Here are a bunch of funny quotes I found I had written down:
When my boss said, "You've been late for the fifth time!", I thought to myself, "Yay, it's Friday."
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But she shuts up when I eat cake.
A mother's menu consists of two choices - take it or leave it.
True laziness is getting excited when plans get canceled.
If someone says, "no offense," he/she is about to say something offensive.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side, a light side, and keeps the universe together.
Life is hard. It's even harder when you're stupid. -John Wayne
Adults are just kids with money.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good when you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.
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