Stop walking on eggshells

Mom got this book from her therapist and it is excellent. It is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have taken many notes at home, but some things I took pictures of the pages to record later. Here they are.
(Title of book: Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger)

Criteria for BPD

The DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder reads as follows:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (moods), and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.  Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in #5.

2.  A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.  Identity disturbance:  markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.  Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in #5.

5.  Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6.  Affective instability due to a mark reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). (Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria. It's a mixture of depression, anxiety, rage, and despair.)

7.  Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8.  Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.)

9.  Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.


Perhaps as part of their identity dilemma, some people with BPD often see themselves as helpless victims of other people-even when their own behavior has affected the outcome of a particular situation. (Example: A borderline woman repeatedly battered her husband, had numerous affairs, and had her husband falsely arrested for possession of drugs after she planted them in his suitcase. Eventually, he filed for divorce. Her ex-husband began dating a woman he worked with. Yet when the woman described the breakup to her friends, she told them that her husband deserted her for a co-worker. This BP refused to recognize her role in the situation.)

When my father stopped abusing me, I had to make up for the hurt that suddenly disappeared.

Narcissistic Demands
Some people with BPD frequently bring the focus of attention back to themselves. They may react to most things based solely on how it affects them. Some people with BPD draw attention to themselves by complaining of illness; others may act inappropriately in public. These self-involved characteristics are defining components of narcissism; narcissistic behavior can be especially taxing on non-BP's, as the BP may not even consider how their actions affected the non-BP.

High Functioning
High-functioning borderlines are perfectly normal most of the time. Successful, outgoing, and well-liked, they may show their other side only to people they know very well. Although these borderlines may feel the same way inside as their less-functional counterparts, they have covered it up very well-so well, in fact, that they may be strangers unto themselves.
   Non-borderlines involved with this type of BP need to have their perceptions and feelings confirmed. Friends and family members who don't know the borderline as well may not believe stories of rage and verbal abuse. Many non-BP's told us that even their therapists refused to believe them when they described the BP's out-of-control behavior.

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
   Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating, and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Loss of Self-Esteem
Beverly Engel (1990) describes the effect of emotional abuse on self-esteem:

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinua tions, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being alone.

Healthy Relationships
All people, not just non-BP's, have the right to healthy relationships. However, after months or years of enduring excessive criticism, blame, and borderline rage, most non-BP's may begin to question whether they deserve to have a healthy relationship. Do you believe that you have the following rights?

-To feel respected as a person
-To get your physical and emotional needs met
-To communicate effectively with your partner
-To have your privacy respected
-To not constantly fight for control
-To feel good about yourself and your relationship
-To trust, validate, and support each other
-To grow within and outside of the relationship
-To have your own opinions and thoughts
-To either stay in or leave the relationship

As you may know, rights are neither respected nor acknowledged unless someone stands up for them. So ask yourself, are you ready to stand up for your rights?

Examine Your Beliefs about Marriage and Family
Many non-BP's stay in abusive relationships because they believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment or because they do not want their children to have divorced parents. However, spouses who take this position often must endure some of the most extreme behavior from people with BPD. The borderline spouse may realize that no matter how they act, the other person will remain in the relationship. With no real consequences to their behavior, the person with BPD may act out in ways most people would find intolerable. For example, one woman brought home extramarital sex partners while her husband was in another room of the house.
   Non-BP's who are married and have children with an abusive borderline say they feel they are in a no-win situation. If they stay, they will be emotionally or physically abused, but at least they can attempt to protect their children from any harmful behavior. If they leave the marriage, they fear that their partner will get custody and try to impede their relationship with the children-or worse, that in their absence, the acting out will more severely affect the children.
   If this is your situation, ask yourself if the other person is presently acting abusive toward the children. If they are, then the crisis is already an immediate one. Seek assistance...

Being in Situations Where Others Have the Spotlight
Some BP's have a difficult time during family celebrations when all the attention is focused on someone else. These BP's may try to draw the attention back to themselves by acting in or acting out. Several non-BP's told us that when they were going through a crisis-a death in the family, for example-the BP in their lives became furious at them and accused them of being overly needy and manipulative.

Melody Beattie believes (1987) that setting limits is not an isolated process. She writes:
Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with. Boundaries are rooted in our beliefs about what we deserve and don't deserve.
   Boundaries originate from a deeper sense of our personal rights-especially the right we have to be ourselves. Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves. Boundaries naturally flow from our conviction that we want, need, like and dislike is important.

Anne Katherine (1993) says:
Enmeshment happens when the individualities of each partner are sacrificed to the relationship. Falling in love is exciting and involving. But the truth is, it's a fairly enmeshed stage of the relationship. It is validating for someone to have thoughts and feelings identical to our own. It feels wonderful. Eventually, though, perceptions will differ. How this is handled is critical for the relationship.
   Sometimes people become enmeshed because one partner intimidates the other into giving up their own opinions, perspectives, and preferences. In other cases a partner takes on someone else's view voluntarily because they're so eager to feel close to someone. Denying part of themselves is preferable to being alone-at least at first. But the problem with sacrificing parts of yourself to please someone else is that it doesn't work in the long run. It might take many years, but eventually you realize that while you have gained a relationship, you've lost yourself. In order to share yourself, you need enough of a sense of individuality to have something to present to the other. Even if you have a good sense of who you are, intimacy takes time, openness, a nonjudgmental attitude, listening, and acceptance.

When Blaming Becomes Verbal Abuse
When the person with BPD lashes out at you, they're concerned with their own needs. They may also be displacing rage and anger onto you that are the result of abuse they suffered in the past. If they seem controlling, they may be trying to gain control over their own life-not yours.
   And even when they seem to have won an argument, they've really lost. For one thing, they've damaged their relationship with you-someone they're terrified will leave them. When things calm down, the person with BPD may feel ashamed of the way they behaved toward you. This adds to the downward spiral of shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. They may apologize and beg for your forgiveness, then deny that they ever admitted that their behavior was out of line.
   But even though their behavior is not really about you, excessive criticizing and blaming can cross the line and become verbal abuse. Beverly Engel (1990) writes:

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
   Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation,  or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Guidelines for Setting Limits
Patricia Evans (1996) suggests that certain rights are basic in relationships, including:

-The right to emotional support, encouragement, and good will from the other.
-The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy and respect.
-The right to have your own view even if the other has a different view.
-The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.
-The right to a life free from excessive accusation, blame, criticism, and judgments.

I told my borderline wife over and over again how much I loved her, that I would never leave her, that she was a beautiful and intelligent person. But it was never enough. If a female sales clerk's fingers brushed mine as she was giving me change, my wife would accuse me of flirting. Trying to fill the emotional black hole inside a BP is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a water pistol-except the Grand Canyon has a bottom.  -From the non-BP Internet support group

Elan Golomb (1992) says:

To grow up as a whole person, children in their formative stages need the experience of genuine acceptance; they have to know they are truly seen and yet are perfect in their parents' eyes; they need to stumble and sometimes fall, only to be greeted by a parent's commiserating smile. Through parental acceptance, children learn that their "is-ness", their essential selves, merit love.

Distortion Campaigns
Abe (non-BP)
A few weeks ago I was on vacation with my three kids (without my wife). I told them that they may have heard bad things about me from their mother. I told them that they didn't have to believe what she says-that they can believe what they feel or see is true. I also told them that I wouldn't force them to see things my wife's way or my way-that they get to decide on their own what is true. And if they decide to have an opinion that's different from mine, I will still love them and I won't get mad at them. I could tell that this really helped my kids a lot.

Hell hath no rage like a borderline scorned.

Johnston and Roseby (1997) explain how grief can manifest itself as anger:

Loss-whether that of a loved one, the intact family, cherished hopes and dreams, or the threatened loss of one's own children-evokes powerful feelings of anxiety, sadness, and fear of being abandoned and alone. Some people have difficulty acknowledging these feelings. Instead, they seal over their grief with anger and try to prevent the inevitable separation by embroiling their spouse in unending disputes. Fighting and arguing are ways of maintaining contact (albeit of a negative kind). Even throughout the fighting these same individuals harbor reconciliation fantasies. People who have suffered a dramatic loss in the past (e.g. parental death or divorce) may also be reacting to these earlier, unresolved traumas.

Shame and Blame
Divorce and relationship problems can also spark feelings of rejection, which in turn evoke feelings of inadequacy, failure, shame, and humiliation. As you know, people with BPD often feel awash in shame and have low self-esteem. They may then try to cover up with a mask of absolute competency. Johnston and Roseby say that this exaggerated sense of failure may lead people to try to rid themselves of all blame by proving that the other person is totally inadequate or irresponsible. They write, "The fragile self-esteem of these people depends on keeping all sense of failure outside the self. So they present themselves with a self-righteous air of angry superiority and entitlement and accuse the ex-spouse of being psychologically and morally inferior."
    When a psychologically vulnerable BP views the spouse's desertion as a total, devastating attack, they may develop paranoid ideas of betrayal, exploitation, and conspiracy. Johnston and Roseby write, "As the spouse surveys the rubble of their marriage, they begin to rewrite history and perceive their partner as having intentionally plotted and planned from the outset to exploit and cast them off."
   At that point, they say, the "betrayed" spouse may respond aggressively with a counterattack that becomes the central obsession in their lives. "The spouse, along with any allies, is viewed as dangerous and aggressive. Having been wronged, these people feel justified in seeking retaliation. Or, more urgently, they believe in launching a preemptive strike. Their motto is 'attack before being attacked.'"

Assessing Your Risk
In analyzing dozens of distortion campaigns, we noticed several similarities:
   First, BP's who set up distortion campaigns often claimed to have had a history of being victimized by others. Sometimes, they even described how they sought revenge against people who they said had victimized them in the past.
   Second, the borderlines often possessed the ability to appear calm, logical, and persuasive under certain circumstances. However, when under emotional distress or alone with the non-BP, they appeared to lose contact with reality or become paranoid.
   Third, non-BP's victimized by distortion campaigns often viewed themselves as protectors and caretakers. As a result, they had great difficulty looking out for their own best interests. Many overlooked warning signs, disregarded admonitions from friends, denied what was happening, and refused to take precautions or defend themselves.
   It is hard for most people to accept that someone they love could do something to hurt them. If love for the BP in your life, or happy memories of the good times you shared, are preventing you from protecting yourself, it's essential that you understand that the BP may not feel the same way. Splitting may render the BP unable to remember the good feelings they had for you or to see you as a whole person with both good and bad qualities. As a result, they may view you as an evil monster who deserves to be punished. The sooner you realize this, the better chance you have of emerging from a distortion campaign with your dignity and rights intact.
   Finally, most complaints of distortion campaigns came from men who had recently asked for a divorce from the BP or recently had broken up with a borderline girlfriend. Parents of borderline children were the second most frequent source of complaints, followed by children of borderline parents.

If the BP is trying to hurt you by mounting a distortion campaign, you might consider the BP to be your enemy. In reality, your enemies are:
Denial:  Doing nothing about the problem in hopes that it will go away
Wishful thinking: Doing nothing because you're sure that a miracle will occur and the BP will have a change of heart.
Emotionality: Reacting emotionally rather than remaining calm and thinking through logical solutions to your problem.
Martyrdom: Doing nothing because you can't bear to hurt the BP's feelings, which you may think are more important than your own.
Isolation: Trying to handle the problem by yourself instead of asking for help.
Legal delays: Not hiring the right attorney before you know your legal rights and the situation becomes critical.

Most non-BP's find that if they react quickly and logically and obtain the right legal help when needed, distortion campaigns sputter and fail. The truth has a way of revealing itself, and lies are eventually exposed for what they are. By acting appropriately, you can help that occur sooner rather than later.

Decision-Making Stage
Armed with knowledge and insight, non-BP's struggle to make decisions about the relationship. This stage can often take months or years. Non-BP's in this stage need to clearly understand their own values, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions. For example, one man with a physically violent borderline wife came from a conservative family that strongly disapproved of divorce. His friends counseled him to separate from her, but he felt unable to do so because of his concern about how his family would react.
   You may find that your beliefs and values have served you well throughout your life. Or you may find that you inherited them from your family without determining whether or not they truly reflect who you are. Either way, it is important to be guided by your own values-not someone else's.

Questions to Ask Yourself
These are questions you should ask yourself about your current relationship with your BP partner. Most of these questions address important needs that should be met in relationships. The answers to these questions can provide you with some direction on how to proceed in the relationship. Generally, the more needs and wants that go unfulfilled and the more "unbalanced" with respect to who in the relationship receives more of the attention and energy, the more likely it is that the relationship is unhealthy.
-What do I want from this relationship? What do I need from this relationship?
-How open can I be with my feelings and the person?
-Am I in physical danger by staying in this relationship?
-How will this decision affect my children?
-How does this relationship affect my self-esteem?
-Do I love myself as much as I love the borderline?
-Have I accepted the fact that the BP will change only if and when they are ready to do so? Am I able to wait until that happens or live with things the way they are as if it never happens?
-What practical considerations do I need to consider, particularly financial ones?
-Do I believe I have a right to be happy?
-Do I believe that I am only worthwhile when I am sacrificing myself for others?
-When am I currently the most content: when I am with this person, when I am alone, or when I am with others?
-Do I have the energy and fortitude to go against my family or other people who might be upset with my decision?
-What are the legal ramifications of my decision?
-If a friend was in my place and told me the story of this relationship, what advice would I give them?

When Children Are Involved
One non-BP says, "I am not one who believes that unhappy people should stay together for the sake of the children. I think they would be far better off living with one happy parent than one miserably unhappy parent and one who is completely delusional."
   While many parents worry about the effect of divorce on children, Janet R. Johnston, Ph.D., executive director of the Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition, said in our interview that studies consistently find that children's exposure to unresolved conflict and verbal and physical abuse is a better predictor of children's adjustment than the marital status of their parents. According to Johnston, children do the best in a happy, intact marriage with both parents present; next best is a divorce in which the parents protect the children from conflict. Third best is an unhappy, intact marriage in which children are exposed to unresolved conflict and verbal abuse. Worst of all is a conflict-ridden divorce where the children are put in the middle.

Marie (non-BP)
My soon-to-be-ex-husband gave me a surprise visit this afternoon. The conversation started out all business and finances. No problem there. As he stood outside talking to me, our children went in and out right past him. He never spoke to them; barely looked at them. So very strange.
   Then the conversation changed. He said I hadn't given him a chance (twenty years of chances are obviously not enough). I hadn't told him that I would leave if he didn't seek counseling (his indication that, as usual, I should have done more). I guess he forgot he threatened to kill me in no uncertain terms. Again, silly me-can't I just get over the death threat?
   I could go on and on with the twisted logic, the convenient amnesia, and the transparent manipulation. But I will get to the point. Which is: there is no point. He just doesn't get it. It was my job to seek the proper ways to communicate with him. My job is to set boundaries. My job to understand the illness. What was his part?
   What kind of relationship can you have when one person must do all of the work? What kind of relationship is it when one person must have all of the understanding, have all of the forgiveness, and do all of the giving to the needy other?
   Finally, he called me a few hours later and began sighing on the phone that he might as well quit his job. He told me he was eyeballing a handgun in the house where he now lives. My twelve-year-old kept motioning to me to hang up. It took every fiber of me to do so-the good old rescue syndrome was rearing its ugly head.
   But I did hang up. I released him to his own pitiful misery. I did it. I did it. I didn't even know the power still existed within me. But it does. And it's perfectly okay for me to own my own feelings again.
   As I'm writing this, I'm watching my eight-year-old fill a decorative birdcage full of oatmeal cookies. It's his science project. Why is this relevant? Because he's free and safe to be himself, without risk of raging or verbal abuse from someone he should have been able to trust. Because his mother is free and safe to just let him be an eight-year-old. Because all of us non-BP's have this option, and there should be no apologies forthcoming for an illness we did not cause.
   Fill the birdcages with cookies, pour milk all over them, eat them with your fingers and make a big mess. Laugh until your sides ache, cry when something is wrong, spend some time doing absolutely nothing, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Invest in your own sanity for once.

Marilyn (non-BP)
It has been ten years since my divorce from my borderline ex-husband, and I am still dealing with the aftereffects. I spent so much time trying to hide his behavior from others that it left its mark upon me. Trust in others, faith in the world...these were the things that were destroyed in me.
    Yet now, in most ways life couldn't be better! I am a happy and confident person. The experience taught me many things about myself-things that I had avoided or would not admit to myself before that time. Now I use my energy to correct those things that I find negative or unhealthy. I live a more conscious life.
   As far as not becoming bitter-I was angry for a long time, until I finally realized that my ex-husband had not deliberately set out to make my life miserable. It would have happened, to one degree or another, no matter whom he had married. Blaming him for who he is is futile and does not help the situation in any way.
   A few months after the divorce I was having dinner with my parents. My father began to denigrate my ex-husband. I looked at my father and said, "Why would you say such things? Why would you hate someone like him? Don't you understand he has harmed himself more than he has me?" Bitterness and anger are emotions that tie one to the past. Besides, had I held on to negative emotions, I would never have been able to start my life again or ever be happy again.
   The last thing my former husband ever said to me was, "I've never been happy, never in my life!" I'll never forget the tears that were streaming down his face. And I will never forget the pain and anguish in his voice. The isolation he felt and most probably still feels-his fear of being alone and isolated in the world-stills any feelings of anger against him on my part. I had been happy in the past. I knew I would be happy again someday. Yet for someone like him, who had never known happiness-what of him? I abandoned him, just as he felt everyone else had done in his life.
   I felt a sense of terrible guilt for a long time. But if I was to survive, I had to let go of it. I could not help this man, and I could not destroy myself.

Final Thought
This book has taken you on a journey through a land that, until recently, you may not have known even existed. You've learned what BPD is, why people with BPD act the way they do, the part that you play in the dynamic, and how to take back control of your life.
   But your trip is not over yet. As complex as BPD behavior can be, obtaining knowledge is the easy part. Now comes the wisdom: taking what you've learned and applying it to your own life.
   This may involve questioning long-standing beliefs and values. It may mean facing issues that you've been avoiding for years. It may mean revisiting the unspoken "bargain" you've struck with the BP in your life: that their needs and views are always, always more important and more "right" than yours. No one can hold up this kind of bargain very long without seriously compromising their own mental health.
   We can't promise that it will be easy. But we can promise that it will be worthwhile. In the process, you will find out what you really value and who you really are. You will discover strengths you didn't know you had. Few things in life are more important than this. As William Shakespeare said four hundred years ago, (Hamlet, Act I, Scene iii, Lines 78-80).
 
                This above all, to thine own self be true,
                 And it must follow as the night the day
                Thou canst not then be false to any man.

We hope that the knowledge and tools you've gained from this book serve you well on the rest of your journey.