Steve Worrell sang this yesterday at church and I remembered that it was played at your service for the postlude. I wanted to include the lyrics like I have for a lot of other significant songs. Hope had a funny memory of you and the Worrells that I will include at the end.
It Is Well with My Soul
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed His own blood for my soul
(Refrain)
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(Refrain)
And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain)
Story from above: Hope remembered that one time when the youth group went ice skating, Steve and Katrina were holding hands when they were skating. The others dared you to skate up next to Steve and hold his hand, so you did. So funny! Love you boy!
Monday, February 29, 2016
Bad weekend (Happy ending though)
I was so down this weekend, missing you. I actually felt hopeless. Friday night I was thinking I would be all alone so that was depressing, but then Hope ended up coming home early. "The Breakfast Club" was on TV, so I watched that. Saturday wasn't much better-I got up early for exercise class but then didn't feel like doing much after that. I forced myself to clean up the kitchen a little and then dealt with a bunch of Carter's friends being over. I was glad I had plans with Aunt Gretchen to go to dinner to get me through the day. I actually had a really good time with her. She knows how Dad is and Grandma Elsie, so we discussed them at length. I was surprised that she told me she doesn't know how I have put up with Dad for so long. It's amazing how similar Uncle Johnny and Dad are. You can tell they were raised by the same irrational person. (Sorry-I know she's your grandma, but it's true. I have issues with Grandma Joonie as well, so I am not just singling Grandma Elsie out).
When I got home Saturday night, I heard a hissing sound and noticed that there was air coming out of one of the tires on the van. I called a bunch of people, and Jessica's boyfriend Aaron helped since he and Amanda had just dropped off the kids from glow golf and B-Dubs. Aaron works for a body shop, so he knows what he's doing around cars. Uncle Tony ended up showing up (smelling drunk) but he brought a jack which was helpful. Long story short, they put the spare tire on but it was a big pain because of where the tire was stored under the van in some kind of Fort Knox-like protective shield. In the meantime, Amanda and Kaisa hung out with us and they played Sorry with the kids which was fun.
Sunday morning came and I was still not feeling that great. Did Sunday School and Jr. Church and felt really sad on the way home, which I always feel a little sad for some reason. Maybe because it's the same way home from the hospital, I don't know. I got some stuff done during the day and then didn't make it to Evening Church which I felt bad about but Hope didn't want to go because the Reid girls weren't going to youth group and Carter didn't want to go to church because Mrs. Naomi wasn't going to be there to teach their class. He went to a friend's and I didn't want to deal with switching the van with the car because Dad said I shouldn't drive too far on the spare tire, so I stayed home. I felt very bad about that. Then Carter kept pushing me to stay later and later at his friend's house (Bobby Butler) and even tried to arrange a sleepover. I can't agree to school night sleepovers, and he came home all mad (even though he said he wouldn't) and was too tired out to practice clarinet or do his homework. He went to bed at 9:30 and promised to get up early to finish his homework and shower. I felt like a failure parent at that point. I worked on some helps for his math for the morning to make the morning go smoother. Before that I worked on the blog with the notes I finally finished from "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." I was bawling the whole time thinking about you and I texted Jake a little because I was sad for him since it was Oscar night.
I went to bed and slept well but had nightmares about working on Carter's homework. It took him like ten minutes to do everything and I got him to school a little early because I thought today was Hope's make-up concert from a concert that was cancelled due to weather last week. It actually is tomorrow, so I got to go home and sleep for another 45 minutes.
When I woke up, I felt much better about everything for some reason. I had received a letter from Aetna over the weekend, and those kind of things always freak me out because I get afraid that your medical bills aren't going to be paid. I checked online and the big ones were paid and I checked Citizens because I always forget that they are the back-up for our main health insurance. Everything seems to be ok-I have been afraid to check because I didn't want to know.
My point of writing this is to remind myself that just as I can go down in the dumps for no particular reason, things can turn around and I can feel better the next for no particular reason. I was wondering if this is becoming more real to me or what sometimes. Sometimes I feel a pull like I don't want to feel better. Why should I feel better about you being gone? But I have to keep pushing forward for Hope and Carter. They deserve it. You deserve it. I know you wouldn't want us to not enjoy life and look forward to things anymore. You want us to enjoy and love life like you did. Thank you, boy. You still cheer me up even when I don't think I want to be cheered up. Just like I texted to Jake: "He (you) was such a gift. I knew that when he was here though. I am so thankful for him." Love you SO MUCH boy!
When I got home Saturday night, I heard a hissing sound and noticed that there was air coming out of one of the tires on the van. I called a bunch of people, and Jessica's boyfriend Aaron helped since he and Amanda had just dropped off the kids from glow golf and B-Dubs. Aaron works for a body shop, so he knows what he's doing around cars. Uncle Tony ended up showing up (smelling drunk) but he brought a jack which was helpful. Long story short, they put the spare tire on but it was a big pain because of where the tire was stored under the van in some kind of Fort Knox-like protective shield. In the meantime, Amanda and Kaisa hung out with us and they played Sorry with the kids which was fun.
Sunday morning came and I was still not feeling that great. Did Sunday School and Jr. Church and felt really sad on the way home, which I always feel a little sad for some reason. Maybe because it's the same way home from the hospital, I don't know. I got some stuff done during the day and then didn't make it to Evening Church which I felt bad about but Hope didn't want to go because the Reid girls weren't going to youth group and Carter didn't want to go to church because Mrs. Naomi wasn't going to be there to teach their class. He went to a friend's and I didn't want to deal with switching the van with the car because Dad said I shouldn't drive too far on the spare tire, so I stayed home. I felt very bad about that. Then Carter kept pushing me to stay later and later at his friend's house (Bobby Butler) and even tried to arrange a sleepover. I can't agree to school night sleepovers, and he came home all mad (even though he said he wouldn't) and was too tired out to practice clarinet or do his homework. He went to bed at 9:30 and promised to get up early to finish his homework and shower. I felt like a failure parent at that point. I worked on some helps for his math for the morning to make the morning go smoother. Before that I worked on the blog with the notes I finally finished from "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." I was bawling the whole time thinking about you and I texted Jake a little because I was sad for him since it was Oscar night.
I went to bed and slept well but had nightmares about working on Carter's homework. It took him like ten minutes to do everything and I got him to school a little early because I thought today was Hope's make-up concert from a concert that was cancelled due to weather last week. It actually is tomorrow, so I got to go home and sleep for another 45 minutes.
When I woke up, I felt much better about everything for some reason. I had received a letter from Aetna over the weekend, and those kind of things always freak me out because I get afraid that your medical bills aren't going to be paid. I checked online and the big ones were paid and I checked Citizens because I always forget that they are the back-up for our main health insurance. Everything seems to be ok-I have been afraid to check because I didn't want to know.
My point of writing this is to remind myself that just as I can go down in the dumps for no particular reason, things can turn around and I can feel better the next for no particular reason. I was wondering if this is becoming more real to me or what sometimes. Sometimes I feel a pull like I don't want to feel better. Why should I feel better about you being gone? But I have to keep pushing forward for Hope and Carter. They deserve it. You deserve it. I know you wouldn't want us to not enjoy life and look forward to things anymore. You want us to enjoy and love life like you did. Thank you, boy. You still cheer me up even when I don't think I want to be cheered up. Just like I texted to Jake: "He (you) was such a gift. I knew that when he was here though. I am so thankful for him." Love you SO MUCH boy!
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Just What I Needed
This was on Jeannette Brenner's Facebook page-I so needed this tonight!
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You a Christian man, do you not know what is on the other side?" The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing..I know my Master is there and that is enough."
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You a Christian man, do you not know what is on the other side?" The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing..I know my Master is there and that is enough."
"When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushnar
This book was amazing! It started out weird like I wondered if he believed in God at all. I will have to re-read the book to get some more notes, but it lifted a giant weight off my chest!
"The God I believe in does not send us the problem; He gives us the strength to cope with the problem."
2 Samuel 12: 19-23: When David saw that his servants were whispering, David perceived that the child was dead. Therefore David said to his servants, "Is the child dead?"
And they said, "He is dead."
So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went into his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, "What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child died, you arose and ate food."
And he said, "While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, "Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?" But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
The book said it so much better, so I will have to get quotes, etc. but the bottom line is that suffering and death do not come from God's hand. They are part of this sin-cursed world. Most people when they are trying to make sense of tragedy try to look at it as a punishment for themselves or their loved one. It is not. Aahh-I'm not doing it justice. I will have to consult the book. God can't put a protective bubble around believers. There are laws of gravity and laws of nature that apply to everyone equally. Most tragedy is random. It doesn't care who it is. God doesn't single out certain people to strike down. He gave humans free will. The only thing that we can do is choose how we respond to the tragedy in our lives. And that God will be there to help us through it.
The author referred to the book of Job a lot. There were three ideas that he presented that made it seem like they couldn't all be true at the same time: That God is good, that Job was good, and that God is all-powerful. (I am so botching this up. I just want to record some of the ideas that stood out to me so I can come back to this later). Anyway, I feel better about so many things!
Well, I re-read the book and I have so many notes! I guess I better get started.
"Like most people, I was aware of the human tragedies that darkened the landscape--the young people who die in car crashes,..." (this was in the foreword I think but I just kept re-reading it, so I decided to include it.)
Chapter 1: Why Do the Righteous Suffer?
only question that really matters
troubled by unfair distribution of suffering in the world
raise question about the goodness, kindness and even existence of God
try to understand why ordinary people should have to bear extraordinary burdens of grief and pain
one way people try to make sense of world's suffering is by assuming we deserve what we get
limitations to this idea
people blame themselves
creates guilt-no basis
makes people hate God
does not even fit the facts
console themselves with idea that God has His reasons for making this happen to them, reasons
they are in no position to judge
"weaver"explanation-no one sees this hypothetical tapestry
"teaching a lesson"
"pain helps us"
not every painful thing beneficial
never told what being punished for
price too high for that
"testing"because we can handle it-not a comfort
many of us fail the test
try to tell us tragedy comes to liberate us from a world of pain and lead us to a better place
All responses share-God is cause of our suffering and try to understand why God would want us to
suffer
Psalm 121:1-2 Does not say-my pain comes from the Lord, but my help comes from the Lord
Chapter 2: The Story of a Man Named Job
why God lets good people suffer
what kind of God would kill innocent children and visit unbearable anguish on His most devoted
follower in order to prove a point/win a bet with Satan?
challenges God to appear with evidence
God appears-what do you know about how to run a world?
Three statements
(1) God is all-powerful and causes everything that happens
(2) God is just and fair and stands for people getting what the deserve
(3) Job is a good person
which one to sacrifice to prove others true
blaming the victim
God may choose to be fair but can we say that He must be fair?
author of Job-believes in God's goodness and in Job's goodness
misfortunes do not come from God
Chapter 3: Sometimes There Is No Reason
randomness of universe
someone safe in an accident-give credit to God
what about those who don't make it-less worthy or valuable in God's sight?
arbitrary acts of condemning and saving
some things just happen at random, for no cause
randomness=chaos
causing tragedies at random
prevents people from believing in God's goodness
angers and saddens God too (the tragedy does)
Chapter 4: No Exceptions for Nice People
laws of nature-unchanging character
gravity, chemistry
human bodies
treat everyone alike
bullet has no conscience nor a malignant tumor nor an automobile gone out of control
could certain people be immune to laws of nature while others left to fend for themselves?
would cause more problems
nature is morally blind, without values
becomes much easier to take God seriously as the source of moral values if we don't hold Him
responsible for all the unfair things that happen in the world
pain-unpleasant but necessary part of being alive
pain does not represent God's punishing us
only humans can find meaning in their pain
pain is the price we pay for being alive
what we do with our pain so that it becomes meaningful and not just pointless empty suffering
it is result of pain that makes some experiences of pain meaningful and others empty and destructive
God gives strength and courage to those who suffer pain and the fear of death
Imagine if people lived forever
world impossibly crowded
people would avoid having children
Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life
Rise beyond "Why did it happen?" and ask, "What do I do now that it has happened?"
Chapter 5: God Leaves Us Room to Be Human
Let us make man in our image
Adam & Eve-more than disobeying God and being punished for it
know good vs. bad (vs. animals)
punishments/consequences
sexual tension
parenting
working hard for our food
human beings know they're going to die
being free to make choices
not really choosing if only choice is good
God has to leave us free to choose
God has set Himself the limit that He will not intervene to take away our freedom
(thought-only God can limit God)
Being human leaves us free to hurt each other
i.e. Holocaust
God couldn't prevent it
"We owe God our lives for the few or many years we live, and we have the duty to worship Him and do as He commands us."
Chapter 6: God Helps Those Who Stop Hurting Themselves
one of worst things that happens to a person who has been hurt by life--sees himself as a bad
person who had this coming to him--drives people away
what not to say in a tragedy
anything critical of mourner
minimize mourner's pain
asks mourner to disguise/reject feelings
what to do-come, listen
survivors feel guilty
(1) strenuous need to believe that the world makes sense, that there's a cause and effect and a
reason for everything that happens
(2) notion that we are the cause of what happens, especially bad things
death of another child for children
child's sense of vulnerability
very unusual-that's why everyone is talking about it
not a punishment-just a senseless, terrible accident
depression-anger turned inward
ok to be angry at God but what happened is not His fault
angry at situation
jealousy-for us to suffer an accident/bereavement is bad enough--worse for us to suffer it while
those around us don't
truth-people have wounds and scars of their own
"Anguish and heartbreak may not be distributed evenly throughout the world, but they are distributed very widely.'
Chapter 7: God Can't Do Everything, But He Can Do Some Important Things
praying for a person's health, for a favorable outcome for an operation, has implications...
If prayer worked the way many people think it does, no one would ever die because no prayer is
offered more sincerely,...
Why didn't I get what I prayed for?
We cannot ask God to change laws of nature for our benefit, to make fatal conditions less fatal or to change the inexorable cause of an illness
miracles do happen
prayers meant to do someone harm-bad
What does prayer do-
puts us in touch with other people, redeems people from isolation
puts us in touch with God
pray for courage, strength to bear the unbearable, grace to remember what they have left instead of what they have lost
strength to go on day after day
God gives us the strength to cope with the problem
turn to Him, admit that we can't do it on our own
people who pray for strength, hope and courage get it
"You didn't get a miracle to avert a tragedy. But you discovered people around you, and God beside you, and strength within you, to help you survive the tragedy.I offer that as an example of a prayer being answered."
Chapter 8: What Good, Then, Is Religion?
affirm life
No one ever promised us a life free from pain and disappointment
The most anyone promised us was that we would not be alone in our pain, and that we would be
able to draw upon a source outside ourselves for the strength and courage we would need to
survive life's tragedies and life's unfairness
Recognize God's limitations
limited by laws of nature and human moral freedom
God does not cause our misfortunes
Bad things that happen to us in our lives do not have a meaning when they happen to us. But we can
give them a meaning
"Now that this has happened, what shall I do about it?"
Our reaction to tragedy-devil's martyrs vs. God's martyrs
let them be witnesses for God and for life
the dead depend on us for their redemption and their immortality
God-created world where more good things happen than bad
God-inspires people to help other people
He does not give us the calamity but gives us the strength and perseverance to overcome it
choosing to go on living and creating new life
"Man depends on God for all things; God depends on man for one.Without Man's love, God does not exist as God, only as creator, and love is the one thing no one, not even God Himself, can command. It is a free gift,or it is nothing. And it is most itself, most free, when it is offered in spite of suffering, of injustice and of death."
(from Dimensions of Job, MacLeish)
"We do not love God because He is perfect. We do not love Him because He protects us from all harm and keeps evil things from happening to us.We do not love Him because we are afraid of Him, or because He will hurt us if we turn our back on Him. We love Him because He is God, because He is the author of all the beauty and the order around us, the source of our strength and the hope and the courage within us, and of other people's strength and hope and courage with which we are helped in our time of need. We love Him because He is the best part of ourselves and of our world. This is what is means to love. Love is not the admiration of perfection, but the acceptance of an imperfect person with all his imperfections, because loving and accepting him makes us better and stronger."
End of book (author's son who died was Aaron): I think of Aaron and all that his life taught me, and I realize how much I have lost and how much I have gained. Yesterday seems less painful, and I am not afraid of tomorrow.
"The God I believe in does not send us the problem; He gives us the strength to cope with the problem."
2 Samuel 12: 19-23: When David saw that his servants were whispering, David perceived that the child was dead. Therefore David said to his servants, "Is the child dead?"
And they said, "He is dead."
So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went into his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, "What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child died, you arose and ate food."
And he said, "While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, "Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?" But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
The book said it so much better, so I will have to get quotes, etc. but the bottom line is that suffering and death do not come from God's hand. They are part of this sin-cursed world. Most people when they are trying to make sense of tragedy try to look at it as a punishment for themselves or their loved one. It is not. Aahh-I'm not doing it justice. I will have to consult the book. God can't put a protective bubble around believers. There are laws of gravity and laws of nature that apply to everyone equally. Most tragedy is random. It doesn't care who it is. God doesn't single out certain people to strike down. He gave humans free will. The only thing that we can do is choose how we respond to the tragedy in our lives. And that God will be there to help us through it.
The author referred to the book of Job a lot. There were three ideas that he presented that made it seem like they couldn't all be true at the same time: That God is good, that Job was good, and that God is all-powerful. (I am so botching this up. I just want to record some of the ideas that stood out to me so I can come back to this later). Anyway, I feel better about so many things!
Well, I re-read the book and I have so many notes! I guess I better get started.
"Like most people, I was aware of the human tragedies that darkened the landscape--the young people who die in car crashes,..." (this was in the foreword I think but I just kept re-reading it, so I decided to include it.)
Chapter 1: Why Do the Righteous Suffer?
only question that really matters
troubled by unfair distribution of suffering in the world
raise question about the goodness, kindness and even existence of God
try to understand why ordinary people should have to bear extraordinary burdens of grief and pain
one way people try to make sense of world's suffering is by assuming we deserve what we get
limitations to this idea
people blame themselves
creates guilt-no basis
makes people hate God
does not even fit the facts
console themselves with idea that God has His reasons for making this happen to them, reasons
they are in no position to judge
"weaver"explanation-no one sees this hypothetical tapestry
"teaching a lesson"
"pain helps us"
not every painful thing beneficial
never told what being punished for
price too high for that
"testing"because we can handle it-not a comfort
many of us fail the test
try to tell us tragedy comes to liberate us from a world of pain and lead us to a better place
All responses share-God is cause of our suffering and try to understand why God would want us to
suffer
Psalm 121:1-2 Does not say-my pain comes from the Lord, but my help comes from the Lord
Chapter 2: The Story of a Man Named Job
why God lets good people suffer
what kind of God would kill innocent children and visit unbearable anguish on His most devoted
follower in order to prove a point/win a bet with Satan?
challenges God to appear with evidence
God appears-what do you know about how to run a world?
Three statements
(1) God is all-powerful and causes everything that happens
(2) God is just and fair and stands for people getting what the deserve
(3) Job is a good person
which one to sacrifice to prove others true
blaming the victim
God may choose to be fair but can we say that He must be fair?
author of Job-believes in God's goodness and in Job's goodness
misfortunes do not come from God
Chapter 3: Sometimes There Is No Reason
randomness of universe
someone safe in an accident-give credit to God
what about those who don't make it-less worthy or valuable in God's sight?
arbitrary acts of condemning and saving
some things just happen at random, for no cause
randomness=chaos
causing tragedies at random
prevents people from believing in God's goodness
angers and saddens God too (the tragedy does)
Chapter 4: No Exceptions for Nice People
laws of nature-unchanging character
gravity, chemistry
human bodies
treat everyone alike
bullet has no conscience nor a malignant tumor nor an automobile gone out of control
could certain people be immune to laws of nature while others left to fend for themselves?
would cause more problems
nature is morally blind, without values
becomes much easier to take God seriously as the source of moral values if we don't hold Him
responsible for all the unfair things that happen in the world
pain-unpleasant but necessary part of being alive
pain does not represent God's punishing us
only humans can find meaning in their pain
pain is the price we pay for being alive
what we do with our pain so that it becomes meaningful and not just pointless empty suffering
it is result of pain that makes some experiences of pain meaningful and others empty and destructive
God gives strength and courage to those who suffer pain and the fear of death
Imagine if people lived forever
world impossibly crowded
people would avoid having children
Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life
Rise beyond "Why did it happen?" and ask, "What do I do now that it has happened?"
Chapter 5: God Leaves Us Room to Be Human
Let us make man in our image
Adam & Eve-more than disobeying God and being punished for it
know good vs. bad (vs. animals)
punishments/consequences
sexual tension
parenting
working hard for our food
human beings know they're going to die
being free to make choices
not really choosing if only choice is good
God has to leave us free to choose
God has set Himself the limit that He will not intervene to take away our freedom
(thought-only God can limit God)
Being human leaves us free to hurt each other
i.e. Holocaust
God couldn't prevent it
"We owe God our lives for the few or many years we live, and we have the duty to worship Him and do as He commands us."
Chapter 6: God Helps Those Who Stop Hurting Themselves
one of worst things that happens to a person who has been hurt by life--sees himself as a bad
person who had this coming to him--drives people away
what not to say in a tragedy
anything critical of mourner
minimize mourner's pain
asks mourner to disguise/reject feelings
what to do-come, listen
survivors feel guilty
(1) strenuous need to believe that the world makes sense, that there's a cause and effect and a
reason for everything that happens
(2) notion that we are the cause of what happens, especially bad things
death of another child for children
child's sense of vulnerability
very unusual-that's why everyone is talking about it
not a punishment-just a senseless, terrible accident
depression-anger turned inward
ok to be angry at God but what happened is not His fault
angry at situation
jealousy-for us to suffer an accident/bereavement is bad enough--worse for us to suffer it while
those around us don't
truth-people have wounds and scars of their own
"Anguish and heartbreak may not be distributed evenly throughout the world, but they are distributed very widely.'
Chapter 7: God Can't Do Everything, But He Can Do Some Important Things
praying for a person's health, for a favorable outcome for an operation, has implications...
If prayer worked the way many people think it does, no one would ever die because no prayer is
offered more sincerely,...
Why didn't I get what I prayed for?
We cannot ask God to change laws of nature for our benefit, to make fatal conditions less fatal or to change the inexorable cause of an illness
miracles do happen
prayers meant to do someone harm-bad
What does prayer do-
puts us in touch with other people, redeems people from isolation
puts us in touch with God
pray for courage, strength to bear the unbearable, grace to remember what they have left instead of what they have lost
strength to go on day after day
God gives us the strength to cope with the problem
turn to Him, admit that we can't do it on our own
people who pray for strength, hope and courage get it
"You didn't get a miracle to avert a tragedy. But you discovered people around you, and God beside you, and strength within you, to help you survive the tragedy.I offer that as an example of a prayer being answered."
Chapter 8: What Good, Then, Is Religion?
affirm life
No one ever promised us a life free from pain and disappointment
The most anyone promised us was that we would not be alone in our pain, and that we would be
able to draw upon a source outside ourselves for the strength and courage we would need to
survive life's tragedies and life's unfairness
Recognize God's limitations
limited by laws of nature and human moral freedom
God does not cause our misfortunes
Bad things that happen to us in our lives do not have a meaning when they happen to us. But we can
give them a meaning
"Now that this has happened, what shall I do about it?"
Our reaction to tragedy-devil's martyrs vs. God's martyrs
let them be witnesses for God and for life
the dead depend on us for their redemption and their immortality
God-created world where more good things happen than bad
God-inspires people to help other people
He does not give us the calamity but gives us the strength and perseverance to overcome it
choosing to go on living and creating new life
"Man depends on God for all things; God depends on man for one.Without Man's love, God does not exist as God, only as creator, and love is the one thing no one, not even God Himself, can command. It is a free gift,or it is nothing. And it is most itself, most free, when it is offered in spite of suffering, of injustice and of death."
(from Dimensions of Job, MacLeish)
"We do not love God because He is perfect. We do not love Him because He protects us from all harm and keeps evil things from happening to us.We do not love Him because we are afraid of Him, or because He will hurt us if we turn our back on Him. We love Him because He is God, because He is the author of all the beauty and the order around us, the source of our strength and the hope and the courage within us, and of other people's strength and hope and courage with which we are helped in our time of need. We love Him because He is the best part of ourselves and of our world. This is what is means to love. Love is not the admiration of perfection, but the acceptance of an imperfect person with all his imperfections, because loving and accepting him makes us better and stronger."
End of book (author's son who died was Aaron): I think of Aaron and all that his life taught me, and I realize how much I have lost and how much I have gained. Yesterday seems less painful, and I am not afraid of tomorrow.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Sables
There are so many Sables everywhere. Since your accident, I think I have seen one in every color. Even the color of yours which was pretty unique. When we were talking about you on the way home from church the other day, a blue one passed right in front of us at a traffic light. Another time I saw three different colored Sables on my way back from lunch to work, and that is an extremely short drive. Some of it may be the fact that I'm noticing them more, but there are a lot of them around with that same body style, etc. I know you loved that car. I know you loved Jen.
Peace
This was on Cindy Barnett's wall on Facebook:
"Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go."
"Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go."
So You
This was on "Lessons Learned in Life" and I posted it on Facebook with a reference to you, but I wanted to save it here:
"Be with someone who makes you laugh when you don't even want to smile."
I said "This is what Hayden Smith ALWAYS did for me. Thank you sweet boy!"
"Be with someone who makes you laugh when you don't even want to smile."
I said "This is what Hayden Smith ALWAYS did for me. Thank you sweet boy!"
Scribbles and Crumbs/#OnComingAlive
This was on Faithit, but I have heard of this website before, "Scribbles and Crumbs", so I wanted to record that name. This was featured because of a project on the website called #OnComingAlive. Here is something that a dad, Chris Jones (c'mon, is that his real name? Just kidding!) wrote who lost his child:
"At least for me, I have begun to see a relationship between grief and gratitude. At first glance, they would seem polar opposites...as different from each other as oil and water, fire and ice, love and hate. Yet the more I come to experience grief and gratitude the more I begin to see they play an important symbiotic role.
Grief tells our hearts things like, 'How can I possibly find joy again when so much was lost?' Gratitude responds softly, 'Yes, it hurts, but what a blessing it was, even if only a short time.'
Grief screams. It commands and demands. Gratitude whispers. It is soft and subtle.
Grief sees only what was lost, while gratitude sees what was gained."
"At least for me, I have begun to see a relationship between grief and gratitude. At first glance, they would seem polar opposites...as different from each other as oil and water, fire and ice, love and hate. Yet the more I come to experience grief and gratitude the more I begin to see they play an important symbiotic role.
Grief tells our hearts things like, 'How can I possibly find joy again when so much was lost?' Gratitude responds softly, 'Yes, it hurts, but what a blessing it was, even if only a short time.'
Grief screams. It commands and demands. Gratitude whispers. It is soft and subtle.
Grief sees only what was lost, while gratitude sees what was gained."
From Where You Are
This song has meant a lot to me since you died, and one time I posted it on Facebook. It just came on Pandora so here it is:
From Where You are by Lifehouse
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
So far way from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
From Where You are by Lifehouse
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
So far way from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
Your Obituary
I thought I had recorded this, but I guess not. I was thinking about the "typo" in the beginning which I will address later. Here is your obituary that I had to write:
Hayden M. Smith
October 18, 1997-August 21, 2015
(Some stuff the funeral home added, like "His..."-anyway)
His Legacy...Hayden Milton Smith went to be with the His Lord and Savior on Friday, August 21, 2015 from injuries sustained in an auto accident. Hayden was an amazing son, brother, grandson, cousin, teammate, coach and friend, and is already terribly missed.
Hayden was known by and loved for his kind and generous spirit, genuine care and concern for others and the ever-present smile on his face. He was gifted creatively in countless ways from music as a clarinet player in the Saline High School Wind Ensemble, the arts which he expressed in and through his passion for filmmaking, to his incredible sense of humor which put a smile on everyone's face constantly. Hayden was extremely athletically gifted as well. As a member of the Saline Men's Water Polo team for three years, Hayden lead the team as co-captain his senior year, scoring an impressive 99 goals and being awarded both MVP awards for the season. Hayden's generous spirit shone through in high school as a member of Interact Club for four years and culminated in a trip to Haiti last year with his Senior Capstone Experience class to work with Poured Out to install water filters for families in need of clean water. As a registered organ donor, Hayden was able to help others after his accident through Gift of Life.
His Family...Hayden leaves behind his parents, William and Andrea Smith, his sister Hope and brother Carter, grandparents Elsie Smith, Kathy Kind and Alan and Lisa Hartman, many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends as well as his church family at Fellowship Bible Church in Ann Arbor, water polo family, Haiti family and Saline High School family. He was preceded in death by his paternal grandfather, William Smith, Sr.
His Farewell...Family and friends will gather on Friday, August 28, 2015 from 3-7 pm at First United Methodist Church, 1200 N. Ann Arbor St., Saline, MI, 48176, followed on Saturday, August 29, 2015 by a celebration of Hayden's life at 11:00 am with visitation prior to the service starting at 9:30 am. In lieu of flowers, a GoFundMe account has been set up for the Smith family to help with medical and funeral expenses. Please leave a message of comfort to the Smith family by calling 877.231.7900 or sign the guestbook at borekjennings.com #haydenstrongforever
I noticed later the part in the beginning that says "went to be with the His Lord and Savior". I wrote it that way so it was my mistake, but someone was supposed to proofread it from the funeral home. It should have said "went to be with his Lord and Savior."
With the "H" capitalized though, it made me realize that God looks at us through Jesus so "His" is ok. The "the" still doesn't make sense, but oh, well. I guess that's it. Love you!
Hayden M. Smith
October 18, 1997-August 21, 2015
(Some stuff the funeral home added, like "His..."-anyway)
His Legacy...Hayden Milton Smith went to be with the His Lord and Savior on Friday, August 21, 2015 from injuries sustained in an auto accident. Hayden was an amazing son, brother, grandson, cousin, teammate, coach and friend, and is already terribly missed.
Hayden was known by and loved for his kind and generous spirit, genuine care and concern for others and the ever-present smile on his face. He was gifted creatively in countless ways from music as a clarinet player in the Saline High School Wind Ensemble, the arts which he expressed in and through his passion for filmmaking, to his incredible sense of humor which put a smile on everyone's face constantly. Hayden was extremely athletically gifted as well. As a member of the Saline Men's Water Polo team for three years, Hayden lead the team as co-captain his senior year, scoring an impressive 99 goals and being awarded both MVP awards for the season. Hayden's generous spirit shone through in high school as a member of Interact Club for four years and culminated in a trip to Haiti last year with his Senior Capstone Experience class to work with Poured Out to install water filters for families in need of clean water. As a registered organ donor, Hayden was able to help others after his accident through Gift of Life.
His Family...Hayden leaves behind his parents, William and Andrea Smith, his sister Hope and brother Carter, grandparents Elsie Smith, Kathy Kind and Alan and Lisa Hartman, many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends as well as his church family at Fellowship Bible Church in Ann Arbor, water polo family, Haiti family and Saline High School family. He was preceded in death by his paternal grandfather, William Smith, Sr.
His Farewell...Family and friends will gather on Friday, August 28, 2015 from 3-7 pm at First United Methodist Church, 1200 N. Ann Arbor St., Saline, MI, 48176, followed on Saturday, August 29, 2015 by a celebration of Hayden's life at 11:00 am with visitation prior to the service starting at 9:30 am. In lieu of flowers, a GoFundMe account has been set up for the Smith family to help with medical and funeral expenses. Please leave a message of comfort to the Smith family by calling 877.231.7900 or sign the guestbook at borekjennings.com #haydenstrongforever
I noticed later the part in the beginning that says "went to be with the His Lord and Savior". I wrote it that way so it was my mistake, but someone was supposed to proofread it from the funeral home. It should have said "went to be with his Lord and Savior."
With the "H" capitalized though, it made me realize that God looks at us through Jesus so "His" is ok. The "the" still doesn't make sense, but oh, well. I guess that's it. Love you!
Thursday, February 25, 2016
"Free Fall" notes by JoAnn Kelly Smith
Yet another book from the Ele's Place library cart. It's a little different because it's written by a woman dying of cancer but still had some interesting perspectives.
"The rain falls on the just and the unjust. We do not expect God's special intervention for us."
"Out of the Second World War comes the story of a father and his daughter seeking refuge from the bombs that showered London. He found a deep crater, which he thought would offer safety and took shelter there. He called to his daughter, telling her to jump. She was afraid of the darkness below and said, "But I can't see you." And he replied, "It's all right--I can see you." So she jumped and was caught in his waiting arms. We can't see God waiting for us. But He can see us. That's the leap of faith."
This was a sad thought to me:
"When I die, my husband loses his wife, his lover, his confidante. My children lose their mother. Each friend loses me as a friend. But I lose all human relationships. That's the meaning of the free fall. That's the meaning of being alone."
Comparing a long illness to a sudden death: "But the difference is that the victim of sudden death does not have to think about it every day for months on end. He has been spared the long-term consciousness and anxiety of a prolonged death."
"And I believe prolonged illness is far more destructive to the person dying and for those around them than sudden death."
On suicide: "For me, suicide is a sin--one I'm sure God forgives in similar situations--but somehow I don't want my life to end on that note. It would deny the strength of my faith. It would hurt my family. But most of all, I still have that overwhelming fear of death. And suicide is death. I would be just as dead as I will be when the normal course of my disease is completed. I don't want to die then, I don't want to die now."
"I hope my legacy will be in my relationships."
On a banner that the lady in this story wanted displayed at her funeral: "Here Comes the Sun."
"We die the way we live."
"The rain falls on the just and the unjust. We do not expect God's special intervention for us."
"Out of the Second World War comes the story of a father and his daughter seeking refuge from the bombs that showered London. He found a deep crater, which he thought would offer safety and took shelter there. He called to his daughter, telling her to jump. She was afraid of the darkness below and said, "But I can't see you." And he replied, "It's all right--I can see you." So she jumped and was caught in his waiting arms. We can't see God waiting for us. But He can see us. That's the leap of faith."
This was a sad thought to me:
"When I die, my husband loses his wife, his lover, his confidante. My children lose their mother. Each friend loses me as a friend. But I lose all human relationships. That's the meaning of the free fall. That's the meaning of being alone."
Comparing a long illness to a sudden death: "But the difference is that the victim of sudden death does not have to think about it every day for months on end. He has been spared the long-term consciousness and anxiety of a prolonged death."
"And I believe prolonged illness is far more destructive to the person dying and for those around them than sudden death."
On suicide: "For me, suicide is a sin--one I'm sure God forgives in similar situations--but somehow I don't want my life to end on that note. It would deny the strength of my faith. It would hurt my family. But most of all, I still have that overwhelming fear of death. And suicide is death. I would be just as dead as I will be when the normal course of my disease is completed. I don't want to die then, I don't want to die now."
"I hope my legacy will be in my relationships."
On a banner that the lady in this story wanted displayed at her funeral: "Here Comes the Sun."
"We die the way we live."
Cross-over/Off-set crash information
I find myself now and again looking up information about the type of crash you were in. It's often referred to as a head-on collision, even though it isn't. It's also called an off-set crash which the tow yard called it and I wrote about it on the post titled "Your Car."
I was looking it up again to see what are common reasons for people crossing the center line. Here are some: sudden onset of a medical condition, response to another unavoidable condition, distracted, impaired, asleep. I will probably add to this.
Here is some information from an article I found online, "Dissecting The Off-Set Crash, One of the Most Deadly Accidents on the Road":
To understand why an offset crash is so deadly, we must understand its two major effects. The first has to do with the crumple zone, the largest of which is the front of the car, where the majority of cars house the engine. The crumple zone is designed to proportionately deform upon impact to absorb the energy from a crash, thereby reducing the degree of injury to passengers and the likelihood of death from injury. Generally, the longer the front of the car, the slower the car decelerates in a frontal accident; the longer this slow-down period, the better for passengers and drivers. As part of the crumple zone, the frame rails that extend along each side of the engine help to decrease the rate of deceleration upon impact. In a normal frontal crash, if the rate of speed is high enough, the impact can have deleterious effects on the actual cabin of the car, pushing the front components of the vehicle inward. But when only a small percentage of the front of the car hits the stationary object or another car--the off-set crash--the impact can miss the frame rails and reduce the effectiveness of the crumple zone left to absorb the impact, and deceleration time decreases in milliseconds, which can be the arbiter of life and death.
The second deadly effect of the offset crash involves rotation. The way the car "clips" an immobile object or another car causes almost instantaneous rotation after contact, moving occupants rapidly to the side as well as forward. In crashes where rotation comes into play, occupants miss or glance off the front airbags and hit the center console, the pillars, the doors, or the windows. Even if immediate death or external injuries don't occur, accident victims sometimes die after departing the accident due to internal injuries from hitting portions of the cabin. And it's not just about cranial contact, either. Having your body get slammed against a hard surface can easily cause internal bleeding that leads to death, if not immediately at the point of impact, then oftentimes hours later; these deaths are particularly acute in cases of off-set crashes.
I was looking it up again to see what are common reasons for people crossing the center line. Here are some: sudden onset of a medical condition, response to another unavoidable condition, distracted, impaired, asleep. I will probably add to this.
Here is some information from an article I found online, "Dissecting The Off-Set Crash, One of the Most Deadly Accidents on the Road":
To understand why an offset crash is so deadly, we must understand its two major effects. The first has to do with the crumple zone, the largest of which is the front of the car, where the majority of cars house the engine. The crumple zone is designed to proportionately deform upon impact to absorb the energy from a crash, thereby reducing the degree of injury to passengers and the likelihood of death from injury. Generally, the longer the front of the car, the slower the car decelerates in a frontal accident; the longer this slow-down period, the better for passengers and drivers. As part of the crumple zone, the frame rails that extend along each side of the engine help to decrease the rate of deceleration upon impact. In a normal frontal crash, if the rate of speed is high enough, the impact can have deleterious effects on the actual cabin of the car, pushing the front components of the vehicle inward. But when only a small percentage of the front of the car hits the stationary object or another car--the off-set crash--the impact can miss the frame rails and reduce the effectiveness of the crumple zone left to absorb the impact, and deceleration time decreases in milliseconds, which can be the arbiter of life and death.
The second deadly effect of the offset crash involves rotation. The way the car "clips" an immobile object or another car causes almost instantaneous rotation after contact, moving occupants rapidly to the side as well as forward. In crashes where rotation comes into play, occupants miss or glance off the front airbags and hit the center console, the pillars, the doors, or the windows. Even if immediate death or external injuries don't occur, accident victims sometimes die after departing the accident due to internal injuries from hitting portions of the cabin. And it's not just about cranial contact, either. Having your body get slammed against a hard surface can easily cause internal bleeding that leads to death, if not immediately at the point of impact, then oftentimes hours later; these deaths are particularly acute in cases of off-set crashes.
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
This song comes on Pandora a lot and I actually forgot that it had lyrics-I thought it was instrumental. I decided to look up the lyrics to include on the blog and the song came on right after I printed it. Thank you!
This is by a group named Hillsong United
You call me out upon the water
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Where You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Oh, Jesus, you're my God!
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
This is by a group named Hillsong United
You call me out upon the water
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Where You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Oh, Jesus, you're my God!
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Substance abuse
I remember when we heard that you had tried marijuana when Dad found some texts from Ethan on your phone. That was sophomore year when you were diving. I'm pretty sure that you stayed away from it once water polo season started and the next year when you were captain. I remember being sad when you were done with water polo and Ethan was over. I was afraid there was nothing to stop you from smoking it or do whatever you did with it. I think I expressed that to you but you brushed it off.
Since I found out that you had tried it, I noticed and saved articles about things that happened to people tied to marijuana. One was that lady who went the wrong way on the highway (I think in Illinois) and killed herself and a carful of children and two others in another car. She was really drunk but she also had marijuana in her system. I think that the two guys who placed the bomb at the Boston Marathon had some ties to marijuana as well and one of them ended up in a murder situation.
I remember you would get mad when I would bring it up. One time you were acting really goofy and I said, "Are you high?" You got mad at me when I said that. We would use that as a joke since then, although you still got mad about it when I said it. We discussed it before and I asked why you liked it and you said because it made you feel good. But I'm pretty sure you still denied using it.
I am thinking about this now because I saw an article about a young man who was facing charges for a car accident that killed his girlfriend because THC was found in his system, which is marijuana-related somehow. This made me think of the traces of cannibus (I can never spell that right) that was found in your system after the crash. The police said it wasn't enough to blame the crash on it, but they also know that a good sample wasn't obtained, whether blood or urine or what.
Dad was freaking out about this before the police report came out because he knew it could stay in your system for up to a week after using it.
These are facts-you used it, I don't know how often. It can be to blame for a car crash. Now what do I believe about it and you?
I honestly don't think that you could have been all you were and done all you did under the influence of some stupid drug. I've been called naïve before, but I know that I was dealing with the real, wonderful, amazing you on a daily basis and had no reason to suspect otherwise.
I think it would be hard to find a kid your age who doesn't have traces of alcohol or cannabis in their system. You kept up your demanding schedule with a big smile on your face. You accomplished so much in your short time on this earth. You were driven and ambitious. Some people probably want something to blame, like a substance. It could have been SO many things. Even if was simply drifting off at the wheel, although I think it was more than that because of the fact of the other vehicle having to move over and you still continuing in that lane. Something was wrong. Wrong. (I still love that italics font). Whatever happened to you in that car could have happened anywhere else-it just happened to happen while you were driving. We will never know that until we get to heaven. And God will be pleased to tell us. Even though He doesn't have to. And it will all make sense. Then.
There was a reason why a proper blood sample wasn't taken. To protect your reputation and testimony perhaps? I believe it wouldn't have mattered. You were fine when you left. Perfectly happy and healthy and alert. Ready to jump in the pool with those kids and teach them water polo. Bless you, dear boy. I believe in you, boy. Always.
I came across the article that prompted me to address this issue. It happened in Grand Rapids on August 19th. Here are some excerpts from the article:
Family asked for leniency when sentencing man charged with causing the crash that claimed the young woman's life
The collision killed the love of 23-year-old Brian Welch's life
"Police said Welch, Garza's boyfriend, was found to have THC-the active ingredient in marijuana-in his system when his car veered off the road and struck a tree in Lowell. Garza, who was riding in the front seat, died in the collision."
He got five years probation for operating under the influence causing death, a charge that carries a maximum punishment of up to 15 years in prison
"The exact amount of THC in Welch's system the morning of Aug. 19 crash on Vergennes Street SE was not disclosed during sentencing. His attorney, Terese Paletta, said the level was 'extremely low.'"
"Under Michigan law, driving with any amount of THC in the blood constitutes impaired driving."
"Family said the couple was heading home to Lowell from Anna Garza's residence in Belding, where'd they spent the previous night watching movies. Welch's Ford Taurus was discovered on the side of the road near Alden Nash Avenue about 7 a.m. Kristina Garza's relatives believe he may have fallen asleep."
"Anna Garza said Welch was not high the morning of or the day before the crash, which he spent with her family."
"'We will probably never know what caused the accident, but I know in my heart that even if Brian never smoked marijuana, my sister would still not be here today,' Anna Garza said."
"While Kristina Garza's relatives understand the necessity of enforcing the law, Anna Garza said she and her family don't understand the reasoning to 'force the connection' of marijuana to the crash."
"'The cause of this accident should not be linked to marijuana, so disconnected to the period in which the accident occurred,' she said."
Since I found out that you had tried it, I noticed and saved articles about things that happened to people tied to marijuana. One was that lady who went the wrong way on the highway (I think in Illinois) and killed herself and a carful of children and two others in another car. She was really drunk but she also had marijuana in her system. I think that the two guys who placed the bomb at the Boston Marathon had some ties to marijuana as well and one of them ended up in a murder situation.
I remember you would get mad when I would bring it up. One time you were acting really goofy and I said, "Are you high?" You got mad at me when I said that. We would use that as a joke since then, although you still got mad about it when I said it. We discussed it before and I asked why you liked it and you said because it made you feel good. But I'm pretty sure you still denied using it.
I am thinking about this now because I saw an article about a young man who was facing charges for a car accident that killed his girlfriend because THC was found in his system, which is marijuana-related somehow. This made me think of the traces of cannibus (I can never spell that right) that was found in your system after the crash. The police said it wasn't enough to blame the crash on it, but they also know that a good sample wasn't obtained, whether blood or urine or what.
Dad was freaking out about this before the police report came out because he knew it could stay in your system for up to a week after using it.
These are facts-you used it, I don't know how often. It can be to blame for a car crash. Now what do I believe about it and you?
I honestly don't think that you could have been all you were and done all you did under the influence of some stupid drug. I've been called naïve before, but I know that I was dealing with the real, wonderful, amazing you on a daily basis and had no reason to suspect otherwise.
I think it would be hard to find a kid your age who doesn't have traces of alcohol or cannabis in their system. You kept up your demanding schedule with a big smile on your face. You accomplished so much in your short time on this earth. You were driven and ambitious. Some people probably want something to blame, like a substance. It could have been SO many things. Even if was simply drifting off at the wheel, although I think it was more than that because of the fact of the other vehicle having to move over and you still continuing in that lane. Something was wrong. Wrong. (I still love that italics font). Whatever happened to you in that car could have happened anywhere else-it just happened to happen while you were driving. We will never know that until we get to heaven. And God will be pleased to tell us. Even though He doesn't have to. And it will all make sense. Then.
There was a reason why a proper blood sample wasn't taken. To protect your reputation and testimony perhaps? I believe it wouldn't have mattered. You were fine when you left. Perfectly happy and healthy and alert. Ready to jump in the pool with those kids and teach them water polo. Bless you, dear boy. I believe in you, boy. Always.
I came across the article that prompted me to address this issue. It happened in Grand Rapids on August 19th. Here are some excerpts from the article:
Family asked for leniency when sentencing man charged with causing the crash that claimed the young woman's life
The collision killed the love of 23-year-old Brian Welch's life
"Police said Welch, Garza's boyfriend, was found to have THC-the active ingredient in marijuana-in his system when his car veered off the road and struck a tree in Lowell. Garza, who was riding in the front seat, died in the collision."
He got five years probation for operating under the influence causing death, a charge that carries a maximum punishment of up to 15 years in prison
"The exact amount of THC in Welch's system the morning of Aug. 19 crash on Vergennes Street SE was not disclosed during sentencing. His attorney, Terese Paletta, said the level was 'extremely low.'"
"Under Michigan law, driving with any amount of THC in the blood constitutes impaired driving."
"Family said the couple was heading home to Lowell from Anna Garza's residence in Belding, where'd they spent the previous night watching movies. Welch's Ford Taurus was discovered on the side of the road near Alden Nash Avenue about 7 a.m. Kristina Garza's relatives believe he may have fallen asleep."
"Anna Garza said Welch was not high the morning of or the day before the crash, which he spent with her family."
"'We will probably never know what caused the accident, but I know in my heart that even if Brian never smoked marijuana, my sister would still not be here today,' Anna Garza said."
"While Kristina Garza's relatives understand the necessity of enforcing the law, Anna Garza said she and her family don't understand the reasoning to 'force the connection' of marijuana to the crash."
"'The cause of this accident should not be linked to marijuana, so disconnected to the period in which the accident occurred,' she said."
God bless the mother
Just another depressing poem from the "I Am a Mother to an Angel" website.
God bless the mother who has lost
A part of herself now
Her child is gone, and yet she knows
She must go on somehow
She'll never be who she was once
Before her child was taken,
And some days she can't help but feel
Her heart has been forsaken
They say You give the hardest tasks
To those You know are strong
But her task is so painful Lord
...it's one that lasts lifelong
Please help her rise each time she falls,
Give courage for her fears,
Have angels hover ever near
To dry her endless tears
Keep her close within Your arms
Each moment they're apart
Please give her comfort while she grieves...
God, soothe her aching heart
God bless the mother who has lost
A part of herself now
Her child is gone, and yet she knows
She must go on somehow
She'll never be who she was once
Before her child was taken,
And some days she can't help but feel
Her heart has been forsaken
They say You give the hardest tasks
To those You know are strong
But her task is so painful Lord
...it's one that lasts lifelong
Please help her rise each time she falls,
Give courage for her fears,
Have angels hover ever near
To dry her endless tears
Keep her close within Your arms
Each moment they're apart
Please give her comfort while she grieves...
God, soothe her aching heart
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Foreshadowing by the scary driver test guy
I remember when you were taking your driving test that at one point you were close to the center line. The guy in the car with us pointed that out to you and said that if you hit someone while going 45 mph and they were going 45 mph, that's 90 mph of force in a crash.
I also remember he got on you for "speeding" on the test. You were a few miles over the speed limit and he said, "There's no speeding allowed during the test." I thought for sure you weren't going to pass.
I also remember he told you to turn your whole head when you were looking to change lanes or turn because he couldn't see if you were just checking with your eyes. You didn't do that either and I thought for sure you weren't going to pass.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he tore off your certificate. You did it! Yes!
I also remember he got on you for "speeding" on the test. You were a few miles over the speed limit and he said, "There's no speeding allowed during the test." I thought for sure you weren't going to pass.
I also remember he told you to turn your whole head when you were looking to change lanes or turn because he couldn't see if you were just checking with your eyes. You didn't do that either and I thought for sure you weren't going to pass.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he tore off your certificate. You did it! Yes!
Made me think of you (what doesn't?)
This was on the Facebook page, "Lessons Learned in Life" and this was you to me:
Be with someone who makes you laugh when you don't even want to smile.
You always did this! Thank you!
Be with someone who makes you laugh when you don't even want to smile.
You always did this! Thank you!
Monty Williams
I saw a video of this man speaking at his wife's funeral. She died in a car accident last week when the other driver crossed the center line and hit her vehicle. She was the mother of five. His words were so encouraging. I am going to try to listen to the video and write down his words.
Thankfully there was a transcript that I finally figured out how to print. Here are some highlights of the eulogy:
(Thunder assistant coach Monty Williams delivered a moving speech at his wife's funeral service Thursday afternoon.)
Psalm 73:1 says "God is good."
And 1 John 4:16 says, "God is love."
During times like this, it's easy to forget that because what we've gone through is pretty tough and it's hard and we want an answer. We don't always get that answer when we want it, but we can't lose sight of the fact that God loves us and that's what my wife and that's what I, however badly, exhibit on a daily basis. But God does love us.
He loved me so much that he sent His Son to die for my sins, and I for one know I'm not the man that you guys see every day. And only God could cover that.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
All of this will work out. As hard as this is for me and my family and for you, this will work out. I know this because I've seen this in my life.
I don't care what you're going through. This is hard for my family, but this will work out. And my wife would punch me if I were to sit up here and whine about what's going on. That doesn't take away the pain. But it will work out because God causes all things to work out. You just can't quit. You can't give in.
See, the Bible says Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. And America teaches us to just numb that and it's not true. But it is true. All you gotta do is look around you. Get outside of these walls and you know it's true.
This will work out.
Doesn't mean it's not hard. Doesn't mean it's not painful. Doesn't mean we don't have tough times and we're going to have tough times. Everybody's praying for me and my family, which is right. But let us not forget that there were two people in this situation. And that family needs prayer as well.
God will work this out. My wife is in heaven. God loves us. God is love. And when we walk away from this place today, let's celebrate because my wife is where we all need to be. And I'm envious of that.
But I've got five crumb-snatchers that I need to deal with.
I love you guys for taking time out of your day to celebrate my wife.
We didn't lose her. When you lose something, you can't find it. I know exactly where my wife is.
Let's not lose sight of what's important. God is important. What Christ did on the cross is important.
While I was writing this, the song "Sky Full of Stars" came on Pandora. Thank you for that! I was just thinking of that song because of it reminds me of you. Thank you Lord and thank you Hayden for getting me through this. For being there EVERY DAY!
This verse was on Facebook today for the Daily Bible Verse: John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (NIV)
Thankfully there was a transcript that I finally figured out how to print. Here are some highlights of the eulogy:
(Thunder assistant coach Monty Williams delivered a moving speech at his wife's funeral service Thursday afternoon.)
Psalm 73:1 says "God is good."
And 1 John 4:16 says, "God is love."
During times like this, it's easy to forget that because what we've gone through is pretty tough and it's hard and we want an answer. We don't always get that answer when we want it, but we can't lose sight of the fact that God loves us and that's what my wife and that's what I, however badly, exhibit on a daily basis. But God does love us.
He loved me so much that he sent His Son to die for my sins, and I for one know I'm not the man that you guys see every day. And only God could cover that.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
All of this will work out. As hard as this is for me and my family and for you, this will work out. I know this because I've seen this in my life.
I don't care what you're going through. This is hard for my family, but this will work out. And my wife would punch me if I were to sit up here and whine about what's going on. That doesn't take away the pain. But it will work out because God causes all things to work out. You just can't quit. You can't give in.
See, the Bible says Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. And America teaches us to just numb that and it's not true. But it is true. All you gotta do is look around you. Get outside of these walls and you know it's true.
This will work out.
Doesn't mean it's not hard. Doesn't mean it's not painful. Doesn't mean we don't have tough times and we're going to have tough times. Everybody's praying for me and my family, which is right. But let us not forget that there were two people in this situation. And that family needs prayer as well.
God will work this out. My wife is in heaven. God loves us. God is love. And when we walk away from this place today, let's celebrate because my wife is where we all need to be. And I'm envious of that.
But I've got five crumb-snatchers that I need to deal with.
I love you guys for taking time out of your day to celebrate my wife.
We didn't lose her. When you lose something, you can't find it. I know exactly where my wife is.
Let's not lose sight of what's important. God is important. What Christ did on the cross is important.
While I was writing this, the song "Sky Full of Stars" came on Pandora. Thank you for that! I was just thinking of that song because of it reminds me of you. Thank you Lord and thank you Hayden for getting me through this. For being there EVERY DAY!
This verse was on Facebook today for the Daily Bible Verse: John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (NIV)
Jesus Loves Me
This song was played at your service by Dan Reeves on your clarinet. Ironically enough, there was something wrong with his clarinet, so he borrowed yours to play. Even though it's a basic song, the way he played it was haunting. It was wonderful.
Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, "Let them come to Me."
Jesus loves me still today.
Walking with me on my way.
Wanting as a friend to give.
Light and love to all who live.
Jesus loves me! He who dies
Heaven's gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.
(I never hear the second and third verse but thought I would include them. Love you boy!)
Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, "Let them come to Me."
Jesus loves me still today.
Walking with me on my way.
Wanting as a friend to give.
Light and love to all who live.
Jesus loves me! He who dies
Heaven's gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.
(I never hear the second and third verse but thought I would include them. Love you boy!)
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Amazing Grace
We sang this hymn at your service-the whole group did. Carter originally wanted to sing it as a solo, but Pastor thought it would be better if everyone sang it together. Always a classic.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
When we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we'd first begun.
I Can Only Imagine
Thanks for reminding me boy that this was also played at your service. (I wanted to make sure I recorded the lyrics of the songs that were played at your service) (I hate the word funeral!)
Steve Worrell played his guitar and sang this at your service. It was so good. I liked this song when it first came out but then I felt it was overplayed. It's still good though.
I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
Yeah
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
(Chorus)
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
Steve Worrell played his guitar and sang this at your service. It was so good. I liked this song when it first came out but then I felt it was overplayed. It's still good though.
I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
Yeah
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
(Chorus)
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
This Is My Father's World
Ben Pummell played this on his bassoon at your funeral.
This is my Father's world,
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres
This is my Father's world:
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.
This is my Father's world,
the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white,
declare their maker's praise.
This is my Father's world:
he shines in all that's fair;
In the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
This is my Father's world,
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres
This is my Father's world:
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.
This is my Father's world,
the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white,
declare their maker's praise.
This is my Father's world:
he shines in all that's fair;
In the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
For the Beauty of the Earth
This was sung at your service by Naomi Postiff and Anna Widgeon. There is a version of it in the hymnal and a different version that they sang (which I love). Same words though.
For the beauty of the earth,
for the glories of the skies,
for the love which from our birth
over and around us lies;
(repeated: over and around us lies)
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise
For the beauty of each hour
of the day and of the night.
hill and vale, and tree and flower,
sun and moon, and stars of light;
(repeated: sun and moon, and stars of light)
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise.
For the joy of human love,
brother, sister, parent, child,
friends on earth and friends above,
for all gentle thoughts and mild;
(repeated: for all gentle thoughts and mild)
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise.
For thy church, that evermore
lifteth holy hands above,
offering up on every shore
her pure sacrifice of love;
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise
For thyself, best Gift Divine,
to the world so freely given,
for that great, great love of thine,
peace on earth and joy in heaven:
Lord of all to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise.
(I will have to check the version that was sung from the audio of your service. Some of these last verses don't sound familiar. It was so beautiful though!)
For the beauty of the earth,
for the glories of the skies,
for the love which from our birth
over and around us lies;
(repeated: over and around us lies)
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise
For the beauty of each hour
of the day and of the night.
hill and vale, and tree and flower,
sun and moon, and stars of light;
(repeated: sun and moon, and stars of light)
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise.
For the joy of human love,
brother, sister, parent, child,
friends on earth and friends above,
for all gentle thoughts and mild;
(repeated: for all gentle thoughts and mild)
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise.
For thy church, that evermore
lifteth holy hands above,
offering up on every shore
her pure sacrifice of love;
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise
For thyself, best Gift Divine,
to the world so freely given,
for that great, great love of thine,
peace on earth and joy in heaven:
Lord of all to thee we raise
this our grateful hymn of praise.
(I will have to check the version that was sung from the audio of your service. Some of these last verses don't sound familiar. It was so beautiful though!)
To Where You Are
I have always loved this song by Josh Groban and it fit perfectly with the Canadian Tenors song "Forever Young" as one of the background songs to your video tribute at your service
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly my up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly my up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Forever Young
I have always loved this song since I heard it sung by the Canadian Tenors. This was used as one of the background songs for your video tribute at your service.
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
Climb on every rung
And may you stay forever young
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
Your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young
And may you stay
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
And may you stay forever young
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
Climb on every rung
And may you stay forever young
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
Your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young
And may you stay
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
And may you stay forever young
Monday, February 22, 2016
"A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis
I was so excited to see this on the library book cart at Ele's Place! I have heard a lot about it and wanted to read it. I actually had to read through it twice because of the old language it used and the odd style, but it was so good. I have so many C.S. Lewis quotes that I have written down all over the place.
At first, I was thrown off, because the book started off as, what I felt, was disrespectful to God. But it was just his journey. It all turns out in the end. That's what I am counting on too!
"I want her back as a restoration of my past."
"And suddenly at that very moment when, so far, I mourned H. least, I remembered her best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow had removed a barrier.
Why has no one told me these things? How easily I might have misjudged another man in the same situation? I might have said, "He's got over it. He's forgotten his wife," when the truth was, "He remembers her better because he has partly got over it."
Such was the fact. And I believe I can make sense out of it. You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately: anyway, you can't get the best out of it. (Some examples)
"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay my bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontier-post across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac."
"'It was too perfect to last," so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic--as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it ("None of that here!). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party that separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean "This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged." As if God said, "Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next." When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoy doing them you will not be set them much longer. The teacher moves you on."
"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. "
"For, as I have discovered, passionate grief does not link us with the dead but cuts us off from them. This becomes clearer and clearer. It is just at those moments when I feel least sorrow--getting into my morning bath is usually one of them--that H. rushed upon my mind her full reality, her otherness. Not, as in my worst moments, all foreshortened and patheticized and solemnized by my miseries, but as she is in her own right. This is good and tonic."
"I seem to remember--though I couldn't quote one at the moment--all sorts of ballads and folk-tales in which the dead tell us that our mourning does them some kind of wrong. They beg us to stop it. There may be far more depth in this than I thought. If so, our grandfather's generation went very far astray. All that (sometimes lifelong) rituals of sorrow--visiting graves, keeping anniversaries, leaving the empty bedroom exactly as "the departed" used to keep it, mentioning the dead either not at all or always in a special voice, or even (like Queen Victoria) having the dead man's clothes put out for dinner every evening--this was like mummification. It made the dead far more dead."
"The less I mourn her the nearer I seem to her."
I found some more notes that I had from reading this book:
"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."
"You never know how much you believe anything unless its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you."
"I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get."
"The exact same thing is never taken away and given back."
"If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't."
"If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe the she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."
At first, I was thrown off, because the book started off as, what I felt, was disrespectful to God. But it was just his journey. It all turns out in the end. That's what I am counting on too!
"I want her back as a restoration of my past."
"And suddenly at that very moment when, so far, I mourned H. least, I remembered her best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow had removed a barrier.
Why has no one told me these things? How easily I might have misjudged another man in the same situation? I might have said, "He's got over it. He's forgotten his wife," when the truth was, "He remembers her better because he has partly got over it."
Such was the fact. And I believe I can make sense out of it. You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately: anyway, you can't get the best out of it. (Some examples)
"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay my bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontier-post across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac."
"'It was too perfect to last," so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic--as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it ("None of that here!). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party that separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean "This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged." As if God said, "Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next." When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoy doing them you will not be set them much longer. The teacher moves you on."
"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. "
"For, as I have discovered, passionate grief does not link us with the dead but cuts us off from them. This becomes clearer and clearer. It is just at those moments when I feel least sorrow--getting into my morning bath is usually one of them--that H. rushed upon my mind her full reality, her otherness. Not, as in my worst moments, all foreshortened and patheticized and solemnized by my miseries, but as she is in her own right. This is good and tonic."
"I seem to remember--though I couldn't quote one at the moment--all sorts of ballads and folk-tales in which the dead tell us that our mourning does them some kind of wrong. They beg us to stop it. There may be far more depth in this than I thought. If so, our grandfather's generation went very far astray. All that (sometimes lifelong) rituals of sorrow--visiting graves, keeping anniversaries, leaving the empty bedroom exactly as "the departed" used to keep it, mentioning the dead either not at all or always in a special voice, or even (like Queen Victoria) having the dead man's clothes put out for dinner every evening--this was like mummification. It made the dead far more dead."
"The less I mourn her the nearer I seem to her."
I found some more notes that I had from reading this book:
"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."
"You never know how much you believe anything unless its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you."
"I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get."
"The exact same thing is never taken away and given back."
"If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't."
"If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe the she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."
More notes from "Heaven" by Joni Eareckson Tada
This book was so good! I probably should have had a post all its own, but I included some notes in another post, which maybe I will move over here. It's a lot though, so we will see.
"Suffering hurries the heart homeward."
Amy Carmichael- "We will have all of eternity to celebrate the victories, and only a few hours before sunset in which to win them."
Section heading, "Between Death and the Resurrection":
"Until the harvest, Billie and Tante Corrie (saints who have died) are not diminished while they are presently in heaven. They gained immeasurably the instant they crossed from the land of the dying to the land of the living. Second Corinthians 5:8 explains that "to be away from the body (is to be) at home with the Lord." Billie and Tante Corrie are not present with the Lord in some soul-sleep right now; they are "at home" with Him in the best sense of the word. They are alive, awake, aware, and full of the joy of having come home. Home where they fit, feel warm and welcomed, a place where they belong. Who can begin to measure the fullness of the meaning of that word "home!"
There's another way that departed saints are not diminished and the clue is given in Luke 16: 19-31. Jesus relays not a parable but an amazing real-life occurrence after the death of a beggar named Lazarus and a rich man. The rich man was very conscious of his hellish surroundings as well as the condition of his brothers who still remained on earth, and he wanted desperately to warn his family. He felt, saw, prayed, remembered, and desired. My point? If lost souls can feel and care, how much more can those who have died in the faith!
Tante Corrie and Billie presently reside with the Lord of Glory, the Lord of love. How deeply they must feel and pray and see. How fervent must be their love. Could it be that our loved ones in glory are able to love us now? Pray for us now? Love does not die; it cannot because it cannot fail. Love is a part of a departed saint's being, not his body, but his person. I'm convinced that Billie now loves her husband Cliff with a purer, holier, and more intense love than ever known on earth. And even if she is able to observe the mistakes, blunders, and tears of her loved ones on earth, she has the benefit of an end-of-time view, she is able to see the bigger, better picture.
In heaven, we do not lose, for "to die is gain." We aren't less, we're more. When we die, we're not in some soul-sleep of a stupor, not purgatory, and we're certainly not unconscious. We are at home with the Lord. Home!
Section heading, "Then, the Resurrection and Rest":
"Then one day, the Resurrection. "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead" (Isaiah 26:19).
The veil over this unseen divine reality was pulled back for me one peculiar Sunday afternoon. My mother-in-law recently purchased a family grave plot at a cemetery called Forest Lawn. She would not sign the papers, however, until Ken and I looked at the lot and gave our approval. "Do I have to?" I whined at Ken. I could think of better things to do with our Sunday afternoon.
Playing the submissive wife, I trekked to Forest Lawn with Ken, looked at my gravesite located in a section called "Murmuring Pines," and listened to the realtor (that's what she was actually called) remind me that what with my head "here" and my feet "there", I would have a grand view of the valley and distant mountains. That's important, I told her. I also told her that I did not have plans to stay there very long.
While the realtor and my mother-in-law conferred over the papers, I looked around at the hundreds of tombstones. It suddenly struck me that I was sitting on the exact spot where my body will rise, should I die before Christ comes. Resting on that grassy hillside did more to ignite the reality of the Resurrection than hearing sermons or reading essays on the subject. One day actual beings will return to actual graves and reunite to rise.
And then, heaven,
Then, rest.
(There's more in this section, but I just wanted to record that part mainly).
As a side note to all of this, I remember my Grandma taking me to see a movie about Joni a long time ago. It's amazing that all of these years later, she has become a huge help to me.
"Suffering hurries the heart homeward."
Amy Carmichael- "We will have all of eternity to celebrate the victories, and only a few hours before sunset in which to win them."
Section heading, "Between Death and the Resurrection":
"Until the harvest, Billie and Tante Corrie (saints who have died) are not diminished while they are presently in heaven. They gained immeasurably the instant they crossed from the land of the dying to the land of the living. Second Corinthians 5:8 explains that "to be away from the body (is to be) at home with the Lord." Billie and Tante Corrie are not present with the Lord in some soul-sleep right now; they are "at home" with Him in the best sense of the word. They are alive, awake, aware, and full of the joy of having come home. Home where they fit, feel warm and welcomed, a place where they belong. Who can begin to measure the fullness of the meaning of that word "home!"
There's another way that departed saints are not diminished and the clue is given in Luke 16: 19-31. Jesus relays not a parable but an amazing real-life occurrence after the death of a beggar named Lazarus and a rich man. The rich man was very conscious of his hellish surroundings as well as the condition of his brothers who still remained on earth, and he wanted desperately to warn his family. He felt, saw, prayed, remembered, and desired. My point? If lost souls can feel and care, how much more can those who have died in the faith!
Tante Corrie and Billie presently reside with the Lord of Glory, the Lord of love. How deeply they must feel and pray and see. How fervent must be their love. Could it be that our loved ones in glory are able to love us now? Pray for us now? Love does not die; it cannot because it cannot fail. Love is a part of a departed saint's being, not his body, but his person. I'm convinced that Billie now loves her husband Cliff with a purer, holier, and more intense love than ever known on earth. And even if she is able to observe the mistakes, blunders, and tears of her loved ones on earth, she has the benefit of an end-of-time view, she is able to see the bigger, better picture.
In heaven, we do not lose, for "to die is gain." We aren't less, we're more. When we die, we're not in some soul-sleep of a stupor, not purgatory, and we're certainly not unconscious. We are at home with the Lord. Home!
Section heading, "Then, the Resurrection and Rest":
"Then one day, the Resurrection. "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead" (Isaiah 26:19).
The veil over this unseen divine reality was pulled back for me one peculiar Sunday afternoon. My mother-in-law recently purchased a family grave plot at a cemetery called Forest Lawn. She would not sign the papers, however, until Ken and I looked at the lot and gave our approval. "Do I have to?" I whined at Ken. I could think of better things to do with our Sunday afternoon.
Playing the submissive wife, I trekked to Forest Lawn with Ken, looked at my gravesite located in a section called "Murmuring Pines," and listened to the realtor (that's what she was actually called) remind me that what with my head "here" and my feet "there", I would have a grand view of the valley and distant mountains. That's important, I told her. I also told her that I did not have plans to stay there very long.
While the realtor and my mother-in-law conferred over the papers, I looked around at the hundreds of tombstones. It suddenly struck me that I was sitting on the exact spot where my body will rise, should I die before Christ comes. Resting on that grassy hillside did more to ignite the reality of the Resurrection than hearing sermons or reading essays on the subject. One day actual beings will return to actual graves and reunite to rise.
And then, heaven,
Then, rest.
(There's more in this section, but I just wanted to record that part mainly).
As a side note to all of this, I remember my Grandma taking me to see a movie about Joni a long time ago. It's amazing that all of these years later, she has become a huge help to me.
Friday, February 19, 2016
What Faith Can Do
This song comes on Pandora a lot and it's beautiful. It's by Kutless:
What Faith Can Do
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
Chorus:
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
(Chorus)
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
I'll tell you that you can
(Chorus)
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
What Faith Can Do
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
Chorus:
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
(Chorus)
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
I'll tell you that you can
(Chorus)
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
Taylor's Gift
I am reading a book called "Taylor's Gift" about a 13-year-old girl who was killed in a skiing accident and donated her organs. Her situation seemed similar to yours in that she was declared brain-dead. Here are some notes and thoughts so far from the book:
"You were hand-picked--chosen--for this burden." (another family who had lost a child told Taylor's parents this)
When Taylor's mom was contemplating suicide and told her Pastor about it:
Taylor's Mom: "The pain is too much, and I can't do this anymore."
Pastor: "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
TM: "I would much rather be with her than be here."
P: "What makes you think if you did that, you would see her?"
TM: I hadn't thought of that. I'd never thought about something like that before, because I've never, ever gone down that path. How does God feel about that? Would He turn me away?
Before I could respond, more texts came in from him. "What makes you think that if you did it, God would welcome you with open arms?" Then, "How selfish of you to leave Ryan and Peyton like this!" (her other kids)
Suddenly, the idea was more complicated that it had seemed a few minutes earlier. I thought about my response and was just getting ready to text him back when he sent me a real zinger. "Do you really think Taylor would be proud of you?"
His words took my breath away. I knew for a fact she wouldn't be happy with me. She would never be proud of me if I did that. (I love the italics font by the way).
It was my lowest moment ever. But through his texts, Father Alfonse helped me realize it was because I was focusing on myself--on my own pain. I'd never looked at it from Taylor's perspective. I hadn't considered her reaction at all. Neither had I thought about what it would do to Peyton and Ryan.
I certainly hadn't thought about what God would think.
I put the cap back on the bottle and set it on the nightstand. I knew then I could never do it. Ever. Father Alfonse was right. I was being selfish. We texted back and forth a few more times. He made me promise I wouldn't do anything.
"I promise I won't," I texted back. I meant it.
"This is all for Your glory!"
Story told to Taylor's mom: "A very long time ago, there lived some Buddhist monks. Their village had been decimated by war and enemies were attacking their culture. To protect themselves, they had to move their village. But part of their religious tradition included this huge Buddha made of mud that they loved and worshiped. They wanted to take it with them to the new village, but they were fearful because they knew if they moved the statue, it could crack and break. Yet they couldn't move on without their Buddha.
So the whole village assembled, and the plan was to carefully work together to move this clay Buddha. But when they started to move it, the Buddha started to crack as they feared. Soon, the cracks got bigger and chunks of Buddha mud fell to the ground. But underneath the mud was gold."
She placed both her hands on my shoulders and said, "You're going to have to crack before you can find your gold."
(Other parts of story in between)
Every time I felt as if I were going to break, or I couldn't hold it together, I'd think of her story, allow it to happen, and look for gold.
Finished this book last night-it was so good I couldn't put it down! There were a lot of other notes I jotted to include here:
"We were given the privilege of organ donation. It wasn't just a decision, it was a privilege."
Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Luke 18:27: But he said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."
1 Peter 5:10: But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
One chapter in the book is called "Outlive Yourself", referring to organ donation
Ending of book: "I still haven't found the peace I'd been looking for, but I resolved that I probably never would. This wasn't the way our story was supposed to be written. The natural order of things is that children are supposed to outlive their parents, grow up, get married, and have their own children. However, though we were having to rewrite our story, that wasn't the end of Taylor. Through organ donation, Taylor had already outlived herself and continued to do so each day through Jeff, Patricia, Jonathon and now Ashley (her organ recipients).
And with God's help, now we were learning how to live on without her."
From Taylor's dad explaining to his son Ryan: "Your life is like a book," I said. "When you're reading a good book, you just sail through the chapters and enjoy the ride. Then suddenly, something bad happens to the main character. Maybe there is one chapter that is really difficult, and you sort of struggle reading the book because that chapter is hard. You're not sure if you want to keep reading, or if you even want to know what happens next. But when you get to the end of the book, you love how the story turns out, and you recommend it to your friends. That's when you understand why the author put that hard chapter in there. It all makes sense once the story ends." I put my arm around him and said, "Your life is like that book, and God is writing the story. Just know that some day when He is almost finished writing, you'll be able to look back and say, 'I totally get why that chapter was there.'"
That was also my hope.
Someday, I wanted to look back and see the purpose in all of this. For now, each of us just had to keep moving through the difficult parts of the story.
From Taylor's mom in a chapter called, "New Beginnings" soon after they placed Taylor's headstone at her grave: "As the workers picked up the heavy granite stone and carefully laid it on the surface they'd prepared, I saw Taylor's image, and next to it the cross. I thought about Jesus dying on the cross. The Son of God had a purpose in death. Though many thought His death was an end, on the third day they discovered that Jesus' purpose was part of something much bigger. Something eternal.
God created each of us for a purpose.
I'd always known my purpose--it was to be a mother to my three kids...But when one of those kids was taken from me, I felt like my purpose had been taken too. Some people talk about empty-nest syndrome when their kids go off to college. For a long time I felt as if my nest had been kicked and the pieces had gone flying everywhere. But once I got over the initial shock of losing one of my babies, I saw there were two more who needed me more than ever. What I came to realize over my months of searching was that my purpose hadn't changed--I was still a mom of three. But Ryan and Peyton needed me in different ways than Taylor needs me."
From Todd and Tara (Taylor's parents) at real end of book: "The title of this book is Taylor's Gift, but this isn't just Taylor's story, or even just our story. It's the story of... (donor recipients named here)It's the story of countless recipients who received organs because someone heard Taylor's story and registered to be an organ donor. It's also the story of the infinite number of gifts they will give to their
friends and family.
Taylor's gift is a gift that keeps on giving.
To others.
To us.
But the greatest gift we've received through this journey didn't come from Taylor. It came from God.
The gift of hope.
No matter how tragic our circumstances, God was always there for us.
Whether we acknowledge Him or not, He was always there.
And whether we heard Him or not, He was always present.
He will be there for you too.
Of course He will.
You are His gift. You are His child."
To paraphrase a thought that was in this book, just don't know where to find it: Through it all, Taylor's heart never stopped beating.
"You were hand-picked--chosen--for this burden." (another family who had lost a child told Taylor's parents this)
When Taylor's mom was contemplating suicide and told her Pastor about it:
Taylor's Mom: "The pain is too much, and I can't do this anymore."
Pastor: "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
TM: "I would much rather be with her than be here."
P: "What makes you think if you did that, you would see her?"
TM: I hadn't thought of that. I'd never thought about something like that before, because I've never, ever gone down that path. How does God feel about that? Would He turn me away?
Before I could respond, more texts came in from him. "What makes you think that if you did it, God would welcome you with open arms?" Then, "How selfish of you to leave Ryan and Peyton like this!" (her other kids)
Suddenly, the idea was more complicated that it had seemed a few minutes earlier. I thought about my response and was just getting ready to text him back when he sent me a real zinger. "Do you really think Taylor would be proud of you?"
His words took my breath away. I knew for a fact she wouldn't be happy with me. She would never be proud of me if I did that. (I love the italics font by the way).
It was my lowest moment ever. But through his texts, Father Alfonse helped me realize it was because I was focusing on myself--on my own pain. I'd never looked at it from Taylor's perspective. I hadn't considered her reaction at all. Neither had I thought about what it would do to Peyton and Ryan.
I certainly hadn't thought about what God would think.
I put the cap back on the bottle and set it on the nightstand. I knew then I could never do it. Ever. Father Alfonse was right. I was being selfish. We texted back and forth a few more times. He made me promise I wouldn't do anything.
"I promise I won't," I texted back. I meant it.
"This is all for Your glory!"
Story told to Taylor's mom: "A very long time ago, there lived some Buddhist monks. Their village had been decimated by war and enemies were attacking their culture. To protect themselves, they had to move their village. But part of their religious tradition included this huge Buddha made of mud that they loved and worshiped. They wanted to take it with them to the new village, but they were fearful because they knew if they moved the statue, it could crack and break. Yet they couldn't move on without their Buddha.
So the whole village assembled, and the plan was to carefully work together to move this clay Buddha. But when they started to move it, the Buddha started to crack as they feared. Soon, the cracks got bigger and chunks of Buddha mud fell to the ground. But underneath the mud was gold."
She placed both her hands on my shoulders and said, "You're going to have to crack before you can find your gold."
(Other parts of story in between)
Every time I felt as if I were going to break, or I couldn't hold it together, I'd think of her story, allow it to happen, and look for gold.
Finished this book last night-it was so good I couldn't put it down! There were a lot of other notes I jotted to include here:
"We were given the privilege of organ donation. It wasn't just a decision, it was a privilege."
Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Luke 18:27: But he said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."
1 Peter 5:10: But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
One chapter in the book is called "Outlive Yourself", referring to organ donation
Ending of book: "I still haven't found the peace I'd been looking for, but I resolved that I probably never would. This wasn't the way our story was supposed to be written. The natural order of things is that children are supposed to outlive their parents, grow up, get married, and have their own children. However, though we were having to rewrite our story, that wasn't the end of Taylor. Through organ donation, Taylor had already outlived herself and continued to do so each day through Jeff, Patricia, Jonathon and now Ashley (her organ recipients).
And with God's help, now we were learning how to live on without her."
From Taylor's dad explaining to his son Ryan: "Your life is like a book," I said. "When you're reading a good book, you just sail through the chapters and enjoy the ride. Then suddenly, something bad happens to the main character. Maybe there is one chapter that is really difficult, and you sort of struggle reading the book because that chapter is hard. You're not sure if you want to keep reading, or if you even want to know what happens next. But when you get to the end of the book, you love how the story turns out, and you recommend it to your friends. That's when you understand why the author put that hard chapter in there. It all makes sense once the story ends." I put my arm around him and said, "Your life is like that book, and God is writing the story. Just know that some day when He is almost finished writing, you'll be able to look back and say, 'I totally get why that chapter was there.'"
That was also my hope.
Someday, I wanted to look back and see the purpose in all of this. For now, each of us just had to keep moving through the difficult parts of the story.
From Taylor's mom in a chapter called, "New Beginnings" soon after they placed Taylor's headstone at her grave: "As the workers picked up the heavy granite stone and carefully laid it on the surface they'd prepared, I saw Taylor's image, and next to it the cross. I thought about Jesus dying on the cross. The Son of God had a purpose in death. Though many thought His death was an end, on the third day they discovered that Jesus' purpose was part of something much bigger. Something eternal.
God created each of us for a purpose.
I'd always known my purpose--it was to be a mother to my three kids...But when one of those kids was taken from me, I felt like my purpose had been taken too. Some people talk about empty-nest syndrome when their kids go off to college. For a long time I felt as if my nest had been kicked and the pieces had gone flying everywhere. But once I got over the initial shock of losing one of my babies, I saw there were two more who needed me more than ever. What I came to realize over my months of searching was that my purpose hadn't changed--I was still a mom of three. But Ryan and Peyton needed me in different ways than Taylor needs me."
From Todd and Tara (Taylor's parents) at real end of book: "The title of this book is Taylor's Gift, but this isn't just Taylor's story, or even just our story. It's the story of... (donor recipients named here)It's the story of countless recipients who received organs because someone heard Taylor's story and registered to be an organ donor. It's also the story of the infinite number of gifts they will give to their
friends and family.
Taylor's gift is a gift that keeps on giving.
To others.
To us.
But the greatest gift we've received through this journey didn't come from Taylor. It came from God.
The gift of hope.
No matter how tragic our circumstances, God was always there for us.
Whether we acknowledge Him or not, He was always there.
And whether we heard Him or not, He was always present.
He will be there for you too.
Of course He will.
You are His gift. You are His child."
To paraphrase a thought that was in this book, just don't know where to find it: Through it all, Taylor's heart never stopped beating.
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
This song comes on Pandora a lot, so I thought I would record the lyrics at some point.
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeeming love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by thy help I come
And I hope by the good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed his precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above
(I might double-check these lyrics in the hymnal-some of them don't sound right, plus I fixed a typo)
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeeming love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by thy help I come
And I hope by the good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed his precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above
(I might double-check these lyrics in the hymnal-some of them don't sound right, plus I fixed a typo)
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Things I Know
Saving this topic for future writing on details/facts about the accident that I definitely know and why I know them.
I know God loves me.
I know God loves Hayden.
I know that Hayden wasn't distracted because he was texting, talking on the phone or on the internet. I know this because the phone records don't show any activity around that time.
I know that Hayden didn't swerve in front of the truck on purpose because he couldn't have seen it coming over the hill.
I know Hayden wasn't aware that he was crossing the center line because he didn't react when the other car (before the truck) got out of his way. If he had just been temporarily distracted, he would have noticed and tried to swerve back into his lane.
I know he didn't try to swerve back into his lane or he wasn't too far in the other lane when the other car got out of his way because of the angle his car hit the truck. It was an offset crash where he the two front ends clipped and bounced off and hit Hayden's driver's side.
I knew before I was told it was an offset crash by the tow yard and not a head-on crash as reported by the Ann Arbor News because of the damage to the driver's side and the trajectory of both vehicles.
I know that the truck couldn't swerve out of the way when he saw Hayden in his lane because of the hill.
I know that Wagner Rd. is dangerous because there are mostly ditches on each side of it and when somebody crosses the center line, there is nowhere for the other car to safely go. (Thanks to Jeanette Brenner for pointing that out to me).
I know that there have been many fatal accidents on this road.
I know that Hayden was very familiar with Wagner Rd. because he drove it all the time to Quality 16, Skyline, etc.
I know that Hayden was a good driver.
I know that the Sable was a safe car.
I know Hayden wouldn't want to hurt himself or anyone else.
I know Hayden was saved and is now in Heaven.
I know that I will see Hayden again.
I know that it is better for Hayden to be with the Lord than it is for him to be here. I know this because the best day of a Christian's life is the day he dies.
I know that Hayden's death was used to glorify the Lord. I know this because the gospel was clearly preached at his service at a time when people were contemplating life and death issues. I also know that many earthly relationships were mended as a result of his death.
I know that Hayden feels close to me and he tries to communicate with me. I know this because of songs that come on and other "coincidences" that occur that can only be him. For that I am thankful because I never expected that.
I know that I was a good mother to him.
I know I have no regrets except the regret of not having more time with him and not actually saying "goodbye", just "goodnight".
I know that when he is in my dreams it is really him because I can feel that it is really him. I am also extremely thankful for that.
I know that God knew that Hayden would be on this earth for 17 years, 10 months and 3 days.
I know that I will miss him every day of my life.
(I just realized that this was not addressed to you as it usually is. I think I will leave it though. I might add to this-I just wanted to record some of these thoughts for when I questions things, I can come back to this. By the way, I love seeing your name).
I know God loves me.
I know God loves Hayden.
I know that Hayden wasn't distracted because he was texting, talking on the phone or on the internet. I know this because the phone records don't show any activity around that time.
I know that Hayden didn't swerve in front of the truck on purpose because he couldn't have seen it coming over the hill.
I know Hayden wasn't aware that he was crossing the center line because he didn't react when the other car (before the truck) got out of his way. If he had just been temporarily distracted, he would have noticed and tried to swerve back into his lane.
I know he didn't try to swerve back into his lane or he wasn't too far in the other lane when the other car got out of his way because of the angle his car hit the truck. It was an offset crash where he the two front ends clipped and bounced off and hit Hayden's driver's side.
I knew before I was told it was an offset crash by the tow yard and not a head-on crash as reported by the Ann Arbor News because of the damage to the driver's side and the trajectory of both vehicles.
I know that the truck couldn't swerve out of the way when he saw Hayden in his lane because of the hill.
I know that Wagner Rd. is dangerous because there are mostly ditches on each side of it and when somebody crosses the center line, there is nowhere for the other car to safely go. (Thanks to Jeanette Brenner for pointing that out to me).
I know that there have been many fatal accidents on this road.
I know that Hayden was very familiar with Wagner Rd. because he drove it all the time to Quality 16, Skyline, etc.
I know that Hayden was a good driver.
I know that the Sable was a safe car.
I know Hayden wouldn't want to hurt himself or anyone else.
I know Hayden was saved and is now in Heaven.
I know that I will see Hayden again.
I know that it is better for Hayden to be with the Lord than it is for him to be here. I know this because the best day of a Christian's life is the day he dies.
I know that Hayden's death was used to glorify the Lord. I know this because the gospel was clearly preached at his service at a time when people were contemplating life and death issues. I also know that many earthly relationships were mended as a result of his death.
I know that Hayden feels close to me and he tries to communicate with me. I know this because of songs that come on and other "coincidences" that occur that can only be him. For that I am thankful because I never expected that.
I know that I was a good mother to him.
I know I have no regrets except the regret of not having more time with him and not actually saying "goodbye", just "goodnight".
I know that when he is in my dreams it is really him because I can feel that it is really him. I am also extremely thankful for that.
I know that God knew that Hayden would be on this earth for 17 years, 10 months and 3 days.
I know that I will miss him every day of my life.
(I just realized that this was not addressed to you as it usually is. I think I will leave it though. I might add to this-I just wanted to record some of these thoughts for when I questions things, I can come back to this. By the way, I love seeing your name).
Centuries
This is a song by Fall Out Boy, who you saw in concert. This song was played at Water Polo Senior Night and it makes me think of you when it comes on. I wanted to record the lyrics sometime.
Some of the lyrics a little bit weird. I will have to decide if I want to include all of them or just the chorus or what. Ok, here goes:
Some legends are told
Some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me
Remember me for centuries
And just one mistake
Is all it will take
We'll go down in history
Remember me for centuries
Mummified my teenage dreams
No, it's nothing wrong with me
The kids are all wrong
The stories are off
Heavy metal broke my heart
Come on, come on and let me in
The bruises on your thighs like my fingerprints
And this is for tonight
I thought that you would feel
I never meant for you to fix yourself
(Chorus)
And I can't stop til the whole world knows my name
Cause I was only born inside my dreams
Until you die for me, as long as there is light
My shadow's over you cause I am the opposite of amnesia
And you're a cherry blossom
You're about to bloom
You look so pretty, but you're gone too soon
(Chorus)
We've been here forever
And here's the frozen proof
I could scream forever
We are the poisoned youth
(Chorus)
Some of the lyrics a little bit weird. I will have to decide if I want to include all of them or just the chorus or what. Ok, here goes:
Some legends are told
Some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me
Remember me for centuries
And just one mistake
Is all it will take
We'll go down in history
Remember me for centuries
Mummified my teenage dreams
No, it's nothing wrong with me
The kids are all wrong
The stories are off
Heavy metal broke my heart
Come on, come on and let me in
The bruises on your thighs like my fingerprints
And this is for tonight
I thought that you would feel
I never meant for you to fix yourself
(Chorus)
And I can't stop til the whole world knows my name
Cause I was only born inside my dreams
Until you die for me, as long as there is light
My shadow's over you cause I am the opposite of amnesia
And you're a cherry blossom
You're about to bloom
You look so pretty, but you're gone too soon
(Chorus)
We've been here forever
And here's the frozen proof
I could scream forever
We are the poisoned youth
(Chorus)
Dark days for light days
I wanted to save this title to remind myself to write about going through bad days in order to get to good days.
I thought of this when I stayed home with Carter on Tuesday. It was kind of a crummy day and I really didn't feel like staying at home. I was fighting off the end of a cold too though and realized later that I needed to recover from our incredibly crazy weekend and the bad Monday that Dad put us through.
I started feeling better later in the day when the kids and I went to the mall and to Dick's to use some gift cards that they had. When I thought about going anywhere, I knew I wasn't in the mood but I went anyway. We did our running around and it went fine and had Ele's Place in the evening which always makes me feel better.
My point is, I guess is that I needed to go through some of the crummy stuff during the day on Tuesday to appreciate and feel better what happened Tuesday night and even yesterday, which ended up being a good day. God knows what we need even when we don't. He knew we needed a day off on Tuesday to have a good Tuesday night and Wednesday.
That gives me hope for some of those horrible days, which I am sure I have a lot of still coming up, that getting through those will get us to the good days. Praise our Holy God. Love you boy!
(I had a note by this title that this could apply when comparing days on earth to days in heaven too.)
I thought of this when I stayed home with Carter on Tuesday. It was kind of a crummy day and I really didn't feel like staying at home. I was fighting off the end of a cold too though and realized later that I needed to recover from our incredibly crazy weekend and the bad Monday that Dad put us through.
I started feeling better later in the day when the kids and I went to the mall and to Dick's to use some gift cards that they had. When I thought about going anywhere, I knew I wasn't in the mood but I went anyway. We did our running around and it went fine and had Ele's Place in the evening which always makes me feel better.
My point is, I guess is that I needed to go through some of the crummy stuff during the day on Tuesday to appreciate and feel better what happened Tuesday night and even yesterday, which ended up being a good day. God knows what we need even when we don't. He knew we needed a day off on Tuesday to have a good Tuesday night and Wednesday.
That gives me hope for some of those horrible days, which I am sure I have a lot of still coming up, that getting through those will get us to the good days. Praise our Holy God. Love you boy!
(I had a note by this title that this could apply when comparing days on earth to days in heaven too.)
No greater pain
I wrote this down before, but not on this blog. This was on the Facebook page, I Am a Mother to an Angel:
Most women say there is no greater pain than to bear a child. I say there is no greater pain than to bury one.
Most women say there is no greater pain than to bear a child. I say there is no greater pain than to bury one.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
I'll Trust Him Whatever Befall/Some Notes from "Heaven" by Joni Earakson Tada
Trying to add thoughts on this to other post with "Pinnacle of Pain." If it doesn't work, I will be back.
I've been away for a few days and now think this is ok as a separate post. That title comes from a hymn that came to my mind that one and only (horrible) day that I visited the cemetery. I started singing it before I even realized what the hymn was: "I sing through the shade and the sunshine, I'll trust Him whatever befall, I sing for I cannot be silent, My Father planned it all." I also used the title "My Father Planned It All" on another post which is the title of the hymn. I am going to take a break and edit the "Pinnacle of Pain" post.
All set-I guess my point of this, is that we don't really know what is good or bad in the grand scheme of things. We have general ideas, but God is the one in control and it's all about Him. This reminds me of an excellent section I read in this book called "Heaven" by Joni Erickson Tada that I want to record here. It was life-changing.
Anyway, God had a very good reason for taking you. He wouldn't have allowed this much pain in vain. "I Surrender All" is playing on Pandora right now. "All to Thee, my Blessed Savior, I surrender all." Take whatever you want, Lord-it's yours to begin with anyway. What do I have that didn't come from your loving hand? It makes me think of Pastor's example of how we are in the Father and in the Son, like in his hand covered by one hand of the Father and one hand of the Son. Nothing can come to us but through those two hands. What a comfort-I wouldn't want to think that something could get to us that He didn't allow. That's frightening. Like in that other article that I mentioned about the parents who lost their newborn daughter-I might have to look that up, but they quoted something about the bitter cup being measured by your own hand. I'm going to look that up really quick.
Here is the quote by Charles Spurgeon about suffering: "It would be a very sharp and trying experience for me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by His hand, that my trials were never measured out by Him, nor sent to me by His arrangement of their weight and quantity." It makes me think of another verse about God not giving us more than we can bear, but that's about temptation when I looked it up.
I'll try to bring that book back after lunch. This seems to be straying from what I originally wanted it to be. Well, I addressed some of it in the other post, "Pinnacle of Pain." To wrap up this thought, what have I to fear now? I am already experiencing the worst pain ever. As God is seeing me through this, anything else seems miniscule. I will update this later with the passage from that book. Love you so much!
I have the book, let's see if I can track down what I read: "Christ's Coronation Day"
is the section heading.
"We should have known it all along. But it never sunk in. Oh, we understand it on paper, but how often did we live--really live--with the focus off ourselves and fixed on Christ as King of Kings? It takes heaven to force us to fully comprehend what should have been plain on earth all along. If only we had stopped and read--really read--that "the God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth."(Acts 17:24)
Jesus is the Lord of heaven and earth.
We said it in our prayers, we sang it in our songs, and we would have sworn we believed it with a capital B. But it never really clicked for us. That's because "us" kept getting in the way. All those years when earthly trials hit hard, we burnt rubber in our brains trying to figure out what it meant to us. How problems fit into God's plan for us. How Jesus could be conformed in us. Everything was always "for us." Even Sunday worship service focused on how we felt, what we learned, and if the hymns were to our liking.
Why, oh why, didn't we take the hint from Acts 17:24 and switch our attention off us and onto Him? Why didn't we appreciate that God gave our every trial, heartache, and happiness to show us something about Himself?
That we might appreciate His grace?
That we were being polished for the praise of His glory?
That we might see that everything fit together in order that we might know Him?
We always marvel that God shows an interest in us, but in heaven it will be clear that every earthly thing happened so we'd show an interest in Him. In every trial, happiness, and heartache, God wanted us to think about Him. We will finally be convinced that the One whom we lauded with our lips as King truly did have supremacy in all things.
His kingdom came.
His will was done on earth as it is in heaven.
His word went forth and accomplished His purposes.
He was sovereign Lord over all.
While on earth, you never could have convinced us. We acted more like His kingdom sort of came, but not really. We behaved like His will was done on-earth-as-it-is-in-heaven mainly to benefit our jobs and relationships. And whenever we talked about heaven, it was more along the lines of an eternal playground where we would receive lots of new toys while God, like a granddaddy, would nod to see us enjoying ourselves.
What a shame that on earth we acted as though we did God a big favor by accepting Jesus as Savior. We pitied Jesus because His reputation could never quite be vindicated. We felt sorry for God because it seemed like His justice was never quite served; in fact, at times we were embarrassed for our "King" as we scrambled to defend Him over earthly holocausts and horrors. Jesus never appeared to flex His kingly muscles, and thus never got much credit, much less glory.
We weren't the only shortsighted ones. Even the disciples had a small-minded view of God. They too failed to recognize the King in their midst. Occasionally the fog lifted from their thinking, and once, toward the end of Jesus' ministry, they rose to a heavenly perspective of their King and said, "Now we can see that you know all things." For a brief moment, their focus was off the kingdom on earth and fixed on the kingdom of heaven. It was a rare flash of revelation, and Jesus was moved enough to exclaim, "You believe at last!" (John 16:30-31).
Those words of Christ's rip at my heart. All Jesus wanted from us was, at last, to believe. So why were our times of drastic obedience and absolute trust only flashes, brief moments of illumination? Why did we always have a hard time acting like Jesus was King?"
(By the way, I love how the above is written in past tense, as if we are already in heaven)
This continues with the heading "The King Who Won Against All Odds"
"Perhaps because on earth, He never acted like a king.
Or at least not like one would think a king should act. Jesus, however, had a good reason for cloaking His majesty under the robe of weakness, shame, and humility. It has to do with His glory in heaven. When the Father designed the plan of salvation, He initiated a scheme that would ultimately bring the highest and brightest glory to His Son, the King of the Cosmos. It was a plot that almost reads like an adventure story.
The plan was put into effect when the evil villain, Lucifer, enslaved the citizens of the kingdom of earth through treachery and deceit. He usurped the authority of the rightful Ruler and set up his own rival government. The good Ruler sent His most skilled servants to try to recapture the occupied territory, but with few exceptions, the villain seduced and defeated them. Finally, the Ruler sent His only Son, the rightful Prince, to invade Lucifer's territory, free from the captive subjects, and retake the kingdom under the family banner.
But the battle tactics of the Son were odd, to say the least. In fact, the manner in which He fought seemed to insure defeat. At one point, when Lucifer had the Prince pinned, the Son merely yielded to the deathblow. All appeared lost and the people's hearts fainted in despair. Little did they realize the best and final part of the plan was just about to go into play. It was called the Resurrection, and it was only the battle tactic that could deliver the killing blow to the enemy and his hordes of evil rulers.
Now any struggle between a hero and the bad guys is interesting enough, but when the hero is disadvantaged, a new element is introduced. Now the hero is in far more danger and he appears to have less chance of winning. But if in his weakness he overcomes against all odds, he ends up twice as much the hero. When weak heroes outmaneuver strong villains, the victory is awe-inspiring.
And so, the Prince of Peace, the Lamb who let Himself be slain, will be glorified, not because He employed brute force against Satan, but because He didn't."
There's more! This part is called "The King Who Won Through Weakness"
"There's another aspect of the Father's plan which positions His Son as less than kingly, yet guarantees Him greater glory. It involves defeating the strong villain by using his own dark power against him.
It's kind of like judo.
My husband Ken could tell you all about it. Every once in a while he gets into his martial arts mode and starts jumping around the living room like a cat on catnip, pouncing helter-skelter, punching the air with his fists, and kicking toward the ceiling with the side of his foot. I always watch with distracted feminine interest.
Ken tells me that judo has its uses. It's the art of using the power of your enemy to defeat him; and although Ken may appear passive and even weak in a judo match, the secret is simply to wait for that moment when the opponent's full strength can be used to defeat him. When my husband is attacked, he simply judos his assailant and sends the guy flying over his shoulder.
Jesus appeared passive and weak. People kept looking for his diadem. We kept hoping He would behave as a monarch should and make the lives of His subjects happy, healthy, and free from trouble. But Jesus had other plans for earth--plans that involved greater praise for the believer and glory for Himself.
He kept doing judo. Especially against the devil. And most specifically at the Cross. At the exact moment the devil thought he had Christ cornered and pinned down in defeat, he unleashed his full satanic fury to finish Him off. But it was Christ's weakness and vulnerability that enabled Him to judo Satan into slitting his own throat.
James Stewart, the Scottish theologian, put it this way:
The very triumphs of His foes He used for their defeat. He compelled their dark achievements to subserve His ends, not theirs. They nailed Him to the tree, not knowing that by that very act they were bringing the world to His feet. They gave Him a cross, not guessing that He would make it a throne.
They flung Him outside the gates to die, not knowing that at that very moment they were lifting up all the gates of the universe to let the King of Glory come in. They thought to root out His doctrines, not understanding that they were implanting imperishably in the hearts of men the very name they intended to destroy.
They thought they had God with His back to the wall, pinned and helpless and defeated. They did not know it was God Himself who had dragged them down to that point. He did not conquer in spite of the dark mystery of evil, He conquered through it.
Something glorious happened when the world's worst murder became the world's only salvation. When the cross, a symbol of torture, became a symbol of life and hope, it meant triple the glory.
Jesus ends up triple the hero in heaven because He won using weapons of warfare that were spiritual, and not carnal. His triumph was assured using divine judo. He won using perfect timing and patience. "At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly" (Romans 5:6). He won through waiting, yielding, and submission. Philippians 2:7-9 reads like "The Basic Principles in Martial Arts" because the weaker Christ became, the greater was His victory, and the greater the victory, the more glorious the honors: "(He) made himself nothing,...he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name."
If we pitied Christ on earth or felt badly that His justice seemed aborted, we wasted our time. If we were embarrassed for His sake over so much senseless suffering, we would have done better to take a few lessons in the martial arts. Jesus did flex His muscles as King on earth; our unskilled eyes, hearts, and minds just weren't trained to see it. He wore a crown; it just wasn't the crown we expected. Not one of gold, but of thorns.
Up in heaven, we may be tempted to smack our foreheads and exclaim, "Oh bother! How did we miss it?" But there will be no room for remorse. We won't berate ourselves for not having seen it. No, our King of Kings will be too gracious to permit us such regrets. It will be obvious why His medals of monarchy were hidden. It was all engineered to help us exercise faith, develop trust, and demonstrate obedience, as well as to teach us timing and patience, waiting and yielding. The King overcame the Cross so that we might have power to parlay a bullying devil and thus accept our thorns, share our burdens, and carry our own crosses, while all the time turning tragedy into triumph and heartache into victories.
With good grace, Jesus will not scold us for being so us-centered. He will assure us He knew our frame and remembered that we were but dust. We will realize that on earth we were worse than we thought, but the Lord's grace went deeper than we thought, and so in heaven we will do better than we thought.
The Lord Jesus will be sloppy with His kindness, letting it spill and splash over everything. Even our regrets. And that, dear friends, will compel us to love, praise and rejoice in Him all the more. At that point, God's glory in heaven will open up exponentially to the hundredth power.
I get so happy when I picture this moment. For He will show Himself as He is, no longer the weak and suffering servant, but the mighty Sovereign of time and space. His reputation will be vindicated. He will receive all the credit due Him, plus triple the glory. Most of all, His justice will be served.
And it won't look very nice. At least to some."
Thank you Lord for Who You Are and taking care of everything! Thank you for Hayden too!
Pinnacle of pain
I wrote this title down at home over the weekend so I would remember this thought to write about. I don't know if I can handle writing about it now, but the idea behind it is that nothing in my life will ever hurt more than losing you. There may be things that would be equally painful, but nothing more painful. The only thing that I could see being as painful are equal losses. And by equal losses I don't even include anything that could happen to me, even my own death. This is the worst pain I will ever go through in my life. And it's pretty horrible.
Anything else I can think of pales in comparison. I feel bad about that sometimes and even got in trouble for it once (I can explain that later), but that's just my perspective now unfortunately. When I hear someone is sick or dying or has died, I don't care as much as I used to. If someone was hurt and going to be okay especially, I have no compassion. I do feel bad when other people lose children though of course, because I know how it is.
We discussed this in the grief support group too a few times, especially when someone dies who is old. Or when someone's pet dies. The natural end of life. The expected end of life.
I thought of this when I was worried about driving the van home after the scrimmage in East Lansing on Saturday. I was worried that the engine would quit, or the steering would quit. Then what, maybe we would get in a crash and get hurt or die? That happens. (That reminded me of another post title I thought of, so I took a break and wrote that down-"I'll trust Him whatever befall"). So many times in life, I worry about things and want them to turn out the way I want them to, like having a safe drive home or having enough money for bills. When I am hoping for things to turn out the way I want, that's not trusting God, that's just worrying and wishing for my own outcome. I need to completely let go of everything and literally give it all to God. I thought I was doing that before but I wasn't.
A mental image that comes to mind is just letting my worries go to the wind. Because worrying about them doesn't do anything but make me more upset. Like opening up a door and letting them fly out. This is bothering me a little bit because I feel like it's morphing into what I wanted to include in the other post.
I just decided to add that title to this title--like a mixed song (like "This Is My Father's World" and "For the Beauty of the Earth" on Pandora). Hopefully this will work. (See below)
When I look at the word, "pinnacle", it makes me think of something high up when this pain feels very, very deep. I might look for another word to describe it, although what I mean by "pinnacle" is the most pain I will ever feel. I kind of lost my train of thought on all of this. I will work on this another day. Love you boy!
I tried to continue this after a few days, but it just wasn't fitting anymore, so I made a separate post for "I'll Trust Him Whatever Befall."
To finish up this post, I mentioned that I got in trouble for my new way of thinking about "close calls" that others have. A few weeks ago, Dad came home from playing euchre with Grandma Elsie, Aunt Margie and Aunt Becky. He told me that Grandma has this condition that when she drinks water it goes into her lung sometimes. Anyway, he said that happened and she started coughing/choking like crazy. He said it was really scary. I couldn't feel that bad for her, so I said "I've seen scarier things than that." And he said, "Like, what?" and I said, "Hayden dying." Dad got mad at me and asked if I would have cared if it was my mom or someone in my family. I answered no. Here's my view on it: they knew she had this condition and she was fine. She didn't die. That's nothing to me. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I couldn't help it. Some things just don't concern me anymore.
For the word "pinnacle", I couldn't find a better, deeper-sounding word. One word that came up is "nadir" but I never heard that word before. I think I will leave it a "Pinnacle of Pain". It is a nice alliteration if nothing else.
To end this on a positive note, if I have already been in the depths of pain, what else can I fear? Praise our Holy God for that!
Anything else I can think of pales in comparison. I feel bad about that sometimes and even got in trouble for it once (I can explain that later), but that's just my perspective now unfortunately. When I hear someone is sick or dying or has died, I don't care as much as I used to. If someone was hurt and going to be okay especially, I have no compassion. I do feel bad when other people lose children though of course, because I know how it is.
We discussed this in the grief support group too a few times, especially when someone dies who is old. Or when someone's pet dies. The natural end of life. The expected end of life.
I thought of this when I was worried about driving the van home after the scrimmage in East Lansing on Saturday. I was worried that the engine would quit, or the steering would quit. Then what, maybe we would get in a crash and get hurt or die? That happens. (That reminded me of another post title I thought of, so I took a break and wrote that down-"I'll trust Him whatever befall"). So many times in life, I worry about things and want them to turn out the way I want them to, like having a safe drive home or having enough money for bills. When I am hoping for things to turn out the way I want, that's not trusting God, that's just worrying and wishing for my own outcome. I need to completely let go of everything and literally give it all to God. I thought I was doing that before but I wasn't.
A mental image that comes to mind is just letting my worries go to the wind. Because worrying about them doesn't do anything but make me more upset. Like opening up a door and letting them fly out. This is bothering me a little bit because I feel like it's morphing into what I wanted to include in the other post.
I just decided to add that title to this title--like a mixed song (like "This Is My Father's World" and "For the Beauty of the Earth" on Pandora). Hopefully this will work. (See below)
When I look at the word, "pinnacle", it makes me think of something high up when this pain feels very, very deep. I might look for another word to describe it, although what I mean by "pinnacle" is the most pain I will ever feel. I kind of lost my train of thought on all of this. I will work on this another day. Love you boy!
I tried to continue this after a few days, but it just wasn't fitting anymore, so I made a separate post for "I'll Trust Him Whatever Befall."
To finish up this post, I mentioned that I got in trouble for my new way of thinking about "close calls" that others have. A few weeks ago, Dad came home from playing euchre with Grandma Elsie, Aunt Margie and Aunt Becky. He told me that Grandma has this condition that when she drinks water it goes into her lung sometimes. Anyway, he said that happened and she started coughing/choking like crazy. He said it was really scary. I couldn't feel that bad for her, so I said "I've seen scarier things than that." And he said, "Like, what?" and I said, "Hayden dying." Dad got mad at me and asked if I would have cared if it was my mom or someone in my family. I answered no. Here's my view on it: they knew she had this condition and she was fine. She didn't die. That's nothing to me. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I couldn't help it. Some things just don't concern me anymore.
For the word "pinnacle", I couldn't find a better, deeper-sounding word. One word that came up is "nadir" but I never heard that word before. I think I will leave it a "Pinnacle of Pain". It is a nice alliteration if nothing else.
To end this on a positive note, if I have already been in the depths of pain, what else can I fear? Praise our Holy God for that!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)