Gambling

From Flying Free

Many irresponsible people, especially abusers, will say, "I've tried SO HARD," or "I've done everything I can possibly do" or whatever. Great emotional emphasis, pleading for sympathy and support for their 'efforts'.

But they're gambling.

You know what they are gambling? They are gambling that their manipulative emotional appeals will be accepted, not challenged. They are gambling that if they keep the conversation emotional, they can avoid the practical. If they can keep the conversation generic, they can avoid specifics.

Emotional generalities are powerful tools in the hands and mouth of a manipulator. Most people accept emotional generalities. It is easy for manipulators to distract most counselors from asking the important, confrontational questions. And it is usually easy to distract everyone so they don't notice that the manipulative person isn't really answering the important questions.

Another strategy is that manipulators fill up the air with their own talking. They do not leave space for the thoughts of others. This is conversation control and mind control.

They also keep the conversation at high speed, with no breaks. This keeps the interaction reactive, instead of responsive. They leave no time for deep and careful thinking.

It takes discernment, skill, patience, and self-control to deal with this. Again, most people don't even recognize what the irresponsible person is doing.

But when someone does recognize it, and calls it out, the abuser will either slink away or blow up.

One of the most important things to do is to cut through the emotionalism and to ask specific questions - then to insist on specific answers, with bulldog tenacity.

"You said that you 'tried so hard.' What exactly did you do?"

Watch the abuser flounder, panic and throw a fit when specific questions are directed at him."