Petrified

That's the word that comes to mind when I think about meeting your liver recipient tonight. She seems like a very nice lady but it's hard to know how emotional it could be. That something that was in your body is now in her body and helping her live/feel better. A part of you that formed in my womb, that I helped take care of as you were growing, including feeding you with my own milk (sorry-that sounds a little gross!), that was with you every day of your life, was with you through your accident and in the hospital. That your blood flowed through and affected-the same blood that went through your brain and was affected by the same chemicals, etc. I am so NOT medical! (A term I learned last weekend from Lisa Anderson). To be continued...

Although it seems like it would be more interesting or impactful to meet the person who received your heart and to hear your heartbeat again, or the person who received your lungs-the same lungs you took every breath through, this is what we have available to us at this time. The liver is not something you can feel or tell that she has, but I know it's very important. It's kind of on the same lines as a kidney where it's not too exciting but still vital. As far as I know, man has not been able to recreate a liver or a suitable replacement.

And I know that we didn't hand pick her to receive it or anything. We basically affirmed a decision that you had already made. If she wouldn't have received it from you, she probably would have gotten one from someone else. I'm saying this because I'm sure "thank you" will be said or expressed but for what? I'd rather you didn't die so she could get your liver. (Of course, you know that!) Thank you in general for signing up to be an organ donor? I guess. Thank you for going through two extra days with Hayden on life support so you could have the opportunity to get his organ?

I think one thing that I was thinking about last night is that I have never really thought about this aspect of it before. Like really tried to comprehend the idea of organ donation. Like physically. I don't know how I "missed" that with all of the things I've pondered over for the past 11 months. I just fear that it will all come crashing at me at once.

Will I feel a physical connection with her? Will it feel like you? Like a "vibe"? Be back...

I'm back-I guess that's all I have to say about this. I don't want to be in this position.