Pinnacle of pain

I wrote this title down at home over the weekend so I would remember this thought to write about. I don't know if I can handle writing about it now, but the idea behind it is that nothing in my life will ever hurt more than losing you. There may be things that would be equally painful, but nothing more painful. The only thing that I could see being as painful are equal losses. And by equal losses I don't even include anything that could happen to me, even my own death. This is the worst pain I will ever go through in my life. And it's pretty horrible.
   Anything else I can think of pales in comparison. I feel bad about that sometimes and even got in trouble for it once (I can explain that later), but that's just my perspective now unfortunately. When I hear someone is sick or dying or has died, I don't care as much as I used to. If someone was hurt and going to be okay especially, I have no compassion. I do feel bad when other people lose children though of course, because I know how it is.
  We discussed this in the grief support group too a few times, especially when someone dies who is old. Or when someone's pet dies. The natural end of life. The expected end of life.
   I thought of this when I was worried about driving the van home after the scrimmage in East Lansing on Saturday. I was worried that the engine would quit, or the steering would quit. Then what, maybe we would get in a crash and get hurt or die? That happens. (That reminded me of another post title I thought of, so I took a break and wrote that down-"I'll trust Him whatever befall"). So many times in life, I worry about things and want them to turn out the way I want them to, like having a safe drive home or having enough money for bills. When I am hoping for things to turn out the way I want, that's not trusting God, that's just worrying and wishing for my own outcome. I need to completely let go of everything and literally give it all to God. I thought I was doing that before but I wasn't.
  A mental image that comes to mind is just letting my worries go to the wind. Because worrying about them doesn't do anything but make me more upset. Like opening up a door and letting them fly out. This is bothering me a little bit because I feel like it's morphing into what I wanted to include in the other post.

I just decided to add that title to this title--like a mixed song (like "This Is My Father's World" and "For the Beauty of the Earth" on Pandora). Hopefully this will work. (See below)

When I look at the word, "pinnacle", it makes me think of something high up when this pain feels very, very deep. I might look for another word to describe it, although what I mean by "pinnacle" is the most pain I will ever feel. I kind of lost my train of thought on all of this. I will work on this another day. Love you boy!

I tried to continue this after a few days, but it just wasn't fitting anymore, so I made a separate post for "I'll Trust Him Whatever Befall."

To finish up this post, I mentioned that I got in trouble for my new way of thinking about "close calls" that others have. A few weeks ago, Dad came home from playing euchre with Grandma Elsie, Aunt Margie and Aunt Becky. He told me that Grandma has this condition that when she drinks water it goes into her lung sometimes. Anyway, he said that happened and she started coughing/choking like crazy. He said it was really scary. I couldn't feel that bad for her, so I said "I've seen scarier things than that." And he said, "Like, what?" and I said, "Hayden dying." Dad got mad at me and asked if I would have cared if it was my mom or someone in my family. I answered no. Here's my view on it: they knew she had this condition and she was fine. She didn't die. That's nothing to me. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I couldn't help it. Some things just don't concern me anymore.

For the word "pinnacle", I couldn't find a better, deeper-sounding word. One word that came up is "nadir" but I never heard that word before. I think I will leave it a "Pinnacle of Pain". It is a nice alliteration if nothing else.

To end this on a positive note, if I have already been in the depths of pain, what else can I fear? Praise our Holy God for that!