After finishing that last book (Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow) I feel like I had a lot of my questions answered about your death. I don't think I was ever mad at God, I just had a lot of unanswered questions. This book (plus the ton I read before this one too) addressed things like how even Jesus asked God before He was crucified if there could be another way for God's plan to be carried out. That blew me away! The very reason that God sent His Son to this earth was to be crucified and the human side of Jesus was asking God if there was another way! God told His Own Son Jesus "No". God's plans must be carried out.
There was also a part that addressed that your life was exactly as long as God ordained it to be. If you weren't killed in a car accident on August 20, 2015 at 7:38 am, you would have died some other way. That was your time to go. It wasn't too early to God. Your purpose on this earth had been accomplished in the 17 years, 10 months and 3 days that you were here. That was the plan before you were even born, before I was even born. All of our days are written in His book.
(I'm not too happy about how this is coming across-I much prefer to quote others than use my own words. Oh, well)
Also, it really hit home how much more of a miracle it is for God to save our souls than to preserve our physical bodies. He saves our souls eternally. We are so conditioned to look at the here and now and what is so temporary. If your body had been spared, your physical body would die again at some point. I read somewhere else that dying once is hard enough, why would we make you die twice? But when we are in Jesus, we don't die. He has the keys to death and the grave. You are not dead, just your body is. You are with Jesus right now. And you will be rejoined with your body when the Lord returns. Praise God for that!
The book also addressed how sometimes, even though the thought of heaven is a comfort, it seems so far away. It is so close! Uh,oh-I feel like I am rambling. Many of these things are better covered in my notes from the book.
My point is, I feel like a heavy load has been lifted. My spirit feels lighter-lighter than it has in almost 7 months. This may not last, but I choose to enjoy it and appreciate it now. Thank you Lord! The miracle is that You are seeing me through this and healing me! I never would have thought that was possible before all of this happened. Thank you for the gift of Hayden! Thank you for using him for Your purposes! What more could a mother ask for? Love you sweet boy!
Here are some other thoughts that might improve this post:
I was starting to read a book called Who Dies? but realized the author was a Buddhist. Here is something I gleaned from the introduction though:
"I have also met those whose death was an inspiration to all about them. Who died with so much love and compassion that all were left filled with an unnamed joy for weeks afterward."
Another thought of being afraid of the "unknown" (death): so afraid of an "unknown" that we will stay in a horrible "known"
i.e. an abused child reluctant to leave abusive parent
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