Ready to write

I feel like a lot of topics came to mind last night to write about, but of course I can't think of them now. I will just leave this open so I am ready for them.

Here's one: Last night I was a little sad because of something that Jake posted on Instagram. I can quote it-I will look it up really quick because it ended up on Facebook: Jacob Aulisa on Instagram (there's a picture of you and him on the beach in Grand Haven):"#mancrushmonday but he's also my man crush everyday. I have been missing you a lot lately. It's so weird to think that the person I did everything with and had so much of our lives planned together is just a fading memory, but my memories with you are the best ones I have"
   The "fading memory" part was what was sad to me. I wrote as a comment: "Don't let his memory fade Jake" with a heart after it. I hope that didn't make him feel bad but I just had to say something.

Darn it, it seemed like I had a lot of things to write about last night. I love Coach Katie by the way. I was picking up Carter and Blaise from WWP last night and she was talking to them in the vestibule. She came over to the van and asked how I was doing (I think it's so cute how she calls me "Andi" now). Anyway, I told her we're just trying to figure everything out and work around everything. That question still catches me off guard and I just try to answer quickly so the tears don't start. I wanted to say how you were a gift but I am sure I couldn't have gotten through saying that. Maybe I will next time. I am so glad she was a part of your life. What a positive influence! I told her in the thank-you note from your funeral that she had a big influence on the kind of man you became.

Lately I have seen a lot of stories of how people are meeting the recipients of their children's organ donations. One of them was for Evan Kimball (I think I mentioned him to you before since he's from this area, same age and similar type of car accident except he hit a tree or pole, not another vehicle. They said he fell asleep at the wheel so I don't know how they know that for sure except it was at night and he was driving back to college. That was the category they chose for the reason for your accident but it was paired with distracted driving-ANYWAY), whose accident was after yours. It makes me anxious to hear from your organ recipients, but I guess it's different for them because they knew the person who was getting his heart right from the get-go. I often think that maybe the part I included in the letter to them was too intense as far as telling them about Christ and that is a deterrent to them wanting to meet us. Although the moment of hearing your heart beat in someone else's chest would be amazing, that's only temporal. It would be just one moment. I have to focus on things above and how important it is for these people who have been given a second chance at life to hear the gospel. How much more time we could have with them in heaven if they choose to believe.
   Who knows-maybe that's not the reason at all that we haven't heard from any of them. Everyone's situation is different. It's hard not to compare though. Chad Carr's mom posted a letter from Eversight telling about the recipients of Chad's eyes. They weren't able to use your eyes, as you know. I know Dad is anxious and even pushing Gift of Life to meet your recipients. I don't think that's a good way to approach it. He says because of the tremendous gift we have given them, they should reach out to us. I don't think you can force something like that. It's a very sensitive subject. All that we can do is write the letters indicating that we are open to meeting them, and leave it at that. Dad has no patience. He thinks everyone owes him. It's sad.

About Dad, he hasn't been handling things well. Not that he has ever been able to. I don't really want to talk about him that much I guess because he's been horrible. Yet I continue. Anyway, he basically hasn't worked since your accident. He has worked I guess but he hasn't made any money. He's taken a lot of time off in general, which is fine, but he should be more respectful of the money that I am bringing home and the money we received from insurance, the GoFundMe account, etc. (by the way which is all gone). Now he's blowing through my bonus and adding expensive upgrades to your headstone, doubling our home improvement budget, etc., all the while treating me like crap the whole time. He's lucky that I am able to function and get up and go to work every day. Just because I work for my dad doesn't mean I would just get my same income if I didn't come in.
   And now I was able to get health insurance through here as well since he can't provide that either. He sees it I think that since it's my dad that he owes me, but I don't see it that way. I see it as a great gift. That's $1000 a month that they are covering that we had to pay out of pocket before. Even when that was on the table, he still wanted to check with friends of his, etc. for better rates. I said if they are offering us free insurance, go with the guy they use, who is fine. I literally can't say anything to Dad about ANYTHING. He always has an excuse or turns it around on me.
   I wanted to hold onto as much money from my bonus as possible since we didn't know how long it had to last until Dad started earning an income again. This doesn't matter to him-he always thinks more is coming. Like we agreed to getting the kitchen/living area fixed and painted and then he tacked on some more stuff from Jim across the street to add cupboards, new counters, etc. It looks nice, but it's temporary until we do what we really want to do. For that very reason, I didn't want to put a lot of money into the "temporary" because it is just that-temporary! Then he had to buy all of his start-up gear for his new job-of course only the best for Billy. Whatever money I try to set aside for things always has to be used to cover some extra expense I didn't know about. He is impossible to deal with.
    He has only gotten worse since your death. He had issues with going to church before, and that continues. That is one of my life lines, so I make myself go when I think I want to stay home for some reason, like last Sun. night when they were all already planning on not going. In my mind, being closer to God is being closer to you, even though God alone is worthy. I don't know why a Christian husband and father would discourage his wife and children from going to church. I think what has happened is that this situation has stripped him down to his core and it is being revealed that there wasn't a lot in his core to begin with. I am thankful that I had a stronger foundation to begin with, which I didn't even realize was there.
   I don't know what's going to happen with him. Hopefully this job will be good for him. I certainly enjoy having him away from the house as do Hope and Carter. I remember how nice it was that week of your accident when he "moved" out for a few days. It was nice just having the four of us, even for just those few days. I just remember (from summer in general) lots of outdoor dinners and remember going to Sonic the night before your accident? That was so cool.
  I think that's it about Dad for now. I think I have even more to write about though on this post.

  When I was re-reading this, I remembered how I was thinking how ironic it is that you died. You, wonderful you. We ADORED you! All of us! You made life so FUN! Why you? Why not some dope that no one cared about? You were an amazing gift to us, to me. Part of me is glad that you don't have to deal with this world and all of its troubles, but I MISS YOU! I know we will be together again someday, but sometimes that seems so far off. It feels like a horrible dream sometimes, like how can you be dead? It just doesn't seem right. It's not right in a way. You were one of my greatest treasures!
Why were you taken from me? WHY?
   The word treasures made me look up this verse in Matthew 6:19-21: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Thanks for that Lord! That was such a quick save! One of my treasures is in heaven. Protected from harm and suffering here on earth and waiting for me there. I can certainly admit that my heart has been more on God and heaven since all of this happened. Thank you Lord. Sometimes we have to wait on You, but sometimes we don't. Praise the Lord!

See I told you I had a lot to write. I need to get your laptop hooked back up at home so I can write there when I need to. Tonight is Ele's Place. Sometimes it bugs me when I have to go on my own, but also sometimes the things that Dad shares don't make sense. Like last week told about the tree that someone gave us (the Beards) to plant in your memory. He asked why people don't give us trees to plant for our living children. OK. The guys in the group like him just because he's another guy, but they don't know how he really is. Like the rest of the world. He just sent me an ugly email in regards to an email from my weekly check-in about Carter with Mrs. Schwartzenberger. He said that my methods with Carter and homework/grades isn't working and maybe I need to skip a load of laundry here and there to focus more on helping him. Whatever. This is not going to be fixed in a few weeks-it's ongoing. It was my idea to check in weekly with the teacher-Dad's "method" last trimester was to threaten Carter at the end of the tri when he noticed his bad grades and only had a week or so to retake tests, etc. I deleted his email because it was so discouraging and then he forwarded the email to my work email because I "didn't reply". There was nothing to reply to! There were no questions or anything. Oh, well. Maybe I can find a way to block him from my work email. I hate when he uses that for stupid stuff. I like to keep it separate.
   
That's enough for a day, I guess. Love you so much! You will never be just a fading memory to me! I know that Jake didn't mean it that way, but it still saddened me. Stay close to me!