Surprising answer

Whenever I have thought about all the things that have happened since your death, it was never a question that I would trade it all back to have you here the way it was before the accident. I would always choose you back.

I was thinking about this related to K and other people who have come into my life since that horrible day.  I know that I can never make the choice to have you back. But it was weird thinking that I would give up all these people and relationships if I could. What does that say about those relationships? That I wish they would have never happened? That I would wish them all away just to have you back? And not just K, what about the Wonderstruck ladies? What about how Grammy and Grandma Joonie are friends now? What about how Taryn and Jaime are friends now? What about how close I am with my mom and Kaisa and Tony now? What about how you have no worries ever because you are home with the Lord?

What about all of the people whom I know got saved as a result of this? Would I wish them out of heaven to have you back? That seems a little selfish. It made me cry to realize this because I was so firm on the thought that I would always choose to have you back. Even if that isn't part of God's plan? Do I want something that God doesn't want? Do I want something just for me when God has used this for the good of so many others?

Once I thought this through, it was a little refreshing, a little freeing. A little surprising. What kind of mother am I who wouldn't want her son back in a heartbeat? Without even thinking? To hold you and keep you all to myself and not share you with the world or with God? I don't think that's how it works. I don't think that's why God gives us children to raise-to hide, to hoard away, to keep safe in our own little pocket just for us. We are recipients of a great gift that we get a part of but the intention of it is not for our own pleasure. It's for God's good pleasure. Whatever that pleasure is. Don't you think it's a pleasure to God to be able to use somebody's death to draw others to Himself? To have that person with Him, but to use that person to populate heaven? It's a divine privilege to be a part of that. To raise a child in such a way to touch so many people in such a short time. I'm not tooting my own horn, but it's encouraging to know that I did a good job. I did. I'm thankful for that opportunity. Love you boy!