Misattunement

Totally new word and concept for me~

from Flying Free

Huh? What's misattunement? Here's an example: I went to a very crowded garden show the other day and while looking at zinnias, I witnessed a mom with her 4-year-old daughter. Daughter says, "Mom, I'm hungry." Mom quickly grabs the little girl's arm and angrily says, "You're not hungry. Let's go. You're always telling me you're hungry." She then pulled the little girl behind her off into the crowd. My heart broke for this child whose mother dismissively misattuned with her daughter's very basic, physiological need for food.

So what happens inside little ones who frequently experience this sort of misattunement? They stop expressing their needs, learn to unconsciously reject their needs, and then shut down and disconnect from their needs. Dr. Laurence Heller, author of Healing Developmental Trauma says that children who experience this sort of deprivation give up their demand for caring and love. They decide unconsciously that there's no hope that their needs will be met. Giving up becomes a common way they respond to stress.

As such a child matures, she becomes used to living with these unmet physical and emotional needs. She develops survival strategies, like being really helpful to others and needing very little for herself. She has an unconscious belief that her deepest needs don't matter and that she doesn't matter. She may feel erased and empty, like she doesn't exist. When she risks expressing a need, she gives up easily if someone doesn't respond.