This was another excellent book. I really appreciated her book "On Grief and Grieving" but was a little disappointed with "On Death and Dying" because it had to do with people who knew they were dying, which didn't really apply to you and your situation. I was glad I gave her another try with this book. Some of the observations are spot-on and some are so encouraging. One poem brought me to tears. I'm going to re-read the book and take notes. All of the chapters did not apply.
Introduction-Reflections
"And so it is with death--the culmination of life, the graduation, the good-bye before another hello, the end before another beginning. Death is the great transition."
"It is my conviction that it is the intuitive, spiritual aspect of us humans--the inner voice--that gives us the 'knowing', the peace, and the direction to go through the windstorms of life, not shattered but whole, joining in love and understanding."
"Should you shield the canyons from their windstorms,
You would never see the beauty of their carvings."
Chapter 1 Letter to Bereaved Parents
"...the death of a child often is the teacher of unconditional love, and unconditional love has no claims, no expectations, needs not even a physical presence."
Chapter 2 The Beginnings of Life
I have this somewhere else, but it's definitely worth recording again:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Chapter 3 Sudden Death
a father agreed with what I said about the author's other book, On Death and Dying, since his son's death was sudden and tragic
"(A book on) sudden death could deal with the destruction that strikes at a time like this."
"Day-by-day affairs take on new meaning since the whole world has just come to an abrupt end, stopped, halted..."
"Many find indications of their child's inner awareness of impending death..."
(Like when you had your guitar and keyboard out soon before the accident even though you hadn't played them for months, maybe even years and how you saw EVERY FRIEND you had all summer!)
(Further reading makes me remember how you documented everything in your room by taking pictures. I am so thankful for those pictures!)
"'I get firmer and firmer convictions to hang in there because they're in a much better place than we are... It is also my sustaining belief that we are on this level of life to accomplish a mission, and when that is finished we are able to go home...We then live in peace and tranquility and never suffer pain, anguish, fear, or negativity again."
(I remember last summer you were going up the basement stairs and I was sitting with Carter on the couch watching TV with my pajamas on and wet hair and you looked at me and said. "Mom, you're pretty!" Thank you for that!)
"'...Your (son) finished (his) brief work on earth and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teachings as you are receiving? Probably very few, and even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and spacious peace midst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror, and desolation.
"'I cannot assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is your (son's) legacy to you. Not that (he) or I would inflict such pain by choice. But-there it is-and it must burn its purifying way to completion. You may emerge from this ordeal more dead than alive-and then you can understand why the greatest saints, for whom every human being is their child, shoulder the unbearable pain and are called the living dead. For something within you dies when you bear the unbearable-and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.
"'Now is the time to let your grief find expression-no false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to your (son), and thank (him) for being with you these few years and encourage (him) to go on with (his) work, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience.
"'In my heart I know that you and (he) will meet again...Your rational minds can never 'understand' what has happened. But your hearts, if you can keep them open to God, will find their own intuitive way.
"'Your (son) came through you to do (his) work on earth (which includes (his) manner of death). Now (his) soul is free, and the love you can share with (him) is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space...'" -Ram Dass
"Many of you who have lost a little one in a sudden death have not been privileged with this extra time and I want you to consider not only the tragedy, but also the blessing of this sudden death. You will never have to deal with the anguish and agony of long and painful medical procedures; you will never have to worry about the effects on brothers and sisters, who are unfortunately often put into secondary position,..."
"I'm sharing this also with you in the hope that you never allow anybody to give you Valium at the time of such a crisis, as it will cheat you out of the chance to experience all your feelings, cry out all your pain, shed all your tears, so that you can live again,..."
(This makes me thankful that I didn't take one of Kaisa's little pills to help me through your service. They were scary for one thing and I wanted to be fully "there.")
"...those who make the transition are more alive, more surrounded with unconditional love and beauty that you can ever conceive. They are not really dead. They have just preceded us in the evolutionary journey all of us are on; they are with their former playmates (as they call them), or guardian angels; they are with family members who preceded them in death and are unable to feel any negative feelings. The only thing that stays with them is the knowledge of love and care that they have received and of the lessons they have learned during their physical life."
"...it is perhaps the greatest gift that we can give to all of you, namely the knowledge that our physical body is only a cocoon and death is really the emergence of the indestructible and immortal real part of us, symbolically speaking, the butterfly."
"..your children know at the moment of death that they would emerge free and unencumbered into a land where there is no more pain, into a land of peace and unconditional love, into a land where there is no time and where they can reach you at the speed of their thoughts. Know that and enjoy the spring with new flowers coming out after the deadly winter frosts, and enjoy the new leaves and life bursting forth all around you."
Chapter 4 Head Injuries and Coma
Mother waiting to see son at hospital: "'Don't you know that somewhere in here my son's battling for his life?' the mother wanted to scream, but no one seemed to be concerned."
"It seemed that they--for the first time--got to know their oldest child. One boy shared how much Stephen had helped him a year before when his sister had drowned."
"He (son in a coma) is a constant reminder to the mother that we of the medical profession sometimes overdo our attempts to keep young people alive at all costs, oblivious to the nightmares that follow when parents see the nonfunctioning body of their child lying in a bed year after year, turned by family and nurses, fed like a baby, unable to move arms or legs, unable to utter a word or respond to any thing the family tries to communicate."
"'It would have been much simpler for all if David had simply been allowed to die when he had his accident; that is to say for his body to die, because I did have the experience that he left that night; the tests have proved conclusively that he has no higher cortical function, and I would think that this would mean he is gone out of the body."
"Once more people become aware that our physical form is not the person, but the cocoon, we may have fewer problems in letting go and less guilt that we did not prolong a life at all costs."
From other chapter: "What would our world be like if all of us could make a little effort to bless the things we have, instead of cursing our destiny for what we do not have?"
Chapter 9 Children's Inner Knowledge of Death and Their Symbolic Language
Sioux Prayer of Passing
Never the spirit is born
The spirit will cease to be never
Never the time when it was not.
End and beginning are dreams
Birthless and deathless and changeless
Remains the spirit forever.
Death has not touched it at all
Dead though the house of it seems.
"...they have imprinted on my mind that death can be as simple and as uncomplicated as life--if we don't make a nightmare out of it."
I'm quite a child you know
Lost somewhere in between the lilies and the lace
and never in my life have I
approached you without
first retreating.
All the better I believe
For you, at any rate.
You wait, you'll see just what
I mean
When I shatter into thousands.
You've never been so scared
in all your life
And never so rewarded. -Mary Hickman (I read her mom's devotional book)
Personal note: story about a little girl who woke up one morning and said Jesus told her she was going to heaven died that afternoon (reminded me of one of your garage sleepovers how you said you saw an angel. You were all excited. That was quite a few years ago. I will have to ask Ethan and Michael about that sometime).
"I can also tell you with complete certainty that the joy will come to you again, though it may seem impossible to you now. You will be able to look back and see (Hayden's) face, the funny little mannerisms that belonged only to him, the way his hair fell when it was just brushed; you will be able to hear his laughter and hold him close without feelings as if your heart is breaking.
"But this change comes ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly. And sometimes the time between now and then is hard to endure. Your faith in life and happiness and the future may often waiver, but grab onto life and anyone and any thing that you need for help!
"You don't have to be strong or logical or sensible, or any of the things you think you have to be, For me, it turned out to be better when I didn't try to fight the pain but let it roll over me like a giant tidal wave and carry me along with it, until it spent its fury and dropped me gasping but alive on the shores of sanity. And, like any storm, it gradually died. The waves crashed farther and farther apart, and somewhere, without my being aware of it, life became worth living again."
what we make out of life is our choice
"'I could cry for his unfinished life, if threescore years and ten is most important, but if I believe that God is personal, and cares for me and my loved ones than even I know how to, then how should I grieve that he is with God? And how could I doubt this personal God, after my experiences of the past months? And do I grieve for the loss of my son? Yes, if he were truly out of touch--but (Hayden) is so real to me--not externally but internally--bound up in all that I cherish and wonder at and reflect on, that his reality is very present, very real, very full of meaning.
"'And so I rejoice, mainly, that God should so bless me as to make meaning out of chaos.'"
Chapter 11 Letting Go
"Shall the day of parting
be the day of gathering?
And shall it be said
that my eve was in truth my dawn?" -Kahlil Gabrin, The Prophet
"Letting go is one of life's most difficult tasks."
"'The time that we have with our children is limited; they must leave. The time that we have with our children is forever, despite their leave. The time we have with our children is something to cherish.'"
"'Another thought that comes to mind is that Christian was a very special person and when one is given a very special person (they) can't keep him for too long. He must be surrendered so he can help someone else...'"
"A part of the grieving process is a need to get a sign "of life" from our dead children. We want to touch them once more, see their smiles, hear their voices, but most of all we need to know they are all right and not lonesome, as we are."
"I guess that visions, dreams, and appearances of our loved ones who died depend a great deal on our natural need."
"'No! It is not fair and it does not make any sense to us. Why should it? (Hayden) was very special, from the day he was born, and was even more special now because he was going home to his heavenly father. And who could love him more, give (Hayden) complete peace, make him strong again, and beautiful--more beautiful than we have ever known him? God, and only God, so I let go just a little bit."
"'I never said 'good-bye' because he will always be with me, in my heart; and someday I know we will be together again.'"
"...had left his earthly cocoon and because it was not necessary for it to be warm, soft, and moving."
To (Hayden), With Love
I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine, God said,
For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven weeks,
Or thirty years, or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring you charm to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down "there"
I want this child to learn.
And there, with you on Earth
This child of mine I lend,
For the many souls that he will touch,
With the lessons that I send.
I looked the wide world over
In my search for people true,
And from the throngs who crowd life's way,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I call around
To take him back again?
I fancy that I hear you say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,"
For all the joy this child has brought,
All fateful risks we run.
We sheltered him with tenderness,
We love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
We shall forever grateful stay.
But You came 'round to call for him
Much sooner than we'd planned--
Dear Lord, forgive this grief,
And help us understand.
On Death and Immortality:
Many fear death; but we only fear what we don't understand. Man can only be frightened if he is ignorant. The body is just a dwelling place for the soul, which uses it to express itself during the span of time that is allotted to each one of us for this earthly journey--in the light of eternity, always a short one. Therefore, death is only for the physical body; what constitutes the real "You," "I," "We" goes right on living. Dying means only that we discard our body the way we may cast aside an old worn-out coat, or step from one room into another. In Ecclesiastes, 12:7, we read: 'Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was; and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.' Jesus said: 'I go to prepare a place for you that where I am there you may be also,' And to the thief on the cross: 'Today thou shalt be with me in paradise.'"
From Victor Hugo: "'I am a soul. I know well that what I shall render up to the grave is not myself. That which is myself will go elsewhere.'"
"'When I go down to the grave I can say, like many others, 'I have finished my day's work!' But I cannot say,'I have finished my life.' My day's work will begin again the next morning. The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare. It closes on the twilight, it opens on the dawn.'""'Let us be just to death, let us not be ungrateful to death. It is not, as has been said, a ruin and a snare; it is an error to think that here, in the darkness of the open grave, all is lost to us. There everything is found again. The grave is a place of restitution. There the soul recovers its plentitude; there it is set free from the body, from want, from its burdens and fatalities. Death is the greatest of liberators, the highest step for those who have lived upon its heights; he who has been no more than virtuous on earth becomes beauteous; he who has been beauteous becomes sublime.'"
"'May our Heavenly Father give you the peace that comes with understanding; bless you, guide you, and protect you, and keep you in His care--until we meet again.'"
No comments:
Post a Comment