Threshold

I've been thinking about this here and there, but a phrase I hear a lot since you died is, "I can't even imagine..."(what it's like to lose a child). When I think about it, I can't either, even though I have experienced it.

(Note: I'm going to use "you" interchangeably between referring to you and to a generic person)

I thought at some point that I could compare how it is having Hope and Carter here and then losing them. I can't even go there. You can't even think about it until it actually happens. It's nothing like you can even think. Even though I lost you, I can't imagine losing Hope or losing Carter. They are similar yet totally different scenarios. Because of the relationship with each child, I can see it being totally different.

I know it would be extremely painful. More painful than I can almost bear, like losing you was, and I know I couldn't have made it through without God. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that you are actually gone. The magnitude of the loss is unfathomable. You can't even comprehend it. It just has to be absorbed over time. Of course, it's easier than the first day, week, month, year. But it's an ongoing pain. An endless pain, until we are together again anyway.

I titled this "Threshold" because when this happens, you cross a threshold that can never be reversed. You were alive and now you're dead. There's no going back to how it was. Until you cross that threshold, you can't even imagine how it is. Those people who say that all the time are right. You can say, "Look at your kid-now imagine them dead." It doesn't matter. Unless they actually do die, they have no idea. None.

I remember how it was before I lost you, imagining other parents' pain and thinking, "Oh this must be hard for them or that." Like Pastor said at your one-year memorial, take the amount of pain you think you are experiencing and multiply that by 1000 for how the Smith family is feeling. You almost can't think about it too much even though it's all you think about sometimes. It's so weird.

I just found that interesting. Love youloveyouloveyou!