I know how this turns out

I'm writing something of my own for a change. This thought came to me yesterday, well actually last night at my birthday dinner.

I hate having my picture taken for many reasons-I often close my eyes, I don't look at the camera, I'm just not photogenic. I know this. I don't have a problem with the way I look or anything-I just have a problem with how I look in pictures with funny angles, weird lighting, etc. I avoid having my picture taken for this reason. I know how this turns out. Yet, people are always pressuring me to get my picture taken, which is understandable and necessary sometimes. That's fine and dandy.

What I don't appreciate, like last night, is when I do reluctantly agree to a picture and then someone gets on my case about how I always manage to close my eyes in every picture, or makes fun of me in general in a picture. I don't know why I always close my eyes-I'm a blinker, I guess? I warned everyone, yet I gave in anyway and then I get "in trouble" for the very thing I warned them about.

When I was talking to Hope about this on the way home, I told her it reminded me of volleyball. I super suck at volleyball. I know this. I'm ok with this. I avoid playing volleyball at all costs. Yet there have been times when a "friendly" game of it would start somewhere, like on a beach or at a family picnic, and people would ask me to play. I would tell them, "No I would rather not, I'm not very good at it." I know how this turns out. And then, they would go on to tell me it's just for fun and that nobody cares, etc. On the very few occasions, I have given in, things "change" and suddenly everyone is mad at me because I miss every ball that comes to me. Didn't I tell them that, yet they pressured me into it anyway? (By the way, this story also applies with bowling. Ok, and most other sports).

Another example is my piano playing. I'm not that great at it, performing anyway. I get really nervous and I screw up. I am ok with this. I just avoid playing in public. I know how this turns out. There have been times when I've been "encouraged" to play at church when we were low on piano players, for example. I've played mostly for the offertory (which is much better than trying to accompany someone or heaven-forbid, playing for hymn-singing) but I would get so nervous about it, I would almost make myself sick. Yet I played because there was a need at the time.

Of course, the comments came. "Why do your fingers stop playing in between notes sometimes?" (not sure what that even means). "You're getting better- a lot better than you used to be." Oh wow, thanks! You better believe that when some more piano players joined our church, I immediately took myself off of the music schedule.

Apply this to my marriage. I think I know what's going on in my own life. I think I know how things go with Bill. They don't go well. Even when I have "tried." I've tried for 22 years. I know how this turns out. Yet, people from the outside are still pressuring me to keep at it. They don't know how it really is. I know it doesn't work. He doesn't change. He doesn't care. I know this. I am done with it. People need to leave me alone about it, and I need to remember that.