Justice

Came across this quote today from Jane Addams.

"True peace is not merely the absence of war, it is the presence of justice."

This idea sparked a thought in regard to all that has been going on which, I admit, have been negligent about discussing. Where is the justice in how Dad has admitted to treating me all these years? I suppose the punishment he has endured is a bad marriage-but he created it. That is a consequence of a bad decision which can be a punishment in and of itself, but does not offer restitution for the damage that has been done, namely to me. Repentance? Groveling at someone's feet? That happened for two days-does that make up for 20-plus years? And then he takes it back? How is that ok? And then, because of all of that, I seek out a friendship with another man, and the finger is pointed at me for almost destroying a family because I want to end it?

First of all, I think a marriage and a family are separate. A good marriage strengthens a family, but a family can still exist outside the context of a marriage, say even if a spouse dies. My kids are still my kids-they will always be my kids. Eventually we will all be living in separate households when they grow up. They're old enough now to handle things. I wouldn't have even considered divorce if I thought otherwise. I actually was surprised when Hope asked me to give my marriage one more try. I didn't think she cared.

I know that divorced life is a big hassle and takes the focus off the kids. It would be nice to "keep the peace" and let them live their teenage lives with as little drama as possible. I just don't know what happens with they leave. And it's just me and Bill. I don't think I want that. It seems like now there's a point to trying to keep it together and there won't be then.

I'm looked at as the bad person for wanting out, but what about the promises he didn't keep, like to love, honor, cherish, etc.? That hasn't happened. That is what has made me want out. Nobody focuses on that. People just hear what Bill has told them about my "adultery" and can't believe that I would do that. First of all, I didn't. I still don't think it was "really" cheating. I know it's a path to it, but I never would have taken it to a physical level. For some reason, I have convictions about not doing that, but different ones about considering a divorce.

Is there ever a good "reason" to sin though? Because someone did this to you or that to you, so you retaliated? I'm reminded of my analogy of someone killing someone else in self-defense. The Bible says "Do not kill." But if someone is going to kill you, and you kill them first, it's ok. There was a good reason to sin. The laws are given to us, as counselor Dave said, for our good. Like marriage-we are given parameters to protect us so one spouse can't just cheat all the time on the other and get away with it. But when those same laws make us feel trapped and one person feels like they can get away with anything because as a Christian, I can't divorce him, that doesn't seem right. That seems like one person is taking advantage of that law.

What happens then? I smile and say, that's ok that you treated me that way. You said you're sorry, so it's excused. You can punch holes in the wall and text obscenities to the kids, but as long as you say you're sorry, that's ok. Even if you will probably do it again. Because you were desperate and so many good decisions are made in desperation. That's ok that you told the Laws that I cheated on you and am divorcing you. That can't be undone. That's humiliating to me. He told something like that to Kimberley too. I don't feel like I owe them any explanations, but it's out there. They might be wondering. It might be awkward.

How could she find another guy? How could she be mistreated and neglected for years and find someone nice who appreciated her and respond to that? How can that happen? How can she find somebody who laughs at her jokes and can stimulate her on an intellectual level and maintain a friendship with him behind her husband's back? How can she like someone who's always there for her? Who always responds to the text right away, who always picks up the phone when she calls? How can she try to help someone who needs her help and receive help from him? She's married. How can she seek out someone whom she deserves and who deserves her? How can she seek out true happiness outside of her marriage? She made a commitment and even though he screwed it up, she has to keep her promise. He gets rewarded no matter what he does, because if she tries to leave, he will freak out and call her friend and yell at him and tell everyone at church what's going on and everyone in their family and threaten to take her kids away. But he loves her. Yeah, I can really tell.

Was that God's plan for marriage? In other scenarios, He acknowledges that just because we are forgiven doesn't give us liberty to sin anyway.  That's not the purpose of it. (I'm trying to turn that around on me a little bit here. Might have to come back to that thought.) "Vengeance is mine," says the Lord. "I will repay." Will He repay even though our sins are forgiven? We will get rewards taken away in Heaven. Will I get something taken away for what I've done?

Here's an example that came to mind. I'm not sure if it applies though. Someone has lost their job and is out of money. Their family is starving. Should he steal food to feed them? But that's a sin. The alternative is his family starves to death. What's the answer here? Sit and wait for the Lord to provide? Desperate times call for desperate measures? Is that the case? I don't know if I could do that. That's not the way to get food. There are a ton of other ways to get food if you have no money besides stealing. If the opportunity arose and "no one would know" or get hurt, would I do it? It's nothing personal to the store-it wouldn't hurt their bottom line. I think I would avoid it at all costs, but I'm not sure if I would actually do it. I "stole" diapers from church to get us to the next pay day. Is that wrong? Is it stealing from God? Wouldn't God want to me to have those diapers? Stealing is a sin.

Is my intent to feed my soul and heart different than feeding my family? It's a need. Both could be considered to be a desperate need. My kid needs diapers even though I can't afford them right now. Do I ask somebody else for money for the diapers which is humiliating? Or just take a few from the cupboard. If my kid pooped in them at church, they would use them. Should I buy a pack of diapers now that I can afford it to replace what I took then? Did I feel justified in taking those diapers? I know that it was wrong at the time because if I thought about asking for them instead, it would have been embarrassing. I wished I wasn't in that position to need/take the diapers since I know probably no one else in the whole church has probably ever needed to do that.

Why didn't I have money to buy diapers of my own? Did I squander my grocery money? No. I didn't have the money for the diapers because Bill had a stupid job that he wasn't making any money at and/or was continuing to make bad decisions with the little money that we did have. So he made me sin? No, he didn't make the choice to take the diapers. But he created the environment that "made" me sin. Is this what's happening now? If he had been a kind, caring, supportive husband all of those years, would I even have felt the need to find someone else? I don't think so. There was a need that was created because of something Bill neglected. Does that justify what I did? Probably not, but I would think that God is not too happy with the situation that was created at Bill's hand.

Would I take the diapers again, even knowing it was a sin? Yes. Would I reach out to K again, even knowing it was a sin? Yes. Common denominator-situations that Bill has created. Hmmmm...

Sinning is bad on your own, but isn't causing someone else to sin even worse?