Even since the last post and a horrible weekend with Dad home, I am happy to report that the peace I had from last week is still here. The heavy weight of sadness has lifted quite a bit. I still feel "bummed" about the accident, but it's not as awful. I am thankful for that.
Hope and Carter continue to amaze me with their strength and positive outlook. Dad continues to amaze me at how horrible he is handling all of this. I totally believe that he picks fights on Sunday mornings to have an excuse not to go to church. It's like, fine if you don't want to go, but why do you have to yell and scream at everyone else and make a big scene? The worst part about him not going this week is that Pastor asked him specifically to take part in the service for the new church plant in Howell. He said that his prayer wouldn't have been heard because since we are "one" and we are fighting that God wouldn't hear his prayer anyway. How ridiculous is that? So everyone has to have absolutely no sin going on in their life every time they pray? That's not even possible. So God doesn't hear the prayers of a divorced person? Of course, he defended that because he says they ask forgiveness. He makes no sense!
The fight was about taking two cars to church. Taking two cars works-I have tried to comply and go back to just taking the one, but something always comes up and we wish we had the second car. Dad thinks it would be beneficial to go "as a family" which I did for 15 years and ended up having an argument in the car every time. Dad's rebuttal to that was that I am the one who always argues-how can one person argue? I am also remembering how when I worked at Target on the weekends, I asked to not have to drive so I could sleep on the way, but that didn't change. I still ended up having to drive when he couldn't get up for Sunday School, etc. I can't yo-yo back and forth like he does. I grew accustomed to driving again just to make sure Carter made it to Sunday School, etc. so we wouldn't be late every week, etc. Plus I now have a Sunday School class to teach.
Another one of Dad's "points" was that it was a waste of gas, so poor stewardship. (Does he know how much money he has "wasted" over the years?) I used to point that out when we had less money, but he didn't care then. And then after not going, he and Grandma Elsie "wasted gas" driving all over to three cemeteries to be depressing and visit graves.
Also, when we were going to take two cars, he insisted that the kids ride with him because he never sees them. Yet, when he took off for the day, he was away from them for hours and hours. I'm recording this to remind myself of how he makes no sense.
To top that off, he texted us all a picture of some red liquid in the driveway from the van, insisting that is unsafe to drive. This was a total afterthought and was not part of his original argument at all.
I didn't mean for this to be a rant on Dad, but maybe it's good I recorded this because I still managed to retain my peacefulness throughout all of this nonsense. Just so you know, on Friday I told Dad that I didn't see anything changing in our marriage when he is unwilling to change and I am unwilling to change. I basically said I give up. I wasn't suggesting any changes right now with changing the living arrangements at all, but I just wanted to let him know where I was at. I have no interest in working on our marriage. And for some reason, I don't feel guilty about that like I do about other sins. He got back at me with that today by saying that I haven't worked on it for 20 years. Thanks a lot.
Thanks for listening to this. I am sorry that you had to deal with this so much of your life. I don't know how much of it Dad laid on you. Now you're dead, and you're still hearing about it. No matter what happens, I love you! If I had to go through that to have you as a son, it was worth it! You're worth it! Love you so much! You taught me that life is too short to be unhappy. Thank you for that! Thank you for everything!
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