Discovery

Yesterday I was stressing out about my marriage more than usual. I could tell that I was going to start to be pressured for something and I didn't know how I was going to talk my way out of it this time. I'm not sure if I prayed about it or just wished for a solution, but God provided a very clear answer to my prayer. This made a huge impact on me.

For some reason, I have always felt like I have been on my own with my marriage problems (even without God). Since Dad is a Christian and I am a Christian, I have always felt like it's his word against mine. He says I'm verbally abusive, I say he's verbally abusive (and I've read the book). He and Pastor say that I am in the wrong. God loves all of us. What am I supposed to do?

The book that I read was basically saying (even though it's a secular book) that I can trust myself to know when something is wrong or someone is not behaving right. It's not that Dad is just doing what he is supposed to and I don't like being told what to do. He makes a mockery of everything-he either acts like everything is a joke or he's angry. The kids can see it. They both have asked him not to hang out in their rooms and he does it anyway, claiming that "he pays the mortgage" so he can do what he wants. And then he stayed mad at Hope almost all day Saturday because she called him out on it when she got home Friday night. He never apologizes for anything-he just waits until he stops being mad and then acts like nothing happened.

God gives a husband certain rights and responsibilities, but that doesn't mean he should take advantage of them. Technically, as saved people, we could still sin and get into heaven, but that doesn't mean it's ok to do that. I don't think God intended for one person to totally oppress another in marriage. We are equal in God's sight. I just realized for the first time last night that God is probably upset with the way Dad treats me. I know I retaliate too, but I feel like I'm fighting for what's right and good for our family. I am defending myself.

Here's a good example the other night-when he texted me that picture of that family of five kids who was looking to be adopted together and said, "What do you think?" I truly thought he was kidding. He wasn't. Sure it's good to be willing to do something like that, but it made me very mad that he had such a ridiculous idea with no basis to back up why we would EVER do that. And I get in trouble for not listening to him? I think he just does that stuff to get a reaction from me, which he did. Ridiculous! (It's worth saying again).

Another thing I hate is when he acts surprised when I am "mad" about something or just mad in general. But then when I tell him what my problem is, he acts like he doesn't care-which he doesn't. He acts so confused sometimes-like how could I ever have a problem with him?

Right now I am annoyed with him how he had no closings last month and he has no closings this month and he doesn't feel bad or care about it. He just keeps congratulating me for setting that money aside (which I had to do in secret so he wouldn't have access to all of it and blow through it). I keep telling him that's not why I did it-I just wanted to have a cushion and I didn't intend for it to be income replacement for him. And then in the meantime he goes and gets a loan from his 401k and gets that line of credit from the credit union and just does what he wants with it. He acted annoyed when I asked him if he could pay the Verizon bill out of his UM account which I cannot access. And then he has to keep using our money to pay customers for some reason. I don't get that. He turns it around and points out what money he made from a deal, but I don't care. That is money that we need and we cannot use for some reason.

I also don't appreciate how he can "work from home" all day which just means he can sleep all day and not shower when I have to get my butt out the door every single day. Why does he need so much sleep? Didn't he just sleep all night? And then when he gets home, he just sits in front of the TV. Sure, he shoveled yesterday, but I did too.

I need to realize that God can help me deal with him. The counseling is helping, the books are helping, my Bible study friends are helping. I just hate being alone with him because he gets on my case. When I go home for lunch, I just like to relax and have quiet time, not to have to answer for 10 billion things.

I need to realize the he can't be trusted. Even if it seems like he's "trying"-he's not. He's had so many chances. I have to be assertive-not passive, not aggressive. I don't have to get his food ready for him. I don't have to remind him of things. Those are all little favors that I chose to do over the years and he doesn't even appreciate. He even accused me of only making his food so I could control the portion sizes. I have to handle things the way that I see fit. He doesn't need to be involved in every little decision. I have to look out for the best interests of me and the kids. Help me, Lord-I'm only trying to do what's right.

A few more thoughts: I think I didn't share this with the Lord because I am ashamed. It's so painful that I almost can't speak of it or even pray about it. I know what's going on is wrong but I don't know how to fix it. According to some of the books I have been reading, the problem I have can't be fixed and I have tried. I guess I was thinking that He knows what's going on-He can see it and it's allowed to continue with the perpetrator claiming His name and my Pastor backing him up based on the false scenario he has created. I'm sure He is bothered by that as well. This is not the way He intended for marriage to be. Even when I don't feel strong, please uphold me, Lord.