Exactly equal

I've been hanging out with Carter the past few nights this week, and I was thinking how the joy of spending time with him is exactly equal to the pull of missing you. It's amazing how two totally opposite feelings can be exactly equal. Not missing you more and enjoying him more-equal in every sense of the word.

It's an odd feeling. People accuse parents of having a "favorite" but I personally can't see how that's possible. One of my sons is with me, one is not. I want to be with Carter as much as I want to be with you. Not more, not less. Not by any amount. The feelings co-exist simultaneously. At the same time, I look forward to what I have ahead with him and miss what we did together. But one doesn't replace the other-they're separate relationships. Separate but equal.

(I don't mean to exclude Hope at all-I just haven't seen her much this week. And the mother-daughter relationship is different than the mother-son relationship.)

When you died, Carter told me at the hospital that now he could be my Hayden. Even at that moment, when everything was so fresh and so painful, the first thing I thought and told him was that he could never be my Hayden because he was my Carter. Thank God for that! Thank you, Lord, for giving me two amazing sons!