Roses in December

Yet another amazing book off the library cart at Ele's Place. I read through it once but will re-read it for notes. She lost two sons in infancy and one to a drunk driver when he was seventeen.

"I shouted to God through my pain, 'Don't let this be wasted. It has to count. It must matter that Nathan, Jimmy, and Ethan Heavilin lived and that they died. Please don't let their lives be wasted.'"

"As I listened to each story (of how this book gave others hope), I heard God whisper in my ear, 'It wasn't wasted. It matters that they lived and that they died.'"

"I am so sorry you have a need to read Roses in December, but since you do, I am grateful that such a book is available. I am comforted in knowing my grief hasn't been wasted."

The Rose of Preparation

Psalm 23:4:  Even when walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way.

"It's amazing how we try to fit God into our mindsets."

John 4:50: Go thy way; thy son liveth.

"(Andi), I loved you enough to die for you; aren't you willing to trust Me with this child?'"

"'Lord, I don't understand this, and I certainly don't like it. But I love You and I trust You. I give you complete control over (Hayden's) life. Now You must give me strength to live through this.'"

"'Marilyn, continue with your plans; serve Me with all your heart; and don't worry about Ethan or Jimmy. They're both living with Me, and they're fine.'"

"One morning as we were driving to school, he said, "Mom, have you ever wondered what Ethan looks like?'"
  "I said, 'Well, honey, you were identical twins; he must look just like you.'"
  "There was quiet for a moment, and then Nate said wistfully, 'Boy, I sure would like to see him.'"
  "I chuckled rather uneasily trying to cover up the strange feeling that flooded over me and replied, 'Well, when we get to heaven, we'll all get to see him and Jimmy too.'"

The Rose of Sorrow

1Thessalonians 4:13: And now, dear brothers, I want you to know what happens to a Christian when he dies so that when it happens, you will not be full of sorrow, as those are who have no hope.

She woke up at 11:44, the time of the accident she found out later. She kept crying, Please bring him home, Lord; please bring him home. (Reminds me of when I saw the police coming to our door and saying, No, Hayden, No!)

He was in a terrible head-on collision

He was brought in as a John Doe, just like you because he was unconscious and unable to identify himself

"Grandchildren aren't supposed to die."

When they found out what time the accident was at, the author thanked God for waking her up at that time. That reminds me of the time we had in between when Jake came by and we were waiting to hear-I had time to finish getting dressed and get the kids up, not knowing what we were preparing for

"My son,...lying on that cart, so helpless;"

His leg was crushed too and he had brain damage. His heart had stopped once already (I remember finding out how you coded at the scene-that was so hard to understand that death was so near)

"God was speaking for me."

"Why didn't we at least have time to say goodbye?"

"However, as I walked into (Hayden's) memorial service and saw nearly a thousand people in attendance, I realized that God had allowed (Hayden) to touch more lives in seventeen years than many of us touch in seventy; many of them young lives, people who can still have years of service for God. Even now as I reread the numerous newspaper articles, including one with the headline: 'Nathan lives now in his heavenly, not Heavilin, home,' I feel confident that (Hayden) was a witness to the entire community for his Lord Jesus, in his life and in his death."

"His death also caused some adults to change their priorities."

On a poster she found: "God gives us memories so we might have roses in December."

"'Keep looking for the roses!'"

The Rose of Comfort

Romans 12:15:  Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Isaiah 57: 1-2:  The good men perish; the godly die before their time...No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace.

"Through this verse, God said to me, '(Andi), it wasn't an accident. I wasn't on vacation the night (Hayden) died. I knew about it before it happened. (Andi), I'm taking him away from something worse. He's with Me, and he's doing fine.'"

"Over the years I've observed that, for the Christian, there are many things worse than death. I may not know until eternity all that God spared (Hayden), but I can rest assured from now until then that (Hayden) is with the Lord, and he is doing fine."

Psalm 116:15: Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

Even before we are formed, our days are numbered (Psalm 139:16)

"'(Andi), you never gave up on (Hayden), you gave over to God.'"

Proverbs 18:19:  It is harder to win back the friendship of an offended brother than to capture a fortified city. His anger shuts you out like iron bars.
(This makes me think of Dad and how much he has hurt me over the years. Even at your death, he was still kicking me when I was down by taking the predominant role as your parent, like I didn't even exist in newspaper articles, etc. I addressed that in the hospital because Margi pointed it out to me that everything was saying, "Bill's son this and Bill's son that. I said, He has a mother! Why am I being left out of this? And when he announced your death to the waiting room full of people, who was in the forefront with him? His mom! I was in the back with the kids. Ridiculous!
  Also, when he took his mom's side when I made a reasonable request to not have to drive her to everything that week. He yelled at me and asked if I knew how much I hurt her by saying that, even though I pointed out that she had three other people who could drive her everywhere. I just didn't want to have to worry about always having to pick her up and find her when we were going to leave, etc., which I felt was very reasonable.  He said, "This is her first grandchild who's died." Are you kidding me? This is my first son who died! Is there an empty room in her house? Did she carry you for nine months and take care of you every day of your life? Why is she taking precedence in this situation? I even apologized to her and figured she would understand, but all she said was, "I have nothing to say to you." Dad defends her TO THIS DAY! That is WRONG!)

"(Hayden) died because God said, 'I miss you, (Hayden); come on home.'"

Colossians 3:15:  Let the peace of God rule in your heart.

Proverbs 16:23:  From a wise mind comes careful and persuasive speech.

"Even when we are in the midst of grief ourselves, we can be a rose to others around us who are hurting if we are willing to be sensitive to their needs."

The Rose of Forgiveness

Ephesians 4:31-32:  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

From Dr. S.I. McMillen's book, None of These Diseases:
"The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can't work any more because he even controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work. The work I formerly enjoyed is now drudgery...
  The man I hate hounds me wherever I go. I can't escape his tyrannical grasp on my mind."

"...I was relieved that (Hayden) had never brought us heartache, shame, or grief during all his seventeen years. We weren't having to help our child work though the guilt he would experience at causing someone else's death."

"When we are grieving, we shouldn't feel compelled to rush forgiveness."

She referenced something from another Joni book! I guess I have to get that one too!

"God does hear and answer our prayers, but many times the work has to begin with us."

The Rose of Remembrance

Philippians 1:3:  I thank God upon every remembrance of you.

"Everything else that goes into our  mind has to be filtered through the thought, My child is dead."

"Acknowledging his existence helps me keep him alive in my mind, and it is important to me to remember the normal, natural, human things about him."

"I felt I had moved back in time, back to when things were normal, back when I couldn't comprehend how much emotional pain one body could stand."

"'A person's not dead until he's forgotten.'"

Easier to deal with feelings when others are crying too. If speak of deaths and no one reacts, that's what makes the tears come.
(That's why I was ok at Christmas when the Grandmas opened the pictures of you and they started crying.)

"We don't talk about (Hayden) constantly now. We are beginning to see him as 'one of the children,' not necessarily just as the 'one who died.'"

The Rose of Friendship

Proverbs 17:17:  A true friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.

"The bereaved are encouraged when they know their loss is shared by others."

"When God puts someone on your mind, respond right away."

Psalm 34:18: The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit

The Rose of Understanding

Proverbs 16:16: How much better is wisdom than gold, and understanding than silver!

inability to function normally

"Those who handle a loss well are usually those who acknowledge their pain, admit to feelings of anger or bitterness, work through those feelings, and give themselves time to heal."

"When you are hurting, it takes a lot of effort to try to help yourself, but the effort is worth it."

should be able to observe constant improvement

The Rose of Innocence

Matthew 18:6:  But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

effect on children

parents become fearful and overprotective of other children-important to give them freedom to live normal lives

The Rose of Uniqueness

Psalm 139:14:  I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

personality differences

The Rose of Tenderness

Psalm 40: 11-12:  O Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me! My only hope is in your love and faithfulness. Otherwise I perish, for problems far too big for me to solve are piled higher than my head.

talks about marriage problems after a death-guilt, blame, lack of communication, not understanding sexual needs, expecting too much of ourselves, lack of special attention, personal responses to grief

The Rose of Love

Romans 5:8:  But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14:  And now, dear brothers, I want you to know what happens to a Christian when he dies so that when it happens, you will not be full of sorrow, as those are who have no hope. For since we believe that when Jesus died and then came back to life again, we can also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him all the Christians who have died.

Jesus Christ is the Rose of Love

"The same God who loved...enough to provide a sacrifice for our sins also allowed some people we loved dearly to die sooner than we thought they should."

The Rose of Confidence

Isaiah 30:15:  In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength.

Does God really have anything to do with what happens to His children?

"Before Satan could touch God's servant Job, Satan asked God's permission."

"I also reasoned that, since God is all-knowing and was aware that each of my children was dying, as He also is an all-powerful God, He had the capacity to change their situations if He so chose."

"I cannot conceive of serving a God who is powerful enough to rise from the dead but not powerful enough to control Satan."

God allows His children to suffer. But why?

Three reasons-to comfort, to correct, to conform

To comfort-the Bible teaches that God allows us to suffer so that we can receive His comfort and then be able to comfort others

To correct-training and instruction, to teach acceptable patterns of life and behavior, but not always

To conform-special plan in mind
Romans 8:29: For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.

Psalm 37:23-24:  The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.

The Rose of Surrender

Romans 8:37: But despite all this, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us enough to die for us.

"I believe God allows troubles and trials to come into the lives of His children to reveal to us our insufficiency, His sufficiency, and His sovereignty."

Psalm 34:19:  The good man does not escape all troubles-he has them too. But the Lord helps him in each and every one.

Job 13:15:  Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.

"Scripture makes it very clear, though, that some of our difficulties, infirmities, and traumas come so that the Son of God may be glorified."

"God does not originate or orchestrate sin, but I do believe we define some things as bad which are not. For example: For the Christian, death is not bad. (Psalm 116:15) Death is sad for the Christians who are left behind to live in this world without our loved ones, but when a Christian is transported from this world into God's eternal world, there is rejoicing in heaven!"

Psalm 73:24: Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.

"The Bible also teaches that God controls (in contrast to "originates") the trouble that comes our way."

Genesis 50:20:  But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive."

"It may appear that we are victims of our circumstances, but I don't think that is true. In our case, I believe God knew (Hayden) was going to be in an accident, and He chose not to intervene. We are so quick to judge God when He allows some occurrence in our lives that seems negative to us, but we don't take into account all of the times He has protected us and spared us from tragedy. I have observed that Christians have trouble healing from their grief if they don't accept God's sovereignty and acknowledge that God is involved in the lives of His children; He controls the obvious good and the apparent bad that occur in our lives."

Important to focus on who God is rather than on what He can, will, or should do

"He is the God who created the universe, numbered my days even before I was formed, and loved me enough to die for me. I serve a great God! If things sometimes don't seem to go according to my plan, it's not that God failed or even necessarily that I failed, but simply that I didn't see His plan. God can see the entire plan for my life and my loved ones' lives all in one quick glance, but I only see a little here and a little there."

Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans that if have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

The Rose of Victory

Psalm 40:3: He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord.

"Life is never the same after a loved one has died or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again--different, but good."

A memorial to child's life to help others through their grief

"The evidences of (Hayden's) impact on the world are all around me. I see his influence on our friends, on his friends, and on our family."