Because of different circumstances that I can explain later, we found out from Pastor that an "extended family member" talked to him about a special recognition service for the anniversary of your death which falls on a Sunday this year. This was news to us so I asked him about it but he wasn't giving up too much information. I was guessing it was Becky because she is usually behind things like this, but he wouldn't tell me who it was.
I was kind of ok with the thought of it and told Pastor as much, but I just found out last night that Becky has invited many people to church that day to "support" us which really bothers me. Some people say her heart is in the right place, but she tramples over people in the meantime which bothers everyone. Apparently she has invited most of Dad's family, my family, the Aulisas, the Judges, pallbearers, etc. Hope found out from Amanda about this when they went to Cedar Point the other day and we got Grandma Joonie to spill the beans about it last night. When I asked Nance about it last night, she showed me the text that Becky sent out and she sent it out July 1st!
I felt pressured at the onset to decide how we wanted to handle the one-year anniversary because of a situation just like this. Becky is not part of our normal, everyday lives. We haven't seen her for months even though she lives just around the corner. She does these things in the name of helping others but when she hurts people and makes uncomfortable situations in other people's lives, that is not helping!
I hate to say this, but she does things like this just to get attention for herself and for everyone to say, "Oh what a thoughtful person you are." She's not giving any consideration to what our feelings are about that day, what we want, who we want to invite, etc. She wants to be in charge and she thinks she knows what she is doing, but she doesn't know all of our family and friends, etc. I don't want anyone significant to be left out, and all this time the people who are closest to me have been afraid to bring this up because of her telling them to keep it a secret.
Thank God we found out about it! What if we were having a rough weekend and barely made it to church that day and then we see all of these people showing up? That would be overwhelming. People don't get it! And fine if they don't, but why don't you ask or at least listen when someone in our position tells you otherwise! I brought it up to Pastor and even he said to be thankful someone cares for us that much to do this, etc. That is not my point! She needs to respect people's privacy and other people's lives, etc.
She has made me cry so much since your death. It started out when we all met at Panera a few weeks after everything happened. Everyone was discussing your upcoming birthday because Dad had just got off the phone with Pastor about it and she was trying to plan something and asking what your favorite cake was, etc. I couldn't even think about that at the moment and she was off planning a party for you with chocolate cake. I felt railroaded and was thinking, "He doesn't like chocolate cake!" and then I had to run to my car in tears because I couldn't handle it anymore. Becky came to the car and apologized but I felt bad about making her feel bad. But you think she would have learned from that. Everyone has their own preferences. Not everyone wants a lot of people around, etc. And, of course, Dad at the time didn't defend me.
I also remember the Sunday night at church for the special service for you the weekend after your accident, there were only a few bulletins left from the morning service with your picture on them and she had a few and I had to ask her if I could have one. She almost didn't let me. I do not get her. If she loved you and us so much, where has she been in the past few months? She could've come to stuff for Hope and Carter if she was such a concerned aunt, but she wasn't there. She can't be that busy anymore with all of her kids out of the house, one of them being out of state. (When I re-read these paragraphs I remember that she was bugging me at your service because the processional was ready to leave for the cemetery but we couldn't find Carter. I told her that they weren't going to leave without us so to buzz off while I find my child who is joining us. Then she told everyone, "Oh, Andrea's upset now." Of course I am upset! We are getting ready to bury my son! What do you think I will be feeling? Geez!)
And then I think I told you at Applebee's for dinner that one night when Grandma Elsie had all of those bookmarks made from the funeral home that I didn't know about and was handing them out to everyone and she said that I could just have the leftovers for us and my family. Are you kidding me? I just remember sitting next to Becky and she was holding her little stack of them. Thanks a lot for letting me have something with my kid's picture on it. And Dad told me that I hadn't been interested in ordering any but that was because it was right after everything happened and we had ordered everything. I didn't know I was in competition with someone else to get them. Apparently I misunderstood what she meant, but even Gretchen noticed that Grandma Elsie said it in a weird way at first. I ran to the car crying too and when I came back Dad said they were all baffled at what was wrong. My kid died! Give me a break! Show me a little sensitivity or benefit of the doubt or something! Who kicks you when you are down at that level of losing your child? That is so wrong! Even if you didn't mean to make me upset, you obviously did so why not apologize? That did not happen. That just proves that something is wrong with them if they're still blaming me for being upset at things during this time in my life. Even Dad took their side which shouldn't be a surprise.
And even Pastor Matt doesn't know what to say. It's fine if you don't know, but listen to me when I speak up! It could be helpful information in future dealings with grieving parents who don't put up with as much as we do! From our own family! When I was on the phone with him last week about mine and Dad's marriage problems, he said I shouldn't use you as an excuse not to meet with him anymore. I said you're not an excuse and that it's hard enough dealing with losing you and the marriage problems together. He said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, that you're in heaven, etc. I know that but I still miss you! He has a hard time dealing with people's emotions. I know that emotions can't be trusted but God gave them to us and they are there and we have to deal with them.
I also asked him about the Becky thing and he said not to worry about the one-year anniversary because it's just another day, etc. When I was pondering this last night (and bugging Dad and Hope apparently), I remembered that the 20th is the day that I consider the day you left us, not the 21st. I always thought that was weird, but I'm thankful for it because I can have that day to do with what I choose and mentally prepare for the 21st. I shared that with Nance and she was amazed because she feels the same way. You died on the 20th, they just had to wait to call it until the 21st. That was a formality. You died on Thursday afternoon when we were in the room with you. Thanks for waiting for us, sweet boy so we could sing you into heaven with all of those songs you sang as a child!
One good thing that's come out of this so far is that Ruby Watts and her husband JR are coming to the service that day. I invited them before I knew who all had been invited. My concern now is just making sure nobody is left out. Pastor said not to let that bother me if someone misses out, but I would feel bad if somebody significant was left out. I just have this fear that it's going to be a three-ring circus which is how things turn out when Becky is in charge. Plus with all the emotions that could accompany that day. Ugh-why does she create these situations? Why do people make it worse?
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