I was so down this weekend, missing you. I actually felt hopeless. Friday night I was thinking I would be all alone so that was depressing, but then Hope ended up coming home early. "The Breakfast Club" was on TV, so I watched that. Saturday wasn't much better-I got up early for exercise class but then didn't feel like doing much after that. I forced myself to clean up the kitchen a little and then dealt with a bunch of Carter's friends being over. I was glad I had plans with Aunt Gretchen to go to dinner to get me through the day. I actually had a really good time with her. She knows how Dad is and Grandma Elsie, so we discussed them at length. I was surprised that she told me she doesn't know how I have put up with Dad for so long. It's amazing how similar Uncle Johnny and Dad are. You can tell they were raised by the same irrational person. (Sorry-I know she's your grandma, but it's true. I have issues with Grandma Joonie as well, so I am not just singling Grandma Elsie out).
When I got home Saturday night, I heard a hissing sound and noticed that there was air coming out of one of the tires on the van. I called a bunch of people, and Jessica's boyfriend Aaron helped since he and Amanda had just dropped off the kids from glow golf and B-Dubs. Aaron works for a body shop, so he knows what he's doing around cars. Uncle Tony ended up showing up (smelling drunk) but he brought a jack which was helpful. Long story short, they put the spare tire on but it was a big pain because of where the tire was stored under the van in some kind of Fort Knox-like protective shield. In the meantime, Amanda and Kaisa hung out with us and they played Sorry with the kids which was fun.
Sunday morning came and I was still not feeling that great. Did Sunday School and Jr. Church and felt really sad on the way home, which I always feel a little sad for some reason. Maybe because it's the same way home from the hospital, I don't know. I got some stuff done during the day and then didn't make it to Evening Church which I felt bad about but Hope didn't want to go because the Reid girls weren't going to youth group and Carter didn't want to go to church because Mrs. Naomi wasn't going to be there to teach their class. He went to a friend's and I didn't want to deal with switching the van with the car because Dad said I shouldn't drive too far on the spare tire, so I stayed home. I felt very bad about that. Then Carter kept pushing me to stay later and later at his friend's house (Bobby Butler) and even tried to arrange a sleepover. I can't agree to school night sleepovers, and he came home all mad (even though he said he wouldn't) and was too tired out to practice clarinet or do his homework. He went to bed at 9:30 and promised to get up early to finish his homework and shower. I felt like a failure parent at that point. I worked on some helps for his math for the morning to make the morning go smoother. Before that I worked on the blog with the notes I finally finished from "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." I was bawling the whole time thinking about you and I texted Jake a little because I was sad for him since it was Oscar night.
I went to bed and slept well but had nightmares about working on Carter's homework. It took him like ten minutes to do everything and I got him to school a little early because I thought today was Hope's make-up concert from a concert that was cancelled due to weather last week. It actually is tomorrow, so I got to go home and sleep for another 45 minutes.
When I woke up, I felt much better about everything for some reason. I had received a letter from Aetna over the weekend, and those kind of things always freak me out because I get afraid that your medical bills aren't going to be paid. I checked online and the big ones were paid and I checked Citizens because I always forget that they are the back-up for our main health insurance. Everything seems to be ok-I have been afraid to check because I didn't want to know.
My point of writing this is to remind myself that just as I can go down in the dumps for no particular reason, things can turn around and I can feel better the next for no particular reason. I was wondering if this is becoming more real to me or what sometimes. Sometimes I feel a pull like I don't want to feel better. Why should I feel better about you being gone? But I have to keep pushing forward for Hope and Carter. They deserve it. You deserve it. I know you wouldn't want us to not enjoy life and look forward to things anymore. You want us to enjoy and love life like you did. Thank you, boy. You still cheer me up even when I don't think I want to be cheered up. Just like I texted to Jake: "He (you) was such a gift. I knew that when he was here though. I am so thankful for him." Love you SO MUCH boy!
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