) here. Though not completely mended, our hearts are healing. Our lives look different, our hearts look different. We see people for more of what their stories may tell. Helping the hurting actually helps us heal. (This is so true!) We hold our children longer and each other tighter. In all things, we want to make this life count. Though hurting, we are hopeful. Though broken, we are blessed. Though grieving, we are grateful.

(They named their daughter Ember and explain why). "A light burning in the ashes." I loved that I would get to teach her to love God, love others, and to be a light in dark places.

Ember-"a glowing or burning light in an otherwise dying fire." Since my Ember is not here, it is left for me to keep the fire burning. Though (he) died, I must live, and (his) light will shine through me. It's left up to me to be a light in dark places. We adopted a verse that is now our life's mission/

That is why I remind you to rekindle the embers of, fan the flame of, and keep burning the gracious gift of God, the inner fire that is in you.  (2 Timothy 1:6)

For us, it only took a "spark"...

Beauty from ashes. (He) is my beauty from ashes. I now must live this life to be a light in a darkened world. I vow to keep the love and the light burning, so that a flame can be fanned into a once again burning fire. The fire cannot die, and neither can I. Whether it is their physical or spiritual forms, I make a point each day to look for feathers. They remind me of a Father who is piecing back together my puzzle. They remind me that He sends me feathers, which joined together make wings-wings that will help me fly again. If I'm flying, I'm not dying. and I won't just live, I will come alive.