Destructive choices

 From Nathan Ross

An affair is often more about the person who 

commits it than the spouse who is betrayed.

One of the most damaging things an affair subject

can say to a betrayed wife is:

"If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't

have looked elsewhere."

Delivered with confidence, it suggests a husband's

betrayal proves his wife failed or was unworthy of

his loyalty.

It is a cruel oversimplification.

It reduces a deeply painful situation to a verdict on

the betrayed wife's value, ignoring personal

responsibility and the internal struggles that often

drive destructive choices.

It hits hard because it targets a fear many

betrayed wives carry:

"If I was enough, this wouldn't have happened."

But after working with hundreds of men who have

betrayed their wives and rebuilding my own

marriage, I can tell you this:

An affair is often more about the person who 

commits it than the spouse who is betrayed.

Many men who have affairs are not leaving

because they stopped loving their wife. They are

escaping parts of themselves they do not know

how to face - their shame, insecurity, need for

validation, fear of vulnerability, and inability to

communicate what is happening inside them.

Does that mean the marriage was perfect?

No.

No marriage is.

But unhappy marriages do not cause affairs. Poor

boundaries, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and

an inability to deal with pain, rejection, loneliness,

stress, aging, self-worth, or emotional discomfort

often contribute to them.

I was asked recently, "Were you happy with your

wife when you had your affair?"

The honest answer is complicated. Our marriage

needed attention. We had disconnected in some

areas.

But none of that made me have an affair. That

decision belonged entirely to me.

Looking back, I can see the biggest problem in my

marriage was me.

The affair was not evidence that my wife was

lacking. It exposed issues within me that I had

failed to address.

That does not remove responsibility, it increases it.

So if you are a betrayed wife reading this, please 

hear me. The affair subject does not get to define

your value.

The question is not whether you were enough.

The question is whether the man who betrayed

you was healthy enough to value what he already

had.