Guilt

There was a book that Lydia Kimball shared with me titled Shattered. I have the notes from it in another post. The author is Gary Roe, and I now receive monthly newsletters from him.

Last month's topic was about worry. There were some good things to record which I wrote down I think. (Just checked-I didn't. I might check into that again later). This month's topic seemed more applicable. After I record the article, I will make some of my own comments about struggles with guilt that I have had.

Guilt can be heavy. How we handle it matters - deeply.

"I know it's my fault. Now I'm being punished. I can't make this right. What can I do?" Melissa choked through her tears.

Melissa's son Carter was her third child. He came out screaming, and (according to Melissa) never stopped talking. He grew like a weed.

One hot summer day, the family was in the back yard enjoying their pool. Melissa turned away for a moment. When she looked back, Carter was gone. She frantically searched before finally noticing him on the bottom of the pool. Carter was three years old.

"I should have been watching. God will never forgive me for this. And I'll never, ever forgive myself. Because of me, Carter is dead," she said with a cold stare.

When we feel guilty, we punish ourselves

When someone close to us dies, we can feel responsible. How could this happen? We missed something. We should have been there. We should have known.

We add guilt and remorse to the already unbearable pain of losing them. We begin to punish ourselves, consciously or subconsciously. The shame cripples us. Even if our faith is deep and solid, some of us have trouble raising our eyes to heaven, or even whispering a prayer.

Perhaps we see this tragedy as punishment for the things we did or didn't do. Maybe we believe our loved one was taken from us because we weren't good enough. We've messed up too much and crossed a line somewhere, and now God, karma, fate, or the universe has given us what we deserve.

Underneath it all is a shaky belief that if we had been better people this would not have happened. We're bad and our loved one is dead. Forgiveness seems impossible.

Ultimately, guilt is not our friend. Being able to forgive ourselves is a massive step.

Here's to more forgiveness. We all need it.

Warmly,
Gary


My thoughts: There are various ways that guilt has come up from your accident. Why did I let you drive at 16? So many parents/kids wait until their kids are older. Was the car we provided you safe enough? Should we have stressed more about distracted driving, made rules about putting your phone down while driving, etc.? What if I hadn't put gas in your tank the night before? What if I suggested you don't still do that clinic that morning since you had plans in the afternoon (even though I could not see why I would do that). What if I suggested you not take Wagner Rd. so often? I always knew it was so dangerous (although I could not see doing that at that time-it's the only real way to get to Liberty-there was no reason not to take it. Maybe in the winter, but...I just remember worrying about Ethan when he had to drive that road on a regular basis when he worked at Knight's but that was because of winter driving too. The road was perfectly clear that summer day. I knew there had been bad accidents on it before, but I never knew why or thought about it until after when I was talking to Jeanette Brenner about it one time and I think I wrote about it-the fact that there are ditches on either side of the road and there's nowhere to go if there's a problem).

Something else guilt-related (I think I wrote about this before) was when we were at Panera one time and Ashley and her kids were there, and her kids were jumping off of fireplace ledges, etc. I thought to myself, I would never let my kids do such dangerous things when they were younger, yet my son ends up dead anyway. What kind of a mother am I to not teach my kids safe habits? Habits to keep them alive? Who am I to point a finger when I couldn't even keep my own son alive? But safe for a toddler is different I guess than safe for a 17-year-old.

And then I had weird feelings (of guilt perhaps) when Todd took your friends aside at the funeral and told them not to drink and drive, not to text and drive, etc. I know it was a good opportunity to emphasize safe driving habits, but we really don't know what actually happened. It made me feel like he was telling them: "Don't do what Hayden did or you'll end up like him." I probably wasn't meant to hear about that conversation-I don't even know how I heard about it.

I guess it's different though in general because you were saved and most of them are not. That makes a difference, especially when people say, why did Hayden die and so-and-so didn't? Like Jake in his accident. God in His infinite grace and mercy doesn't wish for anyone to go to an eternity in hell. He wants everyone to have a chance to come to Him and spend eternity with Him in heaven. Why else would He be waiting so long before He comes back? Once He comes back, that's it. No more chances. We have to be patient. It's hard though. I love and miss you so much, sweet boy. Thank you for staying near to me.