I read this book a few months ago, but never took notes on it. I am re-reading it. It's a good reminder of why I am doing what I am doing. It's written by Leslie Vernick.
Submission
The issue of submission is a crossroads where Christians often get muddled. Does Bill have the right as her husband to dictate Teresa's phone use? Let's broaden it further. Does a husband have the right to control how his wife spends her free time, what she wears, the friends she chooses, how much time she spends with her family, what she buys, how she thinks, what she feels, the things she needs to work on or change, and ultimately who she should be? Is biblical headship synonymous with taking control over someone else and forcing her to comply when she resists? And, does biblical submission require a wife to always do what her husband says? Does it mean she has no choices of her own or can't ever say no without being labeled as rebellious or ungodly?
Remember, a healthy adult relationship includes the freedom to be you, to have your own individuality and personality, and to make choices. Bill certainly has the freedom to express his preferences and his feelings about wanting to spend time with Teresa without interruption, and even to ask her to limit her phone time when he is home. But Teresa (as an adult woman) must also have the freedom to choose to help her sister, express her own feelings, and be herself without fear of punishment or retribution from her husband. Even if Bill was disappointed in Teresa's choices, she has the right to make them. In a healthy marriage, when a couple faces a conflict of values or priorities, they talk it through, respecting each other's perspective.
Control
Most people who brainwash...use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner.
In other words, if you want control over someone, play mind games with her. Add emotional manipulation. Create confusion of what's real and what's true. Isolate her from others. Keep her up late, don't let her sleep, badger her until she gives in. Threaten to hurt her, her children, her pets, her possessions, her reputation. Tell her God is on your side. Degrade her, humiliate her, and enforce trivial demands. Refuse responsibility and instead blame, accuse, and attack. Control the money so she has no resources and is completely dependent on you for everything. And keep her ambivalent about leaving the marriage by periodically performing small acts of kindness. Bring home her favorite flowers, clean up the kitchen, or allow her to go out with her girlfriends. This will keep her grateful for your gestures, and she will try to make things better. It stokes her hope (fantasy) that someday things will be different.
The tactics to gain control over others are used by the military on prisoners of war and are so effective that religious cults use them to keep their members compliant. They should never be used in a marriage. They work at systematically destroying the personhood of the other, leaving her in a diminished capacity to resist, to break free, or to think clearly on her own.
When a woman starts to wake up from her dream of a loving marriage and realizes that she's trapped in a nightmare, she feels desperate. She often slides into a deep depression. But sooner or later, little by little, she must start to fight and claw her way free from her husband's oppressive control if she is going to survive. She now understands she's been captured, muzzled, restricted like a child, or buried alive, and she must fight for her physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health'
Once a woman starts to fight back, her rage and hurt often get expressed in sinful and destructive ways. She may appear irrational, ungodly, unstable, controlling, mean, and even a little crazy to those who don't know the whole story of what she's been through and what she lives with.
Deceit and Attack
When deceit and attack become a regular part of marital interactions, there is no clear communication, no resolution to the problem,and no healing. It's impossible to have a close, loving relationship with someone you can't trust, can't talk with, or who won't take a look at himself when he hurts you. Couples can sweep things under the rug only so long before one or the other starts tripping over the huge lump in the room.
Based on Him
If we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Why Our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster.
Toxic
Toxic is impatient and unkind. Toxic is always envious and jealous. Toxic boasts and is self-glorifying. Toxic is arrogant and proud, self-centered and rude. Toxic easily loses its temper and keeps track of all offenses and holds a grudge. Toxic is thrilled when people look and feel stupid. Toxic loves a mistake because she can tell everyone of the error and replay it over and over. Toxic runs to evil, never protects others, and gives up on people and life easily. (Previous paragraph to this points out this is the opposite of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13).
Where Is God?
Leslie, I don't know what's happening to me. Every day I thank God that he's kept me sane in this web of chaos, anger, and deceit, but I'm starting to lose it. I'm having heart palpitations, I feel sick to my stomach, I can't think straight, and I'm scared, angry, and hurt all the time.
Despite my husband's lack of any type of remorse, I stand on the truth of God's Word and take my marital vows seriously! I don't want a divorce..BUT how much can one person take? I feel like I am going CRAZY! The more Christian wisdom I seek, the more confused I become.
I don't want to manipulate God's Word for my benefit or to relieve myself from this pain or journey. But surely God does not require that we live in this type of hell simply to remain faithful to our marriage vows, does he? Am I forever damned to this marriage?
I have sought much Christian guidance and, sad to say, it has been horribly ineffective and more damaging, which leads me back to the place where I started. I don't want to break the vow I made to God in this marriage, and yet I am trapped in a marriage that I am trying to survive while dying more every day. What is the answer?
Surely I am more to God than just a sacrificial lamb? I am very ashamed that this is my life and more deeply ashamed that I find myself in this predicament. I am not looking for an easy way out...I want out through the way of truth (whatever that looks like).But this darkness has become so dense I cannot find the light!
This woman's words echo the desperate cry of many Christian wives who feel trapped, hopeless, and helpless. They've prayed, they've pleaded, they've nagged, they've raged, they've repented, they've read Christian books, they've fasted, and they've gotten biblical counsel. They've done all they know to do-and more-to make their marriages better, but nothing changes. It is indeed a treacherous path to walk through, especially if we cannot find the light. As a lighthouse is to a lost sailor in a stormy sea, God and his Word provide that light for us to look at so that we can see clearly what's happening, who we are, what to do, and how we respond. The psalmist says, "For with you is the fountain of life;in your light we see light." (Psalm 36:9)
Perhaps you've been hurt by poor counsel, or misunderstood and maligned by church leaders for the stand you've taken. Maybe you think that God is more interested in preserving your marriage than the well being of you and your children, but that is not true. God values marriage, but he is also concerned for your safety and sanity in the midst of a destructive and/or dangerous marriage. The psalmist cried in the midst of being oppressed, "Guide my steps by your word, so I will not be overcome by evil" (Psalm 119:133).
As we seek God's help right now, it's very important to be anchored to some crucial truths from Scripture. It's easy for people to take a sentence from the Bible like "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16) and make a definitive statement about what to do in every circumstance. But I think it's wiser and more biblical to look at the whole picture of who God is and how he feels about situations like you are in. He also has things to say to you in the midst of your suffering to give you help and hope. To navigate through this darkness, it is important you know that God is not only for marriage, but he is for people, and for women. He is for you and loves you with an everlasting love. He does not ask you to be the sacrificial lamb; he already provided one. Jesus. Let him show you the way to walk through this darkness.
Not Unworthy
When you are rejected or unloved, disrespected or abused, it is awful and hurts you deeply, but it is not a statement about who you are. It doesn't mean you are unworthy of love or care any more than the rejection of Jesus meant he was unworthy of love and respect.
Walking
Walking in light and truth are important values of God. When you live with someone who prefers deceit and darkness and who twists and manipulates the truth, it can be very stressful, confusing, crazy, and damaging to you and your children's emotions, cognitions, and physical health.
**No one lives in your house with your spouse but you and your children.Therefore no one can fully see what you see or experience what you experience. No one knows how bad it hurts except you. People can tell you what they think you should do, but if you feel unsafe, please take the measures to get safe. If you feel like you are at the end of your rope or your ability to cope, ask for help. Even if everyone else thinks you are overreacting or stepping out of God's best, listen to your heart and gut and the Holy Spirit, and do what you need to do.**
Fantasy Wife
When destructive behaviors are a regular pattern in your marriage, understand this important truth: Your husband doesn't want a real wife who will reflect to him her pain when he hurts her or God's wisdom when she sees him making a foolish decision. What he demands is a fantasy wife, a blow-up punching bag wife who continues to bounce back with a smile even when he knocks her down. He wants a doll wife who always agrees, always acts nice, always smiles, and thinks he's wonderful all the time, no matter what he does or how he behaves. He wants a wife who loves to have sex with him whenever he's in the mood, regardless of how he treats her. He wants a wife who doesn't ask anything of him or hold him accountable for anything, yet allows him to do whatever he pleases. He wants a wife who will never upset him, never disagree with him, or never challenge him. He wants a wife who grants him amnesty whenever he messes up, never mentioning it again even if the same thing happens again and again. Trying harder to become the fantasy wife is not helpful to your husband or your marriage.
Headship
What Jesus taught was unheard of in Jewish culture. Hierarchy was well established even in the most intimate relationships Men dominated women, husbands their wives. Paul picked up Jesus' heart on the subject of headship in marriage when he wrote, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). The essence of biblical teaching on headship is that if you are the leader, your responsibility is to initiate and model servanthood before anyone else in the family does. As the leader, you're to show the way. You're to go first. When a leader (whether of a home, a church, or a nation) manipulates, threatens, or scares people into doing what he says or to get what he wants, know that he is not behaving as a biblical head, but rather as a bully. As Paul wrote, "Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly" (Colossians 3:19), and he describes love by saying, "It does not demand its own way" (1 Corinthians 13:5).
More on Submission
In the same way, biblical submission can never be forced. It can only be done by the one who chooses to submit her (or his) will to another. When we voluntarily give our will to another or to God, it's called submission; when someone forces our will to be given, it is not biblical submission. The correct terms are intimidation, coercion, and bullying. Submission isn't necessarily agreement; it's yielding your will to another for a greater good.The good might be unity in the family (or body of Christ) or honoring and pleasing God.
Core Strength
Core strength isn't only necessary for our physical bodies. We need core strength to support our mental, spiritual, and emotional health as well. Right about now you realize that you have some difficult choices in front of you. Believe me, I know change is hard, and sometimes we're only motivated to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of making the change. You can choose to grow stronger through this destructive marriage or not, but if you choose to do nothing, you need to understand what it will cost you: your emotional, mental, and spiritual core will get weaker and weaker, caving inward until your entire personhood is out of alignment. Sacrificing yourself by allowing someone to sin against you to keep peace in your marriage is never a wise choice-not for you, not for your husband, nor for your marriage. God calls us to be biblical peacemakers, not peacekeepers or peace fakers.
Someone Sins
When someone repeatedly and seriously sins against us and not willing to look at what he's done and is not willing to change, it is not possible to have a warm or close or healthy relationship. Loving someone unconditionally is not synonymous with having an unconditional relationship with him. This is an important distinction. God says he loves us unconditionally (see Romans 5:8; 8:38-39), yet God does not have intimate fellowship with the person who will not see his sin and ask for his forgiveness. Jesus' conversations with the Pharisees regularly challenged their self-deception and pride. He did that so they would humble themselves, realize they were wrong, and be able to experience true fellowship with him (see Matthew 23). He loved the religious leaders unconditionally, but they did not enjoy a loving or close relationship. Jesus never pretended otherwise.
A marriage that has no boundaries or conditions is not psychologically healthy, nor is it spiritually sound. It enables your spouse to believe that the normal rules of life don't apply to him, and if he does something hurtful or sinful, he shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of relational fallout. That thinking is not biblical, healthy, or true. For the good of your spouse, your marriage, yourself, and your children, there are times you must make some tough choices. You must speak up, set boundaries, and when necessary implement consequences when your husband's behavior is destroying what God holds so precious-people, marriage, and family. Scripture warns, "He who conceals his sin does not prosper." (Proverbs 28:13)
"Yes," I said to Sharon. "Your husband desperately needs to see God's love, but he also desperately needs to see himself more truthfully so that he can wake up and ask God to help him make needed changes. You are not better, and God doesn't love you more than your husband. The problem is that your husband has been unwilling to admit to his part of the destruction. He's been unwilling to confess or take responsibility or get the help he needs to change his destructive ways. Instead, he's minimized, denied, lied, excused, rationalized, or blamed others-mostly you."
Confront Wisely
I would love to tell you to run to your pastor and church leadership for this kind of help, but, sadly, many women I've talked with have found conservative Christian churches give more support to their husbands than to them. Sometimes it's the idea of headship and submission that causes leadership to be wary of a woman who decides she must stand up against what's happening at home. She's seen as contentious, unruly, and lacking a gentle and quiet spirit; therefore, what she reports in her home is seen with suspicion or dismissed. Sometimes it's because her husband is a good liar and manipulator and has charmed the folks at church. He easily makes people believe he's the real victim of abuse, and his wife is exaggerating, lying, or just plain nuts. The last reason I find that pastors don't believe a woman is that by the time she finally reaches the end of her rope, she can't take it anymore. She's so fragile that she's seen as an emotional wreck. Or she's so angry, reactive, bitter, and unforgiving that she's seen as the provoker and cause of their marital problems. Either way, in these types of situations, her side of the story is suspect and her credibility is diminished.
Law of Consequences
Somehow people have gotten the idea that marriage voids God's law of consequences, except in the cases of adultery and perhaps physical abuse. Counselors and pastors often advise a wife that God calls her to suffer in her marriage while continuing to provide all the privileges and benefits of marriage regardless of how her husband treats her, provides for her, or violates their marital vows. This stance only reinforces the delusion of the destructive spouse who believes he can do as he pleases with no consequences. Marriage does not give someone "a get out of jail free" card that entitles a husband to lie, mistreat, ignore, be cruel, or crush his wife's God-given dignity. To believe otherwise is not to know the heart of God.
Come to Terms
**You must come to terms with the reality that whether you stay or whether you leave, there will be people who believe you made the wrong choice and will have no reservations telling you so. ** Jeanine told me, "I thought staying for my kids was a good idea, but now I see the damage it caused them. As adults, they are all either victims or abusers. The pattern has repeated. I wish I would have made a different choice."
(skipped a paragraph here on some statistics)
Yet leaving a destructive marriage is not pain free. It, too, has costs and consequences. Financially you may not be as well off. Your children will have to be in your spouse's care without your supervision during visitation. Depending on his propensity for retaliation and his financial resources, he can make your life miserable by repeatedly taking you to court regarding issues with the children. In addition, new challenges, such as living alone for the first time, finding a new church family, or starting a career in midlife, can be quite frightening for some women and may feel more stressful than figuring out how to stay with a destructive spouse.
Every woman in a destructive marriage must wrestle with what she believes God says to her about her situation. Circumstances vary, even in a destructive marriage. The Bible doesn't always tell us exactly what to do. The best way we can discern as finite, limited, sinful people is to read God's Word for ourselves, pray for God's wisdom, consult with people we respect, and walk humbly with God in this journey. The Bible tells us that "we will walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). We can't always see where we are going, but we still walk, trusting that God is leading and guiding us forward. Trusting God through this process is like traveling with my GPS. I have faith that it is going to take me where I need to go, even if I don't exactly know how...
One more thing you need to be aware of: whatever choices you make, whether you stay, whether you separate, or whether you divorce, be prepared for more suffering and grief ahead. Your decisions will bring challenges and criticism from those who think you're making the wrong choice. Your choices will bring opportunities for growth as well as temptations to sin. Knowing that these stumbling blocks and stepping stones are ahead of you will help you keep your eyes open so that you can be more vigilant over your heart and mind as you wrestle through some tough decisions.
Is Divorce Ever a Biblical Option?
When the Pharisees asked Jesus why Moses allowed divorce, Jesus told them that from the beginning that was not God's intent. God designed marriage to be a lifetime relationship. Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to people's hard hearts. God's ideal for marriage hasn't changed. He still wants it to be a lifetime relationship, but hard hearts still cause serious wounds to people and relationships. There are times it is just not wise or safe to stay married if the destructive person has not had a change of heart. They would have too much power to continue to hurt you.
(skipped a paragraph with an example)
When I'm working with someone considering divorce, my role as a coach or counselor is to listen carefully, to help clarify what's really going on, and to help a person get healthy and strong enough to make wise and biblical decisions on how she is going to handle her situation. Divorce is the last resort when efforts to reconcile and bring true peace in the marriage have repeatedly failed.
However, for some women, divorce might be the best choice because of her and her children's safety and sanity. I've already shared stories from women who wished they would not have stayed married for the children. They see their adult children living out the same destructive patterns that they witnessed as children. How they wish it could have been different.
Amnesty
Sometimes destructive individuals expect amnesty once they say they're sorry for what they've done. They believe that sorry means no more consequences, no extra effort, and that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe that we shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. They believe their words of repentance automatically restore trust and repair relationship wounds. But words are not enough. Words can be deceptive (see Jeremiah 7:4). A heart that is changed shows it.
Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make
(I wish Pastor could read this)
1. Making the Wrong Diagnosis or Implementing the Wrong Treatment Plan
When my mother became ill with a nagging cough, her doctor diagnosed it as bronchitis and prescribed antibiotics. Week after week she made no improvement. He changed antibiotics a few times and added an inhaler for asthma. She got worse. It was only after an emergency trip to the hospital that we discovered that she did not have bronchitis after all, she had lung cancer.
If you are working with a couple, and despite your best efforts, they are getting sicker and sicker, it's time to reevaluate the diagnosis. Antibiotics are great for someone with bronchitis but impotent to treat cancer. In the same way, traditional Christian marriage counseling or coaching is impotent to tackle the problem of a couple who have a cancerous marriage, and it may actually make things worse. Review...to understand the dynamics and destructive patterns of this type of relationship. Joint counseling is never appropriate if there are safety concerns.
2. Encouraging the Wife to Try Harder
As we've already seen in chapter 6, the reason this doesn't work is that it colludes with the husband's delusion that he's entitled to a fantasy wife, and it continues to foster the lie that she is responsible for his moods, attitudes, emotions, and behavior. A wife is often the first person to seek our help. If her husband joins her, he is usually there to hear what she's going to say about him, not because he sees himself as part of the problem. When we focus on her wrongdoing (which isn't difficult to find if you're looking for it), this reinforces her husband's misbelief that if only she would change, he would be fine and everything would be better.
3. Not Prioritizing Safety and Sanity
We (as the professional or helper) and our client can sometimes be so against divorce and separation and so anxious for restoration and reconciliation that we all collude to collapse the required steps necessary for genuine healing to take place. It's important that we not minimize the work during the safety and sanity stages, since these stages lay the foundation for genuine healing. These first two stages typically last a minimum of six months and at times much longer, even with weekly care.
Whenever a doctor diagnoses a patient with cancer, he or she recommends a treatment protocol that provides the best possible outcome. If the patient disagrees with what the doctor recommends or prefers to receive chemotherapy only once a month instead of weekly, the doctor would inform the patient that the treatment protocol calls for weekly chemotherapy and that less than that will not tackle the cancer. In the same way, we must be firm on what's required to restore broken and destructive marriages. Compromising the plan for restoration gives false hope.
4. Becoming a Benevolent Rescuer
There are times as people helpers we fear for a woman's safety and sanity. She seems perpetually stuck and incapable of acting wisely on her own behalf. In those moments, it is tempting to take charge and tell her what she must do. This is a mistake. Our role is not to fix or rescue her but rather to teach her how to make wise choices for her and her children. If she's been married to a controlling man, she has been robbed of her decision-making freedom, and she will naturally defer to us to make decisions for her. Our role is to empower her to reclaim her ability to make choices and to learn to make the hard decisions she needs to make.
5. Not Insisting on the Fruits of Repentance Before Initiating Reconciliation
It is tempting to encourage reconciliation once we see a husband begin to own his problems and want to change. We're encouraged that his eyes have been opened and change is taking place. Yet as we learned in chapters..., a change of heart is still a long way from a change in habit. We want to see evidence of repentance in attitudes and actions over time and don't want this couple to fall back into repeating their old destructive history, which will happen if new habits aren't in place.
Individuals and couples seeking help for their destructive marriage are often looking for a quick fix. They can also be very challenging, especially because progress can be so slow. Be sure to get plenty of your own support as well in case consultation is needed. These situations require great wisdom and a strong commitment to stay the course for true healing and restoration.
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